asraspeaks-blog
Asra Speaks
A blog dedicated to my personal dealings with divorce, motherhood and Islam
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House hunting is the pits
Looking for houses has been the worst. It's triggered a lot of my financial anxiety. I keeping thinking about how much he stole from me and how if I had kept my finances separate I would have had the cash to move.
I also know that he would have asked for half of everything during the divorce. There was no getting away from him and his greed.
Fucker has no honor. The only skills he and his family have is how to take advantage of people.
Honestly, I hope he dies and takes his shitty mother with him.
#divorce#emotionalhealth#emotionalabuse#islam#trauma survivors#toxic people#nomorelosers#freedom#financialabuse#financialfreedom#singlemom#toxic masculinity#greedy#movinghouse#narcissistic abuse#narcissistic personality disorder#narcissists#narcissism#ihopehedies
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I think the underlying problem with most female characters is that writers tend to deal with them in extremes. They can either be one thing or its polar opposite, when a complex, well-written character would be somewhere in between. This goes along with the Good Girl/Bad Girl narrative that’s been present throughout literature for a very long time.
A good example of this is Dante’s The Divine Comedy. This story is well known for having tons of references to both real-life and mythological people. When it comes to women, however, there are really only two places that the narrator encounters them throughout his journey. The first is the second circle of Hell, which is, big surprise, Lust. Dante mentions Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, and other notable women who were considered adulterous. These women would fall into the Bad Girl category. To contrast, the other place we see women is in the eighth sphere of Heaven, when the narrator encounters the Virgin Mary. Mary, of course, is the textbook example of an ideal woman; someone who is pure, chaste, and a mother. The only other notable woman in the story is the lovely Beatrice, who was too pure to even enter Hell. She would fall into the Good Girl category alongside Mary.
In Dante’s epic, we can clearly see how women are deposited into one of two categories. They’re either a seductive, sensual temptress or a pure, chaste mother/wife. They either fit within the criteria for a “Good Girl” or a “Bad Girl”. In other words, they’re either one of two extremes on different ends of a very broad spectrum, with no room in the middle for complexity or decent characterization.
Obviously, we’ve come a long way since Dante’s time. Following the rise of feminist thinking and writing, there’s been a lot of change in literature (and now television and film) with how women are portrayed, and for the most part, I think we’ve gotten away from the Slut versus Housewife dichotomy. Unfortunately, we’re still seeing a lot of female characters being limited to one of two extremes: feminine vs masculine.
In recent years we’ve witnessed the rise of strong female characters everywhere from literature to film to TV. But I think we’re really limiting ourselves by creating female characters (and male characters too) who must be either wholly masculine or feminine. To me, one of the central ideas behind feminism is that personality traits shouldn’t be limited to one gender. Men can be emotional and impulsive, and women can be strong-willed and rational. The truth is, most people possess traits that fall into both “masculine” and “feminine” categories. Certainly, a lot of people are more in line with one type over the other, but that’s not to say that every person is either 100% feminine or 100% masculine. A girl can wear a dress and talk softly and be shy and crush on men and still kick butt on a battlefield (lookin’ at you Eowyn). A guy can be tough and wear leather jackets and beat up robbers and still cry over romantic comedies (Jake Peralta at some point probably).
My point is this: a strong female character isn’t just a girl who can kick a guy’s butt in a fight. Don’t just shove your character in a box, saying “she’s a fighter, so she must be totally masculine” or “she’s a wife with two kids, therefore she must be completely feminine”. There’s nothing wrong with being feminine or masculine, just be careful not to put limits on how they can intermingle. Your character should be interesting, have visible flaws, and a mixture of personality traits that aren’t just restricted to traditionally “feminine” or “masculine”. That’s how you create a complex, compelling character.
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Found this horrifying story on Twitter just now.
Sincerely hoping she will see it and recognize herself and will
And the fact he still insists he was doing it for her own good! In what way?!?!?! How was that for her own good? Huh??? How?! Selfish prick.
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Bad behavior and desi culture
Old age is not an excuse for bad behavior. Many cultures, including my own, say that we need to respect the elderly.
Unfortunately, this allows many older people to get away with nasty behavior towards younger generations.
An example, is my friend, H's MIL. H is amazing and supportive, her MIL is awful. No manners or class. I wasn't aware of how bad she was until I had a conversation with her about my situation. At the time I was looking for another desi guy to jump into a marriage with. I was scared and didn't know any better. Obviously, a lot has changed since.
To be honest, H warned me and said her MIL tends to speak out of turn.
H was right. Her MIL is an asshole. Any interaction I have with her (they are very limited now) tend to be her blathering on how on should settle for any man, including a "house husband." As the name suggests, a "house husband" is just a dude who lives off my money and stays home. That's a big nope for me.
She knows this and yet continues to pester me when she sees me. So now I say hello and immediately leave the space she is in. I know she notices this, but I don't care.
Old age is not an excuse for bad behavior. My ex MIL used her age to be nasty to me and as a guise to do weird, perverted things like steal my and my sons' underwear and creep around my younger son's room in the middle of the night.
No more.
#islam#divorce#emotionalhealth#emotionalabuse#trauma survivors#survivors#movingon#lifewithboys#nomoreabuse#toxic people#nomorelosers#freedom#financialabuse#myabuser#financialfreedom#singlemom#nomorebullshit#toxic masculinity#fightback#financialhealth#narcissism#abusive relationships#muslimdating#narcissistic personality disorder#neversettle#domestic violence survivor
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I don’t think welfare fraud is a problem period I genuinely don’t. I don’t care when it happens and it means nothing to me. I’m glad. As if the government doesn’t steal from you every day lmao… I don’t give a damn
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“Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”
— C.S. Lewis
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8 Tips for Having a Low Stress Life
1. Simplify – your time, your stuff, your social life.
2. Live in the moment.
3. Practice gratitude.
4. Take control of the thoughts that pull you back into the past.
5. Stop the anxious thoughts about “what next”, and of your future.
6. Practice getting comfortable with saying “no”.
7. Don’t worry about others, and what they think of you.
8. Do your best, relax, and forget perfectionism.
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House hunting and anxiety
This is a big decision for me. For us. I've always owned homes with the Ex, including the one the boys I are living in now.
The home photographer is coming today at 2 pm to take exterior and interior pictures of our home. I'm getting ready to put it on the market. The hope is I can find something we like in the school district. So it'll be a contingent sale.
I'm nervous and am dealing with some low key anxiety, but also know this is the right decision.
My older son, however, has made it known he is terrified by this potential move. The Ex is looking for another McMansion. Based the on the size the boys have described, one he can't afford. My son thinks I'm going for a McMansion. I've assured him multiple times, I'm not interested in Mcmansions. I want something affordable.
They have barely anything at his house anyway. So if he forecloses, it'll make no difference to my boys. Their main home is with me.
The Ex is a baffoon and his shitty behavior has caused major trauma to my kids. Both constantly worry about money and by finances. I thought we were past this, but the Ex McMansion hunting has triggered them.
#islam#divorce#emotionalhealth#trauma survivors#emotionalabuse#survivors#movingon#lifewithboys#nomoreabuse#toxic people#freedom#nomorelosers#financialabuse#financialfreedom#singlemom#mysons#nomorebullshit#toxic masculinity#financialhealth#narcissism
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Ramadan 2019 and all Ramadans
Ramadan is boring. There I said it. Not ashamed.
Fasting, cooking, praying. Great. But there are so many hours to fill so I bingewatch stuff until the boys get home. That's the only way I can keep my sanity.
I need to find a creative outlet.
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Made me laugh and I also love her.
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