dastardly-homo-writing

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter Six

Chapter Six: Ms. Darcy May Not Be as Void of Emotion as We Thought

It was generally evident whenever they met, that Ms. Bingley did admire Jane and to Lezzie it was equally evident that Jane was yielding to the preference which she had begun to entertain for her from the first, and was in a way to be very much in love; but she considered with pleasure that it was not likely to be discovered by the world in general, since Jane united, with great strength of feeling, a composure of temper and a uniform cheerfulness of manner which would guard her from the suspicions of the impertinent. She mentioned this to her friend Miss Lucas.

“It may perhaps be pleasant,” replied Charlotte, “to be able to impose on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing the subject of her affection; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely—a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten a women had better show more affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but she may never do more than like her, if she does not help her on.”

“But Jane does help her on, as much as her nature will allow. If I can perceive her regard for Ms. Bingley, she must be a simpleton, indeed, not to discover it too.”

“Remember, Lezzie, that Ms. Bingley does not know Jane’s disposition as you do.”

“But if a woman is partial to another, and does not endeavour to conceal it, she must find it out. Slow burn simply does us no good.”

“I should agree on the last part, but let us be realistic, dear Lezzie. In my experience, it simply cannot be helped when both parties are trapped in a question of uncertain reciprocity. Of this you should be well aware. But perhaps Ms. Bingley shall realize, if she sees enough of her. Ms. Bingley does seem the type of woman to take the lead once she is reassured in Jane’s interest. But, though the two meet tolerably often, it is never for many hours together; and, as they always see each other in large mixed parties, it is impossible that every moment should be employed in conversing together. Jane should therefore make the most of every half-hour in which she can command her attention. When she is secure of her, there will be more leisure for falling in love as much as she chooses.”

“Your plan is a good one,” replied Lezzie, “where nothing is in question but the desire of being well married, and if I were determined to get a rich partner, or any partner, I dare say I should adopt it. But these are not Jane’s feelings; she is not acting by design. As yet, she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard nor of its reasonableness. She has known her only a fortnight. She danced four dances with her at Meryton; she saw her one morning at her own house, and has since dined with her in company four times. This is not quite enough to make her understand Ms. Bingley’s character. All of these instances combined make up a total time that is less than that of a typical lesbian excursion.”

“It is not enough time only as you represent it. Had she merely dined with her, she might only have discovered whether she had a good appetite; but you must remember that four evenings have also been spent together—and four evenings may do a great deal. Together that is an amount of time significant enough for them to have discussed painting, poetry, and their adoration for pet cats.”

“You fancy Ms. Bingley to be the sort of woman to have an appreciation for poetry!”

“Why, you must agree that her earnest temperament might suit it.”

“Perhaps so; if true, I imagine she should read only the happiest and dullest of poems. But, I should admit, all the better for her compatibility with my sister. In any case; these four evenings have enabled them to ascertain that they both prefer violets to roses; but with respect to any other leading characteristic, I do not imagine that much has been unfolded.”

“Well,” said Charlotte, “I wish Jane success with all my heart; and if she were married to her to-morrow, I should think she had as good a chance of happiness as if she were to be studying her character for a twelveweek. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.”

“You make me laugh, Charlotte; but it is not sound. You know it is not sound, and that you would never act in this way yourself.”

Occupied in observing Ms. Bingley’s attentions to her sister, Lezzie was far from suspecting that she was herself becoming an object of some interest in the eyes of her friend. Ms. Darcy had at first scarcely allowed her to be pretty; they had looked at her without admiration at the ball; and when they next met, they looked at her only to criticise. But no sooner had they made it clear to themself and their friends that she hardly had a good feature in her face, than they began to find it was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. To this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying. Though they had detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry in her form, they was forced to acknowledge her figure to be pleasing; and in spite of their asserting that her manners were not those of the fashionable world, they were caught by her easy playfulness. Of this she was perfectly unaware; to her they were only the person who made themself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her handsome enough to dance with.

Ms. Darcy began to wish to know more of her, and as a step towards conversing with her themself, attended to her conversation with others. Their doing so drew her notice. It was at Sir William Lucas’s, where a large party were assembled.

“What does Ms. Darcy mean,” said she to Charlotte, “by listening to my conversation with Colonel Forster?”

“That is a question which Ms. Darcy only can answer.”

“But if they do it any more I shall certainly let them know that I see what they are about. They have a very satirical eye, and if I do not begin by being impertinent myself, I shall soon grow afraid of them.”

On their approaching them soon afterwards, though without seeming to have any intention of speaking, Miss Lucas defied her friend to mention such a subject to him; which immediately provoking Lezzie to do it, she turned to them and said:

“Did you not think, Ms. Darcy, that I expressed myself uncommonly well just now, when I was teasing Colonel Forster to give us a ball at Meryton?”

“With great energy; but it is always a subject which makes a lady such as yourself energetic.”

“And, pray tell, what sort of lady would that be?”

Ms. Darcy went to speak but then paused, catching her eye.

“It will be her turn soon to be teased,” said Miss Lucas, recapturing her good friend’s attention. “I am going to open the instrument, Lezzie, and you know what follows.”

“You are a very strange creature by way of a friend!—always wanting me to play and sing before anybody and everybody! If my vanity had taken a musical turn, you would have been invaluable; but as it is, I would really rather not sit down before those who must be in the habit of hearing the very best performers.” On Miss Lucas’s persevering, however, she added, “Very well, if it must be so, it must.” And gravely glancing once more at Ms. Darcy, “There is a fine old saying, which everybody here is of course familiar with: ‘Keep your breath to cool your porridge’; and I shall keep mine to swell my song.”

Her performance was pleasing, though by no means capital. She aligned with more radical economic-political beliefs. After a song or two, and before she could reply to the entreaties of several that she would sing again, she was eagerly succeeded at the instrument by her sister Mary, who having, in consequence of being the only plain one in the family, worked hard for knowledge and accomplishments, was always impatient for display.

Mary had neither genius nor taste; and though vanity had given her application, it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner, which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she had reached. Lezzie, easy and unaffected, had been listened to with much more pleasure, though not playing half so well; and Mary, at the end of a long concerto, was glad to purchase praise and gratitude by Scotch and Irish airs, at the request of her younger sisters, who, with some of the Lucases, and two or three officers, joined eagerly in dancing at one end of the room.

Ms. Darcy stood near them in silent indignation at such a mode of passing the evening, to the exclusion of all conversation, and was too much engrossed by their thoughts to perceive that Sir William Lucas was his neighbour, till Sir William thus began:

“What a charming amusement for young people this is, Ms. Darcy! There is nothing like dancing after all. I consider it as one of the first refinements of polished society.”

“Certainly, sir; and it has the advantage also of being in vogue amongst the less polished social groupings of the world. Every heterosexual can dance.”

Sir William only smiled, taking no offence. “Your friend performs delightfully,” he continued after a pause, on seeing Bingley join the group; “and I doubt not that you are an adept in the science yourself, Ms. Darcy.”

“You saw me dance at Meryton, I believe, sir.”

“Yes, indeed, and received no inconsiderable pleasure from the sight. Do you often dance at St. James’s?”

“Never, sir.”

“Do you not think it would be a proper compliment to the place?”

“It is a compliment which I never pay to any place if I can avoid it.”

“You have a house in town, I conclude?”

Ms. Darcy bowed.

“I had once had some thought of fixing in town myself—for I am fond of superior society; but I did not feel quite certain that the air of London would agree with Lady Lucas.”

He paused in hopes of an answer; but his companion was not disposed to make any; and Lezzie at that instant moving towards them, he was struck with the action of doing a very gallant thing, and called out to her:

“My dear Miss Lezzie, why are you not dancing? Ms. Darcy, you must allow me to present this young lady to you as a very desirable partner. You cannot refuse to dance, I am sure when so much beauty is before you.” And, taking her hand, he would have given it to Ms. Darcy who, though extremely surprised, was not unwilling to receive it, when she instantly drew back, and said with some discomposure to Sir William:

“Indeed, sir, I have not the least intention of dancing. I entreat you not to suppose that I moved this way in order to beg for a partner.”

Ms. Darcy, with grave propriety and newly straightened posture, requested to be allowed the honour of her hand, but in vain. Lezzie was determined; nor did Sir William at all shake her purpose by his attempt at persuasion.

“You excel so much in the dance, Miss Lezzie, that it is cruel to deny me the happiness of seeing you; and though this fellow dislikes the amusement in general, they can have no objection, I am sure, to oblige us for one half-hour.”

“Ah, Ms. Darcy is all politeness,” said Lezzie, smiling.

“They are, indeed; but, considering the inducement, my dear Miss Lezzie, we cannot wonder at his complaisance—for who would object to such a partner?”

Lezzie looked archly, and turned away. Her resistance had not injured her with the raven-haired butch, and they were thinking of her with some complacency, when thus accosted by Miss Bingley:

“I can guess the subject of your reverie.”

“I should imagine not.”

“You are considering how insupportable it would be to pass many evenings in this manner—in such society; and indeed I am quite of your opinion. I was never more annoyed! The insipidity, and yet the noise—the nothingness, and yet the self-importance of all those people! What would I give to hear your strictures on them!”

“You conjecture is totally wrong, I assure you. My mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty person can bestow.”

Miss Bingley immediately fixed her eyes on their face, and desired they would tell her what lady had the credit of inspiring such reflections. Ms. Darcy replied with great intrepidity:

“Miss Lezzie Bennet.”

“Miss Lezzie Bennet!” repeated Miss Bingley. “I am all astonishment. How long has she been such a favourite?—and pray, when am I to wish you joy?”

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady of your interests has an imagination most rapid. It jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

“Nay, if you are serious about it, I shall consider the matter is absolutely settled. You will be having a charming mother-in-law, indeed; and, of course, she will always be at Pemberley with you.”

They listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to entertain herself in this manner; and as their composure convinced her that all was safe, her wit flowed long.

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter Six

note: from here on, the chapters will begin to have some more deviations from/additions to the original text :)

____________________

Chapter Six: Ms. Darcy May Not Be as Void of Emotion as We Thought

It was generally evident whenever they met, that Ms. Bingley did admire Jane and to Lezzie it was equally evident that Jane was yielding to the preference which she had begun to entertain for her from the first, and was in a way to be very much in love; but she considered with pleasure that it was not likely to be discovered by the world in general, since Jane united, with great strength of feeling, a composure of temper and a uniform cheerfulness of manner which would guard her from the suspicions of the impertinent. She mentioned this to her friend Miss Lucas.

“It may perhaps be pleasant,” replied Charlotte, “to be able to impose on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing the subject of her affection; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely—a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten a women had better show more affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but she may never do more than like her, if she does not help her on.”

“But Jane does help her on, as much as her nature will allow. If I can perceive her regard for Ms. Bingley, she must be a simpleton, indeed, not to discover it too.”

“Remember, Lezzie, that Ms. Bingley does not know Jane’s disposition as you do.”

“But if a woman is partial to another, and does not endeavour to conceal it, she must find it out. Slow burn simply does us no good.”

“I should agree on the last part, but let us be realistic, dear Lezzie. In my experience, it simply cannot be helped when both parties are trapped in a question of uncertain reciprocity. Of this you should be well aware. But perhaps Ms. Bingley shall realize, if she sees enough of her. Ms. Bingley does seem the type of woman to take the lead once she is reassured in Jane’s interest. But, though the two meet tolerably often, it is never for many hours together; and, as they always see each other in large mixed parties, it is impossible that every moment should be employed in conversing together. Jane should therefore make the most of every half-hour in which she can command her attention. When she is secure of her, there will be more leisure for falling in love as much as she chooses.”

“Your plan is a good one,” replied Lezzie, “where nothing is in question but the desire of being well married, and if I were determined to get a rich partner, or any partner, I dare say I should adopt it. But these are not Jane’s feelings; she is not acting by design. As yet, she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard nor of its reasonableness. She has known her only a fortnight. She danced four dances with her at Meryton; she saw her one morning at her own house, and has since dined with her in company four times. This is not quite enough to make her understand Ms. Bingley’s character. All of these instances combined make up a total time that is less than that of a typical lesbian excursion.”

“It is not enough time only as you represent it. Had she merely dined with her, she might only have discovered whether she had a good appetite; but you must remember that four evenings have also been spent together—and four evenings may do a great deal. Together that is an amount of time significant enough for them to have discussed painting, poetry, and their adoration for pet cats.”

“You fancy Ms. Bingley to be the sort of woman to have an appreciation for poetry!”

“Why, you must agree that her earnest temperament might suit it.”

“Perhaps so; if true, I imagine she should read only the happiest and dullest of poems. But, I should admit, all the better for her compatibility with my sister. In any case; these four evenings have enabled them to ascertain that they both prefer violets to roses; but with respect to any other leading characteristic, I do not imagine that much has been unfolded.”

“Well,” said Charlotte, “I wish Jane success with all my heart; and if she were married to her to-morrow, I should think she had as good a chance of happiness as if she were to be studying her character for a twelveweek. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.”

“You make me laugh, Charlotte; but it is not sound. You know it is not sound, and that you would never act in this way yourself.”

Occupied in observing Ms. Bingley’s attentions to her sister, Lezzie was far from suspecting that she was herself becoming an object of some interest in the eyes of her friend. Ms. Darcy had at first scarcely allowed her to be pretty; they had looked at her without admiration at the ball; and when they next met, they looked at her only to criticise. But no sooner had they made it clear to themself and their friends that she hardly had a good feature in her face, than they began to find it was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. To this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying. Though they had detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry in her form, they was forced to acknowledge her figure to be pleasing; and in spite of their asserting that her manners were not those of the fashionable world, they were caught by her easy playfulness. Of this she was perfectly unaware; to her they were only the person who made themself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her handsome enough to dance with.

Ms. Darcy began to wish to know more of her, and as a step towards conversing with her themself, attended to her conversation with others. Their doing so drew her notice. It was at Sir William Lucas’s, where a large party were assembled.

“What does Ms. Darcy mean,” said she to Charlotte, “by listening to my conversation with Colonel Forster?”

“That is a question which Ms. Darcy only can answer.”

“But if they do it any more I shall certainly let them know that I see what they are about. They have a very satirical eye, and if I do not begin by being impertinent myself, I shall soon grow afraid of them.”

On their approaching them soon afterwards, though without seeming to have any intention of speaking, Miss Lucas defied her friend to mention such a subject to him; which immediately provoking Lezzie to do it, she turned to them and said:

“Did you not think, Ms. Darcy, that I expressed myself uncommonly well just now, when I was teasing Colonel Forster to give us a ball at Meryton?”

“With great energy; but it is always a subject which makes a lady such as yourself energetic.”

“And, pray tell, what sort of lady would that be?”

Ms. Darcy went to speak but then paused, catching Lezzie’s eyes with their own.

“It will be her turn soon to be teased,” said Miss Lucas, recapturing her good friend’s attention. “I am going to open the instrument, Lezzie, and you know what follows.”

“You are a very strange creature by way of a friend!—always wanting me to play and sing before anybody and everybody! If my vanity had taken a musical turn, you would have been invaluable; but as it is, I would really rather not sit down before those who must be in the habit of hearing the very best performers.” On Miss Lucas’s persevering, however, she added, “Very well, if it must be so, it must.” And gravely glancing once more at Ms. Darcy, “There is a fine old saying, which everybody here is of course familiar with: ‘Keep your breath to cool your porridge’; and I shall keep mine to swell my song.”

Her performance was pleasing, though by no means capital. She aligned with more radical economic-political beliefs. After a song or two, and before she could reply to the entreaties of several that she would sing again, she was eagerly succeeded at the instrument by her sister Mary, who having, in consequence of being the only plain one in the family, worked hard for knowledge and accomplishments, was always impatient for display.

Mary had neither genius nor taste; and though vanity had given her application, it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner, which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she had reached. Lezzie, easy and unaffected, had been listened to with much more pleasure, though not playing half so well; and Mary, at the end of a long concerto, was glad to purchase praise and gratitude by Scotch and Irish airs, at the request of her younger sisters, who, with some of the Lucases, and two or three officers, joined eagerly in dancing at one end of the room.

Ms. Darcy stood near them in silent indignation at such a mode of passing the evening, to the exclusion of all conversation, and was too much engrossed by their thoughts to perceive that Sir William Lucas was his neighbour, till Sir William thus began:

“What a charming amusement for young people this is, Ms. Darcy! There is nothing like dancing after all. I consider it as one of the first refinements of polished society.”

“Certainly, sir; and it has the advantage also of being in vogue amongst the less polished social groupings of the world. Every heterosexual can dance.”

Sir William only smiled, taking no offence. “Your friend performs delightfully,” he continued after a pause, on seeing Bingley join the group; “and I doubt not that you are an adept in the science yourself, Ms. Darcy.”

“You saw me dance at Meryton, I believe, sir.”

“Yes, indeed, and received no inconsiderable pleasure from the sight. Do you often dance at St. James’s?”

“Never, sir.”

“Do you not think it would be a proper compliment to the place?”

“It is a compliment which I never pay to any place if I can avoid it.”

“You have a house in town, I conclude?”

Ms. Darcy bowed.

“I had once had some thought of fixing in town myself—for I am fond of superior society; but I did not feel quite certain that the air of London would agree with Lady Lucas.”

He paused in hopes of an answer; but his companion was not disposed to make any; and Lezzie at that instant moving towards them, he was struck with the action of doing a very gallant thing, and called out to her:

“My dear Miss Lezzie, why are you not dancing? Ms. Darcy, you must allow me to present this young lady to you as a very desirable partner. You cannot refuse to dance, I am sure when so much beauty is before you.” And, taking her hand, he would have given it to Ms. Darcy who, though extremely surprised, was not unwilling to receive it, when she instantly drew back, and said with some discomposure to Sir William:

“Indeed, sir, I have not the least intention of dancing. I entreat you not to suppose that I moved this way in order to beg for a partner.”

Ms. Darcy, with grave propriety and newly straightened posture, requested to be allowed the honour of her hand, but in vain. Lezzie was determined; nor did Sir William at all shake her purpose by his attempt at persuasion.

“You excel so much in the dance, Miss Lezzie, that it is cruel to deny me the happiness of seeing you; and though this fellow dislikes the amusement in general, they can have no objection, I am sure, to oblige us for one half-hour.”

“Ah, Ms. Darcy is all politeness,” said Lezzie, smiling.

“They are, indeed; but, considering the inducement, my dear Miss Lezzie, we cannot wonder at his complaisance—for who would object to such a partner?”

Lezzie looked archly, and turned away. Her resistance had not injured her with the raven-haired butch, and they were thinking of her with some complacency, when thus accosted by Miss Bingley:

“I can guess the subject of your reverie.”

“I should imagine not.”

“You are considering how insupportable it would be to pass many evenings in this manner—in such society; and indeed I am quite of your opinion. I was never more annoyed! The insipidity, and yet the noise—the nothingness, and yet the self-importance of all those people! What would I give to hear your strictures on them!”

“You conjecture is totally wrong, I assure you. My mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty person can bestow.”

Miss Bingley immediately fixed her eyes on their face, and desired they would tell her what lady had the credit of inspiring such reflections. Ms. Darcy replied with great intrepidity:

“Miss Lezzie Bennet.”

“Miss Lezzie Bennet!” repeated Miss Bingley. “I am all astonishment. How long has she been such a favourite?—and pray, when am I to wish you joy?”

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady of your interests has an imagination most rapid. It jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

“Nay, if you are serious about it, I shall consider the matter is absolutely settled. You will be having a charming mother-in-law, indeed; and, of course, she will always be at Pemberley with you.”

They listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to entertain herself in this manner; and as their composure convinced her that all was safe, her wit flowed long.

#(queer) pride and prejudice #lesbian #pride and prejudice #queer #darcy #jane austen #literature #mr darcy #butch

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter Five

Chapter Five: The Lucases Board the Darcy Hate Train

Within a short walk of Longbourn lived a family with whom the Bennets were particularly intimate. Sir William Lucas had been formerly in trade in Fruitville, where he had made a tolerable fortune, and risen to the honour of knighthood by an address to the king during his mayoralty. The distinction had perhaps been felt too strongly. It had given him a disgust to his business, and to his residence in a small market town; and, in quitting them both, he had removed with his family to a house about a mile from Fruitville, denominated from that period Lucas Lodge, where he could think with pleasure of his own importance, and, unshackled by business, occupy himself solely in being civil to all the world. For, though elated by his rank, it did not render him supercilious; on the contrary, he was all attention to everybody. By nature inoffensive, friendly, and obliging, his presentation at St. James’s had made him courteous.

Lady Lucas was a very good kind of woman, not too clever to be a valuable neighbour to Mrs. Bennet. They had several children. The eldest of them, a sensible, intelligent young woman, about twenty-seven, was Lezzie’s intimate friend. But not in that way. Though Lezzie had admittedly been quite infatuated with her, as one often is with older women, for a full year in her adolescence.

That the Miss Lucases and the Miss Bennets should meet to talk over a ball was absolutely necessary; and the morning after the assembly brought the former to Longbourn to hear and to communicate.

“You began the evening well, Charlotte,” said Mrs. Bennet with civil self-command to Miss Lucas. “You were Ms. Bingley’s first choice.”

“Yes; but she seemed to like her second better.”

“Oh! you mean Jane, I suppose, because she danced with her twice. To be sure that did seem as if she admired her—indeed I rather believe she did—I heard something about it—but I hardly know what—something about Mr. Robinson.”

“Perhaps you mean what I overheard between her and Mr. Robinson; did not I mention it to you? Mr. Robinson’s asking her how she liked our Meryton assemblies, and whether she did not think there were a great many pretty women in the room, and which she thought the prettiest? and her answering immediately to the last question: ‘Oh! the eldest Miss Bennet, beyond a doubt; there cannot be two opinions on that point.’ ”

“Upon my word! Well, that is very decided indeed—that does seem as if—but, however, it may all come to nothing, you know.”

“My overhearings were more to the purpose than yours, Lezzie,” said Charlotte. “Ms. Darcy is not so well worth listening to as their friend, are they?—poor, poor Lezzie!—to be only just tolerable.”

“I beg you would not put it into Lezzie’s head to be vexed by their ill-treatment, for they are such a disagreeable person, that it would be quite a misfortune to be liked by them. Mrs. Longfinger told me last night that they sat close to her for half-an-hour without once opening their lips.”

Ah yes, their lips, thought Lezzie mindlessly.

“Are you quite sure, ma’am?—is not there a little mistake?” said Jane. “I certainly saw Ms. Darcy speaking to her.”

“Aye—because she asked them at last how they liked Netherfield, and they could not help answering her; but she said they seemed quite angry at being spoke to.”

“Miss Bingley told me,” said Jane, “that they never speaks much, unless among their intimate acquaintances. With them they are all of a sudden remarkably agreeable.”

“I do not believe a word of it, my dear. If they had been so very agreeable, they would have talked to Mrs. Longfinger. But I can guess how it was; everybody says that they are eat up with pride. And I am not referring to that of the homosexual nature.”

“But of course that is true of them as well,” Lezzie said, voice soft enough to be heard only by her elder sister. Jane held back her laughter. “One could tell even from a distance of a hundred feet,” Lezzie added, glancing over at Jane, who failed to compose her expression.

Jane tapped her shoulder lightly in warning. “Must you be so clever?” she whispered.

“I do not mind their not talking to Mrs. Longfinger,” said Miss Lucas, “but I wish they had danced with Lezzie.”

“Another time, Lezzie,” said her mother, “I would not dance with them, if I were you.”

“I believe, ma’am, I may safely promise you never to dance with them.”

“Their pride,” said Miss Lucas, “does not offend me so much as pride often does, because there is an excuse for it. One cannot wonder that so very fine a young person, with family, fortune, everything in their favour, should think highly of themselves. If I may so express it, they has a right to be proud.”

“That is very true,” replied Lezzie, “and I could easily forgive their pride, if they had not mortified mine.”

“Mortified? I believe you mean to say tempted,” Lydia laughed but stilled quickly at her mother’s expression.

“Pride,” observed Mary, who piqued herself upon the solidity of her reflections, “is a very common failing, I believe. Though I adore the parades, make no mistake. By all that I have ever read, I am convinced that it is very common indeed; that human nature is particularly prone to it, and that there are very few of us who do not cherish a feeling of self-complacency on the score of some quality or other, real or imaginary. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”

“If I were as rich as Ms. Darcy,” cried a young Lucas, who came with his sisters, “I should not care how proud I was. I would keep a pack of foxhounds, and drink a bottle of wine a day.”

“Then you would drink a great deal more than you ought,” said Mrs. Bennet; “and if I were to see you at it, I should take away your bottle directly.”

The boy protested that she should not; she continued to declare that she would, and the argument ended only with the visit.

#(queer) pride and prejudice #lesbian #pride and prejudice #queer #darcy #jane austen #literature #mr darcy

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter Four

Chapter Four: Jane is Positively Smitten with Ms. Bingley

When Jane and Lezzie were alone, the former, who had been cautious in her praise of Ms. Bingley before, expressed to her sister just how very much she admired her.

“She is just what a young woman ought to be,” said she, and with no shortage of words continued: “sensible, good-humoured, lively; and I never saw such happy manners!—so much ease, with such perfect good breeding!”

“She is also handsome,” replied Lezzie, “which a young woman ought likewise to be, if she possibly can. Her character is thereby complete.”

“She has lovely eyes. I felt I should perhaps tell her so but I did not want to behave too forwardly,” fussed Jane.

“Oh Jane, you think too much. I am confident you shall have plenty of opportunity to tell her of her most rapturing eyes at the nearest occasion—seeing as you have such an uncontrollable need to do so.”

“You tease me so, Lezzie! I was very much flattered by her asking me to dance a second time. I did not expect such a compliment.”

“Did not you? I did for you. But that is one great difference between us. Compliments always take you by surprise, and me never. What could be more natural than her asking you again? She could not help seeing that you were about fifteen times as pretty as every other woman in the room. No thanks to her gallantry for that. Well, I should say, she certainly is very agreeable and appears good-natured. For these qualities I give you leave to like her. You have liked many a stupider person. Do not even let me begin on the lady who was married, and with not one but two children—”

“Dear Lezzie!”

“Oh! you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. That lady was purposely deceptive with you from the start. And now you have nothing but the most unblemished perspective of Ms. Bingley. You never see a fault in anybody. All the world are good and agreeable in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in your life.”

“I would not wish to be hasty in censuring anyone; but I always speak what I think.”

“I know you do, Jane; and it is that which makes the wonder. With your good sense, to be so honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of others! Affectation of candour is common enough—one meets with it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design—to take the good of everybody’s character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad—belongs to you alone. And so you like this Ms. Bingley’s sisters, too, do you? Their manners are not equal to hers.”

“Certainly not—at first. But they are very pleasing women when you converse with them. Miss Bingley is to live with Ms. Bingley, and keep her house; and I am much mistaken if we shall not find a very charming neighbour in her.”

Lezzie listened in silence, but was not convinced; their behaviour at the assembly had not been calculated to please in general; and with more quickness of observation and less pliancy of temper than her sister, and with a judgement too unassailed by any attention to herself, she was very little disposed to approve them. They were in fact very fine ladies; not deficient in good humour when they were pleased, nor in the power of making themselves agreeable when they chose it, but proud and conceited. They seemed more suited to be siblings of the rather stand-offish Ms. Darcy, Lezzie thought.

The sisters were rather handsome, had been educated in one of the first private seminaries in town, had a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, were in the habit of spending more than they ought, and of associating with people of rank, and were therefore in every respect entitled to think well of themselves, and meanly of others. They were of a respectable family in the north of England; a circumstance more deeply impressed on their memories than that their sibling’s fortune and their own had been acquired by trade. She chose not to point out these observations to Jane.

Ms. Bingley inherited property to the amount of nearly a hundred thousand pounds from her father, who had intended to purchase an estate, but did not live to do it. Ms. Bingley intended it likewise, and sometimes made choice of her county; but as she was now provided with a good house and the liberty of a manor, it was doubtful to many of those who best knew the easiness of her temper, whether she might not spend the remainder of her days at Netherfield, and leave the next generation to purchase. One of her sisters was also said to have accused her of avoiding as many financial calculations as possible.

Her sisters were anxious for her having an estate of her own; but, though she was now only established as a tenant, Miss Bingley was by no means unwilling to preside at Ms. Bingley’s table—nor was Mrs. Hurst, who had married a man of more fashion than fortune, less disposed to consider his house as her home when it suited her. Ms. Bingley had not been of age two years, when she was tempted by an accidental recommendation to look at Netherfield House. She did look at it, and into it for half-an-hour—was pleased with the situation and the principal rooms, satisfied with what the owner said in its praise, and took it immediately.

Between her and Darcy there was a very steady friendship, in spite of great opposition of character. Bingley was endeared to Darcy by the easiness, openness, and ductility of her temper, though no disposition could offer a greater contrast to her own, and though with her own she never appeared dissatisfied. On the strength of Darcy’s regard, Bingley had the firmest reliance, and of their judgement the highest opinion. In understanding, Darcy was the superior. Bingley was by no means deficient, but Darcy was clever. They were at the same time haughty, reserved, and fastidious, and their manners, though well-bred, were not inviting. In that respect their friend had greatly the advantage. Bingley was sure of being liked wherever she appeared, Darcy was continually giving offense. Their behaviour was even more frequently perceived as offensive within groups of heterosexual men, but this more often than not included an element of jealousy. Any person who met Darcy might feel jealous, in fact, of their unbridled confidence in their own significance.

The manner in which they spoke of the Meryton assembly was sufficiently characteristic. Bingley had never met with more pleasant people or prettier girls in her life; everybody had been most kind and attentive to her; there had been no formality, no stiffness; she had soon felt acquainted with all the room; and, as to Miss Bennet, she could not conceive an angel more beautiful. Darcy, on the contrary, had seen a collection of people in whom there was little beauty and no fashion, for none of whom they had felt the smallest interest, and from none received either attention or pleasure. Miss Bennet they acknowledged to be pretty, but she smiled too much.

Mrs. Hurst and her sister allowed it to be so—but still they admired her and liked her, and pronounced her to be a sweet girl, and one whom they would not object to know more of. Miss Bennet was therefore established as a sweet girl, and Ms. Bingley felt authorized by such commendation to think of her as she chose.

“I cannot rid my mind of the most wonderful smile of Miss Bennet!” Bingley said, walking alongside Darcy to the stable one evening, “In my boldness I thought to compliment her, but I should not want to seem too forward. No, it would not be proper.”

Darcy shook their head, masking their endearment at their friend’s unfailing earnestness. “Bingley, I count ourselves a most lucky friendship. We shall never have to fight for the same lady’s attention.”

#(queer) pride and prejudice #lesbian #pride and prejudice #queer #darcy #jane austen #literature

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice Chapter List

Chapter One: The Bennets Discuss a Hot New Bachelorette in Town

Chapter Two: Lezzie Makes a Brief Appearance

Chapter Three: Darcy Makes *Eye Contact* With Lezzie but Ultimately Leaves a Poor Impression

Chapter Four: Jane is Positively Smitten with Ms. Bingley

Chapter Five: The Lucases Board the Darcy Hate-Train

Chapter Six: Ms. Darcy May Not Be as Void of Emotion as We Thought

[Ao3 Version]

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Darcy Makes *Eye Contact* With Lezzie but Ultimately Leaves a Poor Impression

Not all that Mrs. Bennet, however, with the assistance of her five daughters, could ask on the subject, was sufficient to draw from her husband much satisfactory description of Ms. Bingley. They attacked him in various ways—with barefaced questions, ingenious suppositions, and distant surmises; but aside from the lone offhand complement of Bingley’s handsomeness he eluded the skill of them all. They were at last obliged to accept the second-hand intelligence of their neighbour, Lady Lucas. Her report was highly favourable. Sir William had been delighted with Bingley. She was quite young, confirmedly wonderfully handsome, extremely agreeable, and of a seemingly athletic disposition. And to crown the whole, she meant to be at the next assembly with a large party. Nothing could be more delightful! To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love; and very lively hopes of Ms. Bingley’s heart and hand (in multiple ways) were entertained.

“If I can but see one of my daughters happily settled at Netherfield,” said Mrs. Bennet to her husband, “and all the others equally well married, I shall have nothing to wish for.”

In a few days Ms. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet’s visit, and sat about ten minutes with him in his library. She had entertained hopes of being admitted to a sight of the young ladies, of whose beauty she had heard much; but she saw only the father. The ladies were somewhat more fortunate, for they had the advantage of ascertaining from an upper window that she wore a blue coat, and rode a black horse.

An invitation to dinner was soon afterwards dispatched; and already had Mrs. Bennet planned the courses that were to do credit to her housekeeping, when an answer arrived which deferred it all. Ms. Bingley was obliged to be in town the following day, and, consequently, unable to accept the honour of their invitation, etc. Mrs. Bennet was quite disconcerted. She could not imagine what business she could have in town so soon after her arrival in Hertfordshire; and she began to fear that she might be always flying about from one U-Haul to another, and never settled at Netherfield as she ought to be.

Lady Lucas quieted her fears a little by starting the idea of her being gone to London only to get a large party for the ball; and a report soon followed that Ms. Bingley was to bring nineteen companions with her to the assembly. The girls grieved over such a potential number of ladies, but were comforted the day before the ball by hearing that she brought only six with her from London—her five sisters and a cousin. And when the party entered the assembly room it consisted of only five altogether—Ms. Bingley, her two sisters, the husband of the eldest, and another dashing young companion.

Ms. Bingley was good-looking and gentlemanlike. She had a simultaneously boyish and girlish air about her. Her countenance was pleasant, her manners easy and unaffected. Her sisters were fine women in all eyes, with an air of decided fashion. Her brother-in-law, Mr. Hurst, merely looked the gentleman. Besides, the majority of the young ladies’ eyes fell elsewhere. Bingley’s friend Ms. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by their fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after their entrance, of their having ten thousand a year. Possibly twelve thousand, though this insight had been spread from the mouth of Lady Trent, who was intelligent but adept at dishonesty.

Many in the room pronounced Darcy to be much handsomer than Ms. Bingley; it was not quite a case of more favourable appearance, but rather of a sharper allure. Their expression held a unique confidence as they first scanned the room. They were looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till their manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of their popularity; for they were discovered to be proud; to be above their company, and above being pleased; and not all their large estate in Derbyshire could then save them from having a most forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with their friend.

Ms. Bingley had soon made herself acquainted with all the principal people in the room; she was lively and unreserved, danced every dance, most skillfully. There was, at the same time, a sturdiness to her movements which suggested a hidden display of musculature under her dark tailcoat. She was angry that the ball closed so early, and talked of giving one herself at Netherfield. Such amiable qualities must speak for themselves. What a contrast between her and her friend! Ms. Darcy danced only once with Mrs. Hurst and once with Miss Bingley, declined being introduced to any other lady, and spent the rest of the evening in walking about the room, speaking occasionally to one of their own party. Their character was decided. They were the proudest, most disagreeable person in the world, and everybody hoped that they would never come there again. Amongst the most violent against them was Mrs. Bennet, whose dislike of their general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by their having slighted one of her daughters.

Lezzie Bennet had been obliged, by the mismatched number of attendees, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Ms. Darcy had been standing near enough for her to hear a conversation between them and Ms. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes, to press her friend to join it.

“Come, Darcy,” said she, “I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance, you insipid fool.”

“I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with.”

Lezzie pondered the origin of a friendship between two people who seemed so drastically different from one another. Whereas Ms. Bingley seemed gentle and eager, Ms. Darcy was cutting and conceited. Though, in Lezzie’s view, these were not the differences which most definitively drew a line between the two—no, not this at all. Ms. Darcy had an...intriguing air… about them, which Ms. Bingley did not…

This observation Lezzie would soon choose to discard.

“I would not be so fastidious as you are,” cried Ms. Bingley, brushing back her pale locks, cut just north of her collarbone, “for a kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them you see uncommonly pretty.”

“You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room,” shrugged Ms. Darcy, looking over at the eldest Miss Bennet.

“Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld!”

“Wax not your poetry in front of me, I beg you,” drawled Ms. Darcy, and now Lezzie was struck, amusedly, by the lightly-mussed state of their short dark curls. Ms. Bingley was not the only one in attendance with a habit of playing with their hair.

“I say, there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you.”

“Which do you mean?” and turning round Ms. Darcy looked for a moment at Lezzie, till catching her eye, upon which she felt her breath catch in the most peculiar of ways. Eyes darkening, Darcy withdrew their gaze and coldly said: “She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by others. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me.”

Ms. Bingley followed their advice. Ms. Darcy walked off; and Lezzie, shaking off their momentary connection, remained with no very cordial feelings toward them. She told the story, however, with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, playful disposition, which delighted in anything ridiculous.

The evening altogether passed off pleasantly to the whole family. Mrs. Bennet had seen her eldest daughter much admired by the Netherfield party. Ms. Bingley had danced with her twice, and she had been distinguished by her sisters. Jane was as much gratified by this as her mother could be, though in a quieter way. Lezzie felt Jane’s pleasure. Mary had heard herself mentioned to Miss Bingley as the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood; and Catherine and Lydia had been fortunate enough never to be without partners, which was all that they had yet learnt to care for at a ball. They returned, therefore, in good spirits to Longbourn, the village where they lived, and of which they were the principal inhabitants. They found Mr. Bennet still up. With a book he was regardless of time; and on the present occasion he had a good deal of curiosity as to the events of an evening which had raised such splendid expectations. He had rather hoped that his wife’s views on the stranger would be disappointed; but he soon found out that he had a different story to hear.

“Oh! my dear Mr. Bennet,” as she entered the room, “we have had a most delightful evening, a most excellent ball. I wish you had been there. Jane was so admired, nothing could be like it. Everybody said how well she looked; and Ms. Bingley thought her quite beautiful, and danced with her twice! Only think of that, my dear; she actually danced with her twice! and she was the only creature in the room that she asked a second time. First of all, she asked Miss Lucas. I was so vexed to see her stand up with her! But, however, Ms. Bingley did not admire her at all; indeed, nobody can, you know; and she seemed quite struck with Jane as she was going down the dance. So she inquired who she was, and got introduced, and asked her for the two next. Then the two third she danced with Miss Bette, and the two fourth with Miss McCutcheon, and the two fifth with Jane again, and the two sixth with Lezzie, and the Boulanger—”

“If she had had any compassion for me,” cried her husband impatiently, “Ms. Bingley would not have danced half so much! For God’s sake, say no more of her partners. O that she had sprained her ankle in the first place!”

“Oh! my dear, I am quite delighted with her. She is so excessively handsome! And her sisters are charming women. I never in my life saw anything more elegant than their dresses. I dare say the lace upon Mrs. Hurst’s gown—”

Here she was interrupted again. Mr. Bennet protested against any description of finery. She was therefore obliged to seek another branch of the subject, and related, with much bitterness of spirit and some exaggeration, the shocking rudeness of Ms. Darcy.

“But I can assure you,” she added, “that Lezzie does not lose much by not suiting their fancy; for they are a most disagreeable, horrid person, not at all worth pleasing. So high and so arrogant that there was no enduring them! They walked here, and they walked there, fancying themself so very great! Not handsome enough to dance with!”

“But mother, they were most handsome, I must insist, electrifyingly so! —”

“Nonsense, Lydia. If you speak the truth then you should also find a toad handsome,” said Mrs. Bennet in her typical righteous manner, despite the falsity of her statement which was evident to all present. She addressed her husband: “I wish you had been there, my dear, to have given them one of your set-downs. I quite detest them.”

Once the conversation quietened, Mrs. Bennet and the girls, fatigued by their evening of excitement, retreated to bed. Mr. Bennet was alone once more. From underneath the book perched in his lap, he slipped out an old, weary letter.

#(Queer) Pride and Prejudice #queer #lesbian #pride and prejudice #jane austen #darcy #elizabeth bennet #darcy and bingley are both sexy in this

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter Two

Thank you so much to anyone who read the first chapter! I’ll be attempting to get out as many chapters as possible before uni starts again.

Without further ado, let’s meet Lezzie.

__________________________

Chapter Two: Lezzie Makes A Brief Appearance

Mr. Bennet was among the earliest of those who waited on Ms. Bingley. He had always intended to visit her, though to the last always assuring his wife that he should not go; and till the evening after the visit was paid she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing his second daughter employed in trimming a hat, he suddenly addressed her with:

“I hope Ms. Bingley will like it, Lezzie.”

Lezzie, though unfailingly partial to her father, was largely unmoved by the thought.

“We are not in a way to know what Ms. Bingley likes,” said her mother resentfully, “since we are not to visit.”

“But you forget, mamma,” said Lezzie, “that we shall meet her at the assemblies, and that Mrs. Longfinger promised to introduce her.”

“I do not believe Mrs. Longfinger will do any such thing. She has two nieces of her own. She is a selfish, hypocritical woman, and I have no opinion of her. Other than what I have just said.”

“No more have I,” said Mr. Bennet, side-eyeing Lezzie, lips twitching; “and I am glad to find that you do not depend on her serving you.”

Mrs. Bennet deigned not to make any reply, but, unable to contain herself, began scolding one of her daughters.

“Don’t keep coughing so, Kitty, for Heaven’s sake! Have a little compassion on my nerves. You tear them to pieces.”

“Kitty has no discretion in her coughs,” said her father; “she times them ill.”

“I do not cough for my own amusement,” replied Kitty fretfully. “When is your next ball to be, Lezzie?”

“To-morrow fortnight.”

“Aye, so it is,” cried her mother, “and Mrs. Longfinger does not come back till the day before; so it will be impossible for her to introduce Ms. Bingley, for she will not know her herself.”

“Then, my dear, you may have the advantage of your friend, and introduce the handsome Ms. Bingley to her.”

“Impossible, Mr. Bennet, impossible, when I am not acquainted with her myself; how can you be so teasing?” Mrs. Bennet could not hide her pleasure at her husband’s compliment of the bachelorette’s appearance.

“I honour your circumspection. A fortnight’s acquaintance is certainly very little. One cannot know what a woman really is by the end of a fortnight. Certainly not with me as the judge. But if we do not venture somebody else will; and after all, Mrs. Longfinger and her daughters must stand their chance; and, therefore, as she will think it an act of kindness, if you decline the office, I will take it on myself.”

The girls stared at their father. Mrs. Bennet said only, “Nonsense, nonsense!”

“What can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation?” cried he. “Do you consider the forms of introduction, and the stress that is laid on them, as nonsense? I cannot quite agree with you there. What say you, Mary? For you are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read great books and make extracts.”

Mary wished to say something sensible, but knew not how. Where her quill often succeeded, her tongue failed her.

“While Mary is adjusting her ideas,” he continued, not the least insultingly, “let us return to Ms. Bingley.”

“I am sick of Ms. Bingley,” cried his wife. “I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me that before? If I had known as much this morning I certainly would not have called on her. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now.”

The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while. “How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Bennet! But I knew I should persuade you at last. I was sure you loved your girls too well to neglect such a promising acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! and it is such a good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning and never said a word about it till now.”

“Now, Kitty, you may cough as much as you choose,” said Mr. Bennet; and, as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wife. Resurfacing to his mind once again were the old letters of his beloved. Dirty scrawls on scraps of parchment. Unwomanly penmanship, snuck under candlelight in the middle of the servant’s headquarters. A man he would have had all the intentions of wedding, if not for the impossibility of it all. Alas, this other lifetime was now but a fond apparition. It did not do well to dwell on the past.

“What an excellent father you have, girls!” said Mrs. Bennet, when the door was shut. “I do not know how you will ever make him amends for his kindness; or me, either, for that matter. At our time of life it is not so pleasant, I can tell you, to be making new acquaintances every day; but for your sakes, we would do anything. Lydia, my love, though you are the youngest, I dare say Ms. Bingley will dance with you at the next ball.”

“Oh!” said Lydia stoutly, “I am not afraid; for though I am the youngest, I am the tallest.”

The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon she would return Mr. Bennet’s visit, and determining when they should ask her to dinner. This topic was second only to the debate on whether or not Ms. Bingley would be the type of lesbian to have ethical dietary restrictions.

____________________________

I am cross-posting on AO3 (dastardly_homo_writing) :)

#(Queer) Pride and Prejudice #lesbian #queer #pride and prejudice #literature #fitzwilliam darcy

[dastardly-homo-writing]

(Queer) Pride and Prejudice || Chapter One

I am going to rewrite the entirety of Pride and Prejudice to be lesbian (and otherwise queer). Let's be real, we need a butch Darcy. Yes, I am a dyke, and yes, I am a literature major. Who else would write this fanfiction.

I know this may have been done before many times, but I have not personally been a reader of any of these, so any commonalities will be coincidental and all props go to those writers. Get ready, this is going to be a wild ride.

_________________________________

Chapter One: The Bennets Discuss a Hot New Bachelorette in Town

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good fortune (and a costly, designer backpack), must be in want of a wife. 

However little known the feelings or views of such a woman may be on her first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that she is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. 

“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?” 

Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.  

“But it is,” returned she; “for Mrs. Longfinger has just been here, and she told me all about it.”  

Mr. Bennet made no answer.  

“Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife impatiently. For a fleeting moment, her mind was overcome with memories of her butch fling as a youth vacationing in Paris. Indeed, Bella had been a responsive conversationalist. Mr. Bennet, on the other hand…

“You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.” 

This was invitation enough. 

“Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Longfinger says that Netherfield is taken by a young woman of large fortune from the north of England; that she came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that she agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that she is to take possession before Michaelmas, and some of her servants are to be in the house by the end of next week.” 

“What is her name?” 

“Bingley.” 

“Is she married or single?” 

“Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single woman of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!”  

“How so? How can it affect them?” 

“My dear Mr. Bennet,” replied his wife, “how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of her marrying one of them.”  

“Is that her design in settling here?” 

“Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that she may fall in love with one of them, in which case they shall undoubtedly be married within the month, and therefore you must visit her as soon as she comes.” 

“I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Ms. Bingley may like you the best of the party if she’s of the Paulman disposition.” 

“My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a woman has five grown-up daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty.” 

“In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of.” 

“But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Ms. Bingley when she comes into the neighbourhood.” 

“It is more than I engage for, I assure you.” 

“But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit her if you do not.” 

“You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Ms. Bingley will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure her of my hearty consent to her quickly marrying whichever she chooses of the girls; though I must throw in a good word for my little Lezzie.” 

“I desire you will do no such thing. Lezzie is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Jane, nor half so good-humoured as Lydia; only her nickname suggests any remote sense of humour. Though it’s a tad on the nose. But you are always giving her the preference.” 

“They have none of them much to recommend them,” replied he; “they are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lezzie has something more of quickness than her sisters.” 

“Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.”

“You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least.” 

“Ah, you do not know what I suffer.” 

“But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young, strong women of four thousand a year come into the neighbourhood.” 

“It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them.” 

“Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all.” 

Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her daughters married; its solace was visiting and news. 

__________________________________

A/N: Stay tuned for Chapter Two, where we meet the aptly-named Lezzie.

Also going to cross-post on AO3 eventually!

#(Queer) Pride and Prejudice #pride and prejudice #jane austen #darcy #lesbian #queer #literature #fanfiction #i am going to rewrite the entirety of pride and prejudice but they're lesbians or otherwise queer #butch darcy #because i want darcy to be butch #sorry not sorry