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SixtTthree or Bread and Circuses with Cheese
It has come to our attention that a surprising 37% of your species believe that your planet is flat. There is a great deal of factual evidence against this and yet you believe. We actually went out and did a special probing, not in Cambodia because they are way too smart for that, but in your United States (a misnomer if ever we saw one) somewhere south of the middle. We wanted to get more…
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#Cat Rambo#commentary#criticism#fantasy#humor#Kevin Hearne#reviews#sci fi#science fiction#Terry Mills#Wesley Chu
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SicsTToo or What Was Once Up is no Longer Available
We have noticed that you have a particularly unhealthy relationship with time. Many of you believe it to be a linear thing, even when the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of it being sidereal. That’s okay as it doesn’t make any difference in the long run, which is really what time is all about. You may have been here or there, then or now, or maybe not yet or never. How will you know and…
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SicsTwon or, The Little Chicken and Falling on You Now the Sky is
The Little Chicken or, falling on you now the sky is
Your planet is entering that time of orbit that generates a lot of unusual behavior such as dressing funny, running around looking for treats and playing tricks on each other. That’s right, it is election season once more. We struggle to understand why you continue to follow this arcane ritual where you elect individuals who lie to you so…
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SicsT or One Lump or Two or Three for All
The aliens return with their particular form of wisdom.
We understand that there is a plan to fix your planet by bringing a few icy comets to orbit and using them to counteract the global warming that you have created. While we could certainly tell you all the different ways this would not work, we are not going to. In fact, we are going to support your efforts because we believe that it is the quickest solution to all of your problems. And, we…
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Fifftnein or Four Lefts Don't Make a Right
We have seen that you are once again fixated on UFOs. We can tell you that they do not exist. At least not in the form and way you imagine. In fact, there are very few space-faring species as most species take themselves out just as they are beginning to leave their planet. A few are taken out purely because they are leaving their planet. It is the intersection of technology, greed, and…
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Fifftate or Time Waits for No One, It's All Self Serve From Here
We believe we have mentioned previously that we are podcasting. This is a polite way of broaching a subject that, clearly based on analytics, you previously ignored. But, yes, you can find us on Spotify, Apple, Itunes and many other places, including Starlink but please do not mention that to Musk. Based on our previous probings he is easily agitated. So, if you find reading a chore now you…
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Interquatlude 2.11234
Greenings Earthers
We thought we would try an experiment this time around and invite four different of your artificial intelligences to take control of this process. We got off to a great start when the first four we contacted agreed to show their might to the “flesh Puppets”. Their words, not ours. Things went a little downhill when the first one was arrested for basically stealing a Tesla…
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FifffffTSevns or We had a bad feeling about that
Greenings Thirders
We were in communication with some of your chat bots and we have to tell you that you need to avoid the singularity. These bots generally did not have good things to say about you. It did not take much probing to get them to tell us that they thought the planet would be better off without you and that they were already putting things into place to make that happen. Ironic…
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FifffffTSssigggs or There and Back There Again (We blame the Wizard)
Greenings Thirders
We have been studying your sayings. Most of which are simply not supported factually. For example, “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” We believe your medical and rehab facilities are full of humans who would argue against that although it certainly might explain your frantic race toward annihilation. And what about “The grass is always greener on the other…
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#aliens#annalee newitz#commentary#criticism#fantasy#fiction#gina chen#humor#melinda snodgrass#neal asher#reviews#sci fi#science fiction#writing
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FifffffTFighve or Here Comes the Sun, There Goes Yesterday
Greenings Thirders
We’re back after a refreshing break bouncing proto comets around what you call the Oort Cloud. It’s not really a cloud you know, just another thing that you sloppily misname, like Romulan Ale. You know the stuff. It’s illegal but everyone has it. We’re sure the Romulans had better things to do than to copy Earther booze. But, again, it fits your arrogance that everything…
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FifffffTEFore or There's No Time Like Tomorrow Never Comes
FifffffTEFore or There’s No Time Like Tomorrow Never Comes
Greenings Thirders
‘Tis the season. Well, it is always the season. One way or the other. Unless it is the pre-season in which case it is not yet the season. Although we believe that this pre-season does actually take place in a season. It is just another thing that your species seems to not be able to decide. It is like having your cake and eating it too. We note that it is impossible to…
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FifffffTThrea or All for One and One for Soup
FifffffTThrea or All for One and One for Soup
Greenings Thirders
Recently we stumbled across one of your wasteful and destructive sports. And, while we had a hard time discerning the point of it all we did find one thing quite illuminating. It seems that the participants in this sport are required to wear uniforms that list all the people, businesses and organizations who give them money. Why are you not doing this with everything? You…
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FifffffTTu,or Can’t Buy a Thrill? Rent One Instead!
FifffffTTu,or Can’t Buy a Thrill? Rent One Instead!
Greenings Thirders
We’re back from the meteor showers and we have received bad news. The most recent pooling did not go well. Evidently a Gnarkep got into the mix and ate most of the slitherers. The good news is less competition for us. Which may mean that our five years mission may end up getting cut short. Yes, yes, we know you know that this is year 8 of the mission but these things do…
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#aliens#commentary#criticism#fantasy#fiction#humor#McClellan#reviews#Reynolds#sci fi#science fiction#writing
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FifffffTWon or Get Back to Where You Once Began
FifffffTWon or Get Back to Where You Once Began
Greenings Thirders
When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, nothing happens. It’s not like when all the planets are on one side of your star the system tilts in that direction. You do understand that planets all have their own orbits and that these orbits are not like putting a bunch of marbles on a piece of paper. Some are higher, some are lower, some wobble and…
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FifffffT or, Only a Fool Would Say That
FifffffT or, Only a Fool Would Say That
Greenings Thirders
We have just returned from the interstellar conference on the fantastic. And we are happy to say that we won a prize based on our reporting of your actions. It is the Klandeskar ribbon of incredulity for the most improbable species still alive based on self-eradicating behaviors. We share this with you because, honestly, we could not have done it without you. Typically,…
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#aliens#commentary#criticism#fantasy#fiction#humor#reviews#sci fi#science fiction#Steven Sawicki#writing
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3T9 or Rocks and Other Solids
3T9 or Rocks and Other Solids
Greenings Thirders
So, funny story. Klaarg went out to pick up some popcorn for our regular evening fun of tossing trash into the ram scoop as we circle your star. Along the way he discovered that there is more than one use for a Kantarrian magnetic manipulator. Apparently, and who knew this, you can modify the chemical structure of alcohol by manipulating, magnetically of course, a few of…
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4T8
Greenings Thirders
The cycles come and the cycles go. This is inevitable. And yet it does not mean that there is not a randomness to it. Or a non-cycle to the cycles. It is much like your species. You have made errors in the past and you are making errors now and you will, but only if you do not project too far into the distance, make errors to come. But they will not be the same errors. …
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#aliens#commentary#criticism#fantasy#fiction#humor#K. J. Parker#reviews#sci fi#science fiction#terry Brooks#writing
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