jxnscz

[jxnscz]

He is not the same.

He was changed but I wasn’t.

He had moved on but i hadn’t.

I don’t know why I still like him and can’t like anyone else.

I don’t know why am I waiting and how long will i still be waiting.

Will he ever like me. Will we ever get a chance to be together.

Is it worth it. Is he worth it. Worth my time, my thoughts or my energy.

Maybe i will meet someone else or maybe i won’t. But i’m not scared of that, i’m scared of the change.

He is not the same.

#been thinking #him #trends #does this make sense

[jxnscz]

Why do I feel like self destruction is the answer to every bad feeling I have? Any negative thoughts, go on...destroy yourself, you'll feel so much better.

[jxnscz]

Leaving places is easy… leaving people is not.

#cant sleep #been thinking

[jxnscz]

Some have daddy issues and some have mommy issues.

I have both.

#spotify #cant sleep #mommy issues #daddy issues #been thinking

[jxnscz]

Everyday!!

do you still perform autopsies on conversations you’ve had long ago?

Autopsy: Thirteen Ways of Looking at Thirteen by Donte Collins

[jxnscz]

There are some people where it just never will be the right time….everyone has a person where they can see themselves ending up with them… yet nothing has ever happened and nothing might ever happen.

The idea of them is so perfect and yet the way life works out. They will always just be that for you. An idea…

So will you ever tell them? Nah I think it would hurt too much if i did

#that’s me #its 12am #im fucked #text

[jxnscz]

Reading…..

#books #reading #genres #fantasy

[jxnscz]

In college too………!!

[jxnscz]

I made a mistake by telling them…… they misunderstood as I thought they would. I’m so angry at me i want to hit myself very badly. Now everybody thinks I’m just overreacting or wasting my time or it’s about my dad…. It is not.

I don’t even know what it is about

Giving me examples and life lessons they think I’ll feel better but they’re wrong it made me feel more worse…. I still don’t know what to do when I want to hit myself… scratch my skin or when I think about suicide…… everybody says to keep myself busy and not to take stress but how can i do that when my body’s doesn’t response…

There are days when I can’t even sit or answer my phone bcoz I can’t wake up…. I just lie there crying thinking about ending …. I think about the ways but I can’t wake up coz I’m tired… i can feel my muscles sore.

It makes me think that something about this isn’t normal…. How can it be…. One day I’m all depressed crying and some day I’m just very happy and motivated then I think about those sad days and I regret that… i get angry and hit myself.

One day hitting was not calming me down so i got my divider and started scratching my wrist…. I wasn’t thinking about suicide at that time but it was calming me down…. I was confused but when i saw blood I freaked out….. I was not in control and nobody noticed it….

And about the flashbacks……. They are random nervousness but they leave me with guilt and anger. I zone out or sometimes i dream about them.

All this things don’t allow me to concentrate on present things like studying or doing things…. When I realize this i start about worrying of what will happen next and it’s all negative…. Sometimes it’s just too much to think and I feel hopeless.. i get suicidal thoughts but I’m so weak and scared to actually do it… i what if i fail at this… this is becoming worse and I know it…

I hate myself…. Why am i like this… everybody at this age is having fun and I don’t feel normal…

I just want to leave like i never existed.

#old notes #anxeity #overthinking #cant sleep #bored af #3 years back #depression

[jxnscz]

#spotify #bea miller #that bitch #awesome

[jxnscz]

#juhubeach #messed up #beach

[jxnscz]

So what is love? According to me it is the feeling when you find something you lost years ago or the sun hitting your skin without burning it….. its the comfort in general.

Love is a thing you can’t stop once you’re caught up…. Like a drug. When you try to escape it… it becomes this hideous thing imaginable. This is an uncomfortable truth about love. I have learnt to live with it.

Question is how?… HOPE.

It’s not the pain that fucks you up…its the hope and expectation.

I don’t really know why i am still hoping… maybe i always will.

It’s not what i feel for him it’s what i don’t feel for anyone but him. That bothers me a-lot.

I have turned my feelings switch off for the time being. As my friend says and I quote “ it’s either love or lust”.

It’s the lust phase going on for me. This is how I’m living with it.

You can’t escape it…. Acknowledge it let it be with you until it does. I know it’s hard sometimes but when you genuinely care about the person you will be happy for them and that’s okay.

Sometimes you’re done pretending to be fine seeing them with someone else when it should be you instead, but comes the reality you’re not that person and maybe your not supposed to be.

It’s time to accept that if y’all are meant to be then y’all will be. Give it time.

Maybe it was the right person wrong time.

After all of this I think we gonna be just ‘maybe’.

#3 am nonsense #book quotes #cant sleep #fucking bored

[jxnscz]

#spotify #drunk text #i have a crush