lucywatches

[lucywatches]

Captain Marvel (2019)

 When I first started this marathon back in the early months of 2019, Captain Marvel was not yet available on streaming, and, because I as a rule hate Marvel, I had no intentions of paying any money to see it in the cinema, so I skipped it. So be aware that I watched this three years after my first reviews were written, so I did actually come in with some prior knowledge. However, because I am stupid and also don’t care about any of these plots, the knowledge was incredibly minimal. So, with that out of the way, here it is: my Captain Marvel review!

We open with a close up of some falling rocks and then cut to a close up of the face of our queer icon, Brie Larson, who appears to be bleeding some fucking blue shit which is 100% normal and not at all need for concern. Remember when she played the bitchy femme ex girlfriend on Scott Pilgrim vs. the World? What a time.

She’s apparently in a super futuristic world and I am immediately confused and disappointed. I hate super sleek space cities in sci-fi; they always feel really hollow and empty. She’s woken up by a man who may actually be Jude Law this time? JJ Feild got me fucked up so bad I can never actually tell if someone is Jude Law or just a blonde British man with a good nose. I can’t be bothered to check though so I’m just calling hime Jude from here on out. Her immediate response is to being woken up is to ask “wanna fight?” which honestly, girl, same.

They fight and then have a chat about controlling your emotions to be a fighter and something about a Supreme Intelligence that takes the form of someone you worship, so you aren’t totally wiped out by their actual appearance, so they’re clearly Castiel from Supernatural. Also we find out her name is VERS. FUCKING VERS. DID THEY NOT RUN THIS PAST A SINGLE QUEER PERSON???

This place super futuristic but still got all these damn steps. What’s a matter, couldn’t afford an escalator? Literally what the fuck is happening with the ripple thing? And isn’t this meant to take place before Iron Man, so like why is this SO futuristic? Is there time travel? Also is she an alien? A robot? Literally fucking what is this. 

Okay so apparently she’s an alien. I guess Thor is a god so I can roll with aliens too.

Anyways, after a chat with the Supremes, she heads off on a mission of some kind with Jude and the Boiz. There is some kind of battle with these green doppelganger alien things and I really don’t quite know what’s happening but it is NOT going well. Brie gets captured by the green dudes and is strung up upside down in some pretty heavy duty restraints and suddenly we’re in a flashback? Anyways she’s in an airforce uniform and it’s fucking hot. More of this please. We start flipping through her memories when holy hot wife Batman! WAIT IS SHE A LESBIAN???? LIKE FOR REAL AND NOT JUST ON TUMBLR????? Who’s gotdamn baby is that??? The aliens are looking for the human her Supreme Intelligence mimicked because she has an engine they need I guess? They figure out she’s on what I presume is Earth, but just as they’re making their way there, Brie blasts out of her restraints (no explanation as to how), beats the shit outta these aliens, hauls ass into a ship and is like “peace bitches, I’m outta here” before crash landing SPECTACULARLY on a Blockbuster Video, despite the fact she should probably have died at least six times over during this whole sequence.

A cop calls this tun of events in and who should show up but Samuel L. Jackson and Son of Coul! I know these guys! They try to take her in, but turns out the green bois have also made their way to earth and are in hot pursuit and it turns in to a chase scene that goes on for way too long. It’s giving Supernatural episode with the shape shifting. It’s giving a Western with the train fight scene. It’s giving Final Destination with the falling metal nearly taking out Jackson and Son of Coul. But oh shit my boy, that’s not Son of Coul!! 

The chase ends with Not Coul dead and Brie stealing a sexist’s motorbike and honestly, good for her. As an aside, Brie Larson on a motorbike IS the female gaze. No I will not be elaborating on this.

Jackson takes Not Coul’s body back to base for investigation and there is something very suss about glasses guy. Turns out he is suss because he is in fact, a green boi.

Jackson and Brie meet back up and head to a top secret looking place to investigate things. They are intercepted by Coach Tanaka from Glee who locks their asses up which, fair, they are very suss. They Mayguver their way out of the lock-up using sticky tape and go running for the archives for some answers. Oh the motion sensor lights on old archival shelves scratches a good part of my librarian brain. They also come across the cat from the flashback, who is also very suss. It’s giving Mrs. Norris. Turns out Hot Wife is involved somehow, and the Supreme Lady was an alien on earth too. Brie contacts Jude and proceeds to gaslight her out of having a single emotion or a shred of agency. Green Boi Glasses then arrives on the scene and tries to take them into custody but with some help from Son of Coul (#golittlerockstar), Jackson and Brie make it outta there.

They find Hot Wife who is apparently not her wife, because the child calls Brie “aunty” in the most shocking example of queer baiting since Interview With a Vampire. I mean, look at all those photos; those are two gay mothers in love, raising their daughter. I have never been invested in a relationship more.

But then, the green bois are back, back, back again, and this time one of them found a fucking blazer! My boi be looking SHARP. Also, who the fuck voices this man because he sounds SO familiar. (After a quick google, turns out I don’t recognise him and I just assume an Australian accent is someone I know). Green boi reveals that actually the green bois are the good guys and the other aliens are coloniser pieces of shits, in a great fucking rug pull. We get a flashback explaining wtf actually happened with the crash and the engine thingo and turns out Hey Jude is a monster, but honestly I actually don’t give a single shit.

Brie and Hot Wife are peer pressured by their daughter to go fight for the green bois because this child really out here ready to emotionally manipulate her mother into a super dangerous mission just so she can get her mums back together. 

Brie, Hot Wife, green boi and Jackson head off in a space ship and find the magic lab in the sky and there it is, more fucking blue shit. ALSO MAYBE DON’T LET THE CAT TOUCH IT HEY? Also turns out the lab is a straight up refugee camp. and MY BOY TALOS GOT A WHOLE ASS FAMILY. They got me crying in the fucken club with this reveal. Then BOOM, Hey Jude and the bois bust in and the fight is on! They’ve taken her powers, but Brie was like “oh you’ve taken my powers? I’ll beat yo ass raw bitch”. But they catch her and keep her in some weird blue ripple shit where she goes inside herself and fights her demons in a super satisfying scene where she realises her power is that a good bitch never stays down. She busts the hell out of the ripple and the escape is on with Hot Wife, Jackson and the cat off to save the greens and Brie Larson out to create a diversion.

NOT THE NO DOUBT SOUNDTRACK. MA’AM, THE ENERGY!

[lucywatches]

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Since I’m watching these in chronological order, the first movie up to bat is Captain America: The First Avenger!

Literally one of the first things out of my mouth watching this movie was “Is that Argus Filch?”, very closely followed by FUCKING HUGO WEAVING IS IN THIS AND NOBODY THOUGHT TO TELL ME?!! Weaving’s accent is a sin and there should be legal action quite fucking frankly, but I LOVE him so much, so we’ll let it slide. So, Hugo Weaving—who has some freaky shit happening with his face—steals some blue shit that I recognise as being in The Avengers and I assume the movie is gonna be about trying to get that shit back.

We cut across to tiny baby Captain America being knocked back from armed services because he’s too scrawny. Given what I know of the military industrial complex that is America, gotta say, this doesn’t seem legit. Also, the fact that he’s not getting ladies because he’s small also not legit. That face and those manners should mean he’s drowning in women. I don’t buy it, Stan.

Speaking of Stans, FUCKING STANLEY TUCCI emerges as some kind of mad scientist, lurking like a lurker. My assumption is that he’s looking to do a science on Captain America. 

My assumption is correct. 

Cap proves himself by being a terribly noble self-sacrificing Gryffindor, and Stanley Tucci gets approval from the angry general man, to make Cap THICC. We also find out that Hugo Weaving (I’m sorry I refuse to learn names for 80% of the characters) also tried to get THICC but the procedure wasn’t ready and that’s why he’s got that weird face thing happening.

So, Stanley Tucci makes Cap THICC, and everyone is very impressed, but then Stanley Tucci gets killed by Frances Dolarhyde/Thorin Oakenshield who is an assassin for Hugo Weaving, and the THICC juice goes with him.

Then some government type people make Cap go on a tour to try and promote war bonds and he dances with some America cheerleaders because patriotism? Also scientists are trying to reverse engineer the THICC juice. I had never seen any gifs of any of these scenes so I was pretty surprised by that whole bit. But, as a casual history nerd, I do very much like that they’re connecting to the whole “comics used as propaganda” thing. ALSO, I have beef with the bad guys calling themselves Hydra when their logo is CLEARLY a fucking skull octopus. I was informed that apparently there’s some bullshit backstory to that explained in a spin-off TV series, but I’m never gonna watch that, so I’m going to stay mad about it.

The all dancing propaganda machine ends up at the front, and there, Cap finds out that his BFF Bucky (who Tumblr has led me to believe is his boyfriend) has been lost behind enemy lines. So, Cap, the lady agent, and Iron Man’s dad haul ass to go rescue Bucky and the rest of the Bucky Squad. In the midst of the rescue, HUGO WEAVING PULLS OFF HIS WHOLE FUCKING FACE OFF AND THROWS IT AWAY LIKE A USED CONDOM! What a fucking waste of a nice face you ungrateful shit. So now he’s there looking like a redhead in Ibiza, and he somehow STILL manages to get away. But it’s only the second act, so OF COURSE he gets away.

Cap returns the Bucky Squad to base and they form a Best Buddies Squad (BBS) and start taking out some Hydra shit. It is a thoroughly enjoyable romp, and we get to see Cap getting the famous shield! Also, Jude Law is not in the BBS. It is JJ Feild, who I constantly mistake for Jude Law, but he has an incredible accent, so we’ll forgive him his trickery. Eventually the BBS catch up with the little mole looking Nazi scientist that was palling it up with Hugo in a train and catch him, but Bucky falls off the train and allegedly dies. But I’m on Tumblr so I’m aware he’ll come back with a much better hairdo and a robot arm, so I am not pressed. The Peter Pettigrew looking motherfucker squeals on Hugo, and BBS go and track his ass down before he enacts his evil plan (something about blowing up cities, it’s always blowing up cities so I confess I didn’t actually pay attention to his plan). Cap and Hugo have a dust up in Hugo’s get away plane, and Hugo FUCKING TOUCHES THE BLUE THING LIKE BITCH WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT IT’S CLEARLY GONNA FUCK YA UP. He gets sucked into space or some shit I dunno, and then Cap is left with this plane, this blue shit, and nowhere to go but nose dive right into the sea. It’s all very noble and sad, but I literally know he’s in like ten other movies, and we saw him okay at the start, so again, I literally don’t give a shit.

And then we cut to the present day, where Cap is really fucking with it for a guy that’s been defrosted like a chook in the sink, and is like, THIS RADIO BROADCAST IS A LIE WHAT’S GOING ON. And he finds out it’s been seventy years and everyone he loved is dead or old as fuck. Samuel L Jackson comes in and is like “Hi, wanna be on my football team?” and that’s it, that’s the movie.

RATING: 5/10. I like Cap. There wasn’t a heap of misogyny, and Stanley Tucci did a German accent. But the story was pretty basic and I don’t know any of the characters enough to care about what happens to pretty much any of them.

#marvel #mcu #captain america: the first avenger #ca: tfa #captain america #bucky barnes #liveblogging #review #avengers #the avengers

[lucywatches]

My name is Lucy and I have never seen the Marvel movies

So, in the like eleven some years they’ve been out, I’d seen a handful of Marvel movies. Well, seen is perhaps an inaccurate term. The only Marvel movie I’d seen in its entirety was Thor, watched at 2am, after a six-hour road trip, and with very high expectations. I was, to put it mildly, deeply unimpressed. I distinctly remember seeing the credits come up and declaring to the dark room, “What the fuck was that?!”. Apart from that disastrous watch, I’d seen bits and pieces of the Iron Man trilogy, put on in the background at a friend’s house, and dutifully ignored as much as possible. I’d also been forced to sit through The Avengers at college, when all my friends were ADAMANT I had to see it. But the common room, filled to the brim with people who had already seen the movie, was way too loud to hear anything, and so I spent the whole movie not quite understanding what the big fucking deal about the blue box was.

In the years following, I’d made lukewarm promises to friends that I’d give the series a chance but had no intention of watching any of them. But then Thor: Ragnarok happened. And Black Panther. And Captain Marvel. They looked SO GOOD, but I knew I wouldn’t enjoy it as much without context. So, here we fucking are. Watching the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. Fuck me.

I will be watching the series not in release order (I know, I KNOW), but in an order suggested by Rotten Tomatoes, which basically puts them in chronological order. I will be accepting no critiques of my methods. Buckle in y’all!

#marvel #mcu #liveblogging #lucywatches #review #thor