madiwhitethewriter

[madiwhitethewriter]

One of my closest friends told me that I am the strongest person she knows. Me.

She said that she has seen life throw it’s punches and people have dragged me through the dirt, and I have been beaten and torn up. And she has seen me at my lowest and even at my happiest and all the shit in between. She has seen what pain did to me in the past and she sees that pain builds me up. She said that she sees me love fiercely and protect those that are my people. She also sees me walk away from or refuse family entry into my life despite them being the only ones I have.

I don’t see what she sees. I see a woman struggling to find her voice and find her body. I see someone who is used to being in a constant fight or flight mode and doesn’t know how to cope when it isn’t there. I see a woman who has been through a lot and trying to find a footing despite everything from her past trying to barrel its way back into her mind.

Right now, my body is a visual representation of how strong I feel like I am. I want my body to be a visual representation of how strong I actually am.

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal #self care #inner strength #hope #self love

[madiwhitethewriter]

My first Christmas and I can’t even have it now because of the new restrictions. I’m so done with Covid

[madiwhitethewriter]

I’m so fucking exhausted.

[madiwhitethewriter]

I was asked today: What is something that makes you happy?

All the songs in the world left “untitled” that artists felt should be on albums but undecided enough to leave them untitled.

What is something that makes you happy?

Xo M

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal

[madiwhitethewriter]

Is it possible to touch souls with another person?

Because I believe I have.

Xo M

[madiwhitethewriter]

My biggest fear is that everyone will start to see me the way I see myself

Xx M

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal #mental health awareness #trauma #trauma therapy #recovery

[madiwhitethewriter]

[madiwhitethewriter]

I just learned about a plant called Mother of Thousands.

It creates these little buds that you take and replant and they each create these little succulent plants.

Little to no care involved but such a beautiful reward. I have to figure out where to find one or to find the seeds to plant them.

If I can’t have companionship or a puppy, I’ll get plants. At least they won’t hurt me.

Well except maybe my cacti...

M

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal

[madiwhitethewriter]

It’s my parents upcoming 36th wedding anniversary this year. I’m so happy for them.

But how’s they get to be so happy and successful with relationships and I’m so fucked up.

[madiwhitethewriter]

A little cherry blossom mouse to motivate and inspire you! 🌸 I’ve had to let go of things for a bit in order to support my mental or physical health. That’s okay! We can pick them back up when we can.

Loading Penguin Hugs | Instagram | Patreon

[madiwhitethewriter]

Pain of life assuages fear of death,

a constant clench of pressure

crushes, suffocates my breath.

builds upon the surface

like a pile of anthrax dust.

        My battered hide

        is crosshatched with

        a million bruises and half-healed scars,

        carved inside this bark, so

        skin seems strong as steel,

        yet, paper-thin when frazzled

        by a jab or cruel remark.

            Reminders of my flaws

            are tatted to these lids

            on the inside, next to retinas

            starved of restful sleep.

      Soon, a salty breath of sea

      will trigger quick release

      before the riptide plunges me

      to darker depths beneath.

Xo M

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetscreative

[madiwhitethewriter]

I look like a drowned rat, I’m damp and cold. But so so worth it because I got these amazing shots today and it was truly the only peace and quiet I was able to find. So worth it.

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal #madigetscreative #photography #landscape #mental health awareness #trauma #trauma therapy #recovery

[madiwhitethewriter]

I swear I have a target on my fucking back. Do I scream “easy!”

It happened again.

I was stupid, I always sit in places where my back is against a wall, a building or corner. I don’t like people being able to walk up behind me even if there isn’t any ill intent.

I had head phones in sitting on a bench on a trail. I felt safe. For the first time in a long time I was able to breathe. I sat with my back to the open.

I got a chill. The air was cold. Out of nowhere a hand came around from behind me to cover my mouth the other holding my hair, a fucking face mask covered his face.

He said he would hurt me if I screamed. He took his hand and shoved it under my coat and gripped my breasts. Bruising them. He was grunting against the back of the bench.

His hand gripping my hair gripped my throat. I was still the entire time just taking it. What’s new? I can’t make this shit up. It just keeps happening.

So I did what’s worked before, I glanced at him and started laughing. I laughed and laughed trying to make him feel humiliated. He squeezed my throat harder, as if that would be threatening enough to make me stop.

He squeezed tighter. I said “you better be prepared to kill me before you get what you want” I leaned into his hand harder.

He stank of fear and lust. His eyes showed me all I needed to see. He was afraid. Afraid for a fight. He let go a slapped my face. And ran.

The fucking bastard. Are you that desperate?

Is it wrong that I’m not even upset by this? He just confirmed what I already knew, that no matter how far I run, they will find me.

It won’t be the same man. But I will always be the same. A victim.

M

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal #sexual assault #sexual abuse

[madiwhitethewriter]

[madiwhitethewriter]

There are few pleasures I find in this word. One of them is books.

They have been my only constant. My only relationship that never hurt me. My only escape without consequence.

Within them I can leave, find my peace and imagination, and return to the stark world that is my reality.

I can enjoy the silence and be surrounded by my friends. The ones that never change. Are there when I need them. And always there to fall in love with over and over.

Fall in love with me?

Xo M

P. S. This is my own picture... I do photography as a hobby. If you want to see more pictures, pm me :)

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal #books and love #ken follett

[madiwhitethewriter]

I haven’t written an entry on here in quite some time.

Things are changing for me. I now can sleep more often, I am not reliving my traumas every time I close my eyes. My triggers are manageable. I have a solid job that I’m really good at. I have all my body parts.... I thought I was going to have to get my leg amputated for a while.

The most I have to contend with are my occasional panic attacks, a couple restless nights of sleep, migraines and daily compression socks. Oh and the pandemic. But that’s not too bad.

But it’s like my body knows it’s relaxed and now memories are flooding back in.

Memories that had long been suppressed. I keep reminding myself that I’m safe. I got this and try to valid my feelings.

But I haven a feeling that my next few entries will be suppression entries.

Good god. This is going to be terrifying.

Stick with me through this and come on my journey to self awareness with me?

M

#madiwhitethewriter #madigetspersonal

[madiwhitethewriter]

I cry alone so you dont have to see my tears

I’m living alone in this empty with no one but my fears

I quake and shudder at the memories left in their wake

Yet i can never seem to shake their ever crowding hold

Despite fighting and pushing and screaming to leave my soul

I’m trapped inside my heavy prison without naught but a light

A light that’s supposed to be a beacon and crowd out the dark

But its just this out of reach symbol that will never be achieved

I want to leave this place, and never return

I want to leave this place, take my past and let it burn

See how the scorching light pierces through it then

I want to leave this place, and leave no rock unturned

Until one day I can make it stop

And I can make it stop

And I can be control

2 am thoughts that never let me sleep in peace.

M

#nighttime thoughts #madiwhitethewriter #madigetscreative #madigetspersonal #mental health awareness #recovery #depression #anxiety