mariemsherifagain

[mariemsherifagain]

In my head, this always doesn't end well. Somewhere on a rainy December night you let go. Somehow midday you realize you do not care anymore. In my head, I accept the loss of you, I say it was enough to love you for this point of time, I say the warmth of your hand was once so freakin' worth it, I say you taught me things, what I deserve, what I should ask for. I say that for that alone I could love you forever.

But on a rainy December night, your warmth is not a fire waiting to burn me alive. Your words are exactly the reason the universe still turns. Of all the places I can be your heart is the safest place. And I certainly don't accept the idea of losing you, I can not take waking up and knowing you won't be there, I won't be civil thinking it just didn't work out, like some things do, I'll be ardent of finding a way through this, I'll mourn the days we had and the days we could have had and where it all went wrong.

In my head, loving you was hard. I can not trust this time or ever. You holding my heart is the easiest way to get it broken. Me not protecting my heart is just the same as ruining it. I want to run away. This won't last forever.

But whenever around you, I want to be with you, the one thing i can think of, easier than breathing. I worry but not enough to stay away. You can let my heart fall to the ground and I won't flinch.

Now somewhere between my head and your arms, I do not think, I am just glad you are around even if it's temporary and I want to say I love you now if this is the closest we can ever get.

[mariemsherifagain]

Give your life the best of yourself. It's not that hard. It is not an extra pressure or a responsibility. It is not a work you have to do. It is just that you wake up and promise an eternal hard work that lasts as it lasts. It is that you remember to be grateful. It is that you share your eye and all it cherishes. It is that you expose your heart and all it loves. It is that you learn how to love. Every single day. And let that teach you kindness and how to be generous, day after day, that everyone finds a safe place in you, that eventually everyone is also your home. It is knowing rejection and for a time being you be crushed by it because sometimes something you thought of yourself or gave of yourself was not enough. It is continuing to give afterwards. It's trying after failing and considering both a blessing. It's not taking no for an answer and taking it when it's time to let go. It's not feeling guilty when you're feeling well and not feeling little when you're not. It's calling out what you deserve.

Give your life the best of yourself that if death must come you make sure it sees how you have used every chance you got.

[mariemsherifagain]

I want to obsess over forevers. I want to refuse the idea that people can leave when they don't feel like it. I want to be startled by people falling out of love. I want to admit being hurt when things don't work out. I want to not act tough when love is absent. I want to believe in the fairy tales. I want the normal to stop being guarding one's heart. I want the normal to be that I give you a piece of me, willingly and with much content. I want to interrupt your path and change where you were heading because that much I make a difference. And I want to be interrupted by you and to realize I no longer want what I thought I wanted because I, instead, want you and all that comes with you. I want you to be why I laugh and cry and dream with every thing describing love. I want to admit you are a light, admit you complete me, admit you are every thing I have been looking for without having to hide how much I care. And I want to keep believing that love can only do so much but that it is always enough.

[mariemsherifagain]

Perhaps, just perhaps, you don't have to be yourself again. Before the skies went grey and your heart went broken and you were the funnier you, the lighter you, the outgoing you. And now you're a weighed down you, a letting life happen you, a do not want anything you. And all that pressure you are putting on yourself to go back that distance, perhaps you should let it down. Reintroduce yourself to yourself and say, hello, I am the new you. I don't understand why this has happened. I'm not so much from the future to let you know everything has finally fallen into place. All i know is life has left some of its scars on me. Life has taught me lessons I never wanted to learn. Life has brought me here, a place I never wanted to be but I made it and like it or not it was survival. And some days I'm too sad to be grateful. Some days I'm too longing to be in my element. But some days I remember i have come this long. Some days I do not deny that I'm stronger thanks to the pain. Some days I love better than I ever did before because everything can be lost in a minute and I am accepting no other second without this when I can and I also, definitely, want you forever. So, some days I am actually better than who I were. A little broken, like all valuable things. A little wiser, like all adventurous hearts. And yes a little better, unexpectedly. So perhaps, when the change feels abiding, and your hands are too short you should reintroduce yourself to yourself and say hello, I'm the new you and I love you so much, so so much but I'll take it from here and I'll stick to this life, make the best out of it and I'll make you proud, you needn't worry at all.

[mariemsherifagain]

There's no need to talk about the bad feelings. All I have to do is try and shake off the idea of death. Just push the wavering memory of death lingering around a hallway. Sing that James arthur song that was stuck in my head and try hard enough to not think that it was right when I realized that to someone I am walking next to his point of no return and how I was thinking that I need to be a different person before it happens and how i must dry the unintended welled up tears at the gravity of what my heart just felt and seen. There is no need to interrupt the moment of stillness as the few flying pigeons rule the clear sky. At least they take my mind off things for a while and it won't be for as long as I hope anyways but perhaps at least enough to make it easier for one to believe in life's goodness. Like it only takes a calm moment such as this, a love for the vast blue, to not want anything else, and to remind me on the days when what I want is, basically, everything else.There is no need to stop running. We need to catch up on all the things we want to become and life seems to always be on a hurry, even if it's important for a run to end, and sometimes more important to not be about some finish line ribbon. Even when it's important and a must that some runs end and are followed by a break, just to contemplate, just to bathe in the sun, just to close our eyes and feel the breeze. There is no need to always ask myself why life might be difficult. To wonder if it's because all our moments have their good and bad in them so entangled and inextricable. To try to cut up reasons it gets overwhelming like how we are usually so many different people in one. That we miss and love and hate and cry and laugh and desire and totally lose interest and be in pain and find comfort all at the same time. Because perhaps if I do, I might remember that as life takes its toll I can still think of you, and how after all the tears we are still home to someone and what some understood with pain posed a question to others and an answer to what should really matter and by that a kind guide to life and how some moments, some arms, or even a few pigeons could be the rest and the motive to run again, wouldn't that make life exquisite, a little less hard, and then It's a new feeling, almost a responsibility, a need .. to always want this life more.

#words #life #want #words on tumblr #writerswrite #writer #writing #my writing #diaries #paper and ink #spilled ink #ink #death #important thoughts #important #short reads #review #feedback #chronicles #author #whattoread #recommendation

[mariemsherifagain]

Don't settle.

[mariemsherifagain]

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you

[mariemsherifagain]

“but everyone had this patina of slightly bruised longing, this shimmer of I think I knew you when we were children, this look of I’ve loved you ever since you were born and probably longer than that”

— Paul Hostovsky, from “Everyone was Beautiful”

[mariemsherifagain]

“In my culture, we know death intimately. In Arabic, the highest expression of love is the phrase “ya’aburnee” Translated “you bury me” - It means “I love you so much, I’d sooner die than bury you” It was used by mothers in our lineage who were so used to losing their young in war; In my culture, we cannot talk about love without speaking death’s name”

— George Abraham, from “Untitled”

[mariemsherifagain]

There must be some agr and thawab for the patience we don't count as patience but that is definitely undoubtedly patience.

For the times we said it's not our worst days but we really were having a hard time still.

And the times we took up the loneliness because what do we know, perhaps a partner would have made things worse, a friend would have asked for time we couldn't afford, but we know it would have been nice had someone cared, it'd have been nice had someone crushed those damn walls and rescued us from the fire we are amidst, it'd have been nice to sleep once not thinking that saving yourself is all up to you, thinking that somebody got your back today.

And the times we talked our fears out of the room, showed them the way and still glanced at them still there at one corner yet we buttoned our shirts, drew a smile, clenched our fists and went about our days, like we saw nothing.

And the times you said it is okay only because you hoped it is, and thought if you said it enough times you might as well believe it, but you, at that point, felt the exact opposite.

[mariemsherifagain]

you will be older and you will be remembering older loves and you will think - ha! bullet dodged - and you will be mourning the places you cannot go without hearing her name but you will be full of new places and they are full of newer people. you will say - okay, this time it is different - and sometimes it will be very different and sometimes it will be exactly what you had done before, but dressed up or upside down. and you will call your mother and hear yourself giggling or you will call your mother and hear the ache in your voice like a sonnet and you will never remember to tell her about that cookie recipe you tried. 

on the stoop outside our house, my friends me that they just saw a ghost. a man who looks just like one of their old friends. i spend the day wondering who i look like. once on a train a woman came up and said - can i hold your hand? you look like my niece who is no longer with us. when i touch the girl i like, it is all-new and electric; when she sleeps beside me it is somehow familiar and casual and obscene in its comfort. when i go on a walk with him, we pass people with her hair or his jawbone or my hand tremor.

and you will learn to put the keys where you will actually be able to find them in the morning and you’ll learn to keep an extra set of gum in the car just in case you’re running late to an appointment and you will learn not to text back as fast just in case you are annoying. and you will be dancing under the same moon you used to dance under with her, but you will be a different person than you had been, because this person you are now knows how to accordion fold a chapbook. and you will always, always think of him when you are shuffling your pillows into their cases, but you will have a new bed and a new shampoo and a new love of calligraphy. and you will learn to look away from the sun and to take longer when you’re staring at flowers and to appreciate thread counts. and you will be older and balancing a checkbook. and older with a car. and older, and texting a friend - i feel like everything is new around her.

[mariemsherifagain]

I want to cover up that we are no longer close in dirt, and how a friend has chosen to break our million year friendship over nothing and that thing that has turned my head upside down and I have yet tried to hide it.

I want to keep the curtain on the feelings I have for you closed. They have stayed behind it long enough it won't be a problem for them to stay a little longer. And even though I wonder why, and even though I totally don't know how they are even still there and even though they are really beautiful and pure and sincere I can not take that risk, of putting myself out there. I have lied about being myself because I can't be myself around you. And this,  though not making my feelings less, somehow takes a glitter off them.. it should be you. It should be you who start it and take my hand off the scary places and into lighter space.

I want to disappear and come back when I have fixed my problems. I want to show up stronger, and more confident and with more faith. And it is sad because I have known how people can make it easier for you, and around a good company where you feel loved and supported and accepted as you are, life is less challenging, and you don't have to hassle and show up proving people wrong, you actually know that you're in a nonending learning experience and you'll always try to make it somewhere and prove yourself right but it is not a timed process and it could be tomorrow or the next year and you deserve breaks and where you are, in its growth and failure, is okay, and nice, and perhaps even great and you, as flawed as you are, mean a lot. Are a lot. And you should just exist, lay back, and throw your head in the waters and smile as it comes out. But I choose the hard way. Always. And it is not that I want it, it is that I trust it easier. I can not rely on people cheering for me. I can not trust that your love won't fade in a while. I can not let myself fall knowing you'll catch me. But if I disappear and fall, I'll get myself back up because i then know, that is the only option I have.

I want to say that I can love. And that I loved you. And that I love you. And that I will love you. But as far as my love can reach, It only lives in my heart and how i wish, that even for a day, it lived in yours too.

[mariemsherifagain]

So today I was riding with an uber guy the kind of "Ana entafet" Twitter guys, and I kinda panicked for a second there cause I thought he was/actually he was gonna crash us both in a bus, and a car another time, which was interesting and gave me an instant rush of adrenaline a couple of times *note: not the skydiving yolo type, aka not recommended* and made the ride full of suspense no kidding, except I got all "memes" from amir elbe7ar in my head and was like fuck this dude I wanna live, Ana kont nawya at5arag w atob, anyways I still got the life is unfair vibes and you could be in the middle of your day planning for lunch when you get home, or thinking about your kids or even fantasizing about a crush yet some accident sweeps your feet off the Earth's face and we are all reasons for each other and it rings in my head often " yorselona Allah ba3dana lb3d ra7amat" and I want to be this and not a reason others know loss or hardship or death, and I also, hide from you not, kinda bargain with God for my hopes that I want to be planted here long enough to tell the stories, stories that make people patient, or ones that make them grateful or ones that make them fall in love or wanna make a change and ones where I mention scenes of little kids running with toilet paper wrap btalata gneh in a garden yet they fill the place with laughter and how it makes me so angry because all kids do deserve a mansion of toys but I'm still happy so little could mean so much to them, and did I tell you about the tree I saw with branches intertwined that wonderfully looked like two Romanian studs sitting together, kinda on each other's laps, and with their heads cut though, anyways, and I still don't know how his mouth tastes and there is the story where I'll know, and where I will be a role model and a friend and someone's favorite writer, and someone's favorite doctor, and more, and more, stories that might give me a break, so it would not be today. Not soon at all.

[mariemsherifagain]

100 Reasons To Why You Shouldn’t Commit Suicide.

1. We would miss you.

2. It’s not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you.

3. It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow.

4. There’s so much you would miss out on doing.

5. There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now, but it is always there.

6. So many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself.

7. You ARE worth it. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

8. You are amazing.

9. A time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life and are in ease once again, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better.

10. What about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? What about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? You can’t do them when you’re dead.

11. I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive.

12. You won’t be able to listen to music if you die.

13. Killing yourself is never worth it. You’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about.

14. There are so many people that would miss you, including me.

15. You’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born.

16. How do you think your family would feel? Would it improve their lives if you died?

17. You’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect.

18. Think about your favorite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again…

19. You’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day

20. Listening to incredibly loud music

21. Being alive is just really good.

22. Not being alive is really bad.

23. Finding your soul mate.

24. Red pandas

25. Going to diners at three in the morning.

26. Really soft pillows.

27. Eating pizza in New York City.

28. Proving people wrong with your success.

29. Watching the jerks that doubted you fail at life.

30. Seeing someone trip over a garbage can.

31. Being able to help other people.

32. Bonfires.

33. Sitting on rooftops.

34. Seeing every single country in the world.

35. Going on road trips.

36. You might win the lottery someday.

37. Listening to music on a record player.

38. Going to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

39. Taking really cool pictures.

40. Literally meeting thousands of new people.

41. Hearing crazy stories.

42. Telling crazy stories.

43. Eating ice cream on a hot day.

44. More Harry Potter books could come out, you never know.

45. Traveling to another planet someday.

46. Having an underwater house.

47. Randomly running into your hero on the street.

48. Having your own room at a fancy hotel.

49. Trampolines.

50. Think about your favorite movie, you’ll never watch it again.

51. Think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke,

52. Your survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more.

53. People do care.

54. Tree houses

55. Hanging out with your soul mate in a tree house

55. Snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees

56. I don’t even know you and I love you.

57. I don’t even know you and I care about you.

58. Because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness!

59. You won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor.

60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER YUMMY THINGS!

61. Starbucks.

62. Hugs.

63. Stargazing.

64. You have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is.

65. You’ve changed somebody’s life.

66. Now you could change the world.

67. You will meet the person that’s perfect for you.

68. No matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you.

69. You have the chance to save somebody’s life.

70. If you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things.

71. Making snow angels.

72. Making snowmen.

73. Snowball fights.

74. Life is what you make of it.

75. Everybody has a talent.

76. Laughing until you cry.

77. Having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy.

78. The world would not be the same if you didn’t exist.

79. Its possible to turn frowns, upside down

80. Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit, and never let them take you alive.

81. Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. Be your own hero.

82. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

83. One day your smile will be real.

84. Having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day.

85. Lying on grass and laughing at the clouds.

86. Getting completely smashed with your best friends.

87. Eating crazy food.

88. Staying up all night watching your favorite films with a loved one.

89. Sleeping in all day.

90. Creating something you’re proud of.

91. You can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit

92. Being able to meet your Internet friends.

93. Tea / Coffee / Hot Chocolate

94. Sherlock season three.

95. Cuddling under the stars.

96. Being stupid in public because you just can.

97. If you are reading this then you are alive! Is there any more reason to smile?

98. being able to hug that one person you haven’t seen in years

99. People care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this.

100. But, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. Because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen

[mariemsherifagain]

Oh the faith I'll have for you. The confidence that it'll be alright with you. The knowing that I won't be hurt in you. I carry my worries and direct them to myself. I carry my fears and settle myself in them or set them inside me. I push the weaknesses hidden down every space my heart can fit. Away from you. Too far away. So when I am around you they've nothing to do with you. And I am all hopes, dressed in love, and covered with every weapon that can strengthen you.

[mariemsherifagain]

Quarantine day x,

To find you is to forgive the world for all its pits and falls.

To find you is to see the dawn in colours and hear music each new morning.

To find you is to forget the pain I have once seen, and to sleep tighter than my eyes ever knew how.

To find you is to grow a garden of flowers that do not die.

To find you is to see a rainbow and a sunshine and a moon that lights up the sky and to feel in every second that my heart can illuminate the world.

To find you is to stop thinking.

To find you is to understand.

To find you is to stop and contemplate, stop and pray, stop and make a gratitude poem, stop and kiss you, stop and hold you, stop and be.

To find you is to feel safe and scared, but the safe is more, the safe is louder, the safe wipes away the tears, the safe shushs the fears, the safe says we have today, the safe deletes all else, the safe whispers now, now, now.

To find you is to love without questions or surprise or steps taken backwards or shaky steps at all.

To find you is to love only because love exists. A fact undoubted.

To find you is to stop dreaming.

And to find you, oh darling, it is to be the dream.

-Mariem Sherif

[mariemsherifagain]

Quarantine day x,

It is not that we do not want to let go. It is not that we are addicted to the pain or so in love with the ideas of people and what they were and used to be. It is not that we do not notice our hands bleeding holding on everything that hurts. It is just that we do not know how to wake up and block twenty toxic friends. or how to explain that it can not work anymore and no, it was not because of feelings that have changed over night but because of repeated acts that hurt our hearts. Because we don’t get how hard is it for others to wish good for people. We can not tell them that envious hearts did no one any good and by envious hearts let them know we mean them. It is just that we do not know how to say that the love we are getting is not what we deserve but it is still love, coated in affection but carries no respect or real care within, so if we speak we are ungrateful. If we speak we have wiped away the good moments. If we speak we are not appreciative of the good we seemingly get. It is just that you can not always wake up and undo what has happened. Delete the death part, the sickness part, the separation part, the scar left to always remind you part. And we do not wake up every day with a replay of what has been because we are addicted,  we wake up every day with a replay of what has been because it is always there, it is a ghost hidden that takes over our consciousness once it can. and by hidden I mean it is in our dreams and the moments when we are not even thinking and the moments we catch ourselves thinking of them and of that turning point we can not take back. It is not that we do not want to let go but that we do not know how. But we will figure it out like a blink, if someday we wake up and our life is better, we have fought enough that we can reach a place where we are so loved, so appreciated, so respected, so cared after that we make peace with all that has troubled us. WE take away the sharpness from every blade, take away the sadness from the loss, take away the surprise from the change. And how I wish it is always soon enough that life makes up for itself to us because that I know we can accept. To forgive at the first glance of request, to let go when we are offered the chance.