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notxherexx · 2 years

Text

tw ed

i want to completely relapse so bad. i miss being sick, fasting for a week, having 100-200 calories then throwing it up and fasting for another week. i felt so euphoric and in control. if it wasnt for inpatient i couldve continued to get skinnier, why are people so selfish? they put me in hospital because i was making them “miserable” and they “hated watching me waste away”. either i feel good about myself and they be miserable, or i be miserable with myself and them be happy and carry on with their lives like i never existed because im eating more than i need and becoming overweight. they need to stop pretending to care. and they kept telling me “theres healthier ways to do it” but why should i do that if starving is working and at such a fast rate. i dont give two sh^ts about being “healthy”. the feeling of stepping on the scales every minute of the day and seeing the number get lower and lower was just the best. it’s indescribable but i know others understand that feeling. but then i was put in inpatient and i lost all my progress. i gained even more weight than i started with before ana (63kg) and now im literally an overweight bmi, even thinking about it makes me want to un4l!ve. how could they do that to someone whos fear is literally even being a healthy weight. they held me down and tied me to a hospital bed to force-feed me and it was so traumatic and i wish i could just be lovely without being threatened by people sending me back. i cant fast anymore because my family sits every meal with me. i can refuse to eat, but thats when ill be sent back to inpatient and im not letting that happen. i cant start fasting again until after my brothers birthday (7th of Sep) because i want him to enjoy his day, i cant be that selfish. i’ll definitely start fasting and let myself give in to all the voices in about three weeks, after a holiday. id do it now but ive been looking foward to this holiday for so long and i really dont want to miss it. until then ill just restrict as much as i can without any notice so i can look a bit thinner on holiday. the maximum amount of calories ill eat in a day will be 1000. its alot but i have to stick to that so my parents dont cancel the holiday. oh how i miss the days when the voices took over. i didnt have to show emotion and i miss running my hands across bare skin and bones along my hips and ribs. id even started to develop a thigh gap, which was amazing because ive always had bigger thighs. i cant wait until next month. by the end of the year i will become walking th!nspo opposed to staring at the th!nspo on my screen.

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