oncetherenowhere

[oncetherenowhere]

That last post awarded me a "100 posts" badge. I find that amusing.

#journal

[oncetherenowhere]

Oh, yeah. I finally got home, somehow took a shower, and now...I literally can't remember the past hour. I barely remember the shower except I washed my hair three times by accident.

So tired. Gonna spend tonight trying to be calm, gonna regulate myself the best I can. Tomorrow is probably gonna be a wash, I can feel it.

But!! At the very least. I am going to be kind to myself.

#journal

[oncetherenowhere]

Please help me. My name is Shirley. I am autistic and disabled. I ran away from my abusive parents a few years ago. I’ve been moving from place to place. A couple of months ago I was able to find my own apartment. Things went downhill when I was fired from my job. It has been very difficult for me to find employment due to mental health issues. I have been transferring money out of my credit card to my debit card in order to pay my rent. I also have to pay interest. This time, I’ve really hit rock bottom. My credit card is about to be maxed out and I could get evicted. I don’t think I could survive out in the streets.

Please donate or reblog if you are not able to donate but would like to help. It would mean a lot to me if you could donate or share the link to my GoFundMe. Thank you so much

https://gofund.me/a6fcefdc

#reblog #gofundme

[oncetherenowhere]

every autistic person watching this episode of dungeon meshi:

#reblog #dungeon meshi #I actually CRIED. This moment really touched me. I

[oncetherenowhere]

Save me, boston cream donut

#journal #is this even a journal entry? I'd say yes.

[oncetherenowhere]

I can feel the burnout coming again. When I got home from work yesterday, I was physically shaking so much that H had to tuck me into bed. I got decent sleep, but woke up an hour before my alarm; now I'm supposed to start heading to work, but the exhaustion is still so bad. I'm lucky that I work very close to where I live- it's only a short walk away. It feels like it may as well be atop a mountain today.

I might entice myself with a Dunkin on the way. Yes, of course, this boston cream donut will fix me.

Augh. I don't know. I'm frustrated. These burnout spells have been happening since I was a kid. Sometimes I feel like all my extra energy is spent trying to push back the inevitable burnouts. Exercise helped regulate my moods, but I was pushing myself too hard the past week, so now I can barely move. How am I gonna make it through the day?? I don't want to call out- I already scheduled a day off next week to give myself more time since I could feel this Badness coming, and I have a lot of stuff to do today.

I am just...SO tired.

#journal #I wish I could explain this exhaustion to the people around me. For some reason it seems to confuse people #H gets it which I'm thankful for. He took really good care of me yesterday. #But I've been having these spells since I was a kid...I'm beginning to wonder if it's even truly burnout #or chronic fatigue. I'd have to find a doctor who believed me to really figure it out #sigh. I just want to be able to Do Stuff. There are so many chores I want to do and places I want to go.

[oncetherenowhere]

They're mourning doves. We have lovely new mourning dove neighbors. One of them stays perched over our screen door, she doesn't flutter away when I come and go; she cocks her head and stares at me every time. I speak softly to her whenever I see her. Good morning. I'll be on my way.

Work is fine. My two immediate coworkers are still lovely. The other coworker is still frustrating.

It's really making me dread going to work, especially when my coworker M isn't there; he doesn't say anything to me in front of her, only on the days when she isn't working. That leads me to further believe that he's intentionally messing with me. She believes me, of course- she even told me that he'd done this to another employee a few years ago, and they quit out of frustration. She's actually pretty mad about it. It's kind of nice to have someone angry on my behalf. This is the first workplace where someone has been mean to me, and it isn't being brushed under the rug, so that's good at least. I asked her not to say anything yet, because I'm hoping I can try to resolve it myself.

My plan? The next time he snarks at me, or makes a rude comment, or micromanages, I'm just going to...say something. I've been practicing different things I can say. None of them are rude in turn, just firm and polite. If saying something doesn't work...or if I freeze again and just take it...I'll have to bring it to the owners.

The problem is, I think he's been particularly mean to be because I told the owners once before. He didn't get in trouble or anything like that; if anything, the owners seemed surprised, like they thought I had misinterpreted his behavior. They both told me they thought he was very nice and sweet. I agreed that he had the capacity to be so; part of why his actions had been disorienting was that we had been on good terms for months! We would chat, we were chill, then one day, his demeanor changed. I looked back into our last normal conversations to make sure I didn't say anything off, but to my knowledge, it feels like it happened for no reason.

I guess their comments do sound like it was being brushed under the rug after all, but M is fierce, and said she won't like it slide again. It...feels nice to have someone in my corner. She makes me feel protected, which is something I've very rarely felt.

I'm just afraid that if I try to resolve the situation, and it gets worse...I have issues with this job, but it's also very flexible, and I'm good at the work. I don't think I could find another job in the industry like this. The nature is laid back- or was, I guess- and I just don't think I can adjust to a new job in a new place with its own problems...not again, at least.

My ideal situation would be not having to work for a living in the first place. I'm tired all the time. I have so much I want to do that I just can't. All my hobbies during the week are self-care focused so I don't burn out. It leaves very little time to write or draw. I run, I stretch, because I know the exercise helps me regulate, but then the exercise takes me out, too. I feel like I spent every weekend doing very little to compensate.

I feel like that art piece...that machine that's constantly trying to sweep up its own oil spill. There's just always Something. I'm floundering to hold myself together, it takes constant effort. Regulating myself feels like a second full time job.

I've been having bad dreams about a different place I worked, where something similar to this happened. It started with comments and rude remarks. Then it turned into physical threats and genuine bullying. My boss at that time didn't believe me. It turned so hostile I had to quit. I just don't want that to happen again.

It's going to sound so self-pitying, but I don't know what it is about me that causes this to happen. I never tell people I'm autistic anymore because it leads to bad things, but it seems like people are just able to tell. I've gotten singled out to be bullied at every place I've ever worked, every year in school...

I think it's my looks, too. I look a bit strange. I have huge eyes, and a very small mouth, round cheeks- my nose was broken as a kid, so it's got a permanent tilt. I look awkward. I've always been told so. If I was attractive, I think I could get away with my oddities. The fact that I'm awkward and weird looking? Nuh-uh.

Anyways, I've got to get ready for work. So...we'll see how that goes. I really don't want to go today. Augh!

#journal #vent #long post #just had to get some work stress off my chest!! #but I wanted to talk about the mourning dove first.

[oncetherenowhere]

EVERYBODY DO THE WENIS

#reblog #dropout #gamechanger #I watched this episode yesterday and it blew my mind. #I've always been a sucker for a time loop gimmick. #I can't get this melody out of my head. everybody do the wenis

[oncetherenowhere]

A few posts ago, I mentioned reaching out to a store that treated me badly. They sent an email back today; I found their response to be very kind and well thought out. It was a relief. I feel like I have some closure, now. Maybe an end to that particular bit of rumination.

I rewatched all the Hunger Game movies over the weekend. I kept pausing the movies to write down notes; I might polish them up and put them on this blog, but probably not, I'm a bit shy about that kind of thing. Regardless, I still enjoy those movies. I liked the books as a teenager, too. I've yet to watch the newest movie (or read the newest book, for that matter), so I'll try to do that this week.

The weekend was nice; I got some good rest in, proper rest. Not the "actually sitting doing nothing while incredibly tense therefore not relaxing" kind of rest.

Some birds have started building onto the nest that some robins built in our yard last spring. I'm very excited about it. Last year, we got to see the progression from egg to chick from the robins; I got to watch one of them take flight for the first time, it was amazing. I was hoping the same two robins would come back- one of them had a white feather on his chest, so he was pretty easy to recognize- but H said he saw the new inhabitants, and they looked more like sparrows. I haven't gotten a good look yet, so we'll see what they are. I need to find my binoculars...

Besides that, not a lot going on, which is nice. A relief. I'm not looking forward to the workweek, but hopefully it flies by again.

#journal

[oncetherenowhere]

...he is weaving the chocolate. Do you copy, this bitch is WEAVING CHOCOLATE

#reblog #dessert #I'm not joking when I say this brought tears to my eyes. #This guy can't miss! I swear! #the ARTISTRY #AAAAAAAHHHHH

[oncetherenowhere]

I used to keep track of every silly daily holiday. Today is National Cold Brew Day- shout out to the Dunkin app for letting me know. A cold brew would absolutely knock me into next year at this point, as I'm a bit sensitive to caffeine these days, but it reminded me of the time where I clung to those daily overly specific holidays. I miss the times where I loved things just because. I hate how much harder it's been in the past year.

But, it gives me hope. This past year has been particularly hard. I have been better before. I have been hopeful. There have been highs and lows, tides pulling me to and fro. So often recently, I've wondered why I feel the worst I've ever felt, when things are fine compared to moments from my past- but I think it's because I've felt peace, hope, love, goodness. The absence is a pit inside me, draining the color from everything until everything is gnawing grayscale.

There have been flickers of color again, is the thing. Spring is here. My neighborhood is filled with pink and white blossoms. The branches are so heavy with flowers that they droop low enough to graze the top of my head on my morning walk to work. I pretend it's the first time I'm seeing them, and I marvel.

So, happy National Cold Brew Day. Happy 4/20, too, I just realized.

#journal

[oncetherenowhere]

Falin with Laois hair: Cute pixie cut!

Laios with Falin hair: HEEEEEEYEEEHYEEEHYEHYEH

#reblog #dungeon meshi #AAAAAAAAAAHH

[oncetherenowhere]

I am so proud of myself!! I made a phone call I've been avoiding, bonded with the new coworker, and wrote out an email advocating for myself in regards to a store that had treated me VERY badly; I made sure to be polite, but insistent. I had this surge of inspiration this morning, and decided to ride the wave. I have been in many situations where I was treated badly/unfairly for being autistic, and I am suddenly more frustrated than depressed about it. I do not deserve to be treated this way; I did not deserve it.

That's a scary thing for me to say; more often than not, I feel like I deserved all the bad things that have happened to me. Every day, I wrestle with self-hatred, and the feeling of being a failure. I'm sure I'll feel it again tomorrow, maybe even later today, but this frustration actually feels...kind of nice.

I want to try and stand up for myself more often. It usually goes badly, but I feel like I have to keep trying. Not challenging the cruelty hasn't helped me either. I feel like I've been asleep for the past year, ruminating in all the unjust ways I was treated. At least if I fight back, even in my polite, quiet way, I'll know I tried to do something.

#journal

[oncetherenowhere]

Maybe this is the wrong platform to pose this question given the average tumblr user but

Is it just me or did our generation (those of is who are currently 20-30 ish) just not get the opportunity to be young in the 'standard' sense?

Like, everyone I talk to who's over 40 has all their wild stories about their teens and 20s, being young and dumb, and then I talk to my friends and coworkers and classmates, and we just... dont.

#reblog #I think about this all the time #especially as someone who went to VERY strict schools. my high school didnt even allow kids to date each other #if two kids in the same class started dating and the school found out they would literally separate them into different classes. #this wasn't even a religious conservative school. it was a STEM focused charter school with the One Goal being #to get EVERYONE accepted into college #which meant literally No Fun Allowed #fortunately for them #i got accepted into college and didnt mess up their statistics #i flamed out fast because i couldnt handle the pressure anymore. didnt last a year in school. but i got accepted and went! #so all was fine to them #it makes me angry to think about even now #i had so much social trouble because of my autism that didnt matter to anyone there because who cared if I didnt have friends? #friends were a distraction anyways! #i hung out with people who kept me around as a pet to bully and none of the teachers cared #i got school security called on me for crying in class more than once #it was ten years ago but i still wish things were different. it further fucked up my socialization during a time where i needed it

[oncetherenowhere]

april will be a good month [staring into the sink mirror eyebags prominent the most upset person youve ever seen]

#reblog #hot damn.

[oncetherenowhere]

Learn Art ♡ Book ♡ Newsletter

#reblog #positive

[oncetherenowhere]

MASKING MYTHS BUSTED: “Masking = Acting NT.”

FALSE.

Autistic masking does not necessarily mean “pretending to be allistic/neurotypical," although you’d definitely be forgiven for thinking it does.

Non-autistic researchers have been referring to it as “camouflaging” for years, framing it as an intentional choice to suppress autistic traits and replace them with allistic ones in order to “blend in.” Doing an internet search on the term will return several similar results.

But now, Autistic researchers are in the game, and their take is much more nuanced and comprehensive than that. (Funny how that happens, isn’t it?)

They’ve found that:

- It CAN be intentional but is often subconscious and involuntary 

- It is a protective response to trauma and feeling unsafe 

- It is often about suppressing more than just autistic traits 

- It is about identity management and being able to predict how people will treat you, not just “blending in”

Some people will lean into being “the bad kid” because they know that’s what people expect of them. Some people will even act “more autistic” because they know that’s what people expect of them. Others still will do things to attract attention in controllable, more “acceptable” ways to avoid attracting attention in unsafe, more stigmatizing ways. Not because they WANT to be that way, but because it lets them predict people’s responses better, which feels safer.

Also, there are Autistic people who can’t “pass” for non-autistic no matter how hard they try. That doesn’t mean they’re not masking. They may actually be working hard to suppress A LOT, they just can’t do everything to neuronormative standards.

None of these people will be accused of “blending in,” yet they are still masking their hearts out. When we assume they are not, we miss all the harm that masking is causing them. But they are suppressing themselves and suffering the consequences of that just as much as any Autistic person whose mask successfully says, “Hey, I’m just like you!”

(For more on this, please see the work of Dr. Amy Pearson and Kieran Rose.)

#reblog #autism #this is a great point!! #my mask in daily life is like...me trying to be very Normal and Pleasant #but there are a few people that i mask with as a goofball and afterwards it makes me feel bad about myself #like why did i parade about for laughs? it still wasnt Me #it's easier to make myself the butt of the joke rather than someone else doing it for me