palebluebell

[palebluebell]

Annnnnnnd................

Steve lived in Tony’s home, he fought beside Tony, he took what was on offer in way of resources and assistance to help locate Bucky.  Sure, during all this he had whoa ptsd, he had grief, he had pain and sorrow and displacement and ongoing trauma.

And he didn’t fucking tell Tony his parent were killed by an assassin who he strongly suspected (knew) was the Winter Soldier aka Bucky Barnes.

I can’t get past that.  Obviously for the movies they’re gonna have to have Tony come to terms with this.  But me, that actually turned my stomach, stopped my breath and made me think later ‘You utter fucking cunt!’.  Because what the hell else was I supposed to feel.   

By the time Ultron came upon them,  Steve’s sat on this truth for a year.  Sat across from Tony at meals, lived with him off and on under Tony’s own roof.  Like I said above, he also fought beside Tony.  Every time he did those things he made his decision not to tell Tony this....it’s not like he took Tupperware and didn’t bring it back...right?  The truth of Howard and Maria’s murder isn’t inconsequential, it’s big, right?  And every time that man was with Tony, he made that decision to keep this from him.  Again and again and again.  Ultron was a one time thing, unforgivable or not, it’s wasn’t years in the making - it wasn’t a hidden goal that Tony managed to keep from the Team for any extended period of time.  But, that’s what Steve’s decision was - years in the making -  a conscious decision made in times of clarity and times when he must have felt the burden of his own losses and grief - but neither thing changed his mind - through all of it he kept his secret to himself.

Two moments I was viscerally affected by in that movie.  Zemo putting the whamo back on Bucky.  I squirmed in my seat I was so angry and frustrated and I’m not usually affected by movies so physically; but  that whole mind-rape thing?  That just gets me where I live for some reason.  At a primal level that disturbs me.  It’s the reason I can’t get on board with Wanda.  For her, I have to remember the horror on her face when she realises she’s  killed a couple of floors of officeworkers, I remember that when I’m trying to humanise her, because otherwise it’s the mind-rape of the team and mind-rape of Tony front and centre, and I want to jump up and down and demand why the mind-rapist was allowed in the damn team.  See, what they did to Bucky was unforgivable and leaves me wanting vengeance from every low level arsehole who saw that horror over those seventy years and did nothing - bad vengeance, with viscera and gore and eyes pulled out and lots of screaming, and that’s to the HYDRA admin staff, so imagine what I feel for the Pierces and the Rumslows. And, see, she did the same sort of thing to the team and Tony, which was also unforgivable, so I need something to pull me past that act so I can try to like her.

Anyway, that moment with Zemo and Bucky when I thought I was gonna come out of my fucking skin, and then the moment Rogers is all ‘Yeah, okay, I knew, my bad’.   I couldn’t even articulate it until after the movie ended; I was so shocked.  But, yeah, my first proper coherent thought on that, while I was walking back to my car, was ‘You utter fucking cunt.’. 

I’m not entirely sure how being in pain and having ptsd gives him a buy on that shit.

Also, I have certain thoughts on Roger’s clarify of mind and purpose.  Certain thought on his unwillingness to cut off the cashcow that was Tony Stark in the ever important equation of locating Bucky.  Shield wasn’t around, right?  So, what, when they had a lead on Bucky,all over the world, they took coach?  Yeah no.  They took advantage of whatever Tony had on offer.

So, he ate the man’s bread and salt, or whatever, and he did that while he knew what had happened, and I can get past Bucky butchering Tony’s mum and dad, but I cannot get past that.

See, this shit here is why I don’t read ‘Why nothing is Steve’s fault and he’s just a poor abused little petal who never meant any harm’ meta, because it just doesn’t end well.

you know. sometimes i think. in the face of tony’s obvious trauma and ptsd. in the face of the more obvious pain that bucky has suffered. we forget that steve’s motivation in the film isn’t just his tendency to hold stubbornly fast to his ideals, to do what he feels is right and damn the rest. 

steve’s hurting too.

like. guys. we are so ready to give weight to tony’s emotional boiling over point at the end of the film, to say “this is why he tried to kill bucky, and it’s not right but it’s understandable.” we are so ready to acknowledge the fact that bucky was a victim and motivated to run by his fear of further persecution and hurt from nefarious forces. what about steve, though? when do we acknowledge that steve’s not just acting with righteous arrogance, but a deep anger, isolation, fear, loneliness, sadness, and hope?

steve died. like, his last memory before waking up seventy years in the future is a few days after watching his best friend fall from a train and he was unable to stop it he willingly flies a plane into the fucking Arctic, ostensibly to his death.

guys. guys. tony was fucked up for years because of untreated ptsd after falling from space and thinking he was dead. why is it so hard to remember that steve probably is fucked up, too? 

this dude, he wakes up seventy years in the future and he has to make his way without really anyone or anything familiar, and the only person who is familiar is suffering from memory loss, and he’s now operating under the thumb of shadowy organization that he’s not 100 percent does good things and that continuously lies to him. there’s no war to fight, but that’s all this body is good for. it’s all he knows. 

he doesn’t know what makes him happy. guys.

and so he goes through another trauma when he discovers this villain who is trying to kill him is in fact the dead best friend who—surprise!—was actually captured after falling and losing an arm and his brains were scrambled to turn him into a murder assassin. we know for a fact steve feels tremendous guilt over this. but imagine beyond guilt, the sorrow, the nightmarish possibilities, that are turning over in steve’s head. the idea of what his friend suffered. remember when rhodey fell from the sky and tony blasted sam in the chest? imagine the anger in steve’s heart at the idea of what bucky’s suffered and the unwillingness to let that go unchecked and unsaved.

oh, plus. that shadowy organization he’s been fighting for? the people he’s been taking orders from? the top dog in the neat little hierarchy that’s arranged his world? yeah. hydra. everything steve has known turns upside down. he can’t trust anything. imagine the paranoia. the suspicion. imagine the fear that must take seed at that betrayal.

and then! of course, then he begins fighting these battles with the avengers where the collateral damage is on such a bigger scale than it was at war. where there are aliens. aliens, you guys. and he’s tasked with leading this motley crew of superheroes in a world he’s still getting used to and people die, lots of people die, and we know that even if it doesnt visibly affect him like it affects tony (who always seems shocked when he’s confronted with loss, because it’s presented to him on a personal, individual level) it does affect him. that steve feels the guilt of lives lost. imagine that burden. imagine the weight of the shield, the mask, the responsibility. imagine the loneliness. the fear.

so then. then. in the space of a few days. steve deals with more guilt from the deaths in lagos. he shoulders that burden. then he deals with the moral quandary of signing the accords. he wrestles with that decision. peggy dies. he grieves, oh goodness does he grieve. vienna fuckin blows up and that elusive best friend is now the suspect. so steve is grieving, he is confused and conflicted, and now he feels doubly guilty—that’s the person he has been looking for, should he have already caught him? did he do it? he couldn’t have. does he bring him in? does he shoulder this responsibility too? what will they make him do when he catches up to bucky? what should he do? steve might act like he always knows what’s right, but a decision like this isn’t easy. it messes with a person. and when you’re dealing with all that mess in your head, sometimes you don’t think. sometimes…you act.

like when bucky is triggered, when steve stops a helicopter with his bare fucking hands, you can feel the desperation. that’s not ordinary heroics. that’s not steve just trying to stop bucky from escaping and possibly hurting others. it’s steve fighting for bucky. for this piece of his past. for the possibility of an end to loneliness. for the possibility of redemption for letting him fall. 

and when they go on the run, when they know they have to stop the supersoldiers, when they clash with tony’s team, can you imagine steve’s sheer frustration that no one gets what is at stake? that no one is willing to listen? and yes, he didn’t even try—but why is that, you think? is it possibly because steve is used to institutions and those in power ignoring what he thinks is right and causing disaster anyway?

when steve says, “pal, so are we.” when steve acknowledges to natasha that he’s 90 not dead, when he openly references the fact that he and bucky are 100, can you imagine knowing that? adjusting to that? being 20-something in body and memory but 100 in actuality? living in a body that people perceive as a weapon so strongly that you’ve become a weapon when you are still longing to rediscover the man you were? steve’s not just cap. steve’s steve, and he doesn’t know what makes him happy you guys. he’s a guy, he’s a human, and he’s dealing with A Lot.

i get that he makes some bad calls in the movie. so does tony. my beef is that while tony’s decisions are often supported by his very obvious trauma and emotional burden, we rarely seem to give enough weight to the very real and very similar turmoil that is going on inside of steve.

when tony is fighting him in siberia. when steve says, “he’s my friend,” so simply, so sadly, without any righteousness, just clean tired truth, that’s steve as steve. when he hid the truth from tony, that’s steve as steve. when he drops the shield, that’s steve reclaiming himself as steve. we expect cap all the time, because often, steve is cap. it’s easy to see him as the moral police that way, if reductionist.

but we forget to see steve as steve. that he is a kid, in some ways. and a grieving, lost, lonely kid with a lot of anger, sadness, confusion, and power boiling under the placid-seeming surface.

#cacw

[palebluebell]

requested by anonymous

#i believe that covers everything #thank you laura #Steve Rogers #laura barton #tony stark

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reblog if you love both steve AND tony despite your opinions about cacw

#well *obviously* cacw #tony stark #steve rogers

[palebluebell]

Let’s be honest, shall we.

Steve didn’t tell Tony Bucky butchered his mum and dad, because it suited his purposes not to.

How else was he going to get Tony’s financial and technical assistance in the search and rescue?  Steve needed that backing: what’s he gonna do on his own, wander about calling out Bucky’s name?  SHIELD’s gone, and he’s not affiliated with any official security force.  He has the Avengers - Natasha would be his best bet aside from Tony - and they all have skills to hack and spy and find out things, but they have that when backed up with an organisation’s intelligence and technology - there’s only so many connections they could possibly have.  They’d be more helpful in the hunt for Bucky than your average Joe, granted, but come on, who’s already got the set up all in place to track down Barnes?  Tony.  

Telling Tony the truth would have maybe put the kibosh on that meal ticket.

Also, he couldn’t risk Bucky.  Maybe Tony would have gotten there first? Found Bucky before Steve, and tried to do him in.  So, Steve, could have trusted Tony, but he choose not to.  Maybe the Ultron fuck-up helped justify his lack of trust that way.  Tony not being trust worthy with the creation of Ultron was a balm to whatever guilt Steve might have felt knowing that while he was bleating on at Tony he was keeping the heinous fact that his mum and dad had been slaughtered in a very ugly way by the very man Tony was helping Steve locate. I wonder if it ever occurred to him, his own hypocrisy, while he was judging Tony and yelling at him about truth and blah blah blah. 

However, let’s also not forget that it’d been a good year from the time Steve found out what had happened to Tony’s mum and dad to the events of Ultron, so really that excuse is just bullshit - again, we’re down to Steve needing Tony’s goodies, Tony’s mind - all the resources.  So, the letter he sent at the end of CW with ‘I was trying to protect myself’ - well nothing but the truth there - he needed something Tony could give him, and he wasn’t about to queer the pitch with the truth.

So, as I see it, Steve made a coldly calculated self-interested choice not to tell Tony, because he needed what Tony could do for him, and he cared more for Bucky than he did for the ‘truth’ or the respect of his friend, or doing the honourable decent thing or being a good person.  It just suited him better, so he did what he wanted.

On another note: Steve’s ‘Ultron-truth is important’ carry on? I once read that men who divorce their wife of many years to hitch their wagon to a newer model, will frequently treat their ex’s with unmitigated hostility - being so vengeful and ugly in the whole breaking up and divorce, to the point where it’s like they are acting the hurt party.  I read it theorised it’s because these men cannot internalise the guilt, it’s impossible for them to deal with that level of ugly self-recrimination for their actions towards their life-partner, so instead of acknowledging the hurt and pain they’re inflicting on another human being - they externalise that guilt, direct it back on their ex and go for their ex’’s jugular.  It makes me think of Steve so so strongly with the whole yelling about truth while he was lying to Tony through his teeth.

#cacw #Tony Stark #Steve Rogers #I said I still adored steve and I do #but I don't really *like* him very much right now

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#eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes! #omg! #Tony Stark

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#my spirit-director Nick Fury #Nick Fury #Tony Stark

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Robert Downey Jr the Mom Friend™

#Robert Downey Jr #is sort of my favourite to be honest with you

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I just want this out there, right.  Just so as there is no misunderstanding. 

I am in no way prepared to read fix-it post-Captain American Civil War. No way - no how - not happening.

I only want gloriously angsty poor-Tony and mean | oblivious | indifferent Steve and team.  I certainly have no truck with ‘they both have apologies to make’ Fuck that damage.  It’s poor-Tony all the way or it’s nothing at all.

I would also point out that I adore Cap.  I avoid all the ‘this is why Cap had every right to do everything he did and was in no way a shithead for not telling Tony his mum and dad were murdered and his best friend did it’.  Because,  again. Fuck. That. Damage.  I can’t say I have been assaulted with the pro-Steve team, cause I don’t read that.  However, I’m still aware there are people who are telling other people that they can love one or t’other.  Again.  Fuck that damage.  

I can so love Steve and still think he was being a complete shit and that his betrayal was so heinous that I’m just not sure I can forgive the act itself.  But, see, I’m not entirely sure what that has to do with adoring the man.  

(Okay okay, jesus don’t fling your knives.  Or Bucky, who is obviously the poorest little petal that eva petal-ed and so say all of us-and can’t be blamed for if his shit stinks after a meal of beans let alone if he butchered Tony’s mum and dad while being mind-raped by HYDRA.  Obviously. )  (Though, it must be said, if it were my mum and dad Bucky did in, fucker would have been a bloody smoking smear on the goddamned bunker wall in the first minute of that fight. Would have been no pretty little tussle, or pulling punches. Would have been no time for Cap to dance around with his goddamn ‘I could do this all day’ bullshit. And, you know, maybe I might have felt bad, but mostly not. Cause my mum and dad - so there is no further need for argument on that.)

Yes, so, until I get my fill of fic where poor-Tony, hurt-Tony, little ball of angst-Tony is seen to be the righteous party then I will not move on.  I wallow in those fic - I live for them - I watch for them on the AO3 lists vulture-like in my intensity and focused like a missile - ignoring all other pairing like they don’t even exist -  and most certainly looking in askance and deep deep suspicion at anything that smacks of fix-it. (fix-it is said with a contemptuous sneer, by the by.)

#post captain america civil war #fic #I'm pretty pleased no one actually read this #it allows for a lovely freedom to express one's self

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It’s not ‘knocking shit off’ it’s being artistically creative, thank you so ever much.  Just cause your plebeian eyes can’t see the wild beauty of the vase smashed all over the floor, doesn’t mean it’s not there for those with the inner depth to understand it..

#kitty

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I *loved* that Kitty, I loved loved loved him.  I watched that bit over and over just to see the sulky organge tub-ball pusscat.  I was so worried he’d have to go back into space and get eaten by those dreadful monsters.  I loved Ripley, too, obviously, but I was far happier to see her go face the aliens than Jones the pusscat.

Aliens (1986) promo shoot

Ripley and Jones

#Aliens II #Jones #Ripley

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and there is is again and I can only but be thankful that I caught it on the go-round

theairisacid I am the worst

#howard charles #gorgeous as ever #smooching a dude #there is a god

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Thing I just realized

If Howard and Maria Stark died on December 16th, 1991, and the opening shots of Tony in his workshop take place on the night of December 18th/very early in the morning December 19th, then when JARVIS says, “Sir, may I remind you that you’ve been awake for nearly 72 hours,” he’s saying that Tony hasn’t been able to sleep since the anniversary of his parents’ deaths.

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I kept thinking maybe Jarvis wasn’t the character I knew from the fandom. Like, the fandom luuuurvvvss them some Jarvis, but in the source material Jarvis isn’t all that?  So what we have is a fandom that invested themselves in him off their own back, and therefore my reaction to his death was the off key note, and on screen I was seeing a valid reaction.  It’s the only conclusion I could come to as to why no one even acknowledged that Jarvis fucking died.  A personage that they all knew and who helped them on a daily basis while they were living in the Tower at least, and who they interacted with at least on occasion, was gone and they didn’t even pause much.  Oh, that’s a shame, move on.  Also, they must have understood on some level at least what that loss meant for Tony, their friend.

That dissonance is why I couldn’t watch that Avengers again, not all the way through.

I guess it could also have been because they were about to introduce Vision and realised if they allowed too much grief over Jarvis, then our reaction to Vision would not be as positive as they’d like.

He said he killed someone…? There was no one else in the building. Y e s   t h e r e   w a s .

#Jarvis #tony Stark

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“Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree?“

#Quicksilver #amazing

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I’m sorry Steve, that —- that is dangerously arrogant.

#colonel james rhodes

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#Tony Stark #dummy #bot #dummy-bot

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“…I don’t think”

#Colonel Rhodes #at least they didn't *kill* him but jesus! #-grumblegrumble- #rhodey