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negansdoll · 4 years

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« Just... Just let me love you »

( Negan x Reader )

Summary : When Negan found out Y/N cheated on him, he sent Dwight to pick her in her room to have a discussion with her. Y/N explained as better as she could that she did this to make him feel the pain she felt everytime he went with his other wives but Negan finished by admitting the reason why he’s doing all this to Y/N.

You were in your room, in the Sanctuary when someone knocked on your door.

- Yeah ? you asked, before looking up. Dwight, you smiled. - Negan wants to see you, he said, looking worry.

- You’re alright ? you asked, standing up and walking to him.

- I am but... Negan seemed really mad.

- Mad ?

- Mad at you, yeah.

You smiled a little, knowing the reason why.

- I see, you said before leaving your room.

You both went to Negan’s office and before you entered, Dwight grabbed your wrist.

- Be careful, I told you, he seemed really pissed off.

- Don’t worry, you said, winking to him before knocking at the door.

- Come in, you heard Negan say.

You then entered and closed the door before turning round to your husband who was sitting on his chair, holding Lucille.

- Heard you wanted to see me, you said.

- Yeah. I guess you know why, he said with darkness in his eyes.

You smirked a little.

- Oh yeah, I know.

- Come and sit, he ordered you.

You obeyed him and walked to his office before sitting on the chair in front of him.

- So you know why you’re here, right ?

- I guess.

Negan looked into your eyes before chuckling.

- Say it.

- I’m sorry ?

- Tell me what you’ve done.

- Do I need to ? you asked with sarcasm.

- Yeah. Tell me Y/N, tell me you cheated on me.

You chuckled a little before nodding.

- Yeah Negan, yeah I cheated on you.

He slowly brushed his beard, not saying anything while looking into your eyes. You admitted to cheated on him and you shew him no regret.... how disrespectful.

- You see... he started.

- C’mon, you’re not gonna tell that it was bad, you chuckled before he suddenly bagged Lucille on the desk which made you jumped.

- You shut the fuck up, he said with a dark voice. I do not appreciate you cheating on me. I do not appreciate you admitted it to me with an idiot smile, and I do not appreciate you making fun of me ! he almost yelled.

- Fine, and I do not appreciate you cheating on me with your other wives, you answered.

- Who was it with ?!

- Cause you really think I’ll tell it to you ? you asked, frowning.

- Yeah you better tell me.

- I won’t.

Negan stayed silent for a second before standing up to walk to you as you stayed on your chair.

- Y/N, Baby, don’t try to act like you’re more intelligent than me, cause we both know you’re not.

You looked at him, frowning, slowly shaking your head before slapping him.

- Fuck you, you said. Negan turned his head back to you.

- You’re still wondering why I’ve done this ? Why I fucked with another guy than you ? You treat me like shit, you treat me like I’m nothing but just a girl you can fuck whenever you want. You’re not the Negan I fell in love with. This Negan has disappeared the day I accepted to come live here. I’ve been stupid thinking you would treat me differently than the rest of your wives. So yeah, yeah I cheated on you and this makes me really happy to see how mad this makes you feel. I just... I just want you to know how it feels to be treated this way, cause that’s how I feel when I’m alone in my bed at night, knowing that you’re fucking or making love to another girl than me, you said.

Negan looked at you, and when you saw the darkness disappearing from his eyes you understood that he got what you said.

- You wanted to make me jealous baby ? Well congrats. I do understand but this can’t happen again.

You frowned. No, no he didn’t get what you told him.

- You can’t do it again, he said.

You instantly lost the « happiness » you felt by seing him getting jealous. He didn’t care about your feelings and the reason why you did this.

You looked at him with sadness in your eyes, slowly shaking your head before pushing him away, standing up and going to the door of his office.

- I haven’t told you to leave ! he almost yelled but you didn’t care.

You opened the door and left his office to join your room.

Once you were in it you slammed the door before falling onto your bed, crying.

You loved Negan, you truly loved him, that’s why you accepted to share him with other women. Before the apocalypse this would have been inconceivable for you but everything was different now. You thought he loved you too but it was obvious that he only cared about you for sex and nothing more.

After around ten minutes, the door opened as someone entered. You didn’t looked up, knowing it would probably be Dwight, who came to comfort you, he was your only friend at the Sanctuary.

You heard the door closing and stepping sound before feeling someone sitting on the bed just next to you.

Dwight put his hand on your back to brush it.

- I was wrong doing it Dwight, you cried. I thought he would realize how painful this is when someone you love is cheating on you but he... he didn’t care. That’s obvious... He doesn’t love me, the only thing that matters for him is sex. So why... why couldn’t I stop loving him... Why... you cried even more.

Your heart stopped beating when you looked up and discovered Negan instead of Dwight.

The way he was looking at you was different from the one when you were in his office.

- Y/N... Sweetheart I... he started. I’m sorry.

You frowned, what ?

- I’m sorry for sucking at being an husband, he chuckled. I’m sorry for being such an idiot with you. You know, sex is the only reason why I have all those girls. I’m not their husband to have a love story with any on them. I thought you knew it, but it seems like you don’t cause you... you said you loved me.

He slowly brushed you cheek as you looked at him, losing yourself into his eyes.

- You shouldn’t love me Y/N.

- It’s too late now, and you know it... you said as a tear streamed down your cheek. Why... Why can’t you let me love you...

Negan looked down and for a second, vulnerable Negan shew himself.

- Cause I’ll never allowed myself to love you back, he admitted looking up to you.

- Why ... you asked slowly shaking your head, not understanding. Cause I’m not good enough for you ?

- No, it’s not... it’s not about you Y/N. It’s about Lucille.

- Lucille ? you asked not understanding why he talked about his bat.

- My wife. My wife before all of this, before the apocalypse.

You frowned. You didn’t know he had a wife.

- Lucille was... She was perfect, I had loved her like I never loved any other woman in my life but I was just a coward. I cheated on her many times even if I loved her... And then... We found out she had a cancer, he said still looking down. When I discovered it... I stopped seing the girl I was cheating on her with to be by her side to fight against this cancer... She... She fought as better as she could but... She died... She died and the pain I felt at this moment was... so intense that I promise myself I’ll never live this again, he said as you felt your heart breaking in your chest.

He looked up to you.

- I don’t wanna fall in love again Y/N, not in this world where danger is everywhere. I... I couldn’t go through the pain of losing someone I loved this much again. I wouldn’t be strong enough.

You looked down, bitting your lip. This was the first time Negan shew a vulnerable part of him.

- But is it worth living without love in it ? you asked.

You looked up and met his eyes.

- Negan, I... I understand you, but... you’re not gonna lose me. Just... Just let me love you, let me show you how can everything be different. I just need you to focus on me and me only.

You then put your hands on his cheeks to slowly brush them.

- I’m sorry, I’m sorry for cheated on you.

- And I’m sorry for the pain I caused you, he admitted.

You smiled a little before pressing your lips against his as you pulled him closer to you.

- Just give me a chance, you begged him.

- Y/N... I...

- Negan, just... Let me love you and let yourself a chance to love me...

Negan looked at you and stayed quiet for a few seconds before slowly nodding.

- That won’t be hard, he whispered before kissing you. Don’t make me regret this decision... he then said before lying you down on the bed.

- I swear you won’t, trust me...

Alright, I didn’t know how to end this imagine so........

I HOPE YOU LIKED IT ❤️

Gifs credit : @neganuniverse

TAG LIST : @jamiekingofmen

#jdm #imagine #negan x reader #lucille #jeffrey dean morgan #twd #the walking dead #negan #negan x you #negan x y/n #jeffrey dean morgan imagine #jeffrey dean morgan x you #jeffrey dean morgan x reader #sanctuary

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jbuffyangel · 5 years

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It Ain't Nothing but a Family Thing: Arrow 7x17 Review (Inheritance)

“Inheritance” is equal parts necessary exposition and filler episode. Not quite sure how the writers accomplished that, but they did.

Let’s dig in…

Emiko and Oliver

Soooo… here’s the problem guys. I don’t really care about Emiko. The whole time I’m watching this plot line unfold I am thinking, “Couldn’t Thea have gone all evil?”

Take a pause and give that a good think. How awesome would it have been for Thea to take a deep dive down the evil hole? It would have been amazing, which is why I loudly demanded it for the six years Willa Holland was on the show.

Watching Oliver try to pull Thea away from the Ninth Circle would have been a good time.

Not so much with Replacement Thea. The problem is I just met Emiko this season. I understand that’s typically the case when it comes to Arrow villains, but I’m supposed to bond with her character as Oliver’s sister and then be horrified when she turns out to be a villain.

Arrow even tried to fast track my bonding by making Emiko into Oliver 2.0. I’m not really seeing the individualism except for evil. Every week the writers were hanging a sign out that said, “SEE? SHE’S JUST LIKE OLIVER!” by mimicking previous OG Oliver Queen scenes. Just in case you missed any of the visual cues or copied verbatim scenes, the other characters are here to verbally proclaim Emiko is just like her brother.

Eh… keep it. Unfortunately, none of this has accomplished Arrow’s intended goal which is for me to give a crap about Emiko.

It should be noted that when Arrow does the “SEE? SHE’S JUST LIKE OLIVER” with Mia or “SEE? HE’S JUST LIKE FELICITY!” with William (and vice versus) I love it. Yes, I am aware this is a double standard. Maybe it’s because the kids have more personality than cardboard. Sorry Emiko. Facts are facts. Maybe it’s because they are Olicity’s kids and therefore my investment is virtually guaranteed. I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s Season 7 and I’m gonna do me.

The only thing keeping me mildly entertained with Emiko is that she is evil. I’m not really interested in watching her be redeemed either. I know I know. The season theme is redemption, but come on! Someone has to burn in the fires of Hades for all eternity. It doesn’t mean anything if every character is redeemed.

Typically, I am down for Robert Queen flashbacks whenever possible, but in order to make this storyline work they had to turn Oliver’s father into a tremendous pile of stinking douchebag. Robert was always kind of a douchebag what with the whole killing a man by accident, lying about it and then getting embroiled in Merlyn’s plot to destroy half the city because of his guilt.

But he had gravitas. The class of an elder statesman. Maybe it’s the silver hair and grumbly grandpa voice I pray Oliver Queen will have some day. Maybe it’s because he put a bullet in his head to save his son. Annnnd… also murdered someone else in the process. Alright. Robert was a douchebag, but he was a mildly noble douchebag and I love him okay? I DON’T KNOW WHY!

But the Robert Queen in “Inheritance” is a misogynistic, slimy, cheating, coward who kicks his mistress and love child out of the swanky apartment he was putting them up at and tells his daughter, “Life isn’t fair. We don’t always get what we want.” Wow.

That’s a great way to create a villain, Robert. Watch Batman or Star Wars or ANY HERO STORY EVER and learn fool.

Emiko worked hard to get her father’s approval or acknowledgement of her existence to the world. She wanted to run Queen Consolidated, but nope that’s a man’s job sweetie. Oliver Queen and his penis, which was whoring its way through Starling City at the time, are destined for CEO. Emiko takes Robert’s misogyny in stride and simply asks him to back a company of her own, but he balks at that too. This is the last straw in a very long line of straws.

Unfortunately, Emiko doesn’t tell her father where to stick it and cut off all contact. No, that would be reasonable. Instead, she decides to go super villain on him. She impresses Dante after stealing from him and he agrees to train her. Emiko vacillates between being a Queen and joining the Ninth Circle for years, but the final brush off from Robert is the tipping point. She decides Dante is right and the Ninth Circle is her real family.

Oliver follows Emiko after Bl*ck S*ren warns she may not be playing for the home team and he sees her with Dante. Oliver confronts Emiko and she sings some song and dance about not knowing who the real Dante was when she signed up with him. Now she’s trapped. It works. Oliver buys it hook line and sinker, because blindly ignoring blatant warning signs is what he does when it comes to the Queen family.

He smartens up once he figures out Emiko sabotaged Felicity’s Archer program to protect Dante’s location. DO NOT MESS WITH THE WIFEY’S TOYS.

Oliver and Emiko face off in a fight that’s a lot about her ponytail. It had a life of its own.

Sadly, this is one of the worst fights I’ve seen in Arrow’s history. I really hope Sea Shimooka isn’t taking acting tips from KC, because it sure looks like it.

WHO IS SHE LOOKING AT? I’m not putting all the blame at her feet. Stephen upped his cheese factor about ten notches too. The whole scene felt awkward, choppy and forced.

Source: smoakmonster

Diggle sits Oliver down for a much needed Yoda talk. John warns him not to be so invested in Emiko’s redemption that he ignores the threat she poses. Ah yes, the evil sibling plot line also happened in Season 4 with Diggle and Andy.

Yeesh, alright it’s time for this show to end. John’s need to save his brother ultimately cost L*urel her life and he doesn’t want Oliver to make the same mistake.

It’s time you left yourself off the hook on that one, Diggle.

It was all win from where I sat, so stop being so hard on yourself.

UGH. I tell the man to be Jesus and then he starts acting like Jesus!!! The nerve. Oliver, being a fully realized superhero doesn’t mean you save EVERYONE. Jesus didn’t save every – never mind. The point is, after seven seasons, now the pine tree listens to me? He could’ve popped the question in Season 3 and I’d be on my way to a second set of triplets, but nooooo.

Oliver wants to redeem Emiko because then it means he’s redeemed the family in some way.

Source: olivergifs

Why isn’t enough that you’ve redeemed yourself Oliver? You’re a Queen. You count. Yes, you were a massive douchebag once upon a time, but you stopped sleeping with Lance sisters (thank God), fell in love with sunshine, and embraced monogamy & commitment like the squishy teddy bear with abs we always knew you were. You also fight for the city, save lives, and cook your pregnant wife yummy veggies to munch on. You’re evolved dude. Cut yourself a break. And Thea isn’t exactly the Mistress of Satan. She’s off saving the world too. Two out of three ain’t bad.

This whole “Right my wrongs” needs clarification. First it was the list, but it morphed into saving the Glades. Then Tommy died and things kind of snowballed. So, how many wrongs are we talking Bobby? Let’s get specific. We’ve only got 15 episodes left. Did you sell Iran nuclear weapons? Use Moira’s toothbrush and not tell her? Steal candy from babies? Are there a dozen more Robert Queen kiddos intent on world destruction?

Time is a wasting. I have a spin off coming and it needs to not be about your bullshit man.

Team Arrow ultimately foils Emiko’s plan. Well… kind of. They miss one drone, but no worries! It was just a demonstration. They’re worried about the next time, when it’s not a demonstration, but I was more focused on the few extra tidbits delivered in the final moments of the episode

Not only does Emiko choose the Ninth Circle, she is their leader.

She is also targeting the Archer program, which means nothing good for Oliver, Felicity and their children. Despite, my frustrations with Emiko’s character I am glad they are tying this all back to Robert and the Queens. Family is where this story began and it’s where it should end.

Dante gave Emiko a gift when she was struggling between being a Queen or joining the Ninth Circle. It was the most hilariously unrealistic looking invoice from Merlyn Global, but it showed the location of the bombs on the Queen’s Gambit. Emiko knew about Merlyn’s plan and she could have saved her father’s life if she simply passed on the information at their meeting. But he rejected her once more, so Emiko sent Robert to his death and unknowingly condemned her brother to five years of hell. Damn.

What Emiko doesn’t realize is that by keeping quiet about the bombs on the Queen’s Gambit she helped set her brother on a path to become someone who can stop her. In the immortal words of Leo McGarry, “ "It ain't nothing but a family thing.”

Felicity Smoak

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

Felicity wins Walter White.

This is something many fans have been saying for years, including yours truly, so I am quite happy the writers agree.

Felicity continues to slay at all three, but a key part to “having it all” is knowing when you need help. Felicity asks her friend Alena to join the company as CTO. Look how excited this human rainbow is. She melts my heart.

Source: felicittysqueen

Unfortunately, I don’t really trust Alena. Yes, I know she’s helped Felicity in the past, but I still feel uneasy about her. Perhaps that distrust is unnecessary and her interactions with Felicity will continue to be adorable and on the up and up. But Archer is corrupted somehow in the future and I’m keeping an eye on Alena in present day.

Concerns aside, I did have myself a petty little cackle. Technically speaking, Felicity had a built in CTO for Smoak Tech on Team Arrow – Curtis Holt. Instead, the writers ship him off to D.C. and bring in Alena who, shady or not, is far preferable to Curtis. I just didn’t think Beth would agree with me. She’s like friggin Santa Claus.

The biggest issue I had with the spinal technology was it didn’t really connect to the Team Arrow storyline. A character feels isolated on their own show whenever that happens. My concern was Felicity’s great individual storyline was going to cut her off from the action.

The genius of this season, and the retooling of Felicity’s company, is the writers have found a way to weave it in with the vigilante storyline. Smoak Tech no longer feels like an island they are placing Felicity on, but rather it permeates almost every facet of the show – both past and present. This means Felicity permeates every facet of the show.

Last, but certainly not least, Felicity continues to be a bad ass wife as she manages more Queen family drama. The man is an Adonis who cooks, but oy does he come with family baggage. At least, Oliver’s reaction to this type of drama is predictable and Felicity doesn’t miss a beat.

When he comes back from the field empty handed Felicity knows immediately how to make him smile.

Source: olicitygifs

She tells Oliver he’s hot. That’s it. That’s how Felicity cheers him up.

He compartmentalizes and hyper focuses on stopping Emiko, but Felicity tells Oliver to take a beat and process.

Source: olicitygifs

Of course, Oliver ignores her and becomes frustrated with the team when they aren’t moving fast enough. So, Felicity tells him to cool it.

He ignores her AGAIN, but at least we are blessed with this glorious response.

Source: oliverxfelicity

Where has this gif been for the last seven years? If Oliver is going to be a stubborn ass then at the very least his wife is going to drag him for it with some patented Felicity Smoak snark.

I think Felicity and Diggle have a system for deciding who talks to Oliver. Maybe it depends on circumstance. Diggle seems like the obvious choice because he had an evil sibling too. Maybe they rock paper scissors. Whatever the system, it was Diggle talking down their boy this week.

We did, however, get some quality husband and wife crime fighting team work. YOUR OTP WOULD NEVER.

Source: olivergifs

After a long day of supporting her husband, incubating their child and stopping criminals, Felicity returns to the loft to work on Archer with Alena. And this was a light Felicity Smoak episode. Damn. Queen of DCTV is right.

Sweet holy Moses, how are we going to do ten episodes without her?

I love Oliver Queen. He is my favorite character, but I think we can all agree Felicity Smoak makes him infinitely more tolerable. Oliver can be stubborn, grumpy pine tree left to his own devices. Hopefully, he’s evolved enough that all of Felicity’s hard work doesn’t go down the tubes the moment they are separated. He is supposed to be Jesus now. I think Slabside is evidence it won’t, but ten episodes without Felicity Smoak feels like a daunting task. It feels like climbing a mountain...

only to get stabbed in the chest and chucked off the edge once we reach the top.

Bl*ck S*ren

BS decides to follow Emiko and gets spliced with an arrow because she sucks at covert ops.

Source: nyssaalghl

She goes to Olicity’s apartment to speak to Felicity about her Emiko suspicions, but unfortunately the wifey isn’t home. Bl*ck S*ren turns to leave when she realizes the only person available to discuss her suspicions with is Oliver. I believe there's 0% chance of L*urel falling in love with Oliver and 99.99% chance she's already in love with Felicity.

Not to be outdone, Oliver offers to bandage up her bleeding wound. He takes out antibiotic and gauze and SETS. IT. ON. THE. KITCHEN. COUNTER.

It’s a very large kitchen counter too, so it creates the wide berth these two require to stand being in a room together.

Source: nyssaalghl

We’ve gone from main love interest to stay on your side of the room. I died.

I don’t know how we got here family, but we’re here and it’s fabulous.

The writers are more anti L*uriver than I am, which is an impressive level of hate - if I’m being honest.

I need to put on a sweater whenever Stephen and KC film a scene because brr it’s cold!

The L*uriver fans expecting sexy bandage time must have been deeply disappointed. Or at least the two fans left were deeply disappointed.

Of course, Oliver doesn’t believe BS because duh. My dog could’ve called that one. He tells her to mind her own business and pretty much kicks her out the apartment. Obviously, L*urel is right about Emiko, but Oliver telling her to shove it never gets old under any circumstances.

Then Dinah accuses her of murdering a witness

Source: nyssaalghl

and L&urel is righteously indignant.

Of course, L*urel is right. It’s not like she has ever murdered before. Why on earth would anyone ever think that?

Dinah even has the nerve to bring up her dead boyfriend again. She really needs to let this Vince thing go because L*urel played lawyer for the last seven months and helped get Oliver out of a jail. See? All better.

BS is redeemed now, so Dinah really needs to stop bitching. Arrow is my life tutor, so following that same logic I’m going to murder a baby and then buy a puppy because it will even the cosmic balance.

The best moment is when Emiko releases images of Savior of the World L*urel L*nce meeting with Ricardo Diaz.

Source: nyssaalghl

It’s going to be pretty tough for BS to keep up the pretense she is law abiding, justice yielding District Attorney L&urel L*nce when she’s hanging out with one of Star City’s most notorious criminals. I take it back. Emiko is awesome.

Of course, I’m not delusional enough to believe Arrow is going to give BS an arc that actually qualifies as redemptive. Helping Felicity was a good start, but it doesn’t wipe the slate clean for me. Not by a long shot. Neither does being a fake lawyer. I would like to see L*urel pay for her crimes the same way Oliver paid for his by going to PRISON, but I doubt the writers will give me that much Christmas. I am very curious to see how “Lost Canary” shakes out. That said, I have very little doubt BS will betray her one true love.

Stray Thoughts

“Which doesn’t mean she’s bad.” I told you Olicity wouldn’t care Emiko killed Diaz. They brought the marshmallows to his bonfire party.

“On your own.” Stephen read that line super diva and it cracked me up.

“Being a father is more than just blood.” I hate to agree with a villain but damn he’s right.

Every time Felicity touches her stomach I happy clap. Source: olicitygifs

L*urel’s shoulder pads have to be stopped. Just say no wardrobe department.

Forcing me to go without this adorableness for an additional ten episodes is not oka. I’ll go through Felicity Smoak withdrawal which is hazardous. Source: ebett

Does Emiko visiting her father’s grave make a damn bit of sense now that we know she played a role in his death? Nope. Didn’t think so.

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 7x17 gifs credited.

If you’d like to support the blog, please buy me a cup of tea!

#arrow #arrow 7x17 #arrow spoilers #arrow review #anti emiko queen #oliver queen #felicity smoak #olicity #arrow reviews #anti laurel lance #anti katie cassidy #anti lauriver #anti black siren #arrow season 7 #arrow season 7 reviews #arrow season 7 review #season 7 episode review #season 7 episode reviews

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megsblackfirewrites · 7 years

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This Farce Ends Now: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Everyone sided with Mary. He wasn’t surprised; she was the ‘abused party’ in this situation, or so she made herself out to be. He knew she was crying to whoever would listen about how her cheating husband kicked her out of her house and away from her kids. Funny how she only gave a shit about their kids when it was convenient.

He didn’t expect any sympathy from his neighbours, but it still stung when he spotted Damien in the grocery store and only got a cold glower when he tried to say ‘hi’. He didn’t bother trying to greet anyone after that, just giving a curt nod if they glanced his way. His kids weren’t treated any differently; he would have raised hell if they were; but they knew that something was up. He’d had to go break up a fight on his front lawn because Christie and Christian had ganged up on Ernest and managed to wrestle the fourteen year old to the ground. Hugo tried to apologize, but the twins proudly said that they beat him up and that they were fine.

Joseph had apologized to Hugo, and, shockingly, the exhausted teacher had just smiled and said that he wasn’t surprised. “Kids have a hard time adjusting to divorces,” he said. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to come talk. I...I have your back, Joseph. Whatever you did, you’re still a good dad.”

He had been shocked and he had been a few seconds from pulling Hugo into a tight hug and crying into his shoulder. It was the first bit of kindness that had been shown to him since word got around that he’d kicked Mary out. Instead, he’d thanked Hugo and ushered his twins inside.

Brian wandered over a few days later while he was trimming the hedges under his windows and offered to lend a hand. Joseph was grateful for the assistance and asked him to handle the giant tree in the front yard since its branches were getting dangerously droopy towards the house. Matt popped over a few times to keep an eye on his kids when they wanted to play kickball in the street. He didn’t say anything, but just knowing that he was still looking out for Joseph’s kids was nice.

He didn’t see much of the other dads on the cul-de-sac and he saw even less of Robert and Mary. He was fine with that, even if the thought of Robert made his gut twist with guilt. He shouldn’t have said what he had, but he wanted Robert to hurt. He’d wanted that man, the man he’d started to fall in love with, the man he had been ready to run away with the kids with, to hurt like he did when Robert stabbed him in the back.

Mary hadn’t known about him and Robert. Hadn’t had a clue. Because they didn’t do anything at first. They’d get a drink, Joseph would have a sympathetic ear to bitch to about Mary’s habits, and then they’d go their separate ways for the night. Then...that night on the yacht. Joseph had too much to drink; he really had a weak alcohol tolerance and shouldn’t have taken shots of whiskey; and...and then they had sex. And it was the most amazing thing he’d felt in a lifetime. He got addicted; to Robert’s mouth, his hands, those big thighs pushing his out as Robert filled him again and again, and that voice whispering sweet things in his ear. They’d started making plans to get away, to take the kids for a ride down the coast and send Mary the divorce papers after they’d landed...somewhere. Robert kept saying Florida but Joseph knew he would never make it that far before he turned around and returned to Maple Bay. That was home and Robert begrudgingly agreed.

Then, Joseph got home one night after a Youth Mixer and Mary confronted him. He had been ready to admit that he had been seeing Robert, but the pictures she threw at him were not their neighbour. They were strangers, men he’d never seen before, but she snarled that Robert told her all about it. Told her all about his cheating and his sexual appetite, how he let all these men sodomize him over and over again.

“A filthy bottom bitch” is what she had called him before she smiled so sweetly. That was when he had grown to fear her. He knew the power she had over him in that instant.

“They’d never let an adulterer like you have children,” she said. “They’d never let your buggered ass anywhere near them. You sexual deviant; what judge would give children to a monster like you?”

He’d wanted to throw up. He’d wanted to cry. She would get his children, his darling babies would be awarded to her because he was gay. They’d never give him the children. They would be left in her neglectful hands. She didn’t even remember her children’s name most days because she was so drunk!

So he’d sank to his knees and begged for her forgiveness. He’d forsaken his sexuality on the spot, promising her that he’d never do it again and that he’d be unwavering in his loyalty to her. She’d accepted it, all with that sweet smile and knowing look in her eyes.

When he went to Robert the next day, the man was smiling and asking when they were leaving. Joseph’s heart had broken into a thousand pieces as he said that they were over and that he was going to work on his marriage with Mary. Robert had lashed out, furious with him. He’d started calling him names, sneering about what a terrible person he was and how he couldn’t be trusted.

“And lying to Mary about all the men I’ve slept with is worthy of trust?” Joseph had whispered, tears burning his eyes. “You are such a self-centered prick, Robert Small. Good day.”

And he had stayed in that loveless relationship for almost two more years before he found his courage again. Now, he had no support system around him. It would be easy to give in and let the world tear him apart. But he wasn’t a coward and he wasn’t weak; he would stand up before all of those that wished to tear him down and spit in their eyes.

He went to the church on one of his days off, ignoring the glares he received from the other ministers. He hadn’t lost his position and his boss had even whispered that he didn’t believe a word Mary had said about him.

“You’re a good man,” he had smiled. “Mary...could learn to be as kind as you.”

He would be lying if it didn’t make him feel good to hear. Yes, he knew that what he had done with Robert had been wrong; he never should have slept with anyone other than his wife; but that was one mistake in a grand ocean of sins that any human could commit. And to say that his love for Robert made him worse than Mary who continually flirted with other men in the hopes of getting booze was cruel. They were both in the wrong and it was best that they went their separate ways.

He knelt down in the pews to pray, bowing his head as one of the ministers wandered up and down the aisle. They ignored him, letting him pray quietly.

“Our Father who art in Heaven,” he murmured to himself. “I have often asked You if this is the proper path for me. I have always assumed that You intended me to be a devout husband, father, and minister. I now begin to have doubts. All my life I have been told to stand in Your light and follow what thousands before me have done; I see the error in that logic now. I was never meant to be a husband; not the traditional way. Mary was not a good match for me and I allowed myself to be fooled into believing it. I have endured pain beyond what most will experience in their life at the hands of their lover. When I thought I had escape, you snatched it away from me and subjected me to more pain. I thought I had done something wrong, but I know that is not true. My adultery was a sin, but the love we shared was not. No longer will I allow such shallow beliefs to hold me back. You, who are most holy and powerful, cannot stop me from loving another man. If the Devil only offers love to the tempted, he is not the cruel master and deceiver. I will hold to Your teachings only where the benefit of others is concerned. Beyond that, I will walk my own path now. I have seen the true colours of Your face and it is more cruel and unloving than anything I have ever seen. I am no longer Your lamb; I am Your wolf.”

He rose smoothly to his feet and headed for the back offices. He left his letter of resignation on his boss’ desk, along with his rosary, and swept out of the church. He would no longer allow their poison to hurt him; he would teach the love and forgiveness of a much kinder God than what his father had taught him. He would help others not make the same mistakes he had. If he could save even one lost lamb from being led to the slaughterhouse and show them the strength in being a wolf instead, it would be worth it.

“Dad, can we get a dog?” Christian grinned as Crish knocked his bowl of dry cereal to the floor.

“Why do we need a dog?” Joseph smirked as he went to get the hand-vac.

“They could eat the food we drop!” Christie grinned. Chris nodded enthusiastically.

“Or, you could just stop throwing your vegetables on the ground,” Joseph offered as he cleaned the Cheerios off of the ground.

“Please?” Chris asked. “We can go for later walks if we have a dog!”

“You sure?” Joseph smirked as he put the hand-vac on the table and leaned forward. “Dogs are a lot of work. You have to feed them and water them and take them for walks and clean up their poop. It’s not something to take lightly.”

“We’ll take care of it!” Christian promised. “Please?”

“Ernest got a dog!” Christie added.

Ah, yes, Duchess Contessa. The oversized lapdog that knew how to open doors. Oh, how his kids loved that massive puppy. Everyone loved that dog. She was sweet if not a little hyper.

“We are not getting a Mastiff,” he said sternly. “Small to medium, that’s it.”

“So we can have a dog?!” his kids squealed.

“Dog!” Crish clapped his hands eagerly.

“Yes, we can get a dog,” Joseph smiled. “From the animal shelter.”

The kids cheered, grinning widely at him before hurrying to finish their breakfast and get ready for school. Chris herded his siblings out the front door at a quarter after eight, shouting that he loved Joseph over his shoulder. He watched as his kids raced down the sidewalk to the bus stop, smiling as Christie and Christian hung off of Daisy’s arms as they waited for the bus.

He puttered around the house chasing after Crish until there was a knock at the front door. He opened the door as he swung Crish over his shoulder, keeping his toddler from escaping into the world. He blinked at Craig in surprise before he smiled.

“Oh! Hello, Craig,” he said. “How’s life been treating you?”

“Good, good,” Craig coughed and shifted nervously. “Um, hey, I was wondering, since I know you’re not working today, if you wanted to come for a jog with me? Or a walk; walking is good too.”

“I...sure!” Joseph smiled. “Let me get Crish’s stroller.”

He closed the door and set Crish down on his feet. It took a few minutes of rummaging through the closet to find the elusive baby stroller, but Crish was excited when he saw it. They stepped outside and Craig smiled as Crish climbed into the unfolded stroller and let Joseph buckle him in. River ‘gooed’ from her usual place on Craig’s chest, waving her little arms in greeting. Joseph gave her a quick tickle under the chin before they started walking down the street.

“Sorry I haven’t been around much, bro,” Craig said after a few minutes of silence. “I’ve just...I thought you’d want some space, you know?”

“Yes,” Joseph nodded. “I do appreciate the time to think, but I have been...lonely. I’m not used to being avoided.”

Craig gave him a sad smile. “Sorry, again, bro,” he said. “I should have talked to you first. I mean, Robert’s been spitting mad about you and Mary splitting up, but honestly? That’s the best thing you did for your kids.” His face fell and he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “It’s not easy, I know. You feel like a terrible parent for giving your kids a broken family, but it’s for the best. Better to give them a broken family than have them grow up seeing their parents mentally and emotionally destroy each other.”

“Thank you for understanding,” Joseph smiled. “I...forget sometimes that you and Hugo know what I’m going through. I’m so used to being a pillar of the community that...well, this is new to me.”

“We got your back, bro,” Craig grinned at him. “Maybe we could become jogging buddies!”

“Craig, I haven’t gone jogging in years,” Joseph grimaced. “I’m not fond of it. However, if you want to do a gym run, let me know; I love those weight machines. They work wonders when you have to wrangle kids all day. And haul ropes.”

“Joe...you have a fully automated yacht,” Craig frowned. “You don’t have any ropes to haul.”

Joseph side-eyed Craig. “What, you think that yacht is the only boat I own?” he asked. “My friend, the yacht is just the one I host parties on.”

Craig stared at him before grinning widely. “Dude!”

Joseph nodded as they continued on. They walked a few blocks, catching up with one another. They stopped in at the Coffee Spoon and Matt greeted them warmly. Joseph and him talked for a few minutes about the latest Christian rock band to hit the music scene before Matt gave both of them a sampler size of his latest confectionary creation; some sort of funfetti loaf that smelled strangely like strawberries.

They walked back towards the cul-de-sac, laughing like they hadn’t spent a month apart from each other. They paused as the spotted a familiar figure heading towards them at a mad run. Joseph handed the stroller off to Craig and caught Damien before he collapsed. The man was in tears, his mascara and foundation running down his face.

“I, I can’t find him!” Damien sobbed against Joseph’s chest. “Please...please!”

“Ssh, Damien,” Joseph soothed. “Take a few deep breaths, okay? That’s it. Now, what’s wrong?”

“It, it’s Lucien,” Damien whimpered as he wiped at his eyes. “I can’t find him anywhere! We had a fight last night, one of the worst we’ve ever had and he stormed off. I thought he went to his friend’s house, but their mother said she hadn’t seen Lucien for a couple of days. He’s not in his usual haunts and...I’m so scared! This isn’t like him! He always calls me to let me know where he’s gone!”

“It’s going to be okay, Damien,” Joseph soothed. “Craig, can you babysit Crish for a little while?”

“No problem, bro,” Craig smiled before he gave Damien a big hug. “Hey, we’re going to find Lucien,” he added. “And he’s going to be fine. Damien’s a smart kid. He’s probably just holed up at a different friend’s house being a moody little teenager.”

“Yah,” Damien smiled as Craig pulled away. “Thank you, Craig.”

Craig nodded before he started jogging for his house, pushing Crish’s stroller ahead of him. Joseph waited for him to get a fair distance away before he looked at Damien.

“What was the fight over? It might help find him,” he said.

“You,” Damien sighed and slumped. “I...he wanted to go see you and I’ve been telling him to leave you alone. He’s still young; I didn’t want him saying something insensitive.”

“Insensitive?” Joseph arched an eyebrow.

“I have been...less than civil towards you since you separated from Mary,” Damien admitted. “I have let my fondness for Mary overshadow the situation. No matter what she says about your extra-marital affairs, they pale in comparison to her drinking problem. I am the last person that should be judging you on removing a poisonous person from your children’s lives.”

Joseph smiled and hugged Damien tightly. “It’s okay, Damien,” he said. “I don’t hold it against you. But, right now, we need to find our favourite punk escapee. Have you called Hugo to see if he’s in class?”

“I did,” Damien nodded. “He wasn’t at school and they have written consent from me to not be there today.”

“So he forged your signature,” Joseph snorted in amusement.

“He is very good at it,” Damien pouted.

“Okay, so that rules out him being a good little punk,” Joseph said. “He’s not at his other friends’ houses?”

“I’ve called around; no one’s seen him since last night,” Damien said.

“You’re going to slap me, but let’s check the church,” Joseph said. “If he wanted to speak to me last night, he might have gone there thinking I was in.”

“Maybe,” Damien frowned. “But...didn’t you quit?”

“I did,” Joseph smiled. “But does Lucien know that?”

“A fair point,” Damien nodded before he hurried back towards his house. “We’ll take my car.”

“It is closer,” Joseph agreed as he trotted at Damien’s heels.

They climbed into the car and headed towards Joseph’s old church. There was no sign of Lucien, but Joseph headed inside to see if he had stopped in. Damien looked a little uncomfortable, but Joseph made it clear that he was welcome, bowing at the waist like a gentleman to make Damien laugh and relax.

“Oh, Joseph; how are you?” one of the ministers spotted him and waved. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Weren’t even at service last week. Are you well?”

“I am,” Joseph reassured. “Have you seen Lucien Bloodmarch around? Yeh high,” he held his hand up around the center of his chest, “white blond hair, lots of piercings?”

“I did see him,” she nodded. “He went down towards your office but he beat a mad retreat after Gunther started shouting at him.”

“Why would he…?” Joseph started to ask before he groaned. “Nevermind. He saw the tattoo, didn’t he?”

“Well, he did say the kid was a devil worshipper so...probably?” the minister frowned. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m just looking for my son,” Damien shook his head. “I’m worried.”

“You have Joseph helping you look for him; he’s a real scent-hound,” the minister smiled. “I think he headed towards the marina when he left, if that helps.”

“Probably heading for the yacht,” Joseph nodded. “Thanks, Helena.”

Helena waved as they left the church and headed back for the car. Damien’s foot was heavier than usual as they headed for the marina; he almost blew a stop light but managed to stop at the last second with a very uncharacteristic swear and hiss.

They made it to the boat launch in one piece and hurried towards Joseph’s yacht. Joseph could see someone moving around below deck and smiled. He motioned for Damien to stay put before climbing onboard and heading for the door to the lower levels.

“Lucien?” he called as he pushed the door open. “Hey, you there, kiddo?”

“Joseph!” Lucien looked up with a watery smile from where he was collapsed on his bed. “I’ve been looking for you!”

“And your father has been looking for you,” Joseph said as he closed the door behind him and made his way over to sit beside Lucien. “He’s very worried.”

Lucien looked at his feet. “He didn’t want me seeing you,” he said. “Said that...I’d just make things worse.”

“Not the best wording, perhaps, but Damien was worried that you would say something to offend me,” Joseph soothed. “A young mouth and brain don’t always think at the same pace.”

“I miss you,” Lucien murmured. “I miss listening to your stories. You...you aren’t like a lot of other councillors that I’ve had to see. You listen and you get what we’re going through. And I miss your cook-outs.”

“Well, the twins’ birthday is coming up soon if you want to help with that,” he smiled. “I need someone to man the bouncy castle so soaking wet kids don’t try to jump on it.”

Lucien smiled at him and shifted closer to drop his head on Joseph’s shoulder. “You’re the best, Joseph,” he said.

“Thank you for thinking so,” Joseph smiled as he hugged Lucien close. “You ready to face your father?”

“Yah,” Lucien took a deep breath and got to his feet. “Was he mad?”

“No; he was worried and scared,” Joseph said as he got to his feet. “Where did you spend the night?”

“Robert’s couch,” Lucien said. “They were out until two in the morning and they didn’t even seem to see me when they got home. It’s...unnerving.”

Joseph frowned, but nodded. “Make sure to tell Damien that, okay? Just so he doesn’t think you slept in a gutter or something.”

Lucien nodded and followed Joseph back onto the deck. Damien hurried aboard as soon as he saw Lucien, hugging him to his chest and kissing over his forehead. He apologized profusely, crying again and making Lucien break down into tears as well. Joseph herded them off the deck and back to the car, letting the two of them talk in the backseat as he drove them home.

Damien saw him off with a kiss on the cheek and the promise to help him set up anything he needed for the twins’ birthday. Joseph thanked him, winking at Lucien when he told him to stay out of trouble, and went to retrieve his baby from Craig.

#DDADDS #Joseph Christiansen #past roseph

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thricebedamned-blog · 5 years

Text

The Litany (lost letters 5)

It's better this way, isn't it? Safer. Calmer. We're friends. Good friends. We can rely on eachother, care for one another in friend ways, provide insight and advice for one another. Without the messy risks of actual intimacy. That's where both of us keep most of our crazy, after all. On the other side of our intimacy walls. It's just so fucking dangerous and raw to share what's back there. Gods, that vulnerability is terrifying. Every time I send one of these letters, I'm still scared it'll be the last straw. That I'll expose some gross scary truth that'll send you running. Much safer to stay friends. To stay in my very specific place. It's so comfortable here, and what would we even gain? Nothing all *that* important to either of us, surely; we have eachother's minds (the best part of me, and certainly one of your finest features) why even bother getting hearts mixed up in it? They'd just fuck everything up like always anyway. Besides, I know I'm not really good enough for you. I'm a coward, for one. My whole psychology is based around fear; I fear the unknown so much I try endlessly to know everything. I fear losing you so much I cling sometimes. I fear instability so much I kept my own unhappiness from my wife for *years*. I fear my own worthlessness so much that I built my entire persona around being of use to others. When I look into the depths of my soul I see a frightened child, huddling in the closet while his parents scream at eachother, powerless and torn because I know them both so well and love them both so much. That's not a strong person, not a fit partner for someone like you. That's a gutless adolescent masqerading as a man. Besides, I'm clearly lying to myself, and you. I've stayed in your life this long for lots of reasons, and sexual desire is obviously one of them. If there hadn't been an undercurrent of lust from day one, our connection would have fizzled, and I'd have been gone within weeks. As sweet and romantic as all the rest is, if I didn't find you physically attractive I'd have dismissed you along with all the other smart, sensitive souls who fall short of my arbitrary, often weight-based beauty standards. I'm shallow, and you don't need that in your life. Then there's the economics of it. Your poverty and my affluence are a gulf I don't know how we'd ever bridge, because I can't rescue you and if I just sit by and watch you suffer, I'm a goddamn monster. I feel enormous guilt about it, just, all the time. In an intimate setting, that guilt would probably poison us; I'd try to help too much, you'd push back, it would be a disaster. And that's leaving aside the fact that my family lives in luxury while yours is subject to routine inspection. That's another biggie. I already *have* a family, and they have to come first. Which means what I give you will never, ever feel like enough to me. Even if you opened up to me absolutely, loved me completely, I'd still only have like two nights a week (three tops) and an anemic date budget to offer you. There's no way I can be there for every crisis, every triumph, every time I'm needed. Everything else, you already have for the asking. The best parts of me, you get by being friends with me. So again, why even bother trying more? Even if we went ahead, and it went *great*, like starry-eyed, Twue Wuv amazing, it could still have massive consequences for both of us. Right now, my polyamory is plausibly deniable, my marriage is stable. How long does that last if we're romantically entangled? How long before her patience wanes and she starts pushing back, and my marriage, my family cracks and crumbles? Forget the cheating husband card (she's in a glass house there) she could play the "manipulative older man taking advantage of a gullible young girl" card based on our ages alone. While the statute of limitations has expired, I'd probably still lose my kids (to break flow for a minute, I don't honestly believe she would ever do that, but the worry that she *could* is what matters here). Is that a risk worth running for a little intimacy? Besides which, I'm almost certainly sexually inadequate. I've been with two women, four if you count third base; I never even learned to give decent oral because my wife's trauma takes that off the table. Even aside from that I'm nervous and awkward (there's that scared adolescent again) and so insecure I'm practically a never-nude. I'm a goddamn fixer upper when I'm not roleplaying a sexually dynamo. Even then my performance is nothing to write home about. Why risk ruining a great friendship with bad sex? And then there's just my personality. I'm *weak* love. I'm not as strong or as smart as you are. You need someone who challenges you, teaches you. What am I going to teach you? Dungeons and Dragons rules? Ludonarrative dissonance? Networking jargon? How to cause awkward pauses by smacking into people's walls? I'm intellectually *useless* to you. And ethically, I'm dead weight. I'm a privileged, self-satisfied cishet white guy who could have easily wound up a stalker, an incel, or worse. I have the moral fortitude of a sybaritic Roman Patrician converting to Christianity to avoid Constantine's wrath. I'm so unworthy of you, my love. I'm not sure I can handle B. Even aside from the fear he'll traumatize my daughters, I'm just not sure he won't push me too far because I'm not giving him the exact right kind of attention. I love all of your kids, but he's a giant pile of wants and special needs and I just don't know if I can cope with him long term. He's a lot, more than both of the others together. Isn't it better if we don't risk it? I might get mad at you too. I'm pretty well-heeled but I'm only human and I feel *so much* where you're concerned. I might yell, I might curse, I might just look at you wrong, and trigger your PTSD. Hell, I might *act* too well and do it. Then where will we be? How could you even look at me after that? And all for expressing an emotion as fundamental as anger. Isn't it wiser to stay at a safe distance? And I'm crazy. I'm clearly, transparently unstable, at least where you're concerned. It's scary. It's creepy. It's unhealthy for me and I can't imagine it's great for you either. I obsess about you, I pore over every data point you let slip, every glance, every Facebook post for meaning and insight with an intensity that quickly turns toxic for both of us. There is enough crazy in your life without me adding mine to the pile. I'm supposed to be this shelter in the storm but I'm all wobbly and leaky when it comes to you. It's embarrassing, and useless, and for all I know it could be dangerous. If I'm capable of shattering like that, what else am I capable of? Why would we even chance finding out? Then there's your New Guy. Your heart is full up with that little champion. He deserves you You deserve him. You're great for eachother, and I have no desire to fuck that up. What right do I have to your time in the face of that? What purpose do I serve when you're already being loved and supported just as my heart tells me you should be? So much better to keep our walls in place and our secrets behind them. I've let things go unspoken before; I'm sure you have to. We can just do that. It'll be safe, and comfortable, and just a little painful. But we'll still have eachother. The pieces we're willing to share anyway. And as for the rest, what we don't know about one another can't hurt us. It's not as if we've wasted a year we could have been loving one another being too hurt and afraid to even talk about it. Because that, that would be the fucking worst, wouldn't it? But you never loved me. Maybe you never could have. I was just a friend when you needed one. A kind ear, a useful foil. I never mattered all that much. I was never the Professor, the Mexican, in the grand scheme of things I'm barely the Old Man. When you write your story someday, I'll be a fucking footnote. Everything else I tell myself is just letting my feelings gaslight me, again. I fucked it up with you from early on and never stopped. And then fucked it up *more dramatically* and was just too stupid, stubborn, and spineless to cut the string afterwards. And of course I continue to do so. Like, all the fucking time now. Ugh, why do you even put up with me? I guess that's the real question, isn't it? Why haven't you pushed me out entirely? Why did you ever let me get so close? I can't answer it. Not really. And it gnaws at me. My feelings tell me one thing, but how can I trust them? My insecurity tells me another, but it makes even less sense than what my feelings say. The true answer is on the other side of your wall, and even guessing at it stresses me out, spins up my obsession. I can only guess. And of course my guess is foolish, and false. But it is this: that maybe the broken boy in my heart speaks to the terrified little girl in yours. That all of the above is insecure bullshit, and that we connect with eachother on a level, with a depth, that's worth fighting for. That there's been something there since the first time I made you laugh, and there will be until life or death part us with finality. And whatever it is, maybe it's worth rolling the dice for, even with everything on the table. I'm game to run when the sign says don't walk if you are.

#Loveletters #romance #writing #Ihopeyouliketext #heartbreak #self-loathing #insecurity #excusesexcusesexcuses

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

Italy: You love pasta You tend to be a bit annoying People say that you are childish You are lovable You can’t drive You love good food You tend to pop up in the weirdest places You were once separated from your family You have German friends You don’t take things seriously You have a famous grandfather You have brother(s) People fought over you You can cook You can draw 5/15

Germany: You are serious You get annoyed easily You have a deep voice You only have a few friends You love sausage You are hardworking You are strong You are sometimes mean to your friends You are good at shutting people up You are/were feared You are strict You are bad at being social You hate unrealistic ideas You know annoying Italians You love dogs 9/15

Japan: You are polite You work hard You are observant You are focused You love anime You are sometimes forced into things You need your personal space You sometimes go into “Culture shock” You are reclusive You like to be alone You are older then you look You are quiet You have your own way of doing things You sometimes like to copy people’s ideas You hate strange cakes 10/15

America: You are a natural leader You order strange things off the internet You love baseball You are independent You fought with your brother/sister before You love junk food You can’t stand being bossed around You are modernized Your personality is sometimes too much for people to handle You love big cities You think you are so awesome You are obsessed with aliens You are obsessed with heroes You are energetic You are headstrong 6/15

England: You are irritable You are a former punk You have imaginary friends You are sharp-tonged A creepy guy wants to marry you You love magic You eat scones You have an accent that everyone loves You make pots and pans explode when you cook You have a lot of siblings You were once beat by your younger brother You have an interesting past People call you by two different names You had trouble making friends when you were young 5/15

France: You are care-free You are romantic You are good at getting people’s attention You get beat up a lot You are an older brother or sister People are sometimes creeped out by you You love someone who doesn’t love you back You have a weird laugh You love roses You are flashy You wear the wrong things at the wrong times You love pretty things You have awesome hair You tend to get too close to people You think you can win but always end up losing 3/15

Russia: You are REALLY tall You love sunflowers You love vodka You love the winter You can tolerate the cold You are a middle child You have sisters You have a bloody history People fear you even when you do nothing wrong You can sit in cursed chairs and make them go on fire Your friends are scared of you You stalk people while in costume You become depressed when your siblings are around You have a kind face You abuse people physically and emotionally 2/15

China: You are the oldest in your group of friends You are an older sibling You love Hello Kitty You love dragons People force you to cook for them Pandas are awesome You do not like the people who live near you Fighting with pots and pans is way better than a gun Your younger brother is more popular then you You have an Asian accent You are picky when it comes to food You are wise You carry around your pet You try to impress people with your food You like to take everything for yourself 4/15

Canada: People often forget about you People often confuse you with someone else Everyone forgets that you are there You love maple syrup Pancakes are the best You stink at baseball You are good at hockey You are bad at getting people’s attention No one listens to you You have a soft voice You look like your brother/sister Polar bears are cool Cold weather isn’t that bad You are horrible at solving problems You can be a coward 0/15

You are: Japan.

○● B R I T I S H ○● You drink a lot of tea. Foggy weather is great. Deal or No Deal has taken over your life. You wanted Ben to win xFactor. You use the word “bugger” or the phrase “bloody hell.” Fish and Chips are yummy. You can eat a Full English Breakfast. You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs. It’s football… not soccer. Total: 4

○● A U S T R A L I A N ○● You wear flip flops all year. You call flip flops “thongs”, not flip flops. You love a backyard Barbie. You know a Barbie is not a doll. You love the beach. Sometimes you swear without realizing. You’re a sports fanatic. You are tanned. You’re a bit of a bogan. You have an Australian something. Total: 5

○● I T A L I A N ○● The Sopranos is a great show. Your last name ends in a vowel. Your grandmother makes her own sauces. You know how a real meatball tastes. You know Italian songs. You have dark hair and dark eye color. You speak some Italian. You are under 5'10". You know what an Italian horn is. Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world! You talk a lot with your hands. Total: 5

○● S P A N I S H ○● You say member instead of Remember. You speak Spanish or some. You like tacos. YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr. You are dark skinned. You know what a Puta is. You talk fast occasionally. You have had highlights or have dyed your hair. You know what platanos are. Total: 3

○● R U S S I A N ○● You say villain as: Vee-lon. You get short tempered. You know of somebody named Natasha. You get cold easily. Rain is fun for you. You get into contests all the time. You can easily make do with the cold weather. Total: 3

○● I R I S H ○● You think beer is the best. You have a bad temper. Your last name starts with a Mc, Murphy, O’, Fitz or ends with a ley, on, un, an, in, ry, ly, y or L. You have blue or green eyes. You like the colour green. You have been to a St. Patty’s day party. You have a family member from Ireland. You have red hair. You have/had freckles. Your family get together always includes drinking and singing. Total: 2

○● A F R I C A N- A M E R I C A N ○● You say nigganukka casually. You have nappy hair. You like rap. You know how to shoot a gun. You think President George Walker Bush is racist. You like fried chicken. You like watermelon. You can dance. You can sing gospel. Total: 2

○● A S I A N ○● You have slanty small eyes. You like rice a lot. You are good at math. You play an instrument. You have family from Asia. You laugh sometimes covering your mouth. Most people think you’re Chinese. You call hurricanes typhoons. You go to Baulko. Total: 4

○● G E R M A N ○● You like bread. You eat a lot of potatoes You think German Chocolate is good. You speak some German. You know what Schnitzel is. You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi You went to Pre-school. You’re over 5'2". Total: 3

○● C A N A D I A N ○● You like/play/played hockey. You love beer. You say eh. You know what poutine is. You speak some French. You love Tim Horton’s. At one point you lived in a farm house You watch/watched Degrassi. Total: 2

○● A M E R I C A N ○● You hate foreigners. You hate non-Christians. You’re lazy. You ate a burger You have big ego You don’t read. You think this survey is rather biased. Total: 1

○● B E L G I A N ○● You grow some small vegetables in the yard. You like french fries. You think Belgian chocolate rules. You know that the official best beer in the world’ is Belgian. You speak both Dutch and French. You like Belgian waffles. You call a pub or bar a café. You fully realize and acknowledge that your football team sucks. You drive/own a French or German car. You have a lot of comments on your government. Total: 3

○● D U T C H ○● You like the colour orange. You are a football enthusiast. You often go to ‘coffee shops’. You know what is meant by ‘coffee shops’. You tend to overreact and show your emotions. You have a cheerful nature. You like the sea. You are good at building handiwork projects. You tend to favour the megalomania. Total: 5

○● A R A B ○● You are a patriot. You say “3ngleezy” instead of “english”. You laugh at other accents You beckon at things with you forehead or eyes. You like seafood, especially fish, more than any other type of food. You are tanned. You have black hair. Your last name starts with “ Al ” or “ bin ” You like showing off, especially with new cars and clothes. You dislike reading. Total: 3

You are: Australian, Italian, Dutch (lol)

Bolden your current money-making facts applying to you now, italicize skills you can work on and become great in the future! Add propositions in red.

Attitude I desire more money, I can always have more I am broke, let’s do something about it I am broke because of bulimia/reckless spending I don’t have rich parents/own savings to risk setbacks or moving to bigger city. I need to be careful. I don’t have overprotective parents setting me back with negative autosuggestions or frown upon my choices. They give me free hand. I am able to write down specific sum I desire I am able to draw checkpoints on timeline with sums I desire to earn I spend at least 10 minutes a day daydreaming about my identity, and this fantasy includes money I believe in sharing, charities, and that being rich will make me a better friend/wife/mother/etc. 10-100 bucks a week more would be cool, not a hassle that changes nothing. True vision requires believing in it, motivation coming from pleasure, and boss knowing the market and what the’re heading up towards. I don’t just talk- I follow up! Few weeks with no passive earnings would not make me back off- I believe in you, equity!

Character I am more creative than judgemental I did MBTI test (if yes, write your type and whether you read what jobs suit you) - INFP I believe in respectful teamwork, not in killing others in competition I would never cheat on my boss for my own benefit I would take informal job from a friend I’m willing to make connections and surround myself with the talented with perspectives I am punctual, submit work on time I log in to computer often, have my work routines and don’t make others wait in uncertainty in group projects I am optimist/realist/pessimist I can be a leader, and follow leaders

Skills I can make catchy, great-looking, neat CV People told me I look like a model I’m an excellent cook and walk with grace I can dance and teach zumba I am good in business AND literature AND arts AND have plenty of own stories/biographies. My job has fabulous growth prospects in the future I am video games addict Excellent salesperson, very convincing daredevil Having knowledge about stocks and bonds Beauty routines and shops I’d hang out anyway, even if it’s job I am patient with kids, and have good academic records- I taught classmates I could teach a language online. Is it Spanish? I am a native English speaker, and whole of the world would kill to buy a lecture from me! I need grinds from maths to pass, I have anxiety and need sb patient. It takes away my time/sleep. I can play instruments or draw portraits on the street I walk to pass the time, so maybe I could walk dogs or give away leaflets? Specific shorter course to do before university, and I can do this as side job. Nail technician? Assistant? I am great with small kids- look at my sister, pickaboo I’m an A/B student and helped with homeworks! I can do grinds face to face or online! I get along with lonely adults and can be a good friend/advisor/psychologist I have a skill that’d sell well through Internet, often, for small money- eg. on Fiverr I am good in STEM field or I made sure my degree will earn me good $$ Having a place to rent to others I have another great money-making idea Cleaning is my coping mechanism

Setbacks I lack time for extra work. Questionnaires or blogging takes so much time. My physical health sets me back from work My mental health sets me back from work I can’t concentrate on work, have bad memory or I have problems with balance Earning small passive income while doing nothing? Sign me in, NOW, for god’s sake! I would NOT be reluctant to take non-standard job. I see it as opportunity if partner is transparent, not as danger. I was fired from job for misconduct and it was people-related not skill-related I’m back to IP soon Being underage (<18) sets me back from work.

Darker side I have scammed somebody before, online I have scammed somebody before, in real life I can do programming and hacking I once rescued/reported somebody from getting scammed/robbed I am suspicious I would make an exceptional a sugar baby I have what it takes to be a true stripper I am a kind camgirl/chatgirl, in adult site or platonic way, with strangers I am adult entertainer or anything related to harder stuff, I consider myself a worthy contact from darker side I subrented a place, not telling the landlord I am sneaky and smart I did a favour (non-sexual) to a friend for money I asked for a favour for money I run my own business- lemonade, anything I’m searching for partner for cooperation and I believe in my idea, online I’m searching for partner for cooperation and I believe in my idea, offline If someone searched for partner, was honest and [FILL IN] and [FILL IN], I’d jump on earning wagoon! Intermediary charging fees sounds good if I am one Earning a lot rarely fast gives me higher high than tedious low-paying job Earning a lot fast gives me higher high than chocolate or favourite food

Trivia I had bisexual romance at work Or I’d fancy it Once I fancied my boss/teacher I don’t want to work, I want to be lazy and let money come to me themselves. Mum? Dad? Love you two! I’ll get slim and marry into riches I don’t want to marry into riches, but I understand people wanting so I prefer ‘Johny Johny yes papa’ chill kind of co-worker to business-like serious Why isn’t professional cuddling a thing?? Hire me! I would hate to become a test subject. I sold half of my soul for a pizza or movie season. I’m half dead inside. There is sth I am talented at, but I have no idea how to turn it into cash. What?

JANUARY BABY

Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

FEBRUARY BABY

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH BABY

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

APRIL BABY

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.

MAY BABY

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.

JUNE BABY

You’ve got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you’ve got the looks for it!!!

JULY BABY

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST BABY

Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an “every thing’s peachy” attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of “that someone”. Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by “no pain no gain” caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. “charming” or “beautiful” to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

SEPTEMBER BABY

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

OCTOBER BABY

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

NOVEMBER BABY

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

DECEMBER BABY

This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible… Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

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