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rushingheadlong · 3 years

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God (Dream Is Over) Meta Post

Okay, I’ve been saying for literally months now that I was going to make a meta post about Brian’s cover of the John Lennon song “God” (though Brian’s version is usually called “Dream Is Over”) and I finally sat down and did it.

If you’re new to my ramblings, this is Very Long and there’s no tldr, and I’m only a little bit sorry for that. I also didn’t bother tracking down specific citations or quotes for things Brian has said about what the early 90s were like for him because I think most of that is common knowledge at this point anyway.

There’s a TW on this for discussions of Brian’s mental health issues in the early 90s and Freddie’s death. That should be obvious if you’ve heard the song, but if you haven’t listened to it before consider this your warning that there are sad feels ahead.

One final note before we dive in: I’m going to talk a lot in here about the “end of Queen” and I want to be clear that I don’t think the band in any way “died” or ended with Freddie. However in the years immediately following Freddie’s death Brian very much felt that the band was over and this is a sentiment that he, Roger, and John all maintained at least up until the mid-2000s and the start of the collaboration with Paul Rodgers.

So there’s a lot of mentions of “the end of Queen” coming up ahead, and please know that this is only a reflection on Brian’s feelings in the early 90s and not his feelings today (which are clearly different, and it’s absolutely his right to change his mind on this) and certainly not my own opinion on the matter.

Background Information

The original song “God” was written by John Lennon and was released on his first post-Beatles solo album. There’s a wikipedia article on the song <here> and you can listen to it <here> but the short summary of it is that it’s rejection of God and various religions/belief systems, ending with Lennon saying that he only believes in himself and Yoko Ono and distancing himself from who he was with the Beatles.

Brian’s version of the song is less of a cover and more of a total rewrite, if we’re being honest here. There’s two videos of him performing the song: the first is from a New Haven show in October 1993 and the second is from a Milwaukee show also in October 1993. (If the Milwaukee link doesn’t take you to the correct spot in the video, the song appears around 1:33:22 into it.)

AFAIK these are the only two performances of these songs currently out there, unless/until more of the old bootlegs are re-uploaded. The song was exclusively played on Brian’s Back to the Light tour at the beginning of his encore. However due to the set-up of the tour he didn’t always play an encore, so the song doesn’t appear to have been performed very often. Additionally, while Brian played the song at his Live at the Brixton Academy concert it was cut from the album and video release due to copyright issues so there’s no official recording of it.

Brian’s Lyrics and Music

The dream is over, what can I say The dream is over, yesterday We were the fab ones, but now it is gone I was the gentle one, but now I must be strong And so dear friends we'll just have to carry on The dream is over

The dream is over, no matter what they say The dream is over, it has to be this way We played in springtime, but now I play in fall We made the bigtime, but now we are small And our dear friend let's just hope he still has it all The dream is over

I don't believe in magic I don't believe in pain* I don't believe in heroes I don't believe in fame I don't believe the newsprint I don't believe we're free I don't believe in pressure ‘cause I don't believe we're right I don't believe in torture I don't believe in fight I don't believe in color I don't believe in white** I don't believe in history I don't believe in being Queen any more I just believe in me Just you guys and me And these guys and me*** And that's reality

The dream is over Dream on

Some quick notes on the lyrics:

*I’ve seen this line written to end with either “pain” or “games” and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure which one it is. I personally don’t hear the “s” at the end of “games” and lean towards it being “pain”, which is how I’ve interpreted it for this post, but I’ll openly admit that I could be wrong on this point.

**Similarly, I’ve seen this line written to end with “whites” in the plural but again I don’t hear Brian singing an “s” at the end of the word and I’m pretty sure it’s in the singular.

**Occasionally this line and the one before are reversed in written transcriptions of the lyrics, and in the New Haven video it’s hard to hear the “and these guys” line at all. It’s much clearer in the Milwaukee video and you can see him motion to the band better, so the correct order of the lyrics would be “you guys” [the audience] first and then “these guys” [his band] second.

If you listen to Lennon’s original song, the only lyrics that are really the same are, The dream is over, what can I say / The dream is over, yesterday as well as And so dear friends we'll just have to carry on / The dream is over although Brian changes Lennon’s “you just have to carry on” to “we’ll just have to carry on” - more on this later.

Brian also completely rearranges the song. He scraps Lennon’s opening section entirely, turns the final section into his first verse and extends it into two verses instead of just one, changes the song from being largely a piano piece into being guitar-driven and, in typical Brian May fashion, makes it go a bit heavier towards the middle. You can read the lyrics to Lennon’s song <here> to get a clearer idea of the changes that Brian made in his version.

Background Meta

The first thing to point out is that it makes a lot of sense for Brian to look to John Lennon as a source for this song. Besides the fact that he’s always said that Lennon is a huge musical inspiration for him, the parallels between when the original song was written and the state of Brian’s music career in the early 90s are pretty obvious. Although the circumstances of why Brian was launching his solo career are obviously different than what happened with the Beatles and Lennon, he was still striking out on his own and separating himself from the group that had defined his music up until that point.

It also makes a lot of sense for Brian to use someone else’s music to express his emotions during this time, even if he ultimately rewrote Lennon’s lyrics almost entirely. Brian has said that he always wrote his Queen music knowing that Freddie, specifically, would be singing it, and up until this point he has always been writing music with other people - neither of which were things that were possible with Brian’s new solo career. There’s also some evidence that Brian may have struggled to come up with enough original music on his own to fill his first solo album, since he rounded out the album with a cover song (Rollin’ Over) and added lyrics to two pieces of music written by Cozy Powell (Resurrection and Nothin’ But Blue).

And there's the added fact that Brian was dealing with mental health issues during the late 80s/early 90s, including depression that was so severe that he basically couldn’t function for days at a time. Brian has talked about being so depressed that he couldn’t get out of bed, that he became incredibly suicidal, and, relevant to this discussion, that he lost all ability to write new music for long stretches of time. Given that, it makes a lot of sense that Brian would turn to someone else’s music to help him express the feelings that he wanted to get out.

Finally, there’s the question of why did Brian felt the need to perform this song at all, and I think there’s two reasons for that.

The first is the obvious explanation that it was performed simply to give Brian an outlet for his emotions. Brian has said that his Back to the Light tour functioned as a sort of therapy for him, and even going back to the very beginning of Queen Brian has used his music as a way to express himself and his feelings (think about songs like “Keep Yourself Alive” or “Now I’m Here” as examples). His version of “God (Dream Is Over)” is very much keeping in line with this tendency to use music as a form of therapy.

The second reason is that this song gives Brian a way to distance himself from Queen, which was important to him as he said on multiple points immediately following Freddie’s death that he felt that Queen was over. In later years, he has acknowledged that he really just wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with Queen matters after Freddie died and that he needed to distance himself from the band while he was grieving.

However, despite this, Brian didn’t have enough solo material to fill out an entire concert and since he was best known as being the “lead guitarist of Queen” it only made sense to fill out his shows with Queen songs. (I have an entire meta post about this subject <here>.) Performing this song was a way to acknowledge his history with and what had happened to Queen after a concert of playing their songs, while also reinforcing that in his mind the band was over and he was moving on from that.

Lyric Analysis - Opening Verses

So, let’s get into actually looking at these lyrics now and first off, we have to point out that while Lennon’s song was generally about a rejection of organized belief systems with a small footnote about him leaving the Beatles at the end, Brian’s song doesn’t mention religion at all and is instead almost entirely about the end of Queen. Brian absolutely poured his heart out into every single word of this song, and it’s not subtle at all.

The opening verses are very clearly and pretty explicitly about Freddie’s death and the resulting end of Queen. Apart from the obvious “the dream is over” being a reference to Queen being over, this also gets reinforced with lines such as We were the fab ones, but now it is gone and We made the bigtime, but now we are small.

It’s worth pointing out, though, that unlike in Lennon’s original song where he frames the ending of the Beatles through the changes in himself, Brian frames the ending of Queen around outside forces (i.e. Freddie’s death) and very clearly states that he feels that the band ending is unavoidable despite anyone’s feelings on the matter. (The dream is over, no matter what they say / The dream is over, it has to be this way)

Also unlike in Lennon’s song, Brian isn’t rejecting Queen even if he’s trying to distance himself from them. The band is over, yes, but Brian’s lyrics are rife with we statements - We were the fab ones and We hit the bigtime. Even when he acknowledges that he’s moved on, he’s still remembering the band as a unit and including himself in that history - We played in springtime, but now I play in fall.

And, as I mentioned before, there’s the very stark change from Lennon’s You just have to carry on into Brian’s we’ll just have to carry on. Brian doesn’t see himself as leaving a thriving band to “carry on” without him because, in his mind, Queen has already “died” and all of them need to move on with their lives.

I also want to acknowledge the lyric And our dear friend, let’s just hope he still has it all. This comes in the second verse, which Brian added to his version (Lennon only had one of these verses in the original song). Obviously it’s a callback to the And so dear friends from the first verse, but it says a lot about Brian’s state of mind and how Freddie was still at the forefront of his thoughts that he added an entire second verse to really hammer home the demise of Queen and then ends it with a bittersweet reflection that he hopes Freddie “still has it all” even after his death.

Finally, there’s the lyric, I was the gentle one, but now I must be strong which I think is a really interesting moment of self-reflection from Brian. When compared against the “chaos twins” of Roger and Freddie, and even John who got up to some wild shenanigans himself, it’s easy to see why Brian might characterize himself as the quiet and gentle one in the band (and he has been described as a sort of “gentle giant” by others around Queen over the years).

However it’s the second half of that that’s really striking, because it really shows the position that Brian was in following Freddie’s death where he (and Roger, and presumably also John though John stayed away from interviewers more) felt that he needed to stand up for Freddie’s legacy and needed to be “strong” in the face of everything that was said about Freddie and his final years. And, of course, given that he was extremely depressed and suicidal at the time, it’s also worth mentioning that he was being “strong” simply by continuing to live and move forward with his life even when he didn’t want to.

Lyric Analysis - Rejection Statements

Like I mentioned back at the beginning of this post, Lennon’s original song lyrics take the rough format of 1. Criticizing God as a concept 2. Rejecting various religions and belief systems 3. Affirming his belief in himself and Yoko Ono 4. Rejecting who he was with the Beatles. As we discussed in the last section, Brian’s song cuts out the religion entirely and he instead starts by confirming and discussing the end of Queen.

Following this, though, he returns to Lennon’s original structure with his own "I don’t believe in...” lyrics. His are completely different to Lennon’s, however just like Lennon’s rejections followed on from his opening statements about God I think Brian’s rejections follow from his open statements about Queen and continue to be largely about the band (while also allowing for broader societal interpretations, as many of Brian’s lyrics are designed to have several layers to them).

For the purposes of this post, though, we’re only going to talk about how these lyrics relate to Freddie, Queen in general, and Brian’s own mental health at the time.

I don’t believe in magic / I don’t believe in pain / I don’t believe in heroes / I don’t believe in fame are the four that I really feel are about Freddie. The first two I think are about his death. After seeing Freddie die in the way he did, Brian is stating that he doesn’t believe in magic (because there was no magic cure to save Freddie) and he doesn’t believe in pain (possibly that he doesn’t believe in prolonging someone’s pain, or that he doesn’t understand a world that allows for human suffering more broadly).

The next two lines I feel are Brian reflecting on how meaningless it is to be famous or to be someone’s “hero”. I think part of this is Brian mourning the loss of Freddie and trying to distance himself from what Freddie meant to him in order to distance himself from the grief he feels (because Brian absolutely considered Freddie his hero, as proven by his original plan for his second solo album). And paired with this is Brian’s criticism of “fame” as a concept, because being famous didn’t save Freddie either and, in fact, being hounded by the press only made his final months more difficult than they already were.

This leads into the next line, I don’t believe the newsprint, which is clearly a criticism of the lies the press printed (and were still printing) about Freddie. But the phrasing of this as “newsprint” also hearkens back to the music video for Scandal, and serves as a reminder that the press had been uncharitable towards all of them through the late 80s and early 90s.

The next line, I don’t believe we’re free may also be referring to Queen specifically (in addition to the broader societal implications). Given that Brian littered his open verses with “we” statements, he could be talking about how they still aren’t “free” from the press even though it’s been nearly two years since Freddie’s death or how they aren’t “free” from the shadow of Queen’s legacy.

Personally, the lyrics I don’t believe in pressure / ‘cause I don’t believe we’re right also make me think of Queen and I do wonder if the use of “pressure” is supposed to be an oblique reference to Under Pressure. Even if it’s not, the “pressure” he could be talking about may be the pressure to return and deal with his Queen obligations, including helping with Made In Heaven, which Brian wasn’t ready to do at this point.

The lyrics I don’t believe in color / I don’t believe in white I don’t think are entirely about race, especially since like I said before I don’t think he’s singing “whites” with an “s” to make it a noun. Personally, I can see this as another commentary on Brian’s mental state at the time and the dark depression he felt that left him feeling like he was living in a bleak and colorless world. (Even if Brian is singing “whites” though, given how his lyrics often have multiple layers of meaning I don’t think this excludes an interpretation of this with regards to his mental health even if it makes the race message more overt.)

The I don’t believe in fight line is another one that I think is about Brian’s depression. Although it certainly connects with the “torture” in the line before, he doesn’t say that he doesn’t believe in war or conflict just that he doesn’t believe in fighting, a sentiment that carries a very different meaning for a man who was depressed to the point of being suicidal.

Going back to the Queen references one more time, we get the one absolutely direct Queen lyric at the very end: I don’t believe in being Queen any more, I just believe in me. As I explained before, Brian is very firmly stating that he believes that Queen is over and he’s moved on from the band. Although these lyrics mirror Lennon’s I do think that there’s some truth to Brian’s statement of I just believe in me. He had some minor conflicts with at least Roger in the early 90s (both of them said uncharitable things about each other’s work outside Queen) and since Brian had walked away from helping them with the Made In Heaven tapes I do think that Brian felt that he was at least somewhat truly alone now.

Even the next line, Just you guys and me is very different from Lennon believing in himself and Yoko Ono. Brian doesn’t tie himself to a relationship, he ties himself to his audience - and, more importantly, he adds an extra line tying himself to his band as well. While I think part of this serves as a general final acknowledgement of the Brian May Band after the larger band introductions earlier in the show, I also think this is Brian’s way of acknowledging that he’s been able to move forward because he has the support of people like Cozy, Spike, Neil, Jamie, etc. even if he doesn’t feel that he has Queen in his corner anymore.

Finally, Brian ends his song by repeating The dream is over one last time but he also adds, Dream on which isn’t in the original Lennon song. Even though Brian has acknowledged Freddie’s death and the end of the Queen dream, his final message is to keep dreaming anyway. It’s possible that he means this as the dream of his solo career, or to keep the dream of Queen’s music alive even after the end of the band… but it’s also possible that he means this as a much more literal dream, since Brian has talked a few times about having dreams of Freddie following his death, and of waking up and just wanting to go back to dreaming of his friend.

Given the ambiguity of the earlier lyric And our dear friend, let’s just hope he still has it all this may be another moment of heartache from Brian who wants to keep “dream[ing] on” about his lost friend because that’s the last connection that he has to Freddie.

And with that, the song ends, and Brian launches into the rest of his encore and the final song of the show with “Hammer to Fall”... but a discussion about that particular song choice is, I think, a meta post for another day.

#brian may #text #ramblings #brian #long post //#no one asked for this but you get it anyway so !! here it is !! 3k of niche and sad ramblings about Brian May in the early 90s !!!!

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idea-garden · 5 years

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oneshot #8 - when you’re tired of breaking other hearts

Minseok/OC

Written by @idea-garden

Requested by several anons

SMUT / 18+ / cheating / angst / violence? / dirty talk /

3,811 words

Minseok is a cheater. How will SooRi deal with this?

If you like this like it, reblog it, and follow me!

This is trash.

ALL PROMPTS | SMUT PROMPTS | RULES | ASK | MY WRITING

‘I hope you’re gonna wear something sexy for me…’

Choi SooRi eyes scanned the message multiple times with a wide grin.

Kim Minseok.

They weren’t really a thing, but SooRi would make time in her busy schedule for Minseok to stop by and blow her back out or rearrange her guts.

This weekend would be no different. SooRi had a long-standing event marked on her calendar. Her friend’s, Jung Jessi, birthday was this weekend. She was very excited to have something fun to do for the first time in a while. So excited, in fact, she decided to arrive a day early. It was also a chance for a mini-escape. Jessi decided to have a smaller get together at their family’s lake house.

SooRi packed up her car with a large overnight bag and a neatly-wrapped gift. She couldn’t keep the smile from spreading over her face as her phone vibrated. She already knew who it was.

‘Keeping me in suspense, huh? Am I going to have to spank you for that?’

‘Keep feeding yourself these delusions…,’ she punched back quickly.

The ride was a comfortable one. Sure, it was a touch on the lonely side, being in her car for a two hour drive. However, she made it fun between blasting hits from the 2000s and fielding phone calls from friends and family.

She sighed with relief as one of the signs she passed was the actual location of the party. SooRi made record driving time simply by packing her purse full of snacks and limiting fluids.

Her eyes widened in awe of the gorgeous scenery. The trees were tall and full, the lake was a radiant, clear shade of blue, and the lake house was an imposing structure. She wouldn’t have minded living there as her full-time residence. It was beautiful, isolated, and situated in a cute little town outside the major metropolitan areas.

She hopped out of the car and pulled her bags over her shoulder, gingerly carrying the birthday gift. SooRi bought Jessi the latest model Keurig, since she could never seem to stop fawning over hers.

The holographically-wrapped present must’ve attracted the attention of her host, as the young person ran out to greet her before SooRi’s feet could firmly plant themselves anywhere near the doorstep.

“SooRi! I’m so happy you’re here! Here, let me help you with these!” Jessi reached out for the bags, tempted to only stop at the gift.

“Thanks,” SooRi followed the younger woman inside. “This place is nice. How come this is the first time you’ve invited me out here?”

“This is the first time I’ve been allowed visitors that weren’t blood relatives. You know how my parents are...a mess.”

“I’ve heard,” SooRi couldn’t help snorting a laugh.

“Yeah, they mean well. Enough about them! You’re the first one here, which means you get first pick of the rooms!”

The pair ran upstairs inspecting the best rooms in the house. SooRi settled on what she figured was usually Jessi’s room, an overwhelming space that was just barely smaller than the master bedroom.

“I can’t believe Junmyeon didn’t get here before me.” SooRi plopped down on the neat bed with her bags.

“You did. Take a victory lap, champ. Junmyeon wanted to make a trip out of it. He’s gonna get here later with Jongin, Kyungsoo, and Minseok. I don’t think you’ve met him before.”

SooRi’s mouth dried, but she quickly righted herself, before her keen friend noticed her change in demeanor. “Kyungsoo?”

“No! I know you know Kyungsoo, silly! I was talking about Minseok.”

“The name sounds familiar.” ‘Very familiar. In fact, I think I’ve screamed it a few times.’

“He was at Baekhyun’s new year’s party, this year. Maybe, you met him there and forgot?”

That was where it all started for SooRi.

Minseok was a suave bastard that knew all the right things to say to get in her pants. Kim Minseok had full lips that spewed shit, but tasted like candy. He was the complete opposite of what SooRi had in her mind a med student should be. He was a frat boy in grad school, essentially. She on the other hand was a much more stable individual, working on a master's, and not getting blackout drunk every weekend.

Nothing seemed to matter when they were together. They made each other feel good. Besides, Minseok claimed their hookups helped him revise his anatomy notes.

She figured that was a load of bullshit, but with a passion for education, she was happy to do her part in preparing the country's next generation of physicians.

The time passed quickly as the two women made a few last-minute adjustments to prepare for the deluge of guests that were to descend on the cabin soon.

SooRi could only hope she was being discreet as she messaged Minseok back and forth, smirking wildly at his every response.

Early the next morning, SooRi was jolted out of her sleep by the sound of a honking SUV and four, rowdy boys. Irritated, she laid in bed with her eyes closed, refusing to move a single muscle in the hopes she could resume her rest. It wasn’t until she could hear her friend greeting her boyfriend emphatically that SooRi’s heart began to race.

‘Oh god. He’s here. Now?! I’m not even lucid, yet.’

She bolted out of bed, zipping around to the bathroom. SooRi became more frantic as she heard the group ascend the stairs. She snatched the scarf from her hair, pulling her wild curls into neat spirals that framed her round face.

There wasn’t much she could do to her oversized tank top and sleep shorts before Minseok neared her door. She could hear her friend directing each man to their room.

"Who's in here?" SooRi swore she could feel him smirking as he spoke.

"Oh, SooRi! You'll meet her later, she's great."

"Oh, I bet." The low growl in his voice made goosebumps come over her skin and her cheeks flush.

The shuffling of feet and doors closing brought her heart rate down to a fairly normal range. She had avoided potentially resembling a homeless beggar, that was three years deep in a heroin addiction.

The day drug itself at a devastating crawl. SooRi and Minseok had to pretend they'd only just met, while casually eye-fucking across the room. More and more people entered the space, walls seeming to close in a little more as each person joined. By night, everyone sat around in the den, music lowering as Junmyeon and SooRi brought out Jessi's birthday cake.

The pair started the traditional 'Happy Birthday' and soon the rest of the guests joined in on the song. Junmyeon punctuated his elation with a quick peck on the cheek, urging her to blow out the candles and make a wish.

Minseok slithered behind SooRi as she stood back viewing the sweet moment.

"If I was the birthday boy, I'd wish for you bent over in front of me and covered in frosting."

"I'll skip the yeast infection, thanks!"

"You should trust me, I'm practically a doctor, after all."

Minseok couldn't help the deep chuckle he made as she scoffed at him.

"You're probably right, that it's not the best wish. I'd be sorely disappointed that my cake wouldn't taste nearly as delicious as you."

SooRi's eyes scanned him and the immediately vicinity. Trained to the floor, she looked behind Minseok.

"What are you looking for, babe?" She chewed the inside of her lip to keep from grinning. She couldn't help how much she liked it when he would use any affectionate term for her--no matter how small.

"Just checking for any secretion on the floor. It’s amazing how you don't leave a trail, to be so greasy, Minseok. It's impressive."

"How about we sneak off to your room for a minute, and I can give you much more to be impressed about?"

Her thighs clenched tightly, while her mouth dried. She tried to respond, but a hoarse croak met his ears before she could get her bearings.

"You know, you're lucky you're cute," SooRi winked at him before turning on her heels and heading towards her room.

'Am I a joke or just desperate?' The thought crossed her mind for only a second, when a gust of Minseok's cologne hit her nostrils.

He smelled great. If there were pheromones in the air, they definitely belonged to him, and he was purposely trying to fuck her up.

The pair burst through the room as an awkward unit of twisting limbs.

Minseok’s cool hands slid up her smooth back to lift her crop top up, both of their arms stuck in the fabric as they continued to kiss. The fiery kisses ceased for a moment just long enough for him to strip her out of the top and her flowing, palazzo pants.

He lifted SooRi in his arms and she took no time to wrap her legs around his tall body. They made it to the bed and he dropped her gently on her back.

His nimble fingers flicked her clit a few times, his smile growing wider as she became more desperate for him.

“Looks like you’ve been ready for this, huh?” His head dropped to her chest, tongue peeking out to swipe her nipples, fingers still dancing between her folds.

“Fuck me already,” she smirked at him through hooded eyes.

“Ask nicely, my sweet.”

Minseok pulled her nipples gently through his teeth, before kissing a path up to her neck.

“Minseok, can you please take your dick out and fuck me?” SooRi stated with clenched teeth.

“Better, but not great. We’ll work on it,” he winked, but followed her command.

He unbuckled his jeans and dropped them just low enough to reveal himself. His large hands ran over SooRi’s smooth thighs, pulling them apart.

Minseok cut his eyes over her, biting his lip at the sight. His lowered his head, tongue darting out to brush over her clit. He stiffened at her needy little whimpers and he lapped at her sensitive nub.

He wanted to bury his tongue inside her, but liked the fact that she was much more assertive than usual. He took pity on her squirming body and decided to give in. Minseok lined himself up with her entrance and eased his length inside her.

She winced at the foreign feeling. It’d been too long since they’d last been intimate. He was always so busy with something.

Her moans were breathy and hoarse, but uniquely her. Minseok grunted already ready to fill her with his baby gravy. SooRi felt amazing latched around him. His hips snapped at a faster pace, becoming more brutal as her moans grew louder.

“That’s it, baby,” a thin film of sweat covered his forehead.

His nails dug firmly into her thighs, becoming rougher and losing self-control. SooRi lifted her legs, pulling her knees to her chest, opening herself even more to Minseok. He pawed at her breasts, rolling her nipples between his fingers.

The room was stuffy with the heat of their bodies bucking wildly. His release crept up, bubbling at the base of his abs.

SooRi gasped with excitement as Minseok’s hand closed around her throat. His grip grew firmer with his need to orgasm.

She grinned as he hissed when she drug her nails over his chest. “I’m close, Minseok.”

He was thankful for that. Her tight, wet heat was about to milk him for everything he was worth.

“Cum for me, baby. Cream on my dick.”

SooRi winced and contorted her expressions as the wave of pleasure flooded her body. Her manicured fingers wrapped around the muscular arm holding her throat. Her body shook with primal convulsions. There was nothing left, Minseok had taken it all.

In succession, Minseok stumbled backwards slightly and exploded over her thighs. The stream of fluid practically leapt out to the rhythm of the music blasting downstairs. SooRi continued to twist as he drained himself over her.

“Damn, I’ve missed you.” They spoke in unison.

Minseok took a seat beside SooRi, pulling her close, for what felt like an eternity before they cleaned themselves.

The pair traveled back to the rest of the party. Minseok had his hand at the small of SooRi's back, holding her closely as if she were his. She smiled up at him and he returned with a brighter one.

They looked off to the guests dancing and chatting with each other, choosing to stay off to the side with each other.

Minseok tucked a piece of hair behind SooRi's ear as she discussed her plans for the future. Her cheeks grew pink and his touch sent her heart aflutter. Their conversation grew deeper, soon the surroundings weren't even noticeable.

A surprised shriek brought their attention to the source. The door opened and the color drained from Minseok's face.

He took a healthy step away from SooRi and eased into the most awkward, hostage situation smile you'd ever see.

The host enveloped a smiling woman, greeting her enthusiastically, showing her around and introducing her to other guests. SooRi looked in her direction, but didn't think much of it. She paced closer to Minseok as he remained preoccupied with the whereabouts of the newcomer.

As if he felt her body felt encroaching on his personal space, he inched away.

'Well, fuck me, I guess.'

The stranger made it around to SooRi and Minseok. His eyes shifted like he was a bank teller that was the inside man for a bank robbery.

"Hey, babe."

SooRi could've been cast in a remake of The Exorcist, the way her head turned to hear Minseok more clearly.

"Hyuna, this is one of my friends, SooRi."

Being the hospitable type, she smiled politely to Hyuna and carved Minseok's heart out with her icy stare.

"Nice to meet you. I didn't know Minseok had a sister!"

"He wishes his genetics were this good! I'm his girlfriend," Hyuna was not irritated in the slightest.

"How long have you two been together?"

He had better have just met her in the last ten minutes.

"Hmm... what? About eight months now?"

SooRi was completely gobsmacked. That was around the same time Minseok proposed their friends with benefits relationship. A sinking feeling overcame her. She felt the pit of nausea pool at the base of her stomach.

Sure, they weren’t an item. But, she did have the absolute bare minimum bit of decency to not sleep with someone romantically attached to another person.

Besides, he played her.

Hyuna puffed her cheeks up in curiosity at the growing-distant SooRi.

"Well, it was nice to meet you, SooRi! I want to catch up with the birthday girl for a bit."

Minseok hung back after Hyuna disappeared into the crowd, "You have a lot of nerve, Minseok."

SooRi gave him an icy stare--one that suggested if he wanted to keep his testicles--he should keep it moving.

Minseok had appeared on her screen for days now. Incessantly texting and calling her, SooRi lost respect for the man each time her phone rang. She briefly considered chucking her phone out of the window.

It made her sick how much she actually liked him. She was even more disgusted by the fact that she couldn't see through his bullshit.

Now, here she was watching YouTube videos of proposals in her underwear, while Mary J. Blige, the queen of hip-hop pain, playing in the background.

Feelings? Gross.

Unconditional romantic love? Absolutely fucking disgusting.

Yet, here she was--like a sucker--craving it and so much more.

A dull pounding could be heard past the ruckus of the various sounds. She paused her videos and lowered her music just enough to hear the rustling of whoever was outside of her door.

The beating on her door resumed. She looked around for something to do some damage with, but found nothing. Whoever was outside, might have been getting bum rushed.

She swung open the door, ready to fight.

It was only Minseok.

She tried closing the door as fast as she could manage, all with an audible groan. Unfortunately for her, he wedged his foot in the door before she could get it closed. He squeezed himself into her apartment, but SooRi tried in vain to keep him out.

"I miss you."

"That's all you can say? After everything?"

"I'm sorry. I broke it off with Hyuna. I didn't want to string anyone along...anymore."

"I'm glad you were able to clear your heavy, burdened conscience at everyone's expense."

"I deserve that."

"Really? Because I've been hitting the bag at the gym more, and I think you deserve some of that."

"Then hit me."

"...What?"

"If it means I have a chance of you forgiving me, giving me another chance, not trying to crush my rib cage in your door, I'll do anything."

She raised an eyebrow and circled him suspiciously. Once she was in front of him again, she pushed his shoulder.

He stood like a statue, only returning a weak smile, giving her permission to carry on. SooRi pushed his other shoulder, testing once more to make sure he wouldn't react.

Nothing.

A surge of emotion coursed through her as her hand connected with his cheek. Minseok winced, but did nothing more.

"I hurt you. I can take anything you want to do to me."

SooRi slapped him again, "You don't get to do that. You don't get to say the right things, and make me not want to hurt you."

"Hurt me, SooRi. Make me hurt," Minseok took her hands and brought them to his face again.

Her eyes watered at the action, but she wasn't in a crying mood. She forcibly pulled his body in front of her sofa, and pushed him back until he fell on the plush furniture. She straddled him, crashing her lips into his.

"Fuck you, Minseok."

He grabbed at her body, pulling her in for a more passionate kiss. She tangled her hands in his thick hair, tugging on it to halt his kisses.

"God, you drive me crazy," he muttered against her lips. "You're all I can think about. This whole fucking time I've been trying to get you out of my head and I can't."

His warm hands found the cool skin of her abdomen as he inched her flimsy tank top up. He might not have deserved her, but damn if she didn't want him right now. She released her grip on him to let her shirt slide over her head. He kissed her breasts gently, leaving little bruises over the sensitive orbs.

Minseok kissed her again and SooRi could feel his fingers pushing her panties aside.

"You're so fucking wet, baby. I need to be inside you. I miss the way to pull me in, grip me. How warm and soft you are, writhing around me. Let me in, SooRi."

God damn, he was nasty. SooRi nodded without waiting for him to finish. She needed him just as badly. Working on his jeans took just a matter of seconds; she was pretty used to about every pair he owned anyways.

"God, it's so wet for me...," she brought him out of his sentence mid-thought, stroking his length.

Minseok always turned to putty when she teased him with her hands. He was far too predictable, at least when he was horny. She smirked watching him harden in her hands, but wasted little time once he was at attention. SooRi hovered over his member, while he lapped her wetness off his fingers.

They kissed again as she sank down his shaft. He groaned into her mouth, as her face contorted in pleasure. Her hips rolled involuntarily to get more of him inside her. She'd craved his touch for what felt like a century. Her hands rested on his shoulders, as if she was trying to push him further into the couch.

Her hips met his, slapping together with wild abandon. SooRi's eyes rolled back as her hoarse moans turned into desperate cries. Her thighs burned, the tense muscles pushing through the pain to bring her to her orgasm.

His broad hands let go of her waist to crack down over her ass, chiding her for slowing her speed. But, if Minseok thought he was in charge, he was in for a rude awakening.

SooRi pinned his roaming hands just above his head. She stared deeply into Minseok’s eyes, slowing her movements to a tortuous pace. His mouth dried in awe at the confident woman before him. He’d never realized how hot it was to have someone take control of him--be the dominant one.

He loved it. And if that meant being SooRi’s submissive pet, then so be it.

“Min-- I’m gonna--,” the words were stuck in her throat as the euphoria crashed over her. It felt like her whole body was on fire. As if her howls weren’t boisterous enough, she really made it a point to put on a show for Minseok. Bliss cascaded from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. SooRi could hardly feel that her body was still moving atop Minseok.

She pressed her mouth against his and he opened to her, kissing her hard, both of them pouring all their unspoken words into the physical expression of need and desire. SooRi's entire body shuddered with the impact of the emotion she felt from him and she dropped the hold restraining his hands, wanting nothing more than to fold herself around him and show him that his heart was safe with her.

A moment of frustration crossed his features, before morphing into a pleased smirk. Working herself over his tip, she took deep pleasure in hearing those rare, needy boy moans she loved so much.

“Please, baby,” he said breathlessly.

He cupped her breasts in both his hands, while she bored holes in him with her stare. “I need to bottom out in you.”

“Then, do it.” SooRi shuddered with the chill of excitement at him begging for release.

Minseok wrapped his arms around her body, holding her flush with his chest, pulling her down on his dick. He snapped his hips upwards quickly, completely sheathed inside her with each stroke. Grunting and gritting his teeth, he slammed into her one last time as his thick fluid sprayed her insides.

They heaved sighs of relief as they awkwardly separated themselves to snuggle on the couch. Minseok gently ran his fingers through SooRi’s disheveled hair.

He gnawed on his lip unsure of what to say next. He liked the feeling of being close to her like this. He didn’t want to fuck up any chance he had at having moments like these with her again.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, SooRi.”

She wondered how long she’d get to enjoy the moment before she was harshly slapped back into reality.

“I know.”

ALL PROMPTS | SMUT PROMPTS | RULES | ASK | MY WRITING

#my writing #smut #exo #exo minseok #exo xiumin #xiumin #minseok #kpop #kpop smut #exo smut #exo imagines #kpop imagines

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lineffability · 7 years

Text

In Every Living Thing #5

“In every living thing there is the desire for love.” ~ D. H. Lawrence

Nalu | Sculptor/Greek Myth AU part 5/7 read: all | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | on FF.net words: 2000 rating: T

Yes, it’s been more than a week since I last updated this. Yes, I am both sorry (that it took so long) and proud (that I wrote it at all). Yes, it is an actual update! I can’t believe it either!!

moon ii.

Old romance might have failed, but modern romance surely wouldn’t.

At least that’s what Lucy thought when she signed Natsu up for online dating.

“But Lucy,” Natsu whined, “Do I have to?”

“Absolutely,” Lucy huffed, “The best way to learn about love is to be in love, so that’s what you have to do in order to be able to stay here; I told you. Got that?”

“I guess,” Natsu grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

It had been a month since he had become part of the lonely Heartfilia household, and what he had contributed, mostly, was life. Life and the unexpected, but more frequent company of not only Wendy but also Gajeel, who seemed to slowly but surely grow more accustomed to being more than just the guy who left Wendy at the door and disappeared.

Change had come slowly, and it was still happening, but it had not gone unnoticed.

The fact that Natsu had decided that romance wasn’t for him and he’d rather hang with Lucy and Wendy to play video games and listen to their stories wasn’t exactly helping Lucy’s love mission along. Especially not her new plan of making him fall in love, instead of merely talking about it and continually failing to explain.

“You promised me!”

“Right, right.” Natsu sighed theatrically. “I’ll go and try to love her! But only for you.”

Lucy rolled her eyes, giggling softly. Then she faltered and pursed her lips. Something about his words, and the carefree way in which he said them, touched her in odd places, but then… What was it about them that bothered her? She wasn’t quite sure, but there was an unpleasant feeling in the very back of her stomach, rearing its head, and it sat there quite uncomfortably.

Shaking her head, she looked back at the screen. “Look, this girl is perfect! Good-looking, nice smile, has a proper job… likes reading! Natsu, you’re taking this one.”

“...sounds more like you wanna go yourself.”

She glared at him with pursed lips, producing a dismissive smacking sound. “Trust me, you’ll be going on this date, and if it’s the last thing I do.”

“You’re cruel, Lucy.”

“You’re living under my roof. My rules.”

And however more of his feeble protest he tried to plead to her, there was nothing he could do.

Rarely had an evening ever been this long.

And it had only been an hour since she’d dropped Natsu off. She’d given him some of her own precious money before leaving him in front of her favourite restaurant, where he would meet the date that would hopefully turn out to be the love of his life.

But why could Lucy not find it in her to be happy about this great plan of hers? She sank deeper into the couch, hoping it would swallow her up. She just couldn’t stop thinking of the two.

“Lucy, is something wrong?” Wendy looked at her with large, worried eyes, and Lucy immediately felt guilty. This was Wendy’s time, she shouldn’t waste it away with thoughts about someone else.

“Oh no, I’m fine,” she was quick to deny with a weak laugh.

“She’s not fine,” Gajeel grunted, and both girls turned their heads. “She’s pining like a schoolgirl.”

“I’m not!” Entirely scandalized, Lucy gaped at Gajeel. She was not! The bundle of fur currently sprawled out on her lap raised its head and yawned. Lucy pouted down at the little cat, who began purring.

“See,” Wendy giggled, “Even Happy agrees.”

Lucy puffed her cheeks. When even the cat teamed up against her, maybe she should be giving Gajeel’s words more thought. But she refused stubbornly. What did he know! Did she really have feelings for a guy who wouldn’t know love if it slapped him in the face? No way! Huffing, Lucy rearranged her legs, and Happy jumped off her lap to tip-toe over to Charle’s side. She promptly moved away. Lucy smiled.

If her home had become more lively with Natsu’s appearance, then the cats were just the cherry on top of the cake. Fondly, Lucy recalled the day the four of them -- Wendy, Natsu, her, and even a very grumpy Gajeel -- had went to the local shelter to adopt a cat for Wendy’s birthday. One. Singular. How exactly they wound up with three, she still wasn’t sure.

She should have known that Natsu would be awfully excited inside an animal shelter, but when even Gajeel had wordlessly handed her a large, black cat with only one eye she’d actually considered if she’d ended up in an alternate reality.

The only cat who took up permanent residence was the odd one Natsu had named Happy, and while Lucy had declared the kitten was his responsibility alone, she found herself stealing him from Natsu more often than not. She’d always considered herself more of a dog person, but she had to admit she was entirely smitten with the little thing. But nobody loved Happy more than Natsu…The duo of doom, she’d dubbed them.

Lucy looked at her watch for the hundredth time, caught herself doing so, and grumpily sat on her hand to hide it from view. Really, what was wrong with her?! She was sure everything was going fine. Otherwise he would’ve called her on his emergency phone, she’d made sure of that.

Or what if… everything was fine? Absolutely fine? What if it was going great?

Lucy fidgeted nervously. “So this is a fun movie,” she said a little too loudly, trying to keep her mind from wandering, “”Who do you think she will end up with?”

But her question never was answered.

“Yo, Lucy!”

“Natsu?!” Lucy almost fell off the couch. His entrance was s sudden, for a second she wondered if she’d fallen asleep. “You’re back already?”

Gajeel shot her an incredulous look. As if she hadn’t been checking the time frantically all evening. But Lucy didn’t notice. Her attention was on Natsu.

“Natsu!” Wendy chirped, a large smile on her face, and he smiled back as he peeled himself out of his jacket.

“Was it not good?” she asked, wondering if she sounded too hopeful.

“Oh, yeah, it was nice! But I got bored.”

“Natsu! Don’t tell me you… ditched her?”

“Oh, nah! I invited her along.”

“Wait, what?!”

All blood left Lucy’s face as she forced her gaze away from Natsu and leaned sideways, her terrified eyes landing on a small woman who stood awkwardly in the doorframe. Lucy recognized her face from the dating website.

“Oh my god,” she wailed, “I’m so sorry! My friend, he’s-- well--”

“Oh no no, it’s alright!” the other woman quickly rescued her, waving her hands as they both tried to overplay their embarrassment. “Natsu was actually really nice! It was uh...fun?”

“But we can’t go back to that place because, apparently, I stole food.” Natsu informed Lucy, looking rather annoyed.

“What?!” Lucy felt like evaporating. Why had she ever thought letting Natsu leave the house on his own was a good idea?? “Natsu, that was my favourite restaurant! I can’t believe you stole from them!”

“I didn’t! I just tried some food that wasn’t on my plate… didn’t know that was such a bad thing.”

Helplessly, Lucy fixed her eyes on the unfortunate date, who just shrugged and then -- to Lucy’s amazement -- proceeded to giggle.

“It was kind of funny, you know…” she recalled, holding a hand to her mouth as her laughter became more frequent.

Poor thing, Lucy thought, probably wanting nothing more than to disappear into a hole in the ground. And she was so nice! Really, this Natsu… (But again, there was this part of her that felt oddly relieved to find him back, at home with her.)

Remembering her manners, Lucy scrambled off the couch and strode past Natsu, pointedly ignoring his offended expression, and held out a hand to the woman. “It might be too late for a proper introduction, but hi, I’m Lucy. You must be Levy.”

The words left her lips and immediately Lucy could have slapped herself. Levy’s brows rose, but in amusement rather than affront.

“Checked me out, have you?” she said with a little grin, and Lucy grasped the lifeline and laughed in relief. “It’s okay; this whole blind date thing wasn’t my idea anyways. I figured it’d be a disaster.”

“No offense,” she quickly added, but Natsu just grinned and put an arm around Lucy’s shoulders.

“I knew you’d like her!” he said to Lucy, and then leaned forward towards Levy with a conspiratory air, “I told ya, she would’ve liked to go out with you more than me.”

“Natsu!” Lucy yelped, her entire face turning red. Now everyone was laughing. “I’ll go and make you some tea!” she called towards Levy, already halfway out of the room, and then waved at the empty place beside Gajeel. “Please, take a seat!”

Gajeel, who had been curiously eyeing the newcomer, quickly turned his face in another direction, acknowledging her presence beside him only with a curt nod. His cat, Lily, promptly nudged her leg. It did not escape Gajeel’s attention.

Natsu made himself comfortable on the ground, where Lucy joined him after she’d brought in a big jug of camomile tea for the company. Levy fit in surprisingly well, and soon it felt like she was an old acquaintance rather than a spurned blind date. Lucy could have sworn Gajeel was taking a special interest in her, even if he was trying his damn best not to show it.

She grinned to herself, but Natsu was the only one who saw. He leaned in closer, and she became acutely aware of his presence beside her. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing,” Lucy replied quietly, and with a smile, “But maybe you can soon learn more about love from these two.” She chuckled at her own little joke. Natsu turned to look behind him, but was stopped by an elbow to his side. “Don’t!” Lucy warned.

“You’re really weird, you know,” he grumbled, but then suddenly grinned at her. “But it’s more fun that way. The date was okay, but I just wanted to go back home and hang out with you, Lucy.”

Lucy’s heart jolted. Did he even realize the kinds of things he was saying? Did he even realize what his words were doing to her? Oh, this was not good.

She was beginning to realize just why she’d been so nervous all evening. Why her heart was suddenly doing weird things to her when he looked at her with so much fondness in his eyes. Oh, this was not good at all.

This should not be happening. This wasn’t part of her plan!

Carefully, she snuck a glance at Natsu, who seemed absorbed by the movie. But he noticed her look and smiled at her before returning his attention to the screen. Lucy’s chest ached.

It was so like her to fall for a supernatural man without a proper understanding of the most important of human emotions. To him, how could she be anything more than a friend?

She had created him. It was her duty to look after him and to do everything she could to make sure he could stay here in this world, whether he chose to stay with her or not.

Lucy hadn’t expected to feel what she was feeling now.

It would make things so much more complicated.

Biting her lip, she carefully leaned her head against his shoulder. She had done this before, but today her heart skipped a beat, and a part of her disliked it. But then Natsu leaned against her, just slightly, and all her worries went to hell.

Natsu looked down at the top of Lucy’s head with a smile. His right hand was busy cuddling Happy, and his left was trapped between himself and Lucy, but he wouldn’t have moved an inch. He felt content and warm, and more at ease than anywhere else.

If there was one thing Natsu had realized in his time here, it was this: There was nowhere he’d rather be than by Lucy’s side.

#fairy tail #nalu #nalu fanfiction #my writing #ielt

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alsharqawy · 6 years

Video

💫

instagram.com/AstroMouda

⛵

facebook.com/Beloved1s

♀

#Nothing_But_The_Best

♂

💫

Don't ever "hurry to judge ; nor to make any assumptions ;

no matter what"...

Please, I ask you this,

because I (for an example) am "unpredictable" in every way & so is my fate/destiny, as it actually been always, and will continue to be... Therefore, I've learned a lot, to not ever do or think or feel in such a way that made me realize through the experiences that it'd turn the whole fated-specific-situations into an entirely different "mixed-up, foggy" outcome...

💫 May be this is why I've been keeping it all out there, on the table, with all of my cards are being faced-up...

💫

Then I even have brought it with me to that point/level of both:

"Authenticity, Integrity, Honesty and Being-truly"

"Letting-it-all-go

and

Creating-anew"

🌟

"by the way"

work

as a freelance-

"Writer/Editor/Translator along with all the writings & editing in these languages (Arabic+English+French)

"All Inclusive Computing Services"...in which I can apply all of the mentioned above while using the programs that I personally installed on my computer 💻 along with all the windows installation specifications and working professionally on most of the common programs including the "Office suite" & the "Photoshop" of course.... And I have added the services that's relevant to the e-marketing + web-development & such... And that's when I ran by chance to work with one of the famous business leaders in our city (which is also famous for its unique location "on both the River-Nile & the Mid-White-Sea) and on top of all that, its famous Carved/Engraved Wooden Furniture, which I had the chance to work with one of the most popular & successful business-men during the time period of 2008 till February 2012... I worked with several factories & establishments during those years, had many positions in each one of them, specifically in the "exporting department"🏬 till I made enough knowledge, awareness & worldwide connections that could be "way good enough" + my own specialized skills in doing my own work-services to any one who's actually seeking a good & better service than the rest of the nonsense we all witnessed all the time, every where...

That's all good of course, and you may have wondered why have I been transferring myself from one business/work/place to another all the time... And the answer is simply united in all the world🌍 Working for "others" is always draining one's own life' energy...etc... They all are alike, in each country, every where, like a real-life' vampires or something more like it!... Even that 1st one I have ever worked with "my uncle", he's actually the middle son of the only sister to my late father... And that "uncle" turned out to be vicious & has so much weird unexplained hate in his twisted self, to the point "as I remember" he once came to our house to argue with my father about {how rightfully he thinks of himself as he has the right to claim a part of our own"owned" house🏡}, I never forget how angry & sad he caused my father to deeply feel, while my dad was the only one who actually always visited them before & after his sister died & her husband too, my dad never saved his energy in whatsoever as long as it was going to help his nephews & nieces feel better about their lives, in every which way he could...

And although all that contrast & oppositions between such close-humans-relationships ; but that never let any of us down "concerning humanity at least", we (specifically, my father & me) were always up-to-help, without never thinking of any return nor even a "thank you"...

My Dad has passed-over in November 4th 1998, he was my Idol in every way, even though, as a very "rebel" teenager back then before 98 of course, we both were like one & his opposition, with so many arguing situations which all of course been caused by me being...well "me", and he being "his", and with saying "his", I mean a very "idealistic" man who's so compassionate, talented, home&family-oriented with very iconic & still reasonable high standards, modest, down-to-earth human-being!"... That's he being "his".... His birthday was in mid-July (15th) & my mom's in mid October (15th)! I pray for my father to be in a beautiful better place & resting in peace as I hope for my own self one day, to be all together in the heavenly garden of Aden, and I pray for my mom to be in a good health and to be able to let her worried mind be at ease and care-free as she should very well be in this stage of her life of course, I try & I do help a lot from time to time, if not on a daily basis, indeed... As do my sister as well, my sis is July 31th 1974, single, working as a Doctor Teaching French-literature in the college in the same city, we still all living together, for we already have a home/house of our own, that has 3 floors, my bro (November 3rd 1971) got married & living in the apartment above since 2004, has Jana & Jodie adorable two little angels, he's a Chemist at the Official-Water-Company in the city...

And as I was saying we all (mom, sis & I) have got to be together through this, specially since 2000, when mom had a stroke & moved to be hospitalized in the main "Heart Academy" in the capital city of Cairo, and stayed there for months, and I was forbidden by "her 4 brothers" my uncles, to even go to check on her, ever, they "between themselves & their wives" have considered/announced me as an outsider, since I "in their book" wasn't good enough for their standards & how life should be lived!!!

Because of the way they were "hearing" about me "being me" before that in years!!!

in that mean-time, I was here in my same-old-same-city all alone in the whole house, because my sis did of course go & stay with my mom during the whole time, except for 2 or 3 days to come in here to get something done & go back to mom, while I am still all alone in this house... my bro? You can say I was even loner with my bro at home, than with him not at home at all!

Yes, he's just "being him"!!!

Anyways;

I did "rebel"

as I always do,

but this time in a very different & unexpected way, even from me to me...!...

I (before this rebellion to even begin) was smoking two packs a day, along with pain-killers of very powerful type of course, occasionally drink or smoke weed, both, or not at all,

I just wasn't labeled

nor attached to anything whatsoever...

So, coming in those "testing days" while mom & sis away from me (5 hours car-travel) with no ability to go and see her, I could of course, against all restrictions, I would, but I didn't, because I knew how "caring" mean indeed, than they mistakenly thought they did... for if I ever went there & caused any kind of upset in the atmosphere around my mom, while she's in that very critical condition, they would all "point fingers at me" saying, "he is "meaning I am" wronged in everything and came to make my mom even more ill than she already is & may even cause her to...heaven forbid...! God! Of course, I didn't hand them that satisfaction & just stayed "low", very-unusually-for-my-own-habit "low".... And even did cut-down smoking at once without even noticing any feedback from its own withdrawal-influences & of course, along with whatsoever else that's mainly "bad", for my own health at least & also was a very bog factor of a distraction in a "time" that's just needs a hell of a "fighter", not a "smoker" or another shit... So, I developed everything "good" that's in me, and made it "in deed" out there in the "normal daily life", through at least making the house/home as much as mom would do when she's good as new, so I did it all, I went from a person who don't even make simple fast Sandwich of cheese or any other something, to a person who make a "Cake au chocolat" & a very good one indeed, in each and every morning when mom got home, plus making luch for all of us, and of course I cooked two types of meals as the list of mom's forbidden food on her health was quite long... I made it my job, to just take care of the whole home, basically "mom" and the rest is just as one... every day for 2 years and a half, cleaning, rearranging, cooking, making-errands, taking-care of mom, sis & even my bro... till she got a bit better with keeping on her "med" on due time, and started to get slowly step by step again to make a life on my own for my own... And within a year, I did it, in a very Aquarian way, I became a very artistic hand-writing-designer in the city, making banners by my own bare hands with specific stuff that mold & spark & shine even on its own, with no lights attached to it, not around it... among other advertisements ideas & .... just in 3 or 4 months, I became dealing with the top-business-men & women in the city, without even having an office of my own that they could come by & see it, I worked from home, without a business card, nor a mobile phone, nor any "usual" thing, and they all trusted & dealt with me, on just because I was "being me"... those 3 to 4 month were exactly happening in the winter & spring of the great year of "2003"!!! Only to get a partial "Amnesia" accidentally on 1 sec around 6 or 7 pm on June 12th 2003... I lost a lot of my existing memory back then actually, really, even when my sis came (as they afterwards told me all about what I still not remember at all), when my sis came to visit me at the hospital, I said to her in a very innocent & spontaneous way: "if you just have came 15 minutes earlier; you'd have caught "dad", he was just her & left before you come"!!! AND she just went outside-all-crying....

And the "journey" went on.....

Thanking God in everything & for everything

of which some I know and a lot that I don't, as we all...

💫

Although all of the heartbreaking that I have had my very own large part of, during the very welcoming-heart-open- spontaneous journey of my own way in life...

Through it all ;

along with all the turned-double-face/backstabbing "friends"... And each & every single thing/experience/feeling that you'd actually think of...!

👀

Here

I am

Mahmoud Souliman Alsharqawy

that's my 1st - middle & last name

Born on Jan 26th 1978,

10:30 am (local-time),

Damietta - Dumyat, Egypt.

I really don't know how to be so focused enough to come-up with a specific question that would in its answer open the door for me to a paved road of spontaneity, productivity & prosperity...

I'm just so confused by all that life has already let me go through for all my life, because I have literally been living my life "LIVE" ever since I was just 5 years old... which was the first year I ever worked and began working & continued working ever since, at first it was at my uncle's fashion-factory, they "my family" decided to let me be with him each summer "working", only because they couldn't "handle me, nor my rebel-flowing-energy", I therefore wanted just to be "out & about", no matter what///.... still, I was among the top 3 of my class in school, each year, my overall marks at the finals of every year were all FULL-MARK 200/200. Till the next phase of my life came along & I became so divided on so many varieties of activities & interests that no 24-hours could ever be enough for'em... Practiced Kung-Fu, Gymnastics, Creative-writing {had my own poems in both languages English & Arabic}, Basket-ball, Foot-ball, Swimming, Ping-Pong, and so many other interests/hobbies that all were equally interesting to me & I Aced them all as well...!

Not to mention my ever-lasting-on-going "relationships", world-wide, since the mid-90's through (remember those organizations that were able to let people from all around the world could write to each other, through 1st we send our own info & they compare it to what they have from others & do matching, we wait about 3 weeks or 2 at best to get a letter through the local post-office & all, and see who would be our match is, and gladly write be to her "in my case", and... wait another weeks... I think the organisation named "ICS" & the other organisation was "TransWorld" and both were in Finland as I can recall, I got their address from their own adds in a local popular magazine that was a hit in our country in those days, it was called

"The Youth" So many great things have happened, in a blink of an eye, in both the 80's & the 90's and suddenly came the 2000 & life just took a whole different turn & a whole different way of turning!!!

💫

As I mentioned before when I fell down on the edge of the sidewalk that we were setting on... with my height 6.1 & without choosing a way of falling as it's all sudden in very fast speed of very short time, and I fell on the back of my right-ear, that thing that is responsible of channeling the fluids from the spine to the brain & also for balance...

I took 2 years in treatment... One year & a half I was re-educating myself from the scratch

"talking & speaking the words that are actually on my mind".... & then 3 years more to remember my own way in living, my skills, my talents...!!!

In the very beginning, after I got home🏡 from the hospital🏥

One night, after midnight,

One of the high-school "sweethearts" when she knew about what happened "she knew from one of the female friends that came and visited me while I was in the hospital laying in bed with those salty-fluids attached in my veins... And when she knew, I was already in the house continued on the medical treatment from one famous doctor specializing in the surgery of the brain and its nerves... And I was working on my "talking" which was so much getting on every sensitive nerve in my already damaged brain... So, that girl 👧 phoned me one night in the very late hours of it... I was setting up on the small sofa that I like, after I turned it around to face the TV 📺 and my headphone 🎧 bugged into the TV so I can watch & hear the voices out loud 🔊 in the MBC 2 movie channel without hurting anyone in the house with any of the noise... So, she called me & after saying hi and how am I feeling during all of this, she noticed that I'm not "being me" at all as she surely could know even on the phone, specially on the phone... So, while she sensed that I'm being hurt deeply inside, for just not being able to speak my mind normally & spontaneously as I have always been... So, without even saying anything about it, she just went from talking with me smoothly in whatever general matter & then into the next, nonstop, with that sense of humor that could actually let me even continue with her in that "life'talk"

Continued doing that in every single late-night, for more than 3 to 4 months, as I can remember!

Adding that the entire right-half of my body 🌗 from head-to-toe was hardly feeling anything when touching or even pinching (if I said it right)

And those two very obvious signs "the difficulty in talking & the senseless half of the body" those were just the two obvious signs

about

"me being"

"not me at all"

those two have took over 2 years & 4 months to actually get "better" & then another few years to just be "okay" and as that "doctor" said to me during that last part, he said:

"whatever you do ; do not include (staying-home-till-getting-better) as an option at all & no matter what...

For your real unique treatment is actually during "you being" in living-life-itself... It's always has been the greatest teacher to all & also the most efficient and effective healer of all".

That session was just supposed to be a normal checkup, my mom & sis were inside the the room & setting on the doctor'office-table-chairs that are facing his own main chair, but they're listening to the doctor' as well as me, while I was setting on the side of the Chaslong or what's its proper name?! Anyway, I, during the very first words of his, just put my hand in my pocket & brought-out my cigarettes'box & the lighter and opened it & took a cigarette into between my lips & just lit it up during all the time I was eye-to-eye with him, nodding, not even a blink👀

"mom and sis" could really have a hard/heart-attack, and she both sigh out loud saying my name with a very not believing tone, but the doctor swiftly & smoothly raised his hand ✋ to them while saying "it's okay" and looked at me ; saying "but I'm just concerned if you're a heavy smoker or just occasionally"... In that one moment of pure spontaneity, I actually regained a very important part of my memory, which is "speaking English" and I instantly replied to him saying in English "no, no worries doctor, it's just occasionally & I've been out of it several times as I please when I do, thank you so ; though"

& he in return responded to me with that line I mentioned a bit earlier "about : whatever you do...." he said all those words back to me in "English"

The weirdest thing of it

That none of us was even a little surprised by the other... Except of course my poor mom & sis 😂

As life & living go by ; I found myself having spent more than

10 whole years

in life itself

as it is my own completion of the rest of that very treatment!

🔆

& ever since

I've been in & out of jobs

(in which I was working for others)

till I had it

got it all over with...

And been on my own,

very very "own",

since March 2012 till this very moment...

💫

instagram.com/AstroMouda

⛵

facebook.com/Beloved1s

♀

#Nothing_But_The_Best

♂

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13lW93YL37I)

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