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jennaissantes · 1 year

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the cut that always bleeds — p.js [teaser!]

PAIRING: besf!jay x fem!reader

sypnosis: maybe it wasnt always like the books. life was definitely not a movie. even if it were, youre sure yours would be the saddest. now add park jongseong to the equation.

GENRE: heavy angst, little fluff. friends to strangers to best friends , bittersweet ending [kind of]

WARNINGS: a lot of heavily angst scenes, a lot of talk about mental health, depression and anxiety [su!c!de is also mentioned at places], mentions toxic family household, and some really just sad stuff man ; some abuse, quite a lot of bullying [nothing physical just a lot of mental bullying and manipulation]. this is in general just a very sad story. jay and reader dont end up together but reader is quite content. will add more in the actual fic i promise.

teaser doesnt rlly depict much of the story lol but idw make it super sad in the teaser so i will give u guys what i have.

RELEASE DATE: april 18th

EST WC: i think 10k [im hoping lol]

AUTHORS NOTE: hello everyone!!! so… this might just be like the saddest most gruesome fic ive written. except its mainly based on my life. surprise? im actl rlly scared no one will want to read it haha. im fr hoping im able to include some happy scenes in it so you guys dont end up crying. story of my life in short words basically. it took me a lot of courage to write about this because i go pretty deep into the problems ive had in my life. so this is kind of my way of telling you guys this is my life. please seek help if any of the given stances apply to you. like genuinely. if any of you are facing any mental health issues or any sort of problems in your life, please dont hesitate to talk to someone about it. my inbox and dms are also always open if youd like to chat with me ❤️

TAGLIST: please send in an ask to be added to the taglist! permanent taglist need not ask

TEASER:

Love is a ship which at a distance has every man's wish on board.

Or womens. Didn't matter, really.

But that's all it was now. Love was beautiful, you had learnt, from a distance. Quite ugly from up close, once you found out that love isn't for everyone, not even those who had faced some of the worst struggles.

Okay so maybe you were pushing it a bit with the whole ‘Love’ thing, but you needed some way to express yourself.

Your entire life, you were told that you were a golden child, a prodigy. As a kid, you loved the praise.

Singing was not a talent many possessed, at least not singing worthy of a broadway star. You took pride in your talent. Most kids being jealous of you was really cool, you could always show off your voice to them. At the age, it didn't matter to you, or any of the kids in fact.

Your mother too, took much pride in your talent. Although your sister, who was 8 years older to you, was also a singer, she loved that the younger child was also a singer, if not a better one than the first child.

Growing up in the same small state for your entire life, and going to the same school throughout the years had its ups and downs. There were always a bunch of people who were constant in your life. Even if they didn't play a big part in it.

Including him.

The first time you met Park Jongseong was in preschool. He was the epitome of trouble, for a 3 year old at least.

You had always been very outgoing, from your tender age. That bubbly, genuine personality which present you so selfishly wish for. You were always good at making friends. You wish you weren't.

He was a troublemaker. You being a child, attracted by his stubbornness for not following rules, decided to become his friend.

And thats how your friendship with Park Jay began, only blooming as the years went by.

He was a troublemaker. You being a child, attracted by his stubbornness for not following rules, decided to become his friend.

And thats how your friendship with Park Jay began, only blooming as the years went by.

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felismiscellaneous · 3 years

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Casonverse Expo

ok so after you see this you Cannot save it. the whole thing about the casonverse is that its solely “oral” and memory based. i cannot write down “rules” to it or anything. this post Will be lost to time and youll just have to deal with that

ok so. we begin. our story. w/ an explanation on how ectobiology has been going on earth c. basically, every once in a while to increase genetic diversity, a babeh between two of the original founders is created randomly, and said founders get to decide if they want to adopt that babeh or not.

now its been a very very long time on earth c and all of these bitches are immortal. yep. every single one. even the non godtiers, they get an immortality boon for winning the game. you know whats also a boon? all of the players getting revived. yep. every single one. because this is my au and i can do what i want.

anyways as i was saying basically at some point a babeh between john and karkat is made and this time theyre like “yeah ok well adopt this one” SO. they be goin there. and the ONE TIME they decide this is the right time the baby is fuckin BROKE. the internal organs of trolls and humans dont mesh very well when the genes are combined in the ectomachine, and this baby is basically just dying very slowly. this baby isssss Casey! well, shes not named that by her parents, but well just call her Casey for now.

john and karkat do their fuckin best to keep this thing alive but her tiny baby body is completely dysfunctional. and doesnt last very long. This is Traumatizing for Everyone Involved. anyways!! a pretty long time after that we have Cason and Jones. they were spawned at the same time. Jones is rose and kanayas horrible ectospawn, and Cason happens to be another equally horrible spawn between john and karkat! they decide to adopt this one, and fortunately it lives. This was Their First Mistake.

but before we get into Cason, lets get into Jones. Jones is,,,, very socially awkward. in fact, she often comes off as creepy to everyone else. this makes her very clingy towards her mothers, who arent That terrible at parenting. theyve got quirks, but theyre good for her. Jones doesnt really have any friends, except this Totally Cool and Not at All Dangerous cult she gets dragged into! this is the second secret shes ever kept from her mothers. the first is that shes the one who keeps bringing snails into the house. Jones likes snails, but shes not good at taking care of them. she just keeps bringing them into the house and feeding them her snack. her snack is rat poison. snails like and digest rat poison safely. snails! she likes them.

ALSO APPARENTLY SHE CAN SEE GHOSTS???? yeah lets get into that. see, Casey becomes a Regular Ghost after she dies. not a dream ghost, just a plain ol ghost. and anyways, shes around the same age as everyone else if not a year older due to Ghost Rules now, and Cason is the only one that seems to be able to see her. and then theres Jones. Jones is absolutely stunning to Casey and yes she falls so hard in dokis. but Jones is trying to ignore the fact that she can see ghosts. it makes her feel like even more of an outcast. ooooo drama! anyways those two have their own background plot going on about fighting eldritch gods or something idk.

LETS GET BACK TO CASON. see. Cason. is The Worst. like, genuinely. ever since he was a kiddo, he was a completely spoiled brat from day one, and spent his childhood Looking Down on People for multiple reasons. for one, hes the son of TWO FUCKING FOUNDERS AND RAISED BY THEM, two he got away with EVERYTHING, and three i think its just in his nature. Cason prides himself in being knowledgeable and better than everyone else, but he is not like Other Egomaniacs((tm.))

Cason doesnt necessarily care about being liked, even if he WAS a great manipulator, or being the best at Everything. he couldnt care less about sports or popularity. all he wants, is Control. just like hes had since day one. This is Terrible for Everyone Involved.

but most terrible for anyone, is Tippie Piyjon. Tippie is terezi and nepetas ectospawn, which, really started it all. now, terezi and nepeta are not horrible people, or even necessarily horrible parents, but theyre just not suited for it. Tippie raised herself on romance novels and the like, especially after being sortve taken in as a goddaughter by karkat almost immediately after she was born. and, because of this, she got to meet Cason very early on. there was hardly ever a day where the two werent around eachother, whether they liked it or not. in school, at their own house, wherever. now, being around Cason of all people all the time, meant you knew exactly how he operated.

and well, Tippie figured that, maybe, if she was just good enough, she could change him. and Cason used that to his full advantage. the two became moirails, which was Fucked Up for Everyone Involved, and grew ever closer. now Cason, being Cason, was Extremely Emotionally Abusive to Tippie. she had to do what he asked, whatever it was, even if it wasnt morally right, she had to stay by his side, she couldnt cry in front of his parents, she had to get good grades so he wouldnt look bad, so many damn things she had to do. even if he never once laid a finger on her, her mental health was, slowly but surely, chiseled down.

every attempt at defying him was met with such coldness, or hed act more warm towards her, so surely she was doing something right and had to keep going. just had to be good enough. hell get better eventually. Cason earns the title of #1 Gaslighter Extraordinare. the only place she found any solace away from him was grubscouts, which she joined on her own terms when she was very young, and at the time was a camp counselor even! this lasted. for so many years.

Cason is nineteen whenever i depict him, and Tippie is seventeen, but very nearly eighteen. eventually, she cant take it anymore, and snaps at him. usually this doesnt last, and he would manage to calm her down eventually, but shes fucking Tired of it. he hasnt changed. not even a bit. well. Cason cant have that, now can he? the first time he lays a hand on her, he slaps her across the face. Big Mistake. though terrified, Tippie lashes out, and claws Casons left eye out, making a terribly deep gash that would leave him permanently blind in that eye whether or not he got treatment.

this scares the SHIT out of her, and Tippie runs off, for the first time, to her mothers. as she cries, she recounts how terrible everythings been and how she didnt mean it and shes sorry and- theres nothing to apologize for. its very clear, that they shouldve stepped in sooner, shouldve noticed something was wrong. meanwhile, Cason crawls home to his own dads, who are rightfully spooked seeing their son with a horrifically bloody face and a gouged eyeball. they only had a second to try and comfort him, before he snapped at them, showing a bit of his true nature to them for the first time, and also, terezi showing up behind him. after a thorough explanation which was mostly just a few stern, if a little tearful words, Casons parents are completely mortified. karkat quickly kicks him out in an act of raw emotion. no chance to grab clothes, or for john to interject, Cason is left outside, alone, and with absolutely no power left. what will he do?

theres also other characters but theyre like babies so they dont have much characterization and also arent very important to the story. but here they are ig:

owen, jade and daves child. hes like, 3. he likes sticks and playing in mud. hes 3 what more do you want from him

siyren, aradia and feferis kiddo. shes like, 6. she likes ballet, arts and crafts, and being snooty

damien, eridan and solluxs kid. hes 10, likes calling people slurs over xbox, and overcompensating since his parents waited so damn long to adopt him after his slimebirth

killer, who named himself, aradia and sollux kid. hes like 11 or something. he likes being edgy and has the same issue as damien. in fact, all but siyren have this issue

toga bitch, who i have currently yet to name, aradia and eridans kid. shes 12. she likes earth rome and chilling in public fountains. a burgundy whose violetkin

wemon wemon, who is also currently unnamed, feferi and eridans kid. hes 13, the oldest. he likes earth lemon demon and horror special effects

carrie, feferi and solluxs kid. shes like 11, likes dance dance revolution and earth 9s

rosie, calliope and roxys bab, whos a baby. jane is also her mom

ben, tippies far future carapacian bf, who likes boring shit like birdwatching and scrapbooking. malewife supreme. a very soft dude, and just wants to help his gf w/ her trauma and join her grubscout troop on earning badges. just a great, if boring guy

notkonyyl, just as unnamed, a notcanadian oliveblood who enjoys going to the gym, frequenting bars, being cool, flirty, and defending her moirail to the death

notkuprum, haha unnamed, is a human, and the moirail to notkonyyl. he likes things like being annoying, flirting with everyone taller than him ((most people)), the nintendo switch, and defending his moirail to the death

#casonverse #long post #very long post #homestuck #tw abuse #tw eye trauma

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obsessed-fanatic · 3 years

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I'm just a Dude!!!!!!!!

A fan. Who grew up with so much fun stuff. A kid who woke up at 6:00am every saturday morning to watch SONIC X.

Played Sonic adventure DX Director's Cut on an old gamecube.

I, at the time, had no intent of evil or anything crap or childish. Just watching cartoons, on my ANTENNA tv WITHOUT internet.

Outside all of that, it was chaos.

Fights at home. Alcohol involved. But not me and my brother. Who do you think?

To the point things were smashed and broken and tears were running down me and my brothers faces. And lies were told.

Do you honestly think we lie about reasons for stress relief or methods of how we young ones blow off steam? Not even one coping mechanism.

Cause im just smoking cannabis, looking for a job, while getting stressed the hell out at home.

Cannabis at least for calming down, killing the fear and anxiety and pain. Emotional, Even and Especially physical.

Just had my 22nd birthday come and go recently and now im just starting to think this is very fucked up.

How can i forward that i just don't want, let alone EVER, hurt anybody and calmly follow my dreams without messing with, hurting, or offending people?

Is it really my life when i turn 18?

Cause i also remember hearing something about being your own person.

Why would I want to be a criminal or anything unpleasant or flat out negative?

Hell even the showoffs in cartoon episodes on many shows throughout the years have literally depicted that kind of person.

March 22nd 2013.

I got stuck in the bathroom for 25 mins to what felt like an hour.... Meanwhile on the outside EVERYBODY WAS FIGHTING.

This was screaming and honestly Hell.

I dreaded going outside of the bathroom.

So i stayed inside until everything was over eventually.

I told one of my guidance counselors at middle school this while she was taking me home after i missed the bus at school.

YEAH. you can miss the bus at school and if your parents have the whole night of work until 11pm and no one else to pick you up THEN YOU WERE HONESTLY FUCKED.

So my counselor at middle school took me home. She owned 11/22/63 by stephen king.

Let me read it for a bit.

Saw the series later on Hulu later in life.

Though, at least my brother got a bus ride. At least he didnt have to share the fear and little bit of hopelessness i was feeling.

But when i got a ride from a fellow stephen king fan, i was beyond caring of any distress.

And i was still a big Sonic fan at the time and also beginning to go into the brony fandom.

Now to tell you the truth nitty gritty, i first saw MindlessGonzos Tumblr dubs. One of the very first things that got me into the fandom. After that it was Quemdolum or JackTHerbert. They made me laugh and kept my head above water while i was also getting heavily bullied in 7th grade to 8th.

Then it was onto music from the fandom

Teithepony or AcidUsagi now -- Love me cheerilee. Tried to look and find that one but in time i got it. I think it was the first pony remix i ever heard. The rest of the iconic music/ songs like Winter Dance up from SimGretina, or Discord from Odyssey Eurobeat were just amazing.

But however just to bring things back to reality and TO BE HONEST 2013 sortve ruined that. On July 6th 2013, i was ultimately and just devastatingly disappointed after so much hope was built up even by my mom. Told it wasn't possible for a trip to BronyCon 2013. Mom was then telling my brother in the kitchen to NOT tell me "I told you so."

That's how shit that was. Even when my brother was telling me "No i wasnt going to bronycon".

Then for some reason my mom shouted

"Yes he is!"

This was before the disappointment.

This was a good shot of hope for a bit.

But yeah it was a stupid but inadvertent fake out. I know it wasnt all on purpose to hurt me. Well then mom why did you say Yes He Is like everything was going to be FINE AND DANDY???

I know it wasnt deliberate because she never showed hostility or a "fuck you deal with it" mentality.

If that happened i would've snapped. More than i would think or imagine.

I feel like Henry Creedlow off of George A Romero's Bruiser.

Now there's no more pony cons at all............................ . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . .i dont even know whats gonna happen with Gen 5. Lets just wait and see.

To be honest i hope its not gonna get worse where in one scenario:

No one will care or know to the point where i could be dying of cancer, and no one would know or know for sure if it was cancer cause i had no doctors visit/appointment let alone Diagnosis to prognosis.

I'm Just a fan of so many interests that made me and lots of others who probably went through shit i went through maybe even WORSE,

But it doesn't mean i have no life.

Been through shit and honestly don't even know if i can even do shit. Its hard living down here.

Went through all 12 grades

But got no diploma or didnt went to the graduation ceremony or kinda sadder, could not afford the cap and gown.

All the chaos at home and on the outside of home. Just got worse after that. Way way worse.

Im very scared of approaching 2018.

This year was a defining year of what i call

"Crazy heartless Bleakness" that just ignored mental health, human problems, and abandoned all consideration empathy and compassion. Thats what i felt in 2018. Let alone losing friends.

Later it became surreal and terrifying because this was the year i got arrested at a wawa for having a crazy mental breakdown.

This was the moment i snapped out of reality and it was probably vaporized out of my head as i would describe it.

They said i was talking crazy, something happened and that my family was looking for me. My mom put out missing posters/papers.

But what happened to me in the jail.

You wouldn't believe me.

After that things were very different.

Then.... Weird very coincidental things started to happen.

To be continued...

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fratboykate · 7 years

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I don't remember if it was on here on or on ao3 where you said Lexa would've reacted the same way if any of her kids died but the other characters assumed that she's being this bad because it was Jake and their special connection. Would that get touched on in later chapters? Like is anyone going to find out Lexa's feelings regarding her children (ie Costia and her teenage tantrums, Clarke's friends, etc.) 1/2

I never got the second part of this :(

I’m also going to be super lazy and just answer some of the asks I got about Chapters 24/25 in this one post because I don’t feel like tagging everything or repeating myself lol.

-okay KG, you got me with that last chapter. I had yet to cry this entire time, and then that update came for my whole life. but the real question…. where’s my manz Fish ran off to? did he just run off to his doggo home and was like, “fuck this, y'all wake me up when the screaming stops”

You literally have no idea how hard this made me laugh. “Doggo home” “my manz Fish” and “fuck this, y’all wake me up when the screaming stops” have got to be some of my favorite things I’ve ever read. Yo manz Fish is dead by now lmao. They got him when Costia was a baby and Costia is 14 now. Dogs aren’t immortal. Turtle is their new pup. I genuinely haven’t decided if Turtle is still alive right now or not. For the sake of argument lets say Turtle was…somewhere lol. He was hiding from the screaming or I didn’t want to call the animal wrangler to set and have him in the scene hahaha

-People say they like “angst” but the “angst” they like is “they can’t be together bc one if them is married, or oblivious” Your writing is more mature. It’s a fic, but it deals with a serious issue. People saying is “too much” or “unrealistic”, what about the people that come from war with ptsd, they ****** *******?? they get violent?? I agree with one of your followers, I thought Lexa in one of her outbursts was going to hit someone, I was waiting, good to know that will never happen!! - [I redacted this one and the next one cuz it had a chapter spoiler and I don’t know if everyone has read it yet]

-Hey friend! What a fine chapter that was–perhaps my favorite so far. Can’t understand the readers who didn’t see the ******* ***** coming. I thought you’ve dropped those breadcrumbs along the way. Also your depiction of mental illness is SO important. Society shoves it away, marks it as “bad,” and shames people who suffer its effects. Maybe it’s just me, but I much prefer stories that depict real life, the ups and downs and the unexpected twists, to an idealized, cotton-candy version. Don’t get me wrong–we all need some sweetness now and again and lord knows I have a handful of stories I consume that is purely fluff. But I’d take the realness any day, because we–as a society–need to shine more light on the aspects we’ve kept hidden. Thanks for continuing to write and share your story! Much peace to you xoxo

-I would just like to say, as someone with a mental illness and has family with mental illness, I appreciative that you show Clarke dealing and reaching her breaking point as well. Sometimes on tumblr i feel like some people go too far in the opposite direction, saying that if someone you love has a mental illness you essentially have to be understanding and be okay with everything they do regardless of the pain it causes you. My illness caused me to lash out at people and it wasnt fair to them.

-Anybody who thinks mental illnesses can’t get super ugly sure as shit don’t have any personal experience with it. I only know a few of people with BPD/PTSD and I’m not that close with them (friends of friends) yet I still know how messed up that shit can get for everyone involved. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves about media - and fandoms especially - the overwhelming predilection to romanticize/diminish emotional abuse and illness (physical or mental) It’s a terrible fucking message.

-So, I read your latest chapter to see how “dark and angst and fucked up” it got and I was disappointed??? From the overblown reactions, I expected Lexa to be behaving like some kind of horrible monster or the like, but, instead, it just seems like something taken out of my life five to eight years ago??? Like…I don’t know what to say. That right there is a perfect depiction of what having mental health problems is like. It’s very real and, to me at least, kinda tame??? I honestly expected much worse. Hell, I’ve DONE much worse (and I’m sure you have too, since you have BPD as well), so if people think that THIS chapter was unrealistic and too “fucked up”…HAHAHA! honey, y'all have no clue. No clue at all. Mental illness is not funny, amazing, or us trying to be difficult because we revel in drama. It fucking sucks, and sometimes it’s hard to just muster up enough energy to get out of bed. The voices? Yeah, those are there too. The whiners are idiots.

Yes, we don’t get nearly enough realistic portrayals of mental illness. Someone actually thought I was ticked off because people didn’t like the chapter. If you don’t like the fic, then don’t like the fic. I’m not offended by that in the slightest. What ticked me off was people’s reaction to the portrayal of a symptom of mental illness. Calling what happened “unrealistic” or “too much” when there’s people who live with it every day - me being one of them - is what ticked me off. Not because of the story, but because they thought dismissing those symptoms and making them out to be as a poorly used dramatic tool or something when it’s a thing people deal with every day of their lives is what irritated me. But whatever. I feel like only the first few dozen people were the ones that had a poor reaction to it. Everyone since then was amazing. On AO3 a mother who had a son die die 9 years ago wrote a comment saying this story resonated with her because it felt real to her or something along those lines and that shook me. If someone who has lived this kind of loss says “this is realistic” then that’s all I can strive for as a write. I like to tell stories that ring true to the human experience and it seems like this one may he hitting the mark.

-first of all, your story is amazing, it woke emotions in me, that even I didm’t know I had. How many chapters do you Think it would had? and how many until the Ultimatium? you are truly a gifted Writer, thank you. sorry for my English

Your English is good! Nothing to apologize for. I have no idea about the chapter count. I think we may be nearing the last dozen chapters or somewhere around there. At least for the main meat of the story. I’ll still have a fuck ton of chapters left and I’m thinking that if people are interested I can just keep adding those to the tail end once the main part is “completed”. We’ll see.

-There’s just something about this rawness in your fic that makes it so good and impossible to stop reading. Like sure, it’s dark and there are uncomfortable bits to read but it’s so necessary? Pain demands to be felt!

-well you even said here that you have more “happy” chapters than the post jake ones written so, eventually there’s gonna be more at the end if you post them, but then really, your fic is probably the only one where sad and happy parts are equalized because you divide the chapters?!! why people can’t even do math??

-do you’ve any idea how aMAZING YOUR FIC IS??? THE ANGST IS SO WELL-WRITTEN AND HEART-WRENCHING AND AAAAAAH SO GREAT. x

-Okay that last chapter.. wow what a trip. I love pain? You really have a way with words! Your updates are so quick it’s amazing! Wow I just.. damn.. I have Lexa feels right now agh my heart

-The show of appreciation for the appreciation is appreciated!

-I’m a huge sap.. i just reread the chapter in which Roa got her appendix out and I’m crying at Lexa’s bedtime routines with her children ahhhhh the emotional depth in your writing is truly spectacular

-dude I really like your fic. it’s one of my favorites. The fact that it’s so raw and real makes it awesome. I know some people don’t like when things get too graphic (jake’s death) or even now with that new layer in the understanding of Lexa’s mental illness. but that really suits the fic (I think you should have gone all the way when describing jake’s death but I get it why you didn’t), and continue with the angsty please. we can understand the characters better in situations like this

THANK YOU!

-I hear people be givin you shit for that incredible fic that I have yet to get past chapter 2 (been lagging on that ;–;) it’s your story, love and I love it so far. Not everything in life is happy happy happpyyyy (P.S. can I hug you? I just love ya so much)

Lol…yes, you can most definitely hug me. I’m Latino. We love hugs.

#y'all are so nice #now i have to respond to the like 40 comments i didnt get to on ao3 #this is what happens when i dont have time to check my inbox for a day #and this isn't even all of them lol #cfau #long post #Anonymous #KG Answers

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rhinointherain · 4 years

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5-8-2020

Every coherent though is a chain of smaller thoughts Every (thought) is a combination of (feelings that you sense) Every (feeling that you sense) is an (amount of heat in a neuron) every (amount of heat in a neuron (degrees)) is a total sum of energy every total sum of energy is a neuron firing or not firing every neuron firing or not firing is the signal cells being released from the last neuron or not etc etc

Its all either off or on, one or zero, and the derivatives of them. It goes into the FOURTH dimension, the x axis is length (or time, the units) the y axis is x width (2d space) the z axis is x, height (3d space) and the other axis is derivative of x (4d space)

Every thing is a spectrum of itself underneath the 1

Each (x derivative) is an (x), each (x) is an (intergral/anti-derivative) of (x double intiderivative) and so on

Many peoples third eyes open within their lifetime, but only a fewer amount of people actually have the means tools etc to communicative what they understand effectively with the world and possibly harness it for productivity, which is what makes the difference between one of the greatest humans in history and a weird junkie

Kinda impressed by the fact that even despite having no language like this whatsoever to communicate with junkies can find a way to express these things in a way that other people whove gone through it can somehow recognize it

Or maybe they dont recognize what im recognizing at all, they are just communicating other more sensory aspects of “it” (act of third eye being open) and the people whose third eyes actually opened recognize these aspects

I can do anything now if only i remember what this was/is like. I can succeed in any field because I understand how all of them work in principal. Or at least if i remember what i recognize now well enough and can decipher it with enough focus to find a coherent way to use it

Being smart is the ability to recall them more quickly or the ability to understand their connections with each other better or understand them on a “lower” level ( the integral of x, x being thought). Maybe there is no “third eye opening” but its just that you get down on a level few people ever do. But there is no bottom it is an infinity of x into itself, also known as x derivative of x over x intergral of x

Hang on im starting to think of aspects of this i dont understand. Like what are coderivatives or whatever you call them. I cant understand where they fit into this because i dont remember exactly what they are. And time and space being two different dimensions (x and y) or space (y) being the derivative of time (x) oh wait that is exactly what im trying to say, i feel like it could be easier if writing by hand bc i could draw actual derivative symbols instead of counting on words u can type to express what im trying to say

(Wrote this last but put it here bc of organization) Remember this to help you understand: it isnt a chain bc its not just a line its in multiple dimensions. I.E. space. But it is because neurons fire in a chain I.E. time. We can only measure one direction in time but three in space.

Ok this is gonna make me sound even crazier as if I wasnt sounding crazy already. But time travel is not “movement” (one point to another) in the fourth x dimension aka 4th derivative of x (which would be to us like a wormhole), it’s movement in derivative of y? I think y, maybe i have this wrong. Neurons are oriented in space time. The amount of energy they have in them, their location in space (x,y,z coordinates), their location in time (along the x dimension) are all ways to describe the “point” they occupy in all dimensions. (Is the space time continuum represented by the x times xyz space section of all dimensions?)

Time travel is not just derivative of x, which is moving forward aka to the future, but integral of x which is moving “backward” in time aka the past

So not only can you move “outside” i e 4th derivative of x aka the fourth dimension of space (i didnt finish this thought. earlier and am trying to remember deeply enough what it said. It looked like it was a summary of the main idea that not only “” , but also you can move y derivates .” So you actually have an infinite number of dimensions being the derivative of one another in an infinite number of directions)

When they said everythings a fractal that was real

Things go in every direction all at once. And all those things go in every direction of their direction, which is infinitely more times greater than the first “every direction all at once” (which was infinity). Do you understand?

Good god. How did they figure this out. Like when you see media depictions of being high like tool album covers and stuff they have all that fractal stuff and when a sci fi movie wants to convey something deep the zoom in on the molecules until it looks like the universe zoomed out. They understand at least some aspect of this idea.

If i actually wanted my realization to be a groundbreaking thing i would probably need to spend a lot of years trying to convince people i wasnt crazy and only if i eventually effectively communicate my ideas across and spend a lot of time and energy to would it actually later seem like i were a tragic genius rather than a crazy person. also id need to try to hold on how i felt like when i was high for so long it would have a chance of disrupting my mental health/ability to function in society (same thing obvs) and driving me toward like hard drugs and that would not be good

Its so hard to explain the fourth dimension like i really dont think i could try to draw a representation of it like some people do (those cube things, i cant remember what theyre called), my conception of it is a lot more mathematical and verbal. But i still am pretty certain I understand it whether un-high me believes me or not

When youre trying to think about this stuff and you look away at your environment and think about memories and do other complex things that require much deeper chains of neurological communications in order to process them, it becomes a lot harder to focus in on these ideas because the complex things require a much higher/broader/vaguer level of though (higher broader vaguer being words we can use to try to understand what it means to be on a “higher level” as in OUTSIDE OF, DERIVATIVE OF X, IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION etc, just as like (above) and (below) describe location along the z axis if you think of the xy plane aka z equals zero as the “ground” and above means positive z and below means negative z.)

Its going to be harder than i thought to communicate this when sober lol but its still nice i was able to experience it lol

Other things to mention 1. Up until this point (but not after), some pieces of text are out of order than they were written, usually the paragraphs were all written together though not always 2. I wasn’t hallucinating per se but I understand how they work now bc some of the things in the corners of my vision, where my eyes are giving less attention to their light receptors, I’m seeing things off from how they actually are: I turn toward them and perceive them normally but when I turn away and theyre in the corner of my vision i see the distortion again. Its not like scary hallucinations or anything like for example I perceived a giant black slab like in space odyssey in place of the dark doorway, or a wall where there wasnt one. Its because my brain was focusing/thinking in different ways than its used to and so its less sensitive to the type of information it usually takes in from its environment and its interpretations of it are less precise and thus not entirely “correct”. Its a really interesting way of thinking about what it is that you actually notice and perceive. Like the experiment where they switch out the person asking for directions and the majority of people dont actually notice its a difference person

Yeah ok i cant really write much more bc im significantly less high rn, I could sit here the whole rest of the time and try to make sure I understand all this well enough each time I get less high but I really don’t feel like doing that its like, drifting farther and farther away and taking more effort to really grasp it with each drift towards sobriety and while thinking about how I might not understand all this stuff soon I’m tired lol and I appreciate the experience. Anyway yeah

More things I was thinking in the shower: Everything is a direction? And so everything is a dimension? Not just in space or time, thats only one section of it which can be described by a “shape” with three dimensions in the space orientation and one in the time orientation. All categories are their own dimension. In any given moment you are at an intersection of a certain (point) on [the shape representing the space time continuum] and all the other infinities

Question. Does the idea of god fit into all of this. “Who is doing the moving”—that would be god? “What is “moving””, etc. ? If “everything” is all infinities of infinities and this goes on infinitely, there is no possible way to be “outside” that infinity. Therefore you cant possibly “move” it all bc movement requires a force, and that force cant come from “outside” of it so therefore it all “moves” itself? How accurate is the term “movement” to describe what i am referring to? Which is our existence. Aka where the space time continuum is oriented within the “everything”. And by extent, where we ourselves are oriented within the space time continuum. I feel like i could represent this well with a 3d image. We are each our own space time continuum? With all this being understood i believe there is no possible way for us as humans to answer the question of whether there is a god, or what god is. I could be wrong about this but I dont think I personally would be able to. Same with the question of free will. The two are definitely interrelated. I feel like the ideas ive been saying can provide a different framework for talking about questions like this about god and free will and stuff, but the new framework would have to be engaged with/understood more fully in order to get any answers significantly more substantial than what we as humans have already.

“Third eye opening” is what i refer to this experience as but thats just an expression. The eye opening metaphor doesnt hold up super well when i actually think about what i mean by it. What i mean is the moment that you started to understand existence {in a certain way}, more “deeply”/“outside of just perceiving the space time continuum. But i dont think it actually necessarily refers to a specific threshold thats being passed, i just feel like ive reached a level today that is noteworthy because of how much i am able to understand. {In a certain way} is purposefully vague because again im not really sure if there is a threshold for what that certain way actually is, or how you might determine it. Its more that i reached a significant level of understanding existence today. But when people talk about the “third eye being open”, and they actually mean it, this is definitely in the realm of what they mean. Out of all the people in the world who make claims about having their “third eye open”, probably not very many of them mean something similar as i do when I talk about my experience of the third eye being open.

I was thinking about some other stuff as i was lying in bed i didnt write it down unfortunately as i was thinking it but i think it was pretty much repetitions of earlier ideas but elaborated in slightly different ways. overall the final thought was that in sum here are was that i not only can finally conceive of the idea of the fourth (spatial) dimension properly, but i also finally understand that the spatial dimensions are only one tiny “branch” of the many infinities of dimensions that branch into infinitely more infinities of dimensions. I understand now what is meant by “space time continuum” in relation to “everything else”. Oh one other thought i do remember having is that human “religion” (we talked in one my classes how difficult that word is to define) has very little to do with the actual god questions, i.e. what god is and what movement is and how god “works”, but not absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s our (humans’) very very very imprecise way of trying to address these questions.

And one other final thing. My first instinct was to spend hours thinking about how to best and most precisely communicate my understanding so that other people (and sober me) can understand it. I don’t understand why thats what I immediately jumped to doing and still feel the urge to do, when I could much more easily have decided that I was content with just understanding it myself and spending the rest of life knowing that I now have this special knowledge. I always thought i saw knowledge for the sake of knowledge as the ultimate pursuit but I guess I also have the drive to apply it somehow. I wonder if this is true for everyone on some level or not. Oh yes I also had been thinking about how difficult human language is to express what I’m trying to say because its not really equipped for it. like i just want to put quotations around every single word because words are just approximations for the ideas they are trying to express even when talking about ideas that our language is actually designed to describe, not even to mention trying to talk about stuff that it isnt. math concepts (even the few that I actually know anything about) are super super helpful to me in trying to think about and communicate these ideas and now I completely understand what people mean when they say that math is our best bet for being able to communicate with extraterrestrial intelligent life seeing as we have no way of knowing how other beings might perceive information. Wait a minute. Whos even to say that even if our definition of “life” didnt ever evolve anywhere else in the universe, there couldn’t be something else that wasn’t “alive” by this strict definition but not exactly “not alive” either. Like it didnt have “cells” exactly like earth organisms but it was somehow distinct from “not alive” things just like earth organisms are. Like the same way that viruses are neither alive nor not alive.

That article i had to read in cog sci about the “levels of understanding” (i.e. sociology is an abstraction of psychology is an abstraction of biology is an abstraction of chemistry is an abstraction of physics) is something that can fit into this understanding and probably led me to it too, seeing as I have thought about it a good deal since when i read it a few years ago. “...Is an abstraction of” is kinda like saying “is the derivate of”. Or is it like saying “is the integral of”, sorry I’m getting really tired.

Is “How” the integral of “what”, or the derivative?

Ok NOW i am going to actually sleep and instead of trying to think about this more i am going to be content with the fact that i now have all this knowledge.

Your neurons take a snapshot

Even if i am right about all this there isnt actually a point in conveying it and making it understood by other people. Even if it is an extraordinary feat to be able to understand all this it wont be seen as extraordinary (whatever that means) unless enough other people can understand it well enough to understand its significance, or someone who does understand it can make it relevant in some way to the rest of humanity and the functioning of society. I can wake up tomorrow and choose to say “lol i was so high and just rambling nonsense” and choose never to engage with these ideas again and go about my life like normal, or i can take on the burden of choosing to believe they are real, and then deciding whether i need to make them and their significance known (I dont even know if i know what their “significance” is, or if they have one). I dont know which one would overall be the better thing to do.

#journal #aug 2020 #🌿

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