#(nobody actually fight me I have zero horses in this race)

[eighthdoctor]

back on my bullshit again in a new fandom: logical consequences of grimm responding to animal fears

(do they? don’t they? whatever, i don’t think the show has given us a good answer yet)

anyway so the thing: non-human animals feel...a lot of emotions. fear is one of the most fundamental, but anger is also in there. i’d expect to see grimm turn up for two main types of interactions: predation and intra-group conflict.

predation is what it sounds like: predators attacking (and kiling and eating) prey. intra-group conflict is when two or more members of the same social group get into a fight.

one at a time:

predation: the predator’s feelings can be pretty easily dispensed with, because they feel excited and focused and happy. not very grimm feelings at all. prey are much more likely to become a grimm target, as they feel afraid and sometimes angry.

a quick evolution recap for y’all: more animals are born than live to reproduce, but this isn’t random. which animals die young is, over large scales, determined by how well adapted they are to their environment--that is, how good they are at both getting food and not getting turned into food. animals which are better at eating and not getting eaten are more likely to have offspring in the future.

or, as the old joke goes: you don’t need to be faster than the bear. you need to be faster than your friend.

so in real life, a cheetah takes off after an antelope, and the following selection pressures are in play:

1. speed. being physically faster will be beneficial to both animals, so we have an arms race where cheetahs are getting faster and faster, and antelope are getting faster and faster, and some day we may hit a land speed record.

2. reaction time. the cheetah initiates this chase, but the antelope will zigzag, and so the closer the cheetah can stick to the antelope’s path--the faster it can respond to its moves--the more likely it will win. meanwhile, the sooner the antelope can react to the cheetah’s initial lunge, the more likely it will get away entirely.

3. stealth. this one goes entirely to the cheetah, and it’s not well suited for it. other cats get closer to their prey before lunging. cheetahs do get close, but they’re simply not built for the stalk (or temperamentally equipped for it either). but for a cheetah who can get that close, their odds of a kill go up.

4. observation. and this is the antelope’s equivalent. if it can spot the cheetah before the lunge, it’s actually very unlikely the cheetah will make a go for it at all.

for the most part, antelope are already at their observation maximum, and cheetah sacrifice stealth for a better reaction time (it has to do with twitchiness: if you’re very very twitchy, you’ll be fabulous at tag but horrible at hide and seek). mostly they’re being pitted in terms of speed and reaction time.

now add grimm.

i’m making the assumption that about half the time, the grimm will attack the predator, and half the time, they’ll attack the prey. (probably more like 1:1:1:1 where the last two options are “both” and “neither” but let’s not complicate this).

for the antelope, well. the antelope never cared very much about what the cheetah was there for. 

to zoom out from this particular example, prey animals have two major responses to predators: get away (run faster, hide better) or make the predator go away (horns, size, tough skin, poison, spikes...poison spikes...). some of these strategies will be more useful on grimm than others. grimm aren’t going to be intimidated unless the animal genuinely isn’t angry; grimm won’t necessarily be deterred by going down a burrow or changing skin color.

once a predator-prey duo has attracted grimm, the prey animal has two choices (they always do): fight or flight. they can either outrun the grimm (arguably only because the grimm will focus on the slower predator instead) or kill it.

in the case of the cheetah-antelope example, antelope are most likely to just get faster. grimm are just bigger, scarier cheetahs with better endurance to an antelope, so the antelope population will undergo selection for faster, stronger antelope.

cheetah are similar, actually: when it comes to conflicts with other large predators, cheetah rarely take it to a fight. they’ll walk away from their own kills if another predator turns up because they’re not at all built for physical contact. so in remnant, we’re looking at super fast cheetah and antelope.

however, there are other outcomes.

first, predators are much less likely to develop for pursuit over ambush in the first place. an ambush will very quickly resolve into a kill or the predator walking away to try again later. there will be fear, but it’ll be intense and quickly gone. pursuit predators take minutes to hours (to days) to wear down their prey and catch them, which is much more time for grimm to turn up. so wolves, who are quite happy to chase large prey for miles on end, are going to need to adapt to smaller prey who can be caught faster.

second, prey which have always been more inclined to fight than flee are going to face more intense pressure to be lethal. you don’t need to kill the tiger to get it to give up, but you do need to kill the grimm. so animals like elephants can’t just be big. once a mamma elephant gets scared for her calf, she has to be willing and able to kill about it. (in real life they start and often end with display charges. around grimm? probably not so much)

in comparison to real life, where we do have some generalist prey animals, remnant equivalents are going to be much more extreme. bison often run from wolves as a first response but stand their ground once chosen as the victim; in remnant this sort of mass herd panic would attract grimm pretty quickly. it’d be a much better strategy for bison to stand their ground from the get-go and consistently attack back.

as @mylordshesacactus just argued to me, there also won’t be any large herds. it’s very, very easy to start a panic in massed groups. much harder when there’s only 4 or 5 of you. so that’s interspecific conflict. what about conspecific conflict?

well, unlike with predation, you don’t need to fight members of your same species to survive. [citation needed] most fights between animals of the same species are over a resource, such as food, sleeping spaces--or sex.

i’m going to set aside squabbling over food. nobody wants to get killed for a haunch of meat, so predators have worked out ways to share a kill or scare off others without major conflict (or fear).

instead let’s talk sex.

in species where sex leads to conflicts (some species are monogamous, and others do flybys where no one gets too worked up), you’ve got two major strategies: male competition and female choice.

female choice is where males compete for the attention & sexual availability of a female. males don’t directly interact, and may have things arranged so they’re spread out over a small (or large) area. instead females move around until they find the male who suits their interests. this is particularly common in birds, where males compete to grow the flashiest tail or sing the prettiest song. then they pair off, boink, and incubate eggs.

this isn’t particularly full of negative emotions (it’s...hard to figure out what jealousy looks like in order to study it, so mostly what you’ll see is some amount of frustration) so not terribly interesting to grimm.

male competition is full of anger though.

in ungulates (hoofed animals), males butt heads, kick, bite, bang necks together, and otherwise have a huge fuss over who can assemble the largest harem. these conflicts are painful and violent. watch any david attenborough documentary for examples. while long term, these behaviors are motivated by the eventual access to sex, in the short term, they are driven entirely by emotions.

so we’ve got a herd of horses. (say a small herd, accounting for the first half of this.) there’s one dominant stallion, and a handful of satellite bachelors (zero to four depending on number of mature mares). when the mares come into heat, the dominant stallion is going to spend a lot of time a) stressing about the bachelors or b) running them off. meanwhile the bachelors are going to spend a lot of time a) stressing about the stallion and b) trying to fight him off.

(the mares won’t be too fussed by any of this.)

the longer this goes on, the more likely grimm are to show up.

here’s the problem for the males: it’s to everyone’s advantage for male-male competition to not be deadly. even the top male isn’t going to be top forever, and he’d rather not get killed off on his way out, because if he gets killed off, there goes any chance of sneakily reproducing later. so fights are DRAMATIC, they are HIGH OCTANE, and they very rarely escalate to physical contact. when they do, they even more rarely lead to death.

so while at the same time males need to remain non-lethal against other males, they need to escalate to lethal behavior very quickly when grimm show up. this is a tricky balance to hold when you’re worked up.

now, i admit that grimm are less interested in non-human animal emotions than they are in human/faunus emotions, and that some of these encounters are so brief that the grimm won’t arrive before they’re over. but evolution is a gambling game. it’s about many, many small transactions over years, and so it matters greatly whenever anything slightly increases the risk of a certain behavior.

if male-male competition is slightly more risky, then either a) males need to be better at killing grimm, but not to the point where they’re killing other males or b) there needs to be less anger involved.

it’s very very tricky, speaking as an animal trainer, to retain a behavior while neutralizing the emotion behind it. possible! but tricky. even trickier when there’s no trainer involved. it’s not enough for the fights to become less dangerous, because the grimm care about emotions. the conflicts need to be less intense, and that’s hard.

so instead of less intense conflicts, pivot to more readily lethal horses. (ouch) (sidenote: increasing traits in one sex will often lead to similar changes in the other, especially in species where males and females are largely the same. and it’s not like mares aren’t already interested in kicking the living daylights out of anything that displeases them...)

remnant horses, and many other ungulates, would be more prone to fighting over flight, because that’s a necessary trait during mate competition. since it’s very hard to shift strategies mid-go, males who are already fighting (non-lethally) can more easily turn to killing grimm than running away from them.

so what we’re looking at here is a world where social species live in smaller groups, where fights are more readily lethal but also easier to diffuse, and where predators trend towards patient stalks and short, fast kills.

and that’s without getting into the implications for farming and domesticated animals...

#rwby #animal behavior #whoops i meta'd

[the-starfleet]

I now got head cannons/brain child's/shenanigans/hijinks galore! and also an ass tone of questions... 

I can imagen Zip resting by Zeb's side in wolf form and Zeb just curling around him like a guarding parent. Zak maybe doing some stupid thing of seeing how long he can stay on Zeb for like a bull ride. Zeb maybe getting horse shoes and nearly bucking the person giving him them out of pain. Some play fights with Hercules and Zip. Ten Cents and Zeb racing. Zug turning fearful of Zip because his only experience of werewolves before is Hercules. Herc and Zeb having a calm moment of just talking, maybe trading stories about Zip and Ten Cents. Zeb actually coming up with a ton of puns based that he's a horse now. Zeb having a god awful time of having someone ride him for the first time let alone having a saddle on period. Zeb suddenly being really good at archery. Ten Cents and Zip's first date after Zip has been cursed, Zip transforms and the two just walk around the woods for a bit. An arc where Zeb and Zip go through deciding to join the Stars properly, for the sake of safety and also not hurting anyone in Zip's case. 

Okay, now questions (Feel free to ignore). What type of horse is Zeb? What was Hercules's reaction to seeing Zeb? Do they know that it was Captain Star who cursed them? Do Zip's and Zeb's bonds grow stronger? How was Zip's first full moon? What did he do? How did he prep if he did at all? How did the Z's first see Zeb? Did he try to hide it originally? Did he call out for help and the Z's just came in to see Zeb struggling to get up? What were their first reactions? Who did Zip tell first he was a werewolf? How did he himself find out? Did he just accidentally whimper or growl or something? How did Zug start treating Zip when he found out he was a werewolf? How did the others find out and start treating him?

That's all I got for now, hope I'm not being pushy, please tell me off if I am.

(cutoff so it doesn't get confusing-)

hmm...

i can totally see Zeb being a little overprotective of Zip (considering what happens with the Zeds) at that point, they both don't know what the hell happened but they're like this now. they gotta stick together.

i think Zeb would only tolerate Zak riding him for a short while until he gives up and tells him to get off.

in certain circumstances (such as when he's inside the Zero Marine building) he'll need them. but he prefers not to wear them if given the option, he just feels better not wearing them.

YES. WHAT MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER IS THE FACT I CAN LITERALLY SEE THEM AS THAT ONE VINE OF THE KITTEN TRYING TO ATTACK A LARGE CAT THEN IT EASILY GETS KNOCKED OVER

THAT'S TOTALLY THEM

zeb would totally win in that instance, he has four legs and tc only has two.

also horses are faster than deer so-

sounds logical enough. the other two are now scared of zip as well, because they have seen what herc is like when he's pissed. if zip was pissed, that'd be really bad.

herc may not have feelings for zeb anymore, but that doesn't mean they can't talk about the children they adopted. (basically "anyways my kid's a dog now" "mhm")

yep, pretty much. ("zip." "oh hi zeb-" "i thought i told you to stop horsing around." "..." "seriously, get back to work.")

the only crewmates he'd actually let ride him would be the Switchers, since he doesn't want to re-experience what happened with zak again.

he doesn't use the gun that he used to use and rather starts using a crossbow (and yes, the normal bow and arrows if needed) although he doesn't really do hunting anymore. since he became a centaur he kind of sees that hunting monsters is wrong, so he doesn't do it anymore.

MHM. they'd definitely have a date on the full moon at some point, it'd be kind of inevitable because they're working all day and are only able to see each other at select intervals.

here's the thing… they do actually join the Stars. Zip joins first and after convincing Zeb, there's only three Zeds left.

now it's time to answer questions-

he was like "...what the FU-" because it was a geniune surprise to him. but then he just joked about it and went "now that's just ironic- don't you all double as monster hunters? how the tables have turned." and all zeb can say is "shut up i don't know what happened"

answer to the first question can be found right here.

nobody knows it was Captain Star, not even his fleet knows. it was just assumed zeb was cursed by one of zero's enemies and zip got attacked, although both of them would've remembered if they were. that's the only conclusion they have so far.

it definitely brought them closer together, being the only two monsters of the Zeds brought a sense of trust between them.

i'm planning on writing about it at some point, but basically… he was about to go home then he was struck with severe pain, ran over to the Star building and called out for help, ten cents got him outside and pieced everything together, then zip started to transform so tc needed to get him to somewhere safe. he carried zip as far away as possible from the docks while he was transforming because he knew that wherever herc was, he'd be able to help out far more than he could. but while he was trying to find him, zip had fully transformed and attacked him. tc began to run away with zip chasing after him, casually screaming for help so who else to dive in and scare zip away but herc. zip indeed ran away but ended up being captured by zeb and zug, who locked him in his tugboat until they knew he turned back. the Stars on the other hand, all got tc patched up and let him stay with captain star until morning.

he was pretty damn worried that they'd find out so he didn't come out and purposely skipped out on the briefing (although he listened from inside the building) and didn't bother talking to anyone or coming out of his wheelhouse all day. but sooner or later they did find out- they were all shocked, (keep in mind this was before zip found out he was a werewolf) zorran and zak kept making snide remarks about him and the switchers just stayed quiet. they didn't know what to really do. until zip muttered that maybe zeb should kick zorran or zak if they made another remark, to which he laughed and decided he would. so he did and although they keep making said remarks, they make sure to never do it in front of zeb or the switchers. otherwise they'll definitely get bucked.

the first one to find out was tc, then the rest of the stars. although the whimper or growl on accident thing sounds like a good way for him to find out, he basically found out after he was told what happened the night he transformed.

when he found out, he was definitely scared. zip was now a monster that could easily kill him, he had to keep his distance. he didn't stop working with him, but he made sure to try not to piss him off on accident or do anything that might trigger him to transform or attack something.

they treated him really badly. because he was the newest, was dating a Star, and was now a monster (which they're supposed to hunt) this just pissed off zorran and zak, who already treated him really badly from the beginning. zeb (and a bit of zug) acted a little different towards him, zug was more distant but made sure to actually treat him like a friend (out of fear of him transforming) and zeb was the thing that kept him in line and prevented zorran and zak from even getting close to him. he was sick of their bullshit.

hope that covers everything!

#this is tugs #bigg city port #humanization #humanized #monster au #monster!au #long post #au #au time #alternate universe #thanks for the submission! #mutuals

[insupportofhatedanimecharacters]

Lanling is a good boy and person overall.

Because I cannot tolerate Lanling slander anymore. I might as well make another defense later but this is a mini defense. Who would hate this sweetheart?

First of all, I’m downright disappointed that LB3 was a mistake and that they treated his character like shit. He isn’t the only one. Liangyu, Yu, Xiang Yu, and literally everyone else is treated like shit.

I really don’t like how they treated my boy. Or anyone else who isn’t QSH for that matter.

But I really hate when people say he (Lanling) is outright evil or a complete asshole with no redeeming qualities yet will praise worse villains. He’s really not a bad guy. He’s just a man who wants his master to be happy. But deep inside, he doesn’t hate us.

The reason being is the fact that when Goredolf and everyone else in Chaldea was imprisoned, is the fact that he showed sympathy for both his master and for us. Yet people slander him like crazy. Especially on Reddit. For instance:

“I know I'll end up getting downvoted to hell for this but, of the 3 crypter servants shown so far Lanling in my opinion has been the worst and most boring one.

LB1 you've got Anastasia who had an interesting character she showed her cold noble side yet when alone with Kadoc she would sometimes show a sassy side or a sweet caring side. then you also look at her abilities she had style, she had ice magic and a badass snow beast guardian spirit (Viy).

LB2 you've got "Sigurd" who was a badass dragon slayer knight who hunted us down like the Terminator and was constantly kicking the crap out of us and nearly killed us a few times. then plot twist you find out it wasn't actually Sigurd in control but, a giant god of fire and destruction and the actual Sigurd was still  a badass Dragon slayer knight but, was also a friendly gentleman who alongside his wife helped us fight the evil god.

LB3 you've got Prince Lanling who for the most part was a pretty boy, yes man the entire LB who harassed us a lot but, really wasn't all that intimidating and constantly had to retreat and run with his tail between his legs. hell even his death sucked, he ended up dying being a glorified juice box with a pretty face for the angsty vampire with a fetish for the cyborg centaur wannabee dark souls boss.” (ironically, this post got really upvoted for the slander)

Anastasia (don’t get me wrong, I love her but this is the truth) outright hates us and wants us dead. She blames us for the death of her family. The entire human race. She is also responsible for killing and destroying Chaldea. Nonetheless, she and Kadoc have a good relationship and they get along like siblings.

Sigurd wasn’t written by Urobutcher so he got a good chance of helping us. Surtr, on the other hand hates us and treats his own master like trash. As for his master Ophelia, she doesn’t hate Mash so she has redeeming qualities.

Lanling is just a victim of his own story. Considering how Urobutcher treated Diarmuid, he has everything against pretty boy twinks. As for Lanling, sure, he harassed us and why did he do so? He was following orders. He isn’t the man to go against orders unless told to do so. The reason he wasn’t so intimidating is because unlike the previous crypters’ servants (for the record, Sigurd doesn’t count because Ophelia’s true servant was Surtr and the type moon wiki says that he’s only Ritsuka’s servant), he doesn’t outright hate us or want to kill us. The scene where he attempts to assassinate us but can’t bring himself to do so is proof of that and like I said before, he isn’t the man who wants us dead or locked in a cell with Tamamo Vitch. The reason he fought us anyway is because he’s a man who follows orders (and because that fox is a total bitch who annoys him too.)

The main problem is the fact that despite his somewhat good relationship with Hinako, she isn’t a good master and her team comps are terrible. Lanling with Guda isn’t weak at all, he is actually pretty badass and good at supporting us.

The reason his death sucked was because he was thrown out, nobody in the story cared about him, and he was basically treated as a punching bag turned into a plot device. Lostbelt 3 is terrible in my opinion because of how mistreated he was as a character. Not just him, but Liangyu was also shit on hard. If it ever gets an anime, it should have a writer who is good to all the characters overall other than QSH. QSH, while I do like them, they are the biggest creator’s pet in this lostbelt and thanks to them, no one else really got to shine except for a select few.

Honestly, I hate LB3 so much that I wanna make a fix it fanfic. One where Lanling isn’t treated like shit, one where Liangyu is conflicted with fighting alongside the emperor, and QSH is a male with his original design and never redeems himself because of how cruel he is. Yet so many people on Reddit are against this idea because LB3 is “good” to them. WTF? You do realize there are people who were disappointed with the ending for GOT for said reasons but when the story is by Urobutcher, it’s fine?!?!?!?!

Haven’t you forgotten Aldnoah Zero exists? That anime was a trash heap because all the characters who were supposed to die didn’t and were just there. No one really had any character development except a few characters. And it was written by the same writer.

Yet Urobutcher is a god when writing LB3 somehow.

I get QSH as a character, I really do. But I really liked Lanling (and everyone else but Tamamo Vitch) a lot more. The reason being is the fact that he’s got insecurities about his appearance, is shy and introverted, is most likely a crybaby, and suffers from back pain. He also loves horses the way I love other animals and not just horses for me. He is also not too bad with children (at least how I see it). Sure, he may not be the grand saber Muramasa but he was an important character to the story in my heart. Honestly, I hope he redeems himself in the story later on, considering how many characters did redeem themselves in the story.

I’ll definitely defend him for some of the newer reasons later.

#anti lb3 #anti reddit #anti r/grandorder #pro lanling #lanling wang #prince of lanling #gao changgong #defense #mini defense

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 105

The lovely room you’d woken up in didn’t include a side bathroom. Perhaps you were getting a little too comfortable to the five-star lifestyle. SHIELD usually had nicer places than the one you’d ended up in- wherever that was- but considering you seemed to have been pulled out by rogue agents (a bare summation that you’d put together yourself) and shunted to wherever this was, perhaps you should forgive the whole no-shower thing. 

It did, at least, have a sink. So while Tony was busy with a few things that you could only guess what they were, you turned your back on him to let him work and took a very minimal amount of time removing your shirt and gathering up a handful of paper towels to try and wipe the dried blood off your arms and the sides of your neck. It hurt to move around, still. You weren’t sure how long ago you’d been shot, or how bad it had been… it felt pretty bad. So much so, in fact, that even though you were tempted to unwind the bandages from your chest, you thought better of it. 

Whatever momentary peace you’d had was broken when a soft knock came at the door. It made you hurry to put your shirt back on with a small call, “Just a second.” Although Tony’s ire was sharper. “Occupied.” 

A literal second was all the person on the other side waited, you were barely fully clothed again by the time the door opened. “We’re running short on time.” As you looked up you saw Maria Hill, arms crossed. “We’ve gotta start making some moves.” Her smile at you was extremely brief. “Can you move yet?” 

Tony answered for you. “Enough to go home.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” In fact your grunt of pain suggested exactly that. “Where are we, anyway? What happened?” Things were understandably a little fuzzy. You might have asked Tony what he was doing there, or how he’d gotten here, too, but… seeing as you were glad to have him near, you didn’t particularly care. 

As Maria stepped aside, into the room, Steve was not too far behind her. “You jumped in front of a bullet meant for me.” He seemed… uncomfortable to say the least. And very solemn. 

Tony looked up at him. “Usually some gratitude applies. But I’m sure you’ll send her a note on some nice stationary when we’re done.” You couldn’t make out if he was angry with Steve. He’d have no reason to be- probably just misplaced.

And- the last voice you’d have ever expected to hear, brought up the rear of this little circus show, as Nat wheeled Nick-fucking-Fury into the room. She seemed injured, too. At least you weren’t the only one covered in band-aids. “We’re in the last unknown bunker. Off-grid.” 

“Oh.” You said, accidentally a little more loudly than you meant. “I died and went to hell. Is that it?” 

The laugh that left him seemed to hurt him at the same time, sending him into a soft coughing fit that put a stall in the room. “Good to see you, too.” But when he caught his breath and held up his hand, he directed a strange smile your way. “What was it I was supposed to say- you were right- and we’re personally destroying Project Insight?” 

“That supposed to make me feel better?” If you’d had any energy left, you might have growled this at him. 

Shifting back, Tony pulled a USB stick out of a laptop. “Payload’s ready. Shame we have to have three hands on the proverbial wheel. Would’ve been a lot easier to take out from the comfort of this lovely sewer.” 

Nick gave him a look. “If you’re gonna launch or unlaunch a project like this, you have to be very sure.” 

“I get it.” Tony answered pretty dryly. “Like simultaneous turnkeys to  launch a nuke- but hey- seems like you always knew exactly what this was, huh?” Anger successfully redirected. And to a person that deserved it. “That Zero Day on the backend is pretty cute. Also pretty useless considering you expected you’d need a present cocktail to activate it. Also not as hidden as you thought.” 

Fury rolled his eye. “We get it, Stark. You’re smarter than the rest of us. Now, if we could just move on to formulating an actual plan- we have to assume everyone on board those helicarriers is Hydra. The tough part isn’t inserting the keys, it’s getting past them to do it. And if we’re lucky we can salvage what’s left when we’re done.” 

“No.” You were surprised just how many people said this at the same time. But you didn’t wait for the silence to clear. “Let me get this straight- sorry I’m the last horse finishing the race here- so we have to get aboard all three of Project Insight’s helicarriers, insert keys with a payload- all at the right time- to try and take them down- and you want to take them back?” 

“Oh. I must have misunderstood.” Tony dropped the stick on the table so he could cross his arms. “Was that the plan? Sorry. I have a complete destruction order.” 

Steve waved a hand. “We’re not salvaging anything. We're not just taking down the carriers, Nick, we're taking down SHIELD.” 

This shocked you, if only a little. It was nice to have everyone on the same side- but to think Steve and Tony had talked, in your brief lapse of unconsciousness and recovery, about fully dismantling SHIELD? That was��� 

Fury was getting pretty upset. “SHIELD had nothing to do with this.” 

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Tony’s smart sass cutting the room. “Seems like SHIELD had everything to do with this. Negligence and ignorance don’t exactly scream innocence to me.” 

Steve shook his head. “You gave us this mission, this is how it ends. SHIELD's been compromised. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed.” 

Scoffing, Nick half turned to level an icy glare Steve’s way. “Why do you think we’re down here? I noticed.” 

Squaring up, Steve met him blow for blow, voice lowering. “And how many paid the price before you did?” 

You were grateful when Natasha stepped between them. “We don’t have time for another quarrel of ethics.” Then she looked right at Nick. “...and for the record-” 

Fury turned his head down. “You agree. Yeah. That’s the consensus, huh? We all agree?” Looking around the room then. 

“SHIELD, HYDRA, it all goes.” Steve giving the last order on this matter. 

                                                      ----

There was an very limited window to suit up- almost an impossibility for you, seeing as yours was extremely damaged. Tony had been working on it alongside getting those USBs loaded. He was nothing if not a genius- and a genius multi-tasker, at that. But even so… 

He looked a little beat up himself as he handed your Heart Reactor back to you. “We need a plan.” Not physically damaged- yet- but… for one reason or another pretty emotionally wounded.

Even though he pressed the device into your palm, he was reluctant to let go. From your position on the bed you looked up at him. “Isn’t that something we should do with everyone out there?” The team had left the two of you for some privacy, but it wouldn’t last long. 

And if it was time to start forming groups and figuring out who did what, everyone needed to be present for that. He frowned lightly, letting his fingers slip away from yours. “I did the best I could- given my extremely limited time, tool set, and inhospitable environment-” 

Trying to cut his grumbling off, you shifted off the bed, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. “I’m sure it’s fine.” Pushing the Reactor to your chest after. 

But he wasn’t able to let you go yet, as his hands came to your hips. “You know I’d never speak bad about my own work- but- it’s not enough. You get backed into another corner like that again- you might not make it out.” 

“Well- we have almost the whole team, right? It’s less likely to happen again-” 

“Be serious about this, for a second- and- that’s coming from me.” He was in that twisted mood he always fell into when you got hurt. When he had to come at the very end of a fight or a mishap, and you were in bad shape. It scared him straight to his core. It unnerved him, same as it made him angry. “You know I think you can do anything- and I know you won’t just go home- so can we please just split the difference and have you on civilian escort? These things aren’t going down without a fight, and there’s a lot of people in the giant radius we’re looking at that are gonna get hurt.” 

Innocent people, as always. That had nothing to do with any of this. And no chance to help themselves. No means, either. As fire rained down on them within seconds, without notice, and would trap them. Yes. Someone needed to be on civilian duty. You just… didn’t want it to be you. Not because you were above that sort of thing, you weren’t, that was one of the most important jobs there was. But… 

“I have fought with Nick and with SHIELD and with- probably all of this longer than I realized I was. And that guy, whoever the hell he is-” 

“We’ve got bad news on that front, too.” Interrupting you so suddenly that it cut your little rant short. 

“What now?” Who could it be? Who else could you possibly know that would make this a startling revelation at this point? 

“Haven’t heard the full story. But whisperings around the dingy water cooler out there are that it’s Rogers’ friend.” 

Alright. Not a startling revelation, being that you would have no idea who that was. But kind of… upsetting? Nervewracking? What was the right word here? “How is that possible?”

Tony crossed his arms after shrugging his shoulders. “We’re in a SHIELD sewer after Hydra just exploded out of the woodworks. Anything’s possible at this point, wouldn’t you say? Maybe he got a shot of the same serum. I don’t know. But the point is- this just got personal. So we should let Rogers handle it.” 

But this was just not convincing enough. One of Steve’s old war buddies? Back from the dead- now some crazy super powered killing machine? And going after Steve no less? Hired by the bad guys? There seemed to be a lot of missing pieces here. “You know- there are billions of people on the planet. Especially considering he’s also got a whole lifetime gap. Aren’t we doing the whole- thinking about a zebra when it’s probably a horse thing?” 

“I’m always of the mind to agree with you. But he seems pretty set on this.” “Then I need to talk to him before we leave.” The only way this would start to make any sense. It had to happen, anyway. While you weren’t entirely convinced he was someone Steve knew, you were sure you’d seen something… off about him. Then again. You’d been shot near point blank in the chest and had gone down pretty hard. It was hard to remember what you thought you’d seen. 

There was just a lingering feeling of something not being right. 

“Good luck with that. He could barely look me in the eye. He’s gonna give you the same flight plan. And probably skirt around everything else.” 

This was a fucking mess. And not exactly the right time to be in one. “You? Why? What happened?” 

Tony’s brows knitted before he aimed a dry look your way. “You walked directly in front of a bullet with his name on it- he said it himself. He’s feeling pretty rough about it.” 

There was a whisper here, almost too easy to catch: And he should. You tried to keep your own stare back not… judging or accusing, but… “Did you yell at him?” 

“Yell?” Almost as if he couldn’t believe you’d ask something like that. But as you continued to stare at him, not backing down, he broke, raising his hands in a sign of defense. “Not- I wouldn’t call it yelling- it was a very sternly worded ten minute monologue.” 

“And if he took a shot for me, you’d yell- sorry- ten minute sternly monologue at me, is that right?” 

His answer was quick and biting as he settled his hands on your upper arms in a soft hold, almost begging you to understand with the look he leveled your way. “Much as I like Steve- honey- I’ve known you far longer. And much as we’re all a team- you’re the one I’m worried about, at the end of the day. Because you’re the one that’s important to me. That I get to come home to, when things are settled. That I spend my time with. I didn’t come at him because you put yourself in a situation for him that he couldn’t get out of. Way he told that story- he has every right to feel bad about it. And if you’d died over it-” 

Sooner than either of you had realized, the grip he was holding you in had grown too tight, and you pressed your lips together once, reaching to soothe your hands up his chest. “Tony…” Softly, urging him to calm himself. 

It seemed to break him free of the dark storm cloud he’d been sucked up into. As he took a breath and relaxed his hands, he dropped his head, gathering his thoughts. His eyes were gentle but resolved when he found yours again. “Don’t ask me to explain why it upsets me- the danger you’re constantly in. You know why. I love you. And it’s not about doing the right thing. It’s that you had to make a choice. His life or yours. And he never should have needed you to do that for him.” 

Despite it feeling sort of… wrong to argue with him about this- especially considering how fragile he suddenly was over this, because it was you, you couldn’t bite it all back. This wasn’t Steve’s fault. “He thought it was someone he’d knew-” Right? That was why he’d frozen. 

“If Rhodey pointed a gun at me I wouldn’t just wait for him to shoot me, or for someone to step in front of that bullet for me-”

“You know Rhodey’s alive- if it’s someone that was supposed to be dead-” 

“What- how far you want me to go back- if my dad had dug himself out of his grave- I still wouldn’t-” 

“Alright- alright! Calm down- take it easy!” 

His words had grown sharp and almost terrifying. It was why you knew you shouldn’t have tried to argue with him- he wasn’t going to relent on this. But the darkness that had suddenly manifested was… not an easy thing to deal with. Reaching up, you cupped the sides of his jaw in your palms, easing him away from that edge. 

He took a breath. Stabilizing, almost. And then sinking into your hold on him, shoulders drooping. “Honey… I will sit by your bedside as many times as I need to. Just like you do for me. Because that’s what we’ve put ourselves in. That’s what we decided we were doing. But this was different. Shock or not. He picked a side, when the other side he was on was losing. And he’ll pick it again. I guarantee it.” 

“Why? Why do you think you know that?” Almost begging to understand why he was going in so hard on this. He and Steve respected each other. Got along. And even though you knew he loved you- so desperately so- that didn’t mean that this had to put a wedge in between things. 

As he almost slipped away from you, seeming like he didn’t want to say what he seemed to know, you held his face up. Not letting him escape. Leveling his gaze with yours again. Waiting. “I heard them in the hall, while you were out. Old buddy of Rogers- shows up out of the blue- working for Hydra. They’re leaning pretty hard on the assumption something’s not right upstairs- if it even is him. Who do you think they’re waiting to put in the ring again. On the off chance they’re right. Who do you think they’re willing to use as collateral damage?” 

It was quite a different feeling, your heart breaking over the mistrust of people you thought were friends. “Stop.” But it couldn’t be true. He was hurting. And maybe he’d heard some semblance of this plan- but this couldn’t be the whole of it. Nor did you think he would make it up. So the truth was somewhere in the middle. “We can just talk to them. And find out.” Which was your preferred method of doing things. Nobody ever won running whisper campaigns. 

“I’m not trying to start something. I’m just… doing what they are.” 

“And that is?” 

He answered with a startling conviction. “Picking my side.” 

“Tony…” It was as warming as it was unnerving. “It’s one guy. We don’t know anything yet.” 

You found a little relief as he nodded. “Yeah. I’m not trying to pick apart the team. I’m just… trying to make it clear. Where my loyalties lie.” 

At this- at the very least- you couldn’t help the twitch of a smile. “Never a doubt in my mind.” 

His head dipped in a little, voice lowering. “I will always pick you. It’s always you, for me.”

...at this, it was impossible to not let the unnerving part drift away and instead sink into the warmth, only, instead. His devotion for you touched you right at your core. Easing up on your tiptoes, and bringing him closer, you kissed him carefully, winding your arms around his neck, ignoring the quick spark of pain in your chest. His hands came to steady you, palming over your hips. While you wanted it to go on forever, at this point, having missed him terribly in that small time apart- 

There was work to do. And aside that, as you broke, you let him know quietly, “I’ll always pick you, too.” In the important things- the things where lines had to be drawn. That wasn’t now, you were sure. But… if there ever was a time… you and Tony were a team. Inseparable. 

That was the way it was meant to be. 

“I love you.”  A careful and sure murmur against your lips. 

One that was easy to repeat. “I love you, too, Tony.” 

#Tony Stark #Tony Stark x Reader #INY Chapter One Hundred Five

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

random Centaur Adora au slice of life ideas where everything’s the same she’s just half horse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Adora’s usually pretty good at not getting spooked but when she’s relaxed sometimes Catra’s tail twitches and Adora thinks SNAKE!!! and all four hooves leave the floor

This always made Catra freak out too and the result was always mayhem

Centaur Adora is literally as strong as a horse

Her chowing down on everything she can each in ep 2 is now partly bc she needs a heck ton more calories

At first Glimmer assumes Adora is a brand new kind of genetically engineered soldier the Horde is developing and won’t listen to Adora’s claims to be the only centaur she’s ever seen. This is the new main driver for bringing her back to Bright Moon even though this time it’s a lot harder, Glimmer is determined to warn the Rebellion and give them a sample to study/find the weaknesses of before the… cavalry… arrives

The fact that Adora didn’t just break free and run off is even more blatant since she could kill either of them with one kick to the head. Her not tramping them during the fight for the sword is also pretty obviously a deliberate thing and the first clue she’s not actually an evil jerk

Bow and Glimmer totally forget to hobble Adora btw. She wakes up and looks down at her bound hands and back at her four other unbound limbs just like ‘seriously?’

Thanks to her best friend never wearing shoes Adora’s really careful with where she steps, but not wanting to crush/get crushed is still the excuse they both use for Catra to spend a lot of time perched on Adora’s back

Before meeting Glimmer and Bow the only one allowed to get rides on Adora was Catra (and Rogelio that one time because no one else was strong enough to carry him)

Centaur Adora has the ‘nervous sleeping without friends’ thing and never gets used to sleeping alone so Glimmer just starts teleporting over right before bed

Glimmer draping herself dramatically across Adora’s withers

Bow LOVES braiding Adora’s tail and sometimes does that instead of stress cleaning (only with permission of course)

There are no other Centaurs on Etheria which really confuses Adora but the She-Ra mural is a centaur so she figures maybe there used to be more before all the fighting 

As She-Ra, Adora’s horse half turns white and grows to the size of huuuuge draft horse

Despite being half horse Adora never knew about horses in general and even after seeing one insists horses and Centaurs are completely different

The main difference is horses are just BETTER

Glimmer: How can you know you’re a Centaur and still NOT know what horses are?????

Centaur Adora: Nobody told me I was half horse! They just pointed at me and said ‘centaur’ and i heard the word and thought ‘oh well guess that’s me’

it turns out not knowing about horses is not actually a Horde thing

Catra, in thaymore: Uh, yeah I know what a horse is. who doesn’t?

Centaur Adora: I DIDN’T!!!!!

Catra: How could you NOT know what a horse is!? You’re entire butt’s a horse!

Centaur Adora: AAAAAAAHHH

aaand this puts a new spin Catra’s favorite catchphrase, much to Glimmer’s fury

Glimmer: She’s pronouncing it with an ‘A’, Bow. I can feel it

Bow: We have literally no way of proving-

Catra, @ centaur adora: Hay Adora~ >:3c

Glimmer, being restrained by Bow: SPELL IT ‘HAY’ AGAIN AND SEE HOW LONG YOU LIVE I DARE YOU!!!

Centaur Adora: what’s ‘hay’??

Adora freaks out a little when meeting Mermista since she considers them in same boat

After that Mermista starts going mermaid whenever there’s enough water around for it to be practical. She says it makes her water combat better but everyone knows she does it mainly just because of how Adora lights up every time she has a ‘hybrid buddy’

Visiting Plumeria awakened some old instincts and Adora almost poisoned herself trying to eat all the yummy flowers until Perfuma specifically made her an edible bouquet

Swift Wind thinks of Adora as his mom. His really really weird mom via like magic or whatever

Wanting the comfort of a herd was part of why Adora snuck out of Glimmer’s room in ep 2 when she saw ‘Horsy’ out the window

Obviously Adora can’t get rides on Swift Wind so instead he flies overhead with Glimmer and Bow and guides her as she runs. cue her complaining why the sword couldn’t have just given HER some wings too

Growing up in the high tech lift-based Fright Zone Adora never encountered staircases until joining the Rebellion. They are the bane of her existence. The only good thing Hordak ever did was build his evil lair without them

Centaur Adora laying down awkwardly to fit at the Rebellion’s council table

Later Glimmer makes sure her chair gets swapped for a pad so this isn’t so uncomfortable

Not only does Castaspella promise to make Adora a sweater she also takes measurements on her horse half to knit a matching blanket so she’ll be properly cozy

Adora pulls Glimmer and Bow onto her back in ep 2 while running from the monster and the rides never stop from there

When getting rides Bow’s very worried about making sure Adora’s not uncomfortable but he’s so nervous about it that he doesn’t hold on good enough and tends to slide off if Adora isn’t super careful

Glimmer on the other hand absolutely zero fear only glee when Adora gallops

She’ll also take any excuse wrap her arms around Adora so that also helps her never fall off <3

The two give Bow and Angella grey hairs by doing jumps and obstacle course races and other stunts whenever they get bored

Adora’s back, both human and equine, is speckled with tiny scars from Catra’s claws accidentally digging into her over the years bc Catra always refused to ‘sit’ on Adora, preferring to be always ready to jump off, paranoid Adora would stumble someday and fall and squash her, which you know, fair enough

Her new bed in Bright Moon is a problem for soooo many more reasons than just being too soft

Also, Glimmer never figures out how over a thousand pounds of Centaur managed to sneak into her hanging bed that first night

When asked Adora just shrugs hand says she’s a good jumper. Also Glimmer sleeps like a log

centaur Adora showing up in places no one who’s half horse should be able to becomes the new biggest meme of the rebellion

Since it’s physically impossible for either Glimmer or Catra to dip Adora while dancing they end up making her dip them instead, much to Adora’s complete confusion

Meeting Entrapta involves a lot of eager questions about Centaur physiology which Adora has no answers to and then a running catalog of all the ways Adora shouldn’t work despite somehow managing to until Adora is on the edge of an existential crisis

Glimmer hauling a hacked centaur Adora through the robot infested castle, drooping under the weight of her human half and praying Adora’s four back legs aren’t about to give out bc if that happens then they are f*cked

Entrapta also really likes lifting up Adora’s hooves/legs without warning to examine them and only Adora’s discipline saves her form getting kicked in the face

By the time of the prom Adora is so used to this she doesn’t even notice when Entrapta does it anymore

Also at the prom Adora sets aside the whole enemies thing long enough to go make a new hybrid buddy with Scorpia, who Adora counts in the club because one set of Scopia’s limbs are completely non-human

Scorpia is delighted to vent about how everything is built for people with fingers and arms that aren’t covered in a spiked carapace and listens sympathetically to Adora’s rant on staircases, even draws her a doodle of stick figure She-Ra crushing some evil steps under hoof  

Frosta is a dutiful host and uses her ice powers to make a ramp up to her throne so Adora won’t have to deal with a staircase of ice

She tilts the same ramp to get rid of Adora and Glimmer when they start annoying her later

Scorpia’s first time meeting centaur Adora: “Horsie~!”

Adora, the centaur, looking around hopefully: “WHERE!?”

#spop #she-ra #adora #centaur adora au

[nettlestonenell]

#nell consumes media fall2019

I’ve been on a bit of a watching jag of late. Here are some thoughts I had (films in separate posts)

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

I don’t know what it says about me (or possibly about the film) that I was a good thirty minutes into it before I got the “Cowboys and Indians” reference. For the record, several people I’ve talked to about it think it’s “Cowboys vs. Aliens”.

Here’s the thing. Hollywood just keeps remaking stuff. Casablanca 2020 is probably going to be a thing, you know? So this film, a mash-up between Westerns and H.R. Giger-style aliens deserves some cred if only because it’s not something we’ve seen on film before. *The film is based on a 2006 graphic novel

I was gob-smacked at the list of actors in it as they kept popping up on my screen. Clancy Brown, Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Paul Dano, Keith Carradine, Walton Goggins—direction by Jon Favreau. The Very Important to Me Adam Beach, and Sam Rockwell, proving as he so often seems to that no matter how small his part, he can work it like nobody else.

Full disclosure: I often love a Western. Horses and tumbleweed and vaguely gritty cast members—consider me here for it. I immensely enjoy The Quick and the Dead and you should too (just writing that makes me want to watch it again), and I will fight anyone who says that Antoine Fuqua’s 2016 Magnificent Seven wasn’t an eminently watchable popcorn film.

Good times.

Unlike the crew of Firefly’s Serenity, the Cowboys in this film are not from space, and have zero technology or understanding of the alien race that has come to study and exterminate them. This whole turn of events has them (and the nearby Indians) terrified and generally clueless.

All they have is a taciturn, ripped within an inch of his James-Bond’s-life Daniel Craig who’s sporting an alien arm cannon (he’s got amnesia and doesn’t know why). *note: ‘all they have’—c’mon, I have sat through films having far less than this. Craig somehow has enough chemistry with the camera to laser his way into being interesting even when he’s not actually been given anything to do. ‘Slow burn, barely verbal tormented man’ is Craig’s Sistine Chapel.

The film looks great, Ford is grizzled (more on that in a moment), we’ve got a lot going on and a good amount of tension. But though the aliens may be terrifying, they’re not at all nuanced. They never communicate with each other, or with the cowboys. They are literal boogeymen. The only alien the cowboys have access to is Olivia Wilde(!?), portraying what I can only assume was a character titled: Infodump. She’s an alien THESE aliens killed all of her fellow aliens on their planet, and she’s out for revenge and just happened to snag herself a human body to ride around on horseback in. There is a novel’s-worth of things about her unexplored—which gets especially disappointing as the script wants her and Craig to have sexual chemistry off the charts. We know nothing of how she got to Earth, if there’s anything for her to go back for, what revenge means to her culture, whether she is a she or whether gender even exists on her world (somewhat important, one might think, to explore narratively when she’s drawn to hook up with Craig—and he drawn to her). I won’t go on here, than to say for a character meant to power multiple plot points she’s...a face. That’s it--that’s all they’ve given her, a face. (Lucy from Timeless is treated no better, here, in her moments as the prior female in Craig’s life.)

A word about Harrison Ford: I have come to understand that I have to compartmentalize Harrison Ford in my life. As my dissatisfaction with what I know of how he’s treated people in his real life grows [The Princess Diarist, for one], inversely my satisfaction with the roles he’s been choosing to perform later in his life increases.

Ford has little cause in 2019 to care about whether critics and colleagues support the roles he chooses. He’s a beyond successful and wealthy actor, he’s got his Witness Oscar, he will likely become the most enduringly iconic male actor of this era.

And yet, I watch Age of Adaline (interesting premise boringly executed), and he is perfection in every scene he appears in (sadly, not enough). His appearance in that role gave that film any life it had. Like many of these later in life performances, it’s without glamour.

So it is in Cowboys & Aliens, as well. He’s not a nice character [and not like Han Solo who really is a nice character underneath], but he fits into the role, looks perfect in his kit and on his horse, and I was probably never so disappointed as when the script took a turn and decided he and his Indian-hating was to be moderately redeemed by the film’s ending.

Summation: Cowboys & Aliens gets mad props for everything technical. It’s clearly a 100 million-dollar production, and a new-to-screen unique story. But sadly, the script (by 5! writers, including Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Damon Lindelof) needed another pass, and the film could have likely been saved in its edit as well.

#cowboys & aliens #harrison ford #daniel craig #space western #movie review #nell consumes media fall2019

[calloutdicksjerksandthelikes]

Compliments

location: near Frankfurt, Hesse, Germany

Some years ago in September I went out around 1.30 pm to take photos of hay stacks a farmer had just made. Yellow on a blue sky. I walked into the agricultural space that extends in a size of roughly 4 km by 10 km around the city; almost all the crops were in, a farmer on his tractor was working a field at a distance of some 200 meters. No people, I noticed. I left the path to get closer to the hay stacks. I took photos. Then I noticed him. He was naked except for short, tight black boxer shorts, white sneaker socks and black sneakers; a black backpack. There was something about him that made me sense danger immediately. 

I am not someone who can sense danger well. But he was highly marked as danger. Call it animal instinct. He looked like a lot of trouble. The very short-cut hair did not conceal the air of troublemaker he exhaled. It was inscribed in his body, the finely toned muscles, the spotless outfit. A giant contradiction. This was not someone easy-going, proper, polished, educated. I looked around, still nobody anywhere in sight. I hesitated between running toward the farmer on his tractor , not knowing if I could get close enough before getting caught, and pretending I did not notice. So I settled for pretending I did not notice him and hoped he would just pass by. 

The next time I looked around, very carefully, I saw him coming toward me, he had left the path. I turned around and started yelling at him “Stop immediately!” “Do not come closer!” several times.

A smear in his face, he walked up to me. He stood at a distance of 10 cm, face-to-face. He said something, followed by an insult. He spoke non-native German with a mumble. The insult ticked me off. He turned around to walk away. I had a fraction to decide: take a photo or not. 

I decided to take a photo. He noticed. He raced back, pushed me to the ground. When I tried to fight him off, he sat on top of me and tried to take away my cell phone. Another fraction later, after I had tried to scream for help and he had noticed the farmer, I let go off the phone. The farmer would not be able to hear me, his tractor making a lot of noise. And I did not know how far this criminal psychopath would go, maybe strangle me? I let go off the phone. He took it, stood up and walked off. As soon as a safe distance emerged, I took off running for help. 

It took me less than 5 minutes to run to a house and get someone to call the police. It took the police an hour to come, on a weekday, daytime. Their excuse was that they “had more important things to do”. It would have been so easy to capture him, on foot, almost naked, in an open field, no bus, no cab in sight. 

Half a year later a police inspector came to my house. If I could help identify a suspect. He showed me a video still. There he was: almost naked, except for the black boxer shorts, the white socks and the black sneakers. Another day and month. He had done something worse to a woman in a pedestrian zone. He likely had done something a lot worse to a woman aged 18 traversing an open field years earlier. In the same time period he had insulted me, wrestled me down and stolen my cell phone, he had insulted women walking in an open space on two or more occasions. I told the officer that I had thought about the incidence, that I believed the suspect to be living here within walking distance; I argued that he is using the connection of two subway stops that are within city boundaries to avoid being charged the significantly higher fare for suburbs. The inspector was startled, then he demanded that I don’t think too much about it and not do anything about it. Suppression. Don’t make the police look dumber than they are. That’s why it takes so long to arrest a criminal.

At then end of the report taking, the policeman said to me that I should expect at least one of the charges against him to be dismissed. What? A cow deal? Where are we? Germany, a country were social harmony is valued higher than justice. He violated my constitutional right to my body, my habea corpus. And I am supposed to see him get away with less than he earned?!

Back then I posted fliers in public spaces offering a reward for any info that leads to his arrest. A few weeks ago I realized how right my hunch was about his clothing. I mentioned to the police officer then taking my report, that I thought his way of dressing very unusual, and I was mocked by my brother who had accompanied me. For years I had forgotten about the incidence, just to realize now how crucial that was: dress code and time of day. Somebody who does not work regular office hours. Somebody who routinely walks home from a more distant subway stop. I suddenly figured that he highly likely worked at a uni; and given that one incidence happened in a pedestrian zone, I know now which uni most likely. I visualize him walking to a subway station after work, via the pedestrian zone where there a plenty of distracted women; he chooses this path because he is foraging, it is not the closest subway station.  

They still have not caught him. No hurry, right, so much more important things to do. Just a few chicks complaining about indecent behavior, so what. A rape, oh come on, why didn’t that chick just take away his knife, right?

All the policemen I had to deal with in this case where male. One of them asked me why I had not attempted to scratch him with my finger nails. State of the art subject matter expertise, right? I reported that I believed the suspect did body toning. I had to explain to the policeman what that means. The policeman discarded it as him just being “young”. Let nobody look better than the average guy, German cultural mantra. Zero tolerance for individual differences.

Since when are women supposed to view it as a compliment when a man makes an unwanted advance? 

What kind of psychopath, other than a narcissist or sociopath, would make an unwanted advance or pass on a woman?

Call them by what they are: psychopath.

We women need to make sexual harassment socially unacceptable by calling it out. Don’t count on the police to resolve any of this, they won’t. 

No, it won’t go away. It does not matter how old you are or how ugly you are or where you live or what you do where and when.

Men like him need to gain control over a woman, even for only a second, to make them feel worth anything. That is how spiritually impoverished they are. They are the abyss. They are the scum of society. 

Women have lost ground every decade since the 1980ies, so don’t count on +time+ to take care of it. 

If you don’t let everyone know, you are on your own. 

Call them out for what they are before the law: criminals.

©calloutdicksjerksandthelikes2020

UPDATE:

I have kept thinking about how to launch a search for the suspect. With Covid-19, all business activity including unis have restricted access and canceled plenary meetings. I want to appeal to people to think of the 18-year old he raped, to think back if they knew or saw somebody around that time who fits the description.

In 2014 I told the police inspector that I think the suspect resides in Stierstadt, an eastern borough of Oberursel. I meant Stierstadt and the adjacent part of Weisskirchen, where there are high rises. It all happens in an area that can be thought of as a large triangle, with 3 rail express/subway stations on one leg, and the fourth station in the angle of the opposing leg. 

He raped the 18-year old in an open space that is adjacent to a subway-stop called ‘Oberursel-Stierstadt’. There are actually two subway stops with this name, one served by a streetcar, the other by an overland express train. In between these two stops, with identical names, is the open space field where the 18-year old was raped, some years before 2014. Now in 2014, when he physically assaulted me, insulted me and stole my phone, he traversed a huge open space connecting the streetcar station ‘Niederursel’ to the  station ‘Oberursel-Stierstadt’ which can be accessed on either the streetcar or the overland express stations. This is the area where he insulted women around the same time. Probably not a coincidence; after the rape, he might have avoided using his original destination, for fear of being recognized, rather than saving money. As I said to the police back then, he resides in Stierstadt or that western part of Weisskirchen that melts into Stierstadt. He uses a narrow connection across a village street to access one open space area from the other, like all the horsemen do when they ride their horses in the fields. 

The day he assaulted me, I hang up reward fliers at all the express rail and subway stations in the area, as well as all bus stops and supermarkets. What I don’t know is if he had already committed a crime at the express rail station ‘Oberursel-Steinbach’, the closest station to the high rises in Weisskirchen.

Back then it outraged me that the police were unable to find a man I was certain to live in Stierstadt, a tiny village of nothing, not even a high-rise, a village of older and newer single family houses with very few apartment blocks. All there is in this small village are two bakeries that have been there for decades. It is as dead-ended as any place can be. I had hoped in 2014 that a friend or family member would betray him to cash in on the reward. 

If I had not had so many negative reactions - from the police, from my brother - I would have continued to think about this in 2014 rather than now. Women get victimized and to make it complete, to ensure social control, men then make sure to invalidate their testimony, their memory, their perceptions. This is how women always end up on the losing end of matters, by systemic discrimination. 

I came across Europe’s-Most-Wanted yesterday and checked out the offenses and verdicts. One of the most horrifying discoveries: criminals with massive records of sexual abuse get less prison time than drug dealers. There is one guy with sexual abuse convictions for abusing dozens of children, and a verdict of 6 years total. He should have gotten 6 years for each child he raped. I don’t think anything speaks more clearly to the low status of assault crimes than the prison sentences handed out all over Europe. Something is profoundly wrong in a society where a sexual offender gets a much lower or even the same sentence as a drug dealer.  This is probably why the police are not really interested in sexual assault or plain assault cases; they built their careers on drug dealer arrests.

Update Q1 2021

There have been reported incidences of sexual harrassment in this town. A smaller man on a bike sexually harrassed women in an open space on two occasions. And a taller man, also on a bike, sexually harrassed women in an open space on at least four instances. All these crimes occured within a few weeks in Q1 in Oberursel.

Copycat crimes? Possibly. 

Cowards? Definitely.

Mysogenists or hate crime offenders? Absolutely

Catch them - trial them - jail them. Extradite them where possible.

[megacircuit9universe]

Times Change

WED JUL 08 2020

Trumps numbers... approval rating, and polling numbers in all the states that could possibly matter this November... are so bad right now that Trump has threatened media outlets, including FOX News, for posting the latest numbers, which he says are all fake.

He’s also been ranting on Twitter about how the upcoming election is going to be rigged, and doing speeches, such as on July 3rd at Mount Rushmore, in which he’s ranting about how liberals and Democrats are enemies of the state, including teachers, and the media, and that they’re all conspiring to end America and bring forth a scary dictatorship where conservatives will be persecuted and punished.

His little pal, Tucker Carlson, over on Fox... is running with that ball and helping to plant the seeds in the dysfunctional brains of his audience, that if Trump loses, it will be because the election has been rigged by a vast liberal conspiracy.

Well... if by, rigged, they mean... influenced by a level of Presidential incompetence so astronomical that nobody in the country can’t see and feel it quite painfully... and if by, conspiracy, they mean... a vast majority of voters have agreed to use their voting powers to vote him out of office... then, sure!

But what this all says... the warlike paranoid rhetoric against not just all races (it used to be just Muslims and South Americans) but all US citizens who would dare to oppose Trump... coupled with the cries of a rigged election to come...

...is that he know’s he’s going to lose.

And they know... he’s going to lose (his junta).

So, the best plan they can think of at the moment is to try and foment violence if he loses... in an attempt to intimidate the rest of us into backing down.  

Don’t you vote him out, or we will unleash our army of brainwashed morons to take to the streets with guns and torches blazing.  We will throw the biggest tantrum the world has ever seen.

But, after everything else we’ve been through so far... we’re not simply desensitized to the threat of more upheaval... in the case of this threat, we’re like, bring it on!

People are already in the streets standing up to walls of fascist cops in riot gear every night. You think anybody’s scared by the idea of a bunch of red hat idiots coming out of the woodwork with their shotguns and assault rifles?  We have shotguns and assault rifles too!

This is America... everybody has a gun!

We don’t use them on the cops, but if Backwoods Bob, or KKKarl wants to show up in attack mode, because they’re pissed off about the outcome of the election... shooting their asses in self defense is justifiable homicide, so let’s go!

Meanwhile, the Supreme Court and the Pentagon have already shown conclusively, in the past month, that they have zero loyalty to Trump.

BLM has brought together a huge coalition of not just white and black people, protesting and fighting side by side, but also Native Americans, Arab Americans, Mexican Americans, Puerto Ricans, Asian Americans, Jews, Amish, Wiccans and other Pagans, atheists, scientists, gay, straight, lesbian, trans, even some Christians, and yes, a not trivial number of Republicans.

Gen X was always there for the fight, along with a few Boomers, and a few Silents, but now Millennials are finally on board, as is... everybody’s celebrated new heroes... Gen Z!

Which brings me back to Tik Tok...

Tik Tok has been instrumental in bringing the above mentioned coalition together... though it took SARS CoV2 to be the catalyst that mobilized us against racism, fascism, and Trumpism, here in 2020.

As social media platforms go, Tik Tok has outmatched all of its predecessors... who were all, in their own ways, very impressive... from MySpace, to YouTube, to Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter and Vine.

It has old roots, being a merger between Musical.ly which has been around since 2014, and what began as Douyin back in 2016.  2018 was the year that what we now know as Tik Tok, was born, and quickly rose to the top of the app charts.

It inherited a huge user base of teenagers, but also filled the gap left behind by Vine, which died in 2016, and Tumblr, which was dealt a critical blow in late 2017, when it was sanitized of all explicit material.  

Ignored completely by the mainstream, Tik Tok was also blown off fairly aggressively by established YouTubers as a platform of vacuous content, of no interest to anybody above the age of 15, other than pedophiles.

 But when Covid19 hit the world stage in early 2020, forcing everybody on the planet to shelter at home, and grapple with boredom... Tik Tok went mainstream in a big way. 

It was the only social media app left, where it was acceptable not to wallow in depression and political defeatism (Twitter), not to be out shopping, globe trotting, or partying (Instagram) and not to be making long form videos in a professional studio with 100K subscribers and a Patreon (YouTube). 

This is when most of the millenials, GenXers, Boomers, and even Silents began to get on board... to have a go at finding their own niche in the Tik Tok universe.

And this brings us to the key to Tik Tok’s popularity... its algorithm.  

Well, its algorithm, coupled with an elegantly simple interface, and perfect upper time limit for videos... just over a minute. 

It takes only ten minutes, scrolling through Tik Tok videos, liking the ones you like, for that algorithm to start visibly tailoring your feed to what you want more of.  And over the course of just a day or two... doing this, and following whoever you’d like to see more of, even when they aren’t going viral on the For You page... you can quickly cultivate an addictive feed that you’re happy to scroll through for hours.

Some say it’s just a sinister ploy to keep you on the app, in order to steal your data but... all social media apps do that.  Tik Tok simply does it better.  It’s algorithm is superior to Twitter, Facebook or even YouTube, allowing you to tailor your feed on the fly in real time... if times are changing that fast... which they have been.

So, why the long love letter to Tik Tok now?

Well, this week, it’s suddenly in peril.  It’s been banned in India, could soon be banned in America.. and after losing those two massive markets... could just die.

It began with China passing a law last week that, for national security reasons, it needed to have access to all app data collected by all apps based in China... which includes Tik Tok, which is owned by a Chinese company known as ByteDance, headquartered in Hong Kong... the province which has been in a struggle to maintain what little autonomy it has left from the Chinese mainland for several years now.

India... which was recently embroiled with a border dispute with China that resulted in a military skirmish, immediately banned Tik Tok, for fear of their citizens data falling into the hands of Xi Peng.

But Tik Tok has an American CEO, who, in a move to save the app from getting banned in America, announced that the Hong Kong headquarters would be moving overseas.

That didn’t do much to calm the Trump administration, however... who have only just pieced together that Tik Tok was truly behind the disastrously low attendance of his recent Tulsa rally... and also a key social media channel for BLM and other anti-Trump movements to organize and coordinate (and one they can’t penetrate and manipulate, as they did with Facebook and Twitter four years ago).

So now, both Trump and  his Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo have gone on record saying they’d like to ban Tik Tok in the United States.

It’s not clear yet if this ban will actually happen, though it seems likely.

It’s even less clear how a ban in both India and the US will affect the fortunes of Tik Tok.  

VPNs will make it possible for users in both countries to continue using Tik Tok, so... over the short term, it will remain accessible... at least to those hardcore devotees who have come to rely on it.

But, barring a massive sea change in the general popularity of VPNs... which is not out of the question, in these increasingly authoritarian times around the planet... the loss of most of the two biggest markets could cripple Tik Tok.

People say, What about supply and demand?

Well... the most likely fate would be for Tik Tok to be bought out by a non-communist company, say a US company like Google, or Amazon.  

That’s been the trend for over a decade now.  Yahoo bought Tumblr.  Twitter bought Vine.  Facebook bought Instagram, etc.  But more often than not, in these cases, when the hugely popular platform gets bought for billions by the big corporation... the big corporation drops the ball and drives it into the ground.

YouTube being bought by Google is probably the least dismal of these examples, but YouTube is nothing like what it was back in the early twenty teens, when it was a platform for anybody with a web cam in their bed room to talk to the world, and get famous.

But then again, this IS 2020...

Tik Tok has redefined the entire dynamic of social media, at the same time that SARS CoV2 has drastically altered the global economy... meaning that the twenty-teens model of both things, and how they work together... could well be out the window by now.

And this brings us, in tonight’s final analysis, to a fundamental truth that Trump, for all his diabolical plotting to game the 2016 campaign process... has failed to plan for.

Times change.

Twitter was the shit back in 2016, wasn’t it?  What a brilliant move for a dark horse boomer candidate turned President to troll the shit out of it every goddam day for years on end, right?

Well, he’s killed Twitter now.  The whole universe, as it was in 2016, has disintegrated... in no small part thanks to Trump’s abuses, neglect, and incompetence.

But also just the march of history... climate change, global pandemic, technological breakthroughs, economic upheaval, civic unrest, etc.

They like to say those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it.

I say... those who ignore the future, get eaten by it.

Tempus Edax Rerum.

Time consumes all things.

[millennium-hearts]

Joyride of Your Life

Marik felt his heavy heart flinch as he heard his bedroom door be slammed but continued his confident, angry strides out his apartment door. Had he been looking for a spat between himself and Bakura? Not in particular. But he was looking for a fight and he knew it.

After sulking through the dark corridors, he arrived at an abandoned warehouse- the one next door to the one he used to forcing Bandit Keith to duel Yugi. There was still scorch marks on the outer walls of the building, but years had passed since that fated duel happened. A duel which gave Bakura his opportunity to take his next step towards revenge.

Marik shook his head, he wasn’t in the mood for romantic thoughts. He just wanted the biting cold air whipping his skin as he speed through the winding trails outside of Domino on his bike. He looked up at the lonely shack of a building, broken windows from punk kids throwing rocks at it lining the second story. The same old tags were marked by gangs outran by his rare hunters, or converted depending on if “Steve” was written on their birth certificate.

Marik reached underneath one of the window sills, pulling out two long pieces of metal that was hidden inside the cracks between mortar and glass. It was rusted and dirty from being weathered all this time, but at this moment Marik couldn’t care less. The tomb keeper made tracks around the building to a metal door, dipped down, and began to pick at the lock with his makeshift tools.

With a loud, hair-tingling screech, the warehouse door opened. It smelled moldy, drafty, and like diesel in the building. Looted crates spilled over each other. In the corner was a table with old documents for name changes dissolved by rain, flipped over and left to rot. Marik purposefully strode to another door and grabbed onto a thick, meaty chain. Pulling the chain, with a rapid, droning roar, he opened the shuttered door, revealing a new room. 

Marik’s heart began to quicken, thunder beginning to boom in his chest like seeing his first love. Which was exactly what was happening. Locking the chain in place, Marik almost jogged to the room, gliding around crates, tool boxes, and eventually to a mound covered up by a tarp. It was dusty in here, but spared from the cruelties of the weather. Lifting the tarp, the sheen of chrome and leather were slowly revealed.

His beautiful cruiser- the same he had rode into Domino for the first time. Marik smiled softly, rubbing his hand down its body. “Hello, baby. Did you miss me? It’s been a little while... Have the Steves been treating you well?” His heart swelled with pride and joy as he fully removed the protective covering. He sighed, gripping the handle bars, closing his eyes, biting his lip. He saddled it, reacquainting himself to the smooth curve of the seat, the power of the handle bars stretched out from him. He felt like a kid again. Marik dug out the key in his pocket and placed it in the ignition. With the press of the switch, his childhood dream growled to life. 

Marik began giggling to himself, jumping on the seat slightly. This was EXACTLY what he needed. Letting it warm up, he briefly searched for his helmet and readied himself for the ride.

The roar of the engine bounced off the cliff rocks as Marik sped down the highway, the power of the rocket under his butt making his feel alive- dignified. The Pharaoh, the socks, the fight, work, whatever it was is dissolved as he pushed his anger into the throttle. The fresh mist of the sea and cold air stung on his face and he was loving it. Marik began to laugh, feeling the power coarse through him again.

Twisting through the turns, Marik thought nothing of it until-

“WHOOP WHOOP.” In his side mirrors and by the gleam of the chrome, red and blue lights flashed in his eyes. 

“Frig! GREAT- this is just... perfect.....” Marik rolled his eyes, finding the shoulder and actually pulling over. “Friggin perfect- all I needed in this Gods-damned shitty day,” he mumbled to himself, adding more curses as he heard the crunch of an officer’s boots draw nearer to him.

“License and registrations,” a familiar, nasally, slow drawn out voice said near his ear. Marik spat another obscenity and looked up, displeased and riled up. “Oh, well if it wasn’t Marik Ishtar. Ha! You might have got off lucky last time with your butt-buddies but you won’t get off so easy now!”

“Well, if it wasn’t the fan fic police,” Marik began mockingly. 

“I see you weren’t dumb enough to forget. What happened, lost your ears?”

“We told you once and I’m not going to say it again- THAT was for CHARITY.”

“Uh-huh. License and registration.” Marik rolled his eyes and leaned over to retrieve what he needed in the side compartment of his bike. “You understand why I pulled you over, right? You were clocked doing eighty-five in a fifty mile per hour zone. Plus that helmet looks ridiculous on you. I’m going to have to write a citation for that.”

“Bull CRAP!” Marik yelled, hand still in the saddle. “This was the only helmet the animator’s let me have- and it was to show my beautiful face!”

“Everyone knows that excuse is dead, Ishtar. It’s as dead as your parents and your career as a villain.”

“EXCUSE ME!?” Marik roared. “I’LL have YOU know that-”

“-Save it, everyone knew it was over when you submitted to the duel with the Pharaoh. You pulling over for me only beats at the dead horse.” Marik clenched his teeth and seethed in rage, still in the midst of his search.

“Now be a good water-downed ex-villain and- What is THAT?” Gold glowed from Marik’s hand as he found, not his papers, his Millennium Rod.

“You want to run that by me again? Because I think I want another rundown. That’s what you do in law enforcement, yes? You put people on trial?”

“Well, actually that’s the ju-”

“SHUT UP-” Marik growled. He chuckled sinisterly, smirking at the officer as his eyes burned daggers into him. “In Ancient Egypt, those who died had to be judged, and it’s NOT pretty,” Marik said, his voice becoming overly polite. “If your heart weighs more than the feather of Ma’at, you’d be devoured.”

“Guess who’s about to figure out what that’s like? Believe me- it can only be one of us, and your bets aren’t looking good.” His grin widened. “And the animators don’t allow guns in this world- not unless you pay some GOOD money. Money a policeman’s salary can’t afford.” Marik’s rod was revealed, radiating like golden fire.

“Oh my God- you can’t-!!”

“Of course I can. ESPECIALLY if it’s off-screen,” he grinned.

“NOOOOO-!!!!” With the cut of black and the sonic roar of magic being cast, the scream was cut off.

“Well. That happened,” Marik said, staring at the body. He tucked the rod back into his pants loop. “Note to self- first attempt at Firaga Burst was successful.” Marik breathed out, feeling successful again as a villain. Pharaoh who? Marik began to laugh, staring at the charged swirls of smoke coming from the ex-bully from Season zero and Season one. “Woooooh! What a night,” he said, taking off the helmet, fixing his hair. 

“Whoop Whoop!” Marik froze, hearing the sound of another police siren. Backup!? Marik looked back, seeing the police car park behind the second motorcycle. “Shit!” Marik started his ignition as he heard the police man get out and discover the body laying in a husk on the ground.

“Hey- wait!” he called out to Marik. But Marik was already clutching at his throttle, tearing into the shoulder and burning rubber. “Officer down! I need back up on the east coast highway outside Domino City!”

Marik’s bike roared. He threw his head back laughing gleefully. “You won’t catch ME, coppers!” He felt adrenaline pumping through his body like the nitrous. Rushing past the ocean, it didn’t take long before there was a car chase following behind him. “Okay- if THAT’S how you want to play!”

The sirens screamed, echoing off the cliff side as Marik cranked it into high gear. Should this be his bike in Cairo, there was no way they’d catch him. Unfortunately, the cruiser was not his sport’s bike. Marik frowned, heart thundering in his ears as they caught up with him. Blocked from the sides and the back, it didn’t take too long before he saw the blockade ahead of him.

“Oh Ra- Oh Ra- Oh Ra- Oh Ra-!!!” he began to panic. He was going too fast to slam on breaks and there was no where else to turn-! “What do I do-!?” Marik screamed. But the rod glowed. “Alright- alright, if that’s the case, let’s do this!”

Marik took the rod from his pants and stretched it before him. He had one shot. Feeling the darkness swimming within him, he opened the portal to the dark corridor, right in from of the blockade. “Here goes-!” Marik held his breath and punched the throttle, shooting forward. The black mist raced towards him, and with a scream Marik tore into the dark corridor, the roar of sirens and engines behind him suddenly cutting off as he ripped into the other dimension.

The patterns of the Nobody’s sigil swirling around him were like white blurbs as he screamed through the corridor. His bike bounced, the paint and chrome corrupting from the exposure to the darkness. His breathe being hitched in his throat, Marik skidded his way through and out of the dark corridor. 

A bright light enveloped him and as he braked, tearing into the Grey Area of the Organization. The window of the lounge rushed to him as he braked hard, ripping up the floor. 

Marik panted, the bike having stopped barely a foot away from the window, stopped by the claymore of a certain pissed off Organization member. Marik was on the floor, looking up at the golden, furious eyes, and was suddenly in the air. Being shook by the collar of his cloak, the x-shaped scar almost burning in Saix’s forehead, Marik felt like he had whiplash. 

“HOW. DARE. YOU. CAUSE. A. DISTURBANCE. ISHTAR!!!!” the man yelled, throwing Marik across the room and onto a white couch, flipping it over in the jarring crash. “HAAAAAA-!!!” The Luna Diviner screamed, charging at Marik, claymore raised. Marik’s head spun- rod on the other side of the room, defenseless-.

CHING!

“Whoa whoa whoa, there, buddy. We don’t attack friends like that, do we?” a calming, yet sarcastic voice said. A voice with a surfer’s laid back personality. Standing above him was the old croon, Xigbar, his sniper crossbows halting Saix’s claymore directly. “So how about we all calm down and- HUUUGH-” Xigbar was sent flying as Saix punched him in the jaw. The claymore swung again, up in the air.

Marik, still stunned, began seeing his life play before his eyes. Shit, and he never made up to Bakura.

“AAAAUGGGGGHHHH-!!!”

“Stop.”

The air felt the same as if Hell froze over. In the room stepped The Superior- Number One- Xemnas. Saix didn’t move, his weapon overhead still, ready to crash onto Marik.

“At ease, Saix.” With the command, Number VII did as he was told. Marik groaned, rolling his head back on to the white tile. Xemnas took in the damage of the sight around him, curiously noting the bike sprawled at the edge of the room. He shook his head. “Will this chaos not rest?” he muttered to himself, sighing. He placed a hand on Saix’s shoulder and stepped in front of him, looking at Xigbar and Marik.

“Will SOMEONE please assist us,” he sighed, as if his expectations were already lowered. In the blink of an eye, higher classed Nobody appeared and began lifting the unconscious Xigbar up and out of the room, disappearing into the swirling black corridors. A few came to Marik, too, who also felt like blacking out after being hurled into furniture. Unlike the Shadow Game, Melvin wasn’t here to help him out of this.

“Xemnas, I can explain-” Saix began just to be cut off with the raise of a finger. 

“Everyone here will be suspended until a council decides otherwise.”

“But I-” Xemnas cut a glance to Saix which shut him up instantly. He pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Someone take Ishtar to the infirmary. And block off the Grey Area.” Xemnas glared at the wrecked room. “If I could feel, I would be furious at this,” he mumbled to himself.

Marik moaned, being picked up and hauled off, following behind Xigbar. Before he knew it, he was laying in a white bed in the same looking white room as any other place in this castle had. He rubbed his eyes, sitting up, wondering how the heck he got to this point.

“Oh geez,” he muttered. “He’s going to have a fit about this.... Uugh,” he said, flopping back over and closing his eyes. At least he could use the time to rest up, though.

And of course, reflect upon his victory of icing off the fan fiction police.

But was it worth it? He’d figure it out later.

#drabble #long post

[movietweets]

Thor

Okie dokie, here we go one more time (obviously we’ll be doing it more times than one more) for another MCU film. This time I’ve got a jar of delicious greasy olives to hand and I’ll be watching Thor (2011). 

The only difference between this and other tweet-alongs is that I’m actually not going to tweet it! Yeah... I know that’s not really allowed but screw you! I make the rules and I prefer this format with the pictures and everything all at once.

Also since starting this I’ve lost 5 followers. It means almost nothing to me but I don’t want to be an annoying pest and I can see how filling up your timelines with endless tweets about a film you’re not even watching could get irritating. So suck it up, this is how it’s going to be from now on.

Anyway, on with the show.

What’s this? A rag-tag band of misfits in a van! If only they had a dog it could have been Scooby and the gang! They even have a Velma.

Daphney’s on point but looks like something awful happened to Fred. So sign of shaggy or scoob yet, no doubt they’re off somewhere making unrealistically tall sandwiches.

Oh, but maybe they’re baddies... they do appear to have a bomb,

Whoops, things aren’t going so well for them now. I’m having twister flashbacks!

Damn! Did they just hit someone? Maybe they are baddies...at least they got out to try and help. This has a sort of teen horror movie intro vibe to it. I’m sensing that they all might die soon. 

Oh now we’ve jumped back in time and now its a history documentary, That was unexpected! 

Oh not these guys from Game of Thrones! Is this set in Westeros then? Even the music is a bit like the GoT intro music.

Okay, this is a wackiest one yet, two alien races (that nonetheless look roughly humanoid) are having a war together on earth (of all places). It’s a little bit lord of the rings too. I’m having all kinds of feelings here. 

Asgard: also known as Organ pipe city.

So what? Fight to the death? My money is on the blond kid, the other one looks like the jealous villain type. 

I guess he did win then...Look at that cheeky wink. Although, I think it was aimed at his mother? Maybe that’s normal here. 

Healthy Asgardian flirting with mum

Alternate cast of The Lord of the Rings

And that guy dressed in jealous green must be his brother from before. Man he looks bitter. I bet he turns out to be the main baddy. These films have a track record of introducing the baddy within the first 10 minutes and I get the feeling it isn’t going to be Velma or any of the Mystery Machine bunch.

Oh Heck! Its an icy man! They’re baddies too!

Ooo, don’t piss off King daddy!

He’s such a sneaky snake. If only Thor didn’t have such an ego. He’s like Norse Tony Stark

Typical Gimli, in the room for 5 seconds and already grabbed a massive plate of food. 

Roadtrip! 

Why are they riding horses though, isn’t this world super high tech? Come to think of it, why are they wearing armor and fighting with swords? Don’t they have laser guns? Even that bloke from Ironman, living in a hovel in Russia, managed to cobble together a laser weapon. What gives!?

Idris Elba! Oh I hope he’s a main character! Looks like he needs a rest though... his eyes are pretty bloodshot.

Is this where rainbow road from mariocart is set? Or is that some kind of future techno-path?

Ideally I’d like to make some clever comment about this transportation sphere thing but its just too bizarre... Who know’s maybe this is what alien technology is like?

Hold your breath guys!

Could have said something earlier Asian Aragron! No use piping up now with your doubts!

Yep, I’m sure he’s going to back down now. He seems like the backing down type to be honest. Not a hot head, just easy going Thor, trying not to upset anyone.

Nobody calls me a woman! Even though there’s nothing wrong with being a woman. I’m not a sexist demi-god, really I promise! I know literally every other religion has a pretty bad track record but I’m different... It wasn’t what he said, it was the way he said it! 

Daaaaammnnnn! You got burned son! How you gonna let him front like that?

Oww! You got me right in the hand! No fair! And down he goes like a premiership football player. 

Cool hammer trick, I wonder how he does it? Magnets? It’ll definitely be magnets. I’ll bet it’s magnets.

Oh no! Frostbite! I’m sure there won’t be any long term consequences though.

Why is he only pulling out that attack now? Also, great wrist action, that must come in useful... Some friends he’s got though leaving him there to fight alone.

Another neat trick...This guy is a demon with the hammer.

Okay, now this is just hammer porn.

How many legs does that horse have? Is that part of the mythology?

Uh oh! Somebody is going to be grounded when they get home!

Isn’t Thor the god of lighting? If Final Fantasy has taught me anything about elemental damage its that he should have gained HP from that taser.

He’s going to end up in an institution! Hasn’t he worked it out that he’s on earth yet? They all knew about earth earlier.

Here’s Johnny!

I guess you’re not going to be crowned King Arthur.

Told you! That’s it buddy, you’re in the system now. Your only hope is a Native American smashing a window with a water fountain. 

Wow, Portman really has a knack for running this guy over.

HMB I’m going to get me a kingdom. 

Okay party’s over. Agent killjoy is here.

Yeah, real subtle Portman! I know he’s got a pretty ripped body though so I don’t blame you for acting like a school girl.

Oh surprise, surprise! Sneaky snake bro is a sneaky snake.

I’m blue dabba dee dabba doo. He actually might be that guy from X-men though. 

Stolen avatar baby. Again this seems familiar. Right George R.R. Martin? 

NO! DADDY!

HAHAHA! This guy is worse than Hulk for smashing.

How much did Zuckerburg pay for that totally unnecessarily distraction from the scene.

Oh she’s totally smitten. He’s everything a girl could want: brutish, zero social awareness, no money but really confident and with a killer bod. It literally makes no sense though, she’s a total babe but has to wait for a mental patient to literally fall from the sky to find a man. Has she even tried Tinder?

America! Land of freedom! They’ll steal your stuff and there’s nothing you can do about it...

Apple? you too? Aren’t you setting enough Ipods already? It’s 2011 for christs sake. I swear Velma is only in this for the product placement. 

The king is dead, long live the king. He’s like one of those co-workers who suddenly becomes a dick when they get a promotion so supervisor.

Good thing she turned up, that guy looked like he was about to show him to the back-room bestiality ring he runs on weeknights.

She’s doing some pretty impressive mental gymnastics there to even consider that he might not be completely bonkers. 

Is this a theme starting to emerge, ignoring daddies instructions?

Why does he need to go in there at all, that’s my question. we’ve already seen that he can use his magnet hands to summon it from a distance. He could have done that from up on the hill and then flown them both the hell out of there before anybody knew what was going on.

Gun or bow and arrow? 

Hmmm... I’m feeling cocky today.

I knew it was magnets! 

He just said it! Right there!

Oh, what a let down. He’s fucked now.

No use crying over impossible to pick up hammer. As they say.

Who’s this Robin Hood guy anyway, obviously not just a random grunt or he’d have gone with the gun and would probably be dead by now.

What is snakeboy doing here? It’s all your fault but don’t blame yourself. This guy is a sociopath.

I think my eyes just nearly rolled out of their sockets. Absolutely shameless.

Okay MUM!

Earth Daddy is a rebel after all. CHUG THE BEER, GET IT DOWN, DOWN IN ONE, DRINK IT ALL!

Of course it was all him all along. Sneaky snake.

MY VOICE IS RIDICULOUSLY DEEP AND RESONANT!

Just having a chilled night in with a good book and some ‘Go Lean’ Cereal! 

Oh! Heaven forbid that he see your cereal!

Greedy ginger Hagrid is always stuffing his bloody face!

“Don’t you DARE fat shame me!” 

Everything in Asgard is so serious and stern. Don’t they ever just chill?

So that’s where crop circles come from! It’s just the Norse gods popping in for a visit. Technically it is aliens then I guess.

Final boss? It does look like something from Dark Souls. 

Oh cool! Cosplayers! 

Just act natural guys...

Not dinosaurs? I it could happen right? Wouldn’t be the craziest thing to have happened in this film so far.

Oh no its just Norse Ironman. Eat shit Tony.

Just like in the wild west... but seriously, why hasn’t Norse Ironman used his face cannon to finish the job yet? He’s wide open!

Wow, that worked?

Psyche!

Oooofff!

He’s not going to have died though is he... lets get real here. Something is going to save him.

There we go space daddy’s tears made a massive hammer fly out of the sky and electrocute him back to health. 

Saw that coming a mile off, its straight out of the superhero user manual.

Can you really hit fire with a hammer?

It’s not exactly what you’d call comfortable though is it.

What a melt.

Really, all that tension and you’re only going to kiss her hand?

Finally.

WHAT? Double, double cross!? Such a sneaky snake but it won’t help you once Thor gets here.

What’s the big deal about frost giant genocide? They’re obviously evil! Just look at what they’ve done north of the wall already! They’ll eat Danarys! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

How come it doesn’t just crush straight through him if its so heavy?

That was lucky. These superheros always get lucky.

Nice shot. This film has been surprisingly good quality, I think its the first one that I’ve really enjoyed the whole way through. Even despite its ridiculousness!

No surprises at who’s tucking in at the feast!

Awhh Daddy is finally proud of you. What a tear jerker.

Alright, lets see what happens in the after credits scene...

Oh its earth daddy and nicky the patch! Take a look at my energy cube? Oh no! who’s that in the background?! Not snakey snake bro!

The End.

Well I didn’t hate that one. I didn’t hate it at all. Tune in next time for Captain America. It’s one that I’m particularly looking forward to hating every second of. Bloody America man! 

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