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joyflameball · 5 months

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I’d like you hear your rant on the encore cuz my feelings on it are mixed

I'm really, really conflicted on Encore, because like. There's a lot of stuff that I like about it. I like the insight into Charlie and Maxwell's relationship. I like seeing the eighth William Carter puzzle animated. I like Wilson (the survivor who knows maxwell best) realizing something's not right at the end. I like seeing the other survivors worried about Maxwell. I like Maxwell having to confront his past.

And I don't hate Maxwell being a double agent. I don't hate Maxwell going bad again for a bit. It makes sense for Maxwell's character. He absolutely has guilt over what he did to Charlie. He hurt her deeply, got her killed, and is the main reason she was transformed into the Night Monster.

And hell, I'm not against there being a double agent! I'm not against showing Maxwell's guilt! I'm not even against Maxwell going antagonist again at some point! I'm not against Charlie being manipulative! I'm not against a lot of the individual choices in Encore!

I just... don't like how it all came together. And my main complaint is that I really dislike what this did for Charlie's character.

Because like. Okay. Charlie hates Maxwell. In the game files, there used to be these quotes from her showing her resentment towards him. "Pride... Arrogance... Conceit... / This was your fault... / You did this..." And in her play, Maxwell is cast as a cruel monstrous tyrant hoarding magic for himself. She despises him for what he did to her, for dragging her into the Constant, for ripping her away from her home, her life, her family.

So here's my question. why in fuck's name is she dropping all that hate to team up with Maxwell again?

And like- you can say she's just using him to get to the team and get them out of her way, just using him as a double agent for now. You can argue that. Okay. Yeah. She's being clever and manipulative to get a double agent in the team.

But if that's the intention, it fails, because she's... really not being clever at all. Maxwell is literally the only one with a checkered history with the survivors, the one who dragged most of them here. He literally put Wilson through horrible trials and Wilson tried to beat him up for it. He is literally the least trustworthy of everyone there.

If Charlie made her choice of a double agent out of pure calculated logic and not out of an emotional place, then this is just bad writing. Because they'd have been trying to make her smart, when Maxwell is literally the stupidest fucking choice possible. Wilson immediately realized some shit was up with him. It's not clever of her, it's just. GIRL WHAT???

Okay, but you could also argue that her emotions towards Maxwell are clouding her judgement, because she's got conflicted feelings towards him. After all, she's implied to have been in love with him at some point. She loved him once, but at the same time she resents him for what he did.

Which, yes, that is also interesting and wonderful and I wish that was actually explored. Because from what I've seen, Charlie goes from "I fucking hate Maxwell so much I hate him I hate him he DID this to me he got me KILLED" to "Hey Maxy <3 Quit the survivors :3 Join my emo band :3"

Her being conflicted about Maxwell is never shown. We've never seen a moment from her where she's torn between love and hate for him. The closest we see is when she appears to him in Encore, and her face goes from this furious glare to a calm smile. That's it. That's all we've got. She doesn't even appear conflicted when putting the Maxwell chesspiece on the board, she just grins evilly. We see no conflict behind her, no depth. Just her being an evil queen.

(This is also a problem I have with base adventure mode, that Maxwell has no depth until the final chapter, and up to then is just a pure evil overlord tormenting you, making Maxwell's depth in Checkmate feel kinda out of nowhere, OSP has a video where she covers this problem for a minute, but we're not talking about that. What we're talking about right now is Charlie.)

In my mind, at least how I'm reading it, it feels like this choice wasn't really made considering Charlie's character, it was just made considering Maxwell's. Because it makes perfect sense for Maxwell to join her, but not much sense for Charlie to offer him to join.

Which isn't how you do character shit. If you want one character to offer another a choice, you need to consider if it makes sense for both parties.

To be completely honest, this writing choice flattened Charlie down for me, from "ruler of the Constant who despises the man who put her here and has this deep, painful love for her sister" to "evil manipulative queen."

I don't like it. I don't like what it did for her. Charlie I'm so sorry Encore did that to you you deserve so much better

Overly Sarcastic Productions has a video on plot twists where she lays out her criteria for what she considers a bad twist. One of them was "The plot without the twist would be more interesting."

And to be honest, that's how I feel about Encore. You could do so many more interesting things in the story without Encore. I feel like you could explore Maxwell's guilt further without the twist, and it'd feel more interesting. You could show Maxwell trying to fully gain the survivors' trust, since ya know, he dragged them all into the Constant (and for several of them, it was when they were emotionally vulnerable), and it would be far more effective without Encore.

And you still do everything good Encore does, just different, and better.

Showing Maxwell's guilt: You could do that in a myriad of different ways. And they HAVE done it well so far! His quote for the Codex Umbra in base game fills me with this deep, intense sense of grief! And you could do it more!!

And hell, his quotes about the Comedy and Tragedy statues have a far more interesting insight than Encore- "She's still in there somewhere. I know it." and "Her tragedy does not define her."

That's far more interesting to me! He wants to find some way to bring Charlie back to how she was, and he can't!! The Charlie he knew is gone!! Have him pursue the fruitless endeavor of trying to save the person Charlie was despite that girl being dead because he killed her!! Please!! God!! Explore that!! That's incredibly interesting!!

Showing Charlie and Maxwell's relationship: Buddy this could be done in so many different ways. Hell, it could be done in a way similar to Encore, minus the "Quit the survivors join my emo band" part.

If done right, it could reinforce Charlie's hate for him (which has been a consistent trait). If she showed Maxwell all their memories together, and showed him what happened to her afterwards, to hurt him for hurting her. To effectively tell him This is what you did to me. You hurt me. And I will never forgive you.

Because like. Yes Charlie has become more powerful than she could've ever dreamed. Yes Charlie is now queen of an entire world.

But shockingly enough, dying and being turned into a shadow demon and having the compulsion to murder anyone who steps into the darkness is traumatic.

Maxwell ruined her life. Maxwell pulled her into the Constant and got her killed. Charlie should have gotten a normal life on Earth with her sister, and had a normal job and normal hobbies as a normal girl. None of this ever should have happened. She became powerful, yeah, but at a horrifying price. Like bitch I'm arguably more mature about setting boundaries while still being a good friend after my trauma, doesn't mean it's good that it happened!!

(yeah thinking about it, this is another thing i really fucking dislike abt encore. that she's coming across as kinda grateful to max for. you know. getting her killed. maybe i'm reading too much into it and that 100% wasn't the intention, i'm not accusing klei of anything there, but. that's honestly just kinda weird and slimy to me like in what world)

Have Maxwell confront his past: See above, but also you don't even necessarily need Charlie for this. A fact Klei is shamefully neglecting storywise is that Wendy is Maxwell's fucking niece. She's the daughter of Maxwell's fucking brother, who he hasn't seen in ages.

That could be another confronting-his-past moment for him, and something incredibly interesting to explore! Because Wendy's the last piece of Jack that Maxwell has left- and arguably, the last piece of William Carter he has left. And Maxwell is an uncle Wendy never knew who vanished when she was like two, and the last surviving family member she has right now.

Would she latch onto him, having lost everyone else in her family and not wanting to lose him too? Would Maxwell try to bond with her now that he knows she's the last piece of his brother he has, or would he try his best not to, since she also serves as his last connection to the man he was before? Would Maxwell even tell Wendy once he realized? How would their dynamic be altered? How the fuck would Maxwell feel learning that he dragged his own niece into the Constant when she was in that desperation to get her sister back? Good god, can you imagine the emotional baggage there that could be unpacked?

Klei PLEASE give me Maxwell and Wendy interactions!! PLEASE!!! I'M STARVED OF ALL THE INTERESTING FAMILY INTERACTIONS BETWEEN YOUR GUYES!! EXPAND ON THE INTERESTING ELEMENTS YOU'VE INTRODUCED PLEASEEEEEE I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

The Compendium desc for this short implies Maxwell may have joined her out of at least a little power hunger: YOU CAN HAVE THAT HAPPEN WITHOUT CHARLIE. DST has introduced a myriad of different ancient powers to tap into. Maxwell being tempted by one of those could be done!

And it could be more interesting too- showing how he really doesn't want to be powerless, like he was before he had the Codex. He needs power, he needs to be The Amazing Maxwell. He can't ever be powerless, like the man he was before. That's something that hasn't been explored with Max, but could be! And this could be strengthened if like, he was losing touch with the Codex, and felt a sort of panic about it.

Maxwell going evil again: See above!! Maxwell being like "HEY GUYS I GOT THIS COOL POWER" and everyone being like "MAXWELL FOR FUCK'S SAKE WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME YOU GOT AHOLD OF ANCIENT POWERS" and Maxwell being like "OKAY FUCK YOU ALL, I'M NOT GONNA BE POWERLESS LIKE EVER AGAIN" that would work!!! It would work!!!

Double agent storyline: Okay. I am gonna do a whole ramble about this. Because I think Charlie having one of the survivors working for her would be a cool plot point. Charlie having someone on the inside so she could spy on them more effectively, that would be cool! And it makes sense, since they're trying to do a whole chessmaster thing with her, and having someone on the inside would help her a lot!

But it shouldn't have been Maxwell. And I've explained in depth why.

It should have been Winona.

Now, this is partially a me thing, because I find Winona and Charlie's relationship far more fascinating than Maxwell and Charlie's, and I think Winona and Charlie's relationship has been shamefully underexplored. Klei you bastards you're neglecting all the interesting stuff and instead either introducing more interesting stuff or making cute shit

But like- Think about it! It absolutely makes sense for Winona's character, first of all- she searched over ten years for Charlie, she would do anything for her sister. And from what we have seen, she's fairly selfless- she singlehandedly repaired the portal to save Wagstaff, and she immediately moved to save her coworker in her short.

So having her betray the team because of her intense love for her sister would be so incredibly interesting! It would show that yes, she is selfless, she wants to help her friends. But she wants to help her family more. If she has to choose between the survivors she's known for some number of months, and the sister she searched for over a decade to find, she will choose her sister. In a heartbeat.

It would hammer in that at the end of the day, Winona would do absolutely anything to help and protect and be with her sister, including backstabbing her friends. Because she loves her sister, loves her so much it hurts. She just got her back, only to discover she'd been turned into a shadowy monster. She can't lose her again. She can't. Never again. No matter the cost.

(Her triumphant skin having the rose on the back hurts me personally btw and could serve as foreshadowing since no other triumphant skin has a rose on it. you get me)

And to me, it makes more sense for Charlie as well! She does love her sister, she loves her a lot! Her quotes in the game files about Winona are painful! And one of those quotes is "I should like to speak, face to face." So there'd be a level of foreshadowing for it- and best of all, it's not super dramatic foreshadowing, it's that type of foreshadowing that hits more on a second viewing.

Charlie wanting to ally herself with her sister again would be so interesting. She hasn't seen her sister in god knows how long- decades, centuries. And she's so different, she's changed so much. Charlie's different too- they're effectively strangers to each other. And her sister, who was always a bit overprotective with her, loves her still, after however long it's been. Despite what she is now.

So Charlie could want to bond with her sister again, to become sisters again, and figure, hey, why not kill two birds with one stone? Get a double agent, and be able to talk with your sister again. She gets her sister back. At last. And they both have to learn who the other is now.

And if ya wanna show the new Queen Charlie having a manipulative streak, you could still have that with Winona! And in my opinion, it would hurt more! Because this is one of the first times Winona's seen Charlie in years! And it would also make things more complicated on Charlie's side- despite the fact that she does love Winona deeply, she is still manipulating her, because love and manipulation aren't mutually exclusive. You could ask why is she manipulating her sister, and there could be an incredibly interesting answer to that, while still being like Don't Fucking Manipulate Your Sister.

This would also strengthen Charlie's chessmaster vibe, since- picking MAXWELL as her double agent is fucking stupid of her, pretty much everyone has SOME distrust/annoyance towards him, EXCEPT WES. So like. Yeah no shit someone noticed right away Max was acting off and had a creepy rose on his lapel

But Winona? That would be far smarter of Charlie in-universe. Everyone on the team at least likes Winona. She's one of their friends. She builds machines to help them. WX trusts her enough to let her repair them. So Charlie picking Winona as her double agent would be smarter of her, since not many would suspect Winona.

Except maybe Maxwell, the only other person who's had as much experience being around Charlie as Winona has. Which- more interesting stuff! You could use that to like, see how much the team trust Maxwell at this point. We've pretty much only seen him team up with Wilson at this point.

You could show him trying to team up with someone else to figure out why Winona's acting weird. Illustrate how the team are starting to fully trust him, and what he's doing to make up for his Crimes. Show him teaming up with his literal fucking niece. Show him teaming up with Willow, who we KNOW once worked for him. Hell, show him teaming up with Wilson again, to show how their friendship has grown since Cyclum! That could help bring Wilson back into focus as the protagonist, and actually give him more depth through his friendship with The Guy Who Tried To Feed Him To Hounds. god wilson needs depth so bad him being just silly makes him work fine enough but goddddd

This brings up- another reason I feel it'd work more for Winona over Maxwell is like. We all know Maxwell is gonna go good again. Like that's fairly obvious, at least to me. I highly doubt DST is gonna make him evil again permanently. Like yeah you get that sinking sense of dread as he takes the rose and becomes a shadowy chess piece on her board, but like. That is in no way gonna be permanent and we all know it.

But if Winona was the one betraying the team, there would be a lot more uncertainty about it! Like- think about it! Winona feels far more like she'd fully switch allegiance and become an antagonist, at least to me! She has more reason to! She JUST got her sister back, she ain't letting her go! It feels more tense and heartwrenching, at least to me, that Winona would become an antagonist. MAXWELL'S ALREADY BEEN AN ANTAGONIST, WE'VE GOT THE ENTIRE BASE GAME FOR ALL THAT. LET WINONA HAVE HER TURN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE WE NEED MORE WOMEN'S WRONGS HERE

And if ya wanna have an emotional gutpunch through a betrayal, than tell me, what's stronger and more interesting: Maxwell falling back into old patterns and joining Charlie for a chance at redemption and power again, or Winona backstabbing the survivors out of the love that drove her to search for her sister for ten years? In my opinion, the second one wins. (And the first one could have elements of it executed in the second one.)

Like... there were so many other, better ways to achieve what Encore achieved. And it just annoys me. Encore had so much potential to be far far better, but it just feels weird as a plot development. There's so much I like, but what I don't like outweighs it for me. heartbreaking: piece of media you like made a plot decision that is so fucking stupid I should be allowed to write Don't Starve I'd do so much better than those cunts

#asks #don't starve #UGH WHATEVER. encore isn't canon to me #i have my silly little fictional scenarios in my head and that is all i need #cassie rambles #i'm so mad about how underutilized winona is #SHE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL PLEASE GOD USE IT #SHE'S CHARLIE'S LITERAL SISTER #THAT'S SO INTERESTING TO EXPLORE #EXPLORE IT #PLEASE #KLEI PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU HERE #sigh. i love don't starve so much but god damn i also hate it sometimes #dst

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springsaladgaming · 7 months

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a better-late-than-never check-in

Hey all! Long time no speak!

I know it's been a minute. Work was busy, and then it wasn't but I was on vacation, and then the Doom in my brain was pretty bad, and when that was a little better, the covid finally got me after managing to avoid it since the start. It was also the first time I'd been sick in five years, so that kind of sucked. I still have a cough from it, and unfortunately I don't think that's going away any time soon.

(Honestly, the worst part is that I like to sing in my car, but my voice is still shot since the cough has stuck around, so I can't really do that right now.)

I'm still working on the updated Chapter 3. I was fretting over how to stitch in the new additions to the opening of the chapter, thinking that was going to be the hard part. But no, it turns out the hardest part so far has been the variables!

I forgot exactly how many variations I put in the original version of the chapter, and because of the changes to the personality variables in the Twine version of the game, I'm having to completely restructure all those variations right down to how the numbers are measured. In the CScript version, I used the fairmath system and so I was able to code if statements by way of percentages. Additionally, the personality stats were opposing pairs, so timid and assertive, for example, were measured by the same variable with different percentages. But I've been using flat numbers in the Twine version and none of the original variables share numbers with any of the others (though some of the new ones do).

To make matters worse, I had a document to keep track of the total number of points possible in each stat (for the Twine version) so that I had a better idea about how to decide on conditional thresholds, but I can't find that document at the moment, so I have to go back through the Twine document and make note of those again.

All this is to say, if I were a more organized person, I probably would be having fewer problems, but it also doesn't help that I'm traveling around town so frequently that I have to switch between computers a lot, so some vital documents might not be saved on both. I've been slowly trying to fix that problem by backing stuff up to a drive, but sometimes I don't know that I need a thing until it comes up, and then I just don't have it with me. (Also, sometimes I write stuff down on paper with the intention to type it up later and then I forget because my brain cannot be trusted.)

But it's coming along! I'm back to a point where I feel like I can work again without it feeling like an impossible hurdle, so that's nice. I'll keep you posted on the progress as I move along. Because of how big the updated version of the chapter is going to be compared to the original, I don't think I can get all of it done before the end of the year, but I hope to have at least the first half ready by the end of December or sooner if it's ready before then. Keep your eyes peeled!

Hope everyone is doing well!

#progress update

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keeperofthesunandmoon · 8 months

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Hey, anon who was asking about sending feedback here. Doing it not anon this time just to make any replies needed easier. Apologies in advance for the wall of text, I've tried to condense it, but I'm not the best at being concise. Also sorry if any of this has been brought up before.

First a couple technical issues I encountered. In chapter 7 I got the part about my mom taking care of me while sick, even though my parents were killed last chapter, then inversely when I went through again and saved them the dialogue option "“All my goodness died when he took my parents.” was available to choose.

Anyway onto the juicy stuff. So for the most part, I really liked the game so far, I thought it is a really good continuation of the story, and I'm definitely excited for more. But I obviously do have some notes, so here they are.

1) Being able to detect heartbeats isn't actually an accurate way of detecting bluffs (or lies in general). Heartrate raises if a person is excited or scared, and a good liar would be calm while lying. Plus with poker specifically, knowing your opponent is bluffing is only part of the equation, you still have to have a good hand, or be able to bluff yourself.

2) I feel like there should be the option to be opposed to control magic due to trauma rather than just general moral opposition, depending on the choices made. Like, at the very least, any MC unfortunate enough to have Julian Anderson as their birth father, probably has more reason to be averse to control magic than just "mind control bad cause it takes away free will".

On the same note, there are multiple instances where without player input, your character either uses control magic, considers using it, or sits there while someone else casually uses it. Which like, even trauma aside, if I’ve been picking all the “I think control magic is morally evil” options it seems weird my character would just casually use it to make someone forget a conversation, or be fine with their friends using it to get past airport security.

It also kinda sucks, for the above reasons, that in regards to the screening, your only options are let someone use control magic on you (whether or not you resist) or compel them first. Like I said, I feel like my MC would be very traumatized by the whole concept of control magic, and would very much not be on board with either of these options.

3) The jar of holy oil felt a bit like it came out of nowhere. Like I previously got the impression that holy oil was pretty hard to get your hands on, even for someone with the MCs connections, but then you just like have a jar of it in your bag I guess, no real explanation as to how it got there. Also IDK if this was intentional misdirection or not, so sorry in advance if it is, but because it’s first mentioned as an “unbreakable jam jar” directly after talking about the homemade snow globes (which are often made from jars), I thought the jam jar was the snow globe, up until you actually use it.

4)This one’s kind of a legacy issue from the previous games, so IDK how fixable it is at this point, but basically the game feels like it's in an odd situation when it comes to the MC, that I can best describe as being nonbinary inclusive, but trans exclusive. The game lets you choose the name/pronouns you want, but then the flashbacks just assume your character was still using the same ones back when they were a toddler (obviously there are people irl who do come out at a pretty young age, but, at least in my experience, that's the exception rather than the rule). Like obviously something to account for that could be added, but IDK if you can like update already published games, and if not adding it to the third game would probably introduce some weirdness, so IDK.

5) I’m confused as to what a “stereotypical drakaina” would be cause like a drakaina isn’t really like a thing in pop culture the same way something like angels and demons are, and the word itself is literally just the feminine form of the Ancient Greek word for dragon or serpent. Would it just be dressing up as a dragon? I realize this one's pretty nitpicky, I’m just confused.

6) In the dream sequence in chapter 8, the game seems to just like assume the MC and RO are able to have a biological kid together. I know that both it’s a dream sequence and also a setting with magic, so it’s not really a plot hole or anything per say, but I think taking that into mind, and maybe adding some text for situations where that might be in question, to explain that would be a good idea.

7) "…for the fact that the worst crime they’ve ever committed is jaywalking." I’m fairly certain forging a birth certificate is also a crime. /s

Thank you for the feedback! I've made some edits to earlier chapters based on it for next update

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sly-merlin · 3 years

Text

KILLING ME- 14

pairing : law student!reader + yuta

genre : (fluff) angst , mafia au/ arranged marriage au.

warnings of this chapter : cursing, mention of drugs, character death.

words : ~4k

summary :

“life’s never fair y/n. realise it as soon as you can . it is the only secret for living a regretless life.”

“ curiousity got the cat hitched”

K.M masterlist

K.M 13

TAGLIST : @kpop-choco @moon-yuta @kawaiiayasan @btm-taeyong @exfolitae @lanadreamie @cheersskznct @hyuckiesgf @theworld-accordingtocasey @simplybree

@yiyi4657 @sorrywonwoo @sillywinnergladiator @minejungwoo @leesalts @mal-nakamoto23 @ro2424 @itlittlefangirl @nctzens-world @bl–ankhaeji @jeaneteflo @nuoyii @bralessmermaid @minhoseyeliner @tyongpoetry @swimmingkpopblog @jkjkseo @orphicmoon @floralescapes

A/N : this chapter marks the celebration of this blog surpassing 600 followers! thank you so much for all the support! also for minor readers, the sfw versions of nsfw chapters are given at the end of the masterlist so check those properly before reading.

•••••••••••••

y/n! Are you sleeping?”

Registering his words, you replied in a groggy voice,“What the fuck do you want?”

“Your phone. I left mine in the medical room. I need to call Mark right now.” with some authority, he spoke.

Whining loudly, you fell back on the bed. It was only due but flailing your arms and legs like a kid in a toy store, you let out a screech full of annoyance, cursing your fate.

Were you really going to babysit him now?

"Have you suddenly lost your hearing? Stop with this sick attitude and open the door."

A puff of air left your nose, your chest moved rhythmically with your stomach and you relaxed your arms beneath your head, eyes fixed at the fan above and ears ringing with his voice. He kept calling you and after a number of shouts, you started humming to distract yourself, afraid that you'd end up helping him otherwise. That was something, naturally, you were not interested in. Last time he had ignored your voice and now nature had presented you with an opportunity to return the favour. Just with a bit less flavour.

"Are you dead?"

"Hmmm. To you, yes I am." Mumbling, you yawned and pushed yourself up to reach your side table and fishing out your earphones from the bottom drawer, you untangled them and fixed them comfortably in your ear, hiding yourself underneath the sheets.

Sonata no.14 instantly transported you away from the noise and the stress that was your unwanted husband, yuta. The smile playing on your lips widened as you realised that you were his only mode of communication at the moment.

But You were going for a nap. Until then, he could wait. And thrash. And cry. Or die.

Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you rotated the handle of the door to walk outside but your little trip was interrupted when your body collided straight into a wall. No. The obstruction was too soft for a wall.

Opening your eyes properly, you saw yuta standing stiff. Surprised at the sudden appearance, you immediately stumbled back and in hurry, hit your spine on the wooden door. The glare of his eyes, that always spoke more than you could comprehend, coupled with a clenched jaw, was not a very pleasant sight for sure yet you found it harder to dart your own eyes away from him.

"Your phone" he seethed, breathing deeply.

"Huh?" You croaked out.

He raised his brow and in an instant, the previous scenario played like a short movie in your head. Snapping your head down, you regarded his leg with pity. He obviously noticed it immediately but seemed to ignore it and refrained from saying anything. Good for you, you thought.

"Are you deaf?"

Your furrowed brows met his eyes and with a roll of his own, he picked up his finger to force his demand but you managed to walk back inside your room before he could've done that.

Your back faced him as you contemplated your options while slowly stretching your arm to reach for your phone on the other side of the bed.

should you even be giving him your phone?

You had more trust in Taeyong than the man you shared a roof with so there was no way you were doing that.

Unbeknownst to you, yuta was watching your movements intently and the way you bobbed your head, he knew you were scheming something so he decided to be polite for a moment. Only until you were needed. Or your phone was needed.

Once the phone was in your hand, another thought crossed your mind.

"Wait. Where is the house phone?" Crossing your arms, you asked him slyly, already knowing the answer

"You fucking never got it installed. It's still in its stupid package" he seemed rather impatient.

"And you could've called reception through the door telecom. He would have phoned Mark for you. These rich apartments certainly have more hospitality tha-

"I CAN'T GO AROUND DISTRIBUTING AN UNDERGROUND CRIMINAL'S CONTACT NUMBER TO EVERYONE"

He inhaled and exhaled and you just watched until he opened his eyes again, hand reaching out to you.

"Chill. I've every right to be sceptic especially when you are the one asking for it."

Finding Mark's number on your phone, you called him.

Yuta's hand threaded through his rough hair as he noticed what you were trying to do.

"Hey mark!" Your chirpy voice resounded in the room and yuta was sure this was some different spirit speaking. You sounded too bubbly for the way you were investigating him just a second ago.

"Yes yes. His phone exactly.i don't trust him enough to hand over my phone so that's why I'm calling you myself. Just hurry up if you can or you might have to clean up a dead body in the next few hours."

With that you cut the phone. Without meeting yuta's gaze and resting your hand on the handle, you mumbled,

"He'll be here in an hour."

You were about to close the door when he stopped it with the palm of his hand, alerting you with the force.

"Tell him to get some food too."

And limping, he retired back, to the couches.

Sighing, you messaged mark. Had it been for something else, you'd have ignored but your own stomach had signalled you that it needed some good food so you chose not to fight against your own body.

Now, only the taste of the food could decide how many days you were going to tolerate that barbaric human.

"Are you still going to that stupid internship?" Johnny hesitantly murmured from your desk chair while taking big bites from the plate.

"It's not stupid please! I’m just waiting for them to actually pay attention to my awesome capabilities so they can transfer me to the main branch. This is not bad either but”, you stopped to lick your forefinger and tasting the sauce, continued, “but I really wanna go into the criminal unit. That’s where the actual fun is. As long as i’m being paid decently, i’ll suffer with the stupid research work here.”

“With the tongue as sharp as yours, I think you should be getting ready for a demotion instead” he laughed, showing you his fake bunny teeth in the most annoying and childish way.

“Ha ha ha ha. Some well wisher you are! Thank you so much for looking out for me but I'll be fine. Who knows the gatekeeper’s pay package is more than me. So it’d be a win-win in that case too I guess?” when you did a drum roll with your chopsticks to stress upon your point, he laughed harder.

"So being broke is the new black?" Rolling his eyes, he dragged out, "I swear you kids don't know how this world works."

"And you, grandpa of the century, knows?"

"I'm aware of what I need for my survival and from what I've learnt, you can either take risks or look for job security. In your case, " he fake coughed, "where the proportions of risk taking have already exceeded the acceptable limit, a job security is the best and safest option to choose."

"And that would justify my greed and desire to work for the biggest company of this city."

"Kun. The security you need and the independence you seek would be given by kun. Chois are hmm how to say? Cheap? Yeh cheap. They have no work ethics. "

"Have you worked with them, johnny?"

"No. I'm ju-

"Then was your ex a choi?" You saw his eyes comically and cutely widening at your remark.

"No. My ex wasn't a choi and that's not what I'm saying and you know that."

"Oh. So your ex wasn't a choi. Then a lee? Kim? Im? Oh my god! Look at your cheeks seo!" You dragged out. He shook his head as you kept wiggling your brows at him.

"She was a kim but that doesn't mean I would hate all kims dude. That's baseless and stop ignoring the topic. I want you to apply in Kuns. It's the best option. Do it as soon as you-

"Yeah yeah we'll see about that. First take that bitch back. I can't even nap in his presence. "

"Umm. Yeah. You gotta tolerate him. And besides he's injured. Injured yuta is like a gun without a bullet. He's gonna shout for a day or two and then peace out. He'll be sleeping and reading in his room and you won't even know if he's alive or not."

"Now that's bullshit. What is he going to do here anyway? I hope he can hop himself on one leg because even if the sun rises from the north, I am not going to do a single task for him. He can die hungry , for all I care.”

“Do you think you can endure him for some tasty dinners?”

Clicking your tongue, you quipped, “Do you really think you can buy me with a few homemade meals?”

Day 1

Yes. you were sold. The moment the tasty noodles had melted in your mouth, you knew you had no dignity. And you were indeed ashamed of yourself.

Earlier, Renjun had called you to inform you that he had delivered the food and medicines for yuta and had left your dinner box but he had failed to mention the special and endearing note that was pasted on the glass box. In the curvy letters, it read bitchy piglet and you swore the only person you’d be killing before yuta would be jaehyun. But you were going to use jaehyun to build up your tolerance instead.

When you went out to clean your dishes, he was playing some game on his phone, excitement evident from the way he was laughing every other second. Maybe if he remained occupied, he would not be so insufferable.

Day 3

"Oyii! Oyii!"

No. You were wrong. He was very very much insufferable.

At midnight, his voice echoed, disturbing your sleep. You cursed at the cool atmosphere that had prevented you from using the air con which otherwise would have blocked his annoying screeches. But it seemed like bad luck wanted to change its name to y/n instead. With your name being called like a broken record, it was a fight between you and him that you were not going to lose. Shuffling to your side, you covered your ears with the other pillow and tried to drown out the annoyingly demanding and hoarse voice. There was no way you were giving him the satisfaction of having any power over you. He could cry for all he liked!

“What the fuck do you want at this hour?”

Attempting a glare at him through sleepy lids, you spewed with irritation. Unlike you, he was very much awake, breathing with the sole purpose of making you question your whole existence.

“Pillow” scratching his non-existent beard, he mumbled.

Your nostrils flared and jaw clenched at such inconvenient command.

“You summoned me for a pillow? A pillow that can normally be found on a person’s bed? Can you please rectify your demand or did I just simply hear something wrong?”

The opened curtains and the moonlight that drenched the room was the only source that illuminated his face for you and even with drooping eyes, you could see how serious he was and yet you couldn't hold your tongue back because he simply deserved every shit you bestowed him with.

“Turn the lights on and count the pillows on my bed! And when you are done, get me some pillows from your room.” he simply stated.

“Why should i give you my pillow? I need them!”

“Because I don't use a pillow and I need it asap!”

“Then why do you suddenly need one? To disturb my sleep? Oh that makes sense.” and suddenly, your eyes had synced with your body to side with your fight mode.

“I need them for elevating my leg. The bandage is too tight and it’s not comfortable.”

“Then why don't you walk out of the room and get some cushions for yourself!” you raised your volume.

“Because my leg is in pain and i’m unable to get up? What makes you think I'm dying to see your ugly face at this time of the night. I dont wanna have nightmares of you as well but i can't help it ok!”

“you should have kept them near you. And who are you calling ugly hmm? You poop fac-

“Okay scream for all you want! But get me a pillow when your battery dies down!”

“What the fuck d- are you covering your ears? Wow ways to be generous!”

Stomping your foot, you left the room to get the hardest cushion on the couch.

“Here! Next time call Mark if you want anything. Don’t raise your voice ever again to call me because unlike you, i have work in the morning and hence I need some sleep..”

Just when you were about to leave after shoving the cushion in his hand, he spoke up again,

“This is damn hard! I asked for your pillow specifically and not th- AHH!”

A scream left him as you harshly removed the support , leaving his leg to painfully meet the mattress.

“How about you fix your attitude before fixing your leg?” suggesting, you dropped the cushion on the floor and left.

He didn't call you after that. Nor that you cared. However, the sleep in your eyes somehow vanished. Dancing on your sides didn’t help. Neither did drinking a glass of water. So, with a groan, you listened to your conscience and picked up your extra pillow that was sadly too perfect for your enemy.

Padding to his room, you tried your best to scrutinise and hearing his heavy snores, you placed the pillow right under his thigh and the cushion under his calf. Scoffing at his sleeping figure, you internally groaned to remind yourself that you hadn't done it for him. It was just a debt. For the blanket he had once covered you with. Nothing more and nothing less.

Day 5

You just wanted him out of your hair. He was just being a load on your head. At first, only the work was kicking your ass, then jungwoo was kicking you like a punching bag for an hour straight and adding to your distress was yuta.

"I'm not your maid! Stop piling up the dishes for me. I've had enough mercy on you. From today onwards, get a cleaner for yourself or buy disposable cutlery. I'm not going to clean after you!"

With a roll of his eyes, he had ignored you.

And so did you. Pasting a warning note on the sink tap, you had left for the library with a dying hope that maybe the kitchen would be spotless on your arrival or you'd be dialing some numbers in the evening.

For someone who despised the solemn atmosphere of libraries, you had successfully spent 11 hours in the said hellish room. It was 11 p.m and you wanted to sleep, more than anything but here you were, waiting for yugyeom so he'd just pick you up for a good drinking session that you were dying to have.

Fortunately, you weren't the only one who had missed living these past days. Everyone, for different reasons, was suffering so you felt a little less bad for yourself even though you knew your troubles were far more grave than their academic burdens.

"Wake up shorts" someone whispered in your ear. Squirming on your seat, you whipped your head in your sleepy state and found jungkook caressing your head, goofily smiling at you.

"I thought you wanted to hang out till the next morning" air quoting the last words, he picked up your bag.

"Yeah. Let's go. I'm all ready for a night full of vodkas." You yawned out.

"Definitely. No. You are going home. We can have a small get together me and yuggy are done with our final project." He dragged you out into the parking lot.

" I feel like it's been years since we got drunk together. You are never here anymore!" You whined at him, complaining your heart out.

"I will be. Soon. Then we can celebrate your little choi job as well."

"Oh please. Don't even mention it. If I had penny for every time they rolled their eyes at me, I'd be richer than your parents kook." You huffed out and as his gentle laugh surrounded you, you closed your eyes resting your back against the seat, expecting to be up by the time he'd park.

But the next day, you woke up tangled in the sheets of your bed, unaware of the events of the previous night.

When you had warned yuta about the dirty dishes, you hadn't expected him to fill the corners of the kitchen with disposable containers. It looked like you had missed a whole drama while sleeping in the library. The kitchen was shining except for the new utensils. But as long as you were not babysitting him, you were fine with anything. You didn't want to jinx your relief, however, you were glad you would be able to get some work done. finally.

You had spoken too early for your own good. Just when you sat down to write your paper, passionate and enthusiastic howls of that man pierced through your earphones and once again, you opened the window and hopped outside, in the balcony, ready to drown him out. Sipping on your lemonade, you gaped at the scenery the not so distant traffic provided you with and somehow, your thoughts wandered to the only person these horns reminded you of. Johnny.

What are you doing? Your fingers hovered over the text but once again, you deleted the message, declaring it to be too childish for someone as mature as him. Maybe you were just being silly. Maybe you were not. But who was going to put a stamp on your maybe?

Tears pricked your eyes as the harsh words of your senior thundered in the room. He kept shouting and you had no option than to consume each and every word he directed at you. Even if you were being insulted in front of your twenty other co-workers, staying quiet was the best option, you ascertained. so along with your saliva, you gulped your explanations down your throat.

Howsoever unconscious, you were still in the wrong. There was no excuse as to why you had mailed the wrong bills, apart from the headache that was caused by the person possibly lying on the sofa and watching t.v back home. No matter how much you tried to run away from his existence, he had somehow managed to let himself inside your head.

Glaring at the kid who asked for his turn on the park swing, you pushed yourself a little higher, letting the wind greet your stinging eyes as it hit your face in waves. Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you chose to ignore jungwoo for a day as it was the time, you decided, to let all the lessons that the past few months had taught you sink into your mind, to bleed into your soul so you won’t ever be able to deviate from them. Ever.

Only if that was so easy. You knew blaming others for your problems was no solution but trivialising them by not paying heed wasn't a smart move either.

When you reached home, your frustrations had died down. So when yuta simpered and pointed towards your empty container, telling you how he had already finished your supposed dinner, you simply rolled your eyes at him, robbing him of whatever he wanted to achieve by riling you up. Heating up the water, you were about to open the noodles packet when yeong called you.

You stared at the shattered phone screen in disbelief as the endless tears ran down your cheeks. As you verbalised the words to yourself again, your body met the floor with a thud.

Jungkook. Drugs. No more.

Three words had silenced the screeches in your head and your mind busied itself in rejecting what you had heard for it had to be a lie. But what how were you going to ignore the heart wrenching screams that yeong had let out. How were you going to dismiss the truth.

How were you all going to accept it?

••••••••••••••••

next update: Some day between 5-7 June.

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #cznnet #kafenetwork #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct fluff #nct x reader #nct smut #nct angst #nct mafia #nct reactions #yuta scenarios #yuta imagines #yuta smut #nct arrange marriage #yuta angst #yuta mafia #johnny scenarios

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multistan-kpopwritings · 3 years

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Birthday Pancakes (IKT pt4)

➟ pairing(s): Mark & Reader; Reader's Son, Drew

➟ genre(s): Fluff

➟ word count: 1.7K

➟ warnings: none

It isn't necessary, but make sure you read the previous parts!

Despite falling asleep as late as you did, like clockwork, you were awake at 6 am. You lightly padded through the house to the kitchen and began to make a hot cup of coffee. There was no way you were getting through this day, or any, without the hot liquid energy. You cupped the mug in your hand and smiled, inhaling the scent deeply.

You curled up in the corner of the sofa with your coffee and grabbed your book. You deftly opened the book to the bookmarked chapter and started to read over the pages. A few weeks ago you decided to take photography classes. To say the least, it has been difficult trying to find time in your schedule to do this. Between working for JYP, being a mom, and starting classes, you were drained.

"Mommy," a soft sleepy voice called from down the hall, "is it time for breakfast?" You smiled as you heard tiny feet come closer. You set your book back on the table and opened your arms to the little boy in front of you.

"Of course baby," you said, wrapping your arms around the boy, "What do you want?" You pulled back and kissed the top of his head. He started to chatter about cereal, pancakes, and waffles. You laughed and made your way back into the kitchen. "How about pancakes," you called back, "I have chocolate chips!"

"Yes, please," your son answered. Just then you heard your phone ring, and he stuck his head in the kitchen and waved your phone. "Someone is calling, mommy," he smiled, "Can I answer it?" You smiled and nodded your head. His smile grew as he slid the green phone icon. "Hello," he greeted as he roamed around the house, phone on his ear.

Mark was surprised when the little voice answered. "Oh, hi little dude," he laughed, "Is your mom there?"

"Well duh," Drew snorted, "I can't be home alone." Mark laughed again.

"Can I talk to her?" Mark questioned.

"She's making pancakes," Drew informed him, "Do you like pancakes?"

"Love 'em. My mom used to make them for me all the time," Mark chatted, "Blueberries are my favorite." Drew made a gagging noise and rolled his eyes.

"Yuck! We have chocolate chip today," Drew told him. Suddenly, Drew stopped in his tracks and tilted his head. "Hey mister, what's your name?" he asked.

"My name is Mark. You must be Andrew. I work with-," Mark was cut off.

"My mommy only calls me that when I'm in trouble," Drew laughed, "You can call me Drew. My friends do." Mark laughed at the kid again. Bam was right, this kid was great.

"So I'm your friend now?" Mark asked. He had been laying in bed, awake for an hour or so. He had intentions of asking you out tonight with his friends. They were all going out for his birthday. He sat up in bed when heard your voice on the other end of the line.

"Drew, honey," you called, "Who is that? Your breakfast is almost ready." Mark smiled at the way spoke to the child.

"It's my friend mommy," Drew said, "His name is Mark." You laughed and asked for the phone. "No mommy," he said firmly, "That's rude. I'm on the phone." You laughed harder as Drew ran to the other side of the kitchen island to get out of your reach.

"A little help here," you called to Mark. He laughed as you continued the cat and mouse game with your son. "Gotcha," you said triumphantly as you plucked the phone from the tiny hands that held it. You ruffled Drew's hair and nudged him to the table. "Go sit and eat," you instructed. "Good morning birthday boy," you greeted Mark. "What's up?"

"Good morning," he said sweetly, "I was calling to see if you'd like to come out with us tonight. We're going dancing." His chest fluttered when you paused. Maybe this was a bad idea.

"Aww, I can't. I'm so sorry," you apologized, "I promised Drew we'd make up date night since I got home so later last night." Mark let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. "Hold on a second, Mark," you said, holding the phone to your chest, "What is it, baby?" Drew had signaled to you to get your attention.

"Is it his birthday?" he questioned, pointing to your phone. You nodded your head and smiled.

"Sorry," you continued with Mark, "Someone is listening to conversations that he shouldn't."

"No trouble," Mark chuckled, "He sounds like a great kid." Before you could agree, that rascally kid jumped in.

"Mommy, can Mark come over for breakfast? It's his birthday! And he likes pancakes! And he's my new friend!" Each statement made it harder to say 'No'. Not that you wanted to, but you didn't want to put Mark in a position he didn't want to be in.

"Baby, I don't know," you started, "I'm sure Mark has his plans."

"Please, mommy," Drew begged. He was almost on the verge of tears.

"Yeah, please," Mark said softly whined. You were surprised and your stomach flipped. You huffed and shook your head. You smiled down Drew and then rolled your eyes.

"Mark," you said, "Would you like to have breakfast with us?"

"Let me check my schedule," Mark teased. He laughed when he heard you scoff. "I'd love to," he accepted with a smile.

"Great, I'll text you the address. We'll see you soon."

About half an hour later there was a knock at your door. You opened the door and were greeted by Mark and his dazzling smile.

"Thank you for inviting me," Mark smiled as he stepped in. He looked around the room and smiled. Your home was warm and welcoming, just like you he thought. You smiled and took his arm.

"Come on," you said, "Someone made me go to the store quickly for blueberries." Mark chuckled under his breath. "Do you know what that's about? He hates blueberries," you laughed.

"I told him those were my favorite," Mark said rubbing his neck, "Sorry." You smiled at his response and squeezed his arm. As soon as you entered the kitchen, Drew jumped from his chair and ran to Mark.

"Is this him?" Drew beamed up at you. He stared at Mark in awe. Before you could answer, Mark dropped to his knees and put his hand out.

"Hey little dude, it's nice to meet you," he smiled at the child. "I heard a lot about you from BamBam." Drew grabbed his hand and shook it hard. "Thank you for inviting me for breakfast."

"Come on," Drew said, "You can sit by me." He didn't let go of Mark's hand as he pulled him to the table and pointed to the empty chair. "Mommy said she will make some blueberry pancakes for you. She's the best." The two of them leaned forward and watched you mix a fresh batch of pancakes.

"I think you're right," Mark whispered to Drew. He smiled at the child and turned his attention back to you. "Do you need any help?" Mark asked you. You smiled in his direction and shook your head.

"Nope. I have it under control," you informed him, setting a plate of pancakes and scrambled eggs on the table. "Do you want juice or milk?" you asked turning to the fridge.

"Milk, please," Drew said. You glanced over your shoulder and saw Mark nod in agreement.

The rest of the meal was very nice. You and Mark talked about a few things happening at JYP, a few ideas you had for his hair, and what was happening with the guys. A few times, Drew would ask Mark some questions and tell him funny stories. It was no surprise that the conversation between the three of you was so easy.

After the meal was over, Drew snatched Mark's hand again and pulled him to his room. He was excited to show the older man his new video game and toys. You laughed to yourself and cleaned the kitchen. You were grateful that Mark, just like BamBam, was so kind to your son.

You took this time to flip through your photography book again. For the next 45 minutes, the two played in his room. You felt a little tinge of regret, but then again, Mark did ask for this.

"Hey," Mark said from behind you. He leaned over the back of the sofa. He glanced at your hands and read the title. "Photography, huh?" He circled the sofa and sat next to you. "Did you know that Jay B likes photography?" You raised your eyebrows.

"No, I didn't," you admitted. You mentally noted to speak to Jay B. "Did you have fun?" you asked Mark, nodding to Drew's room. Mark smiled. "He likes you," you said softly, "Thank you. For being nice to him." You quickly looked away but could feel Mark move closer to you. He placed his hand on yours and smiled.

"I only had plans to hang out with the guys until tonight." He leaned forward and cupped your chin with his fingers, making you look at him. "You made me breakfast, we got to know each other and I got to spend time with the coolest 5-year old I've ever met," he smiled at you and leaned closer to you still. "This was great. I should be thanking you," he whispered, his lips almost touching yours.

"Oh," you gasped. Before he could kiss you, you jumped off the sofa and cleared your throat. Mark blinked at you a few times and tilted his head. "I, um...I," you stuttered, "I think it's time for you to go." Mark's brows knitted in confusion.

"Yeah, sure," he said, standing quickly. He mumbled a quick apology and left. At the sound of the door closing, Drew came rushing out of his room.

"Mommy," Drew said looking around the room, "Where is Mark? Did he leave?" You nodded your head and sighed. "Aww," he groaned, "I didn't get to say 'bye'." He turned back to his room and stopped at the door. "You know, I like him! He's so cool," he exclaimed, "Did you see his hair!"

"I know baby," you said, "I like him too."

#got7 mark #got7 mark tuan #got7 imagines #imagine mark tuan #got7 drabble #got7 scenarios #got7 fluff #mark tuan

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blackcherrykiss · 3 years

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BLOOD BOUNDARIES - Enhypen OT7 Fanfic (ch.7)

[CH.1] [CH.2] [CH.3] [CH.4] [CH.5] [CH.6] previous chapters

[CH.8.] next chapter (unavailable, check back or follow for updates!)

You fell into a distrustful panic that night now that knew the screams of the woods were also where Jungwon and his friends lived. You weren't sure if you should be scared for those group of boys or be scared of them. You'd be lying to yourself if you tried to believe it was only a coincidence the boys had a place in the forest of violent cries.

You questioned your sanity, were they murderers? Was that their dirty secret?

Your conclusions were endlessly dark, repeating themselves countlessly. You had never wanted to sleep away your thoughts more than ever. Eventually, you got exhausted from your thoughts. It was mentally draining to try and tear apart the possibilities of the situation, you didn't have enough evidence to be so sure. You lay in a cold sweat as you drifted off into a deep but horrible sleep.

You dreamt in full awareness. The boys with blood spilling down their hands and onto their swan white clothes. A red mess everywhere on the cream walls of an orphanage that overflowed with rays of a full moon. Although you were scared of what you were witnessing, you could not wake up even if your life depended on it. It seemed as if the dream had sped up your sleep as you woke in what felt like a few seconds. Calmly, you awoke in the misty autumn morning in a crushed up pile of blankets. You sit up to peel your wispy curtains away from the window to get a good look at the dark forest that steamed with a muddy blue fog. All of the memories of Jungwon yelling at you for just being near the woods flooded your brain as you stared. This time you were determined to search deep into that forest and get to the bottom of its mysteries as it called out to you.

"Y/N I think you're going to be late for your first class." Nana knocked before bursting into your room in full uniform, not a wrinkle on her shirt.

"Y-you're already ready? What time is it?!" You glanced back and forth between your pyjamas and uniform that draped over a random stool as you were too lazy to fold nicely the night before.

"We didn't want to wake you... So we went ahead thinking you'd come down eventually." She yanked you out of bed, gripping your forearms tightly before backing out the door, "Don't be late! We promised we'd keep out of detention this year!"

Within a blink of an eye, you slip into your uniform, slinking your arms through the holes of your blouse and adjusting your legs to be cover by your ashy plaid skirt. With your bag and binder in hand, you sprinted across your campus to the gymnasium where you found yourself arriving, everyone already in the proper athletic attire.

"You're late." Your health teacher grit her teeth in visible disappointment. Your teacher knew how unlike you it was to be late as your classmate's eyes followed your every movement.

"P-pardon me." You clawed your fingers through your bedhead, speeding to the change room, nervous she'd assign you detention.

You let out the deep breath you were holding in as you got into the empty locker room, frustrated at yourself for waking up so late. You can't help but feel upset that you let your thoughts get the best of you and ruin your perfect attendance. Truly you were ashamed but began to see no point in continuing to rush the pace at which your day was running.

The locker room door opens and you see Kyungeun peep herself inside, "Y/N? You alright?"

You pull your boxy shirt flat down, zipping and tying every spot on your tracksuit jacket, "Yeah, sorry rough morning..."

"No worries, I just said that I had to go to the bathroom but I really just wanted to check on you." She had a motherly sound to her voice which comforted your bad start to the day. Perhaps she was in a good enough mood for you to ask her briefly about her relationship with Sunghoon.

"Kyungeun, I think I need to just clear the air... I saw you with Sunghoon in the library." You tilted your head in regret as to whether or not you were starting off the conversation in the right direction.

"Y-you saw us???" Her face drained to an unrealistic hue, "Lord... Sunghoon will kill me if he finds out you know."

"Stop! What do you mean? He'll kill you? Is it because I know that you two are dating?"

"NO! Nevermind then!" She cut you off right after the question mark in your voice. She looked rather relieved at your response which could only mean their relationship was much different than you had presumed. "I just can't tell you about our relationship I'm s-sorry it's between just us two."

"So then it's okay for him to flirt with my roommate?"

"No? Are you serious right now ?!" Kyungeun panicked.

"So you are dating?" You gave a smug smile.

"It's not that..." She was visibly frustrated not being able to describe herself in words, "I'll tell you this, I'm bound to him..." She ran her index finger along the reddened gash on her neck He's blackmailing me."

"So you're like his pet?" You held in your laughter, you knew you should be more serious but you had no other way of trying to help Kyungeun express the gist of her relationship.

"I'll tell you another day... Let's just go before the teacher gets mad at you for taking so long to change."

...

After your class full of advanced leg exercises and mediocrely fun games, you got halted by your gym teacher, "Y/N can we speak about how tardy you were today?"

You got fearful of her sentencing you detention, freezing up from your heel upwards, "I'm so sorry, I just had a lot going on last night..."

"Sweetie, I know this is your first late in my class but unfortunately the school does not tolerate tardiness in the way I believe it should be." She tapped her chin a few times, "I have no other choice but to send you to detention but it'll just be a half-hour at lunch." You felt better that it wasn't for a full hour or two after school but you were still dreading the idea.

"Can't you just let me off the hook? I promise it'll never happen again" You pleaded desperately.

"I'm afraid I cannot... If the other teachers or students knew you didn't get sent to detention I could get into trouble for giving you 'special treatment'. I know you didn't mean to love but I cannot afford to lose my job so I'll see you then." She patted one of your shoulders, giving it a little squeeze to cheer you up.

"I understand..." You nod with your head that already hung low.

"It's in the English room down the hall, there is usually only a few students there. Some familiar faces."

...

That rest of your morning would only pull through faster as you got some weird anxiety over walking into the detention room. You could not concentrate at all in the class you had before lunch. You felt as if you were too good for the detention group of kids, but here you were about to join those you criticized. Karma.

"Make sure to answer the questions 8-16 on page 300, you have the rest of the class to do so. Any questions?" Your physics teacher stood with his hands balled up behind his back.

Realizing you had no physics book in your bag after triple checking, you shot your arm up in distress, "ME! I forgot my textbook today... I was in a rush this morning." You faked a polite laugh with the expectation your teacher would have a spare.

"I'm afraid I don't have an extra, anyone willing to share?" The teacher lifted his head to scan the class.

"I could share." Jaeyun winked making your face recoil

"Perfect! You'll probably have to move your stuff to his seat then." Your teacher suggested.

With a thick coat of disappointment, you pulled a chair up to Jaeyun's desk to which he kneed you annoyingly.

Within just a few seconds of settling down, you complained "How the hell am I supposed to write? There is no space... Desks are made for ONE person."

"Okay then don't use my textbook and fall behind" He sneered.

"Wait wait, I just had the greatest idea Jaeyun." He gave you puppy eyes when you said his name, "What if you look for half the answers I do the other half then exchange?" You whispered so the teacher could hear.

"I can't trust you make good answers though..." He jokingly sighed.

"HEY! Okay or work together for every question to get it done twice as fast? Oh wait but then I'll be the one carrying the team... Bummer..." You stretched the corners of your mouth until your lips disappeared.

"I honestly don't feel like doing work so lose-lose." He pouted and rolled his eyes.

"Same... I can't even focus, I'm having a rough morning..." You openly admitted, "I got sent to detention for being late in my first class."

"Detention? Didn't think you were the type." Jaeyun had an unexpectedly sweet giggle which contrasted with his lower tone voice, "Heeseung and Sunghoon get sent often, surprised they aren't kicked out of the school."

"They get sent often?!" Your voice rose to which you quickly quieted down to avoid trouble, "Will I see them there?"

"Why? Looking forward to going now?" Jaeyun whispered with a grin, causing you to scoff.

"As if..." A sudden idea coming to mind, "Say Jaeyun... About the party... Heard you guys have a place in the woods...?" You became aware that you could pry some information out of him that would help you when searching the woods that night.

"Yeah, we do... We don't normally tell people about it." He said casually yet still with some sort of caution.

"So why tell us then?"

"Haven't had any visitors in a while..." Jaeyun toyed with his mechanical pencil, using the plastic part to trace around his lips, "Awfully interested aren't you?" He seemed to have caught on to your intentions, shifting the mood of the conversation around in a full 180.

Suddenly the dream you had earlier slipped into mind, causing you to sit in growing discomfort, "What do you want from my friends and I?"

"Nothing sweetheart... We're more interested in you than your dormmates. You look like someone we know." He laughed like a psycho and it creeped you out how the two of you were just poking lighthearted jokes to something much darker and mysterious, "I know you're afraid of us, you know far more than most girls." His voice dropped to a whisper as he watched the teacher behind you to make sure he didn't see the both of you slacking.

"Kyungeun knows your secrets too she said she'll tell me."

"She's acting like we don't know her secrets." Jaeyun closed his textbook, "Y/N just remember this, Kyungeun is half as bad as we are and half as pure as you are."

"Alright class, that's it for today's class. This textbook assignment won't be due until Friday have a good lunch." The teacher interrupted, causing your conversation with Jaeyun to end on a hanging note.

"Good luck with detention."Jaeyun hushed in your ear.

_______________

p.s, i changed the cover lol don’t make fun of my photoshop skills!

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forkanna · 3 years

Link

[AO3 LINK]

CHAPTER WARNINGS: roleplay, making out, ass grabbing, trampling, high heel fetish, through-the-clothes orgasm.

CHAPTER THREE

Now that they had established a new game was beginning, the excitable ginger was tearing through her closet to create an 80s look with what she had. Which was plenty; it was her favourite decade, after all – even moreso now that she had visited it in person. She had a black faux-leather miniskirt that she seldom wore, and found a tight red top that went with it fairly well. There were fishnets from some Halloween or other she could add.

As she hastily undid her braids and put her hair up in a side ponytail, she thought about how different Elsa seemed now. A good-different; she was completely at peace with their relationship being unconventional, whereas she never had been before. That was great, right? Now she just needed to figure out why – but she wasn't going to let that spoil tonight. All in due time. For the moment, she focused on laying on make-up so thick that it made her look a little like a 'pro'. But that was the look back in the 80s, right? Really paint it on like you were trying to create a whole new face.

A Tori-face.

The shoes were still in Elsa's closet, but when she pushed open the door to fetch them she discovered her mother had been kind enough to leave them outside Anna's door. So thoughtful. It meant that when Anna saw Elsa for the first time, standing in the living room, they were both completely made up to resemble how they had first met as potential lovers, not as family.

And wow she looked different. A good different. A different that had heat and memories shooting through her because Elsa was dressed to the fucking nines. Not only did the cutoffs and pink crop top still look spectacular on her figure, but her hair was fluffed up, styled as it had been during the dance. It wasn't permed, and it wouldn't last, but as a temporary measure it was perfect. And that was without the bright red lipstick and heavy mascara. She looked really…

Hot. The word was "hot" – of the smoking variety.

It seemed that Anna had given her the same reaction, too. Elsa sat on the couch, arms limp at her side as she stared, wide-eyed. Her eyes roved up and down, lingering just a little longer than considered proper at Anna's chest.

"Hey, Baines," Anna tried, knowing it probably sounded ridiculous. But she wanted to try this for Elsa's sake; put her at ease. All aspects of their relationship staying to their own lanes. Not that she would keep pushing to go past kissing if Elsa stopped her cold, but who knew? Maybe this would let her get there all on her own.

"Hey, Tori," Elsa replied, pursing her lips to prevent her smile from turning into a shyly bemused grin. "You look rad."

"And you look totally awesome." Her eyes zoomed to Elsa's thighs again, which were a little thicker than in 1985 but she found that didn't bother her in the slightest. In fact, she was a little into it. "Like my shoes?"

Biting one of her painted lips, Elsa gazed down Anna's calves to the hot pink heels. A sound like a strangled whine made it through her throat, but she cut it off as quickly as she could.

"Really? Wow, that's one reaction to have, I guess." The teasing kind of came naturally to her now that she was in another skin. Now she was Tori, and not just herself, not her mother's daughter for the night. "Want me to step on you with these?"

There came a brief gagging noise of shock. Then Elsa pretended to scoff. "No way, barf me out! D-don't be so freaky."

"Okay, fine," Anna giggled, leaving that one alone for now as she sat next to Elsa. "Do you want some… dinner? Maybe a pizza? I think I can get my mom to loan us money for it."

"Nah I'm not really hungry," came the reply. Anna pursed her lips, leaning forward. "That's cool though. Your mom sounds amazing."

"You have no idea," Anna murmured, watching with delight as Elsa's breath came a little shallower and her face heated up. "But it's too bad you're not hungry."

"O-oh? Why's that?"

The question made Anna's smirk turn positively lecherous. "Because I'm famished."

And then she swung a leg over Elsa's lap, seating herself firmly before kissing her with as much strength as she could muster. Elsa threw herself into he contact, and Anna almost had to pull back because it was so much. Apparently, this had been all it would take to unleash Elsa's inner sexual beast. She wasn't out of control, but she was finally pressing her hands into Anna's back as they made out, giving herself over to the tastes and sensations. Imagining herself back in 1985, with the first girl she'd ever loved. Maybe the only girl.

After a while, when they had been grinding and kissing and resisting anything more, Elsa pulled back and gazed up into her eyes. "You… are either some kind of siren, or a devil. I'm not really sure."

"What's that, Elsa?" she teased. "You sounded like an old person just now."

"What I meant was… Tori, you skank," she laughed, and they both grinned and pressed their foreheads together. "Mmm… how did I get so lucky to have the raddest, baddest girl in Dell Valley on my lap?"

Anna resisted the temptation to say 'You made me' and instead whispered, "Fate intervened. We might have been separated by time and space if it didn't. But look: we get to hang out with each other."

"We do." A light kiss on her lips. "Mm, so sweet… but what about your girl back home?" It was an honest question, slipped in with the playing.

"Well… we talked about it, and I think she's okay with me exploring a little." She felt slightly guilty; she needed to discuss this with Punz again, and explain it was still happening. But at least they hadn't not talked about it. "As long as I always come back to her, that is. Not thrilled about it but she gets that it's not anything against her, or me trying to say she's less important."

"If you're sure…" Elsa hesitated. There was no such hesitation in Anna's voice or her face when she responded, leaning down to nuzzle against Elsa.

"Absolutely. We had to discuss… y'know, stuff. And while this wasn't a for sure thing, it was pretty high up the list… now, do you wanna talk, or do you wanna smooch?"

Without further preamble, she kissed Elsa again – and this time, Elsa kissed back. Not just with her lips. Now she allowed herself to run her hands through Anna's hair, too. To press back. To give. Anna wasn't complaining. Quite the opposite. She was enjoying it, far more than she ever thought she would. Of course, she remembered how it felt when Elsa pleasured her. She even remembered how it felt when Elsa kissed her that morning a few weeks back. But she was still unprepared for how it would feel when she was in control.

And, by the way Elsa was squirming beneath her, humming into her mouth, it was pretty obvious that she felt similarly. "You're so… bad," Elsa finally gasped out. Anna chuckled.

"Good-bad or bad-bad?" she asked, despite not needing clarification. It was pretty obvious which one she was. Still, it was fun to tease, so she leaned forward so their lips why just barely touching. "Hmm? Which one is it?"

"Good! You're so good, Tori!"

Oh God. Elsa probably didn't mean to make that sound as hot as she did, but the intention changed little. Anna let out a throaty groan, eyes squeezing shut as she ground her hips into Elsa's already-rolling ones. They should stop. They should really stop. Barely ten minutes and it was getting out of hand.

"You're good, too," Anna breathed a minute later, when their mouths broke apart. "Mmm… and you look good. Do you know how much I like your ass in these shorts?"

That did seem to surprise her a little. Elsa drew back, blinking up at her daughter and smiling very faintly. "You do? I mean… I was kidding when I said you… well."

"What? Never realised you had one of the hottest asses imaginable? Come on." But when Elsa only blinked at her more, she reached down and gripped those cheeks as hard as she could, two huge fistfuls of flesh. "This is like, the raddest."

A loud gasp of desire flowed up from her as the fingertips dug into denim-covered muscles. "Tori! Nnhhh… oh, you're so bad…" Then she licked her lips and gazed up into her eyes. "You really like this that much?"

"Oooh, yeah. That okay?"

"Yeah, Tori. Is it okay that I don't mind you doing that as much as I thought I would?"

"Fine with me," Anna giggled as she leaned down to kiss her neck. "In fact… can I get a good look?"

At this point, Elsa did balk. "Well… I don't think that falls under the category of 'just kissing', you know."

"Not a nude look, Elsa. Just want to enjoy the view. See those shorts work for you."

"I still think this is stretching it."

But then she got up from the couch and paced away, purposefully moving her hips as much as possible. Giving Anna a little more of a show than she did in the clothing store. There was a groan of pure appreciation from the couch, and when she turned around, Anna's eyes followed as she bit her lip.

"Like what you see?" she said, the words coming out as no more than a shy murmur. Anna's eyes found hers, and she gave a slow nod.

"You have no idea what you do to me, Elsa," she said earnestly. There was still heat in her words but it was different. The love she obviously felt had infected her tone, and there was no getting around it.

"Did you want to… touch?" Elsa asked. She couldn't hold Anna's gaze, and it was obvious this was stretching the limits of her comfort zone. Anna noticed; of course she did.

"I would love to, but I can think of a couple of better things to do. That is, if you wanna wiggle that gorgeous ass back on over here."

Suddenly, Elsa's brief bout of nervousness vanished, and she let out a little squeak. Before, of course, doing exactly what Anna had asked. She didn't have a chance to sit down before Anna had moved, though. Lifting one dainty foot, she pressed it just below Elsa's stomach. She gasped, and Anna gave a wicked little grin.

"You know…" she said, "my mom always hated when I put shoes on the couch. Can't get in trouble now, can we?" She leaned forward a little, still grinning. "Kinda fun to take a walk on the wild side, huh?"

For a moment, Elsa didn't seem to be sure of what to say. Then she purred, "I thought you were just going to step on me with those hot pink heels of yours. The way you threatened to do."

That intrigued Anna. Maybe Elsa was just playing, or maybe she really wanted to try that. So for a moment, she ground the heel down a little harder against the union of her shorts, prompting a loud moan. Clearly, this was doing a lot for her, even if it was only because of the stimulation itself.

"I think," she began to whisper as she noticed Elsa bucking against the heel, "that you wanted me to threaten you with this."

"Ohhhh, Tori," she began to pant as they both worked on Elsa's orgasm together. Because it seemed that would be happening soon: if one of them didn't call a halt to everything that was transpiring, it wouldn't take all that long. And Elsa was the most likely to do that.

But she didn't. A minute slipped by, and still they were working the sole of the pink heel up and down against the shorts. Something was so scandalous about this that Anna felt herself flushing, even beyond how turned on it was making her to watch her mother come undone this way. She wanted more: she wanted to tear her clothes off, devour every inch of her. Let Elsa do the same when she was done. But for now, this was incredible and glorious.

One of the little "AH!" noises clued her in that the end was near. She was tempted to switch up her tactic… see what else she could do for Elsa. But this was already far beyond what they had agreed upon, and she felt guilty enough as it was.

So instead she just pushed a little harder, and said, "You look so fucking hot."

Elsa whimpered, her hands holding Anna's foot against her. Her eyes had slipped shut and she seemed completely unaware of the world.

It gave Anna an idea, and as surreptitiously as she could, she began taking off the other shoe. Was it her foot? Or the shoe, and the memories associated with it? Either way, Anna was starting to feel quite grateful that Elsa had kept these, even though they had been used to corner her initially. It took her a little longer to remove the shoe than she hoped, mostly because Elsa's movements were becoming more erratic, and her gasping was very distracting.

But finally it was free and caressing up and down Elsa's leg. The eyes that had been shut widened immediately, and they even looked a little fearful. Elsa was too far gone to do anything about it, especially when the shoeless foot joined the one being ridden.

"Ngh!" Elsa said, hands coming to hold Anna's bare sole. Anna almost couldn't keep the grin from her face – though the heat in her own center made it a little easier than it otherwise would have been.

"You like that?" she asked softly. Elsa didn't seem able to speak because all she gave was a shaky nod and another moan. It still spurred Anna on. "C'mon, baby, you can let it happen. Let my sexy feet take you there."

Well that sounded awkward. She wasn't used to dirty talk – if this could even be considered that dirty. She had never tried on Jennifer, and never needed it with Elsa in the past. But it seemed like the thing to be doing to help her finish.

"Tori… ohhhh, yes… AH!" It didn't take much longer. Seemed that using her lower extremities instead of lips or hands was just the kind of loophole that Elsa needed to feel a little less ashamed of their encounter. Either that, or she really did have a thing and this pushed her past her reservations.

At that point, they came to the same conclusion. The climax was spectacular, and Anna had never seen anything more erotic. Except perhaps for Jennifer doing the same; that was pretty on par. Over and over, she bucked into the hard sole of the shoe as she rode it out, panting hard and relinquishing all hope of keeping her voice down or pretending this wasn't something she had been waiting for over the past thirty years.

Once weak and lying down on the couch, sucking in breath after breath, Anna turned and crouched over her, pressing her lips into a hot chin, a bottom lip. Elsa leaned up for her, and they met for a brief few seconds. Then Anna pulled back to smile down at her.

"Somebody likes those shoes a LOT."

"Ohhh, Tori," she whispered again. Then she chuckled. "Well… maybe I do. But it wasn't the shoes as much as it was the woman in them." Another brief kiss. "I'll probably feel awful about this in the morning, but right now? I'm happy."

"Me, too, Elsa." Another kiss. Then she smirked and wriggled backward until she was hovering over Elsa's hips. "Mmm… something smells delicious down here."

Anna laid little kisses on Elsa's stomach, but she didn't stray any closer to the source of the scent. Elsa seemed to be too tired to protest… or perhaps she just didn't care anymore. That bore investigation.

But Elsa reached down for Anna's face when it seemed she would try and move lower down. She didn't need to speak to remind her daughter of the rules they had put in place. Anna just rolled her eyes and returned to nuzzle Elsa's belly.

"Above the waist," she said, kissing deep red marks into the pale skin. "I know."

"Are- are you sure Jen- your girlfriend is okay with this?" Elsa asked. It seemed she'd given up trying to completely stop Anna's persistent advances.

"Pinky swear," Anna grinned. "Or… pinky-toe swear…?"

Elsa groaned, throwing her head back. Anna took it as a sign to get back to work. "Anna… what we just did is not normal. You know that, right?"

"Though we were calling me 'Tori' tonight?" But she knew it was true, and that Elsa had a point. So she crawled up to settle their bodies against each other. "Alright. Is this a little better? Just this?"

Nodding, she reached up to run her fingers through Anna's side-ponytail with a vague smile. "Sorry. I know… you're probably a little disappointed at how this turned out. But I'm not."

"Why would I be disappointed? I finally got to pay you back for how good you made me feel thirty years ago. And I've wanted to. Even then, I would have if some big idiot hadn't interrupted us."

"Well… I'm tempted to say that would have been better, because we were on even standings. But I think… if you paid me back for it, I would never have been able to let myself marry Kristoff. Or bear his children. I would have done everything I could to hunt you down."

At that, Anna's grin finally turned a little shy again, for the first time in nearly an hour. "Really?"

"Yes." Then she nuzzled up into Anna's neck. "But… for now, Tori, I'm just happy we both turned out as well as we did, considering. So… thank you."

"Thank me? For going back in time and fucking everything up?"

"For doing everything you could with what you knew. It was… an admirable effort? That sounds like I'm saying you failed, but I don't mean that; I just mean that I'm happy with my life, and I think that's because of how much you showed you cared about me back then. Nobody else ever had. My parents tried, but they could never seem to listen to me, and… and it sounds like I continued that trend in the other timeline. Can you possibly forgive me?"

"Oh…" Anna's whimper was sweet and full of affection. She leaned down to better cuddle into Elsa, just enjoying their shared body heat. "In my eyes, you've never done anything that needed forgiving, Elsa. But, like… if it's something you need, then of course I forgive you!"

Elsa's returning snuggle was grateful, full of love and appreciation. Anna didn't want their 'special night' to come to a close on a down-note. If she only had one night to spend like this in the foreseeable future, then she wanted to appreciate all of it. All of Elsa.

"Hey, why don't I order a pizza or something? And you could grab a shower, or… or whatever, and we can just chill?"

But, to Anna's surprise, Elsa shook her head. "Can we just stay like this?" she asked, and… well, that honestly sounded like something Anna would say. Perhaps it was the orgasm, or perhaps Elsa had come to the same conclusion as Anna. Either way, Anna wasn't about to complain. Instead she just smiled, and embraced Elsa tighter.

"Love you," she breathed quietly.

"Love you, too." Lips pressed into her cheek, and she smiled wider. "Can't believe you got me off with your shoe."

"Hey, you were into it! And I can't, either… I mean, it was fun, but I was kinda hoping to go down on you. Bring it full circle or whatever."

"Sorry," Elsa chuckled good-naturedly. "Really don't know what came over you."

"Came over ME?! You're the one who got off to it!"

Tutting loudly, she pushed Anna back to shoot her a 'disapproving mother' look that made Anna snort. "Really? You can't believe that you stroking me through my shorts with any body part, let alone with something Tori wore to the dance, would make me extremely hot? Hmm, normally you're sharper than that."

Anna grinned toothily. "Oh I know," she said. "I just wanted to hear you say it."

"You just- Hey!" Elsa gave Anna's shoulder a light slap. But there was a smile on her face that matched Anna's, and it wasn't long before they were both cuddling each other once more.

They lay there together for some time – it was impossible to keep track. It was nice. It was incredibly comfortable. Anna never wanted to leave because, even if she ignored all the sexual stuff, there had been a really long period in her life where the only thing she wanted was a mother to hold her. Then Elsa spoke and Anna couldn't help groaning in lament at losing this sacred moment.

"Okay now I really do need to go take a shower," she said, laughing when Anna made a noise and pressed her face in further.

"Noooo…." she whined. "Don't wanna move…."

"Cmon, Tori," she chided. "You want me to be comfortable, don't you? It's like a swamp down there." Anna stilled for a moment, before mumbling something. Once more Elsa chuckled, stroking her hair. "What was that?"

Looking up, Anna cleared her throat. "I um…I could clean you up," she offered, face burning.

There was a pause. Not a brief one, either; it was apparent that Elsa was truly mulling over the idea. Then she finally leaned up to kiss her cheek very tenderly.

"No, Anna. That does sound… wonderful, but I already feel a bit guilty for just what we've done so far. But I guarantee you that I'll never forget you offering."

"Aww," Anna pouted, though she remained on top of Elsa. "But it smells so good…" Still, she finished up with, "Can we at least cuddle a little longer before you go shower off?"

Rolling her eyes, Elsa sighed, "Fine, fine. I have to admit I don't much feel like moving either. Ten more minutes."

"Good. I can do ten minutes."

~ o ~

So they did. Anna stayed laying on top of her mother for another ten, which turned into fifteen before they agreed to get up and do something else. Reluctant as she was to let Elsa go, fearing that they would never get this chance again – or at least not for several months – she was at least glad she could do that one thing for her.

Then Elsa went for a shower. Anna tried the doorknob, thinking she would be sneaky and tease her through the curtain a little, but it was locked; she even heard Elsa call out "Ah, ah, ah!" at the sound of the knob rattling, and felt faintly embarrassed that she got caught.

After that, Anna had her shower. In turn, she left the door unlocked intentionally to see if Elsa would try the same, and was unreasonably disheartened when she refrained. That feeling completely vanished when she stepped into the kitchen, wearing her threadbare pyjamas and still tousling her hair, and spied Elsa.

Or, the creature Elsa had turned into.

Honestly, Anna hadn't thought she spent too long in the shower. Twenty minutes, give or take. Those twenty minutes were more than enough for Elsa to give herself a complete makeover. She wore a dress Anna had never seen before, fancy and sophisticated. It fit her so well it was like Elsa was half the age she was.

Although, that could have been the hair and makeup, too. Instead of the faux-perm, Elsa had tamed her hair, likely using a curling iron to create gentle waves. It framed her face and rolled over her shoulders. It lightened up her whole face, which was coated in a conservative amount of makeup. Enough to remove the harshest of lines; a rouge to colour her cheeks and a dazzling blue eyeshadow reminiscent of the 80s without being as all-in 'Baines' as before.

"Well?" Elsa asked with a smirk. "Are you getting dressed? Can't go out looking like that."

"Go… out?" Anna echoed numbly.

"Of course! A nice meal to end a nice day?"

"Oh… I thought we were just going to bed early or something," Anna admitted with a slight blush. "You know, after the whole… like… turning down pizza…"

At that, her mother laughed a little and patted Anna's side. "You're right, I should have said something. And… I know we can't exactly go as 'dates', since everyone knows us in Dell Valley. But I still want to take you out."

"Well… sure, yeah! I just… well, I feel silly dressed like this when you're dressed like that. But it won't take me long! Be right back!"

So Anna went tearing back to her room and changed out of her PJs and into a nice blouse and a skirt in record time; she didn't have many actual 'dresses' as such, so it was the best she could do. She was just looking at her damp hair when Elsa appeared.

"Want me to do your braids? Or something special?"

"Just braids are cool," she said. After all, she would be putting them in braids when she went to bed, anyway – and anything else would take too long.

They seated themselves on the bed and Elsa brushed through her hair before she began to braid it in a French braid; a little different than she had first insinuated. "Always did think you had such lovely hair… first as Tori, and then you when you were little. Then both of you, when I realised you were the same person."

"I had to have gotten it from somewhere," Anna said, smiling even though Elsa couldn't see it. Hopefully she could hear it instead. "Though I can't believe I got the ginger gene when no one else seems to have it at all. You sure I don't have some mystery sperm donor dad?"

"Stop! No!"

"Well… okay, but I'll hold you to that."

They were both quiet for a moment. "I think it suits you perfectly," Elsa said eventually as her nimble fingers made quick work of Anna's hair, and soon she was finished. Still, they sat there for a little while longer.

"I kinda wish I didn't have so many freckles, though," Anna admitted. "The hair's okay, but when the colour invades my face…"

"Aww, sweetheart," Elsa began, circling her arms around Anna and pulling her back against her for an improvised embrace. Anna relished in the feel of Elsa's soft breasts at her back. "I wouldn't change a single thing about you. Never."

Honestly, Anna could have stayed in her arms like that forever. But, they had plans – if not an actual reservation – so reluctantly, she pulled herself away.

"We better go," she said, twisting around to face Elsa as she got to her feet. "Otherwise we'll miss dinner. Although…" She bit her bottom lip as Elsa slid to the edge of the bed. One delicate eyebrow raised in the direction of the redhead, and Anna shrugged her shoulders. "I mean, I might miss dinner, but I got all the dessert I need right here."

It was pretty obvious to what she was referring, and a blush steadily grew on Elsa's cheeks. "You… are… impossible to deal with. Impossible!"

It made Anna laugh, before leaning forward to grab her mother's hands and tug her up. "C'mon! Let's go show you off to the world!"

To Be Continued…

#Fractal The Future #elsanna fanfiction #forkanna writes #fruipit #crossover fanfiction #elsanna #jess the writer

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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

Text

Aight, so, I'm about to just fucking eviscerate myself, and I need to say some shit before I do so. In fact, the next several chapters is gonna be all dark negative shit about you and me and life and our problems. I decided to save all the cool weird shit till the end.

First of all you can't take this wrong way. This chapter is dedicated to me just saying all the things I did wrong, without any explanation unless it's absolutely required, and I'm bout to just go the fuck off on myself. It's basically a list of horrible memories and reasons to hate me. But look, everyone does bad shit, some more than others, some worse than others. Not everybody does what I'm writing though. I'm about to acknowledge my awareness of what was wrong about me, validate how it affected us, and own up to it.

In general I write and work on all the mistakes of my past and when I work on this specific project I work on all the problems we had and ways we hurt each other. That's not the whole picture. All day long all the time, I think about all our good memories and how special and great you are, that's what keeps me going. And then I gotta find answers and solutions. Those answers are hidden within the problems, and they are the things that are broken.

There are a lot of reasons I did all these things. So much of it was out of my control and just hurt me as much as it hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be feeling or acting or being like this. Some of its not like that though, some of these are just me. Just me being an asshole or me just sucking. There's no explanation or justification to any of this, but there are reasons, and those reasons do not buy any forgiveness, but at least, for the both of us, we can at least see I was truly not some psychotic asshole evil person at heart. But I'm not writing about those reasons here. I'm gonna attempt to just flat out say this shit.

That's the last couple things to keep in mind. It's one of the reasons I have chosen to continue living, these are not the things of my heart. Deep down in my heart I feel like I never skipped a beat. I have always been good in my heart. That was hard for me to accept honestly. That's how I'm trying to live my life now. None of these things truly came from my heart, they came from my ego, my pain, my stupidity, and just how I was almost forced to respond to life. I was created by my environment and I just took the worst path. I could've been forged by the fire but instead I burned.

This is the first point of order but also kinda part of the preamble. My stupidity. That is one thing that really ties this whole story together, extends from beginning to end. I'm just fucking stupid. The things I've done and the thoughts in my head and all of that, just stupid. Even now that I finally truly understand myself, and realize not everything was just a stupid mistake, but see how I slipped up, or I was misled, or reality was warped, or my mind played games on itself, or things weren't in my control, I still just feel stupid. I feel like while almost everything had a point of origin, had a long backstory, and had a set of circumstances leading it to happen, 99% of it could ALSO at the same time be explained with one thing: I'm fucking stupid. So much of this shit I think about, like this whole books worth of shit, was right in front of my fucking face and super obviously and blatant and self explanatory, yet I can see the reasons my mind missed it, but still, I'm like God DAMN what a fucking DUMBASS. I can see what led to my mistakes, that maybe they had good intentions, that maybe my failures were true attempts but failed for different reasons, and I look at my mistakes and I'm like holy shit what a fucking mouth breather. The things I've discovered and realized about you, they were really obvious at the time. Like in my mind as I discover them, it feels like I have unveiled some hidden secret and removed some illusion and found a deeper truth. Which often is truly the case. But about half of that? When I write it down in words. I'm like holy fuck what a tardo. It's like writing down "The sky is blue". And I'm still fucking stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm maybe less stupid than I was because I'm not all fucked up now, but looking back and seeing how stupid I was, that's the one thing I can't confidently say that I've fixed, I look back and see someone so fucking dumb that it's a joke to ever believe they could be less dumb. I'll get into this in the paranormal chapter, but I dont call myself a wizard for weirdo reasons, it truly is the one archetype that most closely matches the true nature of my soul, and even then, maybe one of the less talked about aspects of a wizard, but absolutely essential, is that he is the fool.

Hey me from the future here. I just spent a while writing this and then deleted it and stopped writing for a few days. I can't do it. I tried to write this out in excruciatingly overwritten detail and make it long as fuck. I just really want to own up to every single thing. I'm not gonna be able to do that. This entire couple years, I've been working through the stuff in my head and Journaling some of it. In the long run this is just my journal. Well some of those things I wrote down really fucked me up. Like a few of the longer posts in my journal set me into a 3 week long mental episode. I'm not bullshitting about what I said, I haven't just been sitting around and thinking about you occasionally and sometimes writing stuff about you. I've been reliving and regressing and examining my whole life in extended detail. Several times it has fucked me up and writing this was trying to do that and I just can't have it. I'm doing really good right now. Also, I was getting really deep into like every single bad thought in my head and they just aren't relevant. Every good thought I had during those times also had a doubt or a bad thought or something selfish, and everyone has that, and it isn't the real them, so I ain't writing that shit. Also, the times on this mental journey where processing stuff messed me up, sometimes it was just working through something tough, but a lot of times it was self imposed punishment. I don't believe my punishment is over for the way I've lived my life, but I simply can't do it to myself anymore. I did it until I was near death and felt so bad that I finally stopped and I'm not starting again. So I'm still gonna confess my sins but I'm not gonna go crazy with it. Like I said this is really just my final journal of the subject and it's directed at you but its for me, but if for some reason you've found this, and your one hang up is that I didn't say and explain every fucked up thing I did in painful levels of detail, just let me know.

Well of course it's starts at the start. Just at the start it was just me being a normal flawed dickhead, before all the crazy and evil. I didn't bullshit you on my sob story about Kammy. Yes, bitch was crazy, yes I had a TBI, yes I had just come out of a dementia tier 6 month trance. The part I left out that I was a dysfunctional dickhead. This is really the only part I'm adding explanations too, I swear. I was a fuckin asshole and bad at life and aimless and a loser and prone to agoraphobia and dissociation and tantrums of anger. Everyone hides shit like at the start. You hid a way bigger side. It's just that I lied and we saw the fruits of it. I just thought that was all due to my unhappiness and I just wasn't gonna be like that anymore it was a new me. That worked for a while.

See I got frontal lobe damage. Say someone really nice got frontal lobe damage. They would get a little meaner. It would be really obvious. Well I got frontal lobe damage so I guess everyone just thought they were finding out how mean I really was. And I'm anti-medicine and psychiatry. And I'm prone to dissociation and hiding my true thoughts. And I had childhood ptsd. And my life was already not going well and I was not putting myself into it. And THEN I got frontal lobe damage. Twice. So yeah I lied about that. I thought it was just really bad depression and when we met I was just then coming to terms with having a TBI, and thought it was just gonna be cognitive issues. No, I hit my head so fucking hard that cerebral fluid leaked out of my nose for 8 months and 5 years of my life were ruined. I just thought it was all my unhappy life with Kammys fault and I was free now and I was in control and I was gonna be a bad ass and just defeat all my demons at once.

Since this is the only time I'm gonna address the beginning of our relationship in a negative light, I wanna give it a small paragraph. I did not try to date you because you were young, or vulnerable, or the way you are. Just wanna put that out there. I know a lot of people thought that. I really have nothing else to say about that or feel any need to try and prove that. It's just true. I loved you and you're amazing, that is the only reason I wanted to be with you. No confession coming from that, but I felt one was expected, so I wanted to add this in.

Now, you were in fact vulnerable. Not gullible but like willing to listen/follow. You were vulnerable because of your situation. The only reason I liked that was just because you were down to roll and no baggage. I see the people around you take heavy advantage of your naive nature. I was always very careful with that. If I ever even broached that territory, I made sure I was being careful and not trying to fuck you around. That said I do have a confession, it's small in the grand scheme of things, but it really makes me wanna fucking puke and it's super cringe. I guess I just saw you as a girlfriend at first. Mostly this is just those typical first doubts everyone has. But I figured we would date for a year or so and I would help you out and then you could go off and find someone better for you. Like the dark side of my mind saw you as just company and temporary at first. I know this contradicts my previous story. This isn't the full story, this is my confession. This is me talking myself out of believing in the love I really felt. But then I just kept getting to know you more and realizing I really couldn't live without you. But I had just come out of this long ass relationship and then had all this fun being alone and dating, so I was just flooded with doubt and insecurity. That's not the confession. The confession is I then proceeded to try and manipulate you into some weird relationship dynamic that would put all my fears to rest and "not fuck my life up by being tied down". It was really scummy and doglike and you never were into it just went along with it to be with me. When you moved in I dropped it and that was your plan all along lol. Just being a normal dog man honestly but I feel gross for acting like that.

Now I will say I always brought up throuples. I just wanna say I never said that because I'm polyamourous or I wanted a threesome. I have legitimate justifiable reasons for that. They just didn't apply to you and I didn't see it, and always brought it up. You even brought it up a few times on your own, so did kammy. Just for me, it's more about balance. Just doesn't apply to you. You're my match. You're literally almost too much for me. Other girls aren't like that. That said I brought it up too much, and generally had a wandering eye because Im just a perv, but I shoulda kept that shit to myself. It's hurtful and degrading to say stuff like regardless of what's behind it.

I remember the first time I got mad at you and I do not regret it. I wish so bad to remember what you actually said that made me mad. I raised my voice slightly and said something very stern, slightly rude maybe. You were being disrespectful to the level of degrading. I don't regret it, but that broke the seal. Up until then,, I had just ignored you or stood my ground quietly, or at least calmly. I never should've stopped doing that.. The next couple times it happened, a few times it was the only way I was able to get my point across, and it worked. A few times were my first slip ups into my old bad self.

I only wrote that last paragraph to make a point. Anger is okay. But more than that, not being gentle is okay, standing my ground and sticking up for myself is okay. But I'm making a point. The first couple times were okay, or small mistakes. Pretty much every time after that was fucked up and wrong.

I was mean and unpleasant towards you for the rest of our entire relationship. Look you're a brat, emotional, and dramatic, and I miss all those things about you. At first it was just dealing with that, getting frustrated, or typical boyfriend girlfriend fights.

But then, I just got mean. Each day I got worse. I was the boy you loved who was so caring and thoughtful and nice. Then week by week I just got meaner.

There's a lot a reason but that's not what this is here for. It doesn't matter who's fault the anger was or what was behind it. It doesn't matter what lines I never crossed. I was mean. Over and over and over again. I chose to be mean again and again. I was just mean all the fucking time sometimes. I was mean over nothing. I snapped over nothing. I woke up already mad.

I blamed you. I blamed you for just fucking everything sometimes. I blamed you for things that you did actually do, they were you're fault, the blame was yours, but I chose to be mean about it. I insisted you did it on purpose whether you did or didn't. Sometimes you didn't didn't do anything. But regardless, I blamed you for one reason or the other, and my response was to get angry, throw a fit, withhold things from you, refuse to be nice to you, or refused to do something you asked or take you somewhere, because I blamed you and I was being fucking mean.

I held resentment too. I didn't stop blaming you or being mean about something just because the fight ended. It continued onward until you either proved me wrong or stopped doing it. And of course you didn't stop, I was being mean as fuck, you're just like me, I accused you and Kammy of doing the same thing to me: I was mean so you felt unloved, I didn't provide you an environment or chance to say sorry and change, I shamed you for it and I made it seem like our love was on the table, and that hurts, so you acted out. And then when you acted out I was twice as mean. And when you did it again I was quadruple mean, regardless if it was on purpose, on accident, or just in my head.

I was mean all the time. I yelled. I threw things. Multiple times I threw totinos pizzas or food. I stayed mad for hours.

There was a similar progression with how I dealt with your craziness. At first I was accepting and tried to help. Then it just got ridiculous. I would say one thing and you would completely shut down or lock yourself in the bathroom. At first it was like you would have an episode, or a panic attack, and I would calm you down for an hour and it still didn't work so I would try anger. And then that gap got shorter, I would try to help for a shorter time, and I wasn't just trying anger, or trying to show frustration, I was getting mad. Then there was a period where your mental episodes to me just meant we were having a fight so I fought with you, made it worse, extended it. And then there was the transitional phase where you were getting less crazy and I was getting more crazy, and at that point slowly I started thinking fuck this bitch. The second you had an issue I was like oh here we go again. If it wasn't directly related to me I would still try to help you, if you seemed legit upset. But if it was something between us I just instantly turned it into a dramatic fight and started being mean.

I did help you. By pushing you, being stubborn, maybe getting a little loud and stern. I helped you get outside more and feel better for things and be able to go do stuff without it being a big panic attack. But then I kept going. I kept pushing harder and harder. I stopped seeing you for who you really are and just wanted you to just shut up and be okay all the time. I was pushing myself so hard, and I felt you needed to be pushed that hard. So I just pushed harder and harder, got more loud, got more mean, got angry more quickly, and got more frustrated and it just grew and grew.

I wrote like a 4 page dissertation on the time I made you cry with spray cheese. I just feel so fucking bad about it. I put spray cheese on you and it triggered your autism really hard and you started crying. I almost got a little mad but then I tried to comfort you. I decided I had tried enough and you had cried enough. Really I kinda did. I tried to calm you down and make you feel better. You kept crying so I was just gonna let you cry. And you just cried more and more you just started all over from the beginning. I realize now that maybe you were just that upset, or you were crying because your heart was breaking over all the stuff going on in our lives. God it made me so made. I yelled at you to shut the fuck up. I thought you were doing it on purpose and you refused to let me comfort you and you were crying loud on purpose. I'm not giving you reasons, that's part of the confession, it's horrible that I even thought that. And even if I did think that, ptsd or not, why the fuck would I act like that. Jesus christ. A poor crying sad girl and I thought she was doing it to fuck with me so I yelled at her.

I'm getting off track but thats honestly one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I was glad to be getting some writing done but I'm gonna have to stop for a while. That's one of those memories that makes me physically sick. It doesn't matter how guilty I feel BTW, that's not what I'm trying to say. It just makes me sick. What a horrible thing. A lot of people in prison for heinous crimes divorce themselves from the idea that it was the real them that did the crime. I'm not doing that. I wish I could. I wish you would call me and say you were actually doing it on purpose. But it makes me just as sick to think I did such a cruel thing, but it makes my head spin because that is also one of the clearest memories of how fucked up I was in my brain. I cannot believe the thoughts I had, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted. That is not me. I'm not divorced from shit, I did that shit, I know why I did it, I can feel myself doing it. That's not me. The real me would've let you cry for hours while holding you and did whatever it takes later to find out what was really wrong. It doesn't matter. That was so horrible and cruel. A lot of our other bad memories have at least some nuance to them, some back and forth, 2 toxic sick people, at least some semblance of a dramatic fight, not this one. It makes me feel like I am truly evil inside. I cannot imagine how bad I hurt you by doing that. I can't imagine the feelings you were feeling. To have your autism trigger and then your emotions start pouring out and me telling you to shut the fuck up and being mean. I feel like if I could feel the feelings I made you feel that night, I would actually die. I have to stop writing for a few days.

I didn't abuse you. Hold your horses before you shit yourself. There's just no part of this confession where I say "I'm your abuser I'm sorry". You can put your boots in the over and callem biscuits but that don't make it so.

I tried to ram the theory that I'm an abuser so far up my ass so many times. It just isn't true. I am a piece of shit that did bad things. I am a sick person in a bad situation. I'm an angry mean person.

You know in my edit above where I said sometimes the work and Journaling I've been doing messed me up? My story of what I've put my time into isn't bullshit. I haven't been sitting around musing about my ex girlfriend. I have been investigating, researching, and experimenting, every aspect of my life, every shadow, every part of my brain, health, ego, and every memory. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get to the bottom of it. A lot of times this shit affected my work, my lifestyle, my health, my mental status.

You know which one fucked me up really bad? I wrote down every bad thing you did or made me feel but I used the terminology of domestic abuse and described what happened in the language of an abuse victim. It fit very very well. By the time I finished writing it I think it sent me into a spiral that lasted 6 weeks. Writing about my episodes and uncovering my trauma fucks me up, writing about good memories also particularly hurts me, but I remember this one particularly fucking me up. Don't worry, I saw through it. I explored every possibility I could think of and it was one of the dead ends.

I don't know why it fucked me up so bad. I fucking hope not because it was actually true. That it fit so well that I had to completely lie to myself and keep writing to reinforce my denial. I think it was just such a dark ending and hid too much truth. This was way before I started having revelations and improvements. So I think my brain was like NO BITCH START OVER.

An abuser is a specific kind of monster and criminal. Now, they do have "reasons" and could be self aware of them like I am. I don't call them reasons. I call them origins. They may have psychological problems, or be part of a cycle of abuse. Hint hint. But they cross a line at some point. They aren't doing it out of pathology, they aren't doing it on accident as a trauma response or a bad learned behavior. They cross a line where abuse is just what they do. I would say it's out of hatred, but I think most of them are sociopaths, so it's really out of nothing, they don't see you as a person. The things they do are cruel and intentional. They trick you into loving them, manipulate your emotions to keep you under control.

An abuser is an evil demon, who you fear, who hits you, hurts you, and then tells you it's your fault. Meeting an abuser is the same as getting mugged in an alleyway. You're a random victim of a criminal. You weren't chosen for any reason other than your victimizable. An abuser degrades, they tell you the dinner you cooked is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your stupid and its all your fault. Verbal abuse, yelling at you for no reason, they may be yelling at you about something but they are doing it for no actual reason other than to abuse you. Emotional abuse. Your emotions are nothing but a tool for them. That's the abuse cycle. They make you feel absolutely horrible and at fault about everything, make you feel bad and disgusting, that's the abuse. They make you feel worthless and not redeemable, so you must stay with them, and of course threaten to kill you if you leave. Then the literal abuse ends. They make sure you know it's all your fault, and then you have a period of peace, usually beginning by showering you with good emotions and presents. You see the "other side" of them and can't help but love them and you're being flooded with positivity. There's no other side of them, there's just an on/off switch to the literal abuse part, and trickery and manipulation. You're either scared to leave them, or in love with them during manipulated positivity, one or the other. You're never just their girlfriend. And then one day you escape. Abusers may come back for you and try to trick you back, but 99% of them disappear forever and find a new victim within 6 months, that's an fbi statistic. Abusers don't feel remorse. Maybe they can change, but personally I don't think they can. That line can't be uncrossed. The abuser, in their mind, is fully justified in their behavior. They think they did the right thing. There's no struggle, it's not a hard relationship that didn't work out, it was a stage play where they are the lead role and you're a side character that deserved what they got and you're the one that abandoned them.

What I did was bad. I was a real piece of shit. I hurt you a lot and made you cry. You hit me with some pretty bad shit. I didn't do that though. I almost kinda think what I did was worse, which is what this rant is leading up to. If I could just say to myself yeah my behavior was abuse, I coulda ended this whole thing right there. I tried pretty hard to do that. If I was able to come to that conclusion, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn't have you on my mind anymore either. This story would've wrapped up cleanly 8 months ago with a nice bow on top. I would've known exactly what to do for myself as well. Paradoxically, and only because it's not true, my heart would've put an end to this story. Abusers don't have good hearts, that's why it's a paradox, and abuser would just carry on as normal. But if I landed on that the solution would've been simple. Either I would have stopped working on myself, no longer any motivation either because of you, or to have a woman in my future. I would never let it happen again. Or, I would have just killed myself, like all abusers should have. Now, I did damn near accept you as my abuser, like I said it lines up very well. I looked at my own behavior and was like nah, doesn't line up. Bad, should feel bad, maybe should kill myself anyway, but doesn't line up. Yours lined up, but I looked deeper, I know what happened now, photo finish on that one, glad I kept going, turned out good.

I was manipulative, as I've already confessed. You're stubborn and feral. My manipulation was good hearted, my manipulation was me trying to train you to live better and act better. And then, life got worse, and my illness got worse, and my manipulation did become very mean, the good intentions remained, but so did Ghengis Kahns good intentions. My teaching truly did become manipulation and pressure and anger. I also manipulated you to try to prove my PTSD fears untrue.

I yelled at you. I yelled really loud and angrily at you. What was I yelling about though? One of two things, either literally our exact relationship problems and the solutions to them, a good talk we needed to have, except I was fucking yelling because I was insane, and you weren't listening because I was yelling. Or, I yelled about all the fucked up shit in my head, an overflow of all the shit I was repressing.

It's embarrassing to say, but yeah we had those toxic dramatic moments that both toxic and abusive couples had, but they were fucking temper tantrums like a 5 year old. Now, that doesn't really describe well the content of what was in my head, or what was going on in our lives, but those peak moments of drama were essentially a really gigantic toddler fucking losing his shit in a really skilled fashion.

I never insulted you, degraded you, I never talked about your body, your mind, I never insinuated that your some piece of shit is the reason we are having the issue. I know some of my behavior may have scared or disturbed you, and undoubtedly it damaged you and hurt your heart, but you were never scared of me. You know what you did during these fights? Well a lot of times you fought back. In fact, a lot of these memories weren't just me having and episode, they were you having an episode, or us having a fight, or 2 really weird crazy people in a little house freaking the fuck out. Sometimes, you just sat there and cried, or defended yourself. Sometimes, you fucking hit me, through shit at me or around the house.

I did blame you for things. I blamed you for things you did, and blame is not how a relationship works, accountability is, and yelling is not how it works, talking is. But I blamed and yelled. I blamed you for things you did not do. I blamed you for things that were legitimate miscommunication or confusion, except instead of talking about it, and figuring it out, I was a piece of shit to you about it. I also blamed you for things that were 100% true in my mind, because my mind was broken. I blamed you for doing things that kammy did to me, because while maybe she didn't exactly purposely abuse me, she left such a litany of fucked up shit behind in my mind that there's no other word for it.

Abusers escalate. Our life did get worse. It wasn't an escalation of abuse. It was a progression of my mental illness, our life getting worse, and all the things stacking up and compounding. I ran. As it got worse, I started fucking running away. The episodes and delusions got worse, so when they happened, I started fucking running away half way through. I definitely was getting louder, and getting really prone to smashing shit, it was getting way way worse, so I did that shit, but something in me was like OH FUCK so I started running away. I remember one instance where the second I snapped I just fucking ran. You shoved me and yelled at me but I just felt that fucked up feeling and ran. I can remember also feeling fucked up and just putting my shoes on and leaving a bunch of times.

There was that one time, that time I burned myself with cigarettes. That's a different fucked up different thing for a different chapter.

An abuser traps you. They either manipulate you into staying, or threaten you to leave. I broke up with you every time I had an episode. After the episode I tried to get you to leave. I threatened you once, during the mentioned cigarette incident. I said every fucked up thing I could just to get you out of the house. The night the neighbor called the cops on us, I locked you out. I think that was my worst mental breakdown. I was trying to get you to leave. I was trying to end this. I didn't truly think it was your fault, I either thought it was my fault or some kind of mental problem. I just wanted it to end. I tried to get you to go home for a few months, or break up with you, or kick you out, or run away. I put every effort I had left into trying to figure out my problem and make it stop. I kept trying for 2 fucking years after you left to fix it until I finally did. I broke up with you. You did not escape me. I broke up with you and you finally left and I rambled incoherent bullshit to you on discord and never once tried or asked for you to come back.

Maybe an abuser would use this strategy, write this whole ass thing to try to get you back. They would be lying first of all. That's what abusers do. The abuse happens, then they fake how sorry it is but also gaslight/blame you. There was no abusive cycle with us. There was no up and down circular abuse cycle. It just straight sucked. The next day I did say how sorry I was and how scared I was and that I was gonna try really hard to fix it. I never once said it was because of you. I never flooded you with good emotions or gifts. Nope. The next day we just had the same fucking problems. The next whole month we had the same fucked up life, with occasional good memories or moments of chillness. And then one of us had another breakdown, or fight. That was the cycle. Two crazy kids getting fucked over by poverty and losing their minds together.

So just deal with it. I didn't abuse you. You basically almost abused me. That's just not what was happened. Maybe it's pathological of me to focus so hard on what the truth is. But its not the truth. When I find the truth, I accept it. I'm not working my way around it. This is the most life changing experience that happened to me ever and when I'm done rebuilding myself it's gonna influence the course of my entire life, and that will NOT be based on a lie or a rationalization, and if these memories are gonna fuck with me they are gonna fuck with me correctly.

You have been abused before. It was easy to tell yourself that all that happened was you got abused again. It was definitely easy to explain this complicated ass shit to other people. If that's what you had to tell yourself to keep going, fine. But you were there. I don't write this to trick you, I write this to give myself closure, and I kinda think none of this even matters to you at all, but I write this to in fantasy land also give you closure.

Now that I said that, let me invalidate all of it. If you felt abused, then you were abused. If you want to tell me what I did was abuse, I will listen, and I will accept it. You were undoubtedly my victim, I was also your victim, I was also my own victim, and you were the victim of the consequences and expressions of what I was a victim of. If you felt abused, you were, and I'm the abuser. I would rather you didn't think that. I don't think it's true enough, but you own your own truth. I would rather you think that I'm a piece of shit that hurt you really bad, a failure, a loser, a hurtful mean asshole, someone that betrayed you and let you down and fucked you over. All those things are true, I don't believe I abused you. I never did this out of hate, I never crossed that line, and I tried to stop it and didn't want it to happen. I'm an absolute curmudgeon, asshole, violent, dickhead, shitty piece of shit, and I hurt the fuck out of you forever and ever. It can't be undone and what we call it doesn't matter.

I think what I did is worse. I think all the shit I listed before the abuse rant is really fucking bad. In some fucked up way it would almost be better if those actions were out of abuse. Then it was just abuse and not your fault, and I'm an abuser so just throw me in the trash and forget all the memories, they are just trauma. That's softer than the truth. The truth is I was just a guy you loved that was an incredibly hurtful jerk asshole. Just by being himself. And you know what, a lot of it wasn't our faults. It was situational or an accident. That's fuckin horrible. That's like dropping a baby on its head.

Nah, I think it's still worse. With what I know now, now that I'm no longer insane, now that I know who you are and know who I am, I think what I know now is worse. We have both been brats and assholes our whole lives, and we both have had people abuse us our whole lives. Nah. This is worse.

It's that shit at the beginning. When we met. You were stuck out in that town, you felt like your family was abusing you, the one friend you had her boyfriend tried to rape you and she was manipulating you. Then this guy shows up and he has all the same interests as you. You were sitting around bored and sad and lonely and rotting away. He came and swooped you up. But then, you were nuts. But it didn't scare him off. Nah. You told him your secrets and things about yourself you were scared to say and he was like oh cool that's no big deal. He promised you this big dream life. Yall were gonna be a team and treat each other right. He was so interesting and you were telling people how cool he was and showing them this cool book he gave you. He got you a house and you started going crazy in there and he was always there to calm you down and help you work through it. You started feeling better and better, losing weight, skin glowing up, free from all the boredom and abuse you had at home. Things were tough and weren't always great but slowly we we learning things and putting our life together, making little improvements to our house, setting up little things we wanted, he planted you a garden, got you a guinea pig.

Then slowly, day by day, he betrayed you. You watched this guy that you thought was so amazing just slowly lose his mind, slowly the house got nastier and his attitude got nastier. Less and less he acted like that guy you met. More and more he blamed you. Life got less fun and more sad, you missed your home, you never got anything fun to. He got worse and worse, more loud, directed more at you. He wasn't even the guy you remember. The dream was dying. He used to be the guy that wasn't like the others and would never hurt you, no matter how hard you tried to test him or drive him crazy he always said look I love you get over it ill always love you we will figure this out. But he was so far from that. Now he was the guy that would hurt you over something you didn't even do, something that was just in his head. You had struggles at first together, but you were able to learn and figure them out together, and it made us both proud when we fixed a problem. But now, it's the same problem, every day, but worse each time. He used to be the guy that would take you camping and stomp around naked chasing a possum in the woods, the guy that would take you driving and stop to save a turtle off a road. Now he just lays there like a log. He brought you to this cool town and took you to all different stores and new places to eat but now he just lays there and gets mad if you ask for anything. When yall met you didn't have any money for yourself but he always took you to get a pony or a calico critter and some eyelashes but now he won't even pay to get your nails done, once, ever. He used to hold you until you stopped crying but now he tells you to shut the fuck up. You used to do fun projects together but now he just blows money on fish crap and makes the house a mess.. He was your guy, your favorite person, the guy that always showed up to save you and always helped you and always was gentle and took his time and always took you on an adventure but now he just lays there like a log and yells at you and is always mad and always drunk.

I can't imagine what that betrayal felt like. Watching everything go sideways and backwards and watching the person you finally gave your heart and trust to just mash it up with a hammer.

Well I do because it happened to me too but that's not my point. You loved me and would do anything for me and I made you so happy and I ruined it all. You watched me lose my sanity and become an evil zombie right before your eyes. You just wanted it to stop and you wanted your boy back but you didn't know what to do and he blamed it all on you and it all got ruined. What a fucking nightmare.

And I think of this sweet special girl. I remember you being really hard to put up with, really hard to figure out, hard to find the key too. But I just always felt that weird synchronicity, I felt like God damn she is so weird and complicated but I actually understand her exactly and know exactly what to do. I'm the guy for her and I'm glad I found her because I know bad people would do a really bad job at dealing with her. I remember this naive girl, her emotions were big, so when she gave her trust she gave all of it, or she would do anything to not lose a friend. So I saw people take advantage of it, I saw her get hurt and manipulated and put in bad situations. She was pure and honest and the people around her weren't. That's why she keeps getting in trouble. So I knew she had my trust, and would follow me, and thought I was smart and knew better so she would listen to me, and she never wanted to lose me so she would do whatever it takes. So I took that trust, like a delicate crystal, and I said I'm gonna make sure I always take care of her, if she listens to me then I'm gonna tell her the right thing, and I'm always gonna be careful and true and gentle and do life right by her.

And now I'm gone. First, I fucked all that up, and now I'm gone. And I gotta sit here and worry that she will be with someone that will abuse her and she will stay because she loves them and forgives them for it. I gotta think about her manipulative friend and wander what kinda bad situation she will get in. I gotta hope that maybe she meets someone nice that will protect her but I just can't imagine what kind of strange creature she would have to meet that would really understand her problems, and really appreciate the good and best things about her.

And I remember this really cool girl I fell in love with. She would go hunt for bones in the forest, or go drive around at night, go to burger king stoned at 3am, go hang out the anime festival, and she had her bedroom how she liked it. And I took that from her, and suppressed it, and made her boring, and made her life boring. And I remember a girl that loved her family and being around them so much and I took her away from them and wasted her time. I remember a girl that had big dreams and big desires and lots of hobbies and I took those all away and said no to everything either because I couldn't afford it or I was sick and an asshole.

I remember a girl that loved me so much and tried to give me her everything and I just yelled at her and hurt her. A girl that would've gone with me anywhere and I never took her anywhere. A girl that would've truly accepted me for who I am but instead I hid it from her and let it turn into evil inside of me. A girl that was so beautiful and so amazing and probably just the coolest ever but I never told her that because I was scared. A girl I thought the whole world of and lived my life for except I never showed her that and now I'm just another one of her bad memories.

I look at who I am and who I'm becoming, and my real self. Someone you never met and someone I totally forgot about, yet somehow, pretty much the guy you loved. Somehow you knew who he was underneath all this shit. I'm starting to remember him and find little pieces of him. It disgusts me. I think this is the thing I feel worse about. Worse than all the other things, because those things wouldn't have happened if I was that guy. There's really no good way to explain this to you, but I know it's true. You can't even get it I think. It would sound like a lie. But yeah. You fell in love with one of of good parts of me, and didn't care about my problems or how I looked. Definitely I'll probably never look like your dream guy. But in my heart? I can't describe this guy but any other way than this. He's you. He's your imaginary friend. He is so much like the real you, it's like it's two parts of the same soul. The real true me, that I hid away from the world, that all this bad shit happened to and twisted up. He is you. It matches your soul and everything I miss about you. He would've said yes to everything you ever asked him. He would've watched a Disney princess movie with you like he was your best friend and you were 7 years old on summer vacation. He would've laughed at everything you showed him. He would've made you so many bead bracelets your arm would fall off. It freaks me out. I've thought so long on who you really are, and who I really am, and this part of me that is so deep down that I didn't even know its there, and that deepest part. It's you man. It's fucking you. Its like someone you would dream up to be your best friend. And for me, I'm gonna explore that more and try to bring him out. But you'll never get to meet him. Its like Santa is real and left a Christmas present under the tree just for you and God tied a bow around it, and I snuck in the window and stole it and fucking threw it off a bridge and yelled at you instead.

Thank you by the way. Just wanna throw a thank you in there. Thought I knew myself so well and that I was gonna teach you how to fight life like me, and then kick it's ass together. Instead, life won, and you taught me so fucking much about myself it's ridiculous.

And then there's the worst thing of all.

I'm stupid and my problems were stupid. The situation we were stuck in didn't have an easy answer, but making it through it together was far from impossible. I doubted that you loved me and now that my eyes are clear I can look back now and see that you loved the fuck out of me. I thought you weren't trying and didn't care but I look back and see you trying your hardest and never giving up. I tested your love with my bullshit over and over again and you still stuck around and obviously loved me. You always picked me no matter what was happening. You never once talked about leaving me. I look back at the problems I had searched to solve for 20 years and they all had simple answers. Mostly. The journey was hard to get those answers but that was my own fucking fault. I basically could've stopped being a stupid bitch at any time and the answers would've shown themselves. I didn't understand what was going on in my head and all I had to do was tell you. I kept it all a big secret. I kept it a secret from then one person on earth that would've understood and then you would've understood what was happening and been able to help. I needed your help but refused to let you or ask you. I loved you more than anything but I refused to tell you because I thought you would use it against me. I thought you were so cool and I enjoyed everything about you so much but refused to tell you because your ego was too big.

Basically, this whole thing was complicated as fuck and hard as fuck to figure out but the solution was simple and right in front of me. It's my fault for making it hard and loud and complicated and it's my fault for being blind.

There was one simple solution and I don't even care that there was a million things that hid it from me and misled with me. I'm a dumbass.

All I had to do was trust you. Tell you the bad thoughts I felt. Told you the good things I thought about you and how much I loved you. And you woulda been like oh OK no problem. All I had to do was stop drinking and eat better and go to a few doctors. All I had to do was be truthful and honest for you. That's it. All I had to do was not choose anger. Even if you had a hard time understanding me, or believing me, or tried to drive me crazy, all I had to do was admit to myself, and admit to you, how much I really loved you. All I had to do was stop living in fear and try to protect myself and see that right in front of my eyes is exactly what I think it is but won't except, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to be with. All I had to do was put you first l, and put us staying together first, and this would be a beautiful love story. The situation wouldn't have changed, but we would've made the best of it and been good to each other, and things eventually would've gotten better, and we would be all good now and still together.

But no. That's not what I did. I kept secrets. I chose anger every time I had the chance to. I denied my feelings. I denied you the truth. I denied you encouragement and kind words. I kept loving you a big secret because I thought you didn't love me back so I wasn't gonna love you openly. I hid my problems and secrets and good things and bad things from you. I let my fears be reality, I didn't let the truth be reality. I was scared about things, and decided they were real, and that you were doing them. And now I sit here without you, you're gone forever, I hurt and betrayed you, and I write long rambling books about you like a fucking freak, when we could literally just be happy and have a good time. I chose darkness and pain over love and happiness. I hurt you.

My victory in my personal journey is fucked. I resent it. For so long, long before I met you, I felt so wrong inside, my life was so wrong. I DONT take accountability for that like I take accountability for our problems. I take accountability for SOME of it. But, I was fucked, my life fucked me, my brain fucked me, my molesters fucked me, the bullies fucked me, my bosses fucked me, and I decided you were just another person here to fuck me. But I was right. There was something wrong with my body, and I fixed it. There was something wrong with my mind, my brain, my psychology, my lifestyle, my life, my perception. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I finally did. So now I know it's possible. I know if I chose to not be a dumbass mean ass stupid fucking bitch, I could've done everything we planned to do, that whole goal we set our for to have a better life and be better people. I fucking did it. A year after you left. Nah not while the love of my life and the best friend I ever had was literally 5 feet away from me. Nah Nah. That would make too much sense. No my stupid fuckint ass chose to be shitty and keep suffering and hurt the fuck out of her and myself and she left forever, THEN I fixed it. I always thought these weren't things that could change and fix and I fixed them, it only cost me everything, it only came at the consequence of hurting the fuck out of you and the losing you, it only came at the cost of abusing myself and letting my life go so bad that I went into extreme debt, destroyed my life, killed all my pets, ruined my future, and created a horrible irredeemable past. THEN I fixed it all. I walk into my nice clean cool little house smelling good looking good with money in my pocket, full of energy, ready to cook or play or go somewhere, just got home from my good ass consistent job that let's me do my own thing and pays a lot for it, just living in the freedom of having a brain that works and a mind that's not trying to make me kill myself and a body that doesn't feel like molasses. And I don't deserve it, and it cost too much, and I have blood on my hands, and I should've done it for you, and you should be sitting there with a big glowing smile happy to see me and say we can go to daiso and Williams chicken and I say yeah sure let's go! I am nothing, I have nothing, I am the worst person that has ever lived. I am Diogenes of Texas. I worked my whole life to fix my problems and I hurt everyone around me. I completed everything I sought to do for 20 years and I destroyed everything around me. I pushed every good thing out of my life and ruined ever good chance I had. I hurt the fuck out of people, I am a bad memory in everyone's head. That's why I'm Diogenes. I finally did what I set out to do and got it all, but truly I have nothing, I live in a barrel, I have a lantern to light my path at night, and a cat sometimes comes by to keep me company. I am a wretch, a villain, and victimizer, and an oathbreaker. It was all my fault and it was at the cost of the trauma of those around me. I don't deserve the things I have or achieved, and I deserve the hell that I've made for myself. We could've had a beautiful love story, a lifelong friendship, a big ass romantic redemption arc, and a cool ass life life lots of smiles and fun and a big garden and lots of cute pets and fun memories and adventures and cool stuff, but because of ME and ME ALONE and by no others fault but MINE, we had a painful, unfixable, disgusting stinky hurtful memory of failure and remorse. That is my sin.

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