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#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd

scruffypegasus · 2 years

Text

Sorry for being gone for so long

If you watch me on my DeviantArt account you’ll know what's up, so I'll just copy and paste some info from there So yeah, I apologize for my lack of activity I am just really honestly overwhelmed, but I do appreciate to all those who have reached out, all your words do mean a lot to me I just feel terrible that I haven't been any to have the energy to respond to all of you. And it's hard for me to explain what's going on, I don't like to bother people, and I don't necessarily like to repeat the same things over again, so here's a really simple version of events - I am in the process of trying to sell my home because where I live is making me unwell due to the pollution and outside mold/Fungus (As I have a mild asthmatic allergic reaction to such things) - Which leads into the fact I have been dealing with a mild allergic reaction for 3 months (And maybe longer, signs had been showing near the end of last year, I just thought it was something else at the time), and while I am taking the medication to deal with it, it's not able to make me fully better, because its the place that I'm living at that making me sick - This in tern has made me have very low energy to do anything, as my body tries to cope with the allergic reaction, which has been beyond frustrating, as my family needs my help to clean and get the house ready, yet I just don't have the energy to do it - With having to change things around the house in preparation to try sell, has trigger several Autistic reactions (Meltdowns) from me, which again have been very frustrating, as I know logically this has to be done, but my body still decides to have freak-outs about it anyway. - I have other health issues, but I can't do anything about them until we move - I've came to the point that I have been so emotionally stressed that I found it very emotionally painful to draw, which has just made me more stressed as that had been an outlet for me for many year's but I'm doing a bit better now. - And lastly I am dealing with the grief/mourning of 'my' cat Toby, who had to be put down, This is still something I'm dealing with, as it's complicated pet ownership as I had deep negative history involving Toby that is due to my older brother who the cat originally belong to (Basically my brother is a coward and couldn't be responsible)...and I honestly didn't think saying goodbye was going to hurt this much. But it dose I have never felt this kind of emotional pain before, that even though Toby had caused me so much pain for almost a decade, the anxiety, his demanding nature and other issues, despite all that I would miss his presence I will treasure what I have left of his memory even if those memories come with the bad, I had wished that I had loved Toby with my whole heart, and I thought that I would have been a cruel person that would have moved on quickly from his departure but that's not the case. As my family and my own heart have told me, I did deeply care for him, sure it was not the warm fuzzy kind of love, but the love out of duty, he needed someone and I provided for his needs, got him the food he liked, cat beds, scratching posts, Catio for him to be able to go outside-ish, toys and some love and attention even if it cause me great pain, because he had a tendencies when he was done snuggling on my chest to jump off which would aggravate my crack rib injuries, which made snuggle time not fun time for me. But I still wish I could have done better for him, that I had the patience to love him always instead of being brought down to my knees having breakdowns because he's done something. I know that in the long run I should have never taken on the duty of Toby that my autistic nature could not handle the long term sensory distress he caused me daily, but Toby needed someone and I was the only one who could afford to take him on. Yes I did end up starting a fight with my older brother, that caused other issues in the family and at the moment the fight has been put on 'pause' till we've sorted ourselves out and I'm not dealing with trying to move, even though part of me would like to continue the fight as the coward needs to face the harsh truth, but at the same time I also have to face the fact my older brother is rather 'fragile' it's why I hadn't talked about my grievous towards him sooner, as my family had told me to hold off as he wasn't in a good place. So yeah, I screwed up, big time by lashing out at him on the day of Toby passing, but I didn't care how much he 'cared' for Toby, he hasn't been their for 90% of Toby life I have! and I knew that my family would just tell me to hold off on how I felt towards my brother again 'wait till everyone has stopped grieving' 'Wait until we've found a new home' 'Wait because BLAH BLAH BLAH' I was so done having to 'wait' on someone else feelings, so I was like screw it we are all adults here, I can text my brother my frustrations of his lack of action and how much he has hurt me over the years because their was no way I was going to be able communicate that verbally. But it turns out we're not all adults here and so the fight is on pause, and I refuse to apologies for what I've said because it was the truth, the only thing I regret is the pain it caused the rest of my family, I didn't think my brother would lash out at my Mother because of my actions, I thought he would face me instead of talking to her, but I was wrong. Anyway that's still a future problem to deal with....later. But yeah sorry I've been gone so long, I'm going to post up some art I've had done before my unintended Hiatus happened, but I'll be doing another Journal Update later as I'm going to need some help.

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my-brothers-corrupted · 4 years

Text

My Brothers, Corrupted

Chapter Three : Section Eight : Places to Find Home

Chapter One l Chapter Two l Chapter Three

Trigger warning for discussions of abuse.

While Henrik struggles to cope with the knowledge he’s gained about defeating Anti and revisits a familiar site, Red and Dapper push and pull against the idea of trusting Max, who offers to take them to the store for some of the necessities they’ve been missing for days. Dapper finds fault with his master’s taste in clothes. Ro can’t keep his thoughts fixed on the merchandise.

Places to Find Home

A day later and Henrik has not left his room. Whether sulking or numb or simply too distressed to draw himself out of his fear, you’ve watched him turn down three meals, sit up through a whole night, and have one dead-faced shut-down without requesting help from anybody.

He’s still got that book on his lap, running his fingers over the picture of the white-eyed girl. He’s read every book in here now and there will be no need for him to revisit the pages. He will remember every word as if it were before him.

Someone’s knocking on his door but he doesn’t sit up, gazing glazedly down at the picture. He really misses… anybody. Dapper to squirm under his arm, begging attention just to distract him, or Blue to come into his room to bring him his cooking and kiss him, or maybe even Red, if he were in a kind mood, to talk at him and stand defensive over his body until he felt well enough to stand. Most of all he wants Trick. Warm blankets and his hushed reassurances from the other side of a mattress. Hands that know all the places he likes to be held. The trust in the air between them. Stillness.

“Henrik,” grouses Nina at the door. “Come on, medico, come out for a while, let’s get you some sun and some food.”

He finds it difficult to move.

immabethehero asked: Hey Henrik? So there is one such solution to the Marvin problem, I just don't know if it would work in this world.

“Yeah,” mumbles Henrik, chewing on his nails, looking exhausted. “I… can Anti even die? Can he bleed back what he took from Blue? And how… how could I ever bring myself to kill him?”

He rubs his face, digging his glasses into his nose. “Maybe someone else would know more about blood pacts than me and I could ask. But fuck, fuck! Anti really… Anti really…”

He’s going to cry again.

“He really did this, didn’t he? Made Blue sick just so he could control him better? Made him permanently sick, almost killed him! Fucker!”

The book collides with the other side of the room.

“Magic fucking sucks!” he shouts. “Anti was cruel, he was monstrous! He did this to Blue just because he was magic and Anti wanted it! And I let him, I let him! I wish none of my family was magic at all! Now I can’t get Blue’s magic back and Anti is being torn apart.”

“Henrik,” comes a sigh from the door. Genesis this time. “Come on, man, come out, we’re worried about you.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Hey Hen? Maybe you should leave your room a little. The change of scenery might do you some good. Even just give you a bit of a breather.

“Ugh,” groans Henrik, letting out a deep sigh. Alright, he knows you’re probably right.

“You can come in,” he croaks, getting to his feet. Oh, shaky. But he can do it.

Genesis pushes open the door, Nina behind her, and they both give Henrik twin looks of exasperation. He is reminded, for a moment, of Red and Blue, and he almost laughs despite his distress.

“That’s a great idea,” says Nina, nodding at the camera. “Get out a little.”

“Sure, walk around the garden one more time,” sighs Henrik. “Just as helpless as I always am.”

“You are being a sourpuss,” says Genesis, because she heard him use the word the other day and she loves it.

“Why don’t we get out even farther than that?” suggests Nina, crossing her arms over her chest.

Henrik and Genesis both exchange glances and turn to look at her in surprise.

“What - really?” asks Henrik, a little breathless.

“Yeah,” says Nina, with certainty. “As long as we convince Emmanuela it’s alright for you to go, and you promise you won’t try to do anything stupid. There’s something I want to show you.”

“What?”

“Guess you’ll have to wait and see,” she smirks at him. “What do you say, get outside a little? Short trip? Or did you want to talk to somebody around here?”

spicydanhowell asked: let's get some air, henrik. you heard the ladies. time to eat and stretch your legs. we'll worry about this again later, promise.

Henrik nods at you and Genesis beams, taking his hand. He flinches a little, but he’s getting used to her, and he doesn’t mind her hands. In a bizarre way that makes him feel guilty, the neat little scars still healing on her skin remind him of Dapper. He’d been just as distressed as she had after that short, horrible session of torture, but he doesn’t know how to turn something like that into a useful apology. She seems to have forgiven him anyway - though she will, if he’s brought up, still refer to him as “dapper little motherfucker” in her thick accent.

“We got to go through the mirror to get out of this place,” she tells him eagerly.

“Go through the mirror?”

“Hold up,” laughs Nina. “I gotta get us some food packed and then talk with Emmanuela. Henrik, you aren’t going to try and run away or anything once we get up there, right?”

Ah. Well. His brain knows it’s stupid but… goddamn, there’s a temptation there.

“No,” he tells her meekly. “That would be… bad.”

She sighs a little, but she won’t argue. “Maybe you guys are going to have to help me convince her,” she warns you, taking you when Henrik offers you up.

“We’ll get settled in the car,” promises Genesis. “See you in a second.”

“Okay.” Nina carries you off to Emmanuela’s room.

“Come in,” answers a voice at her knock.

Emmanuela’s room is small and modest and bathed in so much light it’s almost hard to see for a minute.

Stained glass makes the room glow in red, blue, purple, gold. Emmanuela herself seems to have some light in her and her long black hair gleams more than ever, straight and heavy down her back. She is standing. From this angle, she is a great bulk of a woman, heavy and tall, and on the wall behind her, you see the axe-like weapon she once brought down on the skull of a frothing black dog burning with stolen magic.

“Hola,” she says, glancing at you. “What is it, Nina? How is our guest?”

Nina laughs wearily. “He seems unwell.”

“Oh?”

“They could probably explain it better than I. I’m not sure what’s upset him so badly.”

Emmanuela sits down at her desk, steepling her fingers on the table in front of her.

“Good,” she says. “I’ve been meaning to talk with them.”

cest-mellow asked: emmanuela! nice to meet you! we were thinking of having henrik go with nina and genesis for a walk farther out, hes really stressed out about his brothers stolen magic. he’s really sick.

Emmanuela softens for a second, grinning at you. “Hi,” she says. “Okay, he can go. Why not? He’ll stay with her, won’t he?”

“I’ll watch him,” promises Nina.

“Watch him carefully, the both of you,” Emmanuela warns. “We don’t always do what we expect ourselves to do.”

Nina gives you a look at her cryptic phrasing, but says nothing.

“I am concerned, however,” says Emmanuela. “That he continues to struggle with the reality of what the monster is and has done to him and his family. I fear the manipulation is very deeply set and I would like to see just where it starts and how far it goes. And so you must do something for me. Will you convince the doctor to come see me and let me take a look into his head? It will be frightening to him, but I am worried.”

She drums her fingers against the desk. Abuse is not a foreign concept to her, and neither is recovery from it. But Anti’s hypnosis and memory glaze introduce new elements for her.

“The way I see it, the next step must be to get the rest of his family away from the monster and destroy it, but I fear it will not be so simple, and we may not be able to help as much as we want. I need to speak with Henrik. I fear the thing that haunts him is not, at our hands, mortal, and if we cannot kill it… we must make preparations for if it comes to take him again. How will he defend himself if it wants to hurt him again? How will he get help in another country if he’s stolen? The monster - I will not lie - is very powerful. Will you tell Henrik, then, to come see me soon? And is there anything I can do to help you?”

Anonymous asked: sra. emmanuela, ma'am, with all due respect, we care a lot about henrik's well-being, too. and we don't know you quite so well. you seem very powerful, and very charismatic, and those can be very dangerous qualities in a stranger in command. can you promise us that you mean henrik no harm, and you will do your best to help him and not hurt him, however he responds to your request? are you willing in any other way to assure us of your intentions?

“This is a wise request,” says Emmanuela. “And it’s good to be cautious, or you will not be capable of protecting him in the future. First of all I shall tell you that here, I am in charge, and so that Henrik has stayed with us and been cared for at all has been at my command. And we are happy to do it. We don’t turn people away here, do we, Nina?”

“No, Emmanuela.”

“Even if they’re not magic?”

Nina laughs. “Don’t tease me!”

“I am powerful, you are correct, I try to own it, I must match the arrogance of men if I am to lead,” she says. “I am a dichotomous magician - rare, you see, a lot to deal with, for a magician to have two different powers. I burn darkness with light and possess a form of telepathy. I cannot prove it, but I assure you I no longer use it without permission, not even to my enemies. I learned from experience - when I was young, I made many mistakes, and I hurt a great many people.”

Nina looks surprised to hear her speak this way, but she does not interrupt.

“I am not a tyrant now,” finishes Emmanuela. “And I have no desire to hurt anyone at all. I have caused enough harm to good people in my lifetime. Anyway, Henrik is getting along well here, making friends. He seems like a nice boy.”

Nina bursts into giggles. “He’s like thirty, Mama.”

“I will call anybody ‘boy’ if I want to, I’m the boss…”

Nina is laughing and you shake in her hands.

cest-mellow asked: thank you! we’ll definitely try our best to get him to agree. i think the best help you can offer is just try to make henrik feel safer here, the monster does plan to come here at some point to get him back. maybe you should tell us a few things about yourself so it’s easier for him to trust you into his head, we can tell him things he can relate to and latch onto for comfort!

“Mmh, clever, I enjoy it,” says Emmanuela. “What do I say, Nina?”

“I don’t know, Mama,” says Nina, smiling at the game.

“I’m getting to be an old woman soon enough. I’ve been the head of this organization since I was a girl. Sixteen, in fact. And since then there are always people needing help. Those who live here have mostly come to me in need of it.”

Nina shuffles on her feet. It is true for her. She needed somewhere to go and Emmanuela had been there, with JP, Hermann, Genesis, Christofer, and Jose.

“Power is awakened, not inborn. So it is that many magicians arise from homes where there is trouble enough to create the need for magic within him. So more than one of the people here, you will find, have had cruel or neglectful parents, or no parents at all, or some other horrible trouble, more than what a child should bear. Legally, I’ve adopted many of the younger magicians in this country. Silly as it sounds, someone has to be on the legal documents, and someone should be checking in on them like a parent! Everyone deserves to have a place they can call home. Most go on to live on their own, though they stay loyal to the order. Others stay here with me. Yes? Hermann, Genesis, and my little ones, Rosie and Basilio and Benigno. Basilio is my biological child. He’s ten now. No power has awakened inside him and I am glad. He has never had a need for it to awaken. I have kept him safe and happy. What else matters?”

Anonymous asked: the core of the demon's manipulation comes from brotherly love, we think. all five of the brothers love each other fiercely, and the demon turns that towards himself, first by coaxing surrender by holding them over each other's heads, and then by installing himself as a brother. which, in a way, he sort of is? he does have kind of an innate connection to them, though explaining just how would necessitate... a lot of time. but henrik does believe, whole-heartedly, that the demon is his family.

Emmanuela pauses, pressing her knuckles against her face, turning away from you. She looks up again after a moment, cool and severe.

“This is the sort of thing I have a fear of,” she says, her long, perfect nails picking at her desk. “It means the monster was not just forceful but intelligent.”

She takes a deep breath. “Nina, perhaps you’d give us a moment?”

Nina glances at you, but she trusts Emmanuela, and she obeys.

“Hypnosis, you must understand, is often very surface-level. You place a truth within the mind and force the mind to accept it. There, it’s done. But if the mind is reminded of old truths or pauses to consider the foreign thought, it can be very easy to realize the flaw and pop it back out again. Like that! Simple for both parties. But this is not what your monster has done.

“He has buried himself in deep truths. Do you understand? He took a falsity and he coated it in the truth of the rest of their family. What’s more, he erased the memories that came before so there was nothing left to contradict the new thoughts, and then he built an entire family system to support his lie. And so I am guessing you have seen, many times, your friends pause and realize that something is wrong - but they cannot find what. Because there is no past to tell them what is true and what is false, and, moreover, their love for each other has become entrenched in their love for the monster. If the monster is false, the rest of the brotherhood seems false too, and they know the rest of the brotherhood is not false. The rest of the brotherhood is true. Your brothers all love each other and the demon has hidden himself within that truth. Worse… even without magic or hypnosis, his manipulation is extensive. Even if I could pierce the hypnosis, he would still wield power.”

She sits back in her desk. Drumming her nails. Her eyes are dark and endless, but not like Anti’s. There is no way to describe this difference. Maybe there is not such a difference after all. To be a monster is a choice too, and Emmanuela had the option to choose it many, many times in her life.

But here she is.

“Soon the monster will be here,” she says. “And I fear your doctor will insist on returning to what he knows is truth, even if he can tell, now, that there is a falsity hiding inside.”

She turns to her stain glass and her face becomes red in the light of it.

“I will make preparations,” she says heavily. “To protect him if he chooses to return. And I must discover what this monster is. I’ve never seen anything like it. I must find a way for them to kill it.”

She looks up at you. “Tell him to come see me. And watch over him when they leave this place. Freedom can miss the chains that bound it.”

She calls for Nina to come back in. If you’re ready, you can go, or speak longer with her.

cest-mellow asked: i think that’s all we’ll need, unless you have something else that could help convince henrik. the info you gave was great!! it’s nice to meet you finally :D

“Don’t get too sweet on me,” warns Emmanuela. “Or I will adopt you too.”

Nina is still tittering as she carries you back down the hall towards the others. She ends up picking up a couple quick lunches from Juana in the kitchen before she makes her way out towards the car.

Genesis was right - you have to go through a mirror to leave or enter the convent building. Between time travel, heists, and all sorts of magic, this is still one of the weirdest things you’ve experienced.

The mirror is nailed to the front doors of the convent on either side. Nina steps up to them without pausing and whispers a password she doesn’t let you make out - and then everything shifts, like your vision was flipped, and you’re somewhere else.

In the middle of the city, actually, standing outside a decrepit old convent, worn down from years of misuse. Henrik is in front of you, still staring around himself as if trying to get his bearings. Glowing office buildings miles into the sky and rows and rows of apartments with open patio doors surround him. Traffic races by just outside the gate of the ancient convent. Genesis is playing with the radio in the car.

“A little disorienting?” Nina calls to Henrik.

He turns and smiles nervously. “Ah - no, no, not at all. I’m very used to magic, you see.”

Nina chuckles and directs him towards the car with her hand.

“I heard you talking about how magic fucks a lot of shit up in your life,” she says, as Henrik settles into the passenger seat of an old Cadillac. “Can you guess where we’re going?”

“No idea, I’m quite sure,” he says. “But I expect to be impressed!”

She laughs. “I hope you will be. JP thinks I’m too pregnant to be making this hike but I told him to take a hike of his own.”

“Ah, fuck’s sake, you’re going to make my tired old bones walk, aren’t you?”

“Maaaybe.”

“Oh, dear…”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Where to, Nina???

“You’ve been here before, many times!” she says. “Genesis has too, but just once. Come on, can you see it in the distance?”

Henrik glances around. Towering churches, KFCs on every corner, swarmed street vendors, marketplaces, statues, gorgeous yellow government buildings, memorials, clock towers, fountains, theaters, museums, and - oh, above it all, surrounding it all, on every side, crying out from above the city - the heights of the proud Peruvian mountains, covered in the colorful dredge of the slums, where water must be fetched from the delivery truck each morning, where stairs are a rarity and the hot stone cuts your shoes apart, where there are too few doctors and so many, many people.

His heart stutters in his chest.

“Oh,” he says frailly. “Home.”

cest-mellow asked: you feeling okay, henrik?

“Uhh,” he says, clutching you to his chest.

He needs a second to think about that. Is he? Does he want to do this? To stand in the places where his family used to stand, and know that they aren’t here anymore? To know that after all this, came the pain?

“Hey,” says Nina, putting her hand above his wrist, not quite touching him. “Things have changed. I’d really like for you to see it, if you’re willing.”

He looks ahead of him. They are climbing closer to the mountain now. He can smell the bitter smell of chickens and bodies and dry mountain dust and he wonders just when it is that even this smell began to feel homey to him.

He had… liked living in the mountains. It takes him a minute to realize it. Usually it is better not to form an opinion when you know how quickly you must leave again, but he had liked it. Up the stones. With the people. Henrik had liked Peru. Had liked people coming to see him for medicine and help. Had liked to be a doctor again.

“Why’d you bring me?” whines Genesis.

“Hey, you were the fool who came poking around here without permission!” chides Nina. “Come on, you okay?”

“Okay, I do want to see, actually. I’m going to smash all his cameras!”

“There, that sounds productive. Henrik, you okay? You good to go up?”

Is he? Is he?

“Yeah,” he finds his voice, staring up the side of it.

He wants to see. He does. He wants to see his little home again.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Two hands pat at his shoulder and arms, both of the girls leaning in to encourage him, and he snorts, taken aback by the support they always give him, by the goodness of them all, by all the effort these people have given him.

Much of his life has been pain, and many people have hurt him. But Peru - oh, Peru has been kind to him.

“Oh,” he adds, turning his head as they pass by the little shop at the head of the last of the road. “There is even grass and flowers this time of year. I did not think anything could grow here.”

Genesis and Nina exchange smiles in the rearview mirror.

“Maybe there’s more if we keep going up,” suggests Nina.

“Okay,” he whispers.

He knows the places where the rocks slip and the places where the earth is sturdy. He clutches a rock in his hand to ward off the dogs that live near the basketball court. The chickens clucking to him are Tomas’s; the baby he hears crying must be the one he and Trick delivered the day before Blue’s fire started. It feels like a hundred years ago now, and all of it is so familiar, and so very strange. Yes, all in all stepping up the mountain feels like he imagines it must be for Dapper when he rewinds.

Except one thing.

“What happened?” he breathes, moving pace by pace, his eyes full from the shock of it. “How is this possible? This side of the mountain has always been barren.”

No longer.

Desert trees and cacti leap from the earth in green and brown bloom, dotted with pink and red flowers. Grass has poured out over the dusty sand along the paths, helping to hold it steady. Fruit bushes have pushed their way up from the ground to offer chirimoya and granadilla. The chickens feast on dropped seeds. Children race barefoot across the grass and past the sagebrush. Flowers coat the bitter smell of the slums in fragrance and hummingbirds have found their way so high up to suck on fervent orange and pink and yellow blossoms.

“Es el medico!” someone calls, a child in an open doorway, and his siblings race out to look with him. Women come out from behind the curtains of their homes to get a look at him, and when they do, their faces grow with smiles and they call out to him, medico! The men give him the same begrudging nods as always and offer him Spanish greetings he has learned to understand without understanding. Genesis is laughing at the attention and waving while Nina is calm and smiling beside him, keeping a steady hand on his waist when he grows tired. It’s been a long time since he was able to exercise regularly and this walk was always grueling for him. One day, he hopes to have his strength back.

And the clinic at the top of the hill?

Most all of it is swallowed up by plants, but the medicine inside has been left to the people. No one has looted it, though some is gone. Everyone is taking what they need. Even with his family gone, the clinic will still be a place of healing, and the whole mountain is green, and he doesn’t know why it makes him cry.

His and Trick’s room is covered in grass and flowers peeking up through the floorboards. He sits down where he would always sit by the window, and he runs his hands across the plant life, and he sees, and he remembers, and everything, he thinks, is beautiful, and not so lonely after all.

“I wanted you to see this,” says Nina. “How beautiful your brother’s magic is.”

Blue’s flowers. Blue’s plants. Blue’s power. Henrik stands in the doorway of his room, red-eyed and weepy, and regrets that he ever let it be stolen away.

“The other side of the mountain that used to be fertile,” she says. “His fire burned it all away. No the rich man’s land is dead and these people have some life. So you see, then, medico, that magic’s just a tool, and it can be used in good ways or in bad ways, and that’s nobody’s fault but the person manipulating it. Okay?”

“Okay,” he says. “Okay.”

“Your brother,” she says. “The monster. He stripped this beauty away from your Blue. The monster is not your family, Henrik. The monster is just a monster. And he will hurt you again if you let him.”

He’s left alone for a long time to sit with the memory of it.

He’s left alone for a long time to sit with the truth of it.

He’s glad he came up here.

“Hey,” says a voice after a while.

“Hey,” he answers Genesis.

She sits down beside him, her shoulder against his own. He doesn’t mind.

“Is it hard for you?” he asks. “To be here?”

“Mh,” she says, glancing around. “No. I like to see that it ended up all being for something good, at least around here. Weird how that can happen. I mean, it doesn’t always. In my life, most of the bullshit just turned out to be bullshit. But sometimes it can be fertilizer. And I think the times when it is are important to hold onto. These people are happier and healthier because you and your family were here.”

He sniffles and laughs and brushes at his eyes, letting out a deep sigh.

“Hey, can I say something?” asks Genesis, pushing against his shoulder. “Something kind of sappy?”

“No, I’m already all teared up.”

“Not my fault you are a big, German baby.”

He snorts and shoves her away from him and she laughs at him, settling down on his shoulder, and he thinks it’s okay, really, when she hugs him. She’s smaller than him and she seems to fit, somehow, against him.

“I’m sorry magic has been used to hurt you,” she says. “And that even the brothers you have who are loving have been used and hurt and controlled because of it. But it can be beautiful too. And important. And I hope someday you get to appreciate all that. Not just magic shit. But just the way that sometimes, the things bad people use to hurt us, well, they’re good things to good people. I hope someday you get to be somewhere where everything is beautiful, and nobody tries to hurt you.”

She’s warm like Trick.

“You’ve been very kind to me,” says Henrik. “Even after what we did to you. Thank you.”

“Henrik, you’re my brother and I’m your sister for as long as you need me, okay? If you need a family while you figure yours out. If you’re waiting for a new home. You can stay here with us. You can be our family too.”

There are crocuses growing up through the floorboards.

“Okay,” says Henrik, putting his head down on hers. “Okay.”

Crocuses and peace lilies and roses and more. It’s beautiful now. It’s beautiful.

This was Blue’s magic.

Anti took it away.

Henrik will not forgive him for it.

Henrik will not forgive him.

--------------

Red wakes up with Dapper against his chest and is stunned by how good it feels. How scary it isn’t. He almost laughs, hugging Dapper’s hot fond weight to his ribs.

“Hey,” he whispers, to wake him, and Dapper shuffles sleepily, pressing his matted hair against his chest. “Come on, wake up. Do you want to go out and about a little bit today?”

Dapper leaps up so fast Red gets elbowed in the chest and lets out a shout.

“Out, out, out!” Dapper all but flaps, zooming out of bed and tearing the covers off Ro’s warm body. His big brother groans.

“Dapper! You tiny fucker, come on!”

“Get out of the room? Get out of my room? I can go? I can get out of my room?”

He’s zipping around the room, trying to adjust his hair and his clothes and his shoes all at the same time. Red groans and then laughs, burying his face in his pillows and trying to ignore the buzz of nervous excitement in his own stomach.

“Five more minutes… oh, I gotta make sure I remember everything we need… and Max wants to talk more about everything…”

spicydanhowell asked: where's max, red? you sure it's safe to go out when you're.... wanted?

“Max should be on his way. He took my clothes to wash them the other night.”

This looks to be a huge relief to Red, who beams just at the thought of it.

“For the police stuff, I… don’t know. But I don’t think we can just hide out here much longer, especially with Dap the way he is. I think he has a hard time in his room when he’s on medication already, so being psychotic and trapped in a room is like…”

He glances warmly over at Dapper just in time to be tackled back onto the bed by him.

“Hurry up!” demands the little brother straddling his waist. “Slow, slow, slow!”

He grabs a pillow and starts thwacking Ro in the chest with it. Red hollers and grabs him in a headlock, throwing him onto the bed and drawing heaving laughter out of Dapper, struggling playfully in his grasp.

“You two good?” calls a voice from outside their door, vaguely amused.

“Coming, Max!” calls Red, a little color entering his cheeks, but Dapper goes very still in his brother’s arms, clinging to the bedsheets, his smile flickering away.

bupine asked: you alright, dap? you don't need to be afraid of max, you know. he used to be friends with red, he won't hurt you! he'll get you guys food and stuff!

“Yeah, Dap, just be chill, okay,” says Ro softly, brushing his brother’s fringe from his eyes and patting his knee before getting up out of bed. Dapper sits up on the bed, regarding the door coldly, his hands trembling a little.

“Red,” he calls after him. “No one’s supposed to see me. Anti will be angry.”

“Just a second, bud,” says Red, back to him, opening the door.

Max is standing there with his backpack overflowing with clothes, a carton of coffee in his hands, and his tie drawn up to his neck as immaculately as ever. He smiles at Ro.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” says Ro, smiling back.

Dapper scowls at them, grabbing you and pulling you closer, re-reading your message with suspicious eyes.

“He will get me things? Am I supposed to be convincing him to get me things?”

Dapper pauses, thinking, and then relaxes a little. “And then we kill him afterwards? I can do that.”

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: No dap we dont do that afterwards

“No one lets me have any fun,” scowls Dapper, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Dap, get your shoes on, didn’t you want to go out? We can head out once we get dressed.”

Dapper shakes his head and throws the covers back over his head, burrowing back into the mattress, hiding from the intruder.

Red sighs and comes to sit on the bed beside him.

bupine asked: you don't need to convince him OR kill him. no killing. max likes you guys and he's been trying to help you for a long time. he'll do whatever he can to help you, and you don't have to beg or anything that you normally do with anti. max is a lot nicer than anti is, i swear.

“Hey,” calls Red, getting down beneath the covers with him. “They’re right. Come here, look at me. We don’t - I don’t think we have to follow all the rules right now. You know? I really think we can trust him. And Anti’s not here to punish you for anything, alright?”

Dapper tears at his hair, his teeth clenched together, shaking himself back and forth on the bed.

“Stupid,” spit his hands. “Anti’s always here to punish me.”

Red breathes out a long sigh and scoots a little closer to him, thinking. He reaches out to pull Dapper to his chest, stroking his thumbs over his shoulders, ignoring the growl on his little brother’s face. He’s going to have to play by Dapper’s rules for now.

“Hey, listen,” he whispers. “If we play our cards right, we can get this guy to buy us a bunch of shit we need. Anti doesn’t mind. We’re just playing games. We need him right now so Anti will understand.”

Dapper stares at him, relaxing a little.

“Am I your big brother?”

“Yes,” nods Dapper.

“Am I supposed to let anything bad happen to you?”

Dapper shakes his head.

“Who’s in charge?”

Dapper taps Red’s chest, his mouth twisting a little.

“Okay. So I say we’re going with him, alright? Just for a little while. And you have to play nice so he gets us things.”

Dapper blinks and shrugs. He’s good at playing pretend.

“Hey, come on. You were so excited! We’re going to go outside, right? That’s good. Let’s go, come on.”

It is a little exciting.

Dapper sits up, brushing his hair back into place.

“I got you tea,” says Max, putting a cup from the tray on the dresser. Dapper tries not to glare, looking away.

He’s afraid and he doesn’t want the stranger to touch him. If he does, Anti might punish him. It’s against the rules. And not only that, but he knows what Anti has always told him - if anyone ever finds out about you, they will hurt you, steal you, and take you far away. You need to stay close to Anti and obey.

He pushes his clock down further into his pocket and reaches out to grip Red’s hand, gritting his fierce teeth in his mouth.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Aw, what's the matter, Dap? It'll be a whole lot of fun to get out for a bit! Think of the sunshine, and the pretty sights you'll get to see!

Right, right. Dapper nods quickly, trying to convince himself again. Red says it’s okay so it’s okay. And he does want to go outside. The walls feel thick and glaring around him, like they could lean forward to squeeze his ribs into his lungs at any moment. His paranoia is very high. He hates feeling like a coward. Like the whole world is conspiring to hurt him. Red holds the cup of tea out to Dapper and he takes it, clutching the warmth between his fingers, but he can’t quite bring himself to drink. He’ll need a few minutes to adjust. Was Max here yesterday? He thinks he was, and nothing bad happened.

Red and the stranger are chattering eagerly to each other, their bodies angled towards each other, a smile on both their mouths, and for some reason, it only makes Dapper more nervous. He remembers… something faint and distant. A nice girl with dark eyes, smiling at him. A nice girl with blond hair, talking to him through a window. It never ends well.

But he’s trying to have a nice day, so he lets Red help him through the motions of getting changed into freshly cleaned clothes. The warm smell of laundry and detergent calms him down a little. He takes a sip of his tea.

Ro leads him outside.

Dapper’s joy seems to come rushing back to him. He’s all but vibrating in Red’s hand, trembling as he follows Red and Max down the hall. He thinks he might faint if he gets out under the sun. He loves being out of his room. He loves being out of his room. He hates Anti’s rules. He grips Red’s hand and steps slowly after him, clutching his tea.

Anonymous asked: This is so exciting!! Where will you go first?

“It is exciting!” Max’s face is bright and he can’t stop smiling. He keeps looking back at the two of them behind him. “Where do we want to go, Ro? Clothes, you think? Maybe we just go to the mall and then get some lunch? And anything else you need we’ll find.”

“Oh, I didn’t even know there was a mall.”

“It’s on the other side of the city. This place is a little seedy, honestly.”

“Ha, yeah…” Red glances around at the motel. He’s packed all their stuff into his backpack so nothing gets stolen. “I - I’m sorry,” he hears himself say.

“What? What for?”

Red shakes his head, his cheeks flushed, and winces for a second. “Nothing, let’s just… yeah, I want to get clothes. I want to get everything he needs.”

Dapper looks back at him, eyes wide, but trusting.

“You know,” says Max. “It’s not your fault you ended up in this situation. You did the best you could. And now you don’t have to worry so much anymore. Okay?”

Ro bites his lip, a slight smile coming back to his mouth.

“Thanks, I needed… yeah, thanks. Okay, uh. Haha. Mall?”

“Sounds good,” says Max. “Take a bus?”

“Let’s do it.”

bupine asked: like it or not, anti can't see you guys right now. blue's magic in his body has messed him up and he can't access the cameras. we'll let you know if that gets fixed, but for now, anti can't see you and will never know about anything you do or say.

“Yep,” Max tells Dapper, turning back to smile at him as they head out into the streets. “No Anti, okay, bud?”

Dapper’s gone a little spacey and confused in the sun, smiling at everything around him, clinging more loosely to Red’s hand. Everything feels more safe and free when he’s not trapped in the room, though he’s still shaking with nerves. Red chuckles and pulls him close. “Doing okay?”

“Doing okay, Red. Anti’s not watching?”

“Nope.”

“Odd, odd. Like that day I had my churro. We can talk about anything, huh?”

“That’s right, buddy.”

“We can talk about anything we want to. Odd, odd.”

bupine asked: do you have anything in particular you'd like to say now that anti can't hear you?

“No, no,” says Dapper quickly. “Tell him I’m being good, I’m being very good.”

spicydanhowell asked: hey jamie, you're not with anti, okay? he's not gonna be mad at you for talking to max. max loves you, and he's going to help you whether you try to manipulate him or not. all you have to do is be here. please try to be nice? he and red really care about you, and so do we. we wouldn't tell you to talk to someone dangerous.

Dapper glances down the pavement at Max from behind Red, observing him all over again. Max catches him looking but politely turns his eyes away just as quickly, allowing Dapper to look, pretending he didn’t see.

“Your name?” He and Red are talking. “Oh, shit, you went by so many different names, haha.”

“What? You’re telling me you were friends and you don’t know my name?”

“Ro! Please,” laughs Max, bumping their shoulders together as they walk. “Look, doc was an illegal immigrant, you were a vigilante, your whole family was shady as hell. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, okay? You went by Jackie McLoughlin sometimes, or Jackie Brody, or you said Jackson was your last name, shortened to Jackie, and Bayard was your first.”

“Bayard? No, you take that back. My name is not Bayard.”

“Hahaha! Well, you always went by Jackie, but I’m pretty sure you picked it out!”

“Aw, whatever, Max, now you’re just teasing me…”

Dapper cools a little at the sound of Red’s laughter and chattering, turning his eyes away from Max, taking a second to just bask in the sun. Eventually, he takes a little sip of his tea. It’s good. Fuck, it’s - how long since he had tea? He has a vague memory of a dark wood table and people talking around him. Old things he’s not supposed to remember.

But Anti’s not here to reinforce it.

He can reminisce, if he wants to.

He listens quietly to Red and Max and he thinks.

spicydanhowell asked: you guys think jamie's gonna be able to get medication soon? also jamie, little mans, can you think of anything that might make you more comfortable or help you cope a bit better? i know it's kinda hard to think of what you need sometimes, but this is a good time to try!

“I made a couple calls about that,” says Max. “But, uh. I don’t know, really, how to get him anything without making an appointment with a psychiatrist.”

Dapper shrinks down beside Red, shaking his head. Red puts an arm around him. “No, we can’t do that,” he says quickly. “Not safe.”

“I know it’s not a viable option right now. I don’t know what else to do.”

“If you would help me, I could - ”

“No more stealing stuff,” Max interrupts him quietly. “Please. I can’t watch you get hurt again.”

Ro goes quiet. Eventually he nods.

“Well… I bet Dok could help.”

Max’s smile comes back. “I miss him. It would be good to hear from him again. I need to know that he’s safe.”

“Yeah,” says Ro. “Yeah, me too. I wish we could call him.”

“Well, I have a phone,” says Max.

Red perks up. “Oh, yeah? I… I don’t know, maybe he could get to a payphone or something. He’d know what to do. I think. I guess I usually stole his supplies for him…”

“I want to see Dok,” says Dapper, picking up on the conversation a little belatedly. “I can’t talk to him on the phone!”

“I’ll translate for you,” promises Red.

“When will he come home?”

“I’m not sure, bud. Hopefully we’ll see each other again soon.”

Anonymous asked: Do you know if the mall or the bus will be very crowded, Max? I think maybe Dapper doesn't want anybody who's not a brother touching him right now, is that right Dap?

“No one is allowed to touch me,” agrees Dap nervously. “Against the rules. Bad. I’m not really allowed out of my room at all. But sometimes! Like Norway. We had fish, Red, are you going to get me fish?”

“What? Months stuck in your room and fish is what you want?”

“It’s Friday,” says Dapper devoutly, putting his hands together as though in prayer, and Red can’t tell if he’s being teased or not.

Getting closer to the bus is more crowded. Red glances down at Dapper’s hand in his own. “Are you going to be able to handle this, Dap?”

“If no one is touching me, it’s okay,” says Dap, looking around. “As long as I know who my enemies are I can be fine.”

“Who are your enemies?” asks Max, frowning.

“Oh, everyone.” Dapper touches the knife in Red’s backpack fondly. “They are not scary because I know how to hurt them.”

Max frowns and opens his mouth for a second, but he doesn’t end up saying anything.

“We went by bus a lot in Peru,” says Red. “Do you remember?”

“Blue would hold my hand. It would be crowded. But I had my big brothers.”

Red flushes slightly. “Alright, you little kiss-ass.” He leans in to hug Dapper quickly and Dapper giggles, gripping at his palm. “Okay, then, we’re going to get on the bus and I’ll hold on to you and everything will be okay. I got you.”

“Are you okay with the bus?” asks Max, glancing at Red.

Ro stops short on the pavement, blinking.

He never really thought about it.

“Oh, I - I’m - I.” Blushing at his own stammering, he shakes his head to clear it and straightens up again, pulling Dap along. “I’m used to it. No worries. Buses are better than like, underground subways, so it’s fine. And I got Dap to hold onto.”

He grins at the joke, but Max’s answer, when he gives it, is in earnest.

“You can hold on to me, too,” he says, continuing towards the bus. “If you need.”

Max is wearing gloves even in the heat. No skin. No contact. Red could hold his hand if he wanted to.

Dapper glances between the two of them, frowning, and sticks out his tongue.

“Don’t give me that look,” grumbles Ro, bumping into his shoulder and pulling him along. “I’m not actually going to.”

Anonymous asked: Hey, Max, you're a detective. Do you know anything about the case of Natascha Kampusch? It's a case I think Ro and Dapper need to hear about. A paranoid, physically abusive abductor with certain moments of tender coddling, being isolated and kept in filthy conditions, being given special things and items to keep you attached to your abductor, being kept in a cell and being starved or denied food/medicine if you don't obey... Seems familiar to them I bet.

The bus is hot and purring with gasoline, but it’s not so crowded that Max, Ro, and Dapper can’t sit down together, Dapper kept protectively at Red’s side against the window. He stares out through the glass at the world he is so rarely allowed to be a part of, his nerves dying down, though his paranoia won’t ever let him rest entirely. In the middle, Red holds the camera on his lap, frowning over at Max at the message.

“Uh,” says Max, blinking. “Hm. Well, yeah, I could look that case up if you wanted me to, I suppose. I could - ”

“Let’s just have a happy day,” blurts Red, turning away from him. “Let’s not… let’s just be okay.”

Max goes quiet, looking at him, waiting for him to turn back to him. Waiting for him to be ready, because he knows, after all these years, when Jackie is trying to speak.

“Look, I… I know… that Anti is manipulative,” he says, very softly.

Max nods quietly, his hands clutched in his lap, aware that Dapper must be listening too.

“I know that he doesn’t treat us well. That he could take better care of us if he wanted to. That he chooses not to and never gets help for his temper. That he’s… abusive. I think I’ve always known. He’s never manipulated me quite the same way as the others.”

The bus rattles along. Dapper is staring out the window. Max’s hand is close to Ro’s.

“But, Max, I just - couldn’t leave my family. And Anti is - was? - Anti… I couldn’t leave him behind either. He’s family too. He’s a part of me. And it was either with him or against him, and I - I love him, Max. Even if he doesn’t love me back, I… He doesn’t like me. I know. And he says we’re not a family. He told me, ha. At Christmas, he told me it was just a concept, and that I should know that. That we weren’t a family. But I can’t - I don’t know how to change the way I feel about him, Max. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. In theory, it’s all well and good. In practice, it’s impossible.”

A gloved hand brushes against Ro’s fingers.

“Jackie,” says Max.

Ro turns his gaze back up to him. Tiger eyes.

“It’s not impossible,” he says. “It just takes time, and help, and courage. And Jackie, Ro. I want to give you the things that I can, and help you find the things I can’t. You’re already here. You’re already putting trust in someone other than Anti. You’re already breaking the rules.”

Ro stares at him, his heart tight and aching.

“It’s not impossible. It’s a hard journey. But you’re already stepping down it. That’s what just having a nice day is, Ro. A nice day without Anti. A nice day where we don’t need him to be happy, or healthy, or okay, if only for this one day. And you have to choose, Jackie - if you want to go back to where you were or keep coming down this path.”

Dapper is looking back up at the both of them. Ro lets his eyes turn away from Max. It’s not a decision he should make because of him, or even because of Dapper.

He thinks maybe this is a decision he should make for himself. For his own needs. For the things he wants.

He thinks maybe it’s okay to make decisions like that.

“I - I do want that,” says Jackie. “I do want a nice day without Anti. I do want to not need him. I do.”

Max’s mouth is made for smiling. Wide and glowing.

“Okay,” he says, very soft, very warm. “Okay. We can.”

Jackie smiles right back at him.

Against the window, Dapper is shaking his head.

Anonymous asked: What about you, Dapper? What do you want?

Dapper sighs and glances over at Max and Red, their faces and their hands too close, their mouths too proud with smiling. He takes his hand away from Ro’s, but he hardly seems to notice.

“He is going to get hurt,” signs Dapper. “Anti never lets things like this last. He is jealous, possessive. Does not share attention. We should go back to our motel room and just live like we were. Better to be hungry than infatuated. I don’t want to watch my big brother get his heart broken.”

“Hey, Dap,” says Red, turning his attention back to him suddenly. “Come on, we’re here.”

He takes his hand again and leads him up. Dapper lets himself be lead, sulking a little, but the more he watches Ro and Max laughing and talking, the less he can hold it against him that he’s allowing himself these small moments of happiness with somebody he likes.

The truth is that Dapper would like to be happy, and for Red to be happy, and even for Max to be happy, maybe, but he doesn’t believe it’s possible anymore.

But he’d also like some new clothes and some lunch. He takes a deep breath in and tries to steady himself.

“Thank you for asking,” he adds. “Please make sure to keep Red safe. If he wants to have a nice day I want that for him too. My big brother.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Dap, we're not going to rat you out to Anti or anything. Enjoy yourself!

He sighs and tries to smile at you. Okay, okay, you’re right. They’ve got some money and they’re outside the room. That’s good! He is excited, really, or he was before he got so into his head. He needs to try and calm down. It’s okay to have a nice day. It doesn’t mean anything.

“I’m okay,” Dapper reassures himself, stroking his own hair for a moment. “I’m okay, this is okay.”

“Should we start with some clothes?” suggests Max. “Dapper, is there anything you want?”

Dapper looks at him, confused.

“Dapper.” Red pushes at his shoulder. “What do you want to get?”

Bewildered now, Dapper looks up at him, eyes flickering around the store.

“Shirts? Pants? Shoes?”

Dapper’s hands flex and then close again. He stares up at Red, beginning to get stressed.

He hasn’t picked out his own outfit in more than a year.

Anonymous asked: Would it be easier to choose something between two options, JJ? There's no wrong answer here, and no answer you can't take back either. You can change your mind as much as you want, plus you'll still have the clothes you have now.

“Yeah, Dap, deep breaths,” soothes Red, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, looking confused. “You, uh - is this hard for you?”

Dapper’s eyes flicker around the store. There’s rows and rows and rows of clothes. He could cry.

“Just pick them out for me!” he begs, tugging on Red’s shirt. “You and Anti always get my clothes for me!”

“Because you were always stuck in your room!”

“I’m not supposed to - I - I know you say Anti’s not here, but I’m still not supposed to, I - ”

“You know what,” interrupts Max, before things can get too out of hand. “I think two options is a great idea. Why don’t we start with shirts, yeah?”

Dapper stares at him, breathing a little fast. Looking at him now, he almost seems familiar.

Dapper nods shortly.

“Okay,” says Max calmly. “Should we look at long-sleeve shirts or short-sleeve shirts?”

“I always wear long-sleeve shirts.”

“Okay. But do you want to wear long-sleeve shirts or short-sleeve shirts?”

“I’m not allowed to - ”

“I’m telling you you are allowed to,” says Red softly, touching his hand. “Come on, little man, take it easy. You can get whatever you want today.”

“When did you decide you were against all of Anti’s rules?”

“Come on, Dap. Let’s not do this. You were with me. You just get a little lost. I think you know what you want, buddy.”

“I don’t.”

“I think you do. Do you want to wear long-sleeve shirts or - ”

“I want to wear t-shirts!” shout Dapper’s hands.

Red’s mouth curls into a smile, a little laughter bubbling in his chest. “Okay. We - ”

“We’re in motherfucking South America! It’s like forty fucking degrees outside! Do I look like I’m goddamn cold-blooded?”

Red is trying not to crack up, his hand over his mouth.

“Am I headed to the opera? Am I seducing women at the king’s ball? Why the fuck do I have to wear a dress shirt every! Single! Goddamn day!”

“Your name is Dapper, even, he really likes you wearing - ”

“My name is Dapper! My name! He made this my brand! I don’t want to wear dress clothes and these horrible tight little shoes every day! They’re for special occasions! They’re supposed to be my nice clothes! For fun, for fancy days when it’s supposed to be fun to dress up! He’s ruined it, it’s not fun anymore, I used to love dressing up like this. Now I’ve killed people in these shoes! I’ve run for miles in these shoes, run until my feet bled in these shoes! Motherfucking high-collared shirt choking the life out of me, I’m like those French aristocrats with the puffy collars, black pants in the heat looking like a government agent or a classical harp player, motherfuck! Teaches me it’s stupid to talk like I’m from the 1920s, teaches me to swear, but thinks I’m at my cutest in an over-sized hoodie or a goddamn dress shirt. Does he - is it a kink, is that what it is, why does he make me - ”

“You are killing me, Dap, stop!” Red is heaving with laughter. “I’ve never seen you talk this much in your entire fucking life.”

“What is he saying?” asks Max, bewildered.

“He wants to wear - ”

“I want to wear T-SHIRTS,” sign-shouts Jameson, grabbing Red’s hand and dragging him towards the casual wear. “I want to wear T-SHIRTS and SNEAKERS and SHORTS, it’s hot as hell outside and I don’t have to be cute, I don’t want to, I’m - how old am I?”

“He wants to know how old he is, Max.”

“Oh, he’s like twenty-eight?”

“I’m like twenty-eight! Don’t have to be cute, goddamn! Buy me a t-shirt.”

“This is the best day of my life,” howls Red, grabbing Max’s hand on instinct to lead them after him. “I had no idea you could rant like that, baby brother, oh my fucking hell. Okay, we can get you whatever you want, haha, we can, can’t we, Max?”

“Whatever you want,” repeats Max, a little star-struck, hurrying after them with his hand in Red’s. “Yes, whatever you want.”

Anonymous asked: Dap you’re allowed happy moments too, okay? Don’t forget that. It’s good that you’re watching out for your brother, I would have done the same thing, but today is an easy get some air day, okay? There’s nothing wrong with staying vigilant but don’t stress out to much

“That’s a great note!” says Dap, and he does not why there’s tears in his eyes. “Yes, I can, I can be happy too, I’m not here for anybody else’s happiness, I can make my own choices, I - I want this t-shirt, Red, with the flowers on it.”

It’s white with hundreds of tiny black flowers repeating in row after row across the fabric.

“Okay,” says Red. “Okay, you can have it.”

“I can have what I want. I can have what I want!” He punches Red’s shoulder suddenly, without knowing why, panting, but his brother only chuckles and reaches out to take his hand again.

“Why doesn’t anybody treat me like an adult?” he asks, hurt panging through his chest. “Why don’t I get to do this all the time?”

Ro sighs, pulling the shirt off the hanger for him. “I don’t know, buddy. I’m sorry I haven’t helped you better with it. I’m sorry I haven’t always let you be what you needed to be.”

“Is it because I’m psychotic? Would you treat me like an adult if I weren’t?”

“I think Anti just decided you’re the baby,” Red replies. “I hope you don’t ever have to feel like we don’t think you’re an adult just because of the psychosis. I know that would kill me, if nobody respected me just because I was autistic.”

Dapper sighs too, taking in a deep breath of the shirt. Clean cloth and store smell. He likes it.

“I respect you,” he says. “Maybe more for the ASD.”

“Thanks, Dap, that’s… good to hear. You too. Pick some more out, okay?” Red encourages. “We’ll get you shoes and some pants too. Comfortable stuff. Pajamas, even.”

“Okay. Yeah.”

Dapper picks out another t-shirt with two grey rhinoceros putting their horns together - “they’re in love!” he exclaims to you, hugging it to his chest - a less suffocating blue button-up with little ships printed on it, and a plan white t-shirt with something he doesn’t understand written in Spanish on the chest pocket. Black off-brand running shoes. Clean white socks and a few pairs of boxers. A three-set of gym shorts he and Red can share, a pair of jeans that can be rolled up at the ankles if he gets too hot, and yellow denim shorts with a pair of smiling suns on the front pockets. These, admittedly, are a little cute after all - but he’s allowed to be that too, and it doesn’t have to be for anybody but himself.

Anonymous asked: fuck yeah jamie!! excellent choices, they're awesome clothes, and they make you happy which is the most important thing. those are your clothes now! you own them, they're yours, only yours, to do whatever you want with! you're a grownass man who can buy his own kinda clothes, and fuck anyone who says otherwise!

Dapper laughs in a way you haven’t seen him laugh hardly ever, throwing his head back and closing his eyes. He holds the clothes close to his chest.

“Yeah, yep, you’re right, you’re right. I wish it was our own money, but maybe someday we can pay Max back.”

He pauses, looking over at Max. He does seem familiar, again. Dapper tilts his head, thinking about him, but he only gets vague images.

“Nice of him,” he says, looking much calmer. The store is mostly quiet at this time of day and he feels unbothered and protected. “He is nice.”

Anonymous asked: do you both wear the same size? just curious actually because jackie you've been going without for him :(

“Ah,” laughs Red nervously. “I… I haven’t been going without, really, I don’t need the jacket most of the time. Rather he had it. But, uh, yeah, well. I’m a little - ”

He cuts himself off with a snort. “Was going to say thicker, haha. I’m allowed exercise and shit like that, so he’s a good deal smaller than me, locked up in his room all day. But we’re just as tall and, like, hips and stuff are the same, so mostly we fit into the same. He drowns a little in my hoodie but he never seems to mind. More places for the little gremlin to hide knives. But, yeah, it’s nice that we can switch it up if we need to.”

He glances over at Max, rifling calmly through some shirts. Red’s pretty sure he’s trying to give them space to make their own decisions, but he feels nervous every time he looks at a price tag. This is going to cost so much money. He blows out a long sigh.

“But it’s fine,” he tells you, nodding. “It’s fine. He wants to get us stuff and he has enough money and he told me to get things I wanted. Hell, well… what do I want?”

Anonymous asked: Ohhh!! Ro what if you got some nice cargo shorts? Or like a t-shirt that’s made of soft material? Maybe a new hoodie? Make sure to check clearance if they have it lmao that stuff might be a bit cheaper than the in season stuff.

“Okay, okay,” nods Ro, considering. “Actually clearance is a great idea.”

He wanders over to the little circle of clothes on clearance, his hands brushing through for material he likes. There’s some fabrics he just won’t wear, and scratchy tags or seams are equally problematic.

“I would like a new hoodie,” he says. “I love the old one but it’s so worn. It’s - oh.”

He stops, turning his head a little. There’s a clean blue hoodie on sale at the back of the mediums.

He puts his hand on it, his fingers running over the surface and the zipper and the strings of the hood. It’s soft to the touch, but not too soft, not too giving. The fabric is thick - hot, to be sure, but good for bearing the brunt of scrapes and scratches. He pulls it between his fingers.

He’s only ever had red and black hoodies. But he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to.

He really misses Blue.

He sighs deep through his nose, burying his face in the soft fabric for a long moment. He’s been putting it off. Refusing to think about it.

But he misses him every day.

“I’m sorry I left you behind,” he mumbles to no one. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” says Max, coming towards him. “You okay?”

Red looks up. “Yeah,” he says.

“You sure?”

“I just wish the others were all here too. That we all had a chance to choose what we wanted.”

“You will,” promises Max, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You will, okay? I’ll help you find the others.”

Ro looks up at him, but suddenly he doesn’t feel grateful. It’s too much kindness. He’s too good to be true.

What does Max want from him?

No, Ro, don’t start thinking like this, please. He can’t take it, not when something good is finally happening to him.

“Can I get that for you?” asks Max, gesturing at the hoodie. “The color’s really nice.”

“Thanks,” he says. “Yeah, if you don’t mind, I’d really appreciate it.”

“I’m really glad to have a chance to get you things again,” says Max. “Maybe some shirts and a pair of shoes, too, and then we can go get you guys some lunch, yeah? If there’s anything else you need, we’ll pick that up too.”

“Okay, okay,” nods Ro, considering. “Actually clearance is a great idea.”

“I would like a new hoodie,” he says. “I love the old one but it’s so worn. It’s - oh.”

He stops, turning his head a little. There’s a clean blue hoodie on sale at the back of the mediums.

He’s only ever had red and black hoodies. But he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to.

He really misses Blue.

He sighs deep through his nose, burying his face in the soft fabric for a long moment. He’s been putting it off. Refusing to think about it.

But he misses him every day.

“I’m sorry I left you behind,” he mumbles to no one. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” says Max, coming towards him. “You okay?”

Red looks up. “Yeah,” he says.

“You sure?”

“I just wish the others were all here too. That we all had a chance to choose what we wanted.”

“You will,” promises Max, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You will, okay? I’ll help you find the others.”

Ro looks up at him, but suddenly he doesn’t feel grateful. It’s too much kindness. He’s too good to be true.

What does Max want from him?

No, Ro, don’t start thinking like this, please. He can’t take it, not when something good is finally happening to him.

“Can I get that for you?” asks Max, gesturing at the hoodie. “The color’s really nice.”

“Thanks,” he says. “Yeah, if you don’t mind, I’d really appreciate it.”

Anonymous asked: Hey Ro, it’s okay to be cautious. You’ve learned to second guess things since you’ve been with Anti as a defense mechanism. It’s alright to do that, hell I do it all the time! It helps you think realistically, but don’t let it consume you to the point where you can’t experience anything new or fun because you’re too scared it’s not gonna be real. If It’d help, maybe try talking to Max about it? Your concerns? Communication might help eliminate some of the anxiety you feel towards all this.

Red bites on his lip a little, thinking about it. Communicating - how does he communicate something like that? ‘I’m scared you might be here to kidnap my time traveling little brother? I’m scared you might arrest me after all? I’m scared you want something from me but I don’t know what?’

He takes a deep breath and lets it puff out. Max wanders politely away again to let him shop in peace.

It’s okay to not trust him right away. They can work on it.

But he wonders, somewhere in the back of his head, if he’s letting himself be guided more by the way he feels towards Max than what’s really true or safe for Dapper.

And that has to be the first priority.

Right now, though, Max is helping him take care of Dap and he has everything he needs, so it’s okay for Red to get things too. He calms down and finds himself some nice sweatpants, a pair of good running shoes with green stripes down the sides - a part of him insists Anti will get him even nicer ones when he gets back to him, but he shoves it off - a pair of jeans, cheap sunglasses to help with his overloads, and soft black gloves. He grabs a green flannel-pattern button-up to wear outside some of the t-shirts he already has and then, as a bit of a treat for himself, he gets a nice red and white t-shirt with elbow-length sleeves and a circle of pelicans around his heart.

Max gets everything for them. Red stands beside him, buzzing with nerves, but Max never shows a hint of irritation or regret. In fact, he seems to only get happier as the day continues - he talks more and more. And more and more. Actually, he kind of talks a lot.

Red loves it.

A stream of white noise in Max’s soothing voice, eagerly communicating his excitement to him at all times, making everything feel happy and enthusiastic to him. Max chatters about pelicans and food and Colombia and the places he’s tracked him to and books and movies and everything he’s missed while he’s been with Anti.

“At this point I was in a hotel in Budapest,” says Max. “Still undercover, hadn’t heard from you in two months, thought you were safe at home, thinking about how you’d probably gone to see the new Black Panther movie without me. And it was so horrible at the time, but it seems funny now, cause I got back and you were gone and I was so lost, so lost. So scared for you. But I just remember in the midst of like a complete fucking breakdown I had this thought - well, he probably didn’t see Black Panther 2 without me, we can go together when I find him.”

Max shakes his head and laughs at himself, moving with them down the mall. Dapper is engaged in everything going on around him - people, shops, colors, lights, smells, food, merchandise. But Red - Red is just fixated on Max.

They pick up everything they need from a little general store. Shampoo, soap, deodorant, toothpaste, new toothbrushes - Ro could cry at just the thought of his teeth feeling clean - and combs, sunscreen, a bag of tea and a bag of coffee, more beef jerky for an eager-looking Dapper, a camera to make new IDs, stylist’s scissors, a burner phone, vitamins and a first-aid kit, charcoals and a drawing pad - the list seems endless to Red, but he feels grateful again, just watching Max, and Dapper seems calm and happy, racing around to get things off the shelves.

“And I haven’t like been having a ton of fun without you, you know? I’ve been looking for you, mostly alone, and I just - I just really want to catch up on everything with you, I do. So we should see Black Panther 2 sometime, that’s all I’m saying. Oh! And there’s another one out soon, you know, we’ll see everything. I’ll take you wherever, we can do whatever. I found you, you’re okay!”

Max whirls on him suddenly and Ro almost jolts at the sight of tears in his eyes. Max looks at him like he’s something so - so -

Red turns his head away, unable to bear it. Max looks at him like he’s something so wonderful. So worthwhile. So good. Max is crying tears of joy just for him.

“Um,” he says, squeezing Dapper’s hand. “Where did you have in mind for lunch?”

“Oh, anywhere,” says Max reverently. “I’ve just been cooking at my place. I’ll get you anything.”

“We should try real Colombian food,” says Dapper. “I never get to try anything actually ethnic and I’ve been to so many countries.”

“Sure,” says Max.

“Can we get something to go?” asks Ro. “I don’t want to be out in public any longer than I have to.”

“Also a good idea,” says Max. “Let’s pick something up and head back. I love ethnic food from like, everywhere. I’ll make you Indian food sometime, okay? I know you love curry and naan and stuff, and we can get everything we need again, cause it’s been so long since I had a stocked kitchen and everything, I’ve just been looking for you…”

He moves back into a long trail of talking, looking years younger than he did the night Red saw him in that greenhouse. Red feels younger too.

--------------

“And I figured, like - at this point if it’s not Anti, then I have bigger problems than him, because the power outage was incredible. Whole country was a wreck, the national government got involved, and I’m guessing for sure that’s Anti, got to be, but now I think about it, honestly you must have helped far as I can reckon, because the hacking that must have taken - ”

“I don’t remember that at all,” says Ro, trailing after him back towards the motel, smiling. Dapper’s swinging their food back and forth in hand, listening to the padding of his new shoes down the concrete.

“I really don’t understand, still, entirely the reason behind it, but then again I figure - ”

And then Max is grabbing Red and shoving him into an alley, pinning him down against a wall. Red screams aloud and grabs his wrist to break it, terror bursting against his veins, and then Max hisses, “Jackie, police, police!”

Heart still pounding, Red turns his head around and sees a pair of police cars parked directly outside of the motel where they’ve been staying.

Dapper shoves Max bodily away from Red, hissing through his teeth, putting his body between theirs.

Anonymous asked: Dapper, it's okay, he wasn't trying to hurt him. There's police there, be careful, now isn't time for fighting, it's time for running.

“They’re right, we have to go,” murmurs Max, tugging on Red’s sleeve.

“Where?” stammers Red. The red and blue lights aren’t even flashing and the sight of them is still paralyzing. His heart feels thin and rapid in his chest. “I can’t - he can’t sleep on the street anymore, I need a place for him.”

“You can come stay with me,” says Max gently. “I have a nicer hotel room with a little kitchen and everything. There’s two beds.”

Red pauses, staring at him.

He shakes his head.

Clears his throat.

“Why’s there two beds?”

“I was hoping to find Jameson. You know that.”

Red’s stance is stiff and wary.

“Right… Yeah.”

“I don’t want to sleep with him,” protests Dapper, hiding against Red’s shoulder. “This isn’t safe. Convenient timing for the cops to get here, detective.”

“I can’t tell what he’s - ”

“He said this was convenient timing for the cops,” Red translates sharply, wrapping an arm around Dap. “Cops you’ve been talking with.”

Max lets out a nervous laugh, shaking his head. “You - you can’t think I would actually - I helped you get away, don’t you remember?”

Red sighs, loosening his grip on Dapper a little.

bupine asked: guys, max wouldn't sell you out. why would he have bothered taking you shopping? i can get why you're paranoid, but that doesn't make sense. if max wanted you arrested, he'd have done it by now.

“Right,” says Ro, and you see his cheeks fill up with blood. He turns his head away. “Fuck, I - I’m sorry, Max, I just - ”

Max is turned slightly away from him, gripping his gloved hands together.

“I’m just paranoid.”

Max turns his gaze back up to him, shaking his head a little.

“Ro… Jackie. This isn’t easy for me either, really. I don’t know if Anti’s going to come back for you. I don’t know if he’s in your head or if he can see us through these cameras. But I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to be okay.”

“It’s just all too sudden and random. It’s like winning a lottery I didn’t know I bought tickets for.”

“There are people in the world who care about you, Ro,” Max insists, managing to smile for him again. “Not just you, your whole family. Stacy, Marvin’s club, the rest of the Kamenyes…”

Dapper stiffens slightly.

“Let’s just try going back to my place, okay? The beds even have a wall and a door between them. You and Jameson can have your own room and privacy and you can lock me out if you need to.”

“Okay,” says Ro softly. “Thank you.”

“It’s my fault, really. I should have known that if I could track you, so could these cops.”

“But slower,” adds Red. “Guess you’re the better detective.”

“No, Red, I can’t go!” Dapper cuts them both off. “I need my bear!”

“What? I thought I packed the whole room. I always do.”

“He’s behind the curtains on the window!”

“Why would you put him there?”

“He tells me if Anti’s coming!” cries Dapper, tugging on his shirt. “I need him!”

“Dap, we can’t go back just for a bear. I’ll get you a new one, buddy. You love new stuffies.”

Dapper shakes his head furiously, scrambling to get his knife out of Red’s backpack. He’ll go through the cops himself if he has to.

“Blue got me my bear to look after me while he’s away!”

“Dapper, come on! Don’t make me handcuff you again!”

Max’s eyes widen, his hands gripping suddenly together.

Anonymous asked: Hey, Dap, it's okay. The police don't know there's anything special about your bear. They don't even know he's yours, right? No way to track him. They can look in the room, but if Jackie didn't find your bear, they probably won't either. You guys can take some time. We'll be keeping an eye out for Anti too, and we can tell you if he's coming in the meantime. And maybe later, once the police leave and it's safe, one of you can go back to get your bear? Can you go just a little while without him?

“I don’t want to be in a room with him without my bear,” whines Dapper.

“Dap, listen to what they’re saying. We are going to protect you, not the bear. You’re having a delusion, Dapper, that thing isn’t real.”

Dapper’s face whitens, his hands gripping shakily together.

Red sighs, leaning forward to touch him. “I’m sorry, just - please, give me a couple days to try and get it back?”

Dapper hides against his collarbone, sighing.

Anonymous asked: maybe max can get the bear for you, dap

“Don’t touch my bear!” protests Dapper, whirling on him.

“No, that’s perfect,” says Max gently. “Can I have the keys, Ro?”

“Yeah, sure. Thank you, shit.”

“I don’t want it if he touches it,” grumbles Dapper.

“Okay, Dap,” snaps Red. “Now you’re just being a brat.”

“Ro,” Max cuts him off. “Can I talk to him for a second? Just the two of us?”

Red blinks, startled. For a second, his hand tightens on Dapper’s arm. But he looks between the two of them and makes his decisions.

“Red, Red!” Dapper complains, trying to follow him. Max stands quietly in front of him, biting on his lip.

“Jameson,” he says. “Jameson.”

“That’s not my name!”

“Is Dapper?” asks Max, exasperated.

His hands go silent, turning bitterly away.

“I wanted to apologize,” says Max. “If I’ve been too focused on Jackie. We were closer, we were - but the two of us, you know, we got on well too. I’ve missed you. I came here thinking you were the only one left alive, Jameson.”

“Please,” he begs. “Don’t call me that.”

“Is JJ alright?”

“Fine. I don’t care.”

“JJ, I keep thinking - ha, I don’t know. It feels like you remember me even better than Ro does. But you won’t even look at me. Don’t you remember me? Weren’t we friends?”

JJ doesn’t look at him.

“I remember you. I remember that you worked at a veterinarian clinic during the week and that you helped build houses for people during the weekend. I remember that you were learning ASL and could understand most of Henrik’s German. I remember your violin playing for so long Chase would go drag you out of your room before you made your fingers bleed. Charcoal art pinned up all over your wall and an antique clock collection all across your room. I remember you, JJ. Other people remember you too. Other people still love you.”

JJ has turned slightly back to him, his eyes faraway.

“I lost that person,” whisper his hands, slow so Max can follow.

“It’s okay to change,” answers Max softly. “That doesn’t mean that the person you were is completely gone.”

JJ stares at the ground, his face ashy.

“Let me go get your bear for you,” Max asks.

JJ doesn’t answer. Max waits one minute, two. Finally he sighs and turns to get the keys from Jackie, and goes to get his bear.

“Hey, don’t cry,” whispers Red, coming back to his brother and taking his hand again. “What’s wrong, buddy? Come here. It’s alright. It’s alright.”

Anonymous asked: Just stay calm everyone alright? Think about this Dap, that bear has a lot of meaning to you but compare that to the possibility of sleeping In a cold cell if you went back for it. Maybe they won’t find it and you can come back for it later? The priority right now is not to get caught and if you go back there Anti will find you. Go with Max and Ro and stay out of sight bud, come on, please?

“Exactly, exactly,” agrees Ro, stroking his shoulder. “You’ll come back to Max’s place, right, bud? Better than sleeping in fucking jail. I’m going to keep you safe. I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you, would I?”

JJ shakes his head. Now he just looks exhausted.

“If Max can get the bear back, great. But hopefully we can get you medicine soon so you don’t feel like you need it and the paranoia isn’t so bad. Right?”

“This isn’t where I’m supposed to be,” he answers, staring around him. “It was never where I was supposed to be. Such an odd and terrible timeline.”

“Um.” Ro looks around. “Well. Gotta do our best with what we have, right?”

“I think I’ve lost… great parts of myself,” he says.

Ro scoffs and kicks his foot across the ground. “I feel you, bud. I feel you.”

Anonymous asked: It's just like what you said about Ro, JJ. You were never dead, just sleeping. Just forced into dormancy by a monster.

JJ laughs quietly. He likes that imagery, really. You know him by now - reflective and introspective, thoughtful and often lost in his musings and tortured confusions. Never dead, just sleeping. How Biblical. How hopeful.

He wants some of that back, some of that hope. Some of that person who played music til his fingers bled and could come and go as he pleased.

But he comes and goes so often. He sleeps and dies and wakes and rises and falls again.

Anonymous asked: Awe, I'm sorry JJ, I know it's really rough right now. It's hard when you lose things, especially such important parts of yourself. Thank you for trusting Max and Ro in this. It'll turn out okay. You're really brave, JJ, and really strong.

“Hey,” calls Max, returning, and there’s the bear in his hands. Ursa Minor, Ursa Major. Marvin used to call him Asteriscus. He remembers. Bits and pieces. Friends and home.

“Thank you,” JJ tells you quietly, taking the bear from him. It’s hard to lose pieces but they’re not all gone.

And if he’s not brave, he wants to be. If he’s not strong - no. He is. He has been. For a long time. He’s alive, isn’t he? And there are still parts of him - still parts of him, not dead but asleep. Still parts of him that wake up every now and then and fight like hell. He remembers slapping Anti right in the face and he wants to laugh and hide at the same time.

“Ready to go?” asks Ro, squeezing his shoulder. He nods and they move away, keeping close to crowds and shadows, heading towards Max’s room.

Anonymous asked: Max, do you see something? What's wrong?

Max did, in fact, notice something.

He trails behind Ro and JJ, feeling tired himself, though he tries to stay happy and calm for their sakes. He’s got to. He’s got to earn their trust back.

It’s just one more thing he lost the day he lost everything.

“You were my family,” he almost wants to say. He wants to shout it. “In more ways than one. You held me when my father died. You celebrated holidays with me. You took me to the hospital when my appendix burst and Henrik hit another doctor with a clipboard for trying to perform on me without him. You knew me and I knew you. It’s not fair that you’ve forgotten. It’s not fair that I had to hear you threaten to handcuff him. He’s psychotic and he’s scared and he’s your brother and you threatened to handcuff him. You would never do that. Jackie would never do that.”

But he doesn’t say anything. And he tries to stay happy and calm.

“Stop being selfish,” he wants to tell himself. “Stop thinking about what you want. They’ve been through hell and you need to help him find himself again instead of mourning like an idiot over who he used to be.”

He always promised himself that whatever had happened to JJ, he would still love him. He would still forgive him and help him come back to himself.

But seeing Jackie as Red - much as he wants to help - is not something he expected.

The promise he made to Jackie was to save Jameson if Jackie wasn’t there to do it himself.

Max stops suddenly in the middle of the pavement. Ro notices him stop and turns around, frowning.

“Max?”

Max beckons him closer. Ro pauses, glancing at Dapper, and drops his hand long enough to come back to Max for a moment.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Max touches the string of his hoodie, just for a second.

“Don’t ever threaten to handcuff him again,” he croaks, unable to meet his eyes.

Ro blinks at him, confused.

“Ro, promise me. Don’t ever threaten him at all again.”

Shame in Ro’s face. Shame filling his face up. He looks away, reddened.

“Jackie, promise - ”

“I won’t,” says Ro, soft and bitter, closing his eyes. “I… I won’t. I promise.”

“Okay,” whispers Max, his throat burning. “Good.”

He walks ahead of them. He hears Ro call his name again, but he doesn’t answer. He needs a minute.

He knew it would be this hard. Why does it hurt so much worse than he thought it would?

He takes a deep breath in and finds his smile again. Calm and happy. Calm and happy. He has to help them find themselves. He won’t watch them get hurt anymore.

Anonymous asked: Are you alright, Max?

“Oh,” says Red, startled, as they enter the little hotel room. “It is nice, Max. I didn’t know there were places this nice in this part of the world.”

Max smiles wearily, a little sad from the statement, because truthfully it’s just an average little hotel room, with clean floors and beds and little bottles of shampoo in the shower. But Jackie hasn’t had nice things in a long time and Max wants to give him - anything, everything, everything he wants. He doesn’t know how else to say I still love you without saying it out loud. And Jackie isn’t ready to hear him say it. Jackie’s barely ready to let him buy him shoes at the mall.

The way anger and hurt and “it’s not fair!” are boiling in his stomach, he thinks maybe he’s not ready to say it again either. Not yet. But he still wants to. He wants to say and do so many things. Wants to touch him again, wants to -

He shakes his head and laughs at himself as Red settles Dapper down to eat the food he bought them. They’ll have rice and meat and vegetables, so much all three of them get full, really full, for the first time in weeks.

That’s good. It’s good.

Yeah, he’s fine. Not really, okay, but he can be. He shoots you a little grin and a thumbs up. He’s flushed from the heat and his eyes are bright. Dark hair is curling into his eyes. He just wants to be happy they’re here. He wants to give them both anything they need. Right now, that’s all he can do, and he’s proud to do it.

“Should we get some food?” he asks them, and JJ hefts the bag of take-out, hugging his bear to his chest with his free hand, and yes, everything’s alright, everything’s alright.

Everything’s better than alright, because even if he’s not the man he was, Jackie is here, Jackie is alive. Max is with him again. The rest is semantics. Stop being sad, dumbass! he tells himself.

He takes a minute to himself in the bathroom while Ro and Dap settle in. And when he comes out, honestly, things are better in his heart, and he’s okay. He is. He’s alright. There are triggers for bad emotions and by fuck does he have them, but there are also happy triggers. And dinner with Jackie and JJ - Jackie’s face and the thought, even if not spoken out loud, the thought I love you directed at him, directed at his blue eyes and dark hair and his honest, smiling face -

Max is happy in a way that goes down deep, past the hurt and the fear and the loss and the grief. Max is happy.

“We’re going to have food,” he says.

Ro smiles at him. Eyes bright.

“And I’m going to put on your favorite music.”

“I don’t remember what that is,” Ro laughs.

“And we’re going to be okay. And we’ll sit on the bed and watch a movie and everything will be alright. Okay?”

“Okay,” says Jackie, very soft, his guilt melting away in the face of Max’s joy for him. “Okay, that sounds good.”

“Sounds good, JJ?”

“Sounds okay,” says JJ, leaning against Ro’s shoulder. “Sounds pretty okay.”

“Okay.”

He sits down with them right there on the floor of the hotel room.

He’s alright. They’re alright. I love you, he does not say, but he means it. He means it.

Anonymous asked: Even if you are "Dapper", even if you've been forced to be a baby, forced to simper and play puppy, you are also always still Jameson Jackson. Always still the man who fought like hell against his tormentor, always still the man who bitch slapped Antisepticeye, always still the strong person who's still kept parts of himself alive and well even after all the manipulation and pain and torment. Nothing the demon does can truly take away who you are.

Max puts a pork crackling in his mouth and almost chokes on it. “You bitch-slapped Anti?”

Dapper hides against his box of white rice, grinning just a little. “Maybe…”

“Don’t remind me,” groans Ro. “He and Dok both got in so much trouble.”

“I did fight, though,” says JJ softly. “I did, I do not give in easily, I do not give up easily. I did not want to wear my little - I want to go put my t-shirt on!”

He gets up and yanks it right out of Red’s backpack, ducking off to the bathroom to change.

“He must get hot in that.”

“Honestly I don’t know how he does it. Like Norway, maybe, but Peru?”

“He is tough, he’s a tough little guy. He always has been.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, totally. Not scared of anything.”

Ro chuckles and picks at his brisket.

“Um… hey, I’m sorry I threatened him. I just - have a lot of issues with the, like… hierarchy we have, and I just… I’m working on it.”

“We’ll work on it together,” says Max, and Ro smiles shyly at him. “You haven’t had a chance to treat him like a real brother in a while.”

JJ comes back in his rhino shirt. He sits a little closer to Max than he did before.

“I’m tough,” he says to himself, taking a piece of Ro’s brisket and making him laugh. “I am.”

He looks torn between nervous and elated, his eyes distant with memories. Letting himself reminisce. A time traveler never really forgets, even if his brothers do. Even if a demon tries to take him away from himself.

Anonymous asked: Max, bud, your emotions and responses are just as justified as theirs. There are such things as second hand victims. You might not have gone through things at the same degree that they did, but that does not mean you have not suffered or that what happened has not affected you in any way.

“I’m so full,” whispers Ro.

“I probably should have cut you off at some point for your own health,” Max whispers back.

“Shut up,” laughs Ro, smacking his shoulder, and they dissolve into quiet laughter over the remains of their meal.

Dapper is asleep across Ro’s lap, hugging his bear. Max’s laptop is playing a movie Red hasn’t paid attention to on the mattress in front of them. And they’re sitting close together, just talking.

Cause it turns out “talking more about everything” didn’t mean reliving months of trauma when Max said it. He just wanted to talk. And it’s easy. It’s easy to talk to Max.

“Everyone’s really okay?”

“I mean… we’re never great, you know? But we’re alive.”

“I really thought you were dead.”

“That’s horrible,” says Ro. “I’m sorry.”

Max smiles softly at him.

“They’re right, you know. You… you matter too, Max.”

Max looks down at his feet, still smiling unhappily.

“Have you been alone this whole time?” asks Ro, almost afraid to know the answer.

“I left England almost right away,” Max whispers back. “Don’t have any family. Cut off contact with my friends. Scared Anti would notice me. And I’d just been undercover for months, so I was already… I don’t know.”

He laughs miserably, shaking a hand through his hair.

“I did bad things over those months, you know. Really bad things to keep my cover safe. I got the head guy, in the end. It was good work. But it felt horrible. Still feels horrible. And I spent the whole time thinking about how I’d come back to you.”

“To me?” asks Ro.

“Um. To - to all of you,” adds Max.

“Right.”

“It was hard. But it doesn’t matter now. I’m with you again.”

He looks up at Red. There’s an explosion on the screen and they both flinch and then laugh, hiding their faces from each other for a second, leaning a little closer with the weight of their laughter.

“I want a chance to heal alongside you,” says Max after a beat, and their eyes are flickering between each other’s eyes and hands and mouths. “I want to have a chance to be with you again. That’s all I want anymore. Forget the past and we’ll rebuild.”

But Ro is shaking his head slowly, looking up at him.

“Max,” he says. “I’m not the person I was.”

“Does it sound like I am?” Max returns quickly. “Jackie, I know what it’s like to feel broken.”

“But you’re so good,” answers Ro, his voice raw. “You’re so… I don’t… Max, soon you’re going to see what I really am, like you got a glimpse of when I said I’d handcuff him. I’ve done worse things than that. Someday, you’re going to see who I am really, behind all this, and then you’re not going to want me anymore. Max, I’m just going to hurt you. I’m not your friend anymore. I’m some shell of him. I died and Anti made me over again. You should go, Max. You should go before you realize Jackie’s really gone. And Red - he isn’t worth you sticking around for. You’ve already wasted so much of your life on us. You don’t have to waste your friendship too.”

“Waste,” says Max, low and reverent. “Waste.”

His hand has come to rest just beside Red’s stomach in the space between them. He didn’t notice it getting closer. He can hear his heart in his ears.

“I don’t know how to tell you,” begins Max softly, certainly, trying. “How… I… Waste. No. No. You are worth anything.”

Ro hears himself laugh. His eyes sting. He turns slightly away.

Max takes his arm and pulls him back. He doesn’t force him to look him in the eyes, but they do come close again. They do breathe in the same air and their hands rest beside each other on the bed. And Ro could touch him. Ro could touch him and he thinks, suddenly, that Max would allow it, and he is afraid.

“I don’t care what you’ve done,” says Max. “I don’t care. I’m not going anywhere, Jackie. You are worth anything I have to offer. We made promises, you and me. I guess you don’t remember, but it doesn’t matter. I’d give you anything you asked for, I would, I don’t care. I don’t care if it sounds naive. I knew what to expect if Anti ever got his hands on Jamie again. I know the way he uses people. I know the things you must have done. I don’t care. I’ve done them too. You can’t surprise me. You can’t drive me away. I… you are my family, Jackie. Ro. Whoever you are, you are my family. And that’s all that matters.”

And Ro wants to say something, to do something, to touch him, maybe, if he could. He’d like to tell him that he’s wrong, but also that he’d do anything to make him right. He’d like to tell him that he’s sorry and that he wants to be his family too, but he doesn’t know how. He wants to tell him he’s trying to believe him. He wants to push him away and hold onto him at the same time. He wants to touch his hand.

“I think I’m going to go to bed,” he says instead.

Max’s face falters with the grief of it for a moment, but then he is smiling again, calm and happy, calm and happy, and Ro is sorry, because already he is showing Max all the things he really is: too cowardly to talk to him, too cowardly to touch him, too broken to be able to have conversations like him, too lost in his own self-pity to even try.

“Get some sleep,” says Max warmly, smiling at him. Smiling so warm at him.

Ro nods and scoops up Dapper in strong arms, taking him to the bed in the other room. His little brother wakes up long enough to glance at him and see the upset in his face, but Red just shakes his head and tells him to go back to sleep, and JJ is too tired to protest.

Ro lies down, waiting for his own self-deprecation to begin attacking, attacking, eating him alive.

But strangely enough, it doesn’t, not know.

Maybe it’s warm food or a warm bed or a warm hand close to his own, but he doesn’t feel cold.

He lies awake and thinks, over and over again:

“You are worth anything. I don’t care what you’ve done.”

Max’s smiling mouth.

Jackie falls asleep.

End Section Eight of Chapter Three: Places to Find Home

#writers of jack #chapter three

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stanford-pines · 4 years

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ugh, bad ugly vent post below the cut. tw for just general really ugly negativity

nnnn aside from being ill and in pain currently right now because i’m sick, there’s just a general sense of unwellness that i always have because i’m chronically ill, mentally and physically. i have a sleep disorder, an underactive thyroid, major depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. i’m also way overweight, a condition that exacerbates and is exacerbated by all the other stuff i have to deal with, and have a bum ankle from an injury that didn’t heal properly a few years ago that sometimes makes strenuous activity difficult.

i’m always tired and achey, prone to suddenly passing out, and at least mildly mentally distressed and exhausted at all times. i haven’t felt well for almost a decade now. and it’s really hard to get together enough psychic energy to get up and go do things and be active.

i’d like to be. i’d like to be able to get up and go for a walk or a bike ride every morning. i’d like to be able to eat well, get my appetite back under control, and take care of myself, and lose all this extra weight. i’d like to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be really happy about what i see in it.

it’s just really frustrating that everything always seems to be one step forward and two steps back. when i make progress with one thing, something else happens and suddenly i’m back in the pit. and it’s really frustrating that i struggle with everything, even just basic things like getting out of bed in the morning and facing another fucking day on this godforsaken planet, and my father does nothing but berate me about it.

i know my weight is a factor in why i don’t feel well. i want to change it. but it’s not the only factor, and i haven’t had the luxury of finding the right combination of medication and therapy to fix enough of the things that are wrong with me to give me back some of my energy so i can make those changes. energy that has been progressively dwindling more and more every year since i started college, and has especially been drained during this hellish year.

i guess i just. feel really bad about myself, and i don’t like myself very much. not even just the weight or my physical appearance, i mean there genuinely isn’t much about myself that i like. i’m annoying and immature and afraid of so many things and i don’t have any direction in life. i’m barely even alive, i just exist. i’m basically a human-sized hole in the universe.

and it really makes me feel awful that my father thinks so little of me. he’s always taken better care of, and even raised, some of my cousins and family friends who are around my age, and doted on them like they were his own kids, and it stings because i know he’ll never love me the way he loves them because i’ll never be like his idea of what they are.

they’re all conventionally good-looking and slim, played sports in school, have active social lives, hold down steady-ish jobs, and live on their own and just have this general image of having their lives put together. he thinks they’re like, model children, and i know every time he looks at me he wonders what he did wrong that i ended up the way i am and not like them.

but i know they struggle, because they talk to me about it because so many of them are like me- physically ill, mentally unwell, stuck in bad situations and upset about their lives. some of them don’t like themselves either, and some of them do things that are harmful to themselves to try and cope. they tell me, but they rarely tell him because they know that he won’t understand, or might even get angry and become disappointed in them as well.

i love them because they are my friends and family, and i understand their lives are hard, and i want them to be able to live better ones, and i’m glad they’ve confided in me about difficult things, and i don’t think any less of them for what they’ve done or been put through.

but i am jealous, because they can hide the ugly parts from him, and i’ve never been able to do that because i’ve lived with him my whole life. and he’s always been like that, just pushing me and pushing me because i was never good enough and never like the other kids, like my cousins and neighbors and classmates and the children of his friends who would brag about their kids’ accomplishments because they were proud of them.

he’s never been proud of me. never. i have never been good enough and it makes me furious.

my mother loves me so much. i’m so glad i have her because if i didn’t i don’t know what i would do. i know all the things i think about myself make her upset because she loves me. if anything, i wish i didn’t think them because i don’t want to hurt her anymore. i want her to live a good life, but she can’t because she’s stuck with me and with him, and he’s an ass to her too and her life is plenty difficult even taking me out of the equation.

hhhhhhh. i also can’t sleep right now because the aches are keeping me awake. i took a xanax, hopefully it’ll knock me out so i can get some rest before i talk to my shrink tomorrow. my medication seemed to be working well before the pandemic, but i think the added stress of everything since then has overloaded the progress i was making. i just don’t know what to do.

#god i just needed to get this out of my system before i laid down #well good night folks see you in the ack emma for another miserable day on gods earth

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alph4betti-spaghetti · 5 years

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Welfare meeting

We chatted for about an hour, MANager, HR and I, about how I’ve been, the issues at work and ways to overcome them but to no real resolve... all I know is I’ve agreed to go back on Wednesday (this Wednesday, before the sick note is up) as a phased return to work, fitting in time for my upcoming appointments etc. Now that it’s real and I’m going back the day after tomorrow -I don’t want to. I want to cry. I’m not ready, but everyone is so expecting of me. I feel like the meeting was pointless and as usual we just went round in circles and I agreed to things that I can’t keep. They’ve done all the reasonable adjustments that they can already, and I still can’t cope. I want out. I am unwell, what am I doing trying to be at work anyway.

Briefly spoke to Dom after the meeting, my true feelings started coming out; that ‘it just is the way it is’, and it’ll go straight back to the normal stress of it all again. Dom told me to think of the positives, and the only one I could think of was money. I want ONE job, not three. I want to work on a project by myself, do things my way. Things are still running along at work without me, so I’m not needed, clearly. I could just quit. I want to cry and quit. Can’t anymore. Just can’t.

#return to work #off sick #mental health #stress

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oopsybaby · 5 years

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That’s not my baby....!

Anyone who’s read the that’s not my.... touchy feely books must feel this way sometimes!

That’s not my baby, she’s way too moany!

That’s not my baby, she’s staying awake all night!

That’s not my baby, she won’t go anywhere except in my arms!

I am the first to admit that I have it easy with Ivy, compared to lots of Mums, she’s always smiling, rarely cries, loves food and loves sleep and is quite content to play by herself while I do chores! I appreciate my win on the baby lottery everyday and although everyone tells me, how hard I must have it being a single Mum and that they just don’t know how I do it alone, I actually think I have such a good and happy baby, that I probably have it easier than most Mums!

Until she’s unwell.....!!!

I have never felt more alone than I feel when Ivy is unwell and crying lots and won’t sleep or eat and we are both tired and fed up and it’s just us.

Last time Ivy was unwell, it was on a weekend that her Dad would normally have her, but I wanted her home so he stayed with us for the weekend instead. We had to take her back and forth to the hospital as her temperature wouldn’t come down and she was sick and I was stressed and panicky and I couldn’t have been more glad that he was there! And it wasn’t just having the support and how much easier it was having someone to drive us back and forth to hospital. It was all the little things that I’ve never had so I haven’t missed them, someone to be able to pass her to because she’s ill and clingy and wants a non stop cuddle session, being able to go to the toilet or shower alone, someone else getting up in the night to comfort her when she wakes, being able to cook a meal without a little monkey trying to climb the safety gate to the kitchen, having someone to reassure me when I’m panicking. You can’t miss what you’ve never had, but I’ve had a glimpse at what raising a child in a couple is now and I think I understand now, why people always tell me how hard I have it, because they have a constant support there and now I’ve experienced that, single Mum life seems all the more difficult!

This week Ives has had HFAM, the most horrible sore blistery rash and of course, a crying baby that won’t sleep or eat, wants to be constantly cuddled but also doesn’t want to be cuddled, just basically, ‘that’s not my baby..!’ and I had to do the thing I hate to do, I had to ask for help!

I am lucky to have the most wonderful best friend in my sister who is more support than any man could be any day, she stayed up all night with Ivy the Second night and took us to hospital when the GP sent us, she even took my poorly cat to the vets, she is basically SuperSister!

I just don’t know how people do it, who are completely single parenting without some amazing person there to rescue them when they hit the ‘I can’t cope!’ Point. I know deep down though that I could cope, if I needed to, I could cry with Ivy, and I would eventually get to sleep and recuperate when she’s better but I feel so lucky to have an amazing Sister to help me and sometimes Ivy’s Dad if it’s a weekend, so yes, single parenting can be bloody hard! Appreciate the support you have and if you do feel like you’re alone, know that you aren’t, and don’t be scared to ask for help!

No one should have to do it totally alone!

#firsttimemum #singlemum #singleparent #firstbaby #babygirl #mumming #ivy #newbaby #poorlybaby #thatsnotmybaby

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dxmedstudent · 6 years

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I'm a first year medic and my exams are in two weeks. I messed around all year (going out doing no work) and my exams I'm taking are multiple choice (so I scraped a pass for the mocks though I did no work for them). I'm now feeling borderline sick at how much work I need to do. I know absolutely nothing and I know I'm not doing/I don't think I even can do the amount of work I need to do to possibly pass these exams. I hate this feeling so much idk how I can hack this for another five years.

I’m sorry to hear things are getting on top of you, and I’m sure you’re not the only student in this situation at this time of year. Your story is a common one; I don’t know if that makes it better, knowing that it’s not just you. We’ve all had that feeling; the first exam we didn’t prepare enough for. The first exam we failed. The first time we’ve struggled with something. It sucks and I really am sorry that you are going through it right now. It sounds like it was avoidable, but we’ve all done things we regret. Don’t focus on the past, and rather than blaming yourself, focus on the problem at hand.You passed your mocks so far; whatever you managed to learn from attending lectures and whatever learning you did do, seemed to be enough to scrape by those. That’s a start; you aren’t starting from nothing. Simply by attending lectures and paying attention, we gain more knowledge than we realise. You probably know more than you give yourself credit for. Yes, you have a lot of work ahead of you, but you are not starting from nothing.Two weeks is still a lot of time. Focus on the basics. Get your syllabus for the year. Make a timetable. Go through as much of your core syllabus as you can. Do not dwell on subjects you feel confident in. Do not dwell on the details. Plan your timetable so you don’t allocate too much time to subjects which will drain all your time if you let them. Be strict; divide up your time to conquer as much of the basics, of the meat of your studies as possible, and just try to get through as much of it as you can. Revise cleverly. You cannot cover it all, by any means. But you can try your best to cover as much as possible, and that could be enough. It’s not over til it’s over. And you can’t possibly tell if you’d pass an exam until you try. Do your best these 2 weeks, and take it from there. Don’t worry about whether you’ll pass, or whether you’ll need to resit; those thoughts won’t help you through revising. Many of us went through every exam in medical school feeling like we were going to fail. Med school is uncertainty, and putting your nose to the books, and just keeping going as best as you can. Don’t forget: eat, drink, take short breaks. Try to sleep. If you find yourself unwell and struggling with stress, and unable to cope, see your GP. Exam time is a common time for people to get overwhelmed with anxiety or depression. Look after yourself, and take whatever comes one day at a time. Reach out to friends and family if you can. Don’t struggle alone. Regarding the future: you’re not going to feel like this for another 5 years. Because you’ve got a choice. You don’t have to repeat this year’s performance next year. You’ve outlined quite clearly that you feel that you didn’t put enough effort into studying this time around, causing things to build up and for you to feel like this right now. Which means that next year, you’ll know what to do differently. That you will be able to put more work in throughout the year to avoid feeling like this again. Every step of our journey is a learning curve; we’ve all messed up at some point and had to learn from it to avoid repeating the same mistake again. Focus on getting through this as best as you can, one day at a time. Good luck, I wish you strength and success.

#ask dx #exam advice #exams #stress #mental health and medicine #revision #revision timetable #revision tips

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cheshrae · 3 years

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It feels like most of this year has been a nightmare, and I’m stuck in it. It feels like I should be waking up any time now and things would go back to how they were; I’d be close to finishing my degree, stressed but healthy. I’d still have my best friend, my beautiful dog who was my unofficial emotional support. Our close family friend wouldn’t have cancer. We wouldn’t have spent 2 months staying up with a sick cat, terrified we lose another close family pet. I wouldn’t be getting sicker and sicker each week, until I had to visit a doctor. It wouldn't take months to do so many tests that I spent more time doing that than anything else. I wouldn’t have broken a tooth, and then had 6 more dental visits because apparently my mouth is fucked. My body is also fucked - I don’t know why it thinks it’s 40 years old instead of the 23 it’s meant to be. The longer the chronic illness goes on, the harder it is to cope. I keep thinking that the next test, the next visit will finally help but it hasn’t, I’ve just gotten sicker and sicker. I can’t eat what I like, I’m tired all the time and I can barely walk. So many things I do to cope with life rely on a healthy body, so it’s no surprise I’m breaking down mentally as well. I keep thinking ‘why can’t I just go back to how I was. Why did this have to happen’. I know that’s counterintuitive. But it’s getting harder and harder to be positive, especially when I was so unwell I had to spend the day in bed today. I’m scared there isn’t a fix, this is just how I am. I hate being ‘the sick friend’ but it’s what I am now. I’m so private with my health problems that I’ve withdrawn from so many of my friends, pretending I’ve been coping. I just can't deal with the ‘you’ll be okay! sending good vibes!’ I don’t know if it’s sympathy I want, or just someone to get angry with me. I was making so many good strides this year - even with my shit health - and I just don't want to let all the hard work down because my body is reaching the point where I more than struggle to complete every day tasks. How am I meant to live and go on with menial tasks? Let alone moving ahead career and study wise. I guess every chronic patient feels that way. I take so much pride in my work and any task I set my mind too, and I’ve rarely had to worry about my body being a problem. The fact that I may such low limits when doing things, and that I may have to not work as hard is upsetting. Someone make me go to a therapist, I think. I know eventually I’ll look back at this, I got out of an awful mental place before so I know I can do it again, but I guess it’s the physical side that really makes me think there is no way out of this hole. How can I be who I want if I suddenly have all these physical limitations? I knew who I was and what I enjoyed doing, I knew how to help myself and at 23, after a good and adventurous but also hard life, I’m old enough to have developed into my own person. Having to change all these beautiful things about how I live that I’d finally reached after years of learning and healing is devastating. I did it before, so I know I can do it again, but the fact that I’m starting from 0 again, and have to test what my body can actually do is awful. It makes me want to give up. I wish there was a fix, something that could help me much faster. I wish I could wake up one morning and actually feel okay. I know wishing gets me nowhere, and all these thoughts are stopping me from starting new, but it’s really hard to let go of it all. Going through it all is also lonely. It’s been such an awful series of events, some relatable, but also a lot that isn’t. I can’t show someone how awful I feel, I can’t always express the pain or how uncomfortable it feels. I feel like I've been trying so hard and each time I achieve something, I get knocked down in another way. Now I have intense food issues, I’m terrified to travel, to go out to lunch with friends. I hate what all this has done to me. I know it’s in my head, but so many things have been ruined by this illness and I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to regain it all in a positive light. Maybe I’ll look back on this tumblr post I’m writing to send into the internet and be able to tell past me it’ll be okay. I used to want to tell high school me I’d be okay, so maybe this will have the same outcome. For now, writing into the tumblr void is at least a way to type it all out, publish it into the world instead of just inside a journal.

#complaining #personal

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angelcatsiel · 3 years

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need to vent because I just can’t cope

I’m about to cry because I’m in so much pain with my stomach right now, it’s been getting worse. we are only allowed to discuss one single issue at a time with a doctor. the doctors are so busy and overwhelmed that some days when I want to speak to a doctor I can’t get through. If I do get through it generally takes a good 50 attempts or more. last time it took 106 attempts according to my phone log, trying over and over at 8:30 in the morning, and by the time I got through, almost all slots were gone. waking up early is very very hard for me anyway. if I know I need to wake up early in the morning to phone them, I normally have a breakdown the night before. I’m sure I will tonight. I’ve been on and off crying all day anyway.

I’ve been phoning them nonstop the last 6 months or so for my skin. finally, FINALLY, I saw a dermatologist. everything they gave me and everything they did made it worse. I’ve given up now. I’m just so used to my skin being itchy and burning during showers to the point that I break down and cry, it’s no longer a priority. instead I’m now trying to figure out why I overheat so quickly and suddenly. blood test came back entirely normal, so no progress there and I doubt there will be. and if my blood test was normal, that doesn’t really explain why I’m so exhausted all the time, either. it doesn’t explain why I feel faint every time I go for a walk. any time I leave the house alone I am terrified that I’m gonna faint and fall into the road. it’s nearly happened a few times. that or I’ll get hit by a car, because I find it hard enough to focus when I’m out anyway with all the noise and sensory input going on, let alone when I’m feeling faint and sick and exhausted. that also has nearly happened a few times.

I can’t get anything done, laundry and dishes are constantly piling up, my boyfriend is suffering from physical exhaustion to the point of being genuinely unwell and sick and not eating, so he can’t help much. I can’t tidy for 5 minutes without either getting too hot, feeling faint, or experiencing back pain so severe that I have to stop. can’t ring the doctors about the back pain, I’ve gotta get the other stuff sorted first. same with the stomach pain. I never get anywhere, I never have. test results are always normal. there’s never any sign of anything wrong with me. I get told I have anxiety. I get told it’s all stress related which I can’t exactly reduce right now. I get told I need to exercise when I just don’t have the energy. I try to do easy, simple exercises at home, but it hurts. I can’t leave the house to exercise, because it’s freezing and the cold sets off my nerve pain. also the whole getting hot/fainting risk thing. I don’t wanna faint in public.

I can’t live like this. I can’t do it. I feel like no one cares. I feel so lonely and so tired and so scared and I don’t even have anything to look forward to. I haven’t seen my family in 6 months. my fucking cat died and I never even said goodbye. I feel like I’ve lost so much time with my elderly grandparents over the last year. if this shit was going on a few years ago when my mental health was really bad, I would be dead. I know I would.

#personal #i am in agony rn #can't do anything about it #no one cares anyway

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dryadalismagicae · 4 years

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OOC:

I should be putting this on my personal blog but ive forgotten the log in and I’m just so desperate to try and get some things out of my head.

My mom has mixed personality disorder. She has two distinct sides - herself, and the dragon. Now, herself - she’s lovely, shes supportive, will do anything for you. The Dragon? Hates my existence, will do anything to make me miserable, will verbally abuse and threaten, will make everything, no matter how minor, absolutely always my fault.

Today, she apparently took a dislike to me again. She changed like the flick of a switch. Apparently I have been off all day, away with the fairies.

In reality, we all rage cleaned the house this morning because she was having a strop about a few boxes. I have not been away with the fairies (I have a disassociative issue-) but actually following after her every whim; all while feeling quite hideously unwell.

Then I get a text message but only half an hour ago; saying she can’t cope with me any more. I put too much pressure on her. She can’t cope with me and she doesn’t want to live in the same building as me. That she wants me gone. That she is sick of my problems and how they get on her nerves and ruin her day. That I am the reason for her problems.

On the other hand - my sister says I’ve been totally fine all day (sometimes when Iam legit away with the fairies, i cant tell). She says I’ve been totally normal, which was entirely my thought.

So now, my severely self-depreciating mind has set in; everything is my fault. I’m terrifyingly low. I’m feeling absolutely hopeless. I can’t even think about eating. I want to vomit. My anxiety is eating me alive. The need to just cut myself to shreds in gripping my brain as if it were sharp claws. And I’ve seen SH Free for three years.

I keep having intrusive thoughts, too, about tossing myself off a bridge into the floodwater because I can’t swim. Drowning doesn’t sound a nice way to go but the trains aren’t running-

And I can’t plague my sister with all of this. My nan is too old for this shit. My other half is supportive but doesn’t quite get mental health issues.

Talking about my other half; mom also said that I am always fine when he is around; but not any other time. Well, I’m not constantly stressed when he’s around; he’s comforting and gentle and kind. And she never has an episode when he’s around either. So of course I’m generally happier, but she’s using that against me. She’s saying I do it on purpose.

I have a personality disorder. I have depression. I have severe anxiety. And every day is a battle for me -t but I do my absolute best and most days I am a functional being who can do things around the house and help with everything and have a joke and a conversation and act normal. But that is getting so much harder.

Mom isn’t getting any mental health support. Which in turn affects me who is - because anything I try and implement gets torn up when things like this happen. My poor head can’t take it. I’m not sure how much longer I can take the verbal abuse, the constant worrying, the constant changes, the unpredictable atmosphere. I live in purgatory, I’m convinced.

I am not coping. And I am ashamed to admit it.

No wonder I spend so much time in my head playing out “what if” scenario’s relating to video games or books. It’s my only escape.

#TW: Mental Health #TW: Self Harm #TW:Suicide #TBD #To Be Deleted

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rochellebuckleyhandmade · 5 years

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This is another post where I just don’t know where to start.

I feel it is important to give you a little background so you can appreciate the enormity of what I’m about to share.

For those of you who don’t already know, I have acromegaly. A rare pituitary tumour that causes all sorts of grief and problems (I’ll expand more on that in a later post). I think it was about 2007 when my diagnoses was finally confirmed. I say “I think” because I have a dreadful memory. I like to blame the tumour for that one.

It was long before my diagnosis that I knew something was wrong. I don’t know how long the tumour had been living quite comfortably on my pituitary, some specialists believe it may have nested either after the birth of my first born or shortly after the birth of my second. There’s no way to know for sure. My first child was born in 1995 and my second was born in 1998 so it may have been around for some time.

I remember struggling terribly with depression and anxiety which really began or esculated after the birth of my first. It was really bad, although there were extenuating circumstances, every medical professional I sought help from told me to suck it up and be grateful for the beautiful little girl I held in my arms. Not even a mention of post natal depression. I can’t help but wonder now if that tumour may have been responsible to a small degree.

As the years ticked by, the depression esculated exponentially and there didn’t seem to be much I could do to stop it or even ease it.

By the time I was working I had piled on a stupid amount of weight but I didn’t understand why. My joints began to hurt, I ached all over and I was always tired. The job I had at the time was managing a not-for-profit that mainly provided free or low cost groceries to those who needed a hand up. The store was located in an industrial building with concrete floors, tin roof, no heating, no cooling and not much of anything else either. Although I only worked two and a half days a week I was always exhausted, increasingly tired and so, so sore.

Me almost at my heaviest of 253kgs

I tried for years to tell my doctor there was something wrong with me but again, I was told I was just too fat and needed to lose weight. Problem was, I couldn’t lose weight. I tried everything, every diet and exercise known to man at that time. Exercising became just too hard. The pain of simply walking was unbearable. I begged my doctor to help but again and again I was told I was just too fat.

I tried to continue living my life but I couldn’t. I had to quit my job because I could no longer walk, stand or get any relief from the pain.

I finally decided to see another doctor and I remember at one stage telling him that I’m not aching because I’m fat and weight bearing. If that were the case, why did my hands, wrists, jaw, neck ache and burn and hurt so much especially since they’re not weight bearing.

To cut a long story short, my doctor could see that I was very unwell, despite every test returning negative results. It was so disheartening and depressing. Why was I like this? What on earth is wrong with me? I began to think it was all in my head. Was this something I’ve subconsciously created to overcome past hurts and failures? Surely past stress couldn’t manifest into something this bad.

Finally, in 2007 I received a diagnosis. Acromegaly. I sat in my endocrinologist office and wept tears of relief. To know that it was not in my head and there really is an illness was one of the biggest reliefs of my life.

I travelled from Lake Macquarie near Newcastle to Adelaide in September 2010 just one day before my 36th birthday to have the tumour removed. It was such an adventure. I loved seeing more of this beautiful land in which we live and although I was incredibly ill, I remained wide eyed and completely enthralled on our journey.

Here I am in Rundle Mall, Adelaide just one day before surgery to remove pituitary tumour. I had a craving for fresh oranges at the time.

By the time I was ready for this surgery I was quite unwell. My weight had ballooned to over 200kgs (223kgs to be exact, that’s 492lb or 35 stone). I had lost the feeling down my left side, I could barely speak, partly due to swelling of soft tissue and I could not walk unaided. My vision was deteriorating rapidly and I was struggling to see. My hands stopped working and I could barely even feed myself. The tumour had wrapped around my carotid artery and invaded my cavernous sinus. The surgeon was convinced he would NOT be able to remove it entirely. I could no longer drive and I was forgetting everything. I even forgot how to cook and I had almost no memory of my past. I used to spend evenings with my sister as she regaled me with tales of my children growing up because I just couldn’t remember. My mind was empty.

By this stage I had been receiving monthly injections of Sandostatin LAR or Somatuline Autogel for the past three years (from the time of diagnosis until surgery). Gee did this stuff made me sick. My stomach hurt all the time, I would spend a considerable amount of my day on the bathroom. My hair fell out, my skin hurt, and I had a collection of cricket ball sized lumps on my rump at injection site that would become very bruised, itchy and lasted about three months each.

I felt like crap constantly.

The tumour was removed successfully and entirely by Mr Santorenos. Despite being told that I would not make it through surgery, mainly due to my morbid obesity, I’m still here to tell my tale. We were told, since I was so over weight and so ill, I could expect to be in ICU for up to six weeks and another twelve on the ward and in rehabilitation – that is of I even survived surgery and didn’t have a heart attack or stroke.

Here I am back on the ward after leaving ICU. You can clearly see the fashionable nasal tampon, vomit bag and towel to try to relieve my thumping migraine.

I was out of ICU within 12hrs and discharged from hospital five days later.

Then my challenges began. Again. My recovery was incredibly slow, arduous and painful. Regrettably I thought that everything would just go back to how it was pre-tumour. Oh how wrong I was. Why didn’t someone tell me it would be so bloody hard? I spent the next twelve months flat on my back in bed. I put this down to over doing it after being discharged from hospital. We traveled home via the Great Ocean Rd from Adelaide to Newcastle. It was stunning, breath taking and totally divine, but I had diabetes insipidus as a result of surgery. Cerebral fluid was leaking from my nose and every time we climbed a small hill in our car my nose would bleed and leak fluid, not to mention my smell and taste had gone after my olfactory glands had been damaged during surgery. This meant I would never smell or taste again. Something that I would have appreciated being told about pre-surgery, even if just to psychologically prepare.

The beautiful Loch Ard Gorge on the Great Ocean Road. I managed to kill my good DSLR on this trip. Just being sick and clumbsy.

Just at the end of my twelve months of being too ill to get out of bed, where my children had to feed me, toilet me, do all of the housework and everything in between, my husband left. At the time, I never saw it coming. I went into shock, my blood pressure went through the roof and as a result I lost my eyesight. Completely. No one knew if it would ever return. It did three months later. Not only did it return but some four years later, my eyesight (an astigmatism and shortsightedness) has improved so dramatically I need to get a new prescription every twelve months. My optometrist believes I will not need my glasses at all soon.

There has been so much that has happened between then and now. Challenges, crap, really tough times, including an horrific single car MVA just over twelve months ago in which I broke my neck in two places, my collarbone, five ribs and a bone in my ankle. I’ve struggled terribly with depression and anxiety and have found it very difficult to hold down a job with the chronic pain I experience.

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Me in hospital trying to walk again after my accident

I recently left the job of my dreams. I was so incredibly crushed. I loved the job, my work, the people, clients, my boss and my colleagues. Unfortunately the workload became just too much and my body and brain could no longer cope. It just did not end well and I went into shock and commenced another cycle of grief. I am incredibly thankful that this cycle did not last long, thanks to my family and wonderfully amazing and supportive friends.

I can’t deny that my life has been pretty darn challenging but I am here to give you all hope and hopefully joy in your heart.

You see, whilst I was laying in that hospital bed in Adelaide some five and a half years ago, I started a rather rudimentary bucket list. In all honesty I never, ever believed I would be able to check any items off my bucket list, given my health challenges and my lack of financial stability (due to being unable to work for so long and fork out on medical expenses).

A few weeks back, I experienced a few events and read some stuff that has really given me a kick in the pants. This was a culmination of events, including my beautiful boy being beaten by an unknown drugged young man, a friend posting an interesting letter written by an 18 year old to his father and a blog article that, along with a few other things have combined to change my life for the better.

As a result of these events and with enormous thanks to my amazing, supportive, encouraging friends and family, I am beginning to see my bucket list come to fruition. Please remember that I have been told time and time again that I would never walk again, by now I should have been confined to a wheelchair at best. I should not be able to talk and I would be incredibly lucky to have survived beyond my 38th birthday. This year I will celebrate my 42nd birthday and between you and me, I plan to celebrate many more.

Well, I am here to prove those doctors and specialists wrong and offer hope to my fellow Acromegaly sufferers, those who battle mental health, those who can’t find the strength to go on. You can do it. You really can. If I can negotiate my way through this thing we call life, so too can you. Please, I implore you, DO NOT GIVE UP, EVER!

So what is it that I can share here with you today that I have checked off my bucket list?

Wait for it….

My dear friend took me skydiving!

Yes, you heard right. Skydiving.

Now, to most of you this may not be such a big deal, but for someone with a chronic illness, someone who has battled anxiety, panic attacks, depression and bucket-loads of self doubt, Someone who is completely terrified of heights and even more so of flying, this is MASSIVE!

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Check out that goofy grin that hardly ever leaves my face. My dive instructor was absolutely amazing and I cannot recommend the team at Skydive The Beach and Beyond, Newcastle highly enough. I cannot thank my dear friend Doug enough either. Without his constant support and belief in me, not to mention his spontaneous suggestion I attend with him the evening before over dinner with Bec, I would never have accomplished this dream. Heartfelt thanks to you Doug.

Yes it was raining, yes it was freezing but it was so flipping awesome I just can’t wait to do it again.

If I had listened to those most of those doctors, specialists and other naysayers, I would not have experienced one of the most amazing thrills of my life. I would not have checked another item off my bucket list, I would not have found the courage and strength to over come. I would not be here today offering encouragement and moral support to you.

Please do not ever give up on your dreams. I can completely understand that life can be one great big fat challenge, obstacle and barrier, but please try to not let it beat you.

This event took place just four weeks ago and I have so many other adventures to share with you since.

Stay tuned and find joy.

Please scroll down to the bottom of our page to leave a comment. We would LOVE to hear from you.

Learning to Live Again – New Adventure #1 This is another post where I just don't know where to start. I feel it is important to give you a little background so you can appreciate the enormity of what I'm about to share.

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suchawonderfullife · 7 years

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Day 11-13: Maintaining the light through the darkness. The limbic system, brain dysfunction, colour & music therapy.

That gorgeous photo above is a piece of art in the patients lounge. There’s something about it, so inspiring and uplifting. I loved it so much I bought an unframed version off amazon to take home. I purchased some other art I also found uplifting or which brought me joy, to help change the atmosphere of my home and signify a new beginning in my healing journey. As mentioned in my previous post about the four quadrants of healing, the Dr that gave this talk emphasised the importance of being in a positive environment, as well as changing your environment if you’ve lived in the same space whilst being sick. As I cannot change the position of my furniture or even purchase new furniture, I thought art was a really good start in bringing change and more positive vibes.

The books in the second photo are one’s my Dr has kindly leant me. I’ve read the first 6 chapters of “Letting Go” and I have to say it is brilliant. The author has a series of books which all connect to mindfulness and raising your consciousness. It’s all stuff I find incredibly interesting anyway, so reading it is easy. Due to my liver being my worst affected organ and as I’ve explained, I experience anger and other negative emotions that I find hard to let go. I’m good at internalising my emotional pain. I also take on the worries of others (being an empath) and I do not cope well with stress. This book will help me work through a lot of that and train my mind to better deal with emotional turmoil and any resentment, bitterness, guilt, anger, or hatred I may be harbouring. The third book “wired for healing”, I have only read the Introduction. But my Dr has explained to me how the limbic system is so badly affected for those that are chronically ill and how it plays such a pivotal and vital role in recovery. So again, I would highly recommend this book on learning about EMDR-DNRS limbic system retraining techniques.

The second book “the book of awakening,” I am yet to read but it sounds like something that woud resonate with me. I am incredibly grateful to have been given such an abundance of information to help my entire body heal to its greatest ability. It just goes to show how much information is out there that we are yet to learn.

Aside from that great stuff, my body has hit struggle town again. I wasn’t doing well on Monday. So we started colour therapy. I wore special glasses that completely covered my eyes and only showed certain colours . Each colour targets a different organ/body system as well as working on different emotions. For example: Yellow- digestion, Blue- expression, thyroid and Red- adrenals, liver. I can’t remember what blue, green, purple or orange are for. So whilst I looked at these colours, one at a time, sometimes 2 colours blended together, he did other things on my body and gave me remedies on the spot. He said that my body is toxic to the colour blue. Meaning I have far too much of it in my system. Blue being the colour for expression, he said that I simply express myself far TOO much, which is funny because most patients are quite deficient in this colour and it’s evident if you meet me in person that I am quite extroverted.

The next day (Tuesday), I was feeling great! I was back to my old self, chatting away to people, super happy and experiencing minimal symptoms. So we worked on my brain. He got me to stand up and do some basic exercises that showed the left side of my body is lacking connection to my brain (the movements were more difficult or not as fluid as the right side). Therefore, my brain’s ability to communicate to the left side of my body is not good and both sides of my brain struggle to communicate with each other. He said this is why it can be difficult to spit out words or remember something as one side of the brain is needing to find the appropriate information from the other side of the brain and they are not working together efficiently. (something like that anyway)

After doing these tests, (one of them was to do with balance and balancing on my left foot I would fall straight away, on my right I wouldn’t last very long), he got me to take these tablets and chew them up. They tasted disgusting. My friend who just finished treatment there likened the taste of these tablets to a hamster cage. It really did taste like that. But once I’d taken them, within 30 seconds, my ability to balance and do all exercises he had previously given me, had improved by 80%. He explained that this specific tablet (it had a scientific name) targeted a certain part of the brain and for some reason improved these symptoms. But neuroscientists and Dr’s cannot pin-point exactly why this specific concoction improves this function in the brain so dramatically, it just does.

My Dr drew a diagram on his computer to explain the parts of my brain that don’t function correctly and why (but I cannot remember enough information to put it into words). What it means though, is that I have to do brain exercises twice a day to restore this function. Very basic things, but I am finding them difficult. My eyes strain and the front of my head hurts like I’m getting a headache, even though I’m only holding these positions for 10 seconds at a time. I got my partner to do them as well and he felt no strain or pain, so it must be due to these deficiencies in my brain function, like a muscle that hasn’t been exercised for a long time. I also have to do these small hand and arm movements, as fast as possible. Watching how fast my Dr could do it and how fast I could do it, I could tell the connection between my brain and limbs, was lacking as I was far slower and literally could not go faster no matter how hard I tried.

I went home feeling good and happy. Progress is being made, I’m learning more and working on so many different aspects of my body that will all come together to catapult my healing. I started to get real tired an hour after being home though. Usually after 4-6 hours of detox therapies, I have to nap for an hour before dinner. Then I’m fine to function, watch tv, potter around the house before bed etc. This night was different. I slept on and off for 3 hours on the couch and could not wake myself up. I was incredibly lethargic and exhausted. I was also very irritable, certain noises that don’t usually set me off would feel like a hammer hitting my brain and I was quite snappy with my partner.

Then when I went to bed I became wired and couldn’t fall asleep until late. Waking up today and having had 6 hours sleep, I thought I felt OK. My mood was a little flat, I told my partner how I was finding treatment was taking a toll on me emotionally now. It feels a little like groundhog day, coming in and doing the same detox therapies over and over (even though they always change your schedule and you don’t do them in the same order). I guess my mindset was just a little negative (which is not normal for me). So off I went to treatment, telling myself to just get through the day and then I only have 2 more days left until the weekend, where I will get to rest.

I arrived at 9am and did Bemer (8 minutes), then sauna (30 minutes). I was feeling fine until 15 minutes into sauna. I suddenly felt toxic, unwell and like I was heading towards passing out. I was chatting to a girl in there and trying hard to persevere. Usually I can do 30 minutes easy and have sometimes stayed in longer because I was too busy talking to the others in there. At 20 minutes I commented to the girl I was in there with that I was feeling really unwell. I tried to change positions and distract myself by continuing our conversation about our pets back home and their funny antics. But at 25 minutes my body was really giving up and I was worried I was about to pass out or lose it or something. So I got out, got dressed and went back down stairs.

I ate some chocolate from my bag, thinking maybe I was low on sugar, went back to the therapy desk and was informed I could start ST8 (30 minutes). I stood there for a moment and said to the therapy assistants “I can’t do this. I feel really unwell and I’m worried ST8 will make me worse.” They empathised and told me to take a break if I wanted. So I sat on one of the couches and was trying to work out what was going on. It’s really difficult to describe, I felt halfway to passing out, halfway to throwing up, like the inner core of my brain was freaking out, neurologically I was frayed. Something was just “wrong” and I didn’t want to make it worse. I started crying and I don’t know if it was from my brain malfunctioning, or from a sense of panic because I didn’t know what was wrong with my body.

My partner talked to the staff and they asked my Dr if he could change my appointment to earlier. I couldn’t see how I could wait 3 hours to see him. Luckily he changed his appointments within 10 minutes and saw me next (how nice is that!). SItting in his office I was weepy, tears rolling down my face and my voice shaking. I haven’t cried in his office yet so I guess I’d done well to hold out until week 3. I explained all my symptoms from the night before until now and he got me up on the table.

Basically, 2 of my supplements were reacting badly with each other in my body. You cannot predict this, as it’s about my bodies chemistry and ability to interpret the frequencies of the treatments and then putting multiples together can increase the chance of a reaction. My thyroid supplement was going haywire next to my liver supplement. So he had to do some things to my body so that that reaction would not occur. My kidneys are also now struggling. So he created a new tincture to support my kidneys and it tastes just as bad, if not worse than my liver support concoction.

Whilst lying on the table I felt a sense of relief and I felt safe. I knew I was in safe hands with my Dr and whatever was wrong with my body, he would be able to alleviate it. He gave me all different remedies on the spot, through the testing he was doing on me. The more he gave me the better I felt. When I first got up on that table I felt like I was lost, something was wrong with my brain and I was no longer “present.” I just felt toxic, ill and scared. My personality started to return and we started cracking jokes again. Then the toxic feeling passed and I felt calm and ok.

To help calm my body and put it back into some sort of equilibrium, we did music therapy. He explained that sounds have a frequency and certain frequencies have the ability to heal different parts of the body. There is a specific musician who has created healing music by getting the sounds up to specific frequencies. So I had headphones on as he changed the song every few minutes. It was music I had never heard before, but I’d liken it to things you’d hear in a hippie shop, while you’re getting a massage or on hold (so no singing, just instruments). Some of the songs made me feel upbeat and happy, others relaxed, one song I felt like I was going to cry.

That might sound weird, or like a load of crap, but he gave me information to explain it all properly and I’m explaining it in a very basic way, as best as I can remember. I never give the entire picture or description because I simply can’t remember and lack the vocabulary of explaining the correct terminology (because I’m not a doctor lol).

My Dr did a lot of things on me today and said basically the sauna tipped my body over the edge and it just needs a break. It’s doing a lot, he likened it to running a marathon everyday. So all my therapies were cancelled for the rest of the day and I don’t start until 1245pm tomorrow, where I will only do about half of the detox therapies. I don’t get charged per day, I get charged per therapy, so missing out on therapies will not waste my money. I’m really glad they do it that way.

I hope my body picks back up and I come through the end of the week strong!

#lyme #Lyme Disease #lyme treatment #chronic illness #chronic fatigue syndrome #chronic lyme #hansa #hansa center

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growingahuman · 7 years

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I got the best news of my life on the 16th of February, 2017.

It was not completely unsurprising. We suspected things from the start. My partner and I both noticed symptoms here and there. I brushed it off. I’m just unwell, I’m under stress, I’m not coping with work, and so on. The fatigue I wrote off as my normal chronic fatigue, the reflux as just not eating well enough and triggering pre-existing conditions. Really, I felt that there was only a small increase in my normal day to day unwellness that I didn’t really give it serious thought.

When I missed my first period I didn’t really think anything of it. I took three pregnancy tests across the next month, but none of them came back positive. I will admit, it hurt a bit, but I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. Again, I could brush this off as stress and sickness.

For me, the second missed period was unusual. That was what convinced me that surely I was pregnant. That and the vivid dream I had the morning of the 16th of February. My partner was a little easier to convince - he noticed his border collie becoming more and more protective of me, and in particular my stomach, that he was convinced I had to be pregnant.

I was still in the doctors office when I called my partner in tears of happiness. It was so quick. “Are you seated? I’m sorry, I can’t talk, but, it’s positive… The test is positive… I’m pregnant! I’m in the doctors office, I have to keep talking to him, but you had to know…I love you.”

Everything has been a whirlwind since. It’s only just been today that I’ve wrapped my head around the fact I’m pregnant. The last few days have been filled with me wondering how there is anything in there, how I am growing a whole new being in my body. Today was filled mostly with a semi-subconscious fear. Every time I felt okay, I wondered if it is true, and every time I felt some twinge of pain or sickness I was flooded with the fear of the worst.

I can tell that everything from here is going to a roller coaster of emotions, but I look forward to every day of my future ❤ I love you little Sprout.

#pregnant #pregblr #pregnancy #baby1 #9 weeks pregnant #9 weeks 4 days

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tj-the-pan-fander · 5 years

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Take a breath

So Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and was all about taking a break, have some time for yourself and talk to each other.

Well today, I woke up and felt like shite! And anything I’d seen or learnt from yesterday went out the window!

I’m currently being investigated for CFS/ME and I woke up with a migraine, nausea, severe pain in my back/abdomen/feet, a bad case of 💩 and I struggled to walk the 3ft to my bathroom.

Now for most people I assume the obvious choice is to go “I am clearly unwell. I should call in sick and rest”

But it can never be that easy can it!!!

So I ring my mum in the hopes of some motherly safe advise... “you’re sick! Call in sick and go back to bed, you ass!” Thanks Mum 😂

Here is where the anxiety kicks in! Because if I call in sick: Will I get a disciplinary? Will they judge me? Will I lose my job? If I walk in now I’ll be late so I’ll get into more trouble, right? Who am I letting down? What if they don’t believe I’m sick? What if I’m lying?!

Obviously, none of that is true and the answer to most of those is ‘No’. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t floating round my noggin causing more stress which is leading to......

MORE PAIN! 🥳

In spite of this, I rang in and called in sick, let everyone know and now I’m curled in bed cuddling a bowl in case I’m sick, trying to put the TV on so I can rest ☺️

BUT WAIT! There’s more! My neighbours are doing some building work and have brought out an industrial sized PNEUMATIC DRILL! 😫..... explains the migraine!

The point I’m trying (and failing) to make is that I keep seeing people with chronic conditions and disabilities posting that it’s okay to need a break and I encourage others to do this! But I feel like I have to overwork myself to prove myself. And then when I’ve pushed myself to my limit I force myself to carry on instead of stopping to gather my strength. The fact that I can’t even walk 3ft at the moment without crying but I was going to force myself to walk 15 minutes to work and walk around work all day... is either determination, motivational or just plain stupid...

I need to stop seeing taking a break for my own chronic condition as weakness or that I will be punished for it. I physically (let alone mentally) can’t cope, and I shouldn’t be ‘determined’ to push through and force myself past my limits. I’m human and I need to listen to my body... and it’s begging me to stop for just one moment. ☺️

I hope anyone reading this who might be feeling the same as I do can see that you don’t have to force yourself past your boundaries. It’s not motivational to push past your limits until your exhausted, it’s unhealthy. Take a breath and relax 💜

#worldmentalhealthday

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everybodyelsedying · 5 years

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Pigeon’s Pregnancy Meme

deadliestbeauty‌:

Updated 17/12/2017

Basically this is a meme where my muses will be the ones pregnant, with a range of relationships. This meme is not ship-specific and can include platonic and friendship relations!

This meme list came about because I wanted ask meme list for myself to get my muses pregnant and also have a whole variety of reactions and relationships.

Also there are trigger warnings for potential things like rape, abusive relationships and controlling relationships, as well as abortion, stillbirth and infanticide.

Finding Out

“You’re pregnant?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re pregnant.”

“Woah, you look fat- wait. You’re pregnant?!”

“How many months are you?”

“How far gone are you?”

“So… is it a boy or a girl?”

“It’s a girl/boy? Oh, how wonderful~”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

“Pregnant again? You’re such a slut.”

“Do you not realise what birth control is?”

“You’re pregnant? Disgusting.”

“If you’re pregnant, it better be my child.”

“What a slut, you’re pregnant again.”

“You’re pregnant? How wonderful~”

“You’re pregnant? Ugh. Disgusting.”

“You’ll never get rid of me now, this child will make us bonded forever~”

“This child will bring us closer together~”

“I’m so happy~ We’ve created something beautiful.”

“Are you claiming this to just trap me?”

“Are you serious? Why aren’t you happy about this?”

“You’re pregnant. Finally. Now you won’t leave me.”

Multiples

“Twins?! Are you freaking kidding me?”

“Twins? Oh, my god. Two cute babies at the same time!”

“Twins? Oh, you poor, poor soul.”

“Oh, my lord. Triplets?!”

“Uh-oh, triplets? Triple threat right there.”

“You can have more than one baby at a time?”

“You’re pregnant with twins from your first time?”

“Wait, how many babies did you say you were having?”

“You should go on that Octomom show.”

“This is so great~ Your love has given us two/three babies.”

“Slut, you have that many babies in there?”

“You have that many babies in there?!”

“I’m so proud of you, you’re so fertile~”

“I didn’t think my seed was that fertile, but here we go.”

“How are we going to cope with twins/triplets?!”

“Of course, a whore like you just had to have twins.”

Wait, two/three babies at once? That’s possible?”

Unwanted

“I’m not ready for a baby, sorry… ”

“I can’t do this, I never wanted to have a kid with you… ”

“You’re having an abortion?”

“You will be having an abortion!”

“You’re not having an abortion? Why not, it’s not like we can care for a child.”

“Look at our parents -muse name-. We are gonna be shit parents like them!”

“We’re… my parents were terrible and I don’t think I should be a parent.”

“Just give it up for adoption.”

“Don’t give the child up, we can love it.”

“Don’t give the baby up, it’s the thread tying us together.”

“We cannot care for a kid. As soon as it’s born, you will give it up for adoption.”

“I don’t want a child.”

“You’re just a whore, don’t try and trap me with a stinking brat.”

“Get rid of the brat, or I will.”

“Get rid of it! I don’t want any bastards in my house.”

“What do you think you’re doing, keeping it? I told you to get rid.”

“Don’t you dare even think about abortion. That child is mine and I decide what you do with it. Got that?”

“Aren’t you happy? Why do you want to get rid of our child?”

“Why are you happy about this? I don’t want that parasite.”

Excitement

“I will be a good father, I swear to you.”

“I will protect you, and our baby.”

“I’m going to be a father? Wow~”

“We’re gonna have a baby~”

“I will make sure to give them, and you, all the love you desire.”

“I’m gonna be an aunt/uncle!”

“I wanna be the godmother/godfather!”

“Ooo, name them after me!”

“What names have you thought of?”

“As the aunt/uncle/grandmother/grandfather of this kid, I will spoil them if I want to.”

“Aren’t you happy, dearest? You’re having my baby.”

“Aren’t you happy? We’re going to have a bond through this child.”

“I’m so proud of you. You have given me the perfect reason to keep you nearby.”

“You’re the best~ Even though you were unsure, you gave me what I wanted, as always.”

“See? Your pregnancy is a sign- we belong together, no matter how much you protest~”

“I’m going to be a father~ I’m so excited, for us.”

“Our family just keeps getting bigger~ Everyone will be so excited.”

“Our parents are going to be so happy~ They’ll love their grandkid so much, I just know it!”

“Our little one is going to be so excited to be a big brother/sister~”

Parentage

“Who’s the father?”

“Do you even know who the father is?”

“It’s my baby? Wow… ”

“It’s my baby? There’s no way… !”

“It’s my baby? Great~ You can never leave me now.”

“It’s not my baby?”

“It’s my baby?”

“You whore! You got pregnant from an affair?!”

“You… got pregnant? And it’s not mine?”

“You cheated on me… there’s no way it could be my child.”

“It’s okay. I know it wasn’t your fault that you were knocked up by that no-mark.”

“It’s not mine? How could you do this to me?!”

“The baby is not mine? Who else could the father even be?”

“Please don’t lie to me… is it mine?”

“Tell the truth for once! There’s no way I can be that child’s father…”

“I don’t care… I will be the father no matter what.”

“It’s okay, I promise. Even if we don’t share blood, I will care for the little one as if they were my own.”

“Is -insert name here- the father? Tell me the truth, please.”

“Be honest with me, who’s the dad?”

“I know that brat’s dad is -insert muse name here-, so don’t even try to deny it.”

“You cheating whore… why would you have someone else’s kid and not mine?”

Symptoms

“Um, sorry to be blunt, but… I think you’re leaking a little.”

“Hey, cow-tits. You’re leaking a lil’ right there.”

“Ah… dearest, you… you’re kinda… Y’know… -points at breasts- ”

“Don’t resist, dear, but your nipples are so sensitive, I just can’t help it~”

“Stop crying, your boobs can’t ache that much when I touch them.”

“Ahh~ Your boobs are so nice and round, I just want to touch them all day.”

“Ah, you’re leaking… ”

“Can I have a taste of your milk? Please?”

“It’s not weird! Just let me taste your milk.”

“How can you eat that? I know cravings are weird, but damn… ”

“Woah. I can’t believe you are eating that.”

“You know you’re never gonna lose that baby weight if you eat all that.”

“You want to eat that? Okay~”

“You want to eat that? Hold on, then, let me go make it.”

“You are disgusting and there is no way I’m letting you eat that when you’re having my child.”

“Are you okay? I heard you throwing up… ”

“Aww, are you sick again? Poor mama.”

“Here, it’s okay, let me hold back your hair.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Just rest today if you’re feeling unwell.”

“You want some peppermint/ginger tea?”

“Woah there, friend, just calm yourself.”

“Damn, you’re moodswings are horrific.”

“Why do you have to get emotional at everything?!”

“You forgot again? Jeez, your baby brain is such a drag.”

“You forgot again? Oh, no, don’t worry. Baby brain must be so annoying for you.”

“Why are you yelling at me? I’m not the one with baby brain and forgot everything.”

“You want me to rub your back/ankles/belly?”

“Stop trying to push me away. Let me touch your tummy.”

Concerns

“This cannot be happening! You’re way too young.”

“Babies having babies? What is the world coming to?”

“You’re pregnant? But I still imagine you as the little one who cried at -insert film name here-!”

“Um, aren’t you a little old/young for having kids?”

“Being pregnant at your age will throw up all kinds of problems.”

“Dear, you should rest more, for the baby’s sake.”

“Put that glass down! You’re pregnant.”

“Put that out! Smoking is bad for the child!”

“Please, try to eat a little healthier, for your baby’s sake.”

“Darling, I know cravings are hell, but you can’t eat that.”

“Pickles are not a good breakfast.”

“Hey! Be careful, okay?”

“But, if you have another baby, what will happen to me?”

“What if I’m not good enough?”

“What if our child is born unwell?”

“What happens if our baby… y’know… isn’t born living?”

“No, no, don’t stress yourself. Think of the baby!”

“Please, just try and think of the baby.”

“Dearest, stop trying to do things to hurt the child.”

“I’ve taken all the dangerous objects out of the house, so you can’t try to hurt yourself or the baby again.”

“Why are you doing this?! It is our child, stop being selfish!”

“If you try and hurt yourself or our baby again, I’ll have to tie you up.”

“Don’t you dare try to harm our child.”

“If you’ve lost our child because of your stupidity, I am going to be very angry.”

Pregnancy Buddies

“We should go to this class together.”

“Oh my god, you’re pregnant too?”

“What if we have our babies at the same time?”

“Our babies could be like besties!”

“What if our babies become best friends? Wouldn’t that be so adorable?”

“Aw, your tummy is so big now.”

“You look so fabulous today, you’re glowing, like some earthy fertility god/ess~”

“Thanks for helping me out at the maternity section. You’re so fashionable, even when you’re pregnant~”

“Hey, I found out my baby is a boy/girl. Do you want the babygrows I bought?”

“Aw man, I found out my child will be a girl/boy. Do you want these blankets/toys I bought?”

“Hey, share some of that with me?”

“Pregnancy buddies? Good idea~”

“Let’s compare stretchmarks~”

“Oh my god, that happens to you too? I thought I was the only one!”

“I am so glad you understand what I’m going through.”

Later Pregnancy

“Your boobs are so huge.”

“Your boobs are quite nice, but I bet bras are so expensive for you right now.”

“Stop squirming, I just want to feel your boobs/tummy.”

“Are you ticklish? Just let me touch~”

“Was that a kick?”

“You felt them kicking? Can… can I feel?”

“You felt them kicking?! Gross… ”

“You can feel them moving? That’s so weird.”

“You can feel them moving? That’s so cool~”

“Your belly is so round!”

“Ah, how cute~ Your boobs/belly are so sensitive now, huh?”

“Oh wow, you’re like a goddess of motherhood.”

“Haha, you look like a whale.”

“You’re bearing life, you look beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful, all round with my child/ren~”

“You don’t look like a whale, or a pig. You’re absolutely beautiful.”

“They like the sound of my voice?”

“Wait, they react to the sound of my voice? For real?”

“You must be due any day.”

“Due any moment now, huh?”

“I can’t wait to finally see him/her/them~”

“Can I touch your belly?”

Labour

“Oh, dear. You do realise it’s going to hurt when you go into labour.”

“Did you pee yourself? What? Your waters are breaking?”

“Your waters broke? Oh, my god.”

“We need to get you to a hospital.”

“You’re going into labour? Shit! What do I do?!”

“You’re going into labour. Right, just come here and lay down, it’ll be fine.”

“Fuck! Ow… I think you just broke my hand… ”

“Dear, could… could you loosen your grip a little… ”

“I didn’t think you could scream that loud… ”

“I think my ears are bleeding… ”

“I’m sorry, okay! Please stop cursing me out for knocking you up… ”

“Please stop yelling at me… I’m sorry for making you go through this.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re doing so well~”

“Oh, jeez. What do I do?! I’m not a midwife!”

“Right, just calm down, okay? It’ll only hurt for a bit.”

“Look on the bright side, at least after this you’ll get to meet your child.”

“Don’t worry~ I can help you, just relax.”

“What do you mean the baby’s coming now?”

“The baby is coming now?! It’s too early… ”

“Finally. They sure took their time deciding to be born, huh?”

“Oh, god. Stay with me, don’t pass out!”

“It’s okay. Just breathe… and push.”

“Keep going! You’re almost done.”

“I can see the head.”

“Oh, gross… I should have stayed in the waiting room… ”

“You’re doing so well~ Just a few more pushes.”

“Breathe. It’s going to be okay, the child will be okay.”

“Just take deep breathes… it’s gonna be okay.”

“Ahh, our baby is coming~”

Birth

“Oh my god, he/she is so cute!”

“They’re finally here… ”

“H-hey… stay awake, please. Your child needs you.”

“Are you alright? The baby’s here.”

“Our child is here, love.”

“I’m so proud of you, you delivered our child.”

“You look like hell.”

“Here, you need to give him/her the first milk.”

“You should rest, it’s over now. Our baby is here, they’re safe.”

“Good girl/boy, our child is so cute.”

“Ew, why is it so… pink?”

“Oh. My. God. Look at his/her little toes.”

“She/he has some lungs on her/him.”

“Are babies supposed to be that pink?”

“Babies are actually… kinda ugly, aren’t they?”

“He/She kinda looks like a little alien… ”

“Do all babies look like this when they’re just born?”

“Oh god, oh god, no… what’s happening?”

“D-don’t panic, but… the baby’s not doing so well.”

“Don’t look, it’ll be okay. He/She will be okay, I swear.”

“I’m so sorry, love… he/she didn’t make it.”

“It’s all your fault. You didn’t care for our baby and now they’re gone.”

“He/She is dead. How can this happen?”

“Shhh, shh. It wasn’t your fault.”

“These things just happen. I don’t blame you.”

“It’s not your fault, please don’t blame yourself… ”

“This was all your fault. You didn’t take good enough care and now our child is dead.”

#reposting so i can add the cut #original post link is dead

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pleasama · 5 years

Text

so still haven’t activated my socials for a month or so or whatever and don’t plan to. except that I got Snapchat back today not that I have many friends on there.

a friendship I’ve had for the past year came to a final head today when he starting insulting me, trying to make me feel little for no reason.

it’s a theme of my life “ where do u meet these people “ hey I’m just earnest and people disappoint *shrugs*

when they’re not family it’s easy to swipe people who continuously hurt your feelings. sorry. I’d rather be alone.

so now I’m suuuper back to square one, no friends Nigel. but that is okay! animals and plants are my friends. nice people I come across for half a second. the people i read about and that are in the creations and shows that I watch. the stars. they are so bright tonight.

I tried to speak to my late uncle Peter, my grandma, Aunty Mary, my nan. my friend Scott, my grandpa I never met.

my friend Scott was a security guard at the building I worked at. his sister was in the MH17 plane. he died tragically this year, he was only in his 40s.

he escorted me while I was being stalked and harassed by another employee and the extent he went to to make me feel safe. he’d go to the Philipines every year to give money away. those people are one of a kind and portray the sort of generosity and kindness you never can forget.

I’m feeling very alone in that everyone seems so nasty at heart and I really don’t fucking get what happened

I swear a couple of years ago I was surrounded by kind hearted souls

now apathetic soulless robots is all I see

just like in this book I am reading

I feel sick (unwell, abnormal, wrong) and am made to feel so but really they are sick ones.

I will never stop listening to the people in my life and I will never shun them for feeling.

a big fuck you to all of the resistance I’ve experienced but also a big thank you because maybe it’s making me into the stronger person I need to be to live as me in this lifetime.

I feel bigger than all of this

maybe I needed this to get a bit of grit about me. to be able to put a man in his place when he’s disrespecting my being.

to stand tall and not hide my boobs or be afraid to be mocked or be embarasssed about my clothes or any flaw or past mistakes showing up on my face or it being left on my jumper for Ron - how could it be - that is not logical Marie - see I’ve given people too much power in the past, too much credit, sure it’s nice to observe and take a back seat, admire, take note.

but it’s impossible for me to slide into the back and not feel invisible. I’m not that person.

I wAS that person. I was the girl up the front or the back or whoever the fuck as long as I had a window seat to look at and listen to my music and let tears fall down my face while hiding.

the girl avoiding all the people and going home early and hoping not to bump into anyone. years in bed. avoid avoid avoid avoid. I have so much joy and longing for connection to be crushed by my low self esteem.

I beg and plead to someone to sit down and talk to me. but it seems people have forgotten how to do that!

cunts fucked. fuck you. and you. for not fucking being there when that’s all I need.

no I don’t want money no I don’t want to get out of the house. I want you to have a fucking conversation with me about how painful this fucking life is that you made me live and as a parent even though I am nearly 30, don’t you feel any responsibility to help me with mental life holy fucking shit. I don’t want anything but your time and consideration. I want to talk to you. but you’d rather watch the golf or come dine with me or drink wine or bet on the horses

i am being super ungrateful

this whole year I have been suffering mentally

I have not been able to earn an income because of it

and I’ve lost my ability to cope and communicate with friends and have a life

so now I’m bordering 29 years old (I know I’m not the first) battling my parents when I’m just trying to make life peaceful for them

they seem to have a problem every day or be stressed or angry or frustrated about something

tired or drunk

back to reading this book which is too intense for my family because it’s about the holocaust.

Dad calls us all wooses over fair enough things, gargling salted water up your nose every day - no thank you and yet be can’t talk about animals while eating meat and can’t finish a book about grim shit that other people had to experience.

I’m just fucking sick of it all, the hypocrisy, the angry faces, the stress, all just to do with going to dinner at the local Thai restaurant. holy fuck let’s make a nice event stressful. what’s wrong with you fucks.

don’t feel! but be stressed! is the message my parents send.

fuCK. you.