#I can't even pretend right now

[aberooski]

If I take a second to breathe and think and 3 seconds into it someone calls me over the radio to come clean something they could do themselves again I'm going to actually scream

#like god I knkw I'm the only usher here rn cuz im the opening usher on saturdays but FUCK #give me a second tk fucking BREATHE #I HATE when I'm doing something and one of the managers calls and is like actually can you stop what you're doing even though what you're- #-doing is more important and come sweep up this like 3 cernal popcorn spill literally right next to us that we could get ourselves but won' #I hate this job so much I want to quit so bad #somebody else hire me right now so I can leave this shithole #and also have a real job that pays mlre than 10 bucks and hour so I can actually pretend to be a semi functional adult #I can't even pretend right now #I've been stuck in limbo for the last 2 years at least and I really don't know how I'll ever get out #I probably won't let's be honest because I wasn’t born into a world where that's possible anymore #and my mental health has only been slowly but surely deteriorating for even longer than that but it's really crashed and burned lately #but i'm trying #and I honestly don't want to try anymore #I'm so tired

[bas-writes]

y'know, it genuinely breaks my heart when i see how some writers treat their readers - and i think we, as a fanfiction community, don't talk enough about it

barking orders at readers, treating reblogs and feedback as some kind of currency they are obligated to pay for interacting with our work, having meltdowns because a text didn't do as well as suspected, calling people out for not requesting in the right and correct way™ - i see it around way too often

on our way to remind everyone that writers are people, not content spitting machines, we forget too easily that readers also are people, not tools to stroke our ego or a source of free and easy serotonin

#it's been at the back of my head for three days now because of what i saw on my tl #from a person whom i overall like and respect as a creator #maybe it's because it doesn't want to leave me alone #ain't saying i am perfect; my tongue is way too sharp and fast for me to play some kind of a moral figure #but i can't pretend i am okay with this kind of behavior happening in front of my eyes #nor with how many people find it okay or even the right way to behave #bas mumbles

[nateriverswife]

google how do you delete your tumblr account without actually deleting your tumblr account

#I just want to hide it from everyone #even my moots #but I don't want to lose my account #because I wrote some stuff that I want to mantain #and maybe I'll change my mind and get back to this fandom #because as of right now #I've seen so many takes that are so popular that I just cannot wrap my head around them #like do y'all actually believe that... did we see the same show? #some people should really stop try to compensate ohba's poor writing with the most absurd takes ever and pretend they are canon #I feel like I can't even talk about some things because the fandom sees them in black and white #you know there are other shades....... #I'm really getting back to my teenager self #she too felt drained by the fandom #this is not targeted to anyone specifically #it's just a general feeling #because I left my circle made of some moots that understand me #I'm sorry for whoever sent me asks (E.H. specifically) - don't know when I'll enthusiastically come back #also I seem whining about different opinions but it's not just that #there are other stuff about this fandom that I noticed that I just cannot stand lmao #won't get into it

[em0-opossum]

sick of people acting like being alone/lonely = being single. ofc you're allowed to feel like that, I'm aro and could not care less that I don't have a partner so I have no idea what it feels like to have that experience, but god just once I'd like to find poetry and art made by people who know how it feels to have no friends and feel lonely no matter how many people are around you and know that you don't belong no matter where you are

#I'm lucky enough to have two good friends right now who i love very much #but that doesn't mean that they understand how i feel or how i have felt #and knowing you're alone in that overbearing loneliness just alienates you more and further perpetuates the feeling #i still miss out on so many opportunities to be friends with people i genuinely want to be friends with so bad because i can't talk to them #i still get so paranoid sometimes and stop replying to anyone because I'm convinced they hate me and there's something wrong with me #sometimes to the point where i avoid teachers who i need to talk to because i am sure that everything i say will be wrong #even someone being nice can feel awful because i think that they just feel bad or are pretending and actually trying to make fun of me #i know nobody actually knows who i am or how i feel because i hide everything to fit in with people and what they need/want #i have never felt like i belong anywhere and trying to explain that to people is so hard #there are times i love being alone but knowing that I've missed out on every regular human experience is so isolating #i just want to be normal and have friends i love and hang out with and talk to and not feel like every word i say could be the end of me #and when i try to find anybody who relates all i get is “oh im alone again :(( being single is awful” #i really do empathize with those people but it is nothing like my experience of loneliness #(tags are just for finding people who relate) #social anxiety #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #actuallyavpd #loneliness #chronic loneliness

[sonego]

not the news calling PALESTINIANS the invasors. fuck you fuck you fuck you

#RAGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #decades of violent unrelented repression ethnic cleansing settler colonialism war crimes human rights violations #but palestine fights back and now THEY're the invasors. lol okay! funny how that works! #i feel so much anger at the way the world treats palestinian people #the same fucking people who support u/kraine and denounce r/ussia turn around and #call ISRAELIS the rightful owners of a land THAT WAS NEVERRRRRRR THEIRS!!!!!!! #fucking go to hell #oh i WILL be wearing my palestinian necklace i bought from a palestinian shop a few months ago EVEN MORE OFTEN #i will loudly and proudly support palestine until it will be free and i hope after - i hope i get to see the day they're free #it's truly insane to see the news talk about hundreds of israeli deaths when they NEVER report ANY of the COUNTLESS deaths tortures #imprisonment forced fleeing etc etc that israel have caused in palestine over DECADES. DECADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #of fucking course palestinians fight back. of fucking COURSE. they've TRIED peacefully getting the rest of the world's attention so they #could get HELP. what has the west done? given israel weapons and money to spend on killing palestinians #palestinians have TRIED peace. israel didn't listen. israel never intend to be peaceful. bc they're a settler colonial power. bc they do no #care about the lives of palestinians they do not care about peace #if they did. they wouldn't try to completely eradicate the palestinian people. you can't pretend you want peace and at the same time force #yourself on a peaceful people's land and use some of the most brutal cruel forces to do that too #i wish people would READ. LISTEN. GET INFORMED. bc palestine needs help. but people keep staying convinced THEY are the enemy #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #and until then LET'S HELP THEM FIGHT BACK!!!!! #so we can GET THERE

[rawliverandgoronspice]

yeah, I just feel really really numb.

#thoughts #trying to not overspill on here #but the current world events are truly sending me down the mental health gutter right now #it's not even like I didn't know what kind of nightmare world order we live in but #yeah can't focus on anything #I'm really physically isolated too and cannot leave my house for the whole week #so I genuinely cannot do anything beyond giving donations that are kept from reaching destination #and pretend everything is fine and dandy at work as if I had it in me to care about videogames at the moment #while my government reveals once again how much a fascist conglomerate of US-bootlickers white supremacist pieces of shit they really are #sorry it's normally not the tone here but I just... it's so disheartening #witnessing utterly inhumane violence branded as righteous and inevitable #and I know it's in moments like these that it's vital not to give up on people and to band together and believe in democracy etc etc #but god are we being tested right now #and I'm not even... affected like I'm not someone who might get directly hurt as a result of all this #but even this unearned privilege feels rancid and rotten and so fucking wrong #I don't understand how so many people can just... go on with their day as this is happening #as everybody's place in the system is being cemented and enforced by all manners of violence #I mean I do understand helplessness is a thing we truly cannot do much individually especially when your country banned protests #but yeah #might delete later

[awkward-teabag]

Can't even mention that a store near me is clearly using abusing the TFW program because they refuse to pay little more than minimum wage in a high cost of living area (also you won't get benefits and you'll only be part-time) because the fascists and right-wingers will jump in to say it's about immigration and white replacement.

No, it's because rich white people want to hoard even more money and found an intentional loophole to both make more money (via paying employees less) and also have more power over employees, employees who may or may not know Canadian employment laws (or safety laws) and even if they do, don't have the ability or support to try to hold the company accountable.

You can absolutely criticize the federal government for keeping the loophole open but it predates Trudeau by decades and it was Harper who both expanded the program and added a way for companies to fast-track TFWs. It was also under Harper that companies started firing Canadians (or not hiring them) and then requesting permission to mass-hire TFWs instead.

But the way the right wing talks, you would think Trudeau started this whole thing and the poor multi-million and multi-billion dollar companies are being taken advantage of. Also that housing prices, lack of new developments, and zoning issues started with Trudeau and are the fault of mass-immigration he has a boner for instead of being an issue for decades and experts warning this would happen if governments didn't act ASAP.

Instead the neolibs and cons kept cutting back and kicking that can down the road, a can that started being kicked by Mulroney and the Conservative Party.

#as a 90s kid i grew up with warnings about healthcare and housing and how we needed mass immigration or a massive baby boom #because of the utter lack of federal support and an aging workforce #the systems were already being strained to their limits and there literally weren't enough millennials to replace retiring workers #*or* bring in enough taxes to fund said systems when the system needed it the most #not even increase funding just keeping the same funding that was already not enough #also the right conveniently ignores (or doesn't know about) the extremely predatory recruitment industry #that targets people overseas while lying and charging large amounts of money to bring tfws to canada #you could even blame chretien for expanding it to include 'low-skilled' workers which is what companies are abusing it for #hell even trudeau sr for creating it in the first place even though it was originally made for high-skilled or niche jobs #but no the blame is always trudeau jr with a ton of racism and brownnosing capitalists #because all these problems sprang up suddenly under him #and in no way did harper start/expand/not end/be complicit in any of this /s #though i guess for some of the fascists it seems that way 'cause they weren't personally affected by it until now #and companies have stopped trying to pretend they aren't grabbing as much money as possible because fuck anyone else #even though it's been like that for decades and capitalism itself encourages companies to skim money off the top #while not having the checks and balances to limit just how much #for that you need governments to regulate things and that doesn't work when you have leaders who are anti-regulation #and who believe in trickle down economics #just... the whole thing is not happening in a bubble and involves multiple people and both the neolibs and cons #because it's been building for decades #but you can't bloody say that because the moment you mention housing/jobs/healthcare and/or tfws #you get inundated by fascists who think you're one of them and hit you with some of the most unhinged shit #or who don't even care about you and just want someone to rant at about how it's the evil left's fault for everything #hell you can't even say you don't like trudeau because same thing: fascists think you're one of them or someone to bring into the cult

[omarfor-orchestra]

FUCK

#i wanna scream in a forest #this is gonna be a rant post. just so you know. #last month i went out with a girl i met in the summer theatre course #we stayed outside wandering the city for hours #we talked about our lifes (jesus Christ we were getting to know each other? what else should we have talked about?) #she stopped texting me after that #(she had told me she had a great time. she thanked me for sharing my story) #i texted her today and told me how bad she actually felt after our meeting and that i am too negative for her #because we didn't joke or laugh #i do remember joking and laughing btw #and i get that we can't be liked by everyone but it was the first time in YEARS that i actually opened up to someone #and boy I'm so not taking this well #i was finally feeling good enough but now? now??? #I'm trying not to take this too personal because she said 'i'm too sensitive for you' so this might be a problem of hers #even because. you know. it's not like my story is that bad. i just told her about m #my father and what's going on in my family right now which is just annoying yk? not traumatizing #but also. how is it that when i show my true self to someone no one seems to really like it? #do i have to keep pretending I'm someone else? now that i finally know who i am? #i did say I'm an ugly person didn't I #i was already stressed out about uni starting tomorrow #and now this #it will never get better will it #i will always be this messed up thing no one wants to deal with right? #fuck #i was trying to go to therapy less frequently but I definitely need it this week

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#argentina saw trump and went ''yeah we want one of those!''... #this absolutely insane man might become president and fully ruin the country (more than it already is) #which is never fun but even worse when you're queer... #today i'm glad i'm living with dysphoria every day but haven't started T #because as sad and absolutely awful as what i'm about to say is... #i can pretend to be a cis woman for safety... #which is a HORRIBLE thing to say or do #but i don't have to put myself out there trying to get hrt or anything like that #or legally change my name and gender mark while looking like i look... that might get me killed or something #bare in mind everything i'm saying A. hasn't happened yet #and B. is being said by someone with an anxiety disorder who can't see hope right now... so take it with a grain of salt #i'm just scared and i don't like the state of the world right now... #and we were somewhat safe in some aspects here and we're so close to losing them now #i'm scared and hate it here but i'm also broke and can't leave so... #we are where we are where we are i guess #angel talks #personal #sorry for the politics... i'm not going to start posting politics #the point of my blog is to escape the hell that is the real world... but i needed to vent and also you know me i love screaming at the void

[butchboromir]

my one thing about. so i AM going to office hours because i DO need the help but i am literally so stressed i am liable to burst into tears

#and i mean he's seen me when i was really manic and out of it but also i was manic and thus kind of able to mask it #whereas i'm so stressed right now i can't even pretend to be normal. i spent my hour and 15 min of german class #1000 yard autism death staring

[prehistoric-rat]

in finland our biggest pride event canceled their partnership with our biggest political party because the party hadn't voted in agreement about our new trans law (to allow self-ID and remove requirement of being sterile (yeah really)) (the party had ruled it a “matter of conscience” and abt 1/3 voted against), and now our news are full of the members of that party being pissed abt it and our likely next prime minister commenting how this is “sad and offends many people”, and ppl are flocking to lament and mock how pride is so intolerable and how u have to have 100% correct opinions in order to participate and i'm

#rat.pov #i KNOW cis ppl who don't care really don't care and can't even pretend to care but somehow it still shocks me how unbelievable this shit is #they're literally like #''OH SO WE AS A PARTY HAD TO BE unanimously against forced sterilisation to be welcomed to your lil gay festival?? you ungrateful shits'' #NBSFBEJFBEHJBHRNJETNJRMGNRGRGNERM #THEY DON'T EVEN GET THE ABSURDITY OF WHAT THEY'RE SAYING #some MPs of the party have literally said they won't now attend pride because of this #ok that's cool really don't care except that #yes we know you really Really REALLY don't care abt human rights but could you at least think of a less ridiculous way to announce it #can you imagine your members voting against our human rights might also have offended some people CAN YOU IMAGINE H BHBHRH #(they can't bc ppls brain are full of ''this is not an issue that touches normal real life people'' and ''your everyday person doesn't #even understand trans issues''. if only trans people were real everyday people :/) #also the future prime minister just said ''this is very sad and it does feel like a political move instead of an appropriate one'' #??????????????????? i'm at a loss #what the fuck do you even mean. #how. HOW do you expect politics to not be political what the. fUCK is wrong with you grow a GODDAMN BRAIN? #and ppl in general like ''oh so pride is full on political now'' #I'M BEGGING YOU.WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WHAT HAS IT EVER BEEN EXCEPT POLITICAL #i know people think it's a funny gay carnival just to piss off straights and conservative christians but I WISH I COULD LAUGH. #it would be funny if it was #. #sorry to rant on side but i had to scream into a void somewhere

[terryfuckingturniptruck]

Everything is so hard right now.

#it's like no one is seeing i'm broken #and i just can't handle much right now #it was already hard enough to just work 40 hours this week and pretend I was okay #it feels like my whole world is crumbling around me and I just have to pretend everything is fine and carry on as usual #I feel really alone and like I have to be stronger than I can be right now #people don't realize how hard loss is unless it has happened to them #and even still how many people in their early 30s have lost both parents? #how could I expect anyone to really understand that I have no family no safety net no place to go if life goes to shit #i just need rest and someone to treat me gently #i hate that i need comfort but yeah #kfi txt #tw parent death

[running-in-the-dark]

I think tomorrow I'm gonna make a countdown of how many days are left until we'll move into our apartment

I feel like a whiny child except I'm not even missing my parents or anything like that, no I'm just missing my things and the environment I'm used to and being a able to walk around without being (quite this) anxious (I'm always anxious about that but it's much worse here)

(and it's really mostly my things. all my things in their place where they belong, the way it should be, everything right where I put it)

I just want to leave. I hate being here (at my husband's parents' house). I hate it. already had my first bad interaction with my mother-in-law today and. I can't handle it.

I don't tolerate being told what to do well (like. about things that are my own business. in this case it was about a health issue). I didn't even let my own mother do that when I was a literal child - but at least I could get mad at her. now with my mother-in-law? I just have to smile and nod and feel like I'm dying until she finally leaves.

#I just.. don't want to have any kind of relationship with these people once we move #I can't stand them #they're so cold and emotionless and controlling #I guess it makes sense that they never stopped giving their kids orders when their kids just keep tolerating that #but fuck I am not built like that #I can't do it #and the whole time I know I'm lying and pretending and that makes it even worse #I just want to be alone #I just want to be my own weird fucked up not normal self with no one around to tell me that's not ok #about to fall asleep so of course the bad thoughts are coming out now :') #I know I have no right to complain and I'm an ungrateful bitch but. I just. feel. bad. #anyway thinking about Eliot and/or Jenkins and/or Jake and/or Dan will fix me I'm sure. just gotta try harder. #that's four characters played by two guys in three different decades. the logistics are getting complicated #but somehow they all exist in the same place at the same time and it makes sense and - #personal

[mikrotyalm13]

#something changed. and im still here. #but let's pretend that i'm not #so here's some tea... tea my tea... #always makes me go happy happy happy......... #tea time #i love harvesting wild rosehip:( it's so fun i wanna do it again next summer #also makes me sad bc i did it with my auntie #but she got a really bad health scare back in november #thought we would lost her. but she's in recovery from her surgery right now #still makes me cry just thinking about it. i can't even talk to anyone about it #i will never forget the fear in my grandmas eyes #when my dad came up to her with tears in his eyes and silently hugged her #she thought her daughter was gone. and i was just standing there. tipsy #later grandma said to my dad #please. just don't drink too much #and i just. something in me broke. #fucking hate novembers

[snoos-tattoos]

Fuck it if I'm already seungwooposting, I might as well post this gif I made 💀💀💀

#I'm tired of fighting him #BUT DON'T EVEN THINK THAT I'LL SURRENDER THAT EASILY #ult-wrecking mujin is one thing #but i will NOT let him ult-wreck Seungyoun too #this will be my last seungwoo post for the rest of the month #I'll just pretend he isn't working on an album right now #my ult list is slowly disintegrating💀💀💀 #i can't afford to watch any seungwoo content #when he has his comeback i just won't watch it #nemesis no.1 #tapioca eyes #han seungwoo #victon seungwoo #x1 seungwoo

[yohankang]

i fucked up majorly at work today and i will have to deal with it tomorrow so i'm going crazy rn

#the worst part is i know i will cry at work and it will be the most pathetic thing ever. like i can barely think abt it without crying rn #just kill me #i hate this job and i'm so bad at it but i can't quit so i'm just trying to survive until the weekend. every week #i'm giving myself 2 years and if it doesn't drastically change during this time then i will be able to quit #i'll be done with uni and my contract will be over and they technically promised me they will move me to another department #so either they'll do it or i'll quit #on the other hand they want me to be creative and passionate about this job and to improve etc. to move somewhere #but i'm barely staying afloat #at this point i would be relieved if they just fired me but a) they won't bc one of the higher ups got me this job #b) i wouldn't be able to afford rent and uni even for 1 month without a job so i wouldn't be relieved for a long time lmao #godddd idk. miracles happen right. maybe i'll find a perfect job in a year. or 2. #anyway i'm going to watch some anime now and pretend like i'm not going through major depressive episode rn #k.txt