#I have been feeling really productive lately

[softpine]

can i just word vomit for a min...

there was a point in late 2023 where i felt like i overstayed my welcome on simblr and i planned on just wrapping frozen pines up as quickly as possible and moving on. continuing to write when it's clear that the audience for it is dwindling felt so embarrassing that i almost didn't even want to put effort into it anymore, because i was afraid it just looked pathetic (obligatory disclaimer: no one made me feel this way, you're all so lovely, it's just the nature of seeing a community change over 7 years). writing already feels very personal to me and it's becoming increasingly harder for me to put my work out there (again, for reasons unrelated to simblr and entirely related to mental illness 🤙🏻). i know my story is so long that it deters new readers, and so sporadic that it makes old readers drop off with time. this has really been bothering me lately because i don't know what i can do to fix it. i don't think there IS anything i can do.

but. okay. don't make fun of me for saying this. dan and phil returning to youtube kinda changed my mindset? they may be pulling a fraction of the views they got in their peak, but they're happier than they've ever been and they're working on things they actually want to do, not things they think will be particularly popular. seeing that has made me realize that it is possible to keep finding joy in a community that has largely moved on without you. obviously my little blog is nowhere near the same scale, so this feels kind of silly, but i've been thinking about all the things i used to do on simblr that were never fun for me, i mainly did them because i knew they would get notes or because i felt like i had to do it. making cc, lookbooks, sim requests, reshade help (oh my god the reshade help), lot downloads, etc. they DID get notes, but i can't imagine spending my time doing any of that stuff ever again tbh.

on top of that, it makes me sad to scroll through my dash and realize that i don't recognize most of the people i see anymore. i still talk to some wonderful people here who i consider friends and that's invaluable to me (💖), but the broader community aspect is something i no longer feel a part of. and believe me, i know i'm at fault here because it's not like i'm going out of my way to talk to new people or participate in trends like i used to. i don't blame anyone except the passage of time!!

frozen pines, and simblr by extension, played such a gigantic part in my life when i needed it the most. and that's not to say that i don't still care about it, because i absolutely do, but it's a different kind of feeling. i've always promised that i would give frozen pines a satisfying conclusion rather than silently abandoning it someday, and though i do intend to keep that promise, i know it's possible that i might never get there. but i don't want to let my own insecurities get in the way of something i really enjoy doing. writing is an intrinsic piece of me that i'll never quit doing, but sharing my writing on tumblr is something that can't (and shouldn't) last forever. i know that. but i'm going to enjoy it to the fullest while we're all still here together 💞

to anyone who's still reading my silly story after all these years (especially those of you who still check in on my blog even though you're not on simblr anymore): thank you thank you thank you THANK YOUUU. you don't have to change a single thing about what you're doing. this is not me fishing for compliments or putting down an ultimatum, this is just me trying to make sense of my feelings.

but with all this being said, i've decided to quit simblr and start my own exclusive streaming service for $60 a year, i hope you'll all support me as i increase my production value 😌

(just kidding. ily. okay that's all)

#to be 100% clear this is not a goodbye - i'm literally halfway done with the next story post #just sort of an update on the state of my brain #👍🏻 #btw...... sorry to Watcher fans lmaoo you guys really got the short end of the parasocial relationship stick..... </3 #that's not relevant to anything i've said here i've just spent way too much time thinking about how youtube has changed in the past 20 year #because i'm a loser that got really into youtube when i was 11 and never looked back #and then the watcher thing happened. and i was like ohhh if dan and phil did that to me i would have to die about it.

[daffythefox]

AND I WANT TO KNOW MY FATE

IF I KEEP UP THIS WAY

AND IT'S HARD TO WANT TO STAY

AWAKE

#death cab for cutie #bixby canyon bridge #tw caps #caps tw #ugh #the song is just so poignant #i got back from vacation and I've gotta start packing to move into my new apartment saturday #god i just wanna talk to The Man I'm Mentally Ill About #I also on the car ride back home found out i have a grey hair?? #I'm 19 btw. #wtf?? how? #I have been feeling really productive lately #so there is that! #but I'm also anxious abt finding a solid reliable way to make an income as a disabled person #having a disability (multiple) fucking sucks! #weather update #me when i #me? putting edgy lyrics on my tumblr vent blog? no. never.

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.” #and that made sense to me i think. #but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing. #and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much. #and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology. #i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now. #and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be?? #i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe. #will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore?? #maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know. #i don't know what it'll mean for me. #but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed. #because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people. #peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing. #there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing. #it's a product of all of his things. #just like me! just like everyone. #so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways. #a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be. #i don't think it's something that can be simplified. #sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags. #i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual. #sci speaks

[scholarofgolb]

one thing low self esteem will do to you is that it will convince you that no one could possibly value their relationship with you or even on a lighter level like. thinking people don't care about anything you say and that your words don't have impact on people. and what that leads to is you being completely unaware when you hurt other peoples feelings and being unable to consider how something you view as innocuous or funny could be hurtful and mean to someone else. like even if you have a hard time understanding that you have value as a person you have to understand that you have a lot of control of the way you effect other people and no one is intrinsically aware of what is going on in your head. you've got to care about other people and think about what's going on for them and yes empathy is hard but empathy can be learned. and sometimes u gotta figure it out and teach it to yourself.

#big thing for me in my late teens was realizing all of this #it was like probably the most valuable thing i took out of adolescence #which i thought because i had social anxiety and was so concerned about other people hating me that i couldn't possibly be low empathy #but i was! and i had to deal with it! #stop asking other people 'are you mad at me' and start asking yourself 'how might they have interpreted that? could that have been hurtful? #and youll realize that it might have been! and thats the most horrible gut wrenching feeling ever #but there's this wonderful thing called apologizing and explaining yourself and reminding people that you love + value them #and if ur me that means sometimes youll apologize for something and ur friend will be like 'i dont even know what ur talking about LOL' #but it also means sometimes your friend will feel welcome to have productive conversations about how you make eachother feel #and thats really what helps form lasting relationships tbh

[caffeinatedopossum]

I was born to sleep under the stars and sing by the fire with my loved ones and admire fireflies and breathe in deep the scent of ozone during a rain but instead I can't even leave my house and fireflies are going extinct and rain doesn't smell good anymore and you can't see the stars and it's too hot for fires

#etc etc #sorry really feeling the clinate doom lately #good things still exist im just depressed #and the barriers that have systemically been put in place so that i cant get things i need to feel better only make me feel worse #they make me feel angry but i have no faces to put behind the names of entire government agencies and multi billion dollar companies #i dont know who to blame and i cant blame them productively even if i did because justice is something that can be bought #and im broke. and theyre billionaires

[last-flight-of-fancy]

hey, hey, quick internet fandom ettiquete lesson; X has two hands jokes only vibe if you are talking to someone who is ALSO already talking about how X has two hands. Okay? Okay. It is in fact very rude to go onto other people’s posts where only one set of hands is involved to evangalise about two hands. When seeing ship art/fic of only half your ot3, it is proper ettiquete to simply enjoy the art/fic as it is, and if so inspired create/commission/seek out the ot3 content of your choice. This has been your quick internet fandom lesson, thank you for your time.

#this is one of those things that has been cropping up a lot lately and it's. not cool. don't do this okay? #bc no one likes being evangelised at; for any reason #i know its probably just because you love your ot3 and i 100% feel that. i have many an ot3 i adore #but to the person who reads your comment on the thing they put hard work and love into it just reads as- #-'the product of your hard work and love is WRONG you should fix it to MY PERSONAL STANDARDS' #you are not better than the singular otp sides of things and its *certainly* not a solution to ship wars #the ot3 is going to have a different dynamic than either side of the individual otps and thats simply not going to vibe with everyone #and thats okay! #long story short: enjoy your ot3. love it! and let others enjoy their otps in peace. tell them you like their art if you want! #just dont go on to say what you think is missing that the creator clearly never intended #stop talking to yourself flight #ngl this is like. at least half the reason i've kinda been shuffling away from srk #kh3 convinced me sr was endgame but i could have happily kept on shipping an ot3 without canon. i dont need canons permission to ship #but wow has the constant bombardment in almost exclusively sr fanworks of 'omg two hands' has really soured the whole thing to me tbh #stand au srk is kind of the only srk to me now

[wurm-food]

fellas I am thinking about wr*ting again

#my brain has been just so tired lately. like reading is hard too #and I feel like there’s been a lot of really good discussion on writing and fandom on here lately that I feel a little more confident again #confidence again in finding my voice and writing the way I want to and not just feeling a need to cater #or that I need to produce something in order to ‘be productive’ in fandom (which is a very stupid thing to type out lol but it’s TRUE) #i may have put my foot in my mouth for saying anything about this and I might continue to not write but whatever #wurm.txt

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

been sooooo productive lately :3

#not w school tho lmao i’m not that prodocutive #but yesterday i went to the store and got new clothes from the thrift store and buzzed/cut my hair again bc it was killing me and #today i’ve tidied up and vacuumed which is great bc my mood is directly affected by how clean everything is so i feel great and i’ve #done a lot of laundry and i’m planning on drawing misa and i have grapes in the fridge because they were on sale and i love grapes and #the trees are getting green again so it’s pretty to have the curtains open and my goose is adorable and i have actual food to cook and #when i vacuumed i figured out a way to do it w/o hurting my back and i’m kinda in the mood to organize everything i own but i think i shoul #really start that paper that is. oh shit. due next week that i haven’t started yet damn but also with everything clean i want to paint hmm #whatever i’m going to see how productive i can be before i crash again i’ve been really tired lately but that’s nothing new but i like bein #productive being productive feels great bc i’m never productive anymore but apparently i still am capable of it i’m pretty #sure it’s bc it’s no longer winter so i can go outside and touch grass and cure my seasonal depression hell yeah

[dogboymortis]

today i listened to the 2011 version of twin fantasy today as well as the entirety of my back is killing me baby, i've also been in the middle of a week long mental breakdown

#[text] #car seat headrest #csh #twin fantasy (mirror to mirror) #twin fantasy (face to face) #my back is killing me baby #mbikmb #listening to 'famous prophets (minds)' and then 'twin fantasy (those boys)' back to back just... ugh i'm not okay #i haven't been okay LMFAO #but this just. AGH. GET MEOWTTA HEREEEEE #especially after listening to the face to face version of the album too... GODDDDDDDDDDDD #and listen. mbikmb is a heartbreaking album in it's regard? #because it just talks about late teen/early adult years and it reminds me of simpler times #in a good way and in a bad way also #listening to him singing about those feelings as a person who's went thru these feelings just feels bad #breaking: internet transdog mansplains empathy in regard to a hyperfixation #plus mbikmb is a really interesting listen because that was in the era where will's influences would have really been seen thru his style #of music production back then like. i can hear animal collective/the beatles/the beach boys in this album so blatantly #im so enthralled by car seat headrest i could talk for literal hours about just this alone

[lemonlovemeanslove]

introduction

#my art #i have started to experiment more with my art #and have really just started to try things outside of my main medium and subject matter #its been very giving #this is a still from a video im working on #where i really just want to tap into visuals that reminds me of a very spesific part of my childhood #photo is mine #clay horse is mine #music (which is going to be in the finished product) is also mine #i just wanna try so many things.... #im very very creative as of late #wonderful feeling

[this-doesnt-endd]

Watched 13 going on 30 and was like okay im gonna get my life together and we'll start by cleaning and ive hit the point where im hungry and im either making food and possibly staying awake possibly falling right asleep or not making food and just going to bed but i have the emotional momentum and i dont wanna lose it

#maybe if i hadnt been struggling w netflix forever i would have had dinner #now that i think abt it i dont think i really had anything today other than drinks #ill prolly go to bed cause i dont wanna make anything #i thought i had a top ramen i do not and my microwave mac n cheese is the big one not the small one so i dont wanna make it #i want some fries #had some amazing fries last night and i want them again #but its late so i prolly should just go to bed #i got a lot done this morning then vibed i was feeling so productive i was gonna sew a nightgown then i took a nap #and none of that happened

[robyn-goodfellowe]

everything has been so fast lately i need time to just stop for a little

#preferably on. 02:19. so i can sleep! thank you #really though it’s like i’ve been so busy i’ve no time to do anything For Me lately #everything has been like work. and school. and plans with my friends. and coursework and like ITS SO FUN but also #i have had no allotted robyn time and it’s starting to get to me i think . i haven’t written anything substantial in weeks if it #hasn’t been for class. and like again i’m having fun! i’m so excited for everything coming up and it’s nice to be so busy and productive #but also AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHH SOMETHING IS ALWAYS HAPPEBING #it’s like so hard to maintain like #school AND work AND social life AND online life AND me time #like one or two of them always ends up struggling #and again i’m having so much fun but 😫😫 i really just need to be alone for a day i think! and take it easy #but. idk. i’m also enjoying myself IM NOT COMPLAINING it’s just like wow i can’t remember the last time i took myself out somewhere nice to #write… i haven’t been to my favorite teahouse in a minute 😔 maybe next weekend. idk. i think i have stuff then too!!!! #rambling #also something bad happened and i ended up having to chop off a part of my hair #and i have been taking it as well as you’d expect (cannot handle unplanned change) #it’s so small you can’t even notice. BUT I CAN FEEL IT ABD ALSO IT MAKES ME SAD! ok goodnight

[dogcollarpunk]

😏< resisting the urge to go buy a monster and stay up late drawing when I have a 10 am lecture & flat viewing tomorrow

#beef trimmings #Ive also been sleeping badly so I should really just be kinder to myself #I simply. am feeling a little self-destructive #and I need 2 stay up late to an unreasonable time and regret it severely #I just also super duper duper dont wanna be around people #and I will have to. even if they are my friends. #the anxiety is bad and the mental? it is ill #RIGHT I NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL TOMORROW TOO #december is the month of agonies I feel so bad and I have so much 2 get done in terms of. social relationships and adult responsibilites #I just wanna crawl under a rock and destroy my ear drums with some loud music #its counter productive bc I KNOW I need social interaction as well #the isolation is making the brain worse but fuck I feel #like a very thin sheet of wet paper #dont come to close bc I tear easily

[4kayz]

Announcement

I'm going to make a new masterlist and request rules because I don't like my current ones. Actually, several things may change on this blog. I may add another fandom and finally start allowing NSFW requests. I'm also going to start experimenting and trying out new ways of writing and make a better tagging system as my current one isn't the greatest.

A lot of things need fixing on this blog so if you see slight changes in the aesthetic, tagging, and posting, you know why. Please let me know if anything so far of mine needs work or isn't the greatest. I wish to make a pleasing, organized, and more appealing look to this blog.

Throughout this month through January, I will start being more organized on Tumblr. I will accept any constructive criticism. I am a bit new to using Tumblr and posting fanfiction and making a proper blog, so any writer or person who knows the way of Tumblr fanfiction writing blogs, please tell me through asks or messages. Thank you.

#Note: I was planning on making this announcement a few days ago but I was a bit afraid that I may mess up or not follow what I said I'd do. #I'm not feeling like myself at all lately and I haven't been motivated or productive like I used to. #I do not want to disappoint anybody who likes my content or enjoys reading my stuff or viewing my arts. #It's just really hard to put myself together and actually start doing something. #The only thing really keeping me going right now is everybody following me or people that requested stuff for me to write. #I don't want to keep anybody waiting too long #I don't want people to get tired of me or bored of me #Sorry for the rant. #This will be unpinned when I have done and achieved what has been said in this announcement.

[noxtivagus]

i'll be honest n say i still barely know anything abt mostima but i think her design is vv cool ><

#🌙.rambles #[ arknights. ] #i rlly rlly like her design hehe #i've been playing more arknights lately but i haven't had the time to sit down n go through the story a lot ;;;;; #but. progress! i've logged in most days in the past two weeks ever since i started playing again n my rank is higher n all n #little steps c: i rlly wna play even more actively eventually since i really have a feeling arknights will be one of my top interests fr #i'll play a lot this break!!!! #n watch the anime too hopefully ehe #some charas that intrigue my a lot r #i think i mentioned some before but rn a few that i rmb are #mostima lappland skadi lumen ebenholz la pluma thorns phantom enforcer #n more >.> #i hope to eventually learn a lot more of arknights ehe i think i'll love it like. gbf for me. my two fav gacha games #they're so good though #SPEAKING OF GBF I SHLD RLLY PLAY MORE CONSISTENTLY 🥺 i love that game vv much i just haven't had the Time #speaking of time i'll be productive now so i can sleep relatively early n get stuff done so i can. rest <3

[iniziare]

Shady’s back, tell a friend— god, it feels good to type on a regular keyboard again, behind, guess what, behind the third-biggest babe in my life, my desktop computer. I don’t know what it says about me that I put so much value in a stationary computer, does it make me more of a boomer? I sure hope so. Anyway, she is installed and while we’re still waiting on internet, my phone is being used as the common hotspot in the apartment and the signal is pretty strong, so apart from work preparations, maybe it’ll also allow me to set up some things because I’ve started a Game of Thrones rewatch; I miss my books. But also, this boomer misses dodging bullets here (and writing too, I guess).

Aka, hi, we’re in our apartment— I have almost forgotten to cook/eat every day for 4 days now, because I’ve been single-handedly at war with one really greasy kitchen. Two more cabinets to go, folks, then I will know some kind of peace (translation: save me, my back is absolutely killing me, and I’ve been, mostly, suffering in silence).

#[ out of character. ] whatever. i don't really care. i'm just gonna sit this one out. #[ aka; this apartment was inhabited by i believe two guys. ] #[ you can tell. ] #[ that's all i'll say. ] #[ ... no i actually have a lot to say. the toilet smells like one you'd find in a gas station. ] #[ and we're unsure what happened there-- so we're gonna nuke it with products. we haven't yet decided what products. ] #[ the entire apartment feels like one that has been decently heavily smoked in but doesn't smell like it. ] #[ or not anymore any way. ] #[ it's that residue-- it's similar to caked on dust feeling greasy? except it's on places where caked on dust just... doesn't stay. ] #[ also the kitchen was gross. it looked fine on the surface but holy shit i've had to do a lot of cleaning. ] #[ when i say almost non-stop-- i mean i don't eat until like late afternoon and i call it dinner. ] #[ i just can't focus on anything other than this damn kitchen with all of its wonderful storage that i'll happily use once it's all cLEAN. ] #[ guys pls send help. i need help-- i can't do this alone even though i've been doing it alone. ] #[ /breathes. ] #[ i will sleep and finish it tomorrow. then i gotta get a steam cleaner for these floors and tackle those with it and a vacuum. ] #[ i love the apartment a lot but /holy shit. ] #[ my back. :( ] #[ and i'm waiting on my bedding so i can properly sleep-- in a bed... i will sleep for 24 hours. ] #[ hi; welcome to me returning but also-- welcome to my burnout and also my cleaning woes. ]