#I have to work on full bodies more and push myself past my portrait obsession

[brightermorepls]

for the ask game: mahonia, aloe vera and palm tree ♡

I hope you have a lovely day!

Omg not me sending you Palm Tree before I read this hehehe 🤭 Thank you for asking! I'm sorry, this is going to be loooooong. mahonia ⇢ what place, thing, activity inspires you most and how do you express yourself when it does? So I could answer this several ways... I'm going to try my best to not be super confusing or make this super long! → Photography: My photography is something that's extremely important and personal to me. I went on a huge journey with it to end up where I am with it now and it's full of heartache, that translates a lot in my photographs although most people probably don't recognise that - which is fine because they aren't meant to, it's for me. My photographs are love letters to life, love letters to all the little details I so easily looked past and through growing up and took for granted when I was able-bodied. Before I became ill and disabled, I worked as a photographer for a living and took it for granted, I took the world for granted. Becoming ill, grounded me - I'd to shift my whole life, photography, my college degree and my career... we parted, for a long time and it was devastating.

I loved nature and it was stolen from me for some time (I was bedbound for several months at my worst and in and out of hospital) and even before then my shift in photography had changed because of my health (especially after one college project we had to do which I ended up having to complete whilst in the hospital which really, really changed the way I looked at the world and how I approached my photographs - which had me looking at the smaller details over the bigger picture) but not to the extent it did after that period of time several years later.

Nature had always been something I loved and was drawn too but it became a sanctuary for me, something that I couldn't often experience but when I did, I got lost in it, being in nature was so healing and still is to this day. I try as much as possible (difficult in my current living situation) to go out with my camera and just sit in nature for hours, it replenishes me. To try and cut the story shorter (haha sorry); when I used to go out into nature, I tried to document the big picture (landscapes, large opens shots) but after that first hospital stay during that college project, I learnt to pay attention to all the smaller details that make up the big picture, and since then I work with very minimal close up nature shots, trying to find patterns and compositions within the things that make up the bigger picture. It's a whole symbolism thing and it's extremely healing for me. 😌 → Art: My art is something that's kinda new to me? I've always been artistic but my love for it has never been as huge as it is now - I actually have a few things to thank for this but my biggest inspiration is actually Han and Hyunjin when it comes to pushing myself with my painting - before I used to make some half-arsed art or something, be like "it's okay i guess" and like not do anything again for MONTHS because I just didn't see any progress? Before I got into SKZ I bought myself a proper tablet (a screen one) for my birthday - I'm not sure why because I barely used my old tablet (none screen one) and I guess I just hoped that I would use it?? I didn't for like... a month haha.

I was in a really, really, really bad mental space - and I was trying to drown it out. I watched The Untamed for the first time and got obsessed with it and painted some of the characters but kinda got bored of painting again.... until I painted THIS Hyunjin and started my Stray Kids paintings - where I started learning about the Kids and the more, I learnt about them the more they shifted my perspective on my art? There were so many times I wanted to give up my mini project [8 men, 8 music videos, 8 portraits] but seeing how hard they worked for themselves but for us really inspired me and my thoughts shifted from "omg this is shit, I should give up, this is difficult" to "I can't wait to learn from this and get better, I can't wait to see how I improve in my next painting" and I never had that before, ever. My photography came naturally to me (I've had a camera in my hand since I was 8) but this I have to really, really work for and it's something that I really wasn't used to. Their drive drives me, and I am so thankful for that my two hyper fixations (getting back into art and Stray Kids) colliding at the same time. I know those were long, but I hope they made sense! 💗 aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life? Erm, a proper holiday? Like, I've literally never been on one haha. I'm not sure if that counts as mundane but I feel like everyone goes on holiday and I never have haha. Oh I'd also like to experience living alone, that'd be nice too! palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless? Yes, yes yes yes hahahaha omg okay so I could talk about this forever, but my favourite villain is character called Xue Yang [Xue Chengmei] and he's from a novel called The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation [MDZS] (also The Untamed LA). I LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH, it's actually ridiculous hahaha. He's the full description of a Psychopath, he's completely deranged, but his story is sooo sad and he just got handed (pun kinda intended) a bad path in life and never recovered from it. It shouldn't but his story breaks my heart and it's used as a juxtaposition for the actual main character of the Story (Wei Wuxian), and how if he'd hadn't been so lucky, he could have turned out like Xue Yang as well, which is done perfectly specially when the characters finally meet each other. Also the actor, Wang HoaXuan played his character perfectly in the live actions which doesn't help haha. Anyways, I WILL talk about him forever so I'm going to stop typing now haha. I love him :')

Give me a word and I'll answer!

#ask game #sorry this was sooooo long haha

[vaard]

When you don’t teach classes on Fridays and get stuck with 8 hours of mind-numbing guard duty.

There is only Wii Shop music behind those eyes

#wow #warcraft #vaard #draenei #paladin #my art #can't say my backgrounds are great #but I'm trying #I have to work on full bodies more and push myself past my portrait obsession

[itsthe-neo-zone]

Wands and Potions - NCTdream & WayV 

Please read the Masterlist before continuing ahead with the chapter.

Warnings: read the warnings in the masterlist linked above, song recommendations can be found there too.

A/N: Thank you to those who appreciate and support this piece of work! You know who you are, and thank you to my wonderful followers and taglist! you make this possible. 

Chapter 16: 

“I wanted to ask you about something.” Selene whispered; she didn’t have to be loud; she was sitting on the edge of a log in the clearing near the edge of a small island on the black lake.

“Fire away,” Yangyang was behind her, plaiting her soft locks, the feeling of the gold-like shimmer beneath his hands calmed him slightly. He was about to reveal his thoughts and deepest desires to her.

“Is it true, the whole dark arts thing.” She breathed out Yangyang could feel how she visibly tensed beneath his gaze. He looked down at her shoulders, the way they curved in slightly. She felt vulnerable around him. “You’re taught the dark arts?”

The exasperated sigh she heard from him was worrying her and his silence increased the level of anxiety in her tenfold. She felt his slender fingers let go of the strands of hair she let cascade down.

She had ever gone this far away from castle alone. “Yes,” he murmured; he took his steps to come stand before her. “I’ve done things… that are regrettable, but I’d never try to harm anyone.” Crouching to be at eye level he looked into her eyes with full sincerity.

“It’s alright.” she crooked her head to the side breathing out, the stray strands of her hair fell down past her eyes “You’re not scared?” he asked puzzled, his eyes wavered slightly looking anywhere but her.

“No,” pulling up all her courage she smiled at him, assuring the slender figure before her. “I’m not.”

“Even if I tell you I know of the unforgiveable curses.” He was a little sceptical in mentioning them.

“Even if you tell me about those.” Selene didn’t hesitate she answered immediately letting him know she trusted him, it scared her a little, but she believed he was good inside. He never judged her for being a half-blood and although it was difficult for him, he maintained their friendship.

“So, why did you bring me here?” Selene looks around. She knew of her whereabouts, but she was confused, why specifically here?

The two continued walking along the path into the woodland sitting on the island, the neighbouring patch of land had the grave of the preceding headmaster of Hogwarts. They began talking, Yangyang explaining what he believed and where his affiliations lied.

“Gellert Grindelwald was right. He had a plan to keep us away from hiding. All wizard kind. Durmstrang students look up to him, we recognised him as our leader.” Yangyang glanced around, they wandered off into the main coppice, letting themselves get caught in the magnificence of the nature.  

“Do you think like him, do you believe that wizard kind deserve to rule, that it’s your birthright?” Selene was wondering, she wanted to understand what he believed to be his right. She wanted to get her thoughts around his ideals and beliefs.

“I do.” He walked up to a certain tree gathering from its leaking sap. “Tree sap must be quite rare where you come from.” she comically pondered, Yangyang grinned turning to face her “Just a hobby.”

“So, you think there are powerful wizarding families that would be willing to continue Grindelwald’s noble work?”

“Definitely, I’m surprised your family isn’t in on it too.” Selene chuckle; she thought of her obsessive blood supremacist mother and her family.

“Don’t be, I’m sure they’re a part of it, my family is intense when it comes to this kind of ordeals.”

[01:36PM]

Selene had been spending the rest of the free afternoon she had in the empty potions room. Professor Giverlein left the empty room letting her know there were no more potions classes that day leaving her with everything she could ever need.

“There’s no way I’m going to get this?” Selene whined thrusting her digits past the sides of her head rubbing her sore scalp. She was beyond stressed.

Sleepless nights, Chenle and his problems on one side. Rose and Albus with their family stress on the other; her own family ordeals tugging at her, the prophecy the portrait spoke about, the lestrange manor invitation, Yangyang and his affiliations to the return of the Ancient Sacred 28 and then Scorpius and his solemn depression. Selene was trying to solve too many problems at once.

She felt as if it was all coming back, as if the matters were taking her physical body and heath as tribute she was going to regurgitate. Holding it in, she lifted the elixir the potion she had been working on secretly aside her schoolwork.

The bitter after taste was awful but she withstood it for the benefits the potion would give her. This was old magic; you’d give something up for the taking of another. In this case it was her blood.

Selene hid the bubbling liquid in the cauldron, she lifted the rusty metal towards her shelf setting a lid on top and pushing it inwards quickly to sheath the brewing of the elixir. She took her seat back at the edge of the table.

Selene was reminded of the tournament happening from the exaggerated shouts and yells from the harbouring window. The voices came from students a year or two older, closer to Yangyang’s age. Selene sat there dazed for a moment. It was getting closer to the winter break, meaning the deadline for the potion project was creeping nearer.

Playing with the leaves of the daisy root; Selene remembered what she had gone through to get the foliage. She recalled what Chenle did for her. He saved her from the hell she was going through, twice. That should prove that he cares.

But why do I still hate him for his harsh words and cold demeanour?

 [06:17PM]

[Selene Pov]

“I got your message. What is it?” I rushed to the library. Moving past tables I saw a crouched lyra she was shaking, and I mean shaking. Almost vibrating.

“What on earth happened. And why did you send that idiot Irene to tell-” I stopped my whining because I realised this was real, she was in tears and it looked like anymore and she’d lose it all. I lifted her up swinging the robes she had on the floor over her shoulder blades.

Olivia comes rushing into the library, I could hear the frantic panic in her voice as she desperately wanders about the immense hall of the library.

“Oh thank heavens you’re here!” I speak agitatedly my voice breaking, “Olivia what’s happening to her.”

“He found out!” Olivia crouched she grabbed the girls palm, “Hopefully this works.” She pulled an elixir out of the robes pocket taking a couple drops and setting them on the girls wrist.

“Who found out?” I was panicking, I should be keeping my calm but the view before my own two eyes was scaring me.

“Se-Selene, he saw, it- I didn’t. he saw E-everything.” I hushed her, “It’s alright, I understand. We’ll solve this.”

It looked like Olivia understood what lyra was blabbering about, the rush in her hands and movements forced me to lift the dropped unknown potion and take care of the small container and its excess drops.

“I’ll explain later but you have to get Scorpius right now. Do whatever you need to do he must come here right now.” I nod already running off I pushed past the main library doors not caring or even asking questions on my Scorpius had to be there.

I was running even faster than I had when I heard Scorpius’ voice in my head, using every force I had in the rest of my body I managed to clear the thoughts for a couple more seconds sending a energy fuelled message to the blond slytherin boy.

“Where are you going?” Jade yelled after my speeding self, she watched me turn towards the dungeons of the castle, following she tried to catch up but as a speeding bolt, the only thing she caught was my maroon hair trailing off behind me.

I reached the entrance of the Slytherin common room. It was guarded by two gargoyle statures and a password. Never being down here before; I panicked. Lyra didn’t look like she had much time before she was out.

Catching sight of the one person I didn’t want to be around, I groaned. Why him, why Chenle of all freaking people? It just had to work that way, turning around to face him I forcibly pushed down any form of resentment and dignity I had.

“Where is Scorpius?”

“Look what the snake swallowed? It’s Selene Adams, have you come to apologise?” Jisung who was next to the blond spat smirking, the smug grin on his face annoying me more than it should.

“I’m not here to apologise to anyone.” I glared back at him; his words made me feel like shit. “Where’s Scorpius, Chenle?” I repeated my question my body language visibly showing I was under a time limit.

“Tell me?”

“Selene they’re not going to help.” The familiar echo from behind me voiced down the damp and dreary corridor. “Jade please help me, lyra has fallen and Olivia sent me to get Scorpius, its urgent.”

She nodded pushing past the two; specifically Jisung. “Ill get him now, wait out here.”

“Be fast. Please!”

I paced up and down the width of the small corridor, Jisung’s face immediately changed realisation dawned over his sharp features and he quickly followed the dark raven female; leaving the blond boy standing a meter away from me.

It felt awkward. I didn’t want to talk to him or even be around him. Though I could feel his penetrating gaze it pervaded my head trying to understand my thoughts, defiling me.

“Stop that.”

“What? Stop what?” he sneered his voice was back to the usual the voice he always had; the softness that was once there when we were at the mansion was nowhere to be found. I guess snakes venom spreads fast, especially of that snake is Rosier.

“Your staring.” I snapped back.

“So now I can’t use my eyes, and who said I take orders from you? Filthy half breed.” His words took me back to the times I’d let myself be lectured and broken down by him.

I wasn’t going to answer but the look of pure aggravation on my face said enough. Watching the now appeared Scorpius drag me off was enough to let it slide, lyra was more important anyways.

“You can tell me what happened later and why I’m desperately needed when Lyra’s the one in trouble but now we need to get to her as fast as possible.”

After pulling Scorpius on a wild goose chase to the library then noticing Olivia took Lyra to the lunch table on the outside of the castle gates and into the gardens past the wooden bridge. I had finally made it completely emphysematous.

“What is it, what is going on?” the blond boy was extremely confused and shocked. His movements were extremely erratic.

“You’re going to have to sit through this one, Scorpius.” Olivia spoke she was hesitant. Weary to all his reactions.

“Do I go? Or what do I…” after catching enough breath I ask the unanswered question. It seemed like this was a private ordeal, I was unsure of whether it seemed ok for me to be here.

“You’re related to him; he may need some ‘moral support’ through this.” Olivia hissed she was put in an uncomfortable position; I could see it myself. She lifted the lifeless right arm that belonged to lyra.

The cold wind brushing past our stiff bodies allowed me to lean into Scorpius for warmth and comfort. Though I think he was the one who needed comfort now, he looked extremely anxious.

“Do you know what’s happening?” I look into his eyes leaning over his shoulder. Scorpius gleams smiling lightly at my pouted facial expression.

“You look cute.” He mumbles, pulling me down to sit next to him. He sighed, it seemed like he had a rough day today. “To be completely honest, I don’t know what this is about, but I have a bad feeling about this if my predictions are correct.”

The unease was evident in the way he stations himself waiting for Lyra to wake from her deep slumber.

“Why did you ask me to bring him here?” My question was directed to Olivia, but I couldn’t take my eyes of Lyra her tired and overworked emotional toll showing through her face. I was stupid not to notice, the glimmer once in her soft eyes no longer there.

“I should have been there for her like she did for me.” I muttered voice breaking, it sounded weaker than it should have. Watching the ravenclaw witch wake her up from the antidote of the elixir she looked shaken and dissipated.

“Selene, Scorpius?” her voice was barely above a whisper, lyra woke up but she was still in a haze. “I’ll let Lyra explain, just give her time to awaken.” Olivia added letting lyra sit up, I moved to help the brunette witch. My friend, a sister to me.

After giving her a few moments to calm I spoke up nudging her to speak gently. She had energized just enough to talk. But as soon as she looked up and into Scorpius’ eyes the tears started. He was shocked, his lips trembling wanting to say something but unable to speak.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” I was truly disordered, completely flummoxed. The two were reacting lie they had shared some sort information. Everyone was reacting strangely. Even Jade was understanding her eyes flashed when she heard of Lyra being hurt.

“I think I know, but I’m unsure…” Scorpius was as still as a stone sculpture at this moment. “And it’s scaring me.” He breathed looking at her weak shivering fingers before him, they laid on the table as she sobbed, “Is it a possibility that I’m- I mean, that you’re…

Her voice was incredibly shaky, she yearned to hug him but it was difficult... Everything was telling her not to push his limits. 

“I wanted to, -really- I wanted to tell you for so long. But fath-father didn’t let me. He kept me away too. I’m so sorry.”

@ajuniceuajuniceu​ @kkuljungwoo​ @sensiblebutch​ @kangkinoa​ @nctzen2020​ @mystic-jungkook​ @merryandhappylele​ @bcbymingi​ @mochischeeks  @rilakunma​ @jaehyunspaghetti​ @commentgirl​ @99jjh​ @johnnys-wifeu​ @misaraem @apricottulips​ @h2ogamergirl @angelsnowflake​ 

#nctdream series #wayv senarios #kpop fanfic #nct hogwarts au #nct chenle #wayv yangyang #NCT 127 #nct fanfic #nct wayv #wayv x reader

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #245

“i fell asleep at the wheel again, crashed my car just to feel again.”

What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over the appropriate amount of eye contact I make. What color is your mp3? Hot pink. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeup. Is there a song or lyrics currently super-glued in your head? "Popular Monster" by Falling In Reverse FUCK What can you go a day without doing? Uhhh a lot? I dunno... oh, drink water because I suck at that gah. I've gotten a lot better than I used to be tho. What can’t you go a day without doing? Touching some form of technology. Who do you spend most of your time with? Myself. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? Treat others with kindness. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I definitely think so. What type of art would you hang up in your room? Lol I have some of my own... but let's say it was a clean slate again. I'd put some macabre/gothic art of some sort up, probably. Of COURSE with meerkats making an appearance. What fruit is too sweet to you? Hm, I'm blanking. What was the last contest you have ever won: Uhhhh... I think the giveaway of two Silent Hill: Revelation things? That was forever ago. What was the worst hair cut you have ever had in your entire life: Looking back, the haircut I had before this one (short on the left, faded into still rather long on the right) I don't really like anymore. Looks fine in some pictures, but not most. What was the worst thing you have ever worn in your life: Oh I don't know. Probably some dance costume. Do you like any sort of animes: Yeah, a handful. I'd honestly like to watch more. Have you ever used someone for your own benefits: I don't think so. What is the worst cartoon you have ever seen: Oh boy, idk. There's some dumb ones, a lot that I've only seen peeks of. Do you like to type or write more: TYPE. Writing physically can easily make my carpal tunnel act up. I hated having to hand-write a few essays last semester... I had to stop frequently to roll my wrists and cringe and stuff. What color would you have your skin if you could change it: I'd like pale skin like I have, but I wish it was more flawless/porcelain-ish. SOOOOOO pretty ahahhhhhhhhahhhhhh Do you usually cook your own meals, or does someone cook for you: I usually have to throw something together in the microwave because Mom's barely home, but when she is home, she cooks. If someone cooks for you, do you always thank them for it: YES. YES. NOT SAYING ANYTHING IS SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL. What do you do during the day: Almost without question, SOMEthing on technology/usually computer. As for what I do on technology, boy, a lot a lot. I don't even feel like listing it all. When you are online what do you normally find yourself doing: ... Oh, lmao. Uhhh binging YouTube, writing on or just checking up on KM, dA browsing/cleaning my drowning inbox, Facebook, "working" at the SH and SotC wikis, playing games, roaming Tumblr, check my emails, uhhhhhhh,,,, What is the most hated item you own: I wouldn't... keep it if I hated it? Uhhhh yeah, I honestly don't know. What is your favorite item you own out of all the items you have: My iPod, really. I have over 1k songs on this old-ass nano that I've had since middle school. I guess my laptop is kinda tied, but idk. Like, I don't love this laptop itself, just that it allows me to go online at a decent speed lmao. I guess they're my favorites in different ways. So, do you think that you will get where you want in life currently: Not stopping pushing for it 'til I get it. Why is that so. May I ask: I'm "too" determined. It's been a struggle getting to even where I am, but FUCK, I'm getting there. Do you like Halloween: I can't fwu if you don't. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not to my recollection. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? Personally, I think a simple peck is fine IF that's your thing and it's mutually understood that it's platonic. Ex., I know greeting kisses are normal in some cultures, and I see no reason to shame it so long you're not like making out. Is it okay for girls to hit boys? Fuck no. Unless you're like fighting off an assailant/defending yourself, NO gender hits ANYONE. Do you know a lot of attractive boys personally? I've never thought about it? I'm not gonna dig through all the people I know rn... What happens if you realized you had a crush on somebody? More than anything, I'd be scared of being hurt again, particularly if it's a guy. So I definitely wouldn't make the first move. Do you think you are attractive? No. Which two of your friends would have the cutest baby together? I don't know. How do you feel about your naked body? DON'T COME AT ME WITH THIS QUESTION GO AWAY Have you ever been called obnoxious? No. At least, not to my memory. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No, but a more close-knit one. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. If somebody smacks your butt, you automatically say: I wouldn't say shit, I'd turn around and smack them across the face. How often does your family life conflict with your social life? Pretty much never. Have you ever been emotionally abused? No, thankfully. Do small children like you? They seem to, I guess. If karma is really true, should you be worried? Not very. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? None. Do you have anything hidden in your room? Yeah, some saved money. What do you wish you were doing right now instead of this? It'd be great to talk to Sara. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? Oh I'm going to the fucking hospital for that epidural fren. If I even wanted kids. What was the last thing you ordered online? Uhhh good question. Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? Well, actually the entire time I was ON anti-depressants. Because I'm bipolar, anti-depressants actually ramp up the aggression of bipolarity symptoms. How, I don't recall the science of, but I trust every word that comes out of my psychiatrist's mouth for many reasons. That definitely happened. One also made me gain weight, and the worst instance was in middle school when I was briefly on one that made me SO fucking hyper and happy in the morning but I crashed into an absolute bitchy monster by mid-afternoon. Now a combination of mood stabilizers helps both my bipolarity and depression immensely and are the main reason I'm alive. Are you allergic to any plants? I mean, I'm allergic to pollen. Are you an outdoors person? If the weather is cool, I love it. Does your past bother you? Some parts of it. Do you take risks or play it safe? I tend to play it safe. What forms of art do you like the best? This is an absolutely impossible question. "Art" has such an incredible range of forms, and I enjoy like... all. I guess the one thing I don't particularly care for is abstract art. What forms of art do you want to try? HYPERREALISM IN DRAWING. I REALLY wanna be able to draw/paint/whatever and make it look so true to life, BUT I'd like to add fantasy aspects to what I'm making (for example, my characters). I'd love to do portraits, too. This isn't really a "type" of art, but one thing I desperately want in art is to actually develop my own recognizable style that isn't just a wobbly attempt at realism with shitty proportions. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn's dope. Has a medication ever made you itch? No. What’s your favorite rainy day activity? Cuddle with snacks and like binge a good TV show/YT videos, etc. BUT considering I'm single I'ma just take a nap if I'm actually tired and you can hear the rain on the window. Do you put creamer in your tea? I wonder how many times I'll tell surveys I hate tea lmao by the end of my life lmao. What do you think are some good names for twins? I don't care enough to think about this. What are three things that fascinate you? Animal behavior (particularly social), the paranormal, and genetics. Would you say you live more in the past, present, or future? Present, I think. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? Not me personally, no, but my family. We had our basketball hoop stolen from our front yard and I was mega tilted yo. Does injustice make you angry? More like it infuriates me. Do you have the bad habit of procrastinating? Very badly. Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? I both am and am not afraid of running into Jason. I have a very strong feeling I'd start having a PTSD episode (by that I mean hyperventilating, crying a bit, and shaking at the very least), but simultaneously I just want him to know I'm sorry. Do you have anyone you avoid? No. Do you have the same dreams now that you did as a kid? No. Who’s your crush? I don't really know if I have one right now. My old friend Ian and I started talking, and he's a fucking hilarious dude with similar ethics to mine with great compassion, but I still don't know him well enough to say I like-like him. I'm honestly just happy to have an irl friend again that actually talks to me regularly. Do you trust the government? I believe in WAY too many conspiracy theories to even try to convince anyone I trust the government lmao. Who do you want to meet in Heaven? I don't know exactly what sort of afterlife I believe in (it's not the traditional Heaven though), but I do believe that souls can reunite. The first thing I want to see again is Teddy. Does your school take sports too seriously? Considering we're well-respected in the sports field to the degree we draw in a huge number of foreign athletes, guess you could say yes lmao. Most of the people I even slightly know here came for sports. If there are bruises on your body, how did you get them? There aren’t. Would you ever go back in time to do something over again, but differently? Yes. Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? The airport. Have you thought about your wedding in detail? Not great detail, no. Do you think you could ever really kill someone? In self-defense, I know I could. Do you like Papa John’s pizza? I couldn't even guess the last time I had it. I don't remember. Do you attend school? Yeah. Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? The latter. Where were you when the ball dropped? In my bed asleep lmao. Where are your siblings? Probably all at work. Waffles, pancakes, or french toast? French toast. Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? Not really, but I WILL wonder to myself if you believe in some of the bullshit just about every religion has somewhere. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? YUP YUP YUP! Mainly irl tho. Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? No. Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? No. Been to one where everyone was high, though. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I'd hope the good guy. Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? Ha ha yeah. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? Yes. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, all but one. What do you hear right now? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Proud as fuck because this song was a MASSIVE PTSD trigger at first and even made me cry, but despite it still making me kinda uncomfortable, I can listen to and enjoy it now. If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? The only three people whose opinions would matter there would be Sara, Girt, and Jason. Sara and Jason would fucking break me, while I think Girt would of course make me cry, but I just. Wouldn't be surprised to lose another irl friend. I'd be so fucking hurt by any. OH YEAH, what would I say? I think Sara would have me speechless. I'd probably just choke out, "I don't blame you," to Jason. Girt, my first instinct pondering this was "are you serious?" because he's such a joker while my stomach dropped. What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her, but still feel kinda sad that it wasn't me. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? If I like the person, I feel very comforted. It like... makes me feel small, safe, and permitted to just let my emotions loose, ex. be "allowed" to cry. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my phone to see the time. Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? I don't want to answer this. Do the math. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? No. Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? Yeah. Would you date someone three years older than you? Yeah. Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Actually as of recently, the morning. It's a nice way to start the day clean and energized. Could you handle living with the last person you texted? I'd love to live with her. Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? It was assigned, but I loved it. Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? Not really? Well no, I think I'm being a less procrastinating student and also not fleeing so quickly from situations that invoke my anxiety. Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? SOBS Blockbuster come BACK we NEED u. What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? Eh, it was stupid and something that realistically isn't worth being annoyed by. I was SUPER bored and tired yesterday waiting for Mom to finish her field work while I waited in the library after classes, and I was so ready to go home, but she stayed longer than she thought she would. Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? Actually, not really. He's way too motivated and drawn to people who push forward and get shit done, and just in general at least from how I "know" him as a fan I could only realistically see us as friends. But a fangirl can dream ok just let me dream. When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? I'll answer hypothetically if I watched TV: probably something I know I like. Might get adventurous every now and again and try something new, though, especially if it's on a channel I like. How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? I haven't had to. I juuuuust slightly have enough room where I DID have them grow in. Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? Uhhh probably the deli, which I got and lasted for two hours my first work day lmao. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. What do people tell you your voice sounds like? I dunno, kinda deep for a girl and lacking an accent most of the time. What financial class are you? Lower. What poster is hanging closest to you? A huge Nightmare Before Christmas one. Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Maybe if Ian did? Idk. It'd be a nice way to get to know more about each other, but I'd only agree to it after we talked a bit longer. Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? Not "a ton." Things we'll eat again though, yes. Favorite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. I haven't watched it. Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? Hell yes. Pretty sure next is collarbones if I could just lose a little bit more weight so they're more visible. Do you love when people remember little things about you? YES OMG!!!!!!!!!! Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Yes, I just think it's common good manner. Even though the reasoning behind it is whatever, it's a societal thing that I just go along with. How many phones have you gone through? Idk, not too many. Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? No.

#survey #questions #quiz

[blschaos3000-blog]

Its 1:56 am cold/dark/leftovers

  Welcome to “8 Questions with…….”

Yeooooow has my November lethargy been a wicked pisser this year. I am so far behind on everything but I’m going to catch up,I promise!! 

I met our next guest,the fantastic Wyatt Terwilliger in a rather different manner. He and I met on Facebook in a horror movie group. As many of you know,while I am a huge horror fan,I’m not a torture porn fan and that topic came up in the group. Many “fans” love it is what I discovered in this group and when I politely pointed out that I didn’t,well,many were butt hurt and then I was out of that group….but I wasn’t alone in my stance as Wyatt joined in on my side before I left and after I was “kicked out”,I got a friend request and I accepted Wyatt’s invite.    Since then I discovered that Wyatt is an extremely talented photographer and his pictures and composition is among the best I’ve ever seen. What really caught my attention was despite many of his photos featured beautiful models,they were almost an distraction because of the locations he uses for his shoots and the colors in his backgrounds.  Just breathtaking and beautiful.    The more I saw the stronger the urge was to ask my friend Wyatt if he wouldn’t mind doing this interview and and am quite stoked he said “Yes”.    I do owe Wyatt an apology for this being posted so late and for being so patient. I really hope you really enjoy meeting Wyatt as he answers his 8 Questions…..

  Please introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about yourself.

I’m Wyatt! I’m a Long Island NY photographer interested in creating images that are a little off center of the usual.

 How old were you when you discovered photography? What was the first camera you ever owned?

If we’re talking the FIRST first time I discovered photography; I was 9 or 10, I discovered black and white film existed and became obsessed with shooting black and white and coloring parts in with photo markers.I didn’t really start doing the photo thing legitimately until about 4 years ago.  I had kind of tired of all other creative outlets and had enough creative friends who had modeled in the past, that it made sense to collaborate.

How did you work to improve your technique? Do you perfer shooting with film or digital more and why?

I’m always trying to push beyond what I’ve done and try things I haven’t yet. I try not to let myself get comfortable, which I think forces me to get better.  I study my own stuff a lot and find what I’ve done that I like, and try to fine tune those things. I would LOVE to shoot film but I’m living the starving artist life in a big way.  Film is expensive!  I shoot digital out of necessity. Maybe that’ll change in the future.

 What kind of gear do you currently use? How do you get beautifully colored backgrounds?

I shoot on a Nikon D3200, it’s not a terribly fancy or advanced camera, but it’s getting the job done so far! I have a basic ring light I got off eBay that I use for indoor setups when possible.   The color is all done in editing.  I use photoshop and play with color, I find color to be infinitely fascinating.  It brings so much to the photos. Enhances mood and feel, it changes so much about every image, I’m glad to see that people respond to it.

 Which do you perfer shooting- indoor shots or outdoors? What are some of the pros and cons of each setting?

That’s tough. I love both for different reasons but I do really love being outside and exploring new places, there’s not a TON of variation in scenery on Long Island (where I shoot) but this has helped me find a lot of cool new spots I never would have discovered otherwise!    Shooting outside is great because I also love to use natural light.  Although I also like manipulating light with indoor shoots. I  don’t know that I really enjoy one over the other!

Which is your favorite lense and why?

Currently I’m in love with the Sigma 50mm I’ve been using.  It’s responsible for a lot of my best work.

   You often will use nude models for your shoots. What do you do or say to your models to ensure a safe and comfortable session? Is there anything a model can do to protect herself from a scammer?

Everything is discussed beforehand.  We discuss the shoot in as much detail as possible before getting on set, most importantly comfort levels and boundaries.  This way I know where the model is at and what the shoot is going to entail.   Comfort, trust and respect are absolutely key.  A model should know what a shoot is going to involve long before she steps in front of the camera, and a photographer should know and respect their boundaries.    As far as avoiding negative experiences with photographers, always, ALWAYS get references.  If you do not know a photographer personally (and sometimes even then) speak to models they have shot with previously, ask about their behavior on and off set.  Take a look at their social medias as well, see how they talk about models the shoot with.  These can be good indicators.

Among your photos,which three are your favorites and why?

This is so hard to answer!

An image from a shoot I did with Betsy ( @betsoh ), who is a fantastic model, indoor shoot, very simple setup, just her and a bed with a white sheet.  There’s an overhead shot, her on her stomach with her back to us.  It’s one of my absolute favorites.  The way the shadows fell on her, the contrast of her against the color of the sheet.  The angle I lucked into. I think it’s got a really cool vibe.   I have a shot with Vivian (@vivian_haze95 ) with her draped in a bright red, sheer fabric.  She’s tucked into a vibrant green backdrop of flowers and foliage, it’s such a striking image. The bright red against the green, and her body language is so great.  I’m really proud of that one.    Another I’m really proud of is from a shibari shoot with Niki (@orisha.realness)     The shoot itself was one of the best and coolest I’ve gotten to be a part of.  There was the model, and the man tying the ropes.  I expected to get cool shots of the various ties and knots and harnesses he would be tying, but quickly realized the shoot lied in the process, which was delicate and intricate.  It was also a really cool display and exercise in consent.  The relationship between the two, while binding and being bound, is all about consent and communication.   There is a shot from this shoot, it’s a fairly simple profile portrait, the rigger (person who ties ropes) has his hand on the models chest, there is an orange light that fades into pale blue/grey on the wall behind them, the contrast of their skin tones, Niki also has super cool hair, which adds a little pop of purple to the top left corner of the image.  I think it’s a really powerful shot.  That might be all time favorite image I’ve ever been a part of creating.

Which photographers have influenced you the most in the way you take your pictures?

Right now my biggest influences are Moss Von Faustenberg, who was the first photographer I saw use color in the way that I’m so in love with (and employ myself).  His images are as close to perfect as possible, Every. Single. Time.    Harris Nukem is just absurdly talented and can make absolutely anything infinite’s interesting to look at.  The way he photographs humans is just brilliant.    Christopher McKenney creates images that are simultaneously absolutely gorgeous and haunting all at once.  Wildly talented photographer.     Film is also a MAJOR influence on me and my art. A few films (and their respective directors and cinematographers) that have had the most influence include

Mandy (2018)

The Strange Color of Your Body’s Tears (2013)

Suspiria (1977)

Enter the Void (2009)

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

Dredd (2012)

The use of light and color in these films have been highly influential in my photography for sure, and are also pretty great films in general.

What is your greatest motivation in taking your pictures,what do you want to do with your talent?

To create photos that I would like to see in the world.  It’s hard to find artists that are exactly in line with what you’d like to see and what your tastes and interests are. So ultimately I’d like to create that art.  I’m not quite there yet, but that’s the goal!

 What have been the three best horror films you have seen this year?

Oooh, I’m glad you asked!

‘Midsommar’ is right at the top of the list.  That movie is WILD man, it’s absolutely stunning to look at, it’s beautiful, severely dark and foreboding, crushingly heavy. It’s such a trip. Ari Aster is one of the most brilliant filmmakers working today.

‘Dry Blood.’ – It’s not from this year but I saw it this year and WOW, what a movie.  Easily one of if not the best micro budget indie horror film I’ve ever seen.  It’s not without its flaws but it keeps you guessing and trying to figure it out the whole time, and still manages to surprise you in the end…and end which is shocking, heartbreaking, unsettling…it’s great.

And ‘Haunt’ Which just came out.  It’s a horror movie drenched in Halloween atmosphere and is just pure fun.  I also have a fear of pretty much exactly what the movie is about so it hit nicely.    I’m super excited about Doctor Sleep, I’m sure that’ll take a top spot for the year as well!

The new Nitehawk movie theater opened last night December 18, to a large crowd of media and interested parties in Park Slope.

 The cheetah and I flying to watch your latest exhibit but we are a day early and you are now our tour guide,what are we doing?

Ah, pressure!

Well I love a short train ride from NYC, which certainly doesn’t need me to do it any favors…    But, I’m a food guy, it’s pretty much what I do, and between NYC and Brooklyn, there’s pretty much going to be your new favorite place for any kind of food you can imagine. Right now I’m swooning over Federoffs Roast Pork in Brooklyn.  Best sandwiches I’ve ever had, hands down.     The NiteHawk theater in Brooklyn is a super cool movie going experience, they show tons of indie films, older films and have lots of cool horror film screenings. The theater also has a full bar, and has full snack bar/food/drink service AT YOUR SEAT.  Its pretty much guaranteed to ruin all other movie theaters for you.

Movies and food…those are my areas of expertise!

I like to thank Wyatt for taking the time off his schedule to chat with us. If you’re in Long Island,NY and need some world class photos taken,well…..look no further then Wyatt. 

Wyatt has a InstaGram page that showcases his skills which you can find here.

He also has a Facebook page as well in case you don’t use IG.

I like to thank you all for both reading my words but for also supporting the folks I am so fortunate to chat with.  You can read my other interviews by going here. Feel free to drop a comment or two…..

8 Questions with……..professional photographer Wyatt Terwilliger Its 1:56 am cold/dark/leftovers Welcome to "8 Questions with......." Yeooooow has my November lethargy been a wicked pisser this year.

#8 Questions With #art #Chris McKenney #Harris Nukem #Life #lifestyle #Long Island #Moss Von Faustenberg #New York City #photography #professional

[daniel-henao-blog]

Final Project | Show Me What You Know

“Absquatulate” by Daniel Henao

-For the person: I used Tim Bergling who is a musician. For my place I used images of Stockholm which is where Tim Bergling was from. I used broken glass paint as my thing because Tim Bergling admired the youthfulness of simple colors with paint. The main concept in this artwork is to express the idea and manifestation of depression and mental health issues. I aimed to integrate shape, texture, form, color, line, emphasis, unity, flow, rhythm, and depth. I first grabbed an image of Tim Bergling who is a music artist who died in April of 2018, because of suicide. He was known to be a humble person. Then I covered at least 80% of his body with broken glass texture that I made with photoshop. For the background I used and image of Tim Bergling on stage and created a shift effect with the red and blue channels of the layers, which distorted the colors to create depth and flow. Then I added blot effect with the brush to create an irregular gird of triangle like shapes that have paint blots to resemble the album art that he included in some of his album covers. These two elements represent color, emphasis and form. For his portrait I split the image in to three pieces and created a black and white screen to express the duality of life and death which he dealt with. I then colored him with the three main colors from the paint blots. For the final part I added Stockholm at the bottom which fades towards the background of the stage. The purpose of this fade is to connect Tim with his home. The conceptual part of this element is to resemble home and being a musician can displace a person.

 SUMMARIZE your experiences with Digital Art in this course & answer ALL of the questions below (copy, paste & answer):

 ❓What were your favorite & least favorite projects & why?

-My favorite was project number 2, create an abstract image. It made push my understanding of known images to none representative elements and I found that very fascinating because it is difficult to fall off the habit of following some pattern. For example, using one of my favorite textures consistently but because it was abstract, I liked challenging my own inertia of thoughts. This project also helped me avoid going by the easy way out because abstract artworks can appear easy to make but when it comes to full effort it can be challenging and interesting. Project #3 was my least favorite because creating a Gif was difficult because I wished to go all out and explore this medium, but Tumblr required it to be a small size file, so it was limiting my canvas so to speak. It also was challenging to think of an interesting concept to add into the final step.

❓Which project(s) were most successful & why?

-My most successful projects were projects #1 and #2. For project #1 I found it invigorating to try and decipher myself as artistic elements. It was interesting to reflect on who I am as a person and who I want to be. At one point it was almost overwhelming the ideas that were written down, but I succeeded in finding a clear image. For project #2, I found myself in a great start because I have an obsession with surrealism and it was successful because my psychological elements and concepts bonded well.

❓What did you learn about digital art this semester?

-I learned how to teach myself the framework of using digital resources and how to reach my goal. I also learned that digital art is just as broad as contemporary art.

❓What more would you like to learn about digital art?

-I would love to learn on how to create animated films.

❓How has working with a computer as your medium enhanced your creative practice?

-It enhanced the way I perceive certain elements such as value, shapes, form. In the computer there are limitless ways to look as simple elements within an artwork that can not be really done with a painting.

❓What did you learn about the process of creating works of art?

-The best thing I learned about the process of creating works of art would be documenting the plan and the checkpoints inside the projects. I learned to look at art in new ways while I create something new.

❓Did you find in-class critique meetings to be a helpful tool for this course? Why or why not?

-I did find in-class critiques useful because critiques always help me find compelling ways to express my ideas in the eyes of other artists. I did not find it useful for the times that me and other students who needed more help could benefit from the critique if they were chosen.

 ❓Did you find Spark to be a helpful tool for this course? Why or why not?

-Yes, I found Adobe spark extremely useful and fun because the way it is setup. It was the best online sketchbook I have ever used. It was easy to use, and it gave enough room for creativity, which I admired.

❓Did you find Flipgrid to be a helpful tool for this course? Why or why not?

-I did find Flipgrid helpful because it forced me to push myself out of the comfort zone and I am a person who likes to push that boundary. I need more help with public speaking and Flipgrid helped me view how I do in delivering discussions.

❓ What suggestions if any do you have for improving this course?

-The only suggestion to improve this course is giving at least a 50% grade on students who worked hard on their projects but did not turn them in on time because not everyone is computer savvy. Also fixing the discussion notifications.

❓ What does your completed tumblr portfolio for this course express about you as a student & a creative?

-My completed tumblr portfolio expresses that I should really try to explore surrealism and abstract art projects. My portfolio also shows my fascination with psychology and how the mind works.

❓ What grade do you expect on your final project & why?

-I expect to receive a 10/10 on my final project, because I went the extra mile in designing it. I created two versions of this final project to demonstrate that I considered other elements and themes.

❓ What grade do you expect in this course & why?

-I expect an A- because I completed and met 90% of all assignments and criteria. The other 10% is where I chose to spend more time with my printmaking course. I am not expecting 100% because I know I could have attained it by completing my 31-day challenge #2 more strictly.

[topmixtrends]

FULL DISCLOSURE: As an adult, I’ve only ever really invested in one piece of non-comics art, a painting (Psychedelic Self-Portrait, 2012) by Aline Kominsky-Crumb, the self-described “grandmother” of autobiographical comics. Those who have read her stories know that Kominsky-Crumb spent parts of her early life grappling with an artistic interest and ambition that was at times encouraged and at other times stifled by those — family, lovers, handsy male art professors — around her. While Kominsky-Crumb ultimately found her calling in the wildly confessional, wryly self-deprecating, and always entertaining comics that have been collected, in part, in her book Love That Bunch, her fine arts sensibility — and especially her investment in portraiture — is never far outside the picture.

Kominsky-Crumb’s characters and settings, drawn in an expressive style as willfully intense as the sometimes shocking, often boundary-pushing content of her work, are studies in the contradictions that make up individual inner lives. Her alter egos’ moods fluctuate, from deep self-loathing to keen self-admiration to an assortment of anxious and unanxious states in between. The Bunch (her most often recurring alter ego) takes care of her body’s appearance, but, she wonders in front of hand-drawn mirrors, does this make her overly obsessed and superficial? Her protagonists worry about what others think, but they are also often pictured in flagrante delicto (popping a zit; joyfully being mounted by a husband; seething at a mother or even, though far less frequently, at a young daughter). For me, as for the many who have been captivated by Kominsky-Crumb’s work, the attraction is in the exposure, in the ways her comics get readers to think in new ways about common themes and subjects — sex, love, money, family, trauma, work, aging, motherhood — that are so often represented in tired, masking clichés.

On a sunny day in early May 2018, I called Kominsky-Crumb from my Brooklyn, New York, apartment to speak to her at her friend’s house in the desert in Tucson, Arizona, where she was staying on a brief four-day break from her book tour. Since the 1990s, she has been living, with her husband and earlier also with their daughter, in France.

¤

TAHNEER OKSMAN: I want to start by asking you how this expanded 2018 edition of your 1990 collection Love That Bunch came about. It’s a large hardcover. The design is careful and beautiful. Can you tell me the story of how it happened?

ALINE KOMINSKY-CRUMB: I ran into Peggy Burns at the Angoulême Comics Festival a few years back. We had a drink together, and she said to me, “I’ve just become the editor at Drawn & Quarterly, and one of the things I really want to do is a book of your work.” I said, “If you do it, I’ll do a new, long story for it too.” I did a new cover and endpapers, and I really got excited about it. It’s such a nice version of my work. And I’m old enough now to appreciate the attention.

I was very taken by the cover image of the book, a portrait which is a lot less expressionist than your comics. It looks more like a painting than a cartoon version of you. Why did you decide on that cover?

It’s because that’s who I am now. I’ve been teaching yoga for 25 years, and I have a very different feeling about my body, myself. A different self-image. And that cover reflects who I am now. I felt like, how can I draw what I was 30 years ago, or 40 years ago? I am that person but I’m an evolved, different version of that.

Reading the book from start to finish (which involved a lot of rereading of pieces you had published in different contexts and over three or four decades), I was struck by how many of the themes persisted throughout those years. I was also struck by how often the Bunch’s childhood seemed to come up again and again in different iterations. Why do you think these themes have stayed relevant in your work over time? How does it feel to look back on this body of work?

This collection seems very complete. I feel a great sense of relief that it exists. It covers a lot of territory, and it’s a good representation of my career as a cartoonist.

It’s not like there’s a direct evolutionary line. It goes all over the place, and keeps going back to things. There’s a period of time where you feel better, a period where you feel worse. Where you’re fatter, where you’re not in touch with your body, where you’re drinking too much, doing too many drugs, whatever it is. And I think the work reflects those different periods, but I think there’s a general trend toward fulfillment and self-awareness. Some of the early images are really out there — I was so crazy then, I was just trying to rebel against my upbringing completely. I had so much pain and so much anger. Those stories are very painful, very anger-driven. Some of the later stories are not quite so full of venom as the earlier work.

I was wondering too about how that notorious “monster” image of Blabette — the character who represents your mother — was included in this blown-up version in the index. I’ve heard you talk in the past about how that image caused you some trouble when your mother saw it.

That was the book designer’s decision, but I said it was okay because it was a very significant image in my early years. Now I get along great with my mother. She’s 90, and she’s really a character. I’ve developed a lot of compassion for her, thinking and realizing what she went through as a young mother with a pathological husband who was a liar and criminal. And she was 19 when I was born. Having been a mother and having lived a lot longer than when I first wrote those stories about her, I have much more compassion.

She also had a second husband, after my father died, and she took care of him when he was very old. She was such a wonderful caretaker that I think she evolved because of that, and I think I saw her differently after that, how much compassion she had. It made me love her and accept her so much more. And now we get along great — we enjoy each other and we have fun together. I spent February with her in Miami, Florida. We went to the gym together; we did yoga together. She schlepped to the Everglades with me to look at wild animals, which she never does. We went shopping together and we had lots of dinners with friends and family. I really had a good time.

I was interested in some of your depictions of motherhood in your comics — both the ways you depict Blabette and seeing the Bunch as a mother. I’m a new-ish mother, and it still seems rare today — though a lot less so — to get accurate and genuine depictions of some of the negative emotions and experiences involved in motherhood. How do you think being a mother affected your relationship to your work?

Robert and I both being egotistical artists, both of us felt like we were doing much more childcare than we should and neither of us felt like we had enough time to work. It was the worst that we’d ever gotten along in our whole relationship. We kind of hated each other during that early time.

And the thing that was the hardest for me, and sent me into years of therapy, was that my love for her, which was overwhelming, was painful instead of pleasurable. I couldn’t deal with that and so I went into therapy and what I finally realized, which was pretty obvious, is that I didn’t feel that from my mother. When I felt so much love for my daughter, I guess I realized I didn’t get that from my mother. So it made me feel pain rather than pleasure. And I worked on that a lot.

I think I was able to become a better mother as time went on, but in the early stages it was very difficult for me. I loved her so much — I felt like my heart had been moved to the outside of my body, and it could be pierced so easily by anything. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life as when she was a baby. It was the most overwhelming thing I’ve ever experienced. My pregnancy was easy, the birth was easy, but then when she was there, it was so hard.

Sophie now has three children. She is the most natural, best mother. And she recently said to me, “Yeah, but you were such a great mother, that’s why it’s easy for me.” I said, “Really?” I realized that I did a much better job than I thought I was doing at the time, and she does a lot of things now that I did then. I was a real hippie and I was very organic and I had cloth diapers and I hung them out in the sun and I had chickens and goats. I was really back-to-the-land California hippie. And she’s a lot like that, but in France. Being a grandmother and seeing Sophie as a mother has been a wonderful experience for me. And it has reinforced the fact that I was not a total fuck-up. At the time, I felt really inadequate and unprepared and very bad at motherhood.

I also felt guilty because I was thinking about my art and I was editing Weirdo magazine and I was doing a lot of comics then. It was the peak of my work phase of comics, and I was very productive before that. It was difficult, but I stayed productive throughout her childhood. I was able to do it somehow. Eventually, we got some childcare, but not for a while. I was too scared to leave her with anybody. And I breastfed for a long time. But gradually things got easier.

Your character talks a lot about the influence of creativity in her life. Sometimes she seems to have this kind of ambition, to produce work and be known, but sometimes she just seems to want to be able to do her work and be left alone. Other times, she wants to focus on life and love and sex. What role do you think ambition has played in your life, or your autobiographical characters’ lives?

I think I was in general ambition-impaired. But I think women have a harder time than men. For me, I’m very domestically oriented. I run a tight ship of a house and I really enjoy doing all of the domestic things, like cooking and gardening. It’s very time-consuming, but it’s also deeply satisfying. For all of my life, I’ve been torn between those kinds of “female,” domestic activities — they are totally satisfying to me — and wanting to get my voice out there in the world and participate in the general culture and have my say. I don’t think I ever had ambition in terms of caring about money or getting into movies or TV or whatever. But I do think I wanted to leave something, for posterity, in the culture. Say something. So I had that drive.

But then, I was also totally obsessed with sex and approval from men and wanting to have fun and taking drugs. All of it. It was all simultaneously going on, and there was a lot of conflict.

The way you describe it, you seem somehow more balanced than many people, who sort of zero in on one thing or the other.

Well, I managed to eke out some kind of body of work. And I managed not to be such a terrible mother, and to have a clean house. [Laughs.]

That’s superhero status, right there.

I think so too, a little bit. I was just helping my friend skim her pool, and I was thinking, I love doing this. I love working in my garden. I love cleaning and making order and aesthetic beauty in the house. It is a gratifying creative thing to me, along with everything else. I love decorating — I’m redoing another house. I take these old houses and make them beautiful again. I find that very satisfying also. It’s hard to say that one thing is necessarily more important than another.

You seem always to fluctuate between making comics and doing other stuff. This includes yoga and home decoration, but also working in other art forms, like the video and art show you collaborated on with your friend Dominique Sapel (Miami Makeover: Almost Anything for Beauty, 2012), and the paintings you do. How do you know when it’s time to make comics, or when it’s time to do something else?

Stories tend to fester in my brain and soul until they need to come out. After I’ve been working on comics for a while, and it’s so restrictive and uptight — it’s all black-and-white, these little boxes — after a while I have a huge desire to break out and do something in color. Either work on my house or decorate my house or do paintings. It kind of goes in cycles, and one reacts to the other. And then if I’ve only been working on my house, I might find I need to do something more meaningful and intellectual, and stop and go in my studio.

Sometimes I feel crazy, like I’m running from one to the other. But on the other hand, one thing informs the other. It’s also seasonal. When the spring comes, I want to start planting flowers like crazy. I feel more out there and I don’t want to be confined inside, so I work less. Now I have three grandkids, so I play with the children a lot and take care of them to help Sophie. And I love that too. That’s also creative and satisfying.

Another issue that comes up a lot in your work, and seems to be a uniting theme of the new story you included in Love That Bunch, “Dream House,” is money and class. Why do you think you have such an interest in the topic?

My grandparents were very successful and very comfortable and for the first five years of my life they lived in a big house and I was there a lot. I was very influenced by my grandmother, who had impeccable 1920s furniture. She was very elegant. She dressed beautifully. My fashion and decorating sense definitely come from her. Then when I was five, my parents moved to a very modern 1950s house and my father was a bum and a pathological liar and he never had any money. But they moved to a very fancy area where everyone had money and we had no money and I was always ashamed of my parents and my house and my outfits. I think part of my obsession with it was being in a place where everyone had that stuff and I didn’t, and feeling very inferior.

Later, when the 1960s came, I realized that was all bullshit, all of it, and I was kind of angry about having been raised in such a horrible place with such bad values. I had to deal with those things for a very long time in order to come to terms with them. And gradually, Robert and I developed our own reality with our own values and a bohemian lifestyle. We were poor at times, we had money at times. But that wasn’t what made our life rich. We found other ways of being rich, and that was cultural and trading things with people and being able to grow things and eating our own food and being able to fix things ourselves. We discovered a whole other way of life that had nothing to do with how I grew up. Gradually, I evolved beyond my upbringing. But in the beginning, having been subject to that value system and not having the tools or the equipment to deal with it was a very painful and difficult thing.

Lots of critics have focused on the traumas you depict in your work: sexual and physical and emotional violence. I noticed, in rereading your work in this new form, that there were several stories throughout the book that touched on issues of grief. One was about the loss of your father, another was about the loss of a grandparent. And there was a bit, toward the end, in your new story, that seemed to touch on grief in relation to your brother’s life and your relationship with him. All of this is done with your characteristically over-the-top sense of humor interspersed throughout. Why do you think you’re so drawn to the comedic, even when writing and drawing about these darker topics and themes?

I can’t tell a story unless there’s humor involved. I was raised with stand-up comics in New York, like Jackie Mason, Joey Bishop, Alan King, Henny Youngman, and Don Rickles. That kind of humor is really soulful to me. There’s a history of Jewish humor and storytelling where it’s somewhat self-deprecating. There’s pain and pleasure involved, but there’s also always this fatalistic dark humor about all of it. That’s what makes me want to tell a story — when I can see all of those sides to it.

I could see the absurdity of some of these grief rituals. Like, you’re sitting shiva and instead of sitting on wooden benches they give you cardboard boxes and my overweight relatives caved in the boxes. It’s almost this incredible social commentary about family deterioration at the same time. While I was grieving with my family, as it was happening, I was also thinking, my god, this is unbelievable. I’m really interested in these things happening simultaneously. That’s what makes a story to me: weaving together all of those details and contradictions because that’s how life is. It’s not linear, there’s not one theme. You’re weaving a tapestry. That’s what’s good art to me. And literature too. That’s what I want to read myself.

Are you thinking of any literature in particular? What do you read?

I read a lot of comics. I love Phoebe Gloeckner and Julie Doucet. Alison Bechdel, Carol Tyler. I love Chester Brown and I love Dan Clowes and Chris Ware and all these artists. And I love Lena Dunham and Broad City and Amy Sedaris.

I think it’s all linear, from my work to that. Whether or not they read my work, it’s in the collective unconscious and that autobiographical style of work has developed and spread. I’m always interested in reading that kind of stuff. One of my favorite writers is Jean Rhys. And I also like John Fante and Bukowski and writers from that period, too.

Lately I’ve been trying to keep up with The New Yorker and journalism because I’m so concerned with what’s happening in the United States. So I’ve been reading nonfiction since Trump got elected, to try to figure out what’s going on, and listening to good radio shows too, which I stream from France. I can’t ignore it.

I’ve spoken with a lot of cartoonists who like listening to radio while they work.

Yes. I listen to radio while I’m drawing. I can’t listen to it when I’m writing, but when I’m drawing I’ll stream NPR. I go to KQED in San Francisco, I go to KCRW in Los Angeles, I go to WNYC in New York. I go all over the country to try and figure things out. I also listen to BBC and French radio stations. I listen to ARTE Radio, which is German and French, and I try and get as much input as I can. Especially having grandkids, I wanna have some hope. I do have hope — I have hope that young women are going to take over from the fucked-up old white men, and that’s my hope.

This leads nicely into another question I had, which is about role models and mentorship. In one of your pieces about being in art school, you show the Bunch having a female art professor and finally feeling encouraged in her work, at least for a time. You’ve also been an important role model and champion of autobiographical comics for lots and lots of cartoonists — from Phoebe Gloeckner and Julie Doucet to Gabrielle Bell and Lauren Weinstein and Vanessa Davis. Could you talk about role models and mentorship — whether you feel like you had any, and what, if anything, you feel is your role as a pioneering creator?

I came from a fine arts background and started as a painter. My role models were Frida Kahlo and Alice Neel. Those were the two who influenced me most in terms of my style and how I saw I could express myself. And then Justin Green also, who wrote Binky Brown Meets the Holy Virgin Mary (1972), the first autobiographical comic as far as I know. He influenced me a lot. When I first went to San Francisco, I went there to meet him because I was very influenced by his work.

I also loved Little Lulu comics when I was a kid. Those were the only comics I really read a lot. And I think of Little Lulu as an early feminist character — she was tough and strong, and I really liked that a lot.

I have had friends in my life, too, who were strong women, who have had an influence on me — some older friends. I had one friend who passed away. She said things to me in my life at moments when it was really important. And I have one cousin who is younger than me that I feel I had a really good influence on. We’re close friends and I think I steered her in a direction away from our horrible family values and into a much better way of being.

I’ve met so many inspiring younger people on this book tour. I’m happy about that. What more could you hope for, than that people will keep doing good work and even better work? Because the graphic novel is considered an important art form, people actually study it and learn it and they’re better than we were. We were just groping around, trying to figure out how to make comic books. There was no history and not much precedent — nothing really to base one’s work on. A lot of the work was really crude and not really self-realized in a lot of ways. The work I see now is better — it’s really impressive. And comics have themselves been influential. Alison Bechdel’s work is a Broadway show, and Lena Dunham’s work seems like it could have been influenced by early comics.

In 1976, I drew myself on the cover of [the first issue of all-female comic anthology] Twisted Sisters, sitting on the toilet. And then Lena Dunham put herself on the toilet on an episode of Girls. When I saw that, I fell out of my chair. People said I was crazy and brave for drawing myself, but that’s just a drawing — you can be distanced from it. But she put herself on the toilet on-screen, and I was blown away by that.

Looking back, do you still feel a connection to these earlier versions of yourself on the page? Or are they just characters you used to know?

There’s a connection, but it’s more and more distant, and I feel like a much more evolved creature than I was then, thank god. I don’t use any substances, I’m much more clear-headed, I have replaced alcohol and drugs and cigarettes with yoga for the last 25 years and that’s a very positive change in my life. It took me a long time to get there. Meditation has been a great tool for me as well, and it has helped me so much. I still incorporate that early self in myself. I think it helps me feel compassionate toward young people.

People can really fuck up when they’re young and still come out of it, as long as they don’t die of a drug overdose or get in a car accident while drinking. As long as you stay alive, there’s hope.

¤

Tahneer Oksman is the author of “How Come Boys Get to Keep Their Noses?”: Women and Jewish American Identity in Contemporary Graphic Memoirs.

The post As Long as You Stay Alive There’s Hope: An Interview with Aline Kominsky-Crumb appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books https://ift.tt/2zDCFz8

#Los Angeles Review of Books #topmixtrends