#I meant to finish writing this last night but I was off a Benadryl so i passed out

[puthyflapps]

Girl you can write and write WELL why tf aren't you giving us the shoni fics we deserve 😭 I kid i kid but LIKE.. just give us a little smutty one shot that fills in the blanks from their moment in the woods after Toni said i love you. Or finish Shelby's thought when she kissed her against the tree, lets just pretend Toni never stopped her.

Me and my 8th grade writing skills purrrr 😌💅🏼🫶🏻

I’ve had several ideas swimming around in my head but none were v smutty but I could slide it in there 😉🥁

N e waysss, the following are my vague ideas:

🏀 I brought this up in the tags of a post a couple days ago:

Shelby giving Toni the silent treatment after she doesn’t pick her to be on her team when the girls decide to split into teams and compete against one another again. Toni starring wide eyed at the blonde as she goes on this long winded rant about how she hadn’t expected to be picked first – noting that she was aware that her girlfriend would obviously choose Martha, her sister, ahead of the blonde. That was perfectly fine, ya know, because Shelby was convinced that she at least had the second or third slot locked up. But evidently that wasn’t the case as she was forced to watch Toni skip over her time and time again in favor of picking other girls. Long story short, the way Sarah mutters these hilarious one liners in the background lead me to think about Shelby bickering with Toni and what Leah’s reaction would be if Shelby were to stare right into Toni’s eyes and state with so much conviction and frustration lining her voice, “you picked Leah over me.”

🏀 Now this one is definitely on the sad side but:

Shoni as secret high school sweethearts that have been planning to run away so they can be together. Dave catches wind of the plan and shows up at Toni’s workplace after closing on the night they plan to catch a greyhound out of Fort Travis. He corners her and begins to ask if she's really thought this all through, like, has she really stopped for a moment and thought about how she plans to support herself and Shelby. He explains further, noting that he's well aware of the fact that his daughter seeks to see the good in everybody and in every situation; that she believes wholeheartedly in this idea of a true love that can overcome anything but he's certain that Toni knows better than that. Toni is not unfamiliar with the harsh realities of life and the ugliness that bubbles below the surface of most people. So, he begs her to spare Shelby before its too late and things have gotten far too serious. He pleads with her to understand that she'll be alone once Toni inevitably splits on her when things get a little too real -- just like her own parents have done many times before.

In summation, I think the most depressing, heartbreaking visual ever is one of Shelby waiting for hours at a bus stop all alone, wondering where Toni is and what's going on. Even more heart wrenching is the moment where it finally sinks in that she's not coming and Shelby is forced to call Dave to come get her and he spends the rest of the night explaining to her that this was all just God's will -- that he was teaching her a lesson. Bouncing off of that, imagine if the bus stop stuff was all in the past but the present sees Shelby showing up at Toni's doorstep because she's trying to flee her husband or sumn and she doesn't know where else to go. Basically, we learn that all the internalized homophobia she had been so dead set on scraping out of herself comes crashing down on her when Toni abandons her. In the years following this heartbreak we learn she's been punishing herself for going against everything she had been taught by her church and her father. She's given into the full comphet life and its utterly miserable. Toni is gonna be just absolutely swallowed up by guilt but that's angst for ya.

🏀 Okay so this one is also giving us secret high school sweethearts but I believe its not sad so yay. I have these two ideas floating around and the first scene or whatever takes place on the night of Valentine's Day:

Once its dark outside Toni sneaks in to see Shelby via her bedroom window. She fumbled her way through the window before clumsily finding her way into the other girl’s arms. They kissed one another in excitement, basking in the warmth of their love for one another before finally breaking away so that they could exchange gifts. Cards were first; Shelby’s cheeks tinged pink as she slid hers over to Toni and the basketball player knew immediately that her girlfriend no doubt spent many hours deliberating over which card to get. She’s sure that the blonde studied each one, pouring over each and every line, making sure to select the perfect one. When Toni finally opened it, she was not at all surprised to see what she’d come to learn was the most beautiful handwriting in the world. It'd all made Toni a little nervous to hand over the slightly crumpled card she'd been concealing in her book bag all day. Toni did her best to flatten the edges out some before hastily shoving the envelope into the other girl’s hands. Shelby didn’t seem to mind the minor imperfections. If anything, it only seemed to make her love it even more. A reflection of how she’d always looked past Toni’s rough exterior because she knew what mattered most lied on the inside.

When they moved onto the gifts that was when the realization that Shelby wanted to lose her virginity to Toni settled in. There’d been a battle raging inside her for some time now. The part of her that was nothing more than a young girl in love versus the constrictive expectations placed on her by the church and her father. But there, in that moment, all the doubts and the raging voices in her mind faded away. Holding, in her hands, that necklace with the beautiful bee pendant, she knew that Toni was the one she’d share her first time with and so she’d told her just as much. Right in the middle of Toni’s nervous rambling; right in the middle of her long winded explanation about how she had thought that Shelby could wear it as this silent acknowledgment of the love the two of them shared.

Okie that description got a tad bit away from me but that whole thing ties into the other scene that I’m not going to go into detail about to save myself some energy. But, basically Toni gets hurt during a basketball game and Shelby just throws all caution to the wind. She takes off to meet the injured girl on the court and that’s when their relationship comes to light. Right then, in front of the whole school. Drama 🫶🏻

🏀 alright so these are very brief ideas that have no other thots surrounding them:

- Toni showing up on Shelby’s doorstep one night because she got kicked out of her latest foster home and she’s got nowhere else to go

- Shelby holding a tissue or cloth to Toni’s nose that’s currently pouring blood because, you guessed it, she was fighting

- Toni being a part of a rock/punk band and her and Shelby always bicker. Shelby says that she doesn’t like her music and she’s always teasing Toni about how they don’t have any songs that aren’t full of anger. The first song Toni ever writes and preforms that’s stripped down and soft is for Shelby and you guessed it again, the song is Matilda by Harry Styles 💀

Ummmm I think that’s all I got rn

#I had to use emojis as bullets because tumblr wasn’t formatting the way I wanted #I meant to finish writing this last night but I was off a Benadryl so i passed out #gotta get me some anti drowsy medicine 🥴 #this was low-key kinda long #i didn't mean to delve into some weird details here but oh well #the wilds #shoni #toni x shelby #shoni fic

[helplessly-nonstop]

Quarantine Cutie (A.I. imagine)

As a celebration for finishing my finals, I decided to finish my Ashton quarantine fic! Thank you so much @wrestlingfae​ for enabling in writing this piece! She’s a true all-star! Anyway! Let’s get into it! Ashton and OFC reader are roommates. Reader has a cough from their allergies so Ash quarantines them to their room. 

WC: 4659 

Warnings: bit of angst, fluff, kisses, that’s really all 

Ashton was always a good roommate, I truly couldn’t ask for anyone better. But being in quarantine brought out the affectionate side of him. At first, I thought nothing of it. It started when I had coughed out on the patio, due to the smoke that had blown in with wind. The glass door slid open and Ash raised an eyebrow at me, asking, “Is everything okay? Heard you cough.” 

I laughed quietly and gestured towards the neighbor’s firepit, chiming, “They’re having a bonfire, just got some smoke in my face.” He nodded in understanding then stretched out his water bottle to me as he offered, “You want a drink to wash the smoke away?” Thinking nothing of it, I took a sip and passed it back, watching as the smoke rose into the sky, forming clouds that complimented the midnight sky. 

Ashton waved me inside and I leaned into him, muttering, “I’m so tired. How much longer do you think we’re going to be quarantined?” He shrugged then tugged me onto the couch, curling underneath a blanket before he turned on Netflix, replying, “I dunno, hoping not long. Whatcha wanting to watch tonight?” I curled into his side and muttered, “Hell, you pick. I really don’t care.”

One of the perks of being in quarantine was that Ashton was home much more. The only time he really left the house as of right now was to get groceries. But since he was the one bringing home groceries, I was often the one in charge of putting the food away. One day I decided to bake but unfortunately, I couldn’t find sugar. 

“Yo, Ash, do we have any more sugar?” I called out, rifling through the cupboards in search of sugar to mix into my coffee. When I didn’t receive an answer, I grumbled and walked into his room, pausing when I noticed that he was on a Zoom call with the boys. I snuck behind him and formed bunny ears with my fingers, moving them. Calum grinned as he realized that Ash wasn’t alone then Luke and Michael took notice of my presence. My roommate glanced up at his own square and pursed his lips as he turned to me. 

“Need something, sweetheart?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as I dropped my bunny ears. I waved to the boys then answered, “Sugar. Do we have anymore or are we out?” He paused at the question and I let him mull over the question before he replied, “Cupboard beside the fridge behind the brown sugar, there should be a small bag of sugar cubes. I’ll put it on the list.” I nodded in understanding then kissed his cheek, saying, “You’re the best. See you guys later!” 

I grinned when I realized that his cheeks were now pink then left the room, delighted that I managed to draw a blush from my cool headed roommate before I returned to the kitchen, prepared to make cookies. By the time Ashton had ended his call, I was nearly finished with banking, content with the size and taste of my delicious creations. 

“Looks good. Mind if I have one?” he asked, gesturing down to the counter covered with cookies. I waved an inviting hand towards the baked goods and answered, “Be my guest, I’m not going to eat them all.” He grabbed and grabbed two cookies off the wax paper before gifting me with a kiss on the cheek. I ducked my head as I felt my face flush then pulled the last batch of cookies from the oven, placing them on the last bit of space on the counter. 

“Mm, these are amazing. I can’t believe how good you are at making cookies.” he praised as he finished his first cookie. I smiled at him then replied, “All you do is follow a recipe, Ash, it isn’t hard.” He ruffled my hair then chimed, “Eh, Who needs to follow recipes when you can make them for us?” 

Having such a good roommate, I was sure that I wouldn’t go stir crazy with him. But that was before the pollen came in. My allergies began to flare with the spring season and this year decided to gift me with an awful cough. The first few times, my roommate just glanced over at me with concern in his eyes but let it slide nonetheless. As my coughing became more violent, however, he decided to draw the line. In fact, the line rested at the doorway of my room. 

Ashton had shoved me inside my room with a bag of snacks then slammed the door behind me, locking it. In the moment, I remembered that I never switched my door handle to have the lock on the inside of the door then I pounded at the door and snapped, “Ashton Irwin, what the hell do you think you’re doing?! I told you, it’s just a cough, I have allergies!” 

“Sorry, kid, I can’t risk it! Just lay down, relax for a couple days, doctors recommend fourteen days actually!” he replied, clearly leaning against the door. I paced at the foot of my bed and retorted, “Oh my god, I don’t have the coronavirus, would you let me out already? This is ridiculous.” He unlocked the door and peeked his head in as he said, “Let’s make a deal. You self isolate for a week. I bring you meals and meds, do the cleaning. You can just relax, no big deal.” 

I narrowed my eyes at him and muttered, “Fine, whatever. Can I have some Benadryl?” Ashton raised an eyebrow at me then asked, “When was the last time you ate?” I began thinking back to when I last ate and apparently, I took too long to answer because Ashton chirped, “I’ll bring you something to eat, don’t move.” 

Sighing, I settled underneath my covers and turned on Netflix. Being isolated to my room would allow me time to start and possibly finish a show, which made this isolation a bit better but overall I wasn’t thrilled to do this. 

Sure enough, however,  Ash returned with a bowl of soup with an old bandana modified into a mask. I pursed my lips at him, unimpressed with the caution he was taking, then stated, “I told you, it’s just allergies. You can’t catch allergies, Ash.” 

“Sorry, sweetheart, can’t risk it. Here, it’s vegetable beef soup, nice and hearty to knock that cold. Yell for me when you’re done and I’ll bring you Benadryl.” I nodded in understanding then began eating my food after Ashton disappeared back into the living room. The soup was warm and managed to quell my cough long enough for my roommate to check back in. 

“Hey, kid, how you feelin’?”he asked, claiming the foot of my bed as I passed him my now empty bowl. I cleared my throat as I sunk deeper into my blankets then answered, “Pretty okay. My ribs hurt from coughing though.” He cradled my side and murmured, “I’m sorry, I know how that feels. You ready for some allergy meds?” I nodded and he passed me my water that was sitting beside my bed then shook a pill into the palm of my hand. 

I took the medicine and Ashton stood up before brushing the hair out of my eyeline then stated, “I’ll be back in to check on you in an hour, sweetheart. Make sure you stay propped up, ‘kay? If it is just a cough from allergies, it’ll help it drain and make it easier to cough.” I nodded in understanding then he left my room, allowing me to settle back into my Netflix binge. 

When my roommate did return, the allergy medicine had already taken effect, luring me into a delightful nap. As I woke up, I realized that Netflix was currently wondering if I was still there, which meant that I had slept longer than I intended. I began to crawl out of bed, just as my door opened, revealing Ashton holding a plate. 

“Hey; you’re awake! Only took you three hours to wake up. I’m guessing you’re hungry though.”he stated, handing me my plate. I smiled in thanks then murmured, “Starving actually. I appreciate you making me food. I really do have the best roommate a person could ask for.” Ash flushed with color and scratched the back of his neck as he chimed, “Yeah well, you’d do the same for me. Alright, I’ll leave you be, let you eat. Lemme know when you’re done so I can grab your plate.” 

I nodded in understanding and Ashton took his leave once again, desperate to stay healthy as possible. 

The first two days went smooth, with Ashton checking on me occasionally through the day, bringing me water, food, and medicine when I requested it. However, by the third day, the annoyance had set in. Isolation makes even the kindest person cranky and when your roommate actively avoids you aside from bringing you the essentials you need, it only brings out the worst of a person. 

Ashton had peeked in once again, a half an hour before he was originally “scheduled” to, just to question, “You good, bro?” I pulled a stray pillow from the pile then threatened, “Ashton, I really do appreciate you checking in on me but I swear to God, I’ll chuck a pillow at your head if you ask me if I’m good again.” He flashed that familiar smile then tipped his head at me before leaving me once again. 

But just an hour later, he gave a soft knock to my door, allowing me time to grab a pillow but as he began to slip inside and took notice of my weapon, he shouted, “Wait, I have food! Don’t fire!” I began to lower my pillow then questioned, “What kind of food?” 

“Your favorite, nice and hot. C’mon, you don’t want me to drop this!” he insisted, offering the food to me. I pursed my lips at him and asked, “Is this a peace offering for you being so overbearing?” 

“You think I’m being overbearing?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing together as he frowned. I paused  at the tone of his voice before taking a bite then answered, “Kinda? Not in a bad way, more of a big brother way.” Ashton stared down at me in silence, those hazel eyes churning with a multitude of emotions, and backed out of the room with a quiet, “Just set your bowl on your night stand.” 

I stared down at the meal he made and cursed the way that my stomach turned in protest, desperate to find out what I had said that made him turn away so quickly, but decided that I needed to eat before I began to construct possible theories behind Ashton’s sudden departure from my room. 

Unfortunately though, I didn’t get the chance to ask him that night. My allergy medicine had already taken root and I was asleep by the time that he had come in to collect my dishes and give me a fresh water bottle. 

When the morning came, I had decided to get up and walk around the house for a bit. Unfortunately Ashton was out doing errands so I was unable to ask him. I made me a bowl of cereal and settled at the dining room table in hopes that my roommate would be back soon. But alas, an hour passed and he still wasn’t home, so I resigned to my bed once again.  

Just as I cracked open the door, my phone began to ring with the FaceTime tone and my heart leaped with the possibility of it being Ashton, once for my hopes to be cracked. It was Michael, likely calling to check in. Knowing my roommate, he had told the boys what was going on. 

“Hey, Ash told me you’re sick. What’s goin’ on, you catch corona?” Mikey asked after I answered the FaceTime call. I scowled at the mention of me being sick then protested, “I do not have the fucking coronavirus, I just have allergies, so he’s isolating me.” My friend raised an eyebrow at the statement and replied, “You know he’s just doing it because he cares about you.” 

“Yeah, I know, he’s in full big brother mode but now he’s not talking to me.” I said, shifting against the mound of pillows I had constructed behind me. I could see the confliction in Michael’s eyes as he became silent, clearly debating on how he was going to respond to what I said, then he asked, “Ashton… not talking to you while you’re sick. What’d you do?” 

“I- I kind of told him that he was being overbearing in a big brother sort of way then he left and I’m pretty sure that he’s avoiding me now.” We stared at one another then Michael stated plainly, “You’re pretty dense if you haven’t figured out that Ashton doesn’t want to play the big brother role with you.” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I demanded, sitting up. His emerald eyes narrowed at my question then he answered, venom lining his tone, “Ask him that yourself.” Almost on cue, I heard the front door open and shut, alerting me that Ashton had returned from his errands for the week. I glanced back to the call then Mikey assured me, “Just go talk to him. I’ll check on you later.” I nodded in understanding and slid out of bed before I peeked out of my room, surprised to see that Ashton had brought back takeout for lunch. 

I shut my door behind me and he glanced towards me, surprised to see that I emerged from my bedroom then he gestured towards one of the bags, murmuring, “Your food’s in that one.” My chest panged at the coldness of his gesture but still, I smiled and took the lunch he brought, chiming, “Thank you, I appreciate it.” He nodded and turned away, as if he was willing me to disappear before I stated, “Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. About last night, I’m sorry that I called you overbearing. I know that you’re just trying to take care of me.” 

Ashton kept his back to me for a few seconds then he turned with a bright smile across his face, assuring me, “Kid, it’s no big deal. I know I can go a little far with people who I care about. I’m sorry if I crossed a line. You should take your food and go back to your room though, I really don’t want to catch anything.” I nodded in understanding then grabbed my food before making my way back to my room, satisfied that we were back to normal. God I was fucking wrong though. 

For the next two days, Ashton actively avoided me at every turn. He brought me an unopened pack of allergy pills, both drowsy and non-drowsy, along with a small case of water to keep at the foot of my bed. Anytime he brought me food, he would simply hand it to me and walk right back out. 

Thankfully my cough was finally gone, so I emerged when I heard him play his drums, the sounds vibrating through the walls of our home. His practice room was at the far end of the house and I couldn’t help but hum along to the beat he was playing. If memory was serving me correctly, it was Thin White Lies, a song that had broken my heart the first time I was allowed to listen to it.  

I cracked open the door wide enough to slip into the room and watched as my roommate continued to drum, losing himself in the music that he had worked so hard on. His hair flopped with the beat and I couldn’t help but snicker at the sight, shaking my head. And silly me, I just happened to do so, just as he started a rest. 

I cursed under my breath when Ashton glanced up, shoulders heaving as he caught his breath then he said simply, “Sup kid.” 

“You’re avoiding me.” I pointed out simply, toying with the hem of my shirt. He blinked up at me, setting his drum sticks at his feet, then asked, “Why do you say that?” I stared at him and took a small step forward, exclaiming, “You’re not even denying it! Ashton, you’ve barely said ten words to me in the last three days! Was it because I called you overbearing?” 

He took a deep breath and claimed his water bottle from the floor then began making his way out of the room, only for me to grab his hand, insisting, “See, you’re just brushing me off! Listen, just tell me what I did wrong, I’m sorry! I’m not a damn mind reader!” He brushed me off and replied almost coldly, “You don’t need to be a mind reader to know why I’m avoiding you, kid.” 

“Dammit Ashton, just give me a straight answer, why are you pissed off at me!?” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. He sighed and glanced over his shoulder before he replied, “You called me overbearing, said I was acting like your big brother. I don’t want to be your brother. Simple as that. Now, please, just let me have a few hours to myself.” 

“That’s why you’re avoiding me? Why didn’t you just say that before, I told you I was sorry about it!” I insisted, half tempted to stomp my foot to get my point across. My roommate stared at me for a few moments then he snapped, “I’m avoiding you because I’m tired of having this same damn argument with you. So just get out of my practice room and leave me alone.” 

We glared at each other for a few seconds then I stormed out, slamming the door for good measure before stalking into my room. I paced the length (and width) of my bed before I finally got dizzy and decided to take a seat. I tapped my fingers together and laid back, staring at the swirls of my ceiling then I considered calling Michael, only to decide against it. Something told me that if I called him, it would only end in an argument much like it did with Ashton and I. 

A few hours later my stomach began to growl so I decided to go make food, quickly deciding on grilled cheese as my simple dinner. After fixing my sandwiches, I considered sitting at the table, hoping that Ashton would come out for his own food but returned to my room nonetheless. Whenever we had a fight, it would take at least a couple hours for both of us to become level headed once again, so it was better for us to stay on opposite sides of the house for now. 

I tried falling asleep after finishing my dinner but insomnia decided to make a pit stop inside my mind, driving me to watch Criminal Minds before my stomach began to growl again. I frowned at the sound and grumbled when I realized that I would need to eat before I was able to fall asleep, so I walked out of my room in search of something to eat. 

I rummaged through the cabinets, quickly eliminating anything that I had to stand and cook, then decided on a bowl of cereal to sate my hunger for the night. I grabbed a bowl and spoon then pulled the milk from the fridge after pouring my chosen cereal before completing my simple one in the morning meal. I glanced to my bedroom door then decided against taking the cereal to bed and curled up on the couch to eat while I continued to watch Criminal Minds on my phone.

I was so engorged in eating my cereal and watching the current episode of Criminal Minds that I didn’t even hear Ashton approach me until he asked, “What are you doing? It’s one in the morning.” I glanced up at his question and back down at my cereal before I answered, “I uh… I got hungry. I guess grilled cheese isn’t all that satisfying unless you have something else to eat with it.” 

“So you’re eating cereal?” I stared guiltily down at the floor then replied, “Cereal is filling, especially at one in the morning when you’re too tired to make yourself an actual meal, Ashton.” After a few more moments of silence, he claimed the space beside me and settled into the cushions, watching as the BAU chased after an unsub, then I returned to eating my food. When I finished my bowl, I set it on the small coffee table and murmured, “Mind if I lean on you?” His eyes flickered towards me in surprise and he gave a small nod, saying, “Go for it.” 

I curled into his side and he sat stiffly against me as I tried to focus on my show once again. But our argument from earlier in the week was weighing on my mind and the tugging in my chest refused to quit until I murmured, “I want to talk about our fight.” 

“I was being overbearing, you didn’t want me to be. So, I stopped. In my eyes, there’s nothing to talk about.” Ashton stated, focused on the television. I sat up and stared at him as I insisted, “I wasn’t being fair to you! You were just trying to take care of me and I was a bitch to you.” 

“You really want to talk about this at one in the morning?” he drawled, coming to a stand. I huffed and jumped to my feet, snapping, “Yes, I know it’s one in the morning, would you quit bringing that up?! You refuse to talk to me through the day, so yeah, why not the middle of the fucking night?” He tilted his head at me then asked, “Have you even considered why I don’t want to talk about this? Why Michael told you that I didn’t want to play big brother to you?” 

“Yes! I know I’m not a child, Ashton, so of course you don’t want to play big brother! You already have to do that with your actual siblings, why would you want to do that with your roommate?” I retorted, running a hand through my hair. He gave a small chuckle, void of humor, then stated, “I’m well-aware of the fact that you’re not a child. In fact, that’s one of the reasons why I didn’t want to be seen as a big brother to you. God you’re fucking blind if you really don’t know the real reason why I took care of you when you had your cold.” 

“Then call me Ray Charles because I can’t see what everyone else can apparently!” I snapped, throwing my hands into the air. He stifled a small chuckle and replied, “You’re so much more beautiful than Ray Charles is.” I paused at the compliment, not expecting that statement before the pieces of this unnecessarily difficult puzzle known as Ashton and I’s relationship began to fall into place. 

“Y-You call me sweetheart. You just called me beautiful. Oh my fucking god, you didn’t want me saying that you were acting like my older brother because you like me. You like me even though I exceed the dense meter. I’m a thousand on a one to ten scale of how blind I am to how people feel about me.” I stuttered, raising my hands to chew on my nails, only for Ashton to place a gentle hand over my fingers before they met my lips. 

“Don’t… I should’ve been more straightforward like the boys suggested me to do.”my roommate replied, shrugging. My mouth fell open then I rushed out, “How long have you been flirting with me?” 

“Probably about a year and a half? Maybe more, lads probably know the exact amount, bastards would always ask me if I made an official move on you but the answer was always the same. Didn’t seem like the right time.” I stared at the dark haired man then sunk to my knees, whining, “Oh my god, you’ve been flirting with me for the last year and a half and I never noticed. Someone take my vision away, I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve my common sense either, holy shit, I really didn’t realize that you were flirting. I thought I was just projecting my feelings onto whatever you said so I did my best to ignore it but fuck, you were actually flirting. And I blew you off.” 

“On the bright side, I won the bet that I’d admit my feelings to you during quarantine. Granted, this wasn’t exactly the scenario I was imagining, but oh well.” Ashton laughed quietly, scratching the back of his neck as he settled beside me on the floor. I pressed my face to his shoulder then groaned, muttering, “Why didn’t you say anything? I’m so blind to actual advances and you just let me continue thinking we were only roommates.” 

He cupped my face and I met his gaze, nearing sighing at the softness of his eyes before he admitted softly, “You were the best damn roommate I ever had. I didn’t want to lose you just because you knew that I had been crushing on you for the last year and you didn’t feel the same way.” I pulled him into a tight hug and mumbled, “You're going to make me cry then I’m going to be mad cause my sinuses are going to act up.” He laughed quietly and tugged me to my feet before he assured me, “I’m not trying to make you cry, I’m just being honest with you, sweetheart.” 

Ashton glanced down at me and flashed a smile, brushing my hair out of my face then he asked, “Can I have a kiss?” I smiled softly at him and replied, “Are you going to stop quarantining me in my room when my allergies flare up again?” He chuckled and cupped my face, murmuring, “I suppose it could be arranged, sweetheart.” 

“Kiss me then.”  He leaned into me and kissed me, a hand sliding into my hair as I grabbed his shoulders, sighing into the kiss. He pulled back with a grin across his face and murmured, “I’ve been waiting to do that for so long.” My eyes fluttered up then I replied, “Do it again then.” 

The next day, Ashton was once again on a call with the boys and I was on lunch making duty, since he had been so kind to make all of my meals during this last week. I knocked quietly on the door and he turned in his chair to face me, that bright smile across his face, chirping, “Oh, food! Thank you, sweetheart, you’re the best!” 

I blushed at the attention he had drawn to me and I could see Michael grin as Calum and Luke exchanged impressed glances before I quickly kissed Ash on the cheek, beginning to walk back out, only for him to grab my hand and tug me backwards, whining, “Come back, baby, I want an actual kiss.” 

I laughed at his insistence and leaned down to meet him for a kiss as he set his food on his desk. He groaned as I pulled away then waved at the boys, chiming, “See you guys soon hopefully!” They waved back in return and I bent down to whisper in Ashton’s ear, “You hurry up with your call and food and there might be a little surprise for you in your bedroom.” 

His eyes widened at the implication and bit his bottom lip before he muttered, “You’re going to be the death of me.” I let out a laugh and exited the room, shaking my head. Quarantine wasn’t so bad after all.

#my fics #ashton irwin #ashton irwin fluff #ashton irwin angst #ashton irwin imagines #ashton irwin fics #michael 5sos #5sos imagines #5sos fluff #5sos fics #5sos angst #5sos #5 seconds of summer imagines #5 seconds of summer fics #5 seconds of summer fluff #5 seconds of summer angst

[whispersandwhiskerburn]

The Christmas Con

Angel’s 2017 Christmas Drabble #5 (Christmas Drabbles List)

Request: @plaidstiel-wormstache said: OMC OMC OMC - Dean, the impala, mistletoe hanging from the rearview mirror.  Pairing: Dean x Reader Word Count: 1,820 Warnings: Dean is being a bit of a Grinch. Kinda relationship angst/kinda fluffy? Flangst maybe? Reader is a bit maudlin at one point, but I’d call this fluffy and cute...idk, you guys tell me. Author’s Note: This image in my head was great, and I wish I had a gif of it. Thanks for always providing such great inspiration to my writing, Jess. :) Also, it was almost painful how many times I messed up while trying to switch to first person narration on this fic, but I wanted to try on your favorite style for your request. 

Even from the beginning, I knew life on the road with the Winchesters wasn’t always going to be easy.

Frankly, they both could be rather grouchy, Dean especially. Around the holidays it always seemed to be worse.

Don’t misunderstand--I love them both, but sometimes….

“Dean, seriously? That’s the third time!”

The three of you had just checked into yet another off-putting hotel for the third time so far this December. No case this time, at least not yet, just moving on to a new spot after the conclusion of a last one before the local cops started asking too many questions about the paperwork.

And at all three hotels, Dean had made a point of sneering at the clerk’s “Merry Christmas” greeting and accidentally knocking over or damaging some piece of Christmas decoration in their lobby. Sam was doing his best to ignore it, picking his battles I guess, but I’d about had enough of this Grinchy-behavior.

“What?” His voice was immediately on the defensive as he dropped his suitcase on the bed closest to the window. Sam had made a bee-line for the bathroom, the coward, as I squared off against my boyfriend.

“‘What?’ nothing. You know exactly what I’m talking about, Ebenezer. And don’t even!”

His mouth had been open, the words ‘bah’ and ‘humbug’ hovering on his lips when I’d preempted him.

“What exactly is your beef against Christmas anyway? I know you and Sam fought off that pagan Christmas deity pair, and you didn’t have the greatest Christmases growing up, but does that mean you have to stomp over everyone else’s good mood on the holidays?”

My hands were on my hips, and I was even surprised myself at how vehemently I was arguing the issue. Dean’s attitude must have been bugging me more than I’d realized.

He looked genuinely surprised by my rant too, sitting down on the bed and pulling me close to him.

“Why does it matter, Y/N? Christmas is really just another day on the job for us anyway, and it’s not really the holiday mood I have an issue with, it’s people who are cheery for no reason whatsoever. They bug me the other 11 months of the year too, but you don’t call me out about it then.

“So the real question, Y/N, is what’s got you so hot and bothered?”

If he had asked it in a condescending way, or accusing, I probably would have kicked his ass on principle. But a sincere Dean Winchester was a hard thing to resist or get mad at.

I rested my hands on his shoulders and took a deep breath, trying to figure out what was bugging me so much. It didn’t take long.

“I’m new to this hunting game, Dean. I didn’t grow up in it like you--Hell, I didn’t even know monsters were real until I was an adult. My childhood… it wasn’t perfect, but I can remember Christmas being amazing, and a part of me misses it. Decorating, shopping for the perfect gift, the excitement on Christmas morning, going sledding and ice skating, quiet time with family, making snowmen and snow angels….”

My voice drifted off as I lost myself in memories for a moment. Dean brought me back to Earth with a gentle squeeze on my hips through my sweatshirt and denim.

“Babe, that sounds nice and everything, but we don’t really do Christmas. It’s all for tourists--with the wrapping paper and the shopping and the nativity scenes. It’s not really part of the hunter lifestyle, you know? Sometimes you just have to let those things go.”

I eyed him, judging if he meant it or not.

Maybe he was right. Hunting didn’t leave time for much caroling or candy canes. Maybe this was just another adjustment I’d need to make.

“Okay, Dean. I’m going to take a shower and get to bed. I’m tired.”

Sam had emerged from the bathroom, apparently having judged our volume as safe-enough-to-risk-it, and I stepped back out of Dean’s reach, grabbed my toiletry bag, and claimed the bathroom.

A hot shower, no matter what the water pressure in this crap hotel, was sure to be some improvement on my maudlin attitude. There wasn’t much sense in wishing for childish things… what was that poem again?

I sat on the toilet and googled, my mind tugging at a remembered phrase about childhood and childish things, until I found the poem by St. Vincent Millay. I skimmed it, nodding to myself.

Yes, I’d left that particular kingdom behind the same day I’d met the Winchesters, grieving over the horrible deaths of my parents. And the holidays were the time I missed them most, remembering the fun they always put into the season, the closeness, the warmth, no matter how cold it got outside.

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I put the phone down, internally scolding myself. I reached over, turning on the hot water before turning on my phone’s music to drown out the sound of the groaning pipes.

Moping would solve nothing. I had a new family with the Winchesters, after all, and a new purpose in hunting.

And that would have to be enough for all the holidays to come.

“C’mon, Y/N, wake up, sweetheart.”

I groaned and tugged on the blanket. There was no telling how long I had actually been asleep, but my internal alarm clock was reading “not long enough”.

Stupid Dean didn’t get the message.

“Y…… N……” Dean’s voice was particularly annoying right now. He apparently was okay without having sex again anytime soon if he kept that shit up.

“C’mon, gorgeous, you’ve got to get up. We’ve got to get some coffee in you and get on the road. We’ve got a new case.”

I groaned, recognizing his tone. Dean was in hunter mode--relentless and impatient. There was no way I was getting back to sleep this morning.

“Fine. I’m moving. But if I don’t have a coffee cup waiting for me by the time I get out of the bathroom, you won’t be.” My voice was grumpy grumble as I rolled out of the bed, heading for the tiny bathroom. I dimly noticed that Sam wasn’t in the room and Dean was sitting by his computer.

As I shut the door I heard Dean chuckle, “that’s my girl.”

When I came back out five minutes later, marginally awake but still in desperate need of caffeine, Sam had returned and was bearing Starbucks, the saint that he was.

I made grabby hands until he laughed and passed one over, “good morning, Y/N.”

“Hmmph.”

I sipped slowly at my hot beverage, barely listening as Sam and Dean continued a conversation they’d apparently started last night or this morning.

“We can’t just not help Garth. We owe the guy, and besides--I’d feel bad if he got killed.”

Sam shook his head, “but we can’t ignore Bobby either. I say, divide and conquer. I’ll take care of Garth, you two follow up on Bobby’s lead.”

Dean frowned, then nodded, the plan making sense to him. “Why not? We should both get done quicker that way, maybe meet up in a couple of days at Bobby’s place.”

“We might even make it in time for Christmas.” Sam smiled, but Dean rolled his eyes, his mind apparently not changed at all since last night.

I finally felt alive enough to interject, “when are we leaving?”

Dean eyed me up and down, a smile on his face. I probably still had bed-head or something, but at least he was too smart to say anything about it.

“Just as soon as you finish that coffee.”

Ten minutes later, I had packed my duffle and thrown it in the trunk of the Impala. Sam was going to wait at the hotel for Garth to give him a ride while Dean and I followed whatever lead Bobby had given him while I’d been asleep.

I sighed a bit as the festive decorations on the front lobby of the little hotel caught my eye. Hunting a monster wasn’t exactly how I had wanted to spend the last few days before Christmas.

But life was change. I’d adjust soon enough.

Dean was already behind the wheel, and I could practically feel his impatience to get started, so I opened my door and slid in.

And immediately stopped.

“Dean, what is that?”

“What’s what?” Dean’s voice was carefully hiding something--amusement? Excitement?

“This.” I reached out and tapped the small bunch of mistletoe hanging from the rear view mirror. Maybe it was some kind of warding, but it hadn’t been there the last time I got in the car.

“I’m shocked, Y/N. Don’t you know what hanging mistletoe is for at Christmastime?”

I finally tore my eyes away from the plant to see Dean’s mischievous smile. I hadn’t seen that smile since the time he’d put benadryl cream in Sam’s toothpaste tube.

“You bastard.” I whispered as it all clicked in my head.

He laughed then, pulling me across the seat to kiss me under the mistletoe.

I kissed him back briefly, then pushed at his chest to get some space. “So all that talk about Christmas not being a part of the hunting life? It was a prank?”

He shook his head, his hand threading through my hair.

“No, not really. I haven’t paid much attention to Christmas since Sam was a kid.” His other hand reached for the charm that always dangled around his neck.

“But if it matters to you, I have no problem indulging. And it might be fun.” And the way his eyebrows waggled at that last sentence clued you in about another layer of this elaborate hoax.

“So this case that we’re on….”

“Isn’t a case. Bobby’s loaning us one of his hunting cabins for the rest of the week. Sam’s going to meet us at his place on Christmas day and we’ll have a family get together. Sound good?”

I smiled, touched that he’d apparently put all this together, noticing how I felt about Christmas even before last night.

“It sounds perfect, Dean.”

“Good.” He drew me close for another kiss which I was much more enthusiastic about now, and he was the one who had to pull away for breath, turning the key in the ignition and starting the growl of the Impala’s engine.

“I can’t believe you set up this ridiculous con though. I love a surprise, but really Dean?”

He put his arm on the back of my seat, looking over his shoulder as he backed out of the parking space, his mouth twisting into a pleased grin.

“Yeah, but you should have seen your face, babe. Now, that was a good Christmas gift.”

I elbowed him lightly, but he only chuckled as he pulled out of the lot, headed for a Christmas getaway that I suddenly couldn’t wait for.

This fic will have a sequel! Keep an eye open for it!

Did you like this? Check out my MASTERLIST! Feedback is life!

To my Forevers, the ones who keep me writing:

@2wonderinsighlents, @adaliamalfoy, @alcpegasus22, @andrastesflamingtitties, @angelofwinchester17, @alexastacio, @anokhi07, @ariethegreat98, @atc74, @arryn-nyxx, @autopistaaningunaparte, @avasmommy224, @babypieandwhiskey, @bennyyh, @benjerry707, @boxywrites, @bringmesomepie56, @bucky-thorin-winchester, @but-deans-back-tho, @captainemwinchester, @carry-on-ms-believer, @casownsmyass, @cfordwrites, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @dancingalone21, @d-s-winchester, @deafgirlsarecooler, @deandoesthingstome, @deanfuckingwinchesterrr, @deansarms, @deanscherrypie, @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog, @deanwinchesterforpromqueen, @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester, @deliciouslyshadowymilkshake, @demonangelimpala, @demondeansdomme, @end-lessnights, @faith-in-dean, @fandommaniacx, @feelmyroarrrr, @fiveleaf, @gallxntdean, @graceforme86, @i-is-for-inspiring, @ilostmyshoe-79, @impala-dreamer, @jalove-wecallhimdean, @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes, @jencharlan, @jensen-gal, @jotink78, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms, @katnharper, @kittenofdoomage, @kristaparadowski, @lipstickandwhiskey, @littlegreenplasticsoldier, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @love-kittykat21, @loreleilara, @lunarsaturn88, @luv4jensen, @lynnebla, @marilynnlew, @millaraysuyai, @mogarukes, @moonstonemystyk, @mrsbatesmotel53, @mrsjohnsmith, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mzpearlz, @nightmaredean, @notnatural-supernatural, @paintrider13-blog, @pinknerdpanda, @plaidstiel-wormstache, @rizlowwritessortof, @roxy-davenport, @salvachester, @seenashwrite, @septicxsoulxdarkxmind, @scorpiongirl1, @skathan-omaha, @spnrvt, @supernatural-jackles, @supernaturalyobsessed, @theafinnerup, @thedevilinthedetails, @thegreatficmaster, @vote-for-pedro, @waywardjoy, @wi-deangirl77, @wonderange, @wheresthekillswitch, @withoutaplease, @wonderless-screwup, @xtina2191, @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou, and @yume-deaimashou

If you want to be removed from or added to my forever tag list, send me a message/ask! Only 18+ please!!

#Angel's Christmas Drabbles #dean x read #flangst #fluffy dean #slightly angsty reader #fluff #angst #idk you tell me #I liked it #hopefully you will too #dean x reader

[cosmosogler]

hmm. the power went out last night, leaving my room in a hot haze for over an hour. it took forever to fall asleep and i didn’t sleep through the night despite being slated for about six and a half hours.

so i was a little tired this morning. mom drove me over to the hospital where my primary care physician works and i met with the surgeon she had referred me to. i am having surgery on july 12th. about 2 days after i get home from hawaii. on july 13th i am getting a hair cut!

then mom dropped me off at home before heading off for work. i had time to make some tea and read a little bit before gramma arrived. 

wiley bolted out the door as soon as i got it unlocked and opened. i chased him across the driveway. usually when i move to grab him i have my arms wide and open, meant for catching him around the legs and chest. easy to dodge. i really couldn’t let him get into the road though. not only was it burning hot, i just wasn’t going to catch him if he got up to full speed. i couldn’t reach his collar since he was ahead of me, so i jerked my hand into a fist in a clump of fur on his back and yanked on the skin. i wasn’t happy about it, and he really wasn’t either. he wasn’t very eager to come over to me the rest of the day.

i feel bad... i could say it was a panic response, but that’s kind of not the truth. i thought really quickly about what my options were and went with hurting him. calling him had just been egging him on. i don’t regret it. despite all my work with him practicing letting cars go first and stopping if he sees headlights, he just doesn’t... stay out of the road when we’re on walks if he sees something more interesting than me. if i didn’t catch him he wouldn’t watch for cars.

i guess i feel bad because, like, i had arrived at the decision so quickly and i just didn’t... i don’t know. a ruthlessness i’d forgotten i had. i wish i could have stopped him from getting out the door in the first place but both my hands were occupied. dad didn’t say anything. wiley went straight inside as soon as i pointed him at the door though.

the shopping went fine. gramma had me drive her around. we just went to the shopping center near my house since it had everything we needed right in a neat little row. like seriously there were no stores in between the ones we visited, it was just four in a row. i got some new shoes and new shorts. i won’t be taking the new shoes on the trip though. too much hiking in the rain to be under the illusion that white shoes will ever be white again afterward.

AAAAAAA WHAT???? I HAVE MORE WELTS????????? HOW

the other ones i had are still so itchy!!!!!!! i can’t sleep because they itch and burn constantly even though the swelling went down days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aww man...

then we went to macaroni grill for lunch since i had like 75 dollars in gift cards i’d received over the years that i’d found while cleaning my room. i don’t really go to any of the restaurant offered with that deal so despite gramma’s protests i paid for her meal. what else am i gonna do, take asher out to chili’s five times?

no. that would cut from our indian restaurant visits.

i felt kinda stupid when they brought out my food and it had some obscure foreign version of ham in it that i hadn’t caught by reading the menu. i didn’t remember the dish having meat the last time i had ordered it... it occurred to me that that may have been because i asked for no meat that last time. i asked them to just take the meat off but they remade the whole plate for me. i was kind of concerned that there was some kind of gravy drizzled over the whole thing but i figured “i’m a vegetarian” would have been enough prompt to let me know if the gravy was meat-based.

holy god almighty i’ve got like six welts on my legs and i don’t understand where they came from and i can’t think of anything else right now

don’t know if i can sneak into my parents’ medicine cabinet and find some benadryl. it’s 1 in the morning and i don’t want to wake mother.

ok. the rest of the day. my brother asked me to drive him to his haircut appointment. we listened to his 5 rap songs on repeat the whole hour-long round trip. i had a miserable time driving because my eyes dried out and i couldn’t see very well, and a few cars had, like, dangling reflective things off the backs of their cars that lasered into my eyeballs twice a second until i managed to get entirely past them?

also i got cut off a lot. that was dangerous with my brother’s car. it’s not always as responsive as i like.

it hurts so bad

um, he got a really dorky haircut and i made fun of him for it for the entire half hour appointment. then dad got mad at me when we got home because i hadn’t picked up my sister’s meds that he had asked me to get after i was already driving home. sorry that i don’t check my phone while i’m driving?

so dad bullied my brother into accompanying me to the pharmacy. phoenix drivers really are in a whole different reality. people were going at least 60 in the lane next to us in a 45 area. i could tell it was stressing my brother out, as much as he tried to play it off as anger and a constant stream of curses that sounded suspiciously similar to my eternal internal train of thought. we got oreo shakes from burger king on the way home. it made me sick but i really didn’t care.

hnnnnnnnnnnnnngh i decided to skip cooking dinner tonight because there are so many leftovers from the last few days and also gramma’s leftovers that she gifted to me. and then mom ordered pizza anyway. and my sister wanted to split a dessert with me and i know how much she’s been wanting chocolate since she got sick because of the air quality so i just said yes and i was so nauseous that i just didn’t want to do anything the rest of the day so i finished an entiiiiiiiire book length fanfiction until 12:30 and then i started writing this

i also spent a lot of time hanging out with eve and feeling sorry for myself but really it’s ok because i was super busy today and only got like six hours of sleep but tonight it’s looking like i won’t be getting enough yet again!!!!!!! so who knows

i also thought about suicide but decided that “just because you can doesn’t mean you HAVE to” which i think is solid life advice and also made me laugh because it’s so nerdy and stupid and of course that’s the first thing my brain would supply

i can’t take it any more i think i am developing more welts i need to find something that will help good night

#tw suicide mention

[canaryatlaw]

okay, I definitely meant to get to bed a lot earlier than this, but this is at least better than normal. I took a benadryl like, almost 2 hours ago and haven’t felt anything yet which is fucking weird. but yeah, today was fine. I initially woke up at like 6:06, when I went to the bathroom and then returned to bed until our alarms went off at 6:45. got ready quickly and packed the rest of everything up, handed over the keycard to the desk in the lobby and ubered to the airport, about a 10 minute drive. The flight wasn’t till 10, but it’s a good thing we got there when we did because we were in the terminal with just one normal security checkpoint (they have a separate tsa pre-check one but just those two) and it was hardcore swamped, which I guess makes sense after a holiday weekend. So it took us a solid 45 minutes or so to get through. My back was still not doing great so I was trying to carry my backpack on my arm for most of the time. We finally got through without issue, thanks to the busyness I got to go through the normal metal detector not the evil scanner machine that hates me so I was happy about that. From there we walked down to where our gate was and surveyed our breakfast options, deciding on the little sit down place we hit up last time we were in this terminal (which I think was memorial day) but then Jess got mad because they had limited kosher options and I felt bad about it lol but we ate and paid and then sat at the gate until it was time to board. Our flight here was in row 3, this one was row 30, so bit of a change. I let Jess have the window seat out of the kindness of my heart, even though she got it on the way there as well and I had it on my ticket for this way. The plane was like way cold, even with the little personal air conditioner turned off, and I had my jacket on but my legs were freezing since I was wearing shorts. But whatever, I put my earbuds in and started listening to the concert playlist from last night (that is, the songs we guessed they might play) and deciding which ones I thought deserved to be on my KBops playlist, lol. I got through a few of those once we took off and then just felt really tired and ended up falling asleep in my seat with my earbuds still in playing music, which I always find really amusing when that happens, lol. I did end up sleeping for most of the flight and was still very sleepy upon waking up shortly before landing, but eventually became more awake. We stopped at a Starbucks on the way out of the airport because caffeine (neither of us had had any so far) and then headed out to the uber area which they had apparently changed during the month of June when we weren’t at the airport at all, so that was a bit of a journey but we figured it out and got to the right car. Ubered to Jess’ place and dropped her off, then got dropped off at my place. Spent a little while going through things and unpacking some stuff, then put in a grocery order online and took care of a few other things, then started my work clock to get some research done. I ended up working for a little over 3 1/2 hours, a good chunk of which was devoted to trying to find this one case from a certain circuit that just was not coming up, so I had to give up on that for now. Normally I’d email boss guy #1 who wrote the memo about it tomorrow but he’s on vacation right now and won’t be checking emails, and the ultimate boss guy only works Tuesdays through Thursdays, and the guy boss guy 1 told us to email for questions on other days I don’t have the email address for, so I guess I’ll have to wait till Tuesday to do that. But I ended up finishing the rest of the research case wise, so I guess I can start writing from here. It’s gonna end up being an interesting brief, hopefully anyway. I was listening to music throughout most of this and ended up kinda getting into a depressive funk about missing performing and why I’m not doing that for a living instead, which is difficult because I chose law because I knew I wanted to help children more than perform, but right now I’m not able to do that, and idk if I’d rather write disability appeals than perform, but I can’t exactly give up now...it’s complicated but I just kinda got this sinking sad feeling in my stomach that just made me upset for the rest of the day. so I decided to try to get to bed a little early and relax a bit first. Once I finished working I set up to take a bath with the one remaining bath bomb I had bought like over a year ago and never used because I hardly ever take baths, lol, but first I had to go on a bit of a wild goose chase to find our drain cover, eventually finding it in the basement. So I took a bath with the bath bomb and it was very nice. Once I was done I got our and got into my PJ’s, took my meds and then got distracted doing a bunch of little random things until I eventually got here and started writing this, and as I’m finishing this I’m finally feeling the benadryl start to kick in, so I’m going to go to bed now and hopefully have a very long, fulfilling, and restful sleep. Goodnight babes. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

#daily journal #July 2019 #Jess tag #Rachel's kpop adventures

[precious-boring-life-blog]

Whirlwind of Fuckery.

😈Today is Tuesday. Saturday was the last day I wrote, if I'm not mistaken. What all has happened? Hmm.. Let me think. Tons of bullshit with that older man. Promises not kept. Lies that I KNOW are being told, but don't dare go in with full-blown accusations, because he has money.. & since I'm on a run, I always need dope. Whatever. He left me hanging all day yesterday while I kept stringing Chris along all day & he kept stringing HIS dude along all day... Finally, after getting dropped off at 10 AM, receiving a promise he'd return at 1 o'clock and we would go & get a bag... Then proceeding to wait ALL day while being fed some bullshit... I finally mustered up some mojo & formulated a plan to get my own shit. Had to create a huge Smorgasbord of a lie to convince my dad out of $40 for dinner & a movie with NA people. Yeah.... I'm bottom-of-the-barrel terrible & although that rhyme sounded cool, it's not meant to be lighthearted. For some reason when I wrote that down about my dad, I feel super awful & ashamed all of a sudden. Honestly, I fucking should, too. My parents have sacrificed so much to try and save me from my addiction to heroin & I have thrown it down the drain AGAIN. I don't know how they haven't caught on or kicked me out yet. My mom has asked me multiple times & all except once, several weeks ago, it's something I always deny. Still.... Can't help but wonder... A part of me feels like they have got to fucking know. I had Chris pick me up last night around 6, & the timing was perfect. I needed to leave before 6:30 and be gone until at least 11. Problem solved. We went back to his house, I smoked my whole sack up quick despite a weak willed promise to myself I'd save a LITTLE bit for the morning. Blazed a bowl & a joint of this weed also procured from this older man. Then we fell asleep on his bed until tapping on the ajoined bathroom window from the porch woke us up - it was just Abraham returning home from work in Royal City. I came home & passed the fuck out from midnight until basically 11 AM. I did wake up once around 6, managed to stumble out into the kitchen while my dad was sitting at his computer & bum a smoke from him. After several long drags, I smashed the smelly, cancerous slave-driver of a product face first into the glass ashtray on the stove ; small round and clear with a psychedelic heart painted in the center, it was a gift from my mother. I shuffle back to my bedroom shut the door dive back into warm covers turn a pill bottle over into my palm, two little hot pink ovals pop em into my mouth and away to sleep I go. Benadryl only works like that (for inducing sleep) whenever I'm high. While sober it didn't have that effect. Weird, whatever... Unimportant! Really, though, none of what I've written on this blog so far is important. Just the loaded ramblings of a 25 year old on-going, off-again junkie loser without a future, destined to die probably living in this same fucking room. When I finally woke up again, 5 hours after popping those allergy meds in hopes of them doing exactly what they actually did (sleeeeep💗) I hung out around the house with my Ma. A&E has started showing a trailer advertising the February 20th premiere of the new & FINAL season of a show we binge-watched on Netflix together & fell in love with... Sooo that means Netflix added new episodes of Bates Motel! We watched at least 6-7 episodes I think. Old guy hit me up saying he wanted to buy a sack; had $100. He didn't want to go pick anyone up other than me (which was a problem) because Chris wasn't answering & Kayleigh is in jail, poor thing. After bullshitting with Andy Packard for a bit on when his dude was going to pick him up & then meet us... I wasn't sure if I believed that was really going to happen, so I decided to take a chance. Instructed Romeo to swoop me and drive me up past the car wash. Had him park further back then normal, and decided to try my luck knocking on the bathroom window of the Naab house. BOOM. IT WORKED. I'M IN. Fucker was sleeping all day. I had just seen him the night before (he dropped me off just after 11) but apparently he didn't didn't go to bed until 9 o'clock this morning. Anyways. He called his dude. I told my ride / ATM to wait over at the gas station (GOD I'M AN ASSHOLE) and while waiting Packard called me ten times cause guys dude was in the way, I made up some story we got pulled over on the other side of town & "homeboy" got arrested on a warrant outta Kittitas County. The little Mexican teenager Chris goes through showed up (we heard his car crunching over snow & ice out in the driveway) so my buddy ran out, and minutes later returned with a nice hefty chunk of some super-fire, or as fire as it gets around these podunk parts. I smoked two pieces with him, as a peace offering for waking him up, broke off some more and put it in a second baggie hidden stealthily away in my right sock, and called my ride to swoop me back up. We get to his house, do all of the bag (aside from what I had hidden) and talk about my plan to get off this shit using subs - subs he got from his coworker that are waiting in his locker at work... Subs that he is supposed to be bringing me shortly after his shift ends at 7 AM Wednesday morning. This morning. Today. I hope to God he comes through with those. I worry, because while he HAS done alot for me he has also been pretty flaky on a couple occasions. I've actuality been sitting on a message in my FB inbox from him that I need to reply to NOW (not purposefully avoiding it, I just honestly keep forgetting) so he stays engaged and it's still thinking about me (so I can get those subs here in the next 6 hours). Very important. Pause all of this ; I'm going to reply to him now. OH, but I cleaned out my tooter less than a minute ago & it was funky full, for all variables considered... So honestly I'm gonna hit this real quick & THEN reply. &&&&& I'M BAAAAACK. 😈💗😐 So I'm back. One more hit real quick. Smoking my last cig for the night. Oh boy... I told myself I'd be going to bed early tonight; it's now closing in on 3 AM. I have to be awake at a quarter to seven (6:45- DON'T FORGET TO SET AN ALARM, DUMMY) to meet J. Romeo for those subs when he gets off work. Please, good lord, PLEASE... Let him come through. Please, please, pleeeease. 🙏 Soon as I finish this little blurb of a blog.... Well, what was supposed to be a quick daily check in / drug-a-log... I skipped the last 2 days since Saturday so this entry turned into more of an amphetamine-fueled nonsensical novel HAH! (If a statement could ever perfectly describe my style of writing... That would be it 😂) but as soon as I'm done with this cigarette, I have to be done with this entry. Then, I'm going to brush my teeth, put Neosporin on my face (which I picked to hell and back this evening...sad day) and try to pee one last time... Then I'm crawling into bed, setting a 15-minute timer, and doing a Stream of Consciousness exercise (S.O.C.). Basically the concept is just to set a timer and do not stop writing until the bell. Sense doesn't need to be made nor does punctuation really need to be used. The idea is just to spill your guts, your heart, your soul, out onto the pages. Free your mind from the hamster wheel of worry and thought by expelling it onto the empty lines of a journal. Cigarette is done. Think I might just do the rest of that bag right now... Fuuck it. One last hurrah; thirty dollar chunk of fuego and a few pages of chicken-scratch prose. Debating... Debating... I'm already pretty high... I don't know if he will come through for SURE with those subs... If he doesn't, & I smoked this all tonight, I'm screwed. I'm screwed either way without em, whether I smoke now or not... Totally irrelevant. If he does, I will be so relieved. I will be able to get off this shit, finally... After TWO FUCKING MONTHS. WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE DID THE TIME GO? HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP HERE? Why on earth did I decide to go back out? I don't want to live like this anymore... Please Goddess, hear my cry & help me. Please let him come through with those Suboxone, that is my one and only hope.