#I'm not going to do anything impulsive

[izzyspussy]

i think a lot of people have never been in a truly desperate situation but think they have, and this causes them to pass really harsh judgment on people who made bad choices when either irrational or having no good choices to pick instead, and i really wish people could get some fucking self-perception and work on their compassion skills and not fucking do that as much anymore

#jack facts #people be banging on about empathy this empathy that #and like sure maybe people have a measurable capacity for it but i can tell you what #that sure as fuck don't mean any fucking one of them ever bothers to make use of it when it matters lol #and i mean on the other hand it's hard to conceptualize how you would feel going through something you've never experienced before #i just wish people would be AWARE of the fact they don't know! #or like that there's a difference between ''i can't afford anything but instant ramen'' and ''i can't get any food or water'' #or a difference between being freaked out by spiders and having clinical arachnophobia #or a difference between ''my loved one is sick and i'm really worried about them'' and ''my loved one is dying in front of me'' #etc etc etc etc etc #anyway the longer i live the more i'm convinced that empathy is a garbage concept #and actually a more reliable way to act with true compassion is through at least some capacity for relative objectivity #the ability to say ''i don't know how that feels and i cannot understand it through comparison'' and to be able AND WILLING #to take people's self reports on their feelings thought processes or lackthereof in good faith and with sympathy #and also the ability to acknowledge that doing a bad thing for good reasons does not negate the bad thing being bad #but also should and does change what consequences are appropriate and/or most effective #and also like............... things people do in desperation or other irrational states do not represent Who They Are As A Person #or what it's like to hang out with them in a day to day situation #another thing i keep getting more and more aware of is like. if y'all can't even handle an irrational or impulsive choice that does harm #done by an otherwise ''good'' person under short term desperate situations #that they then do their best to reduce the harm of after the situation is over #i can not even imagine how absolutely unforgiving you must be of anyone who has delusions #and i mean real delusions and real psychosis not the hyperbolic babytalk version lol #like i don't think most of you even know what the fuck a delusion even is the way you act about things as simple & straightforward as like #fear. hunger. pain. #absolutely fucking exhausting

[grasslandgirl]

guys I'm not goinlg to write heartbroken protective kit fic. I'm not going to write a fic where kit is prepared to burn down the world and anyone in her way to find and protect jade when she's in danger. I'm not. haha. going to write that...... 👀.... I'm not...

#still thinking abt that scene in ep5. btw #willow tv #kit tanthalos #jade claymore #I just. I really want dangerous desperate impulsive kit. #that leads into a love confession etccc #like I'm royal and you're my knight and my guard but now YOURE the one that's in danger and who's going to protect YOU? #I'm in love with you and the idea of you not being in this world is incomprehensible to me and I will do. anything. to find and protect you #and it doesn't matter if you love me back or not because what matters is that you're safe and whole and okay. yk? #hello hello is anyone here

[princesscallyie]

Me when I'm listening to the most stupidest story about my mom giving my brother $1500 for a down payment for a 2nd car while his in the shop for a deer hitting him and him losing the nonrefundable $1500 cause he drove 2 hours away to a scummy dealership and he didn't get approve for enough credit from the bank

#like... idk maybe cause I don't have a son but does anyone else have experience with a mom acting delulu for their son??? #like... 1st she paid $17k for the brand new 2022 which he traded in behind her back so he can get a 'fast car' #he got in an accident in the fast car mom put the parts to repair on her credit cards #since now the fast car wasnt pretty any more with mixmatch parts he traded in that car for a lexus for payments #which is dumb cause the whole excuse on why he traded in the 2022 cause he didn't want payments #he hit a deer with the lexus and i guess he thought they was gonna total the car cause he was already looking for a new one #but they gonna fix the lexus but he still went to try to get that car... #and that lady just agreed to it... #he owes her thousands of dollars... #she keeps on saying 'oh well he got a new job making $17 an hour and plus he's working a part time he's gonna pay me back #he's been saying that since he traded the 2022 and he barely paid you anything... #like why are you enabling his impulse purchasing??? #he thinks these cars are like toys or something and you just letting him use your cash and credit like that... #then she's like... 'well I would do the same for us' referring to us other daughters #but like... we're not idiots that would purposely put you in these situations... #why on earth does he need a 2nd car??? he only making $17 an hour plus a part time job??? you live at home??? why did you agree to this??? #just tell him no for once???? #idk I feel like I'm going crazy or am I just super stingy with my money and credit score? #callyie chat

[musical-chick-13]

So the problem is. That I don't want to call Ten-cubed "fourteen." I think Ncuti should be. Fourteen. He IS fourteen.

But if I want to talk about Ncuti's specific incarnation of this character. And make it clear that I am talking about him. I will have to call him "Fifteen." But doing that means that everyone involved in this ridiculous naming decision wins.

#maybe we call him 'gatwa!doctor' ?? #kind of like we do with the masters #(and we've done this with other doctors too like war and ruth so it's not like there's no precedent) #(then again this will change ALL the numbers going forward. like whoever's after gatwa will '''officially''' be sixteen & so on & so forth) #WHY DOES THE SAME ACTOR GET TWO NUMBERS. ONE OF THOSE WASN'T EVEN A FULL RUN. WTF RUSSELL #like I'm willing to say that maybe. MAYBE. there wasn't active malicious intent. but holy shit the optics are SO bad. #genuinely I am still mad about this and I will be forever #I promise I am not trying to make this one (1) writer man into my parasocial enemy there are plenty of other people I could do that with #who deserve it more. I just get...tired. #like really it's the fact that everyone interpreted the past 2 eras in the WORST faith possible and STRAIGHT-OUT MADE UP THINGS TO COMPLAIN #ABOUT THAT WERE NOT CANON. but there's SO little impulse to criticize ANYTHING regarding russel or dt's 70000 incarnations #which. that discrepancy/hypocrisy isn't COMPLETELY the show's fault. but that. unfortunately. doesn't make it any less annoying. #there was something else I was going to say but I deleted it for being a bit TOO salty #mel screams about The Weird Little Space Show again

[floralovebot]

Yknow, I may be beating a dead horse here, but I really hate it when people think Helia was the one in the wrong in the Shaab Stone arc in the comics. And listen, I know what this sounds like - I'm not saying he did nothing wrong just because he's my special blorbo. I'm saying it because he genuinely wasn't in the wrong here.

I think a lot of people immediately assume Riven's right and Helia's wrong because Riven's heart was in the right place. He wasn't acting out to be a dick; everything he did was done with the intention of doing the right thing. Which, compared to the first season, is a huge leap for Riven, especially on missions. He used to goad Sky and the others a lot, and then there was the entire escapade with Darcy. So for Riven to be So Confident about doing the Right thing, it comes off as him genuinely being correct and Helia being completely wrong, especially when the mission goes south.

But like,,, the thing is,,, the mission literally only went south because of what Riven did. That's not to say that he was Morally Wrong because he wasn't. But he was stubborn and impulsive. He wasn't thinking about the consequences or how likely they actually would've succeeded against the bad guys, he was thinking about wanting to stop them and that's it. Helia was right about them being outnumbered and overpowered, and he was right about them needing backup (the thing that literally saved Riven and Timmy when they got caught). But Riven was so consumed with wanting to act Now that he didn't stop to think about how it actually would've played out.

And I think the most important thing in this discussion, is that Riven didn't hate Helia. He still disliked and didn't trust Sky and was using Helia as a scapegoat. Literally everything he says to and about Helia is just everything he's been thinking and saying about Sky. And that's not because Sky and Helia are the same, it's because they're in similar enough positions that Riven feels uneasy about it. Like of course he doesn't trust Helia at first! He's the grandson of the headmaster and that same headmaster made him the leader of a mission when he's never been the leader with them before. It's pretty natural that Riven wouldn't immediately be on board with that.

But again, Riven didn't hate Helia for any reason that Helia himself caused. It was all about hating nepotism and classism and thinking that Helia was going to be another Sky. And it really didn't help that besides Flora, Sky was the Only person actually defending Helia.

I think it's really important to take note of how Riven treats and thinks of Helia after they make up. Riven is able to put all of it behind him and starts to genuinely respect Helia's thoughts. That would not have happened if Helia was the one who made the mistake. And I think that's clear in how Riven thinks of Sky after they "make up". Sky never apologizes for his actions nor does he ever take the blame for anything that happened with Riven. And Riven knows this!! If Helia had made such a big mistake and then never apologized for it, Riven wouldn't be as chill with him as he is later on. This is also pretty evident in how Riven starts to really like Timmy and respect him as a specialist - Timmy never did anything to him.

Ik this is a pretty small thing but the Shaab Stone arc is such good material for Rivelia as friends and as individuals. It says a lot about both of them! Riven just wants to do the right thing but he can get really impulsive about doing it. Helia wants to do the right thing but hates conflict and refuses to communicate properly with his team. They're both able to understand why the other acted the way they did and start to actually like and respect each other afterward.

It's just... good intentions do not equal good actions. Riven himself is able to admit this and he gets a lot better about thinking of an actual plan and not just rushing head first into things later on in the series. Riven's growth as a specialist and teammate is super important as it directly ties into his growth as a person! Idk it just really bothers me when people look at Riven being a stubborn and impulsive specialist and think that's Good. Even in a fictional setting, a military soldier acting like that is not a Cool Thing. And in this fictional character analysis setting, it's a very literal example of Riven needing to grow as a person (ie needing to trust others, needing to slow down and think for a minute, needing to communicate properly Without acting like a dick about it).

(I didn't know how to fit this in but the only mistake Helia makes is how he communicates with the specialists. He's a good leader and he knew what to do, but he wasn't good at expressing it or trying to quell their valid concerns. But in terms of the actual mission itself, he did fine and it would've worked out if Riven hadn't acted too soon and on his own. This was 100% a moment of them learning how to be better teammates and how to trust one another more.)

#AND LISTEN y'all know i'm very up the Helia Makes A Lot Of Mistakes chimney #because he does and it bothers me even more when people think he never does anything wrong #but this? this was not on him!! #this was on riven not trusting them and acting on his own without thinking of a proper plan #like its literally said later on that riven realized what helia was doing and decided to help him!! and he had an actual plan this time!! #i think its also super important that helia never blames riven or gets mad at him for this #it would be easy for him too but he doesnt because he understands where riven is coming from and Why he didn't trust him #this is a big reason why i always point to this arc for them!! #but idk its just weird to me when people think helia made the mistake when it was riven's actions that got them in trouble #again riven's heart was in the right place and that's super important #but he was also being extremely impulsive !! he didn't have a plan and he didn't have the power to actually take them down! #literally the Only reason helia had them wait for backup is because they were outnumbered and overpowered #and riven made the decision to go in with Just him and timmy like bro 😭 #i know y'all are in love with riven i am too but cmon man 😭 #winx riven #winx helia #mine.metas #long post #also to clarify im not trying to shit on riven or bring him down but this issue wasnt him being in the Right #this was literally him needing to learn how to communicate properly and respectfully #and learning how to trust others even when he doesn't agree with them

[running-in-the-dark]

I guess it just feels like I'm stuck in a cage made entirely by my own thoughts. that sounds so dramatic but it does feel like that.

like, it's not just that I'm scared of things so everything is kind of hard. it's that there's many, many things I would like to do or at least try, but I can't make myself do them. not 'oh this is a bit difficult so I'm afraid to try', no, it's not. an option. there's no path from 'want to do this' to 'I'm doing this'. I can't convince myself to do it. there's no tricks or anything. my brain, the useless thing that I need to do literally everything, doesn't allow it.

#sometimes there's moments where I'm so impulsive that I can get past it by being so quick that there's no time to put up the walls #but even then. doing the thing feels like torture 99% of the time. it's not like I get to enjoy it. #I don't know how to explain that without sounding like I just feel sorry for myself and like I don't want to get better #because that's all I want #but getting better depends entirely on this stupid brain. like I don't know how else to explain it? how can I do something if that thing #won't allow it? #yes it's like it is a separate thing and I'm not involved in what it does most of the time. is that also not normal? probably #there's no comfort zone there's only a prison that I've been stuck in all my life and no matter what I've tried it's not enough to get out #and everyone blames me for not trying hard enough and that gets added to the infinite list of reasons why I'm just bad #just do this! just do it anyway! just do it scared! just just just #Idk. I just need to stop overthinking! that'll fix everything! if only that was an option! I could get drunk every day or try drugs I guess. #but the drinking thing didn't make anything better last time. #fuck I just want to stop trying. isn't it ever going to be enough? when do I get to start being an actual person? I just want to feel real #and that's enough emo bullshit for today and for this week and this month and probably this century

[quilleth]

Soooo......I uh I started a layaway for a doll head to turn into Vanora....because the sculpt's name is also Vanora x'D She's cute, though i am not entirely convinced that she suits my character, but it's going to be a few months until she's here to decide.

I ordered her in white so I can dye her the correct color, and my girl doesn't have bunny ears obviously, but the doll already has pointed ears, which is awesome, given how badly modding them is going with dollbei jun :/

I originally wanted to go with 1/4 scale for Vanora since they're smaller and less expensive, but the doll is 1/3 soo, now i've got a lot of thinking to do. She's also an odd size of 1/3. She was listed as 66 cm, but the neck and shoulder measurements are more in line with a doll that would be 58-60cm in other companies. And of course, there really aren't any buff girls in that size range, and she's a barbarian- she needs to be buff. The ones I've seen are 64cm+ or the 45cm miracle doll girl.

But this entire time i've ALSO been planning on making a doll of Vanora's best friend Faolán whom she's looking for in the campaign so she doesn't get lonely. And I'd basically already decided on a doll for him where I hadn't really for her 🙃So now I need to figure out a roughly 60-62cm option for him and i'm having a hard time :/

I also am realizing i should probably try to draw not meme things for him xD On the plus side, the resin soul Cen body would work really well for him, since it's slim and not really muscular, so if i can find a head that would fit, that could be an option, and hopefully make it so i'm not dropping 400+ on each of them T_T

#quill's bjd adventures #vanora #faolan #i could make some kind of journal for this on doa but honestly it's easier for me to remember to here xD #might ask for sculpt suggestions there though #therapists talking to me about adhd: so are you impulsive? me: not really? unless snacking counts #also me: oof doll has the same name as my character and is a limited run. i need her #since i already started paying money i'm going to try to plan for her working #because then i'll feel silly spending it and not using her :/ #but i already feel really silly about it because it really isn't something that was in my plans at all #brain why must you do this to me #and i'm going to think of ideas for faolan but not buy anything until after i've sorted vanora out #i don't want to try to sell another doll b/c i'm not having luck selling my moriko :/

[dadbots]

August… time to get spooky.

#dadbots.txt #this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes. #I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh. #idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs. #best way to describe it LOL #been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just. #where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda. #just one of those moments yknow. #it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest - #- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing. #I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it. #I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month - #and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really. #don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often #and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow. #maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year. #not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat #though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all. #won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well. #and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really? #shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year. #I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now. #let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way. #hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽

[theinfinitedivides]

i am not well today one of my favorite film reviewers just put out a spoilerless piece on Pathaan talking about how well done it was and halfway through i started f*cking sobbing

#film: pathaan #pathaan #shah rukh khan #srk #bollywood #local gay watches Bollywood.txt #in case you're wondering this is from Don't Call It Bollywood btw #the review is not that long but my heart is just so full idk idfk #the Salman cameo sounds like it will not make me gag #SRK-Deepika ship might be giving off JTHJ vibes by her description?? #the whole 'she's younger and into him but he has no idea how to process that information so he kind of freaks out' #and JTHJ has my entire heart so you know what this means #Sidharth Anand i could kiss you on the mouth for this after War it looks like you've done it again #as you can see my emotions are all over the place today so maybe it's a good thing i'm not seeing this in theaters i'd embarrass myself #guaranteed to have a meltdown at least once when i finally get my hands on this #edit: the lightly spoilered version is out i read it bc i have no impulse control i am now doubly chomping at the bit #this fits into the category of 'this is a such a thing SRK would do' and tbh #i am not going to say anything else except my wife!!! my DILF!!! my other DILF with trauma!!!

[abyssalpriest]

I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"

#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like.... #And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others #deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of #my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is #just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the #Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult #Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing #and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do #and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions #on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc #Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always #explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's.... #Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like #And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be #Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly #That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND. #Anyway again this is years away but #I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey #ramblings // #Diary //

[traumabuddies]

..

#only reason why im not impulsively deactivating is bc i think i would probably be worse if i didn't have a place to vent and escape to #and it would make me withdraw from people and close off even more and. yeah that's bad #i don't even want to deactivate because tumblr is bad for me (it's really not) i just feel like doing something a little “drastsic” #but i'm too scared to actually do anything stupid or bad or Bad Fun irl so the impulses are saying to delete things online #but. yeah #anyway sorry if you read that lok #i should just go sleep now anywayyy #lex says things

[applebunch]

just played through our dirge (again) and i... didn't realise you could get other endings??? i went through the game again to see what other options where there to pick, but it changed the conversation at the end??? spoilers in tag and under read more

like, first time i was mostly nice to jack (agreed that coming to the school was neal's idea and complimented jack on the costume, but asked him to play something stupid and didn't accept his help with the switch)

the next time i was kinda mean (insisted that i did not suggest going to the school, and insulted jack's costume, but also asked to listen to one of jack's songs instead and this time i accepted his help.) i also ignored a few things while speeding through the dialogue this time

the first time, when jack talks about staying and waiting and neal starts leaving, jack just like, gently, smugly prods neal a LITTLE bit in order to get him to stay and neal gives in, but this time jacks like, almost pleading. apologizing and worrying and everything... what a shift!

#i yell into the abyss #our dirge #first time it was “come onnnn don't you wanna see what happens? you know you do ;3” “agggh fiiiine” #this time it's like “wait wait wait where are you going? ☹” “i'm leaving? we're done” “um. uh. did i upset you? 😢 i'm sorry if i... 👉👈” #“uh no? you didn't do anything? i'm just saying it's probably time for us to... ...???” “🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺” “...fine???????” #our dirge spoilers #i guess? #i haven't seen anyone else make a “spoiler” post like this so i wonder if it's like ok or not........ #also the dialogue after the hallway thing stops short also. he stops talking after "i don't think that's supposed to happen #from “come onnnn isn't this fun haha” to“ ”w.... we're friends right? i... did i do something wrong?“ #like neal wanting to leave the abandoned school building that they impulsively decided to break into at midnight means jack annoyed him #jack's motivations are so mysterious i love him #playing through the game again to get a better look at that scene cause. again. I Was Skipping Dialogue. what an enigma..... #wish i saved at some point lol

[queencvbra]

I think I might do a softblocking spree soon. I don't like doing those but I'm at the point again where the amount of people following me versus the amount of people who actually try to interact with me is disproportionate and it's just. Not comfortable for me.

#⚡ ooc. ── ❝ 𝘖𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪. ❞ #my mental health has been absolute trash the past several months because of irl stuff #and tumblr is my safe space. my escape. #so I don't want to come on here and feel like I'm just screaming into the void lol #it's not like we have to talk every single day and I'm not demanding anyone's immediate attention. #I'm fairly chill about interacting. we can just vibe and write whatever / whenever we want and that's all it takes. #but I'm talking about the people that don't even send memes or like posts or show any interest at all. that have been mutuals for months. #where it makes me feel like maybe there is no actual interest and I'm just here to pad a follower count or some other reason #which is a yucky feeling #idk I'm not doing anything yet I'm just thinking out loud #I know this is a reflection of how I'm feeling irl bc my mental health has been getting worse due to things I won't go into on here #so naturally that means I feel more protective of my little place of escapism here and more sensitive so I'm trying not to be impulsive #anyway ignore this I am just in my feelings atm <3

[unopenablebox]

ok, i have some regrets about having agreed w/ 🌸 that we would both come home early from work to hang out, since i came home myself and then was advised that their work was taking longer than planned. because i hadn’t put my usual aggressive anti-self measures in place that allow me to remember to have the mental action of checking where i am, what time it is, and if i should be doing what i am doing, i just like accidentally lost two and a half hours of time since that is how long it took for them to get home after all. so i could have stayed at work and gotten some desperately necessary tasks done, or at least come home and gotten desk work done before they arrived, except that of course they also have work to do tonight still so we are absolutely not going to spend any time together regardless and this was all an absolute waste of my time. and now i have to be at work for 5-6 hours tomorrow to make up for it. it is just not a good bet to make a plan where 🌸 finishes work or does not work or stops working, i have to stop doing this, i am so stupid

#box opener #it was my idea that we do it and i should not have trusted their agreement to it. that did not mean anything and #when it happens it is not information #''impulsive regret that we don't get to take naps together because we are not both at home and not doing work during a day ever'' #is not an emotion that can be used to inform any future decisions or ideas\ #this was a malice-free action and bringing it to their attention will have no effect except distressing them intensely #experiments are hard to predict the duration of no matter what; i also take much longer to finish things than i think i am going to; #also nothing is ever going to change and it would be a shit move to hurt my girlfriend on purpose for no reason. #however. i am going to be sulking about it indefinitely and i am not good at pretending not to sulk so i am. exorcising it here #they want to hang out this evening still but i can't hang out this evening! i'm busy being upset #and i used up a lot of my hanging out time on a two and a half hour window of forgetting things exist or that i exist in an environment! #now i have to proofread union documents instead.

[elytrafemme]

it’s so strange how many people think i am like an open book about my life? because i feel like that mostly comes from me telling people extremely mild (imo) information and them taking it as a large confession. and like yes i have vaguely alluded to some heavier stuff but it’s like. i don’t know i wish people didn’t go around thinking oh mare doesn’t shut up about her trauma when it’s like the vast majority of events in my life i have never been able to fully tell anyone who wasn’t my therapist and likely never will be able to do that again.

#nightmare.personal #i just wish i could talk about my first relationship #i really do. because it explains so much about me #but it's like. the best ways to explain it are ways that don't really capture it or are too vague #i hate self pity and i do it so often and i know that it's selfish but it's like #i just. there's nobody i can tell? #because i don't trust people who say you can tell me anything because i know there are limits #and if a situation is bad enough for me to have a psychotic break for the first time in my life then i would say like #probably not conversation i can easily make over discord dms you know? #and yeah having my therapist know is cool. if any of the others were around then they would know and that helped a lot #like klav really did help. it hurt but having him there to talk about it or think about it made it easier #but now it's like. god i hate saying this but i wonder if my partner or ex maybe resent? me for it? #because they don't understand it but they must recognize on some level it ruined me #God. i am not going to impulse text my ex about this i WON'T but like. #i just wish people understood because God it's so fucking lonely #with only half the context people jump to conclusions and pick a good and bad one and it was never that #it was a situation that never should have happened #and i can't even tell people the origins of it because i know for a FACT my current friends online or irl would resent me for it #because i tried to play God. and it didn't work. #maybe I do text my ex i don't know. the living one not the one in this relationship i'm talking about lol. #but nobody is ever going to fucking understand it. nobody can absolve me of guilt because nobody knows what i did wrong #and nobody can blame me correctly because nobody knows what they had done #not even them

[paradife-loft]

oh gd though, I experienced a..... catastrophic systems failure in my usual ao3 filtering measures last night, and I'm still pretty fucking bitter and angry about it

bc ngl all the brain bleach in the world isn't going to be enough to erase the experience and the knowledge gleaned from it out of my memory 😭😭😭

I ended up having to indiscriminately nuke half the tag I was looking through from orbit, and still had stuff slip through, because there wasn't any single consistent tag(s) people were using for [story element in question].

and like.... normally, I'm very live-and-let-live about people writing shit that squicks me; I sort it out and move on with my life. the problem here was 1. the sheer frequency and prevalence, like I was just getting bowled over with it one listing after another, and 2. the wildly unpleasant implications of said prevalence on like. actual people's real unexamined biases about actual irl stuff. which I don't say lightly.

ugh, anyway. so yeah, that was a thing. rant over.

#content is for other people #(before anyone asks; I'm not going to say anything more detailed about the specific context for this rant) #(if you're nosy about it and know me there's probably some clues around that could be put together for a decent guess; but. #if you wanna try and figure that out on your own time (an impulse I completely understand); that's your business) #(I do not particularly want to talk about it in specifics at this point) #just. ugh. ugh ugh ugh UGH /shudders