#OH WELL!!!!!! SUCKS TO BE A WOMAN

[presiding]

formerly an essay in tags but - billie lurk. half-nameless, misremembered woman. her powers derived from the things taken from her, without any catharsis or empowerment. the rat charm, tied with deidre's hair, her lover's voice in the mouth of rats. her arm and eye, taken, given back only to cause her chronic pain, then lost again. foresight seems a cruel gift for a woman who botched the timing of her takeover of the whalers, and bet wrong when it came to delilah.

she never bore the outsider's blessing; his first visit to her was more like an assault. every other dishonored POV character gets the choice to be selfish, and for that selfishness to mean something, but billie's actions have no effect on the world at large, either, in a game without a chaos system.

some say that corvo is the ghost, but he can reach out and change things. billie's buried herself twice and come back and nothing she does seems to matter - she is less a protagonist, more a convenient full stop in the narrative.

try this: open doto, start a new game. sit in her cabin. notice how little of billie there is. even the woman she loved more than anyone has the face of another named character.

she sits amongst the assets of other games: empty canvases and a dressmaker's mannequin that wears nothing.

#billie lurk #even the wiki is wrong about her its infuriating #pulled this out of tags because fuck it #in daud's DLCs even the stories that weren't about him were about him #but billie's stories are the scrapheap. they're the stuff they couldn't squeeze in elsewhere. cheap jokes and macguffins #i'm not even roasting the devs for this i think releasing dishonored in 2016 then DotO in 2017 was a feat (derogatory) #games should be made slowly and with love #and i know that everyones talked about this endlessly #but billie is my fav and it sucks that she got a game that only causes me to grieve for her as a character #not FOR her as a person #only the potential story that never was. that she never got. #you can have your strong black woman and not turn her into a trope. give her depth and range and heartache and agency. yes there was traged #but how did it SHAPE her? #dont get me started on her being designated caretaker of a former god and dying assassin. what the fuck #some of this i'd be more okay with if she was younger - i mean. the blank canvases? really? #this game could have been about wyman and there's not that much that would have changed in terms of the core story #“found out the asshole that killed your mother is still around. gonna go deal with that.” #emily who is stoned: “cool.bring me snacks on the way back” #wyman: “oh he's saying actually it was gods fault and that its possible to kill him. well i have literally nothing in my schedule” #billie's not surprised by anything anymore but maybe wyman would freak out over most of it. could have been a lot of fun #also you cant fuck up wymans characterisation. they barely exist. #local empress sends her enby girlboyfriend to kill god #pres writes increasingly deranged essays in the tags #death of the outsider spoilers #i have to complain about doto once every year or so or i die #but i'm not really gonna let arkane hide behind dev excuses when it comes to racism like. its not enough

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#oh wow... #i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day... #all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words: #''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in'' #which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it? #forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me? #pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread? #panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head? #yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)? #isn't that literally what masking is?! #and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem'' #when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?! #you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above] #my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''.... #same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit'' #ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread    

Godkiller

High fantasy world where gods are outlawed after a devastating war

A god killing mercenary, a knight turned Baker, a 12yo girl and the little animal god-of-white-lies bonded to her, end up traveling together to the destroyed city at the centre of the conflict

queer & disabled characters

#Godkiller #aroaessidhe 2023 reads #i really enjoyed this for the most part! #well actually i was like this is amazing 5 stars then the romance happened and i was like generic boring forgettable #(i mean it's a solid 4 stars but like) #WHY........was that necessary....... #it's just. so interesting to have a strange little collection of people from different walks of life in a group #and they suddenly you make the romance a thing and it's like oh....A Man And Woman In Love And A Child wow groundbreaking #(i fully had some fanart drafted but the romance happening sucked all the motivation for that out of me lmao) #i am exaggerating a little but idk #i love skedi!!!! #maybe i am a little afraid of skedi

[henrybelly]

🎤 so true. erins say more about why the majority of your crossclan relationships hinge on the female partner leaving her friends and family to join her husband's clan

#isn't it so interesting how when graystripe returns to thunderclan and abandons his kits in riverclan it's out of Admirable Loyalty #to fireheart #but every woman in the series needs to leave her family #and it's always conveniently because it's HER family that sucks #oh well dovewing doesn't have a better option for a mate in thunderclan and things are tense after the battle #so she'll be happier in shadowclan at tigerstar's side as the mother to his kits while he achieves his special destiny #and well sunbeam's mom is xenophobic and there's no reason she'd want to salvage her relationships with blazefire and lightleap #i have a fringewhisker and spireclaw fic brewing but isn't it interesting that in spite of spireclaw being in the same situation as sunbeam #it's STILL the female partner who switches clans to be with him. and her shitty mother-in-law lmao #shellfur absolutely should have gone to windclan to be with fernstripe #i don't think he'd want to stay in thunderclan after he fought on the side of the impostor in the battle that killed his brother stemleaf #stormfur was truly breaking the mould lmfao #it's just part of the implicit assumption baked into the series that the happy ending of a she-cat is kits and a mate #that's their destiny. the male characters obviously get those as accessories to their destiny. #anyway #i should have a tag for saltposting #ultimate guide 2.0 #ivypool #dovewing

[derpinette]

i would have been a fantastic matchmaker in ancient times because all i do all day is peoplewatch & my instinct when i see anyone is to look in my Mind Repertoire for people they would best bond & pair with

#( more often than not platonically ) #i also have this thought soon after of like anti-matchmaking where i think of people they would HATE #& usually i only mean the people i think of in my head & not the observed #i am so jealous of indian women because they still do this i probably could too if i pretended to be a witch #like as in practicer of witchcraft not the fictional character type because we still have plenty of those in my country #this is what i spend my time doing matchmaking in my head & also finding doppelgängers my second passion #i am ALWAYS on the lookout for people who look like others i just love when i am reminded of anyone ever #i remember everyone no one is allowed to leave my memory & Heart whether or not i like them #& BTW i am a Lone Woman i do not need to actually know anyone intimately my peoplewatching & eavesdropping is enough #more than #but it sucks because i feel like i am unable to fulfill what would have been my Destiny... oh well... #in the Real Real reality i am too retarded & socially crippled but i like to think i would totally kill it

[black-salt-cage]

I've got a couple more chapters of squirrelflight's hope left, and it ALMOST made me a bramblestar hater but it seems he's come back to his senses at the end. however, I am now a sworn hater of tiger(heart)star and dovewing

#dovewing really went “well thunderclan just acts like they know better than everyone else and they suck” judging them as if she didn't #boink another clan's deputy. like I wouldn't even care if she wasn't being a bitch about it #like oh so it's okay when YOU OUTRIGHT break the warrior code but thunderclan doesn't wanna harass a pregnant woman? how DARE they #the warrior code is super important til you don't got fuckin superpowers anymore then it's the woe is me thing #*look at tigerstar* AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE EVEN SLIGHTLY INNOCENT YOU LIL CLONE #starclan shoulda let you stay dead #talk tag #Shio.txt

[snufkinya]

Everyone in this manga is a fucking idiot I stg I hope everyone diesansfkndsfkjdsafasdfbhhdjgas

#i am just rooting for Sukuna to kill everyone off this manga sucks absolute shitass oh my god #does gege know how to write a woman who doesn't fucking suck in some way oh mY GOD I HATE ALL OF THEM #well except Maki #the only likable one #granted. I don't like any of the men either except for this bitch #and i mean GENUINELY like not just ''oh this one has a cute design'' #mahito was great too but he's like unofficially dead or whatever lol #i stumbled upon a panel of sukuna chewing on someone and thought ''wtf is going on here'' so i looked up the chapter and #god i hate you gege akutami

[coratorium]

to kind of elaborate on a tangent off my last reblog i was talking recently about An Incident that occurred a few years ago in a discord community i used to be a part of, that was primarily run by a twitch streamer. long rambling post about arguing and shit-slinging to follow.

to make a long story short there was some long-term resentment building between the streamer and some of their moderators and popular users. this eventually broke out into a large, extremely public argument that lasted multiple days (it was a server full of leftists, so... people loved to debate). the argument ultimately lead to about half the users (a couple hundred people) leaving the discord for another community.

at the time i was heavily involved in damage control. it was probably the most i ever got involved in that community, ironically- i spent a lot of hours staying up extremely late talking things out with people, trying to sort out who had said what and when, what we could learn from that, how we could make amends and move forward. i ended up giving up after the users in question all either left or got banned, and the streamer seemed too defensive to change in any meaningful way.

i think i, at least, learned something from all of that mess. there were so many accusations being slung around that basically boiled down to "you made me feel uncomfortable, and i didn't know what to do about that". i'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of that- when negative feelings like that fester with no outlet, it can have a serious effect on your life. i've spent years in a precarious living situation with people i have to appease to ensure my survival. like, i get it.

however, people really liked to take this and spin it as clinically as they could- as if it were a moral failing on the streamer's part. i saw a lot of terms being used like "emotional abuse", "toxic relationship", "abuse of power", etc, that i honestly feel were exaggerations. in fact, a lot of the people i saw making these claims went on to act the same way themselves in the future... one of the moderators who claimed the streamer was abusing their power by making unilateral decisions did the same thing to me when i was in their server, overriding their mod team to punish me directly.

i don't think they were power tripping or abusing me or anything. i think they just didn't like me, and were willing to compromise their own principles to get me to stop. sometimes that's... all there is to it, really?

it feels better if you have a "good reason" not to like someone or something, and that can drive people to come up with excuses but, at the end of the day, sometimes you just don't like a guy! that's okay! you can find someone fucking obnoxious without having to have a reason for it! you don't have to spend hours debating whether them making a joke at your expense one time was an act of abuse or not. you don't have to dig for dirt on someone to justify blocking them on twitter. you don't have to find reasons not to make an account on a website! you can just not do that! you can just not like a guy!

i think the internet would be a better place if more people had this mindset about relationships. a friend invited me to their personal discord a couple days ago and i met their friends and we talked a bit. we had a lot in common but we didn't quite click... someone picked a fight with me, i made some jokes that didn't land, people didn't really seem to like me. after a while i realized that i had started only reading the server out of a sense of obligation, at which point i questioned why i was even doing it. i barely know these people. i don't owe them shit. i can just leave! i can mute the server and never talk there again! it can just end there! and, again, i don't think any of them were bad people, or being malicious, or anything like that. i don't think they truly caused harm to me in any way. we just didn't get along. that's fine. you can break ties with people without a callout post getting involved.

hell, it would probably even have been better to get confrontational about it. air the bad feelings out before they have any time to fester. that's also an option. a lot of people are too scared to say anything when they have a problem with somebody... i know i've been there. you can just talk it out. what's the worst that happens? it escalates and now you have a real reason never to talk to each other again? seems better than pretending to not have an issue for months or years while slowly building up to a huge and very public fight.

i think people get kind of attached to this idea they have in their minds of... being able to tell their whole side of the story and have everyone support them. see all of the little ways that they have been done wrong by this other person and agree with them, tell them at last "YES you're right that's so bad! that wasn't your fault!" and then just have it all be over immediately, their antagonist fleeing into the sunset never to be seen again, humiliated at having been so thoroughly exposed for their shameless behavior.

nothing is ever that simple. most of the time, the people who are making you feel bad have no idea they did it. sometimes, YOU'RE also making THEM feel bad. but people try to stick to their narrative anyway- i'm the victim here, these are my complaints, anything i did to the other guy was justified by them being worse than me. nothing they did could possibly be justified at all. please agree with me so they'll have to leave me alone and then i'll feel better. it's sickening.

you can't carry around grievances like that. being frustrated with other people is a normal part of life and you need to find an outlet for it. find friends you trust who you can bitch to when you're having a bad time. learn to actually talk to people, or just learn to leave and move on with your life. do something besides stockpiling bad experiences to use as ammunition for your callout posts.

and yes, before i get some smarmy comment, obviously there are actual cases of people doing shit heinous enough that you need to make the general public aware of it or need help dealing with the situation. most interpersonal conflicts i see online are far pettier than this and could be easily solved with better communication. use your own judgement.

#sorry this got so long. autistic woman finally figures out basic conflict resolution at age 27 #post partially inspired by me reminiscing about this situation with some other people who were there for it #and me saying that i felt like everyone involved had kind of sucked ass #a friend was like 'oh x and y arent so bad they really mean well' #and i said 'yeah let me be clear. i dont think they are bad people. they just fucking annoy me.' #so i do not talk to them anymore. they are not in my life. and that's fine

[chynandri]

Honestly can’t tell if I prefer it when other Chinese ppl tell me my Chinese is good (possibly patronizing) or if they tell me it fking sucks (also patronizing but at least it’s honest)

#maybe they should just keep it to themselves lmao #it’s always like ‘why is this somewhat Chinese looking persons Chinese so … like ‘that’ 🤔’ kind of vibe #and then I gotta provide an Explanation for Why Am I Like That #and like I get the curiosity and or judgement but I’m lazy #so I just pretend I don’t hear them #or understand lmao #this woman comes in I say my lines and she’s like. 🤨 are u Chinese #and I’m like 😇 what #and I almost got her to give up with my non answer but unfortunately she repeated herself. oh well. #and she acted like she KNEW she sounded kind of rude and judgemental she was literally about to say my Chinese sucks #and had to stop herself 😂😂😂 omg #for the most part not everyone is so blunt like this but.. sometimes u get these kind of people and I’m like. how do I even respond when ur #just standing there judging how much I fall short of being Chinese enough… so awkward. be normal

[mariemariemaria]

why does jamie get a whole arc spanning 3 seasons about him recovering from abuse meanwhile keeley’s abuse at the hands of paedophile teacher gets a throw away line in the last season that lowkey sounded like it was meant to be humourous (it was not)

#ted lasso #keeley should start killing im so fr #also the fact that when jamie mentioned that awful amsterdam experience roy listened to him and said he was sorry it happened #and when keeley said this to rebecca it was like 'oh well men who act like boys are awful lol' like???? #idk a single grown woman who would hear that and go 'men will be boys and that sucks but whatever' like???? #why even include that line if you're not gonna deal with it properly???

[shitbrainratface]

Srry i am very chatty today but i noticed the pipeline of

I want to die -> I want to be someone else -> I want to be me with a different life -> I want the plans I've made in my life to be easier to fulfill and that I could be more sure that I even can fulfill them

to be such a huge improvement and I'm proud

/ok to rb

#i find it funny when i talk about the state i am in and ppl seem so sad #like oh you cant drive oh you cant live on your own oh you need a caregiver... i wish you a good recovery #bitch i am recovered! just because my best point is worse than your lowest point doesnt mean i havent made huge steps #or like i talk about my insecurities #and theyre like well i hope you feel better about yourself #nonono its a good thing! because I get up and I look in the mirror and I feel negative emotion and thats it #i dont insult myself i dont feel dread or suicidal about it anymore #i just feel bad! and that bad feeling doesnt even last the rest of the day - I can forget about it easily now! #like ik ''i dislike how i look'' is sad for a lot of people but like... its such an improvement from ''if i look in a mirror i suddenly #develope delusions that my appearance is causing my girlfriend to cheat on me and that everyone wants me dead'' #its honestly like... i was talking with a trans woman who was thinking of coming out and transitioning #and she was like ''but im scared that i wont like the way i look #and everyone says i will but what if i dont'' #and i told her ''you have no idea how freeing it is to look in the mirror & dislike the way you look & still be happy and proud of your #physical changes'' #''imagine seeing yourself and instead of wanting to cry and scream and kill someone you go 'eh could be better' and then feel fine the rest #of the day'' #and the best part: I fully accept that there are other people who can find me attractive now #if i take a nude and i think it sucks then I send it anyways bc hey they see something in me that i cant and thats wonderful #and she said it really helped her bc that reality seemed so much more attainable than sudden radical self love #and maybe some day i will love myyself and love my appearance but even just where I am right now I think its pretty good #just.... i can not stress how freeing it is to be okay with yourself after a life time of thinking my appearance was the end of the world #im not going to lie - i am still incredibly jealous of hot ppl especially hot ppl who get a lot of compliments #but atleast being around hot people doesnt trigger me into a defensive scared mess anymore

[aw-bean-s]

My friend came back from uni for a bit so we had lunch and she's been struggling a bit w body image and I was trying to be a supportive friend without telling her how many crisis I've had over her being hot

#Like. Issa problem. #Litcherally caught myself thinking 'she should date women bc she's like catnip to lesbians' #She's tanky and short and plays football and has sparkly dark brown eyes and she takes care of her hair so it's super soft and smells nice #She's just?? Stupid hot??? In like the carabiner on the belt loop kinda way but also in the oh my god her smile way #And ALSO in the 'I saw her wearing a dress one time and could not get over how good she looked' way #She also has all of these funky earrings to the point where she packed a 1kg bag of them for uni and that wasn't even all of them #She's going to major in astronomy (has to do engineering first) so she can point out constellations and tell you cool space facts #Literally like THINK of the observatory and/or stargazing dates potential??? #She can also COOK so so soooo well #This woman is a DREAM nd ppl were so mean to her in high school and all I have to say is that ladies need to take note okay #Typing this all out I realise makes me sound like I'm in love w her and. Yeah yknow what I got no comeback to that #I don't think I am but girl is a catch and so fucking hot and DOES NOT see it! Which sucks! I wish she could! #Because she is so cool and wonderful and amazing and it sucks that her self esteem has been affected by other people's bullshit! #But yeah anyway anybody want a girlfriend like I can set you up w my friend