#about how i feel like im fuggen dying

[xerospaced]

So either I didnt notice these swollen lymph nodes in my neck or....

They have just come up to join the others

Aaaaannnddd I'm wondering how many other possible locations they may have come up in that I simply haven't yet noticed.

I wanna saaayyyyyy...

Rapid decline.

Still 6 days wait.

Fuck me

That's 6 days til a fuggen conversation.

6 days before we're TALKING about a plan of action.

And I can't stay awake for an entire day

And I can't even get down one meal a day anymore

6 days seems like a long ass time

But hey

Two years of ignorance.

What's 6 more days?

#mine #lmao #i been having chest pains and palpitations and the nausea is increasing #you name it #i think i left it too long to seek treatment #i dont wanna say too long #ima come back from this regardless #but definitely... i am suffering more than i needed to #because i let rolled eyes dissuade me #i let dismissal and minimisation dissuade me #i let 'its probably nothing' dissuade me #like an idiot #all the while sitting here #blogging #about how i feel like im fuggen dying #about how the diagnosis was rushed #about how i can feel my body deteriorating #and i know something is wrong #yet #as with EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE #i concerned myself with thoughts of #coming across as hypochondriac #or belief that im exaggerating #and all that no one believes me shite #so yeah... i guess another part of the lesson #it doesnt matter what others perceive or assume #youre the only one that knows you #no one else can make the call #but i wont blame myself entirely #heres to the doctors who failed to care and sent me home packing with it's probably nothing.

[scaleycat]

~random rambling post about food and fasting aka things i should just write in my diary

too afraid of weighing myself after my small binge yesterday... especially since i weighed in at 127.8 in the morning :S 

today i am not fasting until 6 pm. i haven’t had a nutritious day of eating in like 1.5 weeks so no wonder i didn’t succeed at my 42 hr fast. 

so today i will eat: first meal: green smoothie second meal: kale quinoa bowl snack: pecans, walnuts, berries cals: no more than 1300 steps: 15k or 10k with a workout workouts: maybe, but yoga for sure!! my body is dying now that i work again lol

eating low carb with extra fat will help me a lot to succeed on this next fast. i want to fast from 6 pm today (thursday) until saturday morning. which means i need to keep myself busy tomorrow since i won't be eating. i’ll see what my friends, sister and mom are up to tomorrow. i know my dad isn’t working so we could go for a little walk together too. i would rather hang out with my friends since i’ve been hanging out with my dad and sister for the past 3 days lol

otherwise i can do these things alone; - paint or draw!! i’ve been feeling creative lately :-) - practice guitar (really need to start again!!) - read. i’m currently attempting to read middlemarch by george eliot. so far it’s great but it’s a monster read lol - walk!! fuggen nice out - practice my plant ID skills. i know, kinda a weird thing but im a plant nerd and nothing feels better than knowing a plant’s latin name by sight. ughasdsahfjdl best feeling ever :,)  - meditate. obvs this wouldn’t take very long but still a good thing to do. i will meditate tomorrow morning for sure. i’ve been doing a headspace course for intuitive eating. so it focuses on noticing when you crave foods and want to eat just to eat and how to ‘be’ with that feeling. 

anyway, idk what the point of this post is lol i just put my sourdough in the oven so that’s probably the highlight of my day :P will go for a walk afterwards and then maybe lunch with my dad <3 

#diary #mine #personal