#absolutely not i dont know how to read or understand stats in anything i play and im happier that way

[raionmimi]

I just think Chen Gong is neat

#queen medb #chen gong #fgo #fate grand order #magical college girl medb #I love him so much #do i know how to use him in battle? #absolutely not i dont know how to read or understand stats in anything i play and im happier that way

[bisexualoftheblade-old]

how many wips do you have? like what are they all, and not the number of wips in a fandom? what are all the names?

okay. fuck you. fuck you so much. fuck you.

i’m putting this under a read more cut no one else deserves to see this shit. a lot of these are requests, and for those i will just write out the request itself

Shadowhunters:

domestic polycule fluff with tem, jessa, and will because im not a coward

Supernatural

- hehe hoho i request destiel hehehe

- request 61/? cai cai cai cai i need you to rewrite the destiel scene but yk. GOOD. not like i'm in the know about the spn fandom or anything, it's been years for me. but DO IT

Bright Sessions

- caleb/adam grisha AU

- mark bryant vs. united states aka sue the AM

- caleb/adam college fluff

Umbrella Acaademy

- request 31/? i want a ben and klaus drabble please spare me some brotherly bickering

- AND SO BEGINS NIGHT 4 with request 13/? oooh oooh can i get a raymond and allison playlist??? i think their vibes together would SLAP

- hi there night 2 is technically morning 3 but who's counting not me anyway request 5/? can i get a ben moodboard? gotta rep my tua bb

Percy Jackson

- request 9/? can i get a percabeth moodboard or quote edit?? like god they're the og couple goals take me back to high school cai

- For the 100 follower things :D Jercy getting caught in the rain

- request 29/? a drabble about literally anything to do with pjo. i’ll be happy with anyone and anything i’m love these children

- *somersaults in like I’m a real fancy acrobat* hello ello ello may I request some camp half blood chaos possible involving *does a flip* ✨side characters✨ <3

Penumbra Podcast 

- request 52/? drabble about the penumbra podcast. this is for ren bc ren likes it and i don't actually know anything about it. juno? i think? that's the one ren likes. write it for ren

- Tpp ghost hunting / buzzfeed unsolved au

- sad juno smut

- final resting place fic go brrrr

Marvel

- request 6/? i'm going to my roots y'all can i get a spider-man playlist? if not a playlist then i'd honestly be happy with literally anything involving spider-man

- request 15/? i'm going crazy this is recorded evidence of me actually losing it ANYWAY can i get a quote edit for something from iron man? literally anything that man says is gold so cai's choice :D he deserved better in endgame i'm still bitter

- request 42/? do another spidey thing that differs from the other spidey thing

- request 73/? you have Opinions. rant about infinity way and/or endgame. go.

- request 74/? quote edit for deadpool!!

- spideytorch relationship character study

- peter parker as a tired grad student monitoring the young avengers (send help)

Six of Crows

- okay listen i wasn't going to request anything bc i worry about you but also? if you want to/have the time hit me with a playlist for our girl nina zenik

- request 43/? fuckin give me the ending anya should have had. she is alive and with her new son and having a great time

- request 45/? inej moodboard?

- request 47/? will you make literally any meme of your choosing for six of crows?

- request 48/? write a drabble for kaz, my favorite bastard

- okay so i don't actually like nina or mattias that much but i still wanna hear about your thoughts (and also see if you'll change my mind)

- kaz brekker turning 18 fic. birthday party, everyone singing, whole shebang. i need it stat

- religious trauma fic aka i started shipping kaz/alina/inej and i can’t stop

- kaz trauma soup (he has D.I.D. and you can’t prove me wrong)

- my two redacted fics for @grishaversebigbang​

- wesper fake dating

- six of crows bright sessions crossover: everyone gets therapy

TMA

- uhh... s1 gang having a nice time? melanie getting to have some Pride™️? some "fun" horror thing?

- request 7/? spare steph and jason bonding? please sir? spare some for a humble child such as myself?

- okay so this was meant for night 3 but i had midterm shit SO this is honorary night 3 let's DO THIS request 8/? i want a moodboard of extremely out of context magnus archives shit like i mean confuse the FUCK out of me i don't go here i know Nothing about it

- request 11/? OKAY so i need tim stoker meeting tim drake now i need my timmy to meet your tim plus i want to see character differences no i'm not trying to create a tim stoker in my head so i can read a's fic while NOT thinking of tim drake whaaaaaat you're crazy

- request 18(i think)/? i need a quote edit of every time within the first like. 15 eps of tam where jon is like “sounds fake but go off” thank u bb

- request 40/? i challenge you to write a tma drabble based only on the episodes i've heard. i'm currently halfway through episode 23

- Jon being lovingly bullied into taking a break. I'm aware this has been written a million times but it is one of my favorite things.

- spiral!sasha AU

- extinction martin go brrrrr

- high school era timsasha. they've both been friends for years, and everyone always asks when they will be a couple. they decide to fake date, to prove everyone wrong and show what a bad couple they would be. turns out that's a bit trickier than they thought

- after sasha comes back, tim is broken. he can't let go, scared that if he looks away for even a minute he'll lose her again. sasha suggests shibari as a way for him to give up control

- sasha pov mag 19 au, sacrificing herself to save the others, knows that if she gives herself up to the not!them it will let the others live

- this is the "tim finds a polaroid of sasha" trope

- early archives days,, long nights in research,,, clothes sharing,, somft. late nights and falling asleep at their desks warm and safe in the other's presence

- two parts: timsasha as kids, each picking a constellation that is "theirs". just soft kid antics. tim at sasha's grave glancing up to see their constellations

- continuing your job’s a joke (you’re broke)

DC Comics

- TIMSTEPH HADESTOWN AU,,,

- my redacted fic for @batfam-big-bang​

- request for you to get a decent amount of sleep? serious answer, dickkori, SAL's Venus

- request 4/? timsteph morning after 👀 mayhaps?

- a concept: nonbinary stephanie brown

- teehee hi mom, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but can i request damian angst for your accomplishments 100 followers?

- hi you can ignore my first request if you want, or you can ignore this one. but bls possibly write some bikini ra’s? -the bikini bitch

- request 27/? jay is asking through me for a jondami playlist but tbh i also want it so win win yk?

- "I don't know how to help you but I can help you find someone who does" with bruce and jason? im just craving bruce being a good day to jason for once

- “I am putting you in time out because you need to understand the consequences of your actions.” with steph and jason as dumbass disaster bi best friends pretty please?

- request 32/? timsteph patrol date!!!

- request 33/? timsteph *gala* date? mayhaps??

- request 37/? tim drake drabble but make it Edgy cai

- request 39/? drabble of a prank war between tim and damian

- joyfire cuddly fluff please? or like just any outlaw fluff if joyfire isnt your thing (feel free to add every member of the outlaws, dont feel like u gotta stick with jason, kori, roy i love them all)

- barbara and robin! jason fluff? bonding over books or something?

- request 62/? i need a drabble about the chaotic trio jason, tim, and steph i'm love them ty

- request 63/? batfam x mcu crossover. batfam meets ironfam. give me ALL the cliches. ALL OF THEM

- request 64/? young justice x young avengers - jay cuz idk SHIT about the young avengers

- request 66/? jondami moodboard pls and ty

- request 67/? timsteph moodboard!!!!!!

- request 69/? HEHEHE kinky 😏 i would v much like a timsteph drabble of the almost first time. does that make sense? like i don't want you to go all the way NSFW cuz i know that's against the rules and i'm a rule follower. but like they *almost* go all the way. this could be fade to black or some shit i don't care just make it a lil steamy and have Fun

- i request damian angst! all of it

- hmm... maybe i request? jondami?

- mayhaps,,,,some batfam,,,,,committing crimes? ily be gay do crime <3 - lu

- How about a ficlet with Steph and Cass?

Found Family Bingo Prompts

- no powers au

- tunnel

- first day

- join the club

- hurt/comfort

- experiment

- playing favorites

- hold on

- possession

- 10 o’clock

- singing

- road

- snitch

- curfew

- timer

- fantasy au

- zombie au

- dreams

- campfire

- are you okay

- movie night

- games

- scared

Miscellaneous

- a request: Write A Drabble, Coward

- is it too late to request a moodboard for me?

- request 20/? i’m going off book because i’m in a Chaotic Mood™️ can you just absolutely vibe check me like go off cai demolish me

- request 21/? i formally request that you pick a favorite cai. i don’t care what that favorite pertains to, just pick a favorite something

- request 23/? roast me

- request 24/? can i have a buzzfeed unsolved spoopy playlist but spoiler alert it’s not spoopy bc shane doesn’t believe does this make sense it has been a Day™️

- request 25/50 i want a jake and amy fic make it Soft cai i’m love them b99 is so good

- request 28/? i know nothing about the lord of the rings so make something that will confuse the shit out of me

- request 34/? malvie and jaylos moodboards 😈

- request 35/? a moodboard for the bbb mods!! perceive all of us!!!

- request 36/? moodboard for the tua mods too???? mayhaps??

- request 41/? doctor WHO? idk but i want a drabble of him and the one character i know from doctor who which is rose

- request 46/? make an alignment meme with our group, have fun!!!

- request 49/? i want you to kin assign me a character from every fandom you can/want to. go feral

- request 50!!!!/? this is a special request. the most special request. can you make a bastards tbh playlist? i want our vibes encapsulated. i want us in music form. i want to hear those songs and be like "that's me and cai" and smile.

- requests 51/? i know jack shit about good omens. explain it to me in the most confusing way possible. make me know less by the end than i know now

- request 53/? can you write a mel aesthetic? i'm Curious

- request 54/? give me a list of book recs cai i want some good book recs pls

- request 56/? edit a picture of US together too

- request 58/? oooh can i have a disney edit? like. hm. i just really love disney and i want anything to do with disney. like a quote or an aesthetic or an aesthetic edit i just want disney.

- request 59/? i would v much like a recipe for carbonara. i've never had it but it sounds fucking delicious

- request 60/? ooh hey can i get a makeup tutorial? i know you like makeup, i'm shit at doing makeup. teach me

- request 65/? i need the most emo playlist you can make that vibes with dear evan hansen thank you

- request 68/? i want a superwholock moodboard. this can be serious, with the actual fandoms in mind, or literally what the era felt like. the insanity. the horror.

- request 70/? ooh ooh ooh do you have a good bread recipe?? i wanna get that bread

- request 71/? i want a playlist with the vibes of summoning a demon. please don't ask questions. i don't have answers. and if i do, no i don't.

- For the requests, how about writing something based on a friend?

- request 75/? MMMM i want literally anything to do with natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812

- request 76/? i want some healthy recipes. help a girl out

- a feral bbb quote or two?

- you perceive my plant but now I dare thee to perceive mine own visage

- okay this is a two for one request. 1. you did the bee movie script so now we need a shrek two script edit 2. sleep please

- Pansexual mb for my lil queer soul?

- my (probably) final request is just for you to ramble about something, i don't really care what

- HI ILY CONGRATS AS WELL CAUSE IM LATE BUT CONGRATS. could i request a pirates of the caribbean (or just pirates) or whatever you what to do, free range.

- mood board for the beluga whales who got brought to the animal sanctuary in Iceland please?

- 100 follower request: Moodboard for my stuffed cow Oaky?

#cai's 200 #asks #mininacl

[mystxmomo]

Hajime is the least book smart but the most street smart of the entire group. He’s the one who comes across as super socially awkward but somehow can make friends with absolutely anyone. He’s constantly tired because Ultimates just don’t seem to think like regular humans do. Why doesn’t Souda know what being gay is? Why doesn’t Ibuki know the meaning of personal space? Why can’t Nekomaru learn what tmi means? No Peko can’t threaten someone with a sword and call it a joke afterwards He’s so tired

Hinata has always read to me like a stressed out straight A student who spends all of his time studying and still finds that it's not enough to earn his parents support. And because he spends all of his time studying, he did not have time for friends or clubs. I think when I was doing a character study for him, I decided that he had exactly one girlfriend growing up, but got so caught up in studying and his grades that when he finally looked up to spend time with her, she'd already moved on.

He's book smart but it's because he went out of his way to learn it. I don't think it comes as naturally to him, but just because it doesn't come naturally does not mean it should be discredited as something he has. The issue here ibeing, in the world of danganronpa, it's not enough just to BE smart. You have to be TALENTED to Excel. And Hinata would never meet that curve through sheer force of will.

That said, I do think his true intellect does lie in his ability to connect and understand people. It's a ramble I've gone on a very long time back (for a blog, at least) but I think Hinata is, at his core, an empathetic character. It's why Kamukura is a true mirror to him. When he became Kamukura, they took away the thing that made him Hinata. I think that out of every protagonist, he's the one that understands his friendgroup the most.

I just dont think this is something he knows or realizes because I think class 77-b is his first friendgroup, and also the weakness in his emotional intelligence is rooted in his insecurity in himself. He would not realize 77b like.. likes him. Or cares about him to the degree that they do. And I still think he's willing to put those spoons forward because he cares about them regardless of what he thinks he's getting in return.

The easiest way my nerd ass can put this is, Hinatas main dnd stats are intelligence and charisma. He has amazing logic deduction, as most dangan protagonists do, and he can connect with people real damn good. But when it comes to, say, remembering his sick friend has the liars disease? He's going to get caught up in the moment. He's inherently an emotional person who's empathy and connection with people comes before remembering circumstance. I don't think that has anything to do with his book smarts, and everything to do with boys own insecurities.

I also think Hinata is just not good at thinking in his toes like Naegi is. Hinata strikes me as someone that always needs to take a step back and think before he answers, because otherwise he panics and does end up spitting out something dumb. This is especially clear in an environment like a class trial, where the choices he makes MATTER, and their lives are on the line. Again, I don't think the fact that he has to do this means he's not book smart, its just how he thinks. He's not good at being cornered.

On top of that, game play mechanic wise, he's generally two steps ahead of the player. Or it's entirely possible my friendgroup is not on par. Final note is that in one of Komaedas island mode events, when they're at the library, the best answers he can give is "we should study" to which Komaeda replies

"haha" pause "oh wait you're serious."

And I get that the answers change depending on who you're with, but Komaeda's reaction tells me this is more for hinatas benefit then Komaeda's.

If you want the tldr, I genuinely think Hinata is one of the smartest protagonists right up next to Naegi, and I think that they sort of mirror one another in their strengths and weaknesses. And if sticking to the DR2 cast, I think Hinata and Komaeda hold the collective braincell of 77b. The rest of the class have specialties, but when you're looking at genuine book smarts, Hinata and Komaeda main that.

#im sorry if youre new here #but i am a sincere supporter of hinata being genuinely smart #like genuinely i wont read a fic or au if your entire characterization of hinata rests on how dumb he is #you know how everyone has those little things that bug them in fanfics? thats me with hinata. #Hinata Hajime #this turned into a #character analysis #but yeah if you come here expecting me to write for dumb Hinata youre gonna be disappointed.

[rosykims]

ok so heres an obligatory twc/detective oc infodump since i was up til 2am last night feverishly thinking abt Her

(tho um disclaimer i literally have just started so i know less than nothing abt anything lol)

her name is beatrice maddox ! but her friends/the whole town just calls her triss. hearing her full name just makes her feel like shes in trouble Unless its ava saying it and then shes 😳😳😳😳

shes bi ! aaaaand nobody is surprised in the slightest lmao ! she dated bobby and im ..... considering doing the n/a love triangle route tho i kno nothing abt it. definitely going to end up w ava tho bc i cannae resist

tattoos. EVERYWHERE. a couple are meaningful, but for the most part??? absolutely nonesensical 🥰 her tattoos were very carefully chosen to represent and Symbolize that she is Cool and Bisexual and Hot. thats it ✊

her personality is.... ok im not gonna try with the whole canon stats thing but she's very cheerful ! in a sort of Cool and casual and lighthearted way. maybe a little too lighthearted, almost as if it maybe.... it was a little forced 👀

shes a realist as opposed to an optimist/pessimist , but she tends have an ironic/lighthearted sense of humour that makes her seem a lot more silly than she is i guess? in truth, outside of like surface level warmth and extroversion for the sake of saving face, shes actually very reserved and awkward. i mean, she IS genuinely a very warm person, but theres a lot of darkness she tends to keep very deep inside herself, that virtually nobody has ever rly seen from her. shes the type of person who's GREAT at like, first impressions and having dozens and dozens of amicable aquaintances, but she rly struggles to form close friendships bc shes quite aloof and eccentric, sometimes says stuff that makes her sound callous, keeps a LOT of secrets and... hates opening up to ppl authentically lol! for reasons i'll get into!

she progressed thru her education and career stuff really quickly mostly due to being a gifted child ! obviously tho that means she also has gifted child syndrome lol. while she still excels professionally and on the surface she seems very functional and cheery and put together, her personal life has rly suffered bc of burnout and anxiety nd whatnot. emotionally shes not at the same place as others her age and shes just. very caught up inside her own head i guess and has a LOT of trouble relating to others, tho she's aquaintances/friendly with most everyone in the town. longterm relationships are VERY hard for her.

so. im already editing canon lol which is very on brand for me and it might not work idk !!!! but my lore for her rn is when she was a child, like 8 or 9, she um witnessed a murder/a body being discarded in the woods. it REALLY fucked her up.obviously. she was a kid and alone at the time and when she got home she was so ????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ abt it that she didnt tell her parents or let anybody know. at the time she still didnt rly understand what she saw, or at least didnt know how to handle situations like that bc literally Who would, but it still keeps her up at night, and shes still plagued by guilt and fear over it. the murder was never reported and nobody ever discovered anything, so sometimes she convinces herself that what she thinks she saw didnt actually happen ..... she rly doesnt know ! and it scared tf out of her !

that whole deal lead to her becoming uh quite morbid ! she was still a bright happy kid, but death sort of became like.... a n interest of hers, as well as criminals and finding out stuff. im still not sure if her focus is gonna be on detective work primarily or on science, ill maybe decide after my first playthru. anyway she never did anything that was like an actual red flag or anything xbxjsksms but she was just a Weird Girl growing up after that. she'd watch a LOT of true crime and read everything she could get her hands on and absolutely would have annoyed the shit out of all the detectives at the station.

speaking of annoying cops, shes also a reformed Rascal teenager. she was VERY rebellious as a kid, again mostly bc of Trauma, and was basically the loveable bane of wayhaven's existence for a good four years. again, she was mischievous but not in a malicious/dangerous way, but she definitely would have seen the inside of the station's jail cell a few times for like..idk. egging houses, graffiti, maybe weed idk ! just girly things! she ended up mellowing out soon afer highschool but shes still cool enough to have arm sleeve tattoos so u kno she still absolutely passes the vibe check

last point abt the murder but ! that event basically got repressed pretty quickly after it happened, she does not talk about it EVER, not to anybody. literally not a single person on earth knows what happened that day except her and the possibly-not-real-killer. and, while its sort of filed under the "Dont Consciously Think About This Ever" section of her brain, she obviously is haunted by it and has nightmares consistently, and its basically what inspired her to become a detective in the first place. bc its not so much about Seeing it that affected her so much as... not knowing who did it, not knowing what happened, and not being able to stop it. so much of her life after that was spent of Figuring Everything Out as like a coping mechanism, which obviously put a lot of pressure on her and strain on relationships, but it makes for great detectives lmao !

she is a hugely active person and needs constant mental simulation bc she genuinely hates quiet, and being left alone with her thoughts and memories. living alone sucks for her, so she usually has to play music as soon as she gets home, needs to go to sleep w music, needs to drive with music.... and driving is the worst. she sort of.... goes thru life feeling very ghostlike ! like shes living in a verh different world to everyone else. like shes waiting for something terrible to happen in every waking moment - its mostly practice that allows her to hide it with lightheartedness and jokes and deflective warmth, bc otherwise she'd go crazy !

i'll add more to this when i know more but if u read all of this i love you so much and you deserve a medal. im actually shocked im getting so into this already like i RLY didnt think i would

(ps her pinterest is a work in progress but it's here if anyones interested!)

#oc: triss #i love her so much already i love her so damn much #also i mentioned previously but her faceclaim in adelaide kane!!!!! #so like. bubbly but in a Hot way

[meredithalden]

DATING SIMS ARE GOOD AND YOU SHOULD PLAY THEM: A MANIFESTO

hello everyone, I am here today to talk to you about the most important literary genre ever created. yes that's right. you know exactly which one I mean.

This write-up presumes that you know absolutely zero about dating sims (to be more specific: dating simulation videogames), except for the fact that they exist. If you didn’t know that, well, now you know that. If any of this is a retread, my apologies. Please feel extremely free to comment, make corrections, additions, pile on, discourse, etc.

Part 1.  JAPANESE DATING SIMS: INCEPTION

Dating sims weren't invented by Konami, but they're the ones responsible for massively popularizing it and establishing all the now-classic genre standards (or genre cliches, depending on how you look at it). Tokimeki Memorial came out in 1994 for PC.

Per Wikipedia, lightly edited for clarity: "In a typical dating sim, the player controls a male avatar surrounded by a variety of female characters. The gameplay involves conversing with these girls, attempting to increase their internal 'love meter' through correct choices of dialogue and action. The game lasts for a fixed period of in-game time, such as one month, or three years. When the game ends, the player either loses the game if they failed to properly win over any of the girls, or they 'complete' one of the girls' routes, achieving eternal love (or getting sex, depending on what type of sub-genre the game falls under). This gives the games more replay value, since the player can focus on a different girl each time, trying to get a different ending."

Tokimeki Memorial (and all of its subsequent sequels and spin-offs) take place during the 3 years of the player character's Japanese high school career, including archetypal events such as the sports festival, the cultural festival, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's day, and (at the end of the game) graduation.

A poster on the Something Awful forums made an extremely comprehensive screenshot & text-based Let's Play of Tokimeki games 1 through 3, and also one of the spin-off games, where the genders are flipped. In that spin-off, the player avatar is a high school girl, pursuing various boys. (In general, gender-flipped genre variants where you play as a girl are referred to as "Otome Games," i.e. "Games for Young Ladies").

These Tokimeki Memorial Let's Plays are archived here.

In order to understand this foundational series, you definitely do not have to read this whole archive (it's approximately 1 billion words altogether. These games are long and text-heavy), but I would recommend reading reading the summary write-ups for each game in the overview page that I linked up above, and maybe the first couple update chapters for each game, so you can get a feel for the overall vibe & conventions of the genre. Or you can probably find a bunch of video LPs on YouTube, if that's more your style! Or you can play them yourself! (I played Girl's Side 2 on a Nintendo DS emulator, and enjoyed myself a whole bunch.)

I like this particular Let's Play a lot because   A. Reading is just personally easier and faster for me than watching   B. The author is really thorough and takes the time to explain all the idiosyncratic Japanese cultural tropes and references that come up, and I think that's neat.

Part 2.  THE CONTAGION SPREADS

Any game with characters that you can "romance," or build up their "affection stats" by making various choices, owes this mechanic to dating sims.

Some examples of games from completely different genres, which nevertheless incorporate dating sim mechanics:

Every Dragon Age game, every Mass Effect game, every Knights of the Old Republic game (thanks for doing what you do, Bioware!), Fallout 4, Assassin's Creed: Odyssey, Skyrim, Grand Theft Auto 4, Stardew Valley, Harvest Moon, Final Fantasy 7, the entire Persona series, The Witcher 3, indie darlings Oxenfree and Night in The Woods…

And also, there are a bunch of games that ARE straight-up dating sims, but stray from the genre-typical high school setting and genre-typical cast of beautiful hetero romanceable characters. They may also stray from the convention of having every character be "winnable."

You probably already know about Dream Daddy, where you play as a dad, and date other dads: https://kotaku.com/dream-daddy-creators-explain-why-you-can-t-smooch-all-t-1797354455

Rose of Winter is about a female mercenary warrior hired to escort 4 handsome princes: https://kotaku.com/rose-of-winter-is-a-visual-novel-about-first-love-1788036938

Katawa Shoujo is about a boy who transfers to a school for disabled children: http://www.katawa-shoujo.com/about.php

Monster Prom is about getting hot monsters to agree to be your prom date: http://monsterprom.pizza/

Part 3.  HEY YOU. YEAH YOU, BEHIND THE LAPTOP. HEY. YOU. I'M TALKING TO YOU.  

*puts on sunglasses*  Let's get...... metafictional.

I’m not going to say much about any of the following games. Just play them. Play them blind, or as close to blind as possible.

Play this:

don't take it personally, babe, it just ain't your story

Here is a non-spoilery review if you're curious to learn more first: https://killscreen.com/articles/review-dont-take-it-personally-babe-it-just-aint-your-story/

And then play this:

Hatoful Boyfriend

steam store link (DON'T READ ANY STEAM REVIEWS.)

Non-spoilery review here: https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/sep/12/hatoful-boyfriend-review-love-pigeons-japanese-dating-sim

And then play this next one.

Be advised that it gets heavy. If you play it at night, maybe don't be alone in the house. Content warning: “This game is not suitable for children, or those who are easily disturbed.”

Doki Doki Literature Club

steam store link (DO NOT READ ANY STEAM REVIEWS. DO NOT READ ANY OTHER REVIEWS. DO NOT READ ANYTHING. DO NOT GOOGLE THIS GAME. DON'T ASK YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT EITHER.*)

*If you want to know why it's good, or if you want to know more about the specific nature of the content warning before deciding if this game is okay for you to play, feel free to ask me. I'll let you know whatever you need to know to make an informed decision so you can feel comfortable.

~ The End ~

Thank you for coming to my thesis defense. Everyone, be sure to tell me which dateable dads, pigeons, monsters, and fictional Japanese high school students you think are the cutest and the best and most dateable.

#i came out of tumblr retirement to post this #manifesto #dating sims #japanese dating sims #tokimeki memorial #hatoful boyfriend #ddlc

[ladylynse]

i recently posted my first fic onto ao3, im usually on ff net, and i've come to find that i like the statistics and traffic graphs better on ff net, because it shows traffic based on day and month and all together rather than it just all on ao3. Unless ofc i'm wrong and dont know how to work ao3 which is possible ... which do u prefer?

To my knowledge, the only way to divide up the stats is by year--not month/day or fic/chapter or anything like FFnet. To be perfectly honest, though, I haven’t played around with it much beyond toggling between flat view and fandom view, which really only matters if you write a lot of crossovers.

When I was first starting out, I checked my stats/traffic a lot, trying to figure out which hits were just people jumping off the first chapter to the latest chapter compared to how many were reading through the whole fic or potentially clicking on the first chapter, deciding they hated the fic, and leaving. So, I can certainly understand why you’d miss having that amount of detail on the AO3. (Also, it’s fun to see how much which fandom you write for affects the countries in which you have the most readers.)

In the end, though, the number of hits will always outweigh everything else, and it will always be in such a ratio that makes you wonder if you should even bother posting anything. (I know this isn’t what you asked, but it’s worth saying: You should keep writing if you enjoy it. It’s hard, putting all that effort into something and not being sure if anyone else likes it--I’ve been there, posting multiple chapters of a fic without getting a review--but you’ll continue to improve and someone will invariably find your fic and love it. And if you decide you absolutely hate it at some point in the future and don’t want to be associated it, AO3 has an orphan feature so you don’t need to take the fic down and have sad readers like me who had a favourite fic that got deleted because the author didn’t feel it was good enough.) 

I personally don’t look much at the number of hits on my fics anymore, so I don’t really have a preference on that front for how the stats are displayed. If I look at them, it’s within the first day or two after posting a fic, and then I don’t need to go onto the stats page. I judge the popularity of my fics based on how many people take the time to actually leave a review/comment rather than the number of people who click on it. Because if they’re taking five seconds--or, bless them, five or ten minutes--to say something, then I feel like I’ve done a good job. (Ranting and complaining (very different from rambling) happens, but thankfully not very often.) I know that’s an arguably dangerous viewpoint to take, but it’s where I’m currently settled. I got a review yesterday that straight up said, “This is the first fic I've ever really wanted to review”, so I’m not terribly inclined to change my view on that any time soon. 

I will admit that I’d rather the AO3 showed the number of comment threads instead of the number of comments, though--like they do on the stats page--since I sometimes (often) reply to comments and that will artificially inflate the number. That is one stat I’m happier with on FFnet for that reason. Not putting much stock in stuff like follows/subscriptions, though, or really anything else, it doesn’t bother me that I have less detailed information the AO3.

#ladylynse #asks #Anonymous

[minecraftoworymode]

local admin discovers this CRAZY life hack, other admins HATE him! click to find out more -->

no but seriously what the hell kind of drama is bad enough that you kill one of your best friends and torture the other for an unspecified but presumably quite lengthy amount of time? did fred start kinning one of romeo’s ‘no doubles’ IDs? did they accuse romeo of being a homestuck and, having no way to deny the truth, he killed them in a blind panic? they didn’t play romeo’s nine-hour oblivion mod and he took this as a supreme betrayal? romeo wouldn’t get off the xbox when it was xara’s turn? what led to them fighting “for control of the world”?

i mean, given how much romeo wants friends you’d think that for him to consciously yeet the only ones he had there’d have to be a really good reason for it, right? right??

[well, at least it’s free real estate. everything in this post is headcanon territory, so to save both of us the trouble of having to read “i think” or “probably” or “evidence suggests” every two sentences i’ll be speaking as if this actually happened. but if anyone else has an idea of what the heck happened, i’d love to hear others’ takes!!!]

big Fs in the chat tonight, pals. for all that he wants people to like him, romeo is really, really, REALLY bad at going about it like a normal person. (ESPECIALLY in canon. like. frankly it’s almost to the point of seeming intentional because NO ONE can be that dense about being such an absolute and utter scoundrel. who does things that actively malicious without being aware of how hurtful it is? even capitalists generally know they’re being bastards. canon, man. i dont know.)

but- he wasn’t always quite that bad at it. it’s just that once you’ve tripped and spilled paint all over your canvas, and also you have god powers that give you infinite copies of other peoples’ paintings, it’s a lot easier to plug your ears chuck the canvas in the trash and go LA LA LA, MUST’VE BEEN THE PAINT’S FAULT instead of admitting you made a mistake, cleaning up the mess you made, and trying again.

the admins’ friendship was the canvas. here is the paint.

romeo really wants people to be his friends, and he couldn’t have had better ones than fred and xara. and honestly? he was perfectly fine with leaving behind everything and everyone else he’d ever known- all he needed were the other admins, no one and nothing else. dependency whoms’t? but for fred and xara, whose stances on relationships were , just a bit healthier than that- as much as they loved romeo- they missed the people they’d left behind.

romeo had invited them here- first xara, then fred- and while he’d of course agreed to let them go back whenever they asked they’ve- like, the idea hasn’t really seriously come up in... it’s been a very long while. i’m still working on the exact timeline here but it’s been- he’d almost completely forgotten about it, actually. they, on the other hand... hadn’t. 

it’s like a freaking 2x combo double whopper whammy of being abandoned and also not being “enough” that hits romeo right in the heart nuts. but hey! necessity (or what he thought necessity) is the mother of invention, and for all that he thinks himself stupid he figured out a solution- more than a solution, even! he could do them one better than bringing them the people they missed. he would bring them the people they wanted.

the custom npcs mod allows you to create, well, npcs. it allows you to set their schedules, dialogue, stats, appearance, etc. and you do most of it by right-clicking with a hoe which i find hilarious but ANYWAY romeo came up with something similar. at first, his constructs were... not very convincing, but a little help from a bright-eyed friend made them almost indistinguishable from real people. (herobrine is another post, but for the record this isn’t even the biggest crap he’s pulled.)

he was so excited, presenting his gift to fred and xara. look, i was thinking- you said you missed that one roommate, right, even though they always left the door open and didn’t put food away? ta-dah! look at that, closing the door like a gentleman! and you were missing your counsellor, right? well, miss no more! they’re programmed to always be there for you- you never have to worry about scheduling or other patients, here’s someone who will always care! and that’s not all- if you’ve been having trouble with any of your moderators- or even the normal humans, those are fun too sometimes- this lets you change their mind! literally! no more arguing about what colour to make the new concrete blocks, no more fighting over who gets the first seat in the rollercoaster, you’ll never have to deal with any of that ever again-! ... hey, why aren’t you- why do you- why are you looking at me like that? xara? ... fred?

yeah, it... doesnt go over too well. the tool ends up broken, and romeo promises to not use it again- though only because it upset fred and xara, not because he really saw anything wrong with it. and he keeps that promise for a time. of course the paint can is already leaking, but romeo doesn’t see that yet. none of them really see what’s coming, not fully. how could they? no one wants to think the worst of the ones they love.

but they’re all understandably... tense, and romeo always tended to look to people to vent his emotions, and- the person who would come to be the warden  has a huge fight with romeo, right in front of fred and xara’s salad. like. it’s really bad. they’re both on the verge of tears and the warden SLAMS the door as he leaves, which does make romeo cry. and the other two are like... hey... do you want anything... some cake...? prog rock...? we can cuddle...? n romeo’s usually already invited himself to one or more of those things by now but instead of throwing himself into their arms and wailing he’s just, standing there silently, tears streaming down his face, looking of all things pensive. and next in the series of many shocking things to come, he does something he’s never done before: he brightens and says, “i’m going to fix this,” before resolutely walking out the door.

fred and xara are like. oh my god. is- is he actually going to talk out his feelings and problems? is this- is healthy open communication here? did we do it? have we reached the mental wellness? is it finally happening? n romeo comes back a few hours later with his arm around the warden’s shoulders and they're both smiling and laughing and it sounds like everything's worked out just fine. in fact, after that, a bunch of people who’d had beef with romeo in the past seem to work things out with him, all parties seeming genuinely happier for it. romeo’s made a real change! fred and xara have never been more proud, more relieved, or more wrong.

he can’t lie to his friends. he can lie to everyone else, up to and including himself, but not to the ones he loves. it’s just... they’d been so happy, and he’d never seen anyone that proud of him, and, and...

that doesn’t go over too well either. and he should really make the tool out of something other than like, wood, so it stops getting broken so easily? he certainly has time to do so- the silence that follows is the longest the admins have ever gone without talking to one another. in retrospect they probably should’ve known that things were only going to get worse from there, but could you blame fred and xara for hoping beyond hope that- since they were always the ones to drag romeo out of his sulking and brooding- him coming to them first was a sign that he’d changed, for real this time? and the way he starts the conversation- by saying how the admins’ absence has impacted the people in their care- it’s certainly promising.

but- ah, what’s that line? something like,

"Oft expectation fails, and most oft there Where most it promises; and oft it hits Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits."

there are very, very few things that make fred visibly angry. not that things don’t ever make them mad, it’s just that their dedication to living their best life means that they’re generally able to keep a firm grip on how they express their emotions. but for romeo to brainwash- no, worse than brainwash- they don’t even have a word for it- fred’s own people? they’re called their friends for a reason! it doesn’t MATTER that he thought it’d make fred happy- did he think, for even a moment, about listening to what they’d said? does he not realize how absolutely vile it was to do that? the others are real people, too! all of them, not just the ones he considers his friends- do you even understand what that word means, romeo? "friend"?

what really burns is that fred isn’t just angry- they’re disappointed. they’re scared. they’re just as hurt as he is, which is just- how DARE they?! ROMEO’S the one who’s being yelled at! why are THEY crying?! (they’re all in tears now, actually, but romeo doesn’t notice his own.)

a deep breath. fred asks him to undo what he’s done. romeo doesn’t move.

a tense heartbeat. fred asks again, and takes a step forward. this time romeo flinches back.

there’s not a single quark between the three of them right now not on edge. it feels like the air before a lightning strike. something’s going to break. none of them are backing down. maybe none of them can because, if romeo’s not going to do it himself- fred takes a final step forward and asks, remarkably calmly, for romeo to give them the tool.

and then he does! and they apologize to each other for not having been more open about their feelings and defining and maintaining their boundaries and then they make up and have a really good hug and it’s great, everything’s great, and this is probably the mental image romeo tried to fall asleep to before realizing that that wouldn’t stop the nightmares and just giving up on the whole “resting” thing. 

if you’re beginning to notice a pattern here with things really not going well, you might just be onto something about romeo’s behaviour. but to be fair none of them had gone into this situation expecting a fight- it was just, fred tried to take the tool and romeo instinctively pulled his weapon and- none of them realized quite how long fred had been losing blood? romeo had been lashing out, fred had been trying to take something he was holding while also trying to defend themself, xara had been trying to protect fred (and was also lashing out too, just a little)- i mean, they realized. eventually. and by that point honestly accidentally stabbing them wasn’t going to do anything the life force loss hadn’t, so like... 

okay, brief side note: as operator, romeo’s existence maintains the mcsm universe. he can’t die, even if he wants to. xara and fred had the next best deal (arguably anyway), in that they could only be truly hurt by one thing: the person who’d given them administrative powers in the first place. which happened to be the same person who’d, like, just stabbed his best friend and was now staring in open horror as said friend’s skin flickered back to its original appearance before-

just like that they were gone. just like that. the lack of body and inventory really should’ve tipped them off that something wasn’t right, but for all that they both replay that moment in their minds for years to come they somehow never consider that fred wasn’t quite dead. and romeo had always had such an imagination! but maybe it was for the best that they didn’t consider it, anyway. ... maybe it was for the best.

it doesn’t have to almost kill xara for romeo to take her powers, but it does anyway because if romeo made a lot of stupid decisions before that’s just gotten amped up to eleven now that 90% of his impulse control is gone.

oh.

oh no.!!

romeo watch out almost a millennium of unprocessed trauma and grief is sneaking up on you- romeo- oh my god he can’t hear us he has minecraft airpods in- romeo oh nO

anyway thanks for coming to my tedtalk! tune in next time to hear about the fallout of romeo’s actions across multiple worlds and the group of dissidents whose entire existence is to, well, diss romeo, aka soren’s cult. in conclusion:

#mcsm #minecraft story mode #me a bit over a month ago: huh i wonder what this mcsm business is about #me now: #ng+ #msg

[falsificatore]

       introducing liam d’antona as antony

“ our courteous antony, whom ne’er the word of ‘no’ woman heard speak ”  - enobarbus, antony and cleopatra (act II, scene II)

gday ! my name’s jason, i’m 18, use he/him pronouns, and live in eastern melbourne/the aedt timezone. this is my last year of mostly free time before i move to scotland to get my bachelors degree in acting - i’m insanely excited for this group, and i can’t wait to meet and write with you all! without any further ado, here’s liam!

stats

full name: liam riley santino d’antona age: 18 dob: 5th of december, 2001 gender: cis male pronouns: he/him nationality: english hometown: london, england current residence: edinburgh, scotland spoken languages: english & italian, both fluently - also knows some latin from school

history

( his full bio ended up being i-dont-even-know-how-many-thousand words long - again, kati, i’m so sorry - so for this intro i’m just gonna do my best to boil it down to the key points, but if you’d like to take a gander at the full thing you can do so here! )

tw for parental neglect, alcoholism, and death

liam d’antona was born the first and only child of an english businessman and the heiress of a historic italian winery - his parents had met in edinburgh in their early twenties, his father a student at ashcroft and his mother simply there on holiday. they kept up correspondence even when she returned home to campania, and pretty much as soon as he graduated he came down to stay with her - he won her parents affections through very quickly managing to expand their business to being more of a household name in the uk, and after they got married only a year and a half into their proper relationship they spent a few years making connections, going to lavish parties, and spending way more money than they needed to. both had already come from fairly wealthy families, but the increase in business certainly helped boost them a fair bit. 

finally, for no reason that liam could retrospectively figure out, they had him - and it was fair to say they weren’t the most generously loving parents. he was more a trophy baby than anything else, and while they were never especially vicious to him, they didn’t go out of their way to make sure he was being cared for. luckily, though, he had relatives who did - those being his grandfather on his father’s side, and his nonna on his mother’s. 

the two of them had only met in person once at his parent’s wedding, but they played equally important roles in essentially raising him as he grew up. his grandfather’s house was only a few minutes drive from his parent’s in london, so he spent more time there than not in his early childhood, spending most his time being read any book from his shelves that looked intriguing visually, and when it wasn’t that he would be taken to plays, galleries, museums, he’d be taught how to use a fountain pen and tie a tie, told stories upon stories about his life before his father was born. that was only for three quarters of the year, however - in the summers, liam’s family would travel down to campania to be with his mother’s family. while his nonno took care of business and entertaining his parents, his nonna would tell him about their family history, take him through the vineyard and down ancient streets, let him vent about his school life and tell reaffirm all the things he should be proud of about himself, her passerotto - she’d only ever get stern with him when his italian was off, but even then, she’d come round and forgive him within seconds. 

he doesn’t have a lot of clear memories of his early childhood, but he knows one thing for sure - it was golden.

primary school is where his early memory starts to clear up, especially when it comes to how he met his best friends - distracted when they were first put together as a group for an art class, they’d ended up essentially just spending the first ten minutes throwing paint at one another to see what worked, and when they got sent out and told to wait in the hallway, they’d ended up just heading outside and spending the rest of the lesson time trying to clean their uniforms under the bubblers while they got properly acquainted. he did manage to get on the good side of pretty much everyone else in his year level over time - he could tell jokes, he could speak italian, he knew enough random bullshit to impress people, and he’d actually argue with their teachers but in a way he just couldn’t get in trouble for it - but his gang of four? they were absolutely inseparable. 

when it came to actually learning, that’s where liam fell short - he’d only be able to focus if he actually cared about the subject, which was rare, and even then, liam’s always learned in conversations - all the random bullshit he’s learned, that’s all through things people have told him in discussion. he needs to be able to talk back if he wants to actually retain anything or he’ll just zone out and do something he finds more interesting - any individual studying he’s done is just to win an argument or make a point. the only extracurricular he ever did was debating - he was on his primary school team for his last two years there, but wasn’t allowed on his highschool one given how he outwardly said that the other teams points were ‘absolute bullshit’ when it was his turn to speak in the trial debates.

for his whole schooling career up until he was 16, there were only two classes he could say he did well in - latin, since it was close enough to his second language to be able to piece most things together, and english/literature, since he’d spent most of his time as a kid reading the books that would end up part of the curriculum. pretty much all of his electives were either with teachers he knew loved him, ones no one else would pick so all his friends could make it in, or simple bludge subjects - and one of the ones that fell into the last category was philosophy. he went into it with no clue what he should be expecting, but within twenty minutes he’d fallen in love - it was the one class where he was supposed to argue about nonsensical bullshit, supposed to think of out-there justifications, supposed to do all the shit he’d been sent outside time and time again for in every single other subject. it was like it was made for him - and for a teen alcoholic with an unfavourable learning style, those sorts of classes don’t come easily.

an alcoholic isn’t what liam would call himself - but the compulsive liar he is, his word shouldn’t always be trusted, especially when it comes to drinking. for him, it’s never been a risk, never an act of rebellion - his family’s fortune, his parent’s whole relationship, it was built on wine. he’s been drinking since he was five, sat up at his nonni’s dinner table with a glass of red next to his meal, and when he was finally allowed to tag along to his parent’s parties, no one seemed to mind him taking the champagne only offered by the waiters out of courtesy - some because they found it adorable, some because they were too inebriated themselves to think about it, and his parents? they simply just didn’t care. his mother had grown up with the same familiarity - it was just family custom, really. family custom that may have lead to a dependence, sure, but custom nonetheless - the passing around and judging of a new brand is the d’antona monopoly night.

for seven years since he started, his consumption was minimal - he’d have a glass at dinner, of course, and he’d take something if he was offered at a soiree, that was just polite - but it wasn’t until he was twelve when he slowly started to swim into dangerous waters. he himself wasn’t fully aware of the cause, but then, he wasn’t fully aware anything was changing other than he suddenly needed more and more to distract himself and feel anything but how he was - but the cause was there.  

his grandfather’s passing was nothing less than objective - one day he’s in his library, bitching about one of the dickheads from across the city they’d debated in their tournament that afternoon, and less than a week later his father arrives home from an unusual absence, sits him down at the table, and tells him - actually, he doesn’t know what he told him. he just comes away from it knowing he’d died. he can’t remember the conversation, can’t remember anything between the talk and the funeral - only that he hadn’t cried. neither of them had cried. he treated the funeral with the same business formality he treated his parent’s parties, keeping conversations short with a polite enough smile - but then, when the service starts and people he’d never met before start coming up and telling stories about him, his whole life, a life he’d only been there for a tiny fraction of, and the sheer love they have for him, the same as his - it’s too much. he can’t carry the coffin, can’t watch the hearse drive away - he simply collapses into his mother’s shoulder when they walk past the front row, and he sobs. for the first time since he was a newborn, he goes to her for comfort, and she gives it, in murmured italian he can’t be bothered trying to understand - but it can only last a few minutes before he has to pull away, wipe his eyes, and join the rest of the crowd. he stands alone at the burial. he doesn’t go to the wake. 

from then on out, he does remarkably fine. he goes back to talking at the back of the classroom, back to roaming the city with his friends, back to fancy parties - yes, he’s started topping up his own glasses more, taking a bottle with him when he and his friends go to hang out in the park, but he’s not crying, he’s not wallowing, and that, to him, is what matters. if there is one thing, though - he can’t bring himself to clear out the house with the others. when he comes home from an outing he’d organised as an excuse to get out of it and finds boxes and boxes of books in the corner of his room, he can’t touch them - can’t touch them for two more years. it’s only when he wakes up, fourteen, with one of the worst hangovers he’s ever had, that he finally turns to them - he can’t leave his room, he can’t look at a screen, so he finally grabs one at random. and he reads. and he cries, a bit, when he comes to the parts he can suddenly remember reading with him, when he’d do the voices or chime in to explain for the millionth time why what a character did was stupid - it’s cathartic, in a way. that becomes practice - whenever he’s hungover, at first, but soon it’s whenever he’s bored, whenever he’s lonely, he’ll go over and pick up another book, and he’ll read it until it’s done. soon enough, he uncovers a set of fountain pens, the ones he’d been taught to use as a kid, and he starts to use them again, properly, even if his friends give him shit for it at first. he goes down to his grave for the first time since he was buried, and though he doesn’t cry like he still feels like he’s meant to, he opens up a bottle of baileys - his favourite - and just talks. fills him in on all he’d missed, how his friends are doing, the girlfriends he’s had and lost since he started highschool, everything - and though he doesn’t stop drinking or properly clean up his act, he’s able to carry on.

as much as he would like to carry out all the wishes he doesn’t fully know, theres one thing liam knows he can’t do - and that’s go to ashcroft. both his father and grandfather went, business and literature majors respectively, and he knows full well they were both star students - but school’s not for him, especially not a school that posh, no matter how much they’d both encouraged him to apply as soon as he’s able. he’s seventeen, and he and his friends are taking full advantage of the fact that the school courtyard’s empty during their free gcse study period while everyone else is either in classes or, in their year, in the library - and then one of them comes up with the first spark of the plan. it’s simple - he knows he won’t have good enough results to get in, so to get his dad off his back, he’ll send whatever he gets off to ashcroft anyway, tucked in an envelope with a letter from his philosophy teacher - because who else - and some bullshit essay, and when he inevitably gets rejected, he’ll take as much money as he can and flee in shame. they all will - they’ll move to another part of london, or travel europe, or go to stay in campania, or wherever, and they’ll keep living their lives in opulence, only several hundred miles from where they first began. he does his exams, completely wasted all the while, and when his results come back he doesn’t even bother giving more than philosophy a glance before throwing them into the photocopier and sending the copy away to edinburgh. it’s flawless.

it should’ve been flawless.

when the acceptance letter comes, an actual letter in the actual post, the dickheads, he’s stunned. it takes over an hour for him to process it - there’s no way in hell he should’ve got in, but it’s his name on the envelope, his name at the top of the letter, he’s read it over and over and over again, there’s no mistake. he spends hours trying to find where the original copy of his grades were - on the photocopier, where he’d left them - and when he actually looks, he’s nearly paralysed where he stands. his mark for every subject, they’re all amazing. his whole life, he’s barely managed an average for most of his classes - when he asks his father, he just shrugs. he knows, he knows these can’t be his actual grades, he barely even remembers the exams - it isn’t until muckup day that he finds his answer.

they’re hidden at the back of the staffroom pigeonholes, only the ones belonging to his teachers - in each one, three bottles of wine, tied together with a ribbon, and attached, a card he immediately recognises as bearing an all-too-familiar signature.

it’s a school full of rich wankers, any family could use money as a bribe for better grades - but he knows full well how much all of this is worth.

not just any family can freely give out some of the finest wine in europe.

at first, he wants to go straight home, shout at his parents, call them out on all of their bullshit - he’s lied to get out of worked, sure, but he’s never cheated to get a ‘not exactly one in a million but pretty damn close’ position in one of the most prestigious schools in the country, and this isn’t even what he wants - but as he’s heading down the hallway back towards the main entrance of the building, he realises. he can’t. if he tells them he knows, then he’s admitting that he didn’t want to get in, he’s admitting he was trying to get rejected - he’ll ruin any chance he may have at salvaging the plan.

so he doesn’t mention it. he books a hotel he can stay in while he’s there for the campus tour, packs a bag and jumps on the 5:30am train from london to edinburgh. when his phone inevitably dies, he’s left only with the book he threw in last minute if he doesn’t want to just stare out into the countryside like he’s reenacting some kind of harry potter bullshit - it turns out to be moby dick, which is fine, not ever really a favourite, but decent enough for passing the time - but then he hits chapter 39. 

‘i know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, i’ll go to it laughing.’

he’d managed to forget about it until that moment, let it sink away like basically everything else he’d lost from his childhood, but - it was the quote his grandfather had always used to reassure him, to give him confidence. the evening before his first day of primary school, he’d kneeled before him, lifted his chin, and they’d said it together, and he had, he had gone in laughing, if he hadn’t he wouldn’t have made any of his friends, gotten away with any of the shit he had - it feels like a sign, in some stupid sort of a way. and then, when he actually arrives for the tour the next day, he happens to spot a board up on the wall, and at first he’s willing to just look past it, it’s just a boring old honours board, he’d seen plenty in his time - but then a name catches his eye. his grandfather’s name, illuminated by the faintest bit of sunlight coming in through the window - and it hits him like a bolt of lightning.

he has to be here. 

it only cements itself further and further as he walks around with the rest of the group, takes in the art, the architecture, everything - it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t deserve to stay, he’ll make it so he does. he’ll work hard. he’ll actually pay attention, even when he doesn’t want to. he’ll study everything he’s told, not just the things he wants to prove a point about. he won’t stop drinking, but he’ll only do it at the end of the day. he’ll be the model of a philosophy student. he’ll care. because if he doesn’t, he’ll have to leave - and if he has to leave, he has no idea what he’ll do with himself. 

it may be a retrospective resolution, but he’ll do it. he’ll earn his place at ashcroft or he’ll die trying.

personality 

(very, very narrowed down, only key points)

+ definitely something he’s inherited from having successful businesspeople as parents, liam is quite the charmer - he’s been able to get away with most of the shit he’d pulled at school for so long simply with a smile, a shrug, or a baffled ‘i don’t know, it wasn’t us, do you want me to try and ask around?’  + despite being largely neglected save for social situations by aforementioned successful businesspeople parents, liam is genuinely compassionate more often than not, and he tries his hardest to stay polite and civil, avoiding conflict when possible and trying to include people if they’re being left out - or at least figure out why it is they got left out in the first place. + even though schoolwork isn’t really his forte, he is naturally quite curious about the world, and loves debating questions and figuring out answers - if something intrigues him, he won’t be able to forget about it until it’s properly dealt with - even then the chance of it leaving his mind is rather small. when he wants to learn, he’ll learn, and he’s good at it - he’s a quick thinker and has a good memory. + above all else, liam is a romantic - he’s had more than his fair share of partners, but all of them he’s treated with equal adoration and respect. he falls in love with someone before even properly realising they’re in front of them, and he’ll do anything he can to make them feel cared for and like they can be comfortable around him. he has a lot of love, not just for people - old books, italy, good drinks, fountain pens - he’ll love something for the love of it, not because it’ll make him look more cultured or help him get further with those around him.

= liam is fairly matter-of-fact and objective - though this helps him get things done and does certainly lend a hand coming straight into the middle of a post-murder scene without letting emotions that aren’t really his cloud his vision, it can get in the way of him properly connecting with people he may not see as justified.  

- though it did help him make his way through both primary and secondary school without having to do much work, liam is a compulsive liar, and he has very little problem with it - he’s keeping up a lie he was at first horrified by that his parents put in place to stay at ashcroft, for example. being a good bluffer isn’t necessarily a good thing, and he doesn’t fully understand that. this extends to how he acts around others, able to quickly put on a mask and discard his emotions, no matter how well he’s actually doing. he doesn’t have time to feel bad, he has a job to do.

- although he does try to avoid lashing out, his temper can quickly rise and get the better of him - he does try to handle his argumentative streak by debating about irrelevant, stupid topics, which does work a treat to stop him from yelling at people, but it can definitely be annoying to some.

- despite confidence being good in some situations, it doesn’t always lend him a hand in trying to fit in with the others - especially in the aftermath of a murder, he should have more tact when it comes to approaching members of the society, but he really has no qualms with going up and just talking to them even if they’d love nothing more but to swat him like a fly, which, in some cases, he may definitely deserve.

- unless he really cares for the subject, liam will put in as little effort as possible, if any, to try and do a good job - despite being energetic, he mostly directs it strictly away from his schoolwork. if he doesn’t want to lend a hand, he’ll simply walk away with no concern for who he’s leaving behind.

imperium

it’s fair to say that liam got into not just ashcroft, but the imperium society because of his family’s notoriety and history with the school - but his name isn’t all he has, even if he doesn’t fully see it himself. he’s a skilled debater, able to see things both objectively and have that objective be outside of the box, and this has lent more than a hand when it comes to his work in his philosophy classes. he can take a lot of knowledge in and boil it down to the things that really matter, which, given how large some of the concepts covered are, is a fairly significant skill for his subject, and he’s able to apply or retract lenses to matters at the drop of a hat to see things from another perspective. he can find an argument in anything, and until he’s perfectly sure he’ll never be 100% concrete in any one view. in short; despite being brash about it, he’s a good philosopher.

octavia

liam honestly didn’t even know that there had been a murder at ashcroft until after he arrived - when he did learn about it properly, he was already beyond the point of being put off from the school by the fact. it was only when he was invited to the imperium society that he had to properly think about it - because it didn’t take a genius to realise there’s no way he’d be in if the spot hadn’t open up. immediately it started gnawing at him, and it was only made worse when he moved into escalus house, in the empty room he quickly learned was once lysanders. he’s felt like he’s being watched since he came in, and even though he knows its ridiculous and he has no reason to feel like he’s overstepping by being there, he’s tried to avoid being in the room on his own since he arrived, much preferring to hang around the communal spaces or just stick close to ophelia. he’s tried to avoid getting involved in the other member’s feelings about octavia’s death since it’s not his place and, honestly, he has no real idea what to make of it. he knows it was a tragedy, and he know it affected them all deeply, especially his cousin who he has the heaviest concern for - but he’s never been the best griever, he knows that just carrying on with his life and ignoring it isn’t a good way to go about death even if it “worked” for him, what’s he supposed to say to those still in the throws of mourning?

he doesn’t remember when he first dreamed about her, because really, he didn’t even know it was her - it wasn’t until he saw her photo up in one of the rooms that he was able to put a person to the face, but by that point, the dreams had been numerous. at first he just brushed it off - he’d probably just seen the photo in passing, and drinking a bit too much every night to make up for not being able to do it between classes like he had in highschool probably did something to his mind. but they kept coming, relentlessly - so, slowly, he’s started looking into things. this is just a problem he needs to deal with, deal with it and he’s done, he doesn’t need to get it involved with the others - and even though he tells himself he wants it to be done with faster, truly, he’s intrigued. he can’t rule out ghosts not existing, he’s a philosophy student, he’s spent more than his fair share of time debating it in class, what happens after death - so if she is really her, and it isn’t just because he’s thinking about it a lot more now, then doesn’t that mean something’s happened to bring her back? he’s no detective - but he’ll find an answer. despite this, he’s avoided joining in on rumours of her return, and denies ever having seen her, dream or otherwise.

miscellaneous

ExTP (50/50 observant/intuitive) the debater/the entrepreneur 9w8, the referee  sanguine gryffindor

- he has genuinely no idea what he wrote in his essay to get accepted into ashcroft - he was drunk while writing it, which isn’t a huge surprise given he hasn’t been fully sober at any given moment since he was about 14, but usually when he’s closer to sober than not he’s able to recall something. with the essay, though, complete blank.

- he’s never played any instrument, but he loves violin music - his first celebrity crush was alexander rybak, and he still has most of his discography on his playlists 11 years after first seeing him in eurovision.

- he’s been to italy every summer without fail since he was born, and though his mother was fluent in english, she still spoke to him in italian when they were at home.

- he is dependent on alcohol, but he’s pretty good at hiding the fact he has a few shots to wake him up in the morning and at least two glasses of wine in the evening - but he’s been drinking as a family thing since he was a kid, so you’d suppose he’s used to it. it takes a lot for him to get properly drunk.

- he’s never learned how to drive, but, again - hasn’t been sober since he was 14.

- he never watched a lot of movies or tv growing up, and still doesn’t, but he adores the truman show - he watched it for his philosophy class in high school when he was first starting out, and now it’s a go-to whenever he’s bored.

- he likes the debating aspect of his philosophy classes more than actually learning about the philosophers behind what he’s being taught.

- his handwriting is more than illegible, and it’s definitely not helped by the dual factors that he’s using easily smudged fountain pen ink and that half his notes are in italian - granted, translating helps him remember, but it’s no help to anyone else who wants to read them for revision.

- as far as his gang from school are aware, he hates ashcroft and is still trying to find a way to get himself expelled.

- he’s good at breaking things but can rarely put them perfectly back together - in his own words, he’s perfectly capable of undoing knots, but he struggles beyond shoelaces and ties and has literally no clue how people manage to tie two pieces of string together.

- despite struggling in school environments, he does still know a fair bit about history and just general random trivia, though for the most part its just things he picked up in conversations.

pinterest

#spectreintro #FINALLY got this done my god #most of this is copy/pasted from his app but narrowing his bio took. so long also i didnt even shorten it that much?? very annoying #ah well #[ about ]

[adventurers-guide]

Let's get this blog started off right! As a DM what advice do you have for new player or new group etiquette?

For COMPLETELY new players;

First the negatives, the DONTs.

Please do not play a spellcaster. It’s not just for the other people’s sake, but spellcasters and other complex classes are difficult to learn and introduce many things at once which you may not be ready for. Pick a class or build that is not exceedingly complex, you can always retire your hero (heroic last stand anyone?) later if you feel confident in building a new one. That said, if you read the build/class sheet or rules and understand them, go for it.

Don’t be afraid of accents. Every person I know has one accent they can do, even if it’s goofy or barely passable. USE it. You WILL get better at it!

Don’t ask the GM for permission to do stuff, (but maybe ask the Players). Instead of asking if you CAN do something, it may be wise to ask the over-under odds; use your skills and stats and rolls to size up the situation and act based on that information. If you’re considering something that might disrupt a situation, try to pass a hand gesture to your allies in-character. Get them in on the act. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Don’t expect to be some super-powerful badass. You’re new to a system, setting or group, you will likely have some growing pains to work out. If you see some real issues later on, discuss retraining or retiring the character with the GM. 

Don’t distract yourself! Especially true of online games, but IRL games, too; don’t split your attention if you don’t absolutely have to. 

Now the DO’s

BE ON TIME.

BE CONSISTENT.

Be impressed by other character’s actions. Encourage them to do badass stuff. They’re your allies (hopefully) and that means recognizing when they kick butt, even if it’s begrudgingly.

Have a character goal. A big one, ideally. One that requires teamwork and lots of questing. Small goals are for Gnome Futbol.

Work with a concept FIRST. what kind of character do you want to be? what job dot hey have? How do they do it? Get those figured in roughly before anything else!

Work WITH your GM in building a character. Pitch your idea and get their feedback, that way you have a better idea of what to expect, and sometimes they may even give you some storyline importance or other gubbins. Don’t necessarily expect it, but it does happen.

Work WITH your fellow players! Build a companion character for another player (sibling, comrade, employee, etc); it sets up a unique interaction dynamic and gives you an instant ally.

Work out an easy gesture for talking in-character and in languages. This will help prevent confusion as to what things are being said and being done.

For New GROUPS;

Have the rules on hand, but don’t sweat finding the exact tidbit.

Remember rule zero (the rules are a guideline)

Rolls only count on the battle mat.

Rolls on the battle mat ALWAYS count.

Good Players never fudge your dice.

Good GMs never fudge dice to hurt a PC.

#tabletop roleplaying #Dungeons and dragons #D&D #missster-anderson

[yeoldontknow]

I'm thinking of opening commissions for my writing! Do you have any advice for sites to use or pricing? Or anything in general? Thank you!

hi anon! apologies for the delay on my reply to this. ive not really been home or at my computer the last several days. and yesterday i was sick :( but !! congrats on deciding to move forward with this! its always a difficult decision to come to since its a little hard to see your work as something of value or something someone would pay for (this goes into like…fanfic as a free market method of creation as well as confidence in the self/writing skills). so im glad you decided to do it! 

i can only speak about the sites i use or have used, but these are not the only sites out there. i think perhaps the best advice you could be given is to do you research on what the legal terms each website stipulates while also getting a general feel for how easy it is to host.

going under a cut to not clog dashes! 

when i first decided to do this, i used buy me a coffee. it was fine, and very easy to set up. the benefit, i imagine, of using it is the fact that they offer some pretty nice statistics for you to see how often your page gets viewed. if youre a stats person, and want to track the number of eyes that come across your page against the number of those eyes that ask for a request to discern value, this might be the place for you! however, for some reason i had a really difficult time getting my paypal connected and set up. someone had bought a request from me and it took about 3 months and several emails to their helpdesk to get the money paid out properly. this was just my experience, and its very possible others on here use it without issue. im sure ive seen several people with a buy me a coffee button on their desktop site. so! if you check it out and feel like moving forward, im sure theres others on here who can advise on the pros and cons. 

now, i use kofi and have received the majority of my requests through this website. it links directly to my paypal and has no minimum fee limit for payouts. it allows for anonymous supporters as well, so if someone wants to support without having to ask for a full request it makes it terribly easy for them to do so. ive been using kofi for about 5 months and have had no issues - to be fair, i felt setting up my page there was even easier than buy me a coffee. i am unsure if kofi provides the same statistics, or tracks the number of page views, but for me, personally, thats not my main concern. i think the only place i feel statistically oriented is AO3 lmao anyway, i really like hosting on kofi and recommend them highly.

another place is patreon. i know @dark-muse-iris uses patreon for her followers and from what i gather she, and her patrons, loves it. this is where legal terms come into play, like i mentioned earlier. on kofi, there are clauses that stipulate you cannot distribute porn, sex work, etc on the website. if you request a work of smut from me through kofi, i am technically breaking the legal terms. this is why my kofi is linked on my tumblr, but my tumblr is not linked (directly) on my kofi. am i breaking laws? yes, but i dont have enough of a following to garner the value of having patreon. i have a lot of followers, but im very aware engagement on my blog comes in waves and i also just am not around enough or energetic enough to maintain the energy needed to sustain a patreon. i dont know how people do it, and this is probably due to my lack of education on managing a patreon in general, but i admire those that do. now, i mention patreon, because patreon doesnt have legal terms that specifically stipulate distribution of erotica - again, this was the lat time i checked and my understanding. this could really be totally different, so if im incorrect please correct me.

as for price points, those numbers are entirely up to you. and by that i mean, it is beneficial to consider how long it takes you to write x number of words, the ease vs difficulty of creating those words based on member, and the general word count of what you produce. i broke mine up into various levels - drabble, one shot, and mini series. for one shots there is a range of 2-5k, and 5k+); mini series are up to 3 parts and no more. this is because i am a very flowery, long winded writer. i have been writing long enough to know this about myself and find staying under 1K a challenge. 

for me, i also felt it would be important to work with my requestor. if they want someone that is far longer or doesnt fit into what ive described, im happy to work with them and come to a price together that they can afford.

HOWEVER. probably the best advice i can give, apart from ensuring you read legal terms, is encouraging you to stick to your boundaries. i have a clear list of rules, and on those rules a very explicit list of what i will not write. these rules are not to be broken, and if they are, its okay for you to delete the request. offer a refund and politely decline. you are not beholden to a request that makes you uncomfortable, anxious, or triggered just because someone gave you money for it. before you open any of these pages, consider what your limits are - who you will write for, how much you will write, and what you absolutely will or cannot write - and clearly state them. never push yourself past a boundary on behalf of someone else.

i hope this all helps!

#writing advice

[walterlitfyafricablog]

Why digital literacy

Part two

In part one I did not get the chance to clearly point out the advantages of why we should invest in digital literacy. In 2017 together with friends we founded a charity  organisation called Mabvazuva Trust. Our mission was "To raise a generation that does not complain but is optimistic for the future". By not complaining i don't mean roll over and take it from behind i mean stop complaining for a second and see the opportunities around us. People who complain never found out the truth and they never contribute anything. The reason why we don't see the vast opportunities right in front of us sometimes. A dude from America Jeremy Johnson discovered that in Nigeria, Africa's largest country over half of young people were unemployed and he founded an organisation called Andela. This brings me to my first point:

JOB CREATION

We can create jobs in the field of computer science for those who are unemployed. Andela has a goal to produce 100 000 developers by 2024. Initially they launched in Nigeria receiving funding from the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative. Andela is trying to solve the global tech talent shortage because their stats reviewed that there are five open jobs for every software developer looking for one in the U.S. alone. That means in the US they are looking for people to fill these job post and we are crying about unemployment here. The good part you don't need to go to America or struggle to get a visa etc you can work remotely. I read an article by Andela that claim that over two thirds of firms in america prefer to have remote employees. I believe we can create more jobs in the technology area if we invest in digital literacy and this is not fiction there are people already doing it. Andela has only accepted 1 200 developers out of 130 000 applications they have received. That means the other 128 800 applicants did not get the opportunity to fill this gap. I guess that's why econet launched Muzinda Hub to try to train as many developers as they can and its another article for another day about what they have done so far, whether they are succeeding and the fact that they can't close this gap alone.

HELP ENTREPRENEURS BECOME COMPETITIVE

African entrepreneurs especially my fellow zimbabweans need to understand that they can use technology to become competitive in a global world and use social media platforms like WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter not just to post how great they were when they went to church last Sunday but to use social media as a business tools. Some try by opening facebook pages  and just post their logo or something and that's it the page is abandoned. Would one claim to be on facebook or whatsapp if they are there once a year. A few months back when i was doing research about digital literacy i bumped into a company based in South Africa called Digify Africa. Digify Africa & Facebook Africa are on a mission to "DIGIFY" businesses owned by young people through their digital PRO STARTUP which is a 12 weeks digital training course to help young entrepreneurs take their business to the next level. The programme is aimed at helping youth enterprises become competitive through digital skills, in particular understanding facebook and Instagram as business tools.

 HELP ARTISTS MARKET THEMSELVES

When we founded Mabvazuva Trust it was one of our objectives to equip musicians, actors, poets, comedicians, painters, footballers etc with the digital skills they need to market their talent and expose themselves at a global stage. Having knowledge about technology enables one to use the internet to meet customers, fans, promoters and agents etc. The agent who discovered Lionel Messi by the name Josep Maria Minguella acknowledged in a interview the importance of technologies like fieldoo to discover talent. "Absolutely! Internet has totally changed the way a football agent does his/her job and the transfer industry. There are no more boundaries and limits – you can see, observe and connect with way more players (and other people) than years ago, as you’re not limited to physical presence. Not so many years ago you had to go around the world if needed, to see and meet players, while nowadays you can do it through the internet – with videos, detailed information and all you need to learn about the player you’re interested in." I remember in 2017 talking to football players trying to get them to open youtube channels so that they could upload their videos as a way to get noticed. Josep Maria Minguella also noted it was difficult to discover talent back then because the internet wasnt as developed as it is now. "Back then we hadn’t been operating through the internet on a daily basis as it had not been developed yet in all parts of the world. Because of that, I had to rely on videos I received from Rosario, where Leo Messi was playing." Now life is easy if you know how to use technology. Artists like Ann Kasiime used digital platforms to showcase their talents and it helped her grow. "According to recorded interviews that she gave in 2014, Anne began posting some of her sketch comedy skits on YouTube. She received positive feedback and that encouraged her to post more videos."

Iam happy these days when i see comedians like Comic Pastor using YouTube as a business tool to get their content to their audience and so many comedians are popping up online here in Zimbabwe. Digify Africa realised the need for equiping artist with digital skills and they have what they call OWN YOUR MARK. This programme is designed to give artists the skills they need to grow their creative hustles. The training program is designed to give artists the skills they need to make the most of the digital world and to grow their creative markets.

MAKING MONEY ONLINE

In this section im going to talk about someone i met on LinkedIn. His name is Taylor Chiyangwa a Digital Marketing and Online Entrepreneurship enthusiast.

After chatting with him online i started researching anything i could find about him and i started reading his blog. He has posted several blog posts about digital marketing. What inspired me the most was his story about how he was tired of his day job and knew that wasnt it for him until he used the exposure he had to computers and started teaching himself digital marketing. He kept his day job for a while when he was learning until he took a leap of faith quit his job and focused fulltime on his digital marketing and online entrepreneurship passion. Since then Taylor went on to open three online businesses that focus on digital marketing, content and copywriting services to businesses and forex education. He is now an entrepreneur and he has employeed a few guys in his company some working full time some as freelancers. Taylor wrote a free ebook called 25 ways to make money online. This book will show you that they are many ways one can make money online. And guess what all you need is a phone or laptop and internet to get started. 

PROBLEM SOLVING

Steve Jobs: “Everybody in this country should learn to program a computer, because it teaches you how to think”. I believe i think and have a problem solver mentality because im a programmer. Programmers write programs to solve problems. I think programming doesnt teach you to thing only but it teaches you endurance, perserverance and a never give up mentality. My friend Lionel said to me that the reason my ventures havent succeeded was because i did not have a thick skin. For a second i believed him but then it dawned on me the reason why i have succeeded as a software developer was because i had a thick skin. So maybe i was only thick skinned when it comes to code but if i apply the same concept in my business ventures i will suceed. It was because of my thick skin and never give up mentality that i did the Truworths Zimbabwe in a month with drupal a CMS i had never studied before. It was because of my thick skin i developed a ussd application with technologies i did not know about like nodejs, express, angular and  mongodb that when you dial *558# on your econet line you will see a seedco menu. I did that project with Tapiwa Jeka at Dataage Solutions and i remember we took turns having sleepless night to code that application and we usually slept at the office 2 nights a week until we finished that application. I remember talking to Seth Mutasa one of my students that you dont learn to code but you learn how NOT TO code. Which means you learn through the failures so a programmer should embrances errors and fix them otherwise you are toast. The worse thing for me when im programming is code that doesnt give me feedback where i did wrong that way im clueless what to do next. 

I strongly believe if we had more programmers we wouldn't be whinning too much but do something using technology to change our world one community after another. I taught my brother Rann web design and it 6 weeks he made a site to aware youths in our community about the dangers of drugs they were taking 

OTHERS

I did not point out every reason why we need digital literacy but i think you get the idea.i left out some other good stuff like reducing the digital divide, economic growth and reduced poverty.

[ilygsd]

170918: 1

everyone i hear and everything i read says i should leave. i would never let my little sister or friend be with a person like him. so why cant i? why do i still want him? why do i think that he has what i want? he’s just an empty shell. he’s just manipulating me. he’s an asshole. but i just want to give him more chances. i just want to feel THAT whatever the fuck it is im feeling. im not even in love with him, im just obsessed with the feeling. its everything ive ever wanted. safety and unconditional love. from a sociopath??? safety from someone so impulsive and unpredictable? unconditional love from someone who cant even feel basic empathy? HAAH.

i know with every bone in my body that i dont want to be with this person. i JUST had a fredh start, i dont want to be ruined again. i dont want to be destroyed again. not again. not so soon. i wouldnt be able to get up this time. i really wouldnt. i KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART that i DONT WANT to be with a sociopath who cant fucking ever love me in a normal way, who cant ever respect my feelings in a normal way. i DONT WANT to spend my precious time on someone like him

so WHY is this so hard? ffs i didnt even realise i was obsessed until my mom and ex challenged me to not talk to him for a week. its not like i was super engaged and texted him all the time, but now when i KNOW i cant talk to him…. fucking abstinence. i feel like shit?? ive known this guy for max a month and i feel like absolute shit. i feel lonely and worthless without him, which is weird because i know my mom and ex loves me so much more than he’ll ever be able to do. i feel ashamed like im disappointing him. i feel WEAK for letting my emotional ass get manipulated like this

he didnt even have to do much tbh. its not like he’s giving me attention and love 24/7, he’s pretty……… normal?? maybe its not the attention i want. maybe its his intellect. he seems so sure of himself and as i said, i can identify myself in him. i want to think good of him because i want to think good of me. that i deserve to be happy like him.

this is so dangerous im so fucked. at least i cant smell him on my skin anymore (omg pls i sound like a fkn creep, do u know how much i’ll cringe over this when this is all over 😔😔). ive become obsessed with other ppl too, thats why i partly want to blame myself and not him. the difference is that those were good people. normal people. they realised that im fucked up and unstable so they ditched me before i could start anything. this little fella right here doesnt. he wants to control people, we’re a perfect fuxking match made in heaven.

fuck keep your head, keep your head. i low key regret i ever told my mom and my sister and thats dangerous. i will NOT hold secrets to them. if i do i’ll only turn to him. i’ll isolate myself. not because he tells me to, he wouldn’t need to be that controlling. i’d do it automatically because i want to. fuck me. i want to meet him. i want to cuddle with him just one more time. just a little longer. i want to hear his voice, i want him to sweet-talk me to sleep. i want to live in his little dream world and let him live for me. im too tired anyways and he knows that. i always tell him things before i realise myself. one of the first things i said was that he makes me feel safe and calm and that i just want to give in. ive told him so many things because i cant shut the fuck up and hold my feelings and thoughts to myself. im too anxious, i need constant reassurance because i dont trust mysef

one day i wont need my mom or my ex. one day i will be able to make these decisions completely on my own. and when i can do that, i wont have to be afraid of people like him using me. i will be able to be with him….. what the fuxk is that my motivation again? ”recover and heal so you can be with this sociopath?” as long as i want to be with him im not recovered right. its when i DONT want to be with him right

wow im so proud and happy i recognised this so early though. in that way its kinda good i dont shut up but have to talk to my mom all the time so she can give me advice. i mean if i didnt tell her, i’d probably go back to him. i’ll probably go back to to him again after this week is over. thats how fucking much i miss him. i cant eat, sleep or think. i dont even watch any series anymore. i dont know what the fuck is up with bts or anything. i cant study. i want to go back. i want to sleep next to him. i want to hear his heartbeat and i feel his scent. i want him to play with my hair and smile when he kisses me. i want to sleep with him. but i can absolutely the fuck not let that happen holy shit

he was right abt that. i wasnt aware but its true i need an emotional bond to sleep with someone. thats probably why i got this weird mating/impregnation kink anyways EW SORRY FOR TOO MUCH INFORMATION I HATE IT BUT I CANT HELP IT. I DONT WANNA BE USED AS A SEX TOY OR BABY MACHINES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…… the intimacy. if i were to let myself have sex with this manwhore, this really fkn horny bastard…….. i would basically try to bond with him again. i want to be a hoe, i want to be promsicous but i dont think i can

fuck that makes me so sad though for real. ive been aromantic and asexual for like 2 years, i was honestly scared i’ll never feel anything anymore. then i met him and i was so HAPPY THAT FINALLY I KNOW HOW TO BE IN LOVE AND SEXUALLY ATTRACTED AGAIN but SIKE, he’s a fucking sociopath it doesnt even count bitch. erasw him from your mind and you’ll realise that you still dont find anyone in this fuxking world attractive

fuck me in the asshole, someone save me. someone tell me WHY cant i be with him? who cares? i just want to die anyways right. i mean he makes me feel stuff i obviously want to feel. im obsessed, its my drug. its the easy way and im too tired to fight anyways. i just want to sleep. i just want to be taken care of. he could do that for me. everyone would be happy, he could brainwash me until i no longer have any individuality. great, right? would he really do that though? in a very subtle way in that case. he’s smart, he wouldnt want anyone to notice

i wonder how he feels about his diagnosis. if he likes it, dislikes it…. he said he was jealous of ppl who can feel empathy and that he used to feel it when he was younger. lost it when he was around 13. but like…… that could be bullshit because he only says shit after my reaction. he only started with his ”maybe it will come back” crap after he realised how……… not attracted i an to his sociopathy

and i wanna be a good person. i want to ve openminded. I IF ANYONE WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOCIOPATHS AND PSYCHOPATHS BECAUSE I MYSELF LOW KEY FEEL LIKE ONE, ALSAYS HATED AND DESPISED BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE. but wow…. when it comes to it i really cant. i feel superior. what the fuck is wrong with him. i feel sorry for him. this guy cant fucking feel basic love how sad isnt that. he’s a machine. a master ar disguise. he only lives to use. thats so fucked up

its scary how im isolating myself without him even telling me to. like he encourages me to talk to my mom and ex and get to know people and do my thing. right now its like im living in a bubbel. when im with him im in a bubble. i had trouble going to school yesterday because i was so caught up. when i meet other people its like i realise wow ih yeah im here. thats why in panicking. thats why i want to meet so many new people again now. i stopped chatting with people after i met him but now i feel like i have to.

he was worried i was rebounding with him after my ex. its more like the other way around. im trying to rebound from him. im trying to meet someone else like him so i can forget about him, but no one else is as interesting or as smart or as charming as him. its fucked up. je is a great guy…… uh…… if youre not in my position and let yourself get manipulated and used. i would NEVER have guessed if it wasnt for me being in love (or smth) and therefore wanting to know his TRUE intentions/feelings with out relationship whatever the fuck it is. i didnt understand his ”im just interested, it takes time for me to like someone”. but then we continued to fight and i realised this fuxker doesnt know how to stop, he doesnt feel guilt or regret

can i still be friends with him though? like he’s super smart i’d love to hear his advice on certain things. WAIT. why the fuck do i even want to be his friend?? hes still a fucking weirdo and you still dont know his intentions……. what if im overthnking? what if he’s avtually nice? NO ITS NOT BICE TO FORCE SOMEONE TO DEINK COFFEE ITS NOT NICE TO THREATEN SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BLANKET IF I DONT DRINK HIS COFFE AND TEELS HIM IT TASTES GOOD. ITS NOT NIXE TO GUILT TRIP ME OR ACCUSE ME OF TRYING TO MANIPULATE HIM WHEN HE JUST HURT MY FEELINGS SO MUCH I STATTED TO CRY. ITS NOT NICE TO ACCUSE ME OF GASLIGHTING WHEN I AVCUSED HIM FIRST OF GASLIGHTING.

im scared of him. im scared that he’ll be angry if i tell anyone about this

#the abstinence i had when i wrote this is fucking crazy #and sad #wow im such a dumbass honestly i deserve to get used lmao #diary #jo