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yooitsyorick · 5 months

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The Division Book from Today's Short! (Featuring some very rushed doodles from me)

A NEW SYMBOL

At the beginning of this story are two symbols: addition and subtraction. For the longest time, that’s the only thing numbers knew. I’m not exactly sure how the numeral species took so long to discover anything outside of these two symbols. Maybe they were content with what they had discovered already – Maybe they were just stupid.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. Actually, no. We need to go a bit deeper here, I think. First graders learn about multiplication and division. How were they just unable to figure this out? It’s really not that hard. I’m just being honest here. Why should anyone be interested in this “tale” when it’s predicated on such an unbelievable premise? An entire population of sentient, powerful beings and not a single one of them could come up with an array? They’re literally numbers for crying out loud! I just feel like they could’ve figured this out earlier, I guess.

Whatever, quick recap, the numbers only know about addition and subtraction for a long while. They had a lot of fun adding into each other and all that. They really liked it.

Multiplication, which is really just doing addition multiple times in a row, (Think about it, four multiplied by three is just adding four together three times. Isn’t that cool), was discovered shortly after. There were some problems with it, and there are still problems with it. A lot of numbers don’t really mess with multiplication anymore. Every single time they try to, something ends up going wrong. It’s not fun! Addition is fun. Well, I find it quite boring, but they find it fun.

Division, however, stayed a mystery for the longest time. Which it bears repeating, is absolutely unbelievable. Division is literally just opposite multiplication.

Remember when I said multiplication is just addition multiple times in a row? Well, division is just subtraction multiple times in a row. Again, shocking that it took them so long to figure this out. I can imagine the moment now.

A lot of the time, the stupid people among us tend to have the best ideas. A lot of great ideas are unsaid just because they sound stupid. Like, imagine being all smart and educated in the 1500s and suggesting the idea of electricity. Oh, wow, magic beams from the sky can power gigantic and complex machines? Get out of here, man. But that’s actually how it works!

So I don’t really know what happened, but we can probably guess that someone stupid – 9 or 7 – brought up the idea of “reverse multiplication.” I’m not sure. Maybe those two weren’t even alive, I’m not exactly sure why I was the one chosen to pen this history into the annals of time. I really do not know a single thing about what actually happened.

Anyway, let’s just say all the numbers were just sitting around, having a lot of fun, and playing on the seesaw, 9 walks in after a visit to the local multiplication symbol. She has a weird thought in her head, and she confidently brings up the idea of division. She’s laughed at and made to feel very, very dumb. Little did they all know, however, that the idea of division is very, very real. It had just been forgotten about. More on that later.

THE POWER

The division symbol is theorised to be extremely powerful, giving its leftward user the power to split themselves into multiple parts. The amount of parts the leftward number splits into is equivalent to the value of the rightward number in the equation.

The graphic below displays the basic capabilities of the division symbol. 16 being four multiplied by four can get divided by 4 into four four. These fours are all 16, just split up in between four different bodies. They all act like 16 and share 16’s colours. This is because these four 4’s are 16. 16 has disappeared due to splitting themself up. Imagine if you were split into four identical bodies – that’s what ended [up] happening in it. Only in the graphic, of course. 16 is kind of a scaredy-cat, so I don’t think they would be keen to split themselves up like this. Which is frankly weird to me, I think of it the same way I think of people who chicken out of riding roller coasters. Like, you stand there for an hour and a half and watch thousands of people stream in and out of the coaster. Not a single person dies. When’s the last time you saw someone fly out of their roller coaster seat? It doesn’t happen! So, what is there to be afraid of? Do you think you’re special or something? You’re not. You’ll survive. Roller coasters are fun. Why are you robbing yourself of the experience?

Sorry about that rant, this book wasn’t really the place for it. I think I could just delete it, but, um, I really don’t feel like it. I got commissioned to write like at least 200 pages of this thing, and I’m kind of already running out of ideas. You saw it yourself, a couple dozen pages ago I went into a 2 page lecture about the history of devilled eggs. I literally just copied that from Wikipedia. I’m starting to think I’m not being paid for my writing ability, but just because someone was too lazy to do what I’m doing right now. Insane! This thing should be like a pamphlet at most.

Whatever, I should probably get back to the topic at hand. The division symbol is very powerful because it allows the user to split themselves up. This is beneficial for manual labour and especially fighting.

Imagine how much you could get done in a day if there was a clone of you around. That’s like, a basic sitcom plotline. It’s relatable! The numbers, lucky as they are, get to live in a reality where this is possible. You need to lift up a really heavy, wide object? Just divide yourself in two. Of course, you’d have to find 2 in order to divide yourself by them. That’s really the only downside of the symbol. A lot of the smaller numbers don’t like being “used” for division. They have their own lives!

But yeah, division is, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very powerful

THE LOSS

Those who ruled the numeric realm at the time were not pleased with the existence of the division symbol. You know how people say when you’re alone you’re weak, and when you’re united you stand. Well, yeah, extrapolate that concept to this. Do you think those who enjoy power over a population of powerful numbers like the idea of them splitting themselves into a million little equally-powerful pieces? No!

So those in power really did not like the division symbol at all. Like, they really, really did not like it. Like when you walk by a group in public and they start reciting jokes you swear you saw online six years ago to each other. Like, are you that unoriginal? You think you can impress your friends by stealing other people’s jokes? They aren’t even that good of jokes! It’s just sad, honestly. Just show them the joke on your phone, or something like that.

It just really grinds my gears, honestly. So I can really imagine how it feels to be whoever ruled the land of the numbers [was]. I don’t really think it was justified; in fact, it was kind of evil, honestly. But like, if I happened to have dominion over those idiots? Yeah, I probably would want to get rid of the self-destruct button they randomly found and learned how to use. Especially if there are 2 other self-destruct buttons out there for them to use. I say 2 because subtraction is kind of useless. Like… It doesn’t really help anyone. Multiplication and addition are pretty cool though!

So, yeah, one night the numbers were having fun, partying, and just generally enjoying themselves – as numbers are known to do. They generally liked to hang out around the division symbol, actually. They really liked it! It was probably one of their favourite things in the world. Of course, everyone had their own personal favourite thing. 9’s favourite thing was his sunglasses, the real retro ones. They had a rainbow gradient instead of a desert gradient. Doesn’t that sound cool? Meh. I don’t need your approval anyway. Who cares. 8’s favourite thing is when all of the other numbers are quiet. What a weirdo.

So the numbers partied all night. They sang songs and danced around. Blah blah blah. At the dead of night, the last number finally decided to go to bed. Numbers sleep, by the way. I don’t think they really need to? I’ll be honest I know almost nothing about these things. They’re kind of useless? They’re also annoying.

While they were asleep, however, the evil ruler of the realm took the division symbol and removed it from its place! It’s a pretty heavy symbol, so I’m actually kind of amazed that a group of people were able to just pick it up like that. As you’ll see later, 2 is also able to just pick it up on their own. Isn’t that insane? Like, 2, let me know your workout regimen or something. I could use a tip or two. Haha, two, 2.

Ok back on track for real, now BFDI season 1 is the best season. Like, by a mile! It’s just so whimsical and fun and awesome. My favourite episode was episode 6, The Power of Three. What’s up with 3 anyway? Why aren't they in these things? We’re all thinking it, right? This is meta, lol.

For real this time, let’s get back on track. The numbers woke up the next morning to find their precious division symbol gone! All that remained was the discoloured patch of grass that lay under the symbol for so many years.

The numbers were shocked and horrified by the division symbol being taken. 9 cried for like, three days straight, I think. It would’ve been cute if it wasn’t so pathetic. Like, you’re an adult, man. Either way, it was still a tragedy, though. The symbol meant a lot to these freaks! And now it was gone! The fun was over! They got over it quite quickly, though. Like, I’m not kidding, they all forgot about it the literal next day. It was like it never existed. Isn’t that just crazy? These things are so weird, man. Like. Gosh. Just crazy.

THE SEARCH

Leading spots where experts think the division symbol might be hidden. It’s not clear why they think these spots have the most potential. But they’re experts! So listen to ‘em. Also, look, map! Go obsess over what this map means or something if that’s what you’re interested in. Go wild!

Why am I still writing this. How many pages are even left! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

The typography on those “blahs” is really, really ugly. So I’m going to stop using them to fill space. The numbers embarked on an epic search for the division symbol, but were a little too stupid to end up finding it. Who would’ve guessed! This is partly why I said they just forgot about it earlier. They tried searching for it, got lost, and instantly gave up! What losers! Can’t commit to the simplest of tasks.

If I remember this correctly, 7, the genius he is, started climbing a tree to get a good vantage point. The only problem with that idea, though, was that the tree had like eight different hornet nests on them. He turned as red as 3! Because of the stings, of course. He was pretty embarrassed too, though. He tried really hard to play it off, making excuses. He said something about how the redness came from getting a sunburn… Which, like, isn’t that much less embarrassing than getting stung by thousands of hornets?

Imagine the contempt you feel whenever you see someone walking around with an ugly full-body sunburn. Like, what an idiot. You couldn’t take the basic precautions to avoid this? You couldn’t put in the 10 minutes of work it would’ve taken you to drive to the local pharmacy and buy a can of sunscreen? It’s so easy! And yet, here this dope is, fully sunburnt. Whatever, I went on a tangent again. What do you think the person who commissioned me to write this is going to think when they check my work. My guess is they’ll just see that there’s a lot of words and instantly give it their seal of approval. If you’re reading this, that is exactly what happened. There is almost zero to be actually gained from reading this book. I’ve gone on the same tirade about how little I care like 50 times now. In fact; all of this is just copied and pasted from 10 pages earlier. That last sentence was too! I’ve reused this same passage about three times now, I’m gonna do it again, too. I’m out of ideas.

Anyway, the numbers stopped searching pretty much immediately. I think Eight maybe looked for a day or two more, but he eventually gave up too. He tried to do this thing where he’d split up into four different grey 2’s… It was low-key a little weird but some people seemed to like it. I just made all of that up.

Last paragraph on this page, better make it count. Lalalalalalalala. Uhhh… Yeah I can’t make this one count. There’s really nothing to talk about with “The Search.” There literally basically wasn’t one. There’s no way anyone is reading this far down. Whatever. Bye.

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