#all this time they think im just a dyke

[selamat-linting]

for this pride month i'm revealing my preferred pronouns to my comrades

#bro i know theyre trans friendly but im shy #i might look like a man but social transitioning is so nerve-wracking #i didnt even come out to my sister after one and a half year identifying as trans. i was changing my wardrobe and buying a binder atp #like most ppl would say theyre trans and start changing themselves right? #for me i gotta pass first before doing a pronoun reveal #medical and presentation transition for me is much easier than social #posts about my life #all this time they think im just a dyke

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[menlove]

every time i am around older queer people the more i am convinced i was meant to be an older queer person. not bc i have this fantasy of living in decades past that were much worse but bc i get along with and agree w them so much better. so much of modern queer discourse is painfully white, binary, and completely regressive while painting itself as revolutionary and i just want to crack jokes w some cool older butch lesbians every time i encounter discourse that makes me want to bash my head into the wall

#my professor in this one class is a lesbian in her 60s #and so many times she will say things that immediately either piss off or confuse the very lgbtqia+ alphabet mafia crowd in the class #while im sitting there like no no let her speak shes literally correct #and do not mistake me i am accepting of my lot in life as a 24 year old dyke okay i know the community i am going to be in and around #and love them all dearly and will stick up to their right to exist #but i will say. some of them annoy the living fuck out of me and we cannot have productive conversations #bc i always end up feeling like i need to take a walk to calm myself lmfaoooooo #AND ANOTHER CLARIFICATION BC WE NEED 20 CAVEATS ON TUMBLR.COM #this is not abt r//adical feminism im not talking abt transgender ppl existing as smth that annoys me abt the modern community #i just think older queer people actually have their heads screwed on and don't get as caught up in The Bullshit as we do #and i envy them for it

[theygender]

Apparently the scene you get with Shadowheart if you get her approval all the way up and then tell her you want to get to spend time with her is the same one you're supposed to get at the tiefling party, which means if you trigger it early you may not get any scene with her at the party at all. This made things pretty confusing when I showed up expecting to advance my romance with her and instead she just gave me some generic "lol wine is good huh" dialogue meanwhile every other companion* BUT her was actively trying to jump my bones... Literally just had to beat everyone else off of my Tav with a stick and then go to bed alone 😔

*Except Lae'zel, who instead went on an unprompted rant about how she knew I wanted to fuck her sooo bad but I had Pissed Her Off by making her be Nice to People so now she would NEVER allow me the pleasure of having crazy hot githyanki sex with her. (She propositioned me a few days later anyways)

#i seem to have accidentally started a romance with lae'zel astarion AND gale in addition to shadowheart 😭 #like the next day i had a notice to talk with astarion and it was the scene where hes talking about not being able to see his reflection #and it was literally like dodging fucking bullets trying to pick an option that wasnt flirting #i ended up having to pick some mean dialogue that was like 'maybe its for the best youre not exactly aging gracefully' #bc the ONLY other two options were like 'tell him you think hes beautiful' and 'gaze lovingly into his eyes' or some shit #and i was like '...okay im picking the mean one but i mean it as a joke. maybe it can be a joke' and i picked it an he was all horrified #but then the next dialogue gave me an option to say 'lol im just kidding' and i was like PHEW #but then he just went back to being fucking flirty again and was like 'really~ well then tell me what you like about me the most' or smth #and i was like FUCK. NO #but then the next dialogue tree in addition to having the normal flirty options had three additional options #that were like 'youre fine. but lae'zel/gale/shadowheart? now theres real beauty' #and i was like. fuckin. OKAY #ill wonder wtf those other two are doing there later but for now ill pick the one where i tell him in interested in shadowheart #so i picked that option and this bitch fucking APPROVED. told me he was going to have to work harder to keep up with his competition #like SIR. what do you MEAN competition. i let you bite me ONE time bc you said you were dying of thirst and i wanted to help a bro out #and then the next morning i immediately told you i didnt like it and i never wanted it to happen again #what do you mean competition dude you arent even on my radar 😭 im a DYKE #and why were lae'zel and gale there as options too?? #the next night i got gales weave scene where he shows my character how to use magic #(my tav was pretty unimpressed as a fellow mage tbh but hes my friend and i was being polite) #and when i clicked the option to clearly say at the end that i was not interested in having an intimate moment with gale #he got all misty eyed and was like 'oh how quickly these moments fade away...' #like bro the moment didnt fade away i politely shut it down on purpose bc im not interested. what are you talking about #and THEN i got lae'zel trying to fuck me and when i turned her down she gave me the exact same dialogue #about how i would miss out on having hot githyanki sex with her. AGAIN #yall im JUST trying to romance shadowheart 😭 leave me alone #if anyone else is gonna try to trap me into flirting with them then at least let it be karlach next time please 😭🙏 #(ill come back for lae'zel on another playthrough bc being between her and shadowheart sounds like a safety hazard tbh) #rambling

[munamania]

right can i just. okay. lesbian is not a genre so im not looking to lump all these shows together. got that out of the way. im also not looking to pit queer people against each other so ok checking that off the list. i am however going to go ahead and throw the misogyny card out here because it’s fucking annoying how shows that center women, especially when theyre woc and/or queer, still just don’t take off even in progressive online spaces the way any shows with our darling young gay male couples will. i’m not saying that’s, like, the Cause of them being cancelled either because we’ve been shown numbers don’t matter. and many of the “”lesbian”” shows that have been cancelled were popular otherwise. just complaining xo!

#because well maybe many of these lesbian shows are not that good. and it's hard for people to care #but also sometimes they like are. or they're not 'good' but they're still fun and if the dynamics in play were primarily #attractive young guys i personally think they'd take off. but there's no way to like prove that so im just talking out of my ass #and ALSO. regardless of the lesbian aspect of it. many of you will watch such ass shows that have like no women or one woman in it #and hype it up to all hell cause that's your babygirl #I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A GOOFY STUPID ASS DYKE TRAPPED IN A SHOW THAT ISNT THAT GOOD AND HAVE FUN!!! #i deserve pathetic women!!!!! #and also. largely upset with the most recent cancellations because of the butches/masc lesbians involved #because that you know has a special place in my heart. okay whatever #anyway. let me also add that plenty of the people who hype up mediocre gay shows are some of the most annoying people on the planet #so yk maybe it's a gift in a way to just have the illusion that the relationship begins and ends with me and my tv and one friend #but. like. the thing is is some of the tropes/dynamics/etc i see on these shows would make people go ferallllll if u know...... #circumstances were different. but they just dont care. and also like. i think it's fair to be sad that ur just not getting more time #with characters u enjoy #that none of the money these streaming services get goes to even shitty quality stuff #honestly it's so smart of them to be like Ooo look gay people i have smth for u! and then get everyone online going #omg stream it so it doesnt get cancelled!!!!!! to maximize off it anyway. and then cancel before it can threaten their image or anything #and get too big. or be smth they invest in

[babydarkstar]

still unfathomably envious of my irl who’s getting married. it’s literally only bc shes a dyke

#again. too young to get married imo. #the last time we hung out was like a couple years ago and i had no clue she was with her #which makes me think they havent been together that long bc she’s been Out for a bit #shes fucking uhauling but all the pics are adorable shes so cute ugh #shes such a cool dyke too lmao like shes a hairdresser now???? and she worked for joann fabric for forever #had so many old lady friends and old lady stories #i dont even use social media my sister just shows me the shit bc shes like look. a lesbian #and im like yeah. a lesbian in love. Good For Her. #i rly am happy for her tho i hope it’s trew love or whatever #or at least that they’re not like codependent #a funny bitty like that deserves good shit and her life kinda went to hell lately so. #i wish them the best truly

[dancedance-resolution]

exhausted dot png

#i’m cishet neurotypical for the weekend right and i guess bc i was cishet half of the time just two short years ago i thought this would be #a lot easier than it is? like i underestimated how exhausting this would be #not to sound Like This but hanging with all of these protestants really is so different than the catholics. maybe bc i’ve been largely surro #unded by catholics so im well adapted to dealing with them lol idk. #it’s just. i accepted that the cousins wouldn’t accept me if they ever knew but my beloved beloved great aunt….. #my mom is so sure that she would accept me if she knew but i’ve been telling her i don’t know i don’t know now that she’s a protestant it’s #different…. and lo and behold every other fucking word out of her mouth is virulent shit #and idk what to do with it. #i love her too much to lose her over this (for now) but christ i nearly told her i was a dyke at lunch today just to get her to shut up abou #t trans people. #i have no desire for my family to ever know i’m genderqueer bc i don’t need them to know but eventually my aunt is going to need to know the #homosexuality and this trip has just emphasized how. man it’s gonna be shit isn’t it. no doubt to cling to anymore. #anyways i’m expected to go to baptist church tmrw morning and autism brain i kind of want to go just to see what it’s like but me brain i’m #just. so tired. and even if the transgenders don’t get brought up in the service i don’t think i want to go anyways.

[getreadytosmash]

Sometimes there's just lids on things u don't wanna open

#the queen of smash (mun) #idk its dumb and stupid but ever since i've been playing more visual dating sims #i just get these days where i feel like....nothing???? #like. not a girl just a body this compile of personhood #and like idk maybe its cause visual sims lets you have so much cleaner interaction with selfhood and gender #compared to irl where i live in a country where HRT is smth thats difficult to comeby so overall ALL of it feels messy #demigirl works out fine enough for me but idk i just. somedays i feel LESS like a girl and more. nothing #i dont fully like it because it just feels like im faking it?? jumping on a bandwagon??? #almost half of the friends i've made or have on tumblr pretty much went down a pipeline of afab to they/them to he/him or he/they #with more masc learning and terms #and idk if i'd go THAT far??? I don't mind being called he/him but it's not my full go to i don't think??? #but idk it feels. selfish. like im pretending. idk if i like the idea of being they/them ALL the time i like she/her enough #im just. (huffsssss) my parents have always been open that they expected me to become a dyke lesbian or trans because i was a big tomboy #so maybe a part of me feels like i'm playing into these expectations and i feel so sick at the idea. even tho ANYthing of my pronouns. #would stay online #idk idk i guess after being always she/her i'm...vaguely curious to see how i feel with they/them but again. pretender stuff. #maybe i don't feel it properly like everyone else does #im just this sack of flesh filled with nothing good but what others have #i don't FEEL enby enough to be one #but idk if demigirl fully suits me AS much now #oughhhhhhhhhhhhh

[uranium]

maybe its why most everyone seems to dislike the concept of aging but i find i hate getting older just because it represents limitations for me. you can only have one childhood, one first love, one college experience. even if an era isnt to your liking you can still flail around in it and try to find variables to change, but once its over, what you had is what you had and you cant go back. for example i will have to live the rest of my entire life knowing i spent the majority of being a teenager as an internetpilled homestuck fan

#idk thinking about how im in my last year of college and then that chapter is Closed and ill just have to accept my experiences as what #college was to me. its no longer an unknown future with multiple potential paths but instead just backstory or whatever #at least ive enjoyed my time here for the most part. not nearly enough dyke sex but sigh. you cant have it all

[rustinged]

i sincerely hope this is what my future looks like

#how does one make a shrine to all that is femme #maybe i should get a small jewelry dresser or something to make a femme shrine #looking through my 2b tag (what i want to look like/what i view myself as) makes me equally as happy as it does to look at the femme stuff #have saved on etsy #ive been having a gender freak out all day. i think i got too serious about it again + my hair is too long #i think to me like.. do you know those characters in movies where they're big buff dudes but the things they like are femme and seemingly #out of character. thats a big inspiration for me and how i view myself but i just don't necessarily look like it #i think serving to an audience that doesn't know you is exhausting. going outside feels like im reintroducing a character every time #when really im just some guy dyke and need to chill but yknow~ its hard #anyways that's enough personal thoughts

[tkbrokkoli]

a colleague of mine used to be a professional athlete in the 80s and today she showed me and another colleague photographs from back then and she casually mentioned that two of her team mates outed themselves as trans men and two as lesbians later in life and i was like !!!!!! im

#not fandom related #personal log stardate #i want to write more but im not sure what im feeling and how to express it #she used the phrase 'man in a woman's body' to mean they are trans man which i found v good actually #bc she seemed to fully except and support them. these guys and dykes should be in their late 50s now i think? idk any older queer ppl #so having an older colleague casually mention that felt v good #also they all were from a small town i think #just like me!!! i know several of my high school friends are also queer. like. me and at least 2 others #but we all outed ourselves way later. years after high school #oh fuck i just realized i completely misspelled 'accept'. i've had a long week ugh #anyway tomorrow i gotta make a horrible phone call w my broken phone and i already hate it and i'm dreading it #abt my phone. it doesn't charge anymore so i have it turned off at all times so i can make phone calls when the urgent need arises #and tomorrow i have to call electrician. not bc i want to but bc i was ordered to and i absolutely fucking hate it #*an electrician. or a janitor. idk yet #the other person who could call instead of me is just straight up rejecting to do it but it rly urgently needs to be Done #so im gonna have to step up as the mature person now and i tell myself 'it needs to be done end of discussion' #but i hate that i am always always always the person who has to take care of uncomfortable things like making phone calls and shit #like. i get it. it's necessary. there will always be phone calls i have to make. it's just. why me??? i fucking hate this shit!!! AAAAAAAHHH #anyway i should go to bed. i haven't checked my notifs yet it's been a rly exhausting week. hope you guys are ok thi #*tho

[cliffburton]

the thing about being a dyke and Insane about a man enough to have him as url icon and even taking his name as like butch name is that ppl will think ure secretlyyyyyy in loveeeee with himmmmmmmm like once a "friend" told me "hahaahhs i ship you with him hahhah i know you wont admit it and it's okayyyy but i KNOW youre into him" .go fuck yourselves maybe.

#the dyke experience 101 #incantations #ppl are weird about me and its fucking awful to live with it #this has happened to me over and over btw i think tumblr is the only place it hasn't if i can't remember well #all and all on my thoughts on what i Am for myself and shit i have something clear and it is THAT i dont have shit to prove to any1 #but there's a justified anger in being misunderstood ON PURPOSE #like im telling u i dont like this particular man i am just like. interested? a fan of? also i am insane abt him but u know that only if #u thoroughly check my tumblr blog. blog these ppl never saw in This state #im going insane abt this probably bcos i saw the dyke b***k**g tag a bit ago and i am remembering the time i had to #like there was this hugeeeee oh he's the man who's going to de-dykefy u NO YOU'RE WRONG I BECAME DYKER AFTER HIM #lesbophobes kill yourselves.

[branchiopod]

can’t sleep. keep making myself mad about shit

#it’s like three things rn #someone from my old college had it out for me and i genuinely have no idea why #like they were always rude as fuck to me and in the first few weeks we knew each other i was being interrogated ab slur and pronoundiscourse #asked how i felt ab he/him lesbians and i was like i’m not a lesbian so…who fucking cares #and we got into slurs somehow and i wish i could’ve been more articulate bc i was like yeah. i think some trans men can say the d slur #and they were like why aren’t you saying it and my response was cuz i don’t feel like it #but the point i wish i had thought well enough to make is like first of all slur discourse is stupid #and the word dyke is central to so many people’s identities not just currently but in the past too #when i was still fem-presenting and pre-any sort of transition i was a dyke. that’s the best word for how i felt then and now looking back #AND you don’t know the intricacies of someone’s identity. are you gonna police this shit? leave me tf alone #also pissing me off lol #is the fact that i dated someone who hated the parts of me that i like #shit spanned from like him saying it about tank tops and sweatpants immediately after i said they’re gender affirming for me #to not being able to deal with me being loud to the point that i re-triggered a depressive episode as soon as i got out of one #when im doing well im loud and excitable but they couldn’t handle that so i just shoved it down #and last thing. did anyone else deal with the predatory gay stereotype bc i never see ppl talk ab it but i was a huge target for it #it’s affected my ability to just. function as person like i can’t compliment people without making myself panic #the few times i’ve seen it talked ab is specifically the predatory lesbian stereotype #which does make me wonder how much of my experience was fueled by that and how much was just generic homophobia

[gibbearish]

"can bi nbs say dyke" "can trans men say tranny" "can this specific identity reclaim this slur" ENOUGH !!! ALL that matters is whats in your heart when you say it. is there love for your community or is there hate for people not like you. are you saying it to hurt someone or to give a hurtful thing new love-filled meaning. theres your answer.

terfs are finding this now so just to head this off at the pass my tranny ass will not be debating you, you are going to be instantaneously blocked so you may as well save us both the trouble of typing out whatever long rant youre planning about how im an evil transsexual betraying the community by daring to call myself a faggot or w/e. also go fuck yourself

edit 2: hey terfies do you think perhaps that the fact you had to block me before purposefully starting fights with randos in my replies says something about the kind of people you are? do you think that's the kind of thing good people do? can you look yourself in the eyes and genuinely tell me that deep down you don't know that if you constantly have to lie and infiltrate and block evade to harass people, that just means youre a shit person? can you with a straight face say that doing these kinds of things actually feels morally sound, that there's no tiny sliver of yourself in there that knows youre acting like a piece of shit all the fucking time which is why everyone leaves you when they find out about your beliefs? could you honestly tell me that a person who acts like that is good, and that behaving like this actually makes you feel like you're adding something positive to the world? or is it just the rush that comes with punching a wall in rage?

you harass trans people for the same reason parents beat their children: it feels good to hurt other people when youre mad. it feels good to take your anger out on someone else. and so you find people you can hurt and you convince yourself youre doing it because theyre stronger than you, that youre fighting back, you punch and you punch and you keep punching on and on forever. because that anger is addicting and trans people have always and WILL always exist, so we will always be available as a target.

look at the way youre behaving and ask yourself if this is what you want to be doing with your life. and google the signs of a high-control group. and if youre going to be a piece of shit in my replies then at least don't be a major fucking coward about it. unless youre literally 12 you should not be arguing like a middle schooler starting fights about steven universe. grow the fuck up and get real problems

#queer #bigger gibbers

[toastsnaffler]

ohhhhh my god girl i don't careeeee

#love my roommate but urghhhh. sorry they dont make enough fictional female characters that interest u but u dont need to justify it to me #write your mlm its literally fine. sorry but ur not gonna gain my respect or approval by defending why u write more mlm than wlw #i dont care if u have equal amounts of each or not LOL we just have different tastes thats all there is to it #and I KNOOOOOOWWWW she writes femslash too im not denying that !!!!!! #most of my fav media is lesbian centric bc I have a strong connection to my identity as a dyke. so i gravitate towards things that explore- #that + complex relationships to gender + its social enforcement etcetc. and its easier for me to get attached to characters that i can- #connect with bc we have shared experiences or the world percieves us in similar ways or we percieve the world in similar ways etc #and shes said she DOESNT feel particularly attached to her sexuality in that way. so ofc shes not going to be looking for the same things- #in media and thats OKAY!! #literally have nothing against her writing gay men i like some fictional mlm relationships myself!! and its cool that she enjoys it #i just find it disappointing that we dont have much in common taste-wise bc thatd be more fun to talk abt #but thats why i come on tumblr dot com.. to talk abt fictional women w dykes who understand them like i do amen #and im happy to listen to her talk abt things she likes and projects shes clearly enjoying working on like thats awesome love to hear it #but sometimes its like shes trying to persuade me abt smth but theres nothing to persuade. i dont knooooow #like ik shes not trying to get me into her interests she already has plenty of friends who are. but theres no approval to win from me??? #i think im just annoyed bc i feel like i cant rly talk abt the things im into w her bc she disliked them so much #and also annoying to be around someone who shares an identity w me but is clearly more uncomfortable w it than i am #maybe thats not even true actually the real reason im annoyed is bc ive had a long and exhausting week and im coming down from- #my first day on new meds and im soooo so so tired have i sajd that already. and my head hurts #and i want a fucking hug and im just projecting my lack of physical and emotional intimacy onto her bc she happens to be the person i- #spend the most time with. but thats really unfair of me its not her fault or obligation at all. ah i just want to shower and sleeeepp #and tomorrow day 2 of meds im gonna get so much shit done!!!!!!!! i hope.. i wanna finish drafting my comic too teehee #wouldnt it be so crazy if now im medicated i might actually be able to start and finish projects i reallyyyy want to do.. #well i wont get my hopes up yet #anyway........ #another day another 5 million tag rambling post complaining abt everything. and dont expect me to ever stop 😚 #.diaries #literally why would i care abt the tastes of a girl whose fave character in tlt was naberius........ #she rly had to pick one of the ONLY men and not even one of the particularly interesting ones. and shes not even straight???? her loss 🙄

[fagdykebassboy]

im a boy but in the way where lesbians can decide if they wanna squeeze me in or not

#i always get crushes on lesbians so every time in my head im like ok how do i make 1 -1 = 2 #….. #(ok so its really 1 -1 is really 1 + -1 so if we just make it |1| + |-1| that becomes 1+1 anD THAT EQUALS TWO !!!!) #and i mean if u think about it the absolute value of lesbian is dyke and the absolute value of me is dyke so actually im a genius #and it all works out #this is why u stay in school kids !!!! Math solves everything !!!!