#also sorry this isn't as clean as my other analyses are

[quixtrix]

let's talk BL manga lore; on grooming, identity, and racism

spoilers for the official captain laserhawk bl manga ofc, plus brief discussion of grooming I've refrained from speaking about it because of spoilers, but it's been well over a month and I believe that it's time to openly discuss it. if you would still like to read the manga before reading this discussion, here's the link to buy a physical copy and you can search up 'Captain Laserhawk: Crushing Love' in your digital book store for it. okay time to talk about two, basically three subjects; racism, identity, and grooming. i'm starting with the grooming first, because that's the main focus of this manga. i would have to preface this by saying i've already discussed this topic in an earlier post (albeit it is a prediction, but it is a spot on prediction.) i'll briefly elaborate on it right now with what we know.

dolph's very first day with alex was carefully calculated to where dolph would be exposed to the world, but heavily rely on alex. he is shown around to alex's friends and is able to buy his own clothes, but it is under the heavy scrutiny of alex. alex ultimately decides what dolph wears, alex decides how the day goes, alex leads dolph. even when they have a beach day, take note of how alex holds dolph, dragging him around.

even the romance and the events leading up to when alex takes dolph's virginity are calculated. note how alex grasps dolph's hand, grabbing on tight enough to almost press down on his knuckles, loosening his hand, making dolph relinquish control. the context for the fight page is that after their sweet lil beach day, alex takes dolph down an alley where alex knows that he'll come across people who aren't the fondest of him. this event was calculated, alex knew it was going to happen, and he used it to test out his new lil boytoy.

also, alex taking dolph out to fight isn't just so he can get in the pants of a barely 18 year old. while holloway notes during this flashback that adrenaline is the greatest aphrodisiac, this is a test to see how good the new weapon he picked up is. how the new boy works, to see how eden's boy robot can benefit his group, not just him. its literally in the morning panels we get where alex talks with that woman, anna. they're talking about how loaded he is with tech, and while alex does consider that, he still actively thirsts over dolph.

also im jus saying if i personally was talking with one of my greatest confidants and they refer to someone i'm thirsting over as KID, i would personally be icked out. i would have a conscious and not do some weird shit, like literally refer to dolph in passing as kid in the next page. dolph aint even the first one who alex has done this shit to, as evident by this line by one of his friends, grace.

alex is a groomer and groomed dolph, case closed.

anyways! time to get on with what i really wanted to talk about, how racism and loss of idenity ties into dolph's character!

in this manga, during pillow talk between dolph and alex, we get dolph's backstory. dolph literally has only known this man for a day and he's giving him lore because alex treats him more normal than eden did. god. ANYWAYS ENOUGH DWELLING ON DOLPH BEING A VICTIM IN ALL WAYS INCLUDING BEING ONE OF THE OXFORD STUDY, we get to know about his brief life before eden took him in.

now let me turn for a moment to the show, and how we were told about dolph's backstory. this is VASTLY different than what we got in the show, with it being implied that dolph's parents were a white prostitute and a darkskinned immigrant man. this adds onto the idea that this supposedly impoverished, crack addicted boy came into this world not as an act of love, but as a mistake. not just a mistake though, his parents are supposedly the epitome of immoral, a prostitute and a criminal. not to mention that this also ties into the idea of the uncultured brown man and pure white woman, basically a racist idea that the scary immigrants who aren't like us good white christian americans (and honestly jus any homogenous group in general, though in america its ofc more applicable to white people), are corrupting our mother marys, our women. eden takes on this perspective in order to subconsciously frame in the minds of post american viewers the idea of this man as an other that they are helping and didn't at all snatch up from his mother for child experimentation. the concept of other is something that finds it's origins in fascism, and in order to mask the presence of said fascism, someone who is seen as apart of the other is given a seat at the table with the collective us, (as in the majority, or the ones that are supposedly superior), and will ultimately serve as an example of why the other are labelled as such. i go into this more with my rayman analysis. I brought up the specific portrayal of dolph's backstory from eden's documentary to showcase how eden has manipulated the view people have of this man. eden has not only manipulated the view of the in universe audience, but eden has manipulated our view.

in the propaganda documentary, we are shown photos of this man being a captain, someone of relatively high rank in the military. you can't even normally earn that through having an education, you'd have to have years of experience. he's portrayed as older than he is.

another thing, dolph fans, let's be honest with ourselves; before the manga, it was not uncommon to headcanon that man as a FREAK. with both the supposed images of dolph at a nightclub and the flashback of alex and dolph meeting outside a club, it wasn't too hard to think that the hottest man alive in that show who was fully born human was a freak. a sexual deviant. someone that a christian mother would be horrified enough by that she faints. the manga however, shows us that dolph really isn't any of that. hell, he didn't even get to go to a club before he met alex. in reality, he's around 18 years and his only sexual experience is his groomer.

say that again with me, he's around 18. he's just around 18, he's a young adult, and the environment he's grown up in has stunted him by treating him as a subject, a thing, cutting him off from anything that would humanise this child by not allowing him to see his mother. hell, even his childhood best friend serves eden by being the one in his ear, having him at her beck and call all in the name of eden.

we get none of dolph's true backstory in the show for any number of reasons. maybe it's on purpose, maybe it's a result of having to possibly cut down episodes, who knows? what matters though is that this adds a layer to the core problem defining dolph's life; the perspective others have on him warping who he is.

back to the pages with dolph's memories of his mother, we see dolph as he was when he was just a boy. he's his mama's boy, her son, a child. even when eden takes him in, he stubbornly clings to that bit of him that's pure, untainted by the idea of him being an experiment, a tool. this bit of him, this hint towards who he is supposed to be as a person, is something he clings to desperately. it leads him to follow eden's orders again because they promise that they've found his mother.

and yknow what happened with who dolph was told was supposedly his mother?

she was just a random ass indian woman.

wasn't even the right woman. they just used his identity issues because he's indian, and she was indian and in a cult that eden needed to take care of.

this, while admittedly is kind of funny, (like the confusion is funny in the moment look at ts) is actually fucked up crazy racism. they literally said that this random ass woman who happened to be indian was his mother like HELL!?!??!?!?

this insane fr. lucy didn't even double check LIKE GIRL THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FRIEND'S MOTHER WHO HE HASNT SEEN SINCE HE WAS LIKE 6 AND YOU DIDNT EVEN DOUBLE CHECK IF SHE'S THE RIGHT PERSON?!?!?!?

moving on from that, this actually brings up a deeper layer of dolph's identity issues; the lack of cultural identity.

i want to preface this by saying that i am not entirely sure if this is the right term for this identity issue nor am i claiming to be an expert on the type of identity crisis that i am about to discuss. that being said, this specific disconnect of cultural identity that dolph has is actually reminiscent of those adopted from other countries, or transnational adoptees. there seems to be a need within these adoptees to find out more about their own heritage or their own mothers and families that they now struggle to find. while dolph does not actively go out to reconnect with his heritage, he does exhibit desires to find his birth mother. this type of identity issue seems to ask the question of 'what could I have been if...?,' and it tends to mess with the idea of the self. adoptees that struggle with this question hold a desire to go back, to almost reclaim what would have been. yes, dolph is not adopted into a family, but he is still a child under the care of eden, which became like his family, which is why i believe that this kind of identity issue could reasonably be applied to dolph. it explains why he does what he does in the manga, and how it's ultimately wrapped up by him losing this desire and moving forward. albeit he moves forward by alex instead becoming his main purpose, but this serves as the first chain of the past that he leaves behind. with this, he severs a tie that would have made him continue to be stuck under eden's control, and possibly find himself. he answers the question of what could have been with 'it doesn't matter anymore.'

but actually, he doesn't answer that question. he leaves it be.

i am reading way too into this tho lol. i would say that he doesn't explicitly say it, and that we do see a lack of dolph's past being used against him in that way because dolph has freed himself from that part, but in reality, it's because eden can't pull the same trick twice. im aware that the manga focuses HARD on dolph's grooming, but i feel like they really could have properly wrapped up dolph's identity arc with his mother if it was acknowledged at the end, but i fear we are left unsatisfied. that's one of my gripes with the manga. it gives us things that tie up loose ends, but some of these ties have entirely missed the holes they were supposed to secure. but what is done is what's done, and here we are.

tl;dr, dolph was groomed by alex. dolph's identity has also been warped by eden heavily, by how they dehumanised him as a child to be a weapon internally, to how he's shown to the public to be a case that they've saved, and yet he still becomes something that is "disgraceful." textbook example of this poor boy that we have saved that is actually jus like all the others that we know. dolph also suffers under similar identity issues as adopted children do, and this specific issue of his is let go in order to allow him to begin moving on and finding himself.

as always, im open to discussion and critique! my askbox is open as well if you want me to yap abt smth else in the show :P

#cw: grooming #captain laserhawk #dolph laserhawk #character analysis #analysis #admittedly rushed through the grooming analysis but its like. #read the manga #literally jus read the manga #its spelt out for us #i might honestly do something with the sexualisation of dolph next #its been bugging me lol #like that man could be in ym ap classes with me #hes literally my age #anyways this is a long analysis lol #long ass yap session #i have a lot of thoughts abt this manga can you tell #also sorry this isn't as clean as my other analyses are #its a ramblely one

[eeeeuuughggg]

ticci toby hcs

toby definitely has holes or rips in a lot of his clothing. majority of his socks would have holes and half of his sweaters + pants/jeans have rips. he also wears grandpa sweaters, you cannot argue with me on this. 

to add on to this, he also has a lot of band merch. band tees, tote bags, stickers, pins, whaaatever. he treats them like they're ancient artefacts, so most of them are pretty clean and have a surprisingly minimal amount of tears, rips, or holes.

he probably also buys signed CD's, posters or just special edition presses of vinyls. he went to an evanescence concert once and it's probably his favourite concert he's been to.

i'd say a good amount of the creeps underestimate his intelligence due to the fact that he probably isn't the best at expressing himself in words or actions. he fucking HAAATES feeling small or little in comparison to his peers - after all, he's just as smart as they are. he shouldn't be treated like he's beneath them. 

i feel like tobias would randomly stare at people. he doesn't understand that he's making them uncomfortable. he just stares at them. their body language. he tries to figure out every little emotion they're feeling by analysing the way they carry themself, their posture - whatever. 

he's such a midwestern emo. anyone who says he isn't is a big fat stinking LIAR!!! he definitely listens to loser music, too. dude listens to weezer. (self projecting a little here)

toby is awkward. he's really loud. i think he would have auditory processing disorder. he speaks really loud and someone will tell him "hey, keep it down dude" and he's confused. huh ???? he was speaking normally ???? 

it's also like that one picture. 

"hey do you wanna get french toast" 

"sorry can you say that again"

"do you wan-"

"oh shit yeah actually i heard you let's get french toast"

also i know i said this in my other post but he has the weirdest fucking contact names for everyone in his phone. he probably has jeff or tim (if you hc or whatever they're in the same universe) saved as "cocksucker mcgee"

he probably kinda stinks. doesn't like showers because of the water. he may not have any temperature perception but he fucking hates water. he doesn't like the way it feels on his skin. it's just icky.

toby probably puts on eyeliner sometimes. it's like that diary of a wimpy kid scene when frank asks rodrick if he's wearing eyeliner. i dunno who frank would be in this scenario but it's true.

he'd walk up to nina and ask to borrow her eyeliner. i forgot to clarify by eyeliner i mean black waterline pencils.

on roadtrips toby is almost always in control of the aux. @tobyislame has a REALLY fucking good toby playlist. (sorry for the @ by the way, whoopsies)

toby hoards things. he collects things, then will refuse to get rid of them even though they serve literally no purpose. he probably has a bunch of rocks with googly eyes stuffed away in a shoebox in his closet.

also,, he's probably allergic to bees.

#creepypasta #crp #creepypasta headcanons #creepypasta hcs #crp headcanons #crp hcs #ticci toby #toby rogers #ticci toby headcanons #ticci toby hcs #toby rogers headcanons #toby rogers hcs #tobias erin rogers #tobias erin rogers headcanons #tobias erin rogers hcs #headcanons #hcs

[dazai-ritualist]

you're so damn talented! seriously! i devoured the entire thing in one sitting. how ??? i have a major thing for manipulation ( its definitely not healthy save me ) and the plot is beyond words. Yandere Alastor is MADE for this masterpiece. can i ask how did you become so good at writing? i've always wanted to be a writer but can never seem to get it right. sorry if there any mistakes english isn't my first language so..........

-i

OMFG 😣😣💞💞 ILYSM!!! tbh i dont have a particular reason why i got to where i am rn. it’s mostly just years of writing, but i think there are a few reasons so ill list them here

1. english lessons

i have an english class at my school that helps me improve my grammar, and also does literary analyses on books like macbeth and the great gatsby. we also write essays often so, that also helped my ability to comprehend myself on paper properly.

2. books

IM A BOOK NERD 😋😋 i love the writing styles of authors like dazai osamu, agatha christie, and fyodor dostoevsky. as well as the poetry of nakahara and yosano (BSD NERD IM SORRY). i went through a phase where i tried to embody the writing styles of dazai and dostevsky since they were very comprehensive in their characterizations and they gave many moral dilemmas that are common in stories (which gave me TONS of inspiration). but, i also like to read the stories of ranpo edogawa and agatha christie for their plots, since no good story is not without a plot twist and their murder mysteries are really fun :p

3. visual novels

if books arent your thing, i also played tons of visual novels which helped me to learn how to describe objects since there are many limitations to these types of games :p

i recommend games like doki doki literature club, your turn to die, and danganronpa!

4. anecdotes

most of my stories are acc stories from my life! if not, then they have some aspect of reality. my lipstick fic was actually from a time i was in math class and i was testing if my lip gloss was smudge proof by kissing my friend on her hand (it smudged 🙁). getting stories from your real life helps to make the plot more dynamic, especially if you’re quoting real people 😋

if not, you can try to make it real (if youre weird like me). i have a request rn for kokichi with a reader who basically follows him around like a puppy, so i did this with my friend since shes a close match for kokichi, and i followed her around everywhere to see what her reactions were (she didnt have any bc we follow each other everywhere 😣)

and, if you’re having a hard time with characterization, this works as well!! i like to find a part of myself that is similar to the character and work off of that. for example, im writing a little niffty fic and both her and i are really psycho when it comes to cleaning, so i’m using my past experiences as a basis for that story and my friends’ reaction as a placeholder for reader :p

5. confidence!!

i tried cooperating with other people on fics, but it never really worked cuz i like to butt heads 😋. beta reading doesn’t really work for me either because everyone has their own taste when it comes to writing and you can’t please everybody. so, i only really reread my stories to check for grammatical errors, since i’m pretty pleased with my plots. people will always have something to criticize when it comes to your work, so it doesn’t really matter. plus, this is the internet. if a fic flops, it flops! if you think that your story is good, then upload it! someone is bound to like it 😋😋

#maki.talks #writing tips #writing #hazbin hotel x reader

[herecomesthefurry]

I'm bored so I'm writing an essay about Cater Diamond is based on Cinderella (I'm pretty sure there are LOTS of analyses/theories about it but it was hard to me to find something about it fast so I'm doing it mostly for myself and people who haven't seen such an analysis). sorry for my bad English

Let's start from very beginning

All the Heartslabyul students are coming from the one place (Queendom of Roses) like ALL the characters connected to Alice in Wonderland are coming from this country including Chenya and Cater is the only exception. We also know that mostly characters from one dorm are coming from one country with a couple of expections at all (Cater, Rook, Jack I believe that's all) and they are kinda different from their dormmates. Jack is not based on a Disney character (or he is and I think so but it's not as clear as with others and I don't think he's based on someone from The Lion King), Rook is coming from Savannah so he's also don't really fit his dorm (we also know that Pomefiore isn't his original dorm from ch6) and Cater's case is really the most interesting one of them all for me. I think Cater is coming from Shaftlands because he's not based on someone from Alice in Wonderland but is based on someone from other Disney movie. While most of characters from one movie are coming from one country we can say that there are some movies for Shaftlands (Snow White (Vil and Epel), Beauty and the Beast (Ashton and probably Jack) and Cinderella (Trein and Cater)).

In the movie all the cards—gardeners are ace, two and three of clubs so there are no diamonds and no fours at all but in game we have the four of diamonds doing the gardening so we can assume that he's doing someone else's work because in canon it was other cards'.

So it can be just me but about gardening but you know I don't see why Yana made Cater's motherland Shaftlands and not Queendom of Roses.

Next Cater is like Dead inside ™ and is a big liar with mommy issues and sister issues (??????? If I can say so). Cater also don't wanna go home for holidays and don't know why Yuu wants go home so much). He also has 2 older sisters who make his birthdays all about themselves and I just don't believe that they are nice but too addicted to cute things and too energetic (or how did he say I'm afraid I don't remember correctly). It just doesn't sound like truth. He hates sweet food because of them I don't believe this man at all!

He also lost control while growing mandrakes and his plant took a kneeling position like on PE or while cleaning the floor. I'm just saying

The man is always so tired but keeps smiling and being friendly just like one Disney heroine you know. And he's having problems with cleaning magic (applied magic) but his dormcard illustrations are all about work (painting the roses and the hell he is doing with tableware) and he's name is all about serving there are just too many reasons why I think he's Cinderella (like Lilia (the fairy) giving him phone case Cater really wanted but was unable to afford) so I hope there is something new for one's who've already seen stuff about him and for one's who've never seen something about Cater - Cinderella thing at all

#disney twst #twisted wonderland #twst cater #twst theory

[naoko-world]

I posted 5,451 times in 2022

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(I guess we can see where my interests goes XD

Longest Tag: 115 characters

#they'd argue about me being queer like some people thinking i'm straight and some others thinking i'm totally queer

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

OMG I love it! Yeah they all need therapy but not all of them would agree to go. Don't be shy! Seeing a therapist isn't sooo bad!

Oh and... Fic ideaaaa!!!!

(Which I ended up writing! 3 chapters for now!)

289 notes - Posted May 28, 2022

#4

Analysis: Disney Princesses were never bad role models

Like a lot of people I grew up with Disney movies. Snow White even gave me my love of apples (true story!). My favorite was Beauty and the Beast because I thought "Belle looks like me and we are fond of the same thing." Even so, like an awful lot of people I thought the Disney princesses were weak girls only waiting for Prince Charming to save them without doing anything to help their situation.

I was wrong though: Disney Princesses were never weak or dumb! They're great characters with deep and various personalities! I'm here to argue that point to you in analysing the old ones + Ariel because she's known as the first strong one + Rapunzel because she's an interesting case.

Sorry, it's a really long essay... And thank you to my proofreader for proofreading it this time, you're the best!

Snow White case

First one to be analysed... Snow White... Aka "The one I can't stand". Yet I'll defend her because I don't like her but I can't let people talk badly about her!

To defend her, anyone would have replaced the movie into its context as if it was the only way to defend the character to be a bad one. From what I know of and searched, at that time most women were housewives and Snow White gives them some credits so of course it can be used to defend the movie, I won't deny it! However that would mean she's still a bad role model today and I don't think it helps her case. Intention doesn't matter when one criticizes something so I won't talk about the context and you'll see I don't need it to defend Snow White!

Yes, Snow White is a kind princess that talks to animals. We even see her in the beginning talking to a nestling that fell from its nest to help it like we help a human child. We also see the animals of the forest helping her many times like cleaning the house with her. How thoughtful of them!

Yet no, she's not weak of dumb. During the movie, she even do some sensible things as:

Fleeing when meeting the prince when he approached her at the start of the movie

When the hunter tells her to flee she is trying to understand what is happening and actually understand once he pronounces the queen's name.

Yet she hesitates, clearly wondering if it is true, but ends up fleeing because she knows her step-mother and knows she's capable of trying to kill her.

When she starts acting as a mother to the dwarfs she's kind, smiling, but strict enough to ask them for proof when they tell her they washed their hands. Seeing it not being the case, she pushes them to wash them if they want to eat. Which is what a good mom would do, to teach some manners to their children.

Before that, when arriving at the Dwarfs' house she starts cleaning because she thinks doing that will maybe make them want her to stay. The girl is interested and clever! A bit rude too, you don't clean people's houses without asking permission.

Then when the dwarfs discover her, after guessing (correctly) their names she starts to negotiate so that they would permit her to stay in their home. She even answers every concern of them with actual good arguments, such as The Queen not having any way to know where she is, and suggesting she could cook. Well, she showed how useful she was in cleaning so cooking wouldn't be a problem for her either. I can understand they agree. I tell you, negotiating well is a quality requiring intelligence!

At some point she laughs at Grumpy for being... Well Grumpy! It's his name and when she guessed it she made a big angry voice to joke about it. Good humor is a sign of intelligence!

Snow White is a sensible woman then, who takes smart decisions and thinks before taking them. I'm pretty sure that, if she ever existed in our world, she would fight fake news. Actually the dwarfs are the stupid ones! Yes guys... It's water so, yes, it's wet.

I'll conclude my part on Snow White in talking about her supposed weakness. To do so, I'll talk about an interesting part of the movie: Snow White eating the apple the transformed Queen gives her.

What I didn't remember (since each time I wanted to watch it as an adult I quickly stopped because of how I couldn't stand her) is how Snow White was basically forced to eat that apple. And wouldn't have if the circumstances had ever been different. I mean, if the animals didn't attack The Queen for example, Snow White wouldn't have made her enter the house to help her recover. Actually she refused at first to eat the apple but The Queen argued a lot, insisted, and I honestly know a lot of people at her place who would have been confused enough to be convinced. It's how conspiracy theories as the flat earth one works! Snow White was convinced by the same way that conspiracy theories work: a lot of arguments and not letting your opponent think so they can be convinced in the moment. Some will stay convinced, others won't because they would have thought about it afterwards or simply done some research.

Snow White shows little girls they should learn to adapt, looking for proof when in front of a claim, and not acting without thinking before! I say it's good to teach them.

About personality Snow White is a sensible 14 years old girl that can be kind or strict depending on what is needed. She can act, like when she makes the animals go away from the disguised Queen or when she decides to clean the house so the dwarfs would want her to stay, and she mostly stays positive.

Cinderella Case

For Cinderella I'll try to avoid talking too much about Cinderella III where she's at her best since we can see her use her cleverness and bravery. It's the best of the trilogy and where she's the most active but that movie was made to respond to the critics about her being too passive in the first movie.

See the full post

342 notes - Posted June 8, 2022

#3

I'm bored... So here are some of my favorites take of Bruno from when I watched and made a lot of screenshots!

Because I'm obsessed with him!

See the full post

467 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

#2

My commission by @kinschi is ready! I'm so glad I could have Bruno holding the Pan Flag drawn by her, she's one of my favorites fanartists!

Because in my head Bruno is Pansexual!

I'll see to put it as a profile picture, I hope it'll fit well and we would be able to see well Bruno & the flag!

769 notes - Posted August 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

First part of the pages of the Encanto book that got released recently in France

See the full post

1,249 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #encanto

[mevekagvain]

Chapter 328 - Flashback. They really have to draw mvp lord manspreading hard every time he's sitting at his throne, huh? Good for him ig.

- Ashoka's really just got the worst end of the stick because he doesn't want to interfere with humans but has to since the wws are and because Muzaka won't do his damn job.

- Hi Garda

- His thinking pose,,, child.

- No but seriously. You constantly visited him, why don't you know who he is Raskreia? Why are you unaware of the noblesse? Raskreia please.

Chapter 329 - Ah. Wait. The fancy throne from before was Maduke's only. Made with Union money... The original ww throne is just some dirt and rock.

- Why is Muzaka able to read Raizel's microexpressions unlike Urokai? The hell has Muzaka been doing? Analysing animals?

- You know you're doing bad when even the murder happy nobles are all "have you considered not killing people?"

Chapter 330 - I like how Ashoka's all "You can always talk to me. You know that right?" To Muzaka like some concerned parent.

- Krasis please don't offer your life because of minor things. Imagine accidentally bumping into him and he offers to go kill himself like I'd just ask if he needs to talk ya know.

- And again Raskreia and Raizel sit across each other in silence... Embarrassing. Ashoka they're both lost causes send a dog or something it'll work out better.

- "Most of our people want to commit a genocide so we should let them" is not a good take Garda.

Chapter 332 - Gechutel doubting Ashoka jsksksi. Be nicer grandpa, he's just jealous of Muzaka for getting Raizel to be friendly. I do find it funny that Raizel just allows whoever to stay with him though. Just "yeah sure its not like i ever leave this room".

- It's not like Raizel's life is particularly complicated either? He just has to go out and kill, sorry, I mean execute, a bunch of criminals every few centuries. Nbd.

Chapter 333 - Oh lord please save me. It's the most embarrassing moment of this damn manhwa. Grandpa's destroying the rice cooker and I'm destroying my brain 😭 Like please I know the blender makes scary noises and I don't like the microwave's beeping or when cooking appliances talk to me either but you can't just instinctively destroy them! Turn that shit off!

- Raskreia came to either see the fuss or because he was taking too long but just leaves when he goes "haha everythings fine trust me :) ". And then he lets Rael deal with the clean up because he's Kertia 🤡

- Oh my god Rael takes one step and that sends debris flying and said debris hits a tap and now the kitchen is flooded too. Bad luck king. AND THEN HE SUMMONS GRANDIA AS IF THAT'LL SOMEHOW HELP. He immediately realises his stupidity after summoning it though lol. So he calls Tao 😔

- Meanwhile M-21 and Takeo can't figure out if Tao is overreacting by taking D or if they should mimic him.

Chapter 334 - Love how Karias is like "Yeah i know the humans may not be physically strong but they are still strong <3" and Krasis goes "No you don't understand there's this asshole human who can beat you up so please don't go near him baby boy I'd be sad if you got hurt." Like yeah the latter part isn't said but a parent warning their kid to stay away from Frankenstein implies that.

- Also I absolutely love this gossip session between the trio, Rael, and Karias sjjsj. Just talk bad about Frankenstein like grandpa would want <3

- Pedro is just a really buff math teacher, chill out Gechutel, Raskreia. Regis and Seira never thought he was weird!

Chapter 335 - I like how committed Karias is on insisting he's Raskreia's younger brother like yes lie always and put it on your resume king. M-21 and Takeo however would pretend they didn't know him or Tao if they could because of this dumb shit.

- DON'T SHOUT AT A BUNCH OF KIDS FOR ASKING FOR RASKREIA'S NAME GRANDPA. They don't even know she's the lord I swear I'm gonna die here. Also obsessing over how Yuna and Suyi always immediately hold each other's hands when they get scared.

- Raskreia smiling when they ask if she's Raizel's sister... gonna go pretend that she's thinking her life would be easier if Raizel was her brother instead of Karias or something.

- This random schoolgirl is so fuckin cute. Also Raskreia. Lovely as always even when tiny.

Chapter 336 - EVEN THE GIRLS ARE STARING AT RASKREIA. I know that even straight ppl will stare at extremely beautiful members of the same sex and that it isn't out of the norm but they don't do it as long as bi or homosexual ppl do or blush while staring.

- Raizel's little embarassed blush at losing to a complete newbie like Raskreia. Ha.

- I think Ashoka liked humans because he thought it was funny to tower over them but yeah also because he could talk normally with them.

- So Seira stopped Regis from following because she knew grandpa and Frankenstein were stalking Raskreia and Raizel lmao.

Chapter 337 - Oh Dark Spear spawn time. Love how Tao's just worried that their personalities could become like Frankenstein's. Death? What death? That's not a problem.

Sidenotes - Why do glasses exist over a thousand years ago? I can accept suits and electricity and monocles but i draw the line at glasses

- Tbh Ye Ran being this paved over concrete desert sucks. Where are the grass fields? The trees? Inferior to all the schools I've been to simply by not having grass or trees. Even the school I remember going to in SK had some trees lining the patchy sandy fields even if most of what I can recall is playing with the sand with my fellow toddler comrades or playing tag.

#noblesse #raining while reading

[damejanai]

Dame Raji

2020.12.10

Kaito: I have a friend who loves cars....he's Uchida Yuma by the way

Soma: wwwwww he's always bring brought up!

K: I saw him wearing a very fashionable coat that day and asked him about it, and he said, " You know, this year is the time to wear coats..."

S: wwww

K: "Winter is the time when you wear coats" i said

S: HAHAHA

K: HAHAHAHA

S: He's a genius!!! "This year is the time to wear coats", a philosopher of sorts! AHHAHA

K: HAHAHA, like, it's the coat season during winter, not just this year but next year, in Jan and Feb too. It was so funny

But his dressing was the mode kind of fashion, really stylish

S: But Yuma kun love the mode kind right...

K: I admire it too but i don't see myself wearing it

S: But since your hair is red now won't it look good?

K: Really?

S: Why don't you try my coat now

K: It's a long coat?

S: Long , long, it's really long

K: Will it be ok? What if i rip the sleeves

S: Uh it accommodates a little more

K: The furballs!!

S: Uh, it's past it's schedule for cleaning. Oh, it's that alright? This, you should photograph yourself using that gimbal (stabiliser)

K: The one i introduced last week?

S: Yea the one you introduced on smart news. Oh? Isn't that good? Might fit you just nice, better than me

K: Eh? Have I ever looked this cool?

S: wwwwww What kind of...

K: Ohhhhh

S: Isn't this alright?

K: Uhhhhh

S:Mmm? Mmm..

K: Uhhhh i see

S: Can you do this radio show??

K: HAHAHAA, Alright, I, like it

S: This year, i didn't buy a single coat

K: Ehhhhh

S: Because, aren't coats expensive?

K: Expensive yes

S: So i'd buy one that can last for at least 3 years. And the one i bought before this one is one of my favourites, so i wore it till it was full of furballs

K: Really? This one is, quite serious already

S: Can you please stop it? It's not that bad! I just removed them just now

K: How can you be walking outside in this?

S: I just took them off already, with a sponge

K: Because, look

S: wwwww

K: Shall I remove them one by one? ONnnnne, Twooooo

S: Shall we begin?!

---

~in bloom~

K: I wanted to play one song here though...

S: OOooh? Will that be okay?

K: It's not allowed right?

S: Not allowed? eh? It's fine

K: We shall just go ahead with it huh?

S: Really?

K: I've got permission

S: Oh you have!

K:Hahaha

S: Eh? Which one will you play?

K: Which one do you want to play? I think it'll not be allowed but, is there one song that you want everyone to listen to?

S: Well~~ There's actually a lead track for my album this time, and the lyrics are winter-ish too

K: Well so everyone, next week, we MIGHT be able to... welll we will be able to play it with .....8....9% chance

S: Hahaha that's high! That's like as good as confirmed!

K: And we miiiight be able to talk about it with.... well 99% chance

S: That's super high, thank you

---

~About nicknames~

Q. Do you guys have nicknames that stuck?

S: Well, kaito kun, we talked about nicknames before right?

K: We did, i said i didn't like nicknames

S: Kaijin

K: AHhhhh, you just said it...

S: wwwww

K: You said it...I have to say something bad about you now

S: wwww no no no there's no such equivalent exchange. And about my nickname, do you remember what i said? Probably not right?

K: Piiman (green pepper)

S: OOH?! EHH?! Why do you remember it?

K: Coz it's you *__* HAHAHAHA

S: EHHHH sdkhskhfksdlfsdf this is crazy really

K: Hahahhaa

S: No no no, i've ran out of oxygen

K: Hahahhaa i'm also tired

S: That's amazing !

K: Yea it just came to mind

S: That was shocking, i mean like i'm sure no one remembered..... OHhh you remember wwww

K: Ahhhh, then they're on the same level as me probably

S: Amazing..... but yes, once we've become adults, we don't get called by nicknames anymore

K: That's true, like, calling each other by our names has more impact right?

S: That's true

K: There are not many Soma sans... and there are more Kaitos recently but, it's quite unique

S: Well.... Murase Ayumu san calls you Kaity alot right, is there anybody else who calls you that?

K: The first one who called me that was Nishiyama san

S: wwwww Kaity

K: He called me Kaitis

S: Kaitis (in koutarou voice), that's totally what he would say!! Koutarou wwwww

K: "Kaitis, you know.." all of a sudden, it was not because of a show or anything, the day before of some event, ah it was the day before "Get up Get live", he started calling me Kaitis

S: Ahhh

K: Kaits? I thought

S: Wwww

K: Well i was happy so i thought that's fine, but when we went on stage, he called me "kaito kun"

S: wwww He closed the distance and widened it again

K: And then Murase Ayumu started calling me Kaity behind my back

S: Stop with with the behind the back thing

K: Coz he calls me "kaito kun" on programmes

S: AHHAHAHHA

K: That's why i call him Murase san too

S: wwww

K: Come on, don't call me nicknames behind my back!

S: Yes, we'd like them to call us that nickname in front of us

K: It turns my mental state upside down you know, like *sigh* irritates me, ahhaa

S: You give up in the end. Well nicknames right?

K: What do you want to be called?

S: Well, my name, maybe something unrelated to my name?

K: Piiman then

S: That piiman thing came from Soma piiman which became Sosama piiman, that's why. I say this but it doesn't make sense. And i won't approve it though! The me back then won't

.

.

.

S: If juniors call your name, would "kaito san" be more preferrable?

K: Ahhh

S: Than Ishikawa san. I would be more happy if they call me Soma san

K: Well I would be glad but there are not many who call me kaito san in the first place

S: ......Well moving on!

K: My seniors call me Kaito san though

S: wwww

K: Well when i ask them why they said, "well, nah, you know, you are older than me so"

S: wwwww stop it!

K: "Please let me call you kaito san!"

S: That gets messy

K: That guy, Tasuku kun

S: HAHAHHAA

K: When will he.... the unfair part about it is that he calls Yoshiki san who is a little more senior that I am, "Yoshiki"

S: That makes you feel a little sad right?

K: So, what? you hate me?

S: Exactly that, that

K: When i asked him that, he was like, "no no it's not like that, kaito san, you have this, p p presence"

S: Hahahahaa

K: "I'm telling you!" hahaha

S: That happens right....

K: Even though i'm older than he is i have fewer years of experience

S: yeahhh

K: So i keep asking him why

S: Yesss, I would like Tasuku kun to talk to me in the casual form and call me by my name, and Taku as well! Taku talks to be in casual form but calls me Soma san

K: Ehhh? Is that so?

S: Yes Yes Yes

K: Ah Oh Ah, then, i'm sorry hahaha

S: Well not that I MIND it

K: Because, "kun" is not right, right?

S: Eh?

K: I call you Soma san too, and talk to you in casual form

S: But ... you know... I got used to it..kaito kun is you see..I...speak... i'm like trying to analyse here but, you said that you don't like to call me "soma kun"

K: I don't like it, and i did that once during a programme

S: Like slipped it in

K: Although you realised

S: I just accepted it. But for kaito kun, it's settled, but for Taku and Tasuku i feel sad

K: True, Yashiro kun.... keeps his distance i think

S: wwww

K: Shall we get him on the show again

S: Call... yes let's!

K: And properly ask him about it

S: Like recently when i had a job with Taku, when i said "really thanks for that time on dameraji" and he was like, "ahhhh" He had a really hard time apparently

K: Oh is that so?

S: We should get him on a normal episode where he can relax and have a relaxing chat

K: Get him on the show and ask, "Why do you call me soma SAN?"

S: No no no no, wwwww

K: WHY? you speak casually to me though? why do you call me soma SAN?

S: He'll just be, "Because..."

K: "Because, kaito kun does it too right?" Then we'll start this convo again

~Dameraji photo studio~

Theme: normal shot

#saito soma #ishikawa kaito #dameraji #dame janai radio

[itoshit]

Waiting a while in her bedroom while playing with the puppy, I smirked, thinking about Paul. Yeah, I kinda liked the sound of his broken nose.

But I also knew that Vee would hate me if she discovered the truth, so I would stick to what I told her before.

Yeah, Aston, I still have to clean your ear. Vee didn't seem to like the blood, come here. Picking him up, I brought him in the kitchen since the bathroom was already occupied by Vee, and turned on the water, careful not to burn his skin.

Vee was quick to be ready and I'd to admit, she looked stunning. You're gorgeous.

Kissing my cheek, she smiled at me after, stroking Aston's head. Is it okay to let him by himself tonight though?

Why wouldn't it be?

Hm. You know what? I'm gonna ask Paul. If he's free he could take care of him while we're not here.

No!! I mean. Come on, Vee, we don't need him, right?

I knew that if she was going to see him, she would connect the dots quickly. Venus was a smart woman, and as scary as I was, I didn't want tonight to end up in an argument before the evening even started.

But Vee seemed determined, and opening the door, she walked to his house, knocking.

Shit.

After a few minutes, however, no one answered. Analysing the street, I noticed that his car wasn't here. Good, he was probably at the hospital.

Let's go to my place, the neighbours will be okay with taking him, okay? Paul isn't here. Such a shame, but we don't have a choice. Come on now, hop in the car!

Almost dragging her and Aston with me to the car, I opened the passenger door and shoved her inside before joining my seat and starting the engine.

Are you okay? You seem a bit stressed.

Hm? I'm totally fine, baby. Moving one hand to her thigh, I smiled at her before returning my focus on the road.

The drive was animated by Aston's small barks and Vee laughing at some of my jokes. I knew this one would be good.

Okay I'm gonna be fast yeah? Kissing Vee on the lips, I deepened the contact with one arm wrapping around her waist, but she was quick to push me away, giggling.

I didn't lie because in less than fifteen minutes later I was over with my shower and ready. To change my usual outfit, I decided on wearing a pair of black jeans with a white shirt, keeping a few rings and bracelets.

As I was approaching Vee and Aston, she turned to me, eyes ranking on my figure.

She complimented me but soon after, told me how she forgot her phone back home, and that she needed it. I was honestly lazy to drive back there, but I complied after letting Aston to my neighbours.

Of course, I didn't think of that possibility. So what was my surprise when I realised that Paul was back, on his porch, almost entering his house?

The problem was; Vee saw him too. Undoing her safety belt, she opened the door, running to him when she saw his face.

Gripping the steering wheel, I sighed.

Fuck.

-Mikey

Trouble in paradise (again)...

Paul! I jogged up his porch, quickly closing the distance between us. I only managed to get a small glimpse of his face in the car, but from what I saw, it looked serious. Paul, what happened to your face?

He whirled on me suddenly, eyes wide and gaze vicious. I shrunk back, not just from his sudden aggressiveness but at the full sight of him. White plaster covered the center of his face entirely, the bandages pink where his nose lay under it. He looked awful.

Why don’t you ask your boyfriend? he spat the label out like it was poisoning him.

The math mathed instantly. The blood in his hair, on Aston’s ear. Mikey. Mikey did this. I knew it. Still, I played dumb, wanting all the information he could give me. It’s easier for people to tell you things when they think you don’t know anything.

Huh?

Came to my house right after you two… finished doing whatever you were doing. He even pulled a gun on me, Venus! A fucking gun! I should press charges!

Press charges? Good luck with that. I think the scariest thing about knowing someone like Mikey is that I know what he’s capable of, even when others aren’t. Now all I could think about standing before Paul was how differently this conversation would be going if he was talking to Sanzu. Or Mikey himself.

Paul, I sighed. I was supposed to be on a date, but here I was, doing damage control for my boyfriend like I was his PR team. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I’ll make sure that your hospital bills are covered.

With what? he scoffed. Your little vet salary?

I bristled, offended by the comment. Paul was going to get on my nerves. Mikey may be violent but he wasn’t unnecessarily violent. Paul was acting like he was a complete angel in this situation and that wasn’t the case.

Why were you watching us? I changed the subject. His eyebrows furrowed in faux confusion and I nearly punched him in the face. He knew exactly what I was talking about. Earlier today. You watched us have sex. Why?

My house faces yours, Venus. There’s not much to look at when I look out my window.

But that doesn’t excuse why you sat there and watched as we fucked. You watched me undress, Paul. And you still didn’t look away. Don’t you think that’s weird? If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t stand there and watch as you fucked someone senseless.

If the roles were reversed, Paul corrected, I would close my curtains. Furthermore, why aren’t you getting your boyfriend? He knew I was there and he still did what he did knowing you had no privacy.

I’ll deal with him later. It was a promise. My little lying boyfriend was going to get it. That doesn’t excuse your weirdness though.

Is that all that you came here to tell me?

Oh. He was an asshole. A big one. Well at first I was coming here to express my concern, but you clearly don’t need it. Just send the bill when it comes like I asked. I turn to leave. And while the doctors might be able to salvage your nose, know no medical degree could ever be able to fix ugly. You remember that, Paul.

My heels clicked against the floor as I stalked off, right back to the car where Mikey was waiting. He refused to look my way, even after I sat down beside him. That was fine with me.

Take me back to your neighbors. We need to pick up Aston. He tried to speak, but I cut him dead in his tracks, repeating the words slower. Let’s. Go. Get. Aston, Manjiro. Full name card. He knew I was serious then, complying without so much as a peep on his end. I could feel the headache building as he drove and I leant my head up against the cool glass with a sigh, praying it could somehow alleviate all my problems before we got to the destination.

It didn’t, but it was worth a try. When we got to his neighbor’s house I started apologizing profusely, pleading forgiveness for wasting their time and their kindness. They insisted that it was okay, joked that they’d love to keep Aston for another fifteen minutes if I ever needed it. I smiled at that; with the way the day was going I needed some sweetness.

We didn’t go back to my place. I needed space to walk and the car didn’t have that. I walked straight to Mikey’s penthouse with Aston in my arms, knowing he’d follow behind me. Poor baby had no idea his parents were about to fight, tail wagging excitedly as he took in all the new sights. The doorman looked up when we walked in, but he must’ve felt my rage because he kept it brief with the greetings. And the elevator ride was worse. I felt like I was going to suffocate in that little box, stewing with anger that I was slowly realizing wasn’t just anger. It was worry. It was betrayal. Fear.

I lingered behind him as he walked to his door and he opened it, setting Aston down to wander around the place. A petty part of me almost wished he’d shit in his shoes. Mikey barely had time to set his keys down before I was closing the door, locking it and whirling on him.

What the hell was that, Mikey?

#✦; keyholder. #✦; mikey. #✦; chronicles of vee: vol. 1

[mannapolis]

9 August, 2019

I've never been convinced that talking about the rape was something that could do me any good. I mean, it surely would have done some good if I could have shared that terrible experience soon after it happened but there was absolutely nobody that I could trust to such a degree and my mother was and is the last person to whom I would like to talk about it. I don't remember how I managed to conceal from her my black eye and swollen nose that was probably broken (I never had an x-ray done to confirm that).

Recently, I came across a documentary about a Romanian woman who was kidnapped when she was eighteen, if I remember correctly. She was raped by a gang of men who kept her captive for a week or so and who then sold her to another gang; she was again raped by its members, taken abroad and forced to prostitute herself… She had no sexual experience before those things happened. It's absolutely impossible to imagine what she (and tens of thousands of other violated women around the world) has gone through. I know that even I can't imagine that although I was a victim of a brutal gang rape. But it wasn't my first sexual experience. I considered myself rather experienced when it happened, although I was only sixteen. And my ordeal lasted ”only” a few hours.

As I'm writing this I realise that there is a strong resistance in me against recalling that event. It's the most natural reaction and I keep wondering whether it's useful to dig up that grave. Perhaps, it is. That documentary made me realise something that I wasn't aware of. It isn't the rape itself that constitutes this tragic event. The rape itself was ”just” an unwanted sexual intercourse. I don’t want to belittle that part. It's a horrible thing to be forced to sexual act with three disgusting, stinking, aggressive, drunk, old men. This horrible memory is something I got and cannot, no matter what, get rid of.

But I forgot about the thing I have LOST, that I will not, no matter what, get back. The documentary about that girl made me realise it. She was talking about her experience with emotionless tone of voice that often shocks people (I remember that reaction from my group therapy where I mentioned the rape for the very first time). People can't understand how someone can talk about such horrible things showing absolutely no emotions. This is how we protect ourselves. I was caught by surprise when I started crying and couldn't stop sobbing as I was watching the documentary although I have never shed a tear for my own suffering.

What have I lost? Things that we take for granted (again). The sense of feeling secure in the world. Sure, I had known that evil existed but to know about evil and to be touched by it are two different things.

I've lost my innocence by being forced to perform sexual acts that perhaps I'd never have chosen to perform of my own will. I didn't lose my virginity but I lost my purity. Once you lose your purity, you can never be completely clean again. The touch of evil leaves a stinking stain on your soul and there is no such thing as soul cleaner.

I've lost a sense of personal boundaries. They had never been developed properly but an experience like this demolishes your boundaries to the ground. Some women having experienced sexual violence close themselves up completely. It's their way of re-establishing personal boundaries but such rigid and impermeable boundaries become a personal prison cell. Other women drop their boundaries completely and become sluts. I switch between both modes.

I lost the sense of being in control of my life. Again, it wasn't well developed to begin with but I definitely lost the possibility to develop it properly. Somehow the reins of my life keep sliding out of my hands as if they were covered with grease. I expect a catastrophe every single day and it's difficult to plan and implement while being in the state of constant threat.

------------------------------------

I thought I should elaborate on the peace of mind I wrote about a couple of days ago. I realise that this expression quite vaguely describes the state I was in.

What did I mean by the peace of mind? First of all, two days later I'm not experiencing it quite the same. Maybe I'm getting used to it or, more likely, I'm slipping back into old thinking habits.

Back then, before the final cut I lived in constant anticipation, anxiety, longing and heartache. My heart was like a skittish animal, always trembling, insecure, jumpy. My mind on the other hand was continuously analysing my status in relation to F. I was continuously trying to figure out if he cares about me, how much, why not, whether there was anything I could do to show I'm worthy of being cared about. These questions were mixed with self-provided answers which I used to torture myself. Let's have a look at the rich repertoire of torture tools:

He doesn't care about me. Of course he doesn't care about me. He would if I was actually talented, smart, successful, young, beautiful… He would if I wasn't such a pathetic lobster from the bottom of the social hierarchy. I don't deserve a loving man because I'm a terrible mother, a completely worthless human being with no right to live among people. I should try and do something useful and meaningful with my life to win his love but I can't. I'll never do anything useful and meaningful with my life. A sad forty-two year old woman is of no use for any decent man. All I can hope for is a dick in my mouth… Oh god, could someone just end this torture and thrust a dagger in my heart? No, of course not. I don't deserve a noble death. I should slowly rot alive. That's my future…

All I ever wanted was to find someone to love who would love me the same way, someone I could trust completely, someone to share my dreams and nightmares, joys and fears, pains and pleasures… But what do I know about love? Apparently nothing. I look around and see people enjoying the comfort of deep and committed relationships and I keep asking myself: what is wrong with me? I've always known that I'm not a typical desired wife material but I thought I could find a compatible puzzle piece to make a great team. I guess I'm a broken puzzle piece and there is no way I could pair up with anyone for life. I know that deep inside I still have some hope but I also know that I will never make it to the happy ending. My Groundhog Day will always be the same...

Farewell peace of mind. Hello darkness my old friend…

How naive it was to think that peace of mind would stay with me. The only thing that will always be there for me is my depression, my only true companion till death do us part.

4 September, my own reply:

Darling!

I'm SO sorry that you have felt that way. I know it was awful. You felt so terribly mistreated and you thought it was your fault because due to your childhood experiences you have learnt to blame yourself for other people's lack of respect for you.

You are not a broken puzzle piece! And there is nothing inherently wrong with you! You just need a lot of love! And I'm going to give it to You! I love You! I love you very much! I'm sorry I haven't told you that before. I… I was confused myself. But I think I finally caught the Ariadne's thread and now I can slowly guide us out of this maze. Please, be patient with me. I can still get a bit confused at times but it doesn't mean I stopped loving you. It only means that I need to come back to my senses.

Please, reach out for me any time you need me, any time you feel that you are falling back into old thinking habits. I'll hug you, and kiss you and reassure you of my love.

You wrote: ”Oh god, could someone just end this torture and thrust a dagger in my heart?” See, your request was granted. F thrust a dagger into your heart. A few conclusion on that:

Ask God, and he will listen and give you what you ask for if he decides that this is something that you need.

Don't ask God for stupid things (I know it's not always easy to know which things are stupid but you can learn to tell stupid from smart)

God decided you needed to have that dagger thrust into your heart because it was the only way to make you realize that you have to PROTECT your heart, instead of just throwing it at random people hoping they'll catch it. That's not the way to treat your HEART. I understand that nobody taught you how to take care of it but finally I am here to do that. Actually I don't know how to do that, either, but I'll be reading, studying, learning, meditating and, most importantly, LISTENING TO your/my heart attentively.

Ok, maybe it was a bit naive to think that peace of mind will stay with you. It's not a thing, not a person or an animal. It can't just stay with you. It's a state of body and mind that can be achieved through conscious effort (at least in the beginning). And don't expect it to be permanent. We'll find eternal peace after death but here, on this planet, we live in a constant flow of different emotions - it's called life 😊

”Think of all the desperate, wounded people there are on the treadmill of what they think is love, and yet they can’t get off.

They’re searching for someone who will heal them and make them feel whole, but that person is not out there. No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try, but yet we keep on searching.

My mom used to say, It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.The only problem with love addiction is there isn’t even a needle to be found.”

https://www.thehopeline.com/24-is-there-a-cure-for-love-addiction/

”To get free from love addiction, we must clearly understand how deeply the cravings for love penetrate our hearts. It’s what comes out of our hearts that affects everything else we do. There is no deeper emotional desire we have than to love and be loved.

King Solomon, whose been called the wisest man in the Bible, said:

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

”Emotionally, our hearts are extremely fragile and can be easily hurt, therefore sending us in the wrong direction of life. Our innermost being started out as a beautiful creation of God, but with wrong choices we can easily trash it and leave it sick and in great need.

Picture in your mind for a moment a beautiful white carpet (perfectly white). Then picture someone coming in to the room where the white carpet is, and throwing garbage, manure, and staining paint all over the carpet. The white carpet was never designed to be trashed like that. Something beautiful has become disfigured. That is a lot like our hearts. We, and other people, do not guard our hearts and therefore they become stained and damaged.”

”So where does the healing for love addiction begin? It begins by admitting our hearts are priceless, and affect every area of our lives. We must make a commitment to protect our hearts and not just throw them away looking for love in people and places where love cannot be found. Let us all respect our own hearts.”

”Love Addicts usually didn’t have enough appropriate bonding with their caregivers. Caring transmits the messages, ‘You’re important, you matter, and you are loved,’…when children do not get enough connection and nurture from a parent, they experience serious difficulty with self-esteem. Love Addicts usually experienced much deep pain and sadness and an acute sense of loss during childhood, because a part of themselves was denied the opportunity to grow properly when their caregivers failed to take care of them. This pain and sadness I call ‘the pain of the precious child.’ It goes very deep and back far beyond the earliest conscious memories. As children, Love Addicts experienced enormous fear because they were helpless to create a connection with their caregivers. In counseling they often describe that child-fear as a sense of having a loss of their own breath, as if their air supply had been cut off and they were literally dying [I write this a few months ago as I was trying to write my biography: The first memory I have which includes other people takes place at my grandparents’ house and my mother is there. I was very ill with pneumonia and I was suffocating!!] They also describe being empty because they weren’t filled with nurture by their caregivers. And because they weren’t nurtured for who they were, they had trouble being or liking their natural selves.”

”When you’re hungry, even what tastes bitter tastes good.”