#also unrelated but why the FUCK is there a creepy pirate

[appalachianapologies]

[random drabble to get you through the day]

“I was able to hack her stuff pretty easily.”

“That didn’t take long.” 

Riley sends Mac a look. “I’m sorry, have we met? Riley Davis, hacker extraordinaire.”

Rolling his eyes, Mac replies, “You know what I mean. What’d you find?”

“The usual. For a double or triple or quadruple—or whatever type of agent she is—Nikki doesn’t encrypt her files as much as she should. I’ve already sent the juicy stuff to Patty.”

“Nice.” Giving a nod, Mac pulls a spare wheeled chair toward Riley’s desk and sits down. “What’re you doing now, then?”

“Oh, just having some fun.”

“Should I ask?”

“Probably not, but I’ll tell you anyway.”

With a poorly contained smile, Mac says, “Go for it.”

“After getting the goods out of her laptop, I hacked into her phone. Weakest wifi password in the history of ever, by the way.”

“Noted.”

“And she’s been listening to Spotify for the past three or so hours, so if I were to guess, she’s probably doing some other task while listening to music in the background.”

Mac gives another nod, still not exactly sure where this is going.

“So, like I said, I decided to have a little fun, and I wrote up some quick code this morning before you and Jack got here.”

“Code for what?”

“Basically,” Riley starts, “I made it so randomly in the middle of her songs, Spotify will pause itself.”

“Is that… it?”

“Yep.”

“Riley, what the fuck?”

Turning her head away from the monitor, she looks at Mac. “What, I can’t have some fun? When I wasn’t doing hacktivist stuff, this is basically all I’d do.”

A stuttered laugh escapes Mac before he can stop it. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this side of you.”

“She’s been dormant for a while,” Riley confirms, “but I think it’s time I bring that part of me back.”

#i have no idea where this came from btw. it just kinda. happened. #i should absolutely 100% be working on homework but have this instead. and NOW i'll go work on homework #in which vi actually writes #macgyver #macgyver 2016 #angus macgyver #riley davis #drabbles #spy siblings #if anyone tags this with a ship i'm gonna fucking come for you and i don't mean that in a joking manner #anyway. bone apple tea #i just needed to write something before homework mode because i've been lowkey highkey anxious this morning for literally zero reason #and i think it's getting better. still frustrating though. literally no reason for this #me @ my brain: you are in a libRARY NOT A WARZONE CALM TF DOWN #anyway. spy siblings content my beloved <3 #i have many MANY riley thoughts about her not feeling like herself after prison because you know. prison. #and her slowly gaining confidence and being more like the person before prison (not that she can ever be that same person again because tha #t's not how people work and the inherent changing of a person throughout their lifetime is beautiful but you know what i mean #right? #also unrelated but why the FUCK is there a creepy pirate #i hate it

[aprxl-showers]

klance x pirates of the caribbean

bc apparently when i'm upset i listen to newsies live and think up weird klance aus

in my head this could go one of two ways:

keith and lance as will and elizabeth

keith and lance as jack and will (i'll explain later)

a lot more under the cut bc i got a bit carried away...

if it follows the canon love story i picture lance as will and keith as elizabeth. (i could see it the other way around bc keith could be the orphan pirate boy but i’ve written too much to go back now).

when they were young, keith was on a ship with his father and he spots lance on a piece of driftwood. they save him ofc and keith spots a jewel necklace around lance's neck. he takes it and later has it fused in the hilt of his mother's knife that is now his.

keith hates being the governor's son with a passion. he hates the formality of it and how restrictive it is. lance is the weaponsmaster's apprentice (that's how he gets good with a gun) and he is always under appreciated! give this guy some recignition!

anyway, he has been silently pining for keith for ages. little does he know, keith kind of likes him too. a lot of mutual pining has been going on for longer than either can recall.

anyhoo, pirates invade the town and kidnap keith. he puts up a fight but in the end he's outnumbered and taken aboard the ship as leverage. he says his surname is mcclain bc it's on his mind. wink wonk. captain of the evil pirates is zarkon and when the pirates who kidnapped keith hand him the knife he realises it is the jewel that can break their spell. since keith uses lance's surname, he also thinks it is keith's blood they need to finish the ritual since lance's family are the one's who sent the jewel away with lance. but it's not. obvs.

lance, after saving a baby, watches keith get taken in horror and tries to call out but is knocked out before he can act. once he's awake he hears that there's a pirate who was caught in the dungeon. that's allura. yes, eccentric captain allura is a choice i am making.

lance manages to break her out of jail, thinking she is one of the evil pirates and he can persuade her to help him. she is not but decides to help him anyway in an attempt to retrieve her ship 'the voltron' from zarkon. the two of them go off on a quest to save keith.

meanwhile, hunk and pidge are guarding keith. they are new recruits to zarkon's crew after their other crew threw pidge out when they discovered she was a girl (silly pirate superstitions). hunk went with her. they are easily persuaded to help keith bc zarkon's a meanie and promise that they'll help him out when they make it to land.

lance and allura arrive on an island and find coran who is allura's closest friend and ally. shiro is also there. he has a peg arm (is that a thing? idk it's a weird mechanism but it does the trick). coran explains that the ship keith is on is cursed and they will be going to the mysterious isle of daibazaal to break the curse.

they get there and watch zarkon attempt to break the curse using the jewel (which he pried out of the blade) and keith's blood. nah, it don't work. they still turn into creepy looking skeletons in the moonlight. damn. he threatens keith and then all hell breaks loose bc lance shoots him. it would have definitely killed zarkon but he can't die bc... the whole undead thing, and in doing so all lance does is reveal their position. they fight a bit, as you do. keith gets hold of a sword and kills three evil pirates in about five seconds. lance falls a little bit in love with him.

in the midst of the battle, lance makes a deal with zarkon that he will stay if keith and the others can go (this now includes hunk and pidge bc they helped keith get free). lance is stripped of visible weapons and zarkon agrees to break the curse immediately. lance cuts his hand and drops the jewel into the chest.

then he grabs keith's jewel-less knife from where it lies beside the chest. zarkon, distracted, doesn't notice until the blade is buried in his gut. he dies. keith and the rest act immediately and kill any other pirates who don't surrender. keith kills an evil pirate about to shoot lance.

they return keith in exchange for allura, coran, shiro, pidge, hunk and lance's pardon. keith expresses his wish not to be governor in the future and allura invites them on 'the voltron' ship with her since she reclaimed it from zarkon. keith and lance then have a moment where they thank each other for saving each other's life. keith thanks lance for coming after him and lance confesses. it's all very sappy and they kiss for ages.

OR

lance is still will. i stand by everything i said about him in the previous version. his parents caused the curse to endure and sent him off. but instead of keith finding him, it's allura. she's the governor's (in this case, alfor's) daughter. she takes the jewel and keeps it as a necklace. lance and allura are more like besties but they're not really allowed to see each other because of their differing classes.

keith arrives and escapes the navy. hides in weaponsmaster’s shop. lance tries to fight him but he’s not as good with a sword as he is with a gun. lots of sassy banter where lance is tryna be noble and keith doesn’t care for it.

anyway, we sort of know what happens. allura gets kidnapped and uses lance's surname bc they had a conversation beforehand. lance stresses, hears about a pirate they captured, assumes it's one of the evil ones he can persuade to help him.

but instead he gets keith who he met earlier. in the time they’ve been apart he’s got himself landed in the dungeon. and he’s notoriously one of the most stubborn, grumy pirate captains in all the seven seas.

he's overall unimpressed with lance as a person and with his plan, only agreeing when he realises he might be able to get his ship, this time called 'the red lion', back. lance decides he's going to prove himself to keith. he doesn't know why he's so offended by a pirate's opinion but he just is. hmmm...

they pick up shiro and coran, pidge and hunk promise to help allura out yada yada yada and they start making their way towards the island.

they run into lotor and his crew (acxa, ezor, zethrid etc) who are unrelated to zarkon and that whole... thing but they're your typical pirates and they want their stuff. which is annoying af bc allura is missing and they have somewhere to be thank you very much.

they put up a good fight. lance has plenty of opportunities to impress keith with his pistol skills. consider keith very impressed and mildly enamoured. but he doesn't do feelings so he stuffs them down inside him as you do. they win and move on. afterwards keith asks lance where he learned those moves and lance tells him stories of his time in the weaponsmaster's workshop. they bond.

they get to the island and find allura. they fight and keith and lance save each other's backs too many times to count. lance has a revelation (inconveniently mid battle) that he actually really likes this. this is fun. this is exciting.

then keith fucks up. he says that he'll hand lance over if zarkon gives him his ship back. lance is fucking fuming and feeling very betrayed and hurt bc he actually felt like he was getting somewhere with keith. keith gets what he deserves though bc zarkon dumps him and allura on an island and takes lance away.

while they're on the island allura knocks some sense into him regarding his life generally and lance specifically. she tells him loads of cute lance-as-a-teenager stories and keith feels awful. he helps her light a signal fire using some rum he has on his person.

they spot the ship alfor sent to find allura. they persuade them to go to where lance and the rest of the crew is. keith tries to act like he's on zarkon's side when they get back to the cave and then he takes one of the cursed jewels so he's now immortal. aha! while this is happening allura has infiltrated zarkon's ship, 'the red lion', so shiro, coran, pidge and hunk can be freed.

allura then frees lance from where they were keeping him in the hull. lance runs to where keith is. they share a look. keith cuts his hand and throws the jewel to lance who does the same and drops it into the water. the curse is broken. keith goes to grab zarkon's sword so he can kill him but zarkon grabs him by the throat. lance shoots zarkon in the side before keith can pass out. he runs to keith who has collapsed. keith apologises and thanks him and promises not to betray him again. lance laughs, says he better not and helps him up.

they return allura safely in exchange for their pardon. keith asks lance to join the crew of 'the red lion' and gives him loads of reasons that are really just disguised compliments. safe to say lance kisses him senseless and they run away together, sailing off into the sunset. bc. klance. there's got to be a sunset somewhere.

hope you liked my what-were-meant-to-be-headcanons-but-just-became-plot-summaries!! i promise i’ll post some general pirate voltron headcanons unrelated to this au at some point. i wrote a pirate au piece for klance au month on my ao3 so some might be related to that?

if you want to send asks or whatever that would be cool - even if they're just random ideas for the au or changes/additions to the plot. i also might write little snippets for this at some point (i’ll tag them under ‘kl potc au’ like this post) bc i'm suddenly crazy invested so if you have any scenes from this you want (from version 1 or 2 or any scene in the plethora of potc movies) send a message and i'll probably get around to it :))

#klance #pirate klance #klance headcanons #klance au #pirates of the caribbean au #my posts #keith kogane #lance mcclain #takashi shirogane #allura #vld #voltron #pirate au #pirates of the caribbean #curse of the black pearl #kl potc au #coran coran the gorgeous man #pidge holt #hunk garrett #pirates #red lion

[caemthe-a]

Some differences and similarities ( in physical appearance ) between Myth Cú and Fate Cú

So I know I like to joke about all of the Fate Cú Chulainn’s character design and their terrible fashion sense but, in all honesty, and surprisingly, they aren’t that far away from the truth in a couple aspects. Though in another ( and the most important from my point of view ) ones, they completely missed the point. But the only thing I’m 100% certain about is that here is that it’s practically impossible to come up with a character design that is faithful to the original because, for starters, Cú Chulainn’s appearance is never the same when he’s described and it’s not even a minor contradiction like saying he had one hair color in one story and another similar color in the next one, I’m talking about from going of ‘melancholic, dark, short, pale’ to ‘this freaking kid had 3 different hair colors! and also 7 bright, red dragon-like pupils! and also !!!!’ Listen, I love it.

Alright, so now that I mentioned how ??? was Cú, these are the constant characteristics that Myth Cú had and how Fate Cú is either a bit similar or if we were robbed.

Myth Cú was tiny! Extremely tiny! The tiniest tiny that ever tiny! Just a little hound, a Cúcuc, a little lad, a little deer... Like I joke you not, this guy was a smol and this is something Fate and a lot of other modern media that have their own Cú refuse to acknowledge, which I find incredibly terrible because, despite being depicted as the manly protagonist of the story, his appearance was that of a small, pretty, beardless boy. Yes, Cú has always been very anime. And this is important because his youthful, ‘unmanly’ appearance was the reason why Cú had to constantly prove himself as a capable warrior and something that caused conflict ( that end with murder -thank you, Cú, never change- ) in his tales. Also, this is probably why he was angry and throwing hands all the goddammed time, the guy was practically a chihuahua.

The only possible explanation I can think of why any of the Fate Cú is above the 1.80m is that he got so tired of being mocked for his short height is that, when given the opportunity, he decided to make himself appear at least one whole foot taller than what he actually was. Ritsuka vc: Weren’t you supposed to be a short guy? Cú Chulainn vc: NO! I’VE NEVER EVER BEEN SHORT IN MY LIFE! WHO’S THROWING THIS SLANDER-?! 

Myth Cú was beautifulTM! Alright, so all the Fate Cú are very handsome ( uwuwuwu ) but handsome isn’t the same as beautiful and Fate doesn’t put much emphasis on how beautiful Cú actually was unlike the Myth version. So the thing is that Cú had this youthful, ethereal and somewhat feminine appearance and that he was beautifulTM. But just how beautifulTM was Cú? I already mentioned on other posts that he was so beautiful that the men of Ulster feared that he would ‘steal their wives and ruin their daughters’, but also was so beautiful that people would go *sighs dreamily* whenever he walked near them. He was so beautiful that one time when he put on a festive attire, the women were climbing on top the men because they also wanted to look at that limited edition Cú. He was so beautiful that a fomorian ( or pirate ) that had arrived to take a princess as his slave also looked at Cú and spontaneously decided that would take him as well ( but no worries, Cú murdered the guy a minute after ).

And this is when things get a little creepy! He was so beautiful that Uathach, Scathach’s daughter, was practically heavy-breathing outside his door while he slept. And he was so beautiful that staring at him too much could make you go mad and curse you so staring at the pretty boy wasn’t very wise. He got plenty of undesired attention which kind of lead him to his death tbh. So maybe... that wasn’t a good thing.

Myth Cú was an Eldritch Abomination! But Liri, wasn’t Cú Chulainn supposed to be beautifulTM? Yeah... listen, monster-fuckers are valid and deserve rights. So the thing is that Cú could do this very cool thing that was called the ríastrad, which was some kind of battle frenzy in which he went absolutely feral and killed everything in sight and he was very, very angry and his body temperature skyrocketed to the point where he could evaporate water when it came in contact with his skin, and he bleed and he SCREAMED and also his insides turned outside so it was a very fun thing.

Though I already mentioned at the start that in a couple cases that his not-ríastrad appearance isn’t consistent in the stories but in some of them he supposedly has dark hair and very odd and bright eyes. Fate kind of got that right. Fate Cú’s eyes are red, which isn’t technically wrong because it’s a bright color; and his hair is ‘naturally’ blue, which, again, not wrong because it’s a dark color. And while it’s far from the ( sometimes ) real Eldritch-like appearance of Myth Cú, it does serve the purpose of showing that Cú’s appearance wasn’t that of a human or natural. After all, he was a monster demigod! Also, bonus points for the sharp teeth and cute fang because honestly who doesn’t love them?

Myth Cú had... an interesting fashion sense? Listen, I don’t know how to word this but... uhh.... sometimes Myth dressed normally but other times he used plenty of layers of armor and clothing and sometimes 20+ shirts. Why? I suppose he wanted to look broader ( and less tiny ) ? The funny thing is that sometimes Emer helped him dress up so I can’t help it but assume that neither Emer or Cú knew what the fuck they were doing or how one is supposed to dress for a battle or what the hell is happening, someone save them. Proto Cú got that ‘too many layers of clothing’ thing right to a certain degree so kudos for him. And we all know of the neon Hawaiian shirt + leather pants combo and many other things and it’s exactly what Cú Chulainn would’ve wanted. So I’m pretty it wasn’t intentional but Fate kind of hit the target here.

But what about the blue spandex? Why does FSN Cú look like a stripper dipped in blue paint? Alright, so!!! Polybius and Diodorus Siculus pointed out that some celtic tribes preferred to fight naked as it gave them a boost of confidence, thought it gave them an advantage over the armored ( and therefore slower ) enemy, and it also was highly intimidating. The blue paint came from berries. Since Fate couldn’t make Cú walk around completely naked, blue spandex was the next closest thing? I kind of get it but Myth Cú would’ve rather use 20+ shirts.

And finally...

Myth Cú was super trans-coded! Which is kind of unrelated ( not really, this is of great importance and extremely valid ) to what I’ve been writing so far but my blog my rules and I love making reminders that I headcanon Cú Chulainn as trans. And... I think that this part is pretty self-explanatory with what I’ve been writing about Myth Cú’s physical appearance and how he had to constantly prove that he was man enoughTM in his stories? Other interesting parts of Myth Cú on this topic include: Being the only Ulster warrior that wasn’t affected by the curse that affected all Ulster men; people don’t recognize him nor believe he’s the real Cú Chulainn until he proves himself; having only one kid ( Connla ) despite being married and have plenty of lovers in a time when birth control wasn’t that effective and heroes tended to have many, many children; Medb comparing him to an adolescent girl; the manner in which some of his actions are described in his battle against Ferdiad, like when Cú was keening like a woman, which is intensely interesting because of the Irish tradition of keening women. Thank you very much.

#[ hc: got some minutes to spare? ] #/ long post #/ btw pls don't reblog my hcs! #/ sorry today isn't a day for writing replies ( once again ) but every day is a good day to talk about cu chulainn

[petrichorblue94]

Me and my bff (who isn't a fan of GoT and hadn't watched a single ep till now) watching 8x03

Me: Okay, let me just raise the brightness to max since I heard the ep was really dark.

BFF: Oh my God, these CGI dragons look really cheap, like from an 80s movies.

Me: The directors were probably counting on the darkness, and on us not to change the brightness levels.

BFF: Why are these guys doing these illogical things?

Me: For teh drama. For teh throne.

BFF: What about For teh Logic?

Me: Nah. Not since the book content ended

*Army of the Living scene shows up*

BFF: Who are these guys?

Me: The dothraki. You know - they're sort of like our thraki (Bulgarian name for Thracians; one of the founding tribes of the Bulgarian nation some 1400 years ago who practically lived on their horses as well).

BFF: How novel of the writers...

Me *incredulous*: Why are they charging ahead? What's the point of these dragons? Why is everybody sitting behind and simply watching them get killed?

BFF: It's like these guys (referring to the Unsullied) simply just sit by and tell themselves "Naaah, why help?"

*Jon and Dany staring at the slaughter of their army*

Me: Why the fuck are they just flying around?! Why aren't they using their dragons, WHAT IS THE POINT OF THEM?

BFF: Naaah, why?

*Arya scene in the library shows up*

BFF: *scrolls through Messenger Story

Me: Look, even the dead know to keep silence in the library. HOLD THE FUCK ON IS THIS ZOMBIE BROWSING FOR A BOOK.

BFF: Hah. *keeps scrolling through her phone*

Me: Hold ON, why are you looking and liking these people's stories, you never look or like mine?!

BFF: I just click on random stories.

Me: Pff.

*Library scene continues*

Me: I'm so not afraid of this intense scene. *flails around helplessly and covers eyes*

Me: Arya, stop doing the Moonwalk, frickin turn around they're probably behind you. I'm SO not afraid. *zombies attack Arya* SWEEt MOTHER OF JESUS

*People are gathered in the crypts*

Me: Whatever could go wrong in these crypts filled by dead people why the God of Death who can raise the dead comes.

*NK smiles*

Me: Oh, look at this cute little smile. He looks like such a good, humble boi

*Stark zombies come out*

Me: Why are they so much more creepy and horrifying than the normal ones. Their cries are so terrified, it's like they're waking up, it's painful and they are jealous of the people that are actually alive...

Me: Yeah, we probably won't have any nightmares.

BFF: *browsing her FaceBook feed* Probably. *yawns* When will this end.

Me: You have to be here with me until it ends, no way am I gonna watch the rest of this alone tomorrow night.

BFF: Why is this guy rolling back his eyes.

Me: Probably he's also irritated at how illogical this episode is. Or he's watching Endgame.

BFF: Hah.

Me: I read that in tumblr. But really, I'm so mad at the fans that already watched the ep and made fun of him for not doing anything. He's crippled, he's trying to bait the NK, what the fuck more do you want. Also on an unrelated note, the actor's really cute and legal, like he's only a few years younger than us.

*Sansa scene comes up*

Me: LOOK AT HER. LOOK AT MY QUEEN, SHE'S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. Look at how awesome and pretty she is.

BFF: Yeah, I got you the first ten times.

BFF: Are people shipping her with the dwarf? I swear to God, Hollywood hires only like one person for all dwarf roles, this one was also in the Avengers.

Me: You forget the Willow guy who also played in Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean. And also, no, I don't ship her with him. He's in love with the blonde one who's fucking her nephew.

*Arya kills NK*

Me: I mean I haven't read the books but I'm offended on the behalf of the book readers. Also, on a different note: ARYA MY OTHER QUEEN LONG LIVE HOUSE STARK.

*Mel kills herself*

BFF: Why is she killing herself?

Me: Her plot is over, there's no point of her anymore.

BFF: How creative.

*Ep ends*

BFF: Okay, let's go to sleep.

Me: Ok. Hope we don't have any nightmares.

BFF: What if your cat suddenly turns into a zombie while we sleep and starts attacking us.

Me: Eh, I'd still love her.

#game of thrones #got8 #got s8 spoilers #got season 8 #jonsa #sansa stan

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Gotham 4x03: A Liveblog

It’s that time of the week again. Hoo boy. I have a sneaking suspicion my son gets thawed this episode and... PHEW, body is not ready. But, here we sure go.

TL;DR - Why.

Question: why does Arabia 125 A.D. look like an edgy production of Les Miz? Just saying

Into the Resurrection Pond! Because... y’know... that’s a thing. That is... Clearly how resurrecting is done. It all totally makes sense now

What is this, divine amniotic fluid? Also why are his clothes gone? He definitely had clothes when he went in. Why did the pond dissolve his clothes but heal his body? ...wut?

I... I don’t... old guy, you’ve explained officially nothing. Nothing here makes sense. What the fuck.

We have a fancy sword now, that’s ALL I’m taking away from this.

BTW, this is a show about Batman

I wonder what the mysterious crates Penguin’s shipping contain

Meanwhile in... Spain? Mexico? Is this what Falcone meant when he said “a place down South”? I thought he meant like... fucking Jersey, not south of the border XDDD

Anyway, meanwhile Jim is here in this tonal departure of a location to get his head shot off

Oh jesus fuck and there’s ALREADY ANOTHER LOVE INTEREST? FUCK EVERYTHING. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS, ALWAYS STUBBORNLY, OBSESSIVELY SHUNTING JIM INTO EVERY HETERO SHIP THAT COMES ALONG? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS, SHE’S JUST SOME CHICK RIDING A HORSE, BUT GIVEN THE WAY THIS SHOW RUNS, SHE’S PROBABLY FALCONE’S DAUGHTER OR GRAND NIECE OR SOME BULLSHIT AND JIM WILL HAVE YET ANOTHER DOOMED ROMANCE WITH HER IN THE EYES OF PAPA FALCONE WHO IS COMPLETELY HIS DAD SUBSTITUTE. JESUS.

Please get a NEW FUCKING PLOT Gotham

Unrelated: Margot Verger flashbacks, but this show 1) would never and 2) Does Not Deserve Margot. They Could Never.

STOP LOOKING AT HORSE GIRL OH MY GOD, Why is my life suffering.

YUP. CALLED IT. FUCKING CALLED IT. HIS DAUGHTER. GUESS WHO JIM’S NEXT RELATIONSHIP IS WITH GUYS? I hate myself, I hate this show. Fuck you all.

Godddddd and she’s the heir to the throne, wants to take over the family business... Fuck. This. Fuck This. Fuck everything. I hate this show.

I’ll miss you Papa Falcone, I’m so sorry you couldn’t help us this time and instead enabled a TERRIBLE subplot that I already fucking HATE. HATE SO MUCH.

“A real crime”? because muggings aren’t real crimes? Great, I’ll inform the government of that shall I? Tell them to stop breathing down my neck when I pirate music. Just because Selina was there Bruce doesn’t make it a better crime than any other. If you go after only big fish, buddy, you’ll become like Jim. Don’t do that shit Bruce. Don’t do that.

Alfred on point today, at least

Zsasz you beautiful angel, you vinyl wearing freak, I love you so much, you’re the only one I love, all the rest of them are trash. I only love you.

Talking to the ice block,mmmhmmm, mmmmmmhmmm, called it. Things going swimmingly for Nygmobblepot, as per usual

That’s uh... this is uh... uhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Who The Fuck?

Also you’re... you’re fucking kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me. A blowtorch. You’re going to melt him with A blowtorch. I... I’m. You’re SURE there isn’t a master power switch that would defrost him WAY faster than this? Because... y’know, if he’s STAYING in the ice at room temperature I uh... I’m PRETTY sure he’s hooked up to some cooling vents to... y’know. Keep him in the ice. So... this whole SINGLE blow torch rescue is... I want to say futile but it’s actually WAY more idiotic than that.

Holy fuck.

Also also WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. You’re looking at Ed like you want to sit on his face and I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE WHICH MEANS ED HASN’T EITHER. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS TERRIBLE, ILL-ADVISED, SUICIDAL CRUSH ON HIM? IF OSWALD DOESN’T MURDER YOU, ED WILL, TRUST ME, THERE IS NO SCENARIO HERE WHERE YOU GET OUT ALIVE. HOLY FUCK YOU WERE NOT AROUND FOR SEASON 3. HOLY FUCK WOMAN WHY DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ICEBERG, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

...Zsasz do you know something about this my sweet cream puff? Or are you just amused by Oswald ‘I’m Totally Over Ed Nygma’ Cobblepot screaming at you? I mean, both are fair, both are completely fair.

And I REALLY FEEL I MUST POINT OUT THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY SHE MELTED ED THAT FAST UNLESS SHE TURNED OFF THE FREEZER THAT WAS KEEPING HIM THERE. NO FUCKING WAY. Because, my dear friends, if she didn’t, then the water would have refrozen into harder ice before she could even make a dent. That’s literally how ice sculpture works, to get that nice, smooth, hard finish, you melt the ice and refreeze it and you do it over and over again to get the shape you want. UNLESS she turned off the frost on him, with ONE blowtorch there’s NO FUCKING WAY she got him melted in the SCANT HOURS Oswald was gone. FUCK THIS SHOW. WHY DID I HAVE A BETTER PLAN TO GET HIM OUT OF THE ICE THAN YOU DID?

Ohhhhh god you’re... a fucking psycho. oh god. Just what this needed.

I... I guess you’re the Harley Quin of this show... I... Mmm. mmm. this. this sure is happening. this sure is a thing.

I see we quick taught Bruce how to talk like a dock worker

Everyone needs an accent coach, I guess

Fancy knife makes a reappearance! The plot-relevant fancy knife!

Oswald’s coping with Ed being missing pretty well, all things considering. Also, interesting... belt arm bands. We’re kicking the kink back up in this show I see.

Ah Yes. This Millennia Old Illuminated Manuscript Proves Ra’s Al Ghul Is Immortal. Drawings In Books Are Irrefutable Proof Of Identity. 

Uggggggghhhhhhhh... back to Jim Het Subplot Gordon, ugh I feel like throwing up. All of my tears Harvey. I hope you’re pissed as hell with him.

I hope you kill him, sweetie. I hope you’re only here to murder him. I’d be proud of you.

asfghjshadgksahjfwkhfkjshfdksja <--- rage typing @ Jim’s everything

*siiiiiigh* Well, at least Ed isn’t attracted to her at all. Although... that’s just feeding me ALL of the Harley vibes and MMMM. MMMMMM. You know what we DIDN’T need?

Hmmmmm, Ed doesn’t... Ed seems to be processing some shit. Interestinggggg. There’s hope for this show yet.

Ummm... weird cut away shot. I think that was an homage to Hannibal, the extreme #aesthetic close up, but I’m afraid y’all don’t have the camera crew to carry that off as it took me 8 million years to understand what I was looking at

Hey! Acupuncture is a legit thing Ed, fuck you

Your body is just all fucked up man, this’ll take time

Ed’s uh... having some bad times. Huh. Didn’t think freezing him would fuck up his brain, but uh... let’s see. That would certainly be a departure from the icy convenience.

Ewwwwwwwww @ Jim’s romantic subplot. Ugh. Why.

HE KILLED YOUR BROTHER. GOD I HOPE YOU MURDER HIM.

*rolls around in despair*

Oswald likes Bruce at least, there’s like... one whole thing

Hmmmm, it was the old switcheroo. I mean... frankly I buy the muscle atrophy thing, that totally makes sense, and... I guess his body being fine but his brain being mush, even if it doesn’t make sense, it’s satisfying? Ehhh, we’ll see

Godddd *siiiiigh*

I see that Sofia has a thing against shirts so... I mean that’s a thing

*siiiiiiigh* I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

Zsasz, my sweet, my angel, I love you, you are my everything

Ed’s uh... he’s fine. He’s fine.

“The Lazarus Pit” ...really? That’s what we’re calling it? I think divine amniotic sack is more appropriate but... whatever man. Call your creepy green goo whatever you want.

Babs and... Ra’s Al Ghul that’s... that’s a new one

Also, how did a quality actor like Alexander Siddig end up in a trash show like this?

#Gotham #Gotham spoilers #Why #just why #That's it that's the summary