#and also I don't know how to separate or transition ideas so theyre all gonna be smashed together versions of my favorite books type thing

[orionangeline]

Tfw you're daydreaming about being in an interview for a book you never got around to writing and now you really want to read it but oops it doesn't exist but at least the author seems cool

#no it would have been a very angsty im in middle school and im SO full of angst and run on sentences and I like edward cullen and the fae #and also I don't know how to separate or transition ideas so theyre all gonna be smashed together versions of my favorite books type thing #to be fair I started the idea around middle school so #no but the amount of 'huh that's probably not a good sign mentally' things I put in it #idk how people dedicate books to their family when I would die if my family ever saw any of my wips #if I ever actually write/publish anything its definitely gonna be under a pseudonym for sure #at least the main characters are all nonbinaries and or slightly magic and or a really big wolf who is a mother hen #god the tumblr posts about how they had potential or the book was problematic or oh god the horney fangirls for my emo mc #the fanart of the mc and their best friend the fae wolf who the interview revealed could turn into a humanoid but only in faerie #the interview also revealed that the main characters name was main character y/n shortened to maich ryan / ryan maich #anyways I mean ive seen worse things published im just too lazy to write it/ remember more than a basic plot and some cool scenes #I would however be wildly amused by messing with the fandom if I did write it and it did gain a fandom #i had some cool ideas for the format but i never would have handled it properly #there was some stuff that would've needed a lot of research and not just the places that the mcs traveled to #like the book would've been formatted like ur the mc/in mcs head like first person right but mc always refers to themselves as 'we' mentally #and it's eventually revealed that you (reader) are like. an alternate personality right but I have no clue how to not do that... poorly #anyways maich (make) has been through some stuff and i didn't want to write poor representation yknow? a middle schoolers idea of how #how some of that would affect a person was really inaccurate but also imperative to the plot unfortunately #eventually I'll do enough research that I can make a good reworked version probably maybe idk its sorta cringe in general lol but #but I really want to write about the characters #-well about the mother hen magic wolf that adopts a useless gremlin who won't take care of themselves #also it was going to be a romance between the two human mcs but I had no idea what a romance really looked like from the inside so it ended #ended up being a really homoerotic best friendship thing that was very awkward and also maich dies at the end #then the interview reveals that wolf actually dragged maich back to faerie before they died but maich thinks they're dead but! #they live happily ever after basically #see bc the story made me sad that maich dies for other mc at the end so i made it less an allegory for trying ur hardest and still failing #and more an allegory for like. cutting ties and just moving somewhere new if you have too many bad memories but now you get to be #a forest cryptid with ur dog and sometimes talk to a bitchy tree lady and her wife the river. also for no reason whatsoever the moon and sun #are brothers and fall for maich and they get chased away by wolf and that's why wolves howl at the moon it's to keep dumb gods from their #best bros. also wolf used to run with the wild hunt I don't make the rules

[fox-steward]

hi. i hope you don't mind me asking this but i need some advice.

i was born female, and ive always been a tomboy, sometimes in the most stereotypical way. i was also a little lesbian who didn't know it yet. but after my younger sibling came out to me as trans, i started second guessing everything about myself.

for the sake of my sibling, who im closer to than anyone in my life, i learned about what theyre going through to support them and ended up getting taken in myself. i consumed all the yaoi and gay fanfiction they did, i read up on all the identities that were within the trans umbrella and eventually i started to think i wasnt a girl at all, but my infact a feminine transboy.

i never was able to transition on account of my family but the growing inner hate i felt for myself made me want to because deep down I knew that no matterr what i said or believed, id never be the cis gay boys i, essentially, fetishised and craved to be. it made me miserable, but i wanted to be accepted so badly that i stuck with it. but then i fou d your blog and others like it, and reading through it, whole reevaluating myself made me realise how misguided my mindset was.

despite realising that me being a tomboy is perfectly fine, i cant help but cling to that idea of being a boy, even though i have no idea what it means to "be a boy" or "feel like a boy". all i know is what the media portrays boys, feminine boys and gay boys to be like, and i clung to that idea for so long that i believed it to be my identity.

i just wanted to ask, if i can, how can i get over this mindset? i feel terrible because my younger sibling still identifies as trans without a shadow of a doubt, and my questioning of myself makes me feel awful, but i also feel bad because... i dont know who i am really now. how can i just be me again?

sorry this is long. any advice would be very very much appreciated.

it sounds like you’ve been through it, anon. whew! i just wanna acknowledge what a mindfuck you’ve been through, and it’s normal to feel no so great.

i actually think you’re grieving, strange as that sounds, but hear me out. being female is not easy, being a masculine woman comes with its own set of challenges, and imagining yourself as a “gay transboy” was an escape from all that. you could imagine a future for yourself where you grew up to be a gay man, not a gay woman. it’s worth noting relationships between men are the only sexual/romantic pairing that isn’t party to misogyny within the relationship itself.

it’s intoxicating to imagine we could have that ourselves, huh? it happened to me too, and i’m not even actually attracted to males at all, i was really just seduced by the idea of a relationship of equals.

but this. is. a. fantasy. one we as female people can never achieve.

so you’re grieving the vision you had for your future. your grief doesn’t care that the thing you promised yourself is impossible.

you’re undergoing another shift in the way you see yourself, the way you imagine yourself moving through the world. that’s hard, anon. being a tomboy, while absolutely lovely and perfectly fine, can be really difficult in our misogynistic society. it’s like that dworkin quote i’m about to butcher—something something absolutely excruciating to be fully aware of the misogyny all around us. you get the gist. and she’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

so idk, i don’t have any specific advice, but i do know a lot about grief. with grief, you gotta accept you’re gonna feel shitty for a while and absolve yourself of the responsibility of ~fEeLiNg HaPpY~ for now. i’m being flippant because happiness is a mirage anyway. we get pricks of joy, moments of brightness or laughter, flow and contentment, enjoyment, pleasure, and these fill in between other moments of discomfort or monotony or tedium or malaise or or or. and if we’re lucky we are aware when the good stuff is happening, so that we can pause and say, gee this is nice. and if you get enough of then and you’re aware enough as they’re happening, perhaps you can tie it up in a bow of hindsight and call it contentment.

tangent, sorry. practically, keep yourself busy and tire yourself the fuck out, tbh. when my wife left, i started just going and doing things, anything i didn’t actively NOT want to do. dancing, concerts, art class, bike ride, walk a friends dog, cooking class, sit in a field and listen to music.

just do anything. i know it’s hard during covid, but it isn’t so much WHAT you do but THAT you do. take the field example—you have to travel there (that kills time!) and maybe you walk or bike (that is physical activity) then you do the thing you planned to do (takes more time) and you have to travel home (more time and activity) then you have completed something you set out to do (an achievement/free endorphins).

i also took up running when she left (tire myself the fuck out) and that changed so much for me. with grief, rumination and sleeplessness plagued me; running took both those out of the equation. so my sleep improved, i got stronger and my cardiovascular fitness improved, i ate better, i got to see myself improve and achieve goals, got to build an identity separate from who i was in my marriage. so i cannot recommend running enough.

and as for identity, finding out “who you are”—identity is a trap. don’t cement yourself to any one thing because everything changes. don’t define yourself by externalities, just be open and curious about your inner life, your qualities (which are also able to change btw) and start to strengthen the ones you like, like training a muscle. i practice (literally practice) kindness and discipline, which are important qualities for how i see myself. i also practice at compassion and i like how these things make me feel and how i show up in the world when i’m practicing at them. what qualities will you train in yourself?

you’re not defined in relation to your sibling, btw, and they aren’t defined in relation to you. you can question transness while still loving them.

you’re gonna be just fine, anon. you have plenty of time. grieve the future you can’t have, even though it’s truly for the best, and cultivate a person in yourself you’re excited to be. good luck.

#detrans #detransition #radfem #radical feminism #transgender #gender critical #ftm #asked #answered #anonymous #anon