#and also i would never do that anyways im not outing myself as a the freak weirdo that searches spider riders on twt

[81folklore]

i can do it with a broken heart - f1 grid

parings: gn!driver!reader x platonic!f1!grid x ex!jacob elordi

summary: after yn and their ex break up, they carry on as best they can and no one had any idea how bad they were struggling

type: social media au (smau)

notes: george is in this but he does not drive for mercedes, yn does. i also used a mixture of fem and masc pictures because i couldnt decide and thought you could just imagine whatever you wish!!

notes 2: probably the longest fic ive done so far but im pretty proud of it. the time stamps above each section are semi important so i would keep an eye on them!! also i know ive been gone for so long but i do not promise ill be back. alsoooo i know i only included a bit of the grid but i kept getting distracted and then couldn’t figure out how to include everyone!!

masterlist

march 2024

twitter

charles oh my god i cant believe my cat is finally the pfp

i have been waiting for YEARS

max yes well you better enjoy it because it’ll change soon and you’ll be back to waiting again.

lando jesus max do you have to use punctuation???

alex be glad he doesnt use captials

oscar one thing at a time lando, we dont want to scare him

max ???

lando anyway

yn mate you ok?

yourname im fine? ur scaring me you never ask how i am

lando yeah but usually your not single

lewis oh no! you and jacob split?

yourname yeah, wasnt working anymore

charles ah im sorry, that must suck😣

yourname i mean it does but its been coming for a long time so its not surprising

fernando hello! yn what is wrong? you always use emotes!

yourname theyre emojis nando, and im fine just a bit lost

fernando do not worry, i will come and find you!

yourname no, i dont mean literally just..we were together for so long i dont really know what to do now you know?

lando i get it, you wanna play tarkov with me???

yourname cheers ill get on now

george let us know if you need anything!

may 2024

yourusername

liked by mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton and 814,583 others

p✌️ was just what we needed this weekend!

thank you to everyone who came out and supported myself and the team and huge thank you to the team for working so hard all weekend⭐️

view comments

mercedesamgf1 mega job this weekend yn👊 *liked by author*

landonorris nice to share the podium with you mate

yourusername same time next race?

user33 loved seeing you back on the podium

user2 absolutely smashing it this season

user21 more podiums please🤲 *liked by author*

user3 fourth podium of the year first p✌️*liked by author*

twitter

*pretend it says after march i changed dates around last min*

august 2024

yourusername

liked by lukehemmings, charles_leclerc and 1,124,642 others

did some reading, painting and writing

baked some good food and spent time with some good people, also got a cat…not bad for summer break☀️

view comments

user66 AHHHHHH

yourusername ahhhhhhh

user26 cats name plsplspls

yourusername norman🐱

lukehemmings nice music👍

yourusername woah arent you the guy who wrote mum?!

mercedesamgf1 ready to see you back on the podium

yourusername always!!!!

user74 have you had funnnn??

yourusername yesss!! ive been doing lots of things i enjoy, basically treating every day as my birthday😋

twitter

*was supposed to write them instead of her sorry!! was doing two stories at once and kept getting mixed up😅*

october 2024

yourusername

liked by mercedesamgf1, gracieabrams and 1,291,638 others

p☝️ for the 3rd time this season, very very pleased

huuuuuge thank you to the team, every single one of you who worked tirelessly over the summer break and every moment since then, these have been for you⭐️

view comments

user55 what a good season to be a yn fan *liked by author*

user6 these races have been incredible to watch, so proud

yourusername ⭐️⭐️

gracieabrams woop woop!!!!

yourusername 😝😝

user2 gracie??

user41 why have we not had any personal photo dumps yet😕😕

user88 right we miss seeing you yn!!

yourusername sorry guys😣ive been suuuper busy working on something i just honestly forgot

user41 NEW PROJECT?? WHEN?? (also pls dont feel bad we love u)

yourusername soon!! (and i love u guys too)

twitter

november 2024

yourusername

liked by taylorswift, lewishamilton and 3,689,921 others

tagged: taylorswift

i cannot believe i get to say this, but my new friend taylor just released a new album and i was able to write a song on the album

im honestly not sure how this came about but i had so much fun writing this and expressing all my thoughts and feelings in a way ive never done before

i poured my life and soul into this song and im so glad taylor is the one who is singing it and really bought it to life

send some love to my friend and go and stream THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT (most importantly i can do it with a broken heart😉)

comments have been limited

taylorswift thank you for trusting me with this song, so much love🤍

yourusername NO THANK YOU!!! i will be forever grateful⭐️⭐️

twitter

yourusername added to their story

seen by taylorswift, lewishamilton and 729,282 others

charles i feel completely betrayed yn

fernando oh no😟! what did yn do?

charles THEY DIDNT TELL ME THEY WERE WRITING A SONG??

AND WITH TAYLOR SWIFT HOW COULD YOU☹️☹️

yourname sorry charles, surprise?!

charles ill forgive you because its a good song

yourname thank you my life just got infinitely better!

yuki very good song yn! has been on repeat☺️

yourname thanks yuki, glad you like it!!

lando I LOVE IT TOO

but seriously are you ok?!

yourname yeahhh im better now

was just a lot to navigate

lewis glad you found an outlet! but remember you can always talk to any of us

yourname i know and i appreciate it, i really do

alex yn was that twitter thread right?

yourname mate youre going to have to elaborate

alex user56tweetlink

yourname oh pretty much yeah

some things were changed with taylor but not much

fernando just listened to the song yn! very nice👍well done!

yourname thank uu

max good song yn!

now

lando can you please tell me what you meant on your twitch stream!

oscar max is kind of scary

max dont make me talk about that interview next oscar!

#f1 x reader #f1 instagram au #f1 smau #f1 social media au #social media au #formula 1 insta au #formula 1 social media au #formula one x reader #formula 1 x reader #formula 1 imagine #f1 drabble #f1 x male reader #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 fanfic

[leporellian]

OH FUCK I DIDN'T THINK THERE WERE PEOPLE ON TUMBLE WHO CARED ABT OPERA HI!!!

im like. i feel like im quite opera stupid compared to Opera People(tm) but i grew up with it so ive seen a whole lot of em

my parents both work in the biz in the way where like. a normal person doesn't know who the fuck they are but i am trying to be vague bc it's extremely possible you would?

anyway point being i am SO used to this being an extremely lame secret i can't tell anyone abt (i got to be a super once and had to literally BEG my friends to come see me even tho it was a comp ticket and even now they joke abt how the fact they still speak to me after sitting through it is a sign they must REALLY like me </3) so it's SO VERY COOL seeing someone else who likes it out here in the wild blue yonder hi hi hi hi hi

hello!!! there are a great deal many of us who love opera here!!! :)

if you'd like to see more opera blogs like myself the trick is usually to go either to the tags of individual operas or to '#opera tag'- '#opera' is a bit too general and gets overrun with aesthetic blogs and the like, haha. a lot of the blogs i interact w/ are also opera blogs too so feel free to check them out

also the 'opera being this weird thing everyone makes fun of' thing is SO REAL. for much of my life, barring my late grandmother, i was the only person i knew irl who loved opera on the level i did. it was at the level that, before she saw for herself, my mom thought papageno and figaro and the rest of them were imaginary friends or original characters i came up with LMFAO. i was often bullied for it as a kid and it was seen as that Weird Stupid Thing only i liked... the fact i was visibly autistic did not help matters either. for so long i was the only one, and it was only here on tumblr that i found people who liked it the way i did- it was only really after my high school graduation that i found people like myself in person.

and don't worry about feeling Opera Stupid- i regularly feel quite Opera Stupid and i am at a theatre college working towards a career in opera dramaturgy. i think everyone feels Opera Stupid at some point (and people that never do are they actually 'opera stupid' ones...)

i hope you enjoy your stay!! welcome to opera tumblr :)

[puppyeared]

Pokeymon

@ask-willowleafeon @ask-shiny-umbreon

#fuckkkk pokeask nostalgia got me by the throat. I can’t do this again Im not strong enough (does it anyway) #drawing eeveelutions is always fun Theyre so shaped. theyre up there on fav pokemon to draw right next to dratini. and maybe shinx #these two stick out to me in my mind just cause like. their designs are so good it kind of squishes my brain the right ways #I never got to draw Percy for an ask or anything but he is. very creature #and willow of course I have a soft spot for. shes so sweet and gentle uuhghhgghhhh I love her #fuck dude .maybe I will come back adhd be damned. I dont fuckin know. really tempting rn #I tell myself that but deep down I know I suck at roleplay. but maybe I’ll do it. but I suck at roleplay. etc #btw leafeon should be allowed to be autumn coloured without being shiny. it would fix me. I just want Some Guy dressed like a maple leaf #without the awe of being a 1/1000 chance. I don’t CAREEEEE gimme the crunchy red leaveeeesss #I also wanna draw Gardevoir with a barn owl face. and leafeon with seaweed leaves #aaahhhhggghhhhh clenches my fists #pokemon #pokemon ask blog #pokeask #others oc #ask-willowleafeon #ask-shiny-umbreon #Percy umbreon #willow leafeon #myart #my art #pokemon oc

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333 #he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today #this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!! #can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant #i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am' #this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!! #i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;; #okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH): #this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved) #its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph? #but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010) #its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves #seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his #so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better #whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it) #not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh #anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO #its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation #pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!) #i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos #sebastian vettel #f1 #formula 1 #f1 art #formula 1 art #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such #boy king au

[alullinchaos]

wait off topic if I change Cinder's semblance for my rwby canon-adjacent au.... would this be controversial editing to warn people that the tags are novel length but that i love them and also @graythegreyt pls read them when u have a chance

#wick lore #i have asked myself this question with almost every character but for cinder i was thinking abt her dustweave (?) clothing #dustweave. dust infused. something like that #her v1 outfit that has the design on the sleeves that lights up when she sends out fire. that's her using fire dust that's in the cloth #but as far as i know this is a detail that literally never comes up again like we never see anyone else with clothing like this #so i asked myself. what if that was her semblance instead. that she had the ability to sew dust into cloth #how hard would it be for the girl modelled after cinderella to know that her semblance required her to do domestic labor to be used #thus explaining why it doesn't show up in later volumes because once she gets the maiden powers she thinks she doesn't need it #idk i think making her semblance be 'she can heat stuff up' and thus making her semblance indistinguishable from maiden powers #for the entirety of the series. is a bit of a waste. bc semblances say a lot about characters right #i know there's a point to be made about like. it manifested as that at that time because cinder has always been angry etc etc #but wouldn't it hurt from a different narrative angle. to have her semblance be dustweaving. when she doesn't have any money #no money to buy dust with but a semblance that makes her a skilled and incredibly rare craftsperson but can she bear to sell her skills #when they've been used against her for so long? when all she's known is hard work and grit and sweat? when it's probably dangerous? #anyway i think im about to hit the limit for tags but. lmfao. the possibilities!!! also the association between handsewing and the HOME! #something she's always wanted but never had. a safe place to sit by a fire that she doesn't have to tend and do her work... #also like the possible tension with mercury bc she's wishing her semblance was more offensive + merc's like BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE ONE??? #i headcanon that mercury has a semblance though. that he has silver eyes and his dad took those from him by making him hate the world #...anyway #goodnight

[strangerhands]

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

#it was so good tho #like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked #the fight scenes🤌 #the environments/settings🤌 #all of the fuckin machinery🤌 #the acting🤌 #the everything🤌 #yum #also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy.. #i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it #sorta vent-> #but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part #because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝 #just tee bee ehch #and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit #so i just went to sleep #and i was busy today #yesterday* #and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit #idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is #i felt a bit better yesterday though #and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea #hopefully that helps soonish idk #i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here #also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged #so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there #why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg #anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow #idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea #talkin shit

[sapphicsnzs]

im so grateful for this corner of the internet where i can just get my frustrations out

#self obs #i will delete this later but i just need to get it out #i told my two best friends about how i got rejected and they both were just like move on lol #like i don’t think they realize how awful i feel right now like literally that was my dream and im scared im never gonna be able to do it #i also somehow have to tell my parents and that’s a whole different problem #my parents are already up my ass about me quitinh my job for no reason #well basically i think they’re trying to get me to move home for the summer which doesn’t make sense to quit my job i’ve been working at #for almost a year to come back and get a job for a month #but like i can’t think of another reason that my parents would randomly want me to quit my job #so i’m stressed about that and now i also have to tell them i got rejected and now i can’t start the part of my degree that i need for my #fucking job and fuck i’m so stressed and don’t know what to do #and im just like so embarrassed and everyone is acting like its not a big deal even tho like if i apply again i probably won’t even get it #because i didn’t even make it past the interview phase and anyways im just so upset with myself and everything #i like actually thought my life was turning around and i was gonna be happy finally but nope #anyways this is just me sobbing and trying to let out my frustrations because no one will actually listen or validate that i’m upset #whatever im gonna go drink some wine and probably pass out on the floor of my room

[carpisuns]

theOrEticalLy . if I opened commissions at some point. would there be. a smackerel of interest . ??

#i have never opened them bc it’s intimidating and I don’t know how to price things!! #but mostly bc i work full time w a good salary so I don’t really need side things to make money #like it feels selfish to suggest that people should pay me to make fanart?? When #a) I already do that for free bc i enjoy it lol #and b) there are so many creators out there who are struggling to make ends meet #and I am privileged enough to generally not have to worry about that #this would be just like extra spending money to fund my scented candle habit DHDJDN #and the clothes I just bought while trying to Discover My Vibe and Finally Be Myself (at age 28 lol) #also tbh it would likely be reinvested in other commissions bc I buy commissions fairly often lol #anyway. idk the idea of commissions always sounded cool but also guilt inducing and scary #it feels weird and silly bc it would make me have to take my art seriously if that makes sense?? #like me saying ‘I think I’m good enough at art that people would buy it from me.’ that feels so bold and like. arrogant or something dhjsjd #coming from me I mean. just a silly little guy who still struggles to draw human limbs properly #ok I’m thinking about how I’d have to make a commission sheet and put a dollar sign on my art and I’m aaaaaaa #and I’d have to execute exactly what people want and what if I can’t!!! #omg ok maybe noT help lol #well im not committing to anything rn im simply. asking a question while the dash is asleep and then running off to bed seeya #i think part of me always wanted to try commissions to see if I could be a Real Artist about it ?? #and potentially end up with like. Portfolio pieces ?? #why I would need an art portfolio I don’t know. I am an editor. What do I think I will be doing here #ppl left comments on my animatic that have been giving me crazy what if thoughts. sit down #don’t look at me #ohhh swirly brain thoughts I need to sleep

[mr-independent]

you know, its not brought up in fics often but ted is extremely well read. he doesnt brag about it, but hes read everything from f scott fitzgerald's b sides to ayn rand's doorstoppers to the sixteen book Ender series, etc etc etc. Ted reads about as much as we see Beard reading (which. in my head is a trait that was passed on, a new focus to sharpen the mind and keep him out of trouble and his mind off drugs, something Ted offered up as a coping mechanism for when his own dad died, a way to have fun and adventure and escape without ending up in jail like Ted himself had a handful of times before, scaring the bejeezus out of his ma.)

this turned into a mini fic and i lost my train of thought but point is, Ted reads So Much and more people need to pick up on this in fics please and thank you.

#ted lasso #hes got an artistic soul! #but also anyone whos fav book is the fountainhead must be both well read and stubborn as a bull #its a slog and thats coming from someone whos read both infinite jest and les mis #im getting through it slowly but surely. mostly to stretch my story endurance before jumping into atlas shrugged #also. yes i know we have no evidence that he read all 16 ender books #but having had read them myself i know in my heart of hearts that ted absolutely finished every one of them with gusto #probably on the bus to and from games with his team back in the US #no wait hold on. he was a backup punter right? that means LOTS of time sitting on the sidelines waiting for a whole bunch of nothing #lots of time was spent watching the plays and the team and formulating im sure (which is also probably why he trusts nate so much in the #beginning. bc that used to be him sitting on the sidelines taking it all in) but also theres long stretches of no play in american football #during which he probably read like a demon to keep his grades up and keep his scholarship #so that this ma never had to worry about him away at school. He wasnt going to get into trouble anymore not like he did in high school #he had to be the man of the house and gosh darn it was he going to do it with gusto #which meant good grades and learning about life and people and spending all that free time the right way #therefore: books. an easy habit that keeps him out of trouble and keeps his mama proud. plus itd be easy to hide from coaches under his pad #if they ever had a problem with it (which im sure they would at first but once he proved he was paying attention and wormed his way in #with the team even as a reserve well. they were less eagle-eyed after that concerning the paperback-shaped lumps under his jersey) #anyway have another mini fic i guess lol #im feeling a tad verbose today

[puppyeared]

if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified

#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing #i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though #at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself #as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed #escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date #although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL #ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting #workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety #i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back #AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO #im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts #i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem #in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material #and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school #maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess #only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard #hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms #i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work #not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall #anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh #yapping

[mishapen-dear]

I read that same fic earlier and I just straight up muted the person so their works don't show up for me anymore lmao

there was also another one like that posted yesterday because the person was mad at something qBad did a couple of days ago while not at all in his right mind and amnesiac, it was odd (not shitting on the person just confused and slightly concerned)

yeah there’s. a lot of misconceptions around qbad rn lmao. It’s one of the reasons Im so obnoxious about him, tbh, so that it’s not JUST the negativity that gets spread. He’s a really good target for the hate rn, because he has a smaller fanbase and his pvp playstyle + lore lead him to all that antagonizing during purgatory, and that gets vented out into fics.

It’s genuinely really interesting, the dichotomy that seems to exist between tumblr and twitter regarding him. Ive heard nothing but slander about bbh from twitter (again, he is not faking his illness, that is a lie), but he’s got a solid enough foothold on tumblr that ive seen more hate towards the fans that the cc, here. which makes sense, given how we take over the tag almost ever day when he logs on. genuine o7 to people who find that obnoxious but thats one of the reasons i overtag so much, for blocking purposes.

anyway i think all the bbh mischaracterization means that we just need to write about him more >:D please this is a call for more bbh centric fics from people who do not hate him/know a little bit about his lore. blease he’s such a fun pov to write i promise

#mishapen answers #discourse #<- discussion of it anyway #idk maybe people are spreading lies over here too but i block anyone who doesnt filter their neg/go out of their way to make bad faith #arguments. #i think ita REALLY interesting how seeing all the hate towards bad had me finding myself saltier towards other fans/creators too #so i can understand why these vent fics are being put out yknow sometimes its just really fun to hate a guy #but that’s what neg tags and bashing [character] tags on ao3 are for #on tw/itter where a lot of this gets spread you dont really. Have that #dont mind me ive just been ruminating on this a bunch the past two weeks #ive never been so active in a fandom where discourse had the opportunity to actually reach me #its been p interesting to observe how thats effected the way i say and clarify things #<- rhats the main point of my other post ig because if my gifter is someone who has been seeing nothing but bbh neg after bbh neg comes her #*here and sees me swooning about bbh’s ‘only egg protector’ and ‘no one helps him’ complexes Getting Worse during the end of purgatory #then they dont have the context that im doing so strictly for fun and not putting it on other characters/blaming them for not also swooning #we have media literacy in this house i promise #i would like more characters to have flaws and feel alone and commit incredible sins #anyway. excusez-moi im verbose when im tired and procrastinating #anonymous

[skitskatdacat63]

Lmfao my mom was getting on me abt not having enough to do this upcoming semester so I decided ah okay I'll add another class. And that's perfectly fine. But the one I picked results in the majority of my schedule being generally unaffected and still lax, but my Thursday being absolutely fucked.

For reference, on every other day I'd spend like less than four hours in class/commuting(anywhere from zero hours to almost four), but Thursday, its almost 9 hours combined 😭 which is like fine with me, but I think ill despise thursdays after this, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS ON A THURSDAY :(

#she doesnt like the fact that im practically free on Fridays #<- online class that doesnt meet on that day #so ah i hope this balances out sjkfkflg #the way scheduling in my school works has such a weird affect #my mon/wens/fri are gonna be so chill and then tues/thurs is just....something #it makes it worse bcs one of my classes only takes place for a section of the semester #and that class is mon/wens so im only gonna be online after that #though i still think ill have to meet w that professor bcs there is in fact reasoning for that class to be so short lasting #but tues and thurs is just stuff that ill never get any reprieve from lol #four classes in one day. we'll see how it goes 🥰🥰 #also thurs will be interesting bcs i will have two classes just abt middle eastern politics #i came across a class on the arab-israeli conflict and wanted to take it bcs its obv very relevant rn #and then the one i just scheduled is also abt middle eastern politics so i really am going to be thru the ringer #not that its a bad thing at all!! i just mean its interesting how relevant this semester will be and how im just getting intensely informed #anyways i think the way i schedule would be a nightmare to anyone else #i try to schedule every class after 12(or 11 at least) so then all of them are crammed right after one another #and i wake up an hour before class and leave myself that meager time to get ready and commute lmfao #my friend asked me when i eat lunch. and im like uh ;;; never? 🥰 #lol dw i do eat but like i treat my time on campus like how can i pack this as densely as possible #i dont like sitting around by my lonesome it makes me depressed dhfkkg #also i think i will actually kms with all the writing im goong to have to do this semester #that is my reasoning to my mom abt why she shouldn't be pissed at my supposed lack of activity #like im taking so much thats emphasized with writing. dont worry i will be in fact budy #*busy #catie.rambling.txt

[toastsnaffler]

everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏

#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too #things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄 #jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that #having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically #and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me #despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence #and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik- #she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh #and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space #and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she- #likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man #i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them #theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road #theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill- #finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me #old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc #anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included- #bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately #also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that #im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it.. #ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too #its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes #regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a #fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling #and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........ #sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!! #.diaries

[hearties-circus]

Oh g-d I've been withdrawing

#gamer txt. #i keep typong up posts and tags and delstinv them withoit thinking too much about it recentlu but k never usually dp that #theyve all been needy and attention seeking and thats why i was eriting them in the first place but thats ehy i keep deleting them #because i want attention #and that scares tge hell out of me #how bad do i have to be to be this desperate for some sort of contact yet this scared of losing everyone eho moght give it to me #why am u rhis scared of people thinking im annoying ive been feleting needy posts for months thats not . like me #even when im bad im usually better than that i dont. i dont understand ahy this is different #hell i relapsed a few months ago and i couldnt bring myself to even say i cut myself again outright bc i didnt want to be bother #since when the hell have i put up the illusion of being ok on this blog why am i so comcerned #are my trust issues really that bad? am i really that worried everyone who cares about me will fold the second i inconveniene them? #g-d thats. yeah fuck no wonder my friends were insulted when i gave them a 6/10 for 'ppl i would talk to if i had issues' #that is insulting #and whats worse is that its a lie #6/10 should be over half i should tell them my problems about half of the time #i dont do it. ever #and usually thats not too bad because i unload wverything here anyways but now ive stsrted stopping kyself frkm doi g thst #i want help and attention and to stop being so svared but im too scared to ask for those #i had to drag myself out of bed to make rhis post bc if i left it till morning i wouldnt do kt #also thats why all the typos btw no glssses its dark and i stsrted crying at some point #i dont know if its just how ive been feeling lateky or if theres some truth to it but i feel like my text posts have been getting seen less #im honestly kinda really twrrified im gonna wake up and no one will have seen this post and im just gonna pretend to be ok #bevause i would i think i would really just give up #i dont know what gl do #ive never been this scaredwithout a discernable cause before #ive stsrted cryung way harder andb u dont even know why #i think i think thats more or lees everything off my chest #im gonna try to sleep

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[tamagotchikgs]

last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here

#but. #even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16 #i traveled across the country just to see her again #and it fucking sucked #she ripped that wound right back open #which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come #she made all the plans #honestly the train trip there was nice #i got to experience a lot of cool things #but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life #just nonstop #and now ive finally been away for awhile again #but i still miss her #& i dont know why #but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win #maybe it's just my roll #say all these nice things n then immediately flip #she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there #& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO... #like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it #but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe #but anyway. again. i stayed #over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay #n she'd do it again #until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH #she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried #but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done #but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster #even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating. #what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me