#and how much it's desire for validation

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

What is your take about Louis management BGM commenting on him being boycotted on BBC Radio? There is an article in Mexican tabloids even connecting Rob Stringer to it. Louis spoke about it also in direct and more subtle way. But what my main question about all this is why? What is the point objectively speaking.

So here's the thing anon. BMG is Louis record label, not his management company. Nobody has talked about him being boycotted on BBC radio as a whole, but he's not being playlisted on Radio 1. There's nothing wrong with not knowing things or getting details wrong, but I think to have so many details wrong in once sentence suggests a lack of curiosity. Your questions aren't actually questions.

It's a bit depressing to have to point out that Mexican tabloids are not good sources for Radio 1 playlisting decisions. If you were actually interested in how songs get playlisted or not on Radio 1 - there's heaps of information about it. The station itself has current and historical documents that they've put out about the process. It's a matter of reasonable public interest - so there's also reporting on it.

The point is that Louis' music doesn't meet the criteria for what Radio 1 is playlisting. There isn't a bigger goal or aim or someone nefarious. It's also not unusual - it happens to lots of people - including Madonna. To point out the obvious most music isn't played on radio one.

Part of my problem asking this sort of question is that as someone who listened to radio 1 reasonably regularly while I was in the UK, it doesn't surprise me that Louis' songs don't get playlisted. So I find it difficult to answer these anons who are seeking some grand explanation.

If you read the article I linked to about Madonna - what they say is they want music to be relevant to younger audiences. There are several obstacles to Louis' being seen as relevant to younger audiences. The first is that he doesn't have a major label behind him - the best way to ensure you're relevant is to spend the money to try and make sure something is a hit. Artists who are promising to do that get a long way with radio playlisters, and the fact that BMG can't means that it's an uphill battle.

On top of that there's the perception that Louis' audience is narrow, but very, very passionate. That's an obstacle to being seen as having wider relevance (and its the reason that fan intensity cannot help Louis get playlisted - it just reinforces the existing idea that Louis' music only appeals to a very narrow group of passionate fans). There's also a challenge for Louis to seem current. As he's not making the sort of music that is at the centre of pop music right now - he needs to be current in other ways. Artists like Sam Fender seem more current - even though they're roughly the same age, because Sam Fender's transition from person to popstar is much more recent so he's writing music from the perspective of someone who was just newly became famous - and so can write about what life in the world is like now - in a way Louis can't.

Louis' music would have to really pop with the focus groups that Radio 1 does to overcome all this.

But my question is always - so what? What do people imagine would be different if Louis was playlisted on Radio 1? There would be a cost in being playlisted - a lot of his promo resources would have to go into it and also he'd probably have less freedom about his music. Would it be worth it? Niall was playlisted and he's spent 12 weeks in the chart peaking at number 16. I'm not sure that cost benefit analysis stacks up. What are fans are imagining would be different if Louis' was playlisted on radio 1?

#I can't figure out how much it's lack of knoweldge of the music industry #and what makes a sustainable career #and how much it's desire for validation #a mix of both I imagine #oh fandom

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[catoscloves]

also the way shelby was literally so understanding of and kind to martha is really important. martha's obviously a very sweet, gentle, beautiful, and kind creature, but because of her somewhat shy introverted nature (and also like the general atmosphere of high school and the fact that teenagers are a little shallow) she doesn't get the romantic attention/relationships that she desires. she's somewhat insecure and very vulnerable (which is such an understandable and almost universally relatable part of the teen girl experience), and like a lot of other heterosexual girls, she wants to be romantically desired.

and shelby sees this and doesn't belittle martha for wanting to be desired by male love interests the way most people, especially not-like-other-girls "feminists" would. shelby doesn't have the context of martha's life before the plane crash, she doesn't know why this is so important to martha, but that doesn't matter. martha is shelby's friend and a soft, good soul with many attractive qualities, and while shelby knew her for a very short period of time, she sees how special martha is. shelby kindly and enthusiastically reassures martha, promising her that she will get the romantic attraction and the desire from males that she wants - and not as a way to placate or humor her, but out of sincere fondness and from a place of genuine appreciation for martha and all that she is.

#just thinking about how good these interactions are #and how it reinforces the important theme that girls have the capability to experience intense romantic attraction #and have these extreme yearnings to be desired and validated by others #obviously with characters like leah those kind of situations can become dangerous really quickly #but even so girls that crave affection and desire and love from the people/boys they want aren't the problem!! #there's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and desired and receive romantic affections!!!!!!!! #it's when a) bad men like leah's author bf take advantage of that desire and young girls' vulnerability #or b) this yearning becomes problematic and completely consumes the person #which is clearly not the case with martha?? she has so much energy and love and she cares about/prioritizes a lot of things #besides romantic relationships #shelby goodkind #martha blackburn #the wilds #martha x shelby

[borom1r]

look there r critiques to be made abt the characterization of movie!Faramir but he’s actually so important to me. the fact he Is tempted and that his temptation mirrors Boromir’s in that they’re both centered around love means so much to me, actually

#Boromir’s love for his people vs Faramir’s desire to be loved by Denethor #showing how much Denethor Had whittled away at Faramir. #*would* he have been tempted by the ring if he hadn’t been constantly belittled by his own father? I think that’s a valid question #or even if Boromir had been alive #in that moment Faramir had lost the one person in his direct family that cared for him genuinely and openly #like Denethor is all he had left. and Denethor cannot stand him. Denethor wishes he was dead. #*but maybe if he returns with the ring* <- and that is like. soso important to me for realsies #not to mention the arc of him overcoming the temptation before it’s too late and sending Frodo and Sam on their way #which like. As A Boromir Enjoyer. I think is so critical #like. if you raised someone. wouldn’t you hope that they’d take what they learned from you and become better? not repeat your mistakes? #Boromir adored his brother and Faramir was tempted but he didn’t fall. he learned and he became better. he didn’t repeat Boromir’s mistakes #idk I think obviously there are things that work in a book that don’t work on film and I really do enjoy movie Faramir I think they #crafted a very cool little guy #lotr

[thueenz]

for real though that post is so true on the love front i think about it all the time like why is everyone so LOVELESS not even just in like cishetero marriages where they hate each other just in general like platonic too. it drives me craaazy when im exposed to it like why are ppl like this !! why dont you love your friends and partner!! its like everything is a social game that theyre playing just for validation and lacking real connection and its a game where theyre always about 2 steps away from being bitter and hateful towards their friends/lover like STOOOOP! im someone who values love and kindness so much and it baffles me. why do you hate your partner! why do you talk about them like theyre an object of validation! why are you dating someone you clearly dislike! why are u so mean to ur friends behind their backs im cryin. why do you up and abandon them the second you get a partner bc you dont value them over the romantic validation you get. ive always been such an affectionate person at heart and i value what my friends say so much and i always find myself feeling so distant from people in relationships because they just feel?? so shallow?? and distant from me. like i think oh this preson gets me but theres ppl who say the same things how they value kindness and love but its always like, immediately clear they are actually a deeply mean person and just enjoy feeling like theyre 'good'. the way society functions with relationships feels so intensely shallow and i cannot connect to it at all. i love my friends and i love people and i always want to understand them and reach out with compassion and be close to them physically and emotionally speaking and talk a lot and listen to them. however im cursed to live in a world of 1 word responses if any at all and shallow relationships where no one gaf about each other and then i get told i talk too much. hello? *tapping mic* hello? is this thing on? be filled with whimsy and love going forward please. anyway does anyone else feel this way or is it just me feel free to talk about it if youd like

#thank god i finally found some friends who are like this too it was so rough before #it sucks tho bc ive been so tired lately its hard for me to live up to this #which i dont hate myself for its valid its just like waaah i wanna have the energy to really put my all in friendships again #for half my life my biggest want and goal in life has been to be someone approachable and who seems kind #even to people with anxiety and i think growing up with anxiety greatly shaped that #i value being kind and compassionate and understanding to such a degree that i spent and still spend time actively working #towards that goal and unlearning being judgemental and bitter #bc i want to be kind so badly and to put kindness in the world... #no but seirously why do people date ppl they dont like #wym you guys arent so unabashedly in love that you practically see hearts thinking of them #wym your entire chest doesnt fill with joy and the simple prospect of them experiencing lifes small joys no matter how little and mundane #to love so wholly that you strive to be a good person not out of guilt or feeling like you are bad but because you desire so deeply to be #good for them and put as much goodness in their life as you can because its what they deserve...💙💙 #ANYWAY LMFAO! im sappy asf as a person sorry everyone but also not sorry #pers

[paradisecitizens]

the birthday blues overshare

#so birthdays are always kinda sadness for me #like i dont think ive had a happy birthday since i was like 6 #ive always hated attention but then also kinda desire the validation you get from it #like bc obviously if you dont remember my birthday i dont mean that much to you #i rarely crave friendships like im okay being alone mostly #but birthdays always trigger some nt desire for interpersonal relationships #so i get really sad about how im not built to have regular relationships with people #how bc i dont subscribe to traditional relationship standards people dont tend to get as attached and relationships are always one sided #anyways birthdays suck but i didnt cry this year so a wins a win

[sysig]

Psyche, she was meant to be weird this whole time (Patreon)

2018 “Cure” like: Lol you thought

It really is hard to translate her design to paper! Even just trying to get her body type down and decided on was tough - is she a bean? Not exactly, but she’s not hourglass either, or exactly chubby or round, but not just a rectangle?? I don’t know how to describe her, and that’s completely discounting her face. I do remember that she’s both very short (a little bigger than your average teddy bear but not by much, so around 2′6″?? Maybe??) but also rather wide so her proportions are all weird

The original look at her wide eyelash concept - still not sure :0 I imagine they’d be brightly coloured as well, probably hot pink or maybe a gradient of colours. She’s definitely meant to have some elements of eyestrain in her design

#Doodles #Original #Vaguely offputting if you prefer #It really is mostly the eyes #There's still not just one eye design I can settle on and be like ''Yup that's completely accurate'' #I think it's just another one of those things that's gonna have to be ever-changing #At least that'd make her easy to draw in one sense haha - there's no real way to be completely accurate #So that means plenty of things are all equally inaccurate and valid lol #She'd probably have obnoxiously layered sparkles and shine-shapes and colours - Blingee sparkles as a base haha #Anyway - she does /actually/ have some trueisms of her designs: #Cure isn't her real name - 'cause she doesn't have one lol - and she's regularly very smiley and non-blushy #Which is a real shame for me 'cause y'all know how much I love drawing blush marks but she just doesn't! #She's meant to be just a little off-kilter - not in a danger way just a little freaky lol #Her character feels hard to describe lol - it's like agreed-upon antagonism? She's playing the villain and loving it #But she's also only playing the villain as much as anyone playing against her wants her to - she's only as strong an opponent as desired #So in a literal sense she's unbeatable but she only wants to play lol - once it's no longer fun she turns it off and steps back #She still likes being off-putting in a harmless way but her goal is never to hurt just to toy - I mean she literally is one lol #So yeah she's a weird one #Maybe someday I can put exactly what's been in my head all this time down to reality haha - doubt it! But I can keep trying :)

[poopingonthefloor]

I would just like to thank you because your post on the subject of proshipping was what allowed me to firmly take a stance against proshitters. My blog is non confrontational and I don’t want to argue with people so I unfortunately had to remove the tags and block replies on my post when people started replying to argue with me but still it was your post which gave me the confidence to make this post in the first place and for that I thank you.

Although I've been particularly avoidant to any sort of discourse lately, I am glad I could have helped you (or anyone in general) have confidence to express themselves and try to speak out on issues that constantly infect fandoms and make unsafe spaces for basically anyone. Sorry that your post got dogpiled by a bunch of chronically online people LOL! Trust me, those people got literally no argument that they werent CONVINCED into believing LMAO.

#ask #I've been less actively bitchy about it but my stance has stayed the same #adults into that should not be allowed in the internet and they are backhandedly gr**ming children into embracing that creepy shit #and then children (who i dont blame for being into that stuff its not usually their own fault) desensitize themselves and actively LOOK - #-for creepy pe/do//ince//sty ships to ship because children just have a natural desire to “fit in” - #-which some children find that in following a contrarian crowd #so when they see art they like and dont yet understand the issues with it and then see the artist getting flack for it they jump to- #prxshitty defense and then that just causes them to grow up embracing that shit bec they think it makes them cool or unique or something!!! #and then that causes a spread bec then obviously impressionable minors attract other impressionable minors T_T #trauma response I dont doubt is true to some degree and i pity those for that but 1. keep that shit private im sorry but venting doesnt- #-excuse romanticising that shit and basically CONVINCING other impressionable children that its fine when you must KNOW its not okay if you #-KNOW its based on trauma and thats all you have to validate it #and 2. like thats unhealthy on its own right...... but like ok..... #((though i dont promote harrassing kids or telling them to hurt themselves like that doesnt rlly do much esp if theyre already traumatized) #I believe young people like that should try to strive to at least keep that stuff private esspecially if theyre an adult because idk how- #-adults DONT see the gr**my aspect behind it (bec from what ik most adults dont care about being surrounded by minors T_T)

[aeide-thea]

thinking a lot lately about the desire many of us tend to feel for validation through community that not only respects but reflects us, and the way normie* men have been generally been happier to let me join them in their gender than normie women have been to let me leave it (them)...

#* not totally sold on 'normie' here but like. what i'm getting at is that the women i actually *know* are allies #(though of course it's like. how much of that is drawing on regard built thru homosociality...) #but like. when i get out in the world i find that women are the ones who really hate it #when they realize i 'could' be a woman but i'm Doin It Wrong #anyway it just does all feel tied to the thing i posted recently #about like. the ways many of us project our experience onto other people‚ looking to have them mirror it back to us #that post was about language and this one isn't so much #(although like. i've reached for 'we' twice in this post and substituted 'many of us' so as to be making slightly less blanket statements) #(and even then—that's still a claim both abt the world and abt how i'm grouped in it) #anyway i guess what i want to take away from this is the courage to be myself even unvalidated‚ whatever 'myself' even means #it's *hideously* hard bc i so often got invalidated growing up that i'm still horribly desperate for it #and i'm SO sensitive abt almost everything. but. at the very least a good goal for me‚ i think. #(also like. validation is great‚ or can be! i just think—when the desire for it leads us away from our truths‚ or towards fear and hate...) #(time to be wary then of its seductions and promises.) #anyway the cat is sitting on me so i haven't wanted to dislodge her in order to go make coffee #so instead: you get this

[gayrmlin]

x

#bee txt #personal shit/venting in the tags #it's been a while but I just need to rn #gotta get the words out of my brain i think #I really really hate having anxiety disorders #between the way it heightens normal stress and invents new stress i just #i feel like I'm going to die all the time like my body is simply going to vibrate out of itself and I'll cease to exist or smthn #and I'm like ..... hella suicidal ideating again #but in really violent emotional ways #which is better than the numb stuff i used to go through i think ??? #i was gonna say it's moreso a way to express how strong my emotions are rn #and that's definitely true #but that desire to stop existing is still really really really there #being a person really is too much for me #i feel like i need to scream and cry and peel my skin off all the time #everything's too too too too much #and i feel like a horrible person all the fucking time #there is so so so so so so so much guilt inside me #and some of it is so valid and some of it isn't but goddamn it all feels the same #and it all feels so much #no matter what i feel like i can't exist without disappointing or being horrible to someone and it's so stressful #and i feel bad for feeling guilty instead of fixing it #cause I'm being selfish #but I'm so paralyzed by all of it #i just can't do anything #I've been trying to get these words out for so long now #but I've just been paralyzed #i keep not being able to do anything and that makes all the guilt so much worse #it's just more and more and more and more and more #and i can't stop i can't stop thinking about it all

[exbeaut]

felix was fucking in LOVE w him

#that sociopath i love u king fuck the rich true so valid fuck them over they deserve it #BUF FELIX #TRULY WAS INLOVE FROM THE START #FUK MAN #i’m always a fuck the rich type of gal but that movie wasn’t even eat the rich concept #it was more base human desires and how far you would go to get it #and bro went FAR #i do believe he was in love w felix as much as he could be like bro is sociopathic not cult capable of feeling love but as much as he could #he was a felix #BUT FELIX ON THE OTHER HAND #BRO WAS SO FUCKING KN LOVE #like from the fucking start sure it was all manipulation but it was real to him #he was IN LOVEEEEEEE #ITS SO SAD ACTUALLY #SNNDJSJSJSJ

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#I never fucking learn #went and did something stupid when I knew better and just ended up making myself feel sick #and yet my body still reacts with desire for those old memories even as I feel so nauseous #I hate that any part of me still wants that and still wants you but I can’t give you up #I hate that I can’t cut off this toxicity and I still allow everything in our past and present to cause me so much pain #you’re not worth all of this suffering that I’m doing so why can’t I just leave you behind? #you manipulated me and used me and then threw me away like I was nothing without a second fucking thought and just expected me to deal #life kicked you in the teeth so you turned around and kicked in mine #you said you never meant to hurt me and you never realized that it seemed like you were stringing me along #but how could you not have known? with how much I tried to explain myself and talk through everything with you #you never intended to hurt me but turned on me so quickly it gave me whiplash #you never meant to hurt me but still said and did things you knew bothered me after I’d told you they did #you got mad at me for having feelings and yelled at me for needing clarity #you turned everything around on me and made everything my fault to the point I was begging you not to leave me #and for what? what did I do for you exactly? what am I still doing for you that you want me around after everything that’s happened? #I know exactly what role you fill for me and could tell you with no hesitation #but I’m starting to wonder what I’m doing for your life if not to just fill some desperate need for attention or validation or whatever else #and I think I’m getting ready to move on soon #I may need some time to fully detach and I may still want my final words #but realizations are hitting me now with a different kind of clarity #I still feel so sick over everything but maybe I needed this disgust to fester in me and make me see you for what you are #maybe I needed to feel this shitty to understand all the shit you’ve done to me and the ways you’ve hurt me #it’s just unfortunate you turned out to be another lesson because I’m really tired of learning #personal

[dukeofankh]

I cannot express how jarring it was after being raised by a "Porn Addiction Coach" to get into a relationship with a woman and come face to face with the fact that she did actually want me to sexually desire her.

Like, in Evangelical Purity Culture, male desire was basically poison. It was a threat. It was this constant temptation that would destroy everything. And even after leaving, in the sort of queer, feminist spaces i spend most of my time in that wasn't something that pretty much anyone was spending time actively dissuading me from feeling.

But my desire is good. It's not something that I'm being accepted in spite of. It's a positive thing. It's a bonus. Not even just vanilla stuff, all the stuff I'd convinced myself were these weird terrible desires that were shameful to have.

It honestly took me over a decade to fully accept that. To stop dissociating during sex and confront that I was, in fact, being a massive perv and that was fantastic and preferable and that I could accept that into my self-image without shame or self hatred.

But it's important to do. It's important to leave relationships that don't welcome that part of you. To know that your sexuality is valuable and valid and worth owning and celebrating. Because the alternative is just...not being. Either existing as yourself and repressing the part of your identity that is sexual or allowing that sexuality to exist but turning off your self while it does.

#religious trauma #ex christian #deconversion #evangelical purity culture #purity culture #me writing stuff

[wolfertinger666]

I think people gotta realize and remember most trans guys can't access hrt/surgery or don't desire it and they are very much real boys as others who do have access to those resources. the reason why I draw most of my boys as "non passing" cuz they look like me and others.

I saw someone bring that up as a sort of "criticism" a few days ago which is valid but also like, it's how I express and rep boys like me.

[yuri-puppies]

Shape-shifters, face-blindness, and "paying attention to others"

The shapeshifter is one of my favourite "monster of the week" episodes because it showcases how differently Laios processes social information than the rest of the party. It reminds me a lot of the strategies I, faceblind name-forgetter and eye-contact avoider, use to recognize people and learn things about them.

We see Laios clearly fail at recognizing the doubles through "standard" social cues that are perceived as "easy to tell", such as their clothes. This makes the team (unfairly, but understandably) weary of his ability to tell the fakes apart and even worried that he'd prefer the monster versions* over them. Nonetheless, he gives it a try!

...And is immediately overwhelmed. His lack of attention to social cues works a bit in his favor, though, as it makes it harder for him to fall for stereotypes that fool the rest of the group.

Instead, he chooses to rely on his strengths and use his investigation and animal handling skills to distract the shapeshifters, lure out the monster, and roll the most insane balls-to-the-wall intimidation check of all time.

If it had ended there it still would have been a great episode that showcases Laios' strategic mind and his strengths as a leader. He doesn't have the social skills necessary for the task, but he is clever and creative enough to use the skills he does have proficiency in to solve the problem*.

However, what makes this episode so dear and near to my faceblind heart is the revelation that Laios was able to recognize the real party members after all.

Laios is fantastic representation of how special interests actually work for a monotropic interest system. Having a special interest is not just about how much you like it and the need to know everything about it, it's a way of processing and filtering information. Laios' special interest is monsters: his skills as a dungeoneer and party leader are acquired for and informed by his desire to interact with monsters, as is his interest in eating them. He actually brings this up himself when comparing his interest in cooking to Senshi's.

And in this episode, we see that this also extends to his friends. Laios hacks one of the most difficult types of information for him to process by routing it through the lens of the special interest. And, because it's not something most people would notice, it works. He knows that Chilchuck wouldn't let his guard down around a potential mimic, that Senshi values a balanced ecosystem, that (my favourite) Marcille just isn't as thoughtful about monsters as he is.

It might not be what was expected, but it did the trick! And what's more, the narrative validates his way of thinking (even if Chilchuck doesn't).

#*i'm keeping this post anime-only friendly so i won't elaborate #but it's interesting on re-read the tensions that are being set up in this episode. idk if i would call it foreshadowing exactly but... #(the information about monotropism is just from wikipedia. i'm not super well-versed but i'm hoping to be able to do some reading on it soo #because laios really is such a fantastic example) #dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #delicious in dungeon #laios touden #laios dungeon meshi #chilchuk tims #marcille donato #senshi of izganda

[youraveragemushroom]

♡

#ive discovered a new way to feel sad hip hip hooray #i also found another irony im forced to live through which yeah checks out i was due for more #i know therapy would fix a lot of this but i dont want to get better #at least not theres no point im not gonna get better even if i go through the motions #rn but also sometimes it feels like in general itll always be that way #phoebe really popped off with that bridge in funeral like #yeah bitch i am blue all the time #and it really is just how i feel most days #feels like i always have and every day come rain or shine it genuinely feels like i always will #its not fair i cant logic my way out of the internalized fatphobia #because no matter how much i know that being fat is not undesirable or ugly or like even if it actually was it doesnt indicate worth #i just circle back to annecdotal evidence and like look at it through the objective paradigm of the world we live in #which unfortunately does root a lot of desirability and self worth in appearance and like #i hate that i think this way and i hate that to me i consider it factual objective knowledge #but i hate that im living in a world where its alright if youre ‘ugly’ as long as youre not fat #because i can feel pretty and still know the objective truth that it means nothing nothing has changed and nothing will change cause any #external validation i might want wont ever come as long as i look the way i do #and the worst part is i know im aware i get that this is a distorted worldview and if i couldnt recognize my face or body as my own i would #not be as harsh w the criticism in fact ive seen ppl w parts like mine and found beauty and even desirability in them BECAUSE of those parts #i hate in myself #but im not the one who can give myself external validation so me finding fat ppl and ppl w scars and discoloration sexy means actual jack sh #and then when i wake up from the depressive cloud and enter a girlboss lite adjacent moment in which #i tell myself i dont need to ever fall in love or be loved and romance is overrated and overcommercialized anyway #well it doesnt do shit cause even if at the end of the day the only person i have to seek approval of is myself #well i fucking hate myself any redeeming quality ppl could point to is carefully exhibited and curated #for the purposes of servitude and like a function of finding value in how effective of a friend i can be #not a good friend no im talking about maximizing necessity because thats all ive put investment into in terms of growing a personality #so i cant just throw away the whole external aspect of my desire for validation cause my entire personality soul whatever has been created #with the sole intention of making ppl need me or at least filling an irreplaceable spot in their life so they cant drop me cause whos gonna #be the cool girl like me