#and tbh the fact that they do show him having moments of weakness and wavering in his convictions and doubting himself makes it better

[hellsingmongrel]

Honestly, I think one of the best things about Trigun is how Knives ABSOLUTELY could have won, but he was stupid. He let his brother go, instead of keeping him on a short leash. Knives thought that Vash would just crumble and break under the long years of trauma and pressure and sadness, and he'd be easy pickings later, would willingly come back.

But no. Instead, Vash picked himself up off the ground, leaned on the humans who supported him when he needed them, and spent the next 50+ years training his body and his mind for what he had to do. He didn't let himself break, no matter how much he wanted to, he redirected all of that pain and suffering he'd experienced, losing a lot of his naivete and innocence along the way (though tbh, that was already happening well before Knives did what he did, anyway) but becoming stronger in himself and his convictions.

Vash still carries a lot of guilt and trauma and self-hate, yes, but he knows he's the only one who can stop his brother, and he's going to make that Knives' problem. He kept his morals and his kind heart, despire everything that was done to him, and until the very end of their war, he refused to give up on his dreams of seeing everyone living peacefully together.

#KISS MY ASS #I know he's fictional and there's no way we can hope to be as good a person as Vash is #he's a literal space Jesus ok #But we could all do well to try and be a bit more like he is regardless #and tbh the fact that they do show him having moments of weakness and wavering in his convictions and doubting himself makes it better #He's very human regardless of his celestial origins #we all doubt ourselves and sometimes the journey is hard and we might lose our way #but keeping that hope and love in our hearts and showing compassion to the people around us is SO IMPORTANT #His sass and snark when he's irritated are also great in this regard too #You can be the kindest person in the world and still just have to POP OFF sometimes lol #scribbled on the fists of the people who want to hurt you #trigun #trigun stampede #trigun maximum #vash the stampede

[lordelmelloi2]

Rider descended from his chariot. Standing beside Waver, he sighed deeply.

“That's why, eh...I've asked you to stop, but...”

“Shut up!!”

At the gigantic Servant's coughing murmur―within his demoralized heart, the last bit of self-dignity was scattered into fire sparks.

His intense outburst of fury had no reason or logic whatsoever. Kneeling here, his weakness was detestable. Of all times, for this weakness to be revealed in front of his Servant was an utterly mortifying humiliation.

“Son of a bitch! Treating me as an idiot! Dammit!!”

“Now's not the time to get into temper. Idiot.”

Rider spat that out with a sigh, and yet, for some reason, he was not amazed, nor did he reproach Waver. Instead, his voice could be heard in a quiet, admonishing tone.

“It's okay, that's all for now. If there is someone who would not twitch and eyebrow even after being shown such a thing, I'll go and bash him.

Probably also one of the few times that Fate/series condemns anything of this matter... also completely and totally overrode by the fact that in the manga there’s a 2 page spread with detailed images of the mutilated corpses right then and there. I feel like Fate series runs into this problem a lot

Rather, I praise your decision, boy. The plan of bringing Caster and his Master down first is true indeed. Now I see, every second such people exist is disgusting.”

“......”

Although he was commended by Rider, Waver could not be honestly glad at all. The reason he set Caster as his target was to get the supplementary Command Spell shown by the supervisor as a reward. Obviously, he did not tell Rider that. That's because there would be no reason for a Servant to rejoice in the unnecessary increase of the Command Spells which bind them.

Among those words Rider said to Waver, none of them bear malice. And yet, Waver strongly loathed that towering Servant.

He did not show even the respectful attitude Servants normally have towards their Masters. On the contrary, he kept having this behavior of treating Waver as an idiot. If that was all, then it's still all right. But, the thing which is most unforgivable was that- despite his rare attempts to praise Waver, at such moments, he had such irrelevant misunderstanding towards him.

See it’s stuff like this that really illuminates the way that Waver rejected any emotional support by default because of how he interpreted the situations; he believes he’s being mocked, not comforted, he’s still in that “I don’t need your pity” pseudostrength mindset... I am intimately familiar with it. Feeling as though any time anybody treats you with kindness they are pitying you. As if it’s wrong to accept someone’s pity or as if it’s wrong for you to be somebody deserving of pity. Pity isn’t inherently derogatory. 

Also Iskandar’s mentoring of Waver really comes out in full force in the pre-sewer scene but also here. I think it becomes very apparent just how Waver needs some life guidance. The stuff Waver says when he’s upset makes it clear that Waver has no idea what to do and isn’t even like a typical magus who might be used to dealing with the dead. He’s just a boy. He’s only 19 years old. How is he supposed to react? 

“What are you hitting me for!? Idiot! Aren't you standing there unconcerned!? Am I not the only one who's ashamed!?”

Even though he was vomiting heavily until tears came out, with a furious voice, he snapped at Rider with all his might. 

I’m surprised he still has any strength left in him to yell tbh. But literally again Waver yelling and crying and throwing up. And making it clear that he has no idea how to emotionally process this situation even while being comforted and told it’s normal that he’s crying and yelling and throwing up 

At that, in an extremely troubled manner, Rider's mouth formed a “へ” shape.

GUAIHSDUVWUGEOIFHLKJWF!?!? JUST WRITTEN OUT LIKE THAT!!!!?!

#rose rereads fzln

[pxppinmolly-archived]

This is just my opinion and something I’ve been :T about but.

I really don’t like the fact Viv said Alastor can’t physically not smile. Like it’s permanent.

It just really.. Take aways a lot, I think. It doesn’t have as much impact as it does anymore.

The whole reason, at least personally, I saw Alastor as refusing to not smile WAS a sign of power by choice. Which, he says smiling is a sign of power.

But the fact that he apparently isn’t even doing it by choice just makes it feel. Weak.

I personally love the idea of that Alastor keeping his smile by choice. That yes he is doing it because not smiling shows weakness and thus those who don’t keep a smile up are inherently weaker, unlike him who can hold such a thing.

PLUS

I love the idea of moments, very rare I’m sure, of Alastor seeming to have a struggle. His smile is kept but it’s wavering. He’s still smiling but there’s a struggle in his eyes and he’s fucking pissed off about it.

OR a big fucking absolutely crucial and heartbreaking, or rather destructive, moment of for once Alastor actually frowns. It’s a big moment and I feel would be like a. !!! moment because. Holy shit!

But, tbh mostly what I have to say is I feel it just takes away a lot of the power it held. At least to me personally. It just feels like it went from an Oooh! to a. *clicks tongue* oh.

but that’s just my opinion.

Sure maybe Alastor forced himself to be that way, or he smiled so much that the whole “keep ur face a certain way and itll freeze like that forever” or whatever other reason, but regardless of any reasons I still feel it’s rather. Boring.

#ooc #tbh just me rambling over my opinion on the fact Alastor's smile is like. permanent

[cyl2-moved]

alright so i didn’t really agree with what tier lists were saying about certain fgo servants so i made my own one ! you’re welcome to disagree, of course, but this is what i think should make up the fgo five star tier list

S: makes any team better, 100% desirable, meta breaking

A: well built and capable of carrying a team

B: good team addition and plays well/good for one specific purpose

C: ok tier, they’re just fine tbh, deservant of 5 star status but on thin ice

D: straight up should’ve been a 4 star

EX: servants that i’ve heard of only in legend

*note: this is for the na server as of january 2019, i could honestly give less of a shit about jp

**note: berserkers gain a bit of fluidity because their one purpose is to kill and any zerk that can do that is good (< that’s all zerks btw)

***note: all 5 stars are worth levelling up, they’re all really good. don’t burn them please

****note: i don’t claim to know everything about fgo, this list isn’t the gospel

S TIER:

MERLIN (caster): ok y’all saw this one coming but basically merlin is fucking amazing. he can really fit on any team set up he wants to and he’s a prime example of what a good caster should be. i don’t think i need to explain this entry. moving on.

JEANNE D’ARC ALTER (avenger): jalter is probably the best buster based servant you can summon in the na server right now and was a complete powerhouse until merlin showed up. if you want a reliable servant that can do just about anything without fail i suggest her if you ever get lucky enough to summon her

FIRST HASSAN (assassin): normally gramps isn’t listed with these two, but if you’ve ever used him chances are you can atleast somewhat see where i’m coming from here. this man is a BEAST, his singularity track record should be proof of that (y’know, because he stole the show in a whole ass two of them). he can’t fit into any team like the first two but he can destroy like nobody’s fucking business. summon him if you get the chance

A TIER:

MIYAMOTO MUSASHI (saber): musashi is a saber focused in single target buster damage, and her skills and np allow her to go above with this focus. at the moment i’d say she’s probably the best saber available because her np, skills, and deck match so well. \

NERO BRIDE (saber): i forgot her and i’m only just now adding her in so whoops but basically she’s one of the only arts sabers that’s actually good and has a good and spammable np.

GILGAMESH (archer): he’s an anti army buster focus who has a noble phantasm that only six servants in the game so far aren’t weak to. he’s kind of a lancer pincushion but just don’t send him out into battles with lancers. there you go.

ISHTAR (archer): ishtar doesn’t have the same np effect as gil but other than that she’s a fairly good replacement for him, not to mention she has a slightly higher hp value than him

BRYNHILDR (lancer): brynhildr would probably be lower on this list if it weren’t for her sparse availability and trait that affects most male and some female servants in the game. she’s probably the best lancer in the game because of those two reasons, but all lancers are safe bets tbh

OZYMANDIAS (rider): ozymandias is amazing at spamming buster cards and has a particularly great np, great for boss battles. also he’s hot

QUETZALCOATL (rider): basically the same as ozy here except with a more specifically buster deck. also she’s hot

ZHUGE LIANG (caster): a lot of people categorize him with merlin and to those people i have to ask: have you ever played this game? waver comes close, but don’t act like people didn’t throw him to the side the exact moment merlin came out. open your eyes you absolute fools

XUANZANG SANZANG (caster): this one has a twinge of personal bias but seeing as she’s a caster but has the highest atk of all of my servants atm. also she’s hot, but she’s one of the only casters in the game right now that’s somewhat buster based and can make a buster brave chain which her np (which is kinda rare for casters). she can fit into really any team composition without too much issue and has a rather high survivability rate

JACK THE RIPPER (assassin): contrary to brynhildr, jack got higher on this list almost specifically because of her availability. she’s a really good assassin that’s rather easy to get (well, considering she’s a five star). the one bane i can think of is that she’s not very team compatible, but she’ll do just fine regardless. get her going with quick chains and she will absolutely obliterate

CU CHULAINN ALTER (berserker): just wanna start out by saying he’s still one of the most powerful berserkers in the jp server. AND he’s easily available. do i really fucking have to say anything else? (protection from arrows lol)

MINAMOTO NO RAIKOU (berserker): mom’s deck is set up a bit differently from other berserkers’, having more arts and quick card than most of them. does that stop her from utterly obliterating everything in her path? nope, not at all, in fact, it only helps. her quick and arts card charge her buster np, which is a wave clear that RAINS crit stars, that only help her kill more later. conclusion: she’s an absolute goddess

JEANNE D’ARC (ruler): jeanne d’arc only really made it to this part of the list because you can get her really easily and she’s absolutely amazing on arts stall teams. as well and good as this is, though, she only really reaches her good points in her final ascension and is kind of hard to use before this. i wouldn’t suggest using her if you’re a starter player, heads up

B TIER:

OKITA SOUJI (saber): okita was placed lower on this list than i’d like her to be but because of her quick based status i kinda had to. there’s going to be a lot of this going on especially later in the list, but quick servants don’t see the light of day until skadi comes around, which is going to be mid 2020 for us na players unless fgo gets destroyed before then. the only servant that really got away with the quick niche was jack because she’s self sustaining if she needs to be, but okita’s deck doesn’t really let her do that. despite this, okita’s still amazing, and i highly suggest rolling for her

ARTORIA ARCHER (archer): summer artoria serves as an amazing arts archer that does wonders with her single target arts np that brings up her np gauge up almost immediately after it’s done, meaning you can spam her np whenever. she’s pretty great for arts team and not very versatile elsewhere, but you’re in for a treat when you use her

SCATHACH (lancer): OF COURSE scathach was going to be fairly high on this list, she’s one of the best lancers to date. her quick deck brought her down a bit here, but she’s a reliable servant that can fit into any team composition with little issue and has a powerful np. what else could you want

ARTORIA LANCER (lancer): honestly lartoria is high on the list for flexing and little else, but she serves as a powerful buster servant that has a pretty good wave clear np. the rest of the reason she’s up here is personal bias and i’m not scared to admit that, also she’s on a horse

TAMAMO LANCER (lancer): lanmamo is a kinda surprising servant tbh, she doubles in buster and quick and does amazing in both and has an especially high hp stat, something i wouldn’t expect from a quick/buster decked servant. honestly, you really can’t go wrong with summer servants tbh, they’re all really good

QUEEN MEDB (rider): i’m SICK of people shitting on medb. she’s fucking great. she’s a buster main that’s a crit star sponge and has a fairly good single target np. bring her into a caster boss battle and she will fuck the life out of the opponent, i guarantee it

TAMAMO NO MAE (caster): mikon is an amazing caster who sadly doesn’t really hold up to those in the higher tiers, but has skills that work great for any team and is practically the god of any arts stall team you ever might think of making. also she’s hot

LEONARDO DA VINCI (caster): da vinci doesn’t really hold up to tamamo, but i still think she deserves a spot in this tier. she has a pretty varied deck that can fit in with really any team and has a pretty powerful wave clear np. she’s a great caster, no doubt, but in a point in time when this game is practically dominated by merlin, she really doesn’t hold up as much as the others

CLEOPATRA (assassin): cleo is an exceptionally good buster based assassin with an anti army np which is really effective. she makes for a fairly good farming servant and can hold out for a while in boss battles as well

SAKATA KINTOKI (berserker): sakata has gotten strangely a bad rep from the fandom but is overhyped by the game, which is weird to me, but whatever. he’s probably the most powerful berserker atk wise, but can only really survive for three turns before dying no matter what you do. as far as servants go, he’s not as good as the game hypes him up to be and he’s not as bad as the fanbase makes him out to be.

AMAKUSA SHIROU (ruler): amakusa really only got up here because he’s one of the only four extra class five stars in the game right now, and as a servant he’s okay. he’d be a lot worse if he were a normal unit that had a class disadvantage that was common, but since he’s practically untouchable as a ruler he gets a spot up here

C TIER:

ARTORIA (saber): artoria has a rather bad reputation among tier lists because of her basic deck, basic np, shit skills … but her blandness only makes her increasingly compatible with other team setups. you can really stick her anywhere and she’ll do fine, and if she’s set up right she can become a really good servant. y’all are just lazy and mean

MORDRED (saber): mordred got kind of the same treatment as her dad but with more buster and slightly better skills, so if this tier list had a lot more specific tiers mordred would probably be above her. however, this isn’t, i’m too lazy for that. mordred is really just a slightly more atk based artoria

ARJUNA (archer): arjuna’s good, no doubt, but his competition out of the five star archer pool is hard to match up with. he’s definitely the best archer in the story mode gacha, but as an arts archer that can’t spam his np as artoria archer, he’s a bit dead in the water

ORION (archer): orion has the same problems as arjuna but with an added fuck you because of that extra quick card. if you have her i hope you have fun beating the absolute shit out of gawain

KARNA (lancer): karna’s an amazing buster servant, but the lancer pool is just really fucking good. he excels in buster but got that quick fuck you just like orion. i don’t really have much to say tbh, he’s good

ENKIDU (lancer): enkidu excels in quicks and didn’t pussy out like orion and karna, and if this were the non-merlin era he’d be higher on this list. sadly, since arts is dominating, he’ll have to wait a bit, but soon ...

FRANCIS DRAKE (rider): i really like francis, i do, but compared to the other riders she’s really just a farming servant. she can be a good main rider if you really want her to be but her np is almost made for farming. her np is the exact example of a farming np. next

ILLYA VON EINZBERN (caster): news flash but she’s not really as good as everyone hyped her up to be. she has a bit of a confusing deck (why does she have one buster card but a buster np!?!) and no clear niche so like … is her fame only because of that anime she’s in or what. chloe’s better

SHUTEN DOUJI (assassin): shuten has an arts based deck that doesn’t really fit her as an assassin and doesn’t have a very powerful np but otherwise is a good and reliable servant. She can just about survive anything and has been the cause of many of my clutches. thanks shuten

VLAD III (berserker): vlad excels in arts teams and is an amazing arts unit, but he would’ve shined if he was released later. because he was the first five star berserker released and non limited (unlike sakata) he defied a standard for berserkers before berserker standards were even set, and it didn’t come out well

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE (berserker): florence honestly would’ve been better if she wasn’t released at the same time as cu alter, who’s a goddamn beast, and if her concept wasn’t so mismatched. her deck and skillset is kinda weirdly put together and doesn’t flow as well as raikou’s. she’s wasted potential, really.

D TIER:

ALTERA (saber): honestly i think people hype up altera too much, she’s good but could easily be replaced by a four star imo. at her best she’s just an artoria remake sorry

NIKOLA TESLA (archer): his deck and skill set and np are fine? he just really doesn’t have a proper use. he fits into any team but in a way in which that team has to kinda carry him and he’s ugly. that’s all

MYSTERIOUS HEROINE X (assassin): mhx is a good assassin, especially since there are only a few you can really choose from, but she’s more of a trophy than anything. it’s cool to have her, and again, she’s fine, but she doesn’t really match up to the other assassins in the game, especially jack, who’s more easily accessible and self sufficient. also it doesn’t make sense why she’s an assassin if she’s a saber killer (just be an archer!!!!) but w/e

EDMOND DANTES (avenger): let me explain first. please. ok, so edmond is good by most standards, especially because he’s an extra class which means he’s basically untouchable by most everyone except for bb when she rears her ugly head in may. but what sucks about him is that he was released as sort of a avengers test before jalter? idk how to really explain it, but he’s significantly worse than jalter because they wanted to see how an avenger would hold up. not only does he not hold up to the only servant in his class by a long shot, he has the quick curse and looks exactly the fuck like komaeda. he really took that l

EX TIER:

RYOUJI SHIKI (saber): fgo seems to really like her but the fanbase seems to think she;s ok at best but i’ve never seen her ever in supports in my nine months of playing this game. does she even really exist? idk. her character desc says you’re likely to never see her and i’m starting to think that’s true

ISKANDER (rider): alright i KNOW you exist and everyone loves you but i’ve never seen you either. what the ufck. where are you

anyways that’s it this took way longer than it should’ve i’m going to bed

#fgo #fate grand order #long post #sorry mobile users :(

[strawberry-milktea]

i'm a tad confused-- with the way you worded some of your past asks, i want to ask, do you think someone could lose their salvation? some christians think that you can-- that if you willingly reject Jesus, you'll reject His gift. others say it can't. i'm confused-- and kind of afraid tbh. i know for a fact that i am a horribly weak person. the possibility of me not being strong enough to remain in Him is. terrifying

Hi there,The Word tells us that anyone who denies Christ will be denied before the Father:

“So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.” - Matthew 10:32-33

This means everyone who rejects Christ, including those who are apostates (those who once identified as Christians but come to the decision of rejecting Christ and their faith in Him). If someone comes to the conclusion one day that God isn’t real, Christ didn’t die on the cross for forgiveness of sin, etc and their heart permanently hardens to Him/they never seek forgiveness for straying in their faith from Him and never return to Him, then that counts as denying Christ before men. The conscious and permanent decision to deny Him with a hardened heart is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit or the unforgivable sin (1, 2). The reason it is unforgivable is because a person who is guilty of this has no desire to return to God and doesn’t want His forgiveness because they don’t care that they’ve rejected Him, feel no sense of conviction about it, and remain in this state forever without ever seeking God again. This is different from a person who has strayed away from their faith but is convicted at some point to return to Him and repents of this mistake. If that person seeks forgiveness in Jesus’ name, He will forgive them and take them back, as the parables of Luke 15 tell us. We also see this demonstrated when out of fear, Peter denied Christ. But scripture shows us that Peter grieved over this sin and didn’t remain in a place of denying His faith in Christ. When Christ appeared to the disciples after His resurrection, Peter expressed his love to Christ and scripture shows that Peter continued to carry out the Great Commission as a faithful follower of Christ. Getting back to the scenario of a person who truly and permanently makes the decision to reject Christ, there is often the question raised of whether that person lost their salvation or if they were ever saved to begin with. My understanding of this question is that a person who can make the decision to permanently harden his or her heart to Christ and reject Him was never saved or truly transformed by Him to begin with. The Word tells us that when a person truly accepts Christ, they become born again as a new creation, have been saved, and made spiritually alive by faith - all this made possible through His mercy and love. When a person is born again as this new creation and is spiritually born again, it’s not possible for that to be lost/undone. But the thing is, not everyone who identifies as a Christian is truly born again and spiritually alive. That’s why it can appear that someone who was once a Christian could make the decision to permanently reject Christ. When we see a person rejecting Christ or seemingly on the verge of losing their faith, it’s hard for us to tell in the moment if their heart is truly hardened permanently because only He can see the human heart in its entirety and knows all the events of a person’s life beforehand. That person might be in a period of straying away, but eventually come back to faith in Him - in which case, their heart wasn’t truly hardened. But in the scenario of a person who remains in a place of a permanently hardened heart that wants no part of Christ and they remain that way right to the last moment of their life, then that person was never truly a Christian and never had salvation to begin with - they were never actually born again and were never spiritually alive. Rather, they just wore the label of Christian for a portion of their life. This article explains this concept very well, you may be interested in reading it. But as followers of Christ, it isn’t our job to try figuring out if a person’s heart is permanently hardened versus temporarily straying away - because we really can’t figure that out. Only He knows that. And some of the most seemingly hopeless cases of people initially so dead set against accepting Christ have demonstrated His amazing ability to change hearts. So what is always our job to warn and reach out to someone who is wavering in their faith with hopes that He can use us to bring a person straying away back to Him. Regarding your concern, we all have weaknesses that come in different forms.. however, He can provide us with the strength necessary to fight them. Your weaknesses are no exception! A person who is on the verge of or already in the midst of committing the unforgivable sin and permanently rejecting Christ doesn’t experience any concern over the idea of not remaining in Him. We see that attitude demonstrated in the Pharisees Jesus had warned about the state of their hearts and the unforgivable sin when they hatefully accused the miracles Christ performed by the power of the Holy Spirit to be instead by the power of satan. So the fact that the idea of not remaining in Him is something that brings you distress is a good sign. That means you desire Him and don’t want to fall away from Him. And if that’s what you desire, that is something He is happy to provide you support and guidance with. You only need to ask Him for that help and accept it.I hope this helped to clear up your confusion, let me know if you still have any questions!

#God #asks #anon #salvation #salvation loss #blasphemy against the Holy Spirit #the unforgivable sin #sin #apostasy

[poppydaystories]

the secrets we keep close to our hearts

“What happened to us?”

The question hovers in the air, unanswered. Poppy’s afraid to touch it, let alone acknowledge it. She shifts on her butt, anxiously tearing some grass out from the ground. It’d taken them the whole summer to get here. To get to this very moment. It had been all Poppy had wanted, and now that it’s here, she’s afraid it’s another dream.

She lifts her head. Ellie’s staring at her, waiting. She wants an answer. She wants a list of reasons. She wants to be able to pick them all apart to ensure they won’t happen again. Poppy knows this, she knows that Ellie needs this, but still, she keeps her mouth shut.

“Real mature, Day. Real fucking mature.” Ellie pushes herself off the ground. She hovers for a moment, as if Poppy might suddenly beg. She can’t. Ellie nods once, sharp and defiant. “Alright, if that’s how you want it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you, because right now? You just started a war that may never end.”

 “Ellie,” Poppy whispers. But it’s too late. Ellie is already halfway across the park by the time Poppy can find her voice. She hugs her knees close to her chest now and rests her forehead on her knees. Nothing will make this okay. Nothing. But it’s for the best. It is. It has to be. Poppy needs to protect Ellie, and this is the only way she knows how. It had to be done.

A sob breaks out of her, startling some of the ducks down at the pond. Poppy doesn’t know what to do, but when she finally manages to stand up, she has a feeling that she can’t go back now. She made her decision, and if Ellie ever found out, well, Poppy’s sure she’d feel worse than she already does.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and Poppy reaches into her pocket to read the text message.

TOM: did you seriously use your savings to pay off ellie’s dad so he’d disappear???

POPPY: you didn’t see the bruises, tom. I did what I had to do. you can’t ever tell her.

TOM: so it’s better to think that he just took off?

POPPY: yes. yes it is. can you imagine what it would be like for her to learn that her father accepted the $5k to leave her without a second thought? 5k, tom. 5 fucking thousand bucks. I was willing to give him 20k. he took my first offer.

TOM: god this is a mess. TOM: you really don’t want her to know?

POPPY: no, I don’t. she deserves a better life, and with her dad out of it, she has a chance at that now.

TOM: I don’t know what to say...

POPPY: there’s nothing to say. she hates me now. you can’t breathe a word. she barely has a self-esteem rn, and I think learning how little she’s worth to her dad will shatter that completely. she means everything to me, tom.

TOM: alright, I won’t say a word. just lmk what you need from me.

POPPY: can you pick me up? I don’t think I can stop crying long enough to drive home

TOM: duck pond?

POPPY: yes.

Knowing that Tom would be on his way, Poppy lets herself collapse back onto the ground. She hugs her legs and watches the ducks swim around. She’d signed Ellie up for a Love Me Self-Esteem Workshop two weeks ago, and she’d made Ellie promise she’d go. Poppy can only cling to the hope that she will. Out of everyone on this earth, Ellie deserves to love herself as much as Poppy does.

x x x

“Dad?” Ellie asks, peering at the old man behind the grocery store counter. She tilts her head. God, she hadn’t seen him in...what? Nine, ten years? Maybe twelve. She thinks he left when she was seventeen. So. Twelve years.

Twelve years and suddenly, he’s right there in front of her. She’d flown into LA for a job interview and had decided to grab some whole foods instead of relying on the hotel restaurant. She always did hate to eat alone in public.

“Eloise?” He sounds so uncertain, so timid. Then he flushes with embarrassment. “I bet you’re not surprised to find your ol’ man working the till at a rundown grocery store. You look...you look great, El. Really grown up.”

She stares at him before lifting her basket up onto the counter. “How did you end up in LA?”

“It’s a long story. Could I tell you over dinner? I’m nearly nine years sober, y’know.”

Ellie blinks. Her dad is sober? What? All those years she begged him to quit drinking because it made him mean and abusive. And now...now he’s sober? She can’t trust him, but the teenage girl inside her aches to believe him. “I--uh, sure. I’m in town for an interview. It’s tomorrow at two o’clock. How about we meet at four?”

“I get done at six?”

“Six it is then. I’m staying at the Marriott down the road. Meet me at the hotel restaurant?” she asks, still unsure of him.

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

Ellie knows that his promises tend to become disappointments, but she nods once. She’d become better than this. Her self-worth no longer depended on what her daddy thought of her. In fact, this would be the perfect test to see if that holds true.

“Don’t worry - I’ll get this. Have yourself a good night, okay?”

She takes her bags. “Yeah, okay. Sure. I’ll...I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Ellie doesn’t look back, because she’s afraid that she’ll have made it all up. Her fingers grip the grocery bag tightly and when she gets into her hotel room, she presses her back to the door. How could he have been so close for all these years? Getting sober? Ellie didn’t buy it.

ELLIE: I just ran into my dad.

TOM: wait, what???? where???? I thought you were in LA.

ELLIE: I am. and apparently so is my dad. he said he’s been sober for nine years. we’re getting dinner tomorrow night before I fly out.

TOM: I’ve got the kids until 8pm my time, but do you want me to give you a call afer?

ELLIE: no, no. I’m okay. really. I just wanted to let you know. how’s vernon adapting to being a single foster parent?

TOM: tbh I think it’s making him reconsider our breakup. I hope so, anyway. just lmk if you need to talk, okay?

ELLIE: will do, dude. but by the looks of what you’ve been posting on fb, single parenthood suits you.

TOM: that’s the kids & I trying to get vernon back. they’ve been with us for two years. their our kids, y’know? ethan will be turning 18 in two weeks, and I really wanted to surprise him with adoption papers with vernon on his bday.

ELLIE: oh wow, that’s incredible! I’m so happy for you guys!

And she is. Really. But wow, how can she be jealous of a seventeen year old kid who has been dealt a crap hand in life? It’s just...Ethan had two dads who love him more than anything. They had broken up for some reason - one that no one is willing to share with her - and yet they still love him so much. What must that be like?

Meeting her father for dinner makes her anxious, but she’s not going to show it. She never shows her weaknesses anymore. Keeping a straight face, sitting very still, she skims the menu. Of course, she already knows what she wants. But the heavy silence between them is too much.

“Please, tell me how you’ve been?” her dad ventures, setting his menu down on the table. “How was college? Are you seeing anyone these days? How’s Penelope and the boys? What were their names... um...”

“Penelope,” Ellie repeats softly. She hadn’t thought about Poppy in a long time. Her betrayal had been heartbreaking enough. She tilts her head. “Why do you remember Poppy? She barely came around the house and I...I never talked about her.”

Her dad blinks. It’s the same deer-in-headlights expression that Tom had had five years ago when he’d mentioned Poppy’s name in her presence. They had had one agreement - her, Tom, and Vernon - and that was to never, ever mention Poppy. They could be friends with her, but they were to pretend she doesn’t exist around Ellie. The heartache that Poppy’s name brought to her hadn’t eased with time.

“You mean, she never told you?”

“Told me what?” Ellie’s gripping the menu tightly. When the waiter comes to their table, they sense that there’s tension right now and casually slip away. “Frank, tell me right now.”

Her dad sighs, staring at his water glass. Then he meets her eyes. “Honey, Poppy paid me five thousand dollars for me to go away when you were seventeen. I took it and flew to New Orleans. I burned through a big chunk of it quickly, and then I flew to Vegas, with the hopes of making it back. There was so much booze in Vegas - it was like an alcoholic’s dream come true.”

Ellie doesn’t relax. If possible, she tenses some more. Poppy paid her dad to leave her? How dare she play god with Ellie’s life?

“Then about six months later, I went back to her. She told me you two weren’t talking anymore, but that you were doing so much better. I tried to blackmail her into giving me more money. Instead, she sent me to rehab. I’ll admit I tried to run away a few times, but there she’d be, yelling at me to get back into the building.” Her dad shakes his head. “You really don’t know any of this?”

“No, now keep talking. And talk fast.” Ellie’s vibrating with too many emotions to name.

“Basically, for the first five years after I left, I burned through Penelope’s savings and college tuition. She didn’t care. She was there, every step of the way. Constantly yelling at me, but she never wavered. No matter how mean I’d get. She’d remind me that I had to get better to make up for...well, everything.”

“What happened after the first five years?” Ellie whispers, barely recognizing her own voice. Poppy did this?

“She got a job in New York. She took the opportunity, but called me once a week for the next few years or so. Now we’re down to six month check-ins - I send her half of every pay cheque.” Frank tilts his head. “Eloise, I’m so sorry for all I had done to you. I know that I can’t ever make up for it, but I swear, I’m clean and I’m doing alright. I’m just not where I’d like to be. I wanted to be in a better position before reaching out to you.”

“Where is Poppy now?” Ellie asks.

“Uh, last I heard she’d gone up to Toronto for another job opportunity.”

“Toronto? Poppy is in Canada?”

“I think so. I still have her email address if you want it--”

“I...I don’t know what to say, Frank. I really don’t.”

“That girl loves you a lot, Ellie. She always gets a real soft look when she talks about you. She never really let me know what was going on between you, but I figured that was just ‘cause she didn’t want you to know what she was up to. She told me that you were engaged, so I had assumed that y’all were talking again.”

Engaged? How would Poppy know that...oh god. Tom and Vernon know. They know what Poppy’s been doing for her for twelve years and they never told her.

“I need some time to process this.”

“Wait, please. Just share a drink with me at least?”

Ellie freezes.

“I mean coffee or tea. God, sorry. I didn’t mean...I haven’t had a sip in nine years, I swear. I’m almost at my ten year anniversary.”

“I guess I could stay for one coffee.”

x x x 

Poppy gets off the subway, grateful to be part of the rushing crowd who switches to Line 2 at Bloor. Line 2 is usually less packed than Line 1. She adjusts her headphones, listening to a podcast. Sword and Scale is in their fifteenth season, and the murder they’re discussing is particularly gruesome. But no one else needs to know that this is what she listens to for pleasure.

She winces at a very detailed part before taking a seat. She relaxes, despite knowing she’l be getting off soon. Poppy watches some people around her. There are a group of high school kids huddled together, laughing and shouting. There’s an older man sitting across from her, reading the newspaper that Poppy had read on her way to work this morning. She spots a really good looking couple sitting a few seats down the car - one has a large trans flag pin on their bag and the other person has a scarf made out of the bisexual colours.

Poppy smiles. She’s been living in Toronto for a while now, and she loves it. There’s so many interesting people to watch and make up stories about their lives. But most of all? Living in Toronto was really nice because the diversity was incredible. She went from a small white-ass town to a big city with people from everywhere.

None of her Canadian friends have the same religious beliefs - other than the other two atheists in her office - and one one of them was actually born outside of Canada. She was a refugee, and Poppy had told her how much she admired her strength.

She’s no longer one of two black people in a room like she had been growing up. She’s surrounded by culture and diversity.

The podcast ends just as she’s getting off the subway to walk to her house just off the Danforth. Poppy pulls out her phone and frowns when she sees a string of texts from Tom.

TOM: Poppy, I don’t know what happened but I think the secret’s out of the bag. TOM: Ellie knows. she ran into her father accidentally. he told her the whole story. I had no idea. TOM: she called me yelling & didn’t even let me explain TOM: I don’t know what she’s going to do... TOM: but she did not sound happy. TOM: is it bad that I feel a little relieved? I hated lying to her.

TOM: wait, that lest message was for vernon but...well, it’s true.

She stands on the corner of Pape and Danforth for what feels like years. Poppy reads the messages once more. Then again. And again. Swallowing, she calls Tom.

“Poppy!”

“This is so bad. So bad.”

“It’s been like twelve years since you two talked. I feel like it should’ve blown over now.”

“I was her lifeline, Tom. I was her rock. And she lost me when she lost her dad.” Poppy closes her eyes. “She knew I was keeping a secret from her, and she couldn’t handle it. And I couldn’t tell her.”

“I know. I know. But c’mon. Poppy, you could’ve told her by now.”

“It was too hard. I didn’t want to open that can of worms when she was doing so well.” Poppy starts walking towards her home now. “How did this even happen? This is so bizarre.”

Poppy listen s to Tom, and she has to stop on the sidewalk a few times to process what he’s saying. Then she reaches her house, and freezes. After a moment of Tom asking her if she’s still on the phone, Poppy murmurs. “I gotta go, Tommy Boy. Ellie is on my porch stairs.”

“What?!” Tom yells.

“Love you,” Poppy says, on autopilot. She hangs up without waiting to hear his response. “Ellie.”

“Poppy. How could you?”

“I just...”

“I--I need to understand. Please.”

“C’mon in. We’ll talk.” Poppy passes her on the stairs to unlock her front door. “So you flew up?”

“Yeah. I had to reschedule my second interview.”

“What? This could’ve waited. Why would you risk a job opportunity like this?” Poppy asks. She kicks off her shoes and flicks on her kitchen light. Ellie drops her stuff in the front hallway before joining Poppy in the kitchen. “Ellie--Eloise, I just--what was the job for?”

“To become partner at a law firm.”

“So you really did it, huh? The boys told me but it’s nice to know they weren’t lying. That’s awesome - good for you.” Poppy fills the kettle with water and puts it onto the stove. Ellie had always drank tea, and Poppy hopes that hasn’t changed.

Ellie sighs. “Okay, look, let’s cut all the small talk bull shit. Why did you do it?”

Poppy shrugs. “I did what I thought needed to be done.”

“But my d--Frank, Frank said that you kept at it for five years before you had to move and that you still talk?”

“Ellie,” Poppy says, feeling more at ease now. Time had been kind to her in that sense - she felt more comfortable taking charge of a conversation. “You were always the girl who needed her dad to be a hero, but your dad wasn’t. So I thought...”

“You thought you could make him into a hero.”

“I was young when it started. I had no real concept of how much work and energy it is dealing with addiction. By the time I realized what I had committed myself, it was too late. You couldn’t have torn me from your dad’s side if the whole world depended on it. He was there for me when my mom died. He was there for me when my father shut down and then took off without a word. I didn’t mean to depend on him, but I had to.” Poppy is grateful when the kettle whistles. She gets up from the table and busies herself with getting mugs and teabags.

“I’m sorry to hear about your mom. She was pretty nice,” Ellie says, her voice soft. “And your dad just vanished?”

“Yep. Didn’t take his cell phone or wallet with him. One day, he stopped answering the phone and a week later, I flew down to find the house empty. Well, not empty. Everything was still exactly in it’s place. There was no note. No sign of anything out of the ordinary. He didn’t even made the bed or clean up the beer bottles. He was just gone.” Poppy sets the mug in front of Ellie before she sits down. “I had to legally declare him dead so I could take over the mortgage and stuff. I rent it out now.”

“Wow. I’m so sorry.”

Poppy shrugs. “Don’t be. I’ve had time to deal with it. So. Now you know. I never wanted to hurt you, Ellie. I just didn’t think at the time you could handle knowing what I had done.”

Ellie meets her eyes, her fingers curling around the mug. “I don’t think I could’ve back then. But I mean, time passed on, why didn’t you reach out to me?”

“I made a deal with Frank. Once he felt like he was good enough to reach out to you, then I had to. But I said I wouldn’t before then. It wouldn’t have seemed fair, y’know? To tell you what I had done, have been doing, and then telling you that you couldn’t talk to Frank because he wasn’t ready.”

“Wow. God, this is so much to take in.”

“I know. If you want to process it alone, that’s fine. I don’t know if you have a hotel room or not, but I have a guest bedroom that you’re more than welcome to stay in.”

“That would be nice...I didn’t really think that far ahead. I just went to the airport and bought a ticket for the next flight. I had to run through the airport. It was very dramatic.” Ellie smiles now. “And then I spent the entire plane ride freaking out and trying to understand everything. And then I realized that I had no idea how to get from the airport to your place so I grabbed a $60 Uber ride.”

“Frank give you my address?”

“Yeah. He said that he sends you Christmas presents and that you always mail him stuff throughout the year.”

“He’s kind of a penpal in that way,” Poppy tells her, with a fond smile crossing her lips. “So. I only know what you’ve been up to through Tom and Vern. Why don’t you catch me up on your life in your own words?”

“Sure, but first, can we talk about what the hell happened with Tom and Vernon?” Ellie asks.

Poppy’s shoulders relax for the first time since reading Tom’s text messages. God, she’d been dying to talk to someone about this. Her new Canadian friends didn’t really understand - they hadn’t met Tom or Vernon before, so all the drama meant nothing to them. Poppy could’ve reached out to Jane, but Jane had kind of faded from the group after college. Vernon is the only person who still talks to her occasionally.

“I can’t believe after all the crap they went through with Vernon’s mom and the whole thing with his siter and getting approved for foster care that they split.” Poppy shakes her head in disbelief. “And over a fucking book, no less.”

“It’s the stupidest fucking thing ever. I tried to tell Vernon to get his head out of his ass, because those kids mean the world to them both, and they shouldn’t be giving those kids any more instability,” Ellie says, waving her hands in the air.

Poppy laughs, because it’s so easy to fall into old habits. “They’re ridiculous. I’m pretty sure Vernon is going to freak when he discovers that book was part of Tom’s proposal plan.”

“He’s going to propose?!”

“Well, he was. Two months ago. But then Vernon stormed out and said he needed time to cool off.” Poppy frowns. “I think he’s worried about becoming his mom.”

“He’s a moron. He’ll never be like his mom.”

“I know. But you try telling that to him. He’s stubborn as a mule.”

“No kidding,” Ellie says, with lightness in her voice. They fall silent for a moment, before Ellie meets Poppy’s eyes. “Thanks, Poppy. For everything you did for me. I don’t think anyone has ever loved me that much before.”

“I know it’s like, twelve years too late, but uh. I just--Ellie, I would do anything for you. You meant everything to me.” Poppy hesitates before she adds, softly, “You still do. How I felt about you never changed. Not once.”

Ellie nods, as though she understands the weight behind Poppy’s words. Then she reaches out and puts her hand on Poppy’s. “I’m sorry that I doubted you.”

“It’s okay. It’s not too late. Why don’t you go settle in the guest room, maybe take a nap? It’s been a long week for you, I’m sure. When you wake up, I’ll have your favourite pancakes and bacon.”

The smile on Ellie’s face is worth everything to Poppy. “Breakfast for dinner is my favourite. Thank you, Poppy. Truly.”

“Go, go, get some rest.”

When Poppy’s alone, she goes over to the calendar hanging on her fridge. She runs her finger over today’s date.

Tomorrow will officially be three months since she’s been diagnosed with stage four cancer. Soon she’ll leave this earth, but at least she had the chance to make things right with Ellie first. She closes her eyes, adjusting her wig, and starts to make breakfast.

See, the thing is that the doctors didn’t realize the cancer was in stage four. They had misdiagnosed it as stage two. They had thought they could fight it. So Poppy had been going in and out of the hospital for chemo and radiation treatments. Then they learned that it was stage four. It had spread to different parts of her body.

Soon, she’ll be too weak to do anything but accept it.

But that’s tomorrow’s worries. Tonight, she’s just going to enjoy her company and thank the universe for giving her this chance to be with the love of her life once more.

x x x 

© e. days. may 2017.

#poppy day #poppy day updates #c poppy #c ellie #c tom #c vernon #bittersweet #poppy day fic