#and then Lloyd was like ‘ugh stop being so selfish’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vortexbeyondthestars · 3 years

Text

decided to post some of my ideas for a ninjago/atla au besties. tell me whatcha think

under read more cus its kinda long lmao

some background first…

here, the first spinjitzu master is smth that doesn’t actually exist in avatar bc i couldn’t for the life of me figure out what to make him so now he’s like… he’s basically the child of all the original benders: the badgermoles, the sky bison, the dragons, and the moon spirit combined. he was born of their powers, and he was the first avatar, kinda like this au’s version of raava i guess?? so this au’s version of vaatu is the overlord, and like in ninjago, they have this never-ending rivalry. and the overlord is an avatar, too, but more of a dark one. it only cares about corruption and evil.

the first bending master, as he’s called in this au, manages to banish the overlord into the spirit realm, but he knew that one day, it would return. so he creates a land called ninjago and fills it with people of all kinds, each corner of the world having one type of bending. he gave the humans bending, but only one type for each person.

he didn’t want a repeat of the overlord.

so then he has two sons: wu and garmadon. he hemmed and hawed over what elements to give to them, but eventually he chose. wu gets airbending, the element of life and serene and calm. garmadon gets firebending, rough and harsh and the element of destruction. his fire is violet and incredibly hot.

everything goes fine, and the first bending master manages to keep balance of the world as its avatar. except the overlord does indeed return.

garmadon gets corrupted by its spirit and is bitten by the great devourer. he becomes obsessed with power and wanted to be the avatar more than anything in life. he believes that his father was holding his powers back because he didn’t trust him. and he believes that his father was going to hand over his power to wu after he died. and he couldn’t have that.

wu notices his downward spiral and suggests that he take a trip to visit the mortals. maybe that would help him realize that there is reason for their father being the only avatar in the world.

so garmadon goes down into the mortal plane. and meets fire lord chen and his second in command clouse.

fire lord chen is quite interested in an old legend of what is called the serpentine: ancient tribes of snake people said to have been born from the hatred and despair of the overlord, led by the toughest and the greatest, the great devourer. chen wants to bring these serpentine back, and at first garmadon agrees to help him, if only to get revenge on his father.

but he snaps out of it, because he realizes that its the great devourer’s fault in the first place that he’s like this. he betrays chen and clouse and warns wu of their plan, but without telling him whose plan it is. together, the brothers manage to gather together an alliance of the greatest bending masters in the world. garmadon wants their father to help, but wu gives some unfortunate news.

the first bending master is near his deathbed. he is very, very ill, and he is thousands of years old at this point. he wants rest.

so, naturally, garmadon is conflicted about this. he’s ecstatic bc he thinks that he can gain the powers of the avatar once his father passes, but also he’s sad, because, well, thats still his dad after all.

but anyway, the bending alliance manages to defeat the serpentine and seal them away in the spirit realm, like the first bending master had done to the overlord. this… turns out to be a bad idea.

fire lord chen and clouse both manage to shift the blame away from them, and since garmy was the only one who knew they caused the plan, he lets it happen. because he still is a bit evil.

something happens that gives him hope, though: he meets misako, who might be the love of his life. (also in this au that weird love triangle shit don’t happen) they get married, and for a while, garmadon seems perfectly sane. but.

the first bending master dies.

lloyd is born almost right after.

no one makes the connection, though, thankfully, but it is enough for garmadon to lose whatever sanity he had left. he completely goes insane.

he races back to their family monastery believing that he can and will gain the powers of the avatar, somehow, but he doesn’t. and that is too much for him to take. all of this… all of this… waiting… for nothing?

garmadon stares at himself in the mirror. he looks down at his hand, at the bite mark blemishing his skin, and grabs a ceremonial knife. he laughs to himself and places his hand on the mirror, slowly raising his knife towards it… he thinks he can stop all this pain in one easy swoop.

garmadon, sneering at himself: maybe… maybe this will fix it… if i just cut off the damn thing…

first bending master, in the mirror: i would not recommend it, son.

garmadon, face falling: why are you here?

first bending master: i came to speak with you. and to try and help you.

garmadon, snarling: don’t pretend like you care about me! i know what you really think. you think i’m a monster.

first bending master: i think you’re conflicted. the part of you that wants to be the avatar so badly you are willing to kill for it… that part of you clashes with the real you. the one that wants everyone you care about to be safe. your brother, your friends, your wife… your son.

garmadon: *laughs and turns around* why should i care about them, father? they don’t care about me! not my brother, not my wife, not my so-called friends, and certainly not you! the only one who does care about me is my son, and thats only because he doesn’t know any better. he’ll leave one day too.

first bending master, solemnly: you are wrong. i do care about you. i always did. i love you, garmadon. i do.

garmadon shakes, his hand gripping the knife tighter. his mouths trembles, and eventually turns into a scowl. he whirls around to face the mirror and slams his knife into it, shattering it into pieces.

he gets worse from there on. he begins to attack people left and right, villages and cities, even going so far as to consider breaking the serpentine free. he doesn’t get that far, though, because his brother interrupts him.

wu is very concerned, bc, well, garmy was a bit weird but never straight up insane like he is now. so he heads over to his family’s old monastery. there, he finds garmadon, seething and stewing. garmadon doesn’t take his arrival well.

garmadon: ugh! for once, can’t you just leave me alone?!

wu: no, i cannot. this isn’t you, brother! you must snap out of it!

garmadon: this is me! this has been me for my entire life, wu! i can’t change it now, and i can’t even be the avatar. what’s the point?

wu: the point is that father trusted us to take care of ninjago once he passed on. we have a duty.

garmadon: father was a fool, and father was selfish! i am remaking the world in my own image, an image that won’t let anyone have the kind of power that he did, except for those who are worthy!

wu: that’s crazy! you can’t just pick and choose who gets to be the most powerful bender in the world!

garmadon: isn’t that what father did, though, when he died? who is the new avatar, wu?! tell me!!

wu: i don’t know. and neither will you, if you keep this up.

garmadon: *laughs* are you threatening me?

wu: i am.

garmadon: fine. you want to take control of ninjago over me? fine. fine. fine. i challenge you to an agni kai! the battle that was always meant to be.

wu: very well.

garmadon: for the record… i’m sorry it had to end this way, brother.

wu, sadly: no. you aren’t.

cue final agni kai type fight, light vs darkness. fire vs air. obviously, wu wins, and manages to chain garmadon up so he can’t attack anymore. garmadon then has a complete psychotic breakdown like azula, complete with the spitting fire and sobbing hysterically while wu watches sadly.

wu banishes garmadon to the spirit realm, because he doesn’t think there’s anything else he can do.

ninjago is saved.

or so he thinks.

see, chen and clouse are still around. as are the serpentine, biding their time in the spirit realm. they meet garmy and decide that they should work together. garmadon, so torn up by hatred and despair, agrees to help them, if he gets to destroy his brother.

meanwhile, everything is going good.

lloyd is the avatar, obviously, but he’s only like. thirteen when he finds out. he’s an airbender avatar and lived with koko (bc its my au and i get to pick the mom i use) in one of the air temples (idk which one tho). he’s raised believing that he’s just a random kid who happens to serve the avatar, kinda like kyoshi.

that avatar he believes he serves is none other than morro, the adopted son of airbender sage wu. morro is four years older than lloyd, and he was just revealed to be the airbending avatar. morro, of course, is thrilled. but he also gets an incredibly big ego over it, believing that he is better than other people bc he is the avatar. the reason he was thought to be the avatar was because he appeared to waterbend at one point, but it is later revealed to have been simple airbending that pushed the water.

but morro doesn’t realize or know this until its too late. and when he does… its a shitshow.

basically, lloyd and morro are sent to meet with fire lord chen and his daughter skylor, along with wu, koko, and some of the other air sages. skylor is a chi blocker, an incredibly talented one who has mastered all of the different bending fighting styles even tho she herself is a nonbender.

ok so clouse is obviously there. he recognizes lloyd via koko and is fucking pissed. he’s like my ex-boyfriend rival’s son is here?? what the hell?? so he keeps a close on eye on lloyd bc he doesn’t like him. morro, meanwhile, is treated like a king at the palace bc chen wants to get into the avatar’s good graces.

and uh. well, as it turns out, morro isn’t the avatar…

they’re attacked by the serpentine, bitter at the bending masters for having locked them underground. morro is excellent at fighting, but lloyd has more adrenaline.

and lloyd firebends.

cue shock and horror and anger from all sides.

wu is the most horrified of all. the son of his brother… the man he banished… is the avatar?

so yeah thats the background AT LEAST. i dont really know what happens after that but lloyd runs away or something. i will write more i promise!!!

27 notes · View notes

aweebwrites · 5 years

Text

Memories

The Monastery was silent in the dead of night, every soul sound asleep. In the ninja's room, Zane was sleeping soundly on his back, Kai close by on his own bed, fast asleep with his arm hanging over the edge. Cole was sleeping on his side without sheets to the far corner of his bed while Jay slept curled up around his pillow, cuddling it. Nya was asleep on her stomach as Lloyd twitched and moved as he always did when he slept. Further down the hall in the small room, their Sensei slept.

Or at least he tried to.

He gave up with a sigh, opening his eyes. Too much was on his mind. Too much for Chamomile tea to handle. He sat up slowly, looking across the room at his door. Faint laughter filled his and he squeezed his eyes shut. Too many memories. This Monastery was filled with too many painful memories. He slipped out of bed, pushing his feet into his bed slippers then walked towards the door.

'Brother!' A small voice whispered outside the door. 'Brother! Are you awake?'

Wu opened the door, already seeing the young, dark haired boy at the other side so perfectly well.

'I am. What is it?' He had answered, looking to his brother, looking to Garmadon curiously.

'Father said we should practice more with our new swords! Let's go!' Garmadon had said eagerly.

'They're called Katanas brother. But alright!' He had eagerly followed behind his brother, both of them running outside.

Wu walked along the hallway, the memories stabbing his heart painfully. He remembered those days. When destiny had no hold of them. When they were free. When… He lowered his head.

When they were family.

He stopped by the ninja's partially opened door, peering in to check on then. All fast asleep. Good for them. He continued on through the hall, walking through the living space and Wu slid open the doors to the training yard. He has so many memories of here.

'Ha! Ugh! That all you've got brother?' He had taunted, grinning at his older brother who smirked.

'No! I have this!' Garmadon yelled, twisting his sword and swatting it away, over the wall of the Monastery as their father sat, mediating. 'Go get it, before father realises.' He had told him but neither of them had been outside of the walls alone before.

He wasn't willing to risk it. Hadn't wanted to anger their father. To this very day, he wished he had, wished he had the courage to go over that wall. Then things woupd have been different. His brother... He wouldn't have had to go through all he has.

'Never put off for tomorrow what can be done today.' His brother had said, wprds he took to heart, words that he let guid him through the motions of his life since.

Or at least, he tried to let them.

He had watched his brother climb the wall for him to fetch his katana, to forever take the fault of his mistake. He had known something was wrong when he hadn't come immediately back, had been afraid to tell his father. Hours passed as he just stood there anxiously. When their father noticed, he all but yelled that he was over the wall, apologizing profusely, even as his father rushed out, finding his brother collapsed on the outside and bitten by the Great Devourer. Watching their father try to contain him, hearing him blame him like he should…

Wu took a shaky breath.

It was the first of many critical mistakes he's made ovwr his years. He walked out into the night, remembering Morro and how he adopted and raised him. He should have chose his words wisely, should have never made him believe he would be the one, the Green Ninja. He had been so sure. He never considered that Morro wouldn't be. And when the weapons revealed he wasn't…

'I refuse to listen! I am the Green Ninja! You made me believe!'

He squeezed his eyes shut against Morro's angry face before he looked up at the clear night sky with a soft sigh. Maybe he could have done things differently. Tried harder to make him stay. Tried harder to help him see reason.

He once called him his biggest regret… But his biggest regret was how he raised him. He never did have the chance to apologise. He lowered his head. He never truly does.

'Garmadon. Do not do this!'

Wu looked over his shoulder, seeing that scene again, him on his back, Garmadon holding the sword of fire up to strike him, just before the protective spell embedded in his robe struck his brother and sent him falling to the Underworld, leaving him without his brother. For the longest time, he was so lost. They lost their father and now… He lost his brother. But it was his own fault. And he kept losing his brother. Again…

Garmadon turned his back, walking through the vortex that would set him free from the underworld.

And again…

Garmadon vanishing with the golden weapons.

And again…

Garmadon being possessed by the Overlord.

And again…

Lloyd defeating the Overlord- and in extension, his brother.

And again…

Watching as he fell into the Endless Sea while his mind was under the Overlord's control.

And again…

Watch him sacrifice himself for Ninjago, thinking he wasn't good enough, after everything he had said to his brother. He hadn't found his voice to tell him he had always been good enough.

And again…

Watching the Preeminent die in the ocean, knowing fully well that his brother had been inside.

And of course, again.

Watching his brother walk away from their home, looking, acting nothing like the brother he knew but still his brother all the same.

He knew it was life. There are things that you can have, but can't keep after all. Garmadon, his brother was it. He stood in the middle of the training yard, looking up at the night sky. He tries. Honestly he does. He had the ninja to look out for, his nephew. His nephew he knew he did wrong against the moment he knew of his existence. He knew Misako planned to try and stop the finally battle by going out to research, knew she was going to drop him off as Darkly's but did nothing. He couldn't bring himself to. Not after what happened with Morro. He was being selfish. He should have done something. Just as he eagerly took the ninja, he should have taken Lloyd. But he hadn't.

The ninja. He knew without a doubt he wasn't any of their favorites. If he was even amongst their group of liked people. He was hard on them, hid things from them. He convinced himself that it was for their own good but… He sighed. Some of it wasn't. Some of it was just him running from his past. Like Morro. He hadn't wanted to remember, the memories too painful, the disappointment, the anger he felt towards himself too great. Had he been different, done things differently… Maybe he could have been alive right now. If he had done things differently, his brother would have been the one to live a peaceful life, be a far better Sensei than he has been.

But he hadn't… He makes wrong mistakes at every turn. He had no choice. He had to learn from them, for the sake of the ninja. For the sake of himself. He walked over to the training equipment left out, leaning his tired back against the closest one.

He has to…

______________

"That's weird. Sensei Wu usually tells us when he has to go out." Lloyd says as they walked out in their swimsuits, ready to hit the pool.

"Maybe he went to get more tea." Nya shrugged.

"Or a nap." Cole grinned and they looked at him confused then looked to the training equipment Cole gestured to.

There, their Sensei was fast asleep, seated on the training piece with his back against it, snoring lightly.

"Heh. Poor guy tuckered himself out." Jay says as Cole walked over and picked the old man up.

"I'll take him to bed. You guys head there without me." Cole says and they split ways after nodding.

"I wonder what brought him to stray so far from his bed?" Zane says curiously.

"Who knows. This is Sensei were talking about." Jay shrugged then grinned. "Now let's go hop in the pool!" He yelled at they cheered, taking off into a run.

________________________

(I know this isn't War on Dragons. It's still being beta read since it's a long ass fic. They're almost done though so until then, have this ficlet of Wu I wrote half asleep in the very early morning. Wu... I have no idea what to feel about him. One hand there's sympathy and the other there's rage. I'll stick to the very tiny neutral zone between those two. I hope it wasn't too crappy since it hasn't been beta read!)

38 notes · View notes

shtbgs-blog · 6 years

Text

hello it’s me tea being a bad admin and not writing the first event. Instead i’m doing this and i’d make a pretty graphic but i hate my big computer right now so a nice graphic might come later bye, this also got insanely long and if you guys actually read it k u d o s

INTRODUCING…. me.

HELLO DREAMS N QUEENS, I feel like I haven’t said that in a while but anyway I’m tea, i’m 23, my pronouns are she/her, and I already forgot what else I’m suppose to write here like i’m in the est timezone but i act like i’m in the pst for some reason????? also I do not personally have any triggers and I have no limits on what i rp like I’m always down for literally any plot even if it’s been done to death it hasn’t been done by my character so lets go.

INTRODUCING…. the muses.

ugh are you ready for the shit show..... im gonna shoot myself in the face i have so many

DON O’CALLAHAN, justin chatwin, ( 30 ) + ALONE by HALSEY feat. BIG SEAN & STEFFLON DON.

IMOGEN WARD, madelaine petsch, ( 22 ) + REPERCUSSIONS by BEA MILLER.

JAMES WILLIAMS, milo ventimiglia, ( 35 ) + iROBOT by JON BELLION.

MILO SHEPARD, nick jonas, ( 24 ) + ALL THE KIDS ARE DEPRESSED by JEREMY ZUCKER.

OPHELIA MONROE, billie lourd, ( 25 ) + THUNDER by IMAGINE DRAGONS.

SHANE FRANCIS, carlson young, ( 22 ) + BETTER DAYS by HEDLEY.

WESLEY LLOYD, aaron taylor johnson, ( 25 ) + I’M NOT FAMOUS by AJR.

NIRVANA BAILEY, meaghan rath, ( 32 ) + TROUBLE by HALSEY.

ETHAN MCDONALD, dylan o’brien, ( 24 ) + I FALL APART by POST MALONE ( cover ).

VANCE MICHAELS, cody christian, ( 20 ) + I MEAN IT by G-EAZY.

BRUCE DENIRO, boyd holbrook, ( 35 ) + SUCKER FOR PAIN by LIL WAYNE, WIZ KHALIFA & IMAGINE DRAGONS W/ TY DOLLA $IGN FT X AMBASSADORS.

COOPER JORDAN, charlie puth, ( 24 ) + ME MYSELF & I by G-EAZY FEAT. BEBE REXHA

MICKEY DONOVAN, tony oller, ( 24 ) + SOBER UP by AJR.

JESSICA MILANO, mila kunis, ( 35 ) + SO WHAT by P!NK.

TANSY MALAI, brenda song, ( 30 ) + DON'T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME by PANIC! AT THE DISCO.

INTRODUCING…. wanted plots.

Okay I am obsessed with platonic / supporting friends ships like? oh my fucking god? give me a good gang and I will legit die? especially if it’s like a brot3 or something like three solid amazing friends and like the more people connected the better im OBSESSED with name dropping.

Also I’m a bitch for cheating / toxic relationships. Give me physical fights and sleeping with other people. Give Me Fucking Angst. Let my muse be the cheater or let my muse be the one cheated on listen I’m down for legit all of it but when I do the specific muse posts I’ll sort of narrow this down a lot more but these are my two favorite kinds of ships which can technically go below but fight me.

INTRODUCING…. the favorites.

I will say this until I’m blue in the face, I am disgustingly straight for ( 4 ) men in this world. Okay there are a lot more than just four but I do have a top four because I’m a basic bitch but I love ansel elgort, taron egerton, danny jones & hugh grant. those are my main boys but if I made a legit list it’d probably go on for years. honorable mention who is my solid #5 is definitely keith powers. I am OBSESSED with this mans.

Want to talk about how gay I am? WOULD LOVE TO. I am a complete ( slut ) for vanessa morgan, kehlani, zendaya, zoe kravitz, ashley tisdae, lucy hale, lynn gunn, hayley kiyoko, nicole byer, bae suzy, keke palmer and ulrikke falch bitch MURDER ME.

as for ships like i’m down for anything m/f m/m f/f like I do lean mostly towards m/f and i do often prefer playing the male which is another favorite of mine like this rpg is the most i’ve ever played females and it’s legit so fucking weird to me??? i get so nervous talking about ships and stuff when it comes to my females because it’s so far out of my domain / comfort zone so murder me violently.

I tend to lean more toward platonic / supportive / family ships tho because I feel like I’m not stepping on anyones toES LMFAO OKAY I SHOULD STOP RAMBLING NOW BECAUSE IM EXTRA AS HELL

but also my favorite sweatshirt is the one i’m wearing and it says ‘i’m like 104% tired’ and my favorite pants are black boho pants with white swirls and just big and comfy ok

INTRODUCING…. future plans.

I AM HERE TO BREAK THE FUCK OUT OF MY COMFORTZONE I HATE IT IN HERE LIKE I am so used to playing dom!male characters and like don’t get me wrong, i fucking love my boys, i love them so god damn much but I want to have some girls who get love too like I want to play sub!boys and soft!girls and hard!girls and GIRLS! IN! GENERAL! like i sound so fucking basic but when I tell you guys it’s been about 10 years since I actually dedicated time to fleshing out a female character I mean it’s been about 11.

Also I really want to play out some slowburn relationships, some active marriages, some really fucked up exes and really confusing best friends like those are my favorites but I always get so fucking busy or so spacey that I wind up going missing for long periods of time and like? I’m here to stay? Like I feel comfy as fuck in this rpg and I am here to actively get past one or two threads for my connections / ships I’m here for longlasting relationships / rping okay????

AS FOR THE FUTURE, I do have two muses who are sitting in the submit waiting to be accepted? Like which is wild because while they’ve been sat there I’ve accepted myself twice? I don’t know why I’m holding off I guess I just feel guilty bringing in two girls without any sort of connection or anything???? Like I can not wait to bring Lennon up in here because my lil blue haired queen is going to burn this motherfucker down :’)

INTRODUCING…. why i said fuck it.

I SAID FUCK IT because do we wanna be honest? I had been running a rpg that was just draining the life out of me I felt like I was being a bad admin and not doing enough and I just wanted a group where I didn’t have to do so much y’know like, I wanted to just rp in a place where I could do whatever in the living fuck I wanted?? Like I wanted 50 muses, I want to sometimes just make graphics, I want to sometimes just chitchat ooc in private messages or just lurk the dash or just write starters / reply to them like

some days i’m here as fuck for writing and sometimes i’m not and I felt like no matter what rpg I ran or joined I’d be like put on a specific schedule and people will leave me in the dust???? you know????? but I feel like here we’re all just sort of chillin and tryin to live our best lives and I feel like this is my own personal and selfish safe haven like

i’m selfish as fuck and lazy as fuck and here as fuck for all of you :’)

#fckit:task001 #⁰⁰⁰ˑ ᶤˢ ˢʰᵉ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵗᵃˡᵏᶤᶰᵍ ᵃᵍᵃᶤᶰˀ ( ooc. )#WOW THIS GOT FUCKING L O N G #I FUCKING RAMBLED SO HARD FAM #i really only wanted this task so i could stalk you guys so #it's casual

3 notes · View notes

theworstbob · 7 years

Text

yellin’ at songs: 4.1.2017, 3.31.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

3.31.2007

42) "With Love," Hilary Duff

This was thoroughly unpleasant. Hold up, before I check Wikipedia, I'ma guess Kara DioGuardi was in on this one? I think I've listened to enough 2007 at this point that I can recognize Kara DioGuardi's trademark blechery in here. /checks the credits/ OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY IS SHE SO TRASH. Kara DioGuardi has written plenty of bad songs, including the two most disappointing songs I've heard as part of this project. She's given a credit on "Be Good to Me," which you'll recall was a travesty, and she's given a credit here, on this bad imitation of a Timbaland song. I won't do a Worst 10 or anything like that, because why would I think about things I don't like any longer than I have to, but I guarantee, there’d be multiple Kara DioGuardi joints on a Worst 10. I'm not going to look at her Wikipedia page, for the same reason other people find it difficult to watch Hannibal, but also to keep life full of surprises.

68) "Survivalism," Nine Inch Nails

a fun thing about listening to political songs from 2007 is how quaint they seem now. remember when the problems we have today were still problems but like 1% as bad as they are now? say what you will about dubya, he never flew into a rage on a saturday morning and accused bill clinton of wiretapping the texas rangers. there was some shit being pulled in 2007, like f’rinstance remember that one time the president suspended habeas corpus for undocumented immigrants? that was pretty unchill. but at least he wasn't gleefully racist. at least he didn't propose we spend billions of dollars to build a monument to racism.

76) "Get It Shawty," Lloyd

I didn't hate this! This song is incredibly 2007, but it's 2007 in a way that's somewhat timeless, if that makes any sense. Like, in 2014, I wrote about Nico & Vinz's "Am I Wrong?" that, yeah, there's a few things in there that will mark it as being from 2014, but if you wrote this song in any era, it could have blended in with that era's trends and styles with aplomb, and we would have loved it all the same. There's a lot here that's very 2007, but at its core, this song is kind of perfect, could have been released today and sound like a hit from today and still occupy the same space in my heart. It's like "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)," or Amerie's "One Thing," just a solid song which'll make you go "Oh yeah! This! I loved this!" when it comes on.

90) "You Know I'm No Good," Amy Winehouse ft./Ghostface Killah 91) "Rehab," Amy Winehouse

It is uncouth to speak ill of the dead. It is also uncouth to write that sentence in this context, prolly, but let us be known for what we are. I hope she's doing better. (That bass on "You Know I'm No Good," tho.)

94) "Beautiful Liar," Beyonce & Shakira

Listen, team, we need to talk about restraint for a second, because there are a thousand ways this project could have gone wrong. You get two superstars on the track together, there's absolutely the risk of putting something completely overcooked on the market, some showy vocal battle, but everything here is so understated. The Middle Eastern-y sound could have been laid on too thick, but it's doled out in this tiny, almost imperceptible dose, and that sets the tone for the rest of the track. No one belts anything, because it's understood that there's nothing to belt about, just a dumb boy that isn't worth the effort, and Beyonce and Shakira are compelling singers who don't NEED to be belting all the time to get the point across. This is such a fascinating song! You would expect a song from two titans to attempt to set fire to the world, but this merely simmers, doesn't even boil, just simmers, and it's an agreeable choice.

96) "Like This," Kelly Rowland ft./Eve

The synth track on this song kind of, kind of sounds like the main menu theme of Yoshi's Island, at least sounds close enough to Yoshi's Island that I can completely fuck with this, even if I think the drum track is kind of illogical. (Bob! you should be making jokes, what is this music criticism thing.) UGH FINE oh wow kelly rowland follow beyonce much. you know how like you two used to be in destiny's child but beyonce had a much more successful solo career. hey where's the michelle williams one. um, michelle williams much? that's a person also who was in destiny's child as well, also. she's very less successful! how about that! having fun living a full life and hopefully retiring early after having made smart investments with the money you made from your time in a popular music group? what a putz!

2007 Top 20 In Progress, Except Not Really, Because 2007 Is Kinda Over if You Haven’t Noticed? But I’m Still Ranking These Songs as I Go Because I Don’t Know What Else to Do. 20) "Outside Looking In," by Jordan Pruitt (2.24.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) Jordan Pruitt, hanging on for one more week! Can she keep the miracle run near the bottom of the chart going? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH I ENJOY “WHO KNEW.”

4.1.2017

14) "No Frauds," by Nicki Minaj, Drake, & Lil Wayne

This was a very boring song, most of which concerns a topic in which I'm not particularly invested? Like I guess it's kind of interesting to drop a diss track where you sound completely disinterested in the beef, the response is perfunctory and you're only responding because your opponent's name carries some weight and people'll give you shit if you completely ignore it. I’m down for a diss track where the participant is hella bored by this nonsense, but that probably wasn't the intended interpretation. I dunno. If there's one thing I learned from digging through just three months' worth of 2007 hits, it's that there are songs meant to be forgotten, and I have a feeling, if there is a 2027 and we're all still free, there's gonna be another obsessive white dude who's made poor life choices and poorer facial hair choices digging through the 2017 vaults, coming across this song, and realizing sometimes things are forgotten because they're forgettable.

61) "Regret in Your Tears," by Nicki Minaj

I'm of two minds on this. The first one doesn't think we put Nicki Minaj on this earth to make Drake songs. But also, I had a good time! It sounded inspiring, and the idea of a Nicki Minaj break-up song is so inherently interesting to me that I'd almost put it in the "down for this no matter what" category. I just think it could've been a touch more creative than "here's Nicki doing a sad song."

71) "Changed It," by Nicki Minaj & Lil' Wayne

That thing Nicki does at 1:45, "I am Billie Jean and the bitch is my SON," that's why we never stop believing. That's why we listen to this nonsense with entirely too much modern-day Lil' Wayne, because Nicki Minaj will ocassionally do things like that with her voice.

72) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky

I DON'T KNOW WHY FRANK DECIDED TO START BEING BREEZY AND MAKE SONGS THAT ARE FUN TO LISTEN TO BUT I APPRECIATE THAT HE'S ZAGGIN' ON 'EM. It feels shitty to give this song a couple of spins and then form a loud all-capsable opinion about it, because that feels like giving the intricacy and depth of Frank Ocean's songs short shrift. But it's his own damn fault for making this song so breezy! It's not necessarily lighthearted, it's not like Frank Ocean is ever gonna take us to his happy place, but it's airy and soft (you know, soft, like air sometimes is), it feels good to just let these sounds envelop you, and I haven't quite yet figured out how to express what I love about the transition to Rocky's verse, but trust that I loved it. (Maybe this doesn't need to go up the date the chart drops?) nah, we’re good

78) "Liability," by Lorde

This feels like a song that's probably going to be really dope in the context of the album, where it can play the supporting role it is clearly meant to play, but as a standalone track, I dunno. It's definitely more interesting than the average piano-'n-strings song, you can really hear that Fun. sound clear as day. It's just not particularly substantive on its own. Though, I suppose if it's being released as a teaser, it performs the job admirably, giving just a hint of what the album could sound like. I'm stoked.

95) "Prblms," by 6LACK

sadness is not the only valid emotion. darkness cannot exist without light. fucking christ, you people won't listen to "Run Up," but you'll listen to a parade of fucking dudes bleat about how shitty their relationships are. i don't get it.

The 2017 Top 20, Which Actually Is in Progress! 20) "Regret in Your Tears," by Nicki Minaj (4.1) 19) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) “iSpy” is a freshly-minted Top 10 hit, and I’m so excited for that. Light the way forward, KYLE. Show the world it’s okay to be happy and make fun songs.

Who won the week?

Frank Ocean had the best individual song, and that is to be commended, but oh my stars does 2007 ever take it. “With Love” would sink weaker ships, but we had “Beautiful Liar” and “Get it Shawty” on this one, along with the Yoshi’s Island sounds and the bass line in an Amy Winehouse song. “Chanel” took to the seas with one pretty cool Nicki song, two bleh Nicki songs, fucking 6LACK, and a Lorde song not meant to live on its own. It falls to the bottom of the ocean, and future underwater anthropologists (prolly a thing?) will find it in the wreckage and ask how..

Official Standings 2007: 1 2017: 0 (it kinda won last week, but I’m not counting that as a win, because honestly that was more scouting report than battle.)

Rough week for 2017, but hey: Drake made a new thing! If nothing else, at least this week wasn’t that.

0 notes