#and then there’s research prof who was talking about a place that’s literally called hell and his daughter was like ‘that’s a bad word’

[an-absolute-travesty]

Secret Santa fic!

Heya @all-eternity it was me all along! I hope you enjoy this :) very much looking foward to actually being able to follow you after this without looking sketchy lmao

Also shoutout to my lovely beta reader @keepersandqueens as if I don’t talk about Salas enough here lol

Warnings: underage drinking, drinking in general, hangover, drugs/medication mention (not abused, basic over the counter stuff dw), mentions of vomit (not described)

Pairings: Kam, background marelinh, ex titz

About: Kam coffee shop college au 

Word count: 5,205

Tag list (tell me if you want to be added or removed): @cadence-talle @ruewen-and-rising @lemontarto @a-lonely-tatertot @clearlyvacksen @percabetn @sewersewersewercouch @everyonehasthoughts @imaramennoodle @enbies-and-felonies @blxckh0les42​ @rainbowtay-11 @callas-starkflower-stew @impostertamsong @appalyneinstitute1 @stars-and-splendor @anna-without-an-e @mistythegenderqueermess @we-have-no-bananas-today @we-wont-dissapear @jadenightthewriter

Tam stumbled into his first 8 am class, anxiety making his heart feel like it was pounding out of his chest and stomach doing backflips.

If he could survive bouncing between foster homes, a short stint at juvie, and worst of all high school, he could survive college.

Well he thought he could until he saw a familiar person right next to the only available chair in the room.

God fucking damn it.

"Hey Bangs Boy!" Keefe waved him down, causing a scene. Tam had no option but to sit beside him, both because of the lack of chairs and the fact that everyone was now staring at him.

Not a great start.

"What a coincidence! I notice you still haven't taken my suggestions on your hair, I'm telling ya' you'd get all the girls and or guys and nonbinary pals with a man bun." Keefe looked smug at the fact he'd be able to taunt Tam for another semester, minimum. Tam was already making a mental note to check when he could swap out of classes.

"Keefe, if I knew you were going here I would've just gotten myself back in jail, oh wait, you were the one who got me in there in the first place." Tam shot him a look, praying that he'd suddenly develop superpowers and shoot lasers from his eyes.

"Hey, just because I came up with the idea...and helped with some of the execution, doesn't mean I'm responsible for you trashing your parents house. Besides, you were only in there for like 3 days max before you got out," Keefe said, shrugging as if 3 days in jail was no biggie.

"Most peaceful 3 days of my life," Tam sneered, turning back to the front of the room as the professor walked in.

"Good morning class!" the prof turned to the white board, writing his name. "I am Dr. Harding," he tapped it for emphasis.

The class was silent.

"And you say good mor..."

"Good morning Dr. Harding," The class said in unison, they all sounded tired and bored.

This wasn't going to be fun.

~*~

"Grande ice vanilla latte for...Hen-are-y?"

The man shot Keefe a look as he grabbed his coffee.

"Henry." He dropped a tip in the jar, fifty cents. How generous.

He had come in before, and never left good tips. Keefe made it a game to pronounce the names of anyone who wasn't a college student and left bad tips wrong, no matter how much they came in. It was a wonder he hadn't been fired yet.

As he turned preparing another drink, the bell at the top of the door rang. He ignored it at first until he heard a quiet, "Fuck," come from behind.

"Bangs boy!"

"Why are you here?"

"I work here obviously," Keefe walked up to the counter. "Now, what'll it be?"

Tam sighed. "Iced caramel macchiato with two extra shots of espresso."

"Size?"

"Venti."

Keefe whistled thinking about how much caffeine that was as he wrote down "Bangs Boy" on the cup.

"Alright, that'll be 5.75, may I ask why the insane amount of coffee? I believe I remember you saying caffeine makes you anxious in high school."

"Yes, but it also helps me focus, and I have a quiz tomorrow I haven't studied for."

"Fair enough," Keefe said, going to prepare the drink. "It'll be ready in five."

Tam nodded, walking off to the side and scrolling on his phone. Keefe made the drink, occasionally sneaking looks over at Tam. He didn't seem to notice, thank God.

Soon after, they finished the transaction.

"See you at class," Keefe said, he was trying to be genuine, but it came across more taunting.

Tam grimaced, muttered "Thanks for the coffee," and walked out the door.

~*~

The class fell silent as a disheveled Dr. Harding walked in, a pack of gatorade in one hand and bottle of tylenol in the other. He popped one as he sat down.

"Hello class it seems today I have the worst headache imaginable, just give me about 5 minutes of silence and we will go over your assignments."

Keefe leaned over to Tam's desk.

"Well, we know what he got into last night," he whispered. "Heard the bar on the corner of 5th was giving out two for ones for professors."

"Isn't that place run by the alumni?"

"Exactly. Gotta thank Alvar tomorrow, Fitz said it was his idea."

"Wait Fitz goes here too? Why did I not-"

"Boys!" Dr. Harding practically yelled. "I am tired of the racket." He put his face in his hands where his elbows rested on the desk, bald spot showing to the world.

"We were whispering!" Keefe made a 'what the hell' sort of gesture. Tam glared at him, hoping he could communicate 'I will kill you myself if you say another word' with just his eyes.

"Sencen, do I look like I care?"

Keefe winced a bit at the use of his last name. That was something Tam could understand.

"Look, boys," Dr. Harding stood up and turned to the chalkboard, writing something down. "If you all like talking so much, you'll love this next project."

He walked to the side, revealing the board, that read '10 page essay, due the 25th'

"With the person next to you, you'll be writing a 10 page essay on um...the importance of keeping your oil changed in your car. You'll then present it to the class. It's worth 25 points."

A student raised their hand.

"Luka?"

"Sir, I thought this was a psychology course?"

"It is. You are all excused."

With that, he left the room with his tylenol and gatorade in his arms. The students glared at Keefe and Tam as they all got up, muttering amongst themselves about the pure bullshittery of it all.

"So..." Keefe said, slowly standing. "Does the library tomorrow at 3 work? I have work until then, so it can't be any earlier."

"Yeah, sure." Tam promptly walked out of the classroom as fast as possible, he didn't know why but his anxiety was spiking. He tried to tell himself it was just because he was a useless gay that didn't know jackshit about cars, yeah, surely that was it.

Just a useless gay.

~*~

Tam waited at a table in the library, it was 3:05, Keefe was late.

He didn't know what else he expected from him, he always seemed to do stuff like this. At the same time, Tam didn't have the energy to be particularly mad at him. This was going to be the stupidest essay ever written in the history of man, might as well put it off.

The library door slammed open, and in came Keefe. He balanced a large stack of papers and books along with four drinks. He stumbled over to Tam and practically threw them down on the table.

"Sorry I'm late, I thought it would be nice to, like, get you a coffee, but I didn't know how much caffeine you wanted, so I got one decaf caramel macchiato, one normal, and one with an extra shot, and also hot chocolate for me."

He sat down in the chair by Tam, as if getting three different coffees for someone you were forced to do a project with was totally normal.

"Um...thanks, I-I can pay you back-"

"Don't worry about it." Keefe turned to him and smiled, bright and friendly. Tam was frozen. "Okay, now it's car time." Keefe turned back to the desk.

"Yeah."

They were silent for a while as they researched, Keefe going through his piles of papers and books and Tam on his laptop like any sane person would.

Tam finally worked up the nerve to talk.

"So um...this is out of nowhere, but I think you mentioned Fitz went here?"

"Oh, yeah." Keefe put down the absurdly large textbook that was set up in front of him. "He's my roommate, he uh thought it would be best not to tell you after everything, I guess."

"That's fine," Tam shrugged like he didn't care. "I'm over it."

He was, really. They only dated like 2 weeks, sure it ended with a...pretty big fight after Fitz claimed he wouldn't be able to date someone who had gone to jail and Tam reminded him it was his best friend that got him in there in the first place, but he was still over it. There was still something bothering him, nothing to do with Fitz himself but...something. He just couldn't put his finger on what.

"Alright, I'll take your word." Keefe shrugged, setting his giant book back up in front of him.

Tam felt the need to start talking again, but didn't. They were mostly silent for the next 40 minutes or so, just researching and the occasional word exchanged between them.

Keefe checked his phone.

"Shit," He got up. "Work emergency, I gotta go. Same time tomorrow?"

"Yeah that works."

"Chill, see ya' later."

"Bye."

Keefe waved (with a wide grin Tam would've called idiotic in high school) as he went out the door.

Tam found himself with a smile on his own face, he quickly stopped, hoping no one saw.

~*~

Keefe hurried into work, pulling his apron on as he saw the absurdly long line and a panicked Marella frantically making coffees behind the counter. She sighed with relief when she saw him.

"Thank God," She said as he stepped behind the counter with her. "There was a scheduling error, Forkle's useless at that stuff."

Mr. Forkle, their well-meaning but often mistaken manager, was out of town at the moment. The fate of the Starbucks rested on two college kids, what could go wrong.

And so they went, Keefe taking orders and Marella fulfilling them until there were no more to serve.

Marella, quite literally, threw in a towel she had wiped her face with. Promptly going to the back, presumably for her break. Keefe followed her.

"Alright, I think you can probably go back to whatever you were doing before this now if you'd like," said Marella, inspecting the small braids in her hair in the nearest shiny surface.

"Nah I was just doing a project with Tam for Harding's stupid class, he's probably left by now, I might as well rack up some overtime."

Marella turned back at him, clearly caught off guard at the name.

"Tam? As in my-girlfriend's-brother Tam? As in you-had-a-massive-crush-on-in-highschool Tam? As in dated-Fitz Tam? As in you-got-him-in-jail-"

"Yes! Yes! Why does everyone remind me of that, it was one time."

"When you get someone in jail, people tend to remember," Marella went silent for a second, thinking, before looking Keefe in the eye. "Wow, that must be awkward as hell, I mean seriously, if I were you I'd straight up file a restraining order just to avoid him. Maybe move to another country. I hear Estonia is lovely this time of year."

"Eh, it's not as bad as it seems. I mean it was awful at first, mostly because I tried to resume right where we left it on the taunting front, but I think it's ok now."

"Hm. Well good luck with that," Marella turned back to go to the front, but Keefe grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Uh, actually I need your advice on something. It has to do with Tam."

"Shoot."

"Well I was thinking of maybe, I don't know, asking him out or something? Look, yeah, it's an awful idea but is it 'he never wants to talk to me again' awful or 'he attempts to strangle me' awful?"

Marella looked him up and down, eyes uncomfortably cold, as usual.

"I mean, no hetero, but despite your annoying qualities you're a decent looking guy. Plus Tam's, like, super anxious according to Linh, so maybe he'll be too awkward to say no. You can probably squeeze at least one date in there."

"Wow, thanks Mare," Keefe mumbled, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes, I try. Also don't call me Mare."

"Alright Ella!" Keefe called as the front door's bell rang, signalling a new customer. Marella went off to take care of it, unable to respond she growled back at him.

~*~

Tap tap tap tap tap.

Tam glared from across the table.

Tap tap tap tap tap tap.

"Why do you keep doing that?"

Keefe looked up, muttered a simple "Fidgety" and went right back to it, tapping his pen against the table. Tam said nothing more.

Keefe had been quiet for this entire meeting, something highly unusual for him.

"Ok, seriously dude, what's up? I haven't seen you this quiet literally ever."

He only seemed to get more fidgety at this question, his bouncing leg shaking the library table.

"I...um..." he looked down, running a hand through his hair "I have a test I need to cram for and no one to study with and keep me accountable. Y'know, ADHD issues."

Tam didn't overthink for once in his life but the moment the sentence was out of his mouth he regretted it.

"I have a test too, maybe we could study together?"

Keefe smiled his annoyingly charming smile.

"Sounds good."

"Good."

Tam quickly looked back down at his computer, trying to look like he was still doing car research when in actuality he was processing he just actively offered to spend more time with Keefe Sencen.

If Linh found out about this he'd never live it down.

He didn't think he cared.

~*~

Dr. Harding walked through the classroom door, clearly much less hungover than his last appearance.

The students waited, would they get an apology? Any sort of remorse?

"Alright, who wants to read first?"

Apparently not.

Keefe raised his hand with too much confidence for what their essay looked like. Tam gave him a confused look. He had his scheming face on, never good.

"Mr. Sencen!" Keefe winced at the use of his last name by the doctor. "What an amazing start, it's only appropriate. One of you boys come up and present."

Tam gave Keefe a look of 'do you want me to do it?' Keefe just smiled and got up from his chair. This would either be really good or really, really bad. Tam was all too familiar with the scheme face.

"Doc, I did depart from the source material a bit here, hope you don't mind. And I use 'I' because Tam had no involvement in this, he deserves full points for his essay."

Keefe cleared his throat, the room was so silent you could hear a pin drop.

"Doctor Harding deserves to get fired: an essay. (And it's only been a week!) Paragraph one, his drinking problem-"

"Sencen! Back to your seat now. I will see you after class, or I will not see you in my next class, understand?"

Keefe gave a thumbs up as he sat back on his chair with a thud.

A few minutes later, in the middle of another student's essay, he passed Tam a note with his loopy handwriting.

"The amount of comebacks I had for 'see me after class' is absurd but if I get kicked out there's no way Elwin is helping me pay tuition a second time."

Tam tried not to smile, certainly failing, as he wrote his response.

"Yeah I think the time you talked back to Miss Cadence she wanted to expel you. Lucky Principal Alina had a thing for pseudo-dad Alden."

"Oh God I haven't talked to him in a whiiiiiile."

"?"

"You haven't heard? Yeah, he sorta found out like ALL his kids were ell gee bee tees and freaked out. Della found herself a new gf though!"

"Sounds like a lovely extra punch in the gut for a queerphobe."

"Yep. Honestly I recommend looking through his Facebook sometime. Just a million rants about how the gays destroy everything, great entertainment."

"Duly noted."

At that point it seemed like the doctor started to take notice of their note passing, and they stopped quickly. Tam wouldn't be surprised if he did the whole high school read in front of the class thing with the way he had been acting so far.

Tam was 100% sure tenure was the only thing keeping this guy's job intact. Apparently being a drunk asshole wasn't near enough to get a person out of their position. He tried to ignore the professor's annoyingly smug face for the rest of the class.

~*~

Keefe sat in his usual spot at the library, Tam sitting across from him, his brown eyes dancing across the textbook page and lips mumbling along the words. He didn't have much to do, often finding himself just staring at Tam, quickly looking away if he seemed to notice.

Eventually he sighed, sitting back.

"Ugh, this test is in a week and I have so much other crap to do, I'll never get this all memorized by Friday."

Keefe silently thanked his brain for managing to get around the having to study thing. Yay, photographic memory!

"Oh, uh, well I'm free to study more tomorrow if that would help? We could do, like, flashcards or something."

Tam seemed to repress a smile. He did that a lot. Keefe always noticed.

"That's okay, I'm sure you have better things to do. The Starbucks is always pretty packed."

"Eh, sometimes you have to get away from Marella. She's mean to me."

"Not just you, once she told me if I ever made fun of Linh's cat's name again she'd make me cut off my own bangs."

Keefe nodded sagely. "The shorter you are the closer to hell. That's why you're worse than her."

"Hey!"

Tam flicked a stray rubber band at Keefe.

"I'm at least 2 inches taller than Marella...we measured."

Keefe thought up about 12 inappropriate jokes he couldn't make before flicking the rubber band back.

"Two inches only counts in roller coasters, none of which you can ride."

Tam stuck his tongue out before returning to his studies. Unlike Tam, Keefe didn't hide his smile.

~*~

Tam strolled into the Starbucks that Friday morning, no longer surprised to see Keefe working the counter. He could barely hold still in line as he thought about the amount of cramming he'd have to do in the next few hours.

When he reached the counter, Keefe said nothing, just busily worked making a drink.

He stuck it right out at Tam.

"One venti iced caramel macchiato with 2 extra shots of espresso because you have a test today in political science and still haven't studied everything and also a muffin because you probably haven't eaten today. On the house. Good luck with the studying."

Tam froze.

"I- um- th-thaks. Y-you too...sport."

Oh, you fucking idiot.

He quickly scurried out of the Starbucks with drink and muffin in hand. Wow, he had screwed that up.

But...

Keefe...

He...

He remembered his order and that he had a test and that he forgot to eat when he was stressed holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit-

Okay, deep breaths Tam, you got this. You can totally handle a frustratingly cute guy showing care for you this is fine...

Not fine, not fine, gotta tell Linh.

He called Linh with no forewarning. Despite the fact that she was currently across the country at a different university, and it was about 3 am for her, she picked up. He barely let her get out a groggy "Hello?" before explaining everything. She only seemed to think a moment before responding.

"Hm. Well it's good to know that college is going good for you. Do you need advice or comfort?"

"Yes."

"Well, first of all, everything's gonna be okay. And I know that doesn't help much but just try to remember we're eighteen, and it's not the end of the world. Second of all, try to ask him out or something. It doesn't have to be framed as a date, like Marella and I got together on a walk in the park, seriously it can be anything."

"Thanks Linh."

"No problem, also can you hug Marella for me?"

"If she doesn't try to kill me first, yes."

"Nice. Okay go do what you gotta do, also don't wake me up at 3 am again or else I'll sic Purryfins on you, I had just gone to bed."

With that she hung up and Tam continued on his way, still trying to not completely freak out.

~*~

Keefe stared blankly as Tam walked right out of the door. Marella appeared by his arm.

"So, how'd it go?"

"Well, he called me 'sport'."

Marella inhaled through her teeth.

"Yikes. Comfort, advice, or distraction?"

"Distraction, please." Keefe replied, absent-mindedly preparing a cup for the next customer.

"Uh, well I meant to ask you what ended up happening with that ass of a teacher, but I got a bit distracted at your attempt to woo Tam-"

"Hey I said distraction not reminder. But basically I just got a slap on the wrist because, and I quote, 'Your father is Cassius Sencen! He wrote half the books we use in this class, I'm sure he can straighten you out!'"

"There's absolutely nothing papa Sencen could do to make you straight, I'm pretty sure he tried that, and it obviously didn't work."

"He actually tried a few times and it most definitely did not. Lucky he doesn't have my number anymore or else I assure you he'd keep trying."

Marella laughed.

"Well, moving on from grade A assholes, I'm supposed to tell you there's a party tonight. I'll have to send you the address later, I have it on my phone though, I am told there's gonna be booze, so I'm going."

"Eh, I'll probably go. Just to get my mind off everything."

"Thata boy." She lifted her phone. "And my shifts over in three, two, one, and I am out of here! See ya' tonight Hunkyhair."

"That's Lord Hunkyhair to you."

She just rolled her eyes and clocked out, leaving Keefe to deal with both the customers and his own thoughts.

~*~

Tam sat in his dorm room alone, constantly refreshing his grades for the possibility that his 70-year-old professor would post the test results at 1:30 am.

His roommate was gone for the weekend, actually he was gone most of the time. Tam didn't think they'd even had a full conversation before.

He jumped as his phone began to ring, a call from Keefe of all people. He hesitantly picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Tam! Tam Tam Tam Tam Tam" Keefe's slurred speech was too loud for a phone call, Tam held his phone a bit away from his ear. "...fuck wait why did I call you..."

There was a long pause, neither said anything.

"Oh yeah! I needed to tell you something...but uh I uhm I forgot what it was."

"Keefe, where are you?"

"At a paaaaaarty, well, actually just outside a party because it was hot in there, but now it's cold out here so uh yeah."

Tam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Okay, send me the address, I'm coming to pick you up. Wait right there and don't move."

"Okie dokie."

Tam heard a thud sort of sound and the rustling of grass from the other line before Keefe hung up and soon after got a message of his location.

After 20 minutes of walking in the cold, Tam came up to what seemed to be a frat house with Keefe sitting on the lawn in criss-cross, patiently waiting in short sleeves and basketball shorts, way too little clothing for the weather. His ruddy face smiled as he saw Tam approach.

"Tam! I remembered what I was going to tell you." He stood up, face falling right after. "Oh no wait I forgot again. Ooh! You need a drink."

Keefe grabbed Tam's hand, pulling him towards the house. Tam stayed in place.

"Hey, let's get you home dude."

Keefe pouted.

"I don't wannaaaa."

He slouched down, pulling on Tam's arm like a child having a tantrum.

Tam pulled him back up to his feet.

"C'mon, if you go to your dorm without fuss I'll buy you ice cream tomorrow."

Keefe seemed much more ok with going along with Tam with the ice cream deal. He pulled off his own coat and placed it around the very drunk boy, he didn't complain.

Keefe began humming some annoying song from the early 2000s that was playing from the house earlier as they walked back in the direction of the dorms.

Suddenly, Tam remembered something.

Fitz was Keefe's roommate.

Shit.

"Hey uh do you think Fitz is at your dorm?"

Keefe nodded confidently.

"Yep! Said he was gon' study. Wouldn't come to the party because of his 'reputation' or whatever."

Around reputation he did exaggerated finger quotes, nearly knocking Tam's jacket off his shoulders.

"Hm...in that case let's go to my dorm, ok?"

Keefe shrugged, apparently willing to go along with most things in his current state. Thank goodness Linh had made Tam bring extra pillows and blankets to college, he could sleep on the floor and just hope Keefe didn't get sick on him in the night.

It was ridiculously hard to lead Keefe back to his dorm. He tried to pull down his pants halfway there and Tam almost had to carry him up the stairs but soon enough they got there. He sighed with relief as he led his inebriated friend into the room.

"Okay, you can stay here for the night. I'll sleep on the floor."

Keefe plopped himself down on Tam's bed laying flat for only a moment before sitting up with a snap and a look of realization in his eyes.

"OOH! I remember what I was gonna tell you again!"

"Oh?" Tam said playing along, expecting him to forget again.

He patted the spot next to him on the bed, Tam continued to play along, sitting next to him.

"So Marella said that I should just tell you this, and it worked for her, so I'm gonna. And uh and you have to promise to listen 'cause I'm not sayin' it again."

At this point Keefe grabbed his face with both hands, staring right in Tam's eyes and squishing his cheeks.

"You're listening right?"

Tam nodded, mostly to shake Keefe's hands off his face.

"Okay."

Keefe took in an over dramatic breath as if he was preparing to preform in the Olympics before getting another grin on his face.

"I really like you."

"You really like me?"

He nodded mumbling "mhm".

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I like you. Like, like like you."

"Like...as a friend?"

"I said I wasn't gonna repeat myself. As a booooyfriend." At this point Keefe fell back on the bed, looking at the ceiling. Tam's cheeks were burning.

"How long have you liked me like that?"

"Mmmm..." Keefe seemed to ponder for a moment, "Prolly high school."

"Oh um...good to know. You should get some rest. I'll be down here if you need me."

"Alrighty."

Tam shut off the lights and Keefe started snoring quick. Tam could only stare up in the darkness, unable to sleep.

~*~

Keefe woke up that morning in a room he didn't recognize to a killer headache and dead phone.

He turned to the side, seeing a pile of blankets and pillows with a large gatorade, bottle of tylenol, and a note next to it. Suddenly last nights memories came flooding back.

Oh, shit.

He scrambled out of bed, headache and nausea hitting him harder as he stood up.

Despite the fact his head was spinning, he picked up the note from the ground and read it.

Hey, meet me at the reservoir around 6, we need to talk -Tam

F. U. C. K.

Had he really said all that stuff last night? Surely it was a dream, right?

Oh God.

He gathered his few belongings, plus the things to help the hangover, and left the dorms as fast as possible. Only having to stop once along the way to throw up in one of the campus trash cans, hopefully no one would notice.

Keefe didn't have anything to do and he really didn't want to face Fitz so he went about his day in last nights clothing. Then again, it was a college campus. Someone walking around with rumpled clothes carrying a gatorade probably wasn't that big of a deal for most people. By 5:30 he sat impatiently in the empty park where the reservoir was located, it was colder closer to the water.

Just as promised, at 6 o'clock he saw Tam approaching on the horizon.

~*~

Tam was damn near a panic attack as he walked around the park attempting to find Keefe. Eventually he found him, sitting on a bench still in his clothes from last night, face once again ruddy from the cold. He sat next to him wordlessly.

"So," Keefe started.

"So," Tam replied, looking down at his lap.

"Tam I-" Keefe turned to face him. "I'm sorry about everything last night, I probably just made everything super awkward. Not to mention it's a giant violation of the friend code to even have a crush on your best friend's ex-"

"Yeah, about that."

"What?"

"You're gonna maybe kill me for this but uh," Tam pulled on his bangs. "I sorta talked to Fitz about it, I figured you wouldn't and apparently I was right. He said he was okay with it as long as we were ok with it."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Tam sighed, "Perhaps."

Keefe once again wore that shit-eating grin of his.

"Can I hear you say it?"

"Why don't you have to say it?"

"Already said it last night! Your turn now. Why did you take care of me while I was drunk?"

Keefe stared at Tam excitedly waiting for the answer. Tam sighed.

"Because I love you, little shit."

"Ooh you said it-"

Tam smashed his lips against Keefe's, both quickly melting into it. After only a moment they pulled away.

"Agh, you taste like gatorade and vomit."

"Well you taste like salt so really what's worse."

"Definitely the vomit."

Despite this, Tam leaned back in. This kiss was a moment longer than the last, and when Tam pulled away Keefe chased it.

"Ok, look I'm sorry but you look like shit Keefe you have to go change." Tam removed his jacket, throwing it around Keefe once again and helping him up from the bench. Keefe laughed.

"Yeah, you're right. Ooh now that we're a thing you need a new nickname!"

"I do?"

"You do, how about 'Bangs Boyf' ooh or maybe you can be my 'provoked partner' or my 'snappy spouse' my 'agitated accomplice' perhaps."

"Do you just have these ready and prepared for any situation?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets."

"You aren't Houdini, you're an 18-year-old boy that currently reeks of frat party."

"Eh that's basically the same thing. I've seen some 18-year-olds at frat parties preform tricks Houdini could never dream of."

Tam sighed dramatically. "It's a good thing you're pretty, you know."

"Hey!" Keefe jokingly shoved him.

For the first time Tam's smile wasn't repressed.

#hope you like this elliot! #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #kam #keefe sencen #tam song #kotlc fic #scheduled to post at 9 am and ill reblog once i get back to my phone because ill be doing x-mas stuff

[mystery-deer]

Angst HC with fluff potential, Kevin has anxiety. Most of the time he deals with it with his and Holt's signature stoicism-and-snark combo, and he does get flustered easily. Rarely, though, things are just too much and he reverts back to a behavior he developed as a child from dealing with his father. He shuts down. He lowers his gaze, goes vacant and does nothing. Ray freaked out the first time this happened but since then has learned to deal with it, but is always deeply concerned. Thoughts?

 The first attack he remembered having was when he was young. 

He had broken something. He didn’t remember exactly what it was, all he remembered was the rush of his blood cooling all at once as he realized what he’d done.

What was coming.

His mother had sent him to his room without any anger, her own face trying to be stern and comforting all at once as she told him that his father would be home soon. That she’d try to calm him down before he found the wreckage.

Oh, a pen. Yes, it had been a pen. He had taken it from the top of his father’s desk and it had broken as he wrote.

He felt like his heart was going to explode.He was going to throw up.He was going to die.Yes, he was going to die.

The thought kept circling around his head as Kevin sat with his ink-stained hands shaking and then laid down with his whole body trembling and spasming with something he couldn’t quite identify. Fear?

He’d never been this afraid before. It had never rendered him speechless and immobile.

His father had waited half an hour between finding the pen (He could hear him roaring with rage and then talking in loud disappointment “That kid Marie, that kid…” before it was all silence and waiting waiting waiting) and coming upstairs.

He stood outside the door for another minute before opening it. “Sit up.” He demanded and Kevin did.

Then his memory blinked out. A lightbulb with faulty wiring. When it came back on he was washing his hands of the ink as his father looked on.

“I’m proud of you.” He said, resting a hand on his still-shaking shoulder.       “You didn’t talk back.”

He wouldn’t have a name for them for years, until well into his adult life one of his friends told him “That sounds like anxiety.”

“Brilliant.” He’d struggled to reply, everything around him unfocused and too much. “I can see why you’re a leader in your field.”

“I mean anxiety disorder.” His friend had clarified, gently leading him out onto the balcony for some air. “You absolute dick.”

He’d researched it the moment he’d been able to.

“Why are you reading about anxiety disorders?” Raymond asked, coming up behind him and resting his chin in the crook of Kevin’s shoulder.

“I believe I might have one.” He replied, reaching one hand up to idly scratch at Raymond’s hair. Neither of them commented on it.

Raymond closed his eyes (much like a cat, kevin often thought but would never voice) and hummed a matter-of-face “I see.” Before quieting and eventually leaving his boyfriend be.

“Are people not always worried?” Kevin asked one day a few weeks later. His researching had given way to formulating hypotheses and questions. “Does the average man walk around oblivious to the world around him?”

Raymond scoffed. “The average white man.”Kevin smirked. “The average straight man.”Raymond nodded appreciatively.

“Perhaps you have no disorder, your life circumstances are just differing from the norm?” Kevin examined his boyfriend’s face for any derision and only saw curiosity. “Perhaps.” He said, thinking back to his childhood. Differing from the norm, indeed.

Whether or not he had anxiety was giving him anxiety.He had a half-dream when he was half-asleep in bed, brain dipped forever in worry, soaking it all up. In his dream one of his colleagues (the annoying one trying his damnedest to grow a mustache) was giving a lecture and pointing ineffectually without a pointer. Just…using his hands. Like an imbecile.

“And here we see Prof Kevin as a wonderful example of dramatic irony.” He was saying in his trying-to-be-humorous voice. The projector showed Kevin pacing around his and Raymond’s apartment.

Kevin woke up when he felt Raymond shift. “Mm.” He muttered.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” His boyfriend whispered and Kevin shook his head.

“Reynolds.” He tried to explain, one eye still closed.

“Your colleague with the…well, I’m feeling charitable. The moustache?” Kevin nodded. “You were dreaming about him? I’m jealous.”

Kevin smiled slightly. Some might call this a smirk, especially given the intense aura of smug dislike emanating off the man. Raymond called it a slight smile. “Don’t be. He was being very…Reynolds.”

“Ah.” 

       "He called me ‘prof Kevin’ out loud.“       "Dear God.”

They laid in silence for a minute before Kevin spoke again.

“Raymond I don’t know if I have…anything. I am unsure.” Raymond made a noise of understanding and reached out, resting a hand gently on Kevin’s pillow which Kevin took without thinking.

“However, I know that I do have certain issues. You remember my episode that took place in childhood?”

“Vividly.” Kevin squeezed Raymond’s hand to reassure him of his being alright. It always upset his boyfriend to hear about Kevin being upset even if it was years in the past.

“Yes, well there have been…similar incidents since then.” Raymond sat up straight.

“When?” Kevin sat up as well, rubbing an eye.“I can’t remember. Various incidents. What’s important is that should such an incident occur again-”

“There are synonyms of ‘incident’ you know-”

“-I’m very tired Raymond.”

“Sorry, I forgot myself. Please continue.”

“…should such an episode occur again, I will require your assistance.” He moved over and rested his head on Raymond’s shoulder, making a slight show of leaning down to do it.

“I will support you in any way I can.” Raymond said, bringing Kevin’s hand up to his mouth and kissing it softly.

They fell asleep like that.

And so, with a horrible pain in Kevin’s neck and Raymond’s back, they went to work.

Kevin to his literal job and Raymond…also to his literal job, but with an additional personal job as well. Researching on ways to assist Kevin if he were ever to have an attack of anxiety around him.

The first few attempts were less than ideal.

—— (Flashback, Kevin eating breakfast and Raymond washing dishes)-——-

Kevin: It looks like rain today.

Raymond (perking up, alert): Does that…worry you?

Kevin: I suppose. The subway is going to be hell.

Raymond (placing a reassuring hand on Kevin’s back): It’s going to be alright. You are safe.

Kevin: I know. (examining the water on the floor from Raymond’s hand) I will have to change now.

Raymond: Just remember to keep breathing.

Kevin: I’ll try to keep that in mind.

—— (Flashback ends)——–

However, he had persisted in his research and as a result been able to assist his boyfriend through a small series of episodes;

When he’d forgotten his phone at work after telling Kevin that he’d be attempting to arrest “YoYo MaMa” the prolific mother murdering serial killer that day. (He’d come home to find Kevin had re-organized half their bookshelves and abandoned the task midway through to dust the empty shelves instead.)

Kevin’s first work party that accepted plus one’s onto the premises. (They’d both been nervous for that one but it wasn’t until Kevin re-made the ratatouille they were bringing for the third time that Raymond realized he was more than nervous.)

When the news had reported a bomb in the building across the street from Raymond’s workplace. (It had turned out to be a fake threat but when he’d called Kevin after it was all over he’d heard his voice shakier than normal, light with relief.)

And after years of relative peace he had forgotten.

He’d forgotten that this could happen too.

Everything had seemed fine when he’d gotten home. Kevin was researching for an upcoming paper and Raymond had popped in sparingly so as not to disturb him. 

When he’d noticed that Kevin hadn’t touched the tea or apple slices that Raymond had left him he’d idly remarked that the apples would brown and Kevin had snapped at him that, “I know the damn apples are going to brown.” and then stared vacantly at the wall.

Raymond had stepped inside and gently shut the door. “Kevin?”

No response. “Kevin, are you ok?” No response, predictably. Raymond’s own heart began to quicken. He didn’t know how to deal with this. He was going to screw up, he was going to hurt him he was-

Kevin wrapped his arms around himself but otherwise remained blank.He had to do something.

Raymond reached out instinctively before pulling his hand back. He had to ask before touching but Kevin wouldn’t speak. He began to pace, racking his brain.

“Kevin can you…hear me?” He asked, trying to keep his questions small and yes/no. 

Kevin nodded his head slowly. Raymond breathed a sigh of relief. “Is it okay if I hold your hand?” Kevin nodded again and Raymond took one of his hands without moving his arm.

He had no idea what to do now. He and Kevin usually talked through any issues they had and having him be so…out of it, was disconcerting.

In the middle of trying to puzzle out what to do Kevin suddenly squeezed his hand. Raymond blinked, his heart ached. His Kevin was trying to reassure him, to tell him that he was alright.

Kevin was who needed him right now, Raymond thought, nodding resolutely and squeezing his hand back. He needed to stop thinking and act.

So he did the first thing he could think of. 

He began to describe how to make bread out loud, step by step.

“Before you can begin making bread you will need to feed the yeast. This process will take a minimum of half an hour but can continue for longer if that’s how you or your guests prefer your bread. Pour one cup of water-”

He remembered Kevin had been planning to bake bread that afternoon. He remembered that when they had first begun dating he’d said to him, “It’s easy and fun. Homemade bread can be a great gift and the process of making it is quite relaxing.” And Raymond had thought he sounded like he belonged on a cooking show.

He remembered hearing Kevin explain things step by step in a low monotone had often lulled him into a state of calm. Remembered how when he was kept awake by nightmares of crime scene photos and missing persons he was not finding, Kevin would explain to him how old houses were built. From foundation to attic, he’d always fall asleep before Kevin could explain the roof to him.

“-After the first rise you will need to punch it down and shape it once more until it resembles a loaf. Spray the inside of the pan with cooking spray and replace the dough. Watch it rise until-”

He remembered Kevin’s eyes. His laugh and blink-and-you’ll-miss-it smile. His cat-and-mouse way of teasing or tormenting people. Remembered how much he loved him and thought it hard enough that he hoped it came through in his words. He hoped Kevin would be able to understand, to let that love reach him the way he always had before.

“-Place in the oven and bake for twenty minutes-”

“…Twenty?” Raymond paused, hope hanging in the air between them. 

“…Yes, twenty minutes.” He waited and was about to continue when Kevin spoke up again, voice soft but there.

“…It’s going to be too soft. It’s much better to cook it for thirty five to forty minutes.” Sensing that he had his boyfriend’s attention, Raymond continued to gently prod at him.

“Well, wouldn’t it be less time consuming? You could always…nuke it.” It pained him to say the words but that pain was immediately eased by Kevin turning to face him, eyes focused and voice solid.

“Nuke it? It’s a kitchen not a missile launch facility.” Raymond smiled, the familiar sentiment assuring him that Kevin was going to be alright.

“Point taken.” He agreed, leaning up slightly to kiss him. “Welcome back.”

“I didn’t go anywhere.” Kevin stated, smiling gently. “Thank you.”

From there they discussed the source of Kevin’s anxiety; Namely, that he had become increasingly worried that he was on the verge of being fired.

Why that anxiety might be irrational; Namely, that he had done nothing wrong, he was a smart and capable man and that Raymond loved him. (Which had nothing to do with the situation at hand but Kevin appreciated it all the same).

And what he could do about it; Namely, ignoring professor Nami who had it in for him and continuing to do his work while keeping his anxiety in mind and taking steps to manage it.

“And you can always let me know if something’s bothering you.” Raymond said, the two of them now eating the apple slices. “Whether it is related to your anxiety or not.”

“I know.” Kevin replied. “I didn’t want to worry you.”

“I’m your boyfriend. I want to know these things, especially things that might worry me.” Raymond replied, picking up the now cold tea in order to dispose of it. “Because I care for you and want to support you.”

Kevin smiled and turned to his computer once again, picking up his pen and beginning to write. “I love you Raymond.”

“I love you as well.”

#Q&A #anon #thank you anon!! #Kevin and Raymond are from an older generation so I tried to make them both a bit clueless #not completely but just a little like Huh?? #they're trying their best #my writing #Anon: thoughts? #Me: (just fuckin..fic) #I can g ive actual thoughts if you'd like

[wheatlev]

📃💕💎 for the hyperfixation asks, and you can choose which to talk about 🥰

gonna make this one abt DotV/Fearless Vampire Killers (the movie not the band that apparently exists???)

what is the plot of your hyperfixation? and is it a movie, game, show, etc?

(cracks knuckles) This applies to the musical and the movie, I am going to make notes where the plot differs significantly, if at all.

So basically DotV is about a bumbling idiot of a professor named Abronsius (from Königsberg, or in the Broadway show, Heidelberg?) and his shy assistant Alfred, on their way to Transsilvania. Abronsius is convinved that vampires are, in fact, real, and wants to show everyone that laughed him off his seat in uni that they were wrong (also he does talk about wanting a nobel prize in the play, so).

They make it to a small inn, the professor half frozen to eath, where everyone is wearing garlic all over while pretending it is definitely not cause of vampires haha youre so silly old man :) The two of them get a room with a bathroom that is, apparently for some reason also shared by the innkeepers daughter who has a serious thing for bathing despite her father trying to tell her to knock it off already. (Notably in the movie the bathroom’S the only garlic free room so I guess...). She of course does NOT listen, and subsequently both meets Alfred, who immediately falls in love with her a la every single movie ever.

The inkeeper, Chagall, is also a serial adulterer, ddespite trying to keep his daughter from the same thing he is subjecting their only maid to, causing his wife to hit Abronsius over the head with a sausage that very night when the Pro is investigating noises he heard on the stairs (which were Chagall, sneaking out to bother the maid).

(In the stage show the vampire count makes his first appearance here, being appropriately mysterious and, I think, telepathically communicating with the daughter, Sarah?)

The next day the inn is visited by a cripple (literally called that). He asks for a bunch of candles, and while they’re being fetched, tells Sarah to follow him later that night. He gets his candles, leaves, Abronsius asks who that was, and why the inkeeper is so scared of the guy. Chagall deflects, and Abronsius waffles on some more.

That evening Alfred tries to take a bath, which Sarah walks in on, he lets her have the bath and then said vampire count comes crashing in through the skylight and bites her for the first time after inviting her to his midnight ball. (The stage play also has him singing a whole song about how he knows she’s grown tired of her life etc). He flees, and Alfred, who spotted him through the keyhole, alerts the inkeeper, the wife, and his prof, and everyone just bum-rushes Sarah. She’s told off VERY sternly by her father.

She leaves the house later that night, finding Alfred pining for her outside. They have a bit of a discussion about whether or not she should run away. (The stage play involves a big dance number here and gives her a bit more of a personality than damsell in distress.) Alfred returns to the inn, alerting the innkeeper that Sarah left, and Chagall runs off to go find her.

The very next morning, he’s brought in, frozen to deathm apparently, and the cause is determined to be wolves. Abronsius knows better, but is not listened to, resulting in Chagall unfreezing later and attacking the maid he apparently still has the hots for. Professor and Alfred return to stake Chagall, find the maid instead, and coax him into leading them to the castle.

There, they meet the count and his (very gay, like for real) son, pretending they are bat researchers and securing a place to stay overnight.

(End first act of the play.)

Once in the castle, Alfred has a buncha nightmares (another hecking GREAT dance number in the play) and wakes up to find the Professor raring to go kill some vampires. They set off, and things go well until the Professor gets held back and Alfred fails to stake the Count and his sons, promptimg him to head back out and leaving the Professor to freeze, again. (In the musical he doesn’t and just leaves with Alfred.)

 Chagall and his maid love were trying to sleep in the crypt with the count, get booted out by the hunchback and go to sulk about it, I guess.

Alfred goes to look for Sarah, findign the Profesor distracted with the library, finds her, fails to convince her to be saved, and ultimately leaves. Prof is still busy, but suggests a book to help Alfred with his problems, so he picks up a book of poems.

He runs into the son of the count, who thinks Alfred is in love with HIM, not Sarah, there is a scene that is either funny as hell or super uncomfortable depending on how you feel about using gay peopel for comedy and whether you can stomach that, and Alfred and his professor are caught and locked up for the ball later that night.

They escape, sneak into the ball and just barely make it out with their lives and Sarah, who was bitten again and drained (which neither of them know). On the way back out, the Professor remains unaware he is, in fact, bringing the plague of vampires back home by bringing along the newly turned SArah and Alfred, whom she promptly bites.

(The musical has a banging ending sequence, once again with dancing, and men in tight pants. Hmmm.)

I tried to keep it short and uh, failed, so, hey, enjoy.

I should note that the inkeeeper is very much jewish, it is a major point in the story, and that plus the fact there’s a joke that essentially goes ‘aren’t gay people just WEIRD?’ makes me hesitant to tell everyone to watch the movie. It IS very old. The musical handles things a bit better, I think, feel free to ask on details as to why but again, this is getting way too long already...

tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

Outside of being the most heteronormative thing to ever hetero, I really like Alfred in the stage version! (the movie is uh, well, it has Roman Polaski in it, and is kinda. Hmmm.) He is very genuine about his love and ddespite me not being a huge fan of the love at first sight plot, he makes it somewhat platable. Plus, the version I’ve seen, Lukas Perman, is just... super cute??? Nohomo but some homo, ya know how it is. I also have a bit of a lot of thoughts abt him not being straight and all that, but this is not the space for me to ramble on about that!!! 

are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

The music was almost entirely written by and essentially ripped from Jim Steinman songs, so if you like his music, watch this musical! Do it. I am pointign a knife at you politely.

Less fun fact: Michael Crawford has played the role of the count (You may recognize him as one of the OG Phantoms from Lloyd WebberS’ musical).

Even less fun fact: Polaski was not invovled with the Broadway version due to being disallowed on american soil due to... issues.

The movie had an alternate intro made that was entirely aniamted, to play up the comedy aspect. Not sure if that helped. Its full title was also The Fearless Vampire Killers or, Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are In My Neck. Most translations make it Dance of the Vampires, which is kept for the musical. (Some languages turn it into ‘The Ball of the Vampires’ instead, the Russian and French versions coming to mind off the top of my head.)

(dabs) you asked for the plot, you get the plot

#jamday #angelwave

[ricekrispyjoints]

Dima’s top 12 quick and dirty hacks for sounding more proficient in French

Bonjour à toutes et tous !

A friend recently asked for some French help, and I…  got carried away. And made this list. There are probably similar lists out there, but I had a lot of fun making this so OSEF (that’s on s’en fout, or “who cares”).

I realize it’s basically all for spoken (or very casual written) French, but hey, talking is hard, but at least you don’t have to spell anything.

I have more or less put these in the order I (from personal experience) consider to be the easiest to the more advanced/difficult to implement. You may have more luck with one further down the list, who knows. À chacun son style !

(NB: I’m a native speaker of American English currently living in France. I started learning French in 8th grade (~13 years old) and fell in love.) 

Click here to listen to the sample sentences used in the list.

If you would prefer this list in .pdf format, or have any questions/corrections contact me here. 

(Other than typos, I would prefer that only native speakers offer corrections if there is a definition/usage concern.)

At the end of the list is a (short) list of my top English-French resources.

edit: the part about verlan has been updated, thanks to @fcktaken for pointing out the over-simplification.

Bref ! On y va, c’est parti !

1.     Oui= Ouais

Okay, this is an easy one. Instead of saying a strict “yes” all the time, try a “yeah” in your speaking. (It sounds like “weh”, in case you weren’t sure.) Ouais, ça va.

2.      Double subjects French, especially spoken or casual writing, likes to double subjects. It emphasizes who you’re talking about, especially when you’re discussing or comparing multiple subjets.

Use the direct object version and then the subject version of the pronoun:

Moi, j’aimerais bien. Toi, tu as un stylo à me prêter ? Lui, il est parti. Nous, on a déjà fini. (Notice here that “nous” corresponds to the « on ». see trick 3 for more on « on ».) Vous, vous êtes satisfaits ? Eux, ils parlent espagnol.

It also works for objects (at higher levels you will get yelled at for doing this in academic settings but everyone does it so fight me).

La chaise, elle est confortable ?

Le cahier, il est où ?

Le français, c’est une langue compliquée. (Fun fact:  the c’ in c’est comes from ça which comes from cela, which is the official subject form “it”. I did not know this until literal years into my French education. Don’t worry about it.)

 In questions, the direct object version (moi, toi, lui, etc) goes at the end :

Tu as des sœurs, toi ?

Il a réussi à l’examen, lui ?

3.      “Nous” is out; « on » is in Especially when speaking, but also in more casual writing (and even in some scientific research papers, despite what my professors all say), instead of saying “nous”, use “on”. It uses the same conjugation as “il/elle” singular. –Caroline, qu’est que tu as fait avec ton amie hier ? –On est allées au ciné le soir. On s’est bien amusées ! (Note: you must show agreement with whoever the « on » is referring to! That’s why there’s an extra e and an s here: two girls = es ending.)

Nous, on a déjà fini le projet.

It can also be used to refer to people in general, as in “you have to pass a test to become a teacher”, where “you” is just some person in general, and no one specific. In English, we can also say “one”, as in “one must pass an exam…” but it sounds kind of snooty or pretentious. In French ? Very casual. Very common.

On doit passer un examen pour devenir prof. On dirait que c’est de ta faute !

On est plus fort quand on a bien dormi. (Note : for a general use, no agreement is necessary. So just “fort”, not “forts” or “fortes”.)

4.      Drop the “ne” from your negations Ok so your professor might not like this, and you should definitely still write it. But when speaking, most French people (young and old except for absolute sticklers) do not say the “ne” in a “ne__ pas” (or “ne __ rien”, “ne __ plus, etc.) construction unless they are really trying to emphasize the negative. Again, this is for speaking only. J’ai pas de stylo. Vous êtes pas d’accord ?

Là j’ai rien compris.

Il peut plus continuer à courir.

Vous voyez personne ?

 5.     Contractions with je suis, je sais pas, and tu es/tu as

When speaking quickly, French speakers tend to contract certain sounds. Think of the English “I’m going to” becoming “I’m gonna”. In French, there a few common spoken (or chatspeak 😉) contractions:

Je suis: Chuis contente de te voir! ALSO Chu contente de te voir ! (Remember that in French, « ch » makes an English « sh » sound.)

Je sais pas : Chais pas trop. (Remember, we abandoned our « ne”! For some reason, the affirmative “je sais” doesn’t really get contracted as “chais”.)

 Tu es : T’es très gentille !

Tu as : T’as un vélo, toi ?  

6.      Filler words Get rid of your “um”s and “uh”s and replace them with things like “euh”, “ben” or “fin”: Je suis… fin, je suis pas content de voir ça.

Ben, écoute, il y a plus que ça dans la vie !

7.      “du coup” This is a spoken/casual replacement for “donc” and I swear native French speakers use it in every conversation. I honestly thought it was just a random filler word for literally weeks the first time I lived in France. Any time you want to say “so” or “therefore”, try du coup instead of “donc”:

Du coup, j’ai oublié l’heure du rendez-vous.

J’ai raté le train, du coup je suis arrivé en retard.

On comprend pas les consignes, du coup on peut pas finir le projet.

8.     « N’importe quoi ! »

Okay this is a very self-indulgent because this is like. My favorite thing to say in French. It’s a very flexible phrase, and hard to “directly” translate into English. Here are a few scenarios where it works well:

·       To say « anything »: Tu peux faire n’importe quoi avec un diplôme de Business. (This might be the original usage? But not the most fun…)

·       Someone says something totally false or incorrect and you want to call them out (a tiiiny bit rudely): Mais tu dis n’importe quoi !

·       Something is ridiculous or nonsensical: C’est vraiment du n’importe quoi…

·       When someone is doing who-knows-what: Tu fais du n’importe quoi!

9.     Le subjonctif

Listen. I’m really sorry. As a native English speaker, I had no idea what the subjunctive was. We don’t inflect it in English, and there’s a shit load of irregular stems, and sometimes the use of subjunctive seems random and doesn’t follow the “rules” our teachers give us. (Welcome to language, where everything is made up and rules don’t matter.) However, it’s really common in French. Anyway, even if you don’t master this mood, there are a few common phrases and irregular forms you should pay attention to:

·       Il faut + infinitive: the easiest one. Seriously, you got this one.

·       Il faut que j’y aille : I gotta go ! (aille is from aller) (please don’t ask me what the “y” is for; it’s a pronoun for a place but like… where are you going? Somewhere… Just don’t forget it.)

·       Il faut que je fasse… : I have to do/make… (fasse is from faire)

·       Il faut que tu sois/ça soit/vous soyez … : You/One/Y’all must be…. (sois/soit/soyez is from être)

10. Complain more

You think I’m kidding ? Okay, I am a little bit. But if you have the opportunity, a little whining never hurt anyone. According to my sources, 25% of French culture is complaining.

Here’s a few phrases to try out:

Ça craint! (That sucks!)

C’est chiant, ça. (A bit vulgar, so mind your audience.)

J’ai des devoirs à faire mais j’en veux paaaaas. (really draw it out)

Mais non, c’est pas possible… (with a sense of despair)

 When in doubt, just fais la grève (go on strike).

11.Slang (argot) and swearing (gros mots)

Learning and integrating slang is… difficult. It varies regionally, it doesn’t translate directly, and if you’re only using French in a classroom setting, your teacher probably wants you to use more formal (and polite) French. BUT. It’s fun and if you spend time around native speakers in a casual setting, they will probably use a shitload of it. Here is a small selection of my favorites:

·       Bordel: literally a brothel, you can use this to say something is a mess (J’ai pas fait le ménage depuis longtemps… Mon appart’ est un bordel…)

·       Je m’en fous !: The more aggressive/vulgar cousin of “je m’en fiche” and “ça m’est égal » (all meaning various degrees of “I don’t care”), tell people you don’t give a fuck with this expression.

·       Abréviations communes : la faculté (université) becomes la fac, d’accord becomes d’acc, personnellement becomes perso, ne t’inquiète pas becomes t’inquiète (negation ? don’t know her). There are loads others, but those are the ones that come to mind right away.

·       Putain (‘tain): roughly the French equivalent of “fuck”. Use it as an exclamation, or add “de” and a noun to say “fucking (thing)”: putain de stylo ! Il y a plus d’encre !

·       Merde/marde: literally “shit”, another common French swear. Merde is the French-from-France version, marde is the Canadian-French version that I also use because I think it sounds better. Feeling really angry? Try combining it with “putain” for “putain de merde/marde” for a nice, resounding “fucking shit!”

·       Verlan: I personally don’t like/use verlan, but you might hear it among younger (teen/young adult) native speakers, especially those in urban/immigrant areas. it’s a heavily cultural kind of slang, but many words have entered “mainstream” French. Check out the french wiki for more on verlan (the English wiki is less complete re: cultural significance, but explains the form a bit). This is only on the list so you recognize what the hell people are saying when you hear it. The 2 most common ones I hear are meuf (femme) and ouf (fou).

·       Wikebec.org: If you want to learn a lot of very diverse Canadian French (including slang and swearing, which is a whole art), check out wikebec. It is all in French, so if you’re not as advanced you may need an additional French-English dictionary.

 12. Punctuation (aka I am passionate about silly things you can honestly skip this one I won’t be sad)

Wow, something about formal writing! So this is getting kind of knit-picky, and if you switch your word-processor language to French, it will do this automatically for you. Anyway, punctuation in formal French writing is a little different from English. Obviously, where and how many commas there are is very nuanced and I’m not going to get into much here, but here’s a few stylistic things to consider for the Advanced Schmoozer  Student of French™:

·       Commas in a list (virgules dans une série)

Ok so in English, I am an Oxford Comma Stan. The French have cordially invited me to go fuck myself. Here’s an English example WITH the Oxford comma, followed by the French translation withOUT the Oxford comma:

I bought milk, eggs, and fruit at the store.

J’ai acheté du lait, des œufs et des fruits au supermarché.

(The Oxford comma is the one after “eggs” in my example. It’s not there in French. It’s not a thing in French.)

·      Quotation marks (des guillemets) You may have noticed in this document that for the French words, there are some accent looking things. Those are quotation marks. In narrative writing, these bad boys are largely ignored, but if you use MS Word with a French dictionary turned on, it will automatically turn your English “ “ into French « ». (See next point for further usage instructions.) « Les guillemets français sont différents de ceux d’anglais. »

·       Extra spaces For all punctuation except periods and commas, an extra space is used. This means that colons (:), semicolons (;), quotation marks, question marks, and exclamation points have an extra space. Again, if you set your language to French, MS Word should do this automatically for you, but it looks like this:

 Tu parles à qui ?

J’étais choqué !

Il faut faire attention ; sinon on va se tromper.

Danger : entrée interdite !

Le mot « putain » est vulgaire.

Quelques ressources utiles et d’autres conseils

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all the resources that I’ve used throughout my French education. BUT, these are the ones I frequently use and find easiest to navigate.

·       www.wordreference.com Ok if you’re not already using wordreference and you are a fluent English speaker learning French, honestly what are you doing. Love yourself. It’s not perfect, but it’s by far the best online English-French dictionary I’ve used. (There is also a Spanish-French dictionary, but as my Spanish isn’t that advanced, I can’t speak personally to its accuracy.) Highlights of WR: easy to use, free app for phones/tablets, audio pronunciation for most (perhaps all?) main entries (and IPA transcription, if you know IPA), extensive phrases/expressions/idioms per entry, lots of example sentences (though not for every definition), forum with discussions of usage in context.

Just like any dictionary, pay attention to the part of speech and context: don’t just pick the first translation! Make sure it’s the version you want for your sentence.

·       https://www.linguee.fr/francais-anglais

Another good online French-English dictionary, though I don’t use it as much.

·       http://bonpatron.com/ A spelling and grammar checker! The free version has a character limit, but you can just cut your original text into smaller chunks and check it in parts instead of all at once if you pass the limit.

Highlights: Will tell you the general rule for errors it identifies (in English! As long as you make sure the “I’m a francophone” box is NOT checked), distinguishes between “double check this” (yellow highlight) and “just wrong” (red highlight), will check for feminine adjective agreement if you check the “je is feminine” box

·       www.french.typeit.org

If you don’t want to install a French keyboard, memorize keyboard shortcuts, or spend 5 minutes searching for your accents in the “insert symbol” menu of word, typeit.org offers a free, online French keyboard. You can use their shortcuts or click on the button with the accent you want. Only downside is that you gotta copy paste it back into your document, but I used it a lot back in high school for typed French assignments.

·       http://soutien67.free.fr/francais/francais.htm

Okay, hear me out: yes, this is a site for grade school teachers to help their kids learn French (as native speakers). BUT, there are a BUTTLOAD of conjugation exercises, vocabulary builders, and they all have answer keys! Available in .doc and .pdf format.

“Fiches” is where you want to go for the worksheets. It has downloadable worksheets, and then you can either choose a grade level or just start scrolling. The worksheets are organized by category, like “lire” with short stories and poems (for kids, so eh idk if that’s interesting), “grammaire” (goes more into parts of speech and such, but all in French), “orthographe” (spelling/writing rules), and “conjugaison” (our good friend verbs).

For the niveaux (levels): CP= 1st grade, when kids learn to read. These are likely not what you are looking for. CE1= 2nd grade, CE2= 3rd grade, CM1= 4th grade, CM2= 5th grade. Obviously gets more complicated/harder the higher the level.

So if you can put up with the grade school approach and you want more practice, check out what they have. (If you can’t find what you’re looking for, ask me and I will help you find what you need.)

 If you made it this far…. Félicitations. You either have too much time on your hands, are very dedicated to French, or maybe both. 

Merci et au revoir !!

#french #french resources #learning french #learn french #language learning #speaking french #casual french #french slang #french pronunciation #langblr #french language #mine #sorry about the formatting i... am too lazy to fix it #bc i copy pasted from a word doc #fle