#at this point I truly don't know if it's just period hormones or actual depression | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-nora-borealis · 6 years

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Being Me: Elijah the Bear

This bear is very special to me, as he symbolizes a towering landmark in my life and quite possibly the tallest that will ever be built upon my timeline. It's taken me quite a while to think up of a fitting name, and just as I name all things, I looked at him and said to myself, "Yes..you..look like an Elijah".

Here is the backstory of Elijah, and I hope you enjoy it:

It was a Monday afternoon, and I had arrived at my endocrinologist appointment. The drive was getting easier as my new depression/anxiety medicine was kicking in. I barely had to use the GPS for this trip, which is a little over an hour long drive on the freeway. I was calm and excited at the same time, with both my contrasting emotions firmly knowing their bounds; I was finally finding that peace when yin and yang blend together smoothly at it's parting walls.

I sat in the waiting room confidently, and this time my name was called very quickly. The nurse was really cheerful and nice, with a bit of a southern accent. She was alllll smiles and super cute with her aura brightening up the waiting room just from her standing in the hallway. She greeted me by asking how I was, and of course I responded with "I'm wonderful!".

I felt as though her sunshine was rubbing off onto me, and upgrading my already tremendous mood.

We got to the waiting room and she asked all the basic questions, as I answered them so clearly and bubbly as usual. She had this amazing and non-stop grin on her face. She checked my blood pressure and without thinking I commented on her nails while she was counting (whoops). I believe she first commented on my sparkly blue nails, but she had sparkly purple which is my favorite color. She announced that my blood pressure was great, and said "I LIKE youuuuu!" in response to how easily I answered questions and with good healthy numbers on all ends. She apologized multiple times for a few small things I can't quite recall (something very minimal), then toward the end she complimented me more and with what seemed like a few more apologies, while assuring me that if I needed anything more to just ask. Then at the end was the shocking part, that basically changed my life: She said the doctor would be in soon. I thanked her just as many times as she had apologized, and then told her that she was my favorite person, period. Then as she began to walk away, she immediately blurted out "C'mere and give me a hug!" with her welcoming arms open for business!

I gladly gave a heart-filled "aww", and then stood up without hesitation. I was so blown away how this person adored me for who I was, and it was like they loved me soooo much to the point of, I guess, I was irresistible not to hug! That day I realized that as long as one person accepts me for me, nothing can bring me down. All I have to do is keep being me, and life will just fall into place.

The doctor came in shortly, and she was just as nice and cheery. She did, however have a more slower and professional approach, yet with her own style of brightness that she carried with her. She gave me my hormone numbers, and said that everything was great. I thanked her again, as she was the one that actually convinced me of possibly needing depression medicine. I told her how if it weren't for her suggestion, and explaining to me that she also was in need of medication herself, I don't know where I'd be and that because of her my life has completely changed for the better. I told her that she was a total life saver. Then as she was walking out, she ALSO demanded a hug from me! The first hug was more than enough, but wow, at this point I was super convinced and proud of myself for finally being able to express who I truly am. Before it was like I was trying to be this artificial person for social acceptance, but all along acceptance from others was always free - I simply had to just be myself and nothing more!

I felt so joyful that day. I felt like I was finally learning how to climb out of my shell, as it's always been cracking and falling apart around me. I just needed a few more steps to finally embrace the free spirit that's been dying to come out of me for many years. My mom and I stopped to get some groceries on the way home. Inside the store I saw these giant teddy bears, and they were very inexpensive considering their size. I thought to myself, "Why not! I love teddy bears but have always been too ashamed to actually cherish them."

I grabbed one up and sat him down in the cart, as if he were a person. I pushed that cart around the store and laughed with my mom, as this was just simple and pure fun. People gave us lots of looks and smiles. The lady working at the store even looked at the bear being pushed around in a humanized fashion and let out a very gleeful "Yayyyyyyy!"

This beautiful bear represents me finally figuring out and admitting to myself that I do love and enjoy the person that I truly am. I've always had doubts about my looks and about my personality, but the nurse and doctor hugs really gave my spirits a runway to soar from. It's as if I had closure and proof that I really am this great and loving person as I thought and desired to be, with the added bonus of the feeling being contagiously mutual to others.

Future Elijah went home with me that day. I had this idea to put him in the passenger seat and buckle him in, however my mom as with me. My mom loved this idea and actually insisted on the bear riding up front, as she sat in the back! My mom is a lot of fun too, as it turnd out. It's great how since I've come out and accepted myself fully as a trans woman, I've also come to realize that I am becoming more and more like my mom each day. I'm now even becoming the social butterfly and following in her most infamous footsteps. That is the most perfect day of my life, so far, and it's something I will never forget. Every time I move Elijah from my desk chair to my bed, I'll always think of that heavenly day - The day in which I felt like a human being for the first time in my life. I guess that day, he too, has become a little less of a stuffed bear and more of a human as well.

#teddy #teddy bear #anxiety #depression #self love #transition #transisbeautiful #transgender #trans #mtf #mtf hrt #hrt #girlslikeus #writing #story

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