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silviakundera · 5 months

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I'm gonna need kunning palace to give me a lot of the main otp in the last episodes, we have 8 left (this is why I don't f*ck with this 40 ep rule because now that we're getting the main relationship the show is over and everything that came before was also necessary). I'm gonna need to see how deep JXN's love for him becomes, I know people are obsessed with dedicated ML but I enjoy otps where it's more equal and I love seeing a female lead protect and support her otp the way he does her, even if it takes a while like in ming lan she had completely reasonable issues and took a while to warm up to him but when she did she was 1000% in and showed just how much she loved him, I personally don't appreciate unbalanced relationships where it's just one party sacrificing and being a lot more dedicated no matter the genders.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS WARNING MAJOR SPOILERS

Hard to say, depends on how close they stay to the book. They've been quite faithful to the novel so far but at the point we are now is where I feel fairly confident that we're gonna diverge. Because in the novel the otp gets VERY dark before they get better. There's a reason why Xie Wei has been holding himself back & restraining his emotions. He's a whole mess of anxiety & PTSD and he has to work through his traumas. Both these characters have been a burningdog.gif meme and saying everything is just fiiiiiiiine but in the novel when they finally get alone on center stage together things get REAL because it's masks off. And underneath they are a whole mess.

imo the key to this pairing, and why we don't get a love confession from her until the very end, is what she thinks when she finally publically claims him (fittingly, she doesn't claim the lauded scholar but the unhinged figure that the public now finds monstrous):

Shen Zhiyi asked: "Ning Ning, do you know what kind of person he is?”

Jiang Xuening said, "I know."

This person forced her to kill in his previous life; even in this life, he still thought about taking her to die with him. He is definitely not a good person. How could she not know?

It can even be said that she knows better than anyone else. Because she has seen his truest and craziest side.

Shen Zhiyi asked again: "Do you like him?"

Jiang Xuening thought for a while and said, "I like him."

At this moment, Xie Wei's palm trembled slightly, but there seemed to be thousands of lights and shadows passing by in his mind, and finally there was nothing left, just staring at her blankly.

Yan Lin stood too far away, no one could see his blurred expression clearly.

Shen Zhiyi also didn't speak for a long time.

She didn't fully agree, she was afraid that her Ning Ning would be sad because of the wrong choice, but she couldn't stop her, and all her worries finally turned into one sentence: "Then you really know what you are doing now?"

Jiang Xuening smiled at her: "I understand."

And not only know what to do now, but also what to do in the future.

So calmly: "I want to marry him."

"..."

That night, he asked her once, but she didn't answer, so he never dared to ask again.

But now she says she wants to marry him. Xie Wei suddenly couldn't tell whether this was real or a dream: didn't she want to leave him and go find Zhang Zhe?

Jiang Xuening also saw that he didn't comprehend. "You are really, extremely smart, but you just don't like people."

Talking about love, this person is stupid to death.

I am too afraid of losing what I have, and I seem to think that what I have will eventually be lost, so I am paranoid, extreme, and I refuse to show weakness to others and say all those words.

Jiang Xuening felt that this person was too similar to her previous self.

There are some things that I don't understand, so I bash my head against it.

She blinked, with tears in her eyes, but took his hand, tiptoed to kiss his cool thin lips."

Part of the reason she feels so deeply for him is their deep down similarity, but the novel is Jiang Xuening's journey to love & accept herself, letting go of the pain & shame from the past. She doesn't reach this point until the end, where she recognizes and accepts her own darkness and thus his, and also believes it doesn't need to define their future. Everyone now thinks she is the saint and he's the sinner but she knows they are both.

The novel epilogue shows they are finding a peaceful life together, the urge to fight and claw at life and each other has finally passed. But though in the last 30% of the novel we get tons of couple-time, all the gestures of devotion are coming from him. She's not ready. I frankly have no idea how much the drama will change the last 30%, and it won't land the same cause I'm sure they have to tone down how scary the ML gets...but regardless I do think we won't get a confession until the last act.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

#story of kunning palace #cdrama #spoilers #meta #guuuuurl extreme doesnt even cover it 😂😭#why are u guys like this #tbh anon i dont think this will be to your taste #but we are almost there so just hang with us 😘

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winter-leftovers · 3 months

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Til The End Of Eternity || Chapter twenty three: How To Fix An Amulet (23/?)

(Douxie Casperan x f!reader)

Summary: Y/n is trying to figure her life out but is going to be hard since her brother is the new trollhunter and she is plagued by dreams and feelings she doesn’t understand.

Chapter Summary:The trollhunter team manages to escape Merlin’s tomb. Y/n doesn’t know where she stands with Jim.

Word count: 2514

Warnings: some angst, ptsd if you squint?

(Season 3 Episode 8 )

Song?: I’m Your Man by Mitski

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Masterlist

“I have missed you, father” Y/n smiles, taking one of Merlin’s hands.

“Whaaaaat?” Toby squealed.

Merlin squeezed his daughter's hand back, caressing her cheek with his other hand; Her soft skin pulled him back to the day they met for a moment. He held her cheek and kissed her forehead just like he did the day they said goodbye, only this time the smell of dead bodies and the screams of war weren’t so overwhelming.

“Father?” Y/n heard Jim’s confused voice.

She pulled back before the whispers could grow into a full on interrogation. That could wait until they were back in Arcadia.

“Well, where might my staff be?” Merlin looked around “Staff of Avalon About yea high? Emerald at the top. It is rather dashing” he continued after the lack of response.

“We might have lost it a little” Toby’s face contorted in fear.

“Lost it..a little?” Merlin turned to Y/n.

She looked down at her feet.

“Gunmar took it” Jim explained.

“Oh, is that all?” Merlin walked up to the trollhunter team “Well, it’s not the staff that’s lost, then. It’s just hope” he sighed, turning back to the stone where he slept the last century.

Y/n frowned, her eyes still glued to her feet, her fingers twisting each other trying to squeeze out the anxiety out of her body. She could feel her father passing glance, his cold gaze freezing her, mocking their attempt to get the staff. His voice was as sharp as it was in her nightmares. Merlin's irony was sharp as a knife. Always able to stab and twist in her gut without even trying.

“How’d you know we were gonna come looking for you? I mean, your staff?” Jim followed him.

“Because, Jim” Merlin stood tall, his face serious “I am your father”

A gasp erupted from Jim's chest. He looked back at the wizard, his mother’s face coming back to him. How? The little memories he had…

Y/n laughter filled up the room. Her right hand clutching her stomach, her left hand finding her father’s right arm grabbing it for balance, trying not to fall. The team’s confused faces weren't helping her.

“Kidding!” Merlin chuckled, he sat down on the table “I can glimpse into the future. It’s not a perfect gift, though”

“You expected me to be older”

“And taller” Merlin remind him

“Clearly, he foresaw our arrival here to rouse him from his slumber” Blinky got closer.

“Why were you sleeping in the first place?” Claire got closer.

“It was the cost of battle, my dear” Merlin explained.

“What battle?” Aaarrrgghh and Toby got closer too.

“The Battle of Killahead” Y/n stood behind the table.

“Excuse me, your wizard-ness, but Aaarrrgghh and I were present at Killahead, and neither of us recall seeing you there” Blinky lifted his hand “And I’ve read volume upon volume of history books, and none mention…”

Merlin nodded

“History is just an account of what supposedly happened,” he stood up and rubbing his hands together, a circle of green smoke appearing between them “but it’s rarely the full story, if ever”

“What’s this now?” Toby asked, transfix by the light

“I’m opening a window to the past”

“This is gonna be very cool if we don’t end up dying” Toby said as the light grew bigger and bigger.

After the light died, the darkness was replaced by a dark forest.

“Where are we?” Jim asked.

‘Camelot’ Y/n though. She took the lead along with her father as she looked around. Before these woods were a battlefield they were her backyard. Even if it was in her father’s memory it was still strange to be back.

“Still in the Geode Caverns. This is all an illusion” explained Merlin.

“I’ve been here…Great Gorka, this is the forest of Killahead” Blinky said

“As well as I remembered it, at least” Merlin said without turning around.

A white light blinded them and the war began. Weapons clashing, warriors screaming, cursing, praying. Through Merlin’s illusion they barely had to live the battle, they could see still frames of the creatures that were there and Y/n thanked him for that. She walked with her father, not interested in seeing more than she needed to see. She could hear Blinky reliving his glorious moment, Jim’s and Toby’s laughter. She felt her stomach turn, Killahead was something she had chosen to forget.

“I’m so sorry” Y/n heard Jim cry.

She turned and saw Jim crying to the memory of Draal. She didn’t know what to say to make him feel better, if such words existed.

Merlin looked down to her and saw in her eyes what he needed to know. He walked up to Jim, Y/n close behind.

“Come now” Merlin grabbed Jim’s shoulder “There is more to see. The real battle is over this way”

Y/n took a deep breath and followed Merlin through Killahead bridge.

“While you were focused on the battle, there were events unfolding that you were unaware of” Merlin explained.

“I supposed fighting for our lives would be a little distracting” said Blinky.

“What? That’s her! That’s…” Claire screamed.

“Morgana. Yes, the Pale Lady, The Mother of Monsters” completed Merlin.

“Ugh! I could add more names to that list” cursed Claire.

Y/n felt the roots of the trees wrapping around her ankles forcing her to watch the spectacle again. Merlin and Morgana, Morgana and Merlin. Both halves of her heart fighting against each other, both for noble reasons at heart. Y/n curses the day Morgana was led astray.

“Hey! Is that Y/n?” Toby shook Aaarrrgghh’s arm.

Behind a stone, guarding the battle was nineteen year old Y/n with her staff in hand, she remembers how much her hands were shaking. The dirt along her scared face and dress could tell you how long that day had been.

The troll looked back at her with a confused face.

“How old are you?” Toby turned back to her, horrified.

“I…” Y/n opened her mouth to talk but quickly closed back up. She didn’t know how to respond.

“None of the history books speak of this” Blinky whispered, scared to disturb the scene in front of him.

“Well, books don’t talk, for one thing” Merlin walked to the still frame of him and Morgana fighting and turned to the trollhunter team “This was the true battle of Killahead”

“You and Morgana?” Jim was confused.

“She is as ancient as I am, perhaps more so”

Y/n rolled her eyes. He had to be joking.

“Craving chaos, she sowed the seeds of dissension between humans and trollkind” Merlin continued, turning back to Morgana.

“I know her well. She’s a real headcase” Claire crossed her arms.

“Hence the Eternal Night. She realized if trolls could not survive in daylight, what if night were everlasting?”

“Gunmar and his forces could do whatever they wanted” Jim said.

“Morgana had to be stopped at any cost. It turns out…” Merlin turned back.

“That cost was your magic” Jim walked to Merlin.

“Aye. The only way to stop her was to expend almost all my power and confine her for as long as possible”

“I’m guessing “as possible” ends right about now” said Claire

“We’re doomed to wage battle once more thanks to the work of Gunmar” said Merlin

The illusion was over and they were back in the cave.

“Well, all fun things must end” Merlin rubbed the leftover magic off his palms.

Y/n shook her head trying to get the image of the battle of Killahead from her head.

“If we’re going to do anything about it, we still have to get out of here” Jim insisted.

The cave quivered.

The trollhunter team turned to the tunnel they came through.

“What’s this now?” Merlin complained.

“How is it raining underground?” Toby’s voice was shaking.

“The cave-in must have diverted the waterfall into the mountain” Blinky explained.

“So we’re not trapped, but we’re gonna drown?” Toby screamed.

The cavern growled.

“That sounds like a lot of water” said Claire.

“Centuries later, it never gets easier” Merlin sighed.

“Bet you appreciate me a lot more now” Y/n chuckled and looked up to Merlin from her place in the ground.

He looked down and rolled his eyes playfully.

“We could really use some of your awesome wizard magic to, you know, get us out of here” a big drop of water hit Toby’s head.

“I suppose that would be quite lovely. But weren’t you listening?” Merlin knocked Toby’s head “I just said I used most of it to trap Morgana. Kids these days”

“But you just took us to the Killahead Battle?” He insisted.

“That was a mere parlor trick. To escape, we’ll need the power of the amulet” Merlin turned to Jim

“That might be a little difficult” Jim scratched his head “I destroyed it to get the map so we could find you”

“Hand it over” The wizard extended his hand.

Jim pulled out the broken pieces from his pocket and handed them over to Merlin.

“Oh” the wizard was appalled “you really did a number on this thing”

Jim nervously chuckled

“Can you put it back together?” Claire asked

“Of course he can. Those very hands forged the amulet in the first place…”

“Four arms, six eyes, but he talks as if he had ten mouths” Merlin interrupted Blinky. He walked over to Claire “Of course I can, my dear. These very hands forged the amulet in the first place” his voice softened.

Y/n chuckled. Forging the amulet was something that took more than two hands. She saw her father walk over to the table she was leaning on and start putting the pieces back together.

The cave growled again reminding them that their time was running out.

“Would you please be quiet?” Merlin screamed.

“I don’t think the mountain is going to listen to you” Y/n stood up and turned to her father’s work, all the pieces were piled together impossible to distinguish from each other.

“It’s not us it’s the rubble” Toby explained, desperation dripping out of his mouth.

Merlin ignored the boy and kept fiddling with the amulet.

Y/n looked at his father's unkempt surroundings, everything would go smoother if she tightened things up and looked back at the trollhunter team doing everything that was possible to keep water as far away as possible from them. She sighed, starting to fix the pieces of metal from important to least important.

“I feel we haven’t much time” warned Blinky.

“I’m doing my best. It’s been centuries, do you understand?” Merlin kept working.

“Can we get an ETA on the fixing there, Merle?” Toby asked the wizard “do you mind if I call you Merle?”

“Not if you mind spending the rest of your life as a cockroach” Merlin turned back.

“Father” Y/n warned.

He ignored her and went back to the amulet.

Y/n sighed, making a mental note about explaining the team, especially Toby, on how to behave around an old man a thousand years ago.

A sudden wind entered through the cavern’s opening.

“Well, that felt like a breath of fresh air, huh? It was getting stuffy in here” Toby smiled.

“That wasn’t a breath” Claire said, worry all over her face.

“That was a floodgate!” Warned Blinky

Jim ran to the wizard

“You have to fix it”

“What’s it look like I’m doing? Twiddling my thumbs?” Merlin snapped back “It’s an amulet forged by magic. You don’t just snap it back together” he put down the amulet to observe his work so far.

“A piece is missing” Y/n observed.

“I gave you everything I had” Jim panicked

“Guys? The water is getting louder!” Toby screamed.

“Focus” Merlin grabbed Jim by the shoulder “We need a small piece, something that can fit right here” He pointed to the center of the amulet.

Y/n turned to Claire, her hair clips illuminating like a message from god.

“Claire, your hair clips!” She pointed out.

The girl quickly took one out and handed it to Merlin.

“Thank you, fair Claire” Merlin finished the amulet with a swift move “Here”

“Now, what am I supposed to do?” Jim took the amulet and looked back at the wizard.

“You’re the trollhunter, and you alone must tap the amulet’s true potential” Merlin said

The rocks gave in. Violent waves of water started to pour in threatening to take them apart. Jim stood in front of the water, his friends behind and Merlin behind him. With all his trust in Merlin’s words he lifted the amulet

“For the glory of, well, you, Daylight is mine to command! And Daylight will protect us!” With Daylight in hand, Jim parted the flood in half keeping everyone alive and dry.

“You’re doing it, Jimbo! I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re doing it!” Toby cheered.

Jim moved his sword, breaking an opening with the pressure of the water.

“Awesome” Y/n whispered when she felt the cold air of the trees.

“The instrument of our deaths has been turned into the means of our egress!” Blinky celebrated.

“Are you a troll or a thesaurus? I’m genuinely curious” Merlin lifted a brow.

Y/n looked back at Jim, he was kneeling down, still trying to catch his breath.

“Are you okay?” She kneeled next to him.

“How did he know I could do this?” He panted “Did you know I could do this?” He said more aggressively.

Y/n looked down. She was barely able to look at the anger in his eyes.

“I know you can do more things that you can realize, Jim” she looked up “I know you must have questions and I…probably don’t remember the answer, but Jim, I swear lying wasn’t in my plans. I lost my memory and…”

“You lost your memory?” Merlin walked up to them.

“It doesn’t matter right now” Y/n stood up, bumping with her father’s chest “I…”

Merlin grabbed her chin and checked her pupils.

“Mmmh…interesting”

“No…” she jumped away from his touch “Jim…has questions” she pushed away, walking to the border where the rocks met the trees.

“Careful” Aaarrrgghh said

Y/n nodded.

She looked up and saw the moon and wondered if Douxie’s was watching the moon too. Y/n pinched her nose. She ruined it. She found a nice family and she ruined it. What was she going to say now? She wishes Douxie could be there. She wishes Archie could be there to make a joke or some sarcastic comment that Douxie would shut down to not make her feel bad but actually, Y/n would find it funny. She wishes Al could be there. Al always had something to say about everything and nothing, so there’s never a moment where you feel alone. Maybe that’s why she leaves Al with Douxie every time.

Y/n plays with her bracelet and wonders if there would be a time where she won’t lose someone she loves.

A/n: sorry for the delay 😭😭 should i tag it as full angst or some angst is ok??

#tales of arcadia #douxie x reader #trollhunters #douxie #toa #hisirdoux casperan #hisirdoux x reader #my writing #Til The End Of Eternity

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blushedfemme · 22 days

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hi :) so i’m a 25yo femme lesbian and i’ve never had sex (has to do with growing up closeted in a strict over controlling environment) im only just now starting to have more independence and control over my life and i want to have sex. and i dont want to wait until i find something serious with someone cuz that could take a while and also i want to have experience for when i actually have a serious relationship with someone so i can be a good lover for them. tho i admit i do find it a bit scary i’m considering downloading dating apps to find people to have casual sex with next time i’m out of town. but i don’t really know how to go about it… i feel like no one is gonna want to fuck me because i don’t have any experience like how weird would it be if i’m in someone’s dms like hey i’m a 25yo virgin are u still dtf? lol .. so yeah if u have any thoughts or advice or if people reading this have advice please let me know cuz i’m a little nervous but i really want to do this..

hi lovely 💕 it sounds like you’ve had a very tough go of it and i’m so glad to hear you’re now able to have independence and control over your own life, that’s incredible ☺️

first, there is nothing weird about being a virgin at any age and no one who’s worth your time will fault you for it. i would happily have sex with someone who has no experience and there are a lot of people out there who feel the same!

i gently urge you to let go of the idea that you need to have a certain amount of real-life sexual experience before you start dating for a relationship. being a good lover is simply about communication, trust and curiosity about the other person. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: anytime someone is with a new partner, no matter how much sex they’ve had, they’re inexperienced because that particular person’s body and pleasure is brand-new to them. we are all “virgins” the first time we have sex with someone new. your future partners will be learning you at the same time that you’re learning them, and it’s beautiful and messy and real and very sexy, trust me.

in my opinion, all the experience you really need can be acquired on your own, by reading about sex (erotica, sex education, sexual health sources, etc.), watching porn that you enjoy, and by fantasizing and exploring your body by yourself. masturbation absolutely teaches you so much and is a valid form of experience. especially if you’re coming from a background of sexual repression and being closeted (i can super relate) just getting yourself comfortable with your sexuality and being horny is a whole process. but doing that will help you have better, safer and more grounded sex.

all that being said, casual sex can be great and fun and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing that, too!! a few thoughts under the readmore bc this is getting long:

always have an open convo about STIs and any other health considerations beforehand. if it feels like you can’t have that convo for whatever reason then you probably shouldn’t have sex with that person. i am guilty of being reckless with this and although i’ve been lucky so far it’s not worth the anxiety lol

be prepared to speak up!! you have to be honest about what feels good and what doesn’t, or you’re probably not going to enjoy it. people can’t read minds. it’s hard to speak up with someone you don’t know very well. our ‘niceness’ programming kicks in. you have to override it.

be very clear-eyed about expectations going in. if you’re just looking for fun, and the other person is trying to date you, that can lead to messiness and hurt. it needs to be casual for both parties.

standard safety practices apply: tell a friend where you’re going, agree on a time to check in and a protocol for if shit goes awry. trust your gut. if something doesn’t feel right, leave.

sex is a huge endorphin high, and that usually means there’ll be a crash afterward. the next day you might feel like shit and regret everything, even if in the moment you were super into it and having fun. this is normal, it’s chemicals in your brain and not a reflection on what actually happened. (unless this feeling persists or you feel icky abt something specific that went down, then talk to a trusted friend or a mental health professional if you can.) if you have a good line of communication with the person you hooked up with, just reaching out and saying “hey, i had fun the other night, i really liked it when you did _____” and letting them give you some reassurance in return can go a long way to soothe the hook-up hangover

i hope some of this helps 💗 and no matter what, going at your own pace and taking your sweet time will always feel better in the end, even though it can be tempting to rush and “make up for lost time” (speaking from experience as a late bloomer myself.) wishing you luck + lots of safe and amazing sex!! 😉

#clarke answers #ask a femme #long post

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h2llish · 4 months

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idia rambles nehehe.

i address ortho by his name, but i call ortho (dead brother) by referring to him as idia's brother.

he's an asshole. he has the biggest inferiority complex yet also a superiority complex. he'll make harsh comment about someone (usually accidental, i've come to realize), yet he's also so shitty to himself and so insecure. which is actually not as shocking as it may sound. just like how vil is both insecure and confident in his beauty, idia is obviously confident in his gaming and tech abilities, while remaining insecure, which i think stems from the isolation he experienced growing up and the loss of his brother.

so, first i want to acknowledge his social anxiety, or just anxiety in general. it's actually not too unrealistic compared to other media. anxiety comes in unassigned levels. some people experience anxiety on a quieter side, while others experience it on a level where it makes it difficult to so much as interact with someone before they're thrown into an anxiety attack. this represents idia perfectly. (i would know myself, as i had a meltdown anytime stepping a foot into public was brought up regardless of how hard i tried to step outside my house, but i got therapy and i'm a lot better. no more extreme meltdowns!)

his anxiety definitely stems from the isolation he experienced growing up. he had no one but his brother and the adults who roamed the styx halls. he had no friends, and growing up, was seen as a prodigy of sorts; he was intelligent and capable, and of course, the next shroud to styx.

and then he lost his brother, ultimately leading him into a complete meltdown that led him to building his brother into a robot. he hated himself and missed his brother so much that he ended up completely creating a new brother to cope. it was actually a terrible method of grieving, but it's not like he had anyone there to help him through it; his parents didn't seem to reach out and try to help him move on from his brother's death, and cope with the fact that he is not at fault.

he had no friends, and didn't think he could make or keep any, because of his station at styx. he seen online friends as easier to hold because there's nothing face to face, no need to explain his personal life, he held no emotional attachment that comes with irl friends.

he goes nonverbal when speaking to someone and chooses to speak using his ipad. he is so self-conscious about himself, like his looks for one, and overthinks every interaction he has. like i said, his superiority complex mostly stems from his capabilities in gaming and tech, but he has no confidence in any other aspect of his life.

i don't see many people attacking him for what he did during his overblot (ykw, trying to take over the world), which is pretty biased just because his trauma is "worse", but now i'm gonna address that.

he and his brother only really wanted to go out into the world, they wanted to be normal and make friends, and play games with those friends. but when idia tried to give them that, he lost his brother. but it wasn't his fault, he was still a child. a child who was cut off and isolated and expected to live up to expectations since he was going to take over styx in the future.

ortho is connected to his brother, ortho is his brother, just not the one he tried to replace. so, when ortho was drawn to the soul of his brother in the underworld and remembered vil's and rook's words, he felt like what he was doing was right, to help idia who had never properly grieved.

idia was never approached for what happen, he was never given the proper comfort and help in his grieving process after the death of his brother, and ortho and his brother knew that. they were two children who wanted to help their brother who was still grieving despite how much he remained unaware of that himself.

when he heard his dead's brother's voice and ortho, saying they would change the world, they could make friends, and they no longer had to live the way they do. blot built despite his curse and he overblotted because he never properly grieved. that grief and anger at himself added on until it piled over enough to go against a curse.

idia's trauma goes deep, very deep. and it's sad what he and his brother(s) went through.

if he had gained the proper grieving council he needed from his parents, maybe things would've gone differently. although his life cannot be changed, having support, and acknowledgement from his parents could've helped steer from his overblot.

although things ended okay in the end, with his brothers both there in soul, and his life no longer suffocated by isolation and a secret, it's sad that an overblot had to get him there.

#❝ ও rambles დ „#i love him #idia shroud #twisted wonderland #twst #ortho shroud

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wa-kaizen · 2 years

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YOUR PSYCHIC ABILITIES | PAC

I know a lot of people struggle with finding their talent or how to tune in with it, so I would like to help people out with this more than anything! Please trust your gut feeling when choosing. ♥︎

here are my services! please support if you are curious of more! ♡

Welcome! Scroll to your reading!

— have fun.

PILE ONE ˖°࿐

cards the world, the hanged man, king of cups

— gifts

This pile is definitely multi talented. I can see a lot of you being smiley and proud of it too. Are you perhaps a Leo? I think being an empath is a specific kind of skill, but I do think you have the heart for it to understand people and connect with them in an unique kind of way. People receive comfort in your words in ways they often don't get of others. So, I do think that allows you to connect with your abilities greatly. You can talk to the dead for sure. Let that be spirits who were born as spirits, recently passed and ones who passed years ago. Decades and further even. That's why to your ability, communication is key. You have the intelligence to make them feel welcomed and do your best and try to understand where they are coming from, as not all spirits are bad. Yes, I know, the sound of this scares you right now. That anxiety or fear you are feeling will ease. You will get used to it, accept the situation and calm down. Definitely connect well with your inner self. In order to do this, you will have to use your Intuition. YES, you are highly intuitive. Even tho you aren't the master of it yet, you are really great. You can guess really well, correct? Especially small things. You can keep doing that. With insanely small things. Very specific ones. To a point it freaks people out. Just trust yourself.

— how to access them

Honestly just stop being scared and over thinking. You are your own enemy right now. You need to trust yourself and lock out instrusive thoughts and doubts you have. They are not true, they are not you. You have to accept yourself and have a long look inside your true being. Don't be scared.

— spirit guides

They want you to talk to them already and even if the road is scary it will only lead to success.

PILE TWO ˖°࿐

cards queen of wands, temperance, five of swords

— gifts

Yours is very hard to figure out. It's very very closed off energy, as if your guides don't even want me to know. So I honestly won't be able to tell you a lot, this will be shorter than the other piles, which I apologise for. However! I do think it's something you are very confident in. You already know and are proud of your gift right? Quite arrogant about it sometimes. But you do have every right to be, your talent stands out from the crowd. May I call you a genius? You are just great! Now, I am not sure if you are aware of this gift or not, but you can also see into the future. Yes, it sounds a bit goofy, but it's true. No, not random visions like that's so raven to whoever thought that. You need to meditate in order to be able to connect with this gift of yours. It could be small visions, or big ones, sooner or later they will become true anyway. You just have to sit in quite in order for you to be able to concentrate.

— how to access them

Honestly? I have no advice for you, you already know it.

— spirit guides

They want you to be more closed off and don't just tell it to anyone, especially people you don't trust.

PILE THREE ˖°࿐

cards strenght, the star, knight of pentacles

— gifts

Alright, so! This is a very unique gift. You are able to see the animal guides of other people. Like literally see the spirit, or notice small details about someones life that allows you to know which one protects them. It's a very fun gift, not gonna lie! Perhaps you know your own too? It seems very fun, honestly you can have much fun with this. I do sense that you have an interest in astrology and can understand it quite well, right? I do think you can communicate with the universe itself very well, more than other people. The universe is a living being, so, what I am getting from this you are connected with it in an unique way. You could access any gift if you would wish to, you just have to get there. There is also something called soul languages, I do believe you can speak some, or could learn it very easily. May be connected to light healing too? Honestly, you seem one with the universe. You remind me of a moon Goddess. You are the most talented out of the three piles and definitely the most harmonic and peaceful one. I keep thinking of space when doing your reading. I also feel like this isn't your first life, so you definitely have an experience in these already.

— how to access them

Research and study! I think you like to make your own schedule and figure out what works best for you, so go ahead and do that.

— spirit guides

They aren't saying much besides that they are proud.

#tarot #tarotblr #astro #astroblr #tarot reading #psychic #psychic gifts #reading #spiritual #spirit guides #what you need to hear right now #guidance

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amelylinaa · 7 months

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went hiking ;]

i took myself and my little sister hiking recently, wanted to share some of the photos i guess

now it'll be more of my thoughts and feelings and other stuff that's probaly not important for you, if you're here for the cc - new infant stuff is being made, so stay tuned!

so I really feel like I've matured a lot, it's been one hell of a ride if you ask me about this year. Frankly speaking i've lost any meaning in my life, like at all, i didn't know what was I doing, who I was, where was I being and thoughts of future seemed so irrational, because there wasn't even any point of living till that time. I just couldn't see future for myself. In january I got diagnosed with CPTSD and things kind of started making sense in terms of my behavior, coping mechanisms, escapism etc. I've started reading reddit posts of people telling their stories of how they've coped with this diagnosis. I guess i never really fully moved on from it, so it mostly still taunts me when i suddenly remember that ah yes, i'm actually forever mentally ill, nice. But I just started to move on you know? obviously not without any help, first of all I started taking antidepressants, then my close ones were there in my toughest times, because the hardest and at the same time most familiar feeling is feeling lonely, like you'll never have someone who understands you, like you have so many relatives and people around your life, but at the same time you're so alone in your head and feelings to the point it suffocates you so much, that crying isn't even possible any longer.

What struck me the most when antidepressants started working (sadly only after 5 months from the moment they were prescribed) is that I never in my entire life felt so... alive??? I really can't remember the last time I've actually felt so balanced, I started having thoughts again (it was so shocking for me that in the beginning i actually had some big issues with sleeping, cause my mind just didn't know how to go to sleep when you're actually able to think), i got all those feelings of love back, that i never knew i was robbed of. Like i would look at my cat and actually start crying just from how much i loved her (now im just extremely happy seeing her hehe), I would look at my absolutely normal patreon/tumblr profile and get so emotional looking at how many lovely people like what i do and support me.

But this leads to another very sad thought that haunts me sometimes, that actually the way I was living all this time wasn't normal, it wasn't my quirk or character type or some other shit I would hear when talked about the way I was feeling (or rather feeling nothing). Like all this time I was always blaming myself. This really made me cry at first. Actually lots of things made me cry when I started my healing journey (now I just don't cry, it's an antidepressant thing).

Only after antidepressants started working all the other "normal" things started helping me cope with anxiety and feeling of loss and sadness like "oh just go for a walk", "start exercising", "journal", "drink more water and eat healthy". You now the shit people that never experienced depression tell you and it's not their fault they don't understand. Honestly it's actually insanely lucky for them, that they don't understand.

So writing all of the above I wanted to say that please, don't be hard on yourself, it's not your fault that you're that way, but unfortunately it's only you who can actually trully help yourself. Even if it seems like there's no point in doing anything and life seems meaningless, remember that there still can be things worth living for, even the smallest ones like who's gonna pet all the doggies and kitties??? or who will download all the most prettiest loveliest most perfectly done clothes by the best creator (me) on patreon/tumblr ever????hehehe. Life is unfortunately meaningless, if you don't give any meaning to it, and it's not your fault that you can't find it, just give yourself time.

I'm absolutely not even remotely close to healing (and honestly I don't even know if it's really possible with CPTSD), but I'm definitely feeling better. Actually I'm feeling kind of down right now, but that's ok!! Because well I'm sure sad for a reason and I'm just trying my best to embrace it and fully feel sad I guess, so I can move on and feel peaceful again, until a new emotion comes and I'll try to feel it again, because that's what apparently humans do as I've learned after taking antidepressants.

Hey, you've read all the way to here, woah, you know that I'm proud of you? And not just beacuse you've read my stupid thoughts, but just because you're here with us, you're very strong and I'm very proud of you.

stay safe, love you all to the moon and back,

your silly girl, Ame <3

#idk how to tag this #thoughts #my thougts #just cptsd things #living with cptsd #cptsd recovery #mountains #hiking #backpacking

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shittyclive · 3 months

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if you’re comfortable sharing it, I am very much interested in the plural Hershel Layton thoughts!!!

. -still bigender Clive anon I don’t know how better to communicate that but I am not coming off anon I would die of anxiety

SO heres literally where it started and where i ended up.

i think a baseline for why i thought he would be an interesting fit to explore in a plural sense is that we dont really get a good look at his thought process in the actual games. there could be anything going on in there. there could be guys in there.

then i considered that he has quite an impactful amount of trauma (a huge piece that he himself described as being "repressed" having happened in childhood) throughout his life, and he would probably have some kind of trauma holder/protector to keep it from him. especially considering i think the first time he cried since randall fell was during lost future (thats ~20 years).

i wouldnt consider him a very distinct system, much closer to something like a median system. very closely knit together, this being due to not only how hard he represses his own feelings and issues, but that most of his trauma occurred in his late teens/adulthood. also, again, we dont get to know much about his thought processes, which gives me the idea that he's got a covert system that hides itself and works very internally (he probably doesnt even need to switch unless theres a big emotional disaster)

so in my eyes, at bare minimum, he's got: 1. protector/trauma holder 2. guy to discuss things with and bounce ideas off of

i also started thinking about a guy who would play devils advocate during these internal discussions? which stems from layton's clear understanding of the villains in the series (yet seemingly not understanding the feelings of flora, so this sort of analysis is probably situational).

fuck it im just gonna paste in the discussion i had with pip @soweli-musi under the cut

and heres an edit of that hting with vincent

i dont know i'll probably end up having more thoughts on it in the future but heres where this wonderful morning lead me. o^_^o

#azran legacy spoilers #miracle mask spoilers #if anyone bitches about my light mode i kill them

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thegoldenuzi · 1 year

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Someone recently explained social anxiety to me social anxiety in correlation to spirituality. They said “Anxiety is simply your ego mind going against what your higher self knows to be true.”

The ego mind is only there to protect itself. We live life on autopilot and feed into so many distractions that fuel that ego mind. Our higher self knows us, knows our desires, knows how, why, the present, the future, it has all the answers. It takes care of the work but we as humans refuse to surrender to what we want because of that ego mind. The ego mind has us convinced that rejection is the end of the world.

We reject ourselves before we even give anyone else a chance to. We create these stories about what other people think of us without them even knowing we exist. We add meaning to the smallest interactions and manifest that rejection. And it feels so bad on the inside because it’s literally our ego going to war with God. You are God. You determine what experience you’re having by the meaning you give. Even if something is objectively bad or someone tells you no, you have the power to decide it’s relevance to you. You can decide that doesn’t matter and chalk it up to a simple detour on your path. Before you even react negatively to it remind your self that it could be leading you to what you want regardless. It doesn’t mean what your ego thinks it means. Your higher self knows you’re protected and that it works out perfectly in the end. We just have this need for control.

This is a lesson I’m gonna work with more in my life because my social anxiety has been bad for a while. But this perspective has had me noticing where I can drop that fear and take that leap of faith. Complimenting a stranger when I go out, not overthinking when people look at me and assuming it’s negative. Just notice the little things and remind yourself that you are okay. 🌹

#social anxiety #spirituality #law of attraction #law of assumption #manifesting #neville goddard #manifesting mindset #manifestation #loa #master manifestor #manifesting advice #ego mind #affirmations #loassumption #conscious creation #create your reality

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kylethedwampyversefan · 8 months

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Top 7 Libby Stein-Torres Moments.

*What your about to see is a list I have done on twitter back in June of this year https://twitter.com/k_narrow/status/1672244998467624961

Which I also posted on deviantART as well.

So before you see this list, I want to remind you that Like Father Like Libby and any other episodes soon after aren't on this list since they haven't aired yet. So without further ado, here's my top 7 Libby Stein-Torres list.*

LIBBY STEIN-TORRES IS AWESOME!!!

Out of all the characters in The Ghost and Molly McGee, the one I enjoy watching the most is Libby hands down.

She’s a great character, she’s relatable, has a great personality, has a lot of great jokes, able to help her friends.

So, to commemorate Season 2 of The Ghost and Molly McGee as well as Libby’s Theme Song Takeover, I am counting down the top 7 best things that Libby has done.

The rules for this list are simple, any Libby moment counts as long as Libby is part of the main focus. That’s pretty much it. Also, just a heads up, Libby’s Theme song Takeover will not be on the list simply because that came out BEFORE this list was made. If I redo this list in the future, you bet it will be on there.

Also, at the time of this posting, “Like Father, Like Libby” Or any other future Libby episodes for that matter, hasn’t come out yet either so if anyone’s wondering why, there’s your answer.

So, without further ado, I present to you…

Number 7:

The Stress Girlz (Broken Karaoke)

Okay, I’m cheating because this isn’t from The Ghost and Molly McGee, but screw it, this is a great moment from a series of music video shorts and I always wanted to talk about this for a long time.

Disney TVA worked with NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, to create a music video about anxiety.

As a result, we got The Stress Girls a music group consisting of Candace Flynn from Phineas and Ferb, Marcy Wu from Amphibia, Gloria Sato from Big City Greens, and of course Libby Stein-Torres herself, and they picked the best characters for this song.

The song is called “Ways We Feel Anxious” a parody of the Descendants 2 song, “Ways to be Wicked”. And the song goes on and talk about the way other people feel anxious, Candace talks about her brothers, Marcy brings up the time where she sent her, Anne and Sasha to Amphibia, Gloria talks about how she wants to do art and poetry but is working on a café, and Libby talks about how she worries about her pet Turtles while on vacation.

The best part of this song is how the girls sing about how there’s no shame when you feel stressed…

“No shame when you feel so much stress. You’re trying your best. There’s so many ways we feel anxious. Life can be a bit of a mess. But take some solace you’re human. It’s OK to feel this.”

This is a music video that people who have anxiety like I do should see. It’s a great song with a great message and remember, There’s no shame when you’re feeling stress. A-N-X-I-O-U-S.

Number 6:

Trolling “Milly” (Scratch the Surface)

Near the end of the halfway point of Season 1, one of the running stories of the season was Molly not showing Scratch to anybody especially Libby. But it gets to a point where Libby is slowly figuring it out, at least that’s what Molly and Scratch think.

So, in order to keep her friendship with Libby Molly comes up with a great solution….be Canadian and Molly’s cousin……OF COURSE!!!

Enter Milly, Molly’s Canadian “Cousin” and Libby’s new friend. Libby of course didn’t buy it and as a result she decides to just play along….and it leads to one of the funniest moments in the entire show.

First off, look at this freaking grin. You know she is gonna have fun with this.

She gives “Milly” A burger soaked in Maple Syrup, which Molly hates. And the best part, taking “Milly” to a magic show….and Molly hates magic. And oh boy is this scene glorious, First off, Molly is having a firkin breakdown, Libby is looking like she’s enjoying it and then there’s Scratch who looks worried for Molly. It’s just a great scene. And immediately Molly decides to drop a Milly act right away.

That’s technically why it’s low on the list, because it is short but it had a LOT of laughs.

Now I’m well aware that the scene also leads to one of the sadder moments of the show, but I will tackle it a later entry on this list.

But I gotta say, this is one of Libby’s funniest moments hands down. XD

Number 5:

Libby vs. the Story Sprite (Book Marks the Sprite)

While Libby has some great moments in Season 2 so far, This scene in particular stands out from all the rest.

For those who don’t know Libby’s Mom runs a Bookstore in Brighton and while she’s out doing some errands, she asks Libby to run the store while she’s gone. And things go to hell when a little ghost called a Story Sprite begins to eat the words out of all the books in the store and on top of that, Ollie Chen, part of a family of Ghost Hunters and Molly’s love interest tries to find ghosts in the bookstore. Molly takes care of Ollie, while Libby and Scratch try to stop the Story Sprite and split up doing….

…. whatever the hell this is. While Molly took care of Ollie, Libby and Scratch have a hard time dealing with the Story Sprite. Apparently not only can a Story Sprite eat the words out of books, but in order to defend itself…. well….

Anybody familiar with Tamaki Amajiki aka Suneater from My Hero Academia who has a quirk where he turns himself into whatever he eats?

Yeah, the Story Sprite has that ability too. If it eats the word, Minotaur, he becomes one, he becomes Dracula if he eats the word Vampire. And so on.

But this leads to an idea from Libby who decides to make the sprite eat her own journal and as a result he turns into Libby herself.

And it’s not just a transformation, the Sprite ends up acting like Libby from her personality and her anxiety about ruining the bookstore. As a result, Libby managed to convince the Story Sprite to return all the words back into their books by barfing them out……ew.

And in the end, it looks like Libby and the Story Sprite gets along in the end.

This is a fun episode. The stuff with Molly and Ollie was good, but Libby taking on the Story Sprite was the best part. Definitely check this episode out if you’re a fan of Libby.

Number 4:

Libby vs. Scratch (Friend-Off)

So, after the events of “Scratch the Surface”, Libby finally finds out about Scratch. And they don’t get along well at first.

To fix this, Molly plans a scavenger hunt in order for them to become friends. To say it doesn’t go well would be an understatement

To Libby and Scratch, Molly deserves only one of them, so instead of getting along, they use a scavenger hunt to prove who Molly’s true friend is. (Leading to a great song where Libby and Scratch fight in a Coliseum trying to impress Molly who for some reason acts like she’s the emperor of Rome deciding who the winner is.)

But when Molly’s life is in danger, both Libby and Scratch come to an understanding that Molly cares for both of them and decide to work together to save her.

I plan to talk about this in a future entry but both Libby and Scratch make great foils for Molly in different ways. And it’s great to see these rivals become the best of friends.

Number 3:

I Have a Voice (Talent Show)

The last three entries on this list are what makes Libby a great character in her own right. One of the best episodes of The Ghost and Molly McGee IMO is Talent Show. An episode where Libby accidently signs up for talent show but has a bad case of Stage fright. She also plans to sing a song in the talent show but the big problem is that she does not sing well to put it mildly. But Molly doesn’t tell her this until the last minute…. because she’s Molly. This causes Libby to panic and immediately think of something at the last minute and that ended up with Libby turning a song into a poem. And it worked. Not only did Libby conquer her stage fright but she managed to make a great poem for her performance and everyone loved it including her Mom.

I love this episode because like the Stress Girls segment, it’s relatable and very memorable. Plus, Lara Jill Miller, the voice of Libby does a great job voicing her in this episode.

Definitely one of Libby’s best episodes and the I Have a Voice segment is the reason why.

And now we get to the last 2 entries on the list. And I have a lot to say about both of them.

Number 2:

Libby and Molly’s Friendship (Various Episodes)

You can argue that I’m cheating that I’m adding various episodes to one entry but I don’t care. Libby’s Friendship with Molly is one of her best moments In my opinion and it deserves to be talked about.

While “First Day Frights” is where Molly was introduced to Libby, it wouldn’t be until “Howling Harriet” that their friendship began. Throughout the episode, we see Libby making some kind of bracelet. When the ghost of Howling Harriet terrorize the campers, it was up to Molly and Libby to make some fake toes….it makes sense if you saw the episode, and stop Harriet’s Rampage. The episode ends with Molly deciding to be friends with Libby but Libby asks her first and they became friends ever since.

Libby is not only a great friend to Molly but in a way, they are complete foils for each other. You have Molly’s happy and positive attitude and determination in contrast with Libby’s anxious personality. But then you have Libby who’s down to earth personality contrast with Molly’s confident nature.

They make a great bond but that bond will no doubt later be tested many ways. One of which was in “Mazel Tov, Libby” where Molly tries to give Libby the best Bat Mitsvah she ever had by making it fancy and invite a lot of people. However unbeknownst to Molly, Libby never wanted that in the first place. She only wanted a small party with just her Mom, her family and Molly who is probably the first true friend she ever had…. more on that later. Point is, Molly decides to set things right by reverting everything back to normal by scaring the guests off with Bats…. don’t ask and Molly and Libby had a great time after that.

That’s a great moment but then the biggest test of their bond comes in “Scratch the Surface”. So throughout mostly half of the first season, Molly has been hiding the existence of Scratch to Libby during the show. And lately it’s getting too much to handle to the point where Libby is getting suspicious. So, she thinks of a great idea….and it blew up in her face when she created her Canadian cousin, Milly. I talked about the whole trolling Milly scene earlier on this list but after that. Libby encounters Molly red handed…. or blue wigged and Libby thinks that she knows what is up with Molly. Long story short she thinks she was possessed by a Canadian Brain Slug…. because Canada is famous for its Brain Slugs…. Libby you’re my favorite character but you were overthinking it. Of course, that isn’t the case and Libby immediately thinks that if it wasn’t a Brain Slug, it could only mean one thing, that Molly doesn’t want to be friends with her. Obviously, that’s not the case but Libby then says probably one of the saddest lines in the show.

“This has happened before. I thought you were different.”

Ever since I heard that line, I had a theory that Libby never had a friend to begin with during her time in Brighton. Any friend that she had before Molly came along probably stopped being friends with her or just doesn’t want to be with her.

Libby never had a true friend throughout her life……that is until Molly came along. And that line, kind of solidifies my theory.

But of course, their friendship isn’t over, Scratch after seeing Molly upset decides to let Libby see him…. which then leads to Scratch and Libby fighting each other in “Friend-Off” but I already talked about that.

Bottom line, Molly and Libby’s friendship has had its ups and downs and there will be more ups and downs as time goes on. But no matter what happens their strong bond of friendship will always stay strong.

And as great as Molly and Libby’s friendship is, it doesn’t hold a candle to what is in my opinion, Libby’s favorite moment.

So, without further ado……

And my Number 1 best Libby Stein-Torres moment is…

Still Lit (Festival of Lights)

Festival of Lights” is in my opinion, the best episode of The Ghost and Molly McGee hands down and when it comes to what I think the best Libby moment or best moment in the show overall, I point to this scene.

Basically, Brighton experience a power outage and only the bookstore that Libby’s Mom owns has a working generator. What follows is a series of segments represented by a Menorah candle. There’s a scene where Scratch and Libby sing a song about Deep Fired Food, there’s a segment where Libby, Molly, Scratch and Darryl play with a Dreidel and the winner gets all of the chocolate coins, There’s even a story about how the Stein-Torres family moved to America during WWII.

But to me, the best part of this episode is this scene where Libby tells the story of Hannukah.

And today I am shocked at how well executed this scene is. You have the animation which is not only beautiful, but also adds a bit of atmosphere to this scene.

You have the great voice acting of Lara Jill Miller who does a fantastic job voicing Libby in this scene. This scene alone has solidified my opinion that Libby is Lara’s best role. More than Kari Kamiya from Digimon, more than Lisa Loud from The Loud House, even Juniper Lee doesn’t hold a candle to how great Lara does voicing Libby.

And you have the music which also adds to the atmosphere of the scene just like the animation does.

Also, if you noticed during this scene, Libby is telling this story to a bunch of people further solidifying, that Libby has mostly gotten over her stage fright just like in “Talent Show”. Libby sure has grown as a character.

This scene is Libby’s best moment hands down. And hopefully you can see why it’s my Number on best Libby Stein-Torres moment.

And that’s the Top 7 Libby Stein-Torres moments. I hope you enjoy looking at this.

Will I do more favorite moments list with other Molly McGee characters? Maybe but for right now, I got other plans in the works.

Until then,

This is Kyle the Dwampyverse Fan, see you next time.

#the ghost and molly mcgee #libby stein torres

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daisydays-26 · 8 months

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I feel compelled to make this post for whatever reason so here it goes. This is a really personal post (i mention homophobia and anxiety) so if you don’t want to come to my blog for that content feel inclined to ignore this.

So, I’m really young. I’m 19 (at the time of writing this) and until very recently I thought I was straight. Yes, until April of this year I was in the closet to even MYSELF, which there’s no problem with, of course. Everyone discovered themselves at their own time.

I, however, have grown up in a very Christian household in the south section of the good ole USA. You can imagine how most gay people are treated behind closed doors. That’s not to say people are getting rampantly abused or outcast where I’m from, but I did have to grow up with lots of homophobia and transphobia as of recently being spit out from my parents (mostly my mom).

That’s scary. I used to always feel bad when it was said but now when it’s me they talk about without knowing… It’s different. Additionally, being Christian doesn’t help. I love God, always will. I consider myself a Christian despite being queer and I always will. I always thought the LGBTQ community should be welcome in the church. Why would God turn away his own children from his word? He wouldn’t.

Nevertheless I’m scared for my future. Nervous is closer to how I feel. I worry about losing my parents and such. Religious guilt. There was a time very recently where I overly worried about my relationship, about being a “sinner,” and a disappointment. All these feelings got jumbled up and it lead to a lot of anxiety. I overthought everything thinking about the future and what could happen. I was crying in class it was so bad.

In fact, my August kind of sucked bc I was adjusting to moving into my apartment, dealing with a bunch of issues for the new semester, and grappling my new found gayness in one month. It double sucked bc I was originally excited about all of these changes. Oh well.

Having calmed down, I feel way better! I’m sure I’m not the only person dealing with overwhelming anxiety, the social issues that come with being gay, being gay in more conservative situations, or hey even all three! So I just want to share some advice I’ve been thinking about.

Literally, don’t worry about it.

And I don’t mean don’t think about it. These anxieties could very well be for a reason. However, the more I thought about my worries the worse I felt. I was trying to fix a situation that didn’t exists, and my mind kept shutting me down every time. It’s not fair to me. And it’s not fair to you either.

So I forced myself to be in the moment. I can enjoy the wonderful love I’ve found in my queer relationship and with my queer friends. I can enjoy God’s love I find in that too. I can worry about the future when it gets to me.

Life is meant to be lived. It’s not perfect. And sometimes it’s messy. But you have to let it be messy when it’s ACTUALLY messy. You can’t re-vacuum a floor that you just vacuumed bc it COULD get dirty in the future.

I think the best way to say what I’m trying to say, is to think of anxiety as a fire. If you give the fire more oxygen by watching it and thinking about it, it’s gonna grow and get out of control. But if you let the fire just be a fire, and you don’t hold anything to it, it’s eventually going to dwindle out. There’s plenty of factors that randomly spike out anxiety, it’s ensuring you don’t feed into it and let it consume you that’s important.

Idk if this was helpful at all I mostly just wanted to share what I’ve been dealing with. I’m kind of a whole new person now and I feel like she’s worth sharing. I hope this helped someone, especially if you feel like you’re in a very similar situation. Trust me, you’re never alone.

#personal #rant #text #sorry guys you can ignore this if you want #advice #coming out?#idk

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heavencasteel420 · 2 years

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Some of the takes on Jonathan’s doom-spiraling at the junkyard in S4 make me think that the people saying them just don’t know a lot about anxiety. The ones I’ve seen most are:

Jonathan actually wants to break up with Nancy;

Jonathan definitely wants to marry Nancy and have kids with her (often used as a “gotcha” for people who think Steve’s van monologue shows that Steve and Nancy wouldn’t be a good couple);

Jonathan is right about the future of their relationship.

The first point I think is pretty plainly ridiculous. Jonathan thinks he has to stay in Lenora Hills for his family, and he thinks that this will doom his relationship with Nancy sooner rather than later. If he did want their relationship to end for whatever reason—he wasn’t happy with her, or he was interested in someone else, or he was rethinking his sexuality, or he felt they were incompatible—wouldn’t things be easier for him? He might worry about hurting her by ending the relationship and feel guilty, but I don’t think he’d be afraid of ruining her whole life.

The second point is what really makes me doubt people’s experience with anxiety. Whenever I’m in a spiral like that, I never stop at the likely outcomes of the situation I’m worried about. It’s never been “I’ll get a mediocre grade on that law school exam, causing my middling GPA to stay middling instead of improving slightly”; instead, it’s “I will fail all my classes and have to drop out with no career prospects.” Jonathan freaks out over the outcome that would be the least bearable to him: that he ruins Nancy’s life, loses her, and alienates his hypothetical children. He’s not going to doom-spiral about an amicable divorce where neither he nor Nancy abandons or uses the kids as pawns, or a childless divorce, or a regular break-up, or a situation where Nancy decided to be with him (long distance or otherwise) and is content with her decision. That’s not as scary as imagining that he’ll become his hated father.

(That’s not to say he doesn’t want to marry Nancy or have kids, but I don’t think that speech is compelling evidence either way. I also don’t think it’s a problem that Steve wants kids with Nancy, per se; it’s the number of kids and the fact that he leads with that scenario.)

As to the third point…anxiety spirals aren’t known for their accuracy. Anxiety makes you overestimate threats, not assess them correctly. Ignoring the fact that it makes no sense for Jonathan to attend LHCC now that his family is back in Hawkins, and that Nancy’s probably gonna have to take an apocalyptic gap year, I think these are three most likely outcomes of Jonathan telling Nancy about his plans:

She talks him out of it. She totally plays dirty by telling Joyce about it. Next thing you know, he’s going to Emerson or going to a college reasonably nearby or working full-time in Boston to be near her while saving for college or possibly spending one year at community college before transferring near her. It’s possible that this turns out badly for him, financially and/or psychologically, and he resents her, but it’s also possible he looks back and thinks “oh thank god.”

She dumps him for lying to her and letting her make major decisions about college while hiding crucial information from her. This would be a devastating breakup for both of them, given their depth of feeling for each other and all they’ve been through, but he doesn’t have to worry about ruining her life, and they can both start to move on eventually.

She’s upset but understands where he’s coming from, and they continue to be in a long-distance relationship, which may or may not last.

I don’t think she would’ve moved to California or changed where she was going to college at all. That’s never been how their relationship has gone. If Jonathan weren’t thinking with his lizard brain, he’d realize that.

#jancy #stranger things #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler

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andvys · 2 years

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Thank you 🥺❤️ and exactly I don’t want my feelings hurt again. Half of the things he’d do were unintentional but sometimes I wonder. There was two fucked up things he did right in front of my face. He knew I was there but he still did it and I’m sure it was unintentional but every time I remember it makes me so sad and disappointed in myself that I would do anything for him /: it was the like ultimate angst 😂 something maybe you’d write about lol but basically it was after this award ceremony. He got chocolates and flowers for someone else after him and I had talk about our feelings for each other two days before and we came to this understanding. I thought we were on the same page but apparently not because he went and did that. Right in front of my face. Literally like 5ft away from me. The worst part is that I thought they were for me. 🙃 I cried so much. I remember turning around and making eye contact with a friend and I just broke down. I drove home thinking I was done crying but I got home and the tears came out again, I remember the whole day I was a mess lol. AND on the note that it’s so stressful and anxiety inducing at this age, I’m with you on that. I have so much stress about the future and where I’m supposed to be headed. I’m learning to focus on the present though. Because if I focus so much on the future and stress over it I’m not gonna take advantage of life right now. Distractions are a must for me. Especially when I over think. It’s why I like reading your stuff so much. Even though there’s so much angst (which I love) it’s so cool to read because you see how things progress between characters and such. I think it’s great that it keeps me on the edge of my seat lol I love smut and fluff just as much though but I looooveeee the slow-burn because of the tension that leads to the fluff 😂

-💃🏻💅🏻

P.s. I apologize for writing such a long ask lmao 😭

Of course! 💗 AND OMG NOOOOO!!! yeah, he definitely doesn’t deserve you. Screw him! You don’t talk about your feelings for someone and then do some affectionate shit like that for a whole other person! I’m so sorry that he hurt you so much. You don’t deserve any of this shit. I hope you’re feeling better now 🥹

And that’s so accurate! Worrying about the future gives you too much anxiety anyways and we don’t even know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. So we just gotta make the best of now, make changes that we need or want NOW. And also just live in the moment! & omg that makes me so happy! I’m so glad you enjoy it all this much 🥹🫶🏼💗

and please don’t ever apologize for sending long asks, i’m glad you’re feeling comfortable enough to send me asks and talk to me 🥹

#andy’s asks #💃🏻💅🏻 anon

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gemcuare · 2 years

Text

Mama of Two

Every year on the first Sunday in May, International Bereaved Mother's Day honors mothers who have lost a child. It's also a day to recognize women who cannot be a mother due to infertility or other health reasons. One of the hardest days for many women around the world as Mother's Day.

TRIGGER WARNING mention of loss

So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you

It’s been a little over four years now since I started this motherhood journey. Even my last proper blog entry here was about Maternity... an experience I wanted to write about in a series. But obviously, four years have passed since and my son has now grown into this wonderful, cheeky big boy (family also moved from Korea to New Zealand)! I just wrote about the second trimester the last time I sat to blog here and now I am at this stage of getting him his first soccer shoes and having his primary school enrolment lined up. Time sure did fly!

But as the title of this entry suggests, I also have a second child. And that, after gathering some courage, I promised myself to write. Nothing inspiring or interesting like that. But still something I hold close to my heart and will read back in years to come. Anyway...

In September 2020, after a year or so of anxiety from secondary infertility (my hormones have always been at odds with me for forever) while trying to conceive Baby #2, I received the miracle of an answered prayer... and that was the wanted pregnancy.

It was the 7th week (October), instead of an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat, I found myself waking up from an emergency surgery. While I was in bed, the surgeon stopped by, showed me photos of my uterus, the right fallopian tube where the fetus was in, the beginning stages of internal bleeding-- the cold clinical diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy, and the successful laparoscopy. From a medical and moral standpoint, the pregnancy was not viable, the internal bleeding was life-threatening, so termination was inevitable.

Compassionately, the doctors expressed their sympathy and added a hopeful “Next time we hope to see you in the maternity ward (to deliver a baby)...” I sighed a sigh of relief, thanked them for saving my life, and got myself ready for the road to recovery.

Or not.

It didn’t take long from the “I can’t believe it, we’re gonna have another baby!” to turn into “I can’t believe I lost a baby.”

Just as two lines on a pregnancy test could easily lead to a future family of four... until something goes wrong and your worst fear is realised.

From Congratulations to I’m sorry.

From dream come true to living a nightmare.

From exciting to traumatic.

From thanking God for an answered prayer to being angry at God for the tragedy.

Grief. Yes, it has become very much a big part of me since that day of my surgery. Since becoming a mother. Of. Two.

6 years ago, when I lost my father at 52, grief entered and changed me and scarred me for life. Then...

It happened again.

Not long ago, I was happy and hopeful... now I’m walking this sometimes painful, sometimes numbing, always lonely road of grief. My incision scars have long faded and all. I even forget that I had a body part gone. But not the part of my Mama heart that died.

I often listen to Bethany Barnard’s song, Tears on Your Face. A raw and beautiful song coming from grief... one of my go-to songs for comfort to ride a wave of grief or anger that knocks the wind out of my faith.

You don't fast forward me through this And I've gotta reconcile that You want to know me when I'm like this And I've gotta reconcile that You didn't change the diagnosis And I've gotta reconcile that You've reconciled it all in Your flesh

And like her, I’m still trying to make sense of my life post the loss.

It’s now 2022, I’m living through a global pandemic, inflation, and war but I’ll shamelessly admit that I’m still hung up on losing that baby. There was even a phase... whenever I heard someone complain about something, and while listening, looking like I was empathizing, but mentally I was raging. So? But I lost my baby...

The weather sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

Traffic sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

The housing market sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

COVID sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

The government sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

Everyone around me moved on in life. And to me, that felt wrong. But that was just my grief.

I couldn’t stand pregnancy and baby related posts on social media. But that was just my grief.

I gave my son extra hugs thinking bitterly that he might be an only child. But that was just my grief.

I stopped praying. I was scared that instead of giving, God will keep taking away from me. But that was just my grief.

On better days, I find comfort in knowing that my baby is Home in Glory, like my Papa. That she (or he) won’t have to experience the struggles of living in this fallen world, she was spared of suffering and evil. And that I will meet her. Even if it’s for the first time. Because God made her soul, she exists. I’ll always be her mum and she will always be my child. God is good. I’m gonna be okay.

On difficult days, I am far from okay. Hours of stuffing my face in a pillow, stifling the ugly bawling. Here I go again, mourning...

I know that I’ll be brokenhearted for a very long time... I’ve read so many stuff coming from mothers who lost children from every stage of pregnancy or infancy... In Reddit, Facebook groups, Youtube’s comment section. Mothers mourning for 10, 20, 50 long years. Crying about someone they’ll never know in this life but alive and loved, forever carried in their hearts. So much grief and pain.

This is the world of bereaved mothers. A place no Mama deserves to find themselves in. A life I didn’t want to know and am crippled with.

I am all here to celebrate my son’s milestones. Absolutely! but also a part of me will grieve for the other one who didn’t make it...

Knowing what I know, I hoped to go through it all again, you see. Having been through pregnancy, babyhood, and now childhood through raising my son... I was going to be an improved version, not like a first-timer. But instead, I am in a loop, hounded by what-if’s and could be’s... I never thought it’ll be silently devastating. The trauma is so sneaky, out of nowhere it messes with me.

I wasn’t prepared for it-- the unbearable thought of never knowing.

The sound of your heartbeat.

The sleepless nights. The cuddles and kisses.

What you’d look like. Your smile. Your frown.

What you’d sound like. When you call me “Mama.”

I wasn’t prepared for it-- the guilt.

I was supposed to keep you healthy and safe and alive. But instead, from the womb, I couldn’t. For all I know, you were a perfectly healthy baby, but to preserve my life, yours was cut short. I gave up my right tube for my right to live. For my health and future’s sake. While you were just getting started, cells still multiplying, your tiny heart still beating. *SNIP* Tube removed. That was it?

I feel like I should be very sorry. Why, my poor baby, you had to go that way?

I wasn’t prepared for it-- a future of missing someone.

When we take a family picture, Christmas, New Year, birthdays, and every June. I can just see you there, you were going to turn 2.

So it’s just right to not ever forget you. I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ll make sure your brother knows you. But even if it’s just me, I’ll cry when I think of you, when you were given to me and when I lost you. I’ll still imagine you could have been my little girl or boy, someone to cherish and be proud of. Always part of the family I’ve always wanted...

You belong here.

And on That Day, when I face you, I can say that in my life, in my own way, no matter what, Mama’s here and I love you.

Helpful Links:

13 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Baby Loss

Things Not to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Pregnancy/Infant/Child Loss Support

An Unexpected Family Outing

P.S. To family and friends and co-workers who have been there for me, and prayed for me, I also want to say THANK YOU again. I may not be in a better place yet emotionally, and even my faith walk has nothing to show for it... Two years on, know that I’ll always be grateful.

#InternationalBereavedMothersDay #babyloss #ectopicpregnancy

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