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enragedbisexual · 4 years

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how wonderful life is while you’re in the world

carolmaria; angsty bc of some misunderstandings n shit but it ends on a good note i promise <3

also on ao3

The pain, Maria remembered, had once felt as heavy as the boxes they had carried into their first apartment, as sharp as her ex girlfriend’s wit. She remembered it being so overwhelming, so suffocating. That’s what it would have been like for me out there, Maria often thinks, now. Suffocating.

“Out there,” was Maria’s two syllable euphemism for a one syllable word that terrified her: space. Space—the infinite, alien world where Carol had been, while Maria was at home, lost and bitter and angry. And achingly alone.

She didn’t feel any resentment or anger of any kind when it came to Carol; she never could. And besides, in this case, she certainly didn’t have a reason to. Whatever Maria had been feeling all those years, whatever seemingly impossible struggles she went through, she knew Carol couldn’t have been doing much better. Part of Maria was grateful she didn’t know where Carol was that whole time, or what she had been doing, because if she had, god knows how much worse life would’ve been. It wouldn’t have only been her pain, it would’ve been Carol’s too. If she had known Carol was out there, somewhere, not with her? That they were both alone? It would’ve been unbearable.

When Carol came back, though, Maria went through everything all over again. Except this time, it was—notably—worse.

It didn’t start out that way, of course. For a few, fleeting seconds, in fact, it was the complete opposite. It was euphoria.

When Maria saw Carol again, after six years—six years of hoping and wishing and giving up and inevitably starting all over again—an inexplicable sensation had whirled through her entire being. The feeling was something that, to this day, Maria struggles to truly characterize or express. The only thing that even comes close to the way she felt on that day, is the way she felt on another, very different day, in the summer of 1984.

That summer was vibrant, it was electrifying; it was karaoke nights that rescued them from distant, trepidatious days. And it had been on a particularly loud, dizzy night, after a particularly long and weary day, that Carol had kissed Maria for the first time. It was that feeling, multiplied by a thousand. A million, even. That was what went rushing through her veins when Carol came back.

“Aunty Carol? Mom! It’s Aunty Carol!”

Monica’s words felt cruel, at first, like the universe didn’t think Maria had suffered enough. But then Maria turned around, and she looked at Carol with her own eyes. Carol held her gaze, and suddenly Maria was the one who wasn’t really there. She was in the bathroom of a bar and she was nineteen and it was the end of July, and she had her eyes closed and her back against the door and Carol’s hand on her waist. That was the feeling.

Just as soon as it had been given, the feeling was taken away. It disappeared bluntly, eerily reminiscent of the way Carol had disappeared six years ago.

“I’m not really who you think I am.”

“Cruel,” at that point, was an understatement. A pitiful attempt to explain the sense of loss Maria felt, grasping at words that weren’t there, because of course they couldn’t be there, because god why would anyone create a word for a feeling no one should ever have to feel?

Maria asked herself that over and over. She was riddled with guilt, and she hated herself, and the world, and she couldn’t make sense of anything. To feel something other than bliss or gratitude when your person comes back from the dead—it felt like she was committing an act of treason against every god there’s ever been.

But Maria couldn’t help her devastation. Carol was back, yes. She was on Earth and she was alive, but she didn’t remember anything. The only person Maria had ever been in love with didn’t even know who she was, let alone reciprocate the sentiment. Maria was technically truthful from the start; she did tell Carol that they were best friends, after all. She never lied, she just ... omitted some major details. What else was she supposed to do?

Hey I know you just got back to Earth and you’re pretty shaken up considering the whole you-don’t-remember-ninety-percent-of-your-life thing and also you can shoot blasts of energy from your hands now, but we were actually supposed to get married, so, is that still on the table?

Please! Maria could never bring herself to say something like that, not even after Fury and the Skrulls, when life was back to some semblance of normalcy. This would take time. It was still too much to come to terms with.

-----

Today, though, a little over a year after Carol saved the Skrulls, Maria was doing just that. She was past “coming to terms” and on her way to healing, actually. She knew Carol had been finding pieces of herself everyday (small pieces, but they fit just the same), and Maria couldn’t have been happier for her.

Be that as it may, she wasn’t holding out hope for a miracle, anymore. One day, she and Carol had been looking at old photos, which they did all the time. It seemed to bring Carol real comfort, and Maria wanted her to feel safe. Glancing at a photo of the two of them in uniform, making silly faces at the camera, something in Carol’s eyes had flickered—a spark Maria had desperately hoped meant I remember, I’m yours.

It didn’t. But instead of letting her spirit crumble, (like the Jenga towers they and Monica were always building too high), Maria forced herself to stop feeling so hopeless. It sounds insane, even as she thinks back now, but she managed to heal her deepest wounds in a short few days.

All it took, truly, was a serious shift in her perspective. She had been feeling so cheated, like the universe didn’t care about her at all. She felt like she had been cosmically cursed, and she would get so angry. Plenty of days, she wouldn’t sleep at all, plagued by nightmares made up of her own memories. Maria was so focused on everything she didn’t—or couldn’t—ever have again, that she was so wildly unaware of the gifts she had been given.

At the end of the day, Maria decided, she was just happy, and lucky, to know Carol. She was lucky to have Carol in her life again. Any and everything she might have beyond that was a blessing.

And she did have a lot, in fact. They didn’t kiss, or make love, or fall asleep together every night. But they were incredibly close, Monica included; they were a family, if an unconventional one. Maria can’t count the number of times she’s fallen asleep with Monica’s head in her lap and Carol’s on her shoulder, or the nights Carol has come into her room shaken by a nightmare, and Maria has held her close and stroked her hair and whispered reassurances until her friend fell back asleep.

When you fall in love with someone, and they never hurt you—things end on good terms, or maybe you never even got together in the first place—when you fall in love like that, it’s so hard to fall out. In the back of your mind, they’ll always be there, hanging around and showing up in your daydreams when you least expect it.

You might move on, you might “get over” them, in theory, but in practice? If they showed up and asked to be yours, would you say yes?

See, after some serious, and, yes—tearful—ruminating, Maria knew the answer. She knew it would never change. But she also decided she didn’t need everything. She didn’t need for them to be in love, whatever that even meant, and she didn’t want to waste her time on this Earth full of sad feelings. She wanted happy feelings, and she had them.

Forgive me for being a living cliche, Maria had pleaded jokingly, and to no one in particular, but this is more than enough.

As for Carol, she had been getting little pieces of her memory back: a fuzzy vignette of a family road trip she took as a kid, blurry frames of the day she first learned how to ride a bike ...

... A vision of two hands shaking as they interlaced their fingers, a flash of skin on skin and a fire in her stomach whenever she lay next to Maria for too long, a jolt of energy as her lips pressed someone else’s to the offbeat of loud karaoke in a dark bathroom stall.

Okay, she hadn’t told anyone—she hadn’t told Maria—about those last three pieces.

First of all, Carol couldn’t even be sure of what was happening in her own mind. She obviously didn’t trust herself, or her memories, because she knew they had been toyed with before. And although it was, admittedly, a bit of a stretch to think that would be happening to her again, it felt more like leaps and bounds to think that she and Maria had been .... something.

So, she presumed, the former it must be, then.

Carol shoved all her soft-edged pieces—a label designated for those memories which focused on the two of them—down and away from the big picture. They didn’t fit.

Well, she wasn’t sure if they did. She hasn’t asked Maria about it. She was far, far too terrified.

-----

Maria had been getting the strangest sense from Carol over the past few weeks. She wanted to ask her what was going on, but she didn’t want to make Carol feel bad or uncomfortable. Maria knew it wasn’t right, or reasonable, to think of Carol as being so fragile. She was one of the strongest beings in the entire universe; she could handle a question. Or two.

Monica was at school, and Carol and Maria were sitting on the couch—close enough to touch but decidedly, not—watching reruns of Charlie’s Angels. An especially irritating commercial interrupted their viewing, leading Carol to quickly press MUTE on the remote.

For a second, Maria was grateful. After all, they had seen this guy drone on about Chevy’s plethora of meaningless awards at least ten times over the past 24 hours alone, and it was annoying. Except, now, the room was unnervingly quiet, save for a faint, steady buzz coming from their refrigerator in the other room. Under different circumstances, Maria wouldn’t be bothered at all by this sort of silence. She and Carol were perfectly capable of coping with lapses in conversation; in fact, they enjoyed it. At this exact moment in time, however, the lack of chit-chat was making both of them unusually anxious.

They knew they needed to talk about the way things had been recently. Maria noticed Carol had been keeping more and more to herself, holding her breath whenever Maria got too close. For weeks, Maria had been dying to bring it up, always on the verge of unlocking whatever kept her from saying the things she was thinking, yet always swallowing the key in favor of swallowing her pride.

Now, it’s been unlocked. And there’s no going back, Maria concluded.

“Carol, is everything okay?” Maria asked. She tried to be nonchalant about it, but you could tell it was anything other than a casual question.

Carol didn’t turn to face her, like Maria had expected. She kept her eyes on the television, the bright whites and blues of a new commercial flashing across her face in the dim light.

“Yeah? Everything’s okay.” Carol made eye contact, now. “Why? Are you okay?”

The first yeah wasn’t a lack of conviction on Carol’s part. On the contrary, actually. She seemed confident, like she only made her voice go up in that inquisitive manner in order to ensure that her puzzlement with Maria's inquiry was properly expressed.

“I’m okay,” Maria said slowly, without breaking eye contact. A split second passed, and it was long enough for Maria to change her mind.

Quickly, Maria admitted, “I’m sort of confused, to tell you the truth. Did I do something wrong? I feel like, lately, you’ve been acting like, I’m a ticking time bomb or something. I don’t know, I’m sorry, I’m probably just being-“

“No, no it’s okay,” Carol interrupted. She was looking at Maria, but Maria was looking away, as if she could literally see the words she didn’t get to say hanging in the air.

“Hey,” Carol said, her voice more insistent this time. “Look at me, it’s okay.” Maria looked, her face a picture of relief and confusion. Carol was smiling softly at her.

When Maria didn’t ask anything else, Carol knew she had to be the one to clear the air, even if she had approximately zero idea what to say.

Carol plopped her hands down onto her jeans, over the top of her thigh, and audibly took in a breath. Her eyes, like her hands, were on the tattered blue denim she was wearing. She moved her hands up and down her thighs nervously until she stopped at the place she had began, shrugged her shoulders up awkwardly, and then exhaled as she closed her eyes and let the muscles of her upper body fall back into a relaxed position. Her head was still pointed towards their carpeted living room floor.

Maria, chewing her lip in an attempt to tame the beast that was her anticipation, watched as Carol opened her eyes and turned to face her.

As soon as their eyes were locked, Carol started, “I’ve kind of been keeping something from you.” She felt the guilt and the worry start to bubble up in her stomach. “I’m really sorry.”

Maria didn’t seem shaken. Carol didn’t know what to make of that.

Maria just sort of nodded, ever so slightly, and Carol realized this might be more of a monologue situation than she had originally anticipated.

Nevertheless, she continued, “You know how I’ve been remembering stuff, here and there, and how we always talk about the stuff I remember? Well, I ... well. There’s just some memories, or something, that I’m not so sure about? I mean, I’m sure I’m having them, like, I’m definitely seeing everything, I just don’t know if they’re mine.”

Maria looked horrified. “You think someone got inside—is, inside—your head again?”

“I don’t know,” Carol said. She felt so awful, making Maria worry like this. She had to come out with it.

“No, I don’t think so,” Carol confessed defeatedly, heaving a sigh. “I’m just making excuses, I guess. I’m scared, Maria. Promise you’ll tell me the truth?”

“The truth about what? I would never lie to you. You know that. And you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” Maria grazed the top of Carol’s hand with the tips of her fingers as she asked that last question, and Carol’s hand sprang up from the couch, startling them both.

“Oh god, I’m sorry, I don’t know—I don’t know why I did that,” Carol explained hurriedly, trailing off at the end of her sentence. Maria just stared.

“Look, I-I’ve been having these memories. Of us? Not how we are now but like, us, Maria. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

If the silence had been a grey cloud before, it was a full blown thunderstorm now.

The look on Maria’s face was the same look she wore the day Carol arrived in their little suburbia. Carol didn’t know if that was a good thing. She wanted it to be. She really, really wanted it to be.

Practically whispering, Maria leaned closer and said, “I ... can you—can you tell me more?”

Carol swallowed against the lump in her throat.

“Yeah, yeah, yes,” she assured. “Okay. Um, there’s a few. Sometimes, I see two hands trying to hold onto each other. They’re both reaching, and shaking, and then they intertwine their fingers ... I wasn’t sure what to think of that one. I thought to myself, well that could be anyone. But, that’s not true.” Carol delivered those details without facing Maria directly. Her eyes were staring off into space, like she was here, with Maria, but she was also somewhere else.

“I know what my own hand looks like,” Carol explained, “I know what yours looks like. I don’t know. I’m just afraid, I guess. I don’t know what to believe.” She looked a bit ashamed. “No, I’m-I’m afraid to believe. I’m afraid.”

Maria lifted her hand off the sofa and reached up to press it against Carol’s left cheek, staying there for a moment, and then gently moving Carol’s face towards her own.

“You don’t have to be afraid, Carol. I promise. Just take a breath, yeah?” Carol nodded, and visibly took the advice. “What else have you been seeing?”

Carol began, “I see flashes of something, um.” She felt herself blushing, and she knew Maria would notice. It only made her skin hotter.

“Yeah?” Maria encouraged her to continue.

“You know how you said you’ve been feeling like, well, that I've been making you feel like, a ‘ticking time bomb?’ I think-“

“I’m sorry,” Maria cut her off. “I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty-“

Carol didn’t let her finish. “No, no it’s okay. That’s not what—no. It’s okay.” She beamed at Maria, hoping to hammer home the statement, which was one hundred percent genuine.

Then, she continued, “It’s just, I’ve been seeing us in bed. Together.” She sighed, and looked at Maria.

“We’re not—in the memories we’re not—we aren’t ... sleeping.”

By now, the tension was mounting, although it wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. It just felt like a precursor to something inevitable, something important. Maria did have a bit of a knowing smile on her face, but she also looked hesitant, like she desperately wanted to do something and at the very same time was petrified by what that something might be.

Well, love conquers fear, as they say.

While their gazes were both locked onto each other, Maria leaned in and kissed Carol, quite quickly, on the mouth.

It seemed as though the act was over in less than an instant, and yet every instant they had left on this Earth had now been forever changed. The trajectory of their lives was finally back on track.

Apparently, Carol didn’t exactly appreciate the moment being so brief. She kissed Maria again, and unlike her friend, she didn’t show much restraint. Her hands were in Maria’s hair in less time than it had taken her to mute that commercial, and Maria had her knuckle in the loop of Carol’s blue jeans.

Between kisses, Carol mumbled something along the lines of, “Hey, this is just like that night at the karaoke bar.”

Maria pulled back instantly, her eyes wide.

“You remember that?” Maria asked, her voice full of wonder and awe.

Carol grinned. “Yeah, babe. It’s been the only show on the Carol Danvers channel,” she said, tapping her index finger against her temple, “for, like, the past month.”

Immediately, the room was filled with the sound of Maria’s laughter, then Carol’s too, and, eventually, another silence.

This silence wasn’t intimidating. It wasn’t a storm, no. It was the clouds slowly dissipating, the way they do right before the sun comes back out to say hello.

Both of their eyes were sparkling, their faces glowing and their hair lightly tousled. They looked like they could’ve been in a commercial themselves: “couple waking up and drinking coffee together in their pajamas,” or something.

It was Maria who spoke first.

“So,” she began “we’re ... us, again?”

Carol let the question bounce around in her mind for a few moments.

“I can’t believe we ever stopped being us, Maria. Let’s not let it happen again, okay? You’re my person. Always.”

Carol laced their fingers together. Another memory come true.

“If I remember correctly, we have one more memory to relive, don’t we?” Maria teased.

With a disapproving click of her tongue, Carol replied, “Rambeau, always with your mind in the gutter.”

Maria rolled her eyes.

“Okay okay!” Carol said, “I’m just kidding. Come here, my love.”

Maria was smiling so wide her cheeks hurt, and at any other moment with anyone else in the world, she would’ve been thinking about something incredibly ridiculous, like whether or not her smile made her look unattractive. Right now, here, with the girl she's loved since she was nineteen? She couldn’t have cared less.

#carolmaria #danbeau #captain marvel #mcu #marvel #f/f #sapphic #im actually proud of this so #that's cool

16 notes · View notes

howlingwind · 5 years

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01. what’s your name/alias you go by ??

my name is jeff !! lmfao (i don’t let memes die) it’s not my real name but i’ve gone by cody on tumblr for a long time

02. what’s your age ??

twenty. jfc i’m old. but also apparently a fetus??

03. what’s your zodiac sign ??

aries, which couldn’t feel further from correct lmfao

04. what’s your ethnicity ??

uhh mostly italian & sicilian, but you could probably point to any white place in europe and i’ll have a little bit of that in me. i’m also 1/16th native american but it’s such a small amount and sadly i don’t even know which tribe to learn more about them.

05. what’s your nationality ??

‘murican

06. what’s your favorite band and/or musical artist ??

i’m super indecisive about everything, so it’s difficult for me to pick faves (as you’ll see in a sec) but… mac miller, post malone, johnny cash, eminem, tenacious d, colter wall, kehlani, bruno mars, snoop dogg, elvis presley, justin timberlake, sublime, the rolling stones, etc etc there’s probably a lot i’m forgetting tho. i like most types of music except country. well, modern country anyway.

07. what’s your dream job ??

uh, i don’t have one? i mean yeah, i’d love to be a writer, or game dev, or a narrative director on a game, or direct, write, or act in movies or television, but like…i could live without any of that stuff. i just want to make a decent living, be able to own a house, not completely hate my job. yknow, not a glamorous life but a good one.

08. what’s one place you would love to visit ??

idk there’s a lot of places i’d like to go, but i’d most like to visit alpha centauri, even tho that’ll never happen lol

09. what’s your favorite tv show ??

i can’t pick that! but i love a lot of shows. general hospital, lucifer, the 100, supernatural, stranger things, izombie, south park, legends of tomorrow, once upon a time, arrow (at times), dragon ball, big brother, riverdale, chilling adventures of sabrina, that 70′s show, the ranch, umm… i could probably keep listing forever.

10. what’s your favorite movie ??

hmmmm, again i’ve got a list but… joe dirt, the new guy, why him, the waterboy, 50 first dates, all the spider-man movies, thor ragnarok, man of steel, 21 jump street, 22 jump street ,and a fuckton more lol

11. what’s your favorite song ??

constantly in flux, but the current faves are — creep by radiohead, stay by post malone, no below by speedy ortiz, unshaken by d’angelo, cruel cruel world by willie nelson, wanksta by 50 cent, shooter by lil wayne & robin thicke, stressed out by 21 pilots, self care by mac miller (along with practically everything on his final album), and i will always, un-ironically love only in america by riff raff. he’s not the greatest ever but that song is hilarious and always puts me in a good mood.

12. what’s your favorite sport ??

can i say rocket league? lol

13. what’s your favorite food ??

pizza, unquestionably. cereal is a damn close second tho. or pot stickers. damn, i’m hungry…

14. what’s your favorite face claim to use ??

typically, i’ve always really liked using paul wesley, chris wood, and matt daddario. i’m using lindsey morgan for the first time now though, and i really like her as an fc too.

15. what’s your least favorite face claim ??

to use?? um pretty much any singer or model just bc their resources aren’t too great. i really didn’t enjoy using pete davidson as much as i thought i would, either lol

to see… uh probs emma roberts or andy biersack. emma for obvs reasons but also bc i once had a really bad experience with people using those fcs. idm people using whoever they feel like using tho.

16. what’s your favorite character of yours to play ?? which do you think you’re most like ??

oh man, uhh i really enjoy writing chrissy & theo. they both speak to me. but tbh i’m not much like any of my characters? i’m boring af so i tend not to make any like me lol. i am kinda like theo in the sense that i’m quiet, and really just try to be a good person. other than that i’m most like jason solely based on the fact we’re both human lol

17. what’s your sexuality ??

danversexual. attracted only to fictional danvers women, examples including carol, kara, and alex danvers.

lmfao but nah i’m just a boring straight boy. well, like 99.9% straight. jensen ackles makes me question shit.

18. what’s the last movie you saw in a cinema/theater ??

captain marvel (thanks to dani lol). only two months late but it was worth the experience haha.

19. what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had ??

thankfully i’ve never really hurt myself too terribly except for a broken wrist, but between the ages of 10-17 i’d occasionally hurt my back by sitting weird, usually in an attempt to play video games without the glasses i desperately needed lol. once when i was like 11 i laid belly down on the couch with my elbows up on the arm of it for like three hours, which messed me up for days, then a few other times i hurt myself, but another bad one when i was 17, i had my back curved while sitting and propping my laptop up on my knee, tried to move and literally just cried, crawled on the floor, and laid there all night until i forced myself to move in the morning. lol luckily it hasn’t happened since i lost a little weight.

20. what’s a random or interesting fact about you ??

uhm, nothing? i literally can’t think of one, i’m dull af. i uh.. i replaced my own cpu cooler once? lmfao

21. do you listen to music while you write ??

sometimes. a lot of time i just like the silence or ambient background noise, but if i’ve got a fitting playlist for the vibe of what i’m trying to write, i’ll use it!

22. are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer ??

i’m a never writer, apparently v___v but lol ideally a night writer, my best work is between the hours of 12am & 4am, but my sleeping schedule is so inconsistent, and so is my dad’s who spends literally every waking moment of his telling me different stuff he wants done, so it’s tough to hit that sweet spot. i write whenever i get a chance tho.

23. have you ever roleplayed intoxicated ??

lol nah i’ve never even had a drink. like what teenager doesn’t have a drink at some point?? i told you i’m lame.

24. what language or languages do you speak ??

english, barely. and assassin’s creed 2 taught me some italian swears. and ac: odyssey has had me occasionally dropping “malaka” bombs since the day i first played it haha.

25. how long have you roleplayed ??

officially, about 9 years. i started at 11 on myspace, rping dragon ball z stuff. but basically about 12 years, if you count how from the ages of 8-11 i’d put an anime pic up on my myspace, pretend i was older, and talk to roleplayers i didn’t realize were roleplayers lmfao.

26. favorite roleplay genre ??

i like pretty much anything, tbh. as long as it’s well thought out, has an interesting plot, or whatever. sometimes it doesn’t even need that, it just needs to catch my eye or line up with something i’m looking for. but yeah, supernatural, multi-fandom, sci-fi, romance, town rps, high school/college rps, anime rp (well, pokemon mostly), harry potter… i’ve done it all tbh and don’t particularly have a favorite.

27. one sound you hate & one you love ??

the sound of cotton stretching is the absolute worst thing to me. or scratching cotton. idk, it just sends chills up and down my spine and makes my hands feel weak lmfao. i’m weird. i really love the sound of rain, or fire crackling, or like “ambient” harp or ukulele music.

28. do you believe in ghosts ??

short answer, yes. long answer… i’m pretty sure i was friends with a ghost girl as a kid?? like no joke, even looking back at it through rational “adult” eyes, i’m still convinced. my fam moved into a new apartment, and pretty much right after that i started having dreams about a girl my age at the time (11-12). i’d never seen her before but the dreams would be like just conversations, like i was visiting a friend or something. i don’t remember them much, but i do remember the feeling of someone else in my room all the time, like you know how if someone else is around you just know even if you’re not looking at them? like that. there was even one night i was getting in bed, laid there a minute, and then i could have absolutely sworn somebody came in the room and sat down next to me on the bed because i felt the bed sink a little under their weight, but i looked and no one was there. i had a really vivid conversation/dream/thing that night. then a few nights later, for the first time since moving there i didn’t have one. the next morning my dad was really freaked out and said he fell asleep in the chair, but woke up and couldn’t breathe, and felt cold little hands over his mouth. he rationalized it as just waking up from a nightmare but i didn’t think so, so that night when i went to sleep and saw her i got really upset, yelled at her for it, and woke up right after. then i never saw or heard anything even remotely similar again, like she left or disappeared or something. it’s so weird, and i know how crazy it sounds, but yeah. don’t get me started on the topic of ghosts lmfao. THEN AGAIN, like a year later we had a carbon monoxide scare, but i really doubt the two were related because that would mean there was an entire year that we were breathing it in and the monitor didn’t do anything lol

29. do you believe in aliens ??

no alien story, thankfully, but it just makes no sense not to believe in them to me. like, we probably don’t have them on earth, and we’ve probably never encountered any, but it’s as close as you can get to a mathematical certainty that there’s some other life out there in the universe.

30. do you believe in true love ??

like, people who are just meant for each other, like romantic soulmates? nah not really. but i believe that two people can grow to truly love one another. whether it’s based off an initial attraction/infatuation, or a friendship, or both. i’d actually argue that’s a simple explanation of the biological science behind the feeling of love, but that’s an essay i’m not gonna write lol. but there’s apparently a lot of different types of love, so i guess “true love” is suggestive?

also slightly unrelated but i don’t-quite-believe-in-but-am-open-to-the-idea-of soulmates, not necessarily as two souls who are just meant for each other romantically and always end up together, but more as two or more souls that gravitate toward each other to make up the important people in each other’s lives, like family members, lovers, or close friends. but that’s more of a theoretical idea/possibility than an actual belief of mine.

31. do you hold grudges ??

um, yes. lol i try not to, and i really do want everyone to be their best/happiest selves, but some people man… some people can take a long walk off a short pier lmao

32. do you have any obsessions right now ??

PO KE MON GOTTA CATCH EM ALLLLL. also… life is strange (thanks dani lol). supernatural. stranger things (thanks dani & steph) the 100 / clexa / becho (thanks steph). lucifer. captain marvel (thanks dani). the song “creep” by radiohead and all its covers (tom ellis, haley reinhart, etc). cyberpunk 2077 (thanks dani). as you can see, i’m easily influenced lmfao.

33. do you drive & if so, have you ever been in a crash ??

nope i don’t drive, precisely because i’d definitely end up in a crash lol

34. do you like the smell of gasoline ??

uh that’s a big fat no from me, chief

35. do you prefer writing fluff, angst, or smut ??

i like it all equally, i think. i just really like writing & rp in general. i did run a smut rp once in the past tho. it gets old quick tbh and is the one of the three i can live without lol

36. are you in a relationship ??

bahahahahahahaha no.

37. grab the nearest book to you and turn to page 23, what is the 17the line ??

❝ “and why would that be?” kronos’s golden eyes glittered. ❞

— the last olympian by rick riordan.

38. put your playlist on shuffle and list the first four songs that pop up:

1. season of the witch – donovan 2. riot van – arctic monkeys 3. busta rhymes – qveen herby 4. der kommissar – after the fire

also i gotta cheat because it’s too perfect that the next two are

5. stay – mac miller (one of my favorites ever that i forgot to mention above) 6. only in america – riff raff (i just love this ok. the video is hilarious but tw james franco for those that don’t like him)

#pandemonium: task #// i’m always last 😔 lmfao #// also this is like a mile long idek why so if you actually read this?? you’re a saint lol #→ por queue

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clerithraven · 7 years

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PAST VS PRESENT: YOUNG LOVE VS EVERLASTING LOVE

When talking about Cloud and Aerith, it’s unavoidable for fans to voice their support of Aerith’s past love, Zack Fair. In fact, a lot of fans still linger on this ship and claim it’s Aerith’s true love. However, Aerith had already gotten over Zack by the time the game started. Theirs was one of a young love – a “puppy love” if you will, that was never meant to last.

Zack falls to the Church of the Slum during his mission and ends up meeting the girl Aerith, who's trimming flowers. They both feel contented simply with each other's company; it's a platonic love. They think these kinds of happy days will last forever, but... ~Zack's profile; Crisis Core Ultimania

They attract to each other by mutual feelings similar to friendship, because they're both juvenile, if you call it love... ~Crisis Core Ultimania

They were never serious – Zack and Aerith. Aerith states as much in the game.

Aerith: Just the same as him. Cloud: The same as who? Aerith: My first boyfriend. Cloud: You were… serious? Aerith: No. But I liked him for a while. Cloud: I probably knew him. What was his name?” (Aerith shakes her head.) Aerith: It doesn’t really matter. ~FFVII Script

I just have to point out how Cloud seems interested to know whether Aerith and her first boyfriend were serious. The game could have done without it, but the creators of FF7 deemed it was a nice touch to imply Cloud’s romantic interest in Aerith.

You have to admit this happens in fiction and in real life. Yeah, you can argue that even a remotely curious friend could have asked the same thing, but this exchange happened between two characters of the game who have been promoted as people involved in “a love that could never be.”

Another quote about how the relationship wasn’t that serious:

Although called my first love, that doesn’t mean that we became particularly intimate. I encountered him by chance as a flower vendor in Midgar. It was good for a little while, so I thought. ~Aerith’s monologue; Dismantled

So, how was the end of Zack and Aerith’s love affair made known to players? Aerith’s final letter for Zack in Crisis Core.

Aerith: Are you doing well? Where are you? It's been 4 years. This will be the 89th letter I've written but I will not send out any more. I hope that you receive this last letter. Zack! The flowers are selling very well. It makes everyone smile. It's all thanks to you. Aerith. ~Aerith's 89th and final letter to Zack; Crisis Core

Zack, the so-called ‘first boyfriend/love’, wasn’t even seriously invested in the relationship.

CLOUD & ZACK IN THE TRUCK:

On the way of escape to Midgar, which girlfriend did Zack plan to ask help from? ~Zack’s info; FFVII Ultimania, p.83

No offense meant for the ship, but this clearly proves how Zack wasn’t the least bit faithful to Aerith. The quote above implies that Zack had another girlfriend, or more. And we know Zack wasn’t planning on returning to Aerith.

Zack: What’re you gonna do when we get to Midgar? (Cloud continues to bob his head.) Cloud: ……… (Zack stands.) Zack: I know what I’m gonna do. (He crosses his arms) Zack: I got a place I can crash for a while… (He turns to Cloud) Zack: No wait, the mother lives there, too… (He scratches his head.) Zack: Guess that’s out… (He shakes his head. Cloud continues to bob his.) Cloud: ……… Zack: Yep… gotta change my plans!

Source: z/erith isn’t canon anymore

You would think that Zack would surely be going back to where Aerith was because he was so in love with her – oh wait, he wasn’t. He’s not even gonna attempt to get back to stay with Aerith because she lived with Elmyra. Taking into consideration what the Ultimania asked about “which girlfriend was Zack planning to ask help from”, this implies that Zack has another girlfriend, definitely not Aerith, he would stay with. This just proves how Zack wasn’t the least bit devoted to Aerith, being the playboy that he was. It was something Aerith was aware of.

“Zack loves women, a real lady’s man” Like what Aerith recalled in FF7, Zack is very good at hitting on girls, and is skilled at flirting. In BC, he used to compliment a female member of Turks during a mission; in CC, he also invited Cissnei, a member from Turks, to dine together. Since “one who steals an egg will steal an ox”, Zack’s girlfriend, Aerith, maybe felt impatient about this….? ~Zack’s info; FFVII Ultimania, p.83

Source: Zack is a playboy and Aerith knew it

Considering all that, once Aerith and Zack saw each other again in the Lifestream, our flower girl gave the playboy a piece of her mind.

Zack: Man, you know Aerith. Out of all the girls I’ve gotten along with, you truly are the best. After that mission, we could’ve stayed the way we were and might have been able to continue to go out with each other after I returned home. I hate Sephiroth. And I hate Shinra who’s been hiding all the stuff they’ve been doing. Aerith: Someone who’s gotten along with so many girls can never become a lover. Zack: How mean. I’m nice to everyone. Aerith: And that’s your bad point. You’re not simplistic and awkward like Cloud. ~Maiden of the Planet

Aerith knew how much of a ladies’ man Zack was. This may have been the reason she didn’t really take their relationship seriously, although she did remain faithful to him. Enough to send out 89 letters to Zack over the years even after no communication came from him.

The end of the conversation also has Aerith pointing out how Zack’s friendliness with so many females disqualifies him as a lover. When Zack defends himself as a nice person to everyone, Aerith counters it by pointing out that it as his bad point. She also goes on to imply that Cloud’s qualities of being simplistic and awkward make Cloud the better choice.

Aerith further distances herself from Zack in the following conversation:

Zack: But whenever you feel lonely, call me Aerith. Aerith: Only if I get really lonely. Goodnight, Zack. ~Maiden of the Planet

Why am I even mentioning Zack in an essay about Cloud and Aerith’s love? I’ll get to that shortly. First, take a look at the following comments.

Aerith's first love is Zack, the object of Cloud's basic personality of being an "ex-SOLDIER". We could say Cloud's speaking and acting like Zack is a big reason why Aerith started to have good feelings towards Cloud. ~FFVII Ultimania Omega, pg. 29

"I'm looking for you."..."So you won't have a beakdown." - what Aerith told Cloud had many deep meanings. Aerith detected that the present Cloud is not the real him during their encounters. She knows it because of her mysterious, inherent ability. ~ FFVII Ultimania Omega, pg. 29

When Aerith thinks of Cloud and Zack’s similarities, she sees that the present Cloud is not the real Cloud. Her meaningful lines like, “I’m searching for you” and “I want to meet you” all mean that she has discovered the existence of the real Cloud, although he’s not aware of it himself. ~FFVII Ultimania Omega, pg. 31

“So you won’t have a breakdown..” Aerith appears in Cloud’s dream, and she seems to console him with such advice. This line can infer that Aerith has seen through to the essence of Cloud. ~ FFVII Ultimania Omega, pg. 156

I know fans that have held onto the belief that Aerith never got to know the real Cloud, but instead was just seeing Zack in Cloud. On the contrary, Aerith knew how Cloud wasn’t acting much like himself at all and wanted to find the “real” him. And although it was the similarities that initially drew Aerith in, she soon comes to see how different they were and develops genuine interest in Cloud himself, as evidenced by the following quote:

Although in the beginning, Aerith felt close to Cloud because he behaved like Zack, her interest in Cloud himself grows and she is attracted to him. ~FFVII Ultimania Omega, pg. 31

The initial attraction Aerith held towards Cloud grew even deeper, with Aerith falling in love with everything about him. Whatever she had felt for Zack, it doesn’t compare with what Aerith now feels for Cloud.

Aerith was in even greater pain when she thought about Cloud.

She also had good feelings towards him. At first, she thought he somehow had some similarities to her first love. Even so, his looks, voice and personality weren't similar and he also made her think of him as a mysterious person... But it soon didn't matter. She loved him much more than her first love. Cloud was her hero and he couldn’t get away from danger. She saw him as someone full of confidence, cool and had the impression that he would disappear in an instant if she took her eyes off him. She wanted to stay by his side forever if she could. She really wanted to. ~Maiden of the Planet

At first when I met Cloud, I believed he was similar to Zack. Little actions, the way he spoke… his kindness. But Cloud is Cloud. I, now undoubtedly, love Cloud much more than Zack. ~Aerith’s monologue in Gongaga; Dismantled

If that wasn’t clear enough, let me repeat it: Aerith’s current feelings of love for Cloud surpasses her past feelings for Zack.

JAPANESE: クラウドは女の友人であり、恋人であり FRENCH: Cloud avait ete son ami, et son amant GERMAN: Cloud war ihr Freund, ihr Geliebter English translation: Cloud was the woman’s friend, and lover… ~Case of Lifestream: White; Translated from the Japanese, French and German versions

Whether in fiction or in real life, it is not uncommon for a person to be interested in another potential romance because of physical similarities to an old one. There is absolutely no reason for those involved not to recognize how a current attraction differs from the past as they get to know more about each other. So please don’t use Aerith’s observation of the similarities between Cloud and Zack as a case against the fact that Aerith truly fell in love with Cloud as who is really is as the game progressed, especially when Aerith, the very woman whose feelings are questioned, stated as much so many times.

Whatever Zack and Aerith had before, it’s all in the past and Aerith has put it behind her. And despite what the fans of the Z/erith ship would like you to believe, Aerith isn’t the least bit interested in getting back together with him.

Cloud is Aerith’s present and her future, even if that future is one wherein she stays in the Lifestream. Our flower girl is wholly and utterly devoted to her bodyguard. In fact, Aerith will be waiting for Cloud when he finally finds her in the Promised Land.

NOTE: Take this as me setting you up for the essay which will cover Aerith’s selfless love for and devotion to Cloud, which I will get to posting after I lay more of the groundwork.

Sources: [X] ; [X]

#clerith #pro-Clerith #anti-z/erith #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy vii #ff7 #ffvii #meta #text post #yeah i went there

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