#beetlejoest
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Gem wasn’t sure how she’d been roped into this, but she was standing outside, at night, with a flashlight and a hoodie from Pearl over her dress. Grian, Scar, and Impulse were gathered around a map as she approached the bridge between Grian and Mumbo’s bases.
“Ah, there’s our other G!” Grian said, turning when he heard her footsteps and waving Gem over.
“Guys, what on earth are we doing? Old houses and buildings are one thing, but Hermitcraft? Nothing here was built over two years ago! What kind of ghosts could you possibly think exist here?”
“I don’t know, but there is some serious evidence that there is a ghost on this server.” Impulse said seriously. “We have freezing temperatures in some places-”
“What, like on top of mountains? Or in ice biomes?” Gem scoffed.
Impulse gave her a withering look and continued. “Scar swears he’s seen ghost orbs-”
“I saw them with my own two eyes!” Scar said.
“I thought you could only see them through cameras?” Gem asked.
“And, most importantly, we have a witness.” Impulse said proudly.
“A witness?” Gem asked.
“With bottled proof of this ghost’s existence.” Impulse continued proudly.
“If this witness has actual, real proof that ghosts exist, this could be groundbreaking for the world of ghost hunting.” Grian said, zipping up his backpack. “Okay, let’s go! Lead the way to the witness, Impulse!”
——
The second team GIGS landed in the hole in the ground, Grian made his thoughts known.
“Zedaph is our ghost witness? Impulse, please, you’re supposed to be the brains here. It’s not that I don’t like Zed, but he’s kind of…”
“How do we know he hasn’t been sniffing his test tubes as a zedvancement and hallucinated this all up?” Scar finished the sentence for him.
“Just wait and see.” Impulse replied.
Zedaph came out of a side tunnel moments later, holding a lantern in one hand and a small jar of fluorescent green liquid in the other. He was wearing a frankly horrifying dress (or just a really long shirt) that consisted of stitched-together clothing of all the other hermits.
“Hello, hello!” Zed called to them. “If it’s ghosts you’re looking for, I’ve got the spooks!”
“Zed, what on earth are you wearing?” Gem asked.
“Oh, this is my Halloween costume! I’m all the hermits, in a horrible amalgamation of cloth!”
“Well, he’s got the horrible part down pat.” Grian muttered to Scar.
Zed didn’t seem to hear the comment, as he looked at the four ghost hunters, counting them two times over.
“My friends, aren’t you missing someone?” Zed asked. “Where is the ‘S’ in GIGGS?”
“Skizz isn’t whitelisted on this server, duh.” Scar replied.
Zed grinned, and pulled a square-shaped item from his inventory. “Well, lucky for you, I have him right here on this i-pa- hi- hi-pad. A hi-pad, yes, that’s what this is.”
“Hi there, friends! Who’s ready to hunt some Hermitcraft ghost ass!” Skizz exclaimed from the screen, waving at his friends.
“Skizz!” Grian, Gem, and Scar exclaimed.
“Now that you’ve all assembled, I can tell you my spooky tale.” Zedaph said mysteriously, handing the hi-pad to Impulse. He pulled a campfire out of his inventory and set it down on the ground between them. “It was a dark and stormy night. I was up late, finishing up wiring my newest zedvancement trophy display. I came out to stand right in this very spot, on this ledge, looking over my hole, when something flew past my face!”
Gem gasped as Zed leapt forward, wiggling his fingers at his audience. Grian rolled his eyes. Scar was looking at the dangling animals, clearly not paying attention.
“It was glowing green, and this thing fell directly into the water feature around my bed!” Zed continued, pointing down into the hole, where his bed was. Around the bed were small streams of water, clearly so Zed wouldn’t take fall damage getting down. “I, of course, scrambled to get a lead, thinking it must be dangled at once.”
“I don’t like that your first thought when seeing anything is ‘can I wrap it up in rope and dangle it’, Zed. I would hate to psychoanalyze you.” Grian said.
“But when I got down there,” Zed continued, still acting like he didn’t hear Grian’s comments, “the lead went right through it! It was translucent, clearly a ghost! A green ghost of a man covered in chains! He gave me such a fright, speaking to me with a frankly grating American accent about pinball machines and other odd things. And then he left, floating up into the air and away! And all that was left behind was… this mysterious ghost substance.” Zed finished his story, holding out the bottle of glowing green liquid.
“Mysterious ghost substance?” Impulse asked.
Skizz gasped. “Dude, maybe that’s like the ghost’s sweat, or his p-”
Impulse muted him before he could finish.
“Scar, I dare you to drink that.” Grian said, pointing at the glass.
“Okay.” Scar said, and took the glass from Zed’s hand, popped the cork, and downed the whole thing in one gulp.
“SCAR!” Grian, Impulse, Gem, and Zed cried.
“Grian, why did you dare him to drink it?” Gem asked, smacking Grian’s arm.
“I didn’t think he actually would do it!” Grian cried.
“Don’t lie, you knew he would.” Impulse said, shaking his head. “Oh, sorry Skizz, did you want to say something?” He unmuted Skizz again.
“Is Scar okay?” Skizz cried. “And also, what does it taste like?”
They all looked to Scar, who was smacking his lips thoughtfully. He looked up at all of them. “Why is everyone looking at me?” He asked.
“You just drank ghost bath water, dude.” Skizz said.
“Ohh…” Scar said, looking at the empty glass. “I zoned out, sorry. So this was the ghost evidence?”
“And you drank it, yeah.” Gem said.
“This tastes familiar. I know where the ghost is.” Scar said. “Follow me.”
He took off, leaving Gem and Grian to stare at each other in disbelief, then follow, followed by Impulse thanking Zed for his help before taking off too, holding Skizz on the hi-pad. The ghost-hunting group followed Scar all the way to the middle of the ocean, to a huge pinball machine that lit up the night sky. They landed on the top, looking around.
“Why are we at Joe Hills’ place?” Grian whispered.
“Because that’s where the ghost is.” Scar said, pointing down at a glowing green ghost on the pinball playfield, moving around, placing blocks, trailed by chains. “It’s the Beetlejoest, it’s what Joe Hills turns into sometimes. Bit of an odd guy, but he still bleeds if you use the right arrows.”
“Wow, a real ghost! On Hermitcraft!” Impulse exclaimed. “Let’s set up our ghost hunting equipment, get as much information as we can! Quick, someone grab the parabolic mic!”
“So are we just going to ignore the part where Scar knew what Joe Hills’ ghost tastes like?” Grian asked. “Was I the only one that heard that?”
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TFW waiting for money to unleash the 1,000 year-old blue version of yourself.
(Y'all wanted Beetlejhost art; how'd I do?)
[ Reblogs appreciated! Do not repost. Tag list under the cut. ]
Tag list: @darubyprincxx @tangy-soup @tangodyke @soup-guy @xexpaguette @12u3ie
#joe hills#joehillstsd#joe hills fanart#hermitcraft fanart#hermitblr#beetlejhost#beetlejoest#station murals#scopophobia#scopohobia tw
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Begging everyone and anyone to vote for Joe 😭😭😭
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I know he’d almost certainly never go for it, but I’d kill for a Juppet makeshift plush
#maybe with a detachable nose#holding beetlejoest or a joe hills head or a poem idk#plz Joe plz I want to own a joe hills puppet
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In honor of @JoeHills doing a Beetlejhost rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody on stream today, here's the Hermitcraft parody of Bohemian Rhapsody I wrote like six months ago and was too chicken to share:
Is this new 3rd life?
Or maybe MCC?
Caught in hiatus
Waiting for 1 dot 19
Open your dash
Look for hermitcraft and see
Vault hunters Vods and
Cub's record speedrun streams
X snapshots, Gem's Empires lore
Iskall POGS, Stress YOLOs
Any way kind of content
the Hermits always matter to me
to me
Mumbo just killed a man
Built a vault without a door
And gave it lava for a floor
Mumbo, Grian had just geared up
But now you've gone and burned it all away
Mumbo oooh
You missed Jev's Easter hunt
If you're not back again before September
We'll carry on, carry on
(...King Ren might take your diamonds...)
It's late but the time has come
Skulk sends shivers down our spines
Goat horns sounding all the time
Goodbye everybody
The warden spawned, and Impulse isn't here with a noise machine
Mumbo ooooh
Pearl booped it on the nose
XB or False might still come to the rescue
Carry on, carry on
(But look out for those fragments!)
I see the shimmer of a bow weilding man
Scar goes woosh
Scar goes swoosh
Someone just hot-guyed Tango!
Charged creepers and lightning
Doc is very frightening
Zombiecleo! (Zombiecleo!)
Zombiecleo! (Zombiecleo!)
Zombiecleo BeetleJoest!
Where is Ethoooooooo?
Keralis is a poor boy, you should give him stuff for me!
Keralis is a poor boy, his mansion's great for parties!
ZEDVANCEMENT DEATH MESSAGE FATALITY!
Easy come, easy go, the lag has got to go
(Ore pillar, no!) The world eater must blow
(Got to go!)
(Ore pillar, no!)The copper farm must slow!(Got to go!)
The netherstars must glow! (Got to go!)
The farmed emeralds must flow (Got to go!)
It's got to gooooooooooooo!
Hyp- no no NO NO NO!
Nvidia, Nvidia! The frame rate has got to grow!
Bdouble0 has a parkour course hidden for me! For me! For meeeee!
Did you think that Decked Out wouldn't ever arrive?
Did you think that Giga Corp wouldn't ever thrive?
Oh baby, Hermits are truly crazy
When Beefs' game comes out, when the trading cards come out you will hear!
(Much guitar and piano solo later)
I sub to Jono and the Recap
And to Wels and TFC
All the hermits matter
To me
Okay yeah I'm a giant dork I just want Quinn and Joe Hills to see this
#the joehills difference#joehills#quinnhills#redactedhills#hermitcraft 9#hc s9#hermitcraft#joe hills#quinn hills
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beetlejoest fancam when
PLEASE THIS IS ALSO GOOD AND SHOULD EXIST
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oh i can answer that too! the eyes are representative of his stream chat! i don't remember how that became the common way to depict them, possibly from his own talking about and to them? he speaks much more directly to his chat/viewers/commenters than many other hermits tend to!
and more recently, it's become even more common due his rapid purchasing of tumblr checkmarks! someone commented on it saying that every time they look he has more of them, and he responded to that with something along the lines of "an angel needs eyes" or something like that, i don't recall the exact wording. so. eyes! you can tell the difference between the origin by the color of the eyes, usually; pre-tumblr-checkmarks they're neon green, and afterwards they're either blue or rainbow colored!
and the beetlejuice is. technically a character of his! beetlejoest or beetlejhost, people spell it differently. basically, on his streams, at times he has a thing going on where his facecam starts out very tiny, usually in a slot on his hotbar, and as more donations are made it gets bigger and bigger! sometimes (often) getting to a point where it takes up the whole screen, at which point he makes it translucent. this started getting called jhost, then people started making beetlejhost jokes, and then there was a skin made for beetlejhost, and he's dressed up as it irl for a few streams! so. beetlejhost! ~🍄
JOE IS SUCH A GUY?????? I REALLY NEED TO WATCH HIM IM OBSESSED EVEN THO I DONT WATCH HIM NO ONE ELSE IS DOING IT LIKE JOEHILLS HAHAHA
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Joe’s face cam gets bigger through the day. The moon also gets bigger throughout the day. Coincidence? I think not
#joe hills#hermitcraft#hermitcraft season 8#hermitcraft moon#joe is the man in the moon#all the money we given him goes straight to his head#however this does mean that eventually the moon will decrease in joepacity#becoming a lunar joest#so we just gotta give joe more money to solve the moon problem#and then we’ll hit the beetlejoest moon#for absolute chaos
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i love joe hills streams. he gets a massive dono and in response he puts on a beetlejuice (beetlejoest) costume, makes his facecam really small, and speaks in a really gravely voice. in thanks.
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Omg JoeHillsTSD chat and stream is popping off and it’s amazing I love this he sounds so happy and we passed beetlejoest
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The Beetlejoest was lost. Not that Joe was any better, really, but Beetlejoest hated being on the same level as Joe with anything, so you could understand how this was annoying. Joe had gone to the mangrove forest of the witch Shelby, to ask her for some mangrove roots and wood. He hadn't realized the time of night, the fool, and Beetlejoest had taken over, said fuck the system, and went into the thick forest himself to just yoink some roots for himself. However, the fog in and around the forest was thick, and within a few minutes, the Beetlejoest was hopelessly lost.
“Stupid fog.” The Beetlejoest muttered, hitting the side of a mangrove tree with a stick he’d found. “Stupid Joe, wanting mangrove roots. What, is normal wood too good for you, you hipster? I’ll fight the fog, that’s what I’ll do. Intimidation is the only way to get what you want, ya hear that, fog?”
“You can’t fight fog, you miserable shit.” A voice, airy and echoing, came from the fog.
“Ahh! Wha- who’s there? This ain’t my ex-wife, is it?”
“What? No, I don’t think I’m your ex-wife.” A tall figure stepped into view. The being was slightly translucent, although the Beetlejoest could still see that the figure wore a faded yellow sweater, with a peculiar blue stain. “I’m Ghostbur. Who are you? And have you seen a blue sheep around?”
“Ah, well, see, me here, I’m the Beetlejoest, in no way affiliated with Joe Hills, thank you very much.” The Beetlejoest adjusted his suit and stuck out a hand. Ghostbur tried to shake it, but since they were both ghosts, they just had an awkward moment where their hands went through each others. “I haven’t seen or heard a sheep, much less a blue one. Can’t see a darn thing in this fog.”
“Well, if you see one, it’s name is Friend, and it fucking ran off.” Ghostbur started to wander off, but the Beetlejoest ran after him.
“Wait! Wait! I would normally time you out and make you read the rules, and cursing is one of them, but beggars can’t be choosers! I am lost, and I need help getting out of this dumb forest! I can help you find your sheep, first, of course, I’m not a monster, just a ghost, a Beetlejoest doing the beetlemost, if you will.”
Ghostbur turned to look at him. “You talk so much, yet say so little. But I guess I also don’t have a choice, so come on then.”
The Beetlejoest opened and closed his mouth in surprise and outrage, but decided to wait to strike his revenge and followed the taller ghost.
“Friend! Friend! Come back I have some nice wheat for you!” Ghostbur called into the fog.
“What kind of name is Friend, anyway?” The Beetlejoest grumbled crossly. “Did you have to be 2014 tumblr quirky or something?”
“You must be American- you remind me of that annoying American guy with the onesie. Came into my house and put American flags up. I burnt them, naturally. You’re not Connor in disguise, are you? He’d be the type to get lost in fog.” Ghostbur sneered.
“No, I am The Beetlejoest through and through.” The Beetlejoest said. “But if you wish to speak on the American flag, did you know that-”
“Shut up, I hear baa-ing!” Ghostbur interrupted. “Friend? I have some wheat! Come here!”
And out of the fog came a fluffy blue sheep, which looked calmer then both of the ghosts combined. Ghostbur hugged it in relief and tied a lead to it.
“Right, so, I helped you, now will you help me find my way out?” The Beetlejoest asked.
Ghostbur laughed awkwardly. “Well, I’m afraid that I’m now in the same boat as you. I am also lost. I don’t even know how I got into this forest in the first place.”
The Beetlejoest looked at him in surprise. “How can you not know how you got here?”
Ghostbur frowned, a puzzled look on his face. “I don’t know. I wasn’t here, and then I was.”
“Well, where were you before, then?” The Beetlejoest asked.
Ghostbur shook his head. “I’d rather not… don’t worry about it, alright? I’m sure if we walk in a line, we’ll find an end. Where? I don’t know.”
So, with no other option, they walked. They made for quite a crew- a black and white ghost in a pinstripe suit, a ghost with a yellow sweater, and a blue sheep. They walked through the fog, avoiding mangrove trees that came out of nowhere and ignoring the whispers. And eventually, somehow, they emerged from the fog and were right in front of Shelby’s house.
“We did it!” The Beetlejoest said. “I’m back where I was. I don’t know how, but we did it!” He went to high-five Ghostbur, but found the man gone, the sheep as well. All that was left was a bit of blue substance on the ground, like a rock or something. The Beetlejoest picked it up, and as he did, the first rays of sun peaked over the treetops, and Joe Hills took his place. He held the blue substance in his hands, not a solid or a liquid, but something else entirely.
“Well, thanks Ghostbur. And Friend. Sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye.” Joe said. He pocketed the blue stuff, and took the nether portal nearby back home. He could just use something else in place of those mangrove roots. He didn’t need them that badly.
#November 29 2022#fic#beetlejoest#joe hills#ghostbur#hc x empires#kinda#long post#it’s important to note that both Ghostbur and the Beetlejoest are assholes#bc it’s funny
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What about the fog joe??
#csnt watch the stream but saw the title#haha girl don’t go into the fog#actually do but only if you’re the Beetlejoest I need it#anyways someone tell me if something earth shattering happened#*happens
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Joel, editor Joel, the Joel that asks people to subscribe, and the Joel that kills horses
Vs
Joe Hill, the Beetlejoest, the juppet, Joemez Addams
Who would win
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Thinking about the Beetlejoest, specifically how he has $50 facecam expansions instead of the normal joe $25.
We can work with this
Imagine a Joest with gold coins for eyes. He loves money, you could say it went to his head, and he refused to give the ferryman the gold coins for travel across into a final resting place. So, he’s still in the overworld, just a ghost.
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“I cannot believe you forced me into this, Joe.” Cleo hissed, taking a swig of wine.
“Cleo, networking is important even for dead people. And please, it’s Joest for the evening.” Joe took a white powder compact out of his suit pocket and dabbed at his face and beard.
“I do network! With hermits! These beings are rotting.” Cleo put down her wine and fixed one of the straps of her satin black dress.
“You are also rotting.”
“That is besides the point.” Cleo muttered, taking another swig of wine. “I just can’t believe you got in here.”
“Cleo.” Joe put down the powder and picked up his whiskey. “The art of makeup and faking confidence does wonders for getting me where I need to be. Plus, the people who live beyond death are a group of people I feel would be a good resource and creative partners. I work with you, and we get along, don’t we?”
“I tolerate your existence.” Cleo told him, but was interrupted by a gravelly-voiced and brazen ghost swagging up to them.
“YO! Cleo and that idiot that I hate! I didn’t know you were coming to this shindig! Who let you two out of the trash cans you live in, huh?”
Joe sighed. “Hello, Beetlejoest.”
“Fuck off, Beetlejoest.” Cleo said conversationally.
“Hey, hey, hey!” Beetlejoest held out his hands defensively, green smoke coming out of his ears. “No need to get sassy, Cleo girly! Just making conversation with you and your masquerading friend here! I couldn’t help but overhear you making fun of good ol’ Joe here, and I couldn’t help but agree! I think you need some good ol’ Beetlejoest in your life, to add that thrill you know you need!”
Cleo bent down slightly and grabbed the knife she had strapped to her thigh. “Nobody makes fun of Joe except me, so you better go back to whatever corner of hell you slithered from and leave me and my definitely ghost friend alone.” She jolted forward, knife held out, and Beetlejoest jumped backwards.
“Alright, alright, I’ll leave the losers club alone. Hope no one finds out about the beating heart in the room.” Beetlejoest did his best attempt at a sneer and slunk off, grabbing an entire bottle of vodka as he went.
“For goodness sake, Cleo!” Joe slapped her her hand until she put the knife back. “You don’t want to upset that guy- he has the hermitcraft IP address!”
“I could take him any day.” Cleo muttered. She smoothed her hair and resumed her calm and bored expression. “Okay, I’ll behave. Who should we go network to then, hm?”
Joe clicked his tongue, looking around the room. The dead were standing or sitting at high tables scattered about, all dressed up in their nicest business attire, chatting with one another and handing out their business cards. Of course, for the dead, business attire was mostly ballroom clothes or rotting t-shirts. The dead aren’t very good at caring.
“What about that being?” Joe pointed out a smaller blond figure wearing a dirty and tattered red sweater.
“Wow, that looks exactly like Grian from behind.” Cleo said. “Grian isn’t dead, is he?”
“No I think he’s a bird, although some birds do have death imagery associated with them.” Joe said, stroking his beard and getting white powder all over his hand. “We could talk to him. Maybe it’s his secret twin brother, Groan.”
So the two gathered their drinks and ventured from their table at the back of the room and made their way over to the red-sweatered fellow, who had their back to them at a table by themselves.
“Pardon me, can we join you, fellow dead person?” Joe asked.
The being sat up straight and turned to face them in a disjointed, jerky way, and Cleo couldn’t help but to gasp.
“I’d love company!” The being said.
It was Grian. But it was very much not Hermitcraft’s Grian. Yes there was that blond hair and the red sweater and those black eyes. But this Grian had papery, pale skin and a wicked oozing wound in the side of his neck. And, most horrific of all, this parody of Grian had a black felt Mumbo Jumbo style mustache sewn to the rotting skin of his upper lip and cheeks.
Cleo grabbed two nearby stools and sat a stunned-looking Joe on one before settling herself down on the other.
“Um, hi there. What’s your name, fella?” Cleo asked, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“Well howdy, I’m Grien! That’s G-R-I-E-N!” Grien pointed at a little nametag he’d attached to sweater that said just that.
“Grien.” Cleo said in disbelief, eyes narrowing slightly. “No relation to a guy named Grian, I suppose?” As she said it she knew it couldn’t be true- no one with working nerves would sew something into their skin like that.
“Grian? Oh, no, no, that’s not me. Who is that? Haha!” Grien’s eyes looked everywhere but at the two of them. Cleo’s mouth fell open. So was this actually Grian? “And who are you two?” As Grien spoke, the mustache began to droop, pulling on the string and the holes in his face they were looped through. The effect was horrible, and Grien didn’t seem to notice.
Joe took over speaking for them. “I’m Joe H- I mean Joest, and this is my friend ZombieCleo. We live on Hermitcraft, you may have heard of it?”
“Hermitcraft… no, can’t say I have!” Grien’s mustache was completely covering his lips now.
“You got something…” Cleo whispered, gesturing to his lips.
“What? Oh!“ Grien felt for the mustache and chuckled. “Ah, this thing, always coming loose!” He opened his mouth and stuck his fingers behind his lip, pulling on a black string and tightening it.
“Here’s our business card, we gotta go now!” Joe’s voice was at least an octave higher, and he threw a business card down on the table, grabbed Cleo’s hand, and took off into the crowd.
“Holy shit holy shit holy shit!” Cleo whispered, eyes wide, as they got back to their corner.
Joe shivered, putting his hands to his eyes as if to block out what he’d just seen. “There’s no way that’s Grian.”
“But there’s no way it’s not!” Cleo replied. “Like clearly ‘Grien’ was hiding something related to Grian, he was being so cagey.” She downed the rest of her wine. “Ugh! You would think dead things wouldn’t get to me anymore, being dead and rotting myself, but that was alarming to say the least.”
Joe shivered. “It’s like Grian and Mumbo had a person baby and it went very wrong.” He took a sip of whiskey. “Let’s never work with that guy.”
Cleo snorted. “Agreed.”
——
Interested in this headcanon of Grien from 100hrs in hardcore? I wrote another fic involving him!
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Empires!Joel and editor!Joel 🤝 Joe Hills and the Beetlejoest
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