#but forgetting to have my antidepressants probably doesn’t help lol
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Realising why I might feel like absolute shit
#I mean it’s actually because the academic stress makes me want to disappear or at least cry for 10 hours#but forgetting to have my antidepressants probably doesn’t help lol#anyway. still having a bad time#chatterboxing#also gonna clarify bc this might be relatable idk but if my posts are not under a read more they are always fine to rb#now if you’ll excuse me I have some more crying to do#this is also a psa to take ur medication if u have some#don’t forget like I keep doing
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What I would give to be able to hold you and hold your hand again haha
It’s super complicated what’s going on in my brain and my heart because I don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I could probably forgive but I don’t know if I could forget.
I mean it’s kind of shocking being shown something intimate that you thought was going to be all yours from someone else. Like don’t get me wrong I’m a grown up, if it would’ve happened any other time you do you, y’know? But it happened when we’re still fighting and I was thinking there was a chance we’d get back together. That we’d both realized that yeah we’re hurting each other but being apart is way fucking worse. But then I was shown that.
I think it broke me a bit, broke whatever trusting nature I had. Not because of you, maybe it was my own expectation. All of it has broken me a bit because I feel like I’ve stuck to what I said to you and that was for no reason other than really I just stuck to my word and who I am.
It’s all so very complicated and it doesn’t help that the adhd part of me wants to get addicted to something to help cope. It doesn’t help that my dopamine levels have been fucked forever and even recently because apparently I was taking a smaller dosage of my antidepressant — oops.
No wonder I’ve been having like such a bad time here and there LOL
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Tbh it’s probably because I successfully sold myself the idea that death is the end that my performance has been so bad lately. Even if it is as a human that kind of mindset doesn’t work to my benefit. But is was a really comforting idea for my cowardly self.
It’s probably better if I think of it more as a preparation for the next phase of my existence. But idk, my current state is really intoxicating, I’d probably need to see a phycologist because I don’t think I’ll be able to function normally without help. In a way, by believing death is the end, I’m pretty sure I died, like mentally and spiritually.
I tried to talk about it with my previous psychologist but she just ended the session and referred me to like an antidepressant dude but I don’t think I have depression medically speaking. It’s just caused because I reached a dead end in my reasoning, every time I think I end up going in circles without any new lines and it has all become redundant.
I was fine with it until now because I’m not suffering or anything and I’m pretty sure many would kill to have my life but there was a suicidal person on tw recently that made me think why wouldn’t you just die.
Actually, there’s probably no help for me after all, I don’t think a psychologist would help. It’s kind of arrogant of me thinking that if I can’t come up with a solution then no one can but I can’t help seeing that as the truth. In a way my self awareness has really been a curse and a blessing but I would probably live better without it. Or maybe this is just phony self awareness, I should doubt myself more but I don’t wanna validate others on how I should live my life.
This is truly a vicious cycle more terrifying than porn addiction. My reasoning is good but my desire to help myself has somehow been destroyed. If I can’t see my situation as bad then I can’t take action, but when it’s bad that means possibility of death so it’s actually good. I think I might need an exorcist lol. I don’t wanna admit it’s over but what is there to do? I don’t feel overly despaired or overwhelmed, I don’t feel afraid, I don’t feel love or sadness, everything has been suppressed and made ephemeral, it’s like I’ve become a robot that’s ruled by a program that has become redundant. I can’t even end this post, I can’t get new ideas, it’s better if I forget this and just start over
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Manifesting in “Good Days”
Currently, I am listening to SZA’s “Good Days” and it just sounds like the perfect, ethereal song to play while writing about the future. I know the ideal future that I want to craft is not necessarily going to pan as I want. But, is there harm in trying? Or, at least, knowing what I want and don’t want in my life.
First, to provide some context, I came across a TikTok about “How to find love in 2021.” Yes, it has come down to this cause I am very tired of being disappointed these days and getting myself more depressed (Side note: It didn’t work out with O. after literally one date. But, I told myself that it could happen. I was still sad, but I’m currently over it. Thanks antidepressants. Lol.). According to the video, these were the following steps:
Delete Dating Apps. Actually, I did this before I saw the TikTok. The only good thing that ever came out of it was getting laid. HAHA. But, I digress.
Define Who You Want. Defining emotionally, spiritually, and physically who I want is the next step. Hm, I think my hook-ups really helped me with this. Lol.
Dream Partner List. Writing down the details of the dream partner. Literally every detail and intention.
Self Care. Next step is to treat myself as I would treat my lover.
Magnetic Heart. Apparently, self care will cultivate a “magnetic heart” that will attract people that I want in my life. (Ex: Create new habits and/or go to the gym)
Be Open. “Say hello first,” take a chance, and say “yes.” Open yourself to love.
So, I completed step 1 and I’m going to try really hard not to download them again. No promises; however, I think I am really done with them this time around. Step 2 seems really hard for me since I am pretty open, but I looked up a quiz to help narrow down what I’d like:
Age doesn’t really matter. Weight is not a big issue; however, maintaining their health and wellness is crucial. Height must be taller than me (which is usually not an issue). Overall, they don’t have to be crazy built. But, I also gravitate toward someone who puts some effort into their appearance. Eye color and hair color do not matter to me.
His personal style should be simple and classic. Very minimalist. I’m not necessarily attracted to bold, flashy colors or prints. I just want him to know how to dress--whether casual or dressy.
Hobbies and interests that align with music, graphic design, intellectual conversations, exploring different restaurants and coffeeshops, and being very family oriented is very attractive to me. Basically, this would also extend into his weekend activities in one form or another.
Humor and kindness and talent are three big aspects that attract me. I like dark humor sometimes, but as long as it is playful and not really directed toward me. Haha. I love a kind man as well as a talented one--music.
His profession doesn’t matter to me as long as he is able to provide for himself and for me. I need a financially stable guy with goals. But, someone who doesn’t forget about me in the midst of trying to achieve it.
The qualities I always want and admire include thoughtfulness, kindness, intelligence (not cocky or pretentious--humble confidence), emotional availability, attentive, social, and transparency. I’ve talked to way too many guys who aren’t emotionally available or do not know how to communicate what they want or what they’re uncomfortable with.
Being flexible--partying or staying at home--is a must. I like doing both, and I want my partner to be comfortable with doing the same. Like, I want my man to be able to have conversations with my friends and be able to fit into any context that I am in.
His music tastes could be in anything as long as it’s not country. R&B, alternative pop, and lo-fi, bedroom pop are my main genres of interest.
My ideal, dream partner will know how to navigate my disability even when I don’t know how to help myself. He will know how to speak with me and understand my signals of needing help. That is key with me.
As far as steps 4-5 go, I pretty much try to do those. I’m pretty intentional and have been bold in my socializing. I’m trying to be open and saying yes (I’ve said yes to dates that I was uncomfortable with.). I think I need to do more with self care and cultivating a magnetic heart. Now that the apps are deleted, I think I can concentrate more on treating myself a bit more right and focus more on my passions.
Everyone tells you not to be in a rush. And, that’s my main flaw. I want to be loved so badly that I think I end up badly loving myself in the process. Not sure if my grammar was spot on but the intent sure was.
But, now that I made my “Dream Man” list, I’m going to let it plant it’s seed, let it grow somewhere in this crazy world, and hope that what I just wrote becomes a tangible reality. Being an optimist is so hard. Yet, I can see that my rhetoric is changing. Though forced, I think my outlook is not drowning in the abyss as it once was.
Anyway, Brandon, keep trudging through. 2021 just started and you have a year to do great things. Become the famous artist I know you can be. Make you graphic design company thrive so you don’t have to return to a traditional work life. You’ve built things from the ground up and have made money off of that. There’s potential. It’s a matter of you not giving up and keeping your eye on the prize. Even though you think no one loves you, here are people that do: Mom, Dad, your sister, G, C, T, M, A, S, L, and the list goes on. Most importantly, I love you, Brandon. You probably don’t believe it or whatever you’re typing, but you’ll look back and see the changes that have occurred. Not sure what those changes are. No matter the circumstance, the love for your own self is unwavering.
Even in the midst of your self loathing and hatred, I still love you. And the guy that gets the honor of living every single day with you is going to be so lucky. He’s going to say he’s “so lucky” and you’ll know that he’s the one. Luck is for people who see fortune in their life. If he is capable of seeing luck despite your disability, it’s not you that necessarily changed for others. Others have been transformed by you.
Love you soon. <3
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Without You
Rating: T
Genre: Fluff/Angst
Word count: 8569
Summary: Simon is severely injured and out of commission. Baz has trouble coping. Based on "you’re in a coma and I confess all my feelings only for you to wake up" request.
Read on AO3
AN: Heyyyyy, my peeps. Long time no fic. Long story short: I started antidepressants and they fucked with me hard. They wiped out of my energy for weeks, I could barely get out of bed. But now I've adjusted and I'm mostly back to myself, and I plan to get through the requests :D There's actually one request before this but that one was gonna take awhile so I thought I'd post this one first. I'm still iffy on some parts of this fic, but hey it's done. That's more than I can say for most of my writing recently lol. Hope you guys enjoy it :D. Disclaimer: Idk exactly how a coma of this length affects someone. Don't take what happens here as fact please.
———————————————
Baz
It starts as a normal day. (Well, as normal as mine can get.) Snow wakes me up at an ungodly hour, banging around like a frenetic ping pong ball. I growl and burrow deeper into my blanket pile. Why does he always insist on doing this? I swear, Snow forgets that other people exist in his little world.
He makes a particularly loud bang, equivalent to gun shot to my sensitive ears, and my patience snaps. I bolt upright and glare at his back.
“Would you keep it down?” I hiss. “Some of us actually want to sleep.”
Snow whips around so fast he nearly trips. I’m taken slightly aback. He looks like a frightened rabbit caught in the headlights. I’ve never seen him so frantic and afraid. Even his breathing is strange, rapid and shallow. What could scare the Chosen One so badly?
“I gotta- I-I can’t,” he stutters, like the adorable numpty he is. Snow is bleeding magic, making the air feel thick and smokey. We stare at each other for a long drawn out moment. Then he just leaves, dashing away in a flurry of bronze hair and untucked clothing. I’m left in the rising dawn light, feeling thoroughly perplexed.
Is Snow okay? He looked so helplessly terrified. Part of me wants to run after him, ask him what’s wrong, maybe try to help. But I know he wouldn’t tell me anything. Actually, he’d probably yell his bloody head off at me.
“Whatever,” I groan, flopping back down. And I let myself drift back off to sleep.
———————————————
Boom!
BOOM!
The entire room shakes, flinging me back into consciousness. My eyes fly open and I bolt upright. Flecks of plaster rain down from the sky like a light dusting of snow. The stones are still vibrating slightly. Crowley and Merlin and Methuselah, what the ever loving fuck was that?! Has the Mage completely lost his mind and decided to test nuclear bombs on the Watford grounds? As if he needs another bomb with Snow-
Wait. What if... No, he’s the Chosen One, he’s fine. I don’t need to worry. He was probably just panicking like a moron earlier. That explosion was...fine. He’ll be okay...
Fucking hell.
I dash out from bed, throwing on my jumper and shoes terrifyingly fast. I grab my wand just in case. As I’m running down the steps, I wonder how I’m going to explain this, dashing towards Simon bloody Snow with a racing heart and fear in my eyes. But I don’t fucking care. He might be in danger. I can’t leave him alone, I can’t, I just can’t.
The second I’m outside, I see the towering smoke coming from the Great Lawn. It’s a massive plume blacking out the sky. My undead heart is roaring in my ears as I run towards the smoke, not caring about any fire within. When I reach the edge of the spot, all the breath leaves my lungs. Flames cover the grass, burning so bright my eyes hurt. In the middle of the inferno are two silhouettes. One is kneeling, and the other is laying limp on the ground. Maybe I’m imagining, maybe I’m terrified, maybe I’m just projecting, but I swear the person on the ground has a mass of dirty bronze curls.
I raise my wand up and yell, “make a wish!” The fire goes out with a rushing pop. Grey smoke still trails off the blackened ground. I wave through the thick cloud, focusing on the two silhouettes. And when I step through, my heart sinks right to the ground.
Simon Snow is on the ground, eyes closed, laying limp with his head on Bunce’s lap.
“What happened?” I ask, voice shakier than I want it to be.
Penelope Bunce’s head whips around. Her face is streaked in ash and tears, hair a tangled mess of fading purple. Unsurprisingly, she looks utterly shocked.
“Baz?” she says. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard the explosion, what else?” I snap. “What happened? Why was the Lawn on fire?”
Bunce glares at me, but I see the way her lip trembles. She rubs her forehead, streaking ash across her skin. “It was a group of ogres. Simon spotted them from his window then sent a messenger bird to me for help. Then we came here. They were under the Humdrum’s control, completely vicious. Simon and I couldn’t hold them off. He was getting tired and scared, so...”
A few tears fall down her cheeks. She places her hand over her mouth, trying to control her rapidly increasing breath, trying to say what I already know. There’s only one thing in the World of Mages that could’ve made such a concussive sound. And this time, I heard two.
I step forward, getting a clearer view. Snow is spread out across the ground like an exhausted starfish. Eyes closed, head lolling to the side, covered head to toe in dirt, blood, and ash. His sword is still laying on his open palm. I can hear his breathing and pulse with my vampire ears. Thank fucking Crowley, he’s still alive. But from the weak sound of both, I’m not sure how long that’s going to last.
“Fucking hell,” I whisper.
Bunce nods solemnly. “I tried to wake him up, but he’s out cold.” She sniffles, and I can’t help but feel bad for her. “Is this good enough for you, Basilton? Finally getting rid of the Chosen One like you want.”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm in my mind and heart. I can’t lose control right now. I can’t react to her fiery but justified words. Not when Snow needs me.
Quick as lightning, I kneel down and scoop Simon up. I don’t go for a full on bridal carry, that’s a little too obvious. Instead, I sling him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, his sword falling to the ground, arms hanging down my back. He’s incredibly light with my strength. I have to force myself to not think about how close he is right now. This is absolutely not the time and the place for that, dammit.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” Bunce shouts, shooting to her feet.
“What does it look like?” I hiss. “I’m getting him to the nurse’s office.”
“Why would you do that?! You’re on opposite sides of a bloody war!”
Because I love him far more than my own reputation, I think. But I can’t say that out loud of course. I never can. “Because I don’t want the Mage to find a way to blame this on me and my family.”
I start speed walking across the grass before Bunce can respond. I don’t need more questions right now, I need to get Snow to help. His torso bumps against my back with every step. A stupid part of me hopes the simple vibrations and movement will wake him up. But he stays completely limp.
Crowley, Snow, if you die, I will kill you.
———————————————
“He went off twice?” Nurse Keswick asks Bunce. She nods, gripping Snow’s hand tight. He’s laying on the bed, wrapped tight in a blanket, hooked up to a heart monitor and breathing tubes in his nose. It beeps steadily, every blip reminding me he’s still alive. But his closed eyes and frozen body say he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Bunce is by his bedside while I lurk in a dark corner, though I desperately wish I could sit there too.
“Yeah,” Baz replies.”One right after another. I’ve never seen it before. The first time was like pulsing waves, but then the second was like...like a bloody nuclear bomb.” She squeezes his hand tighter. “His magic exploded out into a big dome with a mushroom cloud after. All the ogres were incinerated on the spot, along with a lot of the grass.”
Ms. Keswick nods along thoughtfully, making notes on her clipboard. “And he fell unconscious after the second one?”
Bunce’s face crumples in distress. “Yeah. I cleared most of the fire around us, then tried to wake him up with magic and just, y’know, shaking. Nothing worked.”
“I see. Any dizziness prior to today?”
“No.”
“Did any of the ogres hit him particularly hard?”
“Not that I saw.”
“Didn’t hit his head after going off again?”
“He was already unconscious before he hit the bloody ground,” Bunce snaps. Her brows pull together, matching her scowl. If I were Ms. Keswick, I would back away very slowly. Other than the Humdrum, the scariest thing in the Magical World is Penelope Bunce’s wrath. I know. I’ve been on the receiving end of it for years.
Ms. Keswick clears her throat and jots something down on her sheet. “Alright. Well, there isn’t anything physically or magically causing Mr. Snow’s unconsciousness. At least not normal magic. From what you said, it seems to be caused by an overexertion of power.”
“That’s not a thing,” I say coldly. Bunce glares at me over her shoulder, rightly assuming I’m just being my usual snarky arsehole self. But really I’m concerned Ms. Keswick is just making up a diagnosis because she doesn’t know what else to say. I don’t want Snow to suffer because of a wild guess.
“Not usually,” Ms. Keswick says slowly. “But Mr. Snow’s magic does tend to be unusual. He’s not like other mages. It’s very possible he used too much magic and...burnt himself out in a way. I just can’t tell you for sure.”
I scowl deeply. Bunce scoffs at me. I know what she thinks, that I’m upset he’s not fully dead. If only she knew how my entire world is shattering.
“Will he wake up?” Bunce asks.
Ms. Keswick’s eyes soften with sadness. She holds the clipboard to her chest. “I have to be honest, I don’t know. No spell is working. I think we just have to wait and see.”
Bunce’s face falls. It’s only because of my years of practice schooling my expression that I don’t look the same. My heart is beating so loud in my ears. I want to rush over and shake Snow awake. But that won’t do any good. Snow will stay asleep, possibly forever. I don’t even want to consider that.
The door bursts open with a bang so loud I jolt. The Mage stomps in, hand on his sword and fire in his eyes. He’s so enraged he walks right past me.
“What happened?!” he barks at Ms. Keswick and Bunce. Fucking prick.
“It was ogres,” Bunce says, sounding more than a little annoyed. “Sent by the Humdrum. Simon went off twice and passed out. I tried to wake him up but nothing worked. Ms. Keswick says we just have to wait and see.”
The Mage looks even more furious. Bastard probably doesn’t like his favourite weapon being out of commission. “Have you tried every spell, Ms. Keswick?”
“Yes, I have,” she replies. I commend her for staying calm in the face of his anger.
“I doubt that. I will try myself. Everyone leave.” He looks right at me, eyes thin blue slits. “That includes you, Mr. Pitch. I don’t even want to know why you’re here.”
I scoff, crossing my arms. “Neither I nor the Families had anything to do with this.”
“I never said that.”
“You never had to.” I push off the wall, hands linked behind my back. “I’ll be taking my leave.”
The Mage nods stiffly. He turns back to Bunce and Ms. Keswick. “As should everyone else, like I requested.”
Ms. Keswick nods and walks towards her office. Bunce frowns as she goes out the exit. I follow behind her. Before we leave, I glance over my shoulder, looking at Snow’s face one last time. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see him again.
Bunce and I walk down the hall together, me a few steps behind her. She’s stomping so hard it rattles the floorboards. If she weren’t here, I would be doing the same. I’m so damn frustrated. None of us have any idea what is going on, none of us can seem to help, and Snow is just stuck there, unable to wake up. I’m quite used to feeling helpless when it comes to Snow, but this is far worse.
“Hey.” Bunce stops and turns around. Her mouth is thin line and her voice has an edge. I cross my arms, awaiting a verbal lashing. “It feels weird to say this, but...thanks, for getting him here.”
Well, didn’t expect that. I hope Bunce can’t see the small smile on my lips. I do have a reputation. “You’re welcome. I must say, I’m surprised to hear that from you.”
“Yeah, so am I,” she chuckles in morose sort of way, rubbing up and down her arm. “I know you didn’t do it for any altruistic reasons, but still, it’s good you did it anyway. Though this doesn’t change anything.”
“I know.” She nods, then turns around and walks away. I stand still for a long moment, trying to recollect myself. I know exactly what you still think of me, Bunce. What Snow will still think of me when he wakes up. If he wakes up...
I press the heels of my hands hard into my eyes. Pitches don’t cry, dammit. I take a deep breath and recollect myself. It will be okay. It has to be. Otherwise, well, I don’t know what I’ll do.
———————————————
It’s been fourteen whole days, and Snow still hasn’t woken up. I’ve tried to ignore the anxiety that fears to it’s way through my stomach, but it gets worse with every passing second. During the day I hide it well, going about my business as usual. But at night, I spend hours laying awake, just staring at his empty bed. Having Snow there was torture, but him not being there is absolute fucking hell.
“Do you think the Chosen One is really out of commission for good?” Niall asks through his sandwich.
“Who knows,” Dev replies. “Either way, the Mage’s side is shitting their pants in fear now that their favourite weapon is gone. The Families are elated.”
Crack. Niall and Dev both jolt. Fuck. My knife nearly made it through the plate and onto the table. I could’ve goen further. Damn vampire strength. I put my utensils down calmly and pick up my teacup. “Yes,” I say evenly, “they definitely are. My father and aunt sent word that they are quite pleased.”
Luckily, both of them act like nothing happened. Good men. Niall nods as he eats his salad. “They’re finally off our backs, and we didn’t even have to do anything.”
“Very true.” I push at a piece of chicken a bit too hard, nearly sending it off my slightly cracked plate. But I quickly regain my control. “So who do you think is going to win the FA cup this year, gentlemen? My money is on Manchester.”
Dev scoffs and rolls his eyes. “You always say that. I’m betting on Liverpool.”
“And you always say that!” Niall points at him like it’s a devastating accusation, though we all know Dev’s incessant loyalty to Liverpool. My personal theory is that it’s just because he loves the Beatles.
He and Niall start arguing about the ability of football clubs, and I just sit back. I don’t have the energy for a rousing football debate. Or anything else really. It feels like every ounce of myself is going into worrying about Snow. There’s nothing left for the rest of my life.
We finish lunch, and I pretend I’m going to the library. But the second Dev and Niall are out of sight, I walk towards to the infirmary. I’ve been trying to get there since that first day, but Bunce is by his side almost every bloody hour. She would yell my ear off if I showed up. One thank you does not a friendship make. But I want to see Snow, dammit. And I know for a fact Bunce has a major test this period, while mine is totally free.
Just as I’m turning the corner, I run head on into someone. We both yell as we fall on the floor. Once my vision comes back into focus, I look up, and meet a pair of wide brown eyes.
“Oh, hello Baz,” Agatha says nervously. “What...what are you doing here?”
I gulp down the small lump in my throat and recollect myself. “I could ask the same of you, Wellbelove.”
She starts collecting her books, staring intently at the ground. “It’s my free period, and I’m going to see Simon.”
“I thought you two broke up.” Agatha freezes up. I wince slightly at my own sharp words. I didn’t mean to be that harsh. But part of me is still angry at her for hurting him. They’re disgustingly cute relationship was agony for me, but Snow was happy. That’s what matters.
Wellbelove sighs, standing with her back straight. I do the same, clutching my bookbag strap tight. “Yes, we did break up a few weeks ago. But I still care for him.”
I raise an eyebrow. “I’m not sure Snow believes that.”
She nods in a strange, solemn way. “No, I don’t think he does. But I do. I just couldn’t be what he wanted. Simon wants me to be his happy ending, the person waiting for him when all this insanity is over. I want to be someone’s right now.”
My annoyance dissipates, and I feel like a right prick. I clear my throat and look down at the floor. “I see. That’s...understandable.”
“I’m glad you get it. Simon didn’t.” I raise my eyes slightly. Agatha is gazing at the door in a forlorn sort of way. Like a gothic heroine gazing out from her balcony. “I know I did the right thing, but it was hard.”
“Most right things are.” And so are the wrong things, as I’ve learned from experience. They just tear you apart inside in a whole different way.
“Too true.” She smiles slightly. “But I’m glad I did. It was worth the risk. I’m happier now. I only wish Simon was awake so we could at least try to make up. I don’t want to lose him even more.” Her bottom lip trembles, and even though we aren’t even close to friends, it still breaks my heart. “I just want him to be okay.”
My chest feels tight at her words. Before I can stop myself, I’m nodding, and I can feel my face fall slightly, my sorrow bleeding through. I quickly school my expression and straighten up. But Agatha is looking at me, first with shock, and it slowly fades to pity. It stabs me in the gut so sharply I immediately look away. Yes, I’m pathetic, but no one needs to know.
I clear my throat and look away. “I should go. Studying, and all that.”
“Right.” She smiles softly. I can’t tell if she’s being kind because I’m so pitiful, or just because she’s nice. I don’t want to find out. So I turn my back and walk away. Snow is still stuck in that room. It’s stupidly poetic and over dramatic, but if I have a heart, it’s stuck there along with him.
———————————————
I’ve been frozen for hours. I just keep staring across the room, staring at his bed.
It’s still a complete mess. At first I didn’t want to touch his things because I prefer not getting my ear yelled off when Snow comes back. Now I can’t bear to do it, to erase the most obvious sign of his presence. Looking at the crumpled sheets reminds me he used to be here. He was here, where I could make sure he was alive and okay.
He’s still alive, you dolt, my rational brain reminds me. But not in any way that really counts. I want him to be laughing, snarling, yelling, living his damn life. He should be here. It’s not fair. Simon Snow doesn’t deserve to be in a coma.
What I wouldn’t give for him to wake up.
What I wouldn’t give to have him in my arms.
I didn’t get to see him yesterday. And I feel like if I don’t right now, I’m going to catch fire and burn to a crisp.
I throw my quilt off and swing my legs over the side. I don’t even bother putting on shoes. After slowly descending the stairs of Mummer’s house, I tiptoe through the halls. Luckily, I’m very good at being totally silent while sneaking through Watford. It finally pays off to be like a ghost.
Eventually, I reach the nurse’s office. I press my sensitive ear to the door. There are no footsteps, no muttering, no sound except that incessant beeping I remember. With a shaky hand, I turn the brass knob, and step inside.
The moonlight pours in through the window, a silver stream perfectly illuminating the bed. I cautiously walk forward. Every step feels like I’m walking on knives. Snow is still there, obviously, a perfect sleeping statue. But he looks so different. That’s probably because he’s lost quite a bit of weight. A feeding tube can only do so much, I suppose. His cheekbones are more prominent, pushing through his pretty face. His skin looks paler too. It’s lost a lot of its golden luster, more of a pale yellow now. He looks so...empty. My undead heart shatters.
There’s a chair next to the bed. I suppose that’s where Bunce has been spending every minute she can. I sit down slowly, like it’ll bite me I want to touch him. I want to feel his skin, just in case I may never be able to again. But I hold back.
“Hello, Snow,” I say, unsure if I’m really talking to him or myself. “You’ve been here for quite awhile, huh? The window isn’t open. You’re probably overheating, you human furnace.”
I’m not an idiot, I know he’s going to wake up just because I’m talking. But how I wish his stupid blue eyes would open right now. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I reach out and lightly brush the back of his hand. Crowley, his skin is colder than his namesake. A choked sound is wrenched from my throat.
“You moron,” I hiss, “how could you go off like that unprepared? Just bring your stupid sword to fight an entire pack of ogres? Bunce was there, I know, but you two were still not enough. You should’ve thought it through more. You should have...” I take a deep breath, holding back tears. “You should have asked for my help. I could have protected you.”
My mind goes back to Wellbelove’s words. How she was scared, yet took the risk anyway to be happier. I wish I could be that brave. And...maybe I could, at least while he sleeps.
I swipe my thumb over the back of his hand, feeling every single bone in it. “You never would’ve asked me though, because you still think I hate you. But the truth is, I don’t, Snow. Not in the way you think.” I hold him tighter, tighter than I ever have before. Wet drops slide down my cheeks. Fuck, I really am pathetic. I’m a stupid blubbering mess, all over this ridiculous, brave boy. “I despise what you do to me, but I can’t despise you, Simon. You’re too strong, too clever, too incredible to hate. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, so much better than my horrible undead arse. You don’t deserve to be stuck here.” I press my fingers harder into his chilly palm. It’s all I can do to keep from falling apart.
“I know you’ve never listened to me once in our years living together, but I hope you make an exception this time. Please, wake up. The World of Mages needs you. I need you. I can’t bear to imagine a world without you in it. I don’t care if you still hate me forever. You should get to live and have your happy ending.” I reach forward and brush away a tangled mess of curls from his forehead. Because I’m a constant disappointment to myself.
“I hope you wake up, because you’re the best thing in existence. And because...” I take a deep, powerful breath, pushing the words out of that deep dark place I’ve hidden them for years. “Because I’m absolutely, hopelessly in love with you, Simon Snow. And losing you would be worse than dying again.” I lightly brush his cheek, barely touching him, but it’s enough. “So wake up, you bloody numpty. You’re not allowed to die. I won’t let you.” My voice cracks. I fall forward, pressing my tear filled eyes on my hand. “You can’t leave me yet.”
My breaths come out shaky, like a rattling old air conditioner. I haven’t let myself cry these entire two weeks, holding in every ounce of horrible, tangled despir. But they fly freely now, streaking down my cheeks. I can’t live without Snow. He’s my hopeless love, my stupid reason to live, my sun. If I’m not crashing into him, what am I doing? I’ve considered dying by his hand, but never him going before me. I can’t lose him. I don’t how to lose him and not lose what little is left of my soul as well.
A weight falls on top of my head. It’s cold, bony, and splays out over my head. A hand. I bolt upright, and I’m immediately met with plain blue eyes and a soft smile, like it takes Atlas level amounts of effort to just to pull his mouth up.
“Hi,” Snow says, voice raspy from disuse, yet somehow still the most beautiful sound.
I stare at him slack jawed for a stupid amount of time. I swear, my brain has turn to thick gruel. Simon Snow is awake, looking at me, smiling. He’s okay. And I’m holding his hand.
Immediately, I shoot back, sitting up ramrod straight, hand very far away from his. I probably look like a panicked deer. “Hello, Snow. You’re up. I’ll...go get Bunce. She’ll be very thrilled.”
I start to stand up, but the slightest brush from chilly fingers, and I freeze. I look over my shoulder. Snow is frowning in this pouty puppy dog way. He looks so unbelievably vulnerable and scared.
“Baz,” he wheezes, “don’t leave me alone, please.”
Crowley, did he really have to say that? It sends a sharp pain directly through my chest. I immediately fall back into the chair. “Okay, I won’t.”
He smiles again, making me almost sigh with relief. “How are you feeling?” I ask. I hope he doesn’t notice I’m shaking like a leaf.
“Like shit,” he chuckles. It brings a laugh out of me too, small and breathy.
“Laying in bed for two weeks will do that, Snow.”
“Yeah, true enough.” He takes a rattling breath. “I thought Penny would be the one here when I woke up. She’s been here a lot.”
My eyes widen slightly. “You know that?”
He nods slowly and winces. It obviously hurts him to move. “Yeah. After a few days, I could hear everything, I just couldn’t, y’know, open my eyes or move.”
Oh fuck. I can feel whatever little blood I have rush to my face. I hope it’s not too noticeable. There’s only so much embarrassment I can take before I explode. “Oh...everything?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah,” Snow sighs, “everything.”
He turns his head towards me. I see his wince again. I start to reach forward, like I want to what, comfort him. No, I’m not allowed to do that. I’ve never been allowed. Why the fuck do I think I can? Snow looks at my hand strangely, between confused and awestruck I think. I quickly pull my hand back into my lap.
“Sorry,” I whisper, looking very pointedly down.
“Baz, I-I told you, I heard you.” His eyes narrow slightly, as much as he can right now. “But this isn’t some plot, right?”
My blood starts to boil and a scowl nearly split my face in two. Of course in his own mind, it’s reasonable for him to ask. But I just poured out what’s left of my pathetic heart to him, even though I thought he couldn’t hear. It was the most truthful I’ve ever been in my life. And he thought I was lying.
I push my chair away. “Well, I won’t bother you with anymore of my plots. I’ll go get Bunce or Nurse Keswick now.”
“No, Baz, wait!” Snow sits up, and immediately starts coughing. His entire body convulses with the force of them. I’m immediately standing at his side
“Don’t get up, Snow.” I gently hold his upper arms and help lower him back onto the sheets. My thumbs press right into his humerus. Crowley, he really is all skin and bones right now. It hurts me in such a horrific way.
He gestures to the cup of water on the bedside table. I immediately pick it up and bring the straw to his cracked lips. Snow drinks deeply, shoulders relaxing. He ends up drinking the entire thing, then falls back on the bed. I put the cup down and sit, all thoughts of leaving obviously out the window.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just, I had to ask. I heard it all, but part of me just...can’t believe it.” Our eyes meet, and a shiver runs down my spine. “I never knew you felt like that.”
I stare at my lap, fiddling with my shaky fingers. The world is closing in, shrinking to just me, the lonely lovesick vampire who has never dealt with his feelings. Except Snow is here too. And a part of me wants him here, and another part desperately can’t handle him right now. Snow overwhelms me, always has. He rids my brain of any logical thought. It’s horrible, and I love it. Just like him.
“I made sure you didn’t,” I whisper. “I made sure no one did.”
“Yeah, I kinda guessed that.” He smiles softly again. No matter how weak he is, it’s still such a pretty smile. “For how long?”
I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut. I hope I don’t look too ridiculous “A long time, Snow. Almost since we met.”
I look up slightly. Snow’s eyes are bigger than saucer plates and his lips are slightly parted. Part of my brain supplies an intense image of my tongue between those lips, tracing the inside of his mouth, feeling every crevice. He just woke up from a coma, Basil, get a hold of yourself.
“That’s...a long time...”
I snort in a very undignified way. “No shit, Sherlock.”
“You don’t need to be an arse,” he mumbles.
“I do when you state the absolutely obvious.”
He pouts in that ridiculously adorable way again. Snow really is a giant, sword wielding, explosive puppy dog. “Why do you always go for the lowest blow? Especially if you...care about me like that.”
I gulp. Did the coma make him more articulate somehow? Maybe it rattled some of his brains loose. “Because I’m not supposed to. You know that, Snow. We’re enemies.”
“But what if I like this better?” He blurts out. His cheeks immediately go rosy pink, body a bit too iron deficient for bright scarlet.
My eyebrows furrow together. “What is this?”
“This. What we’re doing right now. Talking, being nice, not being arseholes. And,” he smiles sheepishly like a cheeky schoolboy, “I liked what you had to say, before I woke up.”
My first reaction is to blush. And my second is to scoff and stare at the wall, which is boring, but at least not his beautiful face. “Like having your ego stroked, Snow?”
The room is completely silent for a few long, drawn out seconds. I keep my eyes on the stone wall, analysing every line of mortar. Anything to not look at him. But then I feel something tepid brush over my hand, making my whole body jolt. Snow’s fingers are laying atop mine. It’s something I’ve wanted for so many years. It’s overwhelming in the best way.
“I thought about you.”
My eyebrows shoot all the way up to my hairline. “What?”
He keeps smiling, like that’s an answer. “While I was stuck here, I thought about what you were doing.
“You mean what I was plotting?”
“Yeah. And I missed you.”
I scoff, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair. “Sure, Snow.”
I keep looking at the wall, though I can’t bear to remove my hand from under his. But suddenly, I feel something slowly curl around my long fingers. I whip my head around. Snow is actually holding my hand, even after I insulted him. And when I look up, he still has that smile, despite how much strain it obviously causes him.
“You called me Simon before,” he says.
Surprisingly, it makes me laugh. Because he’s just so ridiculous, and adorable. “That’s what you care about?”
“Uh-huh. I like when you call me Simon. I like you being here, just the two of us. I like all of this better than us fighting.”
Merlin and Morgana, this is too good to be true. Simon Snow is awake, and he knows how I feel, and he likes this better than fighting. I don’t know what to do. My brain is overloaded with information and emotion, and I don’t deal well with the latter. I need to recollect myself before I do something irreversibly stupid.
Snow yawns loudly, mouth wide like a boa constrictor swallowing its prey. The analogy seems apt, honestly. I feel like Snow has swallowed me whole.
“You should rest, Snow,” I say. “You’re probably loopy from...something. Bunce will want to talk your ear off in the morning. Certainly have to have your strength for that.”
His fingers tighten on my hand. He’s so weak it’s barely a squeeze, but it makes me stay anyway. “You’re running away.”
How Snow says that so pathetically yet resolutely all at once is astounding. And it breaks my heart a bit more. “I just need to rest. And so do you.”
He frowns deeper. “Are you going to pretend that none of this happened? Make me feel crazy?”
Well, I had thought about it. But...I don’t think I can now. Not with the way Snow is looking at me with those big plain blue eyes. He destroys all my walls. He makes me feel so weak. I hate it, but I want to love it.
“How about,” I say slowly, “we talk later, when you’re not just emerging from a coma? Okay?”
Relief obviously washes over Snow. His weak body melts into the mattress. It’s good to see him relax. “Promise?”
I chuckle and shake my head. “What are you, five?”
“Please, Baz?” he asks, already drifting off to proper sleep.
Crowley, I am so weak. But maybe I really could learn to love it. I grip his hand tight, but not tight enough to hurt. His skin is warming up. He’s starting to feel like himself again. “I promise, Snow.”
He smiles as his eyes slide shut. He’s immediately asleep. Snow always looks beautiful, but smiling in his sleep, he looks positively angelic. Usually he’s curled up in a knot, whimpering and crying. But not tonight it seems.
I put his hand over his stomach, and exit the little nurse’s room. I walk back to my room in a daze. My brain is still playing catch up. Simon is awake. He’s coherent. He heard every stupid thing I had to say and he liked it. A grin spreads across my face, dopey in the best, most ridiculous way.
He’s okay. And maybe for the first time ever, so am I.
———————————————
It’s been another week and a half of Snow-less agony for me. He has to recover from quite a bit, I assume. An ogre fight, a massive going off, and a two week long coma is bound to do some damage. That’s all I know though. It’s not like Bunce is giving me daily updates on his condition. I want to go see him, desperately, but I also think he needs time to think. He needs to get his head on straight. I know he was worried I would pretend none of that night happened, but I’m more worried he will. Snow will get all his mental faculties back and pretend I never confessed my stupid undying love. Objectively, that would be best, I suppose. There’s no chance at all for us. Still, it would hurt.
“Baz? Baz? Baz are you listening?”
My head snaps up to see a very confused Dev and Niall. Shit, right, we’re supposed to be studying. There’s a test next week. A world still exists outside of Simon bloody Snow.
“Um, yes,” I say, looking back down at my extremely wordy textbook. “History of the first magical war, right. Who was the instigator?” I raise my head again, trying to look as bored and passive as my father. But both my friends still look monumentally concerned. I frown at them. “What?”
“You okay, mate?” Dev asks. “You’ve been off these past couple weeks.”
Niall nods. “Yeah, totally. Ever since the Chosen One went into a coma...”
Crowley, I hope I don’t have enough blood to blush. It keeps happening, and I hate my thoughts being out in the open. “Coincidence, my dear Niall. Finals stress has been a bastard.”
It’s an easy lie, a believable one, but a lie all the same. And unfortunately these boys have known me since I was in diapers. They look at each other briefly, then back at me, both with an expression of deadpan disbelief.
“Is it cause you actually put him in the coma?” Dev asks.
I immediately snap my pencil in half. Just one hard press of my thumb and the little stick is dismembered. Both Dev and Niall jolt. I can’t blame them, I would be shocked too. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and put the pencil down.
“Where,” I say slowly, carefully, “did you hear that?
“Um...around,” Niall replies. “People heard you were there when he went off. Some people are saying you egged him on until he blew up...”
I press my lips together and take another long, deep breath. I need to calm down before I explode. It makes sense, considering what I’ve let people think about me. But the fact that people think I’m responsible for hurting Snow, when I actually tried to save him, is so much more painful than I thought it would be. I don’t want people to think I hurt Simon. I no longer want to be known as his enemy. Crowley, I’m tired of being his enemy at all.
“Baz? You okay?”
I look up at them again. I’m not sure who said that, but both my friends look incredibly concerned. They’re good men, really, underneath all that sarcasm. I nod once.
“I’m alright,” I say, “and that’s not what happened. Snow went off on his own.”
“Okay,” Dev says. “Are you sure you’re alright though? You seem weird.”
“Yeah. I’ve just got a lot going on.”
Niall leans forward on his forearms, brows all scrunched together. “Y’know you can can tell us shit, right?”
I lightly drum my fingers on the table, creating a low rattling sound. I know he means well, but that’s not true. How could I tell them about Snow? How I’ve been in love with him for years? How I accidentally confessed and now he may want what I want? I can’t. Right?
“I know,” I say. “And I’ll tell you if there’s anything to tell.”
“Okay, good.”
Dev smiles, closed mouth and reserved, but there’s a genuine kindness in his face. “We’re always here for you, mate.”
Niall nods and smiles along with him. My eyes narrow slightly. Who are these people and what happened to Dev and Niall? They’re being too nice. We’re always arseholes to each other. They keep smiling. Maybe they’ve been hexed or something.
Or maybe...they know something.
No. No way. They haven’t possibly have figured it out. If they have, they would be yelling at me, they would hate me. That’s what I’ve always expected. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance it’ll be okay. Maybe I don’t need to be so terrified.
“Thanks,” I say slowly, then flip up my book, focusing intently on the little black words. They make my chaotic world melt away for a moment. My panic dips ever so slightly. Simon is awake, he’s okay. And for the first time ever, maybe I will be too.
———————————————
I’m laying on my bed, having my fifteenth existential crisis of the past three and a half weeks, when the door starts to open. I immediately bolt up like I’ve been electrocuted. It opens further, and every creak of old hinges sound like a thousand decibels to my ears. Soon, a tawny face peeks through, which makes my slow heartbeat skip. And when he smiles, it stops completely.
“Hey,” Snow says.
“Uh, hi. You’re back,” I say, like a useless idiot. Way to go, Basil.
“Yeah. They finally freed me.” He steps in, and I see the cane in his left hand. It’s dark red wood with a curved brass handle. It’s probably the most posh thing I’ve ever seen him with. He leans on it heavily as he walks in. His legs still look very shaky, like thin branches in the wind. He stumbles on the dip in the wood floor. Immediately I’m on my feet, rushing to his side. I catch his arms, and suddenly realise what the fuck I just did. My eyes meet Snow’s plain blue ones, wide and wondering. I have to actively stop myself from getting lost in them. We stare at each other as the seconds stretch out. I finally come back to my senses, then clear my throat and look away.
“Are you alright?” I ask.
“Y-Yeah,” Snow says.
“Good.” I take a step away, putting a respectable distance between us.
Snow steps forward, still leaning more than slightly on his cane. He sits heavily on his bed with a sigh. I sit on my own, legs pressed together, hands in my lap. I probably look like my father, far too respectable and reserved to look normal. I feel like I’m one bad moment away from falling apart or jumping out the bloody window.
“How are you feeling?” I stare at the dark wood floor. I don’t think I can look at him right now.
“Better,” Simon says. “Penny’s been helping me with moving. My muscles got all funny after two weeks stuck in a bed. But I can walk now, at least with a cane. And I can eat solid foods, thankfully.”
I chuckle quietly. “Back to scones?”
“Soon, hopefully.” I flick my eyes up for a moment, and unfortunately see his big dopey grin. My dead body melts into a white hot puddle. Damn Snow for being so painfully adorable. I have to look down again before I really do defenestrate myself.
“That’s good for you, I suppose.”
“Yeah.”
There’s another stretch of silence. Long, tension filled, agonizing silence. It makes want to eat my own skin. The image is horrifying but accurate. My tongue feels heavy and any ideas for a sentence is utterly idiotic. I’m not used to being at a complete loss for words. Is this how Snow feels all the time? It’s terrible. It gives me a new brand of sympathy for him.
“So,” both Snow and I say at the exact same time.
I look up, and he’s looking back. We stare for a moment, until Snow makes a very dignified snort. It’s like a high pitch hog. My eyes go very wide.
“Sorry,” he giggles. “Sorry.”
“Uh, it’s fine,” I say.
He keeps giggling and snorting. And it’s so stupidly ridiculous, that I laugh as well. I’m quieter and more controlled, as usual, but I’m still laughing. Snow makes a few more snorts, and it turns into a full blown howl. Head thrown back, hand pressed to his stomach. It’s so beautiful and free, so different from when he was in that bed. Before I know it, I’m howling too. It’s the loudest I’ve laughed in my entire undead life. Our sounds fill the tiny room so perfectly, and it’s absolutely glorious. Bloody hell, why haven’t I felt like this before? Why can’t I feel like this all the time?
Slowly, we start to calm down. The room returns to its usual tranquility, only the sound of birds outside the window accompanying us. Snow and I look at each other once more. He softly smiles, and I smile back.
“I still like this,” he says quickly, like he’s trying to get the words out before he stumbles.
I fiddle with my shaking fingers. “Do we even know what this is, Snow?” He shrugs, making me roll my eyes. “Have you ever noticed half your sentences are shrugs?”
“Yeah,” he chuckles. “I mean, I don’t know what this is yet. But I meant what I said before. Whatever this is, I really do like it better than fighting. Don’t you?”
I press my lips together, holding my tongue back before I say something stupid. Simon is still smiling, still looks hopeful. I know I shouldn’t want him, but every fibre of my being is crying out for Simon Snow. He offers out his hand, palm up, shaking ever so slightly. It’s so unbelievably kind, just like him.
“How can you even trust me? After everything?” I whisper harshly, because if I’m anything, I’m self destructive as fuck. Happiness and I aren’t allowed to mix, right?
“I’m not sure I fully do, but...” he shrugs and holds his hand out even farther, wiggling his fingers as much as he can. My pulse is faster than the speed of light.
Crowley, I hope I’m not doing something irrepreably idiotic.
Ignoring every sensible part of myself, I reach out and grab his hand.
Snow grins, brighter than the sun he resembles. He slowly laces our fingers together, probably waiting for me to pull away. But I don’t. For once I don’t run away. I let myself take a risk, on the smallest off chance I can find happiness. With Simon Snow.
“I want this too,” I say before I get scared. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.”
Impossibly, Simon grins even harder. I’m going to go blind from his light. “I know.”
I raise a curious eyebrow. “How long have you wanted this?”
He shrugs, and I sigh in exasperation. “Yeah, sorry,” Snow giggles, “not the answer you’re hoping for, I guess.. I dunno when, Baz. I don’t really think about things I can’t do anything about. I just know that I want this now. That’s what matters, right?”
I sigh again, but tighten my grip on his hand. “Yeah, I suppose it is. I don’t know what we’re going to do though. There’s a lot in our way.”
“That’s been true about our whole lives, innit?”
I have to nod. “True enough.”
Simon stands up, legs buckling slightly. I grab his other arm and help him turn. He sits himself next to me, so close our legs press together. His warmth shoots up through my body, spreading like a wildfire. I’d gladly burn because of him.
“We’ll figure it out,” he says with complete confidence. “I’m the Mage’s Heir, you’re a Pitch. Between the two of us we can come up with something.”
Bloody hell. He’s so willing to just barrel forward with no plan. It’s ridiculous, yet oddly inspiring. Snow doesn’t need a plan. He just wants us to be happy. The frantic part of my mind can’t handle, overthinking and over-analyzing everything that could go wrong, which is a lot.
Simon keeps grinning. I feel warmer than I have in my entire life.
Fuck everything. I just want him.
“Okay,” I sigh.
Simon’s eyes widen. “Okay?”
“Okay, I’m in. You’re an idiot, but you can have...this, if you want.”
Now his perfect, pretty lips fall open, Crowley, is he trying to kill me? “Really?
I roll my eyes out of pure habit. “Do you have cotton in your ears? Yes, really, you nump-”
And then he kisses me.
The whole world comes to a screeching halt. I’m thrown into near catatonic shock, frozen as Simon bloody Snow pushes his scorching lips against mine. His right hand cups my cheek, calluses scratching my smooth skin in the best way. I’ve never known this kind of feeling. Literally. This is my first kiss. It’s warm, soft, and made a thousand times better because it’s him, Simon Snow. Simon Snow is my first kiss. He’s still kissing me.
I’m living a charmed life.
I stay frozen for longer than I should. Crowley, could I make it more bloody obvious I’m a kiss virgin? Eventually, I let my eyes flutter shut and raise a shaky hand to cup his cheek. It’s just as soft as his lips. I tilt my head ever so slightly, and so does Simon, slotting us together even more. He does this wonderful thing with his chin that makes my thoughts melt into putty. This can’t be happening.
Snow reaches back, brushing the nape of my neck, moving up to weave his fingers in my hair. Then he clenches his fist tight and jams our faces even closer together. I inhale sharply in shock.
Bloody hell, this is real.
I pull away a bit too suddenly. Snow blinks open his blurry, pupil blown eyes. His lips are red and swollen. Could he look anymore like an image from my dreams?
“Sorry,” he says. He’s out of breath. It’s amazing.
I shake my head. “No, it’s fine. It’s just, well, you recently came out of a coma, and you’re still recovering. Maybe you shouldn’t be engaging in any...strenuous activities.”
Simon smiling and starts giggling. It’s utterly adorable. “Aw, you do care,” he says between snorts.
“Obviously.” I lean forward, tapping our foreheads together. It’s a stupidly romantic teen thing. I love it. “I care for you far too much, Simon.”
Snow slowly runs his thumb over my nape and brushes our noses together. “I care about you too. Definitely more than I thought I did.” He grabs my hand, putting it between us. “We’ll make this work, Baz. We’ve both gone through Hell. This will be a piece of cake.”
“And you do love cake.”
We chuckle together, holding each other’s faces, holding each other’s hands. There might be slightly less in our way than I thought, but there’s still a lot. But this is all I’ve ever wanted, and I’m going to fight like hell for it. I think Snow will too.
“We can do this,” he sighs, hot breath caressing my cool skin.
I hold Simon tight. I almost lost him once. Never again. “We can.”
Snow and I sit there for a long while. And for the first time in my miserable unlife, I feel at peace.
———————————————
AN: Hope y'all enjoyed that :) Tbh I feel like this isn't my best work but I'm still proud of it. The fact that I was able to write at all was an achievement. Also I love angsty overthinking Baz lol, and the ending was super sweet imo. I hope to get back to more regular posting soon. Thanks for being patient. See you peeps again soon :)
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Running a business with PMDD
I suffer from a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, its sometimes referred to as severe PMS although it is certainly way worse than PMS. It has only recently (May 2019) been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a unique condition meaning that PMDD will be considered a separate condition to severe PMS, should see more funding and research and allow doctors across the world to standardise their terms. Hopefully leading to more diagnoses and better treatment and understanding.
The WHO defines PMDD as:
“a pattern of mood symptoms (depressed mood, irritability), somatic symptoms (lethargy, joint pain, overeating), or cognitive symptoms (concentration difficulties, forgetfulness) that begin several days before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and then become minimal or absent within approximately 1 week following the onset of menses.”[i]
PMDD is debilitating, it has caused women to commit suicide. There are no specific treatments for it; for some women hormonal contraception works well, for other antidepressants, and for a handful of women only a full hysterectomy has helped. Whatever the treatments, PMDD is different for different women – it affects us all differently.
PMDD and Me
For me PMDD is that girl in high school that was a bit two faced, smiles to your face when she needs you but when your back is turned pulled that ‘urgh’ face and rolls her eyes to her ‘real’ mates – you know the one I mean.
She is never the same though, some months she can be quite mild and meek, maybe a bit of insomnia and overeating, sometimes a bit grumpy or irritable – kinda friendly but you know that there is a storm brewing. Other months she is in full on Bitch Mode! She makes me believe my husband is having an affair, she makes me eat ALL DAY, she tells me I’m no good, she makes me want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible.
And when you have this whilst running your own one-man band business it’s really bloody hard! As a small business owner hand making you own products you already question yourself pretty much daily; is my stuff any good, why do people buy it, why aren’t people buying it, shall I just jack it in and go back to ‘real’ work full time? So, add PMDD into the mix and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I bloody hate rollercoasters!
With PMDD I get these amazing times of euphoria, exciting manic times where my creativity and enthusiasm are in overdrive and OMG these times are awesome. I come up with some of my best work during this time, my marketing strategies all just seem to work, I love being around people and go out and network loads.
But then I have to crash, and I kinda know I will but I never know how hard. Sometimes I’ll just have a teary day, one where nothing goes right, I miss stamp literally everything and nothing I post on social media is interesting, so no one comments. But sometimes this just lasts 1 day and I don’t even realise until my period starts that this day happened. But other times I crash bad… I just hate everyone and everything, my customer service goes out of the window as everyone is against me. Why bother posting on social media as I can’t make it sound nice or enthusiastic. I spend pretty much all day holding back the tears and my horrible attitude, I just want to stay in bed but I can’t sleep, I eat EVERYTHING in sight and I literally have to force myself to do even the most menial of tasks.
One of the very worst things about these really deep lows is that I don’t recognise myself, I am usually (for the other 2/3 weeks of the month) a really happy and enthusiastic person which is why I sometimes don’t even realise the manic days have happened until the low starts. The lows that scare me are the ones where I don’t want to be around people, especially when you have a house to run with 2 small children and a husband and a part time job. The ones where I just can’t seem to snap out of it, I know I’m in deep, I can’t stop myself saying some nasty things and snapping at those closest to me. The lows where any orders I get don’t matter, they’ll probably just hate it when it arrives anyway so what’s the point making it at all. Any messages I get I just can’t be arsed to reply as the questions are just so inane and pointless, or they’re just moaning at me for no reason – no your order that you placed 10 mins ago won’t be with you tomorrow as I have to HAND MAKE IT! I have to stop myself replying with a message saying ‘won’t you just f*ck off already, you’ll get it when I decide you’re worthy enough to make my crappy handmade sh*t that you probably won’t like anyway and you won’t bother to leave me any feedback even if you do’ (that’s a whole other blog for another time!)
So why am I writing this blog now?
It is now December 2019 and I’ve been trying to write this since PMDD awareness month back in April 2019! At the beginning of the month I had a plan to do some awesome posts about it, create some keyrings, maybe even raise some money. Then it hits… why would anyone want to buy any of my keyrings, I’d be doing the cause a grave injustice in creating such shit products. Believe me, the irony of this is not lost! The irony of the negative thoughts is never lost once I come out the other side, and it’s this irony that delays me getting the help I need. A few days passes and you convince yourself that it wasn’t so bad, it was just you feeling a bit blue for a day. You get on with life, looking after the kids, bury yourself in work; the high is well and truly convincing you that you are absolutely fine and that next month won’t be so bad. But then you notice the date, it’s a few days before you are due to ovulate and here we go again…
I went to my GP in May 2019 as the symptoms were not getting any better and asked to have the hormonal coil fitted again as it had helped me so much before I had my second baby. It was fitted in June this year and I waited the 3 months to see if it would help, it unfortunately didn’t and in October I had one of my worst lows to date. It was horrendous and I booked a GP appointment at 2am after being awake for nearly 48hrs, having eaten god knows how much food, drunk far too much wine and cried at every little thing I watched. I saw my GP a couple of weeks later, obviously I was feeling much better but I am determined to get this thing sorted and she was amazing and we went through the options and I decided on trying oestrogen for the 2 weeks prior to my cycle. I had to giggle to myself when reading the instructions; firstly because I have to rub 1 squirt of this gel into my thigh at the same time every day, and secondly because this is effectively HRT given to older ladies at the time of the change LOL!
Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is working for me, I’m 4 days before I am normally due on and the symptoms are back. Definitely not as severe as the October crash but the feelings of annoyance, self-doubt and pointlessness of it all are here, my next step is perhaps anti-depressants, so I’ll book an appointment with the GP and see what the next steps are.
My battle with PMDD and keeping sane for my business continues, even as I write this I am questioning all my plans for 2020. I have/had some great ideas but that little well of anxiety is brewing up again and I’m thinking it’ll just be better/easier to scrap it all. I won’t though, I’ll step away from social media, take some time out for me (although with this comes the Mum Guilt fun) and give myself a good talking to that this will pass and next week I’ll be buzzing and posting non-stop and bugging everyone again! Until next month…
Thanks for reading,
Emma xx
For more information and guidance for PMDD please check out the MIND website here or IAPMD here, or feel free to drop me a message.
You can also download an app to track your symptoms here.
[i] https://iapmd.org/position-statements-1/2019/6/11/world-health-organization-adds-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd-into-the-icd-11
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9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind is courtesy of: www.knowmystatus.life
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind
Ah milk. The Dairy Council spends billions of dollars each year promoting the benefits of this cold, white drink. But have you ever wondered about the benefits of man milk? Yes, you read that correctly, man milk, aka semen.
As crazy as it sounds, semen has a multitude of benefits stemming from the minerals and nutrients it contains, and those seminal benefits can be passed directly on to you. That’s right; we did the research and now we’re here to present you with the facts.
Perhaps you’ve recently swallowed some baby gravy, or you enjoy drinking that man milk routinely. Regardless, you’re looking to find out if this creamy substance will provide you with anything more than a slightly sour stomach and a faint acidic aftertaste. So let’s take a dive into this sticky subject, and see the benefits that it offers.
Vaginal/Anal Intake
The vaginal and rectal linings are very absorbent, so either one is a viable route for soaking up the nutrients in your man’s spunk sauce.
Antidepressant
Semen contains quite a few components that have been studied to show anti-depressant qualities. One of these is nerve growth factor. Its primary responsibility in semen is to help relax the female so that the sperm can achieve its reproductive objective. It’s also been shown to be a vital hormone missing in the brains of those who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. This means that increasing nerve growth factor would only prove to make people happier. Additionally, nerve growth factor has been found to be an anti-inflammatory as well as an antioxidant.
Antianxiety
Semen contains mood-enhancing compounds like oxytocin, progesterone, estrone, serotonin, and melatonin. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” because, when released, it makes people feel more affectionate and connected. Progesterone has been shown to have anti-anxiety characteristics. Estrone piggybacks on serotonin to help enhance moods, and melatonin helps relaxation occur.
Mood Enhancement
A study backed by the SUNY institute found that female college students who received baby batter on a regular basis were happier and less suicidal than those who didn’t. Researchers chalked this up to the mood-enhancing benefits of semen, however, they didn’t take into account any other factors, like a happy home life, being successful in school, or, I don’t know, getting raw D on the reg. Sounds like a pretty good place to be in life, and it sounds a little irresponsible to claim that the happiness of these women was directly dependent upon getting 20 ccs of white gold injected into them without taking any other factors into account. But what do I know? I’m no scientist. I’m just a chick writing a blog post about the benefits of man mayo.
Ingestion
The amount of Google searches for “eating cum” is astounding: a little under 10,000 for the past month, to be exact. In fact, this may have been the route you were thinking of when you initially clicked on this blog post. Lucky for you, we’ve got what you were looking for. Swallowing semen is the quickest way to get all of the benefits of your man’s baby juice, and think, he might even enjoy it too.
Longevity
We know this might be hard to swallow, but yes, semen can make you live longer. Spermidine (originally isolated from sperm, hence the name), when ingested, has been proven to dramatically increase the lifespan of animals by as much as 25 percent. In the same study, it was also found to prevent liver disease as well as liver cancer.
Cognitive Functioning
Nerve growth factor does a lot for the body. In addition to being an antidepressant, an anti-inflammatory, and an antioxidant, it’s also known to help stop the brain from aging. Nerve growth factor, which is very abundant in semen, is vital for maintaining the brain’s neurons. Neurons process and transmit information; they’re what make your brain work. Survival of these neurons is essential for you to have a working brain! Who knew that giving brain could affect your brain in such a positive way?
Nutritional Benefits
Have you recently taken a vitamin deficiency test (maybe on HealthLabs.com), and found that you were lacking in a few vital nutrients? Well get a spoon and ask your man for a plate of some nut butter, because semen is chock full of zinc, potassium, magnesium, calcium, and citrate. The nutrients get absorbed in your body like a less expensive vitamin shot (see ya later, Jamba Juice).
Topical
This might come as a surprise to you, but semen not only benefits the inside of your body but the outside as well. That’s right, with the amounts of zinc, vitamin c, and spermidine in your dude’s jizz, you could open up your own skincare line (this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA).
Teeth
Looking for an alternative, all-natural teeth whitening solution? Forget the charcoal; check out your man’s chubby. Although it’s not the white paste you’re used to putting on your toothbrush, semen has loads of zinc in it, which is a natural teeth whitener. Zinc’s seminal job is to aid the sperm’s survival. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t also aid the survival of your pearly whites.
Hair
Have you heard of a keratin treatment? Basically, you pay someone hundreds of dollars to put protein in your hair to make it stronger. Well, did you know that there’s a source of protein that you probably haven’t considered? Semen has over 200 different kinds of protein in it which can give your hair the strength and shine that it so desperately needs.
Semen also contains spermidine, which, when used on human scalps, has been shown to promote shaft elongation (LOL) as well as prolonged hair growth. Even though semen may be the one thing that you’ve actively tried to keep out of your hair, go ahead and consider this DIY hair treatment the next time you want to give your hair some life (get it?).
Skin
Spermidine is back, baby! In addition to increasing longevity and aiding in healthy hair, spermidine is an antioxidant and is great for the skin. It’s believed to smooth skin, lessen wrinkles, and even diminish acne. In fact, companies sell spermidine-derived facial cream for upwards of $200! If you’re not looking to spend that money, a money shot would be a cheaper and more natural alternative. 😉
Injaculation
Let’s say you’re a man reading this blog post, and your partner doesn’t have a penis, or your penis-wielding partner isn’t willing to give you a nice, cold glass of man milk, so the only readily available source of semen is your own. You should be able to get some seminal rewards too! Sure, go ahead and smear it on your face and in your hair, but does the thought of drinking your own kool-aid or shooting it up your butt disgust and terrify you in ways that you’ve never felt before? Not to fear! There’s a way for you to utilize your own love juice, and it involves loving yourself.
Injaculation, or “retrograde ejaculation” is the process of releasing your semen inside your own body. When nearing close to an ejaculation, instead of allowing the splooge and all of its benefits land on an ungrateful sock, you release it in retrograde, or back inside of your body. It may sound painful or unnatural, but it’s not. Taoists have practiced injaculating for thousands of years, as well as certain sects of Buddhism, Hinduism, and even ancient Egyptians! So go on, show yourself some love.
Things to Remember
Now you know the different ways you can use that baby batter to your benefit, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before diving face-first into a vat of high fructose porn syrup.
Secure and Confidential
STD testing services
The fastest results possbile - available in 1 to 2 days
GET TESTED TODAY
You can be allergic to semen. Before you go smearing it on your skin or guzzling it down like the thirsty thirst trap you are, know that there is an allergy called Human Seminal Plasma Protein Hypersensitivity. It can lead to an allergic reaction including itching, wheezing, hives, chest tightness, and difficulty breathing.
Though semen contains tons and tons of benefits, remember that it doesn’t come in huge quantities (~ 1 tsp). You would need to use a lot of semen to see most of the results. So, if you’re only using that baby formula for the benefits, you might be disappointed. Instead, we implore you to enjoy the nut butter for what it is and see the benefits as an added incentive.
Finally, and this is really, truly, the most important part: Make sure your source of semen is STD-free! You will do a lot more harm than good if you pour infected liquid gold all over your body. Let your man know that you’re interested in benefiting from his groin gravy, but he needs to get tested first.
*Remember, you can get STDs from oral sex, anal sex, and getting sex fluids in your eyes!*
And if you’re interested in learning more about the specific components of semen, check out our post on What’s Semen Made of.
Medically Reviewed by J. Frank Martin JR., MD on October 2, 2018
from Know My Status- STD Test https://ift.tt/33xxeft
via IFTTT
0 notes
Text
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind is courtesy of: www.knowmystatus.life
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind
Ah milk. The Dairy Council spends billions of dollars each year promoting the benefits of this cold, white drink. But have you ever wondered about the benefits of man milk? Yes, you read that correctly, man milk, aka semen.
As crazy as it sounds, semen has a multitude of benefits stemming from the minerals and nutrients it contains, and those seminal benefits can be passed directly on to you. That’s right; we did the research and now we’re here to present you with the facts.
Perhaps you’ve recently swallowed some baby gravy, or you enjoy drinking that man milk routinely. Regardless, you’re looking to find out if this creamy substance will provide you with anything more than a slightly sour stomach and a faint acidic aftertaste. So let’s take a dive into this sticky subject, and see the benefits that it offers.
Vaginal/Anal Intake
The vaginal and rectal linings are very absorbent, so either one is a viable route for soaking up the nutrients in your man’s spunk sauce.
Antidepressant
Semen contains quite a few components that have been studied to show anti-depressant qualities. One of these is nerve growth factor. Its primary responsibility in semen is to help relax the female so that the sperm can achieve its reproductive objective. It’s also been shown to be a vital hormone missing in the brains of those who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. This means that increasing nerve growth factor would only prove to make people happier. Additionally, nerve growth factor has been found to be an anti-inflammatory as well as an antioxidant.
Antianxiety
Semen contains mood-enhancing compounds like oxytocin, progesterone, estrone, serotonin, and melatonin. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” because, when released, it makes people feel more affectionate and connected. Progesterone has been shown to have anti-anxiety characteristics. Estrone piggybacks on serotonin to help enhance moods, and melatonin helps relaxation occur.
Mood Enhancement
A study backed by the SUNY institute found that female college students who received baby batter on a regular basis were happier and less suicidal than those who didn’t. Researchers chalked this up to the mood-enhancing benefits of semen, however, they didn’t take into account any other factors, like a happy home life, being successful in school, or, I don’t know, getting raw D on the reg. Sounds like a pretty good place to be in life, and it sounds a little irresponsible to claim that the happiness of these women was directly dependent upon getting 20 ccs of white gold injected into them without taking any other factors into account. But what do I know? I’m no scientist. I’m just a chick writing a blog post about the benefits of man mayo.
Ingestion
The amount of Google searches for “eating cum” is astounding: a little under 10,000 for the past month, to be exact. In fact, this may have been the route you were thinking of when you initially clicked on this blog post. Lucky for you, we’ve got what you were looking for. Swallowing semen is the quickest way to get all of the benefits of your man’s baby juice, and think, he might even enjoy it too.
Longevity
We know this might be hard to swallow, but yes, semen can make you live longer. Spermidine (originally isolated from sperm, hence the name), when ingested, has been proven to dramatically increase the lifespan of animals by as much as 25 percent. In the same study, it was also found to prevent liver disease as well as liver cancer.
Cognitive Functioning
Nerve growth factor does a lot for the body. In addition to being an antidepressant, an anti-inflammatory, and an antioxidant, it’s also known to help stop the brain from aging. Nerve growth factor, which is very abundant in semen, is vital for maintaining the brain’s neurons. Neurons process and transmit information; they’re what make your brain work. Survival of these neurons is essential for you to have a working brain! Who knew that giving brain could affect your brain in such a positive way?
Nutritional Benefits
Have you recently taken a vitamin deficiency test (maybe on HealthLabs.com), and found that you were lacking in a few vital nutrients? Well get a spoon and ask your man for a plate of some nut butter, because semen is chock full of zinc, potassium, magnesium, calcium, and citrate. The nutrients get absorbed in your body like a less expensive vitamin shot (see ya later, Jamba Juice).
Topical
This might come as a surprise to you, but semen not only benefits the inside of your body but the outside as well. That’s right, with the amounts of zinc, vitamin c, and spermidine in your dude’s jizz, you could open up your own skincare line (this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA).
Teeth
Looking for an alternative, all-natural teeth whitening solution? Forget the charcoal; check out your man’s chubby. Although it’s not the white paste you’re used to putting on your toothbrush, semen has loads of zinc in it, which is a natural teeth whitener. Zinc’s seminal job is to aid the sperm’s survival. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t also aid the survival of your pearly whites.
Hair
Have you heard of a keratin treatment? Basically, you pay someone hundreds of dollars to put protein in your hair to make it stronger. Well, did you know that there’s a source of protein that you probably haven’t considered? Semen has over 200 different kinds of protein in it which can give your hair the strength and shine that it so desperately needs.
Semen also contains spermidine, which, when used on human scalps, has been shown to promote shaft elongation (LOL) as well as prolonged hair growth. Even though semen may be the one thing that you’ve actively tried to keep out of your hair, go ahead and consider this DIY hair treatment the next time you want to give your hair some life (get it?).
Skin
Spermidine is back, baby! In addition to increasing longevity and aiding in healthy hair, spermidine is an antioxidant and is great for the skin. It’s believed to smooth skin, lessen wrinkles, and even diminish acne. In fact, companies sell spermidine-derived facial cream for upwards of $200! If you’re not looking to spend that money, a money shot would be a cheaper and more natural alternative. 😉
Injaculation
Let’s say you’re a man reading this blog post, and your partner doesn’t have a penis, or your penis-wielding partner isn’t willing to give you a nice, cold glass of man milk, so the only readily available source of semen is your own. You should be able to get some seminal rewards too! Sure, go ahead and smear it on your face and in your hair, but does the thought of drinking your own kool-aid or shooting it up your butt disgust and terrify you in ways that you’ve never felt before? Not to fear! There’s a way for you to utilize your own love juice, and it involves loving yourself.
Injaculation, or “retrograde ejaculation” is the process of releasing your semen inside your own body. When nearing close to an ejaculation, instead of allowing the splooge and all of its benefits land on an ungrateful sock, you release it in retrograde, or back inside of your body. It may sound painful or unnatural, but it’s not. Taoists have practiced injaculating for thousands of years, as well as certain sects of Buddhism, Hinduism, and even ancient Egyptians! So go on, show yourself some love.
Things to Remember
Now you know the different ways you can use that baby batter to your benefit, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before diving face-first into a vat of high fructose porn syrup.
Secure and Confidential
STD testing services
The fastest results possbile - available in 1 to 2 days
GET TESTED TODAY
You can be allergic to semen. Before you go smearing it on your skin or guzzling it down like the thirsty thirst trap you are, know that there is an allergy called Human Seminal Plasma Protein Hypersensitivity. It can lead to an allergic reaction including itching, wheezing, hives, chest tightness, and difficulty breathing.
Though semen contains tons and tons of benefits, remember that it doesn’t come in huge quantities (~ 1 tsp). You would need to use a lot of semen to see most of the results. So, if you’re only using that baby formula for the benefits, you might be disappointed. Instead, we implore you to enjoy the nut butter for what it is and see the benefits as an added incentive.
Finally, and this is really, truly, the most important part: Make sure your source of semen is STD-free! You will do a lot more harm than good if you pour infected liquid gold all over your body. Let your man know that you’re interested in benefiting from his groin gravy, but he needs to get tested first.
*Remember, you can get STDs from oral sex, anal sex, and getting sex fluids in your eyes!*
And if you’re interested in learning more about the specific components of semen, check out our post on What’s Semen Made of.
Medically Reviewed by J. Frank Martin JR., MD on October 2, 2018
from Know My Status- STD Test https://ift.tt/33xxeft
via IFTTT
0 notes
Text
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind is courtesy of: www.knowmystatus.life
9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind
Ah milk. The Dairy Council spends billions of dollars each year promoting the benefits of this cold, white drink. But have you ever wondered about the benefits of man milk? Yes, you read that correctly, man milk, aka semen.
As crazy as it sounds, semen has a multitude of benefits stemming from the minerals and nutrients it contains, and those seminal benefits can be passed directly on to you. That’s right; we did the research and now we’re here to present you with the facts.
Perhaps you’ve recently swallowed some baby gravy, or you enjoy drinking that man milk routinely. Regardless, you’re looking to find out if this creamy substance will provide you with anything more than a slightly sour stomach and a faint acidic aftertaste. So let’s take a dive into this sticky subject, and see the benefits that it offers.
Vaginal/Anal Intake
The vaginal and rectal linings are very absorbent, so either one is a viable route for soaking up the nutrients in your man’s spunk sauce.
Antidepressant
Semen contains quite a few components that have been studied to show anti-depressant qualities. One of these is nerve growth factor. Its primary responsibility in semen is to help relax the female so that the sperm can achieve its reproductive objective. It’s also been shown to be a vital hormone missing in the brains of those who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. This means that increasing nerve growth factor would only prove to make people happier. Additionally, nerve growth factor has been found to be an anti-inflammatory as well as an antioxidant.
Antianxiety
Semen contains mood-enhancing compounds like oxytocin, progesterone, estrone, serotonin, and melatonin. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” because, when released, it makes people feel more affectionate and connected. Progesterone has been shown to have anti-anxiety characteristics. Estrone piggybacks on serotonin to help enhance moods, and melatonin helps relaxation occur.
Mood Enhancement
A study backed by the SUNY institute found that female college students who received baby batter on a regular basis were happier and less suicidal than those who didn’t. Researchers chalked this up to the mood-enhancing benefits of semen, however, they didn’t take into account any other factors, like a happy home life, being successful in school, or, I don’t know, getting raw D on the reg. Sounds like a pretty good place to be in life, and it sounds a little irresponsible to claim that the happiness of these women was directly dependent upon getting 20 ccs of white gold injected into them without taking any other factors into account. But what do I know? I’m no scientist. I’m just a chick writing a blog post about the benefits of man mayo.
Ingestion
The amount of Google searches for “eating cum” is astounding: a little under 10,000 for the past month, to be exact. In fact, this may have been the route you were thinking of when you initially clicked on this blog post. Lucky for you, we’ve got what you were looking for. Swallowing semen is the quickest way to get all of the benefits of your man’s baby juice, and think, he might even enjoy it too.
Longevity
We know this might be hard to swallow, but yes, semen can make you live longer. Spermidine (originally isolated from sperm, hence the name), when ingested, has been proven to dramatically increase the lifespan of animals by as much as 25 percent. In the same study, it was also found to prevent liver disease as well as liver cancer.
Cognitive Functioning
Nerve growth factor does a lot for the body. In addition to being an antidepressant, an anti-inflammatory, and an antioxidant, it’s also known to help stop the brain from aging. Nerve growth factor, which is very abundant in semen, is vital for maintaining the brain’s neurons. Neurons process and transmit information; they’re what make your brain work. Survival of these neurons is essential for you to have a working brain! Who knew that giving brain could affect your brain in such a positive way?
Nutritional Benefits
Have you recently taken a vitamin deficiency test (maybe on HealthLabs.com), and found that you were lacking in a few vital nutrients? Well get a spoon and ask your man for a plate of some nut butter, because semen is chock full of zinc, potassium, magnesium, calcium, and citrate. The nutrients get absorbed in your body like a less expensive vitamin shot (see ya later, Jamba Juice).
Topical
This might come as a surprise to you, but semen not only benefits the inside of your body but the outside as well. That’s right, with the amounts of zinc, vitamin c, and spermidine in your dude’s jizz, you could open up your own skincare line (this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA).
Teeth
Looking for an alternative, all-natural teeth whitening solution? Forget the charcoal; check out your man’s chubby. Although it’s not the white paste you’re used to putting on your toothbrush, semen has loads of zinc in it, which is a natural teeth whitener. Zinc’s seminal job is to aid the sperm’s survival. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t also aid the survival of your pearly whites.
Hair
Have you heard of a keratin treatment? Basically, you pay someone hundreds of dollars to put protein in your hair to make it stronger. Well, did you know that there’s a source of protein that you probably haven’t considered? Semen has over 200 different kinds of protein in it which can give your hair the strength and shine that it so desperately needs.
Semen also contains spermidine, which, when used on human scalps, has been shown to promote shaft elongation (LOL) as well as prolonged hair growth. Even though semen may be the one thing that you’ve actively tried to keep out of your hair, go ahead and consider this DIY hair treatment the next time you want to give your hair some life (get it?).
Skin
Spermidine is back, baby! In addition to increasing longevity and aiding in healthy hair, spermidine is an antioxidant and is great for the skin. It’s believed to smooth skin, lessen wrinkles, and even diminish acne. In fact, companies sell spermidine-derived facial cream for upwards of $200! If you’re not looking to spend that money, a money shot would be a cheaper and more natural alternative. 😉
Injaculation
Let’s say you’re a man reading this blog post, and your partner doesn’t have a penis, or your penis-wielding partner isn’t willing to give you a nice, cold glass of man milk, so the only readily available source of semen is your own. You should be able to get some seminal rewards too! Sure, go ahead and smear it on your face and in your hair, but does the thought of drinking your own kool-aid or shooting it up your butt disgust and terrify you in ways that you’ve never felt before? Not to fear! There’s a way for you to utilize your own love juice, and it involves loving yourself.
Injaculation, or “retrograde ejaculation” is the process of releasing your semen inside your own body. When nearing close to an ejaculation, instead of allowing the splooge and all of its benefits land on an ungrateful sock, you release it in retrograde, or back inside of your body. It may sound painful or unnatural, but it’s not. Taoists have practiced injaculating for thousands of years, as well as certain sects of Buddhism, Hinduism, and even ancient Egyptians! So go on, show yourself some love.
Things to Remember
Now you know the different ways you can use that baby batter to your benefit, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before diving face-first into a vat of high fructose porn syrup.
Secure and Confidential
STD testing services
The fastest results possbile - available in 1 to 2 days
GET TESTED TODAY
You can be allergic to semen. Before you go smearing it on your skin or guzzling it down like the thirsty thirst trap you are, know that there is an allergy called Human Seminal Plasma Protein Hypersensitivity. It can lead to an allergic reaction including itching, wheezing, hives, chest tightness, and difficulty breathing.
Though semen contains tons and tons of benefits, remember that it doesn’t come in huge quantities (~ 1 tsp). You would need to use a lot of semen to see most of the results. So, if you’re only using that baby formula for the benefits, you might be disappointed. Instead, we implore you to enjoy the nut butter for what it is and see the benefits as an added incentive.
Finally, and this is really, truly, the most important part: Make sure your source of semen is STD-free! You will do a lot more harm than good if you pour infected liquid gold all over your body. Let your man know that you’re interested in benefiting from his groin gravy, but he needs to get tested first.
*Remember, you can get STDs from oral sex, anal sex, and getting sex fluids in your eyes!*
And if you’re interested in learning more about the specific components of semen, check out our post on What’s Semen Made of.
Medically Reviewed by J. Frank Martin JR., MD on October 2, 2018
from Know My Status- STD Test https://ift.tt/33xxeft
via IFTTT
0 notes
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