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angel-nique · 4 years

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Thirteen Reasons Why and Justin’s death...

So, I've been a watcher of Thirteen Reasons Why since the start of the show. I was a huge fan of the book before the show was even thought of and when I say that the series finale got to me, I mean it REALLY got to me.

Over these 3 years of watching the show I fell in love with the characters as if they were real people and I knew them. Obviously I didn't, they are fictional characters(lol)

But when you grow up feeling alone, and feeling as if you have literally no one to talk to, to tell your deepest darkest feelings to, to cry your heart out to the point that it feels as if it is in pain. You start to reach out to other things

Some people choose sports, some dance, some music, some reading, writing, drawing, painting, and others watching movies and TV shows for the chance to feel like you are in a new world, away from the one you wish you could escape.

For me, the things that help me escape are reading, music, and watching a TV show/movie because with all these things I'm able to experience things that I wish I could experience in real life. Such as love, happiness, confidence, and sureness of where I am going.

I get to picture myself dancing which is something I've always wanted to do, singing which is a dream that never left but is so far out of my reach, a guy loving me for me and not my body, thinking that I'm pretty and so much more. And for an hour, two hours, three hours, or more, I get to be the girl that I look for every time I look in the mirror even if once I finish the song, movie, or show it'll all be over it's worth being in that moment because for that moment, I am happy, I am me(or who I want to be)

When I was younger, I was raped by a "brother" of mine. (The quotation marks because I don't see him as blood anymore) and it was a very hard situation to deal with on my own from the age of 7 to 18 and it is still VERY hard to deal with to this day.

When you're a little girl, you have all these innocent thoughts of the world and you dream big, and think everything will be all gumdrops and rainbows. I had to learn that wasn't true at all at just 7 years old...

Watching Thirteen Reasons Why, I realized that you know, I am not alone. Yes, I went through this traumatic situation and I will for the rest of my life, because it will in fact stay with me forever, but it is up to me to live, because I can allow it to break me, or I can say fuck you right to it's face, and that is what I want to do.

Justin didn't go through what I have in life, but watching someone that went through hell and back about 4 times, want so fucking bad to just get better, but ends up dying... I can't even begin to explain to anyone, not even myself really just how much my heart hurt for a fictional character. I have never in my life felt like I was in literal physical pain from a fictional character passing away

Justin loved people with all his heart and he was truly a pure character that had his falls in life, and all he wanted was to be loved, feel it, love himself, and be the best that he could be and he worked so hard toward it. But like I said even though, our situations can't be any more different, I seen myself in Justin, I see Justin in me and I relate to him on such a strong spiritual, and mental level

I have so much family around me but I don't feel loved, I don't think I am deserving of it, and I feel lost but I don't want to show others, and I am terrified that one day, that feeling of not wanting to disappoint others will ultimately kill me, like it did Justin and that scares me

When Justin died I felt like I died because I see me when I see Justin, and I know I should get help for it, but here I go worrying about others, and not wanting them to worry about me... Justin wanted to get better so bad, but it wasn't in his future, I'm scared it won't be in mine either because can broken people truly put the pieces back together??

Basically what I am trying to say is that, Thirteen Reasons Why truly messed with my emotions and I spent a good hour and a half crying my eyes out to the point of a headache in my shower, and I am pretty sure that it will take me quite a bit to get over it.

#i am so sorry that I am dramatic #but this is how I genuinely feel #thirteen reasons why #13 reasons why #13rw #justin foley #i am seriously so sad #please send help

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jiminies-ahmee · 6 years

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REACTION: NCT U

Reaction: NCT U reacting to their S/O being insecure

Requested by @you-cant-spell-slay-without-lay, love you b xx

A/N: I know probably everyone’s felt insecure about some aspect of themselves, but I just want to tell you that I think you're beautiful and that you should think so too. I love you xx

T A E Y O N G

You weren't your usual self and it was leaving Taeyong confused and upset. He knew something was wrong, but it hurt him that you weren’t comfortable enough to tell him. But he knew he'd have to get to the bottom of the situation, so he would confront you one night.

When you told him about all the things that you weren't confident about regarding your body and yourself, Taeyong would be even more hurt. His baby was feeling this way and he wasn't even aware???? He’d shower you with love immediately and tell you about all the things he loved about you; everything. Every, single, damn thing about you was Taeyong’s favourite and he loved you so much.

“Never doubt yourself, baby. I love you and everything about you.”

M A R K

Mark strikes me as someone who can easily decipher how someone is feeling, he’s a watcher of sorts. Of course, after having spent so much time with you (the both of you were friends before the whole dating this ever happened) he knew exactly what was on your mind when he found you sitting on the floor of your room, a pout on your face.

Without a word from either of you, he put his things down and sat in front of you, taking your hands in his. You avoided his gaze to the best of your abilities because you felt embarrassed, but Mark would get all up in your face making the weirdest of expressions just to lighten up your mood. Of course, he did just that because Mark Lee is very much capable of anything if it meant putting a smile on your face.

“Don’t feel embarrassed, Y/N, I feel like this sometimes too.”

D O Y O U N G

Unlike Mark, Doyoung wouldn’t be super aware of your emotions; the boy was too busy bringing the sunshine to your life to notice how awfully quiet you'd gotten over the past few days. But, once he’d calmed down and settled beside you on the couch he frowned asking you what was wrong. Let’s just say you let a few tears escape you as soon as the words left his lips.

Momentarily Doyoung would simply sit there, not knowing what to do or how to comfort you, but as you cried harder, he simply scooted closer to you, holding out his arms. You practically fell face first into his chest, but Doyoung didn’t mind at all, he’d give you time to calm down and cry it all out; it was obvious you’d been bottling up those feelings for quite some time.

“Just breathe, Y/N, yeah? Don’t worry, I got you. Let it all out.”

J A E H Y U N

From what I’ve seen, Jaehyun doesn't seem like one to talk his feelings out, but he’d want you to. All the time. His habit proved to you that he worried about you and was genuinely looking out for you and your wellbeing. Of course, Jaehyun would always be there to comfort you, but he’d feel upset himself any time you told him how you felt about yourself and your appearance.

He’d shake his head and gasp at all the things you said you disliked about yourself, cutting you off to tell you that those aspects of yourself were Jaehyun’s absolute favourite parts of you - everything, really.

“But... Y/N... I love that about you... How can you not love it too?”

W I N W I N

Winwin wasn't expecting you to burst into tears when he asked you how your day was. The poor boy would be so utterly clueless with what to do at the sudden tension in the room and he’d stare at you wide-eyed. Realising you’d startled him, you’d grow even more upset at yourself, deciding to leave the room and cry it out on your own. But Winwin would come to his sense, grabbing a hold of your arm just as you were about to pass him.

You’d turn to look at him, bleary-eyed and about to ask him what he wanted, but he’d quickly pull you in for a tight embrace, almost squeezing the life out of you.

“You scared me, Y/N. Tell me when you feel like this - tell me when you feel anything! I want to be there for you.”

J U N G W O O

Jungwoo and yourself were spending the day watching movies on the couch - a typical day off to say the least. It was raining outside and the volume of the TV was low as you lay on the couch, Jungwoo’s head on your stomach as he lay almost on top of you. You were paying attention to the movie, ignoring the gentle brush of Jungwoo’s fingertips on the sliver of skin exposed under your shirt. And then he decided to tickle you. Within seconds you were squealing, trying to push Jungwoo off of you, but he ignored you, laughing at you.

Then you started crying and Jungwoo was unsure if it was because he was tickling you or if you were upset about something. Upon realising it was serious, Jungwoo leaned over, his face mere centimetres above yours as he asked what was bothering you.

“My sweet jagi, when are you going to understand that I love your cute tummy and every other part of you?”

L U C A S

You’d always felt a little more self-conscious when you were around Lucas. Perhaps it was because of how well he was able to keep his lean, yet muscular physique even if he hate 10 times more than you did. You’d never told him how you felt because it wasn’t Lucas’ fault, certainly not. But Lucas wasn’t oblivious and he knew something was wrong.

He wasn’t sure how to confront you about it, so he simply asked every now and again if you were okay - like, 5 times in the one hour. By the seventh time, you’d had enough, yelling at Lucas and telling him that you wished you could be like him and not ever feel bad about yourself. Lucas was stunned after your rant and you broke down at the sight of his wide, sad eyes staring back at you. But, he’d immediately swing into action, wrapping his arms around you and carrying you to your room. Sitting you on the bed, he pointed to the mirror on your wall and told you to look at it carefully.

“Do you see that, Y/N? That is beauty to me. You’re the most beautiful person on this planet and I wouldn’t want you to change anything about that.”

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meowsaidmayaanime · 6 years

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2016 Monthly Watches and Top Picks

An amalgamation of links to my personal watches and top picks, that being said there are a lot of anime I have not watched. If there is an anime that you think I should watch, recommend it to me in my Suggestions page or in the respective comments sections of my posts.

NOTE: I do not have any monthly watches or top picks from January to April, because I started this site in May of this year.

Links To My Monthly Watches (New links will be added soon)

My Monthly Top Picks

May Top Pick

Tokyo Ghoul

Only a few minutes before my 21st birthday I finished this series. Which means that I was an emotional wreck crying out ‘he knew!!’ while also being super excited to go out and buy my first drink; a Bloody Mary, approximately 17 minutes after officially being 21. Anyway, Tokyo Ghoul is so good. I loved it because it did not follow the path I expected it to, every event and conclusion ended up surprising me but in a good way! Without spoiling too much or going into a full review, the main character never became a ‘Mary Sue’ and the way it ended was not typical in the least. I have so many things to say but they all contain spoilers, anyway I’m glad I wasn’t deterred from the anime because one of my friends said he didn’t like the manga because of his assumption about the character. Dude, you were way off, I haven’t read the manga, but the anime is so different and so amazing. 5 out of 5 would recommend!

June Top Pick

Blue Exorcist Movie

The movie has nothing to do with the plot of the anime at all, and takes place after the events in the series. Atleast I’m fairly certain it does? There’s an important (and spoiler-y) thing that happens at the end of the series, that is never addressed or acknowledged in the movie which I think is really weird….. Either way, the movie itself is simply a completely stand alone story from the series. And it was absolutely stunning! Sooooo much detail went into all of the backgrounds and items. On top of that its very well scripted, and the plot flowed incredibly well together without being convoluted, which is surprising since a number of movie sequels to tv series’s tend to go overboard by stuffing too much information into an hour and a half.

It was amazing. Its possible that someone could watch the movie without watching the single season anime, just because of how it was written. However you would not know the relationships or the back story of the main character, which helps to explain a lot of the terminology and setting. Especially the part about demons ect ect.

Either way, I LOVED this movie. I didn’t even know that there was a movie at all until just now. I’m going to re-watch it with a friend when she gets back into town and I am soooooo excited because I KNOW she will love it too. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. I RECOMMEND THIS SO HARD.

July Top Pick

Haikyuu!!

I have boarded the sports anime train, and I don't think I'm ever getting off. This is the fifth sports anime I'm watching and I think it may be my favourite. It's funny too because I only recently started watching sports anime when I watched Free! last December.

This anime is fabulous! I know I say that a lot, but it is so true! Haikyuu!! is about Hinata who joins his high school Volley ball team. The rest of the show is about the developing relationships between the team, the development of their characters and skills, and their relationships between the teams they play against as they try to make it to the Nationals.

I love so much about this anime, every character is different, has their own reasons for playing, their own personalities, their own skills, and their own developmental journey. The characters are amazing!! On top of all that the animation is great, they animate the games incredibly well, and whenever someone does something that's particularly fast or strong they do a fabulous job of showing it through the art style and movements. Ah, I could watch this show for days, well, more days than I already have. (Click the image to view the gif, cause for some reason it won't automatically play...)

Look at the smooth animation!!

Speaking of the art style, It's different than whats common in anime, feeling a little more like a manga, but that's what makes it so great. The style allows them to make fabulous faces/expressions and movements. and Oh man the faces are great, I LOVE an anime that's able to use such a variety of expressions on so many different characters. Look at these faces!

Its such a feel good anime, its so light-hearted, and bright, and funny, and intense! There are only two season out right now, but the third season is to air this fall! I'm so excited!! so, So, SO excited!!! AAAHHHHHH~

This is a must watch. It doesn't matter what genre of anime you like, everyone should give this one a chance.

August Top Pick

Hyouka

So the first thing i need to mention is that this show is first and foremost a slcie of life that happens to include a lot of mystery. Not a mystery that happens to be a slice of life. I originally thought it was the latter which was why I was disappointed that it didn't end the series with a mystery arc, but instead the way a slice of life would.When you acknowledge the show for what it really is, a natural slice of life, it is amazing. For numerous reasons.

First the artwork is so incredibly detailed and beautiful. Second the visuals are distinctly different for each thing ti tries to convey, and completely succeeds in doing so. The audio is amazing, the music is beautiful, the animation is so smooth and they even animate things that aren't necessary to the plot but are animated anyway to make it all feel so REAL. Not to mention the episodes and mysteries are so well written!

look at the incredible amount of detail they put into EVERY SINGLE SCENE.

even when the background is blurred even people who we never learn about or see again have details in their clothes, faces, and expressions. I checked, we NEVER see these people below actually interact with the main OR minor cast.

I almost forgot, this show is about Houtarou a high schooler that sees the world in 'gray'and whose motto is "If I don't have to do it, I won't. If I have to do it, I'll make it quick." Convinced by his already graduated sister, he joins the classics club which was endangered to be disbanded because there were no more members. He meets a girl named Eru who also joins the club and discovers that he has a knack for solving mysteries. That is, only when Eru earnestly goes to him and yearns for him to solve the mystery because her curiosity cannot be contained. From there they quickly discover that the classics club has a past shrouded in mystery.

Its incredibly well done, I love slow the pacing myself, because it fits the flow and nature of the anime. However I do have a number of issues with it myself (some reveal content spoilers so I won't state those here). I admit that the way they ordered large mystery arch and single episode mysteries was not handled well at the very end. Don't get me wrong the ending fit the characters incredibly well and was very good and realistic, however considering the quality of the larger mysteries that were prevalent through the rest of the anime, I feel that they should have ended the series with a multi-episode arc and then one final single episode arc, rather than many single episode arcs strung together. The anime was an adaptation of a light novel, which covered 4 out of the 5 published novels. I've taken a look at the titles of the chapters and it seems that the 5th book is quite the elaborate story. One I would have liked to have seen in the anime, though would clearly have gone over the 22 episodes the anime ended at. Perhaps since this write up for the episode is already so long, I will create a post just about this anime. It definitely deserves more talking about!

Anyway, I do recommend it to veteran-ed anime watchers. It has a wonderful pace that does not push by quickly, great character development and insight, and fascinating mysteries and dialogue regarding such. Its perfect for anyone who loves natural slice of life. Those who enjoy mysteries would also enjoy this, as long as they understand that it is mostly a slice of life, and thus will follow the format of slice of life and not the format of a mystery anime. Its a stunning anime.

September Top Pick

Natsume's Book of Friends

This is an incredibly adorable show. Its heartwarming and has a 'feel good' movie feel to it. If anything taking into account the art style and how good it makes you feel it reminds me a lot of Fruits Basket. Don't get me wrong, its nothing like Fruits Basket in terms of story, but its got the same 'feel'.... if that makes sense.

Anyway, the premise is that Natsume is the only one able to see yokai (Japanese monsters/spirits/gods). After moving into a new town with some distant relatives, Natsume finds out that is deceased grandmother could also see yokai and made quite the reputation among them. She would take the names of local yokai and put it into a book called the book of friends, with their names she could control the yokai. Now yokai are coming after Natsume either to ask him to return their names or to take the book of friends for themselves.

The majority of the show is about Natsume steadily coming to understand both humans and yokai more clearly than he has before. Making friends, learning about the lives of others, learning about his grandmother, and finding out what it really means to be apart of a family and not be ostracized by others because of his ability.

This show is wonderful, its not as gripping or super emotion/action driven as some other shows are, but its very well done. The character are great, the stories are so heartwarming, and it breaks a number of the stereotypical cliches that are often found with anime about a character who can see something that others cannot. An example that I particularly love is how other characters who come into the mix who are also able to see yokai are not automatically 'evil' or an antagonist. So rather than causing mroe trouble for Natsume from the 'get go' they are actually there to help develop him into a better character. Which I love~ Any actual antagonist that shows up are antagonists for a real reason, rather than just for the purpose of having one.

If your into exorcism anime or anime that focuses on traditional Japanese monsters/spirits/gods you will love this one. It is slower paced and focuses more on story than action so keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that there are only 4 season out right now as of this post. Season 5 will be coming out with this falls simulcasts and I'm super excited for it

#2016 #msma 2016 #haikyuu!!#hyouka #natsume yuujinchou #natsume's book of friends #blue excorsist #blue exorsict movie #tokyo ghoul #msma monthly watch

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lgbt-ya · 7 years

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Unboxed by Non Pratt

Published by Barrington Stoke on 15th Aug 2016

Genres: contemporary, LGBT, YA

Blurb: Unboxed is about four teenagers who come together after several months apart. In previous years, they had put together a time capsule about their best summer with a friend who was dying. Now that their friend has passed, they reunite to open the box.

Interview: [I did this interview with Non @nonthepratt last year and just realised I never posted it here!]

Unboxed is an incredibly personal story of a group of friends reuniting to mourn the member of their group who died of cancer. Unboxed is one of the only books I’ve ever read which made me cry BUCKETS. So I jumped at the chance to interview Non about it!

The characters in Unboxed are out of school, and at a different place in their lives than is usually found in Young Adult fiction, yet it is the perfect YA novel in every way. Do you think that YA as a genre should be judged by the ages of the characters? What is YA? [Just an easy question to start with!]

Thanks for leading me in gently…! To me, YA is not a genre. SciFi/Fantasy/Contemporary arise from what is within the book, but categories like 9-12/YA/Adult are dictated by the readers. For a book to fall into the YA category, the only rule is for it to address the issues that affect and interest young adults (and the teen-minded) the most. As characters age their focus changes (Mortgages! Childrearing! Mid-life crises!) so that’s why most YA features teenagers. In Unboxed the characters’ are eighteen, but the focus is on their history as younger teens, so maybe that’s what keeps it feeling youthful?!

Alix’s coming out experience is very unique from anything I’ve read before, as she’s out at college and has a girlfriend, but feels closeted amongst her old school friends, who only ever knew her as a young teenager. Do you think that coming out is a continual process over a lifetime? Why is it so important to show these experiences in YA?

Much as I would like us to live in a Utopia where everyone accepted each other as people, we don’t. We live in a heteronormative society laden with gender prejudice (and the rest…) which means that anyone who deviates from what is perceived as ‘normal’ must constantly state their position as ‘other’.

Having talked to people with more experience than me, you never stop coming out, and yet (understandably) most YA focuses on that first big step. But not everyone comes out to their first friends, first – Alix skipped that step, because she found it too hard… and because of my obsession with slipping back into certain roles amongst certain friends I wanted to look at how that might affect her.

Unboxed is one of Barrington Stoke’s ‘readable YA’, and the print edition has a special font and printing background to make it more readable for people with dyslexia. Did you know this was going to be published in this way before you started writing – and did that have any effect on the style in which you wrote it?

I’ve long been a supporter of Barrington Stoke since my Catnip editorial days so I knew exactly how the book would be formatted on the page. A well-spaced serif font is easier to read and the yellow paper offers a less jarring contrast that your usual black/white as well as the paper being thicker to avoid what’s called ‘ghosting’ of words printed on the other side of the paper. Barrington Stoke’s brief to all the authors who write for them is to write in your usual style. Any grammatical quirks that make it hard for a slower reader to process are taken out in a special language edit.

If you think about it, someone who is dyslexic or less-confident in reading must hold phrases in their heads longer than someone who reads faster, which means overly long sentences with lots of sub-clauses (like this sentence – on purpose!) is unnecessarily hard to read when it could be edited to be several shorter sentence containing the same information. Most writers (me included) haven’t got a clue about sub-clauses and hanging participles so there’d be no point worrying about them as you write.

Having said all that, first person present tense does lend itself to shorter sentences and when I chose Alix as my narrator, I deliberately chose someone who isn’t especially chatty, who is more practical than imaginative and keeps her thoughts naturally brief. The language edit wasn’t too heavy as a result.

What made you decide to make this story in particular a novella?

Actually it was the other way around in that I was asked to write a novella and this was the idea that came to mind! I sat down at my desk on a Wednesday morning and hunted for all the things I’m most interested in that would work over a single night/day and by lunchtime I had Unboxed.

Which is your favourite member of the group: Alix, Dean, Zara, Ben or Millie?

Sorry, but the answer is easy – it’s Dean. When we first meet him, Alix tells us “He could riffle shuffle a deck of cards, skim a stone up to five times across the surface of the sea and raise one of his eyebrows into a perfect arch. He was everything I wanted to be…” That’s me talking as much as Alix.

Please tell us about your own ‘time capshoole’ mentioned in the dedication. What did you put in it? What would you put in a time capsule now?

So a group of about nine or ten of us made a time capsule (a word I didn’t pronounce correctly and got mocked for mercilessly, hence the spelling) when we were fifteen. I can’t remember much of what went in there, other than a tape of us singing “Basket Case” in the Hollywood Bowl and letters we wrote to our future selves.

The thing about time capsules is that you should put something precious inside, but I’m so attached to all my precious things that I wouldn’t want to give any of them up! Assuming that I might sacrifice my favourite things, here are some of them – I’d also print some photos and pop in a memory stick of my favourite songs and a letter to my future self for good measure.

Are you still in touch with your friendship group from school? How do you find your friendships are different now to as a teenager?

I went to an all-girls’ school and six of us are still close, even though one of us has been living in Canada, one just moved to Australia and one is in the Navy and keeps going off to sea for ages. About a year ago I had an epiphany that these are the friends I will have for life, whatever happens.

We all see each other at least twice a year, maybe not all at the same time, but in some combination or other.I am easily the worst at staying in touch and yet they’ve made the effort to travel to London for both my launches… In some ways we’ve changed, closeness and allegiances evolve with who you see the most, but when we’re together, I think all of us revert to how we were. Friends I’ve made as an adult think I’m enthusiastic and friendly, but the people who’ve known me since I was a teenager think of me as the anti-social sarcastic idiot most likely to get on the dancefloor and do my Ally McBeal dance. I’m both the same person, and yet someone entirely different.

As someone whose best friend died at the age of nineteen, I found the portrayal of young death almost painfully realistic, to the point where I don’t think I would have been able to read this book a few years ago. Was it daunting to write about such an emotional topic? Did you do any research into this? Are there any books/articles/websites you would recommend for people in this situation who might be struggling?

This question made me cry because it’s a huge honour for someone to say that I’ve got this right. Also, I’m a bit horrified by how undaunted I was by this considering how big this issue really is.

I’m very lucky in that the only loved ones I’ve lost have been significantly older than me, but I’m a watcher, and I remember one of my closest friends at university grieving for the loss of one of their home friends.The thing about loss is that there’s no one way to process it – only your way of grieving will give you what you need.

My best advice is actually for those supporting someone going through this: grief is private and necessarily selfish and you have no right to tell someone how to do it. Need trumps want: be there in the way they need, not the way you want. I’ve not always got that right. As for a helpful website, my recommendation in any situation is to check out TheMix.org.uk – a magazine-style website with a wealth of well-written, funny and relatable articles for any issues that might affect under-25s, or perhaps the NHS website for more clinical language and support.

Throughout the book I was desperate to see the events from Millie’s point of view. I think it was a really strong decision to keep that back, as it intensifies the reality that Millie is gone, and we will never know what she was thinking before she died. Was this why you decided not to include flashbacks? Why did you decide not to?

Everything we see of Millie is taken from Alix’s memories of her, because that is how people live on – we only cease to exist when there is no one left to remember us.

(Also, and this is mundane in the extreme, my editors at Walker have always been so flashback averse during the editorial process that I’m now super strict with them in my writing! The only flashbacks/memories permitted were ones that served the present-day narrative and didn’t take up too many words.)

Review: Non made me cry, goddammit. I never cry at books! It was so beautiful. She's done such a good job of making me really care about the characters in such a short length of time. Alix and Ben and Dean and Zara are just wonderful and complicated (and Ash is officially The Worst.) God I want a million sequels and a movie, that was so wonderful. I want to read it again from Millie's point of view. I want to go back to being 13 and make my own time capsule. I want to give them all a giant hug.

5 stars

#non pratt #unboxed #5 stars

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theclosetgurl-blog · 6 years

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Film review: La la land

(and why it is my favourite film, probably of all time)

It took me an extremely long time to review this film because I get so emotional just even thinking of it (and let’s not forget the iconic soundtracks). I am an avid re-watcher, aka I have an obsessive streak of re-watching movies that I like. The reason why I like to revisit movies is because I feel like I feel differently each time I watch them, and I want to. I want to feel and see all the perspectives it has. But it took me about a year before I could bring myself to re-watch La la land. That was how sacred this film is to me. I didn’t want to replace the feelings I felt when I’d first watched it in cinemas last december. I would see it on stream sites and I would just stare at the icon, unable to get myself to revisit it. I finally got myself to re-watch it recently, and hence this review.

I can’t even begin how to explain this movie. It’s like Moby Dick; it’s about everything. It’s about passion, dreams, reality, friendship, respect, the pursuit of happiness, and of course, love. The artistry in this movie is on another level as well. I’ve never ever felt the feeling of crying for something beautiful, like when you cry at weddings, until I watched La la land. It was so freaking beautiful that I cried. I am both ashamed and yet not, for crying so much over this film. And of course, Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone as the leads? I can’t take it, I just can’t.

SPOILERS AHEAD: (and if you haven’t watched it, please do yourself a favour and do so!)

I won’t go into the details of the general plot, but touch into the points worthy of mentioning, which should put together the movie as a whole anyway.

I would like to say from the start, that I knew that the romance between Sebastian and Mia wasn’t meant to last - that they were bound to break up. The first time that I watched it, I just knew. It probably hit me when Sebastian started playing Mia & Sebastian’s Theme on the piano in the bar. The morose tone of the score was a not-so-subtle hint that a break-up was bound to happen. But as I watched it for the 2nd time, I realized how I knew they were going to break up. Their relationship, despite the love they have for each other, was more solidly built on the respect for their passion and dreams. We have this struggling actress-to-be and struggling jazz musician; both of them want the same thing, to be noticed. Mia wanted to be recognized for her acting ability, and Sebastian was a struggling pianist who wanted so badly to open his own bar to show the world what real jazz is. Of course, it would be everyone’s dream to see both protagonists facing and overcoming their obstacles and succeed together. It would however be abit too far-fetched, realistically, for this to happen. And I appreciate that the film was real about this. For Mia and Sebastian, their break up was inevitable because they didn’t put each other first. They’d always respected each other’s dreams, and the main reason that they had even gotten in a relationship with each other was also because of that - they wanted to inspire each other to achieve their respective dreams. They were never meant to last not because they didn’t love each other, but because their respect for each other had outshone everything else. Before their love, there was most importantly, camaraderie, for they were both struggling artists. Towards the demise of their relationship, there were no hard feelings felt. They both knew that they had to let each other go. Personally, I’d felt (both times) that their relationship had ended when Sebastian didn’t turn up at Mia’s one-woman play. It was already pretty evident that they were growing apart from each other, what with Sebastian always on tour and being unhappy about the music he’s been producing, and I felt that there didn’t need to be a definite “We’re going to break up” thing; it was just a thing that happened naturally. It was obvious that the love between them had fizzed away when Sebastian put his career before Mia and wasn’t there for her when she felt the shittiest after her play had failed. After that it was out of camaraderie and friendship (that had always existed between them), that compelled him to drive to her house to get her to the audition, which shot her up to fame.

There were many instances where I had cried in this film. The first was when Mia was sitting in the fancy restaurant with her then shitty, stuck-up boyfriend with his wealthy brother and girlfriend. She feels out of place, as she was a struggling actress, while having to witness them talking about their rich people’s problems. It was a struggle between staying here and climbing the social ladder, and going to Sebastian to watch Rebel without a cause. It is quite literal here, where Mia is at a crossroad to choose between an albeit materialistic but a life with security, or the unknown of the pursuit of her dreams. If she’d stayed with her boyfriend, she might never have gotten together with Sebastian, and probably forsaken her dream as an actress and married her wealthy boyfriend. But as she stared at them, their theme score started playing in her head and she knew that she had to go to Sebastian. I’d cried because I could relate to how she felt. At the time when the film was showing in the cinema, I was at a crossroad myself. I’d just graduated and I was facing the same problems as Mia. I was faced with the choice of pursuing what I wanted to do, which was to write and produce art, and the choice of getting a proper full-time job. It’s quite obvious now which choice I chose, but at that point, I could relate exactly to how Mia was feeling. And so I cried. I want to say that it’s not an easy choice to make, throwing away a life of security, and I guess I cried because she did what I wanted to do, but couldn’t. That she was courageous for me, when I couldn’t be for myself.

The second time I’d cried was when the pair of them went to the planetarium to see the real thing, since their movie screening had froze at that point. It was the iconic scene of Sebastian pushing Mia up to the stars and they were literally dancing in the stars. This was when I cried because the scene was so beautiful. It was perfect. It was the kind of moment where you can just feel, “Ah, how I wish time will stop”. I’ve seen and heard so many lines of such, but it never really hit me until this scene. It was truly the epitome of such beauty. And so I cried. I cried because of the beauty of their love and the artistry in place. I cried because I knew they were going to end up apart sometime later in the film. I cried because it was so beautiful yet so sad - I was subconsciously waiting for them to break up. It was so sad, because I wanted them to be together till the end.

The third time that I cried was when Mia sang Audition, at her audition. It was a very moving song, as she sang about how her aunt was the one who inspired her to be an actress. She told of her story, about how her aunt once jumped in a river barefoot, when the water was freezing. She sang about how her aunt had a cold for a month, but she didn’t regret her actions. She remembers how “she captured a feeling, a sky with no ceiling, a sunset without a frame”.

“Here’s to the fools who dream, crazy as they may seem, here’s to the hearts that break, here’s to the mess we made.”

It was both moving for Mia and me, as she was pouring her heart out in what may seem like, her last shot at auditions and as an actress, as she tells me (or the audience) how she feels. It was a message to everyone, to tell us that it’s okay to do something a little crazy. It was just a feeling, how her aunt felt. And how that feeling was passed on to Mia. And then passed on to me (and the audience). I felt extremely sad and embarrassed about myself as I heard her sing. I was brought up in a society where I was told that pursuing my passion was stupid. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have one, it was just that I was scared and a coward to break through it. And that’s why I cried. I cried because I could feel her passion as with mine. I cried because I was a coward. And I cried for the society and reality that I live in; forever the same with no excitement. It made me think that if I continued the way I live, I will never be able to feel anything. And feeling, is everything.

The last time I cried, it hit me the hardest and I kept crying even after the movie had ended. Those who have watched the film should know which scene it is. You know how sometimes in films or dramas, the two protagonists end up with different people? But you’re still curious about the what-if? What if they hadn’t broken up? What if they had been together till the end? La la land, gives you that what-if, straight to your heart, where it stabs you until you bleed internally. You will bleed, because it was a good ending. Like, fuck, I’d almost wanted it to be a bad ending between them because of how good it might’ve been. It is 5 years later after they’ve decided to end their relationship to pursue their dreams individually. Mia is now a successful actress, and she sashays into the coffee house she used to work, but now as someone she used to envy. She’s married and has a daughter. Sebastian has opened his jazz bar like how he wanted to, and named it Seb’s, like how Mia had suggested but he said no when she’d mentioned (Awww!). She and her husband enters the bar as she was attracted to the music, and they make eye contact as Sebastian is about to play. He decides to play their song, and the whole life they could’ve had. He would’ve quit his band and travelled to europe with Mia, for her movie. They would’ve been still madly in love. They would’ve married and had their children, and they would’ve been happy together. They would’ve came to his bar together, and not individually. It broke me, totally. It broke me because they could’ve achieved their dreams together and lived happily together after truly. It was the exact fulfilment of the never-ending what-if question, and it was beautiful and whole. Except that reality is not. Their reality was them going back to their separate lives. It was both devastatingly sad, yet still true. They were meant to part ways, even if their lives would’ve been happy together. It was true and right because they did not sacrifice each other in their pursuit of their dreams and happiness, they just knew it was time for them to do it individually. It was the right passage of their lives, and they know it too. I just want to give an applause to Damien (director), for giving us this what-if scenario. It’s the first time that I’ve had this question mark answered, ever. And it was mindblowingly good.

There was an element of doubt mixed in with the realities of life that I really appreciated in this film as well. As the pursuit of dreams goes, it is not at all easy to fulfil. Sometimes I feel like it is too easy for an outsider to just say stuff like “you can pursue your dreams!”, when in actual fact most people don’t realize how difficult it is. There are greater realities than dreams that exist, and we can’t ignore them. We can see this in the choice that Sebastian made. He’d been so adamant about retaining the spirit of “traditional” jazz, but ultimately he made the decision to join his friend who produced a more “pop” jazz type of music, just because it pays well. He was ashamed of how Mia had to explain to her parents that he was still ‘trying to figure things out’ and not really doing anything to fulfil his dream of opening his bar. On the other hand, we can also feel Mia’s dejection towards her dream. She has not been successful in her auditions, but she finally felt a bit of hope when Sebastian encouraged her to do her one-woman play, which she has been writing off-hand. He’d told her to do it for herself, and not to care about what others will think of it, because he says its brilliant. Ultimately, she has to face her reality, when only a very small amount of audience came for it. She even overhears them saying that it was a horrible play, and it completely destroys her. She felt completely crushed and tells Sebastian that its over for her dream. Even when he drove all the way to her house to tell her about an audition after a casting director saw her play and really liked her, she was full of self-doubt. Her last hope had been crushed and she was hesitant to try again.

There was not a moment in this film that I was not enchanted, even towards the demise of relationship, the writers and director kept it real between the characters. It was not especially hard to see how they grew apart, unlike some romance films. It was how life was in reality; he got a job he didn’t like for financial support, while she was busy with her one-woman play. They’d grown apart naturally, as like how every couple does at some point. It was relatable and acceptable. And of course, the good parts, were good, as how romance goes. The scores and music are fantastic. The musical aspects of the film are not cheesy and is filmed in a classy manner. There’s just nothing not to love about this film.

So there you have it. La la land is my favourite movie. It is a movie very hard to top my list, and I sincerely look forward to another film which can trump it, but I highly doubt it (at least not in the near future). If you love La la land, and you feel like watching another movie recommendation, mine would be Like Crazy. Nothing was able to top Like Crazy for maybe 4 years, until La la land. La la land totally deserves all the awards that it won.

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