#but i guess that’s also my adhd brain being inattentive lmao

[snimeat]

Wait. Sorry, but I read your tags and you have dyscalculia? I didn't even think it has a name, I thought it was part of the dyslexia chain of disorders... Which it is! But I didn't know it had a name! I can't believe someone has the same type of inconvenient bullshit as me! Tho, I'm guessing mine is much lighter, since I'm actually pretty good at math. With a lot of checking and people triple checking for me, and struggling with a line of an equation for like an hour before I can comprehend how simple it is in reality. Same with letters tho. The brain sometimes not comprehending what is visually presented and convincing itself it is wrong, when in fact it isn't. Words appearing out of nowhere in the middle of sentences when writing. Or words changing shapes and meanings as you read them, so you have to re-read a few times until your brain understands it. Fun times, sorry, I got into it.

I can't differentiate between 7 and 9 what's the quirk you got from it? XD I know it ain't funny, but I got excited! I mean, if this makes you uncomfortable to talk about, absolutely ignore this please ☀️

oh don’t worry, it’s part of the tumblrcore experience to read tags lmao.

but i do actually, i was also diagnosed quite late i was fourteen at the time. and boy, the struggles i had with it was huge and still is. i didn’t know it was in the same chain as dyslexia but thinking of it now, makes a lot of sense. nice to know a fellow dyscalculic too, i’ve never met anyone either. i don’t think i can define mine as lighter since it was one of the main source of anxiety for me growing up lmao. i just god, i suffered with the bare minimum when it comes to math. even the simplest of problems is difficult for me. i have trouble helping my almost 10 year old sister with her math stuff, to give you an example. i just run from it in any given circumstance. i think i do also double, triple check any calculations i do. i even take a step further and do it at least five times to make sure and my mind sometimes still goes “are you actually sure it’s correct?” and proceeds to count at least two or three more times to be sure, even when i have a calculator with me. my main struggle is forgetting the numbers i’m seeing, exchanging them, i have trouble telling the difference between thousands and millions and whatever else gets too may zeros or too many numbers, basically anything after 900 gets hard for me. it also affects my left and right, cannot get it right for the life of me. reading old clocks takes a few minutes lmao. but truly exchanging things was one of the main issues for me, and i wouldn’t even realise it. it was like my brain couldn’t see the mistake unless someone helped me get there. hm, what else?

< > these two symbols? trust me, i still don’t remember them to this day, i would have to use a visual written explanation to remember which one was which and i still would take a bit of time to get there because it’s just confusing to me. i never had trouble with letters necessarily, i don’t remember rn anyway. those math problems that required you to get an answer after seeing something like “matt has two apples and karen has whatever blah blah blah” i just couldn’t do it. geometric math was my deathbed. pythagora’s theorems HOLY FUCKING HELL my most hated back then. my brain would shut down and not work at all. the multiplication table thing? i swear to god unless it’s two or five (counting on my fingers btw) i can’t do it. it’s like i see math and i think i get it but i don’t, not really. it makes no sense in my brain, i can’t seem to grasp it fully. and it’s so frustrating. i could complain about my brain’s lack of understanding for a lifetime, okay?! 🤣

#maybe it’s also related to my adhd? idk #i read somewhere that the possibility of having one and the other is quite high but im not sure #i truly feel so much anxiety when i have to deal with numbers #i used to work in two places where i had to deal with cash. i used to play it off laughing and saying iit can’t count just to take some weig #weight of my shoulders if i made any mistake #which i did often #repeatedly because i just overlooked them #sometimes iI just don’t see the numbers and i skip something #but i guess that’s also my adhd brain being inattentive lmao #who knows where one begins and the other ends at this point #ra☀️ #youdontloveme-yet #gei’s nonsense answers #dyscalculia

[gutouhua]

tw. mental health talks, depression & adhd (?) / rant sort of lol

so i'm going to see a therapist for the first time (online) on wednesday & i'm really nervous bc idk what's gonna happen during the first therapy session lmao. i've never had anything diagnosed before so idek if there's anything to "work with," but i took a sage sr assessment for a starting talking point with my therapist. according to the assessment i may have depression & adhd? not really sure.

depression runs in the dad's side of the family, and no one i know of in my family (except maybe my brother with hyperactive adhd but he's undiagnosed) has adhd. i've done some research & i don't want to self-diagnose, but perhaps i'm thinking i might have inattentive adhd.

but then i also feel like all this is just me being lazy, dramatic, or an excuse. and i just don't really know. i feel lost. i know y'all followed me for the horny stuff & i'll have more of that soon, but i guess i just want some clarity from the therapy session but idek if she'll diagnose me. (can therapist even diagnose someone?) or imagine if i don't have any mental illnesses--which would be a good thing--but then what the heck is even going on in my little brain then?

maybe if i just tried harder and was more motivated i could do things. but i don't so i never succeed and i end up being a failure even tho i so desperately want to do well. but perhaps bc i'm not motivated enough to study, i guess i must not want to succeed. it's an odd sort of paradox. like the exam that will quite literally decide my future, but then me barely studying for it bc "i'd rather be doing other things" and bc studying for it is "too labor intensive" and the idea of even starting it is "appalling" to me. it's just such a stupid thought process.

so then i just fail at the exam, feel sad, feel like a failure, feel like a bad person, feel unworthy of anything in life, feel unworthy of being happy or loved--because if i wanted to succeed & be happy, i would've just "buckled up" and studied (harder), right? but nope. i just chose not to i guess.

i really hate that i'm like this. i really hate who i am.

[dirkxcaliborn]

*steals ask meme and turns it into a tag meme so I can answer all the questions* via frogwithadhd

what was/is one of your most obscure hyperfixations? Meerkat Manor maybe? Some stuff just ends up kinda fading in my memory because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, and half the time I enthused about it, I really wanted to talk to someone about it so it ended up pretty negative lol

what’s your current hyperfixation(s)? Genshin Impact. I haven’t even been playing much lately because I kinda burnt myself out, but now I’m really getting into the fic for it and I’m just !!!!!!! I’ve kinda been fixating specifically on characters and lately it’s shifted from Kazuha to Childe. My brain is just everything Childe all the time

do you have any other family with adhd? Not that I know of. My mom shares a lot of symptoms, but she’s got a different diagnosis and has no interest on tacking adhd to everything else haha

what’s your favorite stim? The one I do the most is probably tapping things. It’s become a bit of a joke at work as being my “idle animation” lmao but when I’ve got a bunch of nervous energy and no idea what to do, I’ll just walk along tapping everything and trying to get my thoughts in order. The one that’s the most fun is conducting music. Usually do that one while I’m walking somewhere and listening to music, and I’ll wave my arms and tap my fingers and such to the beat. 

do you like background music or does it distract you? Hmm... I think mostly I like it. It drowns out other smaller, more distracting sounds. I much prefer a low noise I’m really familiar with, like a lyric-less playlist I’ve looped a bunch over random ambient noise.

does noise when you work put you on the fritz/sensory overload? (people talking/humming/singing, a video playing, tapping, pen clicks, etc.) Absolutely 100% I get super worked up and can’t focus at all except on the noise. Also idk about y’all but I also get really, really worked up by like.... visual stuff???? People brushing their fingers through their hair, bouncing their leg, etc. Someone will be continually petting a dog and it’s all I can focus on and I want them to stop so much dfghjkl

what is sensory overload like for you? does it happen often? Idk I’m all wired up and everything agitates me. I can’t stand the sound of anyone’s voice and my skin crawls. Idk it’s like super often or anything? Often enough I guess? I feel like I’ve usually got a way to step back.

do you actually get distracted by squirrels or is this a myth? For me? Not at all. Had a friend who would stop dead conversation or interrupt every single time to point out a dog. I really hated it lol My thoughts jump around a lot, but it’s more internally linking to random shit that’s all on my mind at the same time. 

hyperactive, inattentive, or both? dunno lol Both I guess Depends whether the situation allows outward shows or if I’m just very much in my head

do you have a hard time talking too loud, or maybe too quiet? both? I used to be too loud and sometimes still am I guess, but mostly I’m really quiet and wish other people would be too lol People almost always complete miss what I say. 

what was your childhood like? was it obvious that you had adhd, or would nobody have ever expected it? Well in 1st grade, a teacher actually set up a meeting with my mom to discuss her suspicions that I had ADHD. My mom always tells the story with a scoff like the audacity of this woman!!!!!!! How dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve wondered whether she was on to something, and what would’ve happened if that’d been taken seriously?

do you take meds? how do they help you? what side effects have you had, or what meds have been wrong for you? Here’s where I confess I’m not actually diagnosed anything. I don’t even know if getting a diagnosis would help me at this point. I hear there’s downsides to having that stuck on your record and that it’s really difficult and expensive to get diagnosed as an adult. 

pog is such a stimmy word. have you ever been addicted to saying pog. you cant stop saying pog. and hey theres no shame or judgement here ok, now tell me: have you ever been addicted to Pog, son? I have not

are you forgetting something rn? So many things. The other day, I went to work on my day off just to get something to eat since I was in the area. My manager asked me if I was working the next day and I said “yeah, probably.” He told me something after that. I later realized I had the next day off, but have no fuckin clue what he told me. I still don’t remember.  A recent funny one is that just before Halloween, it suddenly hit me that November 1st was a significant day for some reason. I thought on it. What could possibly be happening???? I’m sure something is happening I think??? Couldn’t for the life of me remembered and figured I must’ve gotten my thoughts mixed up. Then a discord message suddenly reminded me OH I have a D&D session on November 1st and it’s taking place at my house. Good thing I remembered that one in time lmfao

what are your average sleep hours? 1 am is pretty typical bedtime since I usually work morning shifts. Even if I have to get up at 6 am for work, I still can’t go to sleep until 1 am.... sometimes later. If I have a day off, I like to completely screw myself over by staying up til 4 or 5 am and trudging out of bed at 3pm. This is very bad in winter when the sun is setting by 3pm lmfao

what do you think about at 3 am? Nowadays? Lonely, self-depracating thoughts lol Spiraling into those is the worst. That’s when I end up checking my phone and seeing my alarm is going to go off in an hour and a half because I was too worked up to sleep. I much prefer when I get sucked into a fanfic and that occupies all my thoughts haha 

what hyperfixation do you find yourself always drifting back to? do you always have that one interest that you wish you could get back into but just cant? I tend to cycle back to most of my interests. I really miss when I used to draw all the time. I had these huge folders of art where I just loved something so much and would draw the shit out of it. I draw like one thing now and it’s exhausting. It’s never good enough. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. I used to vent all my feelings through my art, the good ones, the bad ones. I guess I didn’t need people to talk to about stuff because I got it all out through drawing. I really miss that. Also fire emblem. Every so often it hits me like a truck that I really love fire emblem lmfao 

do you actually have a constant special interest that you never get tired of?!1!?1?1! Hmm. Not really. Like I said, I tend to cycle. I can’t game consistently, I can’t craft consistently, I can’t read consistently. I’ll either be really, really into it, or can’t touch it at all. 

have you ever been or are you addicted to caffeine? Nah, I don’t really like it. I only drink coffee at work, and it’s more about the sugar milk than anything else lmao. I had to start going half-caf because it would fill me with so much nervous energy that I’d just be super fucking anxious all day. 

what’s your favorite < 30 second youtube video that gives you a whole truckload of happy chemicals? I’m gonna cheat bc I’m p sure it’s longer than 30 seconds, but I love Woah Plaza (it’s the wii theme but with the crash bandicoot WOAH sounds instead lmao)

as a child, was it difficult for you to make friends? is it still difficult? Yes??? no????? kinda????? I think I spent a lot of time alone, both then and now. I think I kind of stumbled upon friends and didn’t know how it happened. Lost friends and didn’t know how that happened either. I get along with almost everyone, but it’s really hard to be close to anyone. It’s really easy to slap on an agreeable, likable mask and a lot harder to keep trying to take it off only to be found difficult and unlikable ya know? There’s all these things like not really knowing anything about people or not being trusted with their thoughts and their feelings... bleh something, something, lonely self-depracating thoughts or w/e

hate math or love math? how do you do with mental math/arithmetic? I actually quite like math. I really like solving things and that’d 90% of math. I have a bad habit of stumbling over the easy stuff and ending up wildly wrong tho lmao I can usually hold numbers in my head tho and will often skip a bunch of steps when showing my work because it’d be ridiculously slow to write them down when I have other stuff to figure out.

what was/is your favorite subject? if you have one lol I was really good at English, but I think science is the most interesting.

on a scale of abhor to adore, how much do you hate school? Ya know, I love learning, and I honestly kinda do really like structure. The actual environment of school was horrible though. Part of it I think was being surrounded by people for 7+ hours a day, 5 days a week. I can’t handle that. I don’t even need to interact with them to not be able to handle that.

how do you learn? (visually, kinesthetically, etc.) Hmm.... definitely not auditorily because I miss half the things people say and forget what I did hear shortly after. I remember things I read very well, though. I don’t visualize in my head very well, so I often draw things out to understand them. Visually, I guess.  

sloppy or neat handwriting? Mostly neat, though it can get fairly sloppy. Most people at work have horrible writing when it comes to the cups though lmao we’re always in such a rush to get everything on the cup before we forget one of the customer’s several customizations, and forget to consider than someone else will have to decipher it

good or bad at procrastinating? (like when you procrastinate, do you freak out or are you chill about getting it done?) I mostly freak out about stuff that I had no confidence in being able to complete in the first place. I procrastinate literally everything tho, so for the stuff I’m confident in my ability to complete in general, I won’t be super frantic about the time. 

// I don’t really have answers to the original 28 and 29

how do you feel about reading? is it really difficult for you, or maybe it’s one of your favorite pastimes? do you like it but it’s just hard and you cant get into it? share le thoughts :) I like reading a lot. It always gives me direction for my racing thoughts. Lately, I’ve found I have to take short breaks partway through reading. It feels like a Lot even tho really I would like to finished 200k in a single sitting lmaoo But in those breaks, I end up thinking a lot about the events and the characters and possible foreshadowing and where I think things are going. Idk compared to games and movies and such, I feel like books take me out of myself a lot more. 

#coyo speaks

[sanguinesprout]

Things and stuff... and things... and stuff... and things... .__. (some more thoughts and frustrations, talk about troubles and general feels)

Hmm.. I’ve put off writing again and forgotten things again... things lately have been... kind of bleh... melancholy and non-progressive. I’ve got the negative thinking hat on right now, I know. I wanna take it off though, it’s snug to the point my head hurts but it doesn’t seem to wanna budge yet so imma just roll with it a little while longer. Forgive me for my excessive and probably incorrect use of ellipses, it’s just really hard to find the words, I just smh to myself all the time whenever I try writing really.

Maybe I should make a twitter or something so I can briefly write my thoughts when I actually have them, I’ve thought about this quite a few times in the past. It seems kind of an effort though... my phone is busted and whipping out my pc whenever or writing on paper is kinda out of the question cause I’m much too cowardly and paranoid. I’ll save the thought for another time though (another time probably meaning never orz).

Everyday just feels... heavy and bleak. Like there’s rainclouds permanently hanging over my head even when it’s a sunny day and everyone outside is chirpy and happy. I’m so foggy and sickly feeling from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Everything’s so overwhelming, the thoughts, the senses, all in overdrive and concentration on anything is impossible. I can’t help but feel like don’t know what to do or what I’m even doing has a point and I’m spiralling into the sea of darkness again. I’m lost, so terribly lost, but I can see a small light in the distance. Although it’s far, if I keep going maybe I can still find my way back out. I won’t ever give up hope, even if I feel like there isn’t any at all a lot of the time. I just need to keep going..!

Hmm, okay, I've been tidying my room and pc some more lately. Came across my dyslexia reports (mentioned in one of my previous posts) which I’d been wanting to take another look at since it’s been years, so I did. I read through them both and the first thing I would have to say is that I’m an idiot. Not in the sense of anything related to the disorder or report itself or anything offensive, but in the fact that I disregarded and was negligent towards the diagnoses and advice. I don’t know why I’m so skeptical or maybe still in denial towards this, I think I’m still rather uniformed myself even though I have researched it quite a lot but keep forgetting or misinterpreting details. I feel unsure because like I said at other times, things relating to mental function overlap/can have multiple possible causes. It’s that ‘I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket’ kind of feeling, if that makes sense. I don’t want things in general to become self fulfilling prophecies, because once my mind goes running, it really doesn’t want to come back.

Maybe because I’ve had these struggles all my life I just saw it as normal, as just how I am or something and so to casually dismiss it. Or maybe... it just feels like because maybe no one else around me took it seriously, that I then followed them and didn’t take it seriously either or was too scared to. Being told you’re lazy and slow and things like that all the time and finding out you have legitimate explanation or cause for these troubles, it should be a good sort of thing to know, act on and inform people of. But... instead I have the feeling that it sounds like just an excuse to everyone else, it’s just so easily misinterpreted and kind of difficult to comprehend, explain or believe I guess, idk... :<

The first report from college said I had mild dyslexia and the second more detailed report from uni said I had Dyslexia, ADD (is it called Inattentive ADHD nowadays?) and Irlen syndrome (will maybe write about another time). The Dyslexia mentioned in both was mostly relating to my processing and memory being meh I think. Even though I read them the other day I can’t remember the contents properly, lovely .__. ADD is actually a lot more than I thought it was... I googled it again recently and a lot of the symptoms are similar or overlap with those of AVPD and other things. I want to find an article to link it (though it’s not really necessary) or re-read the report again but even now my head hurts so bad and I just wanna go flop on the bed. I’m really struggling, the mental effort is so strenuous with everything little I do. Even the simplest things wear me out so much that I’m just getting so frustrated and exhausted over and over again. 

Some advice was to go to the doctor for medication to help with the ADD (which I obviously didn’t do). I’m wondering if I should try now, even though it’s been pretty long since the report was written, even though my parents will probably just shun the idea, even though I’m scared of side effects... If it helps, if it makes a difference, it could even be a life changer maybe, or even if it doesn’t help, I’ll never know unless I try... it’s tough... I need to research it some more.

I really badly want to get this post done because thinking about it for so many days (like every other post) has left me with so much anguish, but it’s so hard to formulate the words to express what I really want to say. I feel like I’ve set too much of a structure with my other posts and the general flow of the blog. Also like I’ve set up a certain standard for myself that I feel pressured to try and match every time. I’m just such a ridiculously troublesome and self sabotaging person ughhhh! No no, stop being so negative...! ><

I think I will keep it brief this time and re-visit and elaborate when I can think more clearly next time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, silly... Maybe I should just bullet point my thoughts and stuff so I’ll stop worrying about the structure and grammar and whatever, but I guess it might make less sense then... but when have my posts ever made sense lol... One of the things in one of my dyslexia reports said my writing sample was good but I played it safe with the topic and vocabulary and my paragraphing sucked hahaha. But with more practice, there is improvement. I mean my paragraphing is probably still pretty weird, and my punctuation, I do remember having trouble with it when I was little, but I think I have improved in the general writing department, I’m kind of proud-ish, yay!

Moving on from that subject, I’ve been feeling pretty sad and worried about my family... or well my parents in particular. It’s like... I know I have a very poor quality of life because of health and lack of social stuff, but so do my parents and they never speak about this (no surprise here), but I know about it and I really want to help but when I do they just brush it off or get annoyed... :/ They sacrifice so much of their health for work, and they work so I can live and leech off them pretty much :<

Ugh I’m too brain foggy and distracted... I need a break... :c ...Hmm okay, distracted myself for a bit, nao back to writing something... or not....

*A few days later* welp, uhh... still very groggy and very neck muscle/jaw tension wow. Per usual I forgot what I wanted to say even more lol. I don’t like writing negative/personal stuff about my parents, feels bad man x 10000 .__. I don’t like writing any of this stuff at all, but I can’t give up! Or well, I won’t give up! c: I went back and edited/added to the stuff I wrote, good! Now to continue!

Hmm... in relation my parents having not much concern over their well-being(?) uhh, let’s take the other day for example. I was just saying to my dad that he shouldn’t use expired stuff or things for purposes they’re not designed for or overwork and he got annoyed instantly as usual. I was saying it because I care for him and am worried about his health but I was finding it really hard to express this because of the language barrier. I still tried my best though and after quite a while remembered a certain phrase which is something like wishing or wanting someone to be healthy/have a healthy body. I remembered it because I just heard it a lot the past year and recently (probably a few months ago now) my dad’s bro phoned and said it to me and my dad. He actually wasn’t annoyed anymore after that, maybe because he caught on to what my intentions were or maybe just because he saw me looking upset idk (I got a bit teary but tried to keep looking down and stuff).

Something I also remember and have been wanting to mention, is that my uncle also said to me that same time while my dad was there (he was holding the phone on loudspeaker), that if there is anything troubling me, I shouldn’t hold it all in (my heart) because it’s no good for my health and should speak about it with my parents and stuff (...um maybe this would be possible in an alternate world, but it seems unlikely to work or happen here .__.). My dad’s bro is such a wonderful person and I’m really so thankful and glad my dad has been able to keep in contact with him lately, and to actually see him happy and stuff. I just wish I could’ve talked to him better myself but I froze up cause language barrier and avpd life ugh. That reminds me of another thing, I have relatives but they are all like strangers to me and there’s the language barrier again and it’s just hella awkward... it sucks :c 

I need to stop being such a weenie about everything. No, I say stop too much. I should cease and desist from being such a weenie. Hm... I need to cease and desist from putting myself down and beating my self up, unless it’s beating myself up with only positivity, if that is even possible. Haha that’s a thought... replacing the negative stuff with positive but keeping it in the same attacking tone of voice, it’s pretty amusing. Reminds me of those rap battles I saw on the internets which have complimenting instead of dissing lmao. The more sensical phrase would be to lift yourself up with positivity. Imma make sure to do this instead, lift myself up off my sad butt and get moving. Do you even lift bruh?Lololol :3

I’ve been kinda avoiding going out a bit more lately, I’m so self-conscious and it’s just been getting worse and worser, especially since I’m exposing myself to all these seemingly perfect people on places like Instagram. I can’t help but compare and feel inferior and just ugh. All these people I see are not afraid to like what they like or do and say what they want without feeling ashamed. I aspire to be like them, truly. Seeing that they like things I also like (that I feel stupidly ashamed of and just hide), think and say things similar or exactly on the point of what I would like to (but can never muster the courage to) and are still appreciated and liked is kind of eye opening and reassuring. It gives me hope that if I just really be myself someday, then it’ll actually be okay.

There’s a lot of stuff I wanted to write but kinda just slipped my mind as I focused on other bits, but this post is pretty darn long enough already anyways and my eyes and head are hurting. I guess it’s a good time to end the post and catch some Z’s. I’ll give myself a pat on my (sore aching granneh) back for managing to write even though I felt like I really couldn’t (and wanted to avoid doing so more) and to write out some things I thought I wouldn’t. I did it and I want to continue to get better at expressing and understanding myself! Go go silly me! ^^

Good night~!

#feelings #avpd #add #depression #mental health #dyslexia #family #the whole post is just this .__. #and rambling #mopey mopeness #idk #don't be so hard on yourself #don't push yourself down with negativity #lift yourself up with positivity #get back on your feet and kick ass #you can do it!