#i truly feel so much anxiety when i have to deal with numbers

[snimeat]

Wait. Sorry, but I read your tags and you have dyscalculia? I didn't even think it has a name, I thought it was part of the dyslexia chain of disorders... Which it is! But I didn't know it had a name! I can't believe someone has the same type of inconvenient bullshit as me! Tho, I'm guessing mine is much lighter, since I'm actually pretty good at math. With a lot of checking and people triple checking for me, and struggling with a line of an equation for like an hour before I can comprehend how simple it is in reality. Same with letters tho. The brain sometimes not comprehending what is visually presented and convincing itself it is wrong, when in fact it isn't. Words appearing out of nowhere in the middle of sentences when writing. Or words changing shapes and meanings as you read them, so you have to re-read a few times until your brain understands it. Fun times, sorry, I got into it.

I can't differentiate between 7 and 9 what's the quirk you got from it? XD I know it ain't funny, but I got excited! I mean, if this makes you uncomfortable to talk about, absolutely ignore this please ☀️

oh don’t worry, it’s part of the tumblrcore experience to read tags lmao.

but i do actually, i was also diagnosed quite late i was fourteen at the time. and boy, the struggles i had with it was huge and still is. i didn’t know it was in the same chain as dyslexia but thinking of it now, makes a lot of sense. nice to know a fellow dyscalculic too, i’ve never met anyone either. i don’t think i can define mine as lighter since it was one of the main source of anxiety for me growing up lmao. i just god, i suffered with the bare minimum when it comes to math. even the simplest of problems is difficult for me. i have trouble helping my almost 10 year old sister with her math stuff, to give you an example. i just run from it in any given circumstance. i think i do also double, triple check any calculations i do. i even take a step further and do it at least five times to make sure and my mind sometimes still goes “are you actually sure it’s correct?” and proceeds to count at least two or three more times to be sure, even when i have a calculator with me. my main struggle is forgetting the numbers i’m seeing, exchanging them, i have trouble telling the difference between thousands and millions and whatever else gets too may zeros or too many numbers, basically anything after 900 gets hard for me. it also affects my left and right, cannot get it right for the life of me. reading old clocks takes a few minutes lmao. but truly exchanging things was one of the main issues for me, and i wouldn’t even realise it. it was like my brain couldn’t see the mistake unless someone helped me get there. hm, what else?

< > these two symbols? trust me, i still don’t remember them to this day, i would have to use a visual written explanation to remember which one was which and i still would take a bit of time to get there because it’s just confusing to me. i never had trouble with letters necessarily, i don’t remember rn anyway. those math problems that required you to get an answer after seeing something like “matt has two apples and karen has whatever blah blah blah” i just couldn’t do it. geometric math was my deathbed. pythagora’s theorems HOLY FUCKING HELL my most hated back then. my brain would shut down and not work at all. the multiplication table thing? i swear to god unless it’s two or five (counting on my fingers btw) i can’t do it. it’s like i see math and i think i get it but i don’t, not really. it makes no sense in my brain, i can’t seem to grasp it fully. and it’s so frustrating. i could complain about my brain’s lack of understanding for a lifetime, okay?! 🤣

#maybe it’s also related to my adhd? idk #i read somewhere that the possibility of having one and the other is quite high but im not sure #i truly feel so much anxiety when i have to deal with numbers #i used to work in two places where i had to deal with cash. i used to play it off laughing and saying iit can’t count just to take some weig #weight of my shoulders if i made any mistake #which i did often #repeatedly because i just overlooked them #sometimes iI just don’t see the numbers and i skip something #but i guess that’s also my adhd brain being inattentive lmao #who knows where one begins and the other ends at this point #ra☀️ #youdontloveme-yet #gei’s nonsense answers #dyscalculia

[myfictionaldreams]

Did the reader ever used the safeword with Bucky and Steve? And how did they react/ deal with it?🥺

The Limit // Mafia!Stucky x Fem!Reader

Summary: Everyone has a limit, this includes Steve and Bucky. What happens in different situations where each of you felt compelled to use your safewords?

A/N: thank you for the request! this has actually been requested quite a few times so I hope you all enjoy!

Tags: 18+ readers only, smut, fluff, angst, threesome, safeword use, rough sex, anal, intense, overstimulation, restraints, blindfolds, punishment, spanking, anxiety attacks, protective steve/bucky, emotional hurt/comfort, aftercare, teasing, begging, subspace, pet names, everyone needs a hug, not beta read

Words: 5.1k

my masterlist 📚 AO3 Link

ღREADERღ

During your intimate moments with Steve and  Bucky, there was nothing more important than communication. If you liked something, let each other know. If you wanted to slow down or pause, just simply say the word yellow or tap your fingers once. If you needed everything to stop immediately, whether it was to reposition or discontinue the action, then you’d say the word red or shake your head.

It was a good system to have, especially during moments when scenes would become more intense or rough, needing to know what the limits of the other are, how the fun could continue or the aftercare to begin. Communicating was key.

For example, on one occasion of using the safe word ‘red’, your wants and needs were more than your body could physically cope with.

You were absolutely and truly fucked, sweat coating your body, eyes dazed, the pupils so wide it gave the appearance that your iris’ were shaded black. You were deep into subspace, no thoughts making coherent sense other than the need to pleasure Steve and Bucky, saying anything the try and get more of them, even if it was pushing yourself over the edge. At that moment though, you didn’t care, having orgasmed so many times that your body was refusing to move of your own accord with how weak your muscles felt but luckily Steve and Bucky were more than happy to move you into whatever position you or they wanted.

Currently, you were bent over the desk in Steve’s at-home office, the sturdy oak rubbing against your stomach with each thrust from Bucky’s cock into your arse as your body writhed and pulsed through its unknown number orgasm. At this point, your mouth was permanently opening with the stream of pornographic moans coming out.

Even though you were completely exhausted and definitely should have had a break, or just completely stopped but all your spacey cock-drunk mind could think of was the fact that Steve and Bucky hadn’t cum yet and you needed for them to fill you up. Their stamina was sometimes the best thing but also the worst, when your desperation to get them to their own orgasms but your body was completely exhausted. Particularly in between your legs, your clit was overly sensitive that every touch had you jolting, and your pussy was puffy from the fucking from both men.

“Want you both at the same time, please…” you groaned, words slurring slightly as you attempted to look over your shoulder to Bucky who stroked a hand down your spine, his hips paused to allow your body to adjust to the orgasm but his cock was still very much deep in your ass.

“Think you can handle us, Doll?” Bucky asked with a soft gaze in his eye, trying to assess if you were actually ok to continue. To his right, Steve was doing the same thing, his hand moving up and down his shaft at a leisurely pace.

There was one thing you were good at and that was begging as you pushed your hips back against his, not really pondering on the discomfort that came with it. “Please daddies, want you both, wanna feel full”.

That seemed to convince them enough that the comfort of the cool wood against your face was replaced with Steve’s shoulder as Bucky had wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you with simplicity due to his inhuman strength. Your back was flush against his chest as Steve pushed against your front, his hands firmly under your knees to help keep you upright as your heavy head lolled onto his muscular shoulder.

“Pleaseeee”, you whined, sounding out of breath with the exhaustion of the rough sex you’d been having.

“I’ve got you baby”, Steve encouraged, his cock brushing against your clit as he tried to position it at your dripping hole. With your face now hiding in the crevice of Steve’s shoulder, neither he nor Bucky could see your visible wince due to the discomfort but still you held on to his blonde hair that curled slightly at the nape of his neck.

However, as Steve’s thick cock slipped into your over-used pussy, your low grunt that you made to match the instant tensing of all your muscles, Steve and Bucky’s eyes blazed with concern as they looked at each other over your shoulder.

“Hot Mama, what’s your colour?” Bucky questioned for your safe word, having already half-deciding that if you said green he wouldn’t believe you, blaming the subspace for pushing yourself past the limit of pleasure.

You had felt fuzzy when they’d first picked you up, but now, the discomfort and stinging from between your legs seemed to push some clarity back. Of course, you felt bad that Steve and Bucky still hadn’t cum but you knew it would cause more upset if they continued and caused you any further injury so accepting defeat, shoulders dropping, words now sounding more clear, “red”.

Steve and Bucky both loosened their position so they weren’t so squished against their bodies but still carefully held you up.

“Take a deep breath in and slowly release”, Steve instructed and as you breathed out, both cocks were simultaneously pulled out of your holes and you instantly felt relief. “Good girl, thank you for being honest with us, we’re going to look after you, ok?” Steve’s voice was gentle, as he continued to explain what was going to happen. “I’m going to wrap your legs around my waist and we’re all going to go to the bathroom, whilst Bucky gets you something to drink”.

This was exactly what they did, Steve taking all of your weight, wrapping your legs around his waist and then holding underneath your thighs to keep you upright as your body still felt like it was made of jello. You weren’t sure what to say, only thankful that you could trust these two men that would stop getting their own pleasure, so you kissed his neck softly, showing that you appreciated him. Steve’s grip tightened around you as he began walking out of the office and to the en-suit bathroom in your bedroom.

“Shower or bath?” he asked, mumbling the question against your temple, kissing the hairline even though you were still sheeted in sweat.

You contemplated for a moment, scrapping your fingers through his hair and decided that you wanted to be weightless and have just a moment to sit back and process everything. “A bath please”.

Steve filled the excessively large bathtub with hot, soapy water, knowing you all needed the heat to help relax the exserted muscles. Still holding you, he settled down, into the water, releasing a deep moan that vibrated against your chest as his grip on your thighs relaxed as you both were submerged.

His touch however didn’t end as he instead wrapped both of his arms around your back, holding you close to his front still. You felt safe in the embrace and the heat of the water soaking into your body, soothing the ache in your muscles and stinging between your legs.

A tap on your head alerted you to Bucky’s arrival as he crouched next to you, holding out a glass of orange juice with a reassuring smile. “Drink up mama, let’s start building up that energy, I’ve got some snacks on the bed as well”. Gently, Bucky tilted the glass to your mouth, helping you to drink the sugary drink that instantly quenched the thirst you didn’t realise you felt but also made you feel slightly more energised as you snuggled back against Steve.

The water lapped against the sides as Bucky climbed into the spacious bath, sliding in close to your side and kissing your bare shoulder, hand stroking over your upper back and with the sheer size of both of your boyfriend’s hands, the entire span of your back was not covered by Steve and Bucky.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Bucky asked in between kisses along your skin. You nodded in response, pushing up off of Steve’s chest, testing your own strengths, surprising yourself when you were actually able to sit back fully on his thighs, noting the soft cock that now floated between your bodies in the soapy water. A pang of guilt settled in the pit of your stomach as you now looked between both boyfriends.

Steve tilted your chin with a single finger, making you look into his crystal-blue eyes, “I don’t like that look you’ve got, I’m glad you used your safe word, it’s the reason we’ve got them and Buck and I don’t need to cum to have a good time, do you understand that?”

“Yeah, I do”, you responded honestly.

“Good. Do you want to explain to us what happened?”

The three of you talked through everything, discussing what could be done differently next time like saying yellow and having a break or not trying to do every single sexual act possible in one evening. You even cheekily blamed their stamina for being too strong which earned a hearty laugh from them both before cuddling back onto Steve’s chest for a couple more minutes.

“Let’s get out of here honey”, Steve decided, beginning to shift to stand.

Your legs were still incredibly unsteady so you held on desperately to Steve as Bucky dried you with a fresh, warm towel, being careful over tender areas before helping to slip an oversized shirt over your head.

“Come here!”, you squealed as Bucky enthusiastically picked you up bridal style, kissing your cheek as your arms settled around his waist. It always felt odd when you were the one semi-clothed and your boyfriends were in the nude, usually, it was the other way around but you enjoyed it nonetheless, even though you’d been getting fucked by both of them not that long ago, you still admired their beautifully structured bodies.

“Eyes up, baby”, Steve joked from where he walked behind you, drying himself as he walked, purposelessly flexing his arms so the muscles bulged, and you bite your lip to hide your grin.

Bucky gently lay you in the centre of the bed, next to the collection of randomly selected snacks that ranged from sweets and chocolate to fresh fruits. The brunette slide in closely beside you, reaching around the begin rooting through the snacks before feeding you a couple of raspberries.

It was a peaceful end to the day and the complete opposite of how you thought it would be. The way they both tended to your needs meant that you were lost in a fuzzy headspace and even though your body would undoubtedly ache in the morning, you were just glad that you were with two men that always put your needs above their own and made you feel safe.

ღBUCKYღ

The safe word wasn’t just for you though and there had been occasions where Bucky had to use it as well.

You were 10 spanks into a punishment, thrown haphazardly over Steve’s meaty thighs, your body completely nude and arse cheeks raw to the touch from Steve’s palm. You were thoroughly enjoying the roughness but Bucky on the other hand thought Steve was going too rough, ignoring your pleasured moans and sopping wet cunt to show your signs of arousal.

Internally, Bucky was panicking from where he watched in a chair opposite Steve. His fists were clenched painfully, not that he could send the pain from his metal arm but the gears creaked from how tightly he was tightening his hand. Bucky never enjoyed it when Steve was super rough with you, even though you were adamant that you enjoyed it, Bucky hated to see the pain that came with the pleasure. You were his sweet Doll, you deserved the best and he always thought it was counterproductive to do harsh punishments. This was also why it was Bucky’s job during these moments to make sure to say if things went too far as sometimes you would slip into a headspace that wouldn’t care for your safety and let Steve continue until you passed out, and this, they definitely didn’t want.

Most of the time, Bucky was fine watching, allowing Steve to do any of the rougher sides of things during sex but today, there was something that didn’t settle right within Bucky. Without processing what he was doing, he moved off of his chair and squatted down next to your face from where it stared at the floor. As soon as you felt his cool metal palm stroke your cheek, you reached to hold onto the wrist, keeping him there.

Steve’s hand continued to lay spanks against your arse, each one you gasped and then thanked him for it as per your punishment rules and if you forget, then he starts again.

Bucky wiped away the tears that always seemed to fall during these moments, “are you ok, mama?” he asks under his breath.

“Yeah”, you say with a quiver in your voice, another tear sliding down your cheek. Bucky looked up at Steve with uncertainty in his eyes, unsure whether you were actually fine to continue or it was just Bucky who was feeling anxious and unnerved. Steve raised a single perfect eyebrow, questioning Bucky’s look and this was where you sensed the silent conversation that was happening. “Please sir, I can handle it, I’m ok”, you reassured Steve to continue with a simple shake of your hips.

Steve glanced at Bucky one more time before continuing. Three more strikes later and you released a different sort of whine one that gave Bucky pure panic that rocked his core, not being able to hear it sounded like you were in pain as he suddenly shouted, “RED!”

Steve immediately stopped, his eyes filling with panic as he helped to lay you on the bed, careful of your sore arse but he needed to see your face. “Baby? Are you ok? Talk to me”, Steve encouraged as he stood over you.

Blinking back tears, your body was trembling with adrenaline but you were clearly confused by the sudden stop to the punishment, disorientated as you didn’t say to stop. “Im…I’m ok, I didn’t need to stop, m’fine”, you mumbled, your tongue feeling too big for your mouth.

Steve frowned, even though you were confused, he could clearly see she wasn’t at any point to stop, not showing any visible signs of being in significant pain or distress. Confused he turned to Bucky who had stood, breathing heavily like he’d just been for a run, his eyes wild and darting between his friend and you.

“I thought she- she sounded like she was in pain I… I didn’t-.. I couldn’t-”, Bucky hastily rubbed a hand over his face, struggling to fill his lungs with air as his panic continued to escalate. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the confusion of hearing you whimpering in pain or the realisation that he’d stopped something you were clearly enjoying or the disappointment that Steve was bound to feel for stopping a scene early, or just a mixture of everything.

In his panic, he didn’t see Steve standing to his full height, his face calm and understanding as he approached Bucky with his hands outstretched, “Bucky, calm down, she’s ok, she’s not hurt”, the mafia leader tried to calm his second in command, sensing the edge of composure that Bucky had was close to slipping.

“Yeah…yeah she’s ok…” Bucky repeated, trying to almost convince himself but it wasn’t much use as he was close to a panic attack, something he hadn’t experienced since his time in the war with Steve many years ago.

“Bucky?” it was you now to notice the distress of your boyfriend. Even though you still continued to feel confused, your own anxiety was beginning to creep up with seeing Bucky’s panic. With a weak attempt, you tried to reach for him, your hands still visibly trembling from the comedown of the punishment, your eyes now filling with tears as you didn’t manage to grasp onto Bucky.

“I’m- I’m sorry I just-”, Bucky turned away, running his hands over his trimmed hair, trying to get some composure, seeing you actually becoming distressed with seeing him like this. From your position on the bed, you watched Steve stand in front of his friend, so he was facing in your direction, his expression concerned as he placed a strong hand on Bucky’s shoulder. Steve leaned in close to Bucky, talking seriously but in a hushed tone “Buck listen to me, she’s fine, take a breath for me, she’s alright”.

You wanted nothing more than to be with Bucky and make sure that he was ok, rarely ever seeing him like this. Forcefully, you tried to shake your body from head to toe, attempting to snap out of the confused state you were in, your boyfriend needed you, so you needed to get a hold of yourself. With great effort and a heavy grunt, you rolled onto your side, swinging your legs in front of you to try and stand on them.

However, they were still very unsteady and you weren’t able to push off of the bed. Steve noticed over Bucky’s shoulder what you were attempting to do and quickly rushed forward to stop you from falling, “Baby be careful, we still need to do aftercare, stay on the bed”.

“But I need Bucky”, your voice wobbled as you looked at Steve with sadness and fear.

Hearing you say that seemed to snap Bucky out of his feared trance and he was kneeling in front of you in a couple of steps, but you still noticed the way he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, “I’m here Doll, I’ve got you”.

Finally having him close, you tried to wrap your arms around his shoulders, leaning close to hug him but it ended up being more than he was holding your body up but he was more than happy to do that. Repositioning the two of you, Bucky effortlessly manoeuvred your body into his lap as he sat on the edge of the bed, being careful of your sore arse cheeks as he positioned your legs on either side of his hips in a straddle.

Neither of you says anything as you continue to build more strength and hold onto his shoulders firmer, face nuzzling into his neck, trying to reassure him that you were ok. Your fingers still held a slight tremble but you stroked circled onto the back of his head, making sure you were feeling more aware before you began to speak, “I’m ok James”.

The use of had his sagging, the tension running from his body as Steve returned from the kitchen, carrying two glasses of water forcing you and Bucky to finish them. All three of you sat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, allowing for the tension that had been thick in the air to disappear as you and Bucky regained composure.

It was Bucky who spoke first, wishing to explain himself even though this was unnecessary, “I’m sorry, I think you were in pain and I just couldn’t bare to listen to it-”.

You cut him off by leaning back, looking into his eyes with a sad smile, “It’s ok, you don’t have to explain anything, I’m sorry I distressed you so much Bucky”. Leaning forward, you closed the gap between your mouths, kissing him softly and letting him just feel you for a moment, helping his tense posture to relax further.

Steve sat beside his friend, returning his comfortable hand to his shoulder. “Sometimes we can all get a little lost in the moment but that’s why we have the safe words, it’s for all of us, to protect us, that’s what this relationship is about. I’m sorry it ever got to this point Bucky”.

“I know, thank you, both of you”, he sounded relieved and significantly more calm as he kissed your bare shoulder.

Steve nods, passing an affectionate hand on the back of Bucky’s head before standing, returning from the bathroom with the salve for your burning arsecheeks, asking with a questioning eyebrow, “Would you like to do it or shall I?”

Bucky contemplated for a moment, thinking it would be nice to be able to soothe your sore cheeks but he was also enjoying the embrace and decided he’d much prefer to stay like that, “You can do it, Steve, I want to stay right here”, his arms tightening around your body as your nuzzled in closer to him.

From the position you were being held in with straddling Bucky’s lap, it still meant that Steve could massage the salve into your cheeks and you tried not to wince at the touch but then the salve instantly soothed your hot skin.

As he finished, he looked up at Bucky who was watching his movements carefully, “You know, we didn’t manage to finish the scene - not the punishment, that’s finished, but she wasn’t given the reward and I don’t want her to go through a subdrop tomorrow, what do you say Bucky? Want to reward her for being such a good girl”.

Steve already knew the answer from the way Bucky’s eyes darkened, his throat bobbing as he swallowed harshly. There was nothing Bucky wanted more than to hear your sweet moans, especially after the panic of hearing you in pain, he wanted to make you feel good, “I would love nothing more than to do that”. You smiled against Bucky’s neck, looking forward to what was to come, planning your own reward to Bucky.

ღSTEVEღ

Steve held a significant amount of authority in his life, being the leader of his mafia gang, making all of the decisions to benefit others or take away their lives. So often in your relationship, you always joked about being in control for once and even attempted it on a few occasions by handcuffing Steve’s hands to the bed.

However, with his strength, he was easily able to snap out of them and regain control of the situation. It was Bucky who had the bright idea of using his strength that matched Steve’s to hold him down. This led to the current situation of Steve sitting in his office chair that was positioned in the middle of the room and his hands behind his back where Bucky held them with his metal hand.

All three of you were completely nude and you watched excitedly as Steve’s cock throbbed against his abdomen, desperate to be touched.

“Are you ready?”, you asked with giddy excitement, not bothering to hide your grin as you held the blindfold in your hand.

“More than ever, baby”, Steve responded with just as much enthusiasm, eyes taking in every inch of your naked body, trying to see as much as he could before he was blindfolded. With a seductive swing of your hips, you stepped forward in between Steve’s man-spread legs and placed the eyemask over his head, making sure it was secure and there weren’t any gaps that he could see out of. Steve was plunged into darkness, his arms flexing momentarily to check to hold Bucky had on him, only to find that it was very firm, there was no way he was getting out of it.

Grinning at Bucky over Steve’s shoulder, you began by placing a simple kiss on Steve’s lips, feeling him try and press firmer but you pulled back before he could try and gain control.

You thoroughly teased Steve for a bit, nipping and kissing the column of his neck before straddling one of his thighs, rolling your bare core against him so he could feel your arousal, watching his cock throb at the touch. It was exhilarating to see him in such a state and even though you never liked to really be in control of these moments, much preferring to be submissive, it was thrilling to hear the desperate groans of the most dangerous leader in all of Brooklyn, as you touched him everywhere except his cock.

Steve was both enjoying the dynamic and also finding it hard to adjust to not being able to see or touch your body with his hands. He always liked seeing you had a little bit more dominance but to take away his control completely was a different step he’d never taken before.

“Want to see you”, he admits, mouth hanging open to release a heavy breath as you stroked a firm line down his abs, once again skipping over his member. You don’t say anything but Bucky watches as you grinned, his own cock throbbing painfully hard as seeing the way you were teasing his friend.

“Please baby, I wanna see you”, Steve repeats, now realising just how much he missed your pretty face. You continue to not say anything, thinking that it added to the tension, especially as a bead of precum dripped from the tip.

The next part of your plan involved one of your favourite vibrators planning on holding it against Steve’s cock but as you stood to retrieve it, from the way you’d been straddling his thigh for so long, your legs felt slightly unsteady as you stumbled and accidentally stubbed your toe on the metal table leg.

You automatically squealed in pain, quickly smacking a hand to your mouth to stop any further yellow, looking back at Bucky with wide eyes as you tried not to laugh and cry from the pain at the same time. Of course, you still managed to be clumsy in such a sexual moment like you were currently in, silently thankful that Steve hadn’t seen otherwise he’d be teasing you endlessly.

Bucky was trying not to laugh as well, biting his lip as held in his chuckle, not noticing the way that Steve had tensed.

“Baby?” the restrained man asked, turning his head, not that he could see you. Your silent laughter to him sounded almost like you were crying with his heightened hearing, “Are you ok? What’s happening?”

You were still hobbling on one foot, massaging the pained toe with one hand whilst covering your mouth with the other hand, keeping in your increasing laughter. Because you were so distracted with easing the pain in your toe, you hadn’t noticed Steve going on high alert, spine straight, his arm muscles bulging from attempts to pull free of Bucky’s unbreakable grip.

It was only as he began to verbalise his panic, did you realise something was wrong, “Let go of me! RED!” Steve shouted with desperation causing both yours and Bucky’s hearts to hammer in your chests. Bucky immediately let go and Steve was instantly pulling off his mask as you rushed to limp over, arms reaching out to him.

“Are you ok? What’s wrong?” your hands cupped his distressed face, eyes wide with panic as he looked you over, seeing not life-threatening injuries before pulling you into his lap, forehead resting against your chest as you held him to you.

Steve doesn’t say anything immediately, just simply held you close as he tried to process what had just happened. Bucky walked around the chair, squatting down so he was eye level with the two of you as he asked, “Steve? What’s going on?”

Your fingers stroked gently through his hair, hoping that the touch was helping to calm him. “I’m sorry Steve, did we take it too far?”. You thought maybe it was the lack of control that had him panicking.

Steve’s voice was muffled as he spoke against your skin, “It… it wasn’t the control I didn’t like, I just couldn’t see you, I couldn’t get out... If someone came in, if someone came to get you I couldn’t get to you-”

He began to struggle with controlling his breathing again so you quietly shushed into his ear, holding him closer and realised that it wasn’t the lack of control with sex that he didn’t like. It was because he thought you were hurt and he couldn’t get to you and assumed the worst. You immediately felt guilty having caused him such distress.

“I’m always safe when you’re around Steve, I’m sorry I scared you”. The tension in his shoulders eased slightly as he finally pulled back to look into your eyes, taking a deep breath that filled his lungs completely before releasing it.

But then he notices something out of the corner of his eye, the panic returning once more as he stated, “You’re bleeding”.

You glanced down to where he was looking and finally noticed that where you’d walked into the table, you’d formed a small cut that had bled only a few drops of blood.

“Shit”, you say under your breath, looking back into his worried face as Bucky instantly held onto your foot, his metal hand helping to cool the hot skin. “I stumbled when I stood up and hit my toe on the metal legs of the table, it’s just me being clumsy that’s all, I’m not seriously hurt”.

Steve sighed, now understanding the noise he’d heard, his forehead dropping onto your shoulder as you nuzzled into his hair, holding him close. After a few minutes of him calming down, you asked, “Everything ok?”

The man in your arms leaned back, looking ashamed now as he began to speak, “Sorry for killing the mood-”, your hand was fast to cover his lips, cutting off his words.

“Nope, I’m not having that”, you say simply, giving him a stern look.

“Yeah man, we want you to enjoy times like this, remember? You always remind us that these words are there for a reason, if you feel unsafe then you have to use them no matter what”.

“It’s not my safety I was worried about”, Steve responded honestly whilst looking up at you.

Leaning forward, you kissed each of his cheeks gently, seeing his eyes close at the touch before you kissed his lips, trying to show how much you appreciated him with the touch. Leaning your forehead against his, you affectionately joked, “Always my knight in shining armour”.

Bucky stood beside you, catching both of your attention as he light heartened decided the next steps, “Let’s get dressed, get some take out and go home”. Gently he patted Steve’s shoulder and rubbed your back before walking over to the dumped clothes from earlier.

What you hadn’t been expecting was Steve standing suddenly with you in his arms still, “You can put me down!” you’re laughing as you say this, holding tightly onto his neck.

Steve finally smiled, “Not with your foot injury”, he jokes but you knew it was more than that with the way he was stroking your skin with his thumb and the intense gaze with which he looked at you. You knew he needed to feel you closer, even with the immediate danger having been explained to him, he needs to just make sure that you were safe.

#mafia au #mafia steve rogers #mafia bucky barnes #mafia bucky #steve rogers smut #bucky barnes smut #bucky smut #stucky smut #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #marvel smut #marvel one shot #stucky one shot #steve rogers #bucky #bucky barnes #mine* #request

[strniohoeee]

Labyrinth

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female reader

Synopsis: A numb and addicted y/n can’t seem to understand why her life suddenly feels different. She’s done nothing but move around in her adult years, so why is it now that she feels she can’t pack up and leave anytime soon?

Warnings⚠️: I haven’t written in over a month, so I’m super rusty this might be shitty! Cigarette smoking and mentions, mentions of addiction, mentions of alcohol. I don’t condone smoking or drinking (underage).🖤

Song for imagine: Cigarettes and Coffee- Otis Redding

Its early in the morning

About a quarter ‘til three

I’m sittin here talking with my baby

Over cigarettes and coffee

I was never one to deal with stress easily which led me to deal with it in the worst ways possible. Drinking, smoking, quitting jobs on the spot and even packing up and leaving places…..I know stupid and risky, but I never had that anchor in my life to tell me everything was going to be okay.

If I felt stressed and useless my things were packed and I was on the road to a new state. I think I was on state number 7 in about a year and a half. Who the fuck in their right mind handles stress this way? That was the million dollar question, and I had the answer…. I wasn’t in my right mind…not in the past, not in the present and undoubtedly not in the future.

After my last breakdown I landed in California precisely in Los Angeles, the city of angels. Where all your dreams and aspirations could come true. It just felt like lost paradise to me, but it’s the longest state I’ve ever stood in. For some reason I couldn’t find the power in me to leave when I got stressed. It was as if I had some unforeseen future here….a future of happiness and hope?

But the stress still gnawed at me. Will I ever have a career, will I ever be truly happy, will my parents be proud of me?How am I going to pay for next month's rent?How am I going to pay for next week's groceries?

It was a constant battle and I never severely suffered because I always found a way, but once all that was taken care of the immediate panic started again about how will I be able to do it all in the following weeks.

I started smoking constantly and it was weird because I wasn’t a smoker but I knew I should drink a little less. I only lit a cigarette when the stress was so bad I refused to drink anymore. Not like smoking was any better ruining my lungs rather than my liver….

But the problem was it went from one to two a day to five and on really bad days even up to eight. It was a bad crutch I simply couldn’t pull away from. They were my training wheels and I was so scared that once I let go I’d crash and burn.

I had an addiction and I had no one around me to slap me out of it. Of course I still spoke to my parents, but I just lied about it. I mean there’s truly no one to blame but myself, however all that regret left my mind once a lighter was in my hand and I took a long drag while the cool night breeze brushed against my skin.

I was lucky enough to have found a job almost instantly. It was a cute little coffee shop that had a small selection of books. It was a peaceful and slow paced job. We only really needed two to three people working. So I’d open at 8am and waited for the next girl to clock in at about 11am.

It was a fun job that paid the bills and my horrendous cigarette addiction. I had found a decent studio apartment nearby. But I was always convinced that this would be snatched from under my feet and I should never get comfortable. As you can expect this led to my extreme stress and anxiety.

I didn’t necessarily have friends here, I mean yes I was cool with my coworkers and boss; but we weren’t friends. It was more of a hi, bye situation. It didn’t bother me much. I was always a loner. I never really found people who got me, so I stayed with the only person who did…me.

On my days off I spent a lot of time walking around flea markets, heading into other cafes and even writing. I’d always hoped that one day I’d be a writer. My mind was always running and I figured someone out there might actually relate to and enjoy the words I’d write on a piece of paper.

Today I was actually working a small shift from 8am to 1pm. I was staring blankly at my reflection in the bathroom. Scruffing my hands and gargling mouthwash. It was 11am and I was coming back from my break.

Spitting the mouthwash into the sink I closed the cap and stuffed the travel size bottle into my purse. Inhaling deeply I looked at myself once again.

“You have got to stop smoking” I replied in a mumble

Slipping my hand blindly into my purse I pulled out my perfume; spritzing myself before shutting the light and heading into the break room to place my purse back.

Slipping my apron on my coworker walked in, clocking in the back as she offered me a smile

“Good morning Y/N” she said as she walked towards me to place her things down

“Good morning K” I stated as I offered a smile back and began to make my way to clock back in

I wasn’t sure why her name was K, it was all over her employee paperwork. She was here before me, so I felt I had no right to ask her for her real name. But it was interesting for someone to just drop the rest of their name and solely go by a singular letter.

After punching back in I walked to the front, not a surprise it was dead. The only people lingering around were the 8am-9am crew. Sighing deeply I decided to clean up a bit.

It was about 12pm now and I was watching the clock anxiously waiting to clock out and run free. Usually I worked 8-4 and sometimes even 8-6. I had a whole day ahead of me and two days off might I add. I felt pretty invincible

Drinking from my water cup the door chimed signaling a customer. Placing the cup down I began to turn around.

“Hi welcome to Mugs” I stated as I turned around

Immediately I was intrigued. I have never seen someone as interesting before. I mean it is LA, so I have seen some interesting stuff; but no he looked different…. And for some reason I couldn’t really look away

Placing his vision glasses on top of his head he squinted his eyes to read the menu. My eyebrow raising.

“You know glasses are meant for you to see things” I said logging into the register as I looked up at him

“I’m sorry?” He said looking at me

“You um…. You put your glasses on your head and then squinted to read” I said pointing above me at the board

“Oh… well these are just blue light glasses. I genuinely can’t really see” he said in an awkward way

“Ohhh well uhh want me to read the menu to you?” I asked laughing a bit

“Oh no it’s fine, I’m not really a coffee drinker” he stated looking at our pastry display

“You do realize you’re in a Coffee shop?” I said jokingly

His both opened a bit and then he squinted his eyes

“I am now seeing how ridiculous I look” he said chuckling and shaking his head

“No judgment here” I said sticking my hands up in defense

“I won’t waste your time any more! Can I have a chocolate chip cookie and that bottle of Pepsi” he said pointing behind me at the small fridge

“One Pepsi and one cookie, coming right up” I said checking him out on the screen

Grabbing the cookie and bottle of soda I placed it on the counter and slid it towards him.

“You can tap or insert your card whenever you’re ready” I stated clicking some buttons on my screen

“I’m uhh actually paying cash” he said fishing in his wallet

“Woahhh cash in this century?” I said giggling and fixing the system

“Yeahh I carry a little bit of cash and little bit of card” he said shrugging his shoulders

“A little bit of card….hmm…that’s funny” I said giggling a bit at him

“Well you know what I mean” he says playfully rolling his eyes

“I’m just messing with you” I said shaking my head

Smiling he handed the cash over and grabbed his items

“Keep the change” he said waving with his hand and nodding his head

Walking out the door I couldn’t seem to understand why I had a stupid smile on my face. Putting the cash in the till and placing the change in our tip jar.

Turning around I was met with my two coworkers staring at me with a smirk on their face. I’d never been the spotlight of attention and I’ve never gotten anything other than a good morning from either of them. So my face dropped and I got self conscious

“What?” I said a bit scared as I straightened my posture

“He was totally into you” K stated as she placed the rack of cookies down

“Was not! We were just making friendly conversations” I said opening the pastry shelf and putting some cookies in

“No no I agree with K we’ve had a lot of guys come in here, but this is the first time I’ve seen a guy like utter more than two words to you and he was totally geeking out” Delilah stated

“Totally! That kid was blushing like crazyyy” K stated as she grabbed the now empty tray and began to walk back towards the kitchen

“Guys come on! It was just friendly banter” I said shutting the pastry door

“Delilah knows her shit too, that’s how Danny and I got together” K stated from the kitchen

“Shut up! No way” I said rolling my eyes

“Sure did! As soon as we had an interaction K told me he’d be back for my number, and that was three years ago” K replied

“You just got lucky this was nothing but mere coincidence” I replied back to them

“You’ll see girl” Delilah stated as she began to make herself a coffee

Playfully rolling my eyes I checked the clock, I had about 10 minutes till my shift was over. I decided to make myself a drink.

As I made my iced latte I began to wonder. I didn’t really have many interactions with guys, but I think I’d know if someone was flirting with me.

It just felt like a friendly banter with an awkwardly shy….nerdy guy. Laughing to myself I finished making my drink.

“Alright girls I’m going to clock out now” I stated as I walked to the back

Punching out and grabbing my things I slid my apron off and grabbed my drink. Heading towards the front of the cafe

I waved bye to the girls as I took a sip.

“Have a good day girls” I said as I walked out

I had the whole day ahead of me and I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. My job was near a pier where I could always sit down and watch people.

Before heading to the pier I decided to stop for some food. Heading into a small restaurant I sat down. Taking my book out of my purse I began to write. I hadn’t written in two weeks and it felt wrong.

Ghosting my hand over the paper, my mind just kept going blank. I couldn’t form a proper sentence and my mind began to race again. Thinking back on that boy I began to think about my love life.

Honestly I didn’t really have one, I was more of a hopeless romantic. Often watching rom coms and rolling my eyes at how unrealistic that love was. I’m sure it was tangible, but I was just a sour puss.

I longed for a relationship like that to always know you’ll have someone there for you loving you unconditionally. To be with someone through sickness and in health. I was only 22, but it seemed to me that everyone around me already had that amazing soulmate. I was very clearly late to the game and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find someone to love. I wasn’t even sure I was lovable myself.

Then again I never put myself out there, but times have changed. It's not that easy. Guys have become so shitty and all they care about it sex. But it’s like what about getting to know the person deep down.

Not once has a guy ever asked me my dreams and aspirations, where do I see myself in five years? What are my biggest goals in life? What’s my biggest fear….. I lost all hope for love by the time I was 18.

Reading romantic stories and watching these shows and movies definitely added salt to the wound.

I hadn’t realized how much I was writing till my hand began to cramp. Looking up I realized it was no longer daytime.

“Shit” I muttered under my breath

Slamming my book shut I paid my bill and began to gather my things. Walking out of the restaurant I stepped out onto the golden street. It was about 5:45 and I really couldn’t understand how that much time had passed.

I think that’s why I enjoy writing the most, I’m so far gone in my own world it’s like I’m frozen and the world around me continues to move.

Walking towards the pier it was surprisingly empty at this time. Breathing in the salty air I sat down on a bench. Watching the ocean I let the breeze blow through my hair.

Digging in my purse I pulled out my pack of American Spirits. Sighing deeply I pulled a cigarette out. As soon as I grabbed my lighter all the regret washed away from me.

Placing the white object in between my lips I flicked the lighter a few times before a glowing flame appeared before me. Guarding the flame from the wind I brought it closer.

Inhaling as I lit the cigarette all my worries washed away. This was only my second cigarette of the day and I somehow felt accomplished.

Kicking the gravel underneath me I took a long drag, exhaling I got up. Walking over to the edge of the pier I decided to sit down allowing my legs to hang off the edge.

I wasn’t 100% sure I could do this, but it’s worth a shot I thought to myself. Leaning my chin in the railing I took another drag as I stared into the sunset.

Life was so beautiful and I wasn’t sure why I was so sad and numb all the time. I took a lot for granted and I hated it.

I really needed to stop smoking.

“You know those things will kill you” I heard from behind me

My brows began to furrow as I took a drag

“I’m sorry?” I said annoyed as I looked behind me, blowing the smoke out through my nose as my face dropped

“You shouldn’t smoke” he said again with a cheeky smile on his face

Meeting eyes with the same guy from the cafe made my heart skip a beat and my throat go dry.

“Squinting your eyes is also bad for you” I said putting the cigarette out

“Won’t kill me though” he said shrugging his shoulders

“You never know” I said shrugging my shoulders and standing up

His eyes followed me as I got up and it was only then did I feel super self conscious about this whole situation. My embarrassment turned a bit into anger.

“Anyways you drink Pepsi, so that for sure will kill you” I said as I dusted my pants off

“Guess we’ll both be dead then” he replied

“Wow you’re super blunt” I said scoffing

“Sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off rude. I was just playfully teasing” he said looking nervous

Looking at him for a split second and I sniffed and then rolled my eyes

“It’s fine. It’s a bad habit anyways” I replied shrugging my shoulders

“We all have bad habits we’re not proud of” he said in a whisper

“Are you uhh following me?” I asked him cocking an eyebrow

“What? No oh my god no! I was just walking and I thought you looked super familiar” he replied putting his hands out in defense

“I’m just teasing you” I said giggling

“I’m Matt” he replied placing his hand out for me to shake

“I’m Y/N” I stated as I shook his hand

“It’s nice to formally meet you” he said awkwardly

“Yeah” I replied awkwardly

“I’ll uh… ill let you go on about your business. Maybe I’ll see you around” He said

“Well you know where to find me” I said smiling at him

Opening my bag I was digging around for my phone before successfully pulling it out.

“Right, we’ll have a good evening” he said and waved shyly

“I’ll see you round Matt” I replied

Going our separate ways I looked down at my phone, 6:55pm…. Sighing, I walked back to my car close to the cafe and drove home.

Shuffling up the stairs I pushed my apartment door open after unlocking it. Making note that I must call the maintenance guy because that door needs some WD40 badly.

Locking the door I turned my lights on. Today just felt strange like I couldn’t put my finger in exactly what the fuck was going on.

Walking over to my patio I opened the sliding door and stepped out. Taking in the evening breeze my mind just went blank.

Stepping back inside I grabbed my purse, grabbing my lighter I shuffled my hand around my purse to feel for my pack of cigarettes. But my brows furrowed when I didn’t feel the square container.

Walking over towards the light I opened my bag more and looked inside. An annoyed feeling washed over me as I couldn’t find the box. I mean honestly good because I did not need anymore.

Still searching as if the box was going to magically appear. I groaned soon realizing I must’ve left them on the bench and they are for a fact long gone by now.

Throwing my lighter back into my purse I groaned and sat on my couch. The one time I desperately need a cigarette I fucking left it on the pier.

I cut that night short with a 80s movie marathon and left over pizza as a midnight snack.

remembering that tomorrow I had to stop into the cafe to pick up my paycheck. We’re living in a very digital world right now and my job still does paper checks….

Groaning at that I decided to call it a night….

The End

Okayyy IVE BEEN GONE FOR SOOO FUCKING LONG. And I’m sooo sorry it’s just life has been so crazy since March! However this was the end of part 1….stay tuned for more🥺🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

#sturniolo triplets #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets imagines #matt sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo imagines #matthew sturniolo x reader #Spotify

[musingsofalovelymillenial]

Non and Kru Keng!

Dead Friend Forever Ep 7 - extended opinion ( long-ish post)

Trigger Warnings : Sexual abuse, sexual coercion, grooming, etc. 

Since episode 7 aired I have been appalled at the number of posts I have seen regarding Non and Keng and Non’s behavior. Before I dive into ( and yes this is me letting out my anger regarding things I have seen) I want to provide some background that is also a basis for my personal opinion.  I also want to state that while I truly believe everyone is titled to their own opinion there are certain things that are wrong and should not be romanticized/glossed over.

My professional background is in psychology, social work and human service ( dealing with abuse and domestic violence)

My personal background also makes what is happening to Non even harder to watch. Episodes 5, 6 and 7 took me a while to get through and resulted honestly in needing to detach for a while. I grew up attending middle school and high school in an area where most of the students attending my schools were wealthy. During that time I and my friends experienced severe bullying for being poor and for not living the way everyone else did. For context we lived 20 minutes away from our school where almost everyone lived surrounding the school and we lived in a trailer park and even though our bus was overcrowded all the trailer park children rode one bus. We as a group were constantly in trouble even when we did nothing wrong, our vice principal called us trailer trash to our faces on our bus and the kids at school were cruel and treated us like we were disgusting and not good enough. When we were “lucky” enough to be invited to their houses we were watched more than the other kids and we were not treated the same way by the parents compared to their fellow friends from the same income level.  We were taught by everyone around us that we should be and were inferior ( we were not!).  During this time there was also one of my bullies who everyday would not only verbally harass me but sexually harass me at my locker and the worst part at the time was that there were either the kids that ignored that it was happening or the kids who laughed. I can't speak for my few friends at the time but what made all this worse was because school was not the only place I had problems. At home my father was an alcoholic and on any given day my house was a cocktail mixture of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and domestic violence. After a while I not only started feeling sick a lot but I eventually stopped going to school and would stay home “sick” to avoid school ( both my parents worked so I would be alone during the day). Around this time was really when I developed anxiety, depression and for the first time battled with suicidal thoughts. This went on for a long time. When things finally had their culminating point of me finally opening up at least about what was happening at school. My mom was the first person to ask me and later as an adult in therapy my therapist also asked why did I never tell anyone what was happening to me? The answer was truly simple, complex but simple. I did not want to burden anyone. I told my mom she already dealt with so much because of my father and how he treated us that I did not want to add one more burden to her already full plate. I felt that if I could just handle it on my own it would be fine, eventually it would stop or these people who were cruel would just give up. I also felt ashamed and disgusted by what was happening. I also told my therapist (as an adult looking back on that time) that why would I tell anyone when the kids in the hallway made it clear they did not care and the adults ( teachers and office staff) who I should have been able to trust made it clear they did not like us either simply because of where we live and our income level.  

Now back to Dead Friend Forever

Here are the definitions for Abuse of Power, Sexual Coercion and Grooming.

Abuse of power is when someone misuses their authority or higher position in a hierarchy to take advantage of, coerce or harm other people. And it can lead to different types of abuse, such as psychological, physical, financial and sexual abuse.

Sexual coercion is using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sex. People can knowingly coerce others into sex, such as learning manipulative pick-up artist strategies, or unknowingly, such as assuming the other person is OK when they're not.

Grooming is a tactic where someone methodically builds a trusting relationship with a child or young adult, their family, and community to manipulate, coerce, or force the child or young adult to engage in sexual activities.

More information about grooming:

Because they were groomed, children and teens who were abused often feel that they were in some way responsible for the abuse. This is especially true for teens who feel that they went into the situation willingly and thus in some way it was their fault. This shame and guilt then prevents them from reporting, as they fear that no one will believe them. In fact, many teens who have been groomed are confused as to whether what happened to them actually constituted abuse as it didn’t follow the stereotypical pattern of a violent rape. In many cases this confusion can prevent or delay reporting for many years.

Non was groomed and then sexually assaulted regardless whether it seemed like he consented. Let me say it louder for the people in the back! 

Kru Keng sexually assaulted Non! He did not ”cheat” on Phee. Did he lie to Phee yes, but he did not cheat in the stereotypically what we as a society view cheating. 

the signs or steps of grooming with examples from the episode: 

Make you feel like you owe them. Because you are in a relationship, because you’ve had sex  before or because they give/spend money on you or because you go home with them they are owed for these behaviors.

We see Keng offer Non a ride home and he then offers him money to get out of his situation. We don’t see him doing these things with other students.

Victim Selection: abusers often observe possible victims and select them based on ease of access to them or their perceived vulnerability. 

Keng clocks that Non is vulnerable the first time he is in the study class and even looks back at him after scolding Top and asking Non for his name. We see this through the several times he brings up how Non is having friend problems or how he doesn't want to work with Tee, and Non unfortunately mentions how just knowing someone cares makes him feel better which makes Keng even more aware of how alone Non seems to be. 

Gaining access and isolating the victim: abusers will attempt to physically or emotionally separate a victim from those protecting them and often seek out positions in which they have contact with minors. 

Keng has perfect access as a math tutor/teacher to have contact with minors.  Also he always has Non come to his office or meet him alone despite the fact that his office is in a seemingly more isolated place than the classrooms.

Trust development and keeping secrets: abusers attempt to gain trust of victims through gifts, sharing secrets, etc.

Keng not only praises Non as a student but also then tells him things like I want to help you anyway I can, I noticed that you are sad, I can give you money to help you because I view you like a brother, I now know your secret regarding Tee and the money so I am someone you can trust.

Desensitization to touch : abusers will often start to touch a victim in ways that appear harmless and later escalate to increasingly more sexual contact. 

Keng touches Non’s shoulder seemingly to comfort him, the next time he is holding his hand, then he is holding his hand on his knee and rubbing the back of his hand. All these on their own could be innocent and seem like comfort or being friendly. Until Keng kisses Non crossing that line and leading directly to assaulting him. 

Attempt by abusers to make their behavior seem natural: to avoid raising suspicions. For teens who may be particularly close in age to the abuser it can be hard to recognize grooming tactics. 

I feel for Non because we see how he is not happy and is actually crying when he hugs Phee the first time when Keng kisses him and then we see him come down to meet Phee. Also Non is trapped in a situation where he is being manipulated and being taken advantage of and sees little to no way out of this financial mess with the money laundering. We, as an audience, saw the fight with his family after where his mother says she is embarrassed because of him and says to Non’s father that if he weren’t a loser then Non wouldn’t be one too. Non very much is receiving a message whether she meant it or not because emotions were high is irrelevant. Non is receiving the message that he is a burden and an embarrassment. Non is aware of his family's financial situation as well. We see him say it to Phee several times about how he wants to solve his own problems and he does not want to burden people. I do not think Non lied to Phee because he wanted to, I think he did it because not only would it put another thing on Phee’s shoulders after he already went to his dad once for Non but also puts Non in a vulnerable position. I personally was asked many times by people oh are you okay? Are you sure everything is good because you look upset? And everytime I lied because I didn't want to be a burden but I also never wanted to look at myself as a victim or admit that I was a victim because that bit of fragile control on my life was one of the only things I could control. And as an adult I have had the chance to talk to some people I knew at the time and they all told me they knew I was lying about being okay or even though I cried and then would say I was fine, I wasn’t. But they all felt like if they pushed me to talk I would never tell them and my one friend said point blank at least I could make you forget about it for a while even if I didn’t really know what you wanted a distraction from. I 100% feel this is exactly what is Non’s perspective. He cannot control how Por, Tee, Top, Fluke and even Jin treat him. He cannot control how his parents view him. He cannot control Phee or Phee’s decisions to love or help him. He cannot control Keng. He cannot take back getting involved with Tee and the money laundering or the consequences of that. What Non can control is how he feels or what he takes control of. Non can control whether he views himself as a victim. He can also control whether he finishes the movie that he wrote the script for. The movie and script are something he did, they come from him and are something at the end of the day regardless of anyone else he Non can be proud of. I think while we may not view his staying with the group healthy and it's not, or his lying to Phee about things that are happening good cause it’s not; it makes sense to Non. Because again he is a teenager who is vulnerable and easily exploitable and has very little control and teenagers whose brains are not fully developed are making not only decisions they think are best or worst at the time but also making decisions based on what they know at that moment.  Seeing people who are watching this show and who are hating on Non or do not understand what happened between Non and Keng infuriate me. Should we all feel bad for Phee? Yes. He wants to be there for Non, he loves him and wants to care , on top of knowing that Non is being bullied and seeing what Keng did has to be heartbreaking and frustrating. Also without context to their conversations Phee as a fellow teenager may not be aware or understand fully what Keng did to Non is not on Non. 

You can feel bad for Phee without victim blaming Non.

Non made poor choices regarding his trust with Phee or his ability to trust Phee but none of those things mean that he deserved what happened or that because it seems like he consented that it is all just fine and he cheated on Phee and had sex with Keng. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!! 

#dead friend forever #dff the series #barcode tinnasit #be on cloud #copper phuriwat #dff spoilers #fuaiz thanawat #jj chalach #jjay patiphan #mio athens #bl series #ta nannakun #bump pawat #jet jetsadakorn #us nititorn #pheenon #dead friend forever the series #dff

[solbach-colbrock]

SEPARATED - Seth Borden X Reader

SUMMARY - During a solo investigation, Seth comes into contact with a spirit that wants to harm you while you are three floors away from him. He needs to check on you

WARNINGS - very briefly proofread (yes that is a warning)

WORDS - 2.1k

~*~*~*~

Seth was getting more comfortable with the alone investigations. They still freaked him out a bit, owing to the fact that those investigations tend to leave people feeling incredibly vulnerable. Safety in numbers, and all. He also still had trauma from being grabbed twice in the Conjuring basement. Frankly, one of the things that kept him calm was your attitude about the investigations. 

You had ways been a go-getter when dealing with the paranormal. Of course, you always took proper precautions both before and after you had been at any location any of the boys took you to. You were very good at swallowing your fears for the sake of the investigations and have (on more than three occasions) run directly towards some sort of perceived danger in an attempt to catch something on camera. You were seemingly fearless, something that Seth admired about you. He was trying to be more like you, though his anxiety got the better of him sometimes.

The hospital that Josh had brought you to had seven floors. This was the second night of the investigation. The night prior, the three of you had done a walk through and attempted an EVP session on each floor. Some floors didn’t seem to be active at all, while others felt they had something much more sinister lurking around. 

“Okay, what do you guys want to bring? I’m taking the DR60 to the children’s floor. We got a lot of EVP there yesterday,” Josh said, taking the device from its box. Seth pulled the spirit box from the bag, and you followed by retrieving the Alice box. 

“First floor seemed the most calm last night so I’m staying here. I’m not dealing with any demonic shit tonight,” Seth said. You rolled your eyes at him, turning on your camera.

“God, you’re such a baby. I’m taking fourth floor. Hopefully I can actually catch that door slam this time,” you declared. Seth looked at you with wide eyes.

“You’re insane. I don’t understand how you haven’t had an attachment yet.”

“I always get sick evidence. You can judge when you capture a shadow figure as clear as I did a few months ago.”

“They got a point,” Josh cut in, throwing his bag over his shoulder. “Everyone ready?”

~*~*~*~

The fourth floor was designated for the psych ward, back when the hospital was operational. The guides that you had taken the tour with yesterday said that the energies on this floor were more demonic, given how violent they typically were. You wanted to test a theory about that tonight. Something told you that the energies were just the violent patients. They were treated horribly when they were held in this hospital. A fair amount of hostility was to be expected. 

“Okay guys, so I’m on the fourth floor, which was the psych ward, and I’m completely alone tonight. I have the… Alice box with me. I really want to figure out if its truly demonic, or if it's just violent spirits. Frankly, I just think it’s the patients because it didn’t feel very demonic to me. Now where do we want to go first…”

There were a few spots that felt the most active to you, including the reception area and the singular children’s room, where the guides said they had watched a ball roll on its own only a few days ago. The most unnerving was the isolation room, where they would lock up the most violent patients for up to three weeks at a time. There were multiple recorded suicides in that room alone, which earned it the name of the ‘suicide room’. It was the room that the door had slammed closed on the previous night. If you were going to get any activity, it would most likely be there. The Alice box beeped in your hand as soon as you touched the door.

“Hunger.”

“Hunger… there were rumors that the staff would borderline starve the patients as some fucked up punishment when they were annoyed with them. Did the nurses not feed you while you were locked in here?” You placed the camera on the edge of the bed and crouched in front of it, keeping the device on the floor in front of you.

Beep. “Rare.”

“They rarely fed them. God, that’s so fucked. I’m so sorry that you were treated like that. You didn’t deserve it. I heard that there were patients that killed themselves in here. Is that true. Did you commit suicide in this room?”

Beep. “Stop.”

Beep. “Rude.”

“Was that rude to ask? I apologize, I just want to know your story. People should know how badly these nurses treated you. You deserved better.”

Beep. “Get out.”

Beep. “Room.”

Beep. “Mine.”

“Guys, I don’t think I’m very welcome here. Can you at least tell me your name before I leave? I’d like to know who I’m talking to.”

Beep. “Fuck off.”

~*~*~*~

“Alright guys, so I am on the first floor, which was where they had the emergency rooms and ICU, and they also did a lot of like, the lab work down here. Now, according to the guides, these two rooms right here are where they would keep the bodies of the recently deceased until either they were identified by a family member, or they would just stay here until the morgue had the space for them.”

A chair was sat in the corner of the room, the only piece of furniture in the space aside from the shelves drilled into the far wall, where Seth placed the camera. He sat in the chair, turned on the spirit box, and started his session. Static filled the empty room, echoing off the walls.

“To any spirits that reside in this room, the next room, or even any of the spirits on the entire first floor, if you would like to communicate, please feel free to come into this room and talk to me. I’d love to hear your story.”

“Hi, Seth.”

“Hello. Are yo-“

“Help.”

“Do you need help. Are you a patient here? If you were, can you say-“

“Yes I am.”

“ ‘Yes I am’. Do you need me to get you a nurse?”

“I’m dying. Seth.”

“I swear it just said-“

“Danger. Y/N.”

~*~*~*~

Beep. “Demon.”

“Well that’s comforting. Okay, you obviously don’t want to really communicate with me, so I’m leaving. Is there anything else you’d like to say to me before I leave? This is your last chance to… get a message out….” A wave of dizziness hit you halfway through your last sentence, leaving you to place a hand on the floor to stabilize yourself. “Shit, I’m lightheaded. I’m gonna have to take a second. This isn’t a good sign.”

Beep. “Die.” A loud slam echoed through the room as the door swung shut next to you. Your head snapped up to check the viewfinder, smiling to yourself as you realized that was most likely caught on the camera. The dizziness doubled as your vision started to go white, leaving you completely doubled over on the floor.

“Oh, motherfucker. Leave me alone. Get away from me right now. You do not get to affect me like this. If you want me to leave, then let me!”

~*~*~*~

“I don’t fucking like that at all. Are you saying that Y/N is in danger? Is there something that is going to harm them if they explore the psych ward alone?”

“He’s angry. Run away!”

“Who is angry? Tell me what’s gonna happen to Y/N.” Seth’s leg started shaking now, and his free hand pressed itself against his mouth as the anxiety crept in. He already didn’t like the alone investigations very much, but to hear what sounded like something threatening you made him all the more scared about it.

“Suicide. Help.”

“Will they be in danger if they go in the suicide room?”

“Too late. They’re dead!”

“Okay, fuck no. I’m going up there. That floor scares the fuck out of me but if something’s threatening them, I’m not letting them stay up there alone.”

“Y/N.”

“Nope, nope. I’m turning this off. We’re going upstairs, now. Y/N! Y/N!!”

~*~*~*~

Your ears had started ringing. You had turned the Alice box off to cut off communication with whatever was targeting you. You had tried the door, but due to the original purpose of the room, it could only be opened from the outside once fully closed. You had also tried to call either Seth or Josh to come get you out, but inexplicably, your phone had died. You had entered the room with 73% battery, and now it wouldn’t even turn on. The room was also soundproofed on the inside, and the boys were each three floors away from you, so shouting wouldn’t help. You were trapped until they realized you were missing, and you had all agreed to spend an hour apart.

“You have no real power over me. I am stronger than you. If you want me to leave, you have to leave me alone. I can’t walk out of this room if you keep making me… this dizzy… Christ, I’ve never had a room spin this fucking much in my life.”

Beep. “Scream.”

“What the fuck? I turned that o-… I think I just heard footsteps outside, holy shit.” You pressed the heels of your hands to your eyes in an attempt to stop the spinning. You turned the Alice box off once more.

“Y/N! Y/N/N, where are you?”

“Oh thank fucking god, it’s Seth. I can hear him, but I don’t think he’s gonna hear me. I can try…” You shuffled over the door, relying on touch to find your way. You pounded your fist on the door, wincing at the volume. The footsteps grew closer, as did his voice. 

The door flew open, and instantly, your head cleared up. You breathed a sigh of relief as Seth’s terrified expression came into view. The smile that spread across your face did a good job of confusing him. Your hand made its way to his cheek. You were incredibly thankful to see him. He put down the camera to give you a once-over, making sure you weren’t physically harmed.

“God, I’ve missed your stupid face. Get me the fuck out of here.”

~*~*~*~

“You will not believe what I-… what happened?” Josh became concerned as soon as he saw you and Seth huddled next to each other on the lobby couch. Seth was still very shaken by what happened, while you were just relieved to be back to safety. He tucked the DR60 in his pocket and walked over to you, camera still rolling.

“I may stick with a buddy for the next few investigations,” you laughed softly, resting your head on Seth’s shoulder. 

“They got locked in the fucking suicide room and almost passed out,” Seth explained. His hand made soft passes over your back. You were incredibly worn out from the whole experience, and it took a lot of effort to keep your yees open for very long.

“Holy shit. That’s terrifying.”

“Something was warning me about it on the spirit box, dude. I ran up there as soon as they started saying they were in danger. They would’ve been trapped in there for almost an hour if I hadn’t run up there.”

“See, because I thought I heard the door slam from upstairs but it sounded like it could’ve been on my floor so I didn’t know. Oh my god, that’s crazy.”

After Josh told you about the sheets moving and EVP of children crying he got on the top floor, the three of you decided that you had enough footage for the night and quickly filmed the outro outside the front doors of the hospital. As you packed everything into the car, Seth wrapped his arms around you.

“Good god, Borden. I’m fine. I feel like that freaked you out more than me,” you teased, turning around to return the affection.

“It said you were gonna fucking die! It scared me!”

“Well, too bad for you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“I’d never want to get rid of you. I kind of like having you around. Don’t know if you’ve noticed.” You laughed at his words, pulling away to finish packing up. 

“In that case, we’re sharing a bed tonight because I’m sure you don’t want to sleep alone tonight and Josh snores like a motherfucker,” Seth said. You both laughed as you heard Josh’s protests from the driver’s seat.

“Aww, Seth. You know, if you wanted to cuddle, you could’ve just asked.”

“Shut the fuck-“

#seth borden x reader #seth borden #seth Borden imagine #Seth Borden fic

[strayheartless]

I’m thinking of liverpepper… and it’s making me sad.

So here, have a AU brain dump over cloud and his Geostigma:

I know we’ve seen Mako drawn as tablets, but I kind of imagine Clouds Mako days as being either injections like steroids or him having to go to the hospital for specific mako treatment, like chemotherapy.

Cloud was off school a lot. As a result he had to work twice as hard as everyone else just to keep up and graduate. His friends always brought him his homework, but there were some teachers (you know the ones) who made him feel guilty about how often he got laid up.

Like it got bad enough that now Cloud kind of has a complex about it as an adult, and Leon has to keep reminding him that he’s not weak for letting his body heal.

We know (from sora) that Mako used to affect his memory, make him pretty much a zombie. But I imagine that it’s worse straight after treatment. Like he’ll be in bed for two or three days but then for the next week -maybe two if it’s bad- Cloud kind of used to walk around in a haze. Squall, Zack, Tifa and Aerith used to tag team on who would guide him from lesson to lesson.

Squall used to act as a bit of a body guard with Zack. If anyone dared gossip about Cloud or try to make his day more difficult while he was vulnerable, they’d end up having the terrible twosome descend on then. Turns out there a lot of ways you can threaten someone without getting caught.

Cloud didn’t stop taking Mako until age 18. And he absolutely has been hospitalised by it.

He’s had Mako poisoning twice, and each time people truly thought he would die.

He was part of a clinical trial for materia to begin with, and it meant he had to forgo Mako treatments for 4 months (to get it out of his system) before they could start him on Materia.

Those four months were probably the most fraught and painful of his life. He spent most of it asleep and in agony, while Squall refused to leave him ‘just incase’. The entire friend group rallied to try and make it easier.

The first month on Materia was also not fun. Lot of knew side effects while his body got used to it. Some got easier, some he still has. He doesn’t suffer from tinnitus or depth perception issues anymore, but he still has periodic bouts of insomnia. He also deals with almost chronic heart burn.

Materia doesn’t effect his memory like the Mako, but it doesn’t help either. The Mako did a serious number on his brain tissue, and while doctors are sure his brain will recover, it seems to be a long arduous process.

Sometimes Cloud requires a mobility aid. Sometimes a cane, sometimes crutches, sometimes -if it’s bad- he needs a wheelchair to get round a supermarket or mall. It depends on the day, the spoons and the sores.

The first thing Cloud demanded be done when they adopted Sora and Roxas, was that they get them checked for the Geostigma Gene. He knows they are not - biologically speaking -able to get it from him, but Leon agrees just to settle Clouds anxieties about it.

Nowerdays his Geostigma is the most manageable it’s ever been, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Lockdown was scary In their house. It’s no exaggeration to say Squall whipped down every surface, sanitised every piece of food packaging, made sure anybody with even a sniffle quarantined as soon as it happened. And Cloud -for all his griping that it was fine appreciated it.

after lockdown rules started easing Sora and Roxas started feeling super anxious about going out incase the brought something back. Because it wasn’t a joke to them.

Cloud himself dealt with a sudden surge of powerful anxiety even going out the front door.

Squall got him one of those sunflower lanyards, that lets people know you are immunocompromised, and it helps a little, but they all felt different about going outside.

These are just a few thinly thoughts.

#liverpepper #kingdom hearts #cloud strife #squall leonhart #strifehart #liverpepper au #thinking thoughts #Geostigma #chronic illness #cloud has Geostigma #liverpepper family #KH sora #KH roxas #ffvii #ffviii

[tingerines]

Pairing: Azul x GN!Reader Genre: Fluff A/N: The reader in this is not Yuu. I went way too ham at 2 A.M. and ended up writing 11.6k words, so enjoy my descend into fluffy madness lmao.

Everyday life as a librarian is as mundane as you can get within the walls of Night Raven College. With the exceptions of the occasional ruckus caused by groups of college students — mainly Floyd — or Crowley coming to offer yet another deal that you can’t seem to refuse, the library serves as a quiet haven for those who can’t find it elsewhere; you included.

At first you weren’t sure what you wanted to do here, or what you could do here. You’d spent the last couple of months just cramming as much History of Magic knowledge as you could into your brain, simply trying to make sense of the new world that you were in, without giving much thought to how you could fit in if you weren’t going home anytime soon. So, it comes to no surprise that once that was done and over with, you found yourself with way too much free time on your hands.

It’s when you’re in the midst of a particularly rowdy lunch, that your friend Epel mentions a new job opening at the library on-campus. He’d insisted that you apply, explaining that the library was in desperate need of someone that has competent knowledge of literature and you were perfect for the job.

You were hesitant at first, mostly because you were shy and quiet — especially in public settings — and that’s why you gave up trying to befriend more people here. But Epel reasoned it wouldn’t be too bad, or busy, at all because he would be helping you out. Plus, Vil told him that the practice would help him get used to speaking “properly”. So, you applied for the position.

Now you’ve found yourself working at the library for a little over half a year already, and Epel was right: working at the library wasn’t all that difficult. While he offers to deal with inquiring students all day — just to save you the anxiety of having to do so yourself — you’re left to acquire, classify, and catalog materials away from their prying eyes.

Today’s arrangement is no different.

You’ve just finished cataloging this week’s new batch of books, and after carefully stacking them onto your handy-dandy book cart, you head over to the elevator to the second floor. The doors slide apart with a quiet ding! to announce your arrival before you push the book cart to the first set of bookshelves labeled “Fiction: 001 - 200.09”, all the while nodding your head and mumbling polite greetings to the people you pass by.

Your hands busy themselves by putting the books into their respective spots, first alphabetically then by call numbers. You’re halfway through your stacks when someone gently taps on your shoulder, causing you to jump in surprise before you turn around to see Epel standing there.

“Uh… yes?” you ask, clearing your throat as you straighten up and fiddle with the hem of your sweater.

“Could you work the front today? I’m exhausted,” Epel runs a hand through his hair as he sighs in exasperation.

You squint your eyes at him and try to figure out if he’s simply trying to trick you into socializing, but the way his eyebrows are furrowed and his jaw is clenched tells you otherwise. Rather reluctantly, you nod in agreement to his request, “I guess so. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t expect working at a library to be the same experience as working retail. Like, excuse me, we sent you the notification that your books were overdue. Don’t yell at me because you didn’t pay attention and now you have to pay the fees, sir,” Epel slams his hand down the top of a book as he emphasizes the last word, the loud sound making you jump.

Epel begins to shove books into the empty slots of the bookshelf, not truly caring if they belong there or not. You can’t help but wince as you watch him do so, the feeling you’re experiencing is like watching someone try to drink soup broth with a fork: it’s just not right.

“Okay, Epel, I’m heading to the front then.”

At this point, the man doesn’t even hear you anymore; too busy in his own thoughts cursing at the disrespect he’s been shown and taking out his frustrations on the bundle of papers in his hands. You turn on your heels before you can change your mind and tell Epel to get the heck away from your precious books and make your way back down to the checkout counter on the first floor.

It’s quiet for a Friday afternoon. Usually you’d expect a small crowd of students to trudge in, their backpacks heavy with textbooks and eye bags as dark as a cloudy sky. Sometimes you miss the days when you used to be like that too; even though it was difficult you made a lot of fond memories that made it all bearable.

You situate yourself on the worn-out leather office chair Epel usually occupies, the backrest creaking a bit too loudly for your liking when you lean against it.

Maybe you can strike up a deal with Crowley to get a new one later. No, scratch that idea — you never know what that man wants in return.

The computer in front of you is just starting to boot up when the entrance of the library swings open, causing your gaze to shift out of curiosity.

Your eyes land on the figure of an attractive young man dressed in the classic NRC school uniform, the purple ribbon secured to his left arm showcasing that he’s a part of the Octavinelle dorm. You can’t shake the feeling that you know this man from somewhere, but you also can’t quite put your finger on where.

Feeling eyes on him, the man turns his head towards you and gives you a polite smile when you make eye contact. You can feel your cheeks heating up in embarrassment from being caught staring, and you avert your eyes almost immediately — opting to stare at the brightly lit computer screen instead.

“Excuse me,” the man calls out, and you think to yourself that his soft-spoken voice matches his angelic appearance very well.

“Yes?” you answer after a few moments of silence, reluctantly glancing up.

As the man approaches the checkout counter, you can’t help but to stare at him with slightly widened eyes and a thin-lipped smile. It must look like you’re in pain to him — in this case, your pain is just downright embarrassment — but you were always one to have your emotions and thoughts written all over your face, so you couldn’t hide it even if you’d wanted to.

“Is Epel out today?” the man asks as he rests his hands on the counter and his eyes scan the space behind you.

“‘Epel’?” you echo your friend’s name, your expression quickly changing into one of confusion. “No, he's here… why?”

“Oh, no reason. He’s just usually the one to be sitting here so I was just wondering,” the man chuckles while shaking his head, a finger pressed to the bridge of his glasses to keep them from moving.

“Okay…” your voice trails off as you weren’t sure what to say next.

Is it usual for Epel to make small talk with everyone? You have to commend him for being able to do that every day with who knows how many people when you can barely think of what to say to this one person. He must have sensed how uncomfortable you feel, because the man takes a step backwards towards the staircase with his thumb pointing over his shoulder.

“I'm guessing he’s upstairs, so I’ll go there,” he announces before giving you another smile, this one more unsettling than the last. “I’ll see you later. Have a great evening.”

You wave goodbye to the man and give him a small, less awkward smile back, watching as he turns and speed walks up the stairs as if someone is chasing him. The smile doesn’t leave your face even after he’s disappeared from your view.

“Of course he would see me later. He has to pass by the checkout counter to leave the library anyways,” you think as you focus your attention back to the computer screen.

On display is a website with the daily list of upcoming school events a.k.a. your number one resource of finding which areas of the school you should avoid like the plague. Your eyes spot a familiar name: Mostro Lounge, and you can’t help but roll your eyes.

“Is there ever a time this place isn’t up to no good?” you wonder aloud to yourself as you click on the direct link provided to learn more about the newest event.

If you’re being completely honest, there’s no real reason you feel so negatively towards the Octavinelle restaurant. You’d merely heard rumors from Ace and Deuce when they practically bet their livelihoods to the housewarden for good exam scores, and you decided to avoid the place on the off chance that you get suckered into another bad deal.

You stare at the screen for a few seconds once the browser finally refreshes before rubbing your eyes with your knuckles.

“No way,” you lean closer to the screen while eyeing it in disbelief.

According to the webpage, the Mostro Lounge is holding a promotion for the next week and a percentage of the profits will be donated to the library. You scroll further down to see if there was any other information provided, stopping when a particular headshot catches your eye.

“No way!” you repeat louder this time, your mouth hanging open from the shock that hits you.

“‘No way’ what? Are you okay?” a familiar voice asks, causing your head to snap up.

You can only shake your head wordlessly as Epel approaches the checkout counter, empty book cart in hand. He pauses, an eyebrow raised as he questions you impatiently, “well, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“T— this… Epel, you—” you manage to stammer out incoherent words as you look back and forth between the screen and your friend, a finger pointed accusingly at him. “Have you made a deal with the Octavinelle housewarden?”

“Who, Azul?” Epel’s face is full of confusion when you mention the man’s name. “Why do you ask?”

You shoot up from your seat and turn the computer screen around, and Epel leans forward to look at whatever it is you keep aggressively tapping at. It’s only then that it crosses his mind that he hadn’t told you about the deal Crowley and Azul had made.

“Oh, right. So, uh… about that,” Epel starts off slowly, a hand rubbing the back of his neck while he tries to keep the guilt from showing on his face. Just like you, Epel has a hard time masking the emotion on his face. “Azul has apparently been complaining that there’s a lack of useful books here during one of the Housewarden Meetings; so the Headmage agreed to allow him to choose our next couple batches as long as he pitches in.”

“What in the Sevens is a ‘useful book’ in his standards?” your eyebrows furrow in frustration, side-eyeing the endless shelves of books you spend every day organizing.

“Books that will help him fulfill his end of his contracts, of course. Probably for potions like the one that he makes for Vil’s skincare,” Epel speaks matter-of-factly before he turns back to the book cart, humming a show tune while strolling away to the storage room behind you.

Leave it to Epel to be so nonchalant about anything and everything.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath to calm your heart that you didn’t realize was racing from adrenaline, your body slowly sinking back down onto the office chair with a short creak.

Meanwhile Azul is on the second floor, leaning against the wooden railing as he observes you curiously. Of course Azul is aware of the reputation he’s built around himself: a man capable of granting any wish, though the price is steep. One should be wary when agreeing to enter a contract with him. With such a reputation, he would have expected you to know who he was as soon as he walked in, but apparently you never knew what he looked like in the first place.

Secretly, he likes that fact: there’s someone who exists who doesn’t merely seek him out for their own needs. Not that you were seeking him out in the first place, which also stings.

Azul, please make up your mind.

Azul smiles to himself as he pushes his body away from the railing, turning to eye the multiple bookshelves around him as an idea comes to mind. Since it didn’t seem that you like to converse with strangers, he’ll have to find another way to befriend you.

And so, half an hour later, he finds himself standing at the checkout counter, a satisfied smile on his face as he glances down at the stack of books in his arms.

“Are you ready to check out?” you ask, a polite tone to your voice, as you look up from the computer.

Your smile falters for just a second when you see Azul standing in front of you, the sight of the Octavinelle symbol filling you with a sense of dread. 

Be nice, y/n, it’s not like it’s his fault you’re going to be working overtime for the next foreseeable future.

You clear your throat before shifting the chair around, your hands stretched out to take the books from Azul. He merely shakes his head and carefully sets the pile down on the counter before leaning side to side to make sure none of the books have shifted.

“Have a good day, y/n. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he lightly taps the top of the book pile with his fingertips, drawing your attention away from him and to the books before he steps out of the library.

You furrow your eyebrows, your lips curved into a frown as you ponder whether or not you’ve told him your name yet. You decide that you must have, it’s just that your memory’s getting worse as you get older. A sigh escapes your lips at the thought, your still outstretched hands pulling the books Azul left behind towards you so you could put them back where they belong.

“He’s definitely not checking these back in; he wasn’t even carrying any books when he came in earlier. But then why would he bring them here if he wasn’t planning on borrowing them?” you think and eye the books curiously, your chin sandwiched between your fingers.

Hello, Sunshine by [redacted] It’s a Beautiful Day by [redacted] Introduction by [redacted] Humans by [redacted] Peach by [redacted] How to Make Friends for Dummies by [redacted]

You furrow your eyebrows while thinking to yourself that Azul has — well, not strange — but definitely an interestingly wide taste in book genres. But the thought quickly goes away when you give the books a second glance, now wondering if the stranger was trying to give you a secret message through… book spines?

“Hey, Epel!” you call out, not moving your gaze away from the books as if they might disappear if you look away.

“What?!” Epel’s muffled voice answers from the storage room.

“Could you come here for a sec?”

You hear the click of a door opening behind you followed by the shuffling of feet as Epel makes his way over to you. You gather the books into your arms before turning in the chair to face Epel.

“Look, look. What’s this?” you nudge the pile towards Epel.

“Uh… books?” Epel crosses his arms before looking down at the items in your arms with an unimpressed look. “Is this some kind of trick question?”

You roll your eyes at his sassy tone and nudge the books even closer, “no, Epel. Someone left these here. Look at the titles.”

“Huh,” Epel huffs, eyes carefully scanning the titles as he's told to. “What about them?”

“I’m not sure. Is this supposed to be a message or what?” you can’t help the impatient tone that creeps into your voice as you drop the books onto your lap.

Epel gently bites his thumb as he ponders it for a bit. Some of the students here did have some unconventional ways of communicating sometimes. That was apparent from the way Rook asked Epel for help with an Alchemy project last month: by sliding a heart-shaped sticky note under his dorm room door at 4 A.M..

“Yeah, it could be,” Epel finally answers you with a shrug. “Why don’t you try giving them a response? The worst-case scenario is you got it wrong.”

And with that suggestion, Epel leaves you alone again; but not before giving you a, what you assume is supposed to be reassuring, pat on the shoulder.

“Maybe I should,” you think as you glance down at the stacks of books once more, a shy smile creeping onto your face.

❥

The next morning, you enter the library with a feeling of anticipation that you haven’t felt in a long time. You spent a good chunk of last night thinking of how to properly respond to Azul’s message: should you use book spines like he did? Or perhaps try a blackout poem?

You decided on the latter but didn’t have the heart to color inside a book or rip out a page. As a compromise, you wrote out a page of Azul’s first book on a separate piece of paper instead. And that paper is currently tucked into the back pocket of your pants, awaiting the right moment for you to pass it along to its intended receiver.

“Good morning, Epel,” you sing-song, almost skipping around the counter to give the man a hug.

“Morn— ah!” Epel yelps when he suddenly finds himself engulfed in your arms and he raises a hand hesitantly to pat your back, “nice to see you too? Someone’s happy this morning.”

“I am, I’m sorry,” you giggle, unwrapping your arms around the man before taking a step back, “can you do me a favor?”

“Depends on what,” Epel hums, his eyes narrowing because he should have known you weren’t being so nice for no reason. He watches as you shove your hands into your back pocket and pull out a piece of light pink paper folded into an origami peach fruit. His eyes cross when you hold it up a bit too close to his face. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Could you please give this to the stranger from last night?” you ask quietly while giving your friend your best puppy dog eyes.

He blinks, his gaze shifting between your face and the paper peach in front of him. He purses his lips before reluctantly nodding and snatching the paper out of your hands, “Okay… but I don’t even know who I’m looking for, so why can’t you do it yourself?”

“You know why,” your lips jut out into a pout while Epel shakes his head into his hands. “I can’t be there to look him in the eyes if I was actually wrong!”

“You’re actually hopeless, y/n. Maybe you should be meeting with Vil to work on your confidence.”

“I’ll hard pass on that one.”

“So, what’s he look like?”

“Fair-skinned. Beauty mark on the left side of his chin. Short, wavy grey hair. Oh, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure he’s in Octavinelle.”

Epel peeks up at you from between his fingers, glad that his hands are hiding the shocked look on his face. Surely there’s no way that you’re actually describing Azul Ashengrotto without realizing it.

Speaking of the devil, the entrance to the library swings open and the aforementioned man comes striding in with a certain loud eel following closely behind.

Your body automatically straightens as you shoot daggers at the tall man, “Floyd, please try not to cause a disturbance today — and please leave Riddle alone.”

“Oh? I’m afraid you have the wrong brother,” the man chuckles, fist coming up to his lips as he shoots you a polite smile. “See the way this part of my hair curves to look like a ‘J’? That’s the easiest way to make out that I’m Jade.”

“Oh, Sevens. I’m so sorry,” your face begins to heat up in embarrassment once you take a closer look at the man. “I see you two so often, I can’t believe I’m still making that mistake.”

“No worries at all, it’s a common mistake. Housewarden Riddle will be safe to study in peace today.”

“Wonderful, then our heads are safe for today,” you place your hand on your chest and breathe a sigh of relief.

You then glance at the familiar man standing next to Jade with his hands nervously clenched together in front of him. You flash him a warm smile and a quick “good morning” before excusing yourself to the storage room.

No one within a five-feet radius could miss the way you waved aggressively at Epel as you walked away.

“Right,” Epel drawls once he hears the sound of a door click. He holds out the peach origami unceremoniously, his face screaming boredom when no one moves. “I believe this is for you.”

“My, my, you have great craftsmanship, Epel,” Jade smiles again, leaning in to study the pink paper in the other’s hand.

“I didn’t make it, y/n did. And it’s not for you,” Epel rolls his eyes, shifting his hands towards Azul’s direction.

Azul’s expression is a mixture of surprise and embarrassment. First, surprise from you understanding the message he had conveyed from the books last night. He admittedly had never done something like that before, and didn’t have enough time to go scavenger hunting for the right books.

Second, embarrassment from having been discovered in front of one of the twins. There’s no way this isn’t going to reach Floyd’s ears and he’ll have to mentally prepare himself for a royal tease storm later.

Azul clears his throat and ignores the way Jade’s eyes follow him curiously when he takes a few steps forward to grab the paper from Epel, “thank you for this.”

“I must have missed a couple chapters here,” Jade comments in amusement. “Would you care to share?”

“Absolutely not, Jade.”

❥

It’s not until Azul is in the safety from prying eyes of the V.I.P. room that Azul finally decides to read what you’ve given him.

He picks up the paper peach delicately like it is his mother’s fine china, turning it over and over between his fingers to study your origami work.

It’s a shame I have to ruin this, Azul thinks to himself as he gingerly unfolds your note. He stares at the long thick lines of black drawn on the page, mentally reading the words that were purposely made legible.

[illegible] It’s nice to meet you, [illegible] You have [illegible] a beautiful smile [illegible] I like [illegible] your [illegible] books.

A few more lines of black.

I’m sorry [illegible] It’s a bit awkward, but [illegible] See you soon.

Azul rests his cheek on the palm of his hand, an amused smile appearing on his face as he re-reads your note.

“They’re certainly creative,” he mutters to himself as he follows the creases of the paper to re-fold your origami peach, ideas already popping into his mind as a feeling of anticipation similar to yours bubbles up inside of him.

Thus, begins your unique form of communication with the housewarden.

On the night the promotion is to begin at Mostro Lounge, Azul drops yet another pile of books for you at the checkout counter. His lips are curved up to a rare timid smile as Epel stares at him from his seat, “I assume these aren’t for yourself.”

“Um… no,” Azul rubs the back of his neck, suddenly feeling a bit awkward.

“I’ll make sure y/n gets this,” Epel can’t help but laugh at the expression on Azul’s face as he slides the books closer to himself. “Why do you look like that? I’m not judging you.”

“I know you aren’t!” Azul quickly retorts, his voice rising slightly in defense. “It’s just… I feel a little weird. We’ve never spoken more than a handful of words to each other, but now I'm getting excited to talk to them like this…”

Epel waves his hand in the air dismissively, “trust me: even I’m surprised at how things are unfolding between the two of you.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t told them who I am yet.”

“I’m not doing it for you. I’m just glad y/n’s finally opening up and making new friends,” Epel says plainly before sticking his tongue out at the older man. “No matter how suspicious the new friend could be.”

Before Azul could question him further, Jade appears by his side, whispering into his ear that they will need to return to the lounge soon. Azul reluctantly excuses himself and follows his vice-housewarden back to the Hall of Mirror.

It’s the busiest that you’ve ever seen the library, watching from the safety of the opened door to the storage room as an endless circulation of people come in and out the door. In the crowd, you catch a momentary glimpse of Azul’s warm smile just before he left. The mere sight of it causes butterflies to flutter in your stomach and you tiptoe over to the counter where Epel is situated hoping to catch another glimpse of it.

You immediately hear a soft shuffling sound coming from beneath you and it causes you to look down. There lies yet another stack of books, and you give Epel a questioning glance though his eyes remain glued to the scene in front of him. Did he expect you to put these back? Right now?

When you bend down to grab the books, you almost want to facepalm yourself for being such an idiot. Because there laid yet another message from Azul; this one shorter than the last.

The Sun Says Hello by [redacted] Thank You by [redacted] You Are Beautiful by [redacted] Look Below by [redacted]

Look below? you think before following the instructions and literally looking down, but only seeing your feet. Of course, that’s not it. What about…?

You lift the pile of books off the table, a grin appearing on your face when you see a folded piece of paper where the books once were. You glance over to where you last saw Azul and can’t help but wonder if this is how the characters in romance novels felt; the nervousness of passing each other a new secret message, the anxiety of wondering if they’ve said the right thing, the excitement of awaiting a response, and the exhilaration of the whole process.

You gently pat your warming cheeks with your hands and snap yourself out of your brief thoughts. With a shake of your head, you take the note and make your way back to the storage room before closing the door behind you.

“You need to get out more,” you say aloud to yourself, referring to your ridiculous thoughts of comparing your humdrum life to a romance novel.

You click your tongue in disapproval, your hands busy unfolding Azul’s note to read the contents written inside.

Y/n, I’m sorry if this was too corny. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by approaching you directly. Thank you for your response, I really wasn’t expecting it. You guys have so many books here that it’d take a long time for me to find the ones I need to send another book spine message. I mean, not that that’s a bad thing! I hope you don’t mind a good old fashion letter though. Why don’t we share quotes from our favorite books instead? That way I don't have to trouble you and make you put back the books I took. I’m curious to know what kinds of literature you like to read. I’ll go first. “He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.” Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy - Azul Ashengrotto

You feel like your eyes are going to pop out of their sockets from how suddenly they grew wide, “Wha— you mean, like, the Octavinelle Housewarden Azul?!”

❥

A few weeks pass by with more than a handful of letters being exchanged between you and Azul; though, truthfully, you were tempted to stop your correspondence once you were aware of Azul’s identity.

“Eh, why? Did he say something wrong?” Epel had inquired when you came to him for advice once again.

“Well, no, but he did put Ace and Deuce into a predicament, so…”

“They kind of had that coming for opting to cheat instead of just studying like we did.”

“You sound just like Jack.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. What else?”

“Uh, because of the dang promotion he’s doing, we’re going to be a lot busier than usual.”

“Y/n. We work in a library — located on-campus, might I add. And it’s almost finals season,” Epel looks about ready to throw a book at you so maybe that’ll knock some sense into you.

“Okay… but what if this is just a ploy to get me to sign my livelihood away in some contract?”

“Azul’s a straightforward business man. He definitely wouldn’t be wasting his time like this just for a contract.”

You paused and thought through Epel’s words for a moment. It did make sense: why would Azul be spending his precious free time to entertain you in this way if he could’ve simply approached you with a salesman’s pitch?

You felt guilty for immediately assuming that his intentions were bad. Afterall, your only experience with the man outside of this long exchange was from word of mouth. Not to mention that his restaurant promotion was beneficial to both the library and the students.

“Okay, you may have a good point. Several good points, in fact,” you sigh in defeat.

In the beginning, both you and Azul had to badger Epel to pass along secret letters to the other person; and the requests were almost always followed with a look of utter displeasure.

There was more than one occasion where Epel was tempted to just lock the two of you inside the storage room until you would eventually talk.

Luckily for all three of you, he never had to resort to that.

There eventually came a point when you felt comfortable enough to approach Azul first, and he would always welcome you with a heart-stopping smile; one that would leave your cheeks feeling warm and catch your words in your throat. If the man knew the effect that he had on you, he was certainly gracious enough not to show it.

In his free time, Azul likes to stroll around the library with you. While it’s usually in a comfortable silence, he’ll sometimes ask you to elaborate on things from your last correspondences.

Other times, he’ll ask you to proofread his contracts or ask for your ideas on how he can improve sales at Monstro Lounge — things he usually either did himself or asked for Jade’s assistance. You always tell him that you’re not qualified enough to give him such advice, but he always insists anyway.

Just like that, you learn more about each other and your tastes in literature than you would have with anyone else.

Today Azul arrives at the library just as you’re finishing up your afternoon tasks. You rush over to the checkout counter as soon as you see him come in, the warm, welcoming smile on your face immediately lifting his spirits.

“Hi, Azul! Welcome back,” you call out to the man, waving at him with your free hand while the other is clutching a clipboard full of inventory paperwork.

“Hi, y/n,” Azul’s lips quirk up into his signature sweet smile that doesn’t betray the quick beating of his heart. “How was your day?”

“Tiring… but I kind of like seeing the new faces around here so I don’t mind that trade-off,” you answer, referring to the influx of students scrambling to prepare for finals at every available corner of the building.

“I’m glad that you’re starting to warm up to strangers,” Azul chuckles, his hand reaching out to gently ruffle your hair. You stare up at Azul with widened eyes, and he stares back with his hand slightly trembling; clearly you both are surprised by the affectionate gesture.

Azul suddenly clears his throat, breaking you both out of your momentary trance as he pulls his hand away. Even if he didn’t plan on showing his affection as such, he couldn’t deny that he’s started to develop romantic feelings for you.

That's why he came today, so he could finally ask you something that he’d been delaying for the past week or so.

“So, anyways,” Azul starts, and you can hear the subtle tone of nervousness in his voice.

You watch with furrowed eyebrows as Azul slips a strap of his backpack off his shoulders and unzips the largest pocket. After a few seconds of digging around, Azul finally flourishes a handful of books that he holds out towards you with the spines purposefully facing away.

“What’re these for?” you ask curiously, though you don’t wait for an answer before taking the books from Azul and clutching them to your chest. “Are we going back to book spine messages now?”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind,” Azul nods in confirmation before shrugging his backpack strap back on. He presses his lips into a thin line, eyes fixed to the floor beside you and cheeks a rosy tint as he asks, “um… I— I’ll get a reply before I leave today… right?”

“Of course, that’s been our routine for a while now,” you giggle as you find it quite adorable how shy Azul suddenly got, even if you don’t know the reason why yet.

“I’ll be waiting then,” Azul flashes an uncharacteristic half-smile before heading up to his usual writing spot on the second floor.

Although Azul seems to be acting strange today, you think that maybe he’s had a difficult time convincing Floyd to study today and has a headache. You roll your eyes at the thought while shaking your head and mumbling, “I’ll squeeze that eel twice as hard the next time I see him.”

With a loud sigh, you make your way around the checkout counter and plop down onto Epel’s vacant office chair with a familiar loud creak. You wince, bowing your head apologetically at the few people who turned towards the source of the sudden noise that disturbed their peace.

Once their attention is averted back to whatever they were doing before they were so rudely interrupted, you turn your attention back to the books Azul handed you earlier. The last time he gave you something like this was when he asked to start exchanging letters instead; so, you’re curious as to why he suddenly decided to change his method again.

You place the books on the counter in front of you, your clipboard and paperwork long forgotten underneath the stack.

Friday Nights by [redacted] Dinner Recipes by [redacted] Together by [redacted] If You’d Like To by [redacted]

You stare at the books with a dumbfounded expression, not wanting to jump into conclusions about its meaning; but what else could it mean besides Azul Ashengrotto asking you out to dinner this Friday night?

It suddenly makes sense why he was acting kind of shy earlier.

The thought makes you feel warm inside, and you have to hide the wide smile appearing on your face behind your hands.

You don’t want to wait until Azul leaves tonight to give him an answer, and you make up your mind almost right away to tell him your answer verbally — mostly because your brain is not comprehending what’s going on well enough to function properly and think of a creative response to his invitation.

You shake your head while patting your cheeks rather roughly, getting up from your seat carefully to not make any more unwanted noise.

Your feet rush you up the stairs to the second floor before you can talk yourself into chickening out, before you can change your mind, before—

The sight of Azul makes you stop in your tracks, your heart hammering wildly against your chest. Was it from seeing the person that you adore, or was it from the sudden rush of adrenaline? You honestly can’t tell anymore.

Azul is hunched over a short pile of papers — the lack of paper balls around him makes you think that he’s at least got a good start to his studying session — his cheek is resting against his fist as the other hand is busy writing away. His eyebrows are furrowed in utter concentration, so much so that he doesn’t even realize that his glasses are slowly sliding down the bridge of his nose.

You quietly make your way to the chair across the table from the man and settle yourself down onto the wooden material with your eyes still fixed on him. You’re not sure if it’s just the harsh lighting of the library or you weren’t paying attention earlier, but you can see faint dark circles under his eyes.

“Aren’t you sleeping enough?” you mumble, though Azul still doesn’t hear you. Your hand reaches out without you meaning to, your fingertips gently brushing aside the locks of hair that were starting to cover Azul’s eyes.

This finally gathers his attention and the man jolts in surprise, his eyes wide as his head shoots up to see you sitting across from him.

You can’t help but giggle at how adorable Azul looks, pulling your hand back to cover your mouth as you do so, “I’m so sorry. I didn't think you could get so focused in, like, five minutes.”

“Oh— I— yeah, sorry,” the man snaps back to his senses before his hands are spread out to cover whatever he’s written — not that he needed to. You wouldn’t have peeked anyways, and you both know that well enough: you’d never look unless he asked you to. “Did you need something?”

“Huh?” you question before cursing yourself mentally, because just a fleeting look at Azul could make your mind go completely blank. You quickly shake your head before Azul could elaborate, “no, no! I just… I'm saying yes. To your, uh… invitation.”

“My invi— oh,” Azul’s mouth forms a small “o” as he realizes what you’re referring to; and just like the first time you gave him a response, he’s caught by surprise.

To be honest, he was mentally preparing himself for rejection. Lack of self-confidence aside, he wasn’t sure if you felt the same way he did; whereas he ended his letters with quite corny quotes from romance novels, you missed his hints and always ended yours with quotes from novels in any other genre.

“Is that… okay?” you ask hesitantly when Azul doesn’t say anything else. You can feel your entire body starting to feel warm from embarrassment, the thought that you must have misinterpreted his words hitting you like a brick.

“Y—yeah, of course!” Azul answers a bit too quickly, and the more time passes by, the wider his smile gets and the redder his ears turn. “I’m the one who asked, why are you asking if it’s okay to say ‘yes’?”

“I thought I misinterpreted,” you confess after releasing the breath you were anxiously holding in.

Azul chuckles and places his hands on yours before giving them a reassuring squeeze, “I’m sorry, I was caught off guard. But thank you for agreeing to go out with me.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” your cheeks begin to burn as the cliché phrase leaves your lips. “but um… where are we going? Are you actually going to cook dinner?”

You don’t doubt that the man probably has skills in a kitchen. He owns a restaurant after all, but you’ve never visited before so you’re not sure who actually does all the cooking. Azul merely runs his thumb and index finger across his lips in a zipping motion.

“It’s a surprise!”

❥

The next few days follow in a blur of excitement and expectancy. You’ve tried to ask Azul multiple times for even just a hint of what your plans would be for Friday night, but he stays true to his word of keeping everything a surprise.

So, come Friday, you decide to dress comfortably with a pair of straight leg jeans and an oversized, lilac-toned sweater. It’s simplistic, but when Azul comes to pick you up at the library that night, it seems that the two of you had unintentionally matched — though his sweater is slightly darker in color.

When you first see each other, you point at one-another as if you were the infamous Spider-man meme. Small bursts of laughter leave both of your lips as you decide to make the first move and reach out for his hand.

Without his gloves on, you can feel how clammy Azul’s hand is from nervousness. You don’t mind it very much though, his hand is still very soft and warm and comforting to you. 

“Are you ready?” Azul asks, daring to give your hand the tiniest squeeze.

“Uh, as ready as someone can be when they don’t know where they’re going.”

Azul chuckles as he nods, “okay, fair enough. It’s nowhere bad, I promise. I’m not a serial killer.”

“That sounds exactly like what a serial killer would say in a mystery book, but I’ll trust you.”

“You read way too many crime books,” Azul comments, thinking back to the quotes you’ve written to him in your letters.

“I’d like to say I’ve broadened my horizons just a little bit. Though I never would’ve taken you for such a romantic,” you tease back, smiling sheepishly when the man chokes on his own spit at your words.

“I— uh, I’m most definitely not,” Azul says defensively between coughs, his cheeks reddening though you aren’t sure if it’s because he choked or because he’s actually feeling shy. “It’s just research for my, uh… contract work.”

“Sure, sure. Whatever you say,” you chuckle, rubbing the man’s back with your free hand until he ceases to cough.

The rest of the walk is blanketed in a comfortable silence, your gaze fixed on the fairy lights decorating the exterior of the school buildings. Once the lights have all but disappeared, your initial thought is that the dark hallways really don’t help Azul’s claim of not being a serial killer. If it’s true, then at least your last sight would be of a handsome man.

A few more minutes pass before you finally set foot inside the familiar Hall of Mirrors, Azul slowly guiding you to the mirror that connects to the Octavinelle dorm.

“You’ve never been to the Mostro Lounge before, have you?” Azul asks when he sees you staring apprehensively at the mirror.

“No, I haven’t.”

“It’s my pleasure to accompany you on your first visit then,” Azul smiles with a hand on his chest. “Hopefully, you’ll enjoy your time tonight so you can come visit again in the future.”

“I’m sure I’ll enjoy it since I’m with you, but will the tweels be there tonight? I can only imagine the amount of teasing we’re going to be enduring soon. Not that I mind!” you quickly add before Azul can take that as a sign to cancel.

“Hah, I thought about that too,” Azul mutters, two fingers rubbing circles on his temple as if to fight back an oncoming headache. “But…”

“But?” you tilt your head curiously, prying when Azul refuses to make eye contact with you.

Azul takes a deep breath, mentally willing himself to say possibly the cheesiest thing he’s ever said in his life, “but I don’t mind suffering just a little bit if you’ll be by my side.”

Now it’s your turn to start choking on air. Yeah, he definitely reads way too many romance novels.

❥

When you finally set foot inside the Monstro Lounge, it isn’t quite as busy as you had anticipated it to be. There are just a handful of patrons sitting around, mostly chattering amongst themselves and only momentarily stopping when you and Azul pass by.

It’s peaceful, and you have to wonder why Azul prefers to work in the library as opposed to here. And well, to be fair, it’s only this “slow” tonight due to Azul’s own doing. Ah, the sacrifices on profits he has to make for love.

You place your hand in Azul’s outstretched one after you enter the lounge, shy smiles on both of your faces as you allow him to guide you towards the kitchen. You don’t even notice that Azul hasn’t let go of your hand when you bump into Jade and Floyd.

“Oh, my, what a surprise to see you here, Azul,” Jade calmly says as he bows his head, “and y/n is here too. What a pleasant surprise. Good evening, y/n.”

“Ohhhh? Azul, you didn’t tell us you were bringing over a date tonight,” Floyd grins mischievously, only a second away from springing forward to squeeze you if Jade wasn’t holding on to the back of his shirt. “And it’s the dolphin from the library. Hi, dolphin.”

“H—hello,” you quickly greet the two men, your hand grasping Azul’s tighter in fear of an oncoming squeeze, “I hope we’re not intruding.”

“Not at all. I already told Jade beforehand that we were coming, so we’ll have the place to ourselves in a moment,” Azul answers you, his free hand adjusting the bridge of his glasses. “Please spare me that shocked look, Floyd. You know you’re the last person I would inform of a date.”

“Aw, Azul, you’re a meanie! I wouldn’t have teased you that much, I swear!” Floyd huffs and pouts.

“I can hardly believe that.”

“Now, now, Floyd. Let’s leave the lovebirds alone,” Jade coos, patting his brother on the back before slowly pushing him towards the direction you had just come in from. “Have a wonderful time, y/n. Azul.”

“You’ll be hearing from me later,” Floyd grumbles, pout still very apparent on his face while he reluctantly follows his brother out the door.

With their departure, the kitchen falls eerily silent, safe for the quiet hum of the commercial freezer in the corner. Azul silently lets go of your hand and dares to place a hand on the small of your back instead as he guides you deeper inside.

You’re not surprised by how impeccably clean the kitchen seems to be, surely Azul checks in often to ensure that everything is up to his standards and beyond. But what you are surprised by is the sight that greets you when Azul finally opens a door at the very back of the kitchen.

You’re greeted by the afternoon sunlight streaming through a window that doesn’t seem to belong in an underwater dorm. But there’s no way that you could be hallucinating the sight in front of you.

In the middle of the room is a long, wooden farm table with about four mismatched wooden chairs encompassing it; the wide window sill you saw first is showcasing several small pots that are homes to what you assume to be herbs and vegetables.

Azul notices your awe-filled gaze and retracts his hand, allowing you to roam around the room freely while he heads back to the kitchen to check on tonight’s dinner — courtesy of Jade. The acoustic in the room allows for your voice to be heard loud and clear though you’re technically in separate rooms.

“I didn’t know that they have rooms like this in the Coral Sea,” you say aloud, the tone of your voice conveying that your statement is serious.

“We definitely don’t,” you hear distant Azul’s chuckle and you can mentally picture the kind of smile the man has on his face at the moment. “That room is typically used as storage, but I borrowed a magic projector from Vil a while ago to make it look more home-y for you.”

“It certainly does look like home…” you say to yourself as you slowly take in your surroundings more carefully.

You’re not sure how Azul would know it himself as you’ve never talked to him about it before, but the setting before you — brought by a magic projector or not — does remind you of the dining room from back home. It’s been so long since you’d last seen it that you’d almost forgotten what it looked like.

It’s a kind gesture that brings tears of joy and nostalgia to your eyes.

“Thank you, Azul, this is really thoughtful of you. I don’t have anything to give you in return right now, but… what is it that you wish for, Azul?” you’ve made your way towards the kitchen by now, your shoulder leaning against the doorway as you gaze at the man with a look filled with curiosity.

Azul glances over his shoulders to look at you, his lips curving up into a soft smile as he shrugs, “if I tell you my wish, then it won’t come true.”

You fold your arms and hum in response, “okay, fair enough. I thought you were going to say ‘world domination’.”

“That’s such a plain wish, but I bet younger me would’ve wished for something just like that,” Azul laughs aloud at himself before shaking his head, “I think nowadays my wish is to be more confident in myself and my own abilities.”

You nod in understanding as you recall the brief stories he would share of his childhood. It seems that Azul has gone through so much in a short amount of time, but he’s also changed so much since then.

You walk over to the man and place your hand above his own, the steam from your dinner eventually warming your hand and dampening them as well.

“I think you’re doing a wonderful job right now, and I’m very proud of you,” you smile fondly at Azul, causing his eyes to widen in surprise and his chest to tighten as if he may burst into tears at any moment now.

“T—thank you…” it’s the first time someone has said anything like that to him before, and he’s not sure how he should respond. Right now, he’s only focused on making sure his face isn’t turning as red as Riddle’s.

“Of course! I’ll remind you of that as often as you’d like!”

Just as quickly as his expression changed before, Azul’s face brightens up once more at your response. He turns on his heels, his arms balancing a variety of plates packed with food. You reach out to help alleviate the burden on his arms, but he moves his arms away from your reach before leaning down to get to eye level with you.

“Then I have even more of a reason to be grateful, right? We got to meet each other, and my wishful thinking… may not be such after all.”

Your features crease into a look of confusion at the man’s unexpected words, but when you gaze into his dark grey orbs you can see the sincerity in them.

Unknowingly, the space between your faces starts to become smaller and smaller. Azul’s gaze shifts between your eyes, then your lips, then back up again. But before anything can happen, as if the universe is playing a joke on you, a plate in Azul’s arm shifts ever so slightly and causes the two of you to jump apart.

A rather awkward laugh makes its way past your lips and you hurriedly reach out to grab a few plates from Azul’s arms before he can protest. You don’t say a single word as you set the plates down onto the farm table, your mind too busy screaming a million incoherent thoughts, and Azul follows suit.

“I’m so sorry,” Azul is the first to break the silence once you’ve taken a seat diagonal to each other, on either side of a table corner.

“What? Don’t be sorry,” you shake your head while simultaneously waving your hands. Your fingers slowly curve into loose fists that you rest atop your lap, the small smile on your face mirroring Azul’s own.

“Do you… know why I asked you out tonight?” Azul hesitantly asks, a quiet sigh leaving his lips when you shake your head ‘no’. “Well, it’s just that I realized that we’ve spent most of our time together in the library— well, in fact, I have never seen you outside of the library. It finally occurred to me that I might be making you feel like you don’t matter outside of that space. Which you do!”

“I don’t feel that way though…” you try to reassure him, but it seems like your words only enter one ear and exit the other as he continues to speak.

“I’ve truly enjoyed exchanging all those letters with you and being able to connect through our shared love for books. But, if you don’t mind, I’d like to start seeing you outside of that too.”

It doesn’t take you long to process the situation and, to your utmost surprise, your heart isn’t hammering in your chest like you think it should. Instead your entire body feels comfortably warm and you have the overwhelming urge to embrace Azul.

At this point, you’ve garnered enough courage to do just that.

You stand up and quickly make your way over to him, your arms immediately wrapping themselves around Azul’s shoulders while your face hides in the crook of his neck. It takes a moment for him to respond, but Azul’s arms eventually find their place around your waist to press your body firmly against his.

“You’re such an idiot, Azul,” you mutter after what feels like an eternity has passed.

Your words cause the man’s lower lip to jut out into a pout, and he leans back ever so slightly so he can look at your face; you almost whine when the warmth of Azul’s body leaves you.

“Why am I an idiot?” Azul inquires, a hand moving to tuck loose strands of hair behind your ear.

“Because… if I really felt that way then I never would have kept reciprocating for so long. It doesn’t matter if we spent all that time in one place because it never got boring or tiring with you around,” you pause to flash a fond smile at Azul. “And even now, I’m having the time of my life just being here in your presence. Is that too corny to say? It’s the truth though.”

Azul chuckles in amusement while shaking his head, “it’s not corny. I think.”

It’s the first time that you’ve been so straightforward without getting flustered, and he’s not sure where your sudden courage came from.

Not that he’s complaining about it though.

When you two first met, you could barely hold a conversation with him for more than a minute. While he did feel a pang of disappointment every time, he never took it personally — especially not after seeing you interact with other students in a similar manner.

You caught him off guard when you finally approached him first, weeks after your first correspondences, though your cheeks were permanently warm while you tried your best to converse with him.

He found you adorable, like a newborn seal pup being introduced to the world for the first time.

Azul has always enjoyed your company since the beginning, whereas he’d prefer to be left alone to work in the past. But then he found himself going back to the library time and time again, until it became a regular occurrence.

He admittedly never got a lot of studying done when he was at the library — at least, not at the times when he accompanied you on your daily runs to shelve book returns.

Azul’s still not sure when his feelings developed beyond those of curiosity and friendship.

Perhaps it was when you could finally meet his eyes and hold contact, allowing him to gaze deep into your eyes that always seemed to sparkle with light and joy.

Or perhaps it was when he told you a dad joke so bad that it actually made you burst into a fit of giggles that left you breathless — the mere sight of you smiling gleefully tugging at his heartstrings in the best way.

Regardless of the when, where, why, and how’s, Azul is certain of his feelings for you.

“I wonder if this is how Benedick and Beatrice felt when they finally agreed to marry,” you comment, breaking through Azul’s thoughts.

Azul nearly snorts at your remark, “B—Benedick and Beatrice? You mean the ones from “Much Ado About Nothing”?”

“Yeah… why?”

The man laughs after your confirmation, your cheeks being partially squished between his palms as he brings your faces closer together until the tips of your noses are almost touching, “no offense — I adore that beautiful mind of yours — but I don’t think those two exactly exude the idea of ‘wholesome’.”

“But think of the relief they must’ve felt after they didn’t have to pretend they didn’t love each other anymore.”

“So, you love me?” Azul quirks an eyebrow up challengingly.

“Wh— you’re taking that too literally,” you grumble with a fist hitting the man’s chest gently, though the way you avoid his eyes and your cheeks are flushed tells him that he may be somewhere on the right path.

“Then… do you like me?” Azul inquires, and you can see the mischievous glint in his eyes when you finally meet them.

“Do we really have to say that out loud after we already did our monologues?”

“I want to hear it from you. Please.”

You swallow the small lump in your throat, though that’s the only sign of nervousness in your entire body.

You find it fascinating how quickly your body’s reactions change whenever Azul is around. There’s a sense of nerves and shyness when you’re in the midst of new experiences, but it just as quickly changes to feelings of calmness because the man brings you such a sense of comfort you never expected.

Just like how the lump in your throat dissipates and leaves you to gaze at Azul with complete fondness.

There’s not a moment of hesitation before your whispered confession of “I truly like you, Azul Ashengrotto.” hangs in the air.

Just those simple words of affirmation make Azul’s entire face light up, the sight of his bright smile making you feel like you were standing in the middle of a field and soaking in the warm summer sunlight.

“And I like you, y/n.”

Your bodies act as if on muscle memory, Azul’s face tilting ever so slightly while your eyes flutter shut. You’re not sure who closes the distance first. Perhaps it was both of you moving simultaneously, but your lips eventually meet in a fleeting and gentle kiss.

There were no fireworks igniting behind your eyelids like they’d described in the countless books you’ve read, but it still leaves you feeling lightheaded. Like you’re melting into Azul’s arms. Like there’s only the two of you alone in this vast world.

When you pull apart, the two of you giggle like schoolgirls but the action isn’t fueled by feelings of awkwardness or nervousness. You both gaze at each other with eyes full of admiration and budding feelings of love, the feelings that were hidden before from fear of being rejected finally bubbling up to the surface.

You’ve long forgotten about the now-cold plates of food sitting in front of you; opting to spend the rest of the night exchanging even more gentle kisses and whispered sweet nothings.

❥

The dynamics of your relationship with Azul hardly changed after you confirmed your feelings for one-another, and you truly feel grateful that there was no pressure on you to act differently.

Of course, now there were a lot more lingering touches, your fingers almost always intertwined if there was nothing to keep them busy. You’d even sneak brief kisses behind the cover of bookshelves when you thought no one was looking.

Even if neither of you were a fan of P.D.A., you made an exception for each other. 

Nothing was made official between the two of you after that fateful night, as Azul opted to wait another half a year before asking you to be his partner.

You didn’t mind his decision to take things slow. You both wanted to make sure that your feelings for each other weren’t just illusions brought forth by letters on paper — though you knew that wasn’t the case anyways.

When he felt that the time was right, Azul asked the question in the best way that he knew how to: through book spines. Though unlike how he’d asked you on your “first date,” Azul didn’t shy away after dropping the books off.

He’d waited patiently for you to have some time to spare for him, his chin resting atop his folded arms at the checkout counter as he watched you help patron after patron check out books.

“I have something for you,” Azul could hardly contain his excitement when you finally turned to him and let him know you were free.

“What is it?”

You felt a sense of déjà vu watching Azul dig into his backpack and pull out a stack of books. He placed them down on the counter with the book spines facing you, and you’d half-expected him to walk away like before.

But he stayed there; his eyes curved into double rainbows coupled with a sweet smile, and his hands trembling ever so slightly in nervousness.

Will by [redacted] You by [redacted] Bees by [redacted] Mine by [redacted]

You had to hold back the squeal that was threatening to escape your larynx when you finally looked away from Azul long enough to read his message. Your mind already went over the fact that Azul had to substitute the word “be” with “bees” and you nodded so hard Azul thought your head might fly off.

Now it’s been exactly a year since you two made your relationship official. In the year you’ve spent as a couple — and even before then — you’d fallen into a pleasant routine.

During the weekdays, while you’re working at the library, Azul would be studying in his usual spot in the corner of the second story. After some time, he’d suspiciously stopped asking you to proofread his work.

Every Friday night, he would try out new dinner recipes and you would be in charge of baking dessert — and you wonder how his kitchen has managed to stay so spotless after all this time.

Sometimes you would invite Epel, Ace, and Deuce to come over too, and the first time your friends agreed to come, they were appalled by how sweet you and Azul were; but they secretly loved seeing you genuinely happy in this strange new world.

Saturday’s were reserved for the show-and-tell of Azul’s enormous coin collection, with the latter recalling stories of when he found them on solo adventures in the Coral Sea. When you asked why he had so many, Azul explained that they help with his memory and it’s exciting to learn of the history behind especially old coins. You can’t argue with him there.

Sunday’s are for those who may say that your relationship seems too mundane. You both agreed to do something new during this day, may it be something as small as feeding ducks near the pond or as adventure packed as tagging along with Jade on his strolls in the mountains.

Either way, you always ended the day cuddling up next to each other in Azul’s bedroom.

The collections of books in this world are endless, and you’ve made it a habit to take turns reading aloud to each other until you both fell asleep late into the night.

But this Sunday, the exact day of your one-year anniversary with Azul, the man had asked if you could stay at home. Your homebody-self answered “yes” without hesitation.

It’s already nightfall by the time you find yourselves stuffed with dinner and cake and situated under the wooden pergola illuminated by Vil’s borrowed magic projector. Your comfortable silence is accompanied by the soothing chirping of crickets and a night sky sprinkled with the brightest stars.

“Happy anniversary, angel,” Azul says with a warm smile before bringing your hands up to press tender kisses along your knuckles.

“Angel”: it’s a hypocorism that Azul has grown fond of calling you by. When he first started to call you as such, you found it amusing because it’s a name that better suits him.

“Happy anniversary, darling,” your smile mirrors Azul’s own, a quiet giggle escaping your lips when his lips tickle your skin.

It’s a wonder that time has passed so quickly.

It felt like just yesterday you saw Azul entering the library, with not a single clue as to who he was — and now here you are, more than positive that you’re in love with the man sitting in front of you.

“I love you”: it’s a sentence that has remained unspoken between the two of you. Not because you don’t love each other, because even a jellyfish could see that you do, but because neither of you ever felt the need to verbalize those feelings.

Until now.

“Azul,” you call out, waiting until he glances up and hums in response. “I love you.”

A minute of silence follows, then two, then three, and as more time passes on, you can feel a sense of panic growing stronger in the pit of your stomach.

Had you thought wrong? Did you just jump the gun when Azul didn’t feel as strongly for you as you did for him?

“I have something for you,” Azul’s soothing voice cuts through your anxious thoughts.

You try to ignore the pang of disappointment that accompanies your panic.

He didn’t say it back.

“What is it?” you ask, your voice sounding weak.

“Close your eyes.”

You do as you’re told, keeping your eyes closed as Azul lets go of your hands. You can hear him rummaging around for something, and you have to wonder what it could be.

Your eyes only open again when Azul gives you the okay to.

Azul places what appears to be a manuscript atop your lap, and you look at him with a puzzled expression on your face as you pick the bundle of papers up, ”what is this?”

“I didn’t tell you this before because I was too embarrassed, but I decided to try writing a book of my own,” Azul chuckles, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m getting close to done. I just wanted you to see it first, even though I know you hate spoilers.”

“I absolutely do,” you declare as you roll your eyes in a playful manner.

“I know, I know, but…” Azul bites on his lower lip, his voice trailing off as he contemplates how to word his next sentence. “I’m better at writing out my feelings than I am verbally expressing it, and I’ve included it here. I’d love for you to read it first before the rest of the world.”

“I think you’re better at expressing your feelings aloud than you think you are, darling.”

You can’t deny that you feel honored to have Azul regard you highly enough to have you be the first to read his nearly completed work. Sure, you’ve spent hours proofreading essays and the like before, but this felt different.

Azul’s hands are clasped together tightly enough to make his skin appear a few shades lighter, anxiety coursing through his body as he watches you flip to the first page of the manuscript where the dedication page is. He’s not sure why he feels that way when he knows exactly how you feel about him.

Your eyes and mind slowly take in the words written on the page.

Were you suddenly hallucinating sweet words onto paper? A quick glance up at Azul tells you no.

His written feelings bring tears of happiness to the corners of your eyes, and it takes all your willpower to not throw your arms around the man and kiss him right then and there.

To my muse, my angel, my wonderful y/n, You know what people say about meeting your soulmate? It feels like you’re at home the moment you meet them. I think they’re right, because while the sight of your beautiful smile makes my heart race, you also make me feel safe and comfortable. It’s like one look from you lifts the weight of the world off my shoulders, like there’s absolutely nothing for me to worry about. Without you, I would never have experienced things and feelings that I thought were only possible in books. It’s with our fond memories in mind that I write this book. Thank you. Thank you for choosing to spend your days with me. Thank you for being a beacon of support during the times I was clouded with self-doubt and during the times I wasn’t. I love you. “Yours is the light by which my spirit’s born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” - E.E. Cummings

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst #twst x reader #twisted wonderland oneshot #twisted wonderland reactions #twisted wonderland imagines #azul ashengrotto #azul x y/n #azul x reader

[softpine]

hello. i'm reading through camellia for the first time and i'm still experiencing cara being an angsty teen (i love how seamless the development / time passing feels in your story btw!) but i was just wondering, why exactly did cara turn her older friends in? it seemed a little sudden, but i thought maybe it was because of the og storyline for that causing you such great anxiety. i hope i don't seem nitpicky, i was just wondering what you as the writer feel was her motivation for doing that?

omg hello new reader hiiiii 💖💖 okay that whole story line was SUCH a shit show and i'm totally fine saying it!! nothing went according to plan for a few different reasons. the first one being that personal issues in my life were making it really difficult for me to continue writing themes of addiction & incarceration, so i was eager to speed through that part of the plot even though i really really wish i had given it the time and care it deserved (well actually i wish i hadn't written it at all, because i didn't know what i was doing yet). i think that might be the only time i've actually, truly triggered myself through writing. i'm so much more self aware about what i can & can't handle now, but at the time i was only 18 (!!! that's crazy) and i didn't know how to move on from that in a graceful manner.

but the other important context is that, at that point, caroline was HEAVILY disliked by a small but vocal number of people. the hateful messages about her were coming on a daily basis and some of them were just plain vile. i had never had to deal with that before, because i'd never written a morally gray character before (well.... was she morally gray or was she just a teenage girl..... tbh....... anyway). it got really overwhelming to me, as i saw myself in caroline and it hurt to see so many of my own personality traits being shit on. so, again, i was eager to just hurry up and get this story line over with so i could show caroline in a more positive light again and hopefully the hate mail would stop.

i regret so much of what happened during that time period. i let people get in my head when i should've just blocked them and carried on with my original plan. but it was a good learning experience for sure! i'm just sorry you have to read through my mistakes 😬

#anonymous #asks #nonsims #brandi answers

[ciaossu-imagines]

Fear or love (you can choose any of the two) for Ikerev’s Harr please ^_^

Of course, anon dear! Thank you for the request and I hope you'll enjoy the headcanons!

Fear: Tell us three fears?

I think, on top of just being shy, Harr does have a fear of crowded places. It's not a really intense fear, not to the point that he can't manage it or force himself to deal with it, but large crowds of people do give him a fair amount of anxiety, nervousness, and a little bit of fear. He's normally fine when he gets into the situation and sees everything is fine, but he's always much happier when he gets to leave the crowded place or the crowd starts to thin down, especially if the people left are those he already feels quite comfortable with.

I think, although he doesn't really know how to explain it out or really fully understand and cope with it, Harr does have a fear of failure. He fears not being able to help others, of not being able to do the things he needs to, or of letting those who care about or depend on him down. He tries so very, very hard to alleviate this fear, to make it not such a pressure on his mind, but it's still always a fear that lurks around in the back of his mind and really acts up late at night, when he can't sleep.

A silly little fear, especially since it's extremely, extremely unlikely to happen, but Harr kind of has a hidden fear of getting a papercut on his eyeball, his tongue, the inside of his mouth - really any of the soft or spongy parts of him.

Love: Do you believe in marriage?

Now, I do think Harr does believe in marriage. He firmly believes in it, actually, and does think it is a blessing in people's life. He believes in the sanctity and commitment that marriage represents and thinks that for a large number of couples, it is an amazing thing.

However, he's not of the belief that marriage is right for everyone. He knows some people either don't want marriage in their lives, or live lives that have no room for a marriage. For some people, they cannot imagine giving up their freedom and are truly happiest without the constant companionship that marriage represents.

Now, if you're asking whether Harr believes marriage is right for him, that's a complicated answer. It's not that he doesn't want marriage, but more that he has settled himself into the belief that marriage is not going to be a possibility in his life. For one thing, he is an outlaw canonically, and we don't know how many years exactly that has been a thing. We do know he worked with the Magic Tower before, and I personally headcanon that those who sign on to the Magic Tower, sign almost their entire life to the Magic Tower, devoting their lives to research and exploration, and don't marry because of that. So I think he doesn't see marriage as a future possibility for him and had really given up on the notion.

Now, I could see Harr getting married to the right person, especially if the idea of marriage was especially important to that person, but I could also see him just as happy to live life with them as his one and only life partner, without the legality and paperwork of a marriage ceremony.

#replies #ikemen revolution #ikerev #headcanons #harr silver

[bamboobrat]

succession s4 e7 recap: 🍆🍆🇺🇸

this week's recap is nothing short of a trauma dump from this here political operative.

never in my life did i think i would relate to nate, but there truly is nothing scarier than election eve....

we start the episode off the disguisting brothers, preparing for a long night at ATN.

tom has seemingly still not slept and greggory peggory is still recovering from his night on the town with one lukas mattson.

a few levels up, team shiv and team roman are also gearing up for a long night.

other than the distinct lack of booze, i'd say the vibes are pretty realistic.

roman with mencken was always my least favorite version of roman. this episode is no exception.

in fact, i think i'm demonstratively anti-roman in this episode.

and gerri is nowhere to be seen:((

shiv is worried about mattson letting greg in on their little plans.

as she should. rule number 1: don't talk to greg.

rava has to deal with kendall yet again.

this woman is a saint. someone save her.

ken is still on his "everything i do, i do for my children"-shit. you know, everything except ensure that a fascist doesn't make it to the white house.

honestly, this episode is really, very good.

i never wanna watch it again.

mencken bonds with roman over the fact that they both hate the word 'narrative'.

he is prepared to lose and for a millisecond i was hopeful.

tom and greg do coke behind a whiteboard.

this is the right wing politics that i know. 10/10 great representation.

however, we all know how tom is with drugs. he does them all wrong and feels wrong and immediately begins spiraling.

my body is very bad at many things, such as producing enough serotonin, but years of campaigning means my stomach has superpowers.

gas station sushi? no problem. leftover pizza from the night before? don't feel a thing.

i'm stronger than tom, is what i'm saying. activists just do it better, i guess.

connor represents all politicians, all the time:

now, i respect all the politicians i work for loads, but there is just something inherently narcisstic about having six people cater to your needs constantly.

and most of them are unfortunately not as funny as connor.

tom is being a little shit.

with no moves left, shiv tells him she's pregnant.

it's not entirely unreasonable of tom to ask if it's even true, or if it's a tactic telling him that, but he's still a little shit for doing it.

i hate hate hate that we only got like four minutes of shiv girlbossing before she was back to doing everything wrong again... i support women's wrongs, but c'mon:(((

connor is by far my favorite part of this episode.

i just think they are neat<3

ken has his sister's back and i could rewatch those few seconds over and over and over.

fuck tom and his stupid touch screens.

and fuck roman too.

basically, there's a fire in wisconsin and ballots have been lost. historically, those votes have been overwhelmingly democrat, but roman wants them to call wisconsin for mencken, disregarding the burnt up ballots altogether.

he sends his talking points to ravenhead, who goes on an on-air rant, and the rest of the sibs take to the floor at ATN as well, much to greg's dismay.

shiv tries to threaten greg so that he doesn't tell her brothers about her plans with mattson.

as much as i love shiv threatening to pull greg's organs out his asshole, it isn't very effective.

there's an incident with wasabi.

i question a lot of decisions made in this episode, but perhaps most curious of all is the choice of lemon flavored la croix??????

i would laugh more at this if i wasn't so ridden with anxiety.

connor lands an embassadorship in the new mencken administration.

willa is skeptical of the fascism etc but still....

connor makes a speech. i love it when he does that.

we get a brief moment with the old guard, gerri not included.

we get basically no karl:/

instead we get roman being an asshole scene after scene after scene.

pls stop i can't take it anymore!!!

kendall is torn between team shiv and team roman, presumably because he can't decide what outcome will be most helpful to his own ambitions.

oh and there's the whole "my daughter might be in danger if mencken wins", but that seems to be secondary.

because he was vulnerable with shiv for a minute, he feels even more betrayed when he learns about her plans with mattson.

from greg of course. fucking greg.

the hugging era is truly a thing of the past.

i wish i had more jokes, but honestly this episode just made me very, very sad.

roman, ken and tom decide to call the election for mencken, despite shiv's desperate attempts.

and i just have to say, i know shiv isn't altruistic. i know she thinks a jimenez win will benefit her more than mencken will. i knooooow.

it's still very sad.

they call it for mencken.

me every single election night.

roman is very much in the camp of nothing fucking matters, and i guess he is right in a way.

it won't really matter to him or kendall.

it will for sophie, though. it will for jess.

ouffff....

roman now has a direct line into the west wing.

that being said, i don't think he's a very reliable partner for them.

in the end, mencken will do what is good for mencken. the same goes for roman.

i think ken might end up regretting this whole endeavor very, very soon.

tom becomes the face of this political scandal.

can't wait for it to bite him in the arse.

shiv makes a final rallying cry to mattson, but it somehow feels hollow to me.

this shiv girlie is starting to lose hope.

anyway, rava doesn't want ken to come over to see the kids because he prioritized his own project of becoming his dad over keeping them safe.

i guess i agree with him that the poison does, perhaps, drip down.

what a depressing episode!

i'm glad we are getting something to celebrate next week - logan's funeral wiii !!

#succession #succession hbo #succession spoilers #succession s4 #succession recap #greg hirsch #nick braun #nicholas britell #tom wambsgans #matthew macfadyen #roman roy #kieran culkin #shiv roy #sarah snook #kendall roy #jeremy strong #rava roy #natalie gold #jeryd mencken #justin kirk #connor roy #alan ruck #willa ferreyra #justine lupe #adam godley #darwin succession #j. smith-cameron #gerri kellman #peter friedman #frank vernon

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Random things that I should write about in a journal but am choosing to dump here instead.

I'm the happiest I have been in years. I'm truly living in a state of euphoria most of the time. I still have a hard time believing that I get to be the mom to this sweet and spunky little girl.

Despite all the joy I'm also dealing with daily anxiety that can get quite intense, days where depression makes it hard to do much other than lay around, and grief that is worsening each week. The swing between the high and low is a bit unsettling. Sometimes it feels like I'm faking it because I can't possibly feel both ends of the emotional spectrum so intensely.

I have cried every day for the past 2 weeks. As M reaches more milestones and starts interacting with us more I'm constantly reminded of exactly what I missed with my twins. When she laughs and strings cooing noises together as if trying to make conversation I'm flooded with equal parts joy and grief. Is this what they would have sounded like? Would they have been this outgoing with bold, strong personalities? I'll never get to know and that guts me.

I'm afraid I'm starting to forget my twins. Not conceptually. I know who they are and that they existed. I'm talking about the details. The way they smelled. How it felt when they squeezed my finger with their tiny hands. They way they melted into my chest as if I was their only safe space. The sound of their last breath. I'm terrified it's slipping from my memory.

Breastfeeding is taking everything out of me. Most days I'm exhausted and my body feels really run down. I'm not quitting, but damn it's taxing.

To say I'm thrilled to be working out regularly again is an understatement. It makes me feel like me again. I'm still a long ways from running, but that has resulted in me trying some new workouts which is a fun challenge.

Part of my regular workout routine right now as I rehab my leg is power walking. As an athlete that focuses on high intensity movement I have never considered walking exercise. Changing my mindset on that has been incredibly healthy mentally and will serve me well in the long run.

Mother's day is quickly approaching and there are just a lot of feelings about that.

I want another baby but the thought of going through another pregnancy and potentially more losses makes me want to rip my skin off.

I realized that the reason I want a second baby so badly RIGHT NOW is because after mentally preparing for twins it feels like a child is missing. In reality 2 are missing and they always will be. It's a huge hole that I can't fill.

I have little confidence that my body can provide the number of children my heart wants and that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's ok to still grieve what I have lost while being so incredibly grateful for the miracle baby I was blessed with, right? Sometimes I feel like a horribly ungrateful, disgusting monster for holding any negative feelings when M is such a perfect little ray of light. But like, I miss my babies. A lot. I suppose I should probably talk about this in therapy instead of ranting into the void.

#personal #mental health #life after loss #tw: child loss #neonatal loss #triple rainbow baby #postpartum #big feelings #I have avoided this in therapy for weeks

[judgementdaysunshine]

Eres mi corazon

Pairing:The wolf x reader

Description: You meet a grieving and rage fueled man on a train and after a whirlwind journey and becoming friends the two of you share your feelings for each other

You were on the train going home to Tokyo after a month long visit with your family in Okinawa helping them become accustomed with Japanese culture since they had only been there a few weeks when you came down to visit. You smile thinking back on the time spent with you family as a man sits across from you in a suit with glasses staring out the window as you calmly read your book until you notice the man looking at you not in a creepy or bothering way but instead in a calm and weirdly comforting way as he reaches in his pocket handing you a candy which turned out to be a spanish milk chocolate well known throughout the world. The two of you slowly begin to talk after you smile at each other eating the chocolates he brought as well as dinner served by the stewardess on the train talking about your childhoods and families plus the struggles you were both dealing with at the time you feel shocked and your soul aching when he tells you that he had just lost his wife at their wedding while he feels his heart stop and hurt like he had been hit really hard when you tell him of pretty much being alone not only having few friends but dealing with chronic anxiety and barely hanging on to living. The two of you gave your numbers to each other staying in contact learning his name was the wolf thinking it was a nickname that everyone called him meeting up with each other at different places from a Korean cafe in town near your home to a beach he liked to go to in Cancun Mexico on a trip together bonding the two of you to the other's hip and attached to each other in a way you had never been with another person before which at first confused you then scared you to death. Not only were you scared because of how much you trusted him but also how you truly cared about him realizing you were in love with him feeling selfish and disgusted due to the fact that only 5 months ago he had lost his wife and met him right after it happened "You okay chica?" you turn looking at him your thoughts going to the back of your mind "Yea just thinking" you both continue on your walk on the beach looking at the lighthouse in the distance "I don't know how to say this...so I'll say it differently" you say taking a deep breath turning to look at wolf as he stops fixing to ask what you meant. "Te amo estoy enamorada de ti dios desde que te vi" after awhile of meeting and being around each other, wolf had taught you to speak spanish mostly easy and common phrases but taught you more when you sweetly asked to know more to speak to others mainly him panicking when he stands there staring at you not saying anything you try to continue on or decide to just leave fearing that you've just lost a wonderful friendship. All the thoughts that were running through your mind all disappeared when he grabs you by the shoulders surging forward and pulling you into a loving and neverending kiss only stopping when you both had to breath for air "Te amo estimada...Eres mi corazon" you smile big as you hold each other going back to your home enjoying your newfound love together.

#bullet train #the wolf #bullet train x reader #the wolf x reader

[sk2lton]

IT’S MY FAULT﹙☆﹚— TWST 

you confess to cater and get rejected.

— warnings: being anxious/nervous, rejection, negative self perception (not detailed), but ends happily/reader gets reassurance, cater is kind of ooc, semi proofread

— characters: cater

you could tell by the way cater winced, that your feelings for him were not mutual. although his facial expression didn’t show a hint of disgust, nor did it imply any aversion, you couldn’t help but think you had possibly ruined a perfectly good friendship. how you loathed yourself for it as a wave of pure embarrassment washed over your entire body, sending heat straight to your face. it was awkward, as each passing moment went on in complete silence. the only noises to be heard were those of the botanical garden, which you were both currently in. 

ㅤ

you had thought it to be a great place to confess, however as you stood there uncomfortably listening to the leaves rustle from the gardens few inhabitants, you couldn’t help but regret your decision. not only did it make you paranoid that somebody could be overhearing your conversation from a nearby bush, but it always made you so desperately hope that a large animal would jump out and swallow you whole. so quickly, that cater would fail to even see what exactly happened. surely, it would be rather confusing for him to explain to crowley that you simply went missing. however, you could only hope. 

ㅤ

“sorry, i just thought you should know,” you stammered, attempting to save any bit of grace you still had left. so, instead of continuing to gawk in silence with cater, you decided to slowly step away, but cater quickly stopped you.

ㅤ

“wait,” he spoke. feeling that anxiety you felt before confessing started to come back. it was like a plant’s seeds had been scattered in your stomach, and its roots were beginning to grow which resulted in you feeling sick. “i’m flattered,” cater said, his smile faltering for only a second. 

ㅤ

i’m flattered, was something you’d say if a stranger came up to you and asked for your number. it wasn’t something you’d say to your close friend. maybe you were just nitpicking everything that came out of his mouth and would continue to do so. your reasoning was you knew the inevitability of your rejection. so, any words until that rejection were only prolonging this awkwardness and your eventual hurt. 

ㅤ

“i really don’t know what to say,” cater spoke much differently than how he usually does. you could tell he was more careful when choosing her words, and a lot more serious. “i don’t want to say something that will hurt you,” he was right. he wasn’t dealing with something silly, he was dealing with your feelings right now. 

ㅤ

“don’t worry about it. i’ll get over it,” you already knew you were being rejected, but you needed to hear the words from his mouth to actually accept it. even though it may seem cruel, pushing cater to verbalize the fact that he didn’t feel the same, if he truly didn’t want to hurt you, it was the least he could do. it would be much more harmful if he didn’t, and instead let you continue to think that you possibly have the slightest chance. if he doesn’t say “i don’t like you back” now, you might find yourself making scenarios in your head of you both before bed. a mind roams when it’s left to wander.

ㅤ

“i really love you as a friend. i don’t feel anything romantic to you... but i want us to remain friends, if possible.” and there it was, through cater’s sheepish smile (which was a new look for him), what you had wanted ever since you saw him wince at your confession. a definite refusal. 

ㅤ

although your anxiety depleted, it was replaced with a cruel kind of sadness. one that differed greatly from what you’d experience after losing a sports game or getting a poor grade on a test. it’s a cruel sadness that reinstated all self doubt. at least when you get a bad grade or lose a game, you can always do better next time. but, this was different. was there something wrong with you that led to being rejected? you knew it wasn’t cater’s fault that he didn’t feel the same way, so it must’ve been yours. there must be something wrong with you. 

ㅤ

“yeah, that’s fine,” you said after realizing that you had been uncomfortably silent for the past few moments, which had caused cater to awkwardly shift his weight from leg to leg, waiting for you to respond. upon your answer, cater seemed to breathe out an inaudible sigh of relief. a small smile returned to his face, representing much more the cater you were used to seeing. 

ㅤ

even as you two went your separate ways, to your different classes, there was one recurrent thought in your brain that was absolutely tormenting. 

ㅤ

‘was there something wrong with me?’

ㅤ

yet as hours passed, and you continued to dwell on that exact thought, it soon transformed into: ‘what is wrong with me?’. maybe your eyes. the way you spoke. your personality. your fashion sense. your interests. your unique habits. or— possibly all of the above and more. while it may be nearly impossible to guess, that didn’t stop you from trying to. however, you had nobody to confirm or deny these guesses, which led to you confirming each and every one of them. each time you’d think up a trait of yours, after a moment of (more or less) deep reflection, you’d simply add it to the pile of things totally, and utterly horrible about you. 

ㅤ

after this thoughts begun to consume you, you started to avoid cater as if your life depended on it. you wouldn’t have been caught dead in the same room as cater. you just didn’t know if you would be able to handle it; the sadness it brought. the last thing you need in a time like this is to start crying in front of cater because you felt horrible about yourself. that would just make everything worse!

ㅤ

however, cater must have picked up on your avoidant behaviour and he decided he would let this slide. partially, he felt responsible for whatever it may be that you’re feeling right now, for whatever is making you avoid him. if he had said something that truly hurt you, he wanted to make it right. if he had ever made you feel like he didn’t care for you, he wanted to reassure you that he did. despite the fact that he rejected you, that surely didn’t mean that he still doesn’t care for you. you are one of his closest friends after all, one that he confided in very often, so it would be hypocritical if he didn’t let you confide in him. 

ㅤ

hence why you found yourself face to face with cater. all of your efforts for the past few days to avoid him having gone to waste by one simple run-in with him. while you perceived it as accidental, it was surely not accidental on cater’s part as he had moved his schedule around in order to bump into you. 

ㅤ

“can i talk to you?” he asked. it would be very childish of you to ignore him, so you agreed despite your brain desperately telling you to not. it didn’t take long for cater to bring you to a quieter place, and fortunately for you, it wasn’t the botanical garden. 

ㅤ

“so, what’s up?” you asked hesitantly. 

ㅤ

“why have you been ignoring me lately?” he cut straight to the point, even though you had hoped he would be slightly less blunt. 

ㅤ

“oh, i have? sorry,” you tried to play it off but the way you fidgeted with your hands wasn’t necessarily giving the image of an honest and completely relaxed person. 

ㅤ

“huh? that’s it?” he looked at you with a confused expression. “no reason? ‘cause if there is one, i’m willing to listen.”

ㅤ

a sigh slipped passed your lips causing cater to stare at you in anticipation. “you don’t have to worry about it, cater! it’s my own problems,” you reassured him that it had nothing to do with him, which was very much true. they were your own issues, nothing that cater had any part in. 

ㅤ

“you say that, then continue to ignore me. so it seems like it’s my problem too,” cater spoke calmly, but you could tell there was some level of hurt and irritation behind his words. his voice expressed that. 

ㅤ

“i’m fine, honestly,” you poorly attempted to convince him that nothing was wrong. but, cater knew you better than that.

ㅤ

“is this...” he coughed, “about me rejecting you?” he slid his hands into his back pockets, awkwardly rocking back and forth in some kind of anxious manner. 

ㅤ

your expression changed for a split second. from discomfort to nervousness and cater had caught that. so, he didn’t believe you when you told him, “no, it’s not to do with that.” ‘that’. you couldn’t even call it what it was. rejection. heartbreak, even. 

ㅤ

a moment passed by. then a minute. “well,” cater mumbled. “go on, explain what’s wrong! we aren’t leaving here ‘til we do so.” he playfully exclaimed.

ㅤ

“huh?!” you cocked your eyebrow at his absurdity. “what if i just leave? it’s not like you can keep me here.” although he knew he wasn’t serious and was simply trying to make the atmosphere a little bit less pressuring, you decided to joke as well.

ㅤ

“oo, so there is something wrong!” he called you out. his amusing remark had turned out to be a trap he had set. you let out a groan. “come on,” he whined.

ㅤ

“it’s not that big of a deal. i guess i just think there’s something wrong with me,” you explained, refusing to make eye contact as the subject was rather sensitive for you.

ㅤ

“what do you mean? are you sick?” he asked, worriedly. 

ㅤ

“no, no, nothing like that. it’s just,” you paused, trying to think of how to word this. but, you decided the best way would be honesty. “ever since, well, you know i confessed and stuff. i just kind of thought maybe there was something wrong with me..?”

ㅤ

“why? is it my fault? did i say something?” cater tried to look into your eyes but failed when you stepped back.

ㅤ

“no, cater. don’t worry. i just.. it doesn’t make any sense. i don’t know. i just thought that maybe there’s a reason you didn’t like me back? i know you can’t control your feelings for somebody, so i don’t blame you. but what if i act weird or look weird? what if everybody perceives me as somebody who’s unlikable. i just think there could be something wrong with me,” you rambled on. 

ㅤ

cater seemed surprised at what you had told him. however, he didn’t let his shock stop him from providing you comfort. “are you serious? there’s nothing, and i mean nothing, wrong with you! i love who you are and i love having you around. so i felt really bad when you started avoiding me. just know that i’m glad to have you, and i know many other people find you very likable.” 

ㅤ

“i’m sorry for avoiding you and thank you, but are you sure?”

ㅤ

“i’m serious, duh! i never could have asked for a better friend by my side. i know plenty of people are nrc that find you very lovely!” he seemed so stunned that you would even dare to think of yourself in such a negative light. “please, next time tell me if something’s wrong! i know it’ll be hard, but i always wanna be there for you. us against the world, of course— or at least nrc because taking on the world would be too tiring.” you chuckled at him getting slightly off track before he continued on the original subject. “honestly, care less about how other people perceive you, ‘kay? ‘cause i guarantee it’s only you who thinks that way. and even if somebody does perceive you badly, just know that i see you as a very cool and fun person. so who do you believe more! a stranger or me!” that wasn’t even a question, you believe him more and you always will. 

ㅤ

“i will, thank you, cater. i feel better now.” before you knew it, cater had pulled you in for a hug, as he made sure you knew how much you were appreciated through the sheer tightness of his hold. he hoped that with his reassurance, you’d be able to view yourself the same way he views you. even though he knew it would take some time, eventually, you’ll get there. 

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland headcanon #twst #twst hcs #twst headcanons #twst fic #twisted wonderland fic #twisted wonderland fanfiction #cater diamond #twst cater #cater twisted wonderland #🧩ﾟ. — files ?! #unrequited crush #rejection #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #twst imagines

[finniestoncrane]

Hello! , if it is not a bother I was wondering if I could request number 9?

I’m mixed but am white (Italian, German, African American, Scottish). I currently reside in California but I moved around a lot in childhood from Maine to Massachusetts. I am neurodivergent with recognized depression, and anxiety. I play guitar, listen to music, doodle occasionally, play video games, write, study herbology, and love to engage in theoretical discussions about science and/or spirituality. My favorite colors are forest green, black and ice blue. I love all music except for trucks and drugs country music. I’m especially fond of Blondie, Hozier, The Buzzcocks, The Toy Dolls, No Doubt, Colter Wall, and 1950’s crooners. I love action films and noir films (James Stewart, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra..) I enjoy learning about history and where traditions come from, as well as herbology, and quantum mechanics. I love reading comics. I also enjoy watching Rick and Morty, South Park, and The Simpsons. I have both ear lobes pierced but rarely wear earrings, I also have my cartilage pierced. I want to get a tattoo of a horse for someone who was close to me, and a tattoo of Yellowstone National Park because my father would take me nearly every summer when I was a teenager. I am a natural brunette and tend to dye my hair whatever color I feel like, currently it’s “Starry Night.” A blueish black with highlights as it fades out. I have hazel brown eyes (they change color if the light hits them right and makes them a pretty ember.) I have a marking nearish my left kidney from a kidney stone procedure.

I apologize if I added too much, or if it is too much.

🎀 No.9: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone 🎀

tell me a little bit about yourself and i'll give you a rogue pairing a/n: ah i hope this wasn't too obvious of a pick but i truly think this is so right! and don't be sorry, this was perfect 💚 1k milestone info! 🔞minors dni🔞 • kofi • tag: finnie1k

ok so first of all, the three states you've mentioned are all ones, for the most part, that i (as a non-american) associate with nature, especially maine and california for the forests and trees. so you have a connection with plant life

depression and anxiety, i feel ya on that one, and i think ivy would too? she takes on quite a burden and deals with it in a solitary fashion. i think he worries and fears stem from the world being cruel and unforgiving, mostly humanity, and that's true of a lot of people with anxiety or depression

your creative energy is so obvious, and i think that's something ivy would appreciate. gentle music, beautiful art, anything you could gift to her that came from your soul and was made organically. given that she's definitely the kind of girl who sends immense amounts of flowers for every gift, all grown by her of course, it makes sense that she'd love to receive a "home-grown" gift in return

pam is a scientist, and she's deeply spiritual at least in the sense that she's open to feeling nature and healing powers, so she'd be up for a debate on the subject, or even just long nights discussing it with you in depth, especially if you both agree or can offer some information or insights the other hasn't ever considered before

your favourite colours remind me of those precious dark sky spots within deep forests, where nature is untouched and you can see the stars clearly because there's very little civilisation around you. a perfect spot for spending time with pam, and the fact that your hair matches that is so neat!!

the crooners and the noir films are giving off so much romance and lovey-dovey vibes and i can't think of anyone more deserving of some genuine romance than ivy. i think along she'd be interested in older things, from a nostalgic point of view in relation to the aesthetics only, given that gotham is her home

ok so history, herbology and science are all very pam things! it's almost perfect, like you were made for each other! traditions, especially relating to preserving and appreciating nature, are close to her heart. and someone on the same intellectual level with her with regards to science would mean she has someone to talk to about those things, meaning she's not as alone anymore

a tattoo of a park??? are you kidding me? nature tattoos would be an exceptional edition to your already perfect self, and she'd appreciate it to no end. same with the little mark on your body from your procedure, anything that makes you unique and natural and a piece of art. and your eyes changing colour from the hues of the earth and of wood to the sun and the flowers would have her completely enamoured

#finnie1k #finnie writes

[ladystormcrow]

❄️Share a snippet from a WIP of your choosing.

☔Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

🌤️Share your favorite piece of dialogue from your WIP.

❄️From the currently-being-worked-on second chapter of Trio Sonata:

Meg laid a hand on her shoulder. It was meant to be reassuring, but as Christine’s anxiety started to rise, it felt like a threat.

“Please tell me what’s really going on, Christine.” Her dark eyes were wide, intense, imploring. “Are you in danger? Is the Phantom threatening you?” She paused. “Did he do something to the vicomte?”

“No!” She flinched away from Meg’s touch. “It’s not like that. No one’s in danger.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

~~~

☔ I've mentioned in past asks that if I were to go back to my Megamind fanverse fics (Life Is What Happens and The Storm And The Stars), there are a number of things I would change that would probably require rewriting the story from the beginning.

The biggest ones involve Wayne/Music Man's relationship with my OC Danielle Dymond. I know it's a popular headcanon that Wayne is somewhere under the LGBTQ umbrella, and I would want to incorporate that more into his thoughts and backstory, and how it continues to impact him now (since being involved with a cis woman like Danielle doesn't make him straight). I would also choose to keep the Scott parents alive, since I feel like killing them off pre-story as I did missed out on a lot of plot potential for them finding out their son is alive, and exploring how they'll interact with Danielle and her family (not just the racial and social class differences, but how the Dymonds are a loving and supportive family, while the Scotts are ... not so much). I also wasn't a believer in ACAB when I wrote the original fic, and I would change Danielle's ending so that, instead of rejoining the police force, she stays at the community center and starts training volunteers for a neighborhood watch-esque organization.

One other big plot idea for these two that I planned to explore in a future fic involves Danielle unexpectedly getting pregnant. She does want the child, so Wayne, terrified that a potentially superpowered fetus might kill her, goes to Megamind and begs him to find a way to shut off his powers so she can safely carry the baby to term -- including offering himself up for Megamind to experiment on. Megamind then has to deal with the awkward, complicated feelings of finally discovering how to weaken his former rival, but not being able to enjoy it like he once would have.

~~~

🌤️ From Katabasis (which is still technically a WIP, thought it really is almost done), the whole coversation between Kira and SilSol in Chapter 8 is one of my favorites, but these lines in particular:

“... No apology can undo the harm my kind have done,” he said, after a long and weighted pause. “But I want to offer one anyway. Kira, I’m sorry. I’m so terribly sorry. Not just for what my dark shard did. For everything.” 

Kira lowered her wings, her shoulders tensing as she looked up at him. “And what? You want me to say I forgive you?”

SilSol did not answer, but the way his corona flickered suggested that was exactly what he’d been hoping. 

“Well, I don’t,” she snapped. “You’ve done nothing to deserve forgiveness. You killed people, you ruined our world, and as soon as you were one again, you ran away and left Jen and me to clean up your mess.” 

His corona dimmed abruptly. “That was never our intention. We feared bringing more harm to Thra if we stayed! We believed you were the rightful guardians of your world’s Crystal.” 

She thought of the ragged, wheedling Skeksis who had confronted her and Jen, desperately insisting he only wanted peace. How, as soon as it was clear they wouldn’t fall for his lies, he had tried to murder Jen and had given Kira to the others to be killed. “Did you truly believe that? Or were you just too afraid to face what you’d done?”

“Would you have wanted us to stay?” His tone was still calm, but there was an edge to it. 

Kira’s eyes narrowed in anger. “You could have at least done something. All you did was go home and try to forget everything.” She didn’t know this for sure - it was a guess based on their earlier story - but from the way SilSol’s corona turned gray, she knew her words had struck a nerve. “And you’re only here now because your own world’s in danger. You don’t care about Thra, or any of us.” 

“That is not true!” The glow in his eyes brightened like a flaring ember. “You are not the only one who worries for Jen now, Kira. I may have been skekSil the Chamberlain, but I was also urSol the Chanter. I raised Jen with urSu and the others. I loved him like my own child, and I still carry that love now. I want to save Thra not merely because it’s right, but because it means saving him!”

#asks #crow writes a thing

[theninthdoor]

jennie || on & off camera personality; tarot reading

✦ On Camera Personality:

cards: ten of cups, strength, hierophant (three of cups)

On camera, Jennie tries to come off as wholesome and put-together as possible, as she's extremely aware of her position and the responsibilities and expectations associated with it. This image, though, is almost too perfect; it's heavily idealized. She's trying to keep up a front that is flawless; the appearance of someone who has reached peak happiness in life. However, this is due to her wanting to avoid looking ungrateful or to give people more ammunition against her. At this point, she knows more or less what people like, and what will keep them from turning on her, so that's what she resorts to. It is very hard for her to get a foot out of the square she has drawn around her, which leads to her looking a little too restrained and unresponsive at times, but it keeps her safe - both idol Jennie and "real life" Jennie. At last, as much as she lacks vulnerability and raw emotion when she's on camera, she serves as a very good pillar of strength and as a stabilizer when everything/everyone else is disordely or overly emotional. Specially when she is around the other Blackpink members, she can provide some balance to make sure it all runs smoothly even when all of the members are pulling the rope in different directions.

✦ Off Camera Personality:

cards: ten of swords (moon reversed, ace of swords), king of pentacles, justice

When she's off camera, her exhaustion, anxiety and fears come all crashing down on her. Because she doesn't have to pretend to be perfect and happy any longer, she lets all of her walls down and surrenders herself completely to the negativity that she was forced to push away while on camera. Unlike Rosé (as we saw here), who is constantly going over these things whenever she's going about her normal life, Jennie might just let it all out in one big cry and move on. Truly, she just seeks to find clarity and peace of mind, so facing the dark side of her mind and heart is necessary for her in those particular moments. At the same, though, we can see that off camera Jennie is extremely dependable, stable and disciplined. She takes her commitments very seriously, both personally and in regards to her career. Plus, building long-term financial security is a very big focus for her, so she might spend a lot of her time creating connections and learning about new business opportunities that could help her achieve that goal. It might even surprise some people to see how much more serious and logical Jennie is in real life, compared to the image she puts out when she's on camera. She's a no-nonsense person, honest and fair; she has no problem letting her truths out, and neither is she easily manipulated by others.

✦ What off camera personality traits would she like to show on camera?

cards: four of pentacles, chariot, two of wands

I don't think Jennie has a lot more that she wants to show on camera, to be completely honest. She's pretty satisfied with the control that she has due to her image, and how it allows her to keep certain things private and away from public scrutiny. If anything, she'd just like to show more of her ambitious, disciplined and driven side - perhaps behind the scenes things, when she's making deals and leading a team in a creative project. Additionally, it feels like she'd enjoy if people showed more recognition for her vision and creativity, as well as for her potential outside of just being an idol. However, in that sense, she might actually be looking into finding ways to show that off in the future. It could be through a number of very diversified projects, or even through personal content (on her youtube channel, for example).

(Disclaimer: all readings are alleged and for entertainment purposes only.)

#kpop tarot #kpop #blackpink tarot #jennie kim #jennie tarot reading #blackpink jennie #jennie kim tarot