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lucaajex · 3 years

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Log Entry 6

Tuesday 3 August 2021

**SUICIDAL TRIGGER WARNING**

Hello Fellow Celestials,

Oh boy, what a roller coaster ride post military is. Not a lot to talk about but also ALOT to talk about. I’m extremely drowsy since I was doing some rearranging and clean. I am not even done. But let’s begin with the nice & funny stuff first then into the mental and emotional unwellness I’ve been dealing with. So yes this may be lengthy because I am going to involve more transparency with my mental and emotional unwellness. This is for me (relief) and others (you aren’t alone).

The funny and nice stuff.

So you guys are aware I was playing Animal Crossing: NH. Well it’s a drug addiction now. Thou today took a break from it since I was trying to get emergency wagons and breakout bag in order. Yes I am paranoid, and no not of zombies…. Yes of zombies. Anyways, I made this awesome friend from one of the ACNH communities, absolutely LOVE her. She funny, sweet and absolutely a gem. I intend to try and visit her next year. She knows about my whole ordeal about just getting out. Then I made another friend tonight. I’m on a roll. She’s absolutely sweet, alot more social than me. I just wanna be wrapped in my blanket on the couch. But the awesome part is she leave in west LA right and she works in the field I’m trying to go into. Now I know I haven’t really talked about that, thou I think that’s another time type convo. Moving on. We plan to have a little get together so that will be super sweet. Joined a hiking Reddit page so I can try to do more hiking. Though when your kid is tired 2 steps in and you leave 1.5 hrs away from your best friend. Lately been on a American Gods high. It’s alright but I don’t appreciate that girl getting with the leprechaun. Nay nay don’t like it. HE’S MINE!!!!! In fact I still don’t like her till this moment but I have been informed that will change. I assure it will not.

-Post break-

Wednesday 04 Aug 2021

Sooooooo I fell asleep as I was writing that last bit. Been trying to finish the entry all day. Oh well. To continue as I was saying.

I just watched the Leprechaun die and needless to say… I’m watching something else now. It was noble of Deadwife to try and resurrect him but she should’ve put it on his chest vs in his hand …. The writers. I get it. “Ted just kill em off. Both of them. Yea even thou the blood she needs is on her boot.” Dramatic eye roll.

Alright into the gritty. Why did I skip 2-3 weeks? Mental unwellness & emotional unwellness.

The transition to this side of the fence has not been a smooth one. By now I should have been fully enrolled in school, but I am not thanks to not (still) receiving my discharge form. Oh no worries, I am Honorably discharged but I don’t have my paperwork. I’ve interviewed and interviewed and changed my resume and talked and blah blah blah. I get the same answers: 1 “You’re over qualified”, 2 “You are what we are looking for”. It’s frustrating and annoying. After having an interview with a company I TRULY wanted to work for, it didn’t happen. Making me question myself. I know I’m a hard work, dedicated and devoted but no one will give me the chance to prove it. It’s angering. I felt unwanted for work when I was perfectly qualified and able, and I felt unwanted for love. As a whole, I felt completely like shit at the rock of a shit rock. Not to add, the issues with parenting an extremely social child with the love language of touch and time. I’m an introvert that would be fine if I went put in solitary confinement. I need a break, I need help, I need to work. I once told a coworker, “Unfortunately our new people cannot displace their stress properly. I know people always say I never get stressed at work but I do, you don’t see it because I put the stress right back into my work” without that outlet, I’m getting clogged. Feeling useless, unwanted and suicidal because I don’t think I am capable any longer.

>What keeps me?

<My daughter.

>Yea but you said.

<I fear for the safety and wellness of my daughter and believe it or not. I do not trust ANYONE to properly care for my daughter and if you knew my reasons, nor would you.

>Well take a break

<Ahahahahahaha.

We won’t go there because I’ll stir up my hatred again.

I try to accept the being alone thing but to be honest, it’s a very tough pill to swallow. VERY TOUGH. Finding work, well I’ve been trying to remedy that by not giving up. Building my own business, applying constantly and applying for help while I try to regain my independence. I lie awake at night getting 1 hr of sleep for the night. Thinking to myself, the pros and cons of taking my life. Many pros, but few cons that outweigh the pros. Laying there thinking about the narcotics in my cabinet. For 2 weeks, I had been swallowed into the dark room of my depression. Endless crying, endless rage, endless feeling betrayed and like a failure. My father deserved a better daughter, my daughter deserves a better mother.

>So then… now what?

< There’s a saying, “Grab the bull by the horns”… Well, we are going the cut the head off and feast like the kings of old.

I did what I know works. Routine, keep busy, work out, finding something to do, creating. I will, as I have always, overcome this set back.

King Luca

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