#but my sleepy brain says that it would become too complicated to tie her as well and to have a four way venn diagram

[ziracona]

so can u tell us a little about ur characterization of Lisa?? What's she like inside and outside of trials? Does she have a lot of lucidity, what were her relationships with others like, would she ever get better, do you think? ( im SAD.) Just. What's she like!! Also, same for Sally? Oh! And I'm rly enjoying two songs by Meg Myers which maybe you'll like? Running up that hill (Cover) and Desire. Maybe check em out? :3 - Sleepy

Sure!

My Lisa is from a bit before the archives for her placed her (early 1970s), because I wrote ILM back when there was no date given for many killers or survivors, so I just hoped they were historically accurate with the things they did mention & went through a fairly exhaustive list of drained swamps in the Southern US & paddleboat makes & placed her according to that data (it’s been a bit so I don’t remember the exact date without looking up my notes) in the 1920s-1930s, I believe? And in her early 20s, since she’s described as a girl & young woman, which DbD usually does only for characters in their early 20s. (Which I’d still assume is her age, bc even though her archives, if you go by them, have her in her teens, they’re not connected to the events of her disappearance/definitely happened before them.)

In trials, Lisa has like 0 lucidity. I talk about this some in chapter notes, so I’ll try to give a quick overview instead but sry if I restart myself. She’s so starved that any time she sees a living being, she is just completely overcome with hunger and can’t do anything but operate on it. Very scary. Feral. Like being attacked by a starving animal. She’s super out of it, and is completely wild and violent and has no control, only the need to eat. Outside of trials, if no one is around, she’s lucid again, but will remember trials and what she did to people, and spends that time in horror and despair. She’s tried to kill herself before, because the last thing she ever wanted was to become the thing she swore vengeance on (the Entity’s a real cruel motherfucker. Did the same to Rin, to Philip, to everyone it could. Likes to really twist decent people into what they would most despair to be), but in the realm, she’s stuck as it. She’s not really aware for trials, but remembers them with decent clarity, and is in constant agony over what she’s done. Unfortunately, suicide does not take in the realm, and every one of her attempts failed, just like her attempts to maim or tie herself up so she wouldn’t be able to hurt people did. She’s horribly alone and despairing, and also in physical agony. She’s at the worst end of what a human can be at as far as emaciation and starvation while still being alive goes, and that’s physically awful. It fucks up your brain chemistry too, and everything is just really fucking miserable all the time. It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe, your breath smells tastes like rotten fruit but in a way that’s so much worth than that can sound. She’s so hungry, her addons are things like dragonfly wings consumed to give her extra stamina. That’s the kind of bare sliver of relief she ever gets. God, poor Lisa’s life is hell. She’s completely heartbroken and isolated and almost dead. As far as relationships go, she didn’t have any for a long time. No one can really interact with her, because she goes feral at the sight of food. She’s kinda utterly alone. But briefly, when Alex, Philip, Vigo, Benedict, and Sally were a group, she kind of got stumbled into, and after a kind of nasty first encounter, was able to regain lucidity around other people, and had a truly sweet and memorable and invaluable bit of time with love and friends and other people. She was kind of in love with Sally, who did her hair for her and was really kind to her, and Sally liked her too. They were close. Lisa was close with all of them. But when things ended the way they did, the Entity took that away. Lisa remembers it, but she could never get them or it back, and was cast aside and left behind until the end of ILM, when she finally got peace and found happiness in finally getting to be at rest in the arms of a friend. Overal, she’s a fairly young and wide-eyed, bright, cautious, fun and sweet girl by nature, now massively traumatized and hopeless and broken, but still with a truly incredible amount of that kind nature retained. She would have really loved reading fantasy novels aloud and exploring the worlds of lore and history, travelling, seeing other cultures and geographic features and animals. Enjoys fashion too, and has a heart for designing and making cool, personal and cultural and symbolic tied designs, and would have been both great at that and loved it if she’d lived long enough. (Shoutout to @artianaiolanthe who inspired the fashion take & it is so suited to her I love it). A little shy, but an extrovert at heart under it, just a nervous one. Loved people. Liked climbing trees and fording brooks and baking bread and throwing rocks and baseballs to knock a target out of a tree and win a prize at little town fairs. Didn’t get the length or quality of life she was owed, and it’s just not fair or okay at all. Liked to watch the stars.

As far as getting better goes, mentally, totally. If they could get her out of the realm or break the Entity’s connection, she’d immediately stop killing. She has never done it of her own free will. She’s a sweet small town kid who was just trying to live her life. As far as physically goes though, Lisa is in one of the worst possible spots. Unlike say Amanda, who was on death’s door but healed by the Entity, or the Legion, who weren’t injured at all, Lisa was on death’s door and like Adiris, did not get healed. Just preserved in that near-death state and forced to work in it. Honestly, it’s possible she could survive long enough to get to a hospital and be saved, but at best, she’d probably live another year. When you starve, your body begins to catabolize/eat your own tissue to save itself, starting with fat, and ending with muscles and organs, which, when it reaches the heart, kills you. Lisa was so close to dead, the organ damage was probably awful, and would leave her with complications that would take her very young. The most likely thing, since she was saved literally seconds before death, would be for her to step outside the realm and immediately die. However, it’s possible she got lucky on body damage and could be saved—kinda up to interpretation—and if say, she was around for Quentin’s Vigil going healing batshit, and got some organs repaired that way, she’d have a real shot. (I also am sad. Lisa was actually the only determinate character in ILM to me/that I wasn’t sure the ending for, and while I am very happy with what ended up being her closure, I also would like to see her live for even more love and peace TuT. Lol, if I ever end up doing my goddamn four fate route fics like I’ve joked now a truly dangerous number of times about doing [>.> me @ me] then maybe she will get a variety of lives in the end). I’m glad you wanted to know! I really like and pity her. This poor kid really did nothing wrong, much like Rin, and just got eternally tortured for asking for help and justice against the monsters who took her life so violently. Fuck Brittany. (Read: the Entity.)

Ahhhh Sally. My sweet, sweet girl. Uhhh, not sure which of the Lisa questions you meant for her too, so I’ll try to speed-answer them all? Sally’s intelligent and understanding and thoughtful, patient, polite, almost elegant despite how impoverished she spent most of her life—she just tries to act like a lady and treat people with as much respect and esteem as she can (unless they suck lol). She’s also very mentally damaged and not there though, and has extremely unstable mood swings, especially into despair. Her relationships with the other killers were limited. She talked to & was on polite terms with any who would talk to her and not be condescending or a dick so openly she’d pick up on it (so like, on cordial terms with Evan, Herman, Caleb if she’d been there that long, but not like, Kenneth or Freddy or someone who wouldn’t bother to put up an act). But mostly, after figuring out she wasn’t really of any use to them, they quit communicating with her. Sally has been extremely isolated since shortly after being taken. She believes that the survivors are innocent and suffering and knows that they don’t deserve the hunt, but has no way to stop the whole system, and has been convinced by the Entity that if she does a good job and earns moris, the ones she strangles to death get to stay dead instead of coming back after death to suffer endlessly again, so she works very dedicatedly and slowly trying to earn kills to save them. It took her physical eyes when it got her and lets her see through it’s powers, and uses that to randomize what survivors look like in her memory so she doesn’t catch wise it’s the same people over and over and she’s not saving them at all. It’s extremely tragic. God it’s one of the most cruel Entity tricks, which is saying a lot. Poor gentle woman is Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill day after day year after year and she doesn’t even know how hopeless and meaningless it all is. : (

When the Vigo-Philip-Alex-Benedict team was going, though, she met and attacked, then was convinced to instead befriend them, and quickly became very attached and well liked by them. Met Lisa while with the group, and became extremely fond of her and loving towards her and was truly, truly happy for a brief period of time. Still remembers her, even as lost as all her memories are. Not her name, but what she looked like to Sally, and how her hair felt, and how nice it was. Sally would have considered everyone in that group a dear friend, and in ILM, Philip most definitely becomes her deepest, closest, and best friend, just like she does to him. She’s a very faithful woman to her soul. Loved her family, loved her husband and mourned him, worked as hard as she could. Cared for her patients, and did her best in that hell until the Entity slowly whittled away at her sanity until it broke her mind and left her convinced the only way to end their pain would be to give them death, and she had to do it to save them. Sally loves little pretty things and neatness and collections. Flowers, bows and ribbons, china and colored glass. She would have treasured gifts like decorative holiday cards and carved animal figures and left them on her mantle or carefully tucked in lovingly organized and decorated books she could open to revisit the memory. Likes dresses and skirts and the way the wind feels. Hopeful and very enduring. Loving. Had a mom heart, and will never really get entirely over the loss of her children, but is strong and kind and will find new love that makes life still worth living in other people. Will remember both kindness and cruelty a long, long time. Loved Quentin from the second he gave her flowers (Dwight: Quentin, why did the entity let you have three moms? Quentin: Because I fucking earned it >:[“ [author’s note: he did. God that poor kid...]). Loved Kate from the day she sat with her in a hospital and held her hand. Is like that. Remembers small kindness and treasures them.

Sally could definitely recover. Not all the way probably, physically or mentally, but by far enough to be complete and happy and realized and who she wants. She never meant to hurt people, so she really just needs some stability, and I think she finds that with her new family. I mean, it is a lot to adjust to. It’s been like nearly 100 years. The Entiry broke her mind, and she’s got some damage that just probably can’t ever be fixed, but a lot can be, with drugs and treatments and therapy and kindness and a good support system, and honestly, the biggest things she needs are people to keep her memories together and herself present, and influences to protect her from being manipulated and controlled now that she’s so suggestible and easy to hurt, and she’s got that. I am 100% certain that while some things—the scatteredness, the ease of slipping into other moods especially deep sadness, the different way of thinking altogether—never leave her, she gets better in the most important ways and is truly happy and quite functional and what she wants to be. While there’s no way (yet anyway lol. Cybernetics that good when?) to give her new eyes since the Entity ripped hers out, and she’s blind now, and can’t be changed, her seeing eye dog does a great job for her, and she’s very happy and adjusts well. She has a lot of friends to be her eyes, and learns to lean into what she can do and has a quite fulfilling and blissful life outside the realm in ILM.

Also: thanks for the recs! I’m going on a run soon, and I’ll add those to my iPod and give ‘em a listen if I can. Hope this answered what you wanted to know! ^u^

#ask #sleepy #in living memory (fic) #in living memory #ilm spoilers #dead by daylight #Lisa Sherwood #Sally Smithson #long post

[kyberphilosopher]

Chapter Seven

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

About a month after Talik gave me glitteryll, I almost killed someone. Maybe worse.

I can remember the whole thing very clearly, because it was going to be the worst thing I’d ever done. And I know how it all ended now, but it could’ve been much worse and that’s not saying much. I still feel an enormous amount of guilt from it.

I mentioned before that there’s a type of drug called spice. I told you a story about the time I got kriffed off of glitteryll. I told you I had ingested it through my nose right? Well, there are other ways to take the stuff. One way in particular that could destroy you and your life.

Don’t ever mix glitteryll with a drink.

When you mix this specific spice with a liquid, it dilutes itself. It still alters the brain, sometimes continues to cause hallucinations, but it makes anyone who takes it overtly sleepy and too focused on their brain turning to mush to be fully aware of what’s happening to them. I’m sure you can imagine what this concoction is mainly used for.

I don’t know why Talik wanted me to do it, but she did. It must’ve been related to our job somehow. I never got the answer to that question. But we were sitting at a Cantina on Sriluur when Kip and Mur stepped away, leaving us alone with K-19. Jarvers had opted to stay and watch the ship. It’s a good thing too, because I would’ve been ashamed to do what I did in front of him.

Talik had wanted me to take spice before, but this time she wasn’t pushing it at all. Instead, she seemed to have her heart set on someone neither of us knew taking the spice. A human woman, with dark skin and amber eyes. I remember finding her to be inherently beautiful for her full, plum colored lips and magnificently sharp jaw. In honesty, I would’ve caught myself eyeing her shyly throughout the night if things hadn’t taken a different course.

But my Twi’Lek friend had other ideas. She pushed a cup of something towards me, nudging at me to put the spice inside. “Come on,” she purred slyly, running a finger down my jaw. “What’s the harm in playing?”

‘But why?’ I wanted to ask. I just took another swig from my own glass in an attempt to ignore the situation, but Talik wouldn’t give up. Instead, she continued to promise, “she won’t mind.”

I looked at Talik a long time, trying to determine if she was being serious and convince myself otherwise. She was looking at my lips in the sultry way that she does when she wants something. Her orbs were taking in my features as she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth.

After a few seconds that felt more like an eternity, Talik takes a hand and puts it over my own. Her fingers feel hot against my wrist, burning against the back of my palm. Her slim thumb rubbed soothing circles into the side.

Slowly, almost as if not to startle me, she guides my fingers to take the little bag of spice from her own. “There you go,” Talik praises, stretching my fingers until the spice is over the cup. “Good girl.”

My hand, held by her own, tilts the packet over until the dust falls into the cup. Something in my stomach was screaming at me to stop. Something inside of me was making my heart stop. But the spice had already entered the cup and begun dissolving.

Talik’s fingers leave my skin the moment it’s done. “I’m going to use the restroom,” she said, already moving on while my eyes were still glued to the liquid. “Here, use my credits to send it to her.” And then she tapped the bar counter a few times and walked away.

I looked up to the woman. She was looking around the room with her quiet eyes, sipping out of a cup while fiddling with the scarf around her slender neck. There would be a second where her eyes would meet my own, catching me off guard with how attractive she truly was from the front.

To the corner of the room was a man. His hood was up, but I could see a long, black streak across his nose and cheeks. His eyes were bright too, but blue in contrast to her golden ones. I could see how he was looking at her, and then I understood.

Not long later, the man would come up to the bar to order something. When he wasn’t paying attention, I swapped the cup with the spice in it with the drink he ordered. The man drank it. I couldn’t bring myself to send it to that woman, who ended up leaving the cantina in the clear. The man, however, ended differently.

I find Samson and Claeg’s sister with her face in the mud on the side of the mountain. It’s turned to the side, but only slightly. Only enough to identify her clearly. Her fingers are trapped with clunks of mush between them, as if she were trying to claw herself away. Her long dark hair is fanned out, dirtied from top to bottom. Flies buzz around her with low hums, letting me know that the festering, burning orange hole in her back isn’t a hallucination.

I know who did it immediately. It was the Inquisitor. The one I left alive.

I exhale slowly, looking at her and trying not to admit the sorrow I feel. In honesty, I rarely even feel guilt anymore. It’s become a constant.

And you can call me a bad person all you want, whether you believe in the concept of good and evil or not, but I don’t do anything. I walk past her after a moment, wondering if Samson or Claeg will ever find her. I’m sure they will, when Samson begins to gather on his own and he comes up the path. But he may not be able to identify her corpse by then, and walk past completely unaware of the girl’s bloodline.

          I make my way into the mountain, and through more tunnels that were dug out by the Empire. No Stormtroopers are on duty, no officers fidgeting with buttons. Most of the rooms I pass through are devoid of all light and most electricity. Like the village I stayed in, it all feels very dead, leading me to wonder if the whole system is like this now.

I find the hanger with all the Tie-fighters easy enough. It’s just past a metal archway that leads to the outside platform. As usual of the Empire, they’re lined in uniform rows tethered to the ground.

Stormtroopers really are the most useless soldiers in existence. Say what you will about the Republic- I certainly do- but the Clones were vigilant. Arguably a little too much so. These Stormtroopers are lazy and unwise to leave their valuable transports unattended.

I choose the fighter at the end of the platform, on my right side. I figure it being close to the edge will make it easier to fly away without knocking stuff over, because I honestly don’t care enough to inconvenience the Empire. I may not like them much at all, but I still don’t want any trouble more trouble than they’ve already brought me.

I undo the cable with ease, tossing it over the side with little care. I watch it disappear into the layer of mist below. I climb up and into the hatch above, dropping down with a clang. The inside of the ship is about the same as the other, though far more dusty.

I can somewhat remember how Garreth turned the thing on. It feels a little off for me to do- like he’s moving through my hands in a way. The thought of that pokes something inside of me, so I immediately stop. Unfortunately, a voice continues to nag in the back of my mind.

I flip the switch above me. Then my left hand wraps around a stick below and squeezes the back. There’s a jolt, and the Tie-fighter rises into the air smoothly and silently. I press another button to rotate the ship to the side, and then the thrusters hum to life.

I get the hang of flying easier than I was expecting. Flying a Tie-fighter is smooth and  crisp. The turns are sharp, but soft if you get it right. It’s not difficult to go fast, but you can slow yourself down if you want to. Based on what I’ve seen, the Imperial pilots don’t have much time to do that. It’s actually rather relaxing. So relaxing, in fact, that I don’t leave the systems atmosphere right away. I float around the mountains, getting used to the controls made by slaves that serve the government I hate so much, just taking in how nice the ride is.

I like thinking. I find going through all the mysteries of the universe in my own little space clarifying. It can both put, and take things out of perspective. Sometimes I think that I’m an extremely lucky person. Most times I get so angry at the Maker in a slow, dull way that burns the inside of my brain but leaves my facial expression sorrowful and bored. Back with Mur’s crew, they usually knew not to bother trying to communicate with me when I was staring off into nothingness.

I try to think about the good things that’s happened to me. It’s just that most of the time it’s difficult to find or search for. There are times when I think I might’ve been happy in the moment, but I’m not always sure when I look back on it. Sometimes, things feel good, but I’m not happy.

I think I was happy on Bracca. I may not have totally enjoyed working day in and day out, tirelessly and endlessly, but I like using my fingers to tinker with things. I like pulling things apart that people consider complicated, and deciding for myself if it really is or not. I like braiding wires and gears- weaving them together in codes only I can understand. In another life, I think I would’ve liked being an engineer of some kind. Maybe opening a side business of my little trinkets on the side?

I could go and live on a dark little planet with a good black market, spending my days learning to fish and building whatever comes to my mind. I suppose, in that reality, if I really wanted to… I could adopt a child. A boy, who doesn’t give me a hard time but shares my fondness for the question ‘why?’. Maybe the child would look up to me- but maybe that’s why people love children so much. In most cases, your child will love and idolize you, and they won’t leave. Unconditional love.

I don’t like the word ‘love’ the way I like the word ‘why’. The word love reminds me of something I’m not ready to recount yet. It reminds me of the way I was touched, the things I said and the way it feels to burn. I’d prefer the memory to be a blank slate of whiteness, dampened and brightened by nothing but neutrality.

I snap my mind out of its world with a shake, and pull up the screen of coordinates. I begin to steer the fighter out of the sky of the system, picking up the speed. It’s not difficult to filter the tech for the closest planets, which I’m glad for. However, most of the planets nearby look a bit populated, which may not be the best move.

I turn my attention towards the Kwymar sector of the Outer Rim. I can’t recall visiting before, but I can just make out a system within its bounds. It’s not the biggest, though certainly not the smallest. I tap on it to bring up more information, and rather pleased with what I’m met with.

Seelos, a desert planet with a very low population. There’s sand, mountains, not a lot of infrastructure. In Imperial history, there was an attempt to mine in it, but the project was abandoned for an undisclosed reason.

Well, it is difficult to find systems with little to no population that the Empire doesn’t bother with. I could stay in the mountains. Learn about the local fauna and hunting and surviving. If it works out enough, perhaps I could bury the lightsabers down in the sand… forget about it all…

I program the course to Seelos on a bit of a whim. After a second of staring at the flashing orange screen, I jab my finger against it admittedly too hard. My shoulders tense up as I roll them, angling the ship for a jump into hyperspace.

As soon as I push the lever forward and the blue tunnel swirls into view, I feel sick. Surging forward, it feels like everything is moving on but my stomach, which was left behind somewhere. It hurts in a way. Threatens to roar up from the back of my throat and cloud my vision with stars.

Luckily, I pull the lever back and down, and hyperspace comes to an end. It melts away into the darkness I’m more familiar with quietly. My eyes widen at the view in front of me. It’s… it’s beautiful. I’ve never seen a system such a soft shade of white sand before. It’s almost like I can see all the individual shells hidden in it, blurring together and sinking in time with jewels. I wouldn’t mind calling it my new home, for deep down something inside of me is begging me to stay here.

The Tie-fighter enters the atmosphere, merging through clouds and wind. Seelos is covered in plains, with faint mountains in grey and purple sprouting in the distance. However, I detect something closer on my scanners that puts me off. It’s a large metal structure that I hadn’t noticed before, but not a facility of any kind.

It’s  an AT-TE Walker. One that the Republic used during the Clone Wars. But… what’s it doing all the way out here? This planet is nothing but salt desert after salt desert, mixed with bones and jewels and little else. However beautiful it may be, the metal of the Republic isn’t meant to be here.

I land the Tie-Fighter some yards away. Curiosity blooms within me, though it’s put off by the calm demeanor of the planet. Up close, I can see the contraption is abandoned. All four legs are still and upright- stiff from lack of oil or movement. I make sure both my lightsabers are at my hips before I investigate, however. Nobody survives anywhere whilst being stupid. Unless you’re a politician, I suppose.

I open the hatch and climb out. Deserts are usually hot and dry, but this temperature is mostly lukewarm yet cool. There’s a faint wind that reminds me of wind chimes. Some strands of my brown hair fall loose from my braid, though I don’t mind.

Something is pulling me towards the AT-TE. Something inside of it is pulsating with energy, drawing me closer like a magnet with my name. And I’m not sure why, but it feels sad and lonely, but still warm. Comforting, in a way that I wouldn’t understand.

As I draw nearer, I can see the all-terrain being has been somewhat modified. There was a time where I took one apart on Bracca. It didn’t bring me many credits, however, which upset me as it took quite a bit of effort.

I might have stayed for the night, if not for the voice that suddenly rings out.

“Stay right there!” they command.

Immediately, I draw both blue and green blades out in a reverse grip- the one that’s starting to grow on me. Green in front, blue in back, defensive and at the ready. I can only tell that the voice came from in or on the AT-TE, but I see no one.

“I said- stay. Right. There.”

And I know I’m a brat for thinking this, especially in hindsight, but I really wanted to yell back that I didn’t take a single step forward.

The voice is male. Something about it is familiar, rooted deep in my memories but I can’t quite place it. It has experience in bossing people around, at least. I know that for certain.

Before anything else can happen, a shot comes from above. A sniper nearly kills me, but my reflexes save me. Angling the blue saber with a bit of a twirl, the shot is deflected back into the sand on my right. When I squint while looking up, I can just make out the outline of a perched body.

I squint my eyes at the person above. Calculating a plan to kill them. I could use the Force to drag them down to my level, slit their throat quickly and quietly. I won’t do anything to hurt the walker they sit on. I could use this as a place to rest. I bet they have materials inside too.

Oh, but I can’t. Because another figure emerges from the shadows, just by one of the legs.

I could swear I’ve seen him before, like the voice I couldn’t place a second ago. He’s tall, with broad, muscular shoulders and a sharp jaw. His nose is a little hawkish, though not overly so. Thin lips, dark eyebrows with a bit of an arch. Nice skin the color of olives, dimpled with sun spots. His eyes are a luminous shade of gold and bronze and amber, something I’ve never seen before. Even at this distance, they’re piercing. Still, the thing I notice the most is the pale blond hair, shaved closely to the mans head. He’s certainly got a soldier look about him, from the way he puffs out his chest to the way he holds two blasters aimed on me.

“Where’d you get those lightsabers?” he questions, almost with a growl. “Are you Jedi?”

I study the golden eyes for a moment, keeping my knees bent in preparation. “If you’d like me to be,” I answer in turn.

“No games,” the man warns. His eyes flit to the Imperial jacket I wear, and narrow slightly. “Are you with the Empire?”

More studying him. Maker, where have I seen him before? And his voice… I’ve heard it. But where? And why do I feel I’ve heard it so many times?

“No,” I tell him simply.

“Then where did you get the jacket?”

My eyes flit between the two people. The man holding blasters, and the sniper above. “I stole it.”

“From who?” he interrogates. His upper lip curls into a bit of a snarl. Oh, he was bred for war.

“A pilot.”

The man softens his gaze. The blasters he holds lowers slightly, his eyes never leaving mine.

“Who are you?” I ask immediately, not letting my guard down. This man is unwise to do so in my presence, because I personally have little to no moral objection in killing him- killing the both of them.

“I’m Rex.”

And then something in my brain. I know where I’ve seen Rex before.

The eyes, the voice, the posture of a soldier. It’s because he is one. Or… was one.

Rex is a Clone.

#gray jedi #star wars #story #star wars fanfiction #star wars fandom #star wars story #jedi #jedi fallen order #fanfiction #fanfic #star wars fanfic #oc #seelos