#but not caring also drains the fuck out of me.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ignoring my ex's threats of suicide?

this is a very old story, but it keeps eating at the back of my brain because i feel like the asshole in the situation, even though people close to me say im not.

i (19nb) broke up with my girlfriend (16f) and told her that we may get back together in the future. we broke up because she was incredibly emotionally draining, it was a long distance relationship, and also, i felt uncomfortable being nearly 20 dating someone in high school (i was also uncomfortable with our age difference for the year prior, but thats a whole other can of worms).

after breaking up, i stayed in contact, because she was my friend and i still liked her as a friend, just not a partner. she had some pretty severe home life issues, and had made extreme comments before ("nobody loves me, everyone hates me, no one would care if i disappeared" those sorts of things). now, i personally chalked it up to be a mix of teenage angst and homelife issues, but she had never made outright threats on her life before. it was always vague, or just an outright meltdown that i would care for her during.

i told her i was taking time for myself, and would probably not date anyone. a few months pass and i meet my then partner (now spouse). i know i fucked up in not telling her that i was seeing someone new, but i didnt really want the backlash of her screaming and yelling and crying over this, so i didnt tell her we were dating, just that i was spending a few months in his country (he had a place of his own, was older and more financially stable, it made sense at the time) and we had grown close.

it came out during a call, about 2 months into me dating and living with my partner, and probably about 5/6 months after i had broken up with them. she had asked if/when i was moving back home, and i told them i didnt know, because i was planning on living in his country. she asked if i was dating him, and i didnt want to lie, so i said we were. she got incredibly hostile, telling me that i shouldnt have lied to her and that i had said i wasnt going to date anyone. she completely melted down, getting incredibly angry to the point of tears, before telling me she was going to end it.

i panicked at that point and started trying to help her through tears, telling her i would do anything, before my partner took my phone from me and blocked her on that social media, calmly telling me to message her friends the situation, and that it wasnt my issue to deal with. i finished blocking her on our other socials (with her messaging me that she was so sorry), did what he said, and waited.

her friends confirmed she was okay later, but they were upset with me for not sticking around and helping her through her suicide attempt.

i still feel like an asshole, even though its been nearly 4 years since its happened. i feel like i should have done literally anything except what i did. ik my partner did the right thing, but also. i dunno. i feel bad i guess.

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[obsidianbaby]

Don't Love Me Like A Brother - Prologue

Brothers Best Friend Series - PROLOGUE

series synopsis - ronnie's younger brother, tyler, is a famous youtuber & influencer and is best friends with the sturniolos. This series will be following ronnie's life as she befriends the triplets and catches herself developing feelings for a certain someone...

**series will contain smut as it develops but warnings will be added to those specific chapters

**found myself writing a few flashback chapters before present day just to build up the established friendships bc I'm impatient and don't want the slow burn to drain anyone 😭

warnings/notes - no smut in this as it's just the prologue to introduce y'all to the story.

a/n - starting this series and im very exciteddddddd i hope y'all fuck with a slow burn, friends to lovers best friends brother type beat. Buckle up mfs it's gonna be an angsty ride

a/n pt 2 - im not gonna share who ronnie develops feelings for just yet I want y'all to be on edge okok enjoy MWAH xx

__________________________________

PROLOGUE

ronnies pov

having a brother who's famous on social media is humbling to say the least.

The amount of fan girls who have followed my accounts just because they're obsessed with him makes me question many people's sanity (including my own).

But tyler is one of my best friends. And thank god for my dad, who from the jump, did not tolerate any misogynistic bullshit from my brother.

Raising two kids as a single dad after my mom passed away (before ty and I were older than the age of 5) was tough for him and he embraced the times when he needed support (like when i first got my period, bless his heart he bought almost every type of menstrual product off the shelf).

His values were the perfect structure for us to grow up following; respect, open communication, giving our best efforts to everything (even if the only effort we could offer up was a 60% instead of a 100%)

My childhood friends would always whine about how "chill" my dad was. And it's not cause he didn't care, (he probably cares too much) but he didn't want to shield us either, knowing we need to learn how to exist in the world without him constantly up our asses.

"As long as we can talk about shit at the end of the day then we're good" one of his favorite mantras he would spew to me and ty when we would get caught doing something you might call a "right of passage" as a teenager.

And since it was just the three of us, we've always leaned on each other a lot. Sunday family dinners at nans' every week, taking turns helping my dad at his shop after school (he's a car mechanic), movie nights every thursday night where my dad would close up shop early, setting up the projector in the shop garage and ordering us pizza. My brother has been a best friend to me since I held him in my arms at the age of 3 when he was born.

And of course, we have the usual chaotic fights to the death like most siblings do, him pranking me in the most annoying ways, me making fun of his dumbass, him eating all of my food, me stealing his cool clothes, him begging me to uber him around everywhere, etc.

But we also just really enjoy each other's company too; going on late night walks around town, sitting in bed staying up talking all night, playing mario cart for hours (id always kick his ass), going adventuring together to forests or beaches, hanging out at the skate park together (me laughing at him eating shit and him chasing me around trying to whack me with his board), us both ditching our friends to stay at home and yap to each other instead, us having campfires in the backyard with both of our friend groups together, working on restoring mom's 1967 ford mustang together that she left us when she passed.

So when he came to me a few years back, during the pandemic, asking my thoughts on him posting on youtube, I was in full support (after teasing him that no one would find him, an 18 year old lanky white boy about to graduate high school funny or interesting. I have to keep him humble ya know?)

But his first few videos on youtube went viral and his following kept growing daily, especially when he started posting on tiktok too.

He's had me (and even my dad) featured in his videos which i don't mind at all (since im the one that's editing them)

I can see why the internet loves him (i did help raise him of course).

But since he's hit over 3 million on youtube last year, he's been doing a shit ton of collabs with other influencers and youtubers; the sturniolo triplets, larray, emma chamberlain, jake webster, tarayummy, vinnie hacker, carrington, etc.

And these days I try to stay behind the scenes as much as possible, trying to enjoy my solitude away from the opinions of crazy fans. (why do they care so much about what im doing anyways?)

Yet he understands (thank god) and he's always inviting me to come hangout with the friends he's made through social media, and i can't lie and say i don't enjoy being in the company of such dope (and attractive) people.

END OF PROLOGUE

______________________________________________

a/n - hellooooo i have a few more parts already written for this but im gonna wait to see how this post goes first (because i have a dire need for validation and praise) anywaysssss thank you for reading mwah xx

#sturniolo #sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo x reader #chris x reader #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #matt x reader #chris sturniolo smut #nick sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #nicolas sturniolo #matt sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo fanfic #nick sturniolo fanfic

[isntitdelicatevivi]

﹙𝓙 ﹚𝐉𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲 ! 𝐀emond and Aegon | Modern AU.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀───────────────── 🥀

♡ ◟𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 : You are a rock star. You, Aegon and Aemond are part of a band, and Aemond discovers that you are having sex with Aegon too, and he wants exclusivity. Part 2.

♡ ◟𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 : 18+, airplane sex, dirty talk, fingering, threesome, double penetration, oral sex (m f receiving), description of a panic attack.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀───────────────── 🥀

English is not my first language, sorry.

Sitting on that fluffy couch, she wasn't paying attention to anything her manager, Corlys Velaryon, was saying. It was something about legal contracts or tour schedules; it wasn't really something she cared about at the moment. Her mind was elsewhere. Or rather, on someone else. Discreetly, with a lowered gaze, she captured the silhouette's outline on the other side of the room: the pointed nose and square jaw in profile, the light hair pinned back with black clips behind the ear. Aegon was paying close attention to what Corlys was saying with his violet eyes. Standing in the right corner of the room was Aemond. His straight fringe covered part of his face, his bare shoulders, and his exposed collarbone. There in that room, their silhouettes formed a triangle, each one in a corner; it was almost ironic, considering the situation she had put herself in. The previous week, Aegon had witnessed something extremely uncomfortable, not only for him but also for her and Aemond. Since then, none of the three had exchanged a single word with each other, and she feared they wouldn't for some time.

─ Y/N? ─ Corlys's deep voice pulled her out of her reverie, making her look up at him, his eyebrows raised, as if waiting for the answer to something, something she had no idea what it was.

─ Hm? ─ The man sighed, placing two fingers on the bridge of his nose, pressing the cartilage, and fixing his dark eyes on her again.

─ What is going on with you three? Do I have to dictate everything as if you were children? ─ She opened her lips slightly; it seemed like there were miles of distance between one and another, and the fact that they hadn't exchanged a word since they arrived made everything too obvious.

─ Sorry, we just had a busy week. ─ She replied, her eyes traveling from Aegon to Aemond, noticing how stern they were acting, not looking back at her, nor did they want to.

─ Whatever. You all get on that plane at 10pm. There's a crowd of fans in Highgarden, and I don't want you to miss the interview, understood? ─ The three of them just murmured, and with that, Corlys nodded, adjusting the white suit on his body, and then leaving the room. The door closed and the torturous silence collided with her noisy thoughts.

─ Ah-... ─ As soon as she opened her mouth and any sound came out of her lips, Aemond left. He didn't wait, didn't look at her, didn't murmur, he simply peeled his back off the wall and walked to the exit. A frustrated sigh left her throat, and before Aegon had the chance to do the same, she quickly got up from the couch, grabbing his wrist until his violet eyes were fixed on her face.

─ Aegon, please. How long are we going to keep up this silent treatment? ─ Her eyebrows curved into a sad expression, she wasn't pretending, she was genuinely upset about what had happened. In just one night, she lost the two lovers for whom she had had feelings for a long time; everything seemed to have gone down the drain in her love life, but she was willing to fight for it.

─ Silent treatment? Fuck, Y/N... Do you really want me to say something?

─ Please, Aeg... Just talk to me, even if it's to curse me out, or to say you're mad at me... Just don't ignore me, please. ─ Her fingers slowly released his wrist, she didn't let him go all at once, afraid he would leave if she did.

─ I'm not mad at you, I'm disappointed. Fuck, you were screwing Aemond... while we were- ─ He paused, because whatever he was going to say, he knew it wasn't true. ─ While we were having a thing.

─ I know, and I'm so sorry. Aegon, I couldn't help it, okay? You don't understand, I fell in love with you and with him. I didn't want you to find out that way, and I'm so sorry for that.

─ Were you even going to tell me? Or him? ─ A look of regret covered her entire face, and the guilt was evident in the way she looked at him.

─ He already knew... But wait! Aegon! He found out, I didn't tell him... But I was going to, I swear, I was just waiting...

─ Waiting for what?" He cut her off. "Waiting for one of us to ask you to be their girlfriend? And then you'd have to choose between one or the other? I never thought I’d say this, Y/N, outside of our dirty context, but... You really are a whore.

─ Aegon...

─ Don't talk to me, don't even look at me, understood? We'll do the shows, the interviews, and everything that's professionally necessary, because I'm not giving up on my dream because of you, but... personally, I don't want to even look at you anymore. You're dead to me. ─ His harsh words whipped her chest, she had never felt as miserable as she did now, and the worst part was knowing he was right. If she could, she would bury herself in the nearest hole and never seek the light again, she wanted to throw something or throw herself off something to avoid dealing with the consequences of the most passionately thoughtless acts she had ever committed.

There they were, the three of them, in front of the private jet that would take them to Highgarden. The only reason she didn't ask for a ticket on a commercial flight was because Corlys would also be there, with his grandson and "apprentice," Lucerys; and then she could play puzzles or cards with him to distract herself from the presence of Aemond and Aegon in the same place. But regret fell upon her as the pilot's voice echoed. "Corlys had an emergency, he'll meet us in Highgarden." Her face nearly fell to the floor, her knees went weak, and looking at the emergency exit behind her, she thought it was a good idea to open it and jump out, without a parachute. She shrank into the seat, gripping her phone tightly, sliding her fingers over any social network, liking posts that were merely interesting to mask her nervousness and disappointment, but not even Helaena's nonsensical and funny stories were able to calm her heartbeat.

Her entire body froze, from the hairs on the back of her neck to her little toe, she felt intense chills. She remembered the feeling perfectly; it wasn't common for her, but the last time she felt like this was when her father spent hours yelling and reaffirming how useless she was and that she would never be anything. Panic attack. Her chest tightened, the air seemed to refuse to move through her body, she felt the perfect moment when she tensed up in the seat and her senses became disabled, she couldn't move, and yet, her hands were trembling. There was a loud noise echoing in her ears when the phone fell to the floor, it sounded as invasive as the airplane's turbines, her vision blurred and she wasn't sure if it was because of the desperate tears that started to fall or because she was about to faint, and when she realized, she was hyperventilating, trembling, and crying. She couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't breathe, and although she was aware of her surroundings, it was as if her soul had abandoned her body because it wasn't obeying her. It was horrible, the noise of the turbines, and the agitation of the plane reaching a certain altitude made everything worse, she felt like she was going to die right there, sitting in the seat of a private jet, it would be tragic and dramatic.

Her chest was rising and falling as fast as the plane was flying, her breathing was as loud as the sound of her own crying, and she couldn't even distinguish if she was just crying or if she was making a scene; she was completely out of herself.

─ Y/N? Y/N! ─ She heard that voice, she felt warm fingers squeezing her knees, she saw a shadow of someone in a blur, but nothing was clear at that moment.

─ Shit, she's having a panic attack...─ Aegon said, his violet eyes meeting his brother's. It was impossible to tell which of the two was more worried. Aemond quickly walked over to him, gently pushing him aside and placing his hands on her cheeks, his thumbs wiping away her tears in an attempt to clear her vision.

─ Hey, hey... Look at me, look at me... I'm here with you... ─ Her eyes moved to the side, seeing Aemond's face more clearly, but his voice was still a distant sound. ─ Fuck, Aegon, go get a glass of water, don't just stand there like an idiot! ─ With clenched teeth, Aegon quickly got up, walked to the small fridge on the plane, and grabbed one of the water bottles. He opened it and patiently tried to bring it to her lips.

─ Let me do that. ─ Aemond contested, trying to take the bottle with one hand.

─ No! I got the water, I'm going to give it to her. ─ The older Targaryen growled, moving the bottle to the side, out of Aemond's reach.

─ Give me the bottle, Aegon, and let me take care of her properly.

─ I was the one who bothered to check on her in the first place. Go back to your seat and your shitty little world while I take care of her. ─ Aemond was about to retort, but he felt her body go limp under his fingers, which gave him just enough time to grab her shoulders before her body slumped forward.

─ Please... ─ She murmured, between tears and heavy breaths. Aemond sat down next to her, gently pulling her back to rest against his chest. He placed one hand on her forehead and wrapped the other around her waist to keep her in place. With a softer look at Aegon, he nodded, indicating that the older brother could give her the water.

─ Hey, everything will be fine... Drink a little of this... That's it, that's right... Slowly, careful not to choke... ─ Aegon guided the bottle to her lips, making her sip the liquid gently. ─ Good girl, breathe, okay? Everything will be fine...

The two brothers stayed there for minutes until she finally closed her eyes and fell asleep, her head resting on Aemond's chest, but her fingers intertwined with Aegon's.

Gently, she stirred in the seat. Aemond clearly felt the moment she tried to sit up, but he stopped her, holding her firmly yet gently by the shoulders, helping her get settled. Aegon's fingers immediately pulled both her hands towards him, and the brothers' four eyes were fixed on her face, both worried, checking her mental and physical state.

─ I'm okay... ─ She whispered, hearing Aegon's immediate sigh of relief. He picked up the water bottle next to him, still half full, and handed it to her. With her fingers still slightly trembling, she drank the remaining liquid and handed the empty bottle back to Aegon.

─ Do you want to eat something? Something sweet? ─ Aemond's voice echoed, but she shook her head in denial, pressing her fingers to her temple.

─ Are you feeling better? Can you breathe? Is everything alright? ─ Aegon bombarded her with questions and didn't wait for an answer. He pulled her from Aemond's arms, wrapping his own around her delicate figure, and hugged her tenderly, his nose brushing the top of her head, leaving a few kisses there. ─ I was worried about you. ─ He whispered, forgetting for a moment that Aemond was still there. He only realized his younger brother's presence when Aemond's possessive hands pulled her to him, almost brutally taking her from Aegon's embrace. Aemond held her against his chest, keeping her there and staring intently at his brother.

─ I was worried about you. Are you sure you're okay? ─ Aegon rolled his eyes, sliding his fingers to one of her thighs to give a reassuring squeeze and show his affection, but Aemond pushed him away, trying to keep him from her.

─ What the fuck is your problem, Aemond?! ─ He stood up, trying to look tough or something, but they both knew Aemond was the more intimidating of the two. She, of course, realized at that very moment what was happening, she was already conscious and recovered enough to understand what was going on there. And before it turned into a real fight, she pulled away from Aemond's body, pointing a finger from each hand at them.

─ Okay, okay... That's enough. I'm fine, you don't need to worry anymore. I appreciate you both taking care of me. ─ Her eyes moved back and forth, capturing their images, their faces, and their reactions.

─ I'm sorry, kitten, I didn't mean to make you nervous. ─ Aegon replied, gently touching her wrist. He left a kiss on her palm, a light smile on his lips.

─ Oh, fuck off, Aegon... And what about that talk of her being dead to you? Stop being such a hypocrite. ─ Aemond stood up, towering over Aegon, pulling her arm from his hand.

─ You listened to our conversation? Fuck you! ─ Aegon pushed Aemond's shoulders back, and she felt compelled to stand up, placing herself between them.

─ Hey, hey, hey... What did I say? That's enough! ─ Her palms pressed against each of their chests, keeping them apart. Aegon's eyes turned to her, and with one hand, he slid his fingers along her cheek, hearing Aemond growl in response. But knowing she was keeping them apart, he decided to be bolder and provoke his brother, this time, for real. In a swift move, his lips captured hers in a gentle kiss. It was calm, sweet, almost innocent, an act she didn't expect, catching her so off guard she couldn't even react against it. Aegon's eyes opened while his lips were still on hers, and he stared at Aemond, as if challenging him to do better.

With an angry sigh, one of Aemond's hands grabbed her chin, pulling her from Aegon's kiss and bringing her towards himself. He kissed her too, but not like Aegon. Aemond's lips parted, and as he left a light bite on her lower lip, his tongue slipped into her mouth, kissing her deeply. The sight of Aemond devouring her lips infuriated Aegon as much as it aroused him. His fingers grabbed Aemond's shirt collar, pushing him back, but before he could kiss her again, she herself pushed them both away.

─ What are you two doing? Stop it, I'm not a toy! ─ Her eyebrows furrowed, her eyes trying to understand their expressions.

─ Now you know how we feel. ─ Aemond replied. Her chest tightened again, her expression softened but also became sad.

─ That's not fair... ─ She murmured. Aegon's fingers slid to her neck, pulling her closer, his lips brushing her temple, but his eyes were fixed on Aemond.

─ See, love? He can't treat you right, not like I can... ─ Aegon spread kisses along her skin until he reached her neck. Both Aegon and Aemond knew that was her weak spot; they both knew every part of her body, every spot that made her sigh when touched, every point that got her wet, every stimulus that made her cum faster or more intensely, and that gave them a certain advantage. Her eyes closed, and she placed both hands on Aegon's chest, trying to push him away.

─ Aegon... Stop... ─ But her voice was more a whisper than a concrete word. However, Aegon didn't stop, not when she asked at least. Aemond brutally pulled her to him, making her eyes widen and a gasp escape her throat. His fingers wrapped around her ass, and with a firm squeeze, he brought her closer to himself.

─ She told you to stop... ─ He began. She was about to say something, about to protest, but Aemond raised one hand and slid two fingers into her mouth. ─ Shh, shut up. Let's see if you ask me to stop like you did with him. ─ He didn't even look at Aegon's furious and jealous expression. Aemond's lips met her neck, and he began to suck her skin with pleasure. The hand that was on her mouth moved down her chest, finding one of her breasts and squeezing it firmly. A low moan escaped her lips, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't ask him to stop.

─ Aemond... Fuck... ─ She murmured. Her eyes opened, and almost instinctively she looked at Aegon, trying to see some disapproval on his face that would give her more strength to ask Aemond to stop. But what she saw on Aegon's face wasn't anger, jealousy, or disappointment—it was lust. His moist tongue slid gently across his lips, his eyes fixed on her neck where Aemond's mouth was sucking her skin, marking her deliciously. Aegon's expression was the push she needed to want to continue.

─ Did you say something about fuck? ─ Aemond's husky voice whispered against her neck. His mouth moved up, wetting her face with his tongue until it reached her lips again. He kissed her intensely, pleasurably. His fingers pinched her nipple through the thin fabric of her top, then his index finger slid to the edge of the neckline and pulled the fabric down, making her breast pop out, bare. His thumb rubbed the nipple gently, hearing her moan softly during the kiss.

Another hand, which did not belong to Aemond, because the hand of his that wasn't playing with her nipple was squeezing her ass. It touched her shoulder with some firmness, sliding to the back of her neck, fingers entwining her hair there, gripping with some force. Her eyes opened, and she saw Aegon salivating in front of her. His clever tongue descended to her nipple, and he took it into his mouth intensely, trapping it between his teeth before starting to suck. The kiss ceased because Aemond felt Aegon's saliva wet his own finger when he began to suck her nipple. There was a silent exchange of glances among the three, where Aegon's lips did not leave her breast, only sucked it more intensely. It echoed in her mind, curious to know what they were thinking. However, these thoughts were silenced when she felt Aemond's fingers invade her panties. A surprised moan left her lips, and she was almost sure she saw a smile at the corner of Aemond's lips while he still looked at Aegon. The older one's eyes closed, and he began to suck her breast more intensely, circling the nipple with his tongue while his teeth gently bit the sensitive skin. Aemond's fingers plunged into her panties, parting her wet folds before rubbing her clit with his index finger, feeling her squirm under his touch, which made him sigh with satisfaction and maintain the circular movements in that area. One of her hands wrapped around Aegon's neck, and the other around Aemond's, gently caressing the skin of both while they gave her pleasure. She bit her lower lip hard, holding back some soft moans that were eager to escape.

─ She’s so wet, Aegon... You should see... ─ The sound of the words made her look at Aemond with some surprise, a surprise that increased even more when Aegon's fingers also slid into her panties, bumping into Aemond's fingers, fighting for space on her clit. His lips left her swollen nipple, trails of saliva covering the now red skin and also his lips, which smiled maliciously at her.

─ Damn... She is really wet... Did she get this way thinking about me or you? ─ He teased, gently squeezing her clit with two fingers, making her moan more intensely. Her eyes didn't know which one to look at, nor did she know what to do or say.

─ Believe me, brother, you don't want to know. ─ Aemond let out a laugh. His other hand moved from her ass to her neck, and with a firm grip, he pushed her down onto the seat, making her sit there while still looking at the two of them. ─ Keep your legs open. ─ He ordered, and she nodded, not moving a muscle to close the space between her legs. His firm hands gripped her hips, pulling her panties down, making them slide quickly down her smooth legs. Meanwhile, Aegon's hands pulled down her top, exposing her other breast as well, and when finished, he lifted her skirt up to her waist, leaving her perfectly exposed for them.

─ She’s so beautiful... It’s a pity she’s such a slut... ─ Aegon murmured, his index finger sliding around her pussy, not touching it directly. A sound of disapproval left her lips, and then Aemond responded with a chuckle.

─ No need to torture her, Aegon... She needs to relax. ─ Aemond's fingers ran through her wet folds again, and slowly he inserted one of his fingers into her warm cunt. A soft moan left her lips in response, her back arching in the seat. Aegon liked what he saw, because right after, he also slid one of his fingers inside her. The two began to thrust their fingers inside her, each curling his finger to one side, going deeper inside her. With his free hand, Aegon rubbed her clit slowly.

─ Damn, she looks so hot moaning like that... ─ Aegon murmured. He moved closer to her, starting to rub his painful erection against her knee, a pleasurable sigh leaving his lips. Aemond glanced sideways at him with a smirk, his other hand pulling her wrist until he placed her hand on the bulge in Aegon's pants.

─ You know what to do, slut. ─ Aemond said through clenched teeth with desire, inserting a second finger inside her, hearing her moan louder because of it. Aegon smiled in response, satisfied with the exchange of pleasure they were making. His finger brushed against Aemond's, slowly thrusting inside her, making her even more aroused.

─ Aemond... Aegon... Please... ─ She moaned, and the response she got was a harsh slap on the face from Aemond. She felt Aegon's finger go deeper after that, as a positive effect of his brother's action.

─ You’re so disobedient... ─ Aemond growled, starting to move his fingers faster inside her. She got the message immediately, and her trembling fingers opened the buttons and zipper on Aegon's pants, pulling the fabric down along with his boxers, until his cock was freed from the prison of cloth. His hard length sprang out, large, thick, the pink tip slightly moist with his pre-cum, veins bulging along every inch of it, begging for attention. A soft moan left his lips, and almost instinctively, he braced one of his knees on the seat next to her, leaving his cock at the perfect height for her lips, but in a way that he could still reach her clit and continue to stimulate her pleasure.

Her mouth opened, and her tongue touched the tip of his cock, shivering with pleasure when the sweet taste of his pre-cum hit her. She moved the tip of her tongue in circular motions around his cockhead, sucking just that area. Aegon's eyes closed, and he bit his lower lip, taking his finger out of her to focus solely on her swollen clit. Aemond watched the scene with pleasure; it was stimulating and hot to watch his girl giving pleasure to his brother. He didn't feel jealousy or disgust as he thought he might; he was aroused, partly because of Aegon too. Her other hand made its way to the buttons on Aemond's pants. She could give him a handjob, alternating between sucking him and Aegon. Her eyes were closed as she took every inch of Aegon into her mouth, her throat tightening around his tip, making her gag softly. A louder moan came from Aegon in response, and he slowly began to move his hips to thrust into her mouth. Aemond's cock was freed too, just as hard as Aegon's. There were as many similarities between them as there were differences in their cocks. Aegon's was straighter, while Aemond's had a slight curve, which helped hit her g-spot more easily, but both were large and thick. Just as she was about to grasp Aemond's cock, she felt his hips move, and with one thrust, he entered her. Her eyes opened immediately, and she moaned against Aegon's cock, choking slightly in surprise. Aegon's eyes also opened, a malicious smile forming on his lips as he saw Aemond positioned between her legs, completely buried inside her pussy.

─ I’m the oldest; I should’ve been first. ─ Aegon's hoarse and sensual voice echoed, his hips still moving back and forth, slowly fucking her mouth.

─ I think you're a bit busy. ─ Aemond responded, a soft moan leaving his lips with the first firm thrust. Aegon's fingers moved more intensely over her clit, making her writhe beneath them due to the amount of stimulation she was receiving. Her fingers dug into Aegon's hips, her eyes trying to shift between the faces of the two, though it was becoming increasingly difficult.

─ I think you had her suck me on purpose. ─ Aegon replied, bringing his free hand to her head, holding it still as he went all the way into her mouth, watching her eyes close tightly and tear up.

─ Maybe... ─ Was Aemond's only response before his hips also started to move, slowly thrusting inside her. Her walls squeezed him pleasurably, only increasing the strength of his thrusts.

Aegon withdrew from inside her mouth, allowing her to catch her breath. He watched for a while as she moaned while Aemond fucked her. His fingers squeezed her breasts and her hips at the same time, gradually increasing the pace of his thrusts inside her. The sound of his thrusts was already audible, and it was incredibly exciting for Aegon how her pussy swallowed Aemond's cock with each thrust. His fingers began to move faster on her clit, and her body's reactions were perfect. She moaned and writhed, her nails digging into Aegon's skin, her eyes teary, cheeks wet with tears, and lips parted. It was the most perfect sight Aegon had ever seen, and he wanted more. Aemond seemed to read Aegon's thoughts before he had a chance to say anything, his fingers slipped to the inside of her thigh, and he slowly withdrew from inside her.

─ Go ahead... ─ He nodded to Aegon. There was a moment of hesitation in the older one. He wasn't going to get into the debate about who had been fucking her longer and therefore had the right to fuck her without questioning anything, so he hesitated almost as if he were waiting for a clearer permission. Aemond rolled his eye at the delay. ─ Alright, if you're not going to, I-

─ No, no... ─ Aegon placed his hand on Aemond's chest, pushing him gently to the side and positioning himself between her legs, his fingers gripping the base of his cock, making the tip slide along her lower lips, soaking up with her natural lubrication. The tip of his cock gently tapped her clit, and then he slowly pushed himself inside her. Her fingers gripped the edges of the seat, and a loud moan escaped her lips; the gentle turbulence of the plane seemed to make his cock tremble inside her, and that added to the pleasure, it was incredible.

Aemond got on his knees on the seat next to them, pulling her hair strands, wrapping them around his wrist until he could hold her head firmly through her hair, he pulled slowly until her mouth was also fitted around his cock. She closed her eyes, sighing against his extension, feeling how the sweet taste of her juices was noticeable on his cock. Her mouth moved gently, as slow as Aegon's thrusts. Unlike Aemond, who always liked to act more roughly in sex, and fuck her with quick and strong thrusts, Aegon preferred something slower; he had more pleasure when he went deep inside her and felt that sweet spot that made her pussy squeeze his cock, and then slowly come out, repeating the process until she came. And she loved both ways. The tip of Aemond's cock rubbed against her inner cheeks; she slowly took him down her throat before pulling back and sucking only the cockhead. Her hand left the grip on the seat, and she massaged his balls, her eyes fixed on how he cursed softly, and some moans escaped his throat; he didn't even bother to move his hips, he let her do the work.

Aegon's moans came out in pleasurable sequences; his thumb rubbed her clit, watching with pleasure as the lower part of her body trembled, he saw her toes curling over the slippers, and her abdomen contracting. He thrust slowly, taking pleasure in every second of it, his moans mixing with Aemond's, to whom he looked whenever he could; his analytical violet eyes paid attention to how her mouth moved over his cock, she was giving equal attention to both, that felt good in a way. Her moans intensified, and she withdrew Aemond's extension from her throat, fixing her eyes on Aegon.

─ I'm almost... Aeg, I'm going to... ─ She bit her lower lip, throwing her head back, her chest weighed down, making her breathing heavier, announcing her impending orgasm. Aegon's fingers began to pay more attention to her clit, moving with intensity over her pearl.

─ Come, love...

─ Come, love... ─ The voices of both echoed. Aegon and Aemond, spoke the same thing at the same time. And that was so incredibly exciting for her, that she came at that exact moment.

Her back arched and her whole body contorted over the armchair, her inner walls squeezed around Aegon's cock, a louder moan escaped her lips, while her legs trembled, and she squeezed her eyes shut, her orgasm was incredibly exciting for the three of them, Aegon's fingers circled her clit for a few more seconds before stopping, but he continued to caress her pussy, running his fingers where the folds engulfed him. He removed his cock from inside her, and leaned down gently, running his tongue over her pussy, sucking every part of it with gentleness. His eyes lifted to Aemond, a mischievous smile contouring his lips wet with her juice.

─ I made her cum. ─ He boasted, seeing her groan in disapproval at what he said, and Aemond rolled his eyes.

─ It's easy to say when you were fucking her. ─ Aegon shrugged, of course they didn't understand enough about female pleasure to know that it was a series of things that led her to orgasm, but she wasn't going to get into the subject. Her back straightened, and she was ready to say something, but the way Aegon sucked her clit prevented her from speaking, making her moan.

─ I don't know if that's really the factor... ─ Aegon mocked, releasing the words as his tongue danced on her pussy.

─ No? Let's fuck her at the same time then. ─ She almost choked on her moans when she heard Aemond's audacity.

─ She's going to cum because I'll be inside her.

─ Or she won't cum. Are you afraid of not giving her a second orgasm? ─ With the cessation of his words, they both looked at her, as if expecting confirmation. Aegon stood up, next to Aemond, waiting.

She swallowed dryly, her thoughts focused on what they had said, they wanted to fuck her at the same time? Both of them? Her eyes dropped to their cocks, side by side, as if she were trying to remember their size. They were still hard there, with the tips pointing towards her, smiling in her direction.

─ No fucking way. Absolutely not. ─ Was the initial response; she even closed her legs, adjusting herself with her back against the armchair. They both rolled their eyes.

─ Come on, princess... Didn't you want to be with both of us? This is the chance. ─ Aegon said.

─ Not at the same time... Together... I still need to walk today. ─ She shook her head in denial; Aemond's fingers reached her face, and he gently passed his thumb over her chin.

─ Come on, love... Be a good girl, we know you can... And we know you'll love it, like the little slut you are. If you don't like it, we'll stop. ─ His fingers caressed her so nicely, and his voice was so sensually smooth that she couldn't say no. She nodded. Because deep down, she knew she wanted to.

She got up, walking with them to the couch; she wasn't sure exactly how to do this, she had never even seen porn about it, but she was almost certain that Aemond and Aegon knew exactly what they were doing.

─ I'll stay below. ─ Aegon said, and Aemond just nodded. Aegon lay with his back against the couch, he got comfortable on the cushions, and then, with two fingers, he signaled for her to come. Aemond guided her in how she should sit on Aegon, slowly making his cock slide inside her. Aemond's hands grabbed her hips, pulling her gently back, tilting her ass towards him. When she was well positioned, Aemond put the tip of his cock at her entrance.

─ If you don't want to anymore, just say it, and I'll stop immediately. ─ She nodded, closing her eyes. Her whole body shivered as he began to slide into her; she was lubricated and his cock was still wet, so it was easier.

Aegon moaned softly in response, feeling Aemond's cock rubbing against his when he penetrated her; it was such a good feeling, strangely exciting. Aemond slid slowly until he was completely inside her; his hips remained still, letting her get used to both of them inside her at the same time, but the way the plane trembled already made them move inside her.

─ Are you okay? ─ Aemond questioned; his fingers caressed her hips, trying to provide some comfort if she was uncomfortable. But the response was a thirsty moan.

─ Fuck... Yes! This is so fucking good! ─ She moaned. A mischievous smile appeared on Aegon's lips, and he looked at Aemond as if to say, "Our girl really is a slut." A satisfied sigh left Aemond's lips, and then he began to move.

Her fingers left gentle scratches on Aegon's chest, while Aemond thrust into her with strength, sliding in and out with a certain firmness and skill. Aegon didn't even need to move; Aemond's cock "dragged" his deeper into her when he moved. Their cocks rubbed against each other, which was incredibly exciting. Not only was she moaning, but so were they. The sensation of her trying to squeeze around them, their cocks rubbing together, and being inside her together was more than enough to provoke their dirtiest and most pleasurable moans. Her breasts bounced with Aemond's firm thrusts, and Aegon massaged them with both hands, pinching and squeezing them. Aegon felt privileged in that position because she was looking at him while moaning, but he would never say anything about it to Aemond.

Aemond's palm left hard slaps on her ass, squeezing harder each time he delivered a slap. Her asscheeks were already red because of it, and she felt weak again. Her clit was rubbing against Aegon's skin because of her position, and that was the sacred stimulus she needed; she was almost coming again. Her eyes squeezed shut, and her nails dug into Aegon's chest, making him moan louder.

─ I'm... I'm going to come again!... Fuck... Aemond, Aegon!... Yes! ─ She moaned louder. She was in heaven - literally. Her eyes glanced at the small window beside her, seeing the fluffy clouds, and the irony of the situation made her believe she was really in paradise. And with a louder moan, which she feared even the pilot had heard, she collapsed on top of them, her body experiencing deep spasms before her juices spread over Aegon's stomach, making his skin wet, as well as the cushion beneath them and their legs. But she didn't care, she was coming intensely and wanted to enjoy more of it.

─ Fuck... That's right, love, come for us... Come on our cocks... ─ Aegon sighed. He himself was so close to orgasm that it was painful. As her body spasmed over his, Aegon fixed his eyes on Aemond. His lips were parted as he moaned, his cheeks lightly flushed, and his breathing heavy. He didn't even know when Aemond had removed his eye patch, giving him a perfect view of his false eye. Aegon never thought he would feel aroused seeing his own brother like that, but he did. He nodded at Aemond, who immediately understood the signal.

Aemond pulled out of her, grabbing her hair as she still trembled over Aegon. He positioned her on her knees on the floor in front of him, still holding her thick strands. Aegon stood in front of her, next to Aemond. Their hands grabbed their cocks, squeezing their thick lengths. They stroked themselves quickly until their orgasms arrived. Their abdomens contracted, Aemond tightened his grip on her hair, and with loud moans, they came. The streams of cum hit her face precisely, Aemond's landing closer to her lips, droplets falling into her mouth and filling her tongue with his seed, some landing on her chin and around her lips. Aegon's cum splattered on her cheek and nose, running down her jaw, painting her beautiful face white. She couldn't tell which of the two had the most cum, as it felt like their seed was pouring out infinitely. But she waited with her mouth open until the last drop from each of them. She swallowed Aemond's cum that had fallen into her mouth and licked her lips to clean the rest. Her lips closed around his cockhead, sucking off the remaining cum until it was clean. Then she did the same with Aegon. She watched them collapse onto the couch, panting, Aegon with his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling rapidly, and Aemond with his head back, matching his brother's quick breaths. Their semi-hard cocks still glistened with a mix of saliva and cum. It was a divine sight.

She ran her fingers over her face, collecting every drop of their seed that was there, and brought it to her lips. Thanks to the good diet of the two, the taste was slightly sweet and smooth. She took a deep breath and crawled over to the sofa, sitting there between them. Immediately, each of them placed a hand on her thighs, which made her smile. She forgot about the sex as she looked at them from that angle and just focused on how much she was in love. She knew it was strange to say "I love you" right after sex, but she almost said it. There was a sparkle in her eyes that one only sees in poets or madmen.

─ I'm sorry for saying those things to you. I was just pissed... At myself for not seeing that you liked Aemond too. I didn't mean it. ─ Her eyes fixed on Aegon, and she ran her fingers over his chin, gently pulling until she could leave a light kiss on his lips.

─ It's okay, I understand. I wasn't fair to you two, and I'm sorry for that. ─ She then looked at Aemond, who was still staring at the ceiling. She thought that maybe this had been a farewell fuck, and that filled her with fear.

─ It's okay... I think I can live with that. I think I can share you with my brother. ─ Aemond said, turning to her. She and Aegon looked at him surprised, one of their eyebrows raised in confusion.

─ Seriously? ─ The two asked at the same time, and Aemond laughed, running his fingers through his silver-white hair.

─ Seriously. Of course, we need some rules and arrangements, but... It's okay with me if it's okay with you. ─ Aemond replied. The sparkle in her eyes intensified, she looked at Aegon hopefully, but he had already pulled her into a kiss before saying anything. Then giving space for Aemond to do the same and "seal" the agreement with a passionate kiss.

tag: @sinistersnakey9419 @aegonswife

#aemond fanfiction #aegon fanfic #aemond and aegon #aemond targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #aemond x reader #aegon x reader #hotd aemond

[foxantoine]

lowkey freaking out about my life and future in this Chili's tonight... whatever i'm doing or not doing seems wrong and never leads to anything and i cannot deny it's becoming very... VERY hard to keep up, at least, neutral demeanor about things... positive thinking is not working anymore.

#and i know i seem like i don't care much and it's pretty close to the truth #but not caring also drains the fuck out of me. #i would kill myself if i started CARING about everything FOR REAL in these conditions #(by everything i mean family stuff and my life in general). #tan.txt

[koszmarnybudyn]

Here is the slut.

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #my art #glenn close #i have to wake up at 5 and write a math test tomorrow so you guys better be greatful i did this #cause i spend way too long trying to draw glenn hot like wayyy too long #i did not do school work cause of this #i dont even care about that damn pole i dont #but here is dilf glenn are you happy now? #are you satisfied? #i nearly cried cause of this damn drawing #also cause i lost my fave necklace down a fucking sink drain and am gonna have to beg some people tomorrow to help me get it out #at lesst im getting my hair dyed #i also have like two tests wendesday and like a bilion projects for thursday and Friday and all i did was draw hot glenn #im gonna go drink my hour old coffee and cry now #honestly vote carlos hes not a dick that sucks to draw #hot glenn autumn

[tethered-heartstrings]

i lived btw if you even care

#sarcasm just in case #in reference to surgery i had last week #ngl never have had surgery this major and i anticipated pain and wound care etc but not this amount of exhaustion #i am sleeping so fucking much and i already slept a lot #but today is the first day without any acute surgical related pain and my drains are out #so i am sorry to all the dms i have yet to reply to bc my brain is basically sand and goo #i also fell down the stairs lmfao but i am fine! #i'll still keep my queue where it is and may keep it at this level permanently idk #ty to everyone who gave me well wishes i really appreciate it! #the speaking clown #delete later

[elytrafemme]

i think i played sims 4 with my sister for six hours straight today?

#vixella + james turner's sale promo post convinced me #$33 dollars down the drain BUT it was for the two packs i'd most likely use anyway #we made ace attorney characters partly to captivate my sister's attention and also because it's funny as fuck #though i do have OCs in mind... yes it's 1:30 AM but i might just like... #write some more OCs. and watch more vixella :) i love her content sm #i also kind of wanted to figure out what sims traits my irl friends would have because i think it's funny #but i can't tell if that's the sort of thing i need to debrief them about #or to like never mention because who the fuck cares #ultimately i truly do not think any of them would give a shit but you know #(btw we got romantic garden stuff (free); city living ($16); and seasons ($16) + base game (free)) #both city living & seasons would ordinarily be $30-40 so... #we also want to circle back to grab cats & dogs (~$30-40; $16 on this sale but it's only 24 hr) #but i thought that city living was more strategic at the moment #+ i would in the long run LOVE to have growing together or parenthood... and parenthood runs cheaper in general... #but i already have spent a lot of money this semester :/ #mostly because Ooh Purchase Euphoria! and also because my college is located somewhere which. sigh. #has FAR higher prices than where i currently live #in a way that is truly horrifying but i do in fact go to college and need to get groceries somehow #so it's more of a desensitization thing because that does still need to occur #so like $33 dollars is very reasonable is my point

[poisoned-pearls]

you know, Idk if I have to say it, but, cut off those people who drain you. You shouldn’t always have to text first, your friendship shouldn’t end because you stopped talking.

And I know it sucks, that feeling of crippling loneliness. But when shit was absolutely the worst for me, when everything had fucking crashed and burned, I met a few people who finally reminded me what it meant to have someone care, and you’ll get it soon

#This is nothing like what I normally post but like #No genuinely. It fucking sucks and I may have been like #the most depressed I’ve been in my life #Fighting only the time I was with my ex for top place #But like. I’m also getting better. I only text like three people regularly but it’s better than having like #8 people who didn’t give a shit about me #And like #idk I think adhd makes you weak to just #wanting ANY kind of connection because otherwise you become absolutely bored and boredom is painful #The energy drain kills you #Also general red flag in people though I hate using that phrase #If someone won’t let you be in pain #watch out. When I dealt with someone manipulating an old friend into believing I was a horrible person a ‘friend’ slowly got annoyed at me #Trying to deal with it without ever offering help or advice #When someone’s first response to your pain is “oh my god will you shut up about that” they will not care about your pain ever #Also in general. Don’t hang out with straight men who appropriate gay culture #because they’re still like. Patriarchal and sexist assholes with a fake cover #Because Guess what!! When you say homophobic shit but your not gay #your just homophobic!!!!

[thetimelordbatgirl]

I fucking love how I can do anything my mom asks, but as soon as I say no to one thing, all the shit I've already done disappears because she acts like I'm lazy and don't do anything to help her...all because I said no to one thing.

#just i've been doing shit for her so far #and shes been leaving me alone to do my fic notes #but as soon as i dont wanna go to town with her #suddenly all the shit i've done disappeared #like she knows dad is fine with going to town still with her when he gets back from work #but she tries to guilt me anyway with helping her due to her knee and helping out my dad so he doesnt have to go town #and even says if your nan knew and just #yeah??? let her hit the fucking roof then #i dont fucking care anymore #my mental health is drained when it comes to dealing with my nan alone #and i can easily just avoid seeing her #also fucking funny to blame dad for snitching on me to nan when every time i've seen it happen it was my mom who snitched not him

[widevibratobitch]

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time #and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again #have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind #ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her #that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right #to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel #that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists. #so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week #and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨ #like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes #'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly. #ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol' #like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like #i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying #a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again #because im not texting back. #i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too. #I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it #i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao #oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour #pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA

[poptartmochi]

i would be so powerful if I could just make myself see a doctor about anxiety

#alas.. there is also anxiety about seeing the doctor about the anxiety 🍻 #anyways i am so. peeved ig? I'm so drained from work and i want to do something fun but literally there's like this very detached sense #of guilt about not being able to help our asshole customers 1000% that is killing my desire to do anything #some evil voice in the back of my head that's even like.. you think you deserve to ear after that? kys #which. what the fuck!! they were the rude ones and you KNOW they're sitting at home either a) not thinking about it or b) feeling smug abou #one-upping an overworked retail employee... 😐 nicki get UP! 😭😭😭 anyways circling back around to the original topic of the post #im so 🕴️🕴️ because what will happen when i see them again 😞 and i keep having nightmares about them and work. it's just so 😑 #and our other customers have given us very kind feedback + brought us donuts + complimented me on my professionalism lately but it literall #feels like white noise in comparison to these two smarmy fucks.. it should be the other way around 🤨🤨 #but i have the bnuuy's brain </3 alas. on a more positive note! despite the 🌪️ of the mind‚ i took relative care of myself today and put my #clothes away finally + tidied up my room 🏋🏻‍♀️ despite the dread we eke out some small victories in the day! this is how i must survive #🤼‍♀️🤼‍♀️🤼‍♀️ #anyways if y'all are following along with my work logs‚ i hope things are faring better for you! things will get better for us all in time #🫂🍻💃🏻!! #sriracha.txt #negative cw

[loumauve]

-

#running face first straight into every single rejection sensitive wall atm and it's so frustrating #like. can we just not do this rn brain? I'm too tired to deal with this on top of everything else #all it does is make me alienate myself from people I care about and make me feel like shit afterwards #and it doesn't fix any of the underlying issues either. (like. I've been upset about ppl not doing what I do) #(as in read all of my fic like I try to read all my friends' fic usually. but like.. not everyone can and not everyone wants to) #(but it's one of those irrational things of 'if they cared about me wouldn't they also try' even tho that's not a fair ask) #(and like.. most people don't read random fic for fandoms they're not even in so this is entirely stupid to be upset about) #(but here we are anyway) #just.. me. raw to the very nerve and too tired to fix anything that might help alleviate it #I just want to feel normal again. and like I have control over my emotional state #but between 'dude fucked up bc of his borderline being triggered by grief and letting out all his frustrations on me for weeks' #and 'other dude grieving but not processing and not even taking a break to figure out where he's at emotionally.. #..therefore dropping all of his unprocessed baggage and his part of the group work right on top of me' I'm just having a heck of a month #and idk. it would have been nice to talk to sb about my fic even if it's older now and not the best perhaps #(doesn't help when everybody you know writes really great fic and you're just outside the door scribbling some ideas into the sand) #idk. usually I do better in disconnecting self-worth and accomplishments and stop myself before the comparisons with others start #but rn it's all too much and I'm drained and exhausted and nothing feels good or helps much at all. #anyway. #it is what is I guess. and what it is is fucked and I doubt it's gonna change anytime soon. #that's not me being unrealistic or depression talking. it's based on how things have progressed thus far #there's another year and a half of this kind of stress which will likely get worse when our group grows from 18 to 31 in October #and then I'd have to start working proper again which I haven't in over two years bc of all the rehabilitation I've been going through #and it's terrifying and I'm already exhausted and worn down and worn out and I just don't know how normal is ever gonna be my life again

[hellpupp]

Big Sad

#kicks dirt #idk how many times i can openly ask for what i need & just. not get it. before i've just gotta Stop bc it starts feeling pathetic #and potentially even bordering on emotionally manipulative. #debating the Morality of even tag-venting on my own blog bc i don't want anyone to assume this is targeted #i just feel Deeply Lonely and like i have absolutely nothing going on in my life except work #and just lowkey like.... Unseen. #sometimes i try So Fucking Hard to have a conversation with people only to have 100% of what i say completely ignored me #* in favor of a random meme. #it starts to fuck with you after a while! makes you feel Uninteresting and Foolish and Annoying #idk. #i mean i also ran out of my (Extremely Rough Withdrawal) SNRI last week so like. that isn't helping. #but it's more than that. i've been feeling like this for a while. #it just. really sucks when you move & have no irl friends. no energy to make any new ones. #and all of your long distance friends have A Lot of shit on their plates so you feel shitty and inconsiderate for even thinking of asking #for. well Anything really. let alone some of their extremely limited time & energy & attention. #like who tf am i to ask anyone #let alone people who are all Very busy and struggling w/ their own shit #for their undivided attention for a chunk of time they could be using to take care of themselves #i don't want to feel invisible anymore #but i also don't want to be a drain on the people i care about #i hate Needing things #i wish the depth of my love and devotion to the people i've chosen to care for was fulfilling enough on its own #so i'd never need to ask for things #having emotional needs is like. sooo gross & selfish of me tbh. :/' go the fuck to therapy holy shit u would Never say this abt Anyone else #anyway. watch me delete this in 5 seconds bc the need to be seen & the mortification of being Perceived can & do coexist #χ.txt

[yuribalisms]

I need to uproot my entire life and start from scratch or I’m gonna go insane

#‘haha funny joke post’ excpet…. not really #I’m coming to the realization that I am just Not happy where I am and I don’t think that’s gonna change so long as I’m here #and that’s why I keep spiraling into intense depressive episodes when I haven’t done that since I last lived with my mom #part of it is my job I hate it and it’s draining the life out of me and they’re working me into the ground #I literally can’t even take time off because they don’t allow it until you’ve worked there for a year #but also there’s no BETTER job opportunities here #and I finally decided what I want to go school for but also there’s no schools here that offer it… #the closest one is in my home town four hours away as some sick fucking cosmic joke #and I’m so…. so lonely #I feel so disconnected from literally everyone around me #I know my friends care about me and I’m important to them #but again it’s that sense that I will NEVER be the most important thing in their life someone else will always be that #I mean… I’ve never EVER been the most important person to someone before someone else has always mattered more than I have #which especially sucks when I feel like I only know HOW to be close with someone in an extremely obsessive way #where I would do anything for them but that’s not necessarily returned #but… I just think it would be nice to have a relationship with someone where the entire time I’m like ‘yeah but they would never do x thing #for you because they already have a person they would do that for’ #(said person usually being a romantic partner) #and I’m just… tired #I’m tired of it and I want it to stop I want to be somewhere I don’t constantly feel like shit and go through frequent periods I wanna kms #and I think I’m gonna have to move for school anyways so…. So what if I really DID just start over somewhere else #I worry I might end up in the same rut but also I’ll never know if I don’t try #and I’m not happy here I don’t think I WILL be happy here I just want to live with/close to someone where I feel like I’m a priority #and my wants and desires are treated like something just as important as theirs #I dunno… maybe I am just in another really bad depressive episode again but…. #I feel like I need to change something to avoid falling back to everything and everyone I normally do #kaz rambles

[featherymainffins]

Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.

#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread #because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food #all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself' #I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real #or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the #2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it #because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming #that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible #but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever' #or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow. #show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased #like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours #my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days #and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity #feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all. #at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its #consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces #immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care. #i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight #also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.' #they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try. #like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars #and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people #even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me #or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound

[msdk-00]

friend earlier was like come to library game night with us and i was like i might but i am dreading the thought of socializing so much. i think i will just shower (also dreading) and read book for my final project. maybe drink a bit too. who knows where this beautiful night will take me

#i had meeting w advisor earlier and i think that is what drained me so fucking bad even tho it was like 7 hours ago #long conversations are so hard even just eye contact and nodding and stuff #also 20 mins ago the guy who i'm sure has crush on me after we hung out once asked if i'm going and i said no i think i'm staying in for #tonight and he said Okay Then. but he always uses periods at end of sentence like that so i don't think it's passive aggressive #time 2 brush teeth and shower while listening to music anddd ooooh maybe do face mask after #man i struggle w balancing social interactions like when should i force myself to be social but like #the past like few months especially i've been caring less and less about making new friends #i guess cuz i have made new friends over past few years and it didn't make me feel much if any less insecure n stuff #sigh. complicated. ill write in journal about this #i think i might've already but ill do it again #ok shower time #self