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until-theend-oftheline · 6 years

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When They Had Nothing - Part 5: Times Are Changing

Pairing: Stucky (Eventually)

Warnings: Steve’s health issues, War in Europe, Fighting, Violence, Suppressed feelings, Pining.

Word Count: 4300ish

A/N: This is my new Stucky series. It starts with the boys as kids in Brooklyn and follows CAFA but from Bucky’s POV rather than Steve’s. I am sooo excited about this series which I have been working on for about 6 months as it’s written for @cabigbang

Art Inspired by WTHN by: @ischa-posts - thank you so much for taking the time to create art for my series!

Betaed by: @blacktithe7 @emilyevanston and @ifyougetkilled-walk-it-off - Thank you so much for all your help!

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

MASTERLIST - CABIGBANG MASTERLIST + AO3 LINK

December 24th, 1941

Steve was quiet as Bucky when they walked out of the enlistment office side by side. Bucky wasn’t sure what to say to him. He knew Steve wasn’t just angry. He was upset. He felt as if he wasn’t good enough, because of something beyond his control. The same way he had felt his entire life, but Bucky had somehow managed to lessen that feeling just by being his friend. He knew that, but right now Bucky didn’t know what to say or do.

He was relieved as hell they had rejected Steve. He knew they most likely would, but his fear that they might take him had overridden the logic. Which also meant he wasn’t completely prepared to deal with either of their mental states at the moment.

“Steve…” Bucky began, but the man next to him just shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it. As big as Steve’s heart was, he had always been shit at talking about his own emotions. Bucky knew that, and he wasn’t going to push him on the matter. Not right now at least.

“Have you told your parents?” Steve changed the subject, and Bucky sighed.

“Yeah… I told them last night. I’m gonna tell them it’s final tomorrow morning when we go over there,” Bucky answered, emphasizing the 'we'. He was leaving no room for argument on that one. There was no way he was leaving Steve alone on Christmas morning, no matter if he felt like going or not. Steve must have sensed that because he didn’t argue. He just carried on with the conversation. Bucky knew it was most likely to distract his own mind, so he went with it.

“George must have been proud?” Steve asked, but regret flashed across his eyes when he looked over at Bucky.

“If he was he didn’t show it. He’s probably holding out for some rank or something,” Bucky muttered. “Mom and Becca were freaking out though. I think they knew there was a chance I would be drafted, but I don’t think they expected…”

“They’ll be fine.” Steve reached out, giving Bucky’s arm a small squeeze, and his mind instantly calmed. Steve’s touch had that effect on him. Everything bad got pushed aside, and there was just the two of them. “I’ll look in on them if you want me too.”

Bucky smiled, wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders. He was amazed at how his friend always managed to find some way to do good even when he was at his lowest.

“I’d love that, Stevie. Thanks,” Bucky tugged him closer against his side as they crossed the street heading back to their place to celebrate Christmas Eve together. Maybe for the last time, depending on the state of the world next year.

Bucky was scared. He knew he was doing the right thing and he didn’t for a second regret his decision. He was doing what had to be done. People were murdered for nothing more than how they looked and what they believed in. As much as Bucky wanted to stay with Steve and his family, this was something he needed to do. He couldn’t look himself in the eyes if he didn’t, so he pushed his fear down and focused on tonight and Steve.

June 14th, 1943

Bucky had headed straight for his and Steve’s apartment when he got off on leave. It was his last night in the States, and he wanted to spend it with his best friend.

Training had taken up a lot of his time. He thrived in the army. He was pretty damn good with a rifle, and he knew how to handle himself in a fight. He knew what was expected of him, and he lived up to it and more, which is how had managed to reach the rank of sergeant in less than two years. When he had told his dad, he had seen something that resembled pride for the first time in years. That had angered Bucky though, and he had promised himself right then and there that when he had kids one day he would never make them feel as if they weren’t good enough. He would never make them feel as if they needed to risk their lives for their sacrifice to matter.

Which was part of the reason he was here. He would go to tell his mom and sister goodbye before he left in the morning, but tonight he needed to be with Steve. It was his last night home, and there was no one else he’d rather spend it with.

Steve wasn’t home. Bucky knew his shift had ended a few hours ago, so there was only one place he could be. A movie theatre down the street where Steve had started spending more and more time. Bucky wasn’t around much anymore, and Steve needed something that could distract him from the numerous times he had tried to enlist under different names and area codes.

Bucky had been furious with him the first time he had tried tricking the system. He hated that Steve thought he had to do this and that he wasn’t good enough the way that he was. Bucky just wanted Steve to be Steve. He didn’t need him to go off and get himself killed or get locked up for trying. Bucky wanted Steve to think of himself first for once and not to get in a fight standing up for some asshole or dame that was just going to laugh at him anyway. Steve always saw the good in other people whereas Bucky tended to see the world the way it really was. There was always going to be another asshole and another fight. It didn’t mean that Bucky wouldn’t stand up for what was right every time, but it did mean that he thought Steve shouldn’t. When it meant fighting guys twice Steve’s size Bucky could deal with it. He didn’t like it, but Bucky had come to terms with the fact there was no stopping him. Asthmatic and sickly Steve in the smoky rough trenches of a war zone was another matter. His fears weren’t about Steve not being good enough, they were simply about Bucky wanting him to be safe.

Off course, Steve was Steve, and he was never going to be completely safe. Bucky sighed with the realization as he heard the sounds of a fight coming from the back alley. If Steve was here and there was a fight going on, that was were Bucky would find him. He just hoped he would find him before a trip to the hospital would be needed this time.

Bucky knew that Steve was a lot tougher than he looked, still, his heartbeat picked up as he saw the guy land a punch, knocking Steve to the ground. He rushed towards the guy who was undoubtedly going to kick the much smaller Steve while he was laying on the ground.

“Hey! Pick on someone your own size.”

Bucky grabbed a hold of his arm, dragging him backward, effectively placing himself between Steve and his bully like so many times before. Being Steve’s shield had become second nature to him. Bucky easily ducked out of the way when the guy was dumb enough to take a swing at him. He threw a punch he knew was going to make the guy feel his jaw rattle for a few hours, effectively getting his point across. Still, he couldn’t keep himself from placing a solid kick to the guy's ass as he scurried off. Bucky might not know what had happened to get Steve to pick a fight with him, but he knew without a doubt he deserved the kick and so much more.

Bucky turned back to Steve when the guy disappeared out into the street. He was relieved to see him standing, but he also knew Steve didn’t need pity right now.

“Sometimes I think you like getting punched,” Bucky snarked, before noticing the paper lying between them.

“I had him on the ropes,” Steve replied, wiping the blood from his face, standing up straight, nursing his head.

“How many times is this?” Bucky sighed. Part of him wanted to kick Steve’s ass for keeping this up. He knew it wouldn’t do any good, so he kept up the show, messing with him for it.

“Oh, so you are from Params now? You know it’s illegal to lie on the enlisting forms, right?” Bucky tried to throw in a little sense before keeping up his show, “and seriously? Jersey?”

Steve had been too busy trying to shake off the hits he had taken to look straight at Bucky until that moment. A rush of emotions flashed across Steve’s face when he saw the uniform, and Bucky’s heart broke. He had been so busy worrying about Steve he hadn’t thought that Steve might feel the same about him. Bucky had gotten in his fair share of fights in the past, but usually because Steve picked them, and he most certainly hadn’t run willingly into a gunfight before.

“Did you get your orders?” The concern in Steve’s voice was evident, even if he would never say anything. Bucky knew Steve wished they were doing this together, but more than that, it was war. Bucky was going to war, and Steve was scared to lose his best friend.

Bucky took a deep breath. Fear, pride, and regret mixed together in his mind as he stood up a little straighter, introducing himself for the first time since he had gotten his orders.

“The 107th. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow.” Bucky watched Steve nod slowly, coming to terms with the fact they might go a very long time before seeing each other again.

“I should be going,” Steve looked up at Bucky as if he was feeling ashamed he wasn’t shipping out with Bucky. Like he was somehow failing him, but nothing could be further from the truth. Bucky didn’t know what to do, so he smiled, wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders, pulling him close against his side.

“Come on, man,” he tried to sound chipper as he led him out of the alley. “It’s my last night.”

Bucky wrinkled his nose as he detected the stench of garbage coming from Steve, and he let go of him with a slight roll of the eyes. Off course of all the places he’d pick a fight it’d be somewhere he’d end up in a garbage can.

“We’ve got to get you cleaned up,” Bucky decided. Steve sulked but followed Bucky out of the alley.

“Why? Where’re we going?” Steve asked, causing Bucky to smile a little, handing him the paper he had picked up as he was getting off the train before coming to see Steve.

“To the future,” he answered, smirking at Steve when he shook his head at him. Bucky loved stuff like this, and it was a dream of his to get a job working for Stark when he got back home. Steve knew this, and even if he didn’t share his excitement for technology, he wasn’t going to argue with Bucky on this. It was his last night after all.

Bucky wasn’t entirely sure why he had gotten the idea to bring the women along. One of them, Connie, was a girl he had been seeing while he was on leave. All the time he had off he had been split between her, Steve, and his family. Tonight, she was bringing a friend and Bucky was hoping she would take a liking to Steve. It was his last Hail Mary to find someone that Steve could care about and that would care enough about Steve to make him see he didn’t need the war. He was important just being where he was, being who he was.

It was a little more than that though. Even if Bucky would never admit it to anyone, receiving the orders scared him. It was happening. He was actually going to war, and just for tonight, he hoped to forget that fact for a little while. He needed to forget, in a way, Steve couldn’t help him. Even if a part of Bucky wanted nothing more than to let him. It was a line neither of them had come close to crossing, and as much as Bucky wanted too, he doubted they ever would. So he brought the girls along. Though he hadn’t told Steve that until the two of them arrived at the expo.

Steve had been moping for the past couple of hours before getting to the expo. Bucky had been doing his best to cheer him up, talking about Stark Industries and what he hoped they were going to see. He knew it wasn’t Steve’s biggest interest but usually, Bucky’s enthusiasm was infectious. Not tonight though.

Bucky stuffed his hands into his pockets as they walked up to the Stark Expo, talking to Steve about all the reasons he should be happy he was staying home.

“You’re about to become the last eligible man in New York,” he reasoned. “You know there are three and a half million women here.”

“Hell, I’d settle for just one.”

Bucky could hear the slight smile in his friend's voice as he spotted the women at the entrance. He put on a big smile, waving at them as he answered Steve.

“Good thing I took care of that,” he answered, feeling Steve’s eyes glare holes in the side of his face, but he didn’t look over. He knew Steve hated when he set him up, but more than that he was afraid to look over and see the disappointment on his best friend’s face that it wasn’t just going to be the two of them tonight.

“Hi, Bucky,” one of the women answered seconds before Steve practically groaned at him.

“What did you tell them about me?” Steve asked, and Bucky knew it was safe to look over, only to see the slight annoyance remaining on his face.

“Only the good stuff,” Bucky teased before they reached the women. Bucky quickly introduced them to Steve as Connie and Bonnie and Bucky took Connie’s hand. She had been in a few of his classes before he enlisted. He knew she would love this place, and he also knew she was an amazing girl. She could be a temporary distraction though he wouldn’t mind writing her if she allowed him to be his distraction while he was gone. Maybe he could even see her when the war was over. Someone he could come home to and start a life with. He sent Steve a wink before heading inside with her, hoping he and the blonde would hit it off. Someday some woman was bound to see what Bucky saw, and he hoped it would be tonight, even if part of him just wished the world was different.

He grinned as the excitement filled Connie’s face as the voices sounded from the stage, and he let her practically drag him after her towards the stage. He loved that about her. He loved how easily excited she got about things and how she always wanted him to involve him in it.

He hoped that even if this wasn’t normally Steve’s sort of thing he would still have fun or at least hang in there until it was time to go dancing. Maybe today was the day Steve would join in the fun instead of sitting in the corner watching the world around him. Bucky wished he would loosen up a little, even if just for one night. Even if it were for no other reason than his own peace of mind that Steve would be alright without him.

Bucky’s face broke into a huge smile as he saw the stage. Howard Stark was a genius. Getting to go to an expo like this was like a dream come true. Another dream Bucky one day hoped would come true was working behind the scenes of it. He loved science and progress. It amazing him what people much brighter than himself were able to come up with.

He had said that to Steve once and gotten chewed out for it. As the thought of that night entered his mind, his smile grew even brighter. In Steve’s mind, there was nothing Bucky couldn’t do and talking himself down was just not acceptable around his best friend. Bucky had been annoying about it in the moment, but he still loved Steve for his reaction. It helped him see himself in a different way than he usually did. Making Steve proud had somewhere along the way become more important to him than earning his own father’s approval.

However, as Stark started talking about flying automobiles, Bucky’s full attention went to the stage. He felt like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting for the sun to rise as Stark kept talking. He almost forgot to breathe when the car lifted off the stage hovering off the ground for a minute before crashing back down.

“I did say in a few years, didn’t I?” Stark joked, and Bucky huffed a laugh, looking back at Steve, wanting to share this moment with him on instinct. For a moment, he managed to forget that he would be far away from New York by this time tomorrow. He managed to forget his worries and fears right up until he looked back not long after as the show came to an end.

“Steve, what do you say we treat these girls to…” He stopped when Steve was nowhere to be found, and his heart clenched. He might have brought the girls along, but he wanted Steve with him tonight. He looked around to see the enlistment office across the show area. He knew on instinct it was where he was going to find Steve, so he excused himself from the girls with the promise to go dancing soon and went looking for his friend.

Bucky sighed in relief when he saw Steve standing outside the office still. He couldn’t help but smile a little when he saw him standing on the short platform that allowed visitors to see themselves in a uniform. He actually would love to to see Steve in one of those. He just rather not see him running guns blazing into a war, giving his reckless courage a chance to get him killed.

“Come on,” Bucky gave Steve a playful push on the shoulder to gain his attention. “You’re kinda missing the point of a double date. I told the girls we’re taking them dancing.” Bucky talked fast, hoping his stream of words would somehow talk Steve out of what he already knew he was going to do. At the very least for tonight. Bucky wasn’t sure he was quite ready to say goodbye to Steve yet. Not when he still could get a few hours with him before he had no choice but to leave him behind.

“You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you,” Steve obviously lied, it made Bucky hurt. Steve had never been a good liar, but he had also never lied so blatantly to Bucky before. He hated it. He hated it so much, the anger slipped into his voice when he spoke.

“You’re really gonna do this again,” Bucky glared at Steve, who didn’t budge.

“Well, it’s a fair. I’m gonna try my luck,” he answered, not really looking at Bucky. He knew Steve didn’t want a fight, and honestly neither did he. His anger and fear just got the best of him. So he snapped.

“As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch you. Or worse, they’ll actually take you,” Bucky knew those words were going to hurt Steve. He had never hidden how bad of an idea he thought it was for Steve to try and enlist, but he had also never put it nearly as blunt before.

Steve tried to hide how hurt he was, not looking up at Bucky as he tried to explain himself. “Look, I know you don’t think I can do this…”

“This isn’t a back alley, Steve. It’s a war,” Bucky interrupted. He wasn’t trying to hurt Steve. Hell, he never wanted to do that, but he’d rather his words hurt him than a bullet in a foreign European country took Steve’s life.

“I know it’s war.” Steve sounded calmer than ever while Bucky was starting to raise his voice a little, desperate for Steve to see all that Bucky wanted, all he had ever wanted, was to keep Steve safe.

“Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs,” Bucky hissed at him. Safe jobs were what he wanted to say. Jobs that wouldn’t get Steve killed and would ensure he was there for Bucky to come home too when this damn war was won.

“What do you want me to do? Collect scrap metal in my little red wagon?” Steve gave back, the annoyance starting to become clearer in his voice.

“Yes! Why not?” Bucky answered, knowing how ridiculous he sounded to someone like Steve. Being someone who always did the right thing and stood up to bullies. This was who Steve had always been and Bucky knew it. The thought of losing him just scared him. This wasn’t a guy trying to steal his lunch money. This was thousands of guys with guns, happy to kill the little guy that couldn’t defend himself just because he wore the wrong colors.

“I’m not gonna sit in a factory,” Steve objected, much to Bucky’s growing frustration.

“I don’t…” Bucky started but stopped when Steve raised his voice. He rarely did, so Bucky knew the battle was lost. Hell, he knew that before he started, but fear hadn’t let him admit that until now.

“Bucky. Bucky come on! There are men laying down their lives. I’ve got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me.” Steve was good at giving speeches like that. He was good at making people listen and see his side of things, but Bucky knew this wasn’t all it was about. He knew and understood Steve a lot better than his friend gave him credit for.

“Right,” Bucky answered glaring at him. “‘Cause you got nothing to prove.” The tension was thick between the two men, and Bucky fought the urge to shake Steve and tell him all he wanted was for him to stay safe. All he wanted was for both of them to have lives to live when this war was over. He didn’t though, and the tension was broken by Connie yelling at him from across the road.

“Hi, Sarge! Are we going dancing?” she called, and Bucky turned around putting on his happy face.

“Yes, we are.” He held out his hands to the side, giving her a slight smile before returning his attention to Steve. The stubborn look on his best friend’s face made him see he had lost this one. He just hoped the enlistment officers wouldn’t ever get desperate enough to actually take him.

Bucky sighed, shaking his head, not looking directly at Steve anymore. It hurt too much to say goodbye like this. He shouldn’t have fought him. Their last words shouldn’t have been spoken in anger.

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Bucky tried to lighten his tone as he backed up, but gave Steve a look to tell him he was serious. He wanted Steve to know that no matter what was said between him, he would always love him, and he would always have his back.

“How can I?” The playfulness in Steve’s voice made Bucky stop from turning around. “You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

Bucky held back his emotions. Not sure if it was tears or laughter, but he stalked back towards Steve.

“You’re a punk,” he said fondly, the same relief he saw on Steve’s face mirrored on his own as he hugged him, smiling at Steve’s response.

Even if it were for no other reason than his own peace of mind that Steve would be alright without him.

“Jerk.”

Bucky couldn’t hold Steve like he wanted too. They were standing in the middle of the street, but at the very least he got to say goodbye properly even if the night was too short lived for his liking. He hated having to say goodbye at all, but he was happy Steve wasn’t coming with him.

“Careful,” Steve said giving Bucky’s hand a small squeeze before he could back away. All Bucky could do was smile. If he spoke now he was sure his voice was going to fail him. Which was also why the only response he had to Steve calling out after him, “don’t win the war till I get there,” was a salute.

Bucky turned around, blinking hard to chase the tears away and forced a smile on his face before he reached the girls, wrapping his arm around Connie’s waist as he did.

“Come on, girls. They are playing our song,” he playfully flirted, while every fiber of his being was screaming at him to go back to Steve and convince him to come back home with him, to convince him that one more secret between them might not be so bad, but he didn’t. He danced with the girls, and he went home with Connie. She helped him forget, and when the morning sun rose, he kissed her goodbye with the promise he was going to write her.

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When They Had Nothing

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