#but truly at the crux of it... did dean did give a fuck

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Supernatural Series Finale

It took me a couple days to collect my thoughts on one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to watch in my life. Like I said a few days ago, I cried even harder watching it the second time around. But now that I’ve had a chance to process and also see what other people were saying, I think I can finally put into words my impression of the finale. 

Buckle up, this is a long one....

Let me preface this first off by saying that as an adamant Dean girl that has said numerous times over the years that all I’ve ever wanted was to wrap Dean in a blanket and give him some forehead kisses and tell him everything is going to be fine, this episode gutted me. I fully believe that my boy did not deserve to fight so hard for so long to just die as soon as he was free. He deserved a lifetime of truly enjoying time with his baby brother, the person he loved most in the whole world.

Now with that being said, having watched this series so many numerous times, I truly don’t believe that the show could have ended any other way. It’s something that has been pointed out by the creator, the writers, the actors, and even the characters themselves in the show. Dean never saw anything else for himself than dying doing the one thing he knows best, hunting. I saw a post that discussed how this would have happened numerous times already had Chuck not been interfering in their lives, and I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. 

And Dean had been raised to never think anything of that. It goes back to Cas’ declaration that he is “the most loving human he has ever met”. Dean is and always has been a man of duty. He would gladly die at the end of a blade if it meant he saved someone from the fate his family was ‘destined’ to live. He has always cared more about other people than he ever has himself. It part of the reason that his freak out in 15.17 didn’t throw me because for fuck’s sake wasn’t it his turn to be a little bit selfish for once?

Anyway, I digress. Dean has been fighting for others his whole life. And as stated in 15.19, him and Sam were free to finally write their own story. Is it not 100% on character that Dean would die a hunter’s death? As we see in the beginning of the episode, the Winchesters could have chosen to walk away from the life then. They could have chose the apple pie life, a wife and 2.5 kids. But they didn’t, they chose to continue saving people, hunting things. They were writing their own story, even if it ended tragically. But that’s life, it’s messy and depressing, but it’s also beautiful and even if Dean only got a small taste of that, I can be happy.

I know a lot of people feel like that negates their character growth throughout the seasons, but I disagree. I think that the way this ended shows just how much both of them had grown. Sam very well could have went to Jack and begged him to bring Dean back and Dean could have asked him to. But neither felt that it was necessary any longer. Without Chuck pulling the strings, that scary, neurotic, codependence they used to hold was gone. Dean was okay with dying and Sam let him go. Dean told him how much he loved him and how scared he had been to go get him at school. Dean opened up, something that season 1 Dean never would have done. Just look back at “Faith”, the episode where Dean makes every joke in the book about dying instead of facing the truth that his time was up and Sam refuses to accept it so much that his one source to save him (unwittingly) is black magic. The men I saw in 15.20 were far from the men we met in season one. 

Coming back to finally being free, I have to talk about the dammed paperwork in Dean’s room. I’ve seen the speculation about that. But that’s all it is, speculation. We have no idea what that was supposed to be about. If they had meant for us to see it, they would have shown it to use like they showed us the “Dean’s other other phone” sticker. But they didn’t. So it’s perfectly fine to speculate about it, that all a part of art interpretation, but in my opinion, even if Dean was working on ‘something else’ I don’t think he ever could have fully walked away from hunting. This ending was for all intents and purposes, inevitable. 

For all the rest, as a writer, I fully understand the way that they chose to do this episode. Sure covid played a role but the boys had said that the crux of what the episode was did not change. There is a certain nuance to storytelling, like I posted back on Thursday and something that is probably one of the most famous lines from this show. Endings are hard. Writing is hard. It’s impossible to please everyone and even harder to tie up all loose ends. At the end of the day, the writers had to be satisfied with the story that they put out, irregardless of what you or I think. As Jensen so beautifully puts it, Supernatural is a piece of art, one that has numerous hands in the pot. From writers to actors and directors. And art is always up for interpretation. But that’s the beauty in it. 

I talked to a dear friend, @waywardbeanie after the episode and was like “I want to know x.y.and z” because a part of me wanted all the answers from them. I’ve always been a person so very deeply rooted in canon (I know as a fanfic author that sounds weird but stay with me). I trust the information given to me and take it as face value. I seen my stories as an extension to canon, not trying to rewrite it. So it took me a few days, and more conversations with other fans of the show, like @winchest09 , to understand that the facts left out of the final were most likely intentional. 

This is a show that has such a passionate and loving (mostly) fandom. Together we have done so much good for the world, and that is something even if you hated the finale, you can’t take back. The writers left the ending open for us, to write our own stories, whether it’s just your thoughts or if you actually write a piece of fanfiction. There is so little about what happens after Sam leaves, presumably for Austin (don’t even get me started on the essence of that cause I might cry again), because it’s our job to decide. Did Sam quite hunting all together or was he a pseudo Bobby, manning the phones for other hunters? Did he finally go to law school or end up getting some other mundane job? Who was his wife or girlfriend or baby momma in the background? Was it Eileen? If not did she know about his life? One could drive themselves crazy answering these questions, and it’s your right to do so however it will make you happy. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter to the story. 

At the end of the day, what mattered was the peace that the boys found together, in heaven. Sure Dean missed Sammy when he first got there, but he didn’t fuss, because as Bobby said “he would be along”. So Dean did what he’s always done, he took a drive in Baby, and Sam was there when he finally brought her to a stop. In the end their story ended just as it had started, our boys together. 

And I know a lot of people are angry because one of the big themes this show touched on was that family doesn’t end in blood. And I agree wholeheartedly that I would have loved more familiar faces or even the mention of them (I screamed when Donna was mentioned), but at the end of the day, something Eric Kripke has been saying since season one, this show is and always has been about the brothers and their relationship. I in no way think that this negates the family they found along the way or how they could not have done a lot of it without them but, it’s not their story. I’m sorry but it’s true. 

It’s not about Cas, Jack, Bobby, Crowley, Ellen, Jo, Mary, Eileen, etc. It’s about Sam and Dean and it sucks that people can’t let that go, but I get it. I can’t imagine putting so much time into something to let something like that ruin the whole experience for you. I hope that you can find peace eventually. I guess that’s my blessing, that I never really cared for anyone besides Dean. Which isn’t to say I didn’t like characters but what happened to them never mattered to me, as bitchy as that sounds. 

I’m at peace with this ending, no matter how much it hurts me. And I think it’s just the finality of it that hurts. Jensen and Jared and Kripke are satisfied with their little show that could and that’s what matters most to me. Because those are the real people with real feelings that I care about. 

So there you have it. I have zero tolerance for negativity, so please keep your comments off this posts. You are free to your opinion but I don’t want to see it and put any seed of doubt in my acceptance of this ending. I’ll be the first to admit I’m too easily swayed, ha!

But if you need to talk, my inbox is always open. I’m still coping with the loss of this show and everything that comes with it. I don’t do well with change or facing my own mortality, something that has rattle me these past few days. I feel a million years older and that scares me. So know your feelings are valid and I’m here. 

#supernatural #spoilers #dont spoil the final hunt #spn finale #supernatural finale

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

Every Breath I (Can't) Take.

Sam doesn't come out of his room all night.

Dean waits till it's night, then goes out. He contemplates checking on him another time when he's back, this time with food, but it's the lack of sound through Sam's door which makes him change his mind. Maybe his brother had fallen asleep. And Dean definitely wanted him to rest. Kid needed it, deserved it - really fucking earned it.

So instead, he has dinner by himself, forcing himself to not think about any of it. The deafening silence provokes every bit of emotion he's felt that day to roar back to life. But he shoves them down, follows it with food, and buries it there with alcohol.

When he's finished, he can't bother clearing up. His limbs feel like they'll drop off. He's been on patrol most nights, and the mornings were used up trying to figure out solutions. He's done, and tired, and ready to pass out.

So he picks up his beer - huh, that's far too empty; so then he drains it in a single gulp, and picks up the entire sixpack, and goes to his room.

And that's that. He's managed to make it through the first night.

*

He doesn't know how he manages to fall asleep. He's almost sure he won't be able to, until his head hits the pillow, his back settles in the warm mattress and his feet stretch. He still doesn't think he'll sleep that night - but it's soon that he's completely knocked out.

It's a dreamless slumber though, and he wakes to the world, one eye blinked open at a time - a tired shell of a man; the weight of his losses just beginning to settle.

He gets up.

And tells himself that had he kept lying, horizontal, the pain would just have sedimented at the bottom, and that's just where Dean always was anyways. He'd have gotten crushed under the densing pressure.

So instead, he makes himself stop thinking again, and showers.

*

When Dean drags himself into the kitchen, his head painfully points out that Cas isn't there. Before, he used to be right there, with a cup of coffee on the days Dean was lucky, waiting to ask him how he’d slept.

(When Dean misses Cas, he always misses this version of him, who lived in the bunker and truly lived there too. Back then, Dean could breathe him in the sheets, find him in front of every shelf in the library, and hear him in all the hallways. He used to be so present. Good fucking times.) 

Dean's eyes involuntarily swept the place. As if Cas had snuck back in at night, and might be perched in a particularly camouflaged nook, waiting for Dean to notice.

As if he was ever coming back.

Dean swallowed. Hard. The thoughts he'd fought so hard to keep away were all pushing their way back in. The longer he twitched at Cas's absence. His chest started to constrict.

Gone was the sleep-roughened voice, though he didn't fucking sleep - still so gentle when it addressed him with a 'good morning, Dean'. Missing were the blue, blue eyes which followed Dean as he cluttered around the space to make them both breakfast. No longer, did Dean get to accidentally brush against Cas's shoulder in his hustle - and receive an upturned smile through his eyelashes, when he landed across Cas with his plate full.

Maybe Dean imagines it, but he thinks he swayed on his feet a little bit. And reaches for the counter, just to be sure.

Maybe he's still drunk.

Cas had walked out. And taken with him, all of himself. The talkative smile had disappeared; so soft, enthralling and oh, so contagious.

And then, dawned the earth-shattering realization that Cas was not. Here. Anymore.

Cas used to disappear during the day, angelic errands and noble mercies and whatnot; and Dean ate out at motels and clubs, most nights - but this was a morning. Mornings were what they used to have.

And the fact that Cas wasn't here anymore - that he'd left Dean, left him with that piercing speech, and those flashing eyes, and the finality in the air. And he'd not let it strike him yet - so it struck the hardest yet.

Cas has been wrenched away from him many times. There's been apocalypses, there's been betrayals and there's been the good of the world.

But it's only ever been a compulsion. Cas had to go. It had to happen. The World must be saved, God needed to be found, Lucifer had got to be beaten. And Castiel, hero that he was, such a goddamn courageous sonuvabitch - had to go! It was undeterrable, and Dean had always struggled to let him go - but at least, at the very least, it had always been demanded, all those times.

This time? It had been a choice.

And the selfishness he didn't know he'd been masking, roared in his ears; it was never fine to be away from Cas. But it had still been something Dean was used to, it was relatively okay if the reasons were unstoppable. If it was inevitable. But, this was different.

Dean grabs onto the slab tighter, because his knees feels weak. He needed to get a hold on himself. His head reels, but it isn't like he can stop thinking. One painful thought shoved the last out of the way, and each stream of scenes seemed to take him farther away from the present.

Cas had walked out.

Dean couldn't get him back and pull him home. Not if he wasn't being dragged away in the first place. And that's the crux, isn't it? Some part of sneered. He wasn't being taken away. He had decided to leave.

Dean Winchester had always screwed things up, messed up his life, and almost broke the world a couple of times - but Castiel had never left.

He'd lifted him from his road to corruption. He'd threatened to stay when Dean had the Mark of Cain. He'd refused to let go till the demon in him had been controlled.

And now, he was gone.

Dean's eyes sting, so he screws them shut, and his mouth is dry. He's been clutching onto the counter for a while now, and his knuckles are white now. He's heaving with every breath.

Cas was gone.

Suddenly, it was all that mattered.

Or perhaps, it was all that had ever really mattered, and all that would ever really matter.

But he was gone, and he was done with Dean, and Dean had driven him off, and he wasn't coming back. No, of course he wasn't, because he was moving on - he was moving on from Dean.

Dean's panting now. He has no idea why. He can't stop thinking - about anything, about everything, about nothing at all. He wishes he could. No, this was hyperventilating.

How could Dean ever have told him that there was no moving on for him. From what Cas meant to Dean, and the magnitude of e everything he took up in Dean's life - there wasn't any filling that, not with anything else.

He hadn't said any of it. He'd said absolutely nothing at all. And he should've. Because a Chrysler-shaped piece of his life had been ripped away, and Cas had walked out of the bunker and not looked back. And Dean could never move on from the way he'd looked at Dean - like he wanted Dean to stop him, but didn't believe that he would. Dean could never move on from any of it, at all.

Dean's chest hurts. His lungs fight for air, but his senses don't comply. He can't breathe, and he feels like he might choke.

Cas. Cas! Cas had left him. Cas wouldn't be back! Cas was gone. Cas was -

There are tears streaming down his face.

How had he let this happen? How did he not even move? Cas had been in front of him, why hadn't he been able to stop him then? How had he pushed him away so far, that Cas forgot how much Dean needed him to come back? How could he have -

Dean was a fucking asshole. He'd been a goddamn jackass. Cas should hate him. Cas did hate him. Cas needed to come back, but Dean deserved this, and yet -

"Ahh!" He growls, trying to make himself stop. He's trembling, his face is burning up, the tears won't stop. He needs to stop thinking, about Cas, about everything -

Cas doesn't want anything to do with him, anymore. Dean won't ever get to see those eyes again. Make him laugh. Fight by his side. Clink his beer to his, or make fun of his tastes in movies. Dean wasn't going to get any more of Cas.

Because Cas was moving on. He had upped, and gathered all of himself, and walked out of Dean's life. But he'd forgotten to take with him the pieces which were studded in Dean's soul, the wisps of grace that had flowed through Dean's veins since Hell had happened, and all the love that Dean had collected for Cas in his heart.

Dean gasps, struggling. He's sweating profusely, and he might have fallen if he hadn't been holding onto the slab. "AHHH!"

The last sound is wrenched from his gut, as Dean's hands give up on him, and he stumbles. He reaches out to catch hold of something, anything - his head spirals, he knows he's going to fall -

"Dean?"

Dean turns wildly at the voice, hoping in his state of desperation that it's -

"Dean, are you okay?" Sam runs towards him, his eyes wide with concern. "Fuck, Dean, what happened? Calm down!" His hands held Dean up, almost bringing him into a hug - or maybe that was Dean who was doing that. "You're having a panic attack, Dean! Sit down! What's happening? What do you need? Say something!"

"Sam." Dean lets his weight fall on Sam, but it still felt like all of the guilt never stops pushing down on him. His voice shivers, just as he does, as he looks at his younger brother, who looks frenzied at his state. Had Dean seen himself, he wouldn't have been particularly reassured, either.

"It's Cas." His voice cracks, and Sam swears under his breath, probably assuming the worst. And then Dean tells him. "Sammy, Cas left."

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