#continue to be the stupidest motherfuckers alive

[fadinglight123]

If I see any of you shitheads quoting Osama Bin Laden or getting anywhere near saying that a literal terrorist has a point it is on sight and I cannot fucking emphasize that enough

#shut up fading #I cannot fucking believe I have to say this #except I can bc goyim leftists #especially WHITE goyim leftists #continue to be the stupidest motherfuckers alive #to the level of mocking republicans for being the “I didn’t think the leopards would eat MY face” party #while openly advocating for the most obvious leopards eating faces party shit imaginable but repackaged as leftist this time #anyway you’re all fucking stupid and vile and I hate the internet what else is new

[carpsoup]

so in Arti's campaign, giving pebbles the garbage wastes pearl, he mentions "it [the illegal experiment] was taking too long" and "I didn't think she would--[collapse/die/etc]"

In what world did he even consider that slurping up aaalll the water wouldn't result in a catastrophic failure for Moon??? It might've taken ages to complete without murdering Moon, but surely the results would've been much better than 1 collapsed and 1 rotting iterator. It would've been different if he were a solo iterator, but he was not.

oh boy oh boy I do have some thoughts on this so Im gonna use this as an excuse to ramble a bit under the read more <3

Tbh I think he was just extremely desperate! When you bring a neuron to moon she comments how the inability to fullfill the task given to the iterators drove many to madness. We dont know how long its been since the ancients left. It could have been hundreds or thousands (if not more) years, or whatever their equivalent to years is. No matter how logical or smart the iterators are, that time spent frustrated and angry and in pain is enough to cloud anyones judgement, I think. And iterators arent just perfect logic machines, they can be led by emotions instead of the facts they know. We see this with suns sending pebbles the pearl despite knowing he would be too desperate to be careful with the experiment, and with moon not stopping pebbles even though she knew the danger she was in. So maybe pebbles did know it would damage her, but hoped despite that, that if he was just fast enough the damage wouldn't be too big. Maybe he wanted to trust his mentor that they wouldn't send him information on how to make an experiment that could damage or even kill him or his sister. And this is very much just my own interpretation, but maybe he didn't even register correctly that another iterator, especially moon, could get so badly hurt. We know from moon that iterators dying pretty much never happens, sliver being the big exception. Moon has been there long before pebbles was alive. And even if the entire reason he was built was to help her recover, she still lived and continues to live despite her age and faulty machinery. She has been a constant in his life since the day he was created. Maybe part of him knows that there is no way he wont hurt her. But how easy is it to listen to that when faced with an existence thats defined by not being able to die. And the frustration that comes with that. I think the thought of finally being able to find a way out of a existence they were most likely programmed to despise, not only for himself but for others as well, made it hard for him to think about the consequences. Being so close to a solution after all this time, maybe he couldnt wait any longer. Or maybe he did just use 100% of his big smart brain to be the stupidest motherfucker alive. Who am I to say

#What he did to moon and himself is still horrible #but I think the worst part about it almost is how understandable it is #does that make sense? #the iterators are in my brain constantly always. Sorry if this is absolutely incomprehensible #carpsounds #ask

[ctitan98official]

Alcina reading Sherlock Holmes to Y/N because she wants to expose them to ✨culture✨

Alcina: *Reading to Y/N on a couch in the library*

Y/N: *Sitting next to her, listening with rapt attention, sipping a mug of hot cocoa*

Alcina: *Reads the last sentence of the chapter, looks down to see Y/N’s reaction* Well, draga. What do you think?

Y/N: *Bouncing with excitement* Wow! What a brilliant son of a bitch that Smirnoff guy is!

Alcina: *Stiffens at Y/N cussing and cringes at them getting the character’s name wrong* Y/N! We don’t use that kind of language! Also, his name is Sherlock not Smirnoff…

Y/N: *Lost in their own world* I mean, he is really cool, but he’d be nowhere without that twink boyfriend of his!

Alcina: *Confused but kind of scared to ask* Umm… who, Y/N? Do you mean Watson?

Y/N: *Didn’t hear her at all* I’ve gotta go tell Sal about this! *Starts to run off*

Alcina: *Grabs Y/N, picks them up and holds them over her shoulder like a baby* Ah ah ah, draga. It’s time for bed. You can tell him tomorrow.“

Y/N: *Grumbles but nods and yawns*

Alcina and Y/N: *Go to bed*

The next morning

Alcina:*Sleeping, slowly wakes up, screams and almost has a heart attack at what she sees* Ahh! What are you doing?!

Y/N: *Staring suspiciously at Alcina through a magnifying glass, their eye looks comically huge as they peer into it, very close to Alcina’s face* Where were you on the evening of today?

Alcina: *Annoyed, grabs Y/N’s entire face with her hand, pushes them away*

Y/N: *Stumbles and falls on their ass on the floor, scratches their head, dazed*

Alcina: *Sits up in bed, sniffs, adjusts her nightgown* What does the evening of today even mean?! Are you trying to say tonight? That hasn’t happened yet, Y/N!

Y/N: *Clears their throat, stands up, trying not to seem embarrassed, whispers to themself* Hmm… Sherwood always seems so confident and smart in the book. What am I doing wrong? *Tapping a finger on their chin in thought*

Alcina: *Rolls her eyes* Well, Y/N? Did you have a reason for waking me up in the most idiotic way possible?

Y/N: *Snaps their fingers in realization* Aha! I’ve got it! *Pulls out a toy pipe, pretends to puff on it, blows bubbles out of it*

Y/N: I know what I forgot! This man smokes like a chimney, but I have asthma so we gonna roll with this instead. *Proudly grips the pipe with one hand and continues filling the room with bubbles*

Alcina: *Pulling on her hair in frustration, rubs her face, reaches in her bedside table for a brush*

Y/N: *Alarmed* The suspect is going to kill me before I can crack the case! I must take action! *Grabs a nerf gun and shoots Alcina in the forehead with it*

Meanwhile Downstairs

Bela Cass and Dani: *Sitting at the table and enjoying breakfast*

Big crash from upstairs

Y/N: *Runs past the girls like a bat out of hell*

Bela: That was weird, right?

Cass and Dani: *Nod, go back to their breakfast*

Alcina: *Comes charging through the dining room, yelling* I married the StuPidEst motherfucker alive!

The girls: …

Cass: I’m glad they found each other. They deserve happiness.

The girls: *Go back to eating like nothing happened*

Masterlist

#alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #re8 #re8 village #re8 lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitriscu x reader #lady dimitrescu x reader #y/n is stupid #re8 shitpost #re8 incorrect quotes #bela dimitrescu #cassandra dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu

[balteus]

italians continue being the stupidest motherfuckers alive

#sorry not sorry

[psycopath06]

Secretary Part 1: Volturi Kings x Neutral!Reader

A/N: The parentheses next to the quotes are the translation to any words that are in Italian.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been working as the new secretary for the Volturi for a week now. I had been lucky with the few guards, that didn't have a stick up their asses, were nice enough to tell me what to avoid that would cause my death. The secretaries got killed for the stupidest of reasons.

   I only took the job because I desperately needed the money even if the job seemed sketchy. My family didn't help get me better off finacially but put me in even more debt. The immortality part was just a bonus to the job.

   I had manage to not piss the kings or the guards off thus far, but that could easily change with Caius' temper. He's been out for my head since the day he met me. Thanks to Aro and Marcus I have been able to avoid Caius' wrath for the most part. Aro and Marcus were neutral to me being there. They would tell Caius to stop threatening me whenever he saw me.

   It was late and I was going to be off duty in 15 minutes, so I got up to deliver the letter that they got in the mail. I had decided that giving them their mail before I was let off for the night gave me a better chance of survival, since the kings were also ready to retire for the night.

   I walked in to the underground Throne room and gave my best smile as to not get on their bad side.

   "Ah, young y/n has brought us something." Aro's eagerly said as he got off his throne and walked to the edge of the platform.

   "They should not have interrupted." Caius stated his hatred for me loud and clear to everyone in the room. Always had something to say about whatever I did.

   "They're new." Aro half-ass defended me.

   "Aren't they all?" Marcus rasped out. For once Marcus was doing something besides being depressed!

   I watched Caius smirk at the joke, smug bastard. I had to focus on why I was here as to not want to slap Caius.

   I stepped up on the first step and extended the sliver tray to Aro with the letter on it. They INSISTED that I use this stupid tray when I gave them letters. Surprisingly I wasn't that bother by the kings being vampires and didn't really fear them which was why I was comfortable being this close to Aro.

   Aro took the letter from the tray as he gave me when of his creepy smiles that I have gotten use to at this point. He opened the letter and started speaking Italian. "L'amore ci mantiene tutti giovani. Bella and Edward are to be married." (Love keeps us all young)

   Marcus once again spoke "What joy." Now the depression was back, it never went far from Marcus.

   "This is the Cullen's way of announcing her transformation? They mock us with their delays." Caius declared. Always the first to want to start a war with someone.

   Aro turned to look at Caius. "Patience, brother." He reminded him. Like Caius ever had patience in his life.

   Aro put the envelope on the tray, while Marcus and Caius began to stand from their thrones.

   "Though you do have a point," Aro's airy voice muttered, "The human did interput." He dropped his happy sharade at the end of his sentence as he gently brushed my face with his finger. By then, Marcus and Caius were by his side.

   I sighed, knowing this was the end of the line for me. I turned around and walked over to Felix and Demetri.

   "Alright, kill me now boys! I know you have been wanting to do it since you met me!" I exclaimed loudly, I just wanted to get this over with as fast as possible. Better a quick death than a slow one.

   Felix and Demetri looked over at Aro for approval but Aro only chuckled. "So easily willing to let us end your life. You're such a fascinating human." Aro fondly expressed.

   Then these motherfuckers just walked away while Aro was saying "Oh, I do love weddings."

   I just stared at the door they left out of. Why am I still alive? I questioned that as I headed back to my room, ignoring the bodies on my way out of the underground throne room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   The next day went like it normally would. Caius insulting me every second he got, most guards glaring at me, Marcus being depressed, and Aro's creepy tendencies.

   Everything was going well and I was about to leave early for the day until I got an email. The email was about a job application regarding my position as a secretary for the Volturi. Apparently someone sent this woman an email saying the position is open and she could start tomorrow. Now I did what any sane person would do when they realize they were about to get fired, which meant death. I went to the store, got some alcohol, got my favorite ice cream, got my favorite snacks, and enjoyed my last few hours of life.

   Sadly, at about one in the morning someone had opened my door to check on me. I was still awake, drunk, eating ice cream, surrounded by snacks, and binge watching my favorite show on TV all while crying out of my own self pity. Why did I take this stupid job?!

   "Carissimo? Why are you still awake?" (Dearest) That voice was Marcus. Sweet and slow as always. I was gonna miss that voice, no matter how depressed he could be.

   I laughed bitterly as I continued to eat my ice cream. "Like you care, you get to have a brand new secretary tomorrow!" I mockingly joked.

   Marcus gently grabbed my face and turned it to look at him. "You are unbelievably drunk and crying. Why are you this way, piccolo?" (Little one)

   I moved my face out of his hand. "Why do you care? I won't be your problem tomorrow." I growled angrily as I stabbed my ice cream with my spoon.

   Marcus had finally left after a minute of staring me down. Unfortunately, he came back with Aro and Caius.

   I could feel Caius trying to glare holes in my head with his stare as soon as he saw the state that I was in. Aro was immediately by my side mumbling something in Italian that I couldn't bother to translate.

   "If you're going to glare at me the whole time your here then leave." I said as I glared back at Caius. Something I never did since I met the kings. Mostly for fear of them killing me on the spot. What the hell did I have to lose at this point?

   "Caro, why are you drunk and crying?" (Dear) Aro's normal cheery voice was laced with concern.

   "What does it matter? I'll be dead in a few hours. Can't have one last night to enjoy being alive? Too much to ask from a bunch of vampires?" I grumbled angrily while finishing my ice cream. What was with all the sudden new pet names anyway? They normally call me by name, or rarely they say "human" just to mess with me.

   "Who told you that you were going to die tomorrow?" Aro calmly asked.

   I rolled my eyes and answered. "No one because no one has the balls to say it to my face that I'm no longer useful." I than look up at Caius again to glare at him. "You couldn't wait to get rid of me, could you?"

   I put my empty tub of ice cream on my nightstand, I would deal with it tomorrow. I am too drunk to be wondering the halls for the kitchen. Since the kings weren't going to leave any time soon, I made myself comfortable. Put my pillows against my headboard and wrapped myself in my blanket.

   Caius hadn't said a word since he got here and quite frankly, it was pissing me off. "For once the most feared king doesn't have a damn thing to say. Shocker." I snarked at him. Marcus and Aro were quietly chuckling at my antics, which made me turn my glare to them.

   "You're like an insufferable toddler when drunk." Caius snarked back at me. I tried to get up and punch him in the face, but Marcus cuddled me in his lap while sitting on my bed. I could enjoy this little bit of comfort from Marcus before I die. Punching Caius in the face would be a pleasure I could do before I died tomorrow.

   Aro just had to ruin the moment by trying to read my thoughts. I tried to move away but Marcus kept my arms in place so Aro could touch me. I huff at being ganged up on like this.

   After a minute, Aro pulled away and had become eerily quiet. That was never a good thing with Aro, someone normally died when Aro was quiet. Marcus was gently rubbing my back which was causing me to relax and finally fall asleep. The last thing I saw was Caius finally moving away from that stupid doorway.

#volturi x reader #aro volturi x reader #aro volturi #aro volturi imagine #marcus volturi x reader #marcus volturi #marcus volturi imagine #caius volturi x reader #caius volturi imagine #caius volturi

[orowyrm]

i really have to hand it to @helmofhades for being willing to put up with me occasionally just becoming the stupidest motherfucker alive. he’s stronger than every us marine for continuing to be my boyfriend even when my brain jumps out of my ears and i forget how everything works

#get you a man whose response to you doing something totaly idiotic is just to be like ‘oh my god i love you’