Wine Drunk while watching Godzilla vs Kong
Some major spoilers up ahead!
Mans really just annoyed the shit out of his coworker until he left so he could hack shit, huh?...I love it! π€£π€£
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You mean to tell me that the explanation for why Godzilla attacked the one tech company site by the dude who studied Kaiju communication and behavior for a living is just, βsometimes people (and creatures) changeβ???? Like some dumbass justifying a toxic person/relationship??? Like excuse me???? Why are the literal teenagers making more sense than you?????
Also, weβre all in agreement that this facility is either housing Ghidoraβs dead head, Mecha Godzilla, or Mecha Ghidora, right?!?
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Lol! βApex Cybernetics!β Thatβs not foreshadowing! π€£
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Apparently, I didnβt get my fill of white nonsense from Falcon and Winter Soldier, bc someone decided to put this blonde-hair-blue-eyed little bitch in charge! Thatβs not ganna go wrong somehow. πππ
Like this bitch literally wanted to send a fucking child into unexplored hollow earth territory without a second thought! ππππ I was literally like ππππππ for that entire convo.
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Iβm sorry! This conspiracy man just met these teenagers, and his first impulse was, βyeah, theses seem like some good people to break into a tech conglomerate with!β π€£π€£π€£π€£
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Why are these people surprised Kong knows sign language? These are people who study Kaiju (and presumably other animals in order to draw conclusions about certain behaviors) for a fucking living!!! We have primate species that recognize and communicate in sign language already! Why is this surprising???!?! Like...has NO ONE except this precious child tried this????
Also, nothing bad better happen to this child.
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That ship literally fucked around, and Godzilla let it find out! Lmao!
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Kong: Hey, Godzilla...look at me...
Godzilla: >:[
Kong: ...bitch.
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Precious girl: Thank you, friend π§π½ββοΈ
Kong: βΊοΈπ΄
THIS GIRL IS TOO PRECIOUS!!!!
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Bitch-ass White Man: Howβs Kong with heights?
BITCH, you really ganna try that?!?! You really think you ganna find any aircraft(s) that are ganna be able to support all that weight?? Never mind any other problems with Kong trying to nope the fuck out of that situation and all kind of other hosts of problems!
And if you do somehow have one (or multiple) WHY TF DIDNβT YOU USE THAT BEFORE KNOWING FULL AND WELL YOU RAN THE RISK OF GODZILLA MERCING KONGβS ASS IF YOU TRAVELED VIA SHIP!?!?!?!
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Down the Hell Naw tunnel we go!
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βI think itβs romantic,β
I fucking love Millie Bobbie Brownβs character!! π€£β€οΈπ€£
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WHY IS THIS TEENAGER SMARTER THAN EVERYBODY OMG!!!!! π€£π€£π€£π€£π€£
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βThis is page one in the βPlaying Godβ handbook, right?β
Iβve decided I love this character! π€£
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WHY YOU GETTING INSIDE THAT THINGβOh god! π¨ Why yβall got eggs!?!? This is like if Weyland-Yutani succeeded in getting Xenomorphs! π¬
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Oop! Locked in! THIS IS WHY YOU DONβT HIDE OUT IN MYSTERIOUS ROOMS!!!!
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Oh shit! Apex Cybernetics think they on that Wakanda shit now!
Also, why was that one Apex Cybernetics bitch bitching about how one of those HEAV crafts could power Vagas for a week if yβall clearly have a whole network or transportation using this tech!
And I never understood how tech companies kept that shit to world domination shit! Build a public transportation system with that shit! Boss man said he likes ideas that make him rich! Pretty sure that would do the trick!
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WINE BREAK!!!
Saving the rest of the last bottle for coking Gumbo, so gotta open up a new bottle
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Aw, Kong is so sick of this bullshit! ππ
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βItβs not workingβ
Bruh! Give it more that two seconds!
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HOW DARE YβALL USE KONGβS LOSS AGAINST HIM!!!! HOW DARE YβALL!!!
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HEAV go Brrrrrrr Shoooooooooooom!!!!
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LMAO!!! Monarch has their own brand of bottled water!?!?! Idk why that amuses me so much!
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This hallow earth portal thing is some Pacific Rim bullshit right here, lol!
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NYOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM
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Are we...are we really Ice Age: Dawn of Dinosaur-ing this shit rn??? πππ
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βItβs beautiful,β
Of course itβs beautiful! No hoomins have touched it! Lol
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YβALL GOT FUCKIN DRAGONS IN THIS BITCH!?!?!?!!! 8D YO!!! SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!!!!
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*marvels at the creature creation ideas*
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Kongβs first thought: *nom the dragon guts*
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THE ROCK HAND OMG IM GANNA CRY!!! πππππππ Itβs the same gesture the Precious Girl did OMG!!!!
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βWe going in?β
βYeahβ
The BALLS on this child!
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βAAAAHH πβ
*fear*
LMAO!!!!! IβM FUCKIN WHEEZING!!!
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βSacrifice Pitβ
OMG π€£π€£π€£
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I KNEW IT!!!! MECHA-GODZILLA MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!! 8DDDDD
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YO PACIFIC RIM RAN SO MECHA-GODZILLA COULD FUCKIN SPRINT!!!!!!!!
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YO ITβS A GOOD THING I AINβT SEEING THIS IN THEATERS BC IβD BE FLIPPING MY SHIT!!!!
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βHumanity, once again, will be the apex species,β
THERE it is!
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Why Mecha-Godzilla so skeeny?!? He need ta be thicc if he ganna take down REAL Godzilla!
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*Ryan Bergera conspiracy voice* Is this the real reason Kong was contained!? So this douche could snatch up Skull Crawlers without Kong intervention???
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OH SHIT!!! I think this thing is emitting alpha waves (or whatever weβre calling it) and THATβs what set Godzilla off!!! He fought Ghidorah, heard this shit and went, βNu-uh, bitch! NOT AGAIN!!!β
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Monarch dude: Yo, Godzillaβs headed to Hong Kong for some reason?
FUCKIN CALLED IT!!!
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This look like the door to fuckin General Grievousβs lair,da fuq?!? π€£π€£π€£
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I got waaay too emotional over that handprint, yβall! πππ
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Yβall, the fucking art history major in me is fuckin screaming at this temple scene! The fact that some of these Kaiju not only had the urge and drive and capacity to build a fucking temple around this power source or some shit and create weapons like the axe that Kong just fucking Excalibured the shit out of that one skull crawlerβs skull fucking implies the fact that there is intelligent civilization amongst these fucking Kaiju and all that shit! I want to know more about this shit! Take that you fucking racist-ass white historian motherfuckers!οΏΌοΏΌοΏΌ
(Note: I definitely needed to use talk to text for much of this bit, because there was no way I was going to be able to contain all my excitement in just typing, alone, lmao)
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BRUH!!! Why yβall exiting g the HEAV without no breathing apparatus or lead suits or nothing!?!?! In previous movies, yβall implied that these Kaiju lived in environments in which their environments were hella radioactive compared to our own!!!
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Kong is s the true heir to the iron throne, Lmao!
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FUCKING CALLED IT!!!! THEY HAD GHIDORAβS REMAINS IN THERE SOMEWHERE!!!!
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OH FUCK!!!! YβALL AINT JUST SENDING OUT ALPHA VIBES WITH YOUR MECHA-GODZILLA!!!! YOU SOMEHOW USING GHIDORAβS HIVE MIND OR TELEPATHY SHIT TO DO IT!?!?!?! AAAWWWWW SHEEEEEET!!! YβALL ARE BONED NOW!!!! FUCKIN BONEROWNED!!!!
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Godzilla! My bruh! My dude! You didnβt HAVE TO get up right where that bridge was!!! ππ Ya douche bag!!!
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At the same time, tho, I can just hear him going, βAh! FUCK! NOT AGAIN!!! Sunova bitch!! Motherfuckin!! STOP BUILDING sHIT SO DAMN HIGH!!! Goddammit!β
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You know, with all the Bright twinkly lights in Hong Kong, I canβt help but think of the sequel to the original Gojira movie ( that I canβt remember the title of ,rn) where he was fucking triggered by fucking lights. And I wonder if this little scene where heβs stomping all through Hong Kong is a tribute to that or whatever. But Iβm probably overthinking it.οΏΌ
[Sober Edit: it was Godzilla Raids Again]
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*GASP* HOLY SIHIIIT!!! The axe is made out of Godzilla skute!?!?! GOLY BALLS THATβS NOT ONLY COOL BUT CONTRIBUTES MORE TO THE FACT THAT THESE KAIJU (likely Kongβs species, in particular) WERE REALLY FUCKING INTELLIGENT AMD TJOUGHT, βImma beat this muthafucka with their own spiky thing! Bc thatβs what screws us over, so, why WOULDβnt it hurt them!?!β I need SO MUCH MORE of this Kaiju/Kong culture studied and shit! HOLY FUCK!!!
It even fucking glows!! Like ... they managed to fucking piece together that its glow was a fucking warning sign like Sting or some shit!!!! Holy fuck!!!!
Also, how does that work? How are the skutes still connected even after dismemberment???
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NO FUCKIN WAY WRE YOUβAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Excalibur that shit my boi!!!!
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I FUCKIN LOVE YHIS MOVIE HOLY SHIT!!!
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β thatβs Apex property now,β
Excuse me bitch! Are we really not gonna listen to the scientist who saying βhey we donβt understand the shit out of this fucking power! Maybe we should hold off on taking some fucking samples!β
Are we really just gonna ignore that shit???????
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Kong said: TRY ME BITCH!!!!
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Oh thank the GODS this Serizawa dude is taking precautions like his old man! Also, what is his relation to Ken Watanabeβs Serizawa!?!?!
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UH OH!! SOLDIER DUDES GETTIN ATE!!!
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OH SHIT!!! PILOT JUST GOT ATE!!! FUCKIN DRAGON BASEMENT UP IN THIS SHIT!!!
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BITCH YOU REALLY GON THROW A ROCK AT IT!!! FUCKIN NONSENSE OF THIS BITCH!!!
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LOVE AND FITE ME ENERGY IS STORED IN THE ATOMIC BREATH
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βShoot him!β
WHY!!!???!! He literally had NO problem with you before then!!!
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Why does white man who donβt know anything about this vehicle suddenly know how to pilot this shit!???!?!!!!!
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Yβall love had SO MUCH wine!οΏΌ
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The FUCK this dude got a flip flop phone for!!!?!????!!!?
Da fuq!?!?! π€£π€£π€£π€£ yeah thatβs the most unrealistic part of this entire fucking movie! Not the fuckin Kaiju robots. Not the fucking hollow earth bullshit! The fucking flip phone! LMFAO!!!!οΏΌ
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βMaintenance! IβM MAINTENANCE!!! This bitch ainβt buying itβ
That made me laugh WAY FUCKIN harder that it should have!!!!
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Yβall really ganna try to shoot at a kid!?! REALLY!?!?!??!
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GAWD, Iβm so glad I impulse bought these oatmeal bites from Dominos! π€€π
[Sober Edit: I have no idea how my autocorrect managed to convert βParmesanβ to βoatmeal,β but okay! ππ
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Kong be like, βHey, bitch!!! You lookinβ for me!?!?β
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Find you a partner that bites your neck like Godzilla does! Lmao!
Sorry, Iβll be crawling back into my hell hole, now.
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EAT YOUR FOOKIN VEGETABLES GODZILLA!!!!!
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Did Godzilla just axe throw with his fuckin teefs!!!????!?!?!
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THIS IS THE FOOKIN MONSTER VS MONSTER FIGHTS IVE BEEN CRAVING SINCE KING OF THE MONSTERS HOLY SHIT!!!!
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βReally? Groupies, again?β
First of all, again!?! What happened last time???
Secondly, where tf are YOUR grpupies, asshole! No need to judge! Ya cunt!
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βThere can only be one alpha,β
Really! You really gotta bring your toxic masculinity into a fuckin monster fight, my dude!?!
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Kong said, βYeet! YEET SELF!!!β
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I am living for the feral fight scenes!!!!οΏΌ
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Kongβs expression , tho! π€£π€£π€£
Like, βCan you ducking NOT, Godzilla?!? Can you, like, fucking chill??!!? Aight, fine! ASDASHKLSDJKLDZJL ADKLKDZDJ!!!!!!β
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Awwwww! Godzilla let Kong go, bc he knows what itβs like to be the last of his species! π₯Ίπ₯Ίπ₯Ίπ₯Ίππππ
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βThis is how we [...] win!β
Oh, honey, you βbout to die! Lmao! π
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Oh god! I knew he was going to use the sign for βcowardβ at the most inappropriate time! Lmao! At least the Precious Girls is smart enough to know what Dumbass White Man means, lol
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Oh, thank god we do t see this dumbass in any sequels!
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Dammit, he escaped!
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This girl is too good!
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Did yβall really think you were ganna break into a semi-sentient Mecha-Godzilla by GUESSING ITS FUCKING PASSWORD!!?!?!?!!!!???? π€£π€£π€£π€£π€£π€£
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οΏΌοΏΌYEAH!!!! TEAM-UP COMING THROUGH!!!!!
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βI was hoping to die with adults, but thatβs okay,β
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βIβVE GOT TO DIE WITB YOU AND SOBER!!?!?!β
GOD, I love this movie!!!!
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OOOOOOHHHH HOLY SHIT!!!!! π±π±π±π±π± He powering up the axe!!!!!
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YOOOOOO KONG WENT PREDATOR/YOUTJA ON MECHA-GODZILLAβs ASS!!!!
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Kong said, βIβm done, yβall! Imma take a nap!β
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βDad. Uh...Bernie.β
I fucking love Bernie!!! ππππ
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JIA NOOOO!!! Donβt go running between two disgruntled Kaiju bby!!
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Yo, why do monsters have less toxic masculinity than we do??? Lol!
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Yaaaaaay! Kong has a new home!!
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WELP!!! I fucking loved this movie, and I highly recommend it to everyone!!!
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30 Day Monster Challenge 2 - Day #23: Favorite Bad Movie Monster
Alright, so most of these movies arenβt really all that bad; theyβre just kind of βmehβ. But they would have been a lot worse without these cool and/or goofy monsters.
1.Β Β Β Β Β Β Jabberwocky (Alice in Wonderland 2010)
I am prepared to disclose that Tim Burtonβs Alice in Wonderland was not horrible, but 60% of that opinion stems from the Jabberwocky. (The remaining 40%is 30% the other monster designs and 10% lesbian subtext.) The Jabberwocky has always been my favorite part of the Alice mythos (surprise surprise), and not to sound petty, but I have dropped Alice movies just for not including the brilling beast. Burtonβs Jabberwocky might not be my favorite, but it has a lot going for it. The way they treat it is basically as Wonderlandβs Tarrasque; a living WMD, a legendary kaiju, the ur-monster in a world teeming with dangerous and crazy creatures. The way it wakes up is even a direct nod to Chernabog from Fantasia; they are literally equating this thing to the Devil.
Second off; Christopher Lee.
Finally, when the Jabberwocky meets Alice to fight, he says this thing about meeting his βold foeβ, βthe vorpal oneβ, in battle again. It is made explicitly clear that he is talking about the vorpal blade, not Alice. And that justβ¦ I donβt want to say that that changes the entire movie, but yeah, it kind of does. The implications here are that the vorpal blade and the Jabberwocky have fought each other countless time before in the past. The history of Wonderland is just the history of a dragon and a magic sword fighting. Is the vorpal blade sentient? How many times have these two fought? This kind of transforms everything about the setting the movie has established for the last hour and a half. Itβs just so filled with so much potential to me.
2.Β Β Β Β Β Β Torgo (Manos: The Hands of Fate)
Yβknow, when youβre in a dark place, you have to find your own light. A source of motivation, something you can cling to to pull you through to the other side. Maybe thatβs a dream, a goal at the end of the tunnel, or maybe itβs a hero, someone you can look up to. Iβm not saying that Torgo is a hero, but he inspires me. There are weeks at work where I just donβt want to get out of bed in the morning. I come home at night to an empty room and fall asleep alone. It gets hard, is what Iβm saying. But you know who never stopped trying, even though he hated his job and was lonely too?
Torgo. Thatβs who.
Everyday Torgo gets up, throws on his blazer and hat, and he goes out there and busses a haunted motel for a boss he hates. But he does it, every day. And if Torgo can do it, you can too. So youβve got to get out there and be the best damn lackey you can. Youβve got put in the work to make it to tomorrow. And when the good times roll in and come shining down on you, you take a minute to remember the man who helped you get here. Take a minute to remember Torgo, looking down on you from Cloud No. 9, shedding a tear.
3.Β Β Β Β Β Β Radu (Seventh Son)
The Last Apprentice series is actually a pretty cool (and grim) series of dark fantasy/horror young adult novels, kind of like juniorβs first Solomon Kane. The Seventh Son movie based on the series has piss-all to do with it, and its only redeeming features are some cool monster designs and Jeff Bridges. Of those cool monster designs, the stand-out for me is Radua aka Muslim Dragon Kratos. Heβs one of our villain witches chief thugs, and is unnecessarily cool for a side-character. Heβs got this whole Nosferatu Zodd code of honor thing, and wields these two chain blades and probably could have been the villain in his own movie.
Now that alone would have been a neat detail, but then he can turn into what I honestly consider one of the more interesting dragons in recent cinema. I talked before about how one archetype of dragons was of being these unholy, scavenger type wilderness monsters, and thatβs kind of the vibe I get from Raduβs dragon form. Itβs all lanky and feral looking. It has too many limbs, and it walks around like it doesnβt know how. Itβs another unnecessarily cool design for such a generic movie, and itβs definitely worth checking out.
4.Β Β Β Β Β Β Krakensaurus (Jack the Giant Slayer)
I donβt want to be mean and discount Jack the Giant Slayer as βdiscount Ray Harryhausenβ, but thems is the breaks, as the saying goes. The movie is kind of charming in how earnestly it plays to being a 1960s fantasy movie, with princesses in pink dresses and warlocks with goatees and a rhyming leprechaun. The movies stop-motion monsters donβt really live up to industry standards, though. But I canβt sit here and lie and say that I donβt have a special fondness for the sea monster at the end. The movieβs penultimate scene sees our heroes trying to escape the warlockβs castle, so the villain summons a two-headed giant (or ettin, if you know your monsters) which looks suspiciously like one of Ray Harryhausenβs cyclopes. Trapped in a sea cave, the rhyming leprechaun trapped in a bottle (roll with it) summons a sea monster to deal with the problem.
Sometimes itβs the little things in life, like watching two weird looking monsters fight to the death. Our sea monster is a blue-green mixture of kraken and allosaurus, and Iβm pretty sure its toy had more detailing than the actual moving model. When this guy showed up on the screen, six year old me was hype enough to punch through a wall. I spent the next week drawing pictures of him so I wouldnβt forget him. This movie has 100% more sea monsters and singing leprechauns than The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, and that almost makes up for its deficit skeleton warriors.
5.Β Β Β Β Β Β Queen of the Lair (She Creature 2001)
Stan Winston was on the helm for this little ladyβs monster design, and it shows. A mermaid queen, itβs hard to tell if her monster form is her real shape or just something she can morph into. Even her basic mermaid form is pretty interesting; the split tails remind me of sirens or tritons. Her monster shape, though, is pure Stan Winston gold. Thereβs more than a little bit of the xenomorph queen in there, between the crest and the fangs. Someone threw it into a blender with a sea serpent and a viper fish and what comes out is the most badass mermaid to ever slink across cinema. She rips peopleβs heads off, her tail is covered with bone spikes, and she can sing a siren song to summon up her mermaid swarm. Oh, and psychic impregnation powers. That partβs kind of important.
6.Β Β Β Β Β Β She Creature (She Creature 1956)
Aforementioned sea monster queen was part of a series of horror films based on old b-movies, so this is the original She Creature. Even today, this is one of my favorite designs from the 1950s. Paul Blaisdell might just be the king of B-movie monster suits, and belongs up there with Ray Harryhausen in the great monster hall of fame. The she creature looks like the sum product of an orc, a lobster, and a scorpionfish. Itβs a shame you only see her in monochrome, because her color scheme is a startling mix of green and pink. What I find most fascinating is the concept that this is supposed to represent some parallel evolutionary stage of humanity. This is supposed to be a different version of Homo sapiens that never left the sea. Stan Winstonβs mermaid queen is great, but I would still love to see an updated and more articulate version of this design.
7.Β Β Β Β Β Β Vampire Spawn (Van Helsing)
This raises so many questions. So the crux of Van Helsing is that Dracula needs Frankensteinβs monster to power a force-field that will allow his swarms of vampire spawn to survive past infancy. I bet you thought vampires reproduced by biting people, right? Well, apparently they also have egg-sacs. Just, massive, Aliens style egg-sacs full of bat/human fetus monsters hungry for blood. Itβs so stupid that I love it. These things are horrible and adorable; they remind me of chupacabras. I want one as a familiar, or at least statted up for a tabletop roleplaying game. Just really try to avoid thinking about the whole egg-sacs thing and all the implications that brings to vampire mythology.
8.Β Β Β Β Β Β Emperor Tyrannus (Attack of the Super Monsters)
I donβtβ¦ I donβt think I have the strength to really get into Attack of the Super Monsters. When I watched it, liquor was involved. Describing it reads like a parody of Japanese media that involves anime, men in monster suits, and giant robots meant to sell collectible toys. But itβs real, and the realest shit ever is Emperor Tyrannus. Emperor Tyrannus is literally a giant tyrannosaurus rex who is the evil mastermind of an underground civilization of dinosaurs. The dinosaurs talk, because shut up, and Emperor Tyrannus in particular talks with a villain voice that I just canβt really convey through text. I think the closest I can get is saying that he sounds like someone doing an imitation of Brian Blessed while having a stroke. Emperor Tyrannus shoots laser beams from his eyes that mind control the other dinosaurs into being evil, and watches them fight a hermaphroditic cyborg superhero in a drill/airplane. Look, you need to see this for yourself. Iβm not doing this justice. Get your friends, find the DVD, and strap in for a wild ride.
9.Β Β Β Β Β Β Witch Tree (The Last Witch Hunter)
The Last Witch Hunter is another guilty pleasure move where Vin Diesel brings what Iβm pretty sure is one of his D&D characters to a movie and somehow ropes Michael Cain and Elijah Wood into it with him. Our villains are, in a surprising twist, witches that cook up some fairly grotesque magic. One of the creatures meant to act as the witchesβ guardians is a magical sentinel, and it just goes so hard and so dark for what amounts to a stick golem. Itβs the fine details that make this construct stand out. The extra limbs let it move faster and have extra attacks, the jawbones around the front form a crude mouth, and the branch rib-cage makes it look like something that used to be alive instead of something that was just magically summoned. Thereβs so much work poured into this one monster, and itβs definitely a treat to see it at the end of the movie. Rethink your golems, kids; treat yourself better.
10.Β Β Giant Leeches (Attack of the Giant Leeches)
I used to be pretty intensely leech-phobic when I was younger (and by younger, I mean a couple of years ago), but even then I knew the giant leeches were lame. Incredibly lame. Like, honestly kind of pathetic. I kind of like them out of a bizarre sense of pity. Giant leeches should scare me, but these guys are just goofy. A leech isnβt a hard design; itβs a tube with a sucker on each end. But I am almost convinced that the person who designed these monsters had never actually seen a leech, or possibly even a worm. But the movie still treats them with all the dignity and awe of the Creature of the Black Lagoon. There are prolonged sequences of these guys swimming underwater, floating around like hungry garbage bags. These things are not, nor were they ever, leeches; they are some kind of aquatic octopus or confused anemone. Thatβs why they need our love, our protection; because theyβre too stupid to survive by themselves.
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