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#dan and phil LIES
danandphil-lies · 4 months
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another horrific lie! truly despicable that fathers could lie to their children so easily.
dan and phil claimed, on dec 24, that they would return to the gaming channel after 15 days. this would have been jan 8. and yet, have they returned?
NO!
they are sitting in their phouse (phan (phil+dan) house) in their pajamas (pyjamas for you british readers)!! they are content to lie! they spare no thought to how we would be emotionally affected by this. why give us false hope only to tear us down? my friends, it's because they are addicts. addicted to feeding their dedicated fanbase untruths and falsehoods.
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italiantea · 1 month
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soft and neat
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look i don't want to relive the old days, but i just had to work out the floorplan of the phouse because it didn't make any sense (also how rich are they that they can afford curved walls??) and everyone, i think i've got it
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lavender-phannie · 4 months
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15 days??? ALL MEN DO IS LIE!!!
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legalisecatboyss · 4 months
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phil being so excited about having fake phone calls is the most phil thing ever, he’s such a little liar i adore him
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philsbrownquiff · 1 month
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You know i love a good theory about where they went but in my heart of hearts i know. They left us to go hang out with friends in the north and do an escape room with their hot gym gay buddies 😔
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I think we're al glossing over the "Do you really think I toured this through America? I don't wanna get fucking shot!" Dan pls 😭😭
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yonpote · 5 months
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dan and phil literally LOVE lying for fun it is their favorite pastime
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metalheadcowboy · 2 years
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As a former Dan and Phil obsessed teen, their old apartment essentially being a set was not on my 2022 bingo card AT ALL-
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julesthoughts · 1 year
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Trap of Lies
Chapter 26
This is a dark AU collaboration started by @x3kristax3. You can find the other chapters here.
TW: Torture, violence, detailed scenes of violence, light sexual acts
Phil POV
Completely drained, I stood in my bathroom and reviewed the evening. I looked at my hands, still dirty with dirt and blood from the nasty son of a bitch and his horse. I went to my bathroom and washed my hands and face. I took off the dirty clothes and put on fresh clothes.
I saw the remaining blood residue in my sink that was not washed away by the water. I cleaned up the remaining blood and burned my clothes in my oven as there was no point in trying to clean them.
A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, but they all ended in relief. We were able to save MC in time and the devil of the whole drama is finally dead. Jessy promised to take care of MC because she saw that I still had something to do.
I braced myself with both hands on the sink and lifted my head. I saw myself reflected in my mirror. It still wasn't over. We had to find the devil's father.
"Agnus Barnett," I whispered. "Where are you?"
It was maddening! I asked each of the Whispers if anyone had heard that name before. Nobody knew him, but there had to be someone.
He's got people he bossed around. He did not run this business alone, he had employees. This man knew how to hide himself. He was the master at hiding and running such a big business.
I couldn't do this alone, I needed help from someone I trusted 100%. Dan. I immediately made my way to Dan, although it was the middle of the night, he was always willing to help me. I walked to his house because I didn't want to draw attention to myself.
When I arrived, I knocked firmly on his door and he opened the door a little annoyed. "Can't you even wait until morning?" he asked me grumpily.
"No time," I hissed and immediately I saw regret on Dan's face. Not wanting to contradict me, he let me in.
He tiredly ran his fingers through his hair and got his clothes to change. I looked at him confused and he just raised an eyebrow knowingly. "I know that look, you didn't come here for a tea party."
It's been a while, but with this sentence, Dan actually managed to make me smirk. Dan got dressed and then approached me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You look like you just committed murder."
When he didn't get an answer, his eyes widened. "Shit, who did you kill?"
"Alan, finally. But that's another story. We have to find the devil's father."
I took the blame on myself first, I didn't want to implicate MC even though she ended up being the one who killed him.
Dan suddenly looked at me seriously, "Do you know anything? Did you find out anything?"
"No!" I almost yelled, desperate. "But someone has to know something. I want to keep Jake out of it so he can focus on his new business.
"Amy," Dan suggested. "She might know something, after all she adores Alan and would do anything for him."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Jake told me she said she saved MC. I don't really believe it, but one thing's for sure, she'd die for him. She doesn't have to know Alan's dead, but we can pressure her to do that her answers could save his life."
"I knew you would be of great help to me. Now we just have to find out where she is."
I was glad I turned to Dan, he was always reliable, even if he could be a bit grumpy at times. Now all we had to do was find out where Amy was. I could see that Dan was already brooding.
"Any idea where Amy might be? The prostitutes are all over town, it would take us forever to find her," I paused. "Wait! I have an idea. I'm sure Charlotte can figure something out."
Dan nodded and we made our way to my bar. Once there I found Charlotte at a table with a man. I gave her a knowing look and she said goodbye to the man and walked towards me.
"What do you need to know?" she asked, since she already knew that look from me.
"Find out where Amy is at the moment, nothing else matters for now."
She nodded and got to work. Dan and I went to my office and tried to think if we really didn't know Agnus.
It wasn't long before there was a gentle knock on my door. I opened the door and Charlotte's eyes looked at me proudly. She whispered, "There's some kind of brothel across town, that's where she works."
I thanked Charlotte and nodded for Dan to follow me. I put a staff member in charge of running the bar. As we walked out of the bar, we made plans for how best to get to Amy.
"We register like normal guests and say that we would like to see Amy. Simple and uncomplicated," said Dan.
I hesitated, "It's a good idea per se, but I don't want to be recognized. I don't need rumors."
"Then we'll dress up a bit. A hat and a fake beard will do," Dan said, and we made our way over to his house. After we dressed up, I had to smile a little. A beard didn't suit me at all, but I had to go through with it now.
We took a carriage and made our way to the other side of town. We parked the carriage and got out. We entered the strange building and arrived at some kind of reception. A black-haired woman was sitting at the reception and there were men everywhere, smartly dressed. It must be the pimps.
Dan addressed the lady, "We'd both like to see Amy."
I was expecting everything, but not her next words, "No need to be so formal here. Room 9, she'll do whatever you want."
I grinned internally. Will she also answer our questions?
We both looked for room 9 and found it. We knocked and a gentle voice called us in. As she turned around, she gulped hard. She recognized us.
"You're not here to consider my service and I was about to leave anyway."
Dan chuckled darkly, "The receptionist told us that you do everything for us. I'm sure you'll also answer a few questions for us."
"What do you want? I have a date with Alan!"
I roared laughing, "Oh, I guess this isn't going to work out."
"What does this mean?" she asked in panic.
Dan took a step towards her, "If you want to see your beloved prince, then answer our questions."
She sat on the bed, sighed, and gestured for us to ask."
"Where is Alan's father?" I fell right in with the door, I didn't want to waste any more time.
She looked at us in shock, "How do you know I work for him?" She immediately put her hand to her mouth.
"That's easier than I thought," Dan chuckled. She shook her head in disbelief at her own stupidity.
"So, you know more than we thought. Well, I'm waiting for an answer."
"I don't know. For heaven's sake, I'm just a prostitute. He won't tell anyone where he is, at least that's what Alan always tells me."
"But you know who works for him, give us a name and location of this person."
She hung her head and said nothing more. I was right, she knew who worked for him. Dan sat down in a chair and spread his legs. "Either you answer this question now or you have to satisfy me."
I saw disgust on her face, Dan didn't seem to be her thing at all, and he seemed to have noticed and taken advantage of it. He knew that she would never willingly touch him if he gave her the choice.
She walked up to Dan, putting each hand on his knees and looking deep into his eyes. "I've had to touch more obnoxious guys than you. Come on, take off your pants. I'll satisfy you."
Dan smiled. What was going on in his head? "That's your job, if you're supposed to please me then you're supposed to do all the work."
With that, she winced and made a gagging sound. "Fine! You won. The name is Poke, he sells his wares in a park, behind a shabby shack. I don't know what time he is there though."
"There you go," Dan said as he rose from his chair.
"Are you releasing Alan? I gave you answers!"
This time I chuckled darkly, "Oh he's been free for a long time."
She looked at us confused and so we left her. She was lucky that she was a woman and not a man. No matter how much I detested a woman, I don't hurt a woman's hair.
Dan and I left the building and took the carriage to said park. I felt we had a better chance of finding this poke at night. We pulled our fake beards off our faces and parked the carriage a little further from the park.
We sneaked through the park to the shabby shack. We heard a branch snap behind the shack and immediately I ran behind the shack and there was a stranger to me.
"Poke?" I asked.
"Jesus Christ, who told you my name? What do you want to buy?"
"Answers."
As he tried to run away, Dan grabbed his collar and pushed him against the back door of the shack and to our surprise the door swung open. Dan didn't hesitate and shoved him into the cabin where he slammed into the opposite wall. I followed Dan into the shack and locked the door from the inside.
When I turned around, I saw Dan standing behind the man, holding a knife to his neck. He was helpless at our mercy.
"So, Poke, I'll ask you questions and you'll answer them well."
He just nodded and flinched as the blade of the knife digged a bit into his neck from his nod.
"Where's Agnus?"
"I don't know," he said pleadingly.
"Lie!" I roared and looked around the shack. This seemed to be the gardener's hut, since only gardening tools were lying around here. Everyone knows garden tools are the best torture tools.
I took a smaller saw and took Poke's hand and sawed off his pinky. He cried out, but I slapped him, and he just whimpered while blood dripped onto the floor.
"Answer me or all your fingers will be off."
He didn't say anything, and I held the saw to his ring finger. A grinding noise arose as I took an extra long time on his bone. I looked deep into his eyes, but still got no answer, so I cut off his next finger.
The game went on until all his fingers were off and there was a puddle of blood beneath us. Tears streamed down his face, and I saw that he was about to finally answer me.
I put his fingerless hand in front of his eyes and put the saw on his wrist. "Last chance," I threatened him.
I began to rock the saw back and forth slowly, letting him watch as I sawed his wrist. I kept sawing but stopped when I sawed through his bone and left his hand hanging on a piece of skin. He saw his wrist swinging on a thread of skin in front of him.
I took his fingerless hand and yanked with all my might, skinning part of his forearm in the process. His wrist fell to the ground with a loud splash, and he cried out at the top of his lungs.
And he answered.
"Ah shit! He lives in a rather large mansion, he spends all day there and rarely leaves it. The villa is only guarded from the inside. It's very isolated. In the middle of the forest, there is no street and no house number."
"How many guards?"
"Five or six. Two stand right in front of his office. Two stand at the entrance of the house and there are usually two walking around the mansion."
He was getting weak, and I could see Dan using all his muscles to keep holding him up.
"End him," I said to Dan.
Dan dropped him on the ground, leaned over him and slit his throat. Blood spurted out of him and for a brief moment I saw gratitude in his eyes. I didn't really want to go that far, but the thought of Alan getting his drugs from his own father's business infuriated me. And those drugs he used on MC.
MC had never done anything to anyone but Alan, but he deserved it.
We left the cabin, we took the carriage to Dan's house and we planned to find Agnus before dawn. The thought of what Richy and Alan had done to MC brought out the inner beast in me.
We didn't bother to clean up, just thinking how to find this mansion in the vast forests. We decided to stop by Alan's house and see if we could find anything. Once there, we broke down his front door and searched everything. Dan winced when he saw the huge bloodstain on the floor.
I roughly explained to him what had happened, and that MC is now safe.
"Good thing that son of a bitch is finally dead," said Dan.
I just nodded when I found an envelope. Inside the envelope was a painting of a mansion, and Dan gasped. "I know this mansion, how could I forget that! I rode past the mansion."
We each took a horse and rode off, Dan leading the way. It was a long and difficult ride. So many hurdles, detours and strong currents. No wonder no one has found him on such a path. I saw the villa and we brought our horses to a stop and put them in a meadow where no one could see them. We gave them an apple to eat as a reward.
We made our way to the mansion, and as Poke said, it's not patrolled from the outside. Dan pressed something cold metallic into my hand. A pistol and a knife. I hid the gun in my holster and the knife in my belt pouch.
I don't care that we had to kill everyone in there to get to Agnus. We had to shut down the source to end this drug business. And the source was Agnus.
We entered the premises and crept to the large front door. As big as the door is, it was easy to break open.
In the foyer, two muscular men immediately ran toward us, but Dan and I each drew our knives and slit their throats in one motion. We didn't hesitate and went further into the villa, where we met another man. Dan stabbed the blade of his knife into his neck and life drained from him too.
A man attacked me from behind and choked me off, Dan didn't know how to act. No matter how he tried to attack the man behind me now, he would hurt me. I turned the knife over in my hand and just swung it back. I hit the man behind me as his grip on my neck loosened.
My knife was stuck in his stomach, I pulled it out with all my might and immediately slit his throat before he could start screaming. He gurgled and blood spurted out of his mouth.
I coughed and gasped, he had a strong grip on it.
"Son of a bitch," I cursed under my breath.
After my breathing settled, Dan helped me up and we walked up the stairs. At the top we arrived in front of a huge wooden door, it was powerful. Two men stood to the right and left of the door and unfortunately, they noticed us immediately.
"How did you guys get in here?" asked the man on the right.
"With a little help," Dan said, brandishing his bloodied knife in his hand.
He threw the knife and it hit the wall next to the man on the left. He sneered but stopped laughing when Dan aimed his gun at him and shot him in the head. Now we could make some noise, we were busted anyway, and Agnus knew we were here.
I walked a little towards the man on the right when suddenly another shot rang out and I felt a warm liquid splash on my face. The man in front of me sagged and Dan blew smoke from his gun.
I tried to open the door, but it was locked. "Wimp," I whispered to Dan, shooting the lock with my pistol.
The door opened and I saw an older man, but that black hair looked all too familiar. There sat the likeness of Alan.
He looked at us with wide eyes, for a brief moment I saw a flash of fear in them. But immediately I saw pure hatred in his eyes.
I wiped the blood from my mouth with my right hand and gave him a friendly smile like a businessman.
I had to look like a psycho.
"Hello Agnus."
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pojebalo · 6 months
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i love regress <3
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danandphil-lies · 2 months
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"You could swim in those eyes" (apple Phil picture) you cannot, in fact, swim in those eyes (it would be impossible)
thank you anon for bringing this lie to everyone's attention! seasoned veterans will recognize this quote from one daniel howell in reference to philip lester's eyes:
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some may claim that this is not a lie, but rather just dan being ignorant. perhaps, one might say, dan truly thought that he could go swimming in phil's eyes. however, dan is a man of science. surely he understood that it is physically impossible for a person to go swimming ("the sport or activity of propelling oneself through water using the limbs") in another person's eyes (not made of water, very bad if limbs enter). thus, we should, nay, are forced to draw the conclusion that dan was LYING!
why daniel j. howell would make such a blatant fabrication is unfathomable. this just goes to show that even in 2009, dan was a liar who did not care that he was obviously presenting falsehoods. and the fact that phil lester (AmazingPhil) would go along with said lie is repugnant.
we must fight for the truth! please everyone, i compel you to follow in the footsteps of this brave anon and submit more pieces of fiction from dan and phil.
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elorca · 5 months
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whyyy they acting like they dont know every single frame
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Irrefutable proof that the Phouse is a ruse and Dan and Phil are actually straight
Phil texting Dan to ask where Dan was, because he forgot that Dan was in another country on tour. How do you forget that about the person you live with?
"Uma Thurman just watched me have sex"? Well maybe that's because he had sex WITH Uma Thurman. Did anyone ever consider that??
Bit circumstantial, but they're really doubling down on No Hetero Howell. Maybe it's just for the bit, but they're both a bit TOO adamant that they're gay, y'know?
This is why they don't post very often on social media. Because the phouse is all a lie!
The Japan trip? It was a wedding. A DOUBLE WEDDING. To other, female, people. That's why it was so secret!
The video where they played Game of Life ep where Phil was bi, married a lady and WON? Soft launching.
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lavender-phannie · 2 months
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WHY IS EVERYONE VOTING YEET ON THIS ONE??!!
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golfylester · 4 months
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Phil's roast: you're a noncommittal bitch who lies
Dan's "roast": you've got a fat, juicy badonkadonk
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